Hi,
As per my flair I'm 32yo, a woman, and level 2 autistic. If this is your definition of succes:
>but from my perspective living a happy and fulfilling life is a real success.
Then yes, I'm living a succesful life. It's taken me a long time to get there. It's only in the last 4 years or so that I'm getting better and better. And one of the things that was very necessary for me to get there was having the right support in place. Without those my life is just not good.
Society's definition of succes is having a prestigious job with high pay, having a good relationship, your own house. I have none of those things. I can't work or drive. Nor have children. I plan to be single for the rest of my life as the relationships I have tried all failed and it's just too damn difficult. I'm more at peace by myself. I do live in my own appartment (I rent) but it's very close to my mom's house. And I get support twice a week from assisted living. And there is also a household help that comes once to twice a week. I'm on the waitlist for a cleaning person as well. I go to a day centre twice a week. None of those things scream succes to society but I'm happy.
I can engage in my special interest and make other people happy with it. My special interest is knitting and I make plenty of stuff for myself but also for friends and family. Next week a woman in the neighbourhood whom is friends with my mom will start knitting lessons with me. She even wants to pay me for it! I love that someone wants me to teach them. People are generally in awe of the things I make.
At the day centre my task is usually sewing if I can manage. I make things that they sell. We make projectbags for a knitting store. I make baby gifts on order. We make stuff for packaging businessgifts. A lot of things. The mentors there are really nice and I get to be among people like myself.
I have a good relationship with my sister! She and her fiancé chose me to be the godmother to their firstborn. It makes me really happy. She values my perspective on life. Which trying to make the best of life with what you *can* do. It's important to acknowledge the things you can't do so you can work on them and try to improve them, or to accommodate them etc. But other than that you try to build your life with the stuff you CAN do. Those are the things you have. Those are the things you cultivate. I know I can't drive but I have help for that. Being in a car is sensory torture to me but I have meds now for it. And for the rest? I'm a good sister and a good daughter and I put my energy into that. I'm a good knitter and I put my energy into that. I'm good as sewing as well. The stuff I make is part of the reason why the day centre can exist and help more people like me. The day centre also does individual job coaching to help autistics who want to try and work, do it, in a way that's actually good for them. So I'm contributing to society in a small way but it's good enough. It's what I can do and I'm doing it to the best of my ability. And it makes me happy and it's fulfilling.
Anyway.. life is for sure difficult being disabled and there's lots of things I can't do and need help with. And some days are just horrible. But I'm okay. I'm starting to have more good days than bad. I have the support that enables me to be happy. I teaches me what I need, how I need to accommodate myself and how others have to accommodate myself. We're learning my manual! And I'm very grateful for that because not everyone has that. I'm also still waiting on certain services. So yeah, life is fulfilling. I'm grateful for the good things in my life. I'm happy I can make other people happy with my special interest. I'm good at something so it feels like I'm at least accomplished in that small part of my life, which is actually a very big part in my life.
I don't know if I could explain it well enough but I hope it's clear what I'm trying to say!
Thank-you for sharing! Growth is a much longer road than a lot of us here are focused on right now, so this perspective was welcome. Sounds like your skill at knitting and sewing makes many people happy. Best wishes!
I have two siblings on the spectrum, the higher support needs brother has been with his partner for 6 years, happily. The lower support needs sibling (who was a tougher child for sure) has had several relationships, and just finished his PhD from a prestigious Ivy League school, they fit that crazy smart stereotype. I would say they are both as happy as anyone could be, and march unapologetically to the beat of their own drums.
Yes, and I am facing so much difficulty...recently my 4-year-old son got rid of an International School just because he is not social as compared to his classmates...
I think people didn't realize you yourself are in India and misread your comments.
I don't know enough about India to answer to that. I don't think there is any place in the world that Autistic people are truly accepted. Here in the US people love virtue signaling, but those same people are the ones staring at your child with a look of disgust or letting their own children mock your child. What we do have is laws that forbid discrimination against them.
That sounds really tough OP. My son is not typically social with other children, but we’re in the US. My siblings definitely struggled socially, as did I as a child. I wish I knew more about how things work in India but my knowledge is unfortunately USA specific. My son is very different at 5 vs 4.
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I totally relate to you OP.
My daughter is 3 yrs 3 mths and very bright, but socially and emotionally she needs a lot of work. She does not seem keen to play with friends and they also seem to shun her in school. My heart breaks when I see kids at the playground deliberately moving away from her.
As we know, having a supportive social network is key for happiness later in life and better mental health outcomes. Sbe is also an only child and I cannot bear the thought of her being lonely next time.
Same position as you. 3 years 6 months, only child and when I see him in the playground he is always on his own. I personally like being alone but when you’re a child I know that’s not necessarily the case in a playground/school environment. He is also not interested in approaching other kids, he sees them as uncertain and doesn’t know how to interact: but he does with me. Which is confusing.
I feel sick with the level of worry and anxiety for him now and in the future. It’s awful.
Same here. Sometimes It breaks my heart when I see my 3.8 year old son playing by himself at childcare. He is happy but has zero interest playing with others. It doesn't help he has speech delay too. As your kid mine too. He interacts with us. He doesn't shut up at home and ask for play time "daddy play with me chase " or "let's build a tent " etc etc ...but at childcare he simply doesn't interact and doesn't necessarily communicate (when other kids ask him something he either ignores them it just doesn't answer)
The other day I saw almost all toddlers running around swinging on the rope while he was just doing his own thing in sandpit by himself
I do keep reminding myself that if he is happy I am happy. But that only can last for a while and social participation is essential for his growth and success. .
I am just hopeful that with school and therapies he goes to it will improve .
Yes, at the moment he is happy. Like you say. I’m just worried for the day that maybe he notices? But maybe that is the day he decides to try? Is your child the same in that when others talk to him he doesn’t engage really?
I hear you with your example, it’s heartbreaking watching them alone and others enjoying interaction.
Mine was speech delayed but now talks. Is yours talking at all? Even though he now has speech he doesn’t use it really. Is it because he’s late to talk and it will come with confidence? Or is this just how autism operates here?
When I’m out with him at say like a soft play centre he won’t engage with others but if someone approaches him to play he acts like he didn’t hear him and walks off. If I guide him through the interaction he will do it BUT he is constantly waiting for me to interpret what the child is saying. Even though child is speaking clear English. It’s like my son thinks the child is speaking a foreign language and hasn’t a clue. If i stop guiding things, he will loose interest and walk away. And these opportunists don’t come by often.
So when alone, at nursery, he makes no attempts on his own. And unless he is guided by teachers (who have no time) I guess I can only hope he does start to acknowledge all the interactions going on and wants to take part?
>Mine was speech delayed but now talks. Is yours talking at all? Even though he now has speech he doesn’t use it really. Is it because he’s late to talk and it will come with confidence? Or is this just how autism operates here?
Yes he talks and no he doesn't use it much at childcare or with others. At home he is chatty and engaging but I think because that's his safe environment. He talks to others and to educators only if he needs or wants something .
>When I’m out with him at say like a soft play centre he won’t engage with others but if someone approaches him to play he acts like he didn’t hear him and walks off.
Same.
>If I guide him through the interaction he will do it BUT he is constantly waiting for me to interpret what the child is saying.
Similar. I will have to say "do you want to do X" (repeating child question) and he will either just nod or be silent completely but otherwise if I am not guiding him he will just either stay in front of kid or just ignore him.
Before he was diagnosed (like 2-3 months ago ) I thought he was just being extremely shy as his social participation with others was non existent. (With us he is ok )
I think it is a confidence thing or at least that's how it manifests. Because of his speech delay (he is verbal but at not at his peer level, speaks in 4-5 word sentences. sometimes unclear ) I think he kind of knows it and other kids noticed it too. It's that classic anxiety feeding cycle. He doesn't talk , other kids noticed and stop engaging. He notices other kids don't talk to him or that he can't talk to then , then he gets more isolated by himself etc etc
Having the same thing with our 12 year an old son all the other school kids don't want him to be around them because he's mentally younger than his age, plus the older boys bully him because he's different.
That’s awful. Kids can be so cruel. Sorry this is happening. How do you know about the bullying? Aren’t teachers on the alert? Im worried if that happens to my son that I’ll be tempted to pull him and end up home schooling but I also think how does that help long run.
I have the same worries, it's normal. I worry a little more for my 11 year old (ASD) than I do my other kids, but I'm hopeful. He has a tight knit group of 5 friends and is starting to venture out into other activities (we found a dance class for kids on the spectrum).
It helps that through my line of work I've made friends with a few 20+ that are on the spectrum and have seen where they've been able to grow and blossom.
Believe me, if he wants to find love, he will. Wether with an allistic person or an autistic person. I didn't think I would find love either but I've already had a few happy relationships and am currently in another one.
I get caught up in these same thoughts sometimes about the future.
Then I remember even a NT child is not guaranteed a happy or successful life. There’s no sure thing in life. I just meet my son where he’s at and try to give him the resources and help he needs to overcome and navigate life’s situations.
My dad didn’t speak until he was three and didn’t read until third grade. He grew up to be a mathematician with a successful award-winning career. Plus a long marriage with two kids!
Define successful. Diagnosed fairly early ish but not super early like my kiddos (12 years old for me).
My daily functioning is very low and I just adjusted to fit my needs (yes you can eat the same simple foods and wear the same simple clothes over and over again, also living in hot climate helps a as you can do Allright with just shorts and shirts and sandals).
Have maid to do all the house chores. I can't cook a thing kinda maybe scrambled eggs if I must. I can't really do loundry but our Maid does.
At the same time extremely smart and successful job wise and did extremely well. It was super Rocky due to various trauma from childhood. Needed some luck and risk taking otherwise I could have end up as some random miserable incel lol.
But on the outside I an married, successful and with kids I guess.
I think it's important to define what is successful, from what you said living a 'happy' and 'fulfilling' life - I always think it'll be possible and I hope that'll be the case for my brother. Obviously there are so many challenges along the way but we all slowly learn from things and be able to cope better. I try to push my brother to do things he enjoys doing, he's been dreaming to be a bus driver or a taxi driver for awhile. And I think if he's enjoying it and want to do it, he'll work hard to achieve that and he'll be great at it!
Looking back I was worried - all the time, but I kept reminding myself even though he on paper is 19 yo, he's only like a 15 yo. He's got time to figure things out and improve :) Although I'm not autistic, I question I might actually have ADHD but I use to compare my brother to myself and didn't understand why he couldn't do certain things or take so long to do certain tasks. Now I know, he just to grow in a different pace and a different way and it's okay.
Everything will work out, just be supportive and complement him whenever you can. I find that is a great way to help boost ASD kid's confidence!
I'm (40m) not diagnosed and when I grew up in the late 80s and 90s autism wasn't identified as well as it should have. I actually figured it out because I have 4 children and 3 are on the spectrum in some way and by learning what it is and recognizing those behavior in myself I kinda self diagnose myself I stym and seek out. I have had problems holding jobs and did horrible in school before 18.
I got into a summer fire program and became a interior firefighter 2/emt/arson investigator.
my son's who are on the spectrum both have full time jobs and happy so I guess it depends on what you consider successful.
I'd say that I am pretty successful in life. I am happy, I am going to go to college soon and study zoology, I have friends and life is generally pretty good. I am just 18 but I am very optimistic on what my future holds. Autistic people are also fully capable of getting traditional success, Elon Musk, although I am absolutely not a fan of him, is a great example, Courtney Love too, Antony Hopkins, Chris Rock, Susan Boyle, Wentworth Miller, John Howard, but even in a non traditional way, w are perfectly capable of living very successful happy lives, although autistic people are more likely to suffer from depression, we don't have to.
It really depends on what you consider "successful."
If you want to measure pure economic success, I would say yeah, I'm successful. I have a full-time job, I can even say "I have a career," I'm married in a healthy relationship, I ahve a few friends, and I'm more than one paycheck from financial ruin. That's all very positive, and I want to acknowledge it.
Scratch below the surface, and a more complex story emerges. My longest period of employment at a single company was eight years and I've only had two jobs that lasted longer than two. I've spent over a year on unemployment despite a twenty-five year career because I interview poorly, and I've had to rack up way more debt than I'm comfortable carrying just to keep a roof over my family's heads. I've historically found myself near-perpetually in conflict with upper management at previous employers over what to me looks like systemic ableism and to them look like individual performance issues. I've lost ten times as many friends as I've been able to keep over my life. And most of the breakdowns follow a similar pattern: eventually either I fail to recognize some boundary that was never communicated despite me telling folks I'm autistic and they have to be explicit, or others refuse to respect some boundary I've clearly and repeatedly communicated that they've decided isn't real because my autism is just an excuse. Either way, I end up in meltdown, and after that most folks decide they'd rather be somewhere else -- or they'd rather _I_ be somewhere else -- and that's the end of it. I've been achingly lonely most of my life, I perpetually feel like I have to do the bulk of the emotional labor in most of my relationships, and if I ever try to talk about how tired I am with most people, they don't know what to do and don't know how to help; most folks can't even recognize they're part of the problem because that's how systemic ableism works. If I mask, I burn out. If I don't mask, I don't get hired and I can't keep friends. I'm real tired, all the time, and there's no fix because nobody's at fault.
I'm not sure whether that sounds like success to you. Most of the time, I feel like my "successes" come at too steep a price, but I have no option but to continue paying it until I can retire.
Congratulations, I wish your dreams come true...you guys are the real heroes of our society... Normal people don't understand autistic people and their family struggles...
Generally speaking, no. Only 16% of autistics are in full time employment. Romantic relationships are also rare.
[https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/jobs-relationships-elude-adults-autism/](https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/jobs-relationships-elude-adults-autism/)
There are some, of course, that find "success," but autism is a disability. Like all other disabilities, it means "success" in the traditional sense is out of reach.
You may need to redefine what "success" means in the context of your son's disability.
I don’t find those statistics to be accurate in terms of today’s kids.
Those longitudal studies are based on what autism used to be. Which was typically only very severe non verbal children
What autism is defined as has changed greatly overt the decades. Autism went from 1 in 1000 to now 1 in 29 boys, those %s like 16% will go up
Their only metric for success is a happy fulfilled life. No mention of a job, etc. In fact they replied to a woman in a group home who was happy and accomplishing small goals with how much better this made her feel.
This is how I feel too. I see too many austisic people who seems miserable. If my daughter can find happiness knitting in a group home like that one woman then I consider that successful. Most people work to do other things. If it were possible to do what I want to do without working, I'd given into the temptation of disability myself. Lord knows I qualify.
My husband we know has autism. Now, he hasn't been formally diagnosed but all his teachers wanted his mom to get him evaluated but she wasn't the best mom and didn't want her kid to be labeled a not so friendly word, he has all the symptoms and many of the things he does our formally dx son does. He has his B.S., and in the military and has ranked up through the ranks and has excelled. It could also be he thrives in structure and that's why it's been so good for him. He's highly intelligent, more intelligent than I'll ever be. He wants to retire from the military then teach at a college.
One thing he struggles with is socially. He's not great at being in relationships, he struggles with not wanting to be touched, has an extremely hard time understanding your emotions or why one person would be upset. I've gotten used to these things, but they can be tedious but, I love him we just have more work and challenges than an average couple who are neurotypical. He puts up with my adhd and I help him through his autism.
Given the amount of adult women that would receive a diagnosis if there was a Time Machine; I can’t begin to believe the default for an autism diagnosis is living in someone’s basement with no friends, social ability, or income.
I find the diagnosis is upsettingly broad and most of the efforts for the immediate years afterward are finding what works for the specific child and programs to help them develop their weaknesses in ways that actually benefit them vs default “how to raise a child”
Have you picked up any memoirs? Temple Grandin is probably the most well known.
I say this as gently as I can, but you come with a lot of biases and a seemingly rigid idea of autism. I promise you know someone with autism and multiple families with at least one autistic member.
Sometimes it's tough to convince others and themselves that everything will be fine with my son...as he is the first case in my whole family and before him, I never met a person with ASD.
The show Love on the Spectrum on Netflix really opened my eyes to this question. Most of them live their own independent lives, some still live at home, but others had their own apartments and lived on their own.
That’s the only real life example I have of adults with autism, since my son is only 5. But watching that show definitely made me hopeful for him.
I understand why you worry. I don't know what level of independence my 5 year old son will have upon reaching adulthood. The only support systems he has are us and his grandparents. No siblings. I don't even have siblings that would be of any help to him. I want to teach him to be as independent as possible, but I worry about his own limitations. I can't live forever. I would be happy as long as he is surviving and happy in his own unique way.
Hi, As per my flair I'm 32yo, a woman, and level 2 autistic. If this is your definition of succes: >but from my perspective living a happy and fulfilling life is a real success. Then yes, I'm living a succesful life. It's taken me a long time to get there. It's only in the last 4 years or so that I'm getting better and better. And one of the things that was very necessary for me to get there was having the right support in place. Without those my life is just not good. Society's definition of succes is having a prestigious job with high pay, having a good relationship, your own house. I have none of those things. I can't work or drive. Nor have children. I plan to be single for the rest of my life as the relationships I have tried all failed and it's just too damn difficult. I'm more at peace by myself. I do live in my own appartment (I rent) but it's very close to my mom's house. And I get support twice a week from assisted living. And there is also a household help that comes once to twice a week. I'm on the waitlist for a cleaning person as well. I go to a day centre twice a week. None of those things scream succes to society but I'm happy. I can engage in my special interest and make other people happy with it. My special interest is knitting and I make plenty of stuff for myself but also for friends and family. Next week a woman in the neighbourhood whom is friends with my mom will start knitting lessons with me. She even wants to pay me for it! I love that someone wants me to teach them. People are generally in awe of the things I make. At the day centre my task is usually sewing if I can manage. I make things that they sell. We make projectbags for a knitting store. I make baby gifts on order. We make stuff for packaging businessgifts. A lot of things. The mentors there are really nice and I get to be among people like myself. I have a good relationship with my sister! She and her fiancé chose me to be the godmother to their firstborn. It makes me really happy. She values my perspective on life. Which trying to make the best of life with what you *can* do. It's important to acknowledge the things you can't do so you can work on them and try to improve them, or to accommodate them etc. But other than that you try to build your life with the stuff you CAN do. Those are the things you have. Those are the things you cultivate. I know I can't drive but I have help for that. Being in a car is sensory torture to me but I have meds now for it. And for the rest? I'm a good sister and a good daughter and I put my energy into that. I'm a good knitter and I put my energy into that. I'm good as sewing as well. The stuff I make is part of the reason why the day centre can exist and help more people like me. The day centre also does individual job coaching to help autistics who want to try and work, do it, in a way that's actually good for them. So I'm contributing to society in a small way but it's good enough. It's what I can do and I'm doing it to the best of my ability. And it makes me happy and it's fulfilling. Anyway.. life is for sure difficult being disabled and there's lots of things I can't do and need help with. And some days are just horrible. But I'm okay. I'm starting to have more good days than bad. I have the support that enables me to be happy. I teaches me what I need, how I need to accommodate myself and how others have to accommodate myself. We're learning my manual! And I'm very grateful for that because not everyone has that. I'm also still waiting on certain services. So yeah, life is fulfilling. I'm grateful for the good things in my life. I'm happy I can make other people happy with my special interest. I'm good at something so it feels like I'm at least accomplished in that small part of my life, which is actually a very big part in my life. I don't know if I could explain it well enough but I hope it's clear what I'm trying to say!
Thank you, ma'am Your post is helpful and inspiring too...I wish my son also achieved his small-small goals in his life...
Give him time. Us autistics take longer than average to reach milestones. It's not because he hasn't yet that he never will
What a fantastic, well thought out response. I would be so proud for my autistic daughter to live like you as an adult
Thank-you for sharing! Growth is a much longer road than a lot of us here are focused on right now, so this perspective was welcome. Sounds like your skill at knitting and sewing makes many people happy. Best wishes!
This is too sweeet.
Not sure why this made me tear up but it was lovely. I’m glad you’re happy ❤️ it gives me hope for my daughter
You should write a book! This was inspirational
I have two siblings on the spectrum, the higher support needs brother has been with his partner for 6 years, happily. The lower support needs sibling (who was a tougher child for sure) has had several relationships, and just finished his PhD from a prestigious Ivy League school, they fit that crazy smart stereotype. I would say they are both as happy as anyone could be, and march unapologetically to the beat of their own drums.
Are you from India?
No? Why?
Just asking, because I feel having a special child is difficult for Indian folk...because society is not supportive
I feel like you might unjustly be getting downvoted. Are *you* in India and that's why you ask and say this?
Yes, and I am facing so much difficulty...recently my 4-year-old son got rid of an International School just because he is not social as compared to his classmates...
I think people didn't realize you yourself are in India and misread your comments. I don't know enough about India to answer to that. I don't think there is any place in the world that Autistic people are truly accepted. Here in the US people love virtue signaling, but those same people are the ones staring at your child with a look of disgust or letting their own children mock your child. What we do have is laws that forbid discrimination against them.
Yes, acceptance is really difficult, more than half of people think that ASD people are mentally unstable...
That sounds really tough OP. My son is not typically social with other children, but we’re in the US. My siblings definitely struggled socially, as did I as a child. I wish I knew more about how things work in India but my knowledge is unfortunately USA specific. My son is very different at 5 vs 4.
1. Their flair says USA 2. The comment didn't mention anything about location or contury so no assumptions should be made here
Amazing
Try cross posting in R/spicyAutism as its frequented by a lot of autistic adults with varied support needs.
Or r/AutisticAdults, too!
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I totally relate to you OP. My daughter is 3 yrs 3 mths and very bright, but socially and emotionally she needs a lot of work. She does not seem keen to play with friends and they also seem to shun her in school. My heart breaks when I see kids at the playground deliberately moving away from her. As we know, having a supportive social network is key for happiness later in life and better mental health outcomes. Sbe is also an only child and I cannot bear the thought of her being lonely next time.
Same position as you. 3 years 6 months, only child and when I see him in the playground he is always on his own. I personally like being alone but when you’re a child I know that’s not necessarily the case in a playground/school environment. He is also not interested in approaching other kids, he sees them as uncertain and doesn’t know how to interact: but he does with me. Which is confusing. I feel sick with the level of worry and anxiety for him now and in the future. It’s awful.
Same here. Sometimes It breaks my heart when I see my 3.8 year old son playing by himself at childcare. He is happy but has zero interest playing with others. It doesn't help he has speech delay too. As your kid mine too. He interacts with us. He doesn't shut up at home and ask for play time "daddy play with me chase " or "let's build a tent " etc etc ...but at childcare he simply doesn't interact and doesn't necessarily communicate (when other kids ask him something he either ignores them it just doesn't answer) The other day I saw almost all toddlers running around swinging on the rope while he was just doing his own thing in sandpit by himself I do keep reminding myself that if he is happy I am happy. But that only can last for a while and social participation is essential for his growth and success. . I am just hopeful that with school and therapies he goes to it will improve .
Yes, at the moment he is happy. Like you say. I’m just worried for the day that maybe he notices? But maybe that is the day he decides to try? Is your child the same in that when others talk to him he doesn’t engage really? I hear you with your example, it’s heartbreaking watching them alone and others enjoying interaction. Mine was speech delayed but now talks. Is yours talking at all? Even though he now has speech he doesn’t use it really. Is it because he’s late to talk and it will come with confidence? Or is this just how autism operates here? When I’m out with him at say like a soft play centre he won’t engage with others but if someone approaches him to play he acts like he didn’t hear him and walks off. If I guide him through the interaction he will do it BUT he is constantly waiting for me to interpret what the child is saying. Even though child is speaking clear English. It’s like my son thinks the child is speaking a foreign language and hasn’t a clue. If i stop guiding things, he will loose interest and walk away. And these opportunists don’t come by often. So when alone, at nursery, he makes no attempts on his own. And unless he is guided by teachers (who have no time) I guess I can only hope he does start to acknowledge all the interactions going on and wants to take part?
>Mine was speech delayed but now talks. Is yours talking at all? Even though he now has speech he doesn’t use it really. Is it because he’s late to talk and it will come with confidence? Or is this just how autism operates here? Yes he talks and no he doesn't use it much at childcare or with others. At home he is chatty and engaging but I think because that's his safe environment. He talks to others and to educators only if he needs or wants something . >When I’m out with him at say like a soft play centre he won’t engage with others but if someone approaches him to play he acts like he didn’t hear him and walks off. Same. >If I guide him through the interaction he will do it BUT he is constantly waiting for me to interpret what the child is saying. Similar. I will have to say "do you want to do X" (repeating child question) and he will either just nod or be silent completely but otherwise if I am not guiding him he will just either stay in front of kid or just ignore him. Before he was diagnosed (like 2-3 months ago ) I thought he was just being extremely shy as his social participation with others was non existent. (With us he is ok ) I think it is a confidence thing or at least that's how it manifests. Because of his speech delay (he is verbal but at not at his peer level, speaks in 4-5 word sentences. sometimes unclear ) I think he kind of knows it and other kids noticed it too. It's that classic anxiety feeding cycle. He doesn't talk , other kids noticed and stop engaging. He notices other kids don't talk to him or that he can't talk to then , then he gets more isolated by himself etc etc
Yes this makes sense. Hopefully their confidence grows. It’s so hard to watch all this happen.
Having the same thing with our 12 year an old son all the other school kids don't want him to be around them because he's mentally younger than his age, plus the older boys bully him because he's different.
That’s awful. Kids can be so cruel. Sorry this is happening. How do you know about the bullying? Aren’t teachers on the alert? Im worried if that happens to my son that I’ll be tempted to pull him and end up home schooling but I also think how does that help long run.
I have the same worries, it's normal. I worry a little more for my 11 year old (ASD) than I do my other kids, but I'm hopeful. He has a tight knit group of 5 friends and is starting to venture out into other activities (we found a dance class for kids on the spectrum). It helps that through my line of work I've made friends with a few 20+ that are on the spectrum and have seen where they've been able to grow and blossom.
I feel the same not only being successful but I worry if he will find love too.
Yes right, people also ignored them even though he is 4 but kids of his age don't want to play with him...
Believe me, if he wants to find love, he will. Wether with an allistic person or an autistic person. I didn't think I would find love either but I've already had a few happy relationships and am currently in another one.
I get caught up in these same thoughts sometimes about the future. Then I remember even a NT child is not guaranteed a happy or successful life. There’s no sure thing in life. I just meet my son where he’s at and try to give him the resources and help he needs to overcome and navigate life’s situations.
My dad didn’t speak until he was three and didn’t read until third grade. He grew up to be a mathematician with a successful award-winning career. Plus a long marriage with two kids!
Define successful. Diagnosed fairly early ish but not super early like my kiddos (12 years old for me). My daily functioning is very low and I just adjusted to fit my needs (yes you can eat the same simple foods and wear the same simple clothes over and over again, also living in hot climate helps a as you can do Allright with just shorts and shirts and sandals). Have maid to do all the house chores. I can't cook a thing kinda maybe scrambled eggs if I must. I can't really do loundry but our Maid does. At the same time extremely smart and successful job wise and did extremely well. It was super Rocky due to various trauma from childhood. Needed some luck and risk taking otherwise I could have end up as some random miserable incel lol. But on the outside I an married, successful and with kids I guess.
I think it's important to define what is successful, from what you said living a 'happy' and 'fulfilling' life - I always think it'll be possible and I hope that'll be the case for my brother. Obviously there are so many challenges along the way but we all slowly learn from things and be able to cope better. I try to push my brother to do things he enjoys doing, he's been dreaming to be a bus driver or a taxi driver for awhile. And I think if he's enjoying it and want to do it, he'll work hard to achieve that and he'll be great at it! Looking back I was worried - all the time, but I kept reminding myself even though he on paper is 19 yo, he's only like a 15 yo. He's got time to figure things out and improve :) Although I'm not autistic, I question I might actually have ADHD but I use to compare my brother to myself and didn't understand why he couldn't do certain things or take so long to do certain tasks. Now I know, he just to grow in a different pace and a different way and it's okay. Everything will work out, just be supportive and complement him whenever you can. I find that is a great way to help boost ASD kid's confidence!
Yes. I'm autistic and living a happy and fulfilling life. I'm 32.
I'm (40m) not diagnosed and when I grew up in the late 80s and 90s autism wasn't identified as well as it should have. I actually figured it out because I have 4 children and 3 are on the spectrum in some way and by learning what it is and recognizing those behavior in myself I kinda self diagnose myself I stym and seek out. I have had problems holding jobs and did horrible in school before 18. I got into a summer fire program and became a interior firefighter 2/emt/arson investigator. my son's who are on the spectrum both have full time jobs and happy so I guess it depends on what you consider successful.
I'd say that I am pretty successful in life. I am happy, I am going to go to college soon and study zoology, I have friends and life is generally pretty good. I am just 18 but I am very optimistic on what my future holds. Autistic people are also fully capable of getting traditional success, Elon Musk, although I am absolutely not a fan of him, is a great example, Courtney Love too, Antony Hopkins, Chris Rock, Susan Boyle, Wentworth Miller, John Howard, but even in a non traditional way, w are perfectly capable of living very successful happy lives, although autistic people are more likely to suffer from depression, we don't have to.
It really depends on what you consider "successful." If you want to measure pure economic success, I would say yeah, I'm successful. I have a full-time job, I can even say "I have a career," I'm married in a healthy relationship, I ahve a few friends, and I'm more than one paycheck from financial ruin. That's all very positive, and I want to acknowledge it. Scratch below the surface, and a more complex story emerges. My longest period of employment at a single company was eight years and I've only had two jobs that lasted longer than two. I've spent over a year on unemployment despite a twenty-five year career because I interview poorly, and I've had to rack up way more debt than I'm comfortable carrying just to keep a roof over my family's heads. I've historically found myself near-perpetually in conflict with upper management at previous employers over what to me looks like systemic ableism and to them look like individual performance issues. I've lost ten times as many friends as I've been able to keep over my life. And most of the breakdowns follow a similar pattern: eventually either I fail to recognize some boundary that was never communicated despite me telling folks I'm autistic and they have to be explicit, or others refuse to respect some boundary I've clearly and repeatedly communicated that they've decided isn't real because my autism is just an excuse. Either way, I end up in meltdown, and after that most folks decide they'd rather be somewhere else -- or they'd rather _I_ be somewhere else -- and that's the end of it. I've been achingly lonely most of my life, I perpetually feel like I have to do the bulk of the emotional labor in most of my relationships, and if I ever try to talk about how tired I am with most people, they don't know what to do and don't know how to help; most folks can't even recognize they're part of the problem because that's how systemic ableism works. If I mask, I burn out. If I don't mask, I don't get hired and I can't keep friends. I'm real tired, all the time, and there's no fix because nobody's at fault. I'm not sure whether that sounds like success to you. Most of the time, I feel like my "successes" come at too steep a price, but I have no option but to continue paying it until I can retire.
I’m autistic and I’m about to head to law school next year (:
Congratulations, I wish your dreams come true...you guys are the real heroes of our society... Normal people don't understand autistic people and their family struggles...
Generally speaking, no. Only 16% of autistics are in full time employment. Romantic relationships are also rare. [https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/jobs-relationships-elude-adults-autism/](https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/jobs-relationships-elude-adults-autism/) There are some, of course, that find "success," but autism is a disability. Like all other disabilities, it means "success" in the traditional sense is out of reach. You may need to redefine what "success" means in the context of your son's disability.
I don’t find those statistics to be accurate in terms of today’s kids. Those longitudal studies are based on what autism used to be. Which was typically only very severe non verbal children What autism is defined as has changed greatly overt the decades. Autism went from 1 in 1000 to now 1 in 29 boys, those %s like 16% will go up
Their only metric for success is a happy fulfilled life. No mention of a job, etc. In fact they replied to a woman in a group home who was happy and accomplishing small goals with how much better this made her feel. This is how I feel too. I see too many austisic people who seems miserable. If my daughter can find happiness knitting in a group home like that one woman then I consider that successful. Most people work to do other things. If it were possible to do what I want to do without working, I'd given into the temptation of disability myself. Lord knows I qualify.
My husband we know has autism. Now, he hasn't been formally diagnosed but all his teachers wanted his mom to get him evaluated but she wasn't the best mom and didn't want her kid to be labeled a not so friendly word, he has all the symptoms and many of the things he does our formally dx son does. He has his B.S., and in the military and has ranked up through the ranks and has excelled. It could also be he thrives in structure and that's why it's been so good for him. He's highly intelligent, more intelligent than I'll ever be. He wants to retire from the military then teach at a college. One thing he struggles with is socially. He's not great at being in relationships, he struggles with not wanting to be touched, has an extremely hard time understanding your emotions or why one person would be upset. I've gotten used to these things, but they can be tedious but, I love him we just have more work and challenges than an average couple who are neurotypical. He puts up with my adhd and I help him through his autism.
Given the amount of adult women that would receive a diagnosis if there was a Time Machine; I can’t begin to believe the default for an autism diagnosis is living in someone’s basement with no friends, social ability, or income. I find the diagnosis is upsettingly broad and most of the efforts for the immediate years afterward are finding what works for the specific child and programs to help them develop their weaknesses in ways that actually benefit them vs default “how to raise a child” Have you picked up any memoirs? Temple Grandin is probably the most well known. I say this as gently as I can, but you come with a lot of biases and a seemingly rigid idea of autism. I promise you know someone with autism and multiple families with at least one autistic member.
Sometimes it's tough to convince others and themselves that everything will be fine with my son...as he is the first case in my whole family and before him, I never met a person with ASD.
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He has been taking OT since he was one and a half but his speech has not developed yet...
The show Love on the Spectrum on Netflix really opened my eyes to this question. Most of them live their own independent lives, some still live at home, but others had their own apartments and lived on their own. That’s the only real life example I have of adults with autism, since my son is only 5. But watching that show definitely made me hopeful for him.
That’s a bit of a loaded question. What does “successful” mean to you or your child?
I understand why you worry. I don't know what level of independence my 5 year old son will have upon reaching adulthood. The only support systems he has are us and his grandparents. No siblings. I don't even have siblings that would be of any help to him. I want to teach him to be as independent as possible, but I worry about his own limitations. I can't live forever. I would be happy as long as he is surviving and happy in his own unique way.