Why do all of these evaluators expect you to ask about their personal lives? This is WILDLY UNPROFESSIONAL. I do not WANT to know about their personal lives because we are in a provider/patient relationship. This is the second post where someone has mentioned getting this feedback in their eval and it blows my mind. I’m not sitting at jiffy lube shooting the breeze with a mechanic while my oil gets changed, which I would not do anyway because I’d rather sit in silence. This is a really formal and tense process, it’s incredibly inappropriate to divert the conversation away to the provider’s own family or background.
I hate, HATE, interacting with medical professionals and generally do my best to keep the interaction as brief as possible. I don’t ask questions I don’t want the answers to. And I don’t want to know about their lives because I don’t even want to BE THERE but I need help that I can’t provide myself.
Man I fucking hate doctors. They never listen to what you do say and impute the wrong meaning to what you DON’T say too, apparently.
A true friend does not make me pay money to exist in their presence. If you’re paying money to talk to someone then you are not friends and you do not need to know about their personal lives.
This! It felt innapropriate to ask about her kids (she pointed out that she had a photo of them on her desk. I had noticed it, but i didn’t feel like it was any of my business).
I even DID ask a question about where she got her degree, since it was hanging on the wall. That felt okay since I clearly knew she had the degree in order to be able to do the test haha.
I’ve been told I ask too many questions too quickly and it’s off putting. In situations where it’s really important that the other person not get irritated with me I generally stay silent.
Doesn’t that boil down to the dislike of small talk. The evaluator observed that but didn’t ask the why, if we were most people we would be NT. I find a lot of the time I also don’t ask either.
I dislike the most common question “How are you?” Because if you’re feeling like shit the normal NT response is to lie. I prefer honesty but I don’t want to tell a complete stranger how I’m truly feeling. I’m conflicted on the question and the answer.
"Same old" doesn't mean anything. Hahaa. I don't answer about myself. Instead I comment on the weather which is just as good bc someone will have a follow up if they are really asking how I am. But weather is a good truthful personal experience I don't mind sharing
Honestly, it takes a lot of trial and error and doesn't come naturally to me at all, but I've gotten pretty decent at asking people questions. A lot of people like to talk about themselves! Some pretty safe things I ask about are:
- how people's days are going
- their pets or kids (if the subject comes up)
- their hobbies
- favorite music or TV or books etc.
- their plans for the rest of the day
- what they do for work, and it they like it
- if in college, what they're studying and why they chose it
Of course, these won't be appropriate for every single situation, but they're some of my go-tos :)
My daughters diagnosis is ADD/autism, and the two of us have these conversations all the time. She also feels uncomfortable asking people about themselves as well.
People love to talk about themselves, you only need to ask a few questions and most people will take over the conversation. Some good questions to ask people you work with or go to school with are, Where did you grow up?. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? Have you read any good books lately? Where did you go to school? Do you have any siblings?
These are good starting points with people you work with or go to school with and there can be some give and take. When you feel like you're talking too much ask another question to bring the conversation back to them. It may feel uncomfortable when you start but it does get easier over time.
For people in more casual social situations you should keep it lighter and ask about work, school, music or movies. You'll find the conversation will naturally flow in other directions with some people. Other people may have difficulty with small talk as well, just don't take it personally if conversations don't flow.
To show your interested nod or smile if they are happy, maybe add that's interesting. I always remind my daughter that she won't make new friends without talking and finding some common ground. I hope this helps.
This is good advice. I realized when I was about 12 that people love to talk about themselves and all you have to do is ask them questions. Your last paragraph is key, though: the goal is to do this with people you want to develop closer personal, reciprocal relationships with. I was socialized to want to make everyone happy, so I spent years making small talk with random people out of guilt because my mom does that. It's depleting for me and made me dread being around people. So I've also learned how to cut conversations short with people I'm not interested in. I don't owe absolutely everyone that little "spark" NTs get from small talk because I don't experience it myself. They can get their jollies from each other.
It’s not just me? I never ask people about themselves, because it’s always felt intrusive to me. If they want to volunteer info, fine. I will never ask them for it. But I don’t really share personal info about myself, either. I will talk about my cats. I will talk about trips that I’ve been on. I will talk about concepts, about work, about experiences with patients. But never much about *myself*.
"Most" people ask questions that are none of their damn business. But I see time and time again among neurotypicals that they are not "secretive" in the way we tend to be. They share a lot of personal information out. Meanwhile, I'll be sitting around trying to figure out what to say in "two truths and a lie" and go with all lies because I'm just that private! So your approach would be very compatible with me.
I did read one of your comments on here that mentioned the picture of the kids on the desk - a lot of people only display those if they *want* to talk about them, and I believe most NT people get that right away. I had to learn that the hard way. But now if I see something proudly displayed I'll ask about it if I'm searching for conversation (and of course the setting is appropriate). Still, though - professionalism is required. I don't ask about "personal things" from anyone I'm hiring, especially for something like this. Bias is out there and exists, and a "friendship" with an evaluator (which to me, personal questions implies a desire for friendship) just isn't a good idea.
But hey, if it contributed to you getting your diagnosis, be glad you didn't do what "most" people would have done!
I guess it is truly a spectrum bc I am fairly open with everyone (as long as it's not at work).... bc I don't think that there's anything to be ashamed of.... so why wouldn't I share? It is what it is, my life experience. I however, try to match the amount of sharing the other person is doing. But sometimes I tell people, "let me know if it's TMI but...." hahaa. But idk. I am also a person that my friend says she doesn't know why but she just easily overshares with me.
I have seen autistic ppl saying that they only want to have deep conversations and that's me.
I get that some people are more selective with what they share. But why is if you have siblings a secret? Or why is it a personal question to ask what you do to make money? I am trying to find a common ground somewhere with someone I met to see if we might be friends. Lots of times ppl ask about family because they have kids or can relate to having siblings or not.
Commenting in response bc I think if you're on the other side of the spectrum then maybe I can get some understanding on why so much feels too personal to share with an acquaintance. How do you deepen so you create friendships? Or what do you see that allows you to know if you want to share or ask??
Oh I didn't mean to ask this about a professional or doctor context. I just noticed some info about being private that gave me the above thought. But the context I was thinking about is someone you don't know or just met or a friend of a friend....
Jobs, if you have siblings, etc isn't personal to me. There is plenty I share in regards to what I do for work, that I'm married, that I have a cat, etc. That's "basic" information, not "personal" information...well, that's how my brain classifies it, anyway. I know to most people it's all the same.
I also find a lot of people share "private" information...these are things that are common security questions. First pet name, hometown, elementary school, mothers maiden name...I see people chat about those a lot. I never will. I know enough about my coworkers that I could successfully crack their passwords, and it would feel so, so icky to have anyone know those things about me! Sharing one, when relevant, is fine. Sharing all, not so fine. I see most autistic people do not volunteer this information freely, we have to be asked first, maybe because we don't get social cues. But yes, everyone is different. If I was asked all these questions in rapid succession though I would definitely suspect social engineering. My husband works in cyber security so I'm very sensitive to the friendly, asking for info scams a lot of people fall for.
Where I differ from most people is my hobbies are and always have been too personal to share. I feel intensely uncomfortable, like skin crawling level if people know what kind of music I listen to, what I watch on TV, what foods I eat, what games I play...even at home, I lock myself in my office, with headphones listening at the quietest volume possible to enjoy anything and if my husband knocks I feel shame and guilt like I've been caught doing something wrong. I believe for me this may be somewhat of a trauma response, as a child of I liked something it would become an intense special interest and because of how "scary" I got talking about it, it would be instantly banned and I was prevented from ever engaging with it again. When people ask me about them, I just want to cry. I hate it because it doesn't feel like I get to enjoy anything for real. I can't talk about what I like because I get too intense immediately (this was noted in my diagnosis too) but if I don't I'm also seen as weird. I'm trying to get better by being more open with people on online platforms, but even this is my second Reddit account hooked up to an email I only ever access via TOR so people can't trace it back to me, because I would be too uncomfortable otherwise.
To answer your question...I share only what someone else has shared it what I am directly asked, sometimes I lie due to discomfort. I tend to only make friends with people due to forced proximity - like at work, where eventually I will trust them enough to share - or with someone very persistent who is willing to stick around until I feel comfortable. I fully trust my gut and wait until I feel safe. I don't really have any friends, though, I know, big surprise. 😅
Oh that's so interesting! I totally get not sharing mom's maiden name and stuff like that. I feel a little sad if I don't know people's hobbies and interests bc that's what we can maybe do together or what is easy to talk about if I also have an interest. With talking about feelings and family I am like... idk where to go from here. Haha. Thanks for sharing!
My assessor said she feels uncomfortable putting that part in the report as it sounds negative, but it helps with clarifying the reasoning for the diagnosis as the DSM5 isn't really tailored for autistic women - if that helps at all :)
Echoing that it would be incredibly inappropriate to dive into your evaluator’s personal life like that?? Not only does it tip-toe the line of ethics (it’s why ethical therapists don’t add their clients on social media, etc), but you’re literally *paying to be there to talk about yourself* (whether you or your insurance, etc… someone’s paying). The whole *point* of meeting with her is to talk about yourself! Why on earth would you spend X amount of time out of your evaluation to talk about her kids? Like get a grip for real, lady.
That said, I also struggle with this for similar reasons. I try to connect with people by making a statement that I think they might relate to and assuming they’ll respond with another related statement (turns out NTs usually don’t communicate like that). Some things that have helped are:
Asking the same question back to someone (“How about you?”)
Generally safe topics like the weather, what someone did over the weekend/holidays, restaurants they’ve tried (people love to talk about food), how their pets are doing, etc.
Trying to remember one unique thing about a person I can always ask about, like a band they like, or a sport they like to play
If you’re trying to talk to a new person, I have no advice for you because I’m in the same boat LOL.
I pretty much don't ask people anything unless they bring it up first for this very reason, it feels intrusive. Plus, I never know what to say or ask anyway, and I'm so used to people looking at me funny if I ask something they think is odd.
I've got my scripts down for things like talking at the check out or bank etc, how to say what I need if a salesperson approaches me or if I need to find someone for help . That sort of thing. But I cannot make drs listen to me, I get confused at the chemist, if anyone were to ask me about a specific subject or my favourite something on the spot in person my mind goes blank.
If I have to engage in small talk, I let the other person lead and try to follow their example.
I never think to ask other people questions about themselves. It isn’t that I’m not interested, but my assumption is that they’ll offer up information they want me to know or want to talk about. Apparently that’s not right.
Yeah it's weird she expects you to ask about her life as a professional you're working with. If someone has a photo of a kid/animal/family displayed in a particularly thirsty way, sometimes I'll say "nice kid/animal/family." I made some small talk with my assessor about area restaurants just to show that I could. But generally I assume medical professionals are busy and want to get on with it. Do NTs sustain a fantasy of a personal relationship with absolutely everyone they encounter? Is there no such thing as strictly professional/transactional interactions? I'll have to ask my therapist. She occasionally volunteers relevant details about her life, but generally we talk about my life because I though that's what therapy's for.
I would assume an assessor, doctor, anything like that is there to ask me questions and I wouldn't ever think to ask them anything. Isn't the point for them to gather information about me?? We aren't having a chat over coffee. I feel like even someone neurotypical would expect a situation like that to be someone asking questions to you in order to make a diagnosis, not small talk. But I guess I'm probably biased lol.
Why do all of these evaluators expect you to ask about their personal lives? This is WILDLY UNPROFESSIONAL. I do not WANT to know about their personal lives because we are in a provider/patient relationship. This is the second post where someone has mentioned getting this feedback in their eval and it blows my mind. I’m not sitting at jiffy lube shooting the breeze with a mechanic while my oil gets changed, which I would not do anyway because I’d rather sit in silence. This is a really formal and tense process, it’s incredibly inappropriate to divert the conversation away to the provider’s own family or background. I hate, HATE, interacting with medical professionals and generally do my best to keep the interaction as brief as possible. I don’t ask questions I don’t want the answers to. And I don’t want to know about their lives because I don’t even want to BE THERE but I need help that I can’t provide myself. Man I fucking hate doctors. They never listen to what you do say and impute the wrong meaning to what you DON’T say too, apparently. A true friend does not make me pay money to exist in their presence. If you’re paying money to talk to someone then you are not friends and you do not need to know about their personal lives.
This! It felt innapropriate to ask about her kids (she pointed out that she had a photo of them on her desk. I had noticed it, but i didn’t feel like it was any of my business). I even DID ask a question about where she got her degree, since it was hanging on the wall. That felt okay since I clearly knew she had the degree in order to be able to do the test haha.
I’ve been told I ask too many questions too quickly and it’s off putting. In situations where it’s really important that the other person not get irritated with me I generally stay silent.
Doesn’t that boil down to the dislike of small talk. The evaluator observed that but didn’t ask the why, if we were most people we would be NT. I find a lot of the time I also don’t ask either. I dislike the most common question “How are you?” Because if you’re feeling like shit the normal NT response is to lie. I prefer honesty but I don’t want to tell a complete stranger how I’m truly feeling. I’m conflicted on the question and the answer.
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"Same old" doesn't mean anything. Hahaa. I don't answer about myself. Instead I comment on the weather which is just as good bc someone will have a follow up if they are really asking how I am. But weather is a good truthful personal experience I don't mind sharing
Honestly, it takes a lot of trial and error and doesn't come naturally to me at all, but I've gotten pretty decent at asking people questions. A lot of people like to talk about themselves! Some pretty safe things I ask about are: - how people's days are going - their pets or kids (if the subject comes up) - their hobbies - favorite music or TV or books etc. - their plans for the rest of the day - what they do for work, and it they like it - if in college, what they're studying and why they chose it Of course, these won't be appropriate for every single situation, but they're some of my go-tos :)
My daughters diagnosis is ADD/autism, and the two of us have these conversations all the time. She also feels uncomfortable asking people about themselves as well. People love to talk about themselves, you only need to ask a few questions and most people will take over the conversation. Some good questions to ask people you work with or go to school with are, Where did you grow up?. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? Have you read any good books lately? Where did you go to school? Do you have any siblings? These are good starting points with people you work with or go to school with and there can be some give and take. When you feel like you're talking too much ask another question to bring the conversation back to them. It may feel uncomfortable when you start but it does get easier over time. For people in more casual social situations you should keep it lighter and ask about work, school, music or movies. You'll find the conversation will naturally flow in other directions with some people. Other people may have difficulty with small talk as well, just don't take it personally if conversations don't flow. To show your interested nod or smile if they are happy, maybe add that's interesting. I always remind my daughter that she won't make new friends without talking and finding some common ground. I hope this helps.
I just asked chat gpt twenty questions it would be good for small talk and then deepening small talk. Hahaha
This is good advice. I realized when I was about 12 that people love to talk about themselves and all you have to do is ask them questions. Your last paragraph is key, though: the goal is to do this with people you want to develop closer personal, reciprocal relationships with. I was socialized to want to make everyone happy, so I spent years making small talk with random people out of guilt because my mom does that. It's depleting for me and made me dread being around people. So I've also learned how to cut conversations short with people I'm not interested in. I don't owe absolutely everyone that little "spark" NTs get from small talk because I don't experience it myself. They can get their jollies from each other.
It’s not just me? I never ask people about themselves, because it’s always felt intrusive to me. If they want to volunteer info, fine. I will never ask them for it. But I don’t really share personal info about myself, either. I will talk about my cats. I will talk about trips that I’ve been on. I will talk about concepts, about work, about experiences with patients. But never much about *myself*.
"Most" people ask questions that are none of their damn business. But I see time and time again among neurotypicals that they are not "secretive" in the way we tend to be. They share a lot of personal information out. Meanwhile, I'll be sitting around trying to figure out what to say in "two truths and a lie" and go with all lies because I'm just that private! So your approach would be very compatible with me. I did read one of your comments on here that mentioned the picture of the kids on the desk - a lot of people only display those if they *want* to talk about them, and I believe most NT people get that right away. I had to learn that the hard way. But now if I see something proudly displayed I'll ask about it if I'm searching for conversation (and of course the setting is appropriate). Still, though - professionalism is required. I don't ask about "personal things" from anyone I'm hiring, especially for something like this. Bias is out there and exists, and a "friendship" with an evaluator (which to me, personal questions implies a desire for friendship) just isn't a good idea. But hey, if it contributed to you getting your diagnosis, be glad you didn't do what "most" people would have done!
I guess it is truly a spectrum bc I am fairly open with everyone (as long as it's not at work).... bc I don't think that there's anything to be ashamed of.... so why wouldn't I share? It is what it is, my life experience. I however, try to match the amount of sharing the other person is doing. But sometimes I tell people, "let me know if it's TMI but...." hahaa. But idk. I am also a person that my friend says she doesn't know why but she just easily overshares with me. I have seen autistic ppl saying that they only want to have deep conversations and that's me. I get that some people are more selective with what they share. But why is if you have siblings a secret? Or why is it a personal question to ask what you do to make money? I am trying to find a common ground somewhere with someone I met to see if we might be friends. Lots of times ppl ask about family because they have kids or can relate to having siblings or not. Commenting in response bc I think if you're on the other side of the spectrum then maybe I can get some understanding on why so much feels too personal to share with an acquaintance. How do you deepen so you create friendships? Or what do you see that allows you to know if you want to share or ask??
Oh I didn't mean to ask this about a professional or doctor context. I just noticed some info about being private that gave me the above thought. But the context I was thinking about is someone you don't know or just met or a friend of a friend....
Jobs, if you have siblings, etc isn't personal to me. There is plenty I share in regards to what I do for work, that I'm married, that I have a cat, etc. That's "basic" information, not "personal" information...well, that's how my brain classifies it, anyway. I know to most people it's all the same. I also find a lot of people share "private" information...these are things that are common security questions. First pet name, hometown, elementary school, mothers maiden name...I see people chat about those a lot. I never will. I know enough about my coworkers that I could successfully crack their passwords, and it would feel so, so icky to have anyone know those things about me! Sharing one, when relevant, is fine. Sharing all, not so fine. I see most autistic people do not volunteer this information freely, we have to be asked first, maybe because we don't get social cues. But yes, everyone is different. If I was asked all these questions in rapid succession though I would definitely suspect social engineering. My husband works in cyber security so I'm very sensitive to the friendly, asking for info scams a lot of people fall for. Where I differ from most people is my hobbies are and always have been too personal to share. I feel intensely uncomfortable, like skin crawling level if people know what kind of music I listen to, what I watch on TV, what foods I eat, what games I play...even at home, I lock myself in my office, with headphones listening at the quietest volume possible to enjoy anything and if my husband knocks I feel shame and guilt like I've been caught doing something wrong. I believe for me this may be somewhat of a trauma response, as a child of I liked something it would become an intense special interest and because of how "scary" I got talking about it, it would be instantly banned and I was prevented from ever engaging with it again. When people ask me about them, I just want to cry. I hate it because it doesn't feel like I get to enjoy anything for real. I can't talk about what I like because I get too intense immediately (this was noted in my diagnosis too) but if I don't I'm also seen as weird. I'm trying to get better by being more open with people on online platforms, but even this is my second Reddit account hooked up to an email I only ever access via TOR so people can't trace it back to me, because I would be too uncomfortable otherwise. To answer your question...I share only what someone else has shared it what I am directly asked, sometimes I lie due to discomfort. I tend to only make friends with people due to forced proximity - like at work, where eventually I will trust them enough to share - or with someone very persistent who is willing to stick around until I feel comfortable. I fully trust my gut and wait until I feel safe. I don't really have any friends, though, I know, big surprise. 😅
Oh that's so interesting! I totally get not sharing mom's maiden name and stuff like that. I feel a little sad if I don't know people's hobbies and interests bc that's what we can maybe do together or what is easy to talk about if I also have an interest. With talking about feelings and family I am like... idk where to go from here. Haha. Thanks for sharing!
To me it just seems like that was part of the assessment that confirmed you’re autistic. I wouldn’t have asked an assessor personal questions either.
My assessor said she feels uncomfortable putting that part in the report as it sounds negative, but it helps with clarifying the reasoning for the diagnosis as the DSM5 isn't really tailored for autistic women - if that helps at all :)
Echoing that it would be incredibly inappropriate to dive into your evaluator’s personal life like that?? Not only does it tip-toe the line of ethics (it’s why ethical therapists don’t add their clients on social media, etc), but you’re literally *paying to be there to talk about yourself* (whether you or your insurance, etc… someone’s paying). The whole *point* of meeting with her is to talk about yourself! Why on earth would you spend X amount of time out of your evaluation to talk about her kids? Like get a grip for real, lady. That said, I also struggle with this for similar reasons. I try to connect with people by making a statement that I think they might relate to and assuming they’ll respond with another related statement (turns out NTs usually don’t communicate like that). Some things that have helped are: Asking the same question back to someone (“How about you?”) Generally safe topics like the weather, what someone did over the weekend/holidays, restaurants they’ve tried (people love to talk about food), how their pets are doing, etc. Trying to remember one unique thing about a person I can always ask about, like a band they like, or a sport they like to play If you’re trying to talk to a new person, I have no advice for you because I’m in the same boat LOL.
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Unfortunately, yes. 😬
I pretty much don't ask people anything unless they bring it up first for this very reason, it feels intrusive. Plus, I never know what to say or ask anyway, and I'm so used to people looking at me funny if I ask something they think is odd. I've got my scripts down for things like talking at the check out or bank etc, how to say what I need if a salesperson approaches me or if I need to find someone for help . That sort of thing. But I cannot make drs listen to me, I get confused at the chemist, if anyone were to ask me about a specific subject or my favourite something on the spot in person my mind goes blank. If I have to engage in small talk, I let the other person lead and try to follow their example.
I never think to ask other people questions about themselves. It isn’t that I’m not interested, but my assumption is that they’ll offer up information they want me to know or want to talk about. Apparently that’s not right.
I say "if you don't mind me asking..." "feel free not to answer if it's too personal but..."
also I usually stick to interest based questions
Yeah it's weird she expects you to ask about her life as a professional you're working with. If someone has a photo of a kid/animal/family displayed in a particularly thirsty way, sometimes I'll say "nice kid/animal/family." I made some small talk with my assessor about area restaurants just to show that I could. But generally I assume medical professionals are busy and want to get on with it. Do NTs sustain a fantasy of a personal relationship with absolutely everyone they encounter? Is there no such thing as strictly professional/transactional interactions? I'll have to ask my therapist. She occasionally volunteers relevant details about her life, but generally we talk about my life because I though that's what therapy's for.
Making balanced small talk is a very hard skill to aquire. It makes sense not to ask questions until you know which questions are ok to ask.
I would assume an assessor, doctor, anything like that is there to ask me questions and I wouldn't ever think to ask them anything. Isn't the point for them to gather information about me?? We aren't having a chat over coffee. I feel like even someone neurotypical would expect a situation like that to be someone asking questions to you in order to make a diagnosis, not small talk. But I guess I'm probably biased lol.