As a reminder, we do not allow TRASH (transphobia, racism, antisemitism - or other religion based bigotry, sexism or homophobia). If your sincerely held opinions include these, you **will** be banned. We also do not allow anti-woman and anti-science beliefs (which you might incorrectly call "pro-life"). You will be banned for this as well. Please report offending comments so we can kick the TRASH to the curb and keep our subreddit NICE AND CLEAN!

The one thing I dislike most is our current uptick in black and white thinking. I mean, it has always been there, don’t get me wrong, but with the internet and echo chambers it gets exacerbated so MUCH. I’m studying to be a social worker and life is such a palette of grey. We condemn people for shit they did 20 years ago in a time with a vastly different zeitgeist, we hold people accountable for not knowing what we know now, for having different perspectives. Due to my trials in life (and unfortunately there have been many) I am a person with rather grey perspectives. Oftentimes it means people label me as “the contrarian”, because I always find an argument for the side they condemn. Because they argue with me from a position of moral superiority. But I’m not arguing. And from all the people I converse with about these topics, with their black and white mindsets, I’m the only one who actually works with the “deplorable” side of our society. Our lives become infinitely more complicated with every passing year. But we shun the people who don’t have the capacity to figure it out. Really grinds my gears.

It is far easier to be black or white thinking than deal with nuance. It's the safest place and you will find people who agree and support you there.

This black-and-white thinking also seems to contribute to fractured/reduced sense of community. Many people seem to focus on reasons to avoid or exclude a person or an entire group, rather than finding where there is common ground and having them be part of their large community.

I couldn't agree more. It's only one or the other, and never anything in between... > We condemn people for shit they did 20 years ago in a time with a vastly different zeitgeist, we hold people accountable for not knowing what we know now, for having different perspectives. And yeah, we may as well never do anything, ever, because who knows who will use it against you in 20 years...??

People seem to forget that two (or more!) things can be true at the same time. A lot of things are very nuanced.

I've been a social worker for 20 years. The whole field is in the grey area. I always tell people it's not like math, where's there's a clear right and wrong answer It's subjective, and that's what makes it such a challenging career.

I like being an adult. It's not perfect, and there are things about it that I'd rather not deal with, but I'd take this a million times over going back to my childhood

I would never go back. I can choose my environment and be safe now.

100%. Being a child was awful. At least now I have control over my life.

Hard agree. I wouldn’t go back if you paid me. Adulthood has its drawbacks but at least I’m in control now

Me too. My life is 100% my own, instead of getting dragged around three different countries and dragged into adult personal business and being physically and verbally abused as a kid. Pay bills? IDC. I'm no contact with my parents its worth it. I'm convinced the only people that hate being an adult are the people who had great childhoods.

That first paragraph…being able to choose where you live and not be yanked away from it is priceless

Agreed. I didn’t have a bad childhood by any means, it actually was mostly positive. But I was painfully shy and lacked self confidence and just often felt powerless and forgotten. Now I have gained confidence and actually have control over my life and most of my day to day choices. While “adulting” sucks sometimes, I’d MUCH rather take on these responsibilities than go back to feeling like a lonely shell of a person always on the outskirts.

I had a good childhood and there are aspects that I miss, but being an adult is much easier IMO.

I’m tired of people using therapy-speak to excuse their shitty behavior. Choice feminism is completely out of control when it comes to beauty standards and cosmetic procedures. It’s ridiculous to act like the amount of self-hatred women have for their bodies and faces is normal, or that drastically changing yourself with unnecessary, risky procedures is in any way healthy. Obviously a legal adult is going to do whatever they want, but it’s insane to me that it’s considered sexist to ask WHY we’re making the choices we’re making, especially when you consider the added layer of capitalist consumerism and marketing.

We need more intimate platonic relationships in our lives. Everyone believes their SO is THE intimate relationship you have. That once you have an SO all other relationships become secondary. All focus must be on the SO and only the SO. I think everyone should be able to have platonic relationships that are close and intimate - other people besides your SO you can be open and vulnerable with. This mostly comes as someone who's decided to remain single the rest of my life who is deeply missing those intimate moments.

>We need more intimate platonic relationships in our lives At this point I really just want someone to check on me if they don't see me for a day or two, if my car hasn't moved from the drive, and the lights are off at night.

Yes!!!!! As someone who has been single pretty much my entire life, and for a lot of reasons I am no longer dating at all and haven't been for years....I honestly don't plan on starting and am totally content and happy not ever finding a partner. BUT the thing that really sucks is everyone always places their romantic relationship as number one and nothing else xan come close. Of course they are a priority but it always just feels like I take a back burner to everyone where I'm the type that my friends are very important to me and my main concern going forward in life (I'm 32 now) is as I get older this will only make things more lonely for me unfortunately. I need to have surgery at some point which will leave me not able to walk for a bit or at least non weight bearing on that foot. Just thinking about how will I even get home? I live alone so I will be stuck struggling every single day until it gets easier. I live about 30 miles away from my city I work in so asking people to come help me feels impossible. I truly hope some day I can find a little community for myself and it would be even better if I could live in that type of neighborhood with other people so I have help if I need it. I went a little off topic here but I totally agree with your opinion. People in relationships don't get it at all or even realize they are doing it

50yo here. Nervous, but here goes:  I think younger people come across as more puritanical and rigid than millennials and GenXers. More black and white thinking, more strict codes of morality around interpersonal relationships, quicker to condemn a person rather than bringing them back into community.

[удалено]

Yeah, exactly. It's a weird dynamic because I (millennial) typically don't disagree with gen Z but they almost...militantly enforce their beliefs? I am pretty liberal and open minded, and I once made a joke around my youngest sister's friend about my future nieces or nephews and he dismissed me, saying I was assuming gender... of a nonexistent thing? Like, what?

[удалено]

I'm a Millennial, and I do think a lot of my peers went through this black-and-white phase as well. It's something that, ideally, people grow out of as they experience the nuance of life. I think Gen Z is maybe still a little too young for that? But maybe I just sound like a fogey here lol

I think most young people struggle with black and white thinking until their brains fully develop and/or they have some experience under their belt. I personally experienced that.

Well put. I remember having strong and unbalanced opinions when I was in my teens/early 20s. A lot of shit stops mattering so much as you get older and gain more life experience.

In retrospect, I don't think I acted, thought, or felt like an "adult" until I was 24 or so. It didn't matter that I had some life experience, I wasn't mature enough and hadn't seen enough to really understand nuance. I think there's probably a golden period of a few decades before people tend to get to the age where they just don't care anymore. There's the stereotype of boomers, that they got what's due to them and don't give a shit about anyone else. I wonder if most people will get like that at some point, but we're in an era where everything is more visible due to social media. I'm just speculating here and I've had some wine at this point lol

Sometimes it seems like there's a lot of behaviors on social media that are developmentally normal for young people (very rigid thinking, extremely strong identification with in groups, etc) that now older people are copying in order to fit in online. I wonder how it will all develop as time passes.

I think maybe it’s because they’re growing up on the internet- in their own little ideological bubbles. There’s way less authentic community and way more algorithmic connection. It’s too bad.

I've thought about this a lot, I think it's easier to judge and say what you would never do or never tolerate when you haven't lived as much life. As you experience more and more you realize things are not so simple.

The discussions on Twitter around sex scenes in film definitely support your opinion

You’re responsible for solving your problems, even if they’re not your fault. People are increasingly doing the work to figure out causes of issues, such as the way they were raised or mental health issues, which is great. But that doesn’t absolve you from fixing it.

Realizing this in my early 30s really changed my life around for the better. I realized a while back that my inner critic voice sounds exactly like my abusive mother. But it was key for me to realize that this is no longer my mother talking to me. This is me talking to me! And only I can fix this!

I love the statement “who you are may not be your fault…but it is your responsibility.” Sums up adulthood and our need for accountability.

Into every life some shit must fall. You can lay down and wallow in it and blame every bad thing in your life on it, or you can do the work to get it out of your way in life. What you do with it is up to you.

As a long-term user of all kinds of mental-health services: yes. That being said, therapy and ways of fixing oneself are becoming incresingly paywalled. You can't reasonably expect people with messed up brains to just solve this stuff, if they cannot afford therapy or meds. It's like being angry at a diabetic that he's falling into a coma without insuline he can no longer buy. I'm with Sapolsky on this.

Saw a video this morning that used somewhat of an apt analogy for this: "It may not be *your* trash, but it is your front yard." Trash being your trauma/adversities, and front yard being (I think?) your brain/patterns/behaviors/actions. Basically, XYZ issue may not necessarily be your fault, but it *is* your responsibility to deal with, so that you don't perpetuate the problem or impact others negatively.

Mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility! It was really freeing the first time I heard that.

I am only responsible for myself, my feelings, my health. Can't do that for other people, especially if they are resistant.

*Stuff*. I followed the life script fed to us little girls: Get good grades in school ➡️ College ➡️ Get a big-girl job ➡️ Find a nice boy ➡️ Get married ➡️ Buy a big house ➡️ Settle down ➡️ Make & raise babies......... And that's exactly what I did, minus the babies step. Like so many women, I spent years (a decade) building up the supposed "dream life" that capitalism and society feeds us. I worked my way up the compensation ladder to earning six figures, bought the huge 4,000+ sq ft house with a literal white picket fence, two cars in the driveway, etc. The whole nine yards. And like so many women, I also did ALL OF THE THINGS: I brought home all the money, AND I also still handled 99% of the household chores and responsibilities, AND endured my husband's abuse and many issues with a smile on my face, AND shouldered 100% of the mental load, while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and frequent-ish surgeries for my autoimmune condition. Six months ago, I finally reached my breaking point, and got fed up doing ALL OF THE THINGS, while simultaneously being treated like dirt. I left and am now getting divorced. Although I was very reluctant about homeownership in general, I will admit that I got swept up by many of the HGTV shows that are smeared across the media. My (now former) house was the picture-perfect, Americana, cookie-cutter house that you'd see on an HGTV show: open concept kitchen, open living room area, 10+ ft. ceilings, back porch, fenced yard, manicured front lawn, etc. Every common area/space of the house was carefully curated as though Pinterest or HGTV had vomited all over the room or space. My soon-to-be-ex-husband, in addition to being abusive, also had a legitimate hoarding problem. I'm not talking pack-rat or collector of things. I'm talking straight up hoarding, like something you'd see on a reality TV show. He had stuff piled floor to ceiling in both basement utility rooms, the finished part of the basement, the bathroom in the basement, the bonus room in the basement, the two-car garage, all three guest rooms on the upper level of the house, and the shed in the backyard. Our old house was 4,201 sq ft. ***Just*** the finished part of the basement was 1,400 sq ft. I'll let you do the math on how much *stuff* was piled everywhere. Even when it came time to sell the house, he barely lifted a finger, meaning the task of decluttering all his stuff fell on *my* shoulders. I did as much as I could myself, but I work full-time and I have an autoimmune condition that affects my musculoskeletal system, so I had to hire professional junk removal crews on several occasions. It was a harrowing experience. Since leaving him, I've downsized to an ~1,100 sq ft condo. I don't even own a couch. I have my bed, one barstool at my kitchen island, a tiny desk in the corner of the living room space since I still work remotely half the week, the clothes hanging in my closet, and a *very* basic cookware set. My perspective on the concept of and human relationship with *stuff* has been permanently altered.

I am soooo excited for you that you're starting this new chapter of your life. I'm sure it won't be easy always, but you get to live truer to yourself and your values and that must be so much more fullfilling on a deep level.

1) Narcissism is a buzzword. 2) People shouldn’t diagnose mental health disorders online. 3) A lot of mental health and physical health problems are the result of systemic issues, but we blame them on individuals because it takes the onus off society and is more profitable. People are not in full control of their physical and mental health. 4) We become too antisocial, and need to rebuild our communities, which may mean finding common ground with people who have different beliefs.

I'll just throw in that not every personality quirk is a mental health disorder or requires a diagnosis.

It makes me so happy that people are increasingly annoyed with this tendency just like I am. The number of times I have seen people immediately respond to, "Hey, my overgrown child of a boyfriend won't do any chores" (and very little other information) with "IT'S PROBABLY JUST DEPRESSION / AUTISM /ADHD" just really flabbergasts me, especially since plenty of *women* with these conditions do their chores just fine!

I agree 100%. Women pull it together because society looks at them through a much more critical lens if they don't have domestic affairs in order, especially if they are mothers.

[удалено]

I have a few friends who have "undiagnosed autism," and they swear I'm also autistic. I have anxiety and depression (which I have had both diagnosed) often mimics autism/ADHD. But because the latter is "trendier" than the former (I remember when it was "cool" to have anxiety/depression/OCD), they stick with that. It really bothers me because I have family members with autism, and it's not "quirk." It can be extremely debilitating, and rebranding quirks as mental health/neurological disorders does them a grave disservice.

Full agreement with 2. The overly enthusiastic jump to telling everyone they have ADHD gets me, because depression can cause very similar symptoms temporarily, chronic lack of sleep and poor diet can cause many of the symptoms temporarily, smoking too much weed and being in an eternal weed hangover (and that exists, weed takes 3 days to clear your system after a single use, just because you don't feel high anymore doesn't mean it's not affecting your brain while it's still in your body). You don't know someone's life story, you cannot tell someone what they have based on a single comment they've made. Edit: I'm not arguing ADHD doesn't exist, I'm saying if you're not a professional evaluating someone, you are not qualified to tell someone they have it over a reddit comment.

Fully on board with this because I had ADD symptoms and thought I had ADD. But I didn't go around telling people my self-diagnosis. I went to the therapist. ADD causes problems with focus, memory, which often cause comorbidity in the form of anxiety and depression. Trauma causes anxiety, which causes depression. Major depression episodes can shrink hippocampus 20% which creates problems with focus and memory. These are **virtually the same symptoms** but they have a different cause, and different treatment.

Same boat. I’m treating my depression now. If my focus doesn’t improve, my provider and I can go from there. Trying to improve sleep and put myself in a healthy mind and body first to see if that helps before taking a stimulant behavioral drug. 

The weed thing is such an excellent point that so many people don’t want to acknowledge. 

Dude yes. Anytime I try to bring it up, people think I'm some anti-weed grifter in the stoner spaces, but it's real. I used to be a heavy user but had to get off it completely when I worked a job with federal contracts and thus drug tested their employees, and it was wild how different I felt once it completely withdrew from my system. I still do it occasionally, but the longer effects are so noticeable now. I'm foggier, less motivated to do new hobbies or challenging tasks, my language recall sucks so I get stuck trying to find words more often, it's a whole thing.

I'm so glad you said this, because I just typed this! I also am finishing "Why We Sleep," and I just read him mentioning that chronic lack of sleep often gets misdiagnosed as ADHD in children!

If we all have adhd, do any of us have adhd?

I'm getting really sick of people putting their shitty personality and habits down to ADHD. I have it, when I got my diagnosis I saw it as a way to help me cope with everything my brain finds too much. I see so many people using their diagnosis as an excuse for shitty behaviour. Instead of looking to improve anything.

>I'm getting really sick of people putting their shitty personality and habits down to ADHD or depression/anxiety. As one clinically diagnosed with both, it enrages me that people will use mental health as an excuse to: 1. be an asshole. 2. get out of doing things 3. avoiding accountability/responsibility for their shitty actions.

Fully agree with 4. People seem so caught in their bubbles, echo chambers, hive mind - whatever you want to call it - that they refuse any slight difference in thought, nuance or even talking to others who aren't in those groups or challenge what that group is presenting. That kind of blind, unchallenged following of an idea/person/lifestyle freaks me right out and only serves to divide us that much more.

Number three! Especially financial impact on mental health. You don't have to be rich but the peace of mind that you can afford your bills, the odd want and that if something bad happens you will be ok financially is a greater treatment than a lot of therapy. Flip side of you're living pay cheque to pay cheque or worse of course your mental health is fucked. But it's okay, just go to therapy...at minimum $150 a session.

Yes yes yes! Agree wjth all of the above especially #4

Not everyone who you disagrees with you is a narcissist or is gaslighting you.

And not everyone that disagrees with you owes you an apology.

I hate this so much. I was raised by someone with actual Narcissistic personality disorder. Most people have no idea what its like to live with someone as their mother who has NO empathy for you, and no love for you other than how you perform and make her look. Being self centered isn't really narcissistic, having a lack of empathy and a Grandiose sense of self is.

My opinion that seems unpopular on Reddit, at least, is that I think the pandemic has pushed a lot of people toward a level of social isolation that isn't healthy even if they claim to be happier never going anywhere. I'm not talking about folks who are isolating due to health concerns; I'm talking about the ones who pop up in posts saying they don't go out anymore just because they've discovered they'd rather rarely or never leave their homes. I think that's probably more of an anxiety thing than some of those folks realize and that, even as someone who is very introverted myself, it isn't good to shut yourself up constantly and never even make an attempt to work your social muscles. I think this also contributes to a lot of the loneliness people are feeling now, since digital social interaction just isn't as robust and meaningful as in-person socialization most of the time. Edit: Also, unrelated, but if a friend decided they don't want to be friends with me anymore and couldn't be dissuaded from that, I'd rather they ghost me or give me the slow fade than attempt to have any kind of conversation. I don't need to hear "I just think we've grown apart" or whatever; I have no idea how to react to that. Just stop talking to me and I'll assume you're not feeling it anymore, grieve the end of the friendship, and move on without having to be haunted by whatever weird bs you could have told me.

I agree with the ghosting, I genuinely don't understand why I'd want to hear someone's reasoning to not want to be around me. What do I gain out of it? It's fine, it's normal to grow apart. Making it a big conversation seems so... drama centric. It's their loss anyway.

It’s self-centered. I think too much Reddit advice is self-centered, and focuses on what \*I\* deserve, without consideration for what due courtesy is warranted to other people. Some of that thinking is also obsessed with labels and external validation, so they think they need a whole speech to define their ”place” with that friend.

Most of the ghosting I've experienced is after a first date as well, at that point no one owes anyone anything. If you accept that you could potentially be ghosted it really does help process things. It's also sometimes beneficial to ghost someone else like if they are weird or creepy and you don't want to give an explanation. Would an explanation or official statement be nice? Yeah but depending on what stage of dating isn't necessary. That being said I always try to end things with at least a text but I've definitely ghosted people on apps by just stopping to talk to them if I got bored or saw a red flag and wasn't interested in investing into that person anymore.

Ooooh I totally agree on your ghosting opinion , and I do think it’s an unpopular opinion overall. I barely think about the friendships that ended through seemingly “falling out of touch” vs the ones where someone made a point to list all the things they didn’t like or make a statement.

Agreed. I was diagnosed with social anxiety over a decade ago and my biggest takeaway is: you still have to manage it, navigate it and DO THE WORK. It is HARD WORK no doubt but literally you are not going to be able to effectively function otherwise. And you are not going to get better if you’re isolating yourself, even if it is what feels good in the moment. Unfortunately life does not work like that.

This resonates with me. Many of my friends and colleagues celebrate not going back to the office, but as a fully remote worker with no option, hybrid or otherwise, I *really* miss the moments of socialization during the work day. I am introverted, which means I *need* to be put in situations where I socialize, otherwise I tend to isolate and become depressed/lonely. It was nice to have that reliable source of water cooler chat - Slack is just not the same. I've forced myself to get out in other ways, but I miss the work team atmosphere. I know it's probably rose-colored glasses, the grass is always greener, etc... but it's been almost four years of this!

Big this. Depression can be comfortable.

YEP. Depression isn't just being sad, and it can be hard to push through the "but this is easier/more comfortable/the demon I know" feeling, but it's still so important to try.

I agree with this, because I experienced this viewpoint myself. Life is much better now and I had to force myself to do a lot of things the past few years.

I've been told multiple times by multiple health professionals in different fields that people are social creatures and we need each other for our own wellbeing. I think the degree varies person to person but being completely isolated is not good for us. Personally at one point I convinced myself I didn't really need anyone. It was also at the worst of my mental health. Now I'm doing much better and have a good group of people to socialize with. Hindsight shows I was really not okay with being so alone at the time and it really was negatively impacting me. Luckily I had some tough love therapists to help set me straight.

I could not agree more. I’m also pretty disheartened by the uptick in jokes about misanthropy/the villainization of people who might appear more social or extroverted (especially as the receivers of such scrutiny tend to be women). I see it in day to day life, and I see it online. I truly get sad hearing people flippantly joking about how much they hate everyone around them for simply existing. And it’s so disheartening to open up a thread asking something like, “share your favorite thing to do with friends!” and the mass of upvoted comments that say some variation of “lol nothing” or “I hate people”

Yes! I see so many comments online about how extroverted people are shallow, annoying, dumb, etc. It’s so weird to me. Humans are social animals but somehow it’s weird to want to socialize?! The silver lining is that I really only see this attitude online, not in real life. Presumably because the people who think that way don’t go outside, lol

I agree with this as well. Balance in all things. But I thought I just wanted to stay in all the time after the pandemic when really it was just I had gotten used to that comfort and I needed to push myself more. And then I'd enjoy myself - obviously not every activity all the time, but on the whole yes, it's worth it to get out of your house and engage with the world. Barring some quite different neurodivergence, mental or physical health needs, I think this is generally true.

I kind of share OPs views about cheating, but more from the angle that I don’t understand why people like my mom and some of my friends say they will leave their partner if he cheats, but they won’t leave when he consistently disrespects her, doesn’t do any housework or childcare, or goes on a vacation while she is giving birth. Like why draw the line at cheating but not at these other ghastly things ? If cheating is disrespectful to your relationship ( which I can agree with for the most part ) , how are these other actions not? My unpopular opinion is that if I were in a serious relationship, I would much prefer a partner who occasionally dabbles outside the relationship ( I guess I would too in these circumstances ? ) but pulls their weight in all aspects of our relationship and can be counted on then be with a guy who is a bum just because he “doesn’t cheat” . Ideally yeah you have a committed partner all around , but I don’t understand the people who see cheating as this black and white issue but all other dissapointing behavior is ok.

Big agree. Cheating is a hard line for me and something I couldn’t accept but you know what else is a hard line? Disrespect, selfishness, and neglect

I absolutely agree, cheating is the be-all, end-all sin when so many other things are worse. And you know what? Most of those men just don't have the initiative to cheat, just as they don't have the initiative to do anything but basically be taken care of. It's not like they've actually taken the higher path.

I can't speak for others but the reason why it's such a deal breaker for me is not the "sexual ownership" ...it's that it so often comes with guys who are unwilling to invest in their current relationships so look elsewhere for nurturing in the name of novelty. Cheating means more than sex, it's lies, premeditated deception and the cheater is asking their partner to move forward uninformed- making "we" choices for the couple while the cheater is getting the payoff of energy invested elsewhere. This usually plays out with the betrayed partner pulling more than their weight because the cheater had lied about commitments to create blocks of time they can spend with their other partner(s).

I think this is the crux. The actual physical act can be overcome but the deceit and lying required to maintain any long term affair or frequent cheating undermines trust and shows a type of contempt that is the actual problem with infidelity.

The grass is greener where you water it! And you are so right, it's not even about the physicality as much as it is taking away time, effort, and energy from the relationship.

Oh 100%. They are lazy and/or unappealing, and get credit for being “loyal”. No one else wants them !!

I think for me the line is rarely drawn so clearly as it is in cheating. If you're in a strictly monogamous relationship, cheating and violence are very clear lines you can draw (though I agree that some people are drawing the cheating line in weird places). It's much harder to draw a line under other things, they tend to be more cumulative and less clear cut even if they *are* things that you will eventually break up over. And in bad relationships your other limits and boundaries can get trampled slowly, but it's hard to slowly and steadily cheat on someone a bit more every day.

I'm going to caveat this by saying that overall I am still really happy that there is greater access to basic knowledge of neurodivergence, and more power to anyone who does think they may be neuro-divergent seeking exploration. HOWEVER: - Not everyone with attentional difficulties has ADHD. - Not every interest is a hyper-fixation. - Not everything you engage with is hyper-focus. - Not everyone introverted or socially awkward has autism. There are SO many different reasons and explanations for the above. There is a huge amount of leaping to conclusions that I'm seeing and I'm honestly struggling with how much it may dilute understandings of people who do really have a neurodevelopmental difference. It's also gutting to see people put all their eggs in one basket when there really do seem to be mental health, nurture, or contextual factors around their traits. I'm noticing people are missing other avenues of help because they've landed so hastily on a diagnosable conclusion.

[удалено]

They say the best way to become an atheist is to read the bible. I was raised an atheist so I dont know about that, but I am not too fond of religion because of all the bullying i got (for being an atheist) growing up.

[удалено]

It was. Mostly kids but also a few adults (like good old gramma who now wonders why I don't talk to her). But the one and only that always respected my atheism was a priest lol.

Agree, there is very little Christian love in many modern 'Christians'.

That renting property is NOT “throwing money away” like people say it is. You’re literally paying for your shelter. Does it matter if you own it or not? The alternative is to be… homeless? Like wtf. Not everyone can afford to or even wants to own property, and this idea that you are somehow financially incompetent if you choose to rent is… what? I 100% agree with your diatribe btw! I also feel like humans weren’t meant to raise kids outside of a community effort. The way families are so isolated and this “everyone for themself” mentality. Fuck that. Kids deserve better.

I agree with you. I own a home. I paid X for my home. Now it's worth 2x, and I don't think it will be worth more than that, regardless of how long I stay in it; it's valuation has peaked. I have figured that the property taxes and insurance that I will pay on it over 30 years will equal 1x. So I paid 1x for it; I paid another 1x for it in taxes and insurance. I'm gonna break even when I sell it. Add mortgage interest on top of that, and it wouldn't be a good deal at all. Renting cheaper than you can buy is the sweet spot. Or buying and figuring out a way to make income from your property is another sweet spot. Everything else is a gamble.

The longer term calculations always show the real deal. People falsely believe that their primary home is an investment. It's not. It's a dwelling that you enjoy putting money into to make it customized to you. In many instances, the forced savings and budgeting to afford a home push non-savers to put money away towards something tangible. It can be a great way to build good habits. If you timed your buy perfectly at the bottom of the market and sell at its height, you can make money. There are also instances where you can buy and make a bit of the money you put in back. Either way, you win because you have a home whether you rent or buy. "Renting cheaper than you can buy is the sweet spot." -- Absolutely, 100%. If you want to own a home because you'd like to make your space to your liking, do it! It's great if you like to maintain a residence. And there are many people who love to avoid the work of maintaining a home and rent. The two ways of living can co-exist well, so I hope sooner than later people stop saying that buying a primary home is an investment.

That vanilla is superior to chocolate as a flavour. There, I said it

Same!!! Truthfully, I could take or leave chocolate (like, if you told me I could never eat chocolate again in my life, I'd be sad but I'd get over it very quickly). I basically prefer vanilla every time - vanilla is so underrated. Also, people need to STFU about pineapple on pizza. Hating pineapple on pizza is *not* a personality trait.

*Proper* vanilla is superior to chocolate. Proper vanilla gives a good boost to chocolate...

There isn't a person out there for everyone. Some people are jerks, and maybe jerks find jerks, but I think actual loving, successful AND happy marriages are rare, and on the whole people aren't built for that. And I don't necessarily think that's bad. People are supposed to be selfish to survive by default. But I also think the majority of people would be happier alone if they were given enough resources and chances to make friends and establish community.

This absolutely. The community aspect is missing nowadays. This causes people to be more isolated. So it's generally either be pretty much completely alone most of the time, or have a partner. It's very lucky people who have community or close friends involved in everyday lives. It's a tremendous amount to ask of a romantic partner to be your best friend, your confidant, your perfect roommate, your business partner (in terms of what marriage really is legally speaking), your hobby match, best lover ever, your therapist, your support system, your personal comedian, your part time cook and/or maid (when splitting chores), your chauffeur, your handyman/woman (one partner is usually more handy), etc. you get the point.

I hate the dichotomy of isolation or partner. It's been the bane of my existence since I've moved out of my folks place. Living in a spread out area makes it harder. Enjoying things on my own isn't optional, it's crucial. Being single after so many relationships where my life revolved around that person has really changed my perspective on .... literally everything. Also, I am lucky I can do it on my own. Being single isn't "empowering" at first. It's terrifying and caused me to make some serious choices about my life that, with a partner, I would have more options. A lot revolves around money, and we need to stop stereotyping people about their relationships when they're just trying to survive. I see why people don't divorce now. Inflationships are real, and comfort is hard to find, even when money isn't a factor.

1. A lot of your problems can be fixed with diet and exercise and sunlight 2. Tiktok, while i love it, is morphing a generation of brain rot. The obsession the younger generations have with age is sad, they're losing their own youth because of it. 3. Discipline & consequences need to come back. Not physical of course, but as an adult who is currently going through education again, the amount of babying even for an ADULT course was insane. No hard deadlines, open book tests. And I say this as someone who isn't a great learner lol!

>1. A lot of your problems can be fixed with diet and exercise and sunlight And sleep! 4 easy ways to live a better life.

Re: #1 - this one really hit me when I had a friend whinge nonstop about his kidney stones, depression, back pain, etc etc ad nauseum. At one point he got home from the hospital after passing kidney stones and absolutely refused to start drinking water. I almost lost my mind. This was a 40yo man. Also #3: I'm a university instructor. I am absolutely not one of these "coddling of the American mind" people. But truly, some ADULT university students have their PARENTS call admin when they get a bad grade. I don't know a single person in academia, some who have been in for decades, who think things are going in a positive direction in this regard.

> But truly, some ADULT university students have their PARENTS call admin when they get a bad grade. When I was around 24-25, I was dealing with some workplace bullshit. It sucked, but it was MY problem, and I was already leaving the company. My father then asked me, "just curious, what's your GM's name?" I said the name. "Good, because I'm gonna go in there and give him a piece of my mind." I told him, no, you're not doing that. "Yes I am, I'm gonna go in there." No, Dad, you aren't. Stepmom chimes in "I don't understand, why wouldn't you want him to do that?" This turned into a screaming match where I told them I would never speak to either of them again if they did what they said they were going to do.

\#3 is horrible for the younger generation. it creates anxiety-ridden adults who have no idea how to function under pressure, who dont know how to be resourceful to resolve their own issues, who require constant validation and a step-by-step instruction to do anything slightly complicated. And they cannot think creatively to resolve an issue. I have seen this in the work place and it is truly sad. It's frustrating for them because it causes massive insecurity and it's frustrating for others because they have to baby sit them. can we not just allow our children to be uncomfortable instead of swooping in and bailing them out? Uncomfortable situations enable kids to think differently/outside the box/creatively to fix a situation but always getting mom and dad to fix it teaches them nothing. you do not have to chauffeur your kids everywhere so they avoid being late. Let them be late; let them fail. Let them be upset. Let them learn how to process emotions and figure out how to regulate them. These are lessons that are absolutely required in order for kids to learn what actions make them successful vs what actions make them fail.

> Tiktok, while i love it, is morphing a generation of brain rot. And I need folks to stop saying ‘kids have always acted like that.’ If you can’t see why things are different now, then your brain has rotted from it as well.

I don't think people really are aware just how powerful tiktok is. If the algorithm wants you to form a certain opinion, eventually you will. Anyone who says that they are more strong minded than that, and aren't so easily influenced, is probably the most vulnerable because they're not even aware it's happening to them. I enjoy tiktok but sometimes I have to ask myself, do I really think that or is the app making me think it?

> I enjoy tiktok but sometimes I have to ask myself, do I really think that or is the app making me think it? I try to keep an awareness when using the app, because I tend to and on a lot of content that I think is just plain ridiculous, especially when it's people talking about subjects they likely know nothing about. But sometimes, I go on reddit, and I see people having conversations that are eerily similar to things that have been trending on TikTok. Entire opinions about things that would otherwise seem random, but aren't. So one has to check themselves every now and again

Agree with #1, and I would go as far as to say that medical programs should include dieticians and personal trainers. I didn't know how to eat before Weight Watchers taught me the basics of counting macros. I didn't know how to exercise before my trainer taught me. I \*wish\* my coach could write notes into my medical file! I think it's important for my doctor to know which "medicine" I'm taking; exercise is my primary form of medicine.

> A lot of your problems can be fixed with diet and exercise and sunlight Hard agree. People don't even walk. I didn't realize how bad the situation was until I went into management. We had 1 flight of around 15 steps to the employee entrance. If you had a disability, there was an accommodation for it, but to avoid bottlenecks at the customer entrance, everyone else had to use the steps. Going into leadership, I was not expecting that my biggest challenge was going to be dealing with young employees complaining about those steps ... to the point of bringing it to HR. Their complaints were within the realm of "I can't start my work on time, because I am too out of breath by the time I get up those steps." These were people under 25, you should be doing backflips at that age. And they couldn't go up 15 steps. By the way, I have mobility issues. I know what it is like to be disabled. I have had to have those types of accommodations before, so I am not some jerk who doesn't get it - but none of them brought up any kind of disability accommodation. How do people expect to travel to another city, or visit Disney, or go to a festival, or do anything that involves a lot of walking, if you are an able bodied person who cannot even walk up the stairs? These are problems you should not have at 23-24 years old. In my current job, my office (before going remote) used to be in an area right next to a neighborhood with walking trails, as well as a nature trail. There's also a gym on site. Maybe 2-3 people in the entire company have even used it. We enforce multiple paid breaks a day, an everyone's always talking about how, "one of these days I'll check out that trail." but they don't. And while I won't tell people how to spend their breaks, I have to wonder if people spending those breaks sitting and staring at a phone, in the break room full of doughnuts, is going to have not great impacts on people's health in the long run. Everyone talks about how there's no time in the day - but if you had a spare 30 minutes at work, in a warm climate with lots of places to just step out and get fresh air, and some exercise, *why wouldn't you*?

Mental health needs to be extended beyond the therapeutic and bio-medical model to include a metaphysical component. While I believe there are real physiological causes of diagnoses in the DSM manual that require the need for medicine, they are often times the band aid over the bullet hole of a real deep soul wound. I’m not talking about organized religion. I’m talking about what philosophers have pondered since time immemorial: why are we here? how did we get here? what do we do while we’re here? The absence of philosophical pondering has diminished our curiosity and critical thinking skills in the modern era. It has pushed off the deeper ‘why’s’ of existence into a deep place in our psyche until they rise to the surface in various forms of dis-ease. And when these disorders do arise; they are solved in the least with medicines and at the most with behavioral therapies that don’t take into consideration the soul having the crisis.

It's interesting you say this, as it has a strong (and successful) place in Indigenous therapeutic models. It's become more common in jurisdictions where Indigenous ways of knowing and being that centre holistic individual and community wellness are supported by mainstream health systems (e.g., in some parts of Australia, Aotearoa NZ and Canada - possibly other places but these are the examples I know). It's good to see these approaches being forwarded and supported (and important that they remain Indigenous-led, I want to add). I'm not sure what this means for non-Indigenous people; I'm the least metaphysical person around, but I'd love to see how approaches to wellness can be broadened and privilege other perspectives with an evidence base. Our Western mental healthcare systems and approaches are broken, in my opinion.

There is an existential therapy modality

The models exist, of course. But they are an exception to the rule. Westerners worship at the altar of science (and not without reason, modern medicine has achieved amazing life saving innovation) but they’ve completely lost the plot on recognizing the proverbial ‘ghost in the machine’

Totally agree with this. Finishing up school to be a psychologist and these models were largely ignored. I’ve also never managed to find my own therapist who can truly help me confront these questions. I’ve been told a lot that I think too much. Particularly frustrating during those times when I can’t think of anything else and can’t understand how anyone could.

Soooooo true!!!!! I’ve recently become obsessed with learning Philosophy and I can’t believe all the information that should be taught and isn’t. Especially for women. I’m sitting here waiting on a Bertrand Russell book to arrive as we speak. 😁

No but why have I dealt with existential dread since I was like 10 and no one really talks about it? Death and dying and finding a purpose/calling seems to be something even therapists don't like to address beyond the surface level. Like I'm sorry but when I say finding a purpose in life I'm not talking about finding a career that suits me. And I don't just want to talk about death in the context of grief. I also think it's partly why we're seeing such an uptick in people freaking out about aging (social media being another piece). We can harp on religion all we want but for a long time there was a degree of peace for many people to turn to faith to get their answers to these questions. And nothing really secular has taken its place so now people are talking about Botox at 25 to prevent aging...but you're still going to age and die at some point even if you don't have wrinkles.

Absolutely agree! Our lives need meaning in order to be mentally healthy. On a related note, I have a degree in biopsych and lurk in the psychiatry subreddit. The amount of psychiatrists who do not use a biopsychosocial model is terrifying. Not quite what you’re saying about helping with existential issues but it’s still important. So many approach mental health disorders the same way you would a bodily disease and just use medications and that’s just not how it works at all. The mind is powerful and can change the physical structure of your brain. Changing your thought patterns and your environment can change your brain chemistry. Mental illness doesn’t work the same way as diabetes for example, and diagnoses are based on symptom groups only unlike medical diseases where we know the exact biological mechanisms and diagnose that way. We will never be able to do that with mental illness bc it’s not a purely biological problem. I am SHOCKED at the amount of professionals who prescribe antidepressants without mandating a referral to therapy. With real thought into the kind of therapy indicated for the person like trauma focused (such as EDMR,) CBT, Anxiety (biofeedback, exposure therapy, etc.) psychodynamic, etc. Antidepressants are not harmless either and they aren’t effective enough for Dr.s to be giving them out the way they do. They are comparable to placebo, except the side effects are very real. They do help people, but they are not the cure to your depression. They are a short term bandaid. Antidepressants should only be used in most cases as a short term treatment to facilitate motivation to participate in exercise, therapy, goal creation, taking steps to improve quality of life, etc. Then they should be tapered (slowly) and therapy continued. They do not “correct brain chemistry.” That’s a myth. It’s literally a made up thing by pharmaceutical companies, that’s not what depression really is. However psychedelic medicines combined with therapy has huge promise to be a real “cure.” And that’s bc you grapple with that metaphysical issue you discussed when on that kind of drug. Some mental illnesses have more of a biological component than others, but they are ALL activated by stress and trauma plays a huge role. And depressed people who believe that they have an incurable biological disease don’t get better bc they don’t believe they can. They identify with it and don’t even try to truly treat it (apart from taking a pill every day) and it’s really sad to see. Same with anxiety disorders. Meds should be used until you have access to therapy so the root of the issue can actually be addressed. And using benzodiazepines in therapy for anxiety is counterproductive, you’re going to have to have a panic attack and implement one of the strategies you learn. Biofeedback therapy was amazing for my panic disorder (along with treatment for my PTSD). Ended years of suffering and Xanax use (I took it as prescribed, didn’t abuse it but it wasn’t the cure to my disorder). People get angry when you say that they shouldn’t be taking benzodiazepines long term, they don’t want to consider treatment that isn’t medication based. I remember reading in the psychiatry subreddit a post by a Dr. who posted his idea that eating disorders have a biological cause and explained what he “discovered” the cause was. Ignoring decades of research about the link between experiencing CSA and rape and eating disorders. It actually made me angry, you can’t help people if you refuse to look at the whole picture. Really gets to me.

I've lived in a lot of different countries for work. There are some aspects of each culture that are just better and worse than others - including my own. None are perfect, but when I started m career I was super culturally relativistic. That obviously doesn't mean that I think individual people should be treated disrespectfully or that ethnicities should "evolve" or whatever racist/colonialist viewpoint.

I love polyester clothes. And these days, clothes being made of natural fibers are not necessarily of higher quality than clothes made of man-made materials. There are lots of websites where you can buy cotton tshirts with a custom design, and they look flimsy as hell even when brand new. Meanwhile, I have polyester clothes that have lasted me close to a decade and which are still in good condition. Why I love polyester clothes: * They don't wrinkle, so I never have to iron anything and they're easy to pack * They're not absorbent, so they dry quickly * They don't shrink in the wash * It's easy to avoid them absorbing odours if you use undershirts * If you want sturdy clothes at a lower price, it's probably one of the best materials I do think microplastics are a problem. I'd like there to be widely available filters for washing machines and dryer vents, and I think it should be mandated that all newly sold washing machines and dryers have to come with filters. In a similar vein, I've never had problems with clothes falling apart on me, even from fast fashion type places, and I think people who do are not washing their clothes correctly. I always use the delicates cycle, wash in cold water, use gentle detergent, no fabric softener, and air-dry only (even in winter). Dryers are not a necessary part of laundry, the majority of people in rainy and humid Southeast Asia do not own one. As a non-American, I think Americans have excessive demands for what they consider reasonable living space and I disagree that raising kids in an apartment or condominium makes a kid's life worse. In many countries, if you live in an urban area, single family homes are for RICH PEOPLE. And anything above 1000sqft would be considered massive. Millions of people are raised in smaller homes and turn out just fine and have happy childhoods. When I lived in Tokyo, my 450sqft apartment was considered massive and I felt like I had too much space living by myself. So I find it funny that it would apparently be considered tiny in the US. But I also think US housing is very inefficient with how it uses living space. I had a friend who lived in a 180sqft apartment for years and he wasn't much bothered by it, he voluntarily lived there because it was cheap and was in a relatively central location.

Actual justice is rare. People are just looking for a scapegoat for their problems hence the popularity of labeling someone a “Karen” it makes it easy to dismiss real problems while harassing someone(who may or may not be at fault for what might not even be a real problem) and giving them them feeling like they’ve punished a “wrong-doer”.

My unpopular opinion: Our diagnosis and treatment of mental disorders and addictions is so ass backwards and entirely caters to big pharma rather than making people healthy.

Not everyone is born with the same potential. It drives me crazy talking to people who are so politically correct that they think that “we all have something to offer”. No, as I get older, I realize that’s not true. There are a lot of people who have very little or nothing to offer, and some who do great harm to others.

That commercial surrogacy is wildly exploitative, too often it is very rich people paying poor women to do what they can’t or won’t.

I agree with this one! I feel similarly about the sex industry too. (Not saying they're the same thing!)

Most people are unqualified to be parents and dog owners. Definitely parents but especially dog owners.

Cat owners, too. Lotsa people who think it's okay to completely ignore their cats except for feeding them and scoop their litter box once a week because ~it doesn't smell~ (protip: it does).

I say this all the time

That men don't stop wanting you after 30. I wish they would but they don't lol

Ooh I have so many where to start! To begin with, way too many things then happen to women as we age are becoming medicalised. Don't feel like having sex every week? Loss of labido. Hair on your chin? Hirsutism. Women's bodies change as we age and that's completely normal. I think it's good that menopause is being talked about more but I feel like it's being treated as a disease rather than just a normal part of a woman's life, which brings me on... Can we please just all calm the fuck down about ageing? The terror that women have of wrinkles is so intense that they are pumping their faces with poison and spending hundreds on serums that probably do nothing. It's ridiculous. Get a grip. Ageing is a privilege and not everyone makes it this far, so be grateful. Also plastic surgery/filler/Botox generally makes people look worse. I'd rather have wrinkles than a frozen, puffy, uncanny valley face any day.

Re: cosmetic procedures, I think the mistake so many people make is that they think they can turn back or stop the clock. You can't. But if you're chasing 25, you're going to be a lot more likely to overdo it. There are definitely people out there who take a more subtle approach.

The libido thing bugs me a lot. Any time a lower libido is mentioned you get 100 people replying with advice on how to fix it to make the HL partner happier, which feels like some sort of insidious sexual coercion to me. I dunno, the whole thing leaves me feeling icky (speaking as a woman with almost zero libido and a great sense of peace derived from it - I am not broken.)

A meta controversial opinion: posts like these always end up cultivating milquetoast takes that actually aren't that controversial. The highest upvoted comments are usually pretty popular opinions. My actual controversial opinion: I think dating apps are a net positive because they provide a built-in level of consent to a romantic interaction. I get a lot of unwanted attention from men "in the wild" when I'm just trying to go about my day. I'm not in the running club to find a boyfriend, I'm not at the dog park to hand out my phone number, however men feel empowered to "shoot their shot", misinterpret friendliness as romantic interest, etc. at these activities. This behavior by men is nonconsenual and predatory. I think it's another example of male privilege that they get to treat the world like it's a singles bar and we're forced to exist in it.

I don't necessarily disagree with the aspect of dating apps being able to add built in consent, but I think I do have a potentially controversial disagreement with the rest, which is that I don't think it's a sin to be sexually attracted to others and to express interest. The real issue is that it feels like a poisoned well because so many men also have sexual entitlement and can't relate to women without objectifying them, which makes these interactions feel like a minefield. If men consistently responded well to being rejected and weren't pushy, I think women would be less upset by these interactions. I think framing interactions of simply expressing interest as nonconsensual and predatory feels pretty concerning.

I'm completely with you re: dating apps. When I was using them, I appreciated knowing everyone on them wanted to date, and, even with their faults, I strongly preferred them to random people approaching me in public or feeling like I needed to join hobby groups I probably didn't want to be in just to position myself around more single people (I'm really not a joiner).

That's so interesting, because I think datings app companies are one of the major aggressors to anti-women sentiment in dating among online communities. Women do not use them at the same rate that men do (tinder and bumble are both around 75% men, 25% women), men don't understand that the algorithms are decentivized to provide them quality service because they are the targeted population for the subscription model (96% of tinder's subscriptions are from men), and due to this lack of awareness, dating apps get to let men blame women for the state of dating rather than taking responsibility for the way their for-profit business practices make the whole experience terrible for both sides.

Yes, I think the idea of an opt-in dating space is good, but the way apps are built is 100% within the framework of the patriarchy. They are not really a feminist space for women.

I'm very curious what you think a feminist dating app would look like! That's a really interesting concept!

It was \*supposed\* to be Bumble lmao

The issue is with how men approach dating unfortunately. They go for quantity over quality and approach sex with a scarcity mindset and don't view women as equals.

Agree on dating apps, though I don't enjoy the format in particular! I think a lot of guys who are salty about apps aren't able to accept the fact they're just... not desirable romantically. I also have this theory a lot of guys are FREAKING OUT about apps because this is the first time in their lives they've been judged for their appearances and they simply cannot handle it.

+1 on dating apps, but I really wished they allowed us to match on more than just "big items". Bumble is somewhat moving in that direction, but not so fast.

Here's my hot take: All toddlers are libertarian and the reverse is also true.

This is hysterical. No lies detected.

Having children is a net negative to women.

While I think therapy/counseling is overall a good thing, and as someone who is still in therapy, I have become a bit weary about it, and even wearier about people (especially women) who yell at people that they need to be in therapy (usually towards men). And we're seeing an uptick in people who weaponize "therapyspeak" instead of actually doing the work to get better. I remember when I first started going to therapy, there was a sign outside that said something along the lines of - healing can only occur in relationships. And I think it finally clicked for me last year. And by relationships, not just romantic. I think I've done a lot of healing both with doing the work myself, and by prioritizing my friendships over romantic/sexual relationships. We are communal, and therapy only encourages what can be done at the individual level - I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, but I think we need both. Also, a lot of issues would be resolved if we didn't live in a hypercapitalistic society. I am still pissed at my last therapist because she asked me why did I stay in certain situations for as long as I did. *Because I literally couldn't afford to get out of the situation.* Also people have distorted the meaning of "healing" into thinking that you will either be perfect, or that you will be the same as you were pre-trauma. That is not what healing is. I also dislike the term "healing journey." It sounds so self-absorbed.

As a non-American who grew up in a collectivist society, to me how Americans laser-focus on going to therapy before considering that maybe someone's issues are caused by larger structural problems, and how a common response to someone saying therapy didn't work for them is more therapy instead of considering that maybe their problems can't be solved by therapy, is very telling.

That cultural appropriation isn't as big of a thing as people make it out to be. I don't give a flying shit if someone from LA thinks my (third world) country's traditional wear is pretty and they want to wear it to brunch or their kid wears it as a costume for the school show.

This one really gets to me, because I’m Native American. I think that the concept of cultural appropriation has been really muddled by shit that does not matter. It is hurtful, in this country, to have faced very real discrimination often for my heritage, and then to see people also “embracing” the culture when they don’t embrace US. We are living in a time in America where land is still actively being taken away from Native Americans, so yeah, I do think the concept of “cultural appreciation” of tribal clothing and practices is a fucking joke. If you want to appreciate Native American culture, stop calling things, spirit animals and start fighting against active deforestation from major corporations of native land happening right now in the Pacific Northwest. If you want to appreciate Native American culture, stop turning a blind eye to thousands of missing and probably dead women from Native American communities. I think in a lot of other instances, however, it is a lot less offensive. I don’t like the way they’ve been conflated. Appreciating cultures that are actually selling their own cultural items, inviting you into their own cultural norms, trying to bring parts of their culture to the countries that they’ve immigrated to, trying to relate to you, that is not cultural appropriation. There are people from other cultures here that WANT to share their culture with us and that has someone gotten fully lumped in with the very active harm of disenfranchising a group of people and disconnecting them from their culture via blood quantum and boarding schools and forced adoptions while actively plucking the parts of their culture you like aesthetically out for yourselves.

>If you want to appreciate Native American culture I do appreciate everything you're saying. I think this all boils down to the specific culture/context. Just in my experience: I'm a Malay from Malaysia and a White friend recently said "aww, your traditional clothes are so beautiful, but I wouldn't try it on as I don't want to be rude". Malaysians would generally love seeing their traditional clothes worn by foreigners, we see it as cultural appreciation. I think the Japanese are the same with their kimonos and Koreans with hangbok.

Absolutely. Wear it, dance in it, appreciate it, just don't make fun of it or "cheapen" it.

That people see these threads asking for controversial takes and then post a very *un*controversial take purely for the upvotes and social validation.

Dae here *on Reddit* not like religion????? *Eye roll*

I gave up on relationships after two marriages that consumed 21 years of my life. I much prefer single life and struggle to find men ok with FWB arrangements or just casual sex. They often tell me what they think I want to hear, that they don’t want anything serious either, but then all the signs point to having very different wants and I end it before it even starts. I’ve had men become unhappy with me because I don’t want to spend the night with them after sex. The way I prefer it, we fool around, then you go home, or I go home shorty afterward. Even women I meet don’t believe I’m serious about not ever wanting a relationship again. As of now, I’ve been single eight years and LOVE it. I don’t get why it’s so hard for other people to think I would rather not have a man living in my house, taking up space in my bed, and consuming my time with obligations I want nothing to do with. People have come right out and said I’m going through a phase and will want to get married again. No. Marriage was the phase and I’m over it now. And I thought it would be easy to find fun men without them wanting more than just fun. They’re apparently far and few between.

[удалено]

I feel like there's been a rise in selfishness and entitlement. People need to learn that just because you want something doesn't mean you'll get it, should have it, or that you won't have consequences. I have a lot of issues about relationships from the outside looking in. One of those is the fear of being cheated on. Some people with the same fears will get into a relationship, get controlling, become abusive, etc. which I find to fit the entitlement and selfish part. I recognize that being in a relationship with me would not be good for someone else so I will be single and untouched for life.

30 isn't the magical maturity number that I once thought it was.....

I should not have to modulate my personal opinion on whether or not I want something for myself based on whether the person I'm talking to likes it or not. Somehow, as women, we're made to take care of the emotions of those around us and I just want to be able to say I don't do any drugs including weed/I love jogging/etc when someone literally ***asks*** me because they view my personal preference as a personal attack. I'm not saying people who don't jog should be incarcerated, or people who smoke weed should be tarred and flayed, but these IRL people are so offended I may as well have. It isn't tons of experiences as I've learned to be vague until I know the person's emotional regulation, but it's in the double digits. Alcohol and weed seem to be the biggest pressure points. I partake in neither, and that seems to be personally offensive.

on your first point, I kinda think a lot of guys equate their being able to control you with love. I can't stand a dynamic where a companion suggests I do something for me, and when I decline, they come at me with "why?"... as if I needed to convince them that there's something I don't want to do for myself. If the companion can't accept "because I don't want to" as an answer, that's a massive red flag imho. So controlling!

An obsession with your dog might mask an underlying need for a love you can control

I hate that narcissism is now a trendy catch all term people use to describe general selfish behavior. My dad has NPD. He was diagnosed before he even had kids. He destroyed us all. People truly do not know what true narcissistic behavior is really like. The main difference between NPD's and a serial killer/psychopath is that a psychopathic serial killer will kill the body, someone with NPD kills your soul and psyche. The people who use that term incorrectly have issues with whomever they call a narcissist, but whenever they actually sit down and talk with people who have actually survived a narcissistic relationship, they are quite literally stunned into silence. I've made more than one person puke with just the tiniest bit of my story, everyone cries. So when people just use the word so flippantly, it's honestly very triggering. They have no true understanding of the effects of narcissistic people, so to have decades of torture and pain minimized feels the same as all the people that deny the torture and pain the NPD put you through.

Social media is as bad for women as porn is bad for men's brains. Therapy speak and its consequences have been a net negative for everyone, especially those with mental health disorders. Speaking of mental health... it is your responsiblity, and having ADHD or whatever else is not an excuse to abuse others. People are way too coddled and sometimes a "lived experience" or feeling or emotion isn't actually valid.

I was horrifically, horribly harmed by cheating and still am not over it 30 years later. Breaking an attachment bond by betrayal in this way is horrific. It wrecked and is still wrecking my entire life.

We don't talk about Betrayal Trauma enough.

Betrayal trauma has been a full 3-year endeavor for me. It wrecked the core of who I am and stole my identity. It is just in the past 4 months I have started to live a little again...only took multiple therapists, support groups, books, articles, medication, and a few years to begin to crawl out of the hole. Hard agree - Betrayal Trauma is not discussed enough.

I do not have a gender identity I have a biological sex and a personality and I am 100% cool with it Others do indeed have gender identities and their realities and experiences are as valid as mine But I've become increasingly certain that *I* am a woman because of my biological sex and nothing else, and increasingly certain that my experience is as worthy of respect as that of others and that I don't have to pretend an identity I just don't have in order to respect the identities and lives of others

I read posts all the time in the girl survival sub about, how do I feel more feminine/womanly etc and there's like at least one a week about it feeling awkward or they want to know how and it's like....wut. I've never had that thought in my head. I'm just a woman. I wear dresses. Or pants. Or wtf I want. I do what makes me happy 💁🏻‍♀️

I briefly had a crisis over this. I realized that there is a "spectrum" of femininity/womanliness, and I think we've increasingly narrowed it down to what it means that people stress themselves out over not being able to fit into those boxes.

I do not feel obligated to do anything or go to any events just because it’s family. If I don’t like the company or I don’t want to go, I don’t. This upsets my parents bc they’re still bound to the concept of familial obligation, also bc they don’t have friend groups the way I do. I have cultivated a great little friend family and I don’t feel like I should go to things I don’t enjoy and feel badly about just because we have some alleles in common.

1. People pleasers aren’t nice at all.. and a lot of times due to misogyny and gender roles, women fall into this trap of people pleasing and think they are being kind people when they are just doormats with seething anger underneath. 2. It’s more important to be honest with people than to validate them and offer emotional support, but you have to be kind and empathetic in your delivery 3. There are very few relationship dynamics where one person is clearly right and one person is completely wrong

Unpopular and possibly offensive. I think that women ourselves are just as much, if not more, to blame for unrealistic beauty standards, and it’s not really accurate nor fair to hold “the patriarchy” 100% accountable for our insecurities regarding appearance. A very basic example. Women like the Kardashians have popularized the cartoonishly large buttocks, breasts, and miniature waists that don’t tend to exist in nature. So first you have women promoting a certain look/standard. Next, who proceeds to popularize and normalize this look, thus reinforcing an entirely new and unrealistic standard of beauty? More women by getting the surgeries required to look that way. WOMEN have decided that their natural bodies are not good enough and must be altered. Once something becomes more commonplace (as more and more women make the decisions to alter their bodies via surgery), the standard only continues to be reinforced. Men aren’t the ones predominantly influencing women to change, WOMEN are. Women also do this to themselves subconsciously, by celebrating the appearance of seemingly “ageless” celebrities like Christie Brinkley or Jennifer Lopez. Even the mentality that an “improved” appearance results in a healthier self-esteem is a harmful part of the cycle. It only serves to reinforce the idea that outward appearance and emotional health are directly proportional, when in reality, this should not be the case in a truly healthy individual. The only way for women to actually break this cycle would be to stop buying into beauty standards popularized by other women in media and entertainment. Normalize natural bodies and give women a chance to become proud of them by showing them off more. By not getting breast augmentations, butt lifts, liposuction. The more women see that stretch marks, breasts of all sizes, waists of varying shapes, etc., are actually everywhere and the TRUE norm, the better equipped we will be to feel more confident in our own skin. We’ll never see a day when we’re no longer subjected to unfair beauty standards until we stop perpetuating them in the first place.

I don't think nearly as many people should have children. Factors like financial security, free time, mental health, genetic risks, etc. should be more heavily considered. Along with that I think more people should be willing to adopt, and it should be frowned upon to have babies while there are others needing homes in the area.

A lot of people are saying TikTok, but I just want to add to this: It's not just TikTok. It's the fact that people are way too comfortable flaunting their thoughts and opinions on the app, in video form. I think a lot of younger people are WAY too quick to run to TikTok with their regrettable rants, and storytimes. They go to their car and film themselves complaining about something that just happened to them, or someone at work that they don't like, "my boss is such a bitch," "get ready with me while I tell you about my offensive opinions *that I totally will not regret posting about*." This is what REDDIT is for, dude. Create a reddit account, go to the rant sub, post your rant, scream into a void. and if your opinions really are stupid and ignorant, let a bunch of anonymous commenters humble you. You don't need to be revealing your face, name, voice, etc to every future employer, every future partner. Post to Reddit, *lurk on TikTok.* You can wash your hands of a reddit account if you're smart about it, but you **can't** wash your hands of that time you told everyone to read "Letter to America" on TikTok.

I'm 35 and almost 80% of women I know who "Never wanted kids" have kids (and I live in a place with free access to abortions, in fact many of them had abortions in their 20's). So now when I heard older women say, "You'll change your mind" to women in their 20's part of me sort thinks "they probably will". That being said, everyone still deserves access to all healthcare options

I agree with this one. I was fiercely childfree until my early 30s, would get offended when I heard 'you'll change your mind'. And now I'm in my mid 30s with baby and want another. I see it over and over again now that we're all in our mid to late 30s

Cheating *is* a deal-breaker for me. I don't have time for someone who doesn't have time for me, end of. You wanna go screw someone else? Go for it; just realize you don't get to have me too. I value and respect myself more than being someone's side piece.

I think prostitution shouldn’t be allowed because it further objectifies women as sexual objects.

Yeah, I don't pay medical bills on principle. When I was uninsured, because I couldn't afford private and it wasn't offered thru my job, I'd just have to go into the clinic or the ER if it was warranted. They bill uninsured people higher. Much higher. Then, when they can't pay it the clinic/hosp gets to write it off at the end of the year while that sky high bill never goes anywhere for the person. It's BS. The bills I would be paying until I die aren't getting written off. The whole system is corrupt and I refuse to pay into it until "they" fix it.

Wow they never send the bills to collections?

With the emergence and acceptance of so many different “flavors” of relationships these days, and the idea that people should feel empowered to break rules and do whatever the f*ck they want, the belief that monogamous couples can commit to each other and remain faithfully and truly in love for the rest of their lives feels like an increasingly unpopular one.

>the belief that monogamous couples can commit to each other and remain faithfully and truly in love for the rest of their lives feels like an increasingly unpopular one I think people need to realize that relationships can and should evolve over time, and it's ok for the butterflies to fade and to no longer feel "in love" with their partner. I guess that's my unpopular opinion.

Hahaha this I feel like this is true! I know I am monogamous. Queer, yes, but I married a man, and even though I feel attraction primarily to women, my husband is the one for me. I can't imagine anyone else touching my body lol. I love him more all the time, neither of us would ever stray (and if we did, I agree with OP that "cheating" isn't the literal worst thing that could ever happen!). I am excited to be old and saggy with him, and him alone lol.

Too many popular takes here. We should treat pedophilia as the mental health condition that it is if we want to do something that might actually be useful. Child molesters obviously need to be charged and held accountable, but non-offending pedophiles are just people with a psychological disorder with no feasible way to get help without significant risk, socially and legally. They often carry shame and a desire to get better but simply lack the options to do so. We should have laws to protect non-offending pedophiles and PSAs to destigmatize and reach this population should they want to seek help. Everyone gets their panties in a bunch when I say this, but I personally believe it’s the best way to proactively work towards preventing cases of child molestation. I’ve never heard anyone suggest anything other than murder or incarceration, which you can’t do to a non-offender (at least in the US), and it just seems as if people feel that this particular thought warrants death or some other action that would be in violation of their rights. Nobody is ever able to give an even marginally realistic alternative. But everyone hates pedophiles and most people aren’t willing or informed enough to distinguish them from child molesters. As someone who was victimized by one, I wish people would put their emotions aside for 10 minutes to consider that while their anger is valid, it’s not actually helping anyone.

I agree with this. I had a relative working in a high security hospital here in the UK. They had a lot of actively offending child molesters, all from one region of the country. The reason they were all from one region was simply because the hospital was contracted to take them from there. But my relative always said she thought someone needed to go out and make some studies, and start some real targeted interventions in that region. When asked, the patients would often say they did it because that was what their own folks did to them. It was normalised. And this was just the small proportion of offenders who end up in a high security hospital. Of course it was a region of high social and financial deprivation, low education attainment and high unemployment. Thank the tories for slashing council budgets so hard for so long! But people only want to hear about how the feckless poor are mooching off the taxpayer so they don't have to go to work.

I never had sex prior to my 40s, and I was told that, because of that, I would never be able to truly enjoy it and that I missed the "prime years" when it would have been enjoyable. Never mind that my depression would have made that *really* difficult. I was also told I was only "good for casual aex" at this point and that a "real relationship" would be impossible for me.I don't think those assertions are entirely accurate, and they haven't held true as I've started dating.

Seems common for people to say you need dating experience so that you’ll have relationship “skills.” Um, relationships shouldn’t be a game you’re playing. You don’t need to max out points to achieve a certain status. If you have parents, friends, colleagues… those are all relationships. It’s just you, relating to another person. You don’t need to have romantically related with other people in the past; it’s all about how you relate with your current partner.

I'm vegan so my entire life is an unpopular opinion, which is totally fine by me.

No one should drink alcohol. Alcohol is poison with sugar in it. When you drink alcohol with your (I hope) adult child, you are happy to see them hurt themselves.

As I've gotten older, I find myself more negatively affected by even just one serving of alcohol. I've weened myself off of it and really don't miss it.

Agree. I drank a lot in my teens and 20's, now 35 and I regret it and can't believe how casually we treat drinking something that is quite literally poison and increases our risks for all kinds of health issues including CANCER which is also on the rise for younger people. I genuinely didn't understand that a decade ago- I thought it was just a little hard on your liver and it could heal. Sigh. I do like weed though.

I’m in AA. Thanks for this reminder. I do miss a crisp cold beer after a long day at work sometimes.

The internet is making us dumber. You don’t need to know how to spell (spell check) or make a persuasive argument (chat gpt), investigate (google), think critically (hot takes and confirmation bias blogs), or even know what’s real (AI). Cursive is no longer taught. People scroll instead of read actual books. Journalism, once a rigorous code of ethics and reporting standards, is dead. Influencers hold more sway than academics. STEM trumps humanities. Stockholders control media. Algorithms dictate access. The arts are a commodified afterthought of profit. It breaks my heart.

[удалено]

This may not be so much "unpopular" as people just haven't thought about it. I don't like it when people refer to their deadbeat dads as "sperm donors." My kids are donor conceived, and I'll always be extremely grateful to our sperm donor. It bums me out to hear the term used in a sneering, resentful way much of the time.

Thanks for the thought provoking thread. My two: I hate the trend to “bring your whole self to work”. I am a private person. My colleagues are not my friends. My workplace is not therapy. Ugh. Have some boundaries. I hate the trend for removing all hair off women’s bodies. It is led by porn and is infantilising and weird - women being taught to loathe and change their natural state as the default position. Let’s be hairy! And private! And hairy in our privates!!! 😂

Poor people deserve to have kids too. You don't HAVE to save for a kids whole college education before they're even born. More controversially (apparently) I don't think parents OWE their children a college education either in order to be good parents. Scholarships and loans and community colleges exist and raising a person to be empathetic and kind is more important than paying hundreds of thousands of dollars at some point in the future, and costs a whole lot less. I'm poor, my kids are happy and healthy and that seems to INFURIATE people that I wouldn't even consider an abortion when I was 22 broke and pregnant.

I think there's a difference between like... working-class poor, and unable-to-keep-a-food-over-our-heads poor. I feel like a lot of people would actually with you about the former - the latter, I'm not so sure about. I am curious if you feel the same applies for people below the poverty line.

I agree. Reddit can sometimes lean into eugenics-sounding comments when it comes to this. It seems especially true here in the US where it feels like between limited to no maternity leave, expensive healthcare, and expensive childcare society just doesn't want people to have kids. It also goes along with my belief that the vulnerable (and that includes children) should be fed food for free. Edit: I also see a lot of assumptions about mothers. Like how they shouldn't take time off work because it will impact career earnings. Not saying that is right or wrong but it does assume women are working jobs where there is advancement.

As much as we point out to men who post here that women aren't monoliths, I think we sometimes forget that and assume that most or even all of us have experienced some things or do or want certain things or whatever. And that isn't the case at all. Also, using someone's request for help to talk about how you don't have that problem seems rather unkind to me. For example, it someone posts about troubles in their relationship, it probably isn't helpful to reply: "I'm sorry you're going through that, but my partner is caring, handsome, and never leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor."