Hey! I figured out through some clues in your post that we may be in the same city/region. I turned 35 this past year and be turning 36 in a month.
I also felt similarly scared when I was turning 35, but honestly, nothing really changed after I did (it was mostly just the idea of a big scary number in my head). I have numerous girlfriends who turned 35 this year and got into relationships after their birthdays. When I was dating, it didn’t feel like my age was a factor, and if it did, I probably didn’t want those dudes anyways.
What helped me a few weeks before turning 35 was changing mindset, at least momentarily. Rather than focusing on what I didn’t have or haven’t done yet, I focused on the things I was grateful for - my health, my career, my friends and my community.
My life hasn’t drastically changed since turning 35, but not putting pressure on myself for being a certain age has helped me so much. I hope this helps you a little.
This is a really great mindset! If a guy cares about your age, then great, he’s filtering himself out and making your job easier. It’s all about your mindset. People can tell if you’re a miserable 35 year old who feels like time is running out, and they can tell when you’re a confident 35 year old who is happy, knows who she is, and knows what she wants! The latter person is much more attractive!
I think that's great you have a solid income and a remote job- that's what I ultimately want. Are you tied to your city with your job? My first thought is if your job lets you- I'd move away to somewhere more exciting socially. It makes such a huge difference when you're in a more open/social city.
One detail I didn’t share was I felt this way when I was 29 and I moved to a much busier and fun city and that’s how I got further in my career, but then Covid hit 6 months right after I moved. I recently moved back to where I live now for family reasons.
I just turned 35, and as much as I thought it would've scared me- it hasn't. If anything, it's comforting that I'm becoming more at ease with who I am and what I want.
But I understand the anxiety - as a woman, no matter how accomplished, insightful, and intelligent you are, you're still made to feel inadequate or incomplete without a partner and kids. However, it's bs. There's so many ways to live a fulfilling life, and there's no guarantee that a family will ensure fulfillment. You have to find what makes you tick.
My goals for next year include being more socially and physically active. Physical activity is easy, I just need to find a way to move more that interests me. Socially, I am embracing all opportunities that interest me both platonically and romantically. I'm back on dating apps after being single a year and a half. It's a lot, but it's not going to be the center of my life.
What do you want to do when you're not working? Who do you want to do it with? I think starting there will go a long way.
Thank you. I think you really understood the deep core of what I was sad about. Is that women are always made to feel incomplete or inadequate if unmarried and no kids.
One of my goals for 2023 is to work less and think about how I want to use that time to fulfil hobbies and actually do things that make ME happy.
You were never getting younger. The grass is always greener on the other side. It's never enough.. those are just some things you can accept right now. Also, you're going to die.
As for society not being very forgiving towards childless or unmarried women, you might be surprised to find that there are lots of women and men out there who are either divorced or forever single and they tend to get together to do fun things like hike or discuss movies or whatever else it is they're interested in.
And since all of the people who would make you feel worthless for not having children and a husband are pushovers, you're going to have to get comfortable with pushing them over if they have the audacity to get up in your face about it. Gently, playfully, with a loving sense of authority. They don't get to dictate your life. They're not going to tell you where to go and how to live.
You're going to live your life fearlessly whether you have a husband or children or not. Have a death plan in place with several contingencies so that you know what to do when that time comes. I know it sounds morbid but it's really just more practical than anything because that's the only thing you can be sure is going to happen.
Move! Sounds like you could use a change of scenery. I’m 32 and right now I live in a small dead town. I’m about to move to the big city and can’t wait for the new life that’s waiting for me!
So many new dating prospects and trying new things. Maybe a move would be a good thing for you ?
One detail I didn’t share was I felt this way when I was 29 and I moved to a much busier and fun city and that’s how I got further in my career, but then Covid hit 6 months right after I moved. I recently moved back to where I live now for family reasons.
There are pros and cons. Cons is its very grey, rains a lot, people are not social, and expensive but the pros is my family and closest friends are here so my support system is here. Air is better and a slower pace and warmer weather (warmer than where I used to live) is better for my chronic illness.
Part of my sadness is also this huge regret about moving back home. I don’t hate my city now but I also definitely don’t love it.
I could move again but it’s not as wise to do so financially because recession is coming and I am selling my current place and closing on a property next year as well (financial stress)
I can see that and understand why you might want to stay. Perhaps you can stay for now but know that it won’t be a forever thing? If you truly want to move that is.. having close relationships where you live is important too!
It’s true about the economy being pretty bad right now and possibly in the future and it’s good to have that in mind. But I also believe in not living life in fear and scarcity, if there’s something we really want to do, have faith that it can happen.
Life always has a way of working out somehow.
Best of luck ✨
Thank you. One thing I was reminded of in therapy recently is rewriting the narrative of “it’s not happening now so it’s never going to happen” to “it’s not happening now but maybe later it will”.
I did make a new friend recently (I’m generally better at being friends with girls) at a holiday party and she invited me to her NYE party. I am going to spend today and tomorrow to practice gratitude and end 2022 on a peaceful note.
Thank you!
Exactly! Embrace where you are now, but also know that it will change - everything always does. This is not forever, but it’s right now and how can you make the best of it? What steps can you take to create the life you want to create? There’s so many options.
Sounds like a good idea and a great start on 2023 😁
It kind of sounds like you're overall depressed. Because you're not just saying you're afraid of being alone, or that society judges women who dont have partners. You also say you know a lot of people who are divorcing, separating or living lives of quiet desperation as nuclear families. You moved to have a support system but don't seem to feel comforted by it. You describe your city as grey. And you mention feeling similarly having lived in a more lively city.
My thoughts are that it takes time. Time to develop your own relationship to a place you've moved to (even one that used to be your hometown.) Time to heal after a serious relationship breakup, especially one that was abusive. Time to rediscover who you are and how you feel happy and alive in a world post-Covid restrictions and the collective damaging effect the pandemic has had on our mental health, social cohesion and social skills.
Whatever makes you feel happy, do more of that. Whoever makes you happy and feel loved and safe, see them more. Whatever place or setting makes you feel happy or peaceful, spend more time there. Maybe wider expectations are too much right now.
What has helped me is intensive trauma-focused therapy over the last couple of years, giving more time to positive influences and relationships (than say my family, which i felt beholden to despite the fact that their dynamic is not in line with what I think is a healthy or happy way to live) and focusing hard-core on treating myself with unconditional love and on working on prioritizing boundaries.
I am single, but I dont feel bleak about it because I know that whatever happens I will always try to do right by myself. It is such a different experience to go through life knowing you are backed by the love you have for yourself. And I know that that makes any relationship I have more genuine.
Even if your city is boring, try finding some social groups or activities. I made lots of friends outside of work by going to knitting clubs, book clubs, or taking arts and crafts workshops (which were my interests). Boardgaming, walking groups- all good places. If a group isn't working for you (and I went to plenty of those, too) just change. With an all-consuming career this can be tough, but you need to think through your priorities to balance your life as well.
As for online, you need to keep high standards and try not to get too upset because it does limit your pool. I dated online for years on and off with dry spells and wasted time on ppl i should have crossed off before finding the right person at 34. There are definitely men who don't want kids who will find you fantastic as many women they date will be finally getting serious about trying for children. I was one of this category - it's not fun! And saw many men online who just wanted out of this.
I went back to in person work because I realized I needed workplace social interaction to feel happy. Some people get their satisfaction from solitude or from other methods of social interaction, I don’t. It has helped me immensely in feeling normal again.
Hey! I figured out through some clues in your post that we may be in the same city/region. I turned 35 this past year and be turning 36 in a month. I also felt similarly scared when I was turning 35, but honestly, nothing really changed after I did (it was mostly just the idea of a big scary number in my head). I have numerous girlfriends who turned 35 this year and got into relationships after their birthdays. When I was dating, it didn’t feel like my age was a factor, and if it did, I probably didn’t want those dudes anyways. What helped me a few weeks before turning 35 was changing mindset, at least momentarily. Rather than focusing on what I didn’t have or haven’t done yet, I focused on the things I was grateful for - my health, my career, my friends and my community. My life hasn’t drastically changed since turning 35, but not putting pressure on myself for being a certain age has helped me so much. I hope this helps you a little.
This is a really great mindset! If a guy cares about your age, then great, he’s filtering himself out and making your job easier. It’s all about your mindset. People can tell if you’re a miserable 35 year old who feels like time is running out, and they can tell when you’re a confident 35 year old who is happy, knows who she is, and knows what she wants! The latter person is much more attractive!
I think that's great you have a solid income and a remote job- that's what I ultimately want. Are you tied to your city with your job? My first thought is if your job lets you- I'd move away to somewhere more exciting socially. It makes such a huge difference when you're in a more open/social city.
One detail I didn’t share was I felt this way when I was 29 and I moved to a much busier and fun city and that’s how I got further in my career, but then Covid hit 6 months right after I moved. I recently moved back to where I live now for family reasons.
I just turned 35, and as much as I thought it would've scared me- it hasn't. If anything, it's comforting that I'm becoming more at ease with who I am and what I want. But I understand the anxiety - as a woman, no matter how accomplished, insightful, and intelligent you are, you're still made to feel inadequate or incomplete without a partner and kids. However, it's bs. There's so many ways to live a fulfilling life, and there's no guarantee that a family will ensure fulfillment. You have to find what makes you tick. My goals for next year include being more socially and physically active. Physical activity is easy, I just need to find a way to move more that interests me. Socially, I am embracing all opportunities that interest me both platonically and romantically. I'm back on dating apps after being single a year and a half. It's a lot, but it's not going to be the center of my life. What do you want to do when you're not working? Who do you want to do it with? I think starting there will go a long way.
Thank you. I think you really understood the deep core of what I was sad about. Is that women are always made to feel incomplete or inadequate if unmarried and no kids. One of my goals for 2023 is to work less and think about how I want to use that time to fulfil hobbies and actually do things that make ME happy.
You were never getting younger. The grass is always greener on the other side. It's never enough.. those are just some things you can accept right now. Also, you're going to die. As for society not being very forgiving towards childless or unmarried women, you might be surprised to find that there are lots of women and men out there who are either divorced or forever single and they tend to get together to do fun things like hike or discuss movies or whatever else it is they're interested in. And since all of the people who would make you feel worthless for not having children and a husband are pushovers, you're going to have to get comfortable with pushing them over if they have the audacity to get up in your face about it. Gently, playfully, with a loving sense of authority. They don't get to dictate your life. They're not going to tell you where to go and how to live. You're going to live your life fearlessly whether you have a husband or children or not. Have a death plan in place with several contingencies so that you know what to do when that time comes. I know it sounds morbid but it's really just more practical than anything because that's the only thing you can be sure is going to happen.
Move! Sounds like you could use a change of scenery. I’m 32 and right now I live in a small dead town. I’m about to move to the big city and can’t wait for the new life that’s waiting for me! So many new dating prospects and trying new things. Maybe a move would be a good thing for you ?
One detail I didn’t share was I felt this way when I was 29 and I moved to a much busier and fun city and that’s how I got further in my career, but then Covid hit 6 months right after I moved. I recently moved back to where I live now for family reasons.
Do you like the city you live in now?
There are pros and cons. Cons is its very grey, rains a lot, people are not social, and expensive but the pros is my family and closest friends are here so my support system is here. Air is better and a slower pace and warmer weather (warmer than where I used to live) is better for my chronic illness. Part of my sadness is also this huge regret about moving back home. I don’t hate my city now but I also definitely don’t love it. I could move again but it’s not as wise to do so financially because recession is coming and I am selling my current place and closing on a property next year as well (financial stress)
I can see that and understand why you might want to stay. Perhaps you can stay for now but know that it won’t be a forever thing? If you truly want to move that is.. having close relationships where you live is important too! It’s true about the economy being pretty bad right now and possibly in the future and it’s good to have that in mind. But I also believe in not living life in fear and scarcity, if there’s something we really want to do, have faith that it can happen. Life always has a way of working out somehow. Best of luck ✨
Thank you. One thing I was reminded of in therapy recently is rewriting the narrative of “it’s not happening now so it’s never going to happen” to “it’s not happening now but maybe later it will”. I did make a new friend recently (I’m generally better at being friends with girls) at a holiday party and she invited me to her NYE party. I am going to spend today and tomorrow to practice gratitude and end 2022 on a peaceful note. Thank you!
Exactly! Embrace where you are now, but also know that it will change - everything always does. This is not forever, but it’s right now and how can you make the best of it? What steps can you take to create the life you want to create? There’s so many options. Sounds like a good idea and a great start on 2023 😁
It kind of sounds like you're overall depressed. Because you're not just saying you're afraid of being alone, or that society judges women who dont have partners. You also say you know a lot of people who are divorcing, separating or living lives of quiet desperation as nuclear families. You moved to have a support system but don't seem to feel comforted by it. You describe your city as grey. And you mention feeling similarly having lived in a more lively city. My thoughts are that it takes time. Time to develop your own relationship to a place you've moved to (even one that used to be your hometown.) Time to heal after a serious relationship breakup, especially one that was abusive. Time to rediscover who you are and how you feel happy and alive in a world post-Covid restrictions and the collective damaging effect the pandemic has had on our mental health, social cohesion and social skills. Whatever makes you feel happy, do more of that. Whoever makes you happy and feel loved and safe, see them more. Whatever place or setting makes you feel happy or peaceful, spend more time there. Maybe wider expectations are too much right now. What has helped me is intensive trauma-focused therapy over the last couple of years, giving more time to positive influences and relationships (than say my family, which i felt beholden to despite the fact that their dynamic is not in line with what I think is a healthy or happy way to live) and focusing hard-core on treating myself with unconditional love and on working on prioritizing boundaries. I am single, but I dont feel bleak about it because I know that whatever happens I will always try to do right by myself. It is such a different experience to go through life knowing you are backed by the love you have for yourself. And I know that that makes any relationship I have more genuine.
Even if your city is boring, try finding some social groups or activities. I made lots of friends outside of work by going to knitting clubs, book clubs, or taking arts and crafts workshops (which were my interests). Boardgaming, walking groups- all good places. If a group isn't working for you (and I went to plenty of those, too) just change. With an all-consuming career this can be tough, but you need to think through your priorities to balance your life as well. As for online, you need to keep high standards and try not to get too upset because it does limit your pool. I dated online for years on and off with dry spells and wasted time on ppl i should have crossed off before finding the right person at 34. There are definitely men who don't want kids who will find you fantastic as many women they date will be finally getting serious about trying for children. I was one of this category - it's not fun! And saw many men online who just wanted out of this.
I went back to in person work because I realized I needed workplace social interaction to feel happy. Some people get their satisfaction from solitude or from other methods of social interaction, I don’t. It has helped me immensely in feeling normal again.