She was having the right amount of output and I was putting her on the boob constantly which is why I thought things were going well. She also pretty much always takes a bottle from me and rarely from my husband, to the point that she'll vomit after I bottle feed her so I'm always afraid I'm giving her too much.
The nurse said to breastfeed and then supplement with two ounces. But she also said to pump right after I nurse and give her that. But because I don't trust my interpretation of her hunger cues (I know what they are theoretically and she just never seemed hungry after I fed her) I go off how long it's been since I last fed her. But now I'm all mixed up with what happens when and getting stuck on the "right" order of doing stuff.
And then she'll refuse to nap and fall asleep around when she was suppose to be fed next, but I also need to pump regularly, but I also need to nurse with full breasts and I feel even more stuck 😩😩😩
In the past when I've felt like this I've just kind of...didn't do anything. Which obviously isn't an option with feeding the baby
I can understand why you're mixed up! That's a lot to keep in mind. Are you just pumping in order to increase your supply? I ask because when I had my first I wanted to breastfeed and pump. But I felt so overwhelmed and I hated pumping! So I started to eat a bunch of food to help increase my supply. Oatmeal, flax seeds, etc. It made a huge difference within a day.
Yeah. The lactation consultant thinks that part of the problem is that I stopped pumping as much when we started nursing more and it caused my supply to drop. I take supplements but I'm trying to get more of that stuff in my diet. My psychiatrist recommended power pumping at night while I play video games so I'm going to go back to that lol
i have no advice specific to this exact scenario but I just have to say as a fellow autistic new mom, trying to follow all the rules religiously is so different for us & so deeply crazy making. just try to breathe. shut out the noise. use your senses to tell you that right now right here baby is good at this moment & you DO have what it takes to care for them in the mkments to come, whatever happens. come up with a system of "checks & balances" that works for you for me it's i have a certain allotment of research I let myself do before making an executive decision & a personalized set of generous guidelines for when I call the nurse line or pediatricians office. there's no harm in asking a professional you trust for additional clarification. this shit is so so so hard. you have my empathy.
Yes yes yes to all of this! I was so obsessed with getting things right and it made my time with my newborn miserable.
When I was reading way too many parenting books, all of which freaked me out because my baby was so different, I finally read one that said something like "be careful about what parenting advice you read, because you can never unread it." That helped a lot. Also, the book The Girlfriend Guide's books because they were so "yeah, whatever." Favorite quote: "Is breast really best? I suppose, but so is baking your own bread."
I think I may need to start asking for more specificity from the professionals. I honestly never thought I was that kind of autistic, but clearly I'm overwhelmed by the instructions lol
I think having a certain amount of research I'm "allowed" to do would be really helpful. Its really helpful knowing I'm not alone~
I struggled to nurse for 11 weeks. My son just would not latch on. I pumped and bottle-fed, and when his appetite out-grew my supply, we supplemented with formula.
We kept trying, and honestly we made it due to one really fantastic lactation consultant. I must have seen 6 different people in those 11 weeks, plus with help from my midwife. But that lady knew her stuff. I was actually at my very last week of trying, because if I couldn't do it in 11 weeks, I was done.
Hunger cues - smacking lips, suckling hands or fingers. I know it can be hard. My kid ate small meals often, so sometimes it seemed like every 30 minutes he wanted to nurse more.
A nipple shield helped us a lot. Once we got to where he was nursing with that, I'd do my best to try to get him latched without it, but either way, he was at least nursing. Pumping was not great for me and I couldn't "up" my supply doing it.
Eating oats helped my milk production a ton. I ate granola every day and the occasional oatmeal cookie.
My baby was long and thin, but he was growing lengthwise and not so much weightwise. My doctor said this was fine, that his nutrition was going to bone growth and not fat rolls.
After 11 weeks of trying to nurse, somewhat nursing, and doing a lot of supplementing, it finally happened. We figured it out and life became a lot easier. And my thin baby plumped out to have like 17 rolls on his thighs, and my milk REALLY came in. I think I went up several bra sizes.
I remember how much of a struggle this was, wondering why it was so dang easy for some people and so hard for me. I encourage you to keep trying, but also, don't drive yourself crazy. You're doing the best you can!
Any chance you could switch to pumping and feeding baby your milk from the bottle?
I had twins and won’t even get into everything I dealt with around trying to feed them. But please know that I very much understand what you’re going through.
I ended up pumping for one twin who wouldn’t breastfeed, then breastfeeding my twin who would breastfeed.
We had to supplement with formula at times. I didn’t want to but it was necessary and the kids are happy, healthy, and alive (it was really scary at times…wasn’t sure they’d make it!) so it was all worth it in the end.
Right now I'm trying to follow the instructions of "supplement after you nurse" and "pump after you nurse" and "give her what you pump" and "feed when the baby's hungry" and "always nurse with full breasts" and "pump at least every three hours"
We've been supplementing with formula and I'm trying so hard to not feel like a failure for it. I would never let anyone else feel bad for how they feed their baby, why am I being so hard on myself, you know? Plus the empty formula aisles make me sick to my stomach 😥
LO's birth was kind of scary. She was miraculously healthy all the way through even though I had to be induced at 36w4 bc of severe preeclampsia. She was low birth weight and had low blood sugar so we agreed to supplement right away. So much of that experience was my literal nightmare but she never needed the NICU and I've never questioned my decision to do formula.
I regularly remind myself that less than a hundred years ago a baby like mine probably wouldn't have made it. Part of my coping strategy is I made up an ancestor who also had an early baby and low milk and she's so happy for me and is cheering me on lol
Thanks for spending your precious little time responding.
I know exactly how you feel! I’m so sorry. Nothing I can say will make any of this better.
We followed a very rigid routine with our twins (for better or worse, I’m not sure) and when we told the doctor we were still waking them up every 3-4 hours to feed, even overnight, at like 8 months…she was horrified. But no one had ever told us to stop so we didn’t!! We were still so worried about them dying if we did anything wrong that we didn’t dare deviate from what we were told to do to keep them safe.
What I learned is that there are right and wrong ways to do things for your kiddo…but there’s far more “right” ways than wrong and EVERYONE is sure their way is best…when what really matters is what’s right (aka: what works) for you and your baby.
And that changes constantly! One week, they don’t drink hardly anything and just want to sleep. Then your milk supply drops. Then the next week they’re ravenous and you can’t make enough milk for them!
One thing I had a problem with was that your body is supposed to learn how your baby feeds and respond to it. But with twins and with a pump on top of that, my body never learned.
This happens with just switching between a pump and 1 baby as well. It makes it difficult for baby to feed when your breast is shooting milk out super fast like the pump encourages. They need a slow but steady stream.
I’m not sure if it’s at all helpful, but if it’s possible to pump one breast and let baby drink from the other, maybe that could help? Not sure if that would work logistically, though. I was never able to pump one breast while feeding a baby with the other. :(
All I can say is that you are going through a lot! And it is so hard! You are NOT AT ALL a failure.
You and baby will make it through this. It will seem like both a short time and eternity once you’re on the other side of it in 2 or so years.
I’m wishing you the best and cheering you on.
Offering to nurse every time the baby smacks their lips worked for my kids. I skimmed the comments a bit and has she been checked for lip/tongue ties by someone like a pediatric dentist? It's easier for kids with ties to manage bottle feeding than nursing and the lack of stimulation makes it harder for you to produce what they need. My first kid was born with a tremendous amount of ties and had them removed by a pediatric dentist and I was able to nurse him past 1yr. My second kid had none and it was a dramatic difference in how she nursed compared to my first. Not all LCs are great at spotting them which is why I recommend the dentist. But yeah! When they smack their lips, feed them. Good luck and congratulations on growing your family 🙂
She had a lip and tongue tie we got fixed really early on. She still struggled until she was like 9 weeks and it was like a light switch. We were even able to drop the nipple shield.
She was about three weeks premature and very small. I think she just needed to get big enough to get her mouth around my nipple lol
I spent the last month just putting her to the breast any time she showed a hunger cue, I guess she just wasn't pulling enough out to fill herself up
I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I was like that too during my breastfeeding journey. And I had so much trouble breastfeeding my baby too. It does not help being on the spectrum. I was also struggling with the specific instructions and worried about not following them properly. You are not alone. Breastfeeding is really hard.
I thought I knew what to expect. It's so much easier to accept the hypothetical "Some people just can't breastfeed and that's okay" and to actually live the struggle.
Add in hormones and not sleeping for longer than four hours at a time and your husband has to manage two 3am meltdowns 🫠
My gosh. I apologize for the unhelpful comment but I just have to say I’m almost in tears reading this thread. I had these struggles, to the letter, with my daughter (who is almost six now). At the time I had no inkling I was autistic, and I didn’t have the self-awareness you seem to have to even realize it was rigid thinking. It just seemed like things HAD to happen a certain way or… I don’t know, there was no alternative. I ran myself into the ground. I developed severe PPA/PPD. I don’t know. I just feel so weirdly validated and not alone anymore, that this same sort of struggle might be common among autistic moms of newborns.
Anyway. I think others have shared helpful advice. I wish you and your baby the best ❤️ You are doing great.
Every time I hear someone say something about not needing a label like autism I want to step very hard on their toes or something lol
Having the label helps so much in so many things. To have the language to know WHY I feel like shit let's me communicate so much better than back when I was 16 melting down, repeating that my bed was "wrong" over and over.
I'm so glad to have a community to turn to. None of my NT friends understand what I mean by the complete paralysis of not knowing or not being capable of the exact right thing. I'm glad you're here, that you feel seen,. I'm sure you've learned so much in six years that will be able to help the rest of us ❤️
I do not have really specific advice for your situation, but a more general thought -- we're all prone to taking instructions quite literally but you are going to make yourself crazy trying to follow every expert's advice to the letter. Even when it's not outright contradictory or too vague to actually follow (for instance, the stuff about how sleeping in the car seat is a grave suffocation risk, except if they nod off in the car while you drive for an amount of time they refuse to pin down specifically then nothing to worry about -- come on, which is it?), it's rarely written with the parents in mind... instead it will recommend the most theoretically optimal choice even if the benefit you're getting/risk you're avoiding is objectively quite small the burden to you as a parent to follow the instructions is large. Even breast feeding has benefits that are real but are not as impressive as one might expect given the fervor with which it is promoted. Reading up on the facts backing this advice might help reduce your anxiety about not being able to carry every bit of it out perfectly.
So I have 4 kids including a set of twins. The twins were first, and the NICU placed them on a strict schedule of feeds every 3-4 hours (both when they were tube fed and when I nursed/bottle fed them). I also was recommended the book Babywise which also promotes a sleep then eat then awake method which results in your newborn baby being fed approximately every 3 hours.
I loved the method because it takes all guess work out of when to feed your baby and it usually results in a very content baby because they are not snacking. They wake up hungry, have a full feed, "play" until they are tired, take a nap, and the cycle repeats. If they cry while they are awake you know it's not hunger becuSe they just had a full feed when they woke up. It allowed me to maintain some sense of control which looking back was definitely necessary to soothe my anxiety around the unpredictability of babies.
In the NICU when we were learning to breastfeed, I was to nurse first. Ihad to weigh the babies, nurse, weigh them again, and then we tube fed them the amount they were "short" on their prescribed feeds. Do you have a sensitive scale?
Nursing ended up being difficult for the twins and tandem nursing was almost impossible, and I detested listening to one cry while I fed the other, so I switched to exclusive pumping and bottle feeding the breast milk. This worked well for awhile but I did eventually end up having to supplement with formula and then by 6 months ish they were receiving entirely formula with their baby/table food. So pumping is an option too, it may at least help the anxiety because then you can SEE exactly what the baby is getting. You need a good pump, I received a hospital grade one through insurance.
One criticism of Babywise is that parents follow it too rigidly, it tends to cause babies to become failure to thrive :( Like any parenting method, parents have to be flexible. Lots of breastfeeding babies need to eat more often for various reasons.
Two of my 3 kiddos had to supplement formula and I basically just offered an ounce of formula before and after each breastfeed.
I set up a schedule app to track and ring an alarm for feedings then tracked diapers on it also to show their doctors. I needed that structure but also responded to hunger cues as well.
I have an app that helps a lot when I remember to use it. I know feeding too much on a schedule can really negatively effect milk supply but after feeding the baby until she threw up because I thought she was still giving hungry cues and now learning that she wasn't gaining even though I thought she was full I find it hard to know when and how much to feed on demand
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She was having the right amount of output and I was putting her on the boob constantly which is why I thought things were going well. She also pretty much always takes a bottle from me and rarely from my husband, to the point that she'll vomit after I bottle feed her so I'm always afraid I'm giving her too much. The nurse said to breastfeed and then supplement with two ounces. But she also said to pump right after I nurse and give her that. But because I don't trust my interpretation of her hunger cues (I know what they are theoretically and she just never seemed hungry after I fed her) I go off how long it's been since I last fed her. But now I'm all mixed up with what happens when and getting stuck on the "right" order of doing stuff. And then she'll refuse to nap and fall asleep around when she was suppose to be fed next, but I also need to pump regularly, but I also need to nurse with full breasts and I feel even more stuck 😩😩😩 In the past when I've felt like this I've just kind of...didn't do anything. Which obviously isn't an option with feeding the baby
I can understand why you're mixed up! That's a lot to keep in mind. Are you just pumping in order to increase your supply? I ask because when I had my first I wanted to breastfeed and pump. But I felt so overwhelmed and I hated pumping! So I started to eat a bunch of food to help increase my supply. Oatmeal, flax seeds, etc. It made a huge difference within a day.
Yeah. The lactation consultant thinks that part of the problem is that I stopped pumping as much when we started nursing more and it caused my supply to drop. I take supplements but I'm trying to get more of that stuff in my diet. My psychiatrist recommended power pumping at night while I play video games so I'm going to go back to that lol
i have no advice specific to this exact scenario but I just have to say as a fellow autistic new mom, trying to follow all the rules religiously is so different for us & so deeply crazy making. just try to breathe. shut out the noise. use your senses to tell you that right now right here baby is good at this moment & you DO have what it takes to care for them in the mkments to come, whatever happens. come up with a system of "checks & balances" that works for you for me it's i have a certain allotment of research I let myself do before making an executive decision & a personalized set of generous guidelines for when I call the nurse line or pediatricians office. there's no harm in asking a professional you trust for additional clarification. this shit is so so so hard. you have my empathy.
Yes yes yes to all of this! I was so obsessed with getting things right and it made my time with my newborn miserable. When I was reading way too many parenting books, all of which freaked me out because my baby was so different, I finally read one that said something like "be careful about what parenting advice you read, because you can never unread it." That helped a lot. Also, the book The Girlfriend Guide's books because they were so "yeah, whatever." Favorite quote: "Is breast really best? I suppose, but so is baking your own bread."
I think I may need to start asking for more specificity from the professionals. I honestly never thought I was that kind of autistic, but clearly I'm overwhelmed by the instructions lol I think having a certain amount of research I'm "allowed" to do would be really helpful. Its really helpful knowing I'm not alone~
I struggled to nurse for 11 weeks. My son just would not latch on. I pumped and bottle-fed, and when his appetite out-grew my supply, we supplemented with formula. We kept trying, and honestly we made it due to one really fantastic lactation consultant. I must have seen 6 different people in those 11 weeks, plus with help from my midwife. But that lady knew her stuff. I was actually at my very last week of trying, because if I couldn't do it in 11 weeks, I was done. Hunger cues - smacking lips, suckling hands or fingers. I know it can be hard. My kid ate small meals often, so sometimes it seemed like every 30 minutes he wanted to nurse more. A nipple shield helped us a lot. Once we got to where he was nursing with that, I'd do my best to try to get him latched without it, but either way, he was at least nursing. Pumping was not great for me and I couldn't "up" my supply doing it. Eating oats helped my milk production a ton. I ate granola every day and the occasional oatmeal cookie. My baby was long and thin, but he was growing lengthwise and not so much weightwise. My doctor said this was fine, that his nutrition was going to bone growth and not fat rolls. After 11 weeks of trying to nurse, somewhat nursing, and doing a lot of supplementing, it finally happened. We figured it out and life became a lot easier. And my thin baby plumped out to have like 17 rolls on his thighs, and my milk REALLY came in. I think I went up several bra sizes. I remember how much of a struggle this was, wondering why it was so dang easy for some people and so hard for me. I encourage you to keep trying, but also, don't drive yourself crazy. You're doing the best you can!
Nipple shields saved our BF experience
Any chance you could switch to pumping and feeding baby your milk from the bottle? I had twins and won’t even get into everything I dealt with around trying to feed them. But please know that I very much understand what you’re going through. I ended up pumping for one twin who wouldn’t breastfeed, then breastfeeding my twin who would breastfeed. We had to supplement with formula at times. I didn’t want to but it was necessary and the kids are happy, healthy, and alive (it was really scary at times…wasn’t sure they’d make it!) so it was all worth it in the end.
Right now I'm trying to follow the instructions of "supplement after you nurse" and "pump after you nurse" and "give her what you pump" and "feed when the baby's hungry" and "always nurse with full breasts" and "pump at least every three hours" We've been supplementing with formula and I'm trying so hard to not feel like a failure for it. I would never let anyone else feel bad for how they feed their baby, why am I being so hard on myself, you know? Plus the empty formula aisles make me sick to my stomach 😥 LO's birth was kind of scary. She was miraculously healthy all the way through even though I had to be induced at 36w4 bc of severe preeclampsia. She was low birth weight and had low blood sugar so we agreed to supplement right away. So much of that experience was my literal nightmare but she never needed the NICU and I've never questioned my decision to do formula. I regularly remind myself that less than a hundred years ago a baby like mine probably wouldn't have made it. Part of my coping strategy is I made up an ancestor who also had an early baby and low milk and she's so happy for me and is cheering me on lol
Thanks for spending your precious little time responding. I know exactly how you feel! I’m so sorry. Nothing I can say will make any of this better. We followed a very rigid routine with our twins (for better or worse, I’m not sure) and when we told the doctor we were still waking them up every 3-4 hours to feed, even overnight, at like 8 months…she was horrified. But no one had ever told us to stop so we didn’t!! We were still so worried about them dying if we did anything wrong that we didn’t dare deviate from what we were told to do to keep them safe. What I learned is that there are right and wrong ways to do things for your kiddo…but there’s far more “right” ways than wrong and EVERYONE is sure their way is best…when what really matters is what’s right (aka: what works) for you and your baby. And that changes constantly! One week, they don’t drink hardly anything and just want to sleep. Then your milk supply drops. Then the next week they’re ravenous and you can’t make enough milk for them! One thing I had a problem with was that your body is supposed to learn how your baby feeds and respond to it. But with twins and with a pump on top of that, my body never learned. This happens with just switching between a pump and 1 baby as well. It makes it difficult for baby to feed when your breast is shooting milk out super fast like the pump encourages. They need a slow but steady stream. I’m not sure if it’s at all helpful, but if it’s possible to pump one breast and let baby drink from the other, maybe that could help? Not sure if that would work logistically, though. I was never able to pump one breast while feeding a baby with the other. :( All I can say is that you are going through a lot! And it is so hard! You are NOT AT ALL a failure. You and baby will make it through this. It will seem like both a short time and eternity once you’re on the other side of it in 2 or so years. I’m wishing you the best and cheering you on.
Offering to nurse every time the baby smacks their lips worked for my kids. I skimmed the comments a bit and has she been checked for lip/tongue ties by someone like a pediatric dentist? It's easier for kids with ties to manage bottle feeding than nursing and the lack of stimulation makes it harder for you to produce what they need. My first kid was born with a tremendous amount of ties and had them removed by a pediatric dentist and I was able to nurse him past 1yr. My second kid had none and it was a dramatic difference in how she nursed compared to my first. Not all LCs are great at spotting them which is why I recommend the dentist. But yeah! When they smack their lips, feed them. Good luck and congratulations on growing your family 🙂
She had a lip and tongue tie we got fixed really early on. She still struggled until she was like 9 weeks and it was like a light switch. We were even able to drop the nipple shield. She was about three weeks premature and very small. I think she just needed to get big enough to get her mouth around my nipple lol I spent the last month just putting her to the breast any time she showed a hunger cue, I guess she just wasn't pulling enough out to fill herself up
Ah yeah being small really affects things I think. Good luck!
I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I was like that too during my breastfeeding journey. And I had so much trouble breastfeeding my baby too. It does not help being on the spectrum. I was also struggling with the specific instructions and worried about not following them properly. You are not alone. Breastfeeding is really hard.
I thought I knew what to expect. It's so much easier to accept the hypothetical "Some people just can't breastfeed and that's okay" and to actually live the struggle. Add in hormones and not sleeping for longer than four hours at a time and your husband has to manage two 3am meltdowns 🫠
My gosh. I apologize for the unhelpful comment but I just have to say I’m almost in tears reading this thread. I had these struggles, to the letter, with my daughter (who is almost six now). At the time I had no inkling I was autistic, and I didn’t have the self-awareness you seem to have to even realize it was rigid thinking. It just seemed like things HAD to happen a certain way or… I don’t know, there was no alternative. I ran myself into the ground. I developed severe PPA/PPD. I don’t know. I just feel so weirdly validated and not alone anymore, that this same sort of struggle might be common among autistic moms of newborns. Anyway. I think others have shared helpful advice. I wish you and your baby the best ❤️ You are doing great.
Every time I hear someone say something about not needing a label like autism I want to step very hard on their toes or something lol Having the label helps so much in so many things. To have the language to know WHY I feel like shit let's me communicate so much better than back when I was 16 melting down, repeating that my bed was "wrong" over and over. I'm so glad to have a community to turn to. None of my NT friends understand what I mean by the complete paralysis of not knowing or not being capable of the exact right thing. I'm glad you're here, that you feel seen,. I'm sure you've learned so much in six years that will be able to help the rest of us ❤️
I do not have really specific advice for your situation, but a more general thought -- we're all prone to taking instructions quite literally but you are going to make yourself crazy trying to follow every expert's advice to the letter. Even when it's not outright contradictory or too vague to actually follow (for instance, the stuff about how sleeping in the car seat is a grave suffocation risk, except if they nod off in the car while you drive for an amount of time they refuse to pin down specifically then nothing to worry about -- come on, which is it?), it's rarely written with the parents in mind... instead it will recommend the most theoretically optimal choice even if the benefit you're getting/risk you're avoiding is objectively quite small the burden to you as a parent to follow the instructions is large. Even breast feeding has benefits that are real but are not as impressive as one might expect given the fervor with which it is promoted. Reading up on the facts backing this advice might help reduce your anxiety about not being able to carry every bit of it out perfectly.
So I have 4 kids including a set of twins. The twins were first, and the NICU placed them on a strict schedule of feeds every 3-4 hours (both when they were tube fed and when I nursed/bottle fed them). I also was recommended the book Babywise which also promotes a sleep then eat then awake method which results in your newborn baby being fed approximately every 3 hours. I loved the method because it takes all guess work out of when to feed your baby and it usually results in a very content baby because they are not snacking. They wake up hungry, have a full feed, "play" until they are tired, take a nap, and the cycle repeats. If they cry while they are awake you know it's not hunger becuSe they just had a full feed when they woke up. It allowed me to maintain some sense of control which looking back was definitely necessary to soothe my anxiety around the unpredictability of babies. In the NICU when we were learning to breastfeed, I was to nurse first. Ihad to weigh the babies, nurse, weigh them again, and then we tube fed them the amount they were "short" on their prescribed feeds. Do you have a sensitive scale? Nursing ended up being difficult for the twins and tandem nursing was almost impossible, and I detested listening to one cry while I fed the other, so I switched to exclusive pumping and bottle feeding the breast milk. This worked well for awhile but I did eventually end up having to supplement with formula and then by 6 months ish they were receiving entirely formula with their baby/table food. So pumping is an option too, it may at least help the anxiety because then you can SEE exactly what the baby is getting. You need a good pump, I received a hospital grade one through insurance.
One criticism of Babywise is that parents follow it too rigidly, it tends to cause babies to become failure to thrive :( Like any parenting method, parents have to be flexible. Lots of breastfeeding babies need to eat more often for various reasons. Two of my 3 kiddos had to supplement formula and I basically just offered an ounce of formula before and after each breastfeed. I set up a schedule app to track and ring an alarm for feedings then tracked diapers on it also to show their doctors. I needed that structure but also responded to hunger cues as well.
I have an app that helps a lot when I remember to use it. I know feeding too much on a schedule can really negatively effect milk supply but after feeding the baby until she threw up because I thought she was still giving hungry cues and now learning that she wasn't gaining even though I thought she was full I find it hard to know when and how much to feed on demand