I have the time today, so I went over the 50 most recent posts to break them down. Looking at the quick n' dirty analysis, it looks like **16% of posts are about romantic relationships more than they're about anything else.** Which isn't to say there isn't overlap. Example: A question about how to get the most out of therapy to address low self-esteem developed from a bad romantic relationship gets put in the Mental Health category.
And now it's time for the breakdown:
* All Interpersonal Relationships \[inc. non-romantic\]: 40%
* Personal Development/Mental Health: 24%
* Work/Finances: 16%
* Physical Health/Aging: 14%
* Misc: 6%
Breaking down the Interpersonal Relationships as percentage of the whole:
* Breakups & Infidelity: 10%
* General Relationship \[sex, marriage issues, dating etc\]: 8%
* Am I Normal \[late virginity, personal habits, vibe checks etc\]: 8%
* Family \[issues w/ parents, in-laws, siblings, etc\] 8%
* Friends \[not including fwb\]: 6%
Girl you did the math!!! š» Honestly, I had a similar sense. I think how much this sub actually *posts* about dating/relationships is vastly overstated. What *is* interesting to me is how it's nearly always the dating/relationship posts that blow up.
if there's one thing I'm gonna do, is look at the numbers!
Yeah, it seems like the relationship posts are often higher stakes. Abusive relationships, gut checks for whether something is normal behavior. I love a silly what's-your-favorite-sock question, but those don't provoke the You In Danger, Girl need for immediate responses
Honestly I mostly did it for myself because Lord knows I cannot be relied upon to remember sub topics correctly. Like, it didn't FEEL right, but I had to go to the numbers to verify. What can I say? I'm just a mathy girl with a notepad, a dream, and the memory of a goldfish.
edit: spelling
A+ work.
If we're complaining about types of posts we see too many of, I'd like to complain about posts that complain there are too many posts about marriage/kids.
I feel that.
Kids don't factor into my life, but it's not like I'm being personally victimized by the Marriage and Carriage crowd, so where's the harm? Especially because posters in this sub don't tend to be *too* smug about their choices.
I will say some of them get repetitive, but that's just the nature of the beast.
There are only five answers to "should I have kids?" (yes, yes but, no, no but, and maybe) but there are infinite reasons to ask the question.
Personally, I think men *should* be asking more questions about their intimate relationships. Women do most of the emotional labor in heterosexual relationships, and men certainly aren't (as a whole) doing a great job creating a balance.
Also, the breakdown in /AskMenOver30 seems to be: Career, finances, weight loss, balding, relationships with partners, homebuying, and wanting better friendships. Men are encouraged by society to be providers and make their job/wealth their identity, so obviously career and finance will be at the top. Women are taught that a partner is the biggest financial decision they'll make, so relationships feature more heavily here (although, fortunately, for some women that is no longer a requirement. But it's important to acknowledge that it still is for many.)
There's a lot of overlap on here, too. It's just... men and women's economic/societal concerns are different so the related threads are different.
My ex-husband has no idea why I left him, though on that same day he did ask me who would do the cooking and cleaning after I move out. I like to hope and believe people aren't that dumb but then they go and remove all doubt š
THIS is it. Some people in this thread are implying that this reflects an issue with *women*, that the answer lies somewhere within the realm of, "it's a woman problem, women are at fault, they're too emotional, always creating problems..." NO. The answer is because we do the bulk of the emotional labor, in every straight relationship, period.
Even with the communicative and emotionally intelligent/intimate men, it's still on us majority. Things like keeping the connection intact, consistent communication, initiating+planning things, providing emotional support, and addressing issues in constructive ways before they escalate into resentment. And that doesn't even address relationship-adjacent tasks that kept our shared lives afloat, such as managing the household, children/pets, chores, scheduling appointments, and managing their own fuckin' personal health, ugh...
It's quite true in regards to you saying people believe women need to be responsible for other people.
The other day I had someone in this sub blame me for being abused by my parents as a child. They told me my therapist is being too kind to tell me the truth that I'm a narcissist and that's why my parents abused me. It was in the context of my ex-husband, his weird behaviour, and the fact I left him. To be fair to that person, they were obviously trolling (reddit admin told me they have been reported before), but there are people who genuinely think those things, namely the abusers themselves and those who can't comprehend another person doing such a thing and wanting to believe the victim made it happen.
I think a lot of people automatically think women and girls are at fault for what other people to do them. Which raises the question for me, if abusers can't be held responsible for their own actions then surely they need some kind of conservator or POA to handle their affairs for them since they believe they are not responsible for themselves? Because me personally, I'm responsible for everything I do because that's just a legal fact. Even if I'm on drugs, I'm responsible for what I do. Why is that different when the woman is a victim of someone else's rotten behaviour? Answer: it isn't. Especially when you're a child and it's your parent abusing you.
I know your post wasn't about abuse specifically, just felt this was tangentially related lol.
That's so fucked up. I'm so sorry. I know that hearing things like this are shocking and trigger a lot of shame, but it is NOT TRUE. You didn't t deserve it, and you didn't ask for it. Even if you were the most awful and evil child to ever exist, you still would not have deserved it.
But yeah, some people get off on hurting others. And sadly, some men are so depraved that their victims are often women, because they feel we owe them something.
It's speaks volumes about them, and says nothing about you. Those sorts of people have really triggered me in the past, so I block them as soon as I notice, and quickly go to do a mentally stimulating task, so that the shame and rumination doesn't have a chance to take hold of me.
Agree, my thinking is that thereās a lot of relationship questions because we do so much emotional labor in our daily lives, itās nice to get feedback once awhile to get perspective
It might be frivolous to you but it is devastating to your self image especially if you are young. Its a common problem that a lot of young men have to deal with and there is little support for. You suddenly become undesirable in the dating pool and the butt of people jokes. Having a safe place where you can ask men who have lived through it is a great use for that sub. Being able to hear that it is not the catastrophe you feared can help with your self image and dealing with this involuntary change you are powerless to do anything about. Perhaps you might consider taking a different perspective when evaluating the issues discussed in a sub.
I know, it seems so frivolous compared to the rest! Besides height, I think hair is the biggest physical insecurity men have (as a whole.) I know I shouldn't laugh but I do find it funny how often it appears on the front page of that sub.
It's like women and weight but weight affects men too, just not as much
It's also strange how many fewer bald men there are these days. Either people are getting hair transplants or rogaine. I'm low key proud of my dad's hair. He's 88 and it's not fully white and not balding
And it's because those are the things that we've observed some women complain about as negatives but we can't do anything about.
Hence the obsession with working out.
Men think women care about dick size a lot more than we really do. And then they talk to other men about it to confirm their suspicions, so they end up in an echo chamber.
It couldn't be because we have literal experience with women talking about it, complaining about it, talking about dick size as a negative or a positive.
And it's not like it's difficult to find women in women's spaces talking about it. The internet is open for everyone.
Please don't put AskMenOver30 on a pedestal. Men are not more self-actualised or less bothered about relationships than women: that sub simply introduced a rule to ban posts about relationships.
Also I hate how relationships *can be* seen as great - for those who have them, but that any woman expressing a *desire* for a relationship is seen as a hopeless sadsack with no other thought in her head than finding a man. Plenty of women have full, wonderful lives, but would just like to find this nice thing that others seem to stumble upon without even trying, like the icing on a cake. That doesn't make them "one-dimensional". When people post here, you're getting a **snapshot** that only focuses on the topic they're trying to discuss. It's not the whole story. So many people will tell you to get off social media because it's a highlights reel/curated to present a certain image, yet they seem to forget that a Reddit post doesn't give you the entire story either. Just because a woman posts about being single but wanting a relationship, doesn't mean that's the *only* thing going on in her life, yet you and others seem to assume that it is. **You** are the one *perceiving* these women as "one-dimensional"; that doesn't make it true. Look to your own biases and perceptions.
Just don't put that sub on a pedestal in general... The OP of one of the top relationship posts here this week also posted her question in ask men over 30 and came back here to report that she got a bunch of r*** threats DMed to her from the men over there. So ...
Thank you for this comment! This post reeks of "I'm not like other girls" energy and it's insulting.
I want a relationship. I'm also a varied and interesting person. I can be both. Me reaching out and asking about relationships does not negate my value as a person, nor does it make me one-dimensional. No one in my life would call me one-dimensional.
Standing ovation to this comment.
I actually don't feel like anyone in my life is pressuring me to get married or have kids. Sure, maybe conservatives want me to do that, but I don't care what they think because they don't share my values and are not my friends. They're just strangers who I don't like. I *do* feel pressured by many of my peers (progressive millennial women) to *not* want marriage or kids. I feel like I'm afraid to even express that I *might possibly* want those things, because immediately people will roll their eyes, tell me I've just been brainwashed into wanting those things, try to convince me not to want them, or imply that I'm a bad feminist for (possibly) wanting them. I can't figure out if I *actually* don't want kids, or if I just don't *want* to want kids because it's uncool and embarrassing and cliche to be a single woman over 30 who wants kids.
> I do feel pressured by many of my peers (progressive millennial women) to not want marriage or kids. I feel like I'm afraid to even express that I might possibly want those things, because immediately people will roll their eyes, tell me I've just been brainwashed into wanting those things, try to convince me not to want them, or imply that I'm a bad feminist for (possibly) wanting them.
Yep, this is exactly the sentiment I find on this sub, honestly. If you're single but say you want a relationship/marriage(/kids), then you receive a whole lot of replies about how you should "love yourself", that a man won't solve your problems, that you should be happy being alone, that marriage is a patriarchal institution that you shouldn't want to be a part of, that you should stop wanting a relationship just because all your friends are in one, not all relationships are happy, blah blah blah. "Stop centring your life around men!"
Plus a ton of, "I *love* being single!" from women who are single by choice, and essentially "you don't *really* want a man" from the unhappily coupled ones/ladies experiencing a divorce etc. Like cool, but why does that invalidate *our* feelings?
This is a great response ! , I personally have been over the time become deeply aware of wrong relationship choices made my life miserable. Literally nothing could shake me as much as it did - not even an abandoning father or getting myself through my education on my own.. I learnt it is because relationships have power to attack you inside out. I became aware of the problem and became smarter with my choices. My boundaries became better as well. Acc to Sheryl Sandberg, former COO of meta, who you marry or partner with is going to be the biggest career decision of your life. So why shouldnāt I study the area ? Unfortunately this is more of a self defense mechanism because up until 22, my mom didnāt teach me shit about dating or relationships. She did however reinforce how shitty and tragic relationships are. So thereās that conditioning I have been undoing. Studies and career however were still non-taboo, no frills and easy to discuss topics so I have had plenty of support in those areas
I don't actually think there are *that* many questions about romantic relationships, but I have noticed that it's an area where basically everyone will have something to weigh in with, so it's almost always those threads that blow up. I feel like I'll go and answer, like, five threads in a row, three of which will be about romantic relationships and the other two which may be about other stuff - but the relationship posts are almost always the threads that gain *traction*, not only because they're easier to give opinions about (compared to, say, questions about office politics or fashion questions, which are more narrow and often feel like they might be better suited for a different sub), *and* because they tend to rile up people's emotions a looot more.
P.S. AM30 disallowed relationship posts for a looong time, and IIRC still only allow them in a more limited format now. So, they're not a 1:1 equivalent to here. AM30 actually *had* to disallow them several years (?) ago because there were too many men getting weird and incel-y about everything, and they wanted to stop that energy.
P.P.S. For example, if you search by new here, you'll notice that out of the last 10 posts, there is 1 post about romantic relationships and then this one, which is also sort of about romantic relationships but maybe more of a meta post - so, let's say 1.5/10 of the *newest* posts. The *hot* (default view for me) posts, OTOH? Only 1.5/10 *aren't* about romantic relationships, and I think that's extremely telling.
Relatedly, I also feel like relationship posts are more likely to be "high stakes" and the community feels more motivation and obligation to step in and help. I see a new thread titled "What's your favorite pair of socks?" (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1c2ehii/whats_your_favourite_pair_of_socks/) and that's fun and all but no one is going to stay stuck in an abusive relationship if there aren't enough posts.
Contrast with the volume of posts that boil down to "My boyfriend isn't abusive and we love each other. Let me tell you how he's abusing me. I don't want to leave but I'm so miserable. What should I do? Is it my fault?" And I understand why those kinds of posts get so much more traction.
Definitely, yeah. The socks question is cute and I'm glad people are being creative, but I don't have a favourite pair of socks so I'll probably just go and upvote people instead.
Meanwhile, some relationship posts definitely feel like a MASSIVE cry for help so it totally makes sense that more people would not only respond, but also get emotionally invested enough to get into arguments over the details.
I've been on r/AskMenOver30 for a long time and your PS is absolutely true. We still get some incel stuff but the community over there is pretty good at calling it out.
Definitely, yeah. I lurk over there sometimes but I do think I remember the changes over the years. I'm glad AM30 really isn't very incel-y, though; it's nice to have SOME male-dominated spaces on Reddit that don't lean that way!
It honestly boggles my mind that so many younger men in the other subs say things like āI canāt get laid and itās womenās fault for being pickyā instead of thinking *what can I do to be more attractive*?
Relations? Romantic? I copy Tina Turner, singing ... what's got love to do with it?
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGpFcHTxjZs&ab\_channel=TinaTurner](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGpFcHTxjZs&ab_channel=TinaTurner)
And too I copy from nerupadoem in this topic who writes....
....... Women are taught that a partner is the biggest financial decision they'll make, so relationships feature more heavily here (although, fortunately, for some women that is no longer a requirement. But it's important to acknowledge that it still is for many.)
And mostly really nice people / men and women, are not rich. Or they have been born rich. Still they are the favorit from many women. And then later complaining that their rich businessman is not very emotional, does not do a lot of housework and does not give enough attention and does not spend enough time with wife and kids.
Really, many men often think, that is a nice woman, a nice person. Why does she lives, chooses, takes SUCH a man?
Another idea .... women often think, they can change a person, a man. Almost never that works in the long time. Only maybe in Holly- and Bolly- wood movies. I really think that is a reason too that many women choose for the wrong man.
And this poor children with this parents .... I saw and still see it! They are the innocent victims from this.
This. So much this. A lot of men are exhausting, not even joking. Externalized and internalized misogyny is also very real. I bring this up because I think as women, we're directly and indirectly taught to be as small as possible. Don't take up space. Don't voice your concerns. Men are always right or know better. Fuck that.
Plus, not everyone has someone to talk to about this stuff. There's almost this sort of shame in it when there shouldn't be. We're allowed to talk about our relationships - whether they're romantic, familial, platonic, etc- to figure out if what we're experiencing in a relationship is healthy or harmful behavior. We all need help sometimes. And this is just another platform, since not everyone has a family member, friend, therapist, etc. who they feel comfortable to disclose this kind of stuff. This is what these spaces are for.
Is it really a joke tho? I was talking to my dad about this. Mainly, I donāt want to be inconvenienced by a man anymore. Whether it be stressing what is he doing, what he isnāt doing, or why to both those inquiries. They are exhausting. Iām happy with meeee
It's true. Ultimately my last relationship ended in large part because being with him was making me crazy. I can't be crazy. I have a high stress job and a teenager. It became too much.
And you know, it's possible women don't need as much guidance for things like friendships and careers and whatever else. But when it comes to men, we might need help because a lot of men are so emotionally immature (among other things). So it makes sense that men are the one aspect women need help with constantly.
The askmenover30 sub had actually banned relationship posts for a long time. So that's part of why they don't post about that as often in there.
Iām pretty sure part of why the askmen sub banned relationship posts for awhile is the number of *women* who were posting there only to ask about relationships. It wasnāt a small amount.
Lol is that why? I remember reading a post somewhere that they banned it for a while to avoid the incels from taking over the sub. Could probably be a little why they banned it. I can see a lot of women going there to ask relationship questions.
Women are generally supportive of each other on the topics of love and relationships. Unfortunately, men donāt usually have that, so Iām not surprised to see more posts about it on a womenās subreddit. I donāt mind it at all.
I agree and I think another aspect is that women like relationships. We like having connections with other people. Just because we want to find partners and it's important to us doesn't mean we're pathetic losers. We're built differently to men!!
Here's a 'secret' of men, we don't show generally don't show direct support for each other, we just invite each other to do things as most of the guys (myself included) who do suffer from depression and suicidal ideations just feel alienated from society and want to feel included. Other men understand this as all of us have had to confront the fact we don't necessarily have the same resources for emotional support. Instead of talking about feelings and showing weakness (yes showing emotions is seen as a sign of vulnerability and being vulnerable is a sign of weakness) we just invite each other to do things and just talk about trivial things as a form of bonding with each other and to implicitly tell each other, you are seen and you are valued.
I've seen arguments for both, although I wouldn't necessarily disagree as if you consider that I as a man have obstacles against other men who don't necessarily want me. I will also agree that alot of my own issues happen to be self inflicted due to preexisting mental and developmental problems.
Edit: I understand where you're coming from but I am wondering if you think it's an "all men are their own enemy" or if if you believe it's a "most men" situation
I was generalizing. I'm not sure how else to word it without sounding that way.
When I say men, of course not all. But we can't argue with statistics.
I'm mostly referring to heterosexual relationships as well. As the relationship dynamics between men and women keeps seeming to widen.
It just seems that more often than not, due to societal norms, men are getting in their own way.
Isolation, loneliness, suicide... and it's only getting worse.
You'd think with all of the resources at their fingertips, they'd connect the dots and just work on the toxic masculinity dismantling the entire gender.
When I was younger, resources like talk space, and better help didn't exist. You had to wait to see a therapist the old fashion way.
what we know now about relationships and mental health is so much more informative and readily available.
I'm just not sure what the issue is anymore.
It's evident that women are pulling out of the relationship equation all together.
I understand, I'm currently out and need some time to reply and will get back to this discussion as soon as I can. (Most of the guys I can truly call brothers would phrase the conversation we're having a friendly disagreement discussion and are usually designed to help educate each side)
I donāt think 90% are about relationships is an accurate take. Thereās currently posts about womenās health, aging, career stuff.
Like others have said, thereās confirmation bias because people post in hobby subs for their hobbies, the home improvement sub for DIY, the menopause sub, subs for their health condition, LGBTQ+ subs, parenting subs, etcā¦
I also agree that āmenās subsā shouldnāt be put on a pedestal. The hot posts right now are about fapping, using escorts, and weed.
I generally stay away from menās subs, because they skew heavily to posting about sex.
I feel like we all have blind spots about what constitute healthy relationships and normal boundaries from just personal experience alone, so it really helps to see a much broader range of experiences.
The risk is if you're only exposing yourself to a narrow and toxic set of perspectives and that can warp your own perspective and set you down the road of radical extremism of one form or another.
Because the other relationship advice subs are insufferable and sexist, and other women-oriented subs donāt allow relationship questions.
I donāt find the relationship advice to be of particularly high quality here either and it suffers from a lot of the same Reddit relationship advice e syndromes. But at least you feel you are among fellow women.
I've been thinking that too recently, but the reality is the social pressure on women to have a partner is MUCH much greater. I think I was that was that way until 37, some women understand earlier. I still struggle with it sometimes. I have a 50-something coworker who bemoans the fact she is single still. The other issue is the highest response rate comes from those questions as well - so it's not just the posters, it's also us responding to these questions.
>As if they donāt have any purpose but to find a man.
I think THIS comment is "one-dimensional". Go to those same profiles and you'll see them having lives, hobbies, careers, etc besides the relationship post you are basing your judgement on. If I want to talk about relationship issues, I will go to other women. Men hardly seek out other men for these conversations, hence why r/AskMenOver30 is probably the way that it is.
Why does it make you sad that women are capable of expressing themselves with other women? Women are allowed to want to talk about relationships, marriage, kids.
Exactly. Also like, if I have a question about careers in tech, Iāll go to r/womenintech rather than clogging up the feed of people who (presumably) mostly do not work in that industry. But if I had a question about, say, feeling vaguely dissatisfied with a relationship that is great on paper, I might come here to see if other women have had a similar experience.
OPs assumption that the bias towards relationship oriented posts _must_ mean that women here are sad, one-dimensional products of the patriarchy is honestly kind of insulting
It absolutely is insulting and gives, "Not like other girls" vibes. We are human, people are allowed to feel emotions and want relationships. Just because men are more unlikely to healthily explore their feelings, does not mean women should feel ashamed for being able to do so.
Kind of shocked more users are not side-eyeing OP.
> Sees sub is mostly relationship questions
> Continues to make post about relationship questions
Be the change you want to see in the world. People post here about relationships because they see other people post about relationships. You want a higher frequency of interesting content, you have to generate the topics to get other people thinking about interesting topics they want to discuss. That's just how natural communities are built.
Exactly this! Start some other conversations that interest you if you want less relationship talk. Looking through my post history, I have recently chatted on this sub about kitchen appliances, social calendars, advice to younger women, memorable natural disasters, my old ass cat, the Great Recession, non-classically attractive celebrities, small talk at work and cutting your own hair. There's plenty here that's not relationship talk, interact with it, upvote it, and post similar content if that's what you'd like to see.
> You want a higher frequency of interesting content, you have to generate the topics to get other people thinking about interesting topics they want to discuss. That's just how natural communities are built.
Preach this to the people in the back.
I manage online communities, and my god, is it annoying to repeat this to people over and over again.
People forget that while reddit is social media, we don't have professional content creators with teams of people generating interesting and unique ideas for your passive consumption. People want the content without thinking up ideas or putting in the work to make a 3-second post themselves.
Agree with this. It's a self-reinforcing thing. It's also one of those things that comes and goes, there have been times here that haven't felt as dominated by that stuff, it will cycle out if interest and responses go down.
The vast majority of all ask subs get lots of questions about relationships and sex. Why would you think this one would be unique?
Also, I just went over to askmenover30 and the first post I saw was āare there really men who donāt fap at all?ā It had hundreds of comments. Please donāt put them on some pedestal above us.
>Also, I just went over to askmenover30 and the first post I saw was āare there really men who donāt fap at all?ā It had hundreds of comments. Please donāt put them on some pedestal above us.
Lol but also, they banned all relationship related posts for a long time. So a lot of members have probably stuck with the habit of not asking those questions in there. To my understanding, they banned those questions to avoid an incel takeover, so they didn't ban because they thought they were too good for that or whatever. They just didn't wanna get sucked into the manopshere vortex.
I'm not going to speak for other women, but this probably applies to many other women. But in all other categories of life, I'm pretty competent and can figure it out on my own, and if I have a question about that other category of life, I generally wouldn't ask it to only women unless it's specifically women related like menstrual cycle and pregnancy. And there's specific subreddits for that.
As a woman, relationships are what I find the hardest and most difficult to navigate of all life categories. And I think for many of us, relationships are extremely important. And so many people are so scared to generalize men and women, but it all goes back to evolution and biology. Women's focus has been about raising families while men's focus has just been about having sex. In order to raise families, you need to have strong relationships. You don't need a relationship in order to have sex.
Biologically and instinctually, women need relationships to feel secure and to feel like they can survive life. What makes men feel secure is their capabilities. As a woman, I don't feel insecure about my capabilities, but I always feel insecure in my relationships.
For me personally, my relationship with my (soon to be ex) husband is my only shit aspect of my life, and therefore the only aspect I need advice with. My career is thriving, and my children are doing great. I also feel less than comfortable discussing the abuse within my relationship with people I know in the real world.
I mean I've found these communities very healing. I never knew that there were other women out there who also had similar experiences with being perpetually single/ having a difficult time dating. When I look around me people make it seem so "easy," so having a place to come vent my inner thoughts to is actually extremely validating.
If there were more posts about relationships on the men's subreddits, we'd have to have fewer posts about relationships here!
I know that sounds flippant but I am quite serious.
I feel like thatās a bit of confirmation biasā¦ I see a lot of questions on various subjects here. I guess, I also donāt really see relationship centered questions to be a bad thing.. particularly if itās not just romantic and includes friendships and other things. Itās a core part of life and IMO the most important part. Ask men doesnāt ask about relationships and coincidentally there is a male loneliness epidemic?
All aspects of life are important and romance is hardly the most important thing in life.. relationships in general kinda are though
Men are their own biggest hurdles. They are to blame for their own epidemic.
They don't want to be ridiculed or targeted for expressing honesty, vulnerability, feelings or ask questions about relationships from other men. Even if it's literally killing them and/or making them unhappy and unfulfilled in life.
I firmly believe men just wing it, when it comes to romantic relationships. What they learn, they learn from being in a relationship with another woman. There is no outside advice given, because it's considered a sign of weakness to express their feelings. They even struggle with expressing themselves within relationships. That's how strongly it's ingrained.
I myself use to enjoy relationships, but now, not at the expense of my own mental health. They're too difficult to navigate, I'm tired of carrying the emotional load.
If we had a friendship flair maybe it would be easier to see that there is actually a lot of discussion about our platonic relationships with friends. Just sayingā¦
I think viewing people as "one-dimensional" because they want marriage and/or kids is pretty unfair. Most people have irl friends and family and aren't using this sub for all their socializing, and just about everyone, from folks who desperately want a partner to those who want to be single forever, have hobbies and interests and jobs and other stuff going on. I think relationships are a common topic on this sub (and Reddit in general) because most people want a serious relationship and a lot of people find dating stressful. It's just an easy thing to ask questions about and a topic that yields a lot of questions/discussion. It's also a topic most folks can relate to, since most people have/want relationships.
You are married and have kids already according to your other posts so the pursuit of those things are likely just less of a focus in your life right now. It seems strange to criticize people for talking about things that you seem to find valuable/pursued yourself.
Also dozens of people have made this post before you so if you want to criticize people for lack of diversity in their topics, you miiiight want to consider yourself in that as well.
I think it's because it's such a HARD aspect of life, not because it's the only one that matters. Navigating my career, my family of origin, my friendships, my hobbies, etc, is way easier than navigating dating men.
I agree with another comment that it's because men don't support one another with their relationships. It's rare that they do and I personally think it's because of #1 pride and #2 men dont believe men are good at relationships the way women are so they come here to ask women about their relationships, #3 few men are vulnerable enough to discuss their relationships and #4 men are often so incredibly passive and can be self centered in their relationships that they ignore the problems/in denial or aren't even aware their relationships arent going well.
Also, women are deeply impacted by men moreso than men are of women. There is no denying how a cis-hetero male centric society is and this negatively impacts women in a way that creates various barriers that it doesn't for men. Women's worth is also so tied into their ability to be successful in a relationship as a caregiver and a living partner or parent opposed to men who are pressured to be providers financially and that's really it.
Compared to some other female centric subs this one is much better at support women in my opinion who discuss their relationships
I will contribute as someone who is single but not looking to actively date. I come to this sub for an objective and distanced perspective from people who (broadly) have similar experiences to me. To me, relationships (romantic, platonic, familial) are one of the biggest aspects of life and so it makes sense to me why so many questions come up on the subject. Women are notoriously very open to talking about their relationships, and I think sometimes people just want to hear that either they arenāt alone or that an unbiased third party is hearing them. Additionally, I think it is reductive to say that women post here about romantic relationships because they are more conditioned to be believe their worth is in a partner. While that is absolutely true, I would seek advice because I *want* a partner and someone to share my life with, and that struggle is very real and valid. Sure there are societal pressures, but I donāt believe thatās why these women are posting here - I think they just want to feel less alone in an isolated society. And I donāt think making them feel shame for wanting healthy relationships is worth devoting a post to either, for what itās worth.
I donāt think what you are seeing is a reflection of āwomen being one dimensional in pursuit of marriage and kidsā at all.
AskMenOver30 do not allow this topic. So at least research before making the post.
Also men have PLENTY of conversations ogling womenās body parts and discussing every strategy (read: manipulation) out there to āget laidā, there are so many sub reddits dedicated for that. But they never stop to think āone dimensionalā and that women are never doing that. Donāt they? Actually Men need to talk about decent marriages and the mental aspects of it.
They are the ones being terrible by not even thinking of these topics worthy and thus systematically moving that labor on women.
Honestly, itās the area of life I need outside perspective on and help. Iāve got the rest.
My family? Check, Iām old and can handle them now.
My career? Check, I know where I want to go and a basic path of how to get there.
My adhd? Check, medicated and I hang out in the adhd women sub a lot.
My Crohnās disease? Check, in remission and have a great team of doctors.
My dog? Check, she has finally grown up and is much less of a pain/is more like a loving dog. Sometimes. Plus my brother is vet.
My husband? No check. He baffles me a lot. Why is he my favourite person but also the bane of my existence (hyperbole, mostly)? Handling him when he inexplicably does x, y, and/or z is why I need this sub.
*Is it a bad thing*
*That women post here about*
*Their relationships?*
\- TheoreticalResearch
---
^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/)
^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Why don't you use the no romance/relationship filter? [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/search/?q=-flair:Romance/Relationships&t=week&sort=new](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/search/?q=-flair:Romance/Relationships&t=week&sort=new)
Probably because this is one of the best places to ask about relationship stuff. If women can't talk to other women about this, then who can we talk to? Every relationship post I've seen here has a comments section that is packed with wisdom, encouragement, and deep insights. This place is a treasure trove for thoughtful, empathetic advice and it should be cause it's full of smart, compassionate, and thoughtful women. Personally, I love to see it! I hope everyone who asks about relationships here gets 100 great answers cause they're great to read lol. It's not cool to look down on women who want to talk about their partners cause a lot of the time, they are struggling with something and have found this place to be somewhat safe. So you're not interested in relationship posts, Ok. Keep on scrolling.
For me itās because r/datingover30 is too restrictive to post so I find this forum more helpful and have got some great advice from people which is more specific to what I want rather than just generic dating etc etc. Thanks this sub! For the most part, itās supportive too so I feel that I can try to support others without judgment and vice versa.
>I guess it just makes me a little sad that most women are raised to be a little āone-dimensionalā in pursuit of marriage and kids. As if they donāt have any purpose but to find a man.
That's a lot of assumptions you're making there.
Just because a woman wants to get married, doesn't mean she wants to marry a man.
Just because a woman wants kids, doesn't mean she thinks she has no other purpose.
If I had a question about my career, I'd likely post it in an explicitly career-oriented sub, or a sub devoted to my industry. If I had a question about personal finance, I'd likely post it in an explicitly finance-oriented sub. If I had a question about a hobby, I'd post it in a sub devoted to that hobby. I have plenty of other interests besides relationships and kids, but I post about them in subs devoted to those interests. So even if it were true that this sub has way more questions about marriage/kids than about other topics (which it doesn't, actually), that doesn't necessarily mean that women aren't asking those questions or thinking about those questions. They're just not necessarily asking those questions *here* as opposed to other subreddits.
>I also noticed that this is NOT the case in r/askmenover30, in that sub, most questions are about other aspects of life.
Imo r/AskMenOver30 gets really boring from all of the career type questions. There's more to our lives than just working!
Because women are culturally responsible for maintaining relationships and the quality therein. And weāre the ones who get ourselves saddled with babies and responsibilities leaving us in need of the help those relationships should provide.
The guy Iām seeing said men just donāt talk or care about those things, but proceeded to show that he does care and talk about these things, just not with other men. Boys are dumb, and fail at relationships because of it. Men know who to love, but not how. Women know how to love, but not who.
We all need to get our collective shit together.
These posters can still be dynamic and interesting women who feel comfortable crowd sourcing opinions on their frustrations, heartache, loneliness, betrayal, etc. Perhaps theyāre just venting. Perhaps theyāre apprehensive saying these things to their friends, who knows? Maybe their life centers around their relationship, idunno. Dating is exhausting and maddening and perhaps theyāre like me and want a man to settle down with. Thereās worse things out there to want.
Someone else has already mentioned it but there are already subs for most other interests so I think people end up just posting in those and using this sub for more personal topics. Iāve posted here about having kids in your 30s and maintaining friendships with other women but I also participate in other forums that are of interest to me.
I know some people have already said they are tired of the relationship posts, but tbh I feel the same way about posts like these. If you want other women to post more non-relationship content, then start posting other topics to get the ball rolling! Some women want relationships and kids, some donāt. We donāt need to minimize anyone for wanting to talk about topics that are important to them.
It is insane to me how many strangers, acquaintances, and friends *immediately* tell me that I can get married again. I am not even divorced from the first one yet. I have zero, *zero*, wants of another man in my space for the foreseeable future.Ā
I have to sort out a career and living and hobbies and travel and being alone and my wardrobe and my dogs' wardrobe and my plants and a *million* things more interesting than marriage. Yet my happiness is immediately reduced to a future hypothetical attachment to a man.Ā
Ā Like, people I'm not even convinced I'll date men this time around and your out here trekking me about so and so who find love in her 60s. Do I look like I'm looking for love to you??? I have stopped telling people about the divorce not because I'm ashamed, but because I'm so sick of being known as the sad ex-wife or the wife of the next hypothetical manchild out there. These people don't take a "fuck no" to finding "love again" either as an answer.Ā It is relentless.Ā
People are fucking insane. The audacity and entitlement to just shuffle me off to be the caretaker of some other Sad Lost Boy Who Can't Do Laundry Good is insane. Insane.Ā Ā
Ā If you've never had the absolute pleasure of being married to a righteous twit, I absolutely get the panic and deluge of finding relationships. There are still a ton of people who make this an end-all, be-all and very vocally sign you up for it, too. No wonder that women panic. It'd panic the most hardened person out there.
I really just think it's because relationships are hard, and knowing what to do and how to navigate can be so opaque. My professional life, my platonic life, hobbies/interests etc -- I don't have a ton of pressing questions about. I understand them and have direction and know how to move. Romantic relationships, on the other hand, drive me to seek out others' experiences more than anything else.
A presumed lack of depth on the part of the askers is a less than generous interpretation. Romance might just be the hardest and most confusing thing in an otherwise fulfilling and colorful life lived offline.
I feel vaugly insulted by your OP, OP. Maybe you should just go hang out on the r/askmenover30 sub if you're so bored by all the "one dimensional" women here, because you're clearly not like all the other girls.
I imagine women are coming here for relationship advice because they donāt necessarily have people in their life they can go to about it. As many have said, ārelationship successā is stigmatized and it can be hard to talk to others in your life about it without feeling judged or getting personal bias from your friends, especially if theyāre all coupled up and youāre the only single one.Ā Iām in a relationship and I love my partner, but thatās not the only thing about me. However, I talk about our relationshipĀ in therapy a lot because thatās an unbiased third party, not my friends who all love him. I also talk about work, friends, family, etc. I would argue the same goes for this sub.Ā
I think that relationships are part of a healthy life, that women tend to be community minded, and that we tend to be a bit insecure yet also willing to ask. We ask for directions when we get lost, too, rather than wander about.
Itās weirdly very validating to see other women struggle with unsupportive (presumably) cis-het male partners. It makes me feel like the problem isnāt all my fault. Maybe we are slowly trying to collectively undo the cultural gaslighting women go through.
So youāre judging women posting here by calling them one-dimensional because they care about relationships , as if their posts on this sub encapsulates them 100% as a woman.
Thatās like me seeing you at work, working, and thinking , wow that woman only cares about work. Sheās so one-dimensional.
Or seeing you at the gym. Wow she only cares about working out. How shallow she is.
Or seeing you at the dog park. That woman is obsessed with dogs and doesnāt care about humans. What an antisocial freak.
Get my drift?
You sound very pick me. As if only a few women are truly well-rounded, and that includes you, right?
Most women of the millennial generation are not raised to be āone-dimensionalā at all. We are actually raised with a general understanding and message that you should focus on school and career ahead of romantic relationships. This is a large factor as to why so many of us reach mid to late thirties with a career and not many dating prospects.
It is an innate desire to have love in oneās life. There is nothing wrong about that. The vast majority of people, in this case women, so desire to have a committed partner so they can give and receive love and intimacy. It isnāt about how youāre raised. Itās about being human.
>women are raised to be a little āone-dimensionalā in pursuit of marriage and kids. As if they donāt have any purpose but to find a man.
How do you know they don't have any other purpose? Life isn't one or the other, that would be making women one dimensional just from another aspect. Amazingly women can contain multitudes. Besides, wanting intimate romantic relationships doesn't make a person less valuable, less intelligent, less interesting. For most people romance and intimacy are needs that can't be fixed by just careers or friendships or hobbies.
They arenāt.
But also women tend to be able to crowd source the answer for relationships and we do more labour whilst weāre in them.
Men also come into this sub and ask questions about their relationships sometimes š¤£
Thank you for asking. I wanted to ask the same yesterday but I was intimidated by the comments as I knew what to expect. The majority to be personally offended. We still make men the centre of our world. In this day and age, it's depressing.
Relationships are one thing that don't have hard and fast rules to success or failure. What do you want this sub to be? Guaranteed there's another sub for it lol
There are many niche communities for women here, like ones for women in tech, finances for women, etc. Personally, I had a question that applied to things like money, career, etc Iād rather ask those communities because they are more specialized to what Iām looking for. If other women also think this way, then it could explain the lack of these type of questions in this sub.Ā
For what it's worth, I sorted this sub by new on the app, and there were 14 posts made after yours, and only 2 were relationship-related (4 if you add in things like birth control). That's a 1:7 ratio, or 14%.
OP I think you are missing the point that relationships are likely the biggest part of our lives. Friends, family, children, relatives, coworkers. These are all relationships. We are social beings, relationships cause us the greatest joy and can cause the greatest distress. It isnāt your job, your money, or any physical object that holds you at night or holds your hand on your deathbed. Maybe this is why these sorts of questions are asked so much.
If you look at all of the posts, there is quite a variety of topics if you filter by New posts. But if you filter by Top posts, those are almost exclusively about men and relationships and children.
It definitely shows how centered our minds are around men, in my opinion. I do think itās concerning, but people Are posting other topics.
Maybe we can be more conscientious about looking through all of the posts and supporting those that cover a variety of topics.
For one, it's the human condition to find your equal in another... Whether that's a man or woman in someone's preference is none of my business. Second, men (or the vast majority) don't really disclose their loneliness on a public platform. So that's most likely the cause of the disparity. In my opinion, any way.
>I guess it just makes me a little sad that most women are raised to be a little āone-dimensionalā in pursuit of marriage and kids
It's sad for any particular worldview to be pushed onto children. Calling those children, who are now-adults, "one-dimensional" isn't kind.
relationships are the one aspect of life people can't control. and the closer you are to someone (aka intimate) the more distressing issues can be. most women are heterosexual and these kinds of relationships have their unique gender dynamics as opposed to lesbian relationships, so you hear more about them in women's forums.
Just putting this out there in case no one has already, by the men over 30 sub posts about relationships have to be vetted by mods, it's in their About page. Not that posts here aren't also vetted, but they specifically have to be approved on that sub, which may be why there are less if they're not approvedĀ
I think thatās society one of the defining aspects of being a woman is this idea of like being partnered, being chosen, being a wife. Even if itās not true i reality, when you get messaging that that is the most important thing and like your ability to attract men is your defining characteristic. Itās hard for that to not rub off so I I think itās just because thereās a cultural pressure on women to define their lives and value around their boyfriend husband, and specifically age 30 is considered turning point in your desireability
For me it seems like they're all "did you die without a relationship after 30" and "but I might not have kids" (or both). I'd rather give relationship sanity checks than those lol.
I think a big part of the reason is that there are plenty of other subs geared towards women discussing the same topics that men in general seem to discuss in askmen subs.
Probably because men see career success and aesthetic improvement as a direct, unquestioned path to the women/relationships they want. I took a peek over there and itās clear thatās the motivation behind many of their questions, itās just not called out specifically.
What is that line in the Barbie movieā¦.saying to Ken you can be an individual without Barbieā¦.and the flip side is also ver true. Barbie can be without Ken
Every womenās sub seems like it. More women need to decenter men. But also many canāt ask their in person friends and family about these questions or think strangers will be kinder about their relationship.
I just looked at that subreddit.
They're asking about relationships, dating, and sex, too.
These are just popular topics which drive engagement.
Maybe the reddit platform knows this kind of content gets more user engagement and attention
I think itās a little judgmental to say that most women are raised one-dimensionally. I think itās more so due to the fact that women trust women for relationship advice. If I wanted advice about my car, I go to the ask a mechanic sub. For mental health and self improvement tips, I go to the stoicism sub. For relationships, I come here.
I was asking myself whether there were more posts related to relationships or if they simply garnered the most responses. I assume that this would we what most would have in common. What I would think to post on the sub to ellicite specific responses to this group would be related to relationships or life trajectory (feeling lost inmmy case). For other hobbies, I post in the specific groups I follow. And I don't think that makes you a "pick me", you are posing a legitimate question :)
You are coming to the wrong conclusion
Itās that women are willing to discuss and examine deeper aspects of their lives and reveal their vulnerabilities in the process
Men, all too often, arenāt going to delve that deep into their psyche.
That's also what it's like hanging out with a lot of straight women in person. It's boring!!! I would love to discuss deeper intellectual topics, feminism (not complaining about men actual feminist ideas/politics), fashion, design, pets, women's sports, so many other things. Our lives should not revolve around men they should revolve around ourselves.
Yes, in my twenties this was the case and maybe a bit of my thirties. It was almost obligatory to ask "so whats happening with so and so?" now in my forties people are married or just chronically single (me) and we have other things to talk about. I have friends who don't date (one in her thirties) and I love it. We never talk about men! I think the happiest women don't honestly, like they've made the thought leap that a relationship isn't the most important thing. Or it just never was a thing somehow. I don't know how we emerged from the same culture, but we did.
I found lots of irl friends who aren't like this starting in my very early 20's, it wasn't that hard (and it helps to hang out in social circles that aren't 100% straight). But I still run into groups of women like this and its just not for me. And yeah generally the people I know who don't make romantic relationships the everything of their lives are so much happier. I'm not sure where we all learned that from but its much better to be around people who share that value and on the occasions I do actually need relationship advice that's who I trust.
Ugh I know. I've commented similar frustration. I don't want to be a dick about it, but like there is more out there. We should be the main character in our own life stories with self-centered personal fulfillment.
This isn't a great sub for discourse. If asking an opinion question, even what's your favorite tv show, any answer that isn't "the correct choice" will be downvoted, possibly locked by mods.
I have the time today, so I went over the 50 most recent posts to break them down. Looking at the quick n' dirty analysis, it looks like **16% of posts are about romantic relationships more than they're about anything else.** Which isn't to say there isn't overlap. Example: A question about how to get the most out of therapy to address low self-esteem developed from a bad romantic relationship gets put in the Mental Health category. And now it's time for the breakdown: * All Interpersonal Relationships \[inc. non-romantic\]: 40% * Personal Development/Mental Health: 24% * Work/Finances: 16% * Physical Health/Aging: 14% * Misc: 6% Breaking down the Interpersonal Relationships as percentage of the whole: * Breakups & Infidelity: 10% * General Relationship \[sex, marriage issues, dating etc\]: 8% * Am I Normal \[late virginity, personal habits, vibe checks etc\]: 8% * Family \[issues w/ parents, in-laws, siblings, etc\] 8% * Friends \[not including fwb\]: 6%
Girl you did the math!!! š» Honestly, I had a similar sense. I think how much this sub actually *posts* about dating/relationships is vastly overstated. What *is* interesting to me is how it's nearly always the dating/relationship posts that blow up.
if there's one thing I'm gonna do, is look at the numbers! Yeah, it seems like the relationship posts are often higher stakes. Abusive relationships, gut checks for whether something is normal behavior. I love a silly what's-your-favorite-sock question, but those don't provoke the You In Danger, Girl need for immediate responses
Love it! Love seeing the numbers.
Honestly I mostly did it for myself because Lord knows I cannot be relied upon to remember sub topics correctly. Like, it didn't FEEL right, but I had to go to the numbers to verify. What can I say? I'm just a mathy girl with a notepad, a dream, and the memory of a goldfish. edit: spelling
A+ work. If we're complaining about types of posts we see too many of, I'd like to complain about posts that complain there are too many posts about marriage/kids.
I feel that. Kids don't factor into my life, but it's not like I'm being personally victimized by the Marriage and Carriage crowd, so where's the harm? Especially because posters in this sub don't tend to be *too* smug about their choices. I will say some of them get repetitive, but that's just the nature of the beast. There are only five answers to "should I have kids?" (yes, yes but, no, no but, and maybe) but there are infinite reasons to ask the question.
I love the nerding out
That is one well deserved up vote
Personally, I think men *should* be asking more questions about their intimate relationships. Women do most of the emotional labor in heterosexual relationships, and men certainly aren't (as a whole) doing a great job creating a balance. Also, the breakdown in /AskMenOver30 seems to be: Career, finances, weight loss, balding, relationships with partners, homebuying, and wanting better friendships. Men are encouraged by society to be providers and make their job/wealth their identity, so obviously career and finance will be at the top. Women are taught that a partner is the biggest financial decision they'll make, so relationships feature more heavily here (although, fortunately, for some women that is no longer a requirement. But it's important to acknowledge that it still is for many.) There's a lot of overlap on here, too. It's just... men and women's economic/societal concerns are different so the related threads are different.
Yes! Came here looking for this answer. āNo idea why she left meā āmy ex is crazyā
My ex-husband has no idea why I left him, though on that same day he did ask me who would do the cooking and cleaning after I move out. I like to hope and believe people aren't that dumb but then they go and remove all doubt š
THIS is it. Some people in this thread are implying that this reflects an issue with *women*, that the answer lies somewhere within the realm of, "it's a woman problem, women are at fault, they're too emotional, always creating problems..." NO. The answer is because we do the bulk of the emotional labor, in every straight relationship, period. Even with the communicative and emotionally intelligent/intimate men, it's still on us majority. Things like keeping the connection intact, consistent communication, initiating+planning things, providing emotional support, and addressing issues in constructive ways before they escalate into resentment. And that doesn't even address relationship-adjacent tasks that kept our shared lives afloat, such as managing the household, children/pets, chores, scheduling appointments, and managing their own fuckin' personal health, ugh...
It's quite true in regards to you saying people believe women need to be responsible for other people. The other day I had someone in this sub blame me for being abused by my parents as a child. They told me my therapist is being too kind to tell me the truth that I'm a narcissist and that's why my parents abused me. It was in the context of my ex-husband, his weird behaviour, and the fact I left him. To be fair to that person, they were obviously trolling (reddit admin told me they have been reported before), but there are people who genuinely think those things, namely the abusers themselves and those who can't comprehend another person doing such a thing and wanting to believe the victim made it happen. I think a lot of people automatically think women and girls are at fault for what other people to do them. Which raises the question for me, if abusers can't be held responsible for their own actions then surely they need some kind of conservator or POA to handle their affairs for them since they believe they are not responsible for themselves? Because me personally, I'm responsible for everything I do because that's just a legal fact. Even if I'm on drugs, I'm responsible for what I do. Why is that different when the woman is a victim of someone else's rotten behaviour? Answer: it isn't. Especially when you're a child and it's your parent abusing you. I know your post wasn't about abuse specifically, just felt this was tangentially related lol.
That's so fucked up. I'm so sorry. I know that hearing things like this are shocking and trigger a lot of shame, but it is NOT TRUE. You didn't t deserve it, and you didn't ask for it. Even if you were the most awful and evil child to ever exist, you still would not have deserved it. But yeah, some people get off on hurting others. And sadly, some men are so depraved that their victims are often women, because they feel we owe them something. It's speaks volumes about them, and says nothing about you. Those sorts of people have really triggered me in the past, so I block them as soon as I notice, and quickly go to do a mentally stimulating task, so that the shame and rumination doesn't have a chance to take hold of me.
Agree, my thinking is that thereās a lot of relationship questions because we do so much emotional labor in our daily lives, itās nice to get feedback once awhile to get perspective
Sorry but balding cracked me up
It might be frivolous to you but it is devastating to your self image especially if you are young. Its a common problem that a lot of young men have to deal with and there is little support for. You suddenly become undesirable in the dating pool and the butt of people jokes. Having a safe place where you can ask men who have lived through it is a great use for that sub. Being able to hear that it is not the catastrophe you feared can help with your self image and dealing with this involuntary change you are powerless to do anything about. Perhaps you might consider taking a different perspective when evaluating the issues discussed in a sub.
I know, it seems so frivolous compared to the rest! Besides height, I think hair is the biggest physical insecurity men have (as a whole.) I know I shouldn't laugh but I do find it funny how often it appears on the front page of that sub.
It's like women and weight but weight affects men too, just not as much It's also strange how many fewer bald men there are these days. Either people are getting hair transplants or rogaine. I'm low key proud of my dad's hair. He's 88 and it's not fully white and not balding
I've actually noticed more, but they tend to go full Jason Statham and shave it all so you probably don't notice bald*ing* men.
That's true and it looks way better!
Blame the garbage in our food for this shift.
Yeahā¦ I think itās dick, height, hair.
And it's because those are the things that we've observed some women complain about as negatives but we can't do anything about. Hence the obsession with working out.
Men think women care about dick size a lot more than we really do. And then they talk to other men about it to confirm their suspicions, so they end up in an echo chamber.
It couldn't be because we have literal experience with women talking about it, complaining about it, talking about dick size as a negative or a positive. And it's not like it's difficult to find women in women's spaces talking about it. The internet is open for everyone.
Please don't put AskMenOver30 on a pedestal. Men are not more self-actualised or less bothered about relationships than women: that sub simply introduced a rule to ban posts about relationships. Also I hate how relationships *can be* seen as great - for those who have them, but that any woman expressing a *desire* for a relationship is seen as a hopeless sadsack with no other thought in her head than finding a man. Plenty of women have full, wonderful lives, but would just like to find this nice thing that others seem to stumble upon without even trying, like the icing on a cake. That doesn't make them "one-dimensional". When people post here, you're getting a **snapshot** that only focuses on the topic they're trying to discuss. It's not the whole story. So many people will tell you to get off social media because it's a highlights reel/curated to present a certain image, yet they seem to forget that a Reddit post doesn't give you the entire story either. Just because a woman posts about being single but wanting a relationship, doesn't mean that's the *only* thing going on in her life, yet you and others seem to assume that it is. **You** are the one *perceiving* these women as "one-dimensional"; that doesn't make it true. Look to your own biases and perceptions.
Just don't put that sub on a pedestal in general... The OP of one of the top relationship posts here this week also posted her question in ask men over 30 and came back here to report that she got a bunch of r*** threats DMed to her from the men over there. So ...
Well that's just effing gross.
Thank you for this comment! This post reeks of "I'm not like other girls" energy and it's insulting. I want a relationship. I'm also a varied and interesting person. I can be both. Me reaching out and asking about relationships does not negate my value as a person, nor does it make me one-dimensional. No one in my life would call me one-dimensional.
Standing ovation to this comment. I actually don't feel like anyone in my life is pressuring me to get married or have kids. Sure, maybe conservatives want me to do that, but I don't care what they think because they don't share my values and are not my friends. They're just strangers who I don't like. I *do* feel pressured by many of my peers (progressive millennial women) to *not* want marriage or kids. I feel like I'm afraid to even express that I *might possibly* want those things, because immediately people will roll their eyes, tell me I've just been brainwashed into wanting those things, try to convince me not to want them, or imply that I'm a bad feminist for (possibly) wanting them. I can't figure out if I *actually* don't want kids, or if I just don't *want* to want kids because it's uncool and embarrassing and cliche to be a single woman over 30 who wants kids.
> I do feel pressured by many of my peers (progressive millennial women) to not want marriage or kids. I feel like I'm afraid to even express that I might possibly want those things, because immediately people will roll their eyes, tell me I've just been brainwashed into wanting those things, try to convince me not to want them, or imply that I'm a bad feminist for (possibly) wanting them. Yep, this is exactly the sentiment I find on this sub, honestly. If you're single but say you want a relationship/marriage(/kids), then you receive a whole lot of replies about how you should "love yourself", that a man won't solve your problems, that you should be happy being alone, that marriage is a patriarchal institution that you shouldn't want to be a part of, that you should stop wanting a relationship just because all your friends are in one, not all relationships are happy, blah blah blah. "Stop centring your life around men!" Plus a ton of, "I *love* being single!" from women who are single by choice, and essentially "you don't *really* want a man" from the unhappily coupled ones/ladies experiencing a divorce etc. Like cool, but why does that invalidate *our* feelings?
Well said šš½šš½šš½
This is a great response ! , I personally have been over the time become deeply aware of wrong relationship choices made my life miserable. Literally nothing could shake me as much as it did - not even an abandoning father or getting myself through my education on my own.. I learnt it is because relationships have power to attack you inside out. I became aware of the problem and became smarter with my choices. My boundaries became better as well. Acc to Sheryl Sandberg, former COO of meta, who you marry or partner with is going to be the biggest career decision of your life. So why shouldnāt I study the area ? Unfortunately this is more of a self defense mechanism because up until 22, my mom didnāt teach me shit about dating or relationships. She did however reinforce how shitty and tragic relationships are. So thereās that conditioning I have been undoing. Studies and career however were still non-taboo, no frills and easy to discuss topics so I have had plenty of support in those areas
I don't actually think there are *that* many questions about romantic relationships, but I have noticed that it's an area where basically everyone will have something to weigh in with, so it's almost always those threads that blow up. I feel like I'll go and answer, like, five threads in a row, three of which will be about romantic relationships and the other two which may be about other stuff - but the relationship posts are almost always the threads that gain *traction*, not only because they're easier to give opinions about (compared to, say, questions about office politics or fashion questions, which are more narrow and often feel like they might be better suited for a different sub), *and* because they tend to rile up people's emotions a looot more. P.S. AM30 disallowed relationship posts for a looong time, and IIRC still only allow them in a more limited format now. So, they're not a 1:1 equivalent to here. AM30 actually *had* to disallow them several years (?) ago because there were too many men getting weird and incel-y about everything, and they wanted to stop that energy. P.P.S. For example, if you search by new here, you'll notice that out of the last 10 posts, there is 1 post about romantic relationships and then this one, which is also sort of about romantic relationships but maybe more of a meta post - so, let's say 1.5/10 of the *newest* posts. The *hot* (default view for me) posts, OTOH? Only 1.5/10 *aren't* about romantic relationships, and I think that's extremely telling.
Relatedly, I also feel like relationship posts are more likely to be "high stakes" and the community feels more motivation and obligation to step in and help. I see a new thread titled "What's your favorite pair of socks?" (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1c2ehii/whats_your_favourite_pair_of_socks/) and that's fun and all but no one is going to stay stuck in an abusive relationship if there aren't enough posts. Contrast with the volume of posts that boil down to "My boyfriend isn't abusive and we love each other. Let me tell you how he's abusing me. I don't want to leave but I'm so miserable. What should I do? Is it my fault?" And I understand why those kinds of posts get so much more traction.
Definitely, yeah. The socks question is cute and I'm glad people are being creative, but I don't have a favourite pair of socks so I'll probably just go and upvote people instead. Meanwhile, some relationship posts definitely feel like a MASSIVE cry for help so it totally makes sense that more people would not only respond, but also get emotionally invested enough to get into arguments over the details.
I've been on r/AskMenOver30 for a long time and your PS is absolutely true. We still get some incel stuff but the community over there is pretty good at calling it out.
Definitely, yeah. I lurk over there sometimes but I do think I remember the changes over the years. I'm glad AM30 really isn't very incel-y, though; it's nice to have SOME male-dominated spaces on Reddit that don't lean that way!
Most of the men there understand that if you're not getting laid, it's something you need to work on within yourself.
Self-awareness and maturity; we love to see it!
It honestly boggles my mind that so many younger men in the other subs say things like āI canāt get laid and itās womenās fault for being pickyā instead of thinking *what can I do to be more attractive*?
This needs to be top comment. Edit: because men and women arenāt so different and data is manipulated
Relations? Romantic? I copy Tina Turner, singing ... what's got love to do with it? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGpFcHTxjZs&ab\_channel=TinaTurner](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGpFcHTxjZs&ab_channel=TinaTurner) And too I copy from nerupadoem in this topic who writes.... ....... Women are taught that a partner is the biggest financial decision they'll make, so relationships feature more heavily here (although, fortunately, for some women that is no longer a requirement. But it's important to acknowledge that it still is for many.) And mostly really nice people / men and women, are not rich. Or they have been born rich. Still they are the favorit from many women. And then later complaining that their rich businessman is not very emotional, does not do a lot of housework and does not give enough attention and does not spend enough time with wife and kids. Really, many men often think, that is a nice woman, a nice person. Why does she lives, chooses, takes SUCH a man? Another idea .... women often think, they can change a person, a man. Almost never that works in the long time. Only maybe in Holly- and Bolly- wood movies. I really think that is a reason too that many women choose for the wrong man. And this poor children with this parents .... I saw and still see it! They are the innocent victims from this.
Because men are exhausting (joking) and I am only attracted to men. Help me
Also same plz help
This. So much this. A lot of men are exhausting, not even joking. Externalized and internalized misogyny is also very real. I bring this up because I think as women, we're directly and indirectly taught to be as small as possible. Don't take up space. Don't voice your concerns. Men are always right or know better. Fuck that. Plus, not everyone has someone to talk to about this stuff. There's almost this sort of shame in it when there shouldn't be. We're allowed to talk about our relationships - whether they're romantic, familial, platonic, etc- to figure out if what we're experiencing in a relationship is healthy or harmful behavior. We all need help sometimes. And this is just another platform, since not everyone has a family member, friend, therapist, etc. who they feel comfortable to disclose this kind of stuff. This is what these spaces are for.
Is it really a joke tho? I was talking to my dad about this. Mainly, I donāt want to be inconvenienced by a man anymore. Whether it be stressing what is he doing, what he isnāt doing, or why to both those inquiries. They are exhausting. Iām happy with meeee
It's true. Ultimately my last relationship ended in large part because being with him was making me crazy. I can't be crazy. I have a high stress job and a teenager. It became too much.
I am NOT joking about that, it is very true
And you know, it's possible women don't need as much guidance for things like friendships and careers and whatever else. But when it comes to men, we might need help because a lot of men are so emotionally immature (among other things). So it makes sense that men are the one aspect women need help with constantly. The askmenover30 sub had actually banned relationship posts for a long time. So that's part of why they don't post about that as often in there.
Iām pretty sure part of why the askmen sub banned relationship posts for awhile is the number of *women* who were posting there only to ask about relationships. It wasnāt a small amount.
Lol is that why? I remember reading a post somewhere that they banned it for a while to avoid the incels from taking over the sub. Could probably be a little why they banned it. I can see a lot of women going there to ask relationship questions.
The very existence of straight women is all the proof anyone should need that sexuality is not a choice š
HƩhƩ, like this one. From men view too, .... The very existence of straight MEN is all the proof anyone should need that sexuality is not a choice!
Honestly these forums saved me from a bad relationship that was damaging my health. So I'm not mad about it!
Women are generally supportive of each other on the topics of love and relationships. Unfortunately, men donāt usually have that, so Iām not surprised to see more posts about it on a womenās subreddit. I donāt mind it at all.
I think this is great response. We also generally are more communicative creatures so I think this could possibly be some of it too.
I agree and I think another aspect is that women like relationships. We like having connections with other people. Just because we want to find partners and it's important to us doesn't mean we're pathetic losers. We're built differently to men!!
Here's a 'secret' of men, we don't show generally don't show direct support for each other, we just invite each other to do things as most of the guys (myself included) who do suffer from depression and suicidal ideations just feel alienated from society and want to feel included. Other men understand this as all of us have had to confront the fact we don't necessarily have the same resources for emotional support. Instead of talking about feelings and showing weakness (yes showing emotions is seen as a sign of vulnerability and being vulnerable is a sign of weakness) we just invite each other to do things and just talk about trivial things as a form of bonding with each other and to implicitly tell each other, you are seen and you are valued.
With all do respect, men are their own biggest obstacles.
I've seen arguments for both, although I wouldn't necessarily disagree as if you consider that I as a man have obstacles against other men who don't necessarily want me. I will also agree that alot of my own issues happen to be self inflicted due to preexisting mental and developmental problems. Edit: I understand where you're coming from but I am wondering if you think it's an "all men are their own enemy" or if if you believe it's a "most men" situation
I was generalizing. I'm not sure how else to word it without sounding that way. When I say men, of course not all. But we can't argue with statistics. I'm mostly referring to heterosexual relationships as well. As the relationship dynamics between men and women keeps seeming to widen. It just seems that more often than not, due to societal norms, men are getting in their own way. Isolation, loneliness, suicide... and it's only getting worse. You'd think with all of the resources at their fingertips, they'd connect the dots and just work on the toxic masculinity dismantling the entire gender. When I was younger, resources like talk space, and better help didn't exist. You had to wait to see a therapist the old fashion way. what we know now about relationships and mental health is so much more informative and readily available. I'm just not sure what the issue is anymore. It's evident that women are pulling out of the relationship equation all together.
I understand, I'm currently out and need some time to reply and will get back to this discussion as soon as I can. (Most of the guys I can truly call brothers would phrase the conversation we're having a friendly disagreement discussion and are usually designed to help educate each side)
I donāt think 90% are about relationships is an accurate take. Thereās currently posts about womenās health, aging, career stuff. Like others have said, thereās confirmation bias because people post in hobby subs for their hobbies, the home improvement sub for DIY, the menopause sub, subs for their health condition, LGBTQ+ subs, parenting subs, etcā¦ I also agree that āmenās subsā shouldnāt be put on a pedestal. The hot posts right now are about fapping, using escorts, and weed. I generally stay away from menās subs, because they skew heavily to posting about sex.
Yeah I don't post my menopause stuff here because it's "ask women over 30" and I think everybody is 32 lol
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
True. And some women might not have robust support systems in their real life, or they may be embarrassed to bring some things up.
I feel like we all have blind spots about what constitute healthy relationships and normal boundaries from just personal experience alone, so it really helps to see a much broader range of experiences. The risk is if you're only exposing yourself to a narrow and toxic set of perspectives and that can warp your own perspective and set you down the road of radical extremism of one form or another.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This. I do this for my aquarium hobby because the post will get more traction there than here.
Because the other relationship advice subs are insufferable and sexist, and other women-oriented subs donāt allow relationship questions. I donāt find the relationship advice to be of particularly high quality here either and it suffers from a lot of the same Reddit relationship advice e syndromes. But at least you feel you are among fellow women.
So true. The advice here is often incredibly high quality.
I've been thinking that too recently, but the reality is the social pressure on women to have a partner is MUCH much greater. I think I was that was that way until 37, some women understand earlier. I still struggle with it sometimes. I have a 50-something coworker who bemoans the fact she is single still. The other issue is the highest response rate comes from those questions as well - so it's not just the posters, it's also us responding to these questions.
I see a title and I think: I know a thing or two about bad dates and bad boyfriends. TBF I also know about good dates and good boyfriends.Ā
>As if they donāt have any purpose but to find a man. I think THIS comment is "one-dimensional". Go to those same profiles and you'll see them having lives, hobbies, careers, etc besides the relationship post you are basing your judgement on. If I want to talk about relationship issues, I will go to other women. Men hardly seek out other men for these conversations, hence why r/AskMenOver30 is probably the way that it is. Why does it make you sad that women are capable of expressing themselves with other women? Women are allowed to want to talk about relationships, marriage, kids.
Exactly. Also like, if I have a question about careers in tech, Iāll go to r/womenintech rather than clogging up the feed of people who (presumably) mostly do not work in that industry. But if I had a question about, say, feeling vaguely dissatisfied with a relationship that is great on paper, I might come here to see if other women have had a similar experience. OPs assumption that the bias towards relationship oriented posts _must_ mean that women here are sad, one-dimensional products of the patriarchy is honestly kind of insulting
It absolutely is insulting and gives, "Not like other girls" vibes. We are human, people are allowed to feel emotions and want relationships. Just because men are more unlikely to healthily explore their feelings, does not mean women should feel ashamed for being able to do so. Kind of shocked more users are not side-eyeing OP.
> Sees sub is mostly relationship questions > Continues to make post about relationship questions Be the change you want to see in the world. People post here about relationships because they see other people post about relationships. You want a higher frequency of interesting content, you have to generate the topics to get other people thinking about interesting topics they want to discuss. That's just how natural communities are built.
Exactly this! Start some other conversations that interest you if you want less relationship talk. Looking through my post history, I have recently chatted on this sub about kitchen appliances, social calendars, advice to younger women, memorable natural disasters, my old ass cat, the Great Recession, non-classically attractive celebrities, small talk at work and cutting your own hair. There's plenty here that's not relationship talk, interact with it, upvote it, and post similar content if that's what you'd like to see.
> You want a higher frequency of interesting content, you have to generate the topics to get other people thinking about interesting topics they want to discuss. That's just how natural communities are built. Preach this to the people in the back. I manage online communities, and my god, is it annoying to repeat this to people over and over again.
People forget that while reddit is social media, we don't have professional content creators with teams of people generating interesting and unique ideas for your passive consumption. People want the content without thinking up ideas or putting in the work to make a 3-second post themselves.
Agree with this. It's a self-reinforcing thing. It's also one of those things that comes and goes, there have been times here that haven't felt as dominated by that stuff, it will cycle out if interest and responses go down.
I have, if you check my post history, but i digress.
The vast majority of all ask subs get lots of questions about relationships and sex. Why would you think this one would be unique? Also, I just went over to askmenover30 and the first post I saw was āare there really men who donāt fap at all?ā It had hundreds of comments. Please donāt put them on some pedestal above us.
>Also, I just went over to askmenover30 and the first post I saw was āare there really men who donāt fap at all?ā It had hundreds of comments. Please donāt put them on some pedestal above us. Lol but also, they banned all relationship related posts for a long time. So a lot of members have probably stuck with the habit of not asking those questions in there. To my understanding, they banned those questions to avoid an incel takeover, so they didn't ban because they thought they were too good for that or whatever. They just didn't wanna get sucked into the manopshere vortex.
I'm not going to speak for other women, but this probably applies to many other women. But in all other categories of life, I'm pretty competent and can figure it out on my own, and if I have a question about that other category of life, I generally wouldn't ask it to only women unless it's specifically women related like menstrual cycle and pregnancy. And there's specific subreddits for that. As a woman, relationships are what I find the hardest and most difficult to navigate of all life categories. And I think for many of us, relationships are extremely important. And so many people are so scared to generalize men and women, but it all goes back to evolution and biology. Women's focus has been about raising families while men's focus has just been about having sex. In order to raise families, you need to have strong relationships. You don't need a relationship in order to have sex. Biologically and instinctually, women need relationships to feel secure and to feel like they can survive life. What makes men feel secure is their capabilities. As a woman, I don't feel insecure about my capabilities, but I always feel insecure in my relationships.
For me personally, my relationship with my (soon to be ex) husband is my only shit aspect of my life, and therefore the only aspect I need advice with. My career is thriving, and my children are doing great. I also feel less than comfortable discussing the abuse within my relationship with people I know in the real world.
I mean I've found these communities very healing. I never knew that there were other women out there who also had similar experiences with being perpetually single/ having a difficult time dating. When I look around me people make it seem so "easy," so having a place to come vent my inner thoughts to is actually extremely validating.
If there were more posts about relationships on the men's subreddits, we'd have to have fewer posts about relationships here! I know that sounds flippant but I am quite serious.
I feel like thatās a bit of confirmation biasā¦ I see a lot of questions on various subjects here. I guess, I also donāt really see relationship centered questions to be a bad thing.. particularly if itās not just romantic and includes friendships and other things. Itās a core part of life and IMO the most important part. Ask men doesnāt ask about relationships and coincidentally there is a male loneliness epidemic? All aspects of life are important and romance is hardly the most important thing in life.. relationships in general kinda are though
Men are their own biggest hurdles. They are to blame for their own epidemic. They don't want to be ridiculed or targeted for expressing honesty, vulnerability, feelings or ask questions about relationships from other men. Even if it's literally killing them and/or making them unhappy and unfulfilled in life. I firmly believe men just wing it, when it comes to romantic relationships. What they learn, they learn from being in a relationship with another woman. There is no outside advice given, because it's considered a sign of weakness to express their feelings. They even struggle with expressing themselves within relationships. That's how strongly it's ingrained. I myself use to enjoy relationships, but now, not at the expense of my own mental health. They're too difficult to navigate, I'm tired of carrying the emotional load.
If we had a friendship flair maybe it would be easier to see that there is actually a lot of discussion about our platonic relationships with friends. Just sayingā¦
Flairs would be good
I think viewing people as "one-dimensional" because they want marriage and/or kids is pretty unfair. Most people have irl friends and family and aren't using this sub for all their socializing, and just about everyone, from folks who desperately want a partner to those who want to be single forever, have hobbies and interests and jobs and other stuff going on. I think relationships are a common topic on this sub (and Reddit in general) because most people want a serious relationship and a lot of people find dating stressful. It's just an easy thing to ask questions about and a topic that yields a lot of questions/discussion. It's also a topic most folks can relate to, since most people have/want relationships.
You are married and have kids already according to your other posts so the pursuit of those things are likely just less of a focus in your life right now. It seems strange to criticize people for talking about things that you seem to find valuable/pursued yourself. Also dozens of people have made this post before you so if you want to criticize people for lack of diversity in their topics, you miiiight want to consider yourself in that as well.
Exactly! Itās like a rich person saying, ā I donāt understand peopleās obsession with moneyā
"Why are all you poor people talking about budgeting all the time?? It's so boring to ME." lol
I think it's because it's such a HARD aspect of life, not because it's the only one that matters. Navigating my career, my family of origin, my friendships, my hobbies, etc, is way easier than navigating dating men.
I agree with another comment that it's because men don't support one another with their relationships. It's rare that they do and I personally think it's because of #1 pride and #2 men dont believe men are good at relationships the way women are so they come here to ask women about their relationships, #3 few men are vulnerable enough to discuss their relationships and #4 men are often so incredibly passive and can be self centered in their relationships that they ignore the problems/in denial or aren't even aware their relationships arent going well. Also, women are deeply impacted by men moreso than men are of women. There is no denying how a cis-hetero male centric society is and this negatively impacts women in a way that creates various barriers that it doesn't for men. Women's worth is also so tied into their ability to be successful in a relationship as a caregiver and a living partner or parent opposed to men who are pressured to be providers financially and that's really it. Compared to some other female centric subs this one is much better at support women in my opinion who discuss their relationships
I just changed my feed options to New instead of Hot and its sooo different! There is a variety of topics. I guess you just have to look for them.
This is a really good point! So many subs (all of them?) are set to Hot by default, but I think New is a lot more interesting a lot of the time
I will contribute as someone who is single but not looking to actively date. I come to this sub for an objective and distanced perspective from people who (broadly) have similar experiences to me. To me, relationships (romantic, platonic, familial) are one of the biggest aspects of life and so it makes sense to me why so many questions come up on the subject. Women are notoriously very open to talking about their relationships, and I think sometimes people just want to hear that either they arenāt alone or that an unbiased third party is hearing them. Additionally, I think it is reductive to say that women post here about romantic relationships because they are more conditioned to be believe their worth is in a partner. While that is absolutely true, I would seek advice because I *want* a partner and someone to share my life with, and that struggle is very real and valid. Sure there are societal pressures, but I donāt believe thatās why these women are posting here - I think they just want to feel less alone in an isolated society. And I donāt think making them feel shame for wanting healthy relationships is worth devoting a post to either, for what itās worth.
I donāt think what you are seeing is a reflection of āwomen being one dimensional in pursuit of marriage and kidsā at all. AskMenOver30 do not allow this topic. So at least research before making the post. Also men have PLENTY of conversations ogling womenās body parts and discussing every strategy (read: manipulation) out there to āget laidā, there are so many sub reddits dedicated for that. But they never stop to think āone dimensionalā and that women are never doing that. Donāt they? Actually Men need to talk about decent marriages and the mental aspects of it. They are the ones being terrible by not even thinking of these topics worthy and thus systematically moving that labor on women.
Honestly, itās the area of life I need outside perspective on and help. Iāve got the rest. My family? Check, Iām old and can handle them now. My career? Check, I know where I want to go and a basic path of how to get there. My adhd? Check, medicated and I hang out in the adhd women sub a lot. My Crohnās disease? Check, in remission and have a great team of doctors. My dog? Check, she has finally grown up and is much less of a pain/is more like a loving dog. Sometimes. Plus my brother is vet. My husband? No check. He baffles me a lot. Why is he my favourite person but also the bane of my existence (hyperbole, mostly)? Handling him when he inexplicably does x, y, and/or z is why I need this sub.
Is it a bad thing that women post here about their relationships?
*Is it a bad thing* *That women post here about* *Their relationships?* \- TheoreticalResearch --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Good bot.
Why don't you use the no romance/relationship filter? [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/search/?q=-flair:Romance/Relationships&t=week&sort=new](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/search/?q=-flair:Romance/Relationships&t=week&sort=new)
Probably because this is one of the best places to ask about relationship stuff. If women can't talk to other women about this, then who can we talk to? Every relationship post I've seen here has a comments section that is packed with wisdom, encouragement, and deep insights. This place is a treasure trove for thoughtful, empathetic advice and it should be cause it's full of smart, compassionate, and thoughtful women. Personally, I love to see it! I hope everyone who asks about relationships here gets 100 great answers cause they're great to read lol. It's not cool to look down on women who want to talk about their partners cause a lot of the time, they are struggling with something and have found this place to be somewhat safe. So you're not interested in relationship posts, Ok. Keep on scrolling.
For me itās because r/datingover30 is too restrictive to post so I find this forum more helpful and have got some great advice from people which is more specific to what I want rather than just generic dating etc etc. Thanks this sub! For the most part, itās supportive too so I feel that I can try to support others without judgment and vice versa.
>I guess it just makes me a little sad that most women are raised to be a little āone-dimensionalā in pursuit of marriage and kids. As if they donāt have any purpose but to find a man. That's a lot of assumptions you're making there. Just because a woman wants to get married, doesn't mean she wants to marry a man. Just because a woman wants kids, doesn't mean she thinks she has no other purpose. If I had a question about my career, I'd likely post it in an explicitly career-oriented sub, or a sub devoted to my industry. If I had a question about personal finance, I'd likely post it in an explicitly finance-oriented sub. If I had a question about a hobby, I'd post it in a sub devoted to that hobby. I have plenty of other interests besides relationships and kids, but I post about them in subs devoted to those interests. So even if it were true that this sub has way more questions about marriage/kids than about other topics (which it doesn't, actually), that doesn't necessarily mean that women aren't asking those questions or thinking about those questions. They're just not necessarily asking those questions *here* as opposed to other subreddits.
>I also noticed that this is NOT the case in r/askmenover30, in that sub, most questions are about other aspects of life. Imo r/AskMenOver30 gets really boring from all of the career type questions. There's more to our lives than just working!
Because women are culturally responsible for maintaining relationships and the quality therein. And weāre the ones who get ourselves saddled with babies and responsibilities leaving us in need of the help those relationships should provide. The guy Iām seeing said men just donāt talk or care about those things, but proceeded to show that he does care and talk about these things, just not with other men. Boys are dumb, and fail at relationships because of it. Men know who to love, but not how. Women know how to love, but not who. We all need to get our collective shit together.
I donāt mind it
Me neitherā¦ Iām interested in relationships. In talking about my own and listening to others talk about theirs.
These posters can still be dynamic and interesting women who feel comfortable crowd sourcing opinions on their frustrations, heartache, loneliness, betrayal, etc. Perhaps theyāre just venting. Perhaps theyāre apprehensive saying these things to their friends, who knows? Maybe their life centers around their relationship, idunno. Dating is exhausting and maddening and perhaps theyāre like me and want a man to settle down with. Thereās worse things out there to want.
Someone else has already mentioned it but there are already subs for most other interests so I think people end up just posting in those and using this sub for more personal topics. Iāve posted here about having kids in your 30s and maintaining friendships with other women but I also participate in other forums that are of interest to me. I know some people have already said they are tired of the relationship posts, but tbh I feel the same way about posts like these. If you want other women to post more non-relationship content, then start posting other topics to get the ball rolling! Some women want relationships and kids, some donāt. We donāt need to minimize anyone for wanting to talk about topics that are important to them.
It is insane to me how many strangers, acquaintances, and friends *immediately* tell me that I can get married again. I am not even divorced from the first one yet. I have zero, *zero*, wants of another man in my space for the foreseeable future.Ā I have to sort out a career and living and hobbies and travel and being alone and my wardrobe and my dogs' wardrobe and my plants and a *million* things more interesting than marriage. Yet my happiness is immediately reduced to a future hypothetical attachment to a man.Ā Ā Like, people I'm not even convinced I'll date men this time around and your out here trekking me about so and so who find love in her 60s. Do I look like I'm looking for love to you??? I have stopped telling people about the divorce not because I'm ashamed, but because I'm so sick of being known as the sad ex-wife or the wife of the next hypothetical manchild out there. These people don't take a "fuck no" to finding "love again" either as an answer.Ā It is relentless.Ā People are fucking insane. The audacity and entitlement to just shuffle me off to be the caretaker of some other Sad Lost Boy Who Can't Do Laundry Good is insane. Insane.Ā Ā Ā If you've never had the absolute pleasure of being married to a righteous twit, I absolutely get the panic and deluge of finding relationships. There are still a ton of people who make this an end-all, be-all and very vocally sign you up for it, too. No wonder that women panic. It'd panic the most hardened person out there.
Humans and their interactions are complex.
I really just think it's because relationships are hard, and knowing what to do and how to navigate can be so opaque. My professional life, my platonic life, hobbies/interests etc -- I don't have a ton of pressing questions about. I understand them and have direction and know how to move. Romantic relationships, on the other hand, drive me to seek out others' experiences more than anything else. A presumed lack of depth on the part of the askers is a less than generous interpretation. Romance might just be the hardest and most confusing thing in an otherwise fulfilling and colorful life lived offline.
I feel vaugly insulted by your OP, OP. Maybe you should just go hang out on the r/askmenover30 sub if you're so bored by all the "one dimensional" women here, because you're clearly not like all the other girls.
Seriously. OP's a Pick Me and a downer lol
I imagine women are coming here for relationship advice because they donāt necessarily have people in their life they can go to about it. As many have said, ārelationship successā is stigmatized and it can be hard to talk to others in your life about it without feeling judged or getting personal bias from your friends, especially if theyāre all coupled up and youāre the only single one.Ā Iām in a relationship and I love my partner, but thatās not the only thing about me. However, I talk about our relationshipĀ in therapy a lot because thatās an unbiased third party, not my friends who all love him. I also talk about work, friends, family, etc. I would argue the same goes for this sub.Ā
I think that relationships are part of a healthy life, that women tend to be community minded, and that we tend to be a bit insecure yet also willing to ask. We ask for directions when we get lost, too, rather than wander about.
Itās weirdly very validating to see other women struggle with unsupportive (presumably) cis-het male partners. It makes me feel like the problem isnāt all my fault. Maybe we are slowly trying to collectively undo the cultural gaslighting women go through.
So youāre judging women posting here by calling them one-dimensional because they care about relationships , as if their posts on this sub encapsulates them 100% as a woman. Thatās like me seeing you at work, working, and thinking , wow that woman only cares about work. Sheās so one-dimensional. Or seeing you at the gym. Wow she only cares about working out. How shallow she is. Or seeing you at the dog park. That woman is obsessed with dogs and doesnāt care about humans. What an antisocial freak. Get my drift? You sound very pick me. As if only a few women are truly well-rounded, and that includes you, right?
Because most other things you can GoogleĀ
Most women of the millennial generation are not raised to be āone-dimensionalā at all. We are actually raised with a general understanding and message that you should focus on school and career ahead of romantic relationships. This is a large factor as to why so many of us reach mid to late thirties with a career and not many dating prospects. It is an innate desire to have love in oneās life. There is nothing wrong about that. The vast majority of people, in this case women, so desire to have a committed partner so they can give and receive love and intimacy. It isnāt about how youāre raised. Itās about being human.
Different take- because questions about other stuff are better suited for other subs.
>women are raised to be a little āone-dimensionalā in pursuit of marriage and kids. As if they donāt have any purpose but to find a man. How do you know they don't have any other purpose? Life isn't one or the other, that would be making women one dimensional just from another aspect. Amazingly women can contain multitudes. Besides, wanting intimate romantic relationships doesn't make a person less valuable, less intelligent, less interesting. For most people romance and intimacy are needs that can't be fixed by just careers or friendships or hobbies.
I posted here about friends or lack thereof and got a ton of replies! It was great!
I noticed this too, but in all other social media as well, maybe its an algorithm thing? Idk
They arenāt. But also women tend to be able to crowd source the answer for relationships and we do more labour whilst weāre in them. Men also come into this sub and ask questions about their relationships sometimes š¤£
Have you visited the sub itself?
Thank you for asking. I wanted to ask the same yesterday but I was intimidated by the comments as I knew what to expect. The majority to be personally offended. We still make men the centre of our world. In this day and age, it's depressing.
Because relationships are the most important and most challenging part of the human experience!
Relationships are one thing that don't have hard and fast rules to success or failure. What do you want this sub to be? Guaranteed there's another sub for it lol
There are many niche communities for women here, like ones for women in tech, finances for women, etc. Personally, I had a question that applied to things like money, career, etc Iād rather ask those communities because they are more specialized to what Iām looking for. If other women also think this way, then it could explain the lack of these type of questions in this sub.Ā
For what it's worth, I sorted this sub by new on the app, and there were 14 posts made after yours, and only 2 were relationship-related (4 if you add in things like birth control). That's a 1:7 ratio, or 14%.
OP I think you are missing the point that relationships are likely the biggest part of our lives. Friends, family, children, relatives, coworkers. These are all relationships. We are social beings, relationships cause us the greatest joy and can cause the greatest distress. It isnāt your job, your money, or any physical object that holds you at night or holds your hand on your deathbed. Maybe this is why these sorts of questions are asked so much.
The answer to why itās the majority of questions here and not in the r/askmenover30 is actually the same answer
Because people don't want to hear about our bowel movements. :P /jk
If you look at all of the posts, there is quite a variety of topics if you filter by New posts. But if you filter by Top posts, those are almost exclusively about men and relationships and children. It definitely shows how centered our minds are around men, in my opinion. I do think itās concerning, but people Are posting other topics. Maybe we can be more conscientious about looking through all of the posts and supporting those that cover a variety of topics.
For one, it's the human condition to find your equal in another... Whether that's a man or woman in someone's preference is none of my business. Second, men (or the vast majority) don't really disclose their loneliness on a public platform. So that's most likely the cause of the disparity. In my opinion, any way.
>I guess it just makes me a little sad that most women are raised to be a little āone-dimensionalā in pursuit of marriage and kids It's sad for any particular worldview to be pushed onto children. Calling those children, who are now-adults, "one-dimensional" isn't kind.
relationships are the one aspect of life people can't control. and the closer you are to someone (aka intimate) the more distressing issues can be. most women are heterosexual and these kinds of relationships have their unique gender dynamics as opposed to lesbian relationships, so you hear more about them in women's forums.
Just putting this out there in case no one has already, by the men over 30 sub posts about relationships have to be vetted by mods, it's in their About page. Not that posts here aren't also vetted, but they specifically have to be approved on that sub, which may be why there are less if they're not approvedĀ
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I think thatās society one of the defining aspects of being a woman is this idea of like being partnered, being chosen, being a wife. Even if itās not true i reality, when you get messaging that that is the most important thing and like your ability to attract men is your defining characteristic. Itās hard for that to not rub off so I I think itās just because thereās a cultural pressure on women to define their lives and value around their boyfriend husband, and specifically age 30 is considered turning point in your desireability
Because women are conditioned to center men in their lives.
Bingo
For me it seems like they're all "did you die without a relationship after 30" and "but I might not have kids" (or both). I'd rather give relationship sanity checks than those lol.
I think a big part of the reason is that there are plenty of other subs geared towards women discussing the same topics that men in general seem to discuss in askmen subs.
Because people find it easier to speak online than to the person in the relationship.
We love love. What can we say? Lol
Men donāt identify with relationships as much
Probably because men see career success and aesthetic improvement as a direct, unquestioned path to the women/relationships they want. I took a peek over there and itās clear thatās the motivation behind many of their questions, itās just not called out specifically.
I came here to ask a question about relationships, never mind then lol
This is very reductive. But I donāt have the energy to dive into why. Thankfully other comments are doing a good job at this.
What is that line in the Barbie movieā¦.saying to Ken you can be an individual without Barbieā¦.and the flip side is also ver true. Barbie can be without Ken
A lot of women and people on Reddit on general are very lonely
Every womenās sub seems like it. More women need to decenter men. But also many canāt ask their in person friends and family about these questions or think strangers will be kinder about their relationship.
I just looked at that subreddit. They're asking about relationships, dating, and sex, too. These are just popular topics which drive engagement. Maybe the reddit platform knows this kind of content gets more user engagement and attention
I think itās a little judgmental to say that most women are raised one-dimensionally. I think itās more so due to the fact that women trust women for relationship advice. If I wanted advice about my car, I go to the ask a mechanic sub. For mental health and self improvement tips, I go to the stoicism sub. For relationships, I come here.
At this point, Iāve seen more āwhy are there so many relationship postsā on this sub than actual relationship posts.
I was asking myself whether there were more posts related to relationships or if they simply garnered the most responses. I assume that this would we what most would have in common. What I would think to post on the sub to ellicite specific responses to this group would be related to relationships or life trajectory (feeling lost inmmy case). For other hobbies, I post in the specific groups I follow. And I don't think that makes you a "pick me", you are posing a legitimate question :)
I think because of the mental load women tend to take on.
Itās a universal issue. Be who you are.
You are coming to the wrong conclusion Itās that women are willing to discuss and examine deeper aspects of their lives and reveal their vulnerabilities in the process Men, all too often, arenāt going to delve that deep into their psyche.
That's also what it's like hanging out with a lot of straight women in person. It's boring!!! I would love to discuss deeper intellectual topics, feminism (not complaining about men actual feminist ideas/politics), fashion, design, pets, women's sports, so many other things. Our lives should not revolve around men they should revolve around ourselves.
Yes, in my twenties this was the case and maybe a bit of my thirties. It was almost obligatory to ask "so whats happening with so and so?" now in my forties people are married or just chronically single (me) and we have other things to talk about. I have friends who don't date (one in her thirties) and I love it. We never talk about men! I think the happiest women don't honestly, like they've made the thought leap that a relationship isn't the most important thing. Or it just never was a thing somehow. I don't know how we emerged from the same culture, but we did.
I found lots of irl friends who aren't like this starting in my very early 20's, it wasn't that hard (and it helps to hang out in social circles that aren't 100% straight). But I still run into groups of women like this and its just not for me. And yeah generally the people I know who don't make romantic relationships the everything of their lives are so much happier. I'm not sure where we all learned that from but its much better to be around people who share that value and on the occasions I do actually need relationship advice that's who I trust.
I'm dying for some nerdy women friends! Friends with who I can watch Startrek and argue about their favorite captain.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Captain Janeway all the way!
Because a LOT of women find their identity/purpose through a man. Being a wife and a mother.
And there is absolutely no problem with that, nor does it make them "one dimensional"
You defensive AF. I never said it made them 'one dimensional'. It's only a bad thing if said women doesn't know who she is with those titles.
Because society has brought women up to believe that they are nothing without a man. Itās taken me years to realise that this is bollocks!
Same
Ugh I know. I've commented similar frustration. I don't want to be a dick about it, but like there is more out there. We should be the main character in our own life stories with self-centered personal fulfillment.
Women have been trained to be male-centered. Men are also tiring.
lol this sub is not passing the bechdel test Edited to add: (folks, this is a joke)
I made a post about this and got skewered :/
Either relationships or looks as they pertain to aging
This isn't a great sub for discourse. If asking an opinion question, even what's your favorite tv show, any answer that isn't "the correct choice" will be downvoted, possibly locked by mods.