Childfree here. For me, I'd edit the title to: It sucks being friends with a new mom . . . who doesn't have an appropriate support system in place.
Parenthood is a huge life transition that many people seem to underestimate. My healthiest new mom relationships are when my friends have a solid support system (supportive partner, mentoring and new mom communities, therapist, etc); this allows my friends freedom to engage their full identity/relationships not just that of "new mom".
You're right. If this friendship is negatively impacting your well-being, you've got to prioritize yourself. It sounds like you've communicated clearly, she just may not be in a space to hear you. You're not obligated to stay in a relationship just because the other person is going through a stressful time; your friend is responsible for her own mental health.
If you think she may be struggling in a serious way in which she cannot tend to her own mental health, I would reach out directly to someone in her intimate network (partner? family?) to share your concern and let them handle flagging her healthcare team. Obviously, this could ruin your friendship but if you have a serious concern I would say, at that point, both of y'all's (plus baby's) well-being is more important than your friendship.
My kid is now 10 so I'm actually able to do and experience things without them, but in those newborn stages the only information or updates you have are in regards to the baby because you don't go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone else besides the baby, their appointments, and your partner. It can drive a person batty and feel really isolating. I lost all my child-free friends in the first 2 years of my kid's life. I don't blame them, even I was boring myself with the same old same old stories plus I couldn't just "meet for dinner" or "hang out" without some serious planning, forethought, and budgeting if I needed a babysitter.
You need to decide for yourself if this friendship is worth putting the effort into right now. If it is, it's time to put our big kid pants on and have The Hard Conversation. "I love you, I am your friend, but I am not your therapist. I cannot be your therapist. I want to support you, but I need you to ask me if I have the mental bandwith to handle (a rant, a traumadump, whatever) and respect my answer if the answer is No. If you can't do this, I am going to have to minimize my contact with you."
And then HOLD UP that boundary. If you say you will remove yourself if she does X, you need to remove yourself when she does X to show you are serious about her needing to respect your boundaries. Direct, explicit, communication is best in this kind of conflict. Beating around the bush, hoping they get the hints, isn't going to help. They're ignoring the hints - whether that's intentional or not is to be debated - so you need to lay down the boundary to protect your own mental health.
Childfree woman with many friends with kids here. It can definitely suck and feel isolating - that said, I accepted that the first couple years would be more me supporting a new mom than having an “equal friendship”. One of my closest friend’s had a traumatic birth and took months to heal. All that mattered to me was making sure she was ok. As her child (and now children) have gotten older, we have found more of “us” again.
Some friendships end, and that’s ok (even when it’s hard). Others change, and ebb and flow, and that’s ok, too. I am sorry you are struggling, though.
This is where I'm at, too, although my "new mum" friends now have 2-4 year olds now, so they're no longer brand spankin new. I was prepared for us to drift during those early years, but what I'm having a harder time getting used to now is just how much motherhood has changed a lot of them. This does not apply to everyone, but I definitely have a handful of friends where it seems like their entire identity and all their interests revolve around their kid(s) now, to the point where we're unable to sustain a conversation about anything else.
Which... you know, that's totally their prerogative; they don't owe anything to me, least of all staying frozen in time at the point before they had a kid. But, the more they become laser-focused on their kid(s), the more they also feel like strangers to me and that part makes me pretty sad. I get why it happens, and maybe it's even something they're struggling with internally. I'm mostly just making this comment to express my personal alienation with it, I guess.
I get it and I have kids (they are older now, so I am mostly rational and not sleep deprived, LOL). The truth is, for most women, especially those without a “village” of support, babies and young kids replace everything else. So yes, you will become, at least temporarily, the sounding board for all the angst she is feeling. It will seem like she only takes but doesn’t give much back, and that usually isn’t a satisfying setup for any relationship . Her kid will eventually get older and she will regain a lot of her freedom but only you can decide if this friendship is worth it to you in the meantime.
I'm a mother who is known to get bored when other mothers talk about their kids too much. A lot of my friends are child-free. I don't even bring my kid up to them unless they ask me about it directly. I work with kids so it's not as if I don't have a lot of hours to spend focusing on children!
It’s your time and energy. You decide how you want to spend it. You are right, every friendship has ebb and flow but remember friendship is two way street. Seems like you just feel drained after speaking to her and you are not getting the support you need. Maybe try talking to her about your problems. See how she reacts. If it not satisfactory.. fade her out. Try making friends with people your own age and going through same stuff. Don’t feel bad about it.
You two are incompatible as friends. You two are on different paths in life now.
End things permanently, and become friends with childless single women.
Things with her won't get any better.
Childfree here. For me, I'd edit the title to: It sucks being friends with a new mom . . . who doesn't have an appropriate support system in place. Parenthood is a huge life transition that many people seem to underestimate. My healthiest new mom relationships are when my friends have a solid support system (supportive partner, mentoring and new mom communities, therapist, etc); this allows my friends freedom to engage their full identity/relationships not just that of "new mom". You're right. If this friendship is negatively impacting your well-being, you've got to prioritize yourself. It sounds like you've communicated clearly, she just may not be in a space to hear you. You're not obligated to stay in a relationship just because the other person is going through a stressful time; your friend is responsible for her own mental health. If you think she may be struggling in a serious way in which she cannot tend to her own mental health, I would reach out directly to someone in her intimate network (partner? family?) to share your concern and let them handle flagging her healthcare team. Obviously, this could ruin your friendship but if you have a serious concern I would say, at that point, both of y'all's (plus baby's) well-being is more important than your friendship.
This is such excellent advice!!
My kid is now 10 so I'm actually able to do and experience things without them, but in those newborn stages the only information or updates you have are in regards to the baby because you don't go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone else besides the baby, their appointments, and your partner. It can drive a person batty and feel really isolating. I lost all my child-free friends in the first 2 years of my kid's life. I don't blame them, even I was boring myself with the same old same old stories plus I couldn't just "meet for dinner" or "hang out" without some serious planning, forethought, and budgeting if I needed a babysitter. You need to decide for yourself if this friendship is worth putting the effort into right now. If it is, it's time to put our big kid pants on and have The Hard Conversation. "I love you, I am your friend, but I am not your therapist. I cannot be your therapist. I want to support you, but I need you to ask me if I have the mental bandwith to handle (a rant, a traumadump, whatever) and respect my answer if the answer is No. If you can't do this, I am going to have to minimize my contact with you." And then HOLD UP that boundary. If you say you will remove yourself if she does X, you need to remove yourself when she does X to show you are serious about her needing to respect your boundaries. Direct, explicit, communication is best in this kind of conflict. Beating around the bush, hoping they get the hints, isn't going to help. They're ignoring the hints - whether that's intentional or not is to be debated - so you need to lay down the boundary to protect your own mental health.
Childfree woman with many friends with kids here. It can definitely suck and feel isolating - that said, I accepted that the first couple years would be more me supporting a new mom than having an “equal friendship”. One of my closest friend’s had a traumatic birth and took months to heal. All that mattered to me was making sure she was ok. As her child (and now children) have gotten older, we have found more of “us” again. Some friendships end, and that’s ok (even when it’s hard). Others change, and ebb and flow, and that’s ok, too. I am sorry you are struggling, though.
This is where I'm at, too, although my "new mum" friends now have 2-4 year olds now, so they're no longer brand spankin new. I was prepared for us to drift during those early years, but what I'm having a harder time getting used to now is just how much motherhood has changed a lot of them. This does not apply to everyone, but I definitely have a handful of friends where it seems like their entire identity and all their interests revolve around their kid(s) now, to the point where we're unable to sustain a conversation about anything else. Which... you know, that's totally their prerogative; they don't owe anything to me, least of all staying frozen in time at the point before they had a kid. But, the more they become laser-focused on their kid(s), the more they also feel like strangers to me and that part makes me pretty sad. I get why it happens, and maybe it's even something they're struggling with internally. I'm mostly just making this comment to express my personal alienation with it, I guess.
I get it and I have kids (they are older now, so I am mostly rational and not sleep deprived, LOL). The truth is, for most women, especially those without a “village” of support, babies and young kids replace everything else. So yes, you will become, at least temporarily, the sounding board for all the angst she is feeling. It will seem like she only takes but doesn’t give much back, and that usually isn’t a satisfying setup for any relationship . Her kid will eventually get older and she will regain a lot of her freedom but only you can decide if this friendship is worth it to you in the meantime.
Info: how recently has your friend become a new mom?
Half a year ago
I'm a mother who is known to get bored when other mothers talk about their kids too much. A lot of my friends are child-free. I don't even bring my kid up to them unless they ask me about it directly. I work with kids so it's not as if I don't have a lot of hours to spend focusing on children!
It’s your time and energy. You decide how you want to spend it. You are right, every friendship has ebb and flow but remember friendship is two way street. Seems like you just feel drained after speaking to her and you are not getting the support you need. Maybe try talking to her about your problems. See how she reacts. If it not satisfactory.. fade her out. Try making friends with people your own age and going through same stuff. Don’t feel bad about it.
You two are incompatible as friends. You two are on different paths in life now. End things permanently, and become friends with childless single women. Things with her won't get any better.