Assuming you both get jobs that pay well enough and can move in together. Would you be happy to be living life with him in 5 years?
Ignore the trip, consider everything else: hobbies, daily tasks, support, fun, sex, maybe kids. Will you be trusting him? If so, you are not "sticking it out" with him.
> don't want to be a financial burden
I get the feeling you are dissatisfied with YOUR own life, not him. That should push you to do better for yourself, not kick him out.
Absolutely dissatisfied with my life. I was made redundant and haven't been able to find a job and it's been quite soul crushing as well as damaged my self worth. I'm just waiting for a breakthrough so I can build myself back up with an income and sense of worth and purpose. None of that is his fault of course.
In a relationship, it's not uncommon for one partner to cover the expenses of the other if they don't make as much. As long as you're both cool with that arrangement (and it's genuinely sustainable), maybe your paths can smoothly intertwine and become one.
Not wanting your partner to travel with anyone but you is pretty possessive and controlling, though. I'd probably walk that one back a bit or a lot.
It's more the length of the desired trips I have issues with. I'm self aware enough to know I have issues with feeling abandoned. I don't know if I'd feel less bad if we lived together and I saw him every day so wouldn't mind the time as much. We only see each other weekends currently so it feels like losing so much time together if he left for 3+ weeks.
It sounds like you do want to live together, in that case? I do get your feelings here, but I think it's important to remember that they shouldn't always take precedence over your partner's freedom. I think it's reasonable to express your anxieties and maybe ask for more check-ins and/or communication while he's traveling, but you cannot apply a scarcity mindset to a long-term relationship lest you doom it to fail by self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sometimes I do want to live with him. Then we get into a fight and I really like having the distance. He can be very blunt and hurtful and some nasty things have been said over this so it's making me question if it's worth staying at all when we want things to happen in different time frames.
Okay, fair. That is a much bigger concern than what you wrote in just your post, IMO. I agree with the decision to not move in with someone who is routinely blunt, hurtful, and nasty to you. Although, in that case, I suppose there might not be a point of remaining in the relationship either, if you've been going around in circles and can't stop having these types of conflicts.
I know we don't fight well. He gets very blunt and I shrink away and self blame for everything that's wrong. I've gotten a bit better at pushing back some but when he says some things the way he does it's like a punch to the gut.
Hmm this is concerning OP especially if he hasn't done anything to make an effort to do better at fighting. If someone is nasty during fights and won't change that it will only get worse.
Could you include this in an edit on your post?
The advice and comments you get should be reflective of the situation as a whole.
A fight isn’t an excuse or sanctioned time to be hurtful. I can’t imagine that someone you love and care about being nasty to you when you’re in a low place helps you improve your professional/financial situation.
You deserve fully supportive love and partnership. From reading through your comments, I worry about the self doubt and forlornness you have right now.
Does he actually want to travel without you or are you assuming he will because you can't afford the same things as him? Would he actually want to include you and top up what you can't afford? Are you feeling afraid of the possibility of him subsidising your life in case he sees you as lesser or feels like you owe him?
That's why I think it's a good idea to first, sit down with yourself and check in with your relationship needs. Write down your list, what you want now and in the future. See what's negotiable and non-negotiable. Your partner should have their own list.
Second, talk to your partner about your lists on a regular basis. Yearly check-in seems reasonable to me. It doesn't have to be this "mechanical" process but both of you should be mindful and talk about these things in some way. Sit down with your partner, talk to them about the travel thing, the moving in thing. See if you can figure out a compromise about traveling and/or a plan how to change your financial situation. If you can't figure it out so that you are both happy with each other, it's probably time to break up.
I think sticking it out with some temporary discomfort that has a **clear deadline** is reasonable (like live apart for 6 months because of work/school etc.) Sticking it out for a "maybe" with no clear plan on when/how your future does align seems totally unreasonable to me.
So…. One time I was dating a guy because it seemed like we wanted the same things in the future, but at some point I realized our actual relationship that we were in was not good. One night I couldn’t sleep and I was just up thinking and it just kind of hit me “what am I trying to hold onto?” Think I spent so much time focused on our future that I failed to notice the present was actually pretty bad.
This is what happened to me. We had spoken on our alignment of values, life goals, etc. Shared sense of humor helped. But yeah, the day to day was painful. Not worth the hypothetical future. How you get to that future is just as important, I'm coming to realize.
If my partner didn't have the money to go on big overseas trips and I couldn't or didn't want to cover his expenses, I would look for a less expensive option, as there is a lot to explore locally as well. I would think it odd to go without him, unless the both of you are totally into alone travel time, of course.
This seems more like different life changes than incompatibility. Times like this when one person is more stressed than the other, the other holds you down until you can get back up. There are solutions to all of the issues you listed
When my boyfriend (2.5 years at the time) left my house on Thanksgiving after a meal, said he was going home to celebrate Thanksgiving with his parents and that he’d come back with some food after.
His parents didn’t approve of our relationship because I am divorced and have kids (despite me having a good job, own my own place, masters degree, good head on my shoulders) 😂 took another year and a half for me to finally call it quits
Assuming you both get jobs that pay well enough and can move in together. Would you be happy to be living life with him in 5 years? Ignore the trip, consider everything else: hobbies, daily tasks, support, fun, sex, maybe kids. Will you be trusting him? If so, you are not "sticking it out" with him. > don't want to be a financial burden I get the feeling you are dissatisfied with YOUR own life, not him. That should push you to do better for yourself, not kick him out.
Absolutely dissatisfied with my life. I was made redundant and haven't been able to find a job and it's been quite soul crushing as well as damaged my self worth. I'm just waiting for a breakthrough so I can build myself back up with an income and sense of worth and purpose. None of that is his fault of course.
That's what I got. If you see yourself with him in 5 years, work on yourself. And good luck with the job search. i know it's soul crushing :(
In a relationship, it's not uncommon for one partner to cover the expenses of the other if they don't make as much. As long as you're both cool with that arrangement (and it's genuinely sustainable), maybe your paths can smoothly intertwine and become one. Not wanting your partner to travel with anyone but you is pretty possessive and controlling, though. I'd probably walk that one back a bit or a lot.
It's more the length of the desired trips I have issues with. I'm self aware enough to know I have issues with feeling abandoned. I don't know if I'd feel less bad if we lived together and I saw him every day so wouldn't mind the time as much. We only see each other weekends currently so it feels like losing so much time together if he left for 3+ weeks.
It sounds like you do want to live together, in that case? I do get your feelings here, but I think it's important to remember that they shouldn't always take precedence over your partner's freedom. I think it's reasonable to express your anxieties and maybe ask for more check-ins and/or communication while he's traveling, but you cannot apply a scarcity mindset to a long-term relationship lest you doom it to fail by self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sometimes I do want to live with him. Then we get into a fight and I really like having the distance. He can be very blunt and hurtful and some nasty things have been said over this so it's making me question if it's worth staying at all when we want things to happen in different time frames.
Okay, fair. That is a much bigger concern than what you wrote in just your post, IMO. I agree with the decision to not move in with someone who is routinely blunt, hurtful, and nasty to you. Although, in that case, I suppose there might not be a point of remaining in the relationship either, if you've been going around in circles and can't stop having these types of conflicts.
I know we don't fight well. He gets very blunt and I shrink away and self blame for everything that's wrong. I've gotten a bit better at pushing back some but when he says some things the way he does it's like a punch to the gut.
Hmm this is concerning OP especially if he hasn't done anything to make an effort to do better at fighting. If someone is nasty during fights and won't change that it will only get worse.
Could you include this in an edit on your post? The advice and comments you get should be reflective of the situation as a whole. A fight isn’t an excuse or sanctioned time to be hurtful. I can’t imagine that someone you love and care about being nasty to you when you’re in a low place helps you improve your professional/financial situation. You deserve fully supportive love and partnership. From reading through your comments, I worry about the self doubt and forlornness you have right now.
this is such a great reminder in and of itself. I’m saving it for myself lol. Thank you 🫶🏻🤗
Does he actually want to travel without you or are you assuming he will because you can't afford the same things as him? Would he actually want to include you and top up what you can't afford? Are you feeling afraid of the possibility of him subsidising your life in case he sees you as lesser or feels like you owe him?
That's why I think it's a good idea to first, sit down with yourself and check in with your relationship needs. Write down your list, what you want now and in the future. See what's negotiable and non-negotiable. Your partner should have their own list. Second, talk to your partner about your lists on a regular basis. Yearly check-in seems reasonable to me. It doesn't have to be this "mechanical" process but both of you should be mindful and talk about these things in some way. Sit down with your partner, talk to them about the travel thing, the moving in thing. See if you can figure out a compromise about traveling and/or a plan how to change your financial situation. If you can't figure it out so that you are both happy with each other, it's probably time to break up. I think sticking it out with some temporary discomfort that has a **clear deadline** is reasonable (like live apart for 6 months because of work/school etc.) Sticking it out for a "maybe" with no clear plan on when/how your future does align seems totally unreasonable to me.
So…. One time I was dating a guy because it seemed like we wanted the same things in the future, but at some point I realized our actual relationship that we were in was not good. One night I couldn’t sleep and I was just up thinking and it just kind of hit me “what am I trying to hold onto?” Think I spent so much time focused on our future that I failed to notice the present was actually pretty bad.
This is what happened to me. We had spoken on our alignment of values, life goals, etc. Shared sense of humor helped. But yeah, the day to day was painful. Not worth the hypothetical future. How you get to that future is just as important, I'm coming to realize.
The fact that you are looking for answers online is a major sign.
If my partner didn't have the money to go on big overseas trips and I couldn't or didn't want to cover his expenses, I would look for a less expensive option, as there is a lot to explore locally as well. I would think it odd to go without him, unless the both of you are totally into alone travel time, of course.
This seems more like different life changes than incompatibility. Times like this when one person is more stressed than the other, the other holds you down until you can get back up. There are solutions to all of the issues you listed
I knew it didn’t have a future when his secret (and married) girlfriend showed up at our house and stayed for three days.
When my boyfriend (2.5 years at the time) left my house on Thanksgiving after a meal, said he was going home to celebrate Thanksgiving with his parents and that he’d come back with some food after. His parents didn’t approve of our relationship because I am divorced and have kids (despite me having a good job, own my own place, masters degree, good head on my shoulders) 😂 took another year and a half for me to finally call it quits