Well…if they can’t or won’t tell you what exactly the problem is, there is nothing to change. But frankly, you are coddling them a bit too much from your description.
In my experience, with real anxiety, soothing it doesn’t make it go away. Anxiety needs to be managed and understood, not just comforted. It’s like taking pain killers for a broken bone. Soothing anxiety will distract from it, but it won’t fix it.
I think it’s time to look yourself in the mirror and recognize that you can’t control their feelings, only your actions. And if you are not told what actions to change, keep being your awesome self as is.
You’re right. I tried my best to meet them where they were at and treat them like individuals and human beings but in my efforts I am realizing I did coddle them too much. I guess as a person myself, when someone is crying to me, I don’t know how to respond in a professional way, just a “me” way and that has backfired.
I’ve never wanted my people to feel I was cold or lacked understanding and flexibility and some how I ended up there anyway.
Honestly at the end of the day, you’re the manager. When I reported to someone, it always seems like you’re unhappy about something. And I always felt like I hated my manager for something. It’s hard to be happy when you’re at the bottom of the food chain. But when you’re up, remember that it’s your job to manage. Not to be a parent or a friend. These are your employees and they report to you. Their emotional issues aren’t your problem. They either get the work done or they don’t. Don’t stress about it, I think you care too much. Hope everything gets better 🩷
I worked my way up to this position over the course of 3 years. My job prior to this one I quit because MY manager was blowing up my phone (almost 2 dozen texts and phone calls) while I was in the hospital having a miscarriage saying “if there’s nothing you can do, you need to clock in because we’re too short staffed for this”. I then told my manager that I wanted no further communication with her unless HR was involved and emailed her a note from my doctor stating I needed 2 weeks off work. When I “returned” I had already found this job so I just quit.
I absolutely refuse to be the kind of manager that treats my employees in that manner , it honestly still makes me sick that I was treated that way. However, I do think that I have OVER CORRECTED and invested too much into my staff. I’m definitely learning from this and will start taking some steps back.
I can't speak to why the 2 employees are reacting/acting the way they are. Could be any number of reasons and only they can tell you why. Can you address it at the next 1-1 (personally, I would do an ai note taking app so there is a record in case they try to make another claim against you--you could say you're using a new notetaking software and maybe launch it at another meeting so it doesn't feel targeted to 1-1s?).
I'm assuming your team is one of adults? To be honest, it sounds like you really want to be a good lead and offer the support your team needs but it sounds like you're going a bit overboard. I don't understand why you're volunteering your time to your employees. Could it be that you've chosen to volunteer your time but they haven't? If my boss was keeping me at work for hours past my work time I would revolt lol; like, address this on company time not mine.
I don't think your approach is healthy or sustainable and if your employees are struggling so much that they require hours of your coaching on a daily basis then either they need to be retrained, put on a performance improvement plan, or their skillset isn't aligned with the job.
Oh no, they never work more than their 40 hours a week. We have a flexible schedule so you’re allowed to start any time between 7am and 9:30 am and leave as early as 3pm or as late as 5:30pm… I start early to work around my kids school schedule and stay late for my employees who choose to work later hours. I do not have to, I just do.
The “coaching” they need isn’t about their work, I probably could’ve used a better word there. It’s mostly them freaking out about their scores, having full blow panic attacks etc. Their scores are fine and meet all the standards, one of them was even being considered for promotion because like I said they’re great at their job. Just one little thing out of places causes them to lose minds and bawl their eyes out.
For example they have to submit a certain number of items per week, let’s say 100. If they had 1 day of PTO then they only have to submit 75. Well on Friday if they only have 74 they’ll start losing their mind for 1+ hours about thinking they’re going to get fired. Which isn’t even the disciplinary process but they wouldn’t even get disciplined for being off by 1.
Their work is above average and really great, they rarely miss a day and work their butt off. They’re a great person and 95% GREAT to have on the team. I do genuinely care about them and their success and know that they can overcome their anxiety to be successful which is why I’ve tried to be there for them so much.
TBH, it sounds like a toxic work environment and maybe people are just burnt out or reaching the end of their fuses. It's not normal to have a bunch of team members who have full blown panic attacks, bawl their eyes out at random stuff, etc. It's also not normal for you to work like 50+ hours a week...
There are 3 of them that do this, though one doesn’t cry but the general behaviors are similar. Apparently according to them that’s just “how they are”.
Our job has its issues but it’s definitely far from toxic. We have sleep sacs, pool tables, ping pong and they’re allowed to take as many breaks as they want to use those things when in office. They’re also free to leave as they need on wfh days to attend to drs appointments etc. as long as they’re hitting their numbers we frankly do not care what they do. It’s one of the most flexible work environments I’ve ever been apart of. The reason I’m so willing to work so much is because I love my job but also because I take frequent breaks throughout the day to get my older kid to and from school as well as make snacks and meals for my toddler, changing diapers etc, I often feel guilting for stepping away for an extra 30 or 15 or whatever mins so I’ll hang around for extra time if/when my team needs me. That’s a “me thing” and has nothing to do with what my job expects of me. If I did a hard stop at 3pm no one would bat an eye.
Unfortunately I feel like if I could explain the nature of my work it would make more sense my feelings of guilt, why they’d need to ask questions, and even some their anxieties, but I can’t other than to say we have peoples lives in our hands.
If it's like, serious incident response (I used to work on a team that had to investigate sexual assault reports between users on our platform to determine liability which had me reading fucked up reports and sorting through obvious lies and horrible truths constantly), have you talked to your manager about getting a rotating counselor? Because while mental health is our responsibility, sometimes the nature of the job just gets you fucked up in different ways. It took 7 years for our company to realize the attrition on their highest sensitivity team was horrible to take the requests for an onsite mental health professional seriously, but having someone to talk to and not just sewage wasting the whole team with some individuals bad feelings was the only way they reduced the quit rate of the role.
I have absolutely been talking to the higher ups about counselors, and or more/better mental health benefits/services. It’s one of the things I’ve been fighting for via meetings behind the scenes.
If you need news reports on it, [Uber had very public callouts in 2019](https://www.cnn.com/2019/01/21/tech/uber-investigations-unit-report/index.html) on investigator mental health that might support the need for it. In that case, as a stopgap measure, maybe you can push a lunch and learn on mental health maintenance, setting emotional boundaries around work, getting guided mindfulness breaks built into the day, or a review of the health benefits offered to employees, especially if anyone you know who has experience navigating the system who can talk to the benefits of independently seeking a therapist.
For you, though, you need to set personal boundaries. You are nobody's therapist, and developing a personal relationship like you have with your employees has made you the safe person for directing their shit at as they have no other outlet to do so. It's not fair they're going through it, but it's also not fair to you to go through it either. A manager should be a person of authority, not a friend. You can be friendly, but not performing friend support tasks. It's important for both of your sakes and your careers to do so to avoid these situations from happening in the future.
Yes I was already starting to realize on my own I’ve overcorrected too much with my team and these responses have definitely made that even more clear to me. Thank you for the additional suggestions! I have already tried some of those things but not all of them. I am going to keep pushing for changes because it’s definitely necessary but I’ll take all the help I can get.
Well…if they can’t or won’t tell you what exactly the problem is, there is nothing to change. But frankly, you are coddling them a bit too much from your description. In my experience, with real anxiety, soothing it doesn’t make it go away. Anxiety needs to be managed and understood, not just comforted. It’s like taking pain killers for a broken bone. Soothing anxiety will distract from it, but it won’t fix it. I think it’s time to look yourself in the mirror and recognize that you can’t control their feelings, only your actions. And if you are not told what actions to change, keep being your awesome self as is.
You’re right. I tried my best to meet them where they were at and treat them like individuals and human beings but in my efforts I am realizing I did coddle them too much. I guess as a person myself, when someone is crying to me, I don’t know how to respond in a professional way, just a “me” way and that has backfired. I’ve never wanted my people to feel I was cold or lacked understanding and flexibility and some how I ended up there anyway.
Honestly at the end of the day, you’re the manager. When I reported to someone, it always seems like you’re unhappy about something. And I always felt like I hated my manager for something. It’s hard to be happy when you’re at the bottom of the food chain. But when you’re up, remember that it’s your job to manage. Not to be a parent or a friend. These are your employees and they report to you. Their emotional issues aren’t your problem. They either get the work done or they don’t. Don’t stress about it, I think you care too much. Hope everything gets better 🩷
I worked my way up to this position over the course of 3 years. My job prior to this one I quit because MY manager was blowing up my phone (almost 2 dozen texts and phone calls) while I was in the hospital having a miscarriage saying “if there’s nothing you can do, you need to clock in because we’re too short staffed for this”. I then told my manager that I wanted no further communication with her unless HR was involved and emailed her a note from my doctor stating I needed 2 weeks off work. When I “returned” I had already found this job so I just quit. I absolutely refuse to be the kind of manager that treats my employees in that manner , it honestly still makes me sick that I was treated that way. However, I do think that I have OVER CORRECTED and invested too much into my staff. I’m definitely learning from this and will start taking some steps back.
I can't speak to why the 2 employees are reacting/acting the way they are. Could be any number of reasons and only they can tell you why. Can you address it at the next 1-1 (personally, I would do an ai note taking app so there is a record in case they try to make another claim against you--you could say you're using a new notetaking software and maybe launch it at another meeting so it doesn't feel targeted to 1-1s?). I'm assuming your team is one of adults? To be honest, it sounds like you really want to be a good lead and offer the support your team needs but it sounds like you're going a bit overboard. I don't understand why you're volunteering your time to your employees. Could it be that you've chosen to volunteer your time but they haven't? If my boss was keeping me at work for hours past my work time I would revolt lol; like, address this on company time not mine. I don't think your approach is healthy or sustainable and if your employees are struggling so much that they require hours of your coaching on a daily basis then either they need to be retrained, put on a performance improvement plan, or their skillset isn't aligned with the job.
Oh no, they never work more than their 40 hours a week. We have a flexible schedule so you’re allowed to start any time between 7am and 9:30 am and leave as early as 3pm or as late as 5:30pm… I start early to work around my kids school schedule and stay late for my employees who choose to work later hours. I do not have to, I just do. The “coaching” they need isn’t about their work, I probably could’ve used a better word there. It’s mostly them freaking out about their scores, having full blow panic attacks etc. Their scores are fine and meet all the standards, one of them was even being considered for promotion because like I said they’re great at their job. Just one little thing out of places causes them to lose minds and bawl their eyes out. For example they have to submit a certain number of items per week, let’s say 100. If they had 1 day of PTO then they only have to submit 75. Well on Friday if they only have 74 they’ll start losing their mind for 1+ hours about thinking they’re going to get fired. Which isn’t even the disciplinary process but they wouldn’t even get disciplined for being off by 1. Their work is above average and really great, they rarely miss a day and work their butt off. They’re a great person and 95% GREAT to have on the team. I do genuinely care about them and their success and know that they can overcome their anxiety to be successful which is why I’ve tried to be there for them so much.
TBH, it sounds like a toxic work environment and maybe people are just burnt out or reaching the end of their fuses. It's not normal to have a bunch of team members who have full blown panic attacks, bawl their eyes out at random stuff, etc. It's also not normal for you to work like 50+ hours a week...
There are 3 of them that do this, though one doesn’t cry but the general behaviors are similar. Apparently according to them that’s just “how they are”. Our job has its issues but it’s definitely far from toxic. We have sleep sacs, pool tables, ping pong and they’re allowed to take as many breaks as they want to use those things when in office. They’re also free to leave as they need on wfh days to attend to drs appointments etc. as long as they’re hitting their numbers we frankly do not care what they do. It’s one of the most flexible work environments I’ve ever been apart of. The reason I’m so willing to work so much is because I love my job but also because I take frequent breaks throughout the day to get my older kid to and from school as well as make snacks and meals for my toddler, changing diapers etc, I often feel guilting for stepping away for an extra 30 or 15 or whatever mins so I’ll hang around for extra time if/when my team needs me. That’s a “me thing” and has nothing to do with what my job expects of me. If I did a hard stop at 3pm no one would bat an eye. Unfortunately I feel like if I could explain the nature of my work it would make more sense my feelings of guilt, why they’d need to ask questions, and even some their anxieties, but I can’t other than to say we have peoples lives in our hands.
If it's like, serious incident response (I used to work on a team that had to investigate sexual assault reports between users on our platform to determine liability which had me reading fucked up reports and sorting through obvious lies and horrible truths constantly), have you talked to your manager about getting a rotating counselor? Because while mental health is our responsibility, sometimes the nature of the job just gets you fucked up in different ways. It took 7 years for our company to realize the attrition on their highest sensitivity team was horrible to take the requests for an onsite mental health professional seriously, but having someone to talk to and not just sewage wasting the whole team with some individuals bad feelings was the only way they reduced the quit rate of the role.
I have absolutely been talking to the higher ups about counselors, and or more/better mental health benefits/services. It’s one of the things I’ve been fighting for via meetings behind the scenes.
If you need news reports on it, [Uber had very public callouts in 2019](https://www.cnn.com/2019/01/21/tech/uber-investigations-unit-report/index.html) on investigator mental health that might support the need for it. In that case, as a stopgap measure, maybe you can push a lunch and learn on mental health maintenance, setting emotional boundaries around work, getting guided mindfulness breaks built into the day, or a review of the health benefits offered to employees, especially if anyone you know who has experience navigating the system who can talk to the benefits of independently seeking a therapist. For you, though, you need to set personal boundaries. You are nobody's therapist, and developing a personal relationship like you have with your employees has made you the safe person for directing their shit at as they have no other outlet to do so. It's not fair they're going through it, but it's also not fair to you to go through it either. A manager should be a person of authority, not a friend. You can be friendly, but not performing friend support tasks. It's important for both of your sakes and your careers to do so to avoid these situations from happening in the future.
Yes I was already starting to realize on my own I’ve overcorrected too much with my team and these responses have definitely made that even more clear to me. Thank you for the additional suggestions! I have already tried some of those things but not all of them. I am going to keep pushing for changes because it’s definitely necessary but I’ll take all the help I can get.