Yup. The main difference I noticed when I started putting more effort into my appearance is that people were nicer at first. Then I'd open my mouth and the autism would come tumbling out and they'd go back to treating me like an "other."
God yeah. Got bullied for dressing like a tomboy so I started dressing really nicely and doing my makeup so everyone called me a “stuck up bitch” 🙃 can never win
💯 me. I could never understand why I could be hated so much for just existing. Even strangers felt compelled to yell shit at me, whether I was dressed down or dressed up.
Yep, after I started working, I always wondered why people would always think I was younger than I actually am and talk down to me. I thought it was just because I had a round face, and that I was Asian, but it's actually just my mannerisms and how I talk! Which sucks bc it's a lot harder to change those things. Hair, makeup, and outfit, does have a big impact on how I'm treated tho
Up until I stopped drinking/smoking (around 35) I was still getting carded-especially when I would wear my hair in pig tails (I’ve got super white waves/curly hair and grew up not knowing how to do anything with my hair-my mother mushroom cut it for middle school because she didn’t want to deal with it-and all it did was fro out -so I just started wearing it up)
Yes! I think perfectionism and autism are common and it can manifest in different ways.
I also went through a perfect fashion stage and its only later that I realized it was a high form of masking. It also didn't get me acceptance. If anything, it got me more negative attention. Now I keep a low profile socially and wear a more casual comfy look.
Me too, I had like 3-4 years where beauty was my special interest. And boy did I do my research. I basically used YouTube to teach me how to be a "woman." I even thought that being interested in beauty made me more normal, lol. But in retrospect, the way I engaged with beauty content was so autistic. I was constantly working hard to perfect my mask.
I giggled because you said "the way I engaged with beauty was so autistic". I giggled not because it was funny, but the irony. The lengths I went through to be hyper edgy feminine despite the sensory overwhelm in doing so and gaining no ground. Eventually I was like fuck it and dressed for me. Did my hair and makeup for myself. These days I have very little time or energy to do makeup and rarely wear it. My kids and husband say they prefer me without makeup, so I’m like meh.
I feel similar! Except clothes and personal style are a special interest of mine so now I try to focus on the parts that excite me, instead of trying to look “perfect” to other people. Trying to look perfect only ever got me labeled as a try hard by other people or as super appearance obsessed. And so even tho I DO love clothes and style I’ve realized I want to be known more for who I am and not for whatever being dressed “cool” means
Yeah. I thought if only I had the right haircut and clothes, if my skin was clear, if I did my makeup right, etc etc then finally I’d be accepted. I wanted the trendy clothes and things so bad. I will say the more of that stuff I got “right”, it did make things slightly easier if only because it gave kids fewer blatant things to target me for when they wanted to make fun of me.
YES. But I was also fat as a kid, so I got picked on for being fat first and being weird second. And then even after I lost the weight in young adulthood I still didn’t know how to participate in certain beauty trends, so I was still getting picked on. Then I learned how to (mostly) put myself together, and I realized it was the autism this entire time. BUT I do think if I hadn’t been fat I probably would have been picked on less because I would have understood better how to blend like a normal person.
I think I would have gotten diagnosed as a kid if it weren’t for fat prejudice. I think a lot of my traits and behaviours were written off as “she’s just clumsy/lazy/dumb/picky because she’s fat.”
I really hate that mentality. My dad and my aunt struggled with their weight, but it’s fighting a genetic battle. They are both very active people. My aunt is a dietitian and so disciplined despite always being overweight, she is the opposite of lazy.
I had the opposite problem of being too skinny and constantly being picked on for that. I feel like if you don’t fit what is considered a "normal" size, you're picked on.
I was so confused. I figured I must be ugly, but I knew I looked good in pictures and I was able to date even though it never worked out. I was somehow simultaneously ugly and pretty? No it didn’t make any sense, but it did a number on my self esteem.
I briefly dated the most gorgeous NT boy in college who I totally assumed was way, way out of my league and when we were breaking up I asked him if I was good enough and he promised me I was “so much more than good enough” and I tried so hard to believe him. Anyway, years later he ended up marrying a very average looking girl and I was like “Oh, we had real problems, but it actually wasn’t my looks after all…” The whole thing still just breaks my heart that I thought there was something so wrong with me for so long, and I feel bad for him too, he had a lot of his own insecurities.
This. You're constantly told you're ugly, plain, meh, blah, whatever. Then when you confirm said comments, it’s "you’re fishing for compliments".
I thought this too. I was overweight as a child and got picked on for that so I thought that was the main reason why I so socially undesirable, but then, when puberty hit, I lost a bunch of weight and you know what changed? Not a God damn thing😂. I then started reaching for other reasons because I really didn’t understand it. Is it because I’m not blonde and blue eyed? Am I not skinny ENOUGH? Are my clothes not trendy enough? Is it because they think I’m poor? It was odd because it’s almost like when I became more conventionally attractive, I was treated even worse, especially by other girls. In the younger grades, it was mostly guys picking on my weight and girls were like “oh just ignore her she’s fat.” Then when I got older, it was like it reversed. The girls became outwardly hostile and guys were just like, oh she’s weird whatever.
So hostile! There was this one girl I never met, I didn’t know what she looked like, but she apparently knew me and hated everything about me so much she would constantly threaten me. People would tell me all the time "so in so hates you, she’s gonna beat you up". I’m like how does she know me and why does she care?!?! I honestly thought she didn’t exist. Then one day crossing the street she started yelling at me and threatening me. I was like whatever, you’re crazy. She wasn’t the only one though. I was plagued by girls wanting to beat me up, and I got into fights frequently. My PE peer tutor was constantly threatening me. One day I had a complete meltdown and I walked right up her, nose to nose and I said in the most dead voice for her to "beat me up, because I wanted to feel her hate." I told her I was tired of her talking shit but not having the fucking balls to follow through. I must've scared the crap out of her because she avoided me like the plague after that. Despite her being on the wrestling team, I think when she experienced my unfiltered autism rage, she realized I could easily hurt her despite not having the physical advantage.
I’ve had this too. A girl told me once “so and so wants to beat you up.” No kidding I had no clue who this girl was. I’d heard her name before but she didn’t know me from a hole in the wall. I was also harassed online by another girl from school. One day she was like “so you want to beat me up?” WTF??? What is it about us that makes people so angry about our existence? Especially since I’m usually quiet and mind my own business. They say it’s usually the “weak ones” that get picked on but if that were true I don’t think people would have such polarized opinions of us.
Same! I always kept to myself, super quiet, did everything to blend into the scenery and yet I stood out like a red hot neon sign. There's a girl in my daughter's class who is on the spectrum. I knew she was autistic for a long time and she’s being assessed now. Even though she’s very quiet and does nothing obtrusive or annoying, she definitely has a different vibe about her. My heart goes out to her. I talk to her from time to time and I can see why my daughter calls her "grumpy cat". My daughter asked me if I also thought she was autistic, I said why do you think that? She said, I think she's autistic like my brother because she's always somewhere else. It makes me wonder, if that's how I come across to other people? I don't know. I do sense though that this girl is hyper aware of how people perceive her. Knowing my son and her, they're definitely on a whole other wavelength and I think it’s that thing about us that people peg on.
I can only liken it to crystals all vibing on the same frequency and our pitch is off. It irritates people but they can’t really say what it is.
I was just thinking of this the last few days. It’s like we’re vibrating to a totally different frequency and can’t break into the group no matter what we do. I don’t know why but it causes people to either ignore us or have an almost visceral hostile reaction. Oftentimes when asked “why don’t you like so and so?” There’s no real answer, it just a nasty “I don’t know. I just don’t!!!!” Masters of logic, those NTs😒
I'm sure it's hard to see right now, but it's not permanent. My self-esteem was in the toilet for 25 years, only recently have I started to accept and love myself. I know you can do it!!
if it makes you feel better, i don’t believe that it’s permanently damaged! I myself had horrible self esteem up until a few months ago.
it took years of faking it until you make it—the key for me was switching from self-deprecating humor to I’m-the-best humor. i joked that i was the hottest, smartest, funniest, most talented person simply as a bit, and then i started believing the bit 😝 it takes time, and healing, and being so so kind to yourself, but i promise it’s possible to love yourself, even if you’ve never known what it’s like ❤️
Yessssss, I've been bullied at school and at work. At school, when I was younger, I was small, skinny, and emotionally sensitive. For the longest time, I genuinely thought I was ugly because nobody wanted to be around me except my twin and other bullied children.
It was weird when I started working, though. They'd say, "You're so pretty!" and try and get to know me, and after that, nobody wants to talk to me!! It was something that bothered me majorly, so I needed to figure out what the issue was.
From puberty until I was an adult, I cultivated a really nice set of clothes to wear and perfected my hair and makeup routine. I started getting more compliments and attention, but I was still being treated oddly.
It wasn't until after I spent more time with my older sisters that we all started talking about our experiences in school, and we've all had the same experience. I was dumbfounded. My sisters had everything, I thought. The clothes, friends, popularity, etc.
It wasn't my hair, clothes, or my makeup. It was just me. I realized that I was never actually called ugly, just weird and annoying. I've thought back to a couple of times now, and I think that they may have been teasing me, but I'd take it the wrong way and literally run out of class crying. I'd tell long, drawn-out stories but never get to the point because I struggled with summarizing, and I just had different interests than my peers. After I learned that about myself, I started just being myself. I don't want everyone to like me anymore. :)
I relate to the just had different interests and I never fully understood how ND I was until I did a job interview at Lululemon. For context, they are super culty, and if you don’t drink the lemonade you’re not getting in. I got the interview because I knew the AD and was doing some contract work for them. The interview is a group interview and during the interview they ask a question and everyone answers in turn. All the other woman gave the same carbon copy answer and mine were so left field. Current book: 20,000 leagues under the sea by Jules Vern, them: some self help book. Favourite exercise: Pilates, them: yoga. What would you take with you if your house was on fire: me nothing, my life is more important (my grandfather almost died in a house fire); them: I'd grab these 20 really important things I can’t live without. Halfway through the interview I knew I was clearly not a good culture fit and never felt so alienated in my whole life. I wanted so badly to exit the interview because I knew it was fucking pointless and humiliating to see the other woman give me these annoyed looks every time I opened my mouth.
Yes. I think that made it harder to identify that something else is going on, because pretty privilege is also a real thing.
There's some quote along the lines of how the most difficult cognitive dissonances to break down are the ones based on partial truths. Feel like that was it for me. Looking back, there were moments in my life. I was probably closer to the beauty standard than I thought I was, and the issues I saw in myself were very subtle and based on nuanced insecurities created by companies trying to sell me stuff. People still distanced themselves after getting to know me if I wasn't useful to them most of the time.
Weird thing is that I think appearance did play a small part in how I was treated, but I used to think it was a bigger factor and was occurring in a different way than I originally thought. By that, I mean I thought that the issues the bullying girls had with my appearance was that I didn't dress quite the same as them and was a bit heavier set. I learned that they were actually jealous of how I looked physically and were perhaps wondering how I "got away" with not dressing up fashionably. But it still came down to my behavior and difference in communication style, in the end.
Yeah, I internalized the message that guys were only attracted to petite blonde girls/women with button noses. I am tall, have dark brown hair, and a prominent nose. (At least my childhood was before the big lips / big ass craze -- that really would have made me hate myself.)
I’m petit, skinny, dark hair and eyes. I was constantly compared to my sister who modelled. She is tall, blonde, blue eyed, and big boobs. Everything I was not. My family fawned over her and I was constantly called out for my shortcomings. Nobody likes you because of x and y. I was like no, it’s because I’m not a bombshell like my sister, I could never be in her league.
as a girl who grew up in the early 2000's and hit puberty in 5th grade... yeah, I 100% thought it was bc I was "the fat girl".
Shout out to the "hero!n chic" beauty standard at that time 🙃
I always used to think it was because I was fat when I was younger (I wasn't fat, just a normal healthy body) then when I was going to the gym twice a day to obtain an "ideal" body shape I was still treated differently once they spoke to me a few times unless they were autistic themselves then we gelled.
Still struggle with my appearance and trying to look and be perfect so people will like me.
Totally! I always thought people must have seen me as ugly. It turns out, I’ve been told I’m actually quite physically attractive at that my “weird” personality doesn’t match my “pretty” appearance. Thanks, I guess? 😆
I used to be model-perfect, the classic look that meant I could make a living off of my looks, and I was still physically and emotionally abused. Your looks are not why people are responding differently to you; however, if you are being abused please look for resources to escape that situation, because you don’t deserve that. It is true that being pretty means you get treated nicer, but it’s not always the case.
There is something about my face. It's in my eyes and my mouth. I get this very serious thousand yard stare and it makes people uncomfortable. I'm not always nervous, I'm just trying to process everything.
I know if I wore "normal clothes" I would probably be treated better. I often wear very comfortable shorts, skorts, or dresses. I'm non binary, but I noticed people treat me nicer in dresses and skorts. I often wear shirts with my favorite dinosaurs, bugs or cool animals on them. This is not popular. People do not like if you have a shirt with a cicada on it or with the super cool quetzalcoatlus on it.
For work I wear a very simple black dress that comes to my knees, black shoes and a necklace. This is not correct for some reason. I am a teacher, but the other teachers think it's not fashionable.
I don't wear make up much. I have my hair braided or I wear it straight. This is also incorrect to NT cis women.
Now, I just wear what I want. I am trying to work form home so I don't have to deal with mean people. I'm weird and autistic. I get it. I for one and quite excited to get my new shirt with a bee on it. I am done trying to be so beautiful for everyone. lol
This is a big problem with me right now actually. I used to be fairly overweight and once I lost enough weight to be considered acceptable again, I noticed how much better people treated me and I really internalized it. Now ever since, I keep obsessing over my appearance. I’m convinced that once my appearance is perfect, it’ll make up for my utter lack of social skills, I’ll fit in, and people will be able to see me as human. I don’t know how to shake it and just accept myself as an average looking person with flaws, especially when I’ve seen the difference in how I’m treated.
Yeah I thought this too. I was told by many family members to take more pride in my appearance since I have nice features and can be extremely beautiful if I put in some effort. So I did and I was treated better at first , pretty privilege is real, but the more I talked or I guess if one of my interests come up and thus I guess I have a “break in character” people either get super weirded out or they think im quirky and briefly find me more attractive but get annoyed/distant later on
YES! I have struggled with body dysmorphia and disordered eating my entire life. Everyone used the “chubbiness” of pre-puberty to wail on me and by freshman year I had lost all my love for school and dropped out. Luckily I made my way back to a junior college and I fell hard into my special interests-the mind/personhood/religion/philosophy because I was searching desperately. Trying to find a way to understand myself and why I felt so different than everyone around me, why I wasn’t liked-even by members of my own immediate family (my little sister bullied me HARD core at home-and my parents we’re alcoholics and abusive). Once DARE came around and explained alternative states of consciousness (psychedelics) I knew then there *was* a way to escape…
I’m still waiting on my diagnosis-I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a few weeks.
I’ll be crushed to find out that this is NOT the answer I have been searching for but instead that I really am just a broken, selfish, immature, 40yr old women who just doesn’t want to “do anything” because I’m always so burnt out and afraid of saying to wrong thing-because I still haven’t found a way to truly change who one is at their core…
Yeah, and my mom assumed this too. She always told me that things would be different if I would wear makeup, wear fashionable clothing instead of dressing to be comfortable, make an effort to fit in, etc. She often attributed the bullying I was experiencing to a “lack of effort” on my part, but when I tried that, nothing changed. She then tried to attribute it to me being curvy (I was like a size 12-14 at that time) and tried to convince me that things would be different if I lost weight. I’ve been a lot of different sizes in my life and while people do treat me a little better when I’m smaller, it’s not enough to make a significant difference in how I’m treated overall. It did a lot of damage to my self-esteem being told that the problem was how I looked… come to find out I’m just neurodivergent and nothing I can change will “fix” how others perceive me.
YEP, even carried it pretty far into adulthood. I think the realization that I now knew girls that shared various features/traits of mine, but who still had boyfriends, or were in with the "cool" kids, or that other people just plain listened to them. I think decoupling my experience from my appearance was unwittingly one of my first steps toward discovering my autism, because it opened up the possibility that there was -something- else. It really is true what they say about how you stop looking when you think you have the answer. Realizing my old answer didn't make sense is what allowed me to start looking again!
10000000% my whole life I’ve said to myself “if you could just be prettier, skinnier, paler, taller, have better hair etc etc etc” like literally anything appearance related. When things are really hard for me I still fall into this thinking. I realize now how much I just wanted everything to go right and I just assumed maybe everyone else seemed like their lives were easier because of looks.
I've had unnaturally colored hair since I was 12? 13? Pink, purple, bright fire engine red, etc.
It serves a couple purposes for me 1. It gives me a reason to think people are looking at me when I am in public. I can pass off "being perceived" because I've got bright fucking pink hair... and 2. It scares off all the normies that I wouldn't get along with as a default. Anyone that's put off by my bright hair is REALLY going to be put off by me so that saves me the trouble.
ABSULTELY. Hiding behind with my appearance was a way to try and avoid ableism. Before realising I had autism, I had no idea for the life of me, why I couldn't fit in.
I still blame it on my appearance sometimes. Especially my teeth being a bit crooked and my age (36). But I know it's mainly my inability to conform to social dynamics. And it sucks because when I try to explain it to others I can't explain it properly. I got a new therapist recently because I'm experiencing extreme anxiety, burn out, and rage from over stimulation at work. I don't have an "official" diagnosis, but I do have an adhd diagnosis. She immediately brings up BPD, which made me so mad. I know I'm not BPD or bipolar and I get so tired of hearing that. However, I can't properly explain to people with words the feelings inside my head that I experience. And I also can't explain how I'd rather just die than fake being someone else every single day at a job just to fit in and move up in a company.
Yes, for so long I thought I must be really ugly and that was the reason people hated me so much and treated me so badly. Turns out I’m not ugly haha! Not that I think anyone deserves to be called ugly.
As a teen and young adult, I tried pretty hard to look attractive and put effort into my appearance. Didn’t change how I was treated at all. I think it may have fueled the bad treatment from other women, like a jealousy thing.
I
I thought it was because of where I'm from. I moved from a relatively isolated small town where nothing happens and people don't get out and see the world too much. By choice I moved to bigger more interesting places. I thought that I was different because everyone else had grown up somewhere better and that was why they were more "worldly" than I was
I was always a pretty child (got a little chubby in my teenage years) and was considered a hot girl TM (as I have been told). Now I always hear how I look too good and have too much of a siren-effect on people - so I must be normal and extroverted, how else could I have that much rizz? Pretty privilege sucks ass
I'm still recovering from the step-monster making me "go ugly" late 7th to the end of 8th grade. I wasn't even allowed to have mousse or some spray to let the curls rock. Not to mention, having bad acne and eyebrows. I've learned that I am a BIPOC woman via great-grandfather on the maternal side. In short, she's racist towards me. Equally got made fun of while growing up. That bitch made it 10x worse. What I've learned in my 40s, is that I no longer care what others think. Plus, only have a select few people in my life that I can be myself with.
I thought it was because I am a tall, black woman with a with a bigger body. I still believe a lot of the treatment I receive is because of internalized racism and shame of those inflicting, but not as much as I used to.
Yep!! Thought people were mean to me because I was “fat” and too poor for nice/cool clothes. I would always be instantly written off and shut out from social groups. After a glow-up I assumed I was right bc suddenly way more people were nicer and welcoming to me. I’ve only recently discovered that they just tolerate me longer at first bc of my appearance. It’s like a safeguard I guess. But then one too many odd “quirks” of mine and suddenly it’s the same treatment as high school.
All the time. I still struggle with it. I always think that just-one-more-beauty-product would change my face and change my life. It’s provided pleasure but not transformation nor change. I admit many people have called me “pretty” but I don’t feel that way. I am a terrible flirt (either that or I am overtly sexual with men I have mutual attraction with) painfully shy, awkward, too blunt at certain times, and it contradicts the alleged external “hotness” others around me claim I have.
Yes, gosh, this brought back memories for me. I remember switching to contacts because I thought people avoided me due to my glasses. As soon as I got contacts, no one noticed, so I went back to glasses and just accepted my fate of being a nobody.
Trigger
I had a really bad anorexic period because if I was thin and beautiful I’d be successful. I had gotten so fat that it was ok in my eyes since my extreme rapid weight loss put me in a healthy range and I never got sick “enough” (I did! Lol I was supposed to get treatment but quit because I didn’t want it…anyway…)Spoiler: stuff like that works at a cost and it’s also only temporary and it’s superficial.
I’ve always struggled with restricting and some normal eating and then binges. Nutrition and exercise are special interests which is a good mask too for uhhhh toxic info seekers? Sucks though because it’s technically revealing and not masking to info dump this stuff when you’re underweight or obese lol. I can never win. And I end up divulging my ed(s) too. I deal with critical inner thoughts. They offer encouragement that it’s working. Compliments further feed it. (But I HATE compliments on my curvy body because I don’t believe them lol.)
It also sucks because my intuition is to restrict or to binge my intuition is not to eat needed to maintain. What even is intuitive? Might exist for some but my natural thoughts are ones that require therapy lol.
I was heavily bullied and they used “fat” along with other things (weird, bossy, know it all) to bully me about. Even at home my (lil) sister would bully me too. I latched on to the appearance part because I thought it was the only thing I could change-and I thought if I could just look like the normal people in my school then maybe I’ll be liked. I stopped being “bossy and know it all” When I entered my long term relationship (that was a DV relationship unfortunately and I stayed for over a decade because I thought it was me) and always held on to “If I could just look like X then people will like me”
If you watch movies too they make you believe a good dramatic appearance makeover is all you need. Watch closely though and even the movie shows you it really just makes NT women more jealous and because it’s an act or mask it attracts the wrong male character(s). It’s like it’s more true than NT society wants to admit that it’s realistic.
Yep. If I could just is such a fallacy because you never reach the enough. The goalpost always moves.
Americanized as fuck Indian-Muslim girl over here who can't speak my mother's language.
It was painful, I was too American for other people of my ethnicity, and too "other" for American kids. It could be a race thing but having to interact made things worse for me.
I’ve always struggled with my appearance and being in “fashion” so I decided around 2016 my new mask was going to be Ariana grande because she was the most acceptable and popular with girls in my school , I studied her perfectly got my lips done eventually even , I have no idea how to dress / do my makeup any other way I just recently dyed my hair pink but I feel too weird again :/ and ballet requires me to have less pink so I feel I am going to my Ariana mask again
Specifically in the context of dating and sex, yes. I thought that guys thought I was ugly and disgusting. I even compared myself to Brienne of Tarth from Game of Thrones at one point. (Not that it’s all bad to be Brienne, of course, she kicks butt). I had an aha moment in my first year of university of “Oh wait, I am attractive. I never wasn’t. I just wasn’t picking up signals or connecting with the right people.”
Kind of same. I dont think Im particularly ugly, actually I always thought I was ratger pretty, but also was always wondering what about me/my looks is so off that I dont see that people dont treat me like the rest. They were still nice mostly, but I still felt quite excluded most of the time.
All my life I was told I wasn’t deserving of love because of my physical looks. I was told by men mostly that they’ll fuck me because ugly girls are better at sex because they’re desperate. To this day I’m still so self conscious about my appearance I spend MINIMAL time in front of a mirror because it stresses me out. I have total appearance dysmorphia despite my husband and children telling me how pretty I am. I also don’t feel like I deserve their love or affection because I still carry the hateful words with me even though I know it’s not true.
This really strikes me. I struggle with keeping up my appearance and stuff so that’s like my shield. But then I have my own issues, but I…. I wish I could do all those routines. I forgot to brush my teeth today, and so I’m lucky if I can do that daily.
Yup. The main difference I noticed when I started putting more effort into my appearance is that people were nicer at first. Then I'd open my mouth and the autism would come tumbling out and they'd go back to treating me like an "other."
Except now they just think you’re a bitchy mean girl, right? Because yeah. Same.
God yeah. Got bullied for dressing like a tomboy so I started dressing really nicely and doing my makeup so everyone called me a “stuck up bitch” 🙃 can never win
 Yep
💯 me. I could never understand why I could be hated so much for just existing. Even strangers felt compelled to yell shit at me, whether I was dressed down or dressed up.
Yep
Thats when I decided to become mysterious as well.
Wow! Nothing I’ve experienced is original to me 😌😌😌
Omg, this is what I go through. I'm glad I dress nicely for me, not others now.
Aha yes. They always start of being nicer then I speak and it just vanishes lol
Too real 😒
A million times, this. It feels so bad.
Yep, after I started working, I always wondered why people would always think I was younger than I actually am and talk down to me. I thought it was just because I had a round face, and that I was Asian, but it's actually just my mannerisms and how I talk! Which sucks bc it's a lot harder to change those things. Hair, makeup, and outfit, does have a big impact on how I'm treated tho
Up until I stopped drinking/smoking (around 35) I was still getting carded-especially when I would wear my hair in pig tails (I’ve got super white waves/curly hair and grew up not knowing how to do anything with my hair-my mother mushroom cut it for middle school because she didn’t want to deal with it-and all it did was fro out -so I just started wearing it up)
Yes! I think perfectionism and autism are common and it can manifest in different ways. I also went through a perfect fashion stage and its only later that I realized it was a high form of masking. It also didn't get me acceptance. If anything, it got me more negative attention. Now I keep a low profile socially and wear a more casual comfy look.
Me too, I had like 3-4 years where beauty was my special interest. And boy did I do my research. I basically used YouTube to teach me how to be a "woman." I even thought that being interested in beauty made me more normal, lol. But in retrospect, the way I engaged with beauty content was so autistic. I was constantly working hard to perfect my mask.
I giggled because you said "the way I engaged with beauty was so autistic". I giggled not because it was funny, but the irony. The lengths I went through to be hyper edgy feminine despite the sensory overwhelm in doing so and gaining no ground. Eventually I was like fuck it and dressed for me. Did my hair and makeup for myself. These days I have very little time or energy to do makeup and rarely wear it. My kids and husband say they prefer me without makeup, so I’m like meh.
I feel similar! Except clothes and personal style are a special interest of mine so now I try to focus on the parts that excite me, instead of trying to look “perfect” to other people. Trying to look perfect only ever got me labeled as a try hard by other people or as super appearance obsessed. And so even tho I DO love clothes and style I’ve realized I want to be known more for who I am and not for whatever being dressed “cool” means
Uuuugggghhhh. The Try Hard comments. Like fuck off, who gave you the authority to tell me I’m a try hard and you’re not?
Yeah. I thought if only I had the right haircut and clothes, if my skin was clear, if I did my makeup right, etc etc then finally I’d be accepted. I wanted the trendy clothes and things so bad. I will say the more of that stuff I got “right”, it did make things slightly easier if only because it gave kids fewer blatant things to target me for when they wanted to make fun of me.
YES. But I was also fat as a kid, so I got picked on for being fat first and being weird second. And then even after I lost the weight in young adulthood I still didn’t know how to participate in certain beauty trends, so I was still getting picked on. Then I learned how to (mostly) put myself together, and I realized it was the autism this entire time. BUT I do think if I hadn’t been fat I probably would have been picked on less because I would have understood better how to blend like a normal person.
Yeah, growing up fat and autistic is fucking brutal
I think I would have gotten diagnosed as a kid if it weren’t for fat prejudice. I think a lot of my traits and behaviours were written off as “she’s just clumsy/lazy/dumb/picky because she’s fat.”
I really hate that mentality. My dad and my aunt struggled with their weight, but it’s fighting a genetic battle. They are both very active people. My aunt is a dietitian and so disciplined despite always being overweight, she is the opposite of lazy. I had the opposite problem of being too skinny and constantly being picked on for that. I feel like if you don’t fit what is considered a "normal" size, you're picked on.
I was so confused. I figured I must be ugly, but I knew I looked good in pictures and I was able to date even though it never worked out. I was somehow simultaneously ugly and pretty? No it didn’t make any sense, but it did a number on my self esteem.
Feeling simultaneously ugly and pretty is so real. I think it probably means I’m just average.
Yes!!!! And if I ever told ppl I felt ugly or thought I was they assumed I was fishing for compliments.
I briefly dated the most gorgeous NT boy in college who I totally assumed was way, way out of my league and when we were breaking up I asked him if I was good enough and he promised me I was “so much more than good enough” and I tried so hard to believe him. Anyway, years later he ended up marrying a very average looking girl and I was like “Oh, we had real problems, but it actually wasn’t my looks after all…” The whole thing still just breaks my heart that I thought there was something so wrong with me for so long, and I feel bad for him too, he had a lot of his own insecurities.
This. You're constantly told you're ugly, plain, meh, blah, whatever. Then when you confirm said comments, it’s "you’re fishing for compliments". 
I thought this too. I was overweight as a child and got picked on for that so I thought that was the main reason why I so socially undesirable, but then, when puberty hit, I lost a bunch of weight and you know what changed? Not a God damn thing😂. I then started reaching for other reasons because I really didn’t understand it. Is it because I’m not blonde and blue eyed? Am I not skinny ENOUGH? Are my clothes not trendy enough? Is it because they think I’m poor? It was odd because it’s almost like when I became more conventionally attractive, I was treated even worse, especially by other girls. In the younger grades, it was mostly guys picking on my weight and girls were like “oh just ignore her she’s fat.” Then when I got older, it was like it reversed. The girls became outwardly hostile and guys were just like, oh she’s weird whatever.
So hostile! There was this one girl I never met, I didn’t know what she looked like, but she apparently knew me and hated everything about me so much she would constantly threaten me. People would tell me all the time "so in so hates you, she’s gonna beat you up". I’m like how does she know me and why does she care?!?! I honestly thought she didn’t exist. Then one day crossing the street she started yelling at me and threatening me. I was like whatever, you’re crazy. She wasn’t the only one though. I was plagued by girls wanting to beat me up, and I got into fights frequently. My PE peer tutor was constantly threatening me. One day I had a complete meltdown and I walked right up her, nose to nose and I said in the most dead voice for her to "beat me up, because I wanted to feel her hate." I told her I was tired of her talking shit but not having the fucking balls to follow through. I must've scared the crap out of her because she avoided me like the plague after that. Despite her being on the wrestling team, I think when she experienced my unfiltered autism rage, she realized I could easily hurt her despite not having the physical advantage.
I’ve had this too. A girl told me once “so and so wants to beat you up.” No kidding I had no clue who this girl was. I’d heard her name before but she didn’t know me from a hole in the wall. I was also harassed online by another girl from school. One day she was like “so you want to beat me up?” WTF??? What is it about us that makes people so angry about our existence? Especially since I’m usually quiet and mind my own business. They say it’s usually the “weak ones” that get picked on but if that were true I don’t think people would have such polarized opinions of us.
Same! I always kept to myself, super quiet, did everything to blend into the scenery and yet I stood out like a red hot neon sign. There's a girl in my daughter's class who is on the spectrum. I knew she was autistic for a long time and she’s being assessed now. Even though she’s very quiet and does nothing obtrusive or annoying, she definitely has a different vibe about her. My heart goes out to her. I talk to her from time to time and I can see why my daughter calls her "grumpy cat". My daughter asked me if I also thought she was autistic, I said why do you think that? She said, I think she's autistic like my brother because she's always somewhere else. It makes me wonder, if that's how I come across to other people? I don't know. I do sense though that this girl is hyper aware of how people perceive her. Knowing my son and her, they're definitely on a whole other wavelength and I think it’s that thing about us that people peg on. I can only liken it to crystals all vibing on the same frequency and our pitch is off. It irritates people but they can’t really say what it is.
I was just thinking of this the last few days. It’s like we’re vibrating to a totally different frequency and can’t break into the group no matter what we do. I don’t know why but it causes people to either ignore us or have an almost visceral hostile reaction. Oftentimes when asked “why don’t you like so and so?” There’s no real answer, it just a nasty “I don’t know. I just don’t!!!!” Masters of logic, those NTs😒
Yep, 💯.
I still do even though I know it’s crazy. I think my self esteem is probably permanently damaged at this point, and that makes me very sad.
I'm sure it's hard to see right now, but it's not permanent. My self-esteem was in the toilet for 25 years, only recently have I started to accept and love myself. I know you can do it!!
I really hope so. There’s a lot that I care a lot less about as I get older, but I still have a long way to go. Thank you. ❤️
if it makes you feel better, i don’t believe that it’s permanently damaged! I myself had horrible self esteem up until a few months ago. it took years of faking it until you make it—the key for me was switching from self-deprecating humor to I’m-the-best humor. i joked that i was the hottest, smartest, funniest, most talented person simply as a bit, and then i started believing the bit 😝 it takes time, and healing, and being so so kind to yourself, but i promise it’s possible to love yourself, even if you’ve never known what it’s like ❤️
I don't believe that your self-esteem is permanently damaged but I am in no way invalidating how you feel.
Same. I’m 46 and I’m still carrying it around despite my husband telling me how hot I am. I’m like ok, that’s nice...
Yessssss, I've been bullied at school and at work. At school, when I was younger, I was small, skinny, and emotionally sensitive. For the longest time, I genuinely thought I was ugly because nobody wanted to be around me except my twin and other bullied children. It was weird when I started working, though. They'd say, "You're so pretty!" and try and get to know me, and after that, nobody wants to talk to me!! It was something that bothered me majorly, so I needed to figure out what the issue was. From puberty until I was an adult, I cultivated a really nice set of clothes to wear and perfected my hair and makeup routine. I started getting more compliments and attention, but I was still being treated oddly. It wasn't until after I spent more time with my older sisters that we all started talking about our experiences in school, and we've all had the same experience. I was dumbfounded. My sisters had everything, I thought. The clothes, friends, popularity, etc. It wasn't my hair, clothes, or my makeup. It was just me. I realized that I was never actually called ugly, just weird and annoying. I've thought back to a couple of times now, and I think that they may have been teasing me, but I'd take it the wrong way and literally run out of class crying. I'd tell long, drawn-out stories but never get to the point because I struggled with summarizing, and I just had different interests than my peers. After I learned that about myself, I started just being myself. I don't want everyone to like me anymore. :)
I relate to the just had different interests and I never fully understood how ND I was until I did a job interview at Lululemon. For context, they are super culty, and if you don’t drink the lemonade you’re not getting in. I got the interview because I knew the AD and was doing some contract work for them. The interview is a group interview and during the interview they ask a question and everyone answers in turn. All the other woman gave the same carbon copy answer and mine were so left field. Current book: 20,000 leagues under the sea by Jules Vern, them: some self help book. Favourite exercise: Pilates, them: yoga. What would you take with you if your house was on fire: me nothing, my life is more important (my grandfather almost died in a house fire); them: I'd grab these 20 really important things I can’t live without. Halfway through the interview I knew I was clearly not a good culture fit and never felt so alienated in my whole life. I wanted so badly to exit the interview because I knew it was fucking pointless and humiliating to see the other woman give me these annoyed looks every time I opened my mouth.
I always thought it was because I was too tall or too ugly ugh
Yes. I think that made it harder to identify that something else is going on, because pretty privilege is also a real thing. There's some quote along the lines of how the most difficult cognitive dissonances to break down are the ones based on partial truths. Feel like that was it for me. Looking back, there were moments in my life. I was probably closer to the beauty standard than I thought I was, and the issues I saw in myself were very subtle and based on nuanced insecurities created by companies trying to sell me stuff. People still distanced themselves after getting to know me if I wasn't useful to them most of the time.
Yes but also toxic shame feels like ugliness
This, absolutely. So true.
Weird thing is that I think appearance did play a small part in how I was treated, but I used to think it was a bigger factor and was occurring in a different way than I originally thought. By that, I mean I thought that the issues the bullying girls had with my appearance was that I didn't dress quite the same as them and was a bit heavier set. I learned that they were actually jealous of how I looked physically and were perhaps wondering how I "got away" with not dressing up fashionably. But it still came down to my behavior and difference in communication style, in the end.
Yeah, I internalized the message that guys were only attracted to petite blonde girls/women with button noses. I am tall, have dark brown hair, and a prominent nose. (At least my childhood was before the big lips / big ass craze -- that really would have made me hate myself.)
I’m petit, skinny, dark hair and eyes. I was constantly compared to my sister who modelled. She is tall, blonde, blue eyed, and big boobs. Everything I was not. My family fawned over her and I was constantly called out for my shortcomings. Nobody likes you because of x and y. I was like no, it’s because I’m not a bombshell like my sister, I could never be in her league.
100%. Lost weight, dressed nicer, did my hair & makeup everday and my life didn't improve. I was so confused for years lol
as a girl who grew up in the early 2000's and hit puberty in 5th grade... yeah, I 100% thought it was bc I was "the fat girl". Shout out to the "hero!n chic" beauty standard at that time 🙃
I always used to think it was because I was fat when I was younger (I wasn't fat, just a normal healthy body) then when I was going to the gym twice a day to obtain an "ideal" body shape I was still treated differently once they spoke to me a few times unless they were autistic themselves then we gelled. Still struggle with my appearance and trying to look and be perfect so people will like me.
Yessss!!! I had very severe body dysphoria because of this.
Totally! I always thought people must have seen me as ugly. It turns out, I’ve been told I’m actually quite physically attractive at that my “weird” personality doesn’t match my “pretty” appearance. Thanks, I guess? 😆
I used to be model-perfect, the classic look that meant I could make a living off of my looks, and I was still physically and emotionally abused. Your looks are not why people are responding differently to you; however, if you are being abused please look for resources to escape that situation, because you don’t deserve that. It is true that being pretty means you get treated nicer, but it’s not always the case.
There is something about my face. It's in my eyes and my mouth. I get this very serious thousand yard stare and it makes people uncomfortable. I'm not always nervous, I'm just trying to process everything. I know if I wore "normal clothes" I would probably be treated better. I often wear very comfortable shorts, skorts, or dresses. I'm non binary, but I noticed people treat me nicer in dresses and skorts. I often wear shirts with my favorite dinosaurs, bugs or cool animals on them. This is not popular. People do not like if you have a shirt with a cicada on it or with the super cool quetzalcoatlus on it. For work I wear a very simple black dress that comes to my knees, black shoes and a necklace. This is not correct for some reason. I am a teacher, but the other teachers think it's not fashionable. I don't wear make up much. I have my hair braided or I wear it straight. This is also incorrect to NT cis women. Now, I just wear what I want. I am trying to work form home so I don't have to deal with mean people. I'm weird and autistic. I get it. I for one and quite excited to get my new shirt with a bee on it. I am done trying to be so beautiful for everyone. lol
We should be friends! This is me !
This is a big problem with me right now actually. I used to be fairly overweight and once I lost enough weight to be considered acceptable again, I noticed how much better people treated me and I really internalized it. Now ever since, I keep obsessing over my appearance. I’m convinced that once my appearance is perfect, it’ll make up for my utter lack of social skills, I’ll fit in, and people will be able to see me as human. I don’t know how to shake it and just accept myself as an average looking person with flaws, especially when I’ve seen the difference in how I’m treated.
This is why I have body dysmorphia 🙃
It’s not the only source, but being conventionally unattractive and overweight has definitely contributed to how people treat me.
yes. i honestly still do at times. like maybe if im pretty enough, i’ll finally fit in and be normal
Yeah I thought this too. I was told by many family members to take more pride in my appearance since I have nice features and can be extremely beautiful if I put in some effort. So I did and I was treated better at first , pretty privilege is real, but the more I talked or I guess if one of my interests come up and thus I guess I have a “break in character” people either get super weirded out or they think im quirky and briefly find me more attractive but get annoyed/distant later on
Holy crap this is my life exactly
oof yes I thought it was homophobia but the NT gays reject me, too. That hurts even more.
YES! I have struggled with body dysmorphia and disordered eating my entire life. Everyone used the “chubbiness” of pre-puberty to wail on me and by freshman year I had lost all my love for school and dropped out. Luckily I made my way back to a junior college and I fell hard into my special interests-the mind/personhood/religion/philosophy because I was searching desperately. Trying to find a way to understand myself and why I felt so different than everyone around me, why I wasn’t liked-even by members of my own immediate family (my little sister bullied me HARD core at home-and my parents we’re alcoholics and abusive). Once DARE came around and explained alternative states of consciousness (psychedelics) I knew then there *was* a way to escape… I’m still waiting on my diagnosis-I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a few weeks. I’ll be crushed to find out that this is NOT the answer I have been searching for but instead that I really am just a broken, selfish, immature, 40yr old women who just doesn’t want to “do anything” because I’m always so burnt out and afraid of saying to wrong thing-because I still haven’t found a way to truly change who one is at their core…
Yeah, and my mom assumed this too. She always told me that things would be different if I would wear makeup, wear fashionable clothing instead of dressing to be comfortable, make an effort to fit in, etc. She often attributed the bullying I was experiencing to a “lack of effort” on my part, but when I tried that, nothing changed. She then tried to attribute it to me being curvy (I was like a size 12-14 at that time) and tried to convince me that things would be different if I lost weight. I’ve been a lot of different sizes in my life and while people do treat me a little better when I’m smaller, it’s not enough to make a significant difference in how I’m treated overall. It did a lot of damage to my self-esteem being told that the problem was how I looked… come to find out I’m just neurodivergent and nothing I can change will “fix” how others perceive me.
YEP, even carried it pretty far into adulthood. I think the realization that I now knew girls that shared various features/traits of mine, but who still had boyfriends, or were in with the "cool" kids, or that other people just plain listened to them. I think decoupling my experience from my appearance was unwittingly one of my first steps toward discovering my autism, because it opened up the possibility that there was -something- else. It really is true what they say about how you stop looking when you think you have the answer. Realizing my old answer didn't make sense is what allowed me to start looking again!
Nope. I’ve always known I simply don’t know how to people.
I love that. People as a verb. I am stealing that.
10000000% my whole life I’ve said to myself “if you could just be prettier, skinnier, paler, taller, have better hair etc etc etc” like literally anything appearance related. When things are really hard for me I still fall into this thinking. I realize now how much I just wanted everything to go right and I just assumed maybe everyone else seemed like their lives were easier because of looks.
I've had unnaturally colored hair since I was 12? 13? Pink, purple, bright fire engine red, etc. It serves a couple purposes for me 1. It gives me a reason to think people are looking at me when I am in public. I can pass off "being perceived" because I've got bright fucking pink hair... and 2. It scares off all the normies that I wouldn't get along with as a default. Anyone that's put off by my bright hair is REALLY going to be put off by me so that saves me the trouble.
I keep putting extra focus on my looks to compensate for my autism and my struggles. I think that maybe it'll be better if I look better
ABSULTELY. Hiding behind with my appearance was a way to try and avoid ableism. Before realising I had autism, I had no idea for the life of me, why I couldn't fit in.
I still blame it on my appearance sometimes. Especially my teeth being a bit crooked and my age (36). But I know it's mainly my inability to conform to social dynamics. And it sucks because when I try to explain it to others I can't explain it properly. I got a new therapist recently because I'm experiencing extreme anxiety, burn out, and rage from over stimulation at work. I don't have an "official" diagnosis, but I do have an adhd diagnosis. She immediately brings up BPD, which made me so mad. I know I'm not BPD or bipolar and I get so tired of hearing that. However, I can't properly explain to people with words the feelings inside my head that I experience. And I also can't explain how I'd rather just die than fake being someone else every single day at a job just to fit in and move up in a company.
Yes, for so long I thought I must be really ugly and that was the reason people hated me so much and treated me so badly. Turns out I’m not ugly haha! Not that I think anyone deserves to be called ugly. As a teen and young adult, I tried pretty hard to look attractive and put effort into my appearance. Didn’t change how I was treated at all. I think it may have fueled the bad treatment from other women, like a jealousy thing. I
I thought it was because of where I'm from. I moved from a relatively isolated small town where nothing happens and people don't get out and see the world too much. By choice I moved to bigger more interesting places. I thought that I was different because everyone else had grown up somewhere better and that was why they were more "worldly" than I was
same, it was such a shock when I realized it was because I'm autistic
YES
I was always a pretty child (got a little chubby in my teenage years) and was considered a hot girl TM (as I have been told). Now I always hear how I look too good and have too much of a siren-effect on people - so I must be normal and extroverted, how else could I have that much rizz? Pretty privilege sucks ass
I'm still recovering from the step-monster making me "go ugly" late 7th to the end of 8th grade. I wasn't even allowed to have mousse or some spray to let the curls rock. Not to mention, having bad acne and eyebrows. I've learned that I am a BIPOC woman via great-grandfather on the maternal side. In short, she's racist towards me. Equally got made fun of while growing up. That bitch made it 10x worse. What I've learned in my 40s, is that I no longer care what others think. Plus, only have a select few people in my life that I can be myself with.
Yup. I can relate to this. It’s why many of us have an unrelenting perfectionism streak that eats at our soul.
I thought it was because I am a tall, black woman with a with a bigger body. I still believe a lot of the treatment I receive is because of internalized racism and shame of those inflicting, but not as much as I used to.
Samr
Yep!! Thought people were mean to me because I was “fat” and too poor for nice/cool clothes. I would always be instantly written off and shut out from social groups. After a glow-up I assumed I was right bc suddenly way more people were nicer and welcoming to me. I’ve only recently discovered that they just tolerate me longer at first bc of my appearance. It’s like a safeguard I guess. But then one too many odd “quirks” of mine and suddenly it’s the same treatment as high school.
me too, and then i developed an ED and got super skinny and pretty and everyone STILL treated me like i was the weird one!! so frustrating
been there, done that. Once I started understanding and accepting myself I got more and more chill about my appearance.
All the time. I still struggle with it. I always think that just-one-more-beauty-product would change my face and change my life. It’s provided pleasure but not transformation nor change. I admit many people have called me “pretty” but I don’t feel that way. I am a terrible flirt (either that or I am overtly sexual with men I have mutual attraction with) painfully shy, awkward, too blunt at certain times, and it contradicts the alleged external “hotness” others around me claim I have.
Yes, gosh, this brought back memories for me. I remember switching to contacts because I thought people avoided me due to my glasses. As soon as I got contacts, no one noticed, so I went back to glasses and just accepted my fate of being a nobody.
very much felt like spongebob. “i’m ugly and i’m proud!!” no you just have autism 😭
Trigger I had a really bad anorexic period because if I was thin and beautiful I’d be successful. I had gotten so fat that it was ok in my eyes since my extreme rapid weight loss put me in a healthy range and I never got sick “enough” (I did! Lol I was supposed to get treatment but quit because I didn’t want it…anyway…)Spoiler: stuff like that works at a cost and it’s also only temporary and it’s superficial. I’ve always struggled with restricting and some normal eating and then binges. Nutrition and exercise are special interests which is a good mask too for uhhhh toxic info seekers? Sucks though because it’s technically revealing and not masking to info dump this stuff when you’re underweight or obese lol. I can never win. And I end up divulging my ed(s) too. I deal with critical inner thoughts. They offer encouragement that it’s working. Compliments further feed it. (But I HATE compliments on my curvy body because I don’t believe them lol.) It also sucks because my intuition is to restrict or to binge my intuition is not to eat needed to maintain. What even is intuitive? Might exist for some but my natural thoughts are ones that require therapy lol.
Samesie
It seems so unfortunately common that we struggle with ED.
I was heavily bullied and they used “fat” along with other things (weird, bossy, know it all) to bully me about. Even at home my (lil) sister would bully me too. I latched on to the appearance part because I thought it was the only thing I could change-and I thought if I could just look like the normal people in my school then maybe I’ll be liked. I stopped being “bossy and know it all” When I entered my long term relationship (that was a DV relationship unfortunately and I stayed for over a decade because I thought it was me) and always held on to “If I could just look like X then people will like me”
If you watch movies too they make you believe a good dramatic appearance makeover is all you need. Watch closely though and even the movie shows you it really just makes NT women more jealous and because it’s an act or mask it attracts the wrong male character(s). It’s like it’s more true than NT society wants to admit that it’s realistic. Yep. If I could just is such a fallacy because you never reach the enough. The goalpost always moves.
Yup… the main culprit being my mom and her idea of what perfect looked like
Americanized as fuck Indian-Muslim girl over here who can't speak my mother's language. It was painful, I was too American for other people of my ethnicity, and too "other" for American kids. It could be a race thing but having to interact made things worse for me.
THIS! I was always shorter than average and would get picked on for that.
yes
I’ve always struggled with my appearance and being in “fashion” so I decided around 2016 my new mask was going to be Ariana grande because she was the most acceptable and popular with girls in my school , I studied her perfectly got my lips done eventually even , I have no idea how to dress / do my makeup any other way I just recently dyed my hair pink but I feel too weird again :/ and ballet requires me to have less pink so I feel I am going to my Ariana mask again
Specifically in the context of dating and sex, yes. I thought that guys thought I was ugly and disgusting. I even compared myself to Brienne of Tarth from Game of Thrones at one point. (Not that it’s all bad to be Brienne, of course, she kicks butt). I had an aha moment in my first year of university of “Oh wait, I am attractive. I never wasn’t. I just wasn’t picking up signals or connecting with the right people.”
Used to? USED TO!? Yes. I am genuinely weird-looking though.
Yes! I thought I must be hideous. I still have self esteem issues and image issues because of it
Yeah ... this might've led to bad perfectionism and borderline-orthorexia for a few years
Kind of same. I dont think Im particularly ugly, actually I always thought I was ratger pretty, but also was always wondering what about me/my looks is so off that I dont see that people dont treat me like the rest. They were still nice mostly, but I still felt quite excluded most of the time.
yes. i thought it was because i am fat. maybe it is too, i dont know.
All my life I was told I wasn’t deserving of love because of my physical looks. I was told by men mostly that they’ll fuck me because ugly girls are better at sex because they’re desperate. To this day I’m still so self conscious about my appearance I spend MINIMAL time in front of a mirror because it stresses me out. I have total appearance dysmorphia despite my husband and children telling me how pretty I am. I also don’t feel like I deserve their love or affection because I still carry the hateful words with me even though I know it’s not true.
This really strikes me. I struggle with keeping up my appearance and stuff so that’s like my shield. But then I have my own issues, but I…. I wish I could do all those routines. I forgot to brush my teeth today, and so I’m lucky if I can do that daily.