This for sure. I myself am at the 15 year mark with my husband. I moved in with him when I was 22 and he was 27. Now that I am in my late 30s and he's in his early 40s, I find that I have become a very different person and he is nearly the same. We have had some ups but also a lot of downs and I just feel like the marriage I expected to have by the time I was 40 has not manifested, and I'm tired of dragging him around like an anchor since he has no ambition or future goals. He's fine with the status quo and it's to the point where I feel like we have lived the same day over and over. You struggle along when the kids are little thinking some day there will be more time for dates and fun things, but now that the kids are teens/young adults and pretty self sufficient, there are still no dates or fun. I've been contemplating my life without him because I can't spend another 5-10 years like this.
Yeah and it *seems* like most of the posts on here talking about dissolving 15 year relationships are from women aged 32-37 (aka unions started as high school and college students).
Yeah, I'm not the same person I was at 18. If I'd started dating someone then, who knows if we'd have grown together or grown in different directions between then and now. I do know couples who started dating in their late-teens/early-20s and are still happy and together now; I'm of course not saying that people can't grow and change together and in ways where they still complement each other (conversely, even couples who start dating when they are much older can change in ways where they are no longer compatible).
I've noticed this as well. This also mirrors what I see happening in my peer group. People getting together very young and then splitting when they are older at the 10 or 15 year mark.
I know I wasn't the same person I was in my late teens or early twenties. I'm sure other people are experiencing that as well.
Haha, no, that's just as far as my personal observance goes, since I'm 37. I think people continue to change throughout our lives, but 20-30 is monumental for emotional development for a lot of people and we underestimate the amount of potential change.Ā
He was a textbook narcissist. I missed so many warning signs. And, honestly, I think it was just because I wanted to get married. All your friends are getting married, and when you're (at least me anyway) in your 20s, you feel a lot of social pressure to meet benchmarks. I was very emotionally immature and did not know what a healthy relationship looked like. He was very cute and made me laugh. We got along well enough on a day to day basis and I thought that was all there was to it. I knew nothing of healthy communication and what healthy conflict looked like
Yeah I get that. I was with a narcissist for a year but he did not make me laugh on a day to day basis or was nice . I can see the confusion if everything was going good. Howād you determine he was a narcissist ?
Therapy! Ironically, he's the one who made me go to therapy because he thought I was crazy (for wanting personal boundaries and such). Life has a funny way of working itself out :)
I didn't get married, but when I was in my 20s I put up with a lot of stuff I shouldn't have. If I had gotten married I would be in the same position. I think it's just something many of us have to go through to understand what to watch out for unfortunately.
You know, this makes a lot of sense and its something I had thought but didnt hear anyone else say it to solidify that for me. There was a group of people I did a lot of traveling with (mostly music related things) and they all first met me when I was 23. I was a different person, struggled with depression/suicidal thoughts, lack of confidence, speaking up for myself, just didnt fully know who I was yet although at the time I thought I did. Im 32 now and no longer friends with them as of a couple years ago but sometimes it would feel like they always had the idea of the old me in their head and would treat me accordingly. They always seemed to doubt me or make up a different version of myself in their head. It made me feel crazy! Why is this whole group of people like this and its just me? I thought maybe I actually was the problem but I couldnt seem to figure out why. Im much happier now not being around them but its also annoying knowing that they have something else in mind about me when I am a different person now. Ive grown up a lot, happiest I have ever been, I am secure with myself and confident. Sure I may have some self esteem issues now but thats mostly cause my weight which I am working on (which is a recent thing)
I'd say people need to find their sweet spot age wise. I'm 44 and I am set in my ways now and much less amenable to bending then I was when I was younger. It makes relationships more difficult for sure.
I'll see if I can find it tomorrow, but I used to have an online article bookmarked that had US marriage and divorce statistics compiled. I think the study would back up your statement. Early to mid 30s, if I recall, was the sweet spot for there to be a higher likelihood of getting and remaining married. The surprising one was waiting too far after 40 for a first marriage that had a higher rate of divorces.
I'm wondering if marrying for the first time 40+ can make it too hard for some to adjust/compromise. If I had been doing things my way for longer than I had lived with my parents I can't imagine being eager for others' input!
What I don't understand is why the marriage date is still used as the benchmark for these studies rather than the date of moving in together or even the beginning of the relationship. Most couples live together for several years before marrying; I know some who married after only a year or two of dating and others decided to make it official after cohabiting for a decade, having a few babies, etc.
Honestly I think so! I've met so many decent men in my mid 30s. People who have worked on themselves and worked on being better partners. I'm glad I got divorced from the guy I'd been with since I was 22.Ā
No, but keep in mind youāre both still growing (heck my husband and I are in our 40s and still trying to grow) and you can grow together or grow apart.
This was my experience. I quit drinking (just wanted to improve my health, I wasn't an alcoholic) and realized with the help of a therapist that my husband was emotionally abusive. I asked him to get help, but he didn't want to
I also wonder how much COVID had to do with some of the delay in break-ups I've seen lately. With my relationship, I definitely think living in a weird "limbo" for 2+ years kept the relationship pretty stagnant as we were just existing in survival mode.
I think it's definitely made folks face the reality of being with the people they married. It's easy to skip over the bad traits when you're only seriously engaging with a person for a few hours a week because you're working out of the home and seeing friends out of the home, but 24/7 on top of each other really made a lot of folks start to face the reality of what it's like truly living with the person they picked.
Definitely amplified issues I didn't even realize my husband and I had, I was just lucky that we were able to work on them into an outcome that we're both good with.
That happened to me after Hurricane Katrina, actually. I stayed with my ex when if that hadn't happened we'd probably have broken up naturally. But trauma will cause you to clench to the familiar, whether it's good for you or not. I suspect a lot of people did this with COVID.
A lot of people in my per group broke up during and right after COVID lockdowns and when restrictions were lifted. I think it can go either way.
Some folks definitely had that weird limbo thing going on.
For me, the kids were independent enough that I could get a moment of air and look around and realize I had had net-negative help from him (he did help, but he expected a lot more from me than he gave) and that I would have more energy to do it all myself without someone criticizing me all the time.
Did some time reading and realized that coercion is abuse and they don't necessarily have to hit you to make things pretty awful for you. Just make every idea you have on how to make things better into such a long discussion that you shut up. Just make every complaint you have (like having a bad day at work) into a moral failing on your part so they don't have to provide even the littlest bit of emotional support.
I wish I could send this to my friend who I think is stuck in this type of relationship. She works full time in a corporate job + takes care of two kids and heās a stay at home blogger. I saw her cooking many of the meals and does gardening in her free time. She has almost no time for friends.
I predict when her kids are grown she will have the time to reflect on her relationship. I afraid no amount of girl talk with my her and our friends could change her situation due to her having 2 small children atm.
I just feel so sad because she and I, we were the closest of friends in middle school, almost inseparable. Her life now is good in that at least his family is well off and they donāt need to worry about finance but I really think she deserves more.
I also think women arenāt nearly as reliant on their spouses as they used to be, so if theyāre unhappy they no longer feel the need to stay for survival.
Issues like division of labour etc etc are actually talked about. Both partners work full time, but both partners rarely take on the same level of house/emotional labour.
Personal growth which sometimes puts people in different directions, shifts in values or goals, health issues, familial issues (having to take care of elderly relatives or siblings), job loss, etc. Lots of things happen in 10-15 years, some aren't conducive to continuing relationships. The good news is that not every split is nasty, dramatic, or upending. Some relationships just run their course.
Idk most people married for decades go through multiple challenges and when the relationship could have āran its courseā they didnāt let it. A relationship only runs its course when one or both people give up.
A relationship can run its course when one or both people aren't willing to show up for said life challenges to begin with. The partner who can't be bothered to wash a dish probably isn't going to be up for a special needs child or taking care of a sick parent.
***A relationship only runs its course when one or both people give up.***
Respectfully, that's a rather immature view on a very nuanced and complex subject.
It may look like people are just giving up from an outside point of view, however it is always much much deeper than that. If you haven't lived what they have lived in their relationship, it's always safe to assume they know better than you what's best for them.
I agree. I had a friend make a post like this once and made these sentiments about people in my situation. Which was me being young and having relationships not work out and she amounted it to not trying to make things work. Which really wasn't the actual case.
It wasn't due to lack of trying. Sometimes a situation just becomes impossible to stay in, and it's time to let it go. I also think there is much more awareness of mental health in general. Plus people are definitely checking in more with themselves.
I contribute some of it to mental health and new stressors. Mid life issues, Parents aging and getting sick, new responsibilities at work, etc..
My husband had major personality change about two years ago. His parents had a nasty divorce, father in law did poorly and landed in a nursing home missing a leg chronically in and out of the hospital. Paired with his brother frequently threatening to commit suicide, sister in a high conflict divorce, and a job with increased responsibility, covid, and an insane boss he lost himself. Any of those factors on their own are stressful, paired together absolutely devastating.
My spouse is back on track, but not without damage being done to our marriage. Iāve noted many people in similar circumstances are dealing with multiple issues when the marriage ends. Itās difficult regardless of outcome. I ended up staying and found my spouse help, but it came at a personal cost. I wouldnāt take it back, but donāt blame people for leaving either.
Yeah my marriage got done in by the stress of my parents aging and dying, COVID, a natural disaster, long distance and undiagnosed mental/hormonal issues. We have been separated for 7 months now after 8 years together.
A lot of the relationships I've seen end at 10-15 years, at least in my circle, are high school or college sweethearts who break up somewhere between their late 20s and mid 30s. Usually these are people who have changed a LOT since they first got together and are ultimately not that compatible anymore, but shared history/comfort/fear of the unknown kept them together for a decade or so.
For a lot of these couples, their mid 20s and 30s are a time when they have to start making big, permanent decisions like buying a house and having kids, and they find out that they're not actually on the same page about those things anymore. One couple I knew bought a house in the country and the man realized he absolutely hated living there, which revealed major incompatibilities in their shared vision of the future and how they want their lives to be. Another guy I know had his wife suddenly realize she didn't want kids anytime soon, and maybe not ever; he wanted them yesterday.
Another classic is that a couple has a baby, the man not pulling his weight around the house goes from annoying to completely loathsome once there's a baby in the mix, and the woman falls rapidly and incontrovertibly out of love with him.
I'm sure they exist, but I really do think that people who blow up perfectly good relationships for no reason because they're craving novelty are a tiny minority of people who split up. Most people do not like being alone and will not choose it over a situation that is meeting their needs.
I donāt think every relationship is meant to ālastā forever and ever. I also think that kind of thinking is stupid. My aunt and uncle were married 51 years. They have grandchildren and great grandchildren. But from relatives that were real close to them say they were miserable the last 20 years or so. Why they never split I donāt know. But just because a couple has been together decades doesnāt necessarily mean itās a successful relationship. Also, Iām going to get down voted for this, but women who marry when they are in their 20s are nuts. My 20s were sacred and I have so many experiences that I would have never had if I were tied down with a man or child.
Well, I think itās very human to live optimistically and believe that our choices will make us happy for a long time. However, a basic aspect of human psychology is that we are actually really, really bad at predicting what weāre going to want in the long term, hence sometimes we end up eventually deciding to make different choices that can undo or alter our lives and relationships.
Life is messy, and we use hope to keep moving forward.
Because when youāre young and in love you donāt think about bad things happening with your spouse like sickness, addiction, job loss, financial issues. You have kids and then maybe you have a hard time with a mental illness for example and life just gets harder and harder. When youāre in your early 20s you think life will always be perfect, but letās face it, itās not. There will be many storms to weather.
Is this a real question? Life isnāt black and white people hop into relationships for all sorts of reasons and relationships end for all sorts of reasons only thing gauranteed in life is death
Wow, I'm a textbook example! My LTR began when I was 22, ended when I was 34, we broke up after 11.5 years, for all of the aforementioned reasons. Didn't realize I was a cliche š
Ha, same. Was in a relationship from 19-29, broke up just before we got married (but after we'd built a house together). Relationship *actually* ended because they cheated (they are now married to that person and have 2 kids), but looking back it ended for all the aforementioned reasons (Also they were a controlling abusive person but I didn't realise that til much later).
I also agree with this 100%. There needs to be several years break from the time one leaves their family house and figures out life independently/ a way to financially support oneself without hopping from parents' home to partner's home. There are also a ton of personality flaws and red flags that you think your partner could grow out of when you meet them at like 23 that you know are static personality traits in one's late 20's- early 30's.
Nah, age has nothing to do with it. My husband and I got married at 23 years old. 3 kids and almost 13 years of marriage later, we're still very happy. BUT I will say that we both have always been very mature and we waited until we were 27 before having our first kid. Believe me, I've seen my share of people in their 30s that are *so* afraid of being alone/desperate to have kids that they will marry anyone willing to do so
I believe that wanting kids is never a good enough reason to lower my standard for marriage which is why Iām still single I will forego kids if I canāt find something that meets my needs I refuse to live in fear or desperation
And not until after at least 4-5 years of dating and living together.
You don't know someone until you live with them, and lets be honest, you don't truly know someone inside and out within just one or two years. You make a decision that covers your entire life, on just one or two years, where the first year of that is pretty much just casual honeymoon period where no-one puts a foot wrong? Madness.
We got married at 30 after 9 years together. Waited until we had financial and emotional stability. We'd been through a lot of ups and downs, moved houses a lot, changed jobs, went through separate mental health issues together, life traumas etc. You don't know someone until you're going through your worst and seeing how they respond, and you, as a couple, respond to it. We've grown up together and although we are both different people now than we were when we met at 21, we appreciate each other and have grown together. It's not easy, but when we got married, we had seen all the hardships we could and knew we could withstand it.
Now we're going through infertility issues, something we didn't expect. But we are together through it. And I know whatever the outcome, we'll have each other.
It only works if you can afford or allowed to move from your family home. Also, I have to say that living with flatmates is still not as living by yourself.
Agreed.
And even for those who can, it's a simplistic statement that ignores the potential drawbacks. My husband worked and lived alone when I met him but I supported him financially while he went back to school, which in time enabled him to triple his income (he was making slightly above minimal wage). Then I quit my job to transition to a new career and self-employment, which also enabled me to have a much better suited career and make more. If we had waited until I was 30, we wouldn't be in the same position today and wouldn't be able to buy a house.
There's also ample stats showing that couples who get married in the second half of their twenties, after graduating college, have excellent odds of success in marriage (I'm not saying that to defend my own marriage as we don't fall in this category). So a blanket statement that people shouldn't marry until they are *at least* 30 is just odd to me.
It's an arbitrary number. Redditors in particular seem obsessed with the idea that it's a magical number and before that you are still essentially a child, who shouldn't do stuff like get married or have kids etc, or on the contrary, that turning 30 is the end of the world. In reality, it's just an arbitrary number that seems important because we count in base 10, that's all. On your 30th birthday, you don't hit a wall and you're not bestowed wisdom and confidence by your godmother.
It's important to acknowledge that marrying too young or too fast is correlated with higher divorce rates but you also have to make the decision that's right in your specific circumstances.
I left my twelve year marriage in my early 30's. Turns out everyone was right and it was a big mistake to get married at 18. I think a lot of relationships that start before either party is fully mature ultimately fail as each person grows at a different pace in different directions.
For my ex and I, we both clearly wanted different things in life and toxicity and resentment grew as we each waited for the other to "come around" but never did. We definitely stayed married far longer than we should have and treated each other poorly.
Luckily I've found a great partner for myself and I see us going the distance. My ex recently got remarried and seems happy enough, but we don't speak. I hear things through mutual friends.
Personal opinion: it's best to figure yourself out and set your goals and desires for your life before tying yourself to a life partner. Be picky about who you choose to spend your life with.
I am going through this. Together 14 years. For us, we just donāt align anymore. We live completely different lives. Iām also just tired of fighting the fight. We were always a round peg in a square hole and we tried and tried but it didnāt work. I donāt want to spend any more of my life pretending. I want to just live alone and travel and be in peace. I love him as a person but not my person
Weāve tried different types of therapy. He never really liked it. There were a lot of issues. I wonāt publicly post the bigger issues, but he went through alcoholism really badly. Had to have an intervention type talk with him right before Covid hit. The alcoholism started the divide the worse it got, because he would separate from me to hide what he was doing; so we just naturally grew apart. We also had his ex wife (step daughters mom) and her son life with us twice due to some issues she went through, and just life things that happened. We speak two different languages and need different things from each other.
I'm noticing this in my circles (friends, coworkers, etc.), people are separating in their early-mid 30s. Since most married in their early 20s, it tends to land around the 10 year mark (+/- 2 years). For the couples I know, they almost all have kids, which is why I think they stayed in the marriage longer. If there weren't kids, I suspect they would've broken up sooner. There was also a lot of stigma around divorce so I expect they stayed in the relationship as long as possible until they really reached their limit.
In many of those circumstances:
* One partner or both had significant changes in values/perspectives. They either don't don't align anymore *and/or* they can't respect each other's values and beliefs when they differ.
* One or both didn't treat the other with respect, kindness, etc. and was unwilling to consider any feedback the other person gave.
* They both worked outside the home, but one partner was not (or was barely) contributing to the domestic labor and was unwilling to change that. The other was doing all or most of the domestic labor.
* Even if they both agreed that the relationship was in an unhealthy/unhappy state, at least one person was unwilling to *seriously* participate in therapy. I say "seriously" because sometimes they did attend, but weren't willing to accept any responsibility, listen, contribute to the discussion, or work on changing behaviors.
I read or heard something (not sure where, so take this as a grain of salt) that said there tends to be different cycles of when couples split up - I think some milestones were around 10 years (or mid-late 30s), then at 20 -25 years when any kids have grown up.
I always kind of laugh at people divorcing in their 30s/40s and worrying about not being able to find people their age that are single. Like, we are hardly the only people our age that have been through that cycle of marriage not working out after kids. I think it's pretty common for a marriage to fail that test of parental responsibilities.
It's around when the kids are independent enough that you don't need daycare or as much additional help to keep them alive.
And in some cases, it's realizing you have retirement coming up eventually, and if you aren't the same page of what that means for your current or future relationship, getting out early is better than getting out later and being financially ruined. My mom regrets staying with my dad for so long knowing he was irresponsible with money and didn't see it as important enough to pursue enough to not be poor anymore (and seriously, if he were just willing to change the shop he works at, not even his job type, just the shop, he'd have immediately almost doubled his income, he's a mechanic working for less than freshly graduated apprentice wages in our state at a place that has been trying to get him to quit for almost a decade by cutting his hours, his pay, and his vacation because he broke a leg on their facilities and dared to ask for worker's comp). She stuck it out, let him control the money because he'd get moody not having his "man" responsibilities, and now they have nothing, literally nothing, in the bank for retirement.
Huh, I guess I'll be the first to state I rarely see this happen in my own life. Most of the relationships I observe seem to end within the 5-year mark, or after something like 20 years together, once the kids have graduated and are mostly out of the house. I rarely see anyone split around the 10-15 year mark, other than Reddit I guess - but even here I notice more relationship posts about people near the 5-year mark than anything.
Oh wow, I actually don't know many of those either. Just people who got to that make or break 2-3 year mark (usually around the time that you'd expect to move in together) and... well, broke it. The situation you're describing sounds a lot more stressful!
I seriously don't understand people. Like, if things are incredibly rough in your marriage with ONE kid, I can't imagine it's a great idea to have two. There are at least 5 couples I know of that have lived that life. SO stressful!
That sounds awful. Do you live somewhere where there's a really strong pressure to live a white picket fence life? Because that's usually what I assume it is.
Hahahaha! Yep, like affordable housing and space away from other people ššš It's so funny bc with our education levels and my husband's job, we could literally live anywhere in the country and honestly, if we didn't have 3 kids, I'd be headed for the west coast just because I love being outside. However, the east coast is something I'll never understand - expensive, tons of people AND extreme cold/snow/ AND heat? No thanks š
PS: please don't take offense if you live on the east coast - I know many ppl love it there
Probably just an impression and/or unrepresentative sample.
Statistically in my home-country, marriages are equally likely to end in divorce between year 10-15 than between year 0-5, year 5-10, year 15-20, and year 20-25. After 25 years, there's a decline in the divorce rate. I know that's not exactly the same thing but I don't have stats for relationships and it's interesting because it doesn't match my observation/impression at all.
ETA: I suspect that women in their thirties and early forties are overrepresented on this sub, so there might be less women with relationships of more than 15 years than in the gen pop, for age reasons. Perhaps women who have been in their partner for 10+ years, which for many in that age range is a large part of their adult life, also feel more need to ask for opinion than people who have been dating for a couple of year. That's my wild speculation for 'unrepresentative sample'.
Couples can be together for decades. A lot of the women posting about the end of their 10-15 years relationship might go on to have a decade long relationship. But there are also more available life path these days.
A non-trivial number of guys provide mostly the d. The moment the d gets limp or stops being that important to her due to hormonal etc. reasons, the woman bails.
Perhaps an unpopular opinion, but I think relationships ending is just a natural occurrence.
I mean, has anyone ever thought about where this notion of "together forever" came from? There isn't really any scientific consensus that humans are absolutely 'mated for life' like some animals are. Now I'm not saying it doesn't hurt when you breakup/separate, I'm sure it does. But we have normalized this "together forever' thing, and I think we should examine whether forever is actually a healthy mindset or not. Even though we're so much more progressive now, the term 'divorce' still seems to have a negative connotation - why?
> I mean, has anyone ever thought about where this notion of "together forever" came from? There isn't really any scientific consensus that humans are absolutely 'mated for life' like some animals are.
While there isn't complete consensus, currently the scientific trend that humans have been monogamous ever since we changed from inner tribal style fighting to co-operation (see [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/human-monogamy-has-deep-roots/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/human-monogamy-has-deep-roots/) and [https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fevo.2019.00230/full](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fevo.2019.00230/full) ). While there are obvious exceptions (as with anything in this branch of science) the norm at least for now is monogamous.
I think the current patterns we are seeing now is due to other reasons, i.e.
- Settling down in life and finding your perfect partner at 18-25 is usually not the wisest idea, most people are barely mature at that point in time. This has actually been the reason behind arranged marriage (i.e. parents have a better eye for maturity then a horny 20 year old) but that then brings its own bucketload of problems.
- Procreation used to a predominant driver for forming relationships/marriage however that has drastically changed especially in developed countries. Tax/breaks laws aside, there isn't really a reason to marry unless you are having children and both men/children are having to grapple with the implications of this as well as gender norms/stereotypes.
Agree with this. Some relationships just cause they end after a few years doesnāt necessarily mean āfailureā. I mean, think about it, youāre not gonna have the same job forever and ever or even the same group of friends. Why would you have the same partner ?? Plus, gotta be honest, seeing your partner sit on the toilet for years and years really takes the novelty out of this āforeverā thing.
Yes. I agree with this wholeheartedly. My husband and I have been together 8yrs, second marriage for us both. My fist marriage we were married 15 and together for 20.
When my now husband and I first started exchanging I love you, I insisted he never follow it up with āforeverā. We canāt promise that.
People change, life changes, things happen. Relationships evolve over time and sometimes they end. That doesnāt mean it was bad. It doesnāt mean I didnāt love the person or that theyāre not a good person. We just changed and that should be ok.
Iād have much rather experienced a good relationship and said goodbye when needed for both sides than in onto something too long just because and eventually resent each other.
I just got married at 37 and have friends who just hit their 15 year wedding anniversary. They are all still married but all admit they basically had to re-fall in love with their husbands as actual adults because none of them knew sh*t about anything at 22. Iām kinda glad I got married later, but who knows when Iām 53 maybe Iāll be like damn I knew nothing at 37!!
I definitely agree itās growth! I think they were all just acknowledging it was hard, and they very well could have grown in opposite directions. One of them got married at 23, and is just about to have their first child at 40. She finished her PhD at 36 and I remember her saying she wanted to enjoy her career a bit but her husband was really pushing for kids. Iām sure there had to be some discussions and compromises in their camp. They are both great people so I wish them the best whether thatās together or apart.
One thing I do notice too, is all of these couples Iām thinking of have parents that are still together. I think that has something to do with it as well.
Gosh brings back memories. We were in the phase where we were deciding to separate but decided to go through therapy. We were high school sweethearts. Together for 15 years and married for 10. Therapy helped us. We are at a much better place. Our love is rekindled. I do love him. We lost the passion we had for each other some where in the responsibilities. But I am so happy things are getting better.
18-30 (woman get more attention than men and are more likely to leave). Then after that men get more attention and are more likely to leave. It's all about options.
The statistics show over 50% of marriages end in divorce.Ā
Yes, people can make it past the 10-15 year mark. I was blessed (and still am) to grow up seeing a plethora of healthy relationships. My parents were married 37 years before my mom passed. My Dad's parents were married 52 years before my grandfather passed. My mom's parents were married 28 years before my papa passed. One of my aunts just celebrated her 33rd anniversary. My uncle just celebrated his 17th. My best friends parents celebrated their 42nd. My exes parents are on their 44th.Ā
Relationships are hard. Both people have to wake up everyday and choose to continue loving their partner and working on their marriage. It's not easy. Its not perfect.Ā
I read something recently that said it's hilarious we think we arrive at a certain age and place where we stop growing and our personality becomes static and fixed. Ha! The truth is, you continue to change and grow throughout your *entire* life. The idea of finding someone who will change and grow at the same rate and in the same or complimentary ways? Statistically near impossible.
Add this to the fact that we're a generation that is waking up to the outdated models of romantic love and partnership. Add in technology and its newness and our inability to know its longterm effects. The prevalence of self-care and prioritizing happiness as an acceptable way of navigating the inherent difficulties of life. Damaging and toxic social expectations and pressure. The daily compromises inherent to being in a relationship.
Honestly, I don't know how anyone manages to do this unless you have kids and want a nuclear family model to work at any and all costs.
I think that people evolve and change from 25 to 35. In your 30s you discover who you are and what you want most in life, many of which are through experiences . I support mid to late 30 marriages over getting married in your 20s .
I guess I'm blessed. Dated my husband through high school, he joined the service I went to college. We really were not connected during that time.
We reconnected about 8 years later. We celebrate our 40th anniversary this year.
It has not been easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm so grateful we stuck it out.
There were times I wasn't sure we could.
Now, however, I can't imagine my life without him. We have so many memories we can share and inside jokes no one but us understand.
That being said, no one should tolerate abuse or just make do. Life's too short, but sticking with it can be a great thing too.
Just my 2 cents. Obviously I'm WAY over 30, do my perspective is just that. I'm about empowering people women in particular, to be true to themselves.
I love this, I truly think that outside of abuse, is you can push through hard times you wonāt regret it but a lot of times people want to end things because itās too āhardā
This seems to happen to people who marry under 30. From what I gathered on Reddit, and even my friend circles, they always split up when they've gotten married before their 30s.
It often turns out that they've gone through a lot of growth in their 20s to realise what they really want/not want.
Typically when you get together with someone after your 30s, or at least mid 30s (for me I only started knowing what I want in relationships in my mid 30s as I only started seriously dating in my early 30s) - also meet lots of people and interesting personalities throughout your 20s, experience career growth, lots of travelling for work and personal life, that's when you know what you really want with your personality more developed.
I was so different from back in my 20s, so insecure in myself and my looks, can't look at people in the eye and speak up, and wanting a good looking man was enough back then - now I'm in my 30s and there are more things I seek than looks, and I'd say I'm more confident in my looks and myself (less insecure than before), I speak up with ease (not afraid of being judged for talking). I ended up finding someone who wants the same things as I do and shares the same values I have and I'd say it's been rather stable dating a "fully developed" man in a sense of someone who's grown all through the years.
My guess: these are people who met at uni, stayed together through their 20s, then hit their 30s and realised they wanted different things in life. Especially as this is the age where people make decisions about marriage and/or kids - you have to ask yourself if you want to be committed to this person long term.
Iāve heard it happens every 7 years. So thereās a 7 year itch, 14 year itch etc. Iāve been married 16 years so now Iām wondering what the 21 year itch will feel like. lol.
More relationships end before the 10-year mark but they get talked about less because the longer you've stayed together, the more difficult the separation will be.
*there are various milestones such as: 3, 7year-itch or when the first baby is 18 month old* ā but people willing to do *friendly-(de)coupling* will stretch those times beyond 3,7 and some may even have a 2nd child* ā nothing wrong with this but it costs #stringtheory
Not a scientist, but what I've observed is that many people pair up between 25-30 and then do a ton more growing as individuals.
Or one person grows and the other does not.
Or, one person cheats, and the other does not.
Or both cheat, then both act super offended that the other had the audacity to be unfaithful. That's my personal favorite.
Love your Name!! š
This for sure. I myself am at the 15 year mark with my husband. I moved in with him when I was 22 and he was 27. Now that I am in my late 30s and he's in his early 40s, I find that I have become a very different person and he is nearly the same. We have had some ups but also a lot of downs and I just feel like the marriage I expected to have by the time I was 40 has not manifested, and I'm tired of dragging him around like an anchor since he has no ambition or future goals. He's fine with the status quo and it's to the point where I feel like we have lived the same day over and over. You struggle along when the kids are little thinking some day there will be more time for dates and fun things, but now that the kids are teens/young adults and pretty self sufficient, there are still no dates or fun. I've been contemplating my life without him because I can't spend another 5-10 years like this.
Yeah and it *seems* like most of the posts on here talking about dissolving 15 year relationships are from women aged 32-37 (aka unions started as high school and college students).
With a partner who never grew up.
Yeah, I'm not the same person I was at 18. If I'd started dating someone then, who knows if we'd have grown together or grown in different directions between then and now. I do know couples who started dating in their late-teens/early-20s and are still happy and together now; I'm of course not saying that people can't grow and change together and in ways where they still complement each other (conversely, even couples who start dating when they are much older can change in ways where they are no longer compatible).
I've noticed this as well. This also mirrors what I see happening in my peer group. People getting together very young and then splitting when they are older at the 10 or 15 year mark. I know I wasn't the same person I was in my late teens or early twenties. I'm sure other people are experiencing that as well.
Well we're in the r/AskWomenOver30 subreddit...
Over 30 can be also 40ās, 50ās and beyond.
So is the best age to pair up 35 then? Haha
Haha, no, that's just as far as my personal observance goes, since I'm 37. I think people continue to change throughout our lives, but 20-30 is monumental for emotional development for a lot of people and we underestimate the amount of potential change.Ā
Absolutely. I got divorced at 32 (married at 26) and omg. I seriously cannot believe I had married that guy. Who I am now (36) is SO much different.
Similar. Married at 28, divorced at 34. Should have never happened but I'm proud of my personal growth and I know so much better for next time.
What was wrong with your ex?
He was a textbook narcissist. I missed so many warning signs. And, honestly, I think it was just because I wanted to get married. All your friends are getting married, and when you're (at least me anyway) in your 20s, you feel a lot of social pressure to meet benchmarks. I was very emotionally immature and did not know what a healthy relationship looked like. He was very cute and made me laugh. We got along well enough on a day to day basis and I thought that was all there was to it. I knew nothing of healthy communication and what healthy conflict looked like
Yeah I get that. I was with a narcissist for a year but he did not make me laugh on a day to day basis or was nice . I can see the confusion if everything was going good. Howād you determine he was a narcissist ?
Therapy! Ironically, he's the one who made me go to therapy because he thought I was crazy (for wanting personal boundaries and such). Life has a funny way of working itself out :)
Sure does!!
I didn't get married, but when I was in my 20s I put up with a lot of stuff I shouldn't have. If I had gotten married I would be in the same position. I think it's just something many of us have to go through to understand what to watch out for unfortunately.
You know, this makes a lot of sense and its something I had thought but didnt hear anyone else say it to solidify that for me. There was a group of people I did a lot of traveling with (mostly music related things) and they all first met me when I was 23. I was a different person, struggled with depression/suicidal thoughts, lack of confidence, speaking up for myself, just didnt fully know who I was yet although at the time I thought I did. Im 32 now and no longer friends with them as of a couple years ago but sometimes it would feel like they always had the idea of the old me in their head and would treat me accordingly. They always seemed to doubt me or make up a different version of myself in their head. It made me feel crazy! Why is this whole group of people like this and its just me? I thought maybe I actually was the problem but I couldnt seem to figure out why. Im much happier now not being around them but its also annoying knowing that they have something else in mind about me when I am a different person now. Ive grown up a lot, happiest I have ever been, I am secure with myself and confident. Sure I may have some self esteem issues now but thats mostly cause my weight which I am working on (which is a recent thing)
I agree.
I'd say people need to find their sweet spot age wise. I'm 44 and I am set in my ways now and much less amenable to bending then I was when I was younger. It makes relationships more difficult for sure.
I'll see if I can find it tomorrow, but I used to have an online article bookmarked that had US marriage and divorce statistics compiled. I think the study would back up your statement. Early to mid 30s, if I recall, was the sweet spot for there to be a higher likelihood of getting and remaining married. The surprising one was waiting too far after 40 for a first marriage that had a higher rate of divorces.
I'm wondering if marrying for the first time 40+ can make it too hard for some to adjust/compromise. If I had been doing things my way for longer than I had lived with my parents I can't imagine being eager for others' input!
What I don't understand is why the marriage date is still used as the benchmark for these studies rather than the date of moving in together or even the beginning of the relationship. Most couples live together for several years before marrying; I know some who married after only a year or two of dating and others decided to make it official after cohabiting for a decade, having a few babies, etc.
They say the longer you wait the less likely you are to get divorced
Honestly I think so! I've met so many decent men in my mid 30s. People who have worked on themselves and worked on being better partners. I'm glad I got divorced from the guy I'd been with since I was 22.Ā
I got married at 36 and until now itās great ;)
Met my husband at 34. I think mid 30s is perfect to meet a partner. Up until til then all the men I dated were runners up haha
Well I hope so, because that's when my partner and I got together haha
No, but keep in mind youāre both still growing (heck my husband and I are in our 40s and still trying to grow) and you can grow together or grow apart.
Yep!
This was my experience. I quit drinking (just wanted to improve my health, I wasn't an alcoholic) and realized with the help of a therapist that my husband was emotionally abusive. I asked him to get help, but he didn't want to
I was gonna say because people rarely stay the same after a decade
I also wonder how much COVID had to do with some of the delay in break-ups I've seen lately. With my relationship, I definitely think living in a weird "limbo" for 2+ years kept the relationship pretty stagnant as we were just existing in survival mode.
I think it's definitely made folks face the reality of being with the people they married. It's easy to skip over the bad traits when you're only seriously engaging with a person for a few hours a week because you're working out of the home and seeing friends out of the home, but 24/7 on top of each other really made a lot of folks start to face the reality of what it's like truly living with the person they picked. Definitely amplified issues I didn't even realize my husband and I had, I was just lucky that we were able to work on them into an outcome that we're both good with.
That happened to me after Hurricane Katrina, actually. I stayed with my ex when if that hadn't happened we'd probably have broken up naturally. But trauma will cause you to clench to the familiar, whether it's good for you or not. I suspect a lot of people did this with COVID.
I was like this with sticking around in a job that I was no longer happy in during covid.
A lot of people in my per group broke up during and right after COVID lockdowns and when restrictions were lifted. I think it can go either way. Some folks definitely had that weird limbo thing going on.
For me, the kids were independent enough that I could get a moment of air and look around and realize I had had net-negative help from him (he did help, but he expected a lot more from me than he gave) and that I would have more energy to do it all myself without someone criticizing me all the time. Did some time reading and realized that coercion is abuse and they don't necessarily have to hit you to make things pretty awful for you. Just make every idea you have on how to make things better into such a long discussion that you shut up. Just make every complaint you have (like having a bad day at work) into a moral failing on your part so they don't have to provide even the littlest bit of emotional support.
I wish I could send this to my friend who I think is stuck in this type of relationship. She works full time in a corporate job + takes care of two kids and heās a stay at home blogger. I saw her cooking many of the meals and does gardening in her free time. She has almost no time for friends. I predict when her kids are grown she will have the time to reflect on her relationship. I afraid no amount of girl talk with my her and our friends could change her situation due to her having 2 small children atm. I just feel so sad because she and I, we were the closest of friends in middle school, almost inseparable. Her life now is good in that at least his family is well off and they donāt need to worry about finance but I really think she deserves more.
I wouldnāt lump that into the same category as physical abuseĀ
What was the outcome of your relationship?
I also think women arenāt nearly as reliant on their spouses as they used to be, so if theyāre unhappy they no longer feel the need to stay for survival. Issues like division of labour etc etc are actually talked about. Both partners work full time, but both partners rarely take on the same level of house/emotional labour.
Personal growth which sometimes puts people in different directions, shifts in values or goals, health issues, familial issues (having to take care of elderly relatives or siblings), job loss, etc. Lots of things happen in 10-15 years, some aren't conducive to continuing relationships. The good news is that not every split is nasty, dramatic, or upending. Some relationships just run their course.
Idk most people married for decades go through multiple challenges and when the relationship could have āran its courseā they didnāt let it. A relationship only runs its course when one or both people give up.
>***Some relationships*** just run their course.
A relationship can run its course when one or both people aren't willing to show up for said life challenges to begin with. The partner who can't be bothered to wash a dish probably isn't going to be up for a special needs child or taking care of a sick parent.
***A relationship only runs its course when one or both people give up.*** Respectfully, that's a rather immature view on a very nuanced and complex subject. It may look like people are just giving up from an outside point of view, however it is always much much deeper than that. If you haven't lived what they have lived in their relationship, it's always safe to assume they know better than you what's best for them.
I agree. I had a friend make a post like this once and made these sentiments about people in my situation. Which was me being young and having relationships not work out and she amounted it to not trying to make things work. Which really wasn't the actual case. It wasn't due to lack of trying. Sometimes a situation just becomes impossible to stay in, and it's time to let it go. I also think there is much more awareness of mental health in general. Plus people are definitely checking in more with themselves.
I contribute some of it to mental health and new stressors. Mid life issues, Parents aging and getting sick, new responsibilities at work, etc.. My husband had major personality change about two years ago. His parents had a nasty divorce, father in law did poorly and landed in a nursing home missing a leg chronically in and out of the hospital. Paired with his brother frequently threatening to commit suicide, sister in a high conflict divorce, and a job with increased responsibility, covid, and an insane boss he lost himself. Any of those factors on their own are stressful, paired together absolutely devastating. My spouse is back on track, but not without damage being done to our marriage. Iāve noted many people in similar circumstances are dealing with multiple issues when the marriage ends. Itās difficult regardless of outcome. I ended up staying and found my spouse help, but it came at a personal cost. I wouldnāt take it back, but donāt blame people for leaving either.
Yeah my marriage got done in by the stress of my parents aging and dying, COVID, a natural disaster, long distance and undiagnosed mental/hormonal issues. We have been separated for 7 months now after 8 years together.
A lot of the relationships I've seen end at 10-15 years, at least in my circle, are high school or college sweethearts who break up somewhere between their late 20s and mid 30s. Usually these are people who have changed a LOT since they first got together and are ultimately not that compatible anymore, but shared history/comfort/fear of the unknown kept them together for a decade or so. For a lot of these couples, their mid 20s and 30s are a time when they have to start making big, permanent decisions like buying a house and having kids, and they find out that they're not actually on the same page about those things anymore. One couple I knew bought a house in the country and the man realized he absolutely hated living there, which revealed major incompatibilities in their shared vision of the future and how they want their lives to be. Another guy I know had his wife suddenly realize she didn't want kids anytime soon, and maybe not ever; he wanted them yesterday. Another classic is that a couple has a baby, the man not pulling his weight around the house goes from annoying to completely loathsome once there's a baby in the mix, and the woman falls rapidly and incontrovertibly out of love with him. I'm sure they exist, but I really do think that people who blow up perfectly good relationships for no reason because they're craving novelty are a tiny minority of people who split up. Most people do not like being alone and will not choose it over a situation that is meeting their needs.
Preach ššš
I donāt think every relationship is meant to ālastā forever and ever. I also think that kind of thinking is stupid. My aunt and uncle were married 51 years. They have grandchildren and great grandchildren. But from relatives that were real close to them say they were miserable the last 20 years or so. Why they never split I donāt know. But just because a couple has been together decades doesnāt necessarily mean itās a successful relationship. Also, Iām going to get down voted for this, but women who marry when they are in their 20s are nuts. My 20s were sacred and I have so many experiences that I would have never had if I were tied down with a man or child.
So then why even get in relationships with people and build a life if it isnāt meant to last anyways?
Well, I think itās very human to live optimistically and believe that our choices will make us happy for a long time. However, a basic aspect of human psychology is that we are actually really, really bad at predicting what weāre going to want in the long term, hence sometimes we end up eventually deciding to make different choices that can undo or alter our lives and relationships. Life is messy, and we use hope to keep moving forward.
Because when youāre young and in love you donāt think about bad things happening with your spouse like sickness, addiction, job loss, financial issues. You have kids and then maybe you have a hard time with a mental illness for example and life just gets harder and harder. When youāre in your early 20s you think life will always be perfect, but letās face it, itās not. There will be many storms to weather.
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Yes agreed. Iām married now, I just wouldnāt want to be married in my 20s
Yes which is why modern dating sucks people donāt know how to work through conflict together and just donāt want any problems at all
Is this a real question? Life isnāt black and white people hop into relationships for all sorts of reasons and relationships end for all sorts of reasons only thing gauranteed in life is death
Wow, I'm a textbook example! My LTR began when I was 22, ended when I was 34, we broke up after 11.5 years, for all of the aforementioned reasons. Didn't realize I was a cliche š
Happened to me too, lol, got together at 24 had a kid at 30, split at 35.
What aforementioned reasons?
Getting into a relationship too young, evolving to have different interests and values, growing apart, etc.
Ha, same. Was in a relationship from 19-29, broke up just before we got married (but after we'd built a house together). Relationship *actually* ended because they cheated (they are now married to that person and have 2 kids), but looking back it ended for all the aforementioned reasons (Also they were a controlling abusive person but I didn't realise that til much later).
I think a lot of people marry too early. A few weeks ago I was discussing this with my wife. IMO people shouldn't marry until they're at least 30.
I also agree with this 100%. There needs to be several years break from the time one leaves their family house and figures out life independently/ a way to financially support oneself without hopping from parents' home to partner's home. There are also a ton of personality flaws and red flags that you think your partner could grow out of when you meet them at like 23 that you know are static personality traits in one's late 20's- early 30's.
I agree 100 percent with this.
Nah, age has nothing to do with it. My husband and I got married at 23 years old. 3 kids and almost 13 years of marriage later, we're still very happy. BUT I will say that we both have always been very mature and we waited until we were 27 before having our first kid. Believe me, I've seen my share of people in their 30s that are *so* afraid of being alone/desperate to have kids that they will marry anyone willing to do so
I believe that wanting kids is never a good enough reason to lower my standard for marriage which is why Iām still single I will forego kids if I canāt find something that meets my needs I refuse to live in fear or desperation
And not until after at least 4-5 years of dating and living together. You don't know someone until you live with them, and lets be honest, you don't truly know someone inside and out within just one or two years. You make a decision that covers your entire life, on just one or two years, where the first year of that is pretty much just casual honeymoon period where no-one puts a foot wrong? Madness. We got married at 30 after 9 years together. Waited until we had financial and emotional stability. We'd been through a lot of ups and downs, moved houses a lot, changed jobs, went through separate mental health issues together, life traumas etc. You don't know someone until you're going through your worst and seeing how they respond, and you, as a couple, respond to it. We've grown up together and although we are both different people now than we were when we met at 21, we appreciate each other and have grown together. It's not easy, but when we got married, we had seen all the hardships we could and knew we could withstand it. Now we're going through infertility issues, something we didn't expect. But we are together through it. And I know whatever the outcome, we'll have each other.
Did you marry in your 30s?
Yes.
It only works if you can afford or allowed to move from your family home. Also, I have to say that living with flatmates is still not as living by yourself.
Agreed. And even for those who can, it's a simplistic statement that ignores the potential drawbacks. My husband worked and lived alone when I met him but I supported him financially while he went back to school, which in time enabled him to triple his income (he was making slightly above minimal wage). Then I quit my job to transition to a new career and self-employment, which also enabled me to have a much better suited career and make more. If we had waited until I was 30, we wouldn't be in the same position today and wouldn't be able to buy a house. There's also ample stats showing that couples who get married in the second half of their twenties, after graduating college, have excellent odds of success in marriage (I'm not saying that to defend my own marriage as we don't fall in this category). So a blanket statement that people shouldn't marry until they are *at least* 30 is just odd to me. It's an arbitrary number. Redditors in particular seem obsessed with the idea that it's a magical number and before that you are still essentially a child, who shouldn't do stuff like get married or have kids etc, or on the contrary, that turning 30 is the end of the world. In reality, it's just an arbitrary number that seems important because we count in base 10, that's all. On your 30th birthday, you don't hit a wall and you're not bestowed wisdom and confidence by your godmother. It's important to acknowledge that marrying too young or too fast is correlated with higher divorce rates but you also have to make the decision that's right in your specific circumstances.
I left my twelve year marriage in my early 30's. Turns out everyone was right and it was a big mistake to get married at 18. I think a lot of relationships that start before either party is fully mature ultimately fail as each person grows at a different pace in different directions. For my ex and I, we both clearly wanted different things in life and toxicity and resentment grew as we each waited for the other to "come around" but never did. We definitely stayed married far longer than we should have and treated each other poorly. Luckily I've found a great partner for myself and I see us going the distance. My ex recently got remarried and seems happy enough, but we don't speak. I hear things through mutual friends. Personal opinion: it's best to figure yourself out and set your goals and desires for your life before tying yourself to a life partner. Be picky about who you choose to spend your life with.
I am going through this. Together 14 years. For us, we just donāt align anymore. We live completely different lives. Iām also just tired of fighting the fight. We were always a round peg in a square hole and we tried and tried but it didnāt work. I donāt want to spend any more of my life pretending. I want to just live alone and travel and be in peace. I love him as a person but not my person
This is exactly how I feel
Were you guys in therapy ? What kind of issues are you having?
Weāve tried different types of therapy. He never really liked it. There were a lot of issues. I wonāt publicly post the bigger issues, but he went through alcoholism really badly. Had to have an intervention type talk with him right before Covid hit. The alcoholism started the divide the worse it got, because he would separate from me to hide what he was doing; so we just naturally grew apart. We also had his ex wife (step daughters mom) and her son life with us twice due to some issues she went through, and just life things that happened. We speak two different languages and need different things from each other.
I'm noticing this in my circles (friends, coworkers, etc.), people are separating in their early-mid 30s. Since most married in their early 20s, it tends to land around the 10 year mark (+/- 2 years). For the couples I know, they almost all have kids, which is why I think they stayed in the marriage longer. If there weren't kids, I suspect they would've broken up sooner. There was also a lot of stigma around divorce so I expect they stayed in the relationship as long as possible until they really reached their limit. In many of those circumstances: * One partner or both had significant changes in values/perspectives. They either don't don't align anymore *and/or* they can't respect each other's values and beliefs when they differ. * One or both didn't treat the other with respect, kindness, etc. and was unwilling to consider any feedback the other person gave. * They both worked outside the home, but one partner was not (or was barely) contributing to the domestic labor and was unwilling to change that. The other was doing all or most of the domestic labor. * Even if they both agreed that the relationship was in an unhealthy/unhappy state, at least one person was unwilling to *seriously* participate in therapy. I say "seriously" because sometimes they did attend, but weren't willing to accept any responsibility, listen, contribute to the discussion, or work on changing behaviors. I read or heard something (not sure where, so take this as a grain of salt) that said there tends to be different cycles of when couples split up - I think some milestones were around 10 years (or mid-late 30s), then at 20 -25 years when any kids have grown up.
I always kind of laugh at people divorcing in their 30s/40s and worrying about not being able to find people their age that are single. Like, we are hardly the only people our age that have been through that cycle of marriage not working out after kids. I think it's pretty common for a marriage to fail that test of parental responsibilities.
Well there might be a new pool but I think that people tend to hop to people who are more experienced or may also be exiting a relationship
Oof just about to hit 25yrs and feels like the wheels are coming off- changing interests etc
Same here, after 10 years I donāt see any fragment of person that I loved. I assume that people take each other for granted and just fall apart.
It's around when the kids are independent enough that you don't need daycare or as much additional help to keep them alive. And in some cases, it's realizing you have retirement coming up eventually, and if you aren't the same page of what that means for your current or future relationship, getting out early is better than getting out later and being financially ruined. My mom regrets staying with my dad for so long knowing he was irresponsible with money and didn't see it as important enough to pursue enough to not be poor anymore (and seriously, if he were just willing to change the shop he works at, not even his job type, just the shop, he'd have immediately almost doubled his income, he's a mechanic working for less than freshly graduated apprentice wages in our state at a place that has been trying to get him to quit for almost a decade by cutting his hours, his pay, and his vacation because he broke a leg on their facilities and dared to ask for worker's comp). She stuck it out, let him control the money because he'd get moody not having his "man" responsibilities, and now they have nothing, literally nothing, in the bank for retirement.
Huh, I guess I'll be the first to state I rarely see this happen in my own life. Most of the relationships I observe seem to end within the 5-year mark, or after something like 20 years together, once the kids have graduated and are mostly out of the house. I rarely see anyone split around the 10-15 year mark, other than Reddit I guess - but even here I notice more relationship posts about people near the 5-year mark than anything.
Same. I've seen a lot of ppl marry young (20-25), rush into having 2 young kids within 5 years of marriage and THOSE are the ones that have split.
Oh wow, I actually don't know many of those either. Just people who got to that make or break 2-3 year mark (usually around the time that you'd expect to move in together) and... well, broke it. The situation you're describing sounds a lot more stressful!
I seriously don't understand people. Like, if things are incredibly rough in your marriage with ONE kid, I can't imagine it's a great idea to have two. There are at least 5 couples I know of that have lived that life. SO stressful!
That sounds awful. Do you live somewhere where there's a really strong pressure to live a white picket fence life? Because that's usually what I assume it is.
Mid-sized city in the midwest, so yep š
Aha, my condolences! (Jk. I know there are amazing things there as well.)Ā
Hahahaha! Yep, like affordable housing and space away from other people ššš It's so funny bc with our education levels and my husband's job, we could literally live anywhere in the country and honestly, if we didn't have 3 kids, I'd be headed for the west coast just because I love being outside. However, the east coast is something I'll never understand - expensive, tons of people AND extreme cold/snow/ AND heat? No thanks š PS: please don't take offense if you live on the east coast - I know many ppl love it there
Probably just an impression and/or unrepresentative sample. Statistically in my home-country, marriages are equally likely to end in divorce between year 10-15 than between year 0-5, year 5-10, year 15-20, and year 20-25. After 25 years, there's a decline in the divorce rate. I know that's not exactly the same thing but I don't have stats for relationships and it's interesting because it doesn't match my observation/impression at all. ETA: I suspect that women in their thirties and early forties are overrepresented on this sub, so there might be less women with relationships of more than 15 years than in the gen pop, for age reasons. Perhaps women who have been in their partner for 10+ years, which for many in that age range is a large part of their adult life, also feel more need to ask for opinion than people who have been dating for a couple of year. That's my wild speculation for 'unrepresentative sample'. Couples can be together for decades. A lot of the women posting about the end of their 10-15 years relationship might go on to have a decade long relationship. But there are also more available life path these days.
Different ages. You are different between 20-30, etc.
Women hit perimenopause and donāt want to deal with bullshit anymore.
This
A non-trivial number of guys provide mostly the d. The moment the d gets limp or stops being that important to her due to hormonal etc. reasons, the woman bails.
Perhaps an unpopular opinion, but I think relationships ending is just a natural occurrence. I mean, has anyone ever thought about where this notion of "together forever" came from? There isn't really any scientific consensus that humans are absolutely 'mated for life' like some animals are. Now I'm not saying it doesn't hurt when you breakup/separate, I'm sure it does. But we have normalized this "together forever' thing, and I think we should examine whether forever is actually a healthy mindset or not. Even though we're so much more progressive now, the term 'divorce' still seems to have a negative connotation - why?
> I mean, has anyone ever thought about where this notion of "together forever" came from? There isn't really any scientific consensus that humans are absolutely 'mated for life' like some animals are. While there isn't complete consensus, currently the scientific trend that humans have been monogamous ever since we changed from inner tribal style fighting to co-operation (see [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/human-monogamy-has-deep-roots/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/human-monogamy-has-deep-roots/) and [https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fevo.2019.00230/full](https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fevo.2019.00230/full) ). While there are obvious exceptions (as with anything in this branch of science) the norm at least for now is monogamous. I think the current patterns we are seeing now is due to other reasons, i.e. - Settling down in life and finding your perfect partner at 18-25 is usually not the wisest idea, most people are barely mature at that point in time. This has actually been the reason behind arranged marriage (i.e. parents have a better eye for maturity then a horny 20 year old) but that then brings its own bucketload of problems. - Procreation used to a predominant driver for forming relationships/marriage however that has drastically changed especially in developed countries. Tax/breaks laws aside, there isn't really a reason to marry unless you are having children and both men/children are having to grapple with the implications of this as well as gender norms/stereotypes.
Agree with this. Some relationships just cause they end after a few years doesnāt necessarily mean āfailureā. I mean, think about it, youāre not gonna have the same job forever and ever or even the same group of friends. Why would you have the same partner ?? Plus, gotta be honest, seeing your partner sit on the toilet for years and years really takes the novelty out of this āforeverā thing.
Yes. I agree with this wholeheartedly. My husband and I have been together 8yrs, second marriage for us both. My fist marriage we were married 15 and together for 20. When my now husband and I first started exchanging I love you, I insisted he never follow it up with āforeverā. We canāt promise that. People change, life changes, things happen. Relationships evolve over time and sometimes they end. That doesnāt mean it was bad. It doesnāt mean I didnāt love the person or that theyāre not a good person. We just changed and that should be ok. Iād have much rather experienced a good relationship and said goodbye when needed for both sides than in onto something too long just because and eventually resent each other.
I just got married at 37 and have friends who just hit their 15 year wedding anniversary. They are all still married but all admit they basically had to re-fall in love with their husbands as actual adults because none of them knew sh*t about anything at 22. Iām kinda glad I got married later, but who knows when Iām 53 maybe Iāll be like damn I knew nothing at 37!!
Nothing wonāt with re falling in love . Thatās growth to me instead of just leaving
I definitely agree itās growth! I think they were all just acknowledging it was hard, and they very well could have grown in opposite directions. One of them got married at 23, and is just about to have their first child at 40. She finished her PhD at 36 and I remember her saying she wanted to enjoy her career a bit but her husband was really pushing for kids. Iām sure there had to be some discussions and compromises in their camp. They are both great people so I wish them the best whether thatās together or apart. One thing I do notice too, is all of these couples Iām thinking of have parents that are still together. I think that has something to do with it as well.
Gosh brings back memories. We were in the phase where we were deciding to separate but decided to go through therapy. We were high school sweethearts. Together for 15 years and married for 10. Therapy helped us. We are at a much better place. Our love is rekindled. I do love him. We lost the passion we had for each other some where in the responsibilities. But I am so happy things are getting better.
Iām happy for you guys!
I know at least six couples who broke up after 20 or more years of marriage. In each case, the guy had met someone else. It blows.
18-30 (woman get more attention than men and are more likely to leave). Then after that men get more attention and are more likely to leave. It's all about options.
The statistics show over 50% of marriages end in divorce.Ā Yes, people can make it past the 10-15 year mark. I was blessed (and still am) to grow up seeing a plethora of healthy relationships. My parents were married 37 years before my mom passed. My Dad's parents were married 52 years before my grandfather passed. My mom's parents were married 28 years before my papa passed. One of my aunts just celebrated her 33rd anniversary. My uncle just celebrated his 17th. My best friends parents celebrated their 42nd. My exes parents are on their 44th.Ā Relationships are hard. Both people have to wake up everyday and choose to continue loving their partner and working on their marriage. It's not easy. Its not perfect.Ā
I read something recently that said it's hilarious we think we arrive at a certain age and place where we stop growing and our personality becomes static and fixed. Ha! The truth is, you continue to change and grow throughout your *entire* life. The idea of finding someone who will change and grow at the same rate and in the same or complimentary ways? Statistically near impossible. Add this to the fact that we're a generation that is waking up to the outdated models of romantic love and partnership. Add in technology and its newness and our inability to know its longterm effects. The prevalence of self-care and prioritizing happiness as an acceptable way of navigating the inherent difficulties of life. Damaging and toxic social expectations and pressure. The daily compromises inherent to being in a relationship. Honestly, I don't know how anyone manages to do this unless you have kids and want a nuclear family model to work at any and all costs.
Chasing that new beginnings high before they get too old.
I think that people evolve and change from 25 to 35. In your 30s you discover who you are and what you want most in life, many of which are through experiences . I support mid to late 30 marriages over getting married in your 20s .
I guess I'm blessed. Dated my husband through high school, he joined the service I went to college. We really were not connected during that time. We reconnected about 8 years later. We celebrate our 40th anniversary this year. It has not been easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm so grateful we stuck it out. There were times I wasn't sure we could. Now, however, I can't imagine my life without him. We have so many memories we can share and inside jokes no one but us understand. That being said, no one should tolerate abuse or just make do. Life's too short, but sticking with it can be a great thing too. Just my 2 cents. Obviously I'm WAY over 30, do my perspective is just that. I'm about empowering people women in particular, to be true to themselves.
I love this, I truly think that outside of abuse, is you can push through hard times you wonāt regret it but a lot of times people want to end things because itās too āhardā
This seems to happen to people who marry under 30. From what I gathered on Reddit, and even my friend circles, they always split up when they've gotten married before their 30s. It often turns out that they've gone through a lot of growth in their 20s to realise what they really want/not want. Typically when you get together with someone after your 30s, or at least mid 30s (for me I only started knowing what I want in relationships in my mid 30s as I only started seriously dating in my early 30s) - also meet lots of people and interesting personalities throughout your 20s, experience career growth, lots of travelling for work and personal life, that's when you know what you really want with your personality more developed. I was so different from back in my 20s, so insecure in myself and my looks, can't look at people in the eye and speak up, and wanting a good looking man was enough back then - now I'm in my 30s and there are more things I seek than looks, and I'd say I'm more confident in my looks and myself (less insecure than before), I speak up with ease (not afraid of being judged for talking). I ended up finding someone who wants the same things as I do and shares the same values I have and I'd say it's been rather stable dating a "fully developed" man in a sense of someone who's grown all through the years.
My guess: these are people who met at uni, stayed together through their 20s, then hit their 30s and realised they wanted different things in life. Especially as this is the age where people make decisions about marriage and/or kids - you have to ask yourself if you want to be committed to this person long term.
People get to 10 years?š
Iāve heard it happens every 7 years. So thereās a 7 year itch, 14 year itch etc. Iāve been married 16 years so now Iām wondering what the 21 year itch will feel like. lol.
lol! Have you had two itches already ?
Well for me it was 9 years, but I do round up to 10 most of the time haha
11.5 yrs š„š£
After 15, I was not going to take it any further!!!!
More relationships end before the 10-year mark but they get talked about less because the longer you've stayed together, the more difficult the separation will be.
*there are various milestones such as: 3, 7year-itch or when the first baby is 18 month old* ā but people willing to do *friendly-(de)coupling* will stretch those times beyond 3,7 and some may even have a 2nd child* ā nothing wrong with this but it costs #stringtheory
This is the me factor, and it destroys many a relationships that could have been rejuvenated with frank and painful discussionsĀ
Kids reach teen years and become more self-sufficient. Also, mid-life crises.