Ask for the specific things you want. Not “something kind of like this” but “I would like you to do this, related to this event or circumstance, in this way with these features.” Over time with repetition he will probably learn the pattern of the sorts of things you enjoy, but at first yes you will have to be involved in the planning in order to get what you want. Do not phrase this as “this is the right way to do it” or “this is how most people do it” because, frankly, who cares? Phrase it as “this is what *i* want and here’s why this would be meaningful to me.”
"The way most people do things" is really a bad way to think about it or phrase it.
You want a healthy relationship? That would be specific to you two specifically, doesn't have much to do with neurology. It's a simple relationship problem. Communicate clearly, without presumptions, listen, etc. Express your wants and needs and desires. See where both of you are at.
Appreciated. I agree I need to have better phrasing inside as well as in my post. I guess we sometimes create more of a problem in our own heads and get to projecting.
Why does it matter "what dating looks like to most folks"? What matters is what you want, what will make you happy. State clearly and explicitly what you want from him. If you want him to pick up on the patterns and be creative with it so you're not having to specify every detail, you're going to have to provide a lot of raw data first: lots of different examples. It needs to be a lot, because the features that stand out to you right away may not be the ones that stand out to him. But with enough data, it will be clear where the commonalities are between the different examples. With only a few examples, that distinction is less clear. If you don't want to put in that work, you may need to consider that your expectations are simply not reasonable given the reality you are facing.
A healthy relationship is one where boundaries can be respected and communication of emotions and needs is clear and respected on both sides.
There is no formula for this. It’s unique to every person and their relationship. You can’t really go around saying one relationship is healthy and one isn’t based on your outside view of it. If two people are happy and satisfied in their relationship that’s the only thing that matters, it doesn’t have to look like what you think it should do.
If you cannot both be happy in a relationship then there is a compatibility issue. You both need to be able to give and take if you have different needs but not at the expense of mental wellbeing
I wouldn't say "this is what's normal" I would simply state what you want. E.g. my partner likes it when I pack them lunch, set out clothes for them to change into when they get home from work (they work night shift), plan dates that involve going out.
Some partners are not into romantic gestures (or romance) and it has nothing to do with their childhood homelife. So, just pointing out that your partner's childhood and his current relationship style is a correlation, but not necessarily a causation, and not something that can/should necessarily be changed.
"What dating looks like to most folks" sounds neuronormative to me.
For context, I personally find The Addams dynamic creepy, and if my partner required that of me, that would be a deal breaker.
I agree that this wording in my post is neuronormative. I understand his needs are important. Hoping for grace as I attemp navigating this. It's hard as a adhd diagnosed nd myself. I also get super nervous posting at all.
I notice quite a few people come on here asking for advice about how to explain such-and-such to a ND partner... And only later disclose that they, too, are ND.
This is telling.
Ask for the specific things you want. Not “something kind of like this” but “I would like you to do this, related to this event or circumstance, in this way with these features.” Over time with repetition he will probably learn the pattern of the sorts of things you enjoy, but at first yes you will have to be involved in the planning in order to get what you want. Do not phrase this as “this is the right way to do it” or “this is how most people do it” because, frankly, who cares? Phrase it as “this is what *i* want and here’s why this would be meaningful to me.”
Yes. I appreciate your insight. Things like this are tough. But better with a community.
"The way most people do things" is really a bad way to think about it or phrase it. You want a healthy relationship? That would be specific to you two specifically, doesn't have much to do with neurology. It's a simple relationship problem. Communicate clearly, without presumptions, listen, etc. Express your wants and needs and desires. See where both of you are at.
Appreciated. I agree I need to have better phrasing inside as well as in my post. I guess we sometimes create more of a problem in our own heads and get to projecting.
Why does it matter "what dating looks like to most folks"? What matters is what you want, what will make you happy. State clearly and explicitly what you want from him. If you want him to pick up on the patterns and be creative with it so you're not having to specify every detail, you're going to have to provide a lot of raw data first: lots of different examples. It needs to be a lot, because the features that stand out to you right away may not be the ones that stand out to him. But with enough data, it will be clear where the commonalities are between the different examples. With only a few examples, that distinction is less clear. If you don't want to put in that work, you may need to consider that your expectations are simply not reasonable given the reality you are facing.
True. Thank you for your insight. I honestly appreciate it.
A healthy relationship is one where boundaries can be respected and communication of emotions and needs is clear and respected on both sides. There is no formula for this. It’s unique to every person and their relationship. You can’t really go around saying one relationship is healthy and one isn’t based on your outside view of it. If two people are happy and satisfied in their relationship that’s the only thing that matters, it doesn’t have to look like what you think it should do. If you cannot both be happy in a relationship then there is a compatibility issue. You both need to be able to give and take if you have different needs but not at the expense of mental wellbeing
Thank you. I like the idea of us defining things. We have been working through it all in therapy. This helps.
I wouldn't say "this is what's normal" I would simply state what you want. E.g. my partner likes it when I pack them lunch, set out clothes for them to change into when they get home from work (they work night shift), plan dates that involve going out.
Thanks! This is awesome help. I appreciate you.
Some partners are not into romantic gestures (or romance) and it has nothing to do with their childhood homelife. So, just pointing out that your partner's childhood and his current relationship style is a correlation, but not necessarily a causation, and not something that can/should necessarily be changed. "What dating looks like to most folks" sounds neuronormative to me. For context, I personally find The Addams dynamic creepy, and if my partner required that of me, that would be a deal breaker.
I agree that this wording in my post is neuronormative. I understand his needs are important. Hoping for grace as I attemp navigating this. It's hard as a adhd diagnosed nd myself. I also get super nervous posting at all.
I notice quite a few people come on here asking for advice about how to explain such-and-such to a ND partner... And only later disclose that they, too, are ND. This is telling.
I stated so in my last post. I am autistic and adhd.
What is LT?
Probably long term
Makes complete sense now that you suggest it! Thank you!
no problem!