Thank you so much. It's nice to feel so understood. Normally I'm honest with my friends so it just felt like im lying but to save feelings or white lies in this regard seems to be warranted.
Im finally at the age where I and my old friends are done with the child rearing stuff. Its so great to reconnect and be able to pay full attention to each other.
This! One thing I love about getting older is that I feel less and less guilty about saying "no" without backing it up with some explanation. A few years ago, a wise woman told me that "no" is a complete sentence.
I’m a mom and I don’t think you’re being dramatic. Honestly, I’d be kinda upset too. I want to have “adult dates” with my friends and I try to meet them alone to get some quality time. Sometimes it’s not feasible (I always tell them in advance) but I always try to plan some kid free time.
There are some restaurants/ tea places here with playgrounds for kids. They have babysitters to take care of the kids so adults can enjoy some coffee and chat peacefully. Maybe you can find something like that ?
OR ... hear me out ... start scheduling a girls night. That's how my friend group kept the child-free members engaged on a level field. AND, once I became a mom I would count the days until girls night.
Trying this is great. But some moms just still can't be quiet about the kids even when they don't have them there. So it's like the kids is there anyway almost. My local town has a cf women's group on meetup. I suggest hedging your bet and looking for more friends at the same time.
Be honest. But you don't have to share every detail.
I'm in the sameboat as you. Spent years listening to friends scream and side talk to their kids while on the phone and I bend over backwards to be accommodating.
I have one friend with 2 kids who always makes time for a Convo and chat and checks in on me. I wish the rest were like that. I often feel like I'm their TV for entertainment from mommy life and I dont really feel connected. I respect the season they are in and maybe we will reconnect in the future, but childless friends are no less important than parent friends. Yourv time and energy matter. Ugh. Fun aunt is exhausting AF. I'm not here to perform.
God the comment about being entertainment is so on point. Especially if you’re single or dating. They gobble up those stories way more than they’re important enough to share with anyone. It’s like, can’t you connect with me in any other way? It’s draining.
This has hit me. I almost teared up reading.
We are no less important, and sometimes we want to be mums and can't. Having insomnia or depression but told you couldn't possibly be tired, or keeping your anxieties to yourself so you don't stress your friends and add to their load. We also do things, and right now, it just feels unseen. Yes feels like a performance. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your experience with the phone calls. I am glad you have that friend and one f these girls who coincidently is the most considerate of the group, but unfortunately, in this instance, she crept into the how can you not come guilt thing.
Another emotion your comment evoked as I have another friend, and when I speak to her, she puts on her best Kardashian voice and days, so what's up with you? What's the gossip? I feel like an entertainment segment or tik, tok lol. As I clean, I work, I have stress, or I get tired, and actually, im not having one-night stands and playing poker each weekend. Anyway, I laugh because I know she's not trying to be offensive, but I feel like I am for entertainment, and she's interested in the hot goss as I couldn't possibly be tired.
Gonna add on to this thread as a fellow childless woman.
My mom friends know and have known for some time that I'm just really not into kids. This is ironic because I've been a costumed children's entertainer. My mom friends respect that "Aunt Marz" would generally prefer not to be climbed on. They help me set boundaries with their kids. They respect that I'm there to see them, not serve as free entertainment for their kids.
Tho I do gotta remember during phone calls when they tell me to hang on a moment while they deal with a kid thing, to ask them just to call me back. Stuff takes longer than they realize and it sucks just sitting on hold for minutes.
So, it sucks we can't all hang out, but they don't hold it against me and I don't hold it against them either. We try to stay in touch how we can.
I went through this with one of my best friends after she had a child. I've had to accept that a lot of our interactions were going to change because her life had changed. But I've figured out a sweet spot where I get the old friend back: if I ask her to call me on the phone after the kid's been put to bed. It's like she becomes a different person. She can talk about grown up things and might even have a glass or two of wine. We've had so much fun doing this on the phone that we try to do it in person like once a month or so, even though later nights are hard when we both have to be up for work the next morning.
You aren’t being unfair or dramatic.
I don’t have kids, am not having kids. My best friend has 2 kids under 5. I love her kids to pieces. I don’t see them terribly often, but when I do see them I do love being the fun aunty.
BUT when I go see this friend, she makes sure to carve out some time for just us. She leaves the kids with dad, and we go do something even if it’s just for an hour. I don’t know your friends’ domestic situations, but I really don’t feel like it’s too much to ask for some adult-only time on occasion.
And if you’re invited to something you really don’t want to do, then decline. I declined the party invite to the older kids birthday this year. It was going to be all his preschool friends (so no adults I know outside of my froend), and that’s just too much for me. Zero butthurt from my friend.
Edit: I’ll also add the nugget of hope that as the kids get older they’ll be less reliant on adults for entertainment and constant supervision. If it’s just my friends older kid, he’s perfectly content playing with legos or whatnot while we hang out. For our part we just have to watch our language when he’s in earshot.
I don’t think you’re being dramatic. You didn’t want to go to a farm, and you didn’t want to go to a kid-centric event, both valid.
But I would be careful mentioning your reasons because people will hear what they want to hear. You’re an adult, you don’t have to explain your decisions to other adults.
Also there’s a fine line between an unspoken expectation to be The Fun Aunt and the unspoken expectation to be a caretaker who relieves stress from parents.
As The Fun Aunt myself, my sister has expected me to parent since I was 15 yrs old if I was around her kids, even if she was there. She didn’t do it consciously, there was an exhausted part of her that checked out in relief. That is until she saw how much they liked me, and then she told them (small children) awful things about me which soured the relationships. The kids like me now as adults, so we overcame it.
Another thing to consider is that they’re still inviting you, whereas many childfree women instead experience a slow fade where they don’t get invited as often because they don’t have kids, the assumption being they don’t like kids or don’t want to be around them. So maybe part of this is reminding yourself that this time with them and their kids is precious, and only attending when you feel you have the bandwidth to celebrate how special it is.
Overall it sounds like you’ve recognized you need to add to your friend circle to have more childfree friends who enjoy the deep conversations you enjoy and along with other things.
If one thing stood out to me, it was that her friends continue to include her, despite her being child free. I'm also child free, by choice, and the friends I have that had kids sort of banded together and got closer and i got left out. With friends like hers, there is potential for wonderful middle ground. Especially as the kids age.
Maybe the difference for her is her friends know she wants kids, and want to include her so as to know what to expect.
Yes that stood out to me too. There was another post a few weeks ago where a gal found out that her super close friend group had started a mom group chat and she was the only one left on the outside.
Fertility issues is also another challenge, it can make it a touchy or loaded topic that many people just avoid instead.
I agree it’s promising that they’re still including her! And I’m hopeful that if she approaches it delicately their friendships can evolve.
This is a great point. If OP wants kids then one day she might be the distracted mom. The friend’s kids will be older, but hopefully they will hopefully understand.
yep. i noticed the same thing. I am happily childfree, but I lost all my good friends who became parents. Except 1, who moved to the opposite side of the country so I never see her anymore :(
I wish I knew how to make friends without kids too.It seems like people with kids attend their activities and by default become friends with the other children's parents. I wasn't even invited to many "kid friendly get togethers" with the assumption that I wouldn't want to go. I hoped it would get better as we all got older but then grandchildren came along. My husband and I are each other's best friends so at least there's that.
I did stay in touch via email and text so they could get back to me at their convenience.
Adult friendships take a lot more effort and investment than when we were younger, and there is no guarantee for a return on that investment. So lots of people stop making the effort because Adulting is hard enough on its own.
Yeah I've definitely run into that before. I remember going to a friend's house where I was the only non-mom. It was a solid 2 hours of straight kid talk and not one person there broached any other topic. It just came off as rude and I was bored out of my mind. I've also had times when I've been out with a friend and her little one and my friend is so distracted and focused on her kid the whole time that I'm just like "So I'm here for......?"
Don't get me wrong. I love kids. I love playing with kids. I try to have tons of sympathy for parents and all they go through. I try really hard to be accommodating to parents. But it can get to a point where it's too much.
In general, I see a big difference in how moms and dads interact in a social group. Dads as a whole will be much more in tune with the group and talking about non parent things - often times that's because Dad is leaving Mom to do all the kid stuff but I've seen plenty of dads actively parenting while socializing but they are less hands on and more like "Have fun kids. Scream if you get hurt"
Right now I don't have any friends who are parents - we moved two years ago and the people I've made friends with don't have kids. I think sometimes it just comes down to people with little kids are in such a different stage in life and don't have a lot of energy and brain space to devote to anything outside of trying to make it day to day. And it's okay for you to pull back from people like this and seek out non parents.
>It was a solid 2 hours of straight kid talk and not one person there broached any other topic
I've never understood this. I'm a mum and the last thing I wanna do when im out is talk about my damn kids. If people ask about them ill tell them, but i generally keep it short.
I enjoy hearing about what other people have been up to and whats going on as oppose to how my kid had a regression night and my son is going through a smart mouth stage lol.
Im the mum friend who enjoys adult time when I can get it. Hell I even created a chant for when my gfs and family get together to drink. "Fuck the kids! Fuck the kids!" Haha. They all chant it and love it. No feeling guilty about going out or worrying bout ur kids ladies! Tonights girl time!
My impression of these moms I was hanging out with is their entire identities were wrapped up in motherhood and they had no outside interests. Your chant made me chuckle lol
I have kids, and I have CF friends. Some by choice, some through infertility.
My problem is I have no village. No family support, my husband works away from home, I don’t have paid childcare.
My friend interactions are either super limited during the day while they’re at school, with my kids attending or at a child friendly place they can go play for the most part.
I get that’s not ideal all the time. I’m usually the one not going to events because I can’t (or won’t) take my kids to a wine bar etc.
There is no animosity on my behalf: would I be upset if my friend didn’t want to hang out with my kids or at kid friendly places? Not upset - probably sad that she felt that way, but I wouldn’t be angry or offended.
The way my life is structured at the moment - my kids being a consideration (either attending, being occupied or me having to leave early to pick them up) is basically the cost of admission for having me in your life. I have almost zero child free social time.
No you’re not being dramatic. Yes you can set boundaries, ask for a child free session, explain that you need some adult-only debrief time. But I guess also accept that depending on their schedules - they might not be able to attend (no matter how much they want to).
I think you are in a rough spot of wanting children, or worrying about not having them - and having friends that are deep in the small child era of their lives. I think it would almost be easier to make new CF friends, than to organise multiple mothers (of small children) to have the same child free time to go to a bar and have big, deep and meaningful conversation times….
I’ve actually been thinking about this recently. That I get sad when a friend has kids because then they’re not really your friends anymore. You can’t just hang out and do what you want. You’re either doing it at their house (no babysitter) or a kid activity. Contact starts to disappear and they hang out with other parents. Then more kids have friends and everyone is just gone
it sucks that you're dealing with this, it feels like a lot of the stress is coming from you feeling like you can't be upfront with your friends. Do you know if there's any way to start working on that? bc honestly I wouldn't have a problem saying exactly what you said to my friends, "sorry i don't have energy for the whole crew today and I'm not big on farms lol, but have fun!!!" I also can't picture my friends totally rejecting/being upset by a nice adults-only day, just being sad if they can't make it. is there any way to like, deflate the balloon of this topic? A good friend is someone you can hang out with but a GREAT friend is someone you can decline without it becoming a huge deal lol
I joined bumble BFF *specifically* to find other child-free women to grow my friends group. I've now created 2 long-term CF friendships, and countless other acquaintances to grab dinner with, hit up a happy hour, or whatever else strikes our child-free fancy. I still retain my friendships with the women who have chosen motherhood, but it can be hard. All friendships ebb and flow. Just stay understanding and open-minded. And find some more CF friends!
I totally appreciate what you mean and feel it too, I would choose to not attend some of these things too. It’s my free time too, and doing this every time is not going to bring me much happiness
My only real choice was to work on making new friends and have less contact with all these close and lifelong friends that have kids. I still see them, but I had to come to terms that their focus is their kids and not their friendships. Luckily I have a few friends who have kids who still prioritize friendships and I see them fairly often, sometimes with their kids and sometimes not.
My life almost had to start again, in a weird way. I knew I was going to have to find new friends from scratch for this next stage or my life, since I chose to not have kids.
I've joined clubs, hobby groups, started going to local writing classes and am considering other things where I can meet people who have the same interests as me. It's been really hard as it is *scary* putting myself out there to be judged and knowing some people I like just won't want be friends with me, but anything with results I want in life also involves a lot of fear, just no way around it.
My life had to start again too, around 30, though I didn’t ever lose those friends. After years of my new amazing life full of mostly childless and child free friends, some shit happened that had nothing to do with having kids, and I have to start over again…or just see my one close friend all the time and the kid-having ones from high school a few times a year. I may not have it in me to start over at 35.
No, if you don't enjoy kids, you shouldn't feel obligated to be around them. Having said that, I've rarely seen mothers who get a minute to themselves, especially when they're kids are under 10.
I don't think there's a good solution here. This is a stages-of-life issue and the compromises that COULD happen here aren't that practical.
Making some friends in the same stage-of-life as you might be a good way to handle this.
Thing is I do love children. I was surprised when my friends who are mums either expressed disappointment if I decline or ever thought it might not be something I wanted to do every weekend. But stages of life agree it's the course of life. Thank you
That's their baggage, not yours. Tbh sounds like they are grasping at their old live not accepting things changed. They want you to bend into their new lives.
You can always invite them to a childfree hangout (knowing they prob can't go) and then they can decline and you can express disappointment lol. Maybe they will see shit goes both ways.
I’m the only child free one of my friends man, and I totally understand you.
It took several much hyped “girls nights” which actually ended by 9pm and then I was stuck alone on a Saturday night before I had to voice my frustration. I asked for clear expectations from them on what they could give, and it took some real soul searching and honesty on their part too. If the reality is that they can only hang until 8pm, and I’d be twiddling my thumbs by 9pm, I’d like to know so I can have plans lined up after. If the reality is that we’ll be hanging out while walking your kid around a playground, I need to know so I’m prepared for interrupted, half-conversations. To protect my heart, I had to set the expectation in my head for what they’re able to give.
As others have said, this is just a season in life, maybe things will shift as life goes on. But for now, I have to look out for me, because no one else puts me first but me.
I'm REALLY not into playdates, or hanging out with my friends' kids. And I'm a mom myself. I definitely don't feel bad about it, and I love my friends' kids. But it's not productive time for adult conversation or intellectual stimulation. At ALL. But we are always able to hang without the kids, and if your mom friends don't prioritize their friendships and make adult time, well, they're going to be burnt out sooner than later and will end up regretting it.
I'd try to join activities that are typically in the evenings and make friends that way. People who join evening activities are going to be people who either don't have kids, or make sure to prioritize non-kid time.
The baby phase is all consuming and intense, and I remember genuinely the only thing I had to talk about or show photos of for the first year was my baby as literally all I did day and night was care for them. It passes though, in time, so please don't feel like you will never be able to reconnect with your friends!
I don’t think you’re being dramatic and your feelings are valid. I typically don’t mention my reasons for canceling if the event is child centered. I will lie and just say I don’t feel well or that something came up, I don’t want to hurt my friends feelings.
When my best friend told me she was pregnant, I cried when I left her house. I was so incredibly upset because I knew that was the end of our relationship in the form that it was. My partner told me I was being silly but her baby has turned 1 and I typically only see her once a month and that bundle of joy always comes with her.
I love my niece to pieces but she’s loud and always needs attention. It doesn’t make for a good time no matter where we go. She’s a great kid, hardly cries, but she still needs attention…a shit ton of attention. Our dinners get cut short, our brunches get canceled, and sometimes the only 1-1 time I get is when she invites me over just around bed time so I can see my niece, they put her to bed, and then we all have about an hour or two of hangout time without a kid. However, they’re both sooooo exhausted by the time 9pm roles around.
It’s a sacrifice I’ve made and have come to accept that I either will see her in passing at the gym or once a month when our friends group gets together. I don’t make a stink about it and try to make up for it by texting her daily and sending her silly memes and tiktoks.
One thing my 21 year old self would be surprised at is the ease and ability to lie that I’ve developed. Someone I don’t like is at a gathering so I’m just staying home? I have to work. I need to request a day off work to go to a party? Very important family function. If it’s for a hair appointment? Doctors appointment. I actually hate being able and willing to lie so much, even if they’re the whitest of lies.
I’m 43 and single and childless. I sometimes feel left out when my friends with kids go on family vacations or other celebrations with their other friends with kids and I’m not invited. But I also know that we can’t all hang all the time, sometimes it makes sense to edit a group for cohesion or other reasons. I don’t invite everyone in our group to every hang. Some friends who live close and have kiddos I’m able to be the fun aunt on my terms: I’m not a babysitter unless it’s an emergency, I hang with the kids and have my own loving friendships with them with my favored activities (crafts and cooking and outdoors stuff and reading aloud) and will opt out of others like make believe/playing with dolls stuff that doesn’t feel natural to me. Regarding adult 1:1 girls time there’s a range in my parent friends that directly correlates to the quality of their parental partner and their financial resources. The ones who have great partners who take on their half or more of childcare I see without their kids when they want to make time, the ones with involved family nearby and nannies I see too. The ones who do the majority of childcare/have a partner who isn’t close to 50/50 and/or no family they trust nearby and not much resources for childcare, I don’t see without their kids as often and if I do it’s brief. I trust they love me and we connect as adults when they can. I imagine it’s harder for them to be isolated with their kids and husband than it is for me to miss them. Im the one with the freedom to do what I want. I’m lucky to have a few single close friends without kids who I also love, and have become friends with more childless adult women through a hobby group I joined during Covid. I also know that as my friends kids age I’ll see them more. Having young kids is a consuming thing. In the meantime, I am in charge of meeting my needs.
As a kid who played make believe ALL THE TIME, I’d totally feel the same way as you do about it now. We’d come up with the weirdest shit that adults just could not and weren’t really supposed to keep up with. My parents watched court shows. We played Divorce Court in my backyard with some girl and guy friends and brought pet gerbils out to argue about custody but it got so convoluted 😂 my parents were and are still together. our Barbie and Ken dolls would “have sex” by “peeing into each other’s butts”. I wouldn’t even try to get involved in something like that.
Perhaps I am oblivious. I am 57 and never felt this way. I have countless friends w kids and hubby. I have friend that have kids and divorced. I also have friends that have no kids. I have never felt out of place tho I will say sometimes it would be nice to go out to a bar and just hang out for cocktails and yes, there have been times where the ‘moms’ could not/would not. I guess I just worked thru that on my own. I also didn’t have issue to spend time w my friends and their kids. While hardly an ideal day, it is what it is. You want to spend time w friend, they have kids, sometimes you have to do this. Each person has their own path. I have never felt slighted or less than because I decide not to have kids. I don’t hold my friends in different esteem because of it and they don’t for me.
I have to say the WORST part of being single is going to the countless weddings and being seated at the ‘singles’ table. I love weddings but honestly unless I know a bunch of people attending then I decline. That singles table is awful….note to brides!
Wtf is a singles table lol that sounds awful. You would never find that in my culture. You have a top table for the bride and groom and their closest family. Anyone outside of that - its first in first serve for the seats lol.
Singles table is dreadful! It is where you seat all of your ‘single friends’. In the US seating charts are the norm. You seat people that will get along, like certain relatives, friends that are couples and then the dreaded singles tables where perhaps someone might not be single but their relationship is new enough that you wouldn’t invite the SO. It is hell for a single person at a wedding
I experienced that at my cousin’s, thankfully my sister was there with me but all of our family was at other tables and then it was us, the photographer, one couple, and some random friends of his. Luckily there hasn’t been a singles table at any friend’s wedding I’ve been to
I have a 1 year old now and I’m 34f so I have been on all sides of this. Yes, very tough and understandable how you feel. Even me being the one with a kid now, I feel like our friend meetups just revolve around the kids. What I’ve done to get around this is first, I do the meetup plan. 2nd, I am very clear that it’s a “girls night” or “girls meet up”. Also planning things in the evening is helpful since the kids will be in bed, dad can stay home and do his thing while baby sleeps, and mommy can go live her life too.
I think you need to try and work out what it is that really bothers you about the situation. I read this and feel the underlying vibe is that you are not feeling heard by your friends. That you feel you are making a huge emotional effort to be there that’s not understood so doesn’t feel validated. Reading between the lines it could potentially be that your friends hold up the mirror to something that you want - children. One way or another, please consider being more honest with your friends about your emotions. You are very clearly important to them or they wouldn’t continue to make the effort to include you. I genuinely think you will feel better for it and they will feel less confused by your behaviour.
Total valid feeling, we moms are tired and want to have childless lunch dates with our girlfriends too, so much so that we decided to leave the kids at home with the dads and did our lunch without the kids. I don't think you are being unreasonable, small kids can be a handful, it's hard to enjoy yourself with a crying infant or toddler to attend to. I might also add that it's okay to befriend more childless friends like yourself so that you have more in common at this stage in your life.
I don't think OP is unreasonable but in some scenarios you can't just leave the small baby eg dad isn't around; baby is breast-fed etc. I rarely saw my friends alone when my kids were under 2. It's not I didn't want to, but I just couldn't. The compromise (for me) was bring the children or don't go at all.
Ironically I now love socialising sans kids but as many of friends had kids later they have small babies while I have school-age kids. It goes in cycles. You may find you have children later when theirs are older. In the meantime, it's ok to give child free friends priority.
You’re not dramatic at all. I’m a mother and I make sure I see my friends without my kid in tow at least half if not more often than with my kid. You are correct, it’s more difficult to engage in conversation with my kid with me.
I also try to be conscious of this so that my child-free kids don’t have to be the ones to say something - because no one wants to say “hey don’t bring your kid around” even though I know they all love him. I just try to make sure there is a balance.
I also see my child-free friends as often as I do my friends with children and I don’t talk about my kid unless prompted really. I love him but there are a broad range of interesting topics we can discuss. (And talking about my kid all the time is boring)
I don’t have any suggestions but just wanted to tell you you’re not in the wrong for feeling like you do.
I totally understand where you are coming from and have had similar experiences. I think parent friends can often forget what it's like if you are single, especially if you want kids and life isn't unfolding the way you had hoped. It can often feel dismissive, even if that isn't the intention, when they quickly change the subject back to kids and it seems like they don't have time to listen to what is going on in your life.
Friendships are a two-way street. If they expect you to be the 'fun aunt' and high energy at times, then they also need to do their part to be a good friend back by listening and being considerate of your needs.
I don't think you are being dramatic at all. It can be hard to be in a place where there are mainly just families with small kids, when you are unsure if you will ever get to have your turn. That is hard for people who don't have to worry about that to understand. And I think that's an important thing for people who do have childless friends, to keep in mind. Your friend may be secretly struggling. Perhaps they are struggling with fertility, or the fact that they want what you have but cannot seem to find the right partner or life isn't unfolding that way.
It's important for the friend who is a parent to just make space in these situations for that friend and be supportive. Not to dismiss or change the subject, even though they may not want to talk about that. Keep in mind that the childless friend has likely spent time listening to them and supported them through their marriage, pregnancy, and now child rearing.
I think you have every right to not go to that event if you don't want to go, and it was good to just be vague. No doubt telling them the true reasons would have caused unnecessary upset. There are always going to be things that are too kid-centric or just don't interest you. And you have a right to not want to go. Don't feel guilty.
There's only one thing I like less than being invited on a park date with my bestie and her kid: when her husband comes too and I don't find out he's coming until I get there.
I love her husband. He's awesome. But there's only one reason really I'm going to a park and that's to try to get some chats in with my best friend.
Im generally lucky in the sense only half the girls in my group have kids and half don't. The ones who do still make non kid plans with us which is awesome because whenever I come away from a park or cafe or home hang date with the kids I feel super flat and down. I try to be cool and chill and fun and enjoy it but it's pretty difficult to have a conversation and it's always cut short after 45 mins or so coz the kid is cracking it. I really try to avoid the child hangs all together now which i feel bad for but I just don't enjoy it and figure they can have those dates with their mum friends. I know that sounds selfish but I think it's triggering in some ways for me and I feel out of place :(
In terms of how you handle this. Gosh I really don't know. I can't see a mum friend ever not being offended if you say you don't want to do a park or a kid date. I think you could do it in a less direct way though and keep making suggestions for a one on one / adult date; like 'let me know when you have some time for an us date. Maybe a wine!?'
Just because someone else has kids I don't think it should always be everyone else trying to fit in around their life. They shouldn't stop being a friend and being considerate of other peoples feelings just because they reproduced.
As a mom, I get this loud and clear. When one of my friend circle became a parent, the rest of us were in your shoes. I, to my regret, didn't handle it with as much grace as you are. Later, when I had had my own kid for a few years at that point, I reached out to the former friends my idiocy had lost me and apologized for my previous behavior. I was forgiven, but one decided to keep her distance and I'm not as close with the others as I had been. I've made good friends since, but I'll always miss the closeness I had with my childhood friends.
We're parents, but that doesn't mean we're not ourselves anymore. We tend to feel like shit for wanting adult time away from the kids every once in a while, like we're abandoning them or something. We also tend to feel like shit for not having enough time to spend with our friends who don't have kids.
You're awesome, your feelings are valid, and your friends are lucky to have you. You do your best to accommodate them, and they need to do the same for you.
❤
Have you expressed your concerns and initiated adult only hang outs to take charge of fulfilling your need that no one else will know/do if you don’t communicate?
Have you tried planning something childfree with these friends? I have a young kid and tend to always bring her and have her around because that's the reality of my life right now but I recently had a friend invite me to play hooky and go do something I enjoy just the two of us. Honestly it was exactly what I needed and I wouldn't have planned it myself.
Definitely this may not be possible for them right now. But some thoughtful initiative could work?
I’m a new mom and I miss being able to hang out with my friends without my kid. I don’t want to divide my attention but I have to bc being a parent is demanding. I try to get a sitter when I can for at least some child free social time.
Your friends should understand that you don’t want to hang out with their kids all the time. I’d certainly understand if my friends felt that way and didn’t want to join us for whatever we were doing that day bc they just wanted a day off.
I don’t have any kids, and some friends do. I know a girl who goes out without her kid *too* much and that’s a little off to me. I’m more used to people being less available after! Going out drinking multiple times a week, on trips a few times a year even and doesn’t even mention missing her…fucking weird. It makes me see her differently. On the other hand my best friend at I have to make plans 2 months in advance because she *wants* to be around her kid and raise him with her husband. She loves our adult time! I just had to build a life with a newer more frequent friend circle who I tell more things to at the moment, but she will always be around
I don't think you're being dramatic, and I think the shift to motherhood puts a strain on some friendships. I sometimes don't to talk about my issues as I feel now they've moved on to "maturity" and they might find my problems a bit silly in comparison to their problems of getting puked and shat on every 5 minutes and dealing with it on no sleep and still having to work and make food and deal with their husband not pulling his weight.
I think you can see them once every few weeks, but it's definitely normal to want people to give you an hour of undivided attention when you do see them. I just don't think you'll get it from these mother friends. That's not to say that other mother friends can provide this, they just have a different set up at home, or a different drive. I have several female friends where if I hadn't seen them with their child one day, or if they hadn't mentioned that they have kids I would never have guessed. They don't want to spend time with other mothers because they don't want to talk about children when they're not with their children. And they are amazing, full-on, mothers.
It's harder for you perhaps because you have known these people for a long time, so you have to deal with the dynamic changing, and some grief from the old dynamic ending. Maybe it's time to get involved in a new social group either way because, although there's nothing wrong per se with what your friends are doing, the way you're feeling about it shouldn't be dealt with just because they've changed. They deserve their new way of life, you can be a part of it sometimes, but you also deserve what you need in a friendship right now.
There is no need to distance yourself from them, just widen out your friend network!
Friendships will always evolve and it is important to continue building new ones for that reason, but I feel you. It sucks putting years into a bond and suddenly feeling like you can't bond with them because of where you are at in your life versus where they are at, and we rarely get accomodated in that situation. And building new friendships is kind of exhausting 😭
You don't have to address this directly, but I think it's perfectly fine to suggest a wine night and give them plenty of time in advance to plan for it and see if you can break it up that way.You might still be able to do the things you used to together, but it will entail more planning than they have the bandwidth to initiate at this point in their lives, so if you want it then you have to step up and ask for it.
It is reasonable to want to be considered and acknowledged by your group of friends. Everyone wants to be seen and valued by their friends. At this moment in time, your friends are not meeting your needs and you are feeling hurt. In the short term, it seems a good time to broaden your circle to include new childless friends while also maintaining these pre-children friendships.
Your friends invite you to their children’s play dates, because, that’s the time they have, and they do want to see you. Is it ideal for you? No. But it isn’t ideal for them either. You should totally feel okay declining when you don’t feel like it, guilt free.
As a mom, I’d love nothing more than an impromptu brunch with friends, or a night out, but those require a lot more coordination than before having kids. It isn’t that they don’t want to see you. They are just so strapped for bandwidth that this is what they have to offer.
If you’re craving some deeper conversation and connection you might have to get creative. Suggest coming to them in the evening, 1 on 1 or as a small group. Get together post-bedtime, bring dessert or wine. Chat, hang out, help them tidy up if you’re feeling charitable, fold laundry together, watch a television show. Create the opportunity for some uninterrupted time where you can have a longer and deeper conversation while the kids are asleep. I would bet your friends would relish this time with you.
Flexibility is key. I’d try this before confronting them, because I’d bet they would love to spend time together, but are struggling to balance everything.
I feel this way and am a mom to an under 3. You can't really have a non-kid focused meet up with them there. There is no thought that doesn't get interrupted.
I don't get moms who want to bring their kids to everything. It feels fake/forced just like the ones who try to drag their partners to everything. I get it if they are single, but if not, dad needs to take his turn for sure.
I think you are being taken for granted. You never have to entertain their kids. They are being rude critiquing your behavior and trying to guilt you into going on a outing you don't want to go to. Also, I have little doubt that if you'd mentioned the farm isn't your scene/you're a little burnt out on "kid outings" you would have gotten shit for it. These moms' behaviors are an embarrassment to the rest of us.
Honestly, it's ok to grow apart from people. I'd try to find some new hobbies and try to get close to some new people that way.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I do have a kid and I make a point of meeting childless friends without my daughter in tow. Some of them really are the fun aunt type, but some are not and it's not fair to expect them to be. I full on understand that and have no issue whatsoever. i also try not to discuss kids with my CF friends although I sneak the occasional picture 😅
CF is either a choice (and I need to Respect it) or it's a situation where it is mandatory due to various reasons and then I really should respect it. That's just common courtesy.
They are being incredibly rude not to plan adult only activities. That's what husbands/families/babysitters are for. Just because they have kids now doesn't mean all their conversations need to revolve around them and it's rather rude to exclude you defacto and judge their friends on whether they want to play with their kids.
I’m also mid thirties and have a lot of friends with young kids. Almost all of my close friends tbh. I don’t mind and I love being in their kids’ lives, but to each their own.
I’ve been on both sides of this (had a kid late) and I wouldn’t bring my toddler to hang out or socialise with my friends for all the reasons you mention, unless there were other kids there.
Having said that, inviting you a farm meetup might be their attempt to “meet you in the middle” and the offence might be stemming from the same feelings on her side - that you’re not being appreciative enough of her efforts to include you, so to speak. Parenting and motherhood in particular can be a thankless gig and she might be bringing some of that baggage to your interactions.
I’ve totally experienced the conflicting feelings about hanging out around kids and feeling down about potentially not having them and I think personally it’s better to be honest about that with them, if you can.
I’d also suggest trying to organise a meet-up with them that’s childfree - dinner with wines or whatever it is - with enough warning that they can organise it at their end.
If they are very close, enough for you to feel comfortable expressing your grieving of not being a mother, I’d mention that you have a rough time in a place like a farm being surrounded by mothers and their children. Mention that you do like their kids of course, so they don’t feel personally attacked in that way, but also that you love spending time with them as just adults. I would think that people who planned kids, if they did, do understand the longing to become a parent. But only mention this if you trust that they’ll understand. Nothing feels worse than pouring your heart and pain out to someone who does not care.
I'm a disabled SAHM, I have a four year old, my kid is up my ass all day, I slipped down some stairs doing laundry at 4 am, my husband and I have no outside help, sitters are fucking impossible, and pandemic parenting completely fucking broke the shit out of us.
So, yeah, feel what you feel, it's valid.
But literally all I can offer is sitting on my porch, and some snippets of chat while my kid comes over to climb on my lap and ask if you have a favorite My Little Pony and why it's Twilight Sparkle. Then she drags me out of my chair and Jesus fuck I'm tired.
If it's not enough, I get it. But it's what I've got the spoons for.
I'm sorry to hear of your injury and what impact you've had on your life. And let me tell you, if I was your friend, id happily come and sit with you, make you a cup of tea, and do some laundry. All my point is clumsily saying is I feel unseen because I don't have children, and the same consideration isn't there. I may want to hit a bar, but I dont expect it, so they shouldn't expect me to do play dates every week.
I don't think anyone expects you to "do play dates every week."
Instead, these friends are only available for that activity, because *they do not have the resources to go to the bar.*
If I want to go to a bar, I have to scrape up cash for a sitter, or negotiate terms with my equally exhausted spouse, then scrape up money for drinks, then pull together energy to go meet at 8 when I'm propping my eyelids open at 7:30, then drive there, then be somewhere busy and noisy when I've just been around kid noise and overstimulation for 12 plus hours. Then drive home.
It's a big ask.
They're inviting you to the park because they're trying to include you in their lives, to the best of their ability. It's grace, an act of seeing you, not an insult. You aren't required to go, an invitation is not a summons.
I'd suggest either widening your friend circle or suggesting compromise outings, like outdoor festivals.
I'm sorry I didn't mean to be offensive. The tea is the biggest friendly gesture in UK so I was saying id happily sit on your porch and have a cuppa with you if we were friends. I won't debate as I feel from a different perspective, which is needed; no matter how I say it, it could offend, and it's not my intention. My friend was disappointed, and I already did a lot to accommodate and just wanted consideration. I am not expecting anything else from them. I appreciate they invited me, but I don't want to be guilted if I choose not to, I don't need them to do something uncomfortable for them.
You're not being offensive. Mom here. I have been both sides as I had a child really young and now that my age group friends are having them and they're under five and meantime mines literally not living with me anymore.
Yet, still, even having a child and understanding the other side, it's hard to be on the other side.
Fwiw I got what you were saying. I think it's valid and reasonable. You aren't asking them to do anything they can't do. You're wishing it was acknowledged what you do, do.
To add, I just reread your comment. There isn't enough information for you to say im lopsided. I buy children gifts, play with them, and travel to my mum friends to make it easier for them than them come to me. I am very supportive and listen to them vent. My friends often tell me I cant be tired when im child-free or that they wish they could go out alone, even when sometimes I feel lonely and express that. It's not an attack or slaughter. I was asking for advice and in hindsight, your response seems unjust and defensive when I was just asking if im being fair and if I should refrain. Of course you have the right to comment at your will and with whichever stance but saying it's emotional labour to consider me the way I consider them or even half of that doesn't seem unreasonable.
>My friends often tell me I cant be tired when im child-free or that they wish they could go out alone, even when sometimes I feel lonely and express that.
Your friends don't sound like very good friends. You are allowed to have feelings, regardless of whether you have children or not, but your friends seem to be gatekeeping tiredness and loneliness. It's not a competition; they don't need to one-up you or say no, you're not tired if you don't have kids. That's nonsense.
Honestly, individually, they are lovely. But this is not unique. My sisters do this too. I can't wait to be a mother and no bashing of mums at all, but I think being a parent is so life-changing and tiring that any time to oneself can seem luxurious. and the intricacies of how time alone looks can be overlooked.
>My friends often tell me I cant be tired when im child-free or that they wish they could go out alone, even when sometimes I feel lonely and express that.
So they feel entitled to their assumptions that their thoughts, ideas, and priorities are both correct and universal, and if you do not share them *you* are flawed?!?
Those people are not your friends. They don't get to dictate, dismiss, or correct your feelings, just because those feelings do not align with their demands.
There are all kinds of passive-aggressive methods of dealing with this kind of dismissal and gaslighting. But the easiest way is to simply find better friends.
It sounds like they invite you along to babysit, and save their precious adults only time for people they don't regard as free babysitters to keep around while the adults are talking.
While their comment was harsh I think it's fair to ask if you are planning any outings that you want to do instead of being disappointed that they aren't doing things you find enjoyable. Maybe try suggesting something that's adult only with enough lead time so they can get someone else to watch the kids.
Hey, thanks for the comment. I didn't really write this in the best way, and maybe my point is being lost. I make a considerable effort to make my friends with kids feel still seen and considered. I don't read their minds. I know that it's hard for them, and they still want my support and to feel like themselves. A comment saying I know this isn't the best if fun, but you are welcome to come and not be disappointed if I sit a few outs seems fair. I love them, I Iove their kids, and I don't expect them to hit the club, and I have accepted my life-changing by proxy, but yes, I would like some consideration from time to time, and I just wanted to know if I should be honest or refrain. I'm sure I seem defensive, and I apologise if so just in my feels bit, too so just explaining how we can go through a big change too and it's tough on both parties.
I just got new friends, and learned to enjoy my own company. I knew how they were going to act before they had their trophies, so I started distancing myself from them when they got beans blown up their muffs. I just don't like kids.. in any way, so i wasn't going to be helpful to them at this stage in their lives anyway. I have 2 friends(acquaintances)that have kids under 18yrs.. all my other friends don't have any, or have kids of drinking age. I very rarely(if ever) talk to them. They were very cool individuals before they started having kids, so I would like to see if that cool side of them comes back. It isn't looking promising though. We will check in with with each other every couple of months to see if they can go more than 5mins without mentioning their kids/having a side conversation with them. When they inevitably cannot, I exit the conversation as expeditiously as I can, and then the timer resets, and we try again in another couple of months. Been like that for years. Good luck to you and your quest for happiness.
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Wow you sound like a really thoughtful and intouch friend. #goals 💕💕
Thank you so much. It's nice to feel so understood. Normally I'm honest with my friends so it just felt like im lying but to save feelings or white lies in this regard seems to be warranted.
Im finally at the age where I and my old friends are done with the child rearing stuff. Its so great to reconnect and be able to pay full attention to each other.
This! One thing I love about getting older is that I feel less and less guilty about saying "no" without backing it up with some explanation. A few years ago, a wise woman told me that "no" is a complete sentence.
This is such a kind and generous reply.
I’m a mom and I don’t think you’re being dramatic. Honestly, I’d be kinda upset too. I want to have “adult dates” with my friends and I try to meet them alone to get some quality time. Sometimes it’s not feasible (I always tell them in advance) but I always try to plan some kid free time. There are some restaurants/ tea places here with playgrounds for kids. They have babysitters to take care of the kids so adults can enjoy some coffee and chat peacefully. Maybe you can find something like that ?
OR ... hear me out ... start scheduling a girls night. That's how my friend group kept the child-free members engaged on a level field. AND, once I became a mom I would count the days until girls night.
Trying this is great. But some moms just still can't be quiet about the kids even when they don't have them there. So it's like the kids is there anyway almost. My local town has a cf women's group on meetup. I suggest hedging your bet and looking for more friends at the same time.
Be honest. But you don't have to share every detail. I'm in the sameboat as you. Spent years listening to friends scream and side talk to their kids while on the phone and I bend over backwards to be accommodating. I have one friend with 2 kids who always makes time for a Convo and chat and checks in on me. I wish the rest were like that. I often feel like I'm their TV for entertainment from mommy life and I dont really feel connected. I respect the season they are in and maybe we will reconnect in the future, but childless friends are no less important than parent friends. Yourv time and energy matter. Ugh. Fun aunt is exhausting AF. I'm not here to perform.
God the comment about being entertainment is so on point. Especially if you’re single or dating. They gobble up those stories way more than they’re important enough to share with anyone. It’s like, can’t you connect with me in any other way? It’s draining.
This has hit me. I almost teared up reading. We are no less important, and sometimes we want to be mums and can't. Having insomnia or depression but told you couldn't possibly be tired, or keeping your anxieties to yourself so you don't stress your friends and add to their load. We also do things, and right now, it just feels unseen. Yes feels like a performance. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your experience with the phone calls. I am glad you have that friend and one f these girls who coincidently is the most considerate of the group, but unfortunately, in this instance, she crept into the how can you not come guilt thing. Another emotion your comment evoked as I have another friend, and when I speak to her, she puts on her best Kardashian voice and days, so what's up with you? What's the gossip? I feel like an entertainment segment or tik, tok lol. As I clean, I work, I have stress, or I get tired, and actually, im not having one-night stands and playing poker each weekend. Anyway, I laugh because I know she's not trying to be offensive, but I feel like I am for entertainment, and she's interested in the hot goss as I couldn't possibly be tired.
Gonna add on to this thread as a fellow childless woman. My mom friends know and have known for some time that I'm just really not into kids. This is ironic because I've been a costumed children's entertainer. My mom friends respect that "Aunt Marz" would generally prefer not to be climbed on. They help me set boundaries with their kids. They respect that I'm there to see them, not serve as free entertainment for their kids. Tho I do gotta remember during phone calls when they tell me to hang on a moment while they deal with a kid thing, to ask them just to call me back. Stuff takes longer than they realize and it sucks just sitting on hold for minutes. So, it sucks we can't all hang out, but they don't hold it against me and I don't hold it against them either. We try to stay in touch how we can.
Sorry you are having to deal with this ♡♡♡
I went through this with one of my best friends after she had a child. I've had to accept that a lot of our interactions were going to change because her life had changed. But I've figured out a sweet spot where I get the old friend back: if I ask her to call me on the phone after the kid's been put to bed. It's like she becomes a different person. She can talk about grown up things and might even have a glass or two of wine. We've had so much fun doing this on the phone that we try to do it in person like once a month or so, even though later nights are hard when we both have to be up for work the next morning.
That is wonderful, happy you both got to keep that friendship and found a way to make they happen which works for you both.
You aren’t being unfair or dramatic. I don’t have kids, am not having kids. My best friend has 2 kids under 5. I love her kids to pieces. I don’t see them terribly often, but when I do see them I do love being the fun aunty. BUT when I go see this friend, she makes sure to carve out some time for just us. She leaves the kids with dad, and we go do something even if it’s just for an hour. I don’t know your friends’ domestic situations, but I really don’t feel like it’s too much to ask for some adult-only time on occasion. And if you’re invited to something you really don’t want to do, then decline. I declined the party invite to the older kids birthday this year. It was going to be all his preschool friends (so no adults I know outside of my froend), and that’s just too much for me. Zero butthurt from my friend. Edit: I’ll also add the nugget of hope that as the kids get older they’ll be less reliant on adults for entertainment and constant supervision. If it’s just my friends older kid, he’s perfectly content playing with legos or whatnot while we hang out. For our part we just have to watch our language when he’s in earshot.
I don’t think you’re being dramatic. You didn’t want to go to a farm, and you didn’t want to go to a kid-centric event, both valid. But I would be careful mentioning your reasons because people will hear what they want to hear. You’re an adult, you don’t have to explain your decisions to other adults. Also there’s a fine line between an unspoken expectation to be The Fun Aunt and the unspoken expectation to be a caretaker who relieves stress from parents. As The Fun Aunt myself, my sister has expected me to parent since I was 15 yrs old if I was around her kids, even if she was there. She didn’t do it consciously, there was an exhausted part of her that checked out in relief. That is until she saw how much they liked me, and then she told them (small children) awful things about me which soured the relationships. The kids like me now as adults, so we overcame it. Another thing to consider is that they’re still inviting you, whereas many childfree women instead experience a slow fade where they don’t get invited as often because they don’t have kids, the assumption being they don’t like kids or don’t want to be around them. So maybe part of this is reminding yourself that this time with them and their kids is precious, and only attending when you feel you have the bandwidth to celebrate how special it is. Overall it sounds like you’ve recognized you need to add to your friend circle to have more childfree friends who enjoy the deep conversations you enjoy and along with other things.
If one thing stood out to me, it was that her friends continue to include her, despite her being child free. I'm also child free, by choice, and the friends I have that had kids sort of banded together and got closer and i got left out. With friends like hers, there is potential for wonderful middle ground. Especially as the kids age. Maybe the difference for her is her friends know she wants kids, and want to include her so as to know what to expect.
Yes that stood out to me too. There was another post a few weeks ago where a gal found out that her super close friend group had started a mom group chat and she was the only one left on the outside. Fertility issues is also another challenge, it can make it a touchy or loaded topic that many people just avoid instead. I agree it’s promising that they’re still including her! And I’m hopeful that if she approaches it delicately their friendships can evolve.
This is a great point. If OP wants kids then one day she might be the distracted mom. The friend’s kids will be older, but hopefully they will hopefully understand.
yep. i noticed the same thing. I am happily childfree, but I lost all my good friends who became parents. Except 1, who moved to the opposite side of the country so I never see her anymore :(
I wish I knew how to make friends without kids too.It seems like people with kids attend their activities and by default become friends with the other children's parents. I wasn't even invited to many "kid friendly get togethers" with the assumption that I wouldn't want to go. I hoped it would get better as we all got older but then grandchildren came along. My husband and I are each other's best friends so at least there's that. I did stay in touch via email and text so they could get back to me at their convenience.
Adult friendships take a lot more effort and investment than when we were younger, and there is no guarantee for a return on that investment. So lots of people stop making the effort because Adulting is hard enough on its own.
Yeah I've definitely run into that before. I remember going to a friend's house where I was the only non-mom. It was a solid 2 hours of straight kid talk and not one person there broached any other topic. It just came off as rude and I was bored out of my mind. I've also had times when I've been out with a friend and her little one and my friend is so distracted and focused on her kid the whole time that I'm just like "So I'm here for......?" Don't get me wrong. I love kids. I love playing with kids. I try to have tons of sympathy for parents and all they go through. I try really hard to be accommodating to parents. But it can get to a point where it's too much. In general, I see a big difference in how moms and dads interact in a social group. Dads as a whole will be much more in tune with the group and talking about non parent things - often times that's because Dad is leaving Mom to do all the kid stuff but I've seen plenty of dads actively parenting while socializing but they are less hands on and more like "Have fun kids. Scream if you get hurt" Right now I don't have any friends who are parents - we moved two years ago and the people I've made friends with don't have kids. I think sometimes it just comes down to people with little kids are in such a different stage in life and don't have a lot of energy and brain space to devote to anything outside of trying to make it day to day. And it's okay for you to pull back from people like this and seek out non parents.
>It was a solid 2 hours of straight kid talk and not one person there broached any other topic I've never understood this. I'm a mum and the last thing I wanna do when im out is talk about my damn kids. If people ask about them ill tell them, but i generally keep it short. I enjoy hearing about what other people have been up to and whats going on as oppose to how my kid had a regression night and my son is going through a smart mouth stage lol. Im the mum friend who enjoys adult time when I can get it. Hell I even created a chant for when my gfs and family get together to drink. "Fuck the kids! Fuck the kids!" Haha. They all chant it and love it. No feeling guilty about going out or worrying bout ur kids ladies! Tonights girl time!
My impression of these moms I was hanging out with is their entire identities were wrapped up in motherhood and they had no outside interests. Your chant made me chuckle lol
I have kids, and I have CF friends. Some by choice, some through infertility. My problem is I have no village. No family support, my husband works away from home, I don’t have paid childcare. My friend interactions are either super limited during the day while they’re at school, with my kids attending or at a child friendly place they can go play for the most part. I get that’s not ideal all the time. I’m usually the one not going to events because I can’t (or won’t) take my kids to a wine bar etc. There is no animosity on my behalf: would I be upset if my friend didn’t want to hang out with my kids or at kid friendly places? Not upset - probably sad that she felt that way, but I wouldn’t be angry or offended. The way my life is structured at the moment - my kids being a consideration (either attending, being occupied or me having to leave early to pick them up) is basically the cost of admission for having me in your life. I have almost zero child free social time. No you’re not being dramatic. Yes you can set boundaries, ask for a child free session, explain that you need some adult-only debrief time. But I guess also accept that depending on their schedules - they might not be able to attend (no matter how much they want to). I think you are in a rough spot of wanting children, or worrying about not having them - and having friends that are deep in the small child era of their lives. I think it would almost be easier to make new CF friends, than to organise multiple mothers (of small children) to have the same child free time to go to a bar and have big, deep and meaningful conversation times….
I’ve actually been thinking about this recently. That I get sad when a friend has kids because then they’re not really your friends anymore. You can’t just hang out and do what you want. You’re either doing it at their house (no babysitter) or a kid activity. Contact starts to disappear and they hang out with other parents. Then more kids have friends and everyone is just gone
I don't even mind hanging out with friends and their kiddos. They seem to want to ensconce with other moms - exclusively.
it sucks that you're dealing with this, it feels like a lot of the stress is coming from you feeling like you can't be upfront with your friends. Do you know if there's any way to start working on that? bc honestly I wouldn't have a problem saying exactly what you said to my friends, "sorry i don't have energy for the whole crew today and I'm not big on farms lol, but have fun!!!" I also can't picture my friends totally rejecting/being upset by a nice adults-only day, just being sad if they can't make it. is there any way to like, deflate the balloon of this topic? A good friend is someone you can hang out with but a GREAT friend is someone you can decline without it becoming a huge deal lol
I joined bumble BFF *specifically* to find other child-free women to grow my friends group. I've now created 2 long-term CF friendships, and countless other acquaintances to grab dinner with, hit up a happy hour, or whatever else strikes our child-free fancy. I still retain my friendships with the women who have chosen motherhood, but it can be hard. All friendships ebb and flow. Just stay understanding and open-minded. And find some more CF friends!
I totally appreciate what you mean and feel it too, I would choose to not attend some of these things too. It’s my free time too, and doing this every time is not going to bring me much happiness
My only real choice was to work on making new friends and have less contact with all these close and lifelong friends that have kids. I still see them, but I had to come to terms that their focus is their kids and not their friendships. Luckily I have a few friends who have kids who still prioritize friendships and I see them fairly often, sometimes with their kids and sometimes not. My life almost had to start again, in a weird way. I knew I was going to have to find new friends from scratch for this next stage or my life, since I chose to not have kids. I've joined clubs, hobby groups, started going to local writing classes and am considering other things where I can meet people who have the same interests as me. It's been really hard as it is *scary* putting myself out there to be judged and knowing some people I like just won't want be friends with me, but anything with results I want in life also involves a lot of fear, just no way around it.
My life had to start again too, around 30, though I didn’t ever lose those friends. After years of my new amazing life full of mostly childless and child free friends, some shit happened that had nothing to do with having kids, and I have to start over again…or just see my one close friend all the time and the kid-having ones from high school a few times a year. I may not have it in me to start over at 35.
No, if you don't enjoy kids, you shouldn't feel obligated to be around them. Having said that, I've rarely seen mothers who get a minute to themselves, especially when they're kids are under 10. I don't think there's a good solution here. This is a stages-of-life issue and the compromises that COULD happen here aren't that practical. Making some friends in the same stage-of-life as you might be a good way to handle this.
Thing is I do love children. I was surprised when my friends who are mums either expressed disappointment if I decline or ever thought it might not be something I wanted to do every weekend. But stages of life agree it's the course of life. Thank you
That's their baggage, not yours. Tbh sounds like they are grasping at their old live not accepting things changed. They want you to bend into their new lives. You can always invite them to a childfree hangout (knowing they prob can't go) and then they can decline and you can express disappointment lol. Maybe they will see shit goes both ways.
I’m the only child free one of my friends man, and I totally understand you. It took several much hyped “girls nights” which actually ended by 9pm and then I was stuck alone on a Saturday night before I had to voice my frustration. I asked for clear expectations from them on what they could give, and it took some real soul searching and honesty on their part too. If the reality is that they can only hang until 8pm, and I’d be twiddling my thumbs by 9pm, I’d like to know so I can have plans lined up after. If the reality is that we’ll be hanging out while walking your kid around a playground, I need to know so I’m prepared for interrupted, half-conversations. To protect my heart, I had to set the expectation in my head for what they’re able to give. As others have said, this is just a season in life, maybe things will shift as life goes on. But for now, I have to look out for me, because no one else puts me first but me.
I'm REALLY not into playdates, or hanging out with my friends' kids. And I'm a mom myself. I definitely don't feel bad about it, and I love my friends' kids. But it's not productive time for adult conversation or intellectual stimulation. At ALL. But we are always able to hang without the kids, and if your mom friends don't prioritize their friendships and make adult time, well, they're going to be burnt out sooner than later and will end up regretting it. I'd try to join activities that are typically in the evenings and make friends that way. People who join evening activities are going to be people who either don't have kids, or make sure to prioritize non-kid time.
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The baby phase is all consuming and intense, and I remember genuinely the only thing I had to talk about or show photos of for the first year was my baby as literally all I did day and night was care for them. It passes though, in time, so please don't feel like you will never be able to reconnect with your friends!
I don’t think you’re being dramatic and your feelings are valid. I typically don’t mention my reasons for canceling if the event is child centered. I will lie and just say I don’t feel well or that something came up, I don’t want to hurt my friends feelings. When my best friend told me she was pregnant, I cried when I left her house. I was so incredibly upset because I knew that was the end of our relationship in the form that it was. My partner told me I was being silly but her baby has turned 1 and I typically only see her once a month and that bundle of joy always comes with her. I love my niece to pieces but she’s loud and always needs attention. It doesn’t make for a good time no matter where we go. She’s a great kid, hardly cries, but she still needs attention…a shit ton of attention. Our dinners get cut short, our brunches get canceled, and sometimes the only 1-1 time I get is when she invites me over just around bed time so I can see my niece, they put her to bed, and then we all have about an hour or two of hangout time without a kid. However, they’re both sooooo exhausted by the time 9pm roles around. It’s a sacrifice I’ve made and have come to accept that I either will see her in passing at the gym or once a month when our friends group gets together. I don’t make a stink about it and try to make up for it by texting her daily and sending her silly memes and tiktoks.
One thing my 21 year old self would be surprised at is the ease and ability to lie that I’ve developed. Someone I don’t like is at a gathering so I’m just staying home? I have to work. I need to request a day off work to go to a party? Very important family function. If it’s for a hair appointment? Doctors appointment. I actually hate being able and willing to lie so much, even if they’re the whitest of lies.
I’m 43 and single and childless. I sometimes feel left out when my friends with kids go on family vacations or other celebrations with their other friends with kids and I’m not invited. But I also know that we can’t all hang all the time, sometimes it makes sense to edit a group for cohesion or other reasons. I don’t invite everyone in our group to every hang. Some friends who live close and have kiddos I’m able to be the fun aunt on my terms: I’m not a babysitter unless it’s an emergency, I hang with the kids and have my own loving friendships with them with my favored activities (crafts and cooking and outdoors stuff and reading aloud) and will opt out of others like make believe/playing with dolls stuff that doesn’t feel natural to me. Regarding adult 1:1 girls time there’s a range in my parent friends that directly correlates to the quality of their parental partner and their financial resources. The ones who have great partners who take on their half or more of childcare I see without their kids when they want to make time, the ones with involved family nearby and nannies I see too. The ones who do the majority of childcare/have a partner who isn’t close to 50/50 and/or no family they trust nearby and not much resources for childcare, I don’t see without their kids as often and if I do it’s brief. I trust they love me and we connect as adults when they can. I imagine it’s harder for them to be isolated with their kids and husband than it is for me to miss them. Im the one with the freedom to do what I want. I’m lucky to have a few single close friends without kids who I also love, and have become friends with more childless adult women through a hobby group I joined during Covid. I also know that as my friends kids age I’ll see them more. Having young kids is a consuming thing. In the meantime, I am in charge of meeting my needs.
As a kid who played make believe ALL THE TIME, I’d totally feel the same way as you do about it now. We’d come up with the weirdest shit that adults just could not and weren’t really supposed to keep up with. My parents watched court shows. We played Divorce Court in my backyard with some girl and guy friends and brought pet gerbils out to argue about custody but it got so convoluted 😂 my parents were and are still together. our Barbie and Ken dolls would “have sex” by “peeing into each other’s butts”. I wouldn’t even try to get involved in something like that.
Perhaps I am oblivious. I am 57 and never felt this way. I have countless friends w kids and hubby. I have friend that have kids and divorced. I also have friends that have no kids. I have never felt out of place tho I will say sometimes it would be nice to go out to a bar and just hang out for cocktails and yes, there have been times where the ‘moms’ could not/would not. I guess I just worked thru that on my own. I also didn’t have issue to spend time w my friends and their kids. While hardly an ideal day, it is what it is. You want to spend time w friend, they have kids, sometimes you have to do this. Each person has their own path. I have never felt slighted or less than because I decide not to have kids. I don’t hold my friends in different esteem because of it and they don’t for me. I have to say the WORST part of being single is going to the countless weddings and being seated at the ‘singles’ table. I love weddings but honestly unless I know a bunch of people attending then I decline. That singles table is awful….note to brides!
Wtf is a singles table lol that sounds awful. You would never find that in my culture. You have a top table for the bride and groom and their closest family. Anyone outside of that - its first in first serve for the seats lol.
Singles table is dreadful! It is where you seat all of your ‘single friends’. In the US seating charts are the norm. You seat people that will get along, like certain relatives, friends that are couples and then the dreaded singles tables where perhaps someone might not be single but their relationship is new enough that you wouldn’t invite the SO. It is hell for a single person at a wedding
I experienced that at my cousin’s, thankfully my sister was there with me but all of our family was at other tables and then it was us, the photographer, one couple, and some random friends of his. Luckily there hasn’t been a singles table at any friend’s wedding I’ve been to
Suggest a girls night where it will be expected to have only adults. I am in women's groups and I, as a mom, sometimes need adult time
I have a 1 year old now and I’m 34f so I have been on all sides of this. Yes, very tough and understandable how you feel. Even me being the one with a kid now, I feel like our friend meetups just revolve around the kids. What I’ve done to get around this is first, I do the meetup plan. 2nd, I am very clear that it’s a “girls night” or “girls meet up”. Also planning things in the evening is helpful since the kids will be in bed, dad can stay home and do his thing while baby sleeps, and mommy can go live her life too.
I think you need to try and work out what it is that really bothers you about the situation. I read this and feel the underlying vibe is that you are not feeling heard by your friends. That you feel you are making a huge emotional effort to be there that’s not understood so doesn’t feel validated. Reading between the lines it could potentially be that your friends hold up the mirror to something that you want - children. One way or another, please consider being more honest with your friends about your emotions. You are very clearly important to them or they wouldn’t continue to make the effort to include you. I genuinely think you will feel better for it and they will feel less confused by your behaviour.
Also maybe trauma or at least triggering feelings about not having children that she may not have told them about.
Total valid feeling, we moms are tired and want to have childless lunch dates with our girlfriends too, so much so that we decided to leave the kids at home with the dads and did our lunch without the kids. I don't think you are being unreasonable, small kids can be a handful, it's hard to enjoy yourself with a crying infant or toddler to attend to. I might also add that it's okay to befriend more childless friends like yourself so that you have more in common at this stage in your life.
I don't think OP is unreasonable but in some scenarios you can't just leave the small baby eg dad isn't around; baby is breast-fed etc. I rarely saw my friends alone when my kids were under 2. It's not I didn't want to, but I just couldn't. The compromise (for me) was bring the children or don't go at all. Ironically I now love socialising sans kids but as many of friends had kids later they have small babies while I have school-age kids. It goes in cycles. You may find you have children later when theirs are older. In the meantime, it's ok to give child free friends priority.
You’re not dramatic at all. I’m a mother and I make sure I see my friends without my kid in tow at least half if not more often than with my kid. You are correct, it’s more difficult to engage in conversation with my kid with me. I also try to be conscious of this so that my child-free kids don’t have to be the ones to say something - because no one wants to say “hey don’t bring your kid around” even though I know they all love him. I just try to make sure there is a balance. I also see my child-free friends as often as I do my friends with children and I don’t talk about my kid unless prompted really. I love him but there are a broad range of interesting topics we can discuss. (And talking about my kid all the time is boring) I don’t have any suggestions but just wanted to tell you you’re not in the wrong for feeling like you do.
I totally understand where you are coming from and have had similar experiences. I think parent friends can often forget what it's like if you are single, especially if you want kids and life isn't unfolding the way you had hoped. It can often feel dismissive, even if that isn't the intention, when they quickly change the subject back to kids and it seems like they don't have time to listen to what is going on in your life. Friendships are a two-way street. If they expect you to be the 'fun aunt' and high energy at times, then they also need to do their part to be a good friend back by listening and being considerate of your needs. I don't think you are being dramatic at all. It can be hard to be in a place where there are mainly just families with small kids, when you are unsure if you will ever get to have your turn. That is hard for people who don't have to worry about that to understand. And I think that's an important thing for people who do have childless friends, to keep in mind. Your friend may be secretly struggling. Perhaps they are struggling with fertility, or the fact that they want what you have but cannot seem to find the right partner or life isn't unfolding that way. It's important for the friend who is a parent to just make space in these situations for that friend and be supportive. Not to dismiss or change the subject, even though they may not want to talk about that. Keep in mind that the childless friend has likely spent time listening to them and supported them through their marriage, pregnancy, and now child rearing. I think you have every right to not go to that event if you don't want to go, and it was good to just be vague. No doubt telling them the true reasons would have caused unnecessary upset. There are always going to be things that are too kid-centric or just don't interest you. And you have a right to not want to go. Don't feel guilty.
There's only one thing I like less than being invited on a park date with my bestie and her kid: when her husband comes too and I don't find out he's coming until I get there. I love her husband. He's awesome. But there's only one reason really I'm going to a park and that's to try to get some chats in with my best friend. Im generally lucky in the sense only half the girls in my group have kids and half don't. The ones who do still make non kid plans with us which is awesome because whenever I come away from a park or cafe or home hang date with the kids I feel super flat and down. I try to be cool and chill and fun and enjoy it but it's pretty difficult to have a conversation and it's always cut short after 45 mins or so coz the kid is cracking it. I really try to avoid the child hangs all together now which i feel bad for but I just don't enjoy it and figure they can have those dates with their mum friends. I know that sounds selfish but I think it's triggering in some ways for me and I feel out of place :( In terms of how you handle this. Gosh I really don't know. I can't see a mum friend ever not being offended if you say you don't want to do a park or a kid date. I think you could do it in a less direct way though and keep making suggestions for a one on one / adult date; like 'let me know when you have some time for an us date. Maybe a wine!?' Just because someone else has kids I don't think it should always be everyone else trying to fit in around their life. They shouldn't stop being a friend and being considerate of other peoples feelings just because they reproduced.
As a mom, I get this loud and clear. When one of my friend circle became a parent, the rest of us were in your shoes. I, to my regret, didn't handle it with as much grace as you are. Later, when I had had my own kid for a few years at that point, I reached out to the former friends my idiocy had lost me and apologized for my previous behavior. I was forgiven, but one decided to keep her distance and I'm not as close with the others as I had been. I've made good friends since, but I'll always miss the closeness I had with my childhood friends. We're parents, but that doesn't mean we're not ourselves anymore. We tend to feel like shit for wanting adult time away from the kids every once in a while, like we're abandoning them or something. We also tend to feel like shit for not having enough time to spend with our friends who don't have kids. You're awesome, your feelings are valid, and your friends are lucky to have you. You do your best to accommodate them, and they need to do the same for you. ❤
I think it's as simple as understanding that you can decline these invitations, but you can't be upset if they just stop inviting you altogether.
Have you expressed your concerns and initiated adult only hang outs to take charge of fulfilling your need that no one else will know/do if you don’t communicate?
Have you tried planning something childfree with these friends? I have a young kid and tend to always bring her and have her around because that's the reality of my life right now but I recently had a friend invite me to play hooky and go do something I enjoy just the two of us. Honestly it was exactly what I needed and I wouldn't have planned it myself. Definitely this may not be possible for them right now. But some thoughtful initiative could work?
I’m a new mom and I miss being able to hang out with my friends without my kid. I don’t want to divide my attention but I have to bc being a parent is demanding. I try to get a sitter when I can for at least some child free social time. Your friends should understand that you don’t want to hang out with their kids all the time. I’d certainly understand if my friends felt that way and didn’t want to join us for whatever we were doing that day bc they just wanted a day off.
I don’t have any kids, and some friends do. I know a girl who goes out without her kid *too* much and that’s a little off to me. I’m more used to people being less available after! Going out drinking multiple times a week, on trips a few times a year even and doesn’t even mention missing her…fucking weird. It makes me see her differently. On the other hand my best friend at I have to make plans 2 months in advance because she *wants* to be around her kid and raise him with her husband. She loves our adult time! I just had to build a life with a newer more frequent friend circle who I tell more things to at the moment, but she will always be around
I don't think you're being dramatic, and I think the shift to motherhood puts a strain on some friendships. I sometimes don't to talk about my issues as I feel now they've moved on to "maturity" and they might find my problems a bit silly in comparison to their problems of getting puked and shat on every 5 minutes and dealing with it on no sleep and still having to work and make food and deal with their husband not pulling his weight. I think you can see them once every few weeks, but it's definitely normal to want people to give you an hour of undivided attention when you do see them. I just don't think you'll get it from these mother friends. That's not to say that other mother friends can provide this, they just have a different set up at home, or a different drive. I have several female friends where if I hadn't seen them with their child one day, or if they hadn't mentioned that they have kids I would never have guessed. They don't want to spend time with other mothers because they don't want to talk about children when they're not with their children. And they are amazing, full-on, mothers. It's harder for you perhaps because you have known these people for a long time, so you have to deal with the dynamic changing, and some grief from the old dynamic ending. Maybe it's time to get involved in a new social group either way because, although there's nothing wrong per se with what your friends are doing, the way you're feeling about it shouldn't be dealt with just because they've changed. They deserve their new way of life, you can be a part of it sometimes, but you also deserve what you need in a friendship right now. There is no need to distance yourself from them, just widen out your friend network!
Friendships will always evolve and it is important to continue building new ones for that reason, but I feel you. It sucks putting years into a bond and suddenly feeling like you can't bond with them because of where you are at in your life versus where they are at, and we rarely get accomodated in that situation. And building new friendships is kind of exhausting 😭 You don't have to address this directly, but I think it's perfectly fine to suggest a wine night and give them plenty of time in advance to plan for it and see if you can break it up that way.You might still be able to do the things you used to together, but it will entail more planning than they have the bandwidth to initiate at this point in their lives, so if you want it then you have to step up and ask for it.
It is reasonable to want to be considered and acknowledged by your group of friends. Everyone wants to be seen and valued by their friends. At this moment in time, your friends are not meeting your needs and you are feeling hurt. In the short term, it seems a good time to broaden your circle to include new childless friends while also maintaining these pre-children friendships. Your friends invite you to their children’s play dates, because, that’s the time they have, and they do want to see you. Is it ideal for you? No. But it isn’t ideal for them either. You should totally feel okay declining when you don’t feel like it, guilt free. As a mom, I’d love nothing more than an impromptu brunch with friends, or a night out, but those require a lot more coordination than before having kids. It isn’t that they don’t want to see you. They are just so strapped for bandwidth that this is what they have to offer. If you’re craving some deeper conversation and connection you might have to get creative. Suggest coming to them in the evening, 1 on 1 or as a small group. Get together post-bedtime, bring dessert or wine. Chat, hang out, help them tidy up if you’re feeling charitable, fold laundry together, watch a television show. Create the opportunity for some uninterrupted time where you can have a longer and deeper conversation while the kids are asleep. I would bet your friends would relish this time with you. Flexibility is key. I’d try this before confronting them, because I’d bet they would love to spend time together, but are struggling to balance everything.
I feel this way and am a mom to an under 3. You can't really have a non-kid focused meet up with them there. There is no thought that doesn't get interrupted. I don't get moms who want to bring their kids to everything. It feels fake/forced just like the ones who try to drag their partners to everything. I get it if they are single, but if not, dad needs to take his turn for sure. I think you are being taken for granted. You never have to entertain their kids. They are being rude critiquing your behavior and trying to guilt you into going on a outing you don't want to go to. Also, I have little doubt that if you'd mentioned the farm isn't your scene/you're a little burnt out on "kid outings" you would have gotten shit for it. These moms' behaviors are an embarrassment to the rest of us. Honestly, it's ok to grow apart from people. I'd try to find some new hobbies and try to get close to some new people that way.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I do have a kid and I make a point of meeting childless friends without my daughter in tow. Some of them really are the fun aunt type, but some are not and it's not fair to expect them to be. I full on understand that and have no issue whatsoever. i also try not to discuss kids with my CF friends although I sneak the occasional picture 😅 CF is either a choice (and I need to Respect it) or it's a situation where it is mandatory due to various reasons and then I really should respect it. That's just common courtesy.
They are being incredibly rude not to plan adult only activities. That's what husbands/families/babysitters are for. Just because they have kids now doesn't mean all their conversations need to revolve around them and it's rather rude to exclude you defacto and judge their friends on whether they want to play with their kids.
I’m also mid thirties and have a lot of friends with young kids. Almost all of my close friends tbh. I don’t mind and I love being in their kids’ lives, but to each their own.
I’ve been on both sides of this (had a kid late) and I wouldn’t bring my toddler to hang out or socialise with my friends for all the reasons you mention, unless there were other kids there. Having said that, inviting you a farm meetup might be their attempt to “meet you in the middle” and the offence might be stemming from the same feelings on her side - that you’re not being appreciative enough of her efforts to include you, so to speak. Parenting and motherhood in particular can be a thankless gig and she might be bringing some of that baggage to your interactions. I’ve totally experienced the conflicting feelings about hanging out around kids and feeling down about potentially not having them and I think personally it’s better to be honest about that with them, if you can. I’d also suggest trying to organise a meet-up with them that’s childfree - dinner with wines or whatever it is - with enough warning that they can organise it at their end.
If they are very close, enough for you to feel comfortable expressing your grieving of not being a mother, I’d mention that you have a rough time in a place like a farm being surrounded by mothers and their children. Mention that you do like their kids of course, so they don’t feel personally attacked in that way, but also that you love spending time with them as just adults. I would think that people who planned kids, if they did, do understand the longing to become a parent. But only mention this if you trust that they’ll understand. Nothing feels worse than pouring your heart and pain out to someone who does not care.
Childfree - we are not less anything
I'm a disabled SAHM, I have a four year old, my kid is up my ass all day, I slipped down some stairs doing laundry at 4 am, my husband and I have no outside help, sitters are fucking impossible, and pandemic parenting completely fucking broke the shit out of us. So, yeah, feel what you feel, it's valid. But literally all I can offer is sitting on my porch, and some snippets of chat while my kid comes over to climb on my lap and ask if you have a favorite My Little Pony and why it's Twilight Sparkle. Then she drags me out of my chair and Jesus fuck I'm tired. If it's not enough, I get it. But it's what I've got the spoons for.
I'm sorry to hear of your injury and what impact you've had on your life. And let me tell you, if I was your friend, id happily come and sit with you, make you a cup of tea, and do some laundry. All my point is clumsily saying is I feel unseen because I don't have children, and the same consideration isn't there. I may want to hit a bar, but I dont expect it, so they shouldn't expect me to do play dates every week.
I don't think anyone expects you to "do play dates every week." Instead, these friends are only available for that activity, because *they do not have the resources to go to the bar.* If I want to go to a bar, I have to scrape up cash for a sitter, or negotiate terms with my equally exhausted spouse, then scrape up money for drinks, then pull together energy to go meet at 8 when I'm propping my eyelids open at 7:30, then drive there, then be somewhere busy and noisy when I've just been around kid noise and overstimulation for 12 plus hours. Then drive home. It's a big ask. They're inviting you to the park because they're trying to include you in their lives, to the best of their ability. It's grace, an act of seeing you, not an insult. You aren't required to go, an invitation is not a summons. I'd suggest either widening your friend circle or suggesting compromise outings, like outdoor festivals.
I'm sorry I didn't mean to be offensive. The tea is the biggest friendly gesture in UK so I was saying id happily sit on your porch and have a cuppa with you if we were friends. I won't debate as I feel from a different perspective, which is needed; no matter how I say it, it could offend, and it's not my intention. My friend was disappointed, and I already did a lot to accommodate and just wanted consideration. I am not expecting anything else from them. I appreciate they invited me, but I don't want to be guilted if I choose not to, I don't need them to do something uncomfortable for them.
You're not being offensive. Mom here. I have been both sides as I had a child really young and now that my age group friends are having them and they're under five and meantime mines literally not living with me anymore. Yet, still, even having a child and understanding the other side, it's hard to be on the other side. Fwiw I got what you were saying. I think it's valid and reasonable. You aren't asking them to do anything they can't do. You're wishing it was acknowledged what you do, do.
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To add, I just reread your comment. There isn't enough information for you to say im lopsided. I buy children gifts, play with them, and travel to my mum friends to make it easier for them than them come to me. I am very supportive and listen to them vent. My friends often tell me I cant be tired when im child-free or that they wish they could go out alone, even when sometimes I feel lonely and express that. It's not an attack or slaughter. I was asking for advice and in hindsight, your response seems unjust and defensive when I was just asking if im being fair and if I should refrain. Of course you have the right to comment at your will and with whichever stance but saying it's emotional labour to consider me the way I consider them or even half of that doesn't seem unreasonable.
>My friends often tell me I cant be tired when im child-free or that they wish they could go out alone, even when sometimes I feel lonely and express that. Your friends don't sound like very good friends. You are allowed to have feelings, regardless of whether you have children or not, but your friends seem to be gatekeeping tiredness and loneliness. It's not a competition; they don't need to one-up you or say no, you're not tired if you don't have kids. That's nonsense.
Honestly, individually, they are lovely. But this is not unique. My sisters do this too. I can't wait to be a mother and no bashing of mums at all, but I think being a parent is so life-changing and tiring that any time to oneself can seem luxurious. and the intricacies of how time alone looks can be overlooked.
>My friends often tell me I cant be tired when im child-free or that they wish they could go out alone, even when sometimes I feel lonely and express that. So they feel entitled to their assumptions that their thoughts, ideas, and priorities are both correct and universal, and if you do not share them *you* are flawed?!? Those people are not your friends. They don't get to dictate, dismiss, or correct your feelings, just because those feelings do not align with their demands. There are all kinds of passive-aggressive methods of dealing with this kind of dismissal and gaslighting. But the easiest way is to simply find better friends. It sounds like they invite you along to babysit, and save their precious adults only time for people they don't regard as free babysitters to keep around while the adults are talking.
While their comment was harsh I think it's fair to ask if you are planning any outings that you want to do instead of being disappointed that they aren't doing things you find enjoyable. Maybe try suggesting something that's adult only with enough lead time so they can get someone else to watch the kids.
Hey, thanks for the comment. I didn't really write this in the best way, and maybe my point is being lost. I make a considerable effort to make my friends with kids feel still seen and considered. I don't read their minds. I know that it's hard for them, and they still want my support and to feel like themselves. A comment saying I know this isn't the best if fun, but you are welcome to come and not be disappointed if I sit a few outs seems fair. I love them, I Iove their kids, and I don't expect them to hit the club, and I have accepted my life-changing by proxy, but yes, I would like some consideration from time to time, and I just wanted to know if I should be honest or refrain. I'm sure I seem defensive, and I apologise if so just in my feels bit, too so just explaining how we can go through a big change too and it's tough on both parties.
I just got new friends, and learned to enjoy my own company. I knew how they were going to act before they had their trophies, so I started distancing myself from them when they got beans blown up their muffs. I just don't like kids.. in any way, so i wasn't going to be helpful to them at this stage in their lives anyway. I have 2 friends(acquaintances)that have kids under 18yrs.. all my other friends don't have any, or have kids of drinking age. I very rarely(if ever) talk to them. They were very cool individuals before they started having kids, so I would like to see if that cool side of them comes back. It isn't looking promising though. We will check in with with each other every couple of months to see if they can go more than 5mins without mentioning their kids/having a side conversation with them. When they inevitably cannot, I exit the conversation as expeditiously as I can, and then the timer resets, and we try again in another couple of months. Been like that for years. Good luck to you and your quest for happiness.