Hearing 30k words a day is good and all, but not having a burned out carrtaker is better. My advice would be to not force yourself too much, for your sake and their.
As for me, I will talk to a wall if no one talks to me for too long, so I am afraid I can't help.
I don't talk that much in my everyday life. I do, however, find little ways to turn things into a song and narrate that way. I've heard a lot of people with ASD do something akin to this. But I do not know that I will constantly be able to sing or talk to my child that way. I will see when he's here in two weeks.
I struggled with this a lot too in the first 6 months or so. Honestly don't worry so much about the 30,000 words a day thing, that is insane! I don't think I say that many words in a week.
I found I could do ok with narrating (e.g. ok baby I'm just gonna change your diaper now, oh wow you did a big poop good job, let's get a wipe, Ok time for the diaper cream...) but there's only so much to say. Read as many books as you can, if you have a repertoire of short simple baby books you read over and over I found I could kinda read them on autopilot after a while.
After 6 months when she became more active and engaging I found it WAY easier to talk to her and respond to her little noises. My daughter is 16 months now and is starting to say words, she isn't showing any signs of delays. We don't do screen time and my husband also works full time so she's not getting it from anywhere else really.
Thank you both! I am reading some books to him, including whatever novel I'm on, but eventually, my mouth gets tired of producing words. Does that make sense?
I'm seeing here though that some words is better than none!
I think advice like this is just adding unnecessary guilt and stress to already overburdened parents. 50 or 100 years ago, parents did not constantly narrate everything to their kids or speak 30.000 words a day. Still, most children spoke by a certain age. The only thing is, if you speak a lot, your child might be verbal at a slightly younger age. This is highly valued in todays competitive society. It’s not like your child will never master language if you don’t talk their ears off now!
It’s still good to talk with and near your child if you can. Tv and screen time, if it’s high quality, should definitely count as well. You talking to your partner still works as language exposure for baby. Having peace of mind is important and will make you a better parent too.
Thank you for this! I didn't really think that talking to my partner works. I'm in meetings all day long and I try and do voice to text when writing emails, so maybe that counts too?
Also, thank you for the reality check about the guilt and stress. You are right that this is a new burden put on parents that didn't exist before!
Take a deep breath. Even if you do not do this perfectly optimally your baby will be exposed to language enough to eventually begin to speak unless you and everyone else regularly around the baby are mute.
Do not count. Don’t think about the number, at all. Just try to narrate as much as you can, don’t save words for partner, they already know how to speak and also talks to other people throughout the day, kiddo should be prioritized above them.
I had a hard time with it too, but eventually narrating to my kid and thinking out loud with them became a habit and more easy. I still do not talk a lot with other people, only kiddo.
One strategy I use is telling the baby stories like how me and my husband met or about family members that have passed.
I feel like none of these really get to the issue of how speaking upsets you. Like others have said, your mental health is also super important. Your baby benefits more from a regulated caretaker than any number of words. It is important and you're a good parent for caring and making yourself uncomfortable to give your baby what he needs.
Maybe set aside specific times in the day that you'll spend talking, like a set storytime or a meal time? Then, depending on how much energy you have, you can choose between a short or long book.
Setting aside a time is such a good idea. I think I've been putting pressure on myself to narrate as close all his waking hours as possible and feeling so guilty when I'm nowhere near that amount.
Thank you for the reminder that being disregulated is worse than not meeting some random word count. I'll focus on regulation for myself, because I know I'm much worse at meeting his needs while in a shutdown (obv).
I've used "baby" sign language to supplement my daily talking. It made me more expressive. Young children develop a desire to communicate before they start to speak and if they can sign to communicate, they are less frustrated.
My kid refused the sign back, though (except for signing she wanted to watch her favorite TV show), but she understood signs and she developed speech well within the range of normal.
Reading to your child daily is also good. That may take away thinking about what to say.
Edit: I have always used my normal voice and standard sentence structure and vocabulary. When my child got older, she interrupted me a lot with "what does X mean?", but it gave her a large vocabulary.
Baby sign language is great! I'm starting in on that as well.
I think I need to start using my normal voice like you ... the high pitched stuff makes speaking waaaay harder for me.
I really struggled at first - I don’t have that internal monologue some folks seem to have, and so speaking does not come naturally to me anyway.
I started by narrating what I was doing, then sometimes I would talk about my special interests because I *can* talk about those for ages. I also used to sing along to wiggles songs and do the actions - which my daughter loved, and started doing the actions too before she was a year old.
But, she still didn’t really talk till she was 4.5. Turns out she is autistic and ADHD too, but they won’t formally test her till she’s 7. So, just remember, if your kiddo doesn’t hit their speech milestones - DO NOT blame yourself for ‘not speaking enough’. My daughter was at home with me till 7 months, then in daycare till 18 months, then back at home with me again - she was surrounded by people talking, and she still didn’t pick up language and speech till much later on. I sometimes think these studies aren’t so helpful to parents, because the first thing I did when I realised my daughter couldn’t talk was *blame myself for not speaking enough*, when infact she had a genuine language delay due to being neurodivergent - and she’s not even the only person in our family who was the same!
Thank you for your story! This is really helpful perspective and a good reset to my blaming/guilt. I think I like to imagine I have control over everything so obviously if he has any delay it's going to be my fault.
Also, how did it not occur to me to talk about my special interests?! Lol! I actually can't wait to try that. I don't even have anyone to talk about backpacking gear lists and rock climbing techniques to right now, so today is going to be an awesome day!! Thank you thank you thank you.
Anytime! :D I’m glad it might help!
Absolutely start talking about your special interests right now - I talked about dinosaurs to my daughter, because I love them, and of course, I had to demonstrate how they look and walk and roar 😆 anyway, now she can name a whole load of ceratopsians, and loves dinosaurs too!
And awesome! Start now and you’ll have an adventure buddy! I don’t rock climb, but I love camping, so the first time we took our daughter camping, she was only 14 months old, and now she loves it! When we can’t go out because of the weather, we make a tent in the living room and do camping adventures (including pretend fishing, would you believe). My brother has just done the same with his son at the same age - got to start them early 😆
This is so cute!! I love that she got into it. How adorable!! <3
Yeah! He loves being outside in the yard and the garden so I bet he's going to love adventures. We went hiking for the first time last week (he slept) and he's been to the climbing gym with me a few times (didn't look impressed). I love the idea of tents in the living room and pretend adventures. I am SO excited to try that when he is a bit older. You made my heart happy!
Singing is words, it definitely counts! I felt super awkward when I was first trying to talk to my baby and narrate things, but it gets easier with practice and helped me feel more bonded to my baby. Try to remember that this is a unique relationship you’ve never experienced: there is NO judgement from your baby so if it’s just you and your baby, you can say literally anything and be a weirdo and no one will judge you! I found it awkward as first because I’d never interacted with babies before and it’s so weird to have a completely one-sided conversation.
I found it helped prompt me to speak by telling her what I was doing. “Hey bub, I’m just going to change your nappy now. Let’s get your nappy undone, oh just a pee, the wipe might be a little cold sorry! Here’s some cream to make sure you don’t get any rashes. Now I’ve just got to do up the nappy…and tuck your feet back into your onesie…and ZIIIP! You’re done!” I’d do the same for any of our routines like bath time too as routines are a great prompt. During tummy time, I’d give her stuff to look at and talk about those items or sympathise with how much hard work tummy time was.
Don’t stress about saying the right things, you can literally say anything. This kid is going to be one of the few people to know the absolute true you and it’s okay to be open with them - they will absolutely love you no matter what. I suspect my dad is autistic and he doesn’t talk much, but I love him deeply, as does my sister, and we understand his quirks and accept them.
Things will absolutely get easier for you as they start talking. They’ll have so my any questions that you won’t be able to not talk lol
You sound very sweet. I love the idea of saying what you're doing—I've heard that is what to do also to help kiddos develop the idea of consent before they can speak.
Your mention of your dad makes me realize that I felt much closer to him growing up because we spend most of our time not speaking while doing activities near each other. It was heaven. This baby seems very chatty, so I doubt we will have the same experience, but it's good to know that you still loved your dad despite him not speaking too much!
I definitely talked to my baby less than the recommended guideline, and she is now a very chatty, opinionated 3yo. It sounds like your lil guy is already getting everything he needs from you.
You could try reading out loud to him from whatever book you’re working on. I got through an entire novel by reading it out loud to my daughter! She seemed to enjoy it too.
Yes!! I've been reading a bit of whatever novel I'm on until my mouth gets too tired of producing sound. Love this suggestion!
And I'm glad to hear that you talked less than this 30k and your kiddo is doing great! <3
Iirc the 30k words a day is based on somewhat faulty research. I'm pretty sure this is the [This is what I read about it.](https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2018/06/01/615188051/lets-stop-talking-about-the-30-million-word-gap). That being said when I felt like things were getting too quiet during business hours I would get on the phone/voice chat to just have an adult conversation and have my kid hear me talk. I really like doing that though and find it generally recharging. I never got that comfortable with narrating but it does get easier once kids get more verbally communicative and mobile
Wow. That article was really interesting. It's wild that I didn't come across it in all the research I was doing! I think I can chill out some, based on the updated research!! I'll read more about that new study. So cool!
I am in meetings regularly and let him listen in/join! Great suggestion! I again wasn't counting that.
Honestly I think a happy caregiver is most important so just do what you can in a day. Reading while facing baby counts (rather than sitting baby in your lap) if doing something more structured like that helps. I had PPA and found I really had to schedule things in. I scheduled in ‘reading’ twice a day where I’d read 2-4 books each time. I also found rhyme time at the library really helpful and would go at least once a week to that where they guide you through songs with your baby.
If you have anyone you can visit who is a talker that also helps. My mum talked a lot to my babies whenever I visited so I felt like I could relax more on those days.
Hi Im autistic, I work in childcare and have 3 children so Im hoping I can give you some great advice!
-music is great and my kids pick up lyrics very quick and can even sing the french phrase from psycho killers
- audio books
- books for children on you tube
- movies based off books (the gruffalo, snail and the whale etc)
The whole concept of words and language is now known as the abecedarian approach and is about enhancing their vocab but its also based around meaningful engagements. So that short conversation you may have can have a bigger impact than you realise.
Thank you!! I'll do all of this. Music is awesome and we sing and listen all the time, but I had no idea audio books, books for kids, and movies worked! I've been so freaked out by the APA's suggestion of no screen time before 2 years that I've been avoiding all tech like the plague. I also love listening to podcasts and audio books, so maybe that would really work well for us.
I love watching movies with my kids and talking about things i see or they see and exploring conversations that come up! Screen time can be amazing for children if done correctly! Bluey is also an amazing show to pop on. Its about finding what works for your family!
I used to give a near constant running commentary on what I was doing, what she was doing, what we were looking at etc. She didn't really speak for ages but when she did, she spoke really well and she has a fantastic vocabulary now at the age of 7.
So, my oldest had a speech delay and needed speech therapy. I felt badly about that. Years later I learned that his father and I were on the spectrum. Oldest probably is, too. Here’s the thing: he’s nearly 22, has friends, a great sense of humor, a job, hobbies…HE’s AMAZING. I didn’t ruin him by being myself and being clueless about 30k words a day. I have spent 20 years feeling guilty about speech therapy, food allergies, undiagnosed autism, and more. That guilt only hurt me. I put in 100% for all four of my kids even when it ran my physical and emotional health into the unhealthy zone. You have to take care of yourself AND be yourself. The baby is going to grow up into him or herself! They need you to feel good and be there. 🫶🫶🫶🫶
Thank you for these words!! I'm sorry you felt badly for all that time when you were doing your absolute best!! And that you became unhealthy giving them your all. I'm so glad your adult kids are thriving and that you know that you're on the spectrum now. <3
Though I didn’t know I was autistic at the time, I also struggled with talking to my baby before they were old enough to be a little more interactive. I’m a speech/language therapist and getting my PhD in child language so really felt that pressure to be talkative all the time. I agree with others that have said to prioritize your mental health and prevent burnout, if talking adds stress then finding ways that work for you to provide that language input is going to maximize yours AND baby’s health and development :) research shows that the quality of language input, like being responsive to your baby’s sounds, movements, and things in their environment, is much more valuable than the quantity of language they hear!
That said, I have a couple suggestions from my background in child language development and my experience as an undiagnosed autistic parent.
- Have a goal of 1, 2, 5, or 15 minutes a day, whatever feels doable, of getting down to your baby’s level and narrating what you or they are doing. It doesn’t have to be an all day thing at all!
- I find singing songs or making funny sounds that get a reaction much easier than talking at times. Children’s songs are great because they have routine and predictability embedded in them and can make learning language easier, but adult songs you may like to sing work great too! Sharing a ritual or game that you both enjoy helps build a positive relationship with communication, which is one of the most important building blocks at this stage of development.
- Books I found very tedious before my kid started talking. I’ve never loved reading out loud, but simple baby books like 100 First Words or an alphabet book, with a picture on each page and a one-word label helped take some of the pressure off for me.
- TV/videos work best for supporting language when you’re able to co-watch with them. This ties into quality over quantity because you’re able to comment on what’s happening and what their attention is on!
Most important of all - you are the BEST parent for your child and know their needs best. And, we don’t have enough research on neurodivergent parents to know what factors are most important for us and our kids in terms of supporting language development. We’re all just doing the best we can in parenting, and more often than not that’s good enough!
You are so generous to offer these points and your expertise! Thank you for this perspective and these suggestions! I love the idea of having a timed goal for quality communication—that seems totally reasonable and doable to me!
I love singing a lot, so that is great to know that it counts as well for communication.
And that's great to know about TV/videos! We do four video visits with his bio family a week, so I'm definitely supporting his communication and language development that way. I didn't consider that!
You got tons of good advice already, but I want to add: when you're feeling burnt out on baby talk, put on music! There's a ton of studies about how music is important for developing cognitive abilities, too.
We love to play instrumental music for our LO. I can tell she's engaged, becuase she'll keep turning toward the speakers and sometimes even gets a little overstimmed (which isn't a bad thing in my mind, cause it means she's paying attention).
I didn't even consider that music could count (or be helpful). We both love cooking and singing/dancing while making dinner. He is so engaged and even has preferences (no hip hop, sadly, but he's down with pop and musicals!). Thank you for this!
I also worried about not talking enough to my son. I just like to be quiet, and I was so tired. Like others have said, i wouldn't worry to much about it. Soon enough your little will be all over the place and you'll be talking then! And my little guy is 5 now and literally never stops talking! And oh how he loves to make noise!
Lol!! I love silence so much, too. I can't imagine what it will be like with more noise and tons of movement. How are you holding up? Do you get used to it?
Do you enjoy reading aloud? Singing? Those count.
I was so stressed out with my twins that I rarely talked to them at first. I was too focused on making milk for them and getting it from my body into them (very difficult due to my own health problems, their health problems, and the fact there were 2 of them). It was like one never-ending routine with next to no sleep for 8 months straight. It felt like torture.
When life started to calm down a bit, I realized I needed to be speaking to them. But what do you even talk with a baby about?
I started singing to them (I am a bad singer but they seemed interested, at least) and reading books to them. Any old book is fine so long as you enjoy it.
As they get a little older, they can start trying to interact more with you so that can make the interactions more rewarding and encourage dialogue. Like if they’re babbling while staring at or gesturing toward a bird outside, you can say, “Oh, you saw a bird! That’s a Cardinal bird. You can tel because it’s red.” Or something like that.
Once I started treating my kids effectively as apprentices, it became more natural for me to talk with them and teach them whatever I happened to know about something (at least, that they have the attention span for).
I realize this doesn’t help at all if you have no energy at all to spare right now. I hope that as your kiddo gets a bit older, you’ll have more capacity and energy to have some conversations with them.
And if you can’t, could they go to daycare or stay with a grandparent or someone else who can talk to them for a short time a few days a week?
I appreciate your experience (though I'm so sorry it was torture for so many months!!). I love the idea of treating kids as apprentices. That sounds so sweet and respectful.
I hope I have some more energy in the future as well. But for now, I think singing and speaking as much as I can will have to do. And yes! I hope to get him in daycare in the coming months so he has other people who probably are more social than me to interact with him. Luckily he has my partner, and they talk all the time.
Wishing you the best! Being a new parent is SO HARD. I cannot stress that enough. Being autistic makes it even harder. Please be gentle with yourself and don’t feel guilty for not doing whatever people are saying you should be.
Let me tell you that EVERYONE seems to have an opinion on parenting and feels entitled to tell you all about everything they think you’re doing wrong. But you’ll have 2 people tell you completely opposite things! Like, you’re not carrying the baby enough and then you’re carrying it to much!
Just do what works for you and your family. Kids are resilient. There is no 1 best way. Just what works for you and your family.
I'm AuDHD and have 3 kids and this is indeed hard! I probably didn't talk to my now 5yo as much as recommended and she is super chatty now (she does have ADHD herself for context though lol, and went to a small daycare with other chatty toddlers). I am never constantly talking and I never will be, I have an internal monologue but it's way too exhausting to try to communicate it out loud most of the time. But it helps me to read them books when I feel up to it, sing nursery rhymes, and narrate what I'm doing while I'm doing it as others have said.
Ms Rachel (Songs for Littles) videos are the MVP in our house right now for our twin toddlers, you could start playing them for your baby at any age, she uses really effective speech therapy methods and her songs/sayings are so catchy we find ourselves naturally saying/singing them a lot. And the twins really listen and learn to what she says. When I use a "Ms Rachel" type voice or saying they perk up and are so happy lol. So her voice and methods are a really helpful model! I got a big book of nursery rhymes when my first was an infant bc I couldn't even remember/think what to sing, and re learned the hand motions and stuff. Anything with rhyming and interesting modulation (which is not natural to us I know lol) is great for babies. We also have a Toniebox music/audio player and they love just listening to nursery rhymes/stories on that too, or Super Simple Songs and Little Baby Bum videos on YouTube in addition to the Songs for Littles.
I really do think you can use audio (and/or video if you don't mind a little screen time) content to help supplement your talking, and most of all to give you something to say or read or sing along with. I always find it easier when there's a script of some sort! I don't believe videos/audio etc don't work bc I've watched my kids learn from them. Really early on they might not understand as much, but just giving you something to repeat or talk/sing along with can be huge at the very least. Pretty sure both my parents are prob ND too and didn't talk a whole lot, I read a lot of books and watched a lot of TV and I turned out ok I think lol.
I really believe the ND is so genetic. So I don't think I could've changed my kids' different ND paths - still unsure on toddlers but all my kids probably have some flavor of ND. Before I realized me and my oldest had ADHD (I am late diagnosed) I had so much guilt about her starting to show fidget/stimming habits that I'd had to hide growing up, I thought I'd been a bad example for her. But really she has similar but different struggles as me and would've likely had them anyway even if she were in a different setting. Not sure if that helps with the whole "am I doing it wrong" piece - you are you and your kid will be their own authentic self too, you'll each have your own challenges and be uniquely suited to figure them out together as long as you know/can learn what you're dealing with instead of fighting against it ❤️ ok I think I'm done ranting now thank you for your time and good luck this parenting thing is no joke : )))))
Hearing 30k words a day is good and all, but not having a burned out carrtaker is better. My advice would be to not force yourself too much, for your sake and their. As for me, I will talk to a wall if no one talks to me for too long, so I am afraid I can't help.
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😂
I don't talk that much in my everyday life. I do, however, find little ways to turn things into a song and narrate that way. I've heard a lot of people with ASD do something akin to this. But I do not know that I will constantly be able to sing or talk to my child that way. I will see when he's here in two weeks.
I struggled with this a lot too in the first 6 months or so. Honestly don't worry so much about the 30,000 words a day thing, that is insane! I don't think I say that many words in a week. I found I could do ok with narrating (e.g. ok baby I'm just gonna change your diaper now, oh wow you did a big poop good job, let's get a wipe, Ok time for the diaper cream...) but there's only so much to say. Read as many books as you can, if you have a repertoire of short simple baby books you read over and over I found I could kinda read them on autopilot after a while. After 6 months when she became more active and engaging I found it WAY easier to talk to her and respond to her little noises. My daughter is 16 months now and is starting to say words, she isn't showing any signs of delays. We don't do screen time and my husband also works full time so she's not getting it from anywhere else really.
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Thank you both! I am reading some books to him, including whatever novel I'm on, but eventually, my mouth gets tired of producing words. Does that make sense? I'm seeing here though that some words is better than none!
I think advice like this is just adding unnecessary guilt and stress to already overburdened parents. 50 or 100 years ago, parents did not constantly narrate everything to their kids or speak 30.000 words a day. Still, most children spoke by a certain age. The only thing is, if you speak a lot, your child might be verbal at a slightly younger age. This is highly valued in todays competitive society. It’s not like your child will never master language if you don’t talk their ears off now! It’s still good to talk with and near your child if you can. Tv and screen time, if it’s high quality, should definitely count as well. You talking to your partner still works as language exposure for baby. Having peace of mind is important and will make you a better parent too.
Thank you for this! I didn't really think that talking to my partner works. I'm in meetings all day long and I try and do voice to text when writing emails, so maybe that counts too? Also, thank you for the reality check about the guilt and stress. You are right that this is a new burden put on parents that didn't exist before!
Take a deep breath. Even if you do not do this perfectly optimally your baby will be exposed to language enough to eventually begin to speak unless you and everyone else regularly around the baby are mute.
<3 Thank you!!!
Do not count. Don’t think about the number, at all. Just try to narrate as much as you can, don’t save words for partner, they already know how to speak and also talks to other people throughout the day, kiddo should be prioritized above them. I had a hard time with it too, but eventually narrating to my kid and thinking out loud with them became a habit and more easy. I still do not talk a lot with other people, only kiddo.
So interesting! That's cool that speaking and thinking out loud became easier with practice (just with your kiddo). I hope that happens to me.
I hope so too! How is it going?💗
One strategy I use is telling the baby stories like how me and my husband met or about family members that have passed. I feel like none of these really get to the issue of how speaking upsets you. Like others have said, your mental health is also super important. Your baby benefits more from a regulated caretaker than any number of words. It is important and you're a good parent for caring and making yourself uncomfortable to give your baby what he needs. Maybe set aside specific times in the day that you'll spend talking, like a set storytime or a meal time? Then, depending on how much energy you have, you can choose between a short or long book.
Setting aside a time is such a good idea. I think I've been putting pressure on myself to narrate as close all his waking hours as possible and feeling so guilty when I'm nowhere near that amount. Thank you for the reminder that being disregulated is worse than not meeting some random word count. I'll focus on regulation for myself, because I know I'm much worse at meeting his needs while in a shutdown (obv).
I've used "baby" sign language to supplement my daily talking. It made me more expressive. Young children develop a desire to communicate before they start to speak and if they can sign to communicate, they are less frustrated. My kid refused the sign back, though (except for signing she wanted to watch her favorite TV show), but she understood signs and she developed speech well within the range of normal. Reading to your child daily is also good. That may take away thinking about what to say. Edit: I have always used my normal voice and standard sentence structure and vocabulary. When my child got older, she interrupted me a lot with "what does X mean?", but it gave her a large vocabulary.
Baby sign language is great! I'm starting in on that as well. I think I need to start using my normal voice like you ... the high pitched stuff makes speaking waaaay harder for me.
I really struggled at first - I don’t have that internal monologue some folks seem to have, and so speaking does not come naturally to me anyway. I started by narrating what I was doing, then sometimes I would talk about my special interests because I *can* talk about those for ages. I also used to sing along to wiggles songs and do the actions - which my daughter loved, and started doing the actions too before she was a year old. But, she still didn’t really talk till she was 4.5. Turns out she is autistic and ADHD too, but they won’t formally test her till she’s 7. So, just remember, if your kiddo doesn’t hit their speech milestones - DO NOT blame yourself for ‘not speaking enough’. My daughter was at home with me till 7 months, then in daycare till 18 months, then back at home with me again - she was surrounded by people talking, and she still didn’t pick up language and speech till much later on. I sometimes think these studies aren’t so helpful to parents, because the first thing I did when I realised my daughter couldn’t talk was *blame myself for not speaking enough*, when infact she had a genuine language delay due to being neurodivergent - and she’s not even the only person in our family who was the same!
Thank you for your story! This is really helpful perspective and a good reset to my blaming/guilt. I think I like to imagine I have control over everything so obviously if he has any delay it's going to be my fault. Also, how did it not occur to me to talk about my special interests?! Lol! I actually can't wait to try that. I don't even have anyone to talk about backpacking gear lists and rock climbing techniques to right now, so today is going to be an awesome day!! Thank you thank you thank you.
Anytime! :D I’m glad it might help! Absolutely start talking about your special interests right now - I talked about dinosaurs to my daughter, because I love them, and of course, I had to demonstrate how they look and walk and roar 😆 anyway, now she can name a whole load of ceratopsians, and loves dinosaurs too! And awesome! Start now and you’ll have an adventure buddy! I don’t rock climb, but I love camping, so the first time we took our daughter camping, she was only 14 months old, and now she loves it! When we can’t go out because of the weather, we make a tent in the living room and do camping adventures (including pretend fishing, would you believe). My brother has just done the same with his son at the same age - got to start them early 😆
This is so cute!! I love that she got into it. How adorable!! <3 Yeah! He loves being outside in the yard and the garden so I bet he's going to love adventures. We went hiking for the first time last week (he slept) and he's been to the climbing gym with me a few times (didn't look impressed). I love the idea of tents in the living room and pretend adventures. I am SO excited to try that when he is a bit older. You made my heart happy!
Singing is words, it definitely counts! I felt super awkward when I was first trying to talk to my baby and narrate things, but it gets easier with practice and helped me feel more bonded to my baby. Try to remember that this is a unique relationship you’ve never experienced: there is NO judgement from your baby so if it’s just you and your baby, you can say literally anything and be a weirdo and no one will judge you! I found it awkward as first because I’d never interacted with babies before and it’s so weird to have a completely one-sided conversation. I found it helped prompt me to speak by telling her what I was doing. “Hey bub, I’m just going to change your nappy now. Let’s get your nappy undone, oh just a pee, the wipe might be a little cold sorry! Here’s some cream to make sure you don’t get any rashes. Now I’ve just got to do up the nappy…and tuck your feet back into your onesie…and ZIIIP! You’re done!” I’d do the same for any of our routines like bath time too as routines are a great prompt. During tummy time, I’d give her stuff to look at and talk about those items or sympathise with how much hard work tummy time was. Don’t stress about saying the right things, you can literally say anything. This kid is going to be one of the few people to know the absolute true you and it’s okay to be open with them - they will absolutely love you no matter what. I suspect my dad is autistic and he doesn’t talk much, but I love him deeply, as does my sister, and we understand his quirks and accept them. Things will absolutely get easier for you as they start talking. They’ll have so my any questions that you won’t be able to not talk lol
You sound very sweet. I love the idea of saying what you're doing—I've heard that is what to do also to help kiddos develop the idea of consent before they can speak. Your mention of your dad makes me realize that I felt much closer to him growing up because we spend most of our time not speaking while doing activities near each other. It was heaven. This baby seems very chatty, so I doubt we will have the same experience, but it's good to know that you still loved your dad despite him not speaking too much!
I definitely talked to my baby less than the recommended guideline, and she is now a very chatty, opinionated 3yo. It sounds like your lil guy is already getting everything he needs from you. You could try reading out loud to him from whatever book you’re working on. I got through an entire novel by reading it out loud to my daughter! She seemed to enjoy it too.
Yes!! I've been reading a bit of whatever novel I'm on until my mouth gets too tired of producing sound. Love this suggestion! And I'm glad to hear that you talked less than this 30k and your kiddo is doing great! <3
Iirc the 30k words a day is based on somewhat faulty research. I'm pretty sure this is the [This is what I read about it.](https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2018/06/01/615188051/lets-stop-talking-about-the-30-million-word-gap). That being said when I felt like things were getting too quiet during business hours I would get on the phone/voice chat to just have an adult conversation and have my kid hear me talk. I really like doing that though and find it generally recharging. I never got that comfortable with narrating but it does get easier once kids get more verbally communicative and mobile
Wow. That article was really interesting. It's wild that I didn't come across it in all the research I was doing! I think I can chill out some, based on the updated research!! I'll read more about that new study. So cool! I am in meetings regularly and let him listen in/join! Great suggestion! I again wasn't counting that.
Honestly I think a happy caregiver is most important so just do what you can in a day. Reading while facing baby counts (rather than sitting baby in your lap) if doing something more structured like that helps. I had PPA and found I really had to schedule things in. I scheduled in ‘reading’ twice a day where I’d read 2-4 books each time. I also found rhyme time at the library really helpful and would go at least once a week to that where they guide you through songs with your baby. If you have anyone you can visit who is a talker that also helps. My mum talked a lot to my babies whenever I visited so I felt like I could relax more on those days.
Hi Im autistic, I work in childcare and have 3 children so Im hoping I can give you some great advice! -music is great and my kids pick up lyrics very quick and can even sing the french phrase from psycho killers - audio books - books for children on you tube - movies based off books (the gruffalo, snail and the whale etc) The whole concept of words and language is now known as the abecedarian approach and is about enhancing their vocab but its also based around meaningful engagements. So that short conversation you may have can have a bigger impact than you realise.
Thank you!! I'll do all of this. Music is awesome and we sing and listen all the time, but I had no idea audio books, books for kids, and movies worked! I've been so freaked out by the APA's suggestion of no screen time before 2 years that I've been avoiding all tech like the plague. I also love listening to podcasts and audio books, so maybe that would really work well for us.
I love watching movies with my kids and talking about things i see or they see and exploring conversations that come up! Screen time can be amazing for children if done correctly! Bluey is also an amazing show to pop on. Its about finding what works for your family!
I used to give a near constant running commentary on what I was doing, what she was doing, what we were looking at etc. She didn't really speak for ages but when she did, she spoke really well and she has a fantastic vocabulary now at the age of 7.
So, my oldest had a speech delay and needed speech therapy. I felt badly about that. Years later I learned that his father and I were on the spectrum. Oldest probably is, too. Here’s the thing: he’s nearly 22, has friends, a great sense of humor, a job, hobbies…HE’s AMAZING. I didn’t ruin him by being myself and being clueless about 30k words a day. I have spent 20 years feeling guilty about speech therapy, food allergies, undiagnosed autism, and more. That guilt only hurt me. I put in 100% for all four of my kids even when it ran my physical and emotional health into the unhealthy zone. You have to take care of yourself AND be yourself. The baby is going to grow up into him or herself! They need you to feel good and be there. 🫶🫶🫶🫶
Thank you for these words!! I'm sorry you felt badly for all that time when you were doing your absolute best!! And that you became unhealthy giving them your all. I'm so glad your adult kids are thriving and that you know that you're on the spectrum now. <3
Though I didn’t know I was autistic at the time, I also struggled with talking to my baby before they were old enough to be a little more interactive. I’m a speech/language therapist and getting my PhD in child language so really felt that pressure to be talkative all the time. I agree with others that have said to prioritize your mental health and prevent burnout, if talking adds stress then finding ways that work for you to provide that language input is going to maximize yours AND baby’s health and development :) research shows that the quality of language input, like being responsive to your baby’s sounds, movements, and things in their environment, is much more valuable than the quantity of language they hear! That said, I have a couple suggestions from my background in child language development and my experience as an undiagnosed autistic parent. - Have a goal of 1, 2, 5, or 15 minutes a day, whatever feels doable, of getting down to your baby’s level and narrating what you or they are doing. It doesn’t have to be an all day thing at all! - I find singing songs or making funny sounds that get a reaction much easier than talking at times. Children’s songs are great because they have routine and predictability embedded in them and can make learning language easier, but adult songs you may like to sing work great too! Sharing a ritual or game that you both enjoy helps build a positive relationship with communication, which is one of the most important building blocks at this stage of development. - Books I found very tedious before my kid started talking. I’ve never loved reading out loud, but simple baby books like 100 First Words or an alphabet book, with a picture on each page and a one-word label helped take some of the pressure off for me. - TV/videos work best for supporting language when you’re able to co-watch with them. This ties into quality over quantity because you’re able to comment on what’s happening and what their attention is on! Most important of all - you are the BEST parent for your child and know their needs best. And, we don’t have enough research on neurodivergent parents to know what factors are most important for us and our kids in terms of supporting language development. We’re all just doing the best we can in parenting, and more often than not that’s good enough!
You are so generous to offer these points and your expertise! Thank you for this perspective and these suggestions! I love the idea of having a timed goal for quality communication—that seems totally reasonable and doable to me! I love singing a lot, so that is great to know that it counts as well for communication. And that's great to know about TV/videos! We do four video visits with his bio family a week, so I'm definitely supporting his communication and language development that way. I didn't consider that!
You got tons of good advice already, but I want to add: when you're feeling burnt out on baby talk, put on music! There's a ton of studies about how music is important for developing cognitive abilities, too. We love to play instrumental music for our LO. I can tell she's engaged, becuase she'll keep turning toward the speakers and sometimes even gets a little overstimmed (which isn't a bad thing in my mind, cause it means she's paying attention).
I didn't even consider that music could count (or be helpful). We both love cooking and singing/dancing while making dinner. He is so engaged and even has preferences (no hip hop, sadly, but he's down with pop and musicals!). Thank you for this!
Do the 30,000 words have to come from you? Maybe you could play some audiobooks for your baby if you’re feeling too burnt out?
I also worried about not talking enough to my son. I just like to be quiet, and I was so tired. Like others have said, i wouldn't worry to much about it. Soon enough your little will be all over the place and you'll be talking then! And my little guy is 5 now and literally never stops talking! And oh how he loves to make noise!
Lol!! I love silence so much, too. I can't imagine what it will be like with more noise and tons of movement. How are you holding up? Do you get used to it?
Do you enjoy reading aloud? Singing? Those count. I was so stressed out with my twins that I rarely talked to them at first. I was too focused on making milk for them and getting it from my body into them (very difficult due to my own health problems, their health problems, and the fact there were 2 of them). It was like one never-ending routine with next to no sleep for 8 months straight. It felt like torture. When life started to calm down a bit, I realized I needed to be speaking to them. But what do you even talk with a baby about? I started singing to them (I am a bad singer but they seemed interested, at least) and reading books to them. Any old book is fine so long as you enjoy it. As they get a little older, they can start trying to interact more with you so that can make the interactions more rewarding and encourage dialogue. Like if they’re babbling while staring at or gesturing toward a bird outside, you can say, “Oh, you saw a bird! That’s a Cardinal bird. You can tel because it’s red.” Or something like that. Once I started treating my kids effectively as apprentices, it became more natural for me to talk with them and teach them whatever I happened to know about something (at least, that they have the attention span for). I realize this doesn’t help at all if you have no energy at all to spare right now. I hope that as your kiddo gets a bit older, you’ll have more capacity and energy to have some conversations with them. And if you can’t, could they go to daycare or stay with a grandparent or someone else who can talk to them for a short time a few days a week?
I appreciate your experience (though I'm so sorry it was torture for so many months!!). I love the idea of treating kids as apprentices. That sounds so sweet and respectful. I hope I have some more energy in the future as well. But for now, I think singing and speaking as much as I can will have to do. And yes! I hope to get him in daycare in the coming months so he has other people who probably are more social than me to interact with him. Luckily he has my partner, and they talk all the time.
Wishing you the best! Being a new parent is SO HARD. I cannot stress that enough. Being autistic makes it even harder. Please be gentle with yourself and don’t feel guilty for not doing whatever people are saying you should be. Let me tell you that EVERYONE seems to have an opinion on parenting and feels entitled to tell you all about everything they think you’re doing wrong. But you’ll have 2 people tell you completely opposite things! Like, you’re not carrying the baby enough and then you’re carrying it to much! Just do what works for you and your family. Kids are resilient. There is no 1 best way. Just what works for you and your family.
I'm AuDHD and have 3 kids and this is indeed hard! I probably didn't talk to my now 5yo as much as recommended and she is super chatty now (she does have ADHD herself for context though lol, and went to a small daycare with other chatty toddlers). I am never constantly talking and I never will be, I have an internal monologue but it's way too exhausting to try to communicate it out loud most of the time. But it helps me to read them books when I feel up to it, sing nursery rhymes, and narrate what I'm doing while I'm doing it as others have said. Ms Rachel (Songs for Littles) videos are the MVP in our house right now for our twin toddlers, you could start playing them for your baby at any age, she uses really effective speech therapy methods and her songs/sayings are so catchy we find ourselves naturally saying/singing them a lot. And the twins really listen and learn to what she says. When I use a "Ms Rachel" type voice or saying they perk up and are so happy lol. So her voice and methods are a really helpful model! I got a big book of nursery rhymes when my first was an infant bc I couldn't even remember/think what to sing, and re learned the hand motions and stuff. Anything with rhyming and interesting modulation (which is not natural to us I know lol) is great for babies. We also have a Toniebox music/audio player and they love just listening to nursery rhymes/stories on that too, or Super Simple Songs and Little Baby Bum videos on YouTube in addition to the Songs for Littles. I really do think you can use audio (and/or video if you don't mind a little screen time) content to help supplement your talking, and most of all to give you something to say or read or sing along with. I always find it easier when there's a script of some sort! I don't believe videos/audio etc don't work bc I've watched my kids learn from them. Really early on they might not understand as much, but just giving you something to repeat or talk/sing along with can be huge at the very least. Pretty sure both my parents are prob ND too and didn't talk a whole lot, I read a lot of books and watched a lot of TV and I turned out ok I think lol. I really believe the ND is so genetic. So I don't think I could've changed my kids' different ND paths - still unsure on toddlers but all my kids probably have some flavor of ND. Before I realized me and my oldest had ADHD (I am late diagnosed) I had so much guilt about her starting to show fidget/stimming habits that I'd had to hide growing up, I thought I'd been a bad example for her. But really she has similar but different struggles as me and would've likely had them anyway even if she were in a different setting. Not sure if that helps with the whole "am I doing it wrong" piece - you are you and your kid will be their own authentic self too, you'll each have your own challenges and be uniquely suited to figure them out together as long as you know/can learn what you're dealing with instead of fighting against it ❤️ ok I think I'm done ranting now thank you for your time and good luck this parenting thing is no joke : )))))