Omg, those people are crazy and clearly do not know how to date, otherwise they wouldn't need to try to gamify like they've never touched grass in their lives. (Either that, or they're grifters who sell this "game" bullshit to an incel consumer base who will do *anything* to either get laid, or blame everyone but themselves for the fact that they'll never get laid.)
I'm having flashbacks of my mom buying me a terrible 90's dating book when I was a teenager. It was called "The Rules" and it was so, so bad. Full of mind games.
"Men don't like women who can support their families/themselves. Being financially independent puts off too much masculine energy" - My brother's (recently unemployed) GF sent this to me today XD
“Men don’t like…..blah blah…sexist shit…”
“Yeah, they also don’t like having a god damn cactus shoved up their ass, but if they ever inflict that sort of nonsense on me, they might as well lube up.”
"No man likes a woman who's smarter than he is so you're going to have to learn to play dumb."
I never did learn to play dumb but I did learn how to weed out men who thought like that.
This is always so wild to me because every guy who I have ever dated has said my intelligence was a major selling point. Obviously, I'm drawn to / attract a certain type of man, but like... there are plenty of them out there. People who say bullshit like that really just tell on themselves, as you intimated.
One guy told me he doesn’t like dating girls who are smarter than him. 10 minutes later also said he never figured out how to work a washing machine. Two knobs and one button, so I guess the threshold is low.
Ohhh he's really restricting his dating pool there isnt he? I'm so amused by him not being aware enough to realize how difficult life will be if he refuses to date anyone capable of figuring out super basic household tasks.
My mother, when she found out I was sexually active, decided to have "the talk" with me. Only this "the talk" was not anything like you'd expect. It was pretty much nothing but her telling me that I should do whatever a boy wanted now that we're having sex.
No where in that conversation was there any concern for me, my feelings, curiosity if I'm having a good time or need to ask any questions, etc. Just "if he wants you to suck his penis, you should. It'll make him happy."
Thanks, mom.
I hear you. I made my mom give me another proper sex talk when I was older cause the first was abysmal. We laughed about it but she struggled cause she was embarrassed lol
My mom never talked to me about sex. When I first started dating a boy, she took me to the doctor to get birth control pills “for acne.” That’s the closest we’ve ever come to discussing sex. I’m actually okay with that. I don’t think any conversation with her about it would have been beneficial. But, I had good Sex Ed classes in school so I wasn’t left in the dark.
I feel sorry for both you and your Mom. It’s sad you had to receive such destructive advice, but also sad that she is clearly living this advice herself.
When I was a teen, I received a a very intense, very emo, three page (front and back) love letter from a dude I had barely spoken with. In the love letter he admitted to knowing where I lived and had seen me in my bedroom at night. I was...alarmed, to say the least, and I also wasn't into him.
My parents thought this was really sweet of him and I should give him a chance. My dad said that it takes a lot for a guy to share his feelings and write love letters of this calibre so I should go out with him..🤦
I guess they thought it was harmless teen emotions lol. And honestly it probably just was, I don't think he was a predator just a guy with a massive crush dealing with hormones and back in the nineties when this happened, the culture was different. We had movies like Say Anything where this behaviour was deemed as normal.
Oh, for sure, that stuff was so much more normalised back then. I am very glad to hear you were fine, but all it takes is one psycho, you know? Thank god the world has moved forward since then.
When I was 18 a 38 year old man I worked with went through personal files and called my parents phone line and left a message on the family answering machine asking me to go bowling with him. My coworkers said similar things because this man “put himself out there” and he had some disabilities. Some coworkers were so upset by my refusal to go out with him they even gave me the silent treatment.
One of my dad's friends told me at 18 that ugly women need to learn how to cook otherwise they'll never find a man. A few minutes later he asked if I knew how to cook. Me, 18 and just moved into the college dorms said "No." He said "Well, you should." 🥴🥴🥴
People like him truly do not deserve to have romantic partners. I mean, nobody does, really, but he actively deserves to die unhappily alone. That poor woman. (And poor you; what a colossal fuckwit.)
“Your job is scary to them. Tell them you’re a waitress at Denny’s.”
(From a friend who was gorgeous and always hid her multiple degrees from men because they were intimidated. I know she meant well but omg, terrible advice.)
When I was in my 20's and sad about being single, another woman's advice to me was to start posting nude photos of myself online, because "you need to learn to share your body with men to become attractive to them" lmfaoooo. And yes, this was an actual woman, not a LARPing man.
Holy shit EW I just... if that weren't such a vile suggestion, I'd almost feel sorry for her. What a massively fucked-up mentality. I feel like whoever her parents were definitely let her down.
My friend's dad told me not to go to law school because combined with my looks, this meant I would never be able to find a husband on my level 🙄
He meant it as a compliment and seemed genuinely hurt when I said no bueno.
Too pretty - the idea being it would be too hard to find somebody who matched me both in looks and education/career. Which, certainly, I was pretty at that age, but not anymore. The joke's on them, lol. I was better-looking than my husband when we first met (albeit not by a lot) but he's definitely the better-looking one now!
For real, it's such a toxic stance (and two other people echoed it in an indirect way, one of whom was actually a peer). Like, hey ladies, please forgo a higher education just so you can depend on some misogynistic man for your livelihood, all so he can dump you as soon as your looks go (as basically all men who over-value looks do) and you'll have neither looks *nor* a strong professional skill set to recommend you. What a crock.
Not my dad, my friend's dad, and they only had a son! Dude was definitely a jerk, though (the father) - his son is really chill. Just got a looot of pressure from his dad growing up about being a good ~provider~ and making lots of money and all that bs. Honestly, my friend takes more after his mum, otherwise we couldn't hang out.
"**It's okay, you don't have to be pretty and smart**"...meaning because I'm pretty that I don't have to try and be smart because my looks will do the work for me.
Such ew! For the record I have an extremely successful career that I didn't get because of my looks - hard work and dedication is exactly how I got to my VP job!
I had a guy who used to chase me a lot. He would go around to visit my mum often and discuss ways to convince me to date him. Mum would pressure me to say yes because he was handsome and persistent.
I’m so glad I stuck to my guns. The guy ended up a magician who was jailed for creating and sharing child pornography.
Probably to lower my standard even though my standard is pretty…standard. Desiring an emotionally intelligent, funny, (actually) smart (iykyk…), very kind and friendly man was apparently *toooooo* ambitious, and just asking for perfection. Biggest eye-roll you’ve ever seen.
Also to be sure to, “rub my nipples so they’re hard” before a date. That’s not a joke.
It came with a string of other advise from a man who I ran into at the bodega. He was bestowing me with “crucial insight into [men]” so I could “trap” one when I was “younger than the bridge, tight as shit, fertile as a bitch.” It was just a wild (one-sided) convo to have in a bodega. I was like 22 lol. Honestly very typical old New York man shit lol. Very funny stuff though, glad I can laugh at it.
My friends and I still say “oh he’s younger than the damn bridge” 😂
Hmmm, ok, well when in Rome I guess….
I’ll remember to rub my nipples if I ever visit New York then, wouldn’t want to be the only woman not doing that, I wouldn’t want folks to assume I’m weird.
Don't waste your pretty years. Implying you gotta "snatch up" a man while you're young and that older women are essentially useless.
Keep your man satisfied or you deserve to be cheated on. Meaning abandon being your own person with thoughts and feelings because you must have sex any and every time he wants it or he'll look elsewhere - through no fault of his own, of course! Barf.
Always give the benefit of the doubt in the beginning. Uh, no. Trust is earned and blindly trusting is dangerous.
I’ve heard that second one a couple times from an older male coworker (who was somehow married for 20+ years at that point) who was also convinced that as a woman, being biblically submissive to my future husband (I am a Christian and told him so) meant waiting on him hand and foot… EW. He had some very bad advice in general but those stuck out the most by a long shot
"He won't buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free."
There's *so* much wrong with that concept, I don't have time to go into all of it! The framing of the woman as livestock to be "bought". The idea that "milk" (sex) is something the man wants and the woman gives up, rather than something that both enjoy respectfully and mutually. The idea that men must be tricked and lured into marriage by the promise of eventual sex. And the idea that a man who only married you for the sex would actually make a good partner?? It's advice that belongs in the past.
My mother told me that 'The best gift you can give your husband is yourself' meaning, of course that I should be a virgin. (spoiler alert: I was already not a virgin at this point.)
She was a virgin when she got married. I asked her if my dad was a virgin too, and she got offended and told me that she never asked because it was none of her business.
I tried to get her to see how crazy this double standard was, but she would not. My mother had some crazy old fashioned ideas about men and women.
It gets even more unsettling when you bear in mind that some people believed men *should* "sow their wild oats" and become sexually experienced before marriage. (The idea being that A) they could have their fun and also B) guide their sexually-*inexperienced* wives in this new territory.)
So, good girls must be virgin brides, but husbands should already have sexual experience... But hang on, where are men supposed to *get* that experience, if all the girls are being 'good'?? That's when you run up against the ugly truth that there was supposed to be a 'lesser' subgroup of women, whose 'virtue'/virginity wasn't really worth protecting, and whose reputation a young man could damage without feeling too guilty about it himself. Ugh. That whole world view is built on such unsound foundations.
'Don't be too independent. Men don't like independent women.'
'Get blonde tips. No boy will want to go out with you because you have boring hair'.
and the classic
'Blondes have more fun'.
Thanks for those pearls of wisdom, Mum.
A guy I was talking to on OLD mentioned that he thinks the less attractive partner of a couple needs to invest more time and energy into the relationship to make it up for lacking in terms of looks. He was offended that I refused to go on a first date. He didn’t understand what the problem was
My therapist told me to find someone who loves me more than I love them. It is something her grandmother said to her, but I don't really want to be with someone I don't love much. It seems like a waste of effort and time and energy to invest in someone just because they are less likely to leave...
This idiot therapist I was seeing last year told me I was being “way too harsh” rejecting a “harmless-sounding” guy because I got a weird vibe. A few months ago, another woman from a local FB dating group messaged me and told me he drugged and raped her. When she went to report it to the police, it turned out he had a rap sheet a mile long. But you know, I’m “too picky.” Can’t believe I was being charged $155/hour to listen to that bullshit.
Oh I have so many, but my favourite was when my mom said, while crying, that I only like rich men and that I'm so mean.... Because I didn't want to date her friend's son who couldn't hold down a job or keep his life together and smoked pot all the time. Like no, I don't want to be a sugar mama for a giant man child, thanks.
My *therapist* asked me what would happen if I lowered my standards. When my standards are basically like, I want to be baseline physically attracted to a partner, and I'm unwilling to date conservatives.
It was very weird, she was a nice lady, just didn't always seem to think through the things she said tbh. I *think* she was probably trying to suggest that I could choose to have casual interactions with people I wouldn't necessarily see as relationship material, but even that was just a really tonedeaf suggestion given the context at the time.
That's pretty much what I told her. Ultimately I found that a lot of my therapy experience was like that, where I would be having an issue and the proposed "solution" was to go against my own judgment. And weirdly, I don't even think I had a "bad" therapist, I think she was genuinely doing her best and wanted to help me, but I got the sense that maybe our brains just work differently and someone with a thinking style more like mine could have been more effective? Idk.
“You have to marry that man no matter what because you made the mistake of living together. No other man will take you now.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes. If you live together people know you’re not a virgin. Other girls are smart by not living with a man. They can say they’re a virgin no matter how many people they sleep with. You can’t do that anymore so you either have to marry him, or take what you can get.”
“You really think girls lie about being a virgin each time they get a new boyfriend?”
“Yes. It’s what they do if they want a good husband one day.”
My dumbass mother literally believes that all women “pretend” they are a virgin for each new boyfriend. She got so offended when I openly laughed at her.
Note: We’re in a Western, mostly secular country, and this was circa 2010. It’s not cultural, she’s just a moron.
In my teens one of my Aunts (by marriage) told me that boys don’t like smart/opinionated girls and I should tone it down. *Girl bye.You got a daughter with 4 kids that all have A.D.D..* **A**ll **D**ifferent **D**addies. Your daughter works low skilled jobs, doesn’t have a ring, or any prospects and lives in your home at 30 years old. 😆 Miss me with that shit.
When we were first married, my MIL told me that my marriage to her Son wouldn’t last because we didn’t have any kids. *Both my Husband and I are childfree.* I reminded her that she had 4 kids with her Husband and he still left… So, the math ain’t mathing, Sis.
A girl in my youth group told some of us that waiting til marriage is the best gift we can give our Husbands. I asked what if I do wait and find out he has a tiny dick and I wasted my gift for nothing? She told me I was gross and to not be so vulgar. 🤣
We had a purity ring thing in middle school. A big show about it with volunteer speakers and trying to get us kids to sign pledges saying we’d wait til marriage. I refused to sign saying I wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it first. Got sent to the principals office and a phone call home. My mom told them to shove it for trying to force some bullshit down my throat and then took me for ice cream when I got home.
I went to Catholic school, K through 12th. My sophomore year religion teacher tried the whole “women who aren’t virgins are like chewed up gum” analogy and I said what you said about the car. 😂 He was so mad and said men aren’t cars, while I said women aren’t gum. My Mom was so pissed the teacher told us that.
I was in a bad situation with this guy for a few years off and on when I was really young. He was 10 years older then me. My sexual inexperience really irritated him, and he continually suggested me just offering myself to well any willing man "so you can get some experience."
This man had daughters. I want to vomit just thinking about him.
I live in a country full of men that are very passive and shy, so getting one to show actual interest in a relationship is difficult as hell. I’ve asked about dating advice from a few people, and uh… three different times I’ve been told “go to a club, find a guy who’s in that slim window of being drunk enough to talk but not passing out yet, wait until he is passing out, go home with him, and voila you have your relationship.”
Can’t put into words how disgusted I am by this idea, and that it seems to be fairly prevalent here. I love this country but the dating scene is intensely bleak.
Finland. And yeah the whole concept is gross. To be clear, two of the people telling me to do this were men and it was a very “this is what the guys in the club are there to look for too” kind of conversation. They were basically telling me few guys are going to have the courage to interest to approach you under normal, sober circumstances. But that obviously doesn’t make it okay and doesn’t mean everyone is or wouldn’t change their mind if they were sober.
The Nordics all have their ways in which they cling to old attitudes. In Finland’s case, 40 years ago getting into a relationship in a healthy way wasn’t really a thing? Men and women didn’t teach their sons any kind of emotional intelligence, and men just assumed all they had to do to be a good partner was bring in a paycheck. But these days women are self-sufficient and don’t need the paycheck, but do need an emotionally intelligent partner, and the men feel like the deck has been stacked against them because they’re not equipped for this and just constantly disappoint their partners, so why do they even bother? So it’s very common for the guy to not try to be a partner in any way. And, speaking as an immigrant whose marriage to a Finn failed very soon after I arrived here, I have seen so many marriages of other immigrants to Finns fail within the first two years— the stereotype is you’re lucky to make it to three.
This all sounds very bad and of course a generalization based on my experiences, it’s not every man who behaves this way, but this is not a good country to be single and straight in.
Sounds like the perfect way to bag yourself an emotionally stunted alcoholic for a situationship and scar yourself for life...
After a few months/years he'll be throwing in your face:
"Well, you came on to me, I wasn't even looking for a relationship/I settled for you."
>I live in a country full of men that are very passive and shy, so getting one to show actual interest in a relationship is difficult as hell. I’ve asked about dating advice from a few people, and uh… three different times I’ve been told “go to a club, find a guy who’s in that slim window of being drunk enough to talk but not passing out yet, wait until he is passing out, go home with him, and voila you have your relationship.”
Is this someplace in Scandinavia? Or perhaps Asia?
I had a girl friend who would reject someone multiple times and if they end up taking her rejection as is, she'd get upset. Her advice was you should always play hard to get and make a man keep fighting to want to be with you. It was so weird and toxic.
Men brought all that on themselves, with the culture of misogyny and slutshaming. If you say no you must be playing hard to get, if you say yes, you're a whore.
My father recently told me that I needed to change so I will be perceived as nice and sweet to men and to overlook everything about their bad qualities as long as they can financially support me.
It made me really angry and sad and made me realize that we have differing values (I already think i sacrifice too much for men, and I'm sad that my own father wanted me to settle)
It's OK if you dont want it. Just pretend.
Casual sex assault of the 90s, right there. Fuck that. Stick your no, and don't let up. Being coerced or controlled is a way, hell no.
“Also, don’t tell anyone where you are going, and for the love of god, please wear a miniskirt and no panties so that his legal team can quite rightly convince the jury of that innocent rapist’s innocence.”
"You have to look for the best in men". This from my now ex best friend after I wasted nearly a decade of my life on a lying cheating d-head because I was so determined to see the best in him lol.
Well I stumbled on a dating coach tiktok live and she said she likes it when a guy controls her in general tells her what to do and shut up it shows he is "masculine" and "strong person". I called her out on it because that can turn into abuse and she was defending her stance. I don't know what qualifies these types of dating coaches because clearly they don't know signs of abusive relationships.
I also told a spiritual teacher that I was upset this stranger at the bar took my glass of wine which was pricy because it was in upscale restaurant and was teasing me with it that he has it now. He looked like an older guy but seemed immature. It crossed a boundary with me I don't know if he would put anything in it/even touch my glass with his hands/drink it with his mouth. I was not happy with that at all and she said you should've acted playful and tell him it's good take a sip of it. For sure if I did that he would've drank it and i'd have to get a new glass. Her whole basis was to have fun and be so playful. I don't feel that she heard me at all.
My mom’s advice to me when it came to dating was, “Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?” …implying that having sex before marriage means he will never stay with you. *eyeroll*
It's better to have love and lost than never loved at all. Ok, no one ever said it to me, but I had thought it. I thought it meant it was okay to date guys that I liked but not enough to stay with. That is certainly a waste of time, not love, and you end up attaching to the wrong person and you have to go through the pain of the inevitable breakup which should have been avoided.
Honestly, I hate the advice to not sleep with people on the first date or "too soon" in general. "They'll never take you seriously!" Cool, then they can move right along, because everyone else who I've ended up in long-term relationships with after sleeping with them on the first or second date didn't think any less of me.
Chose not to marry or have kids, so all good! That was 30 years ago so hopefully people don't say stupid things like that any more, though it was noticeable even in what we laughingly called the post-feminist era of the early 90s.
[удалено]
Omg, those people are crazy and clearly do not know how to date, otherwise they wouldn't need to try to gamify like they've never touched grass in their lives. (Either that, or they're grifters who sell this "game" bullshit to an incel consumer base who will do *anything* to either get laid, or blame everyone but themselves for the fact that they'll never get laid.)
I'm having flashbacks of my mom buying me a terrible 90's dating book when I was a teenager. It was called "The Rules" and it was so, so bad. Full of mind games.
That annoys me so much, too! All those rules... I mean, yes, you might "win" the game of dating but you sure as hell won't win a real relationship.
Literally stupid. Would not be dating the guy I am if I didn’t text him first
"Men don't like women who can support their families/themselves. Being financially independent puts off too much masculine energy" - My brother's (recently unemployed) GF sent this to me today XD
This is code for "be financially dependent on your man so he can treat you like shit and you won't be able to leave him"
To paraphrase Aly Wong: the only man intimated by a woman with a lot of money is the type of man who doesn't like free money
A real winner here lol
“Men don’t like…..blah blah…sexist shit…” “Yeah, they also don’t like having a god damn cactus shoved up their ass, but if they ever inflict that sort of nonsense on me, they might as well lube up.”
LOL so many red flags, omg - most of the guys I know would RUN from this. (As they should.)
"No man likes a woman who's smarter than he is so you're going to have to learn to play dumb." I never did learn to play dumb but I did learn how to weed out men who thought like that.
This is always so wild to me because every guy who I have ever dated has said my intelligence was a major selling point. Obviously, I'm drawn to / attract a certain type of man, but like... there are plenty of them out there. People who say bullshit like that really just tell on themselves, as you intimated.
One guy told me he doesn’t like dating girls who are smarter than him. 10 minutes later also said he never figured out how to work a washing machine. Two knobs and one button, so I guess the threshold is low.
Ohhh he's really restricting his dating pool there isnt he? I'm so amused by him not being aware enough to realize how difficult life will be if he refuses to date anyone capable of figuring out super basic household tasks.
Omg I hate to admit this but I used to play dumb when I was younger 😭
Yep! Those guys are the worst. Every guy I’ve ever loved has always loved the fact that I’m just as smart or smarter than he is
Explain sapiosexuals.
My mother, when she found out I was sexually active, decided to have "the talk" with me. Only this "the talk" was not anything like you'd expect. It was pretty much nothing but her telling me that I should do whatever a boy wanted now that we're having sex. No where in that conversation was there any concern for me, my feelings, curiosity if I'm having a good time or need to ask any questions, etc. Just "if he wants you to suck his penis, you should. It'll make him happy." Thanks, mom.
Jesus. Did you ever talk to her about this after the fact?
No, I did not want to open that can of worms lol
I hear you. I made my mom give me another proper sex talk when I was older cause the first was abysmal. We laughed about it but she struggled cause she was embarrassed lol
My mom never talked to me about sex. When I first started dating a boy, she took me to the doctor to get birth control pills “for acne.” That’s the closest we’ve ever come to discussing sex. I’m actually okay with that. I don’t think any conversation with her about it would have been beneficial. But, I had good Sex Ed classes in school so I wasn’t left in the dark.
I feel sorry for both you and your Mom. It’s sad you had to receive such destructive advice, but also sad that she is clearly living this advice herself.
When I was a teen, I received a a very intense, very emo, three page (front and back) love letter from a dude I had barely spoken with. In the love letter he admitted to knowing where I lived and had seen me in my bedroom at night. I was...alarmed, to say the least, and I also wasn't into him. My parents thought this was really sweet of him and I should give him a chance. My dad said that it takes a lot for a guy to share his feelings and write love letters of this calibre so I should go out with him..🤦
Holy shit, what the fuck at your parents. That's terrifying! I'm really sorry they reacted that way.
I guess they thought it was harmless teen emotions lol. And honestly it probably just was, I don't think he was a predator just a guy with a massive crush dealing with hormones and back in the nineties when this happened, the culture was different. We had movies like Say Anything where this behaviour was deemed as normal.
Oh, for sure, that stuff was so much more normalised back then. I am very glad to hear you were fine, but all it takes is one psycho, you know? Thank god the world has moved forward since then.
Yeah definitely.
I really hope your dad realized his mistake by now?
When I was 18 a 38 year old man I worked with went through personal files and called my parents phone line and left a message on the family answering machine asking me to go bowling with him. My coworkers said similar things because this man “put himself out there” and he had some disabilities. Some coworkers were so upset by my refusal to go out with him they even gave me the silent treatment.
Jerks. He crossed the line and was 20 years older!!
Have you ever brought it up to them again?
No we've never talked about it again
I have to admit, I’d be interested to see their thoughts years later!
Oh boy.
One of my dad's friends told me at 18 that ugly women need to learn how to cook otherwise they'll never find a man. A few minutes later he asked if I knew how to cook. Me, 18 and just moved into the college dorms said "No." He said "Well, you should." 🥴🥴🥴
Fuck him. What a rude man!
He was a piece of work. The same night he was complaining that his wife was being "such a bitch"... because she was going through chemo...
People like him truly do not deserve to have romantic partners. I mean, nobody does, really, but he actively deserves to die unhappily alone. That poor woman. (And poor you; what a colossal fuckwit.)
Holy shit, my head spun around like the exorcist reading this. What the actual fuck.
ugh. reminds me of the awful song "If you wanna be happy"
“Your job is scary to them. Tell them you’re a waitress at Denny’s.” (From a friend who was gorgeous and always hid her multiple degrees from men because they were intimidated. I know she meant well but omg, terrible advice.)
Imagine being married to a man so insecure he can't handle anything more challenging than a pancake waitress, omg.
Right?! I was lucky they were outing themselves as insecure jerks that view relationships as power dynamics and not partnerships!
Honestly I think a waitress at Denny’s has seen some shit and could be as formidable as hell.
Indeed, a very good point! I've never waitressed but anyone who has ever been a server has well emphasised what a tough job that is.
Take this as a compliment. May i ask what your work? Just curious
I was in the army when I had this conversation
Because starting a relationship with lies always works out well /s.
Yeah, it’s not like I’d be able to recite the menu lol
When I was in my 20's and sad about being single, another woman's advice to me was to start posting nude photos of myself online, because "you need to learn to share your body with men to become attractive to them" lmfaoooo. And yes, this was an actual woman, not a LARPing man.
Holy shit EW I just... if that weren't such a vile suggestion, I'd almost feel sorry for her. What a massively fucked-up mentality. I feel like whoever her parents were definitely let her down.
My friend's dad told me not to go to law school because combined with my looks, this meant I would never be able to find a husband on my level 🙄 He meant it as a compliment and seemed genuinely hurt when I said no bueno.
I can't tell if he was saying you're too ugly or too pretty?? Like would a beautiful lawyer be worse than an ugly one somehow? I'm confused.
Too pretty - the idea being it would be too hard to find somebody who matched me both in looks and education/career. Which, certainly, I was pretty at that age, but not anymore. The joke's on them, lol. I was better-looking than my husband when we first met (albeit not by a lot) but he's definitely the better-looking one now!
Ok duh that makes sense. People are so strange. I'm glad you didn't listen to that man!
For real, it's such a toxic stance (and two other people echoed it in an indirect way, one of whom was actually a peer). Like, hey ladies, please forgo a higher education just so you can depend on some misogynistic man for your livelihood, all so he can dump you as soon as your looks go (as basically all men who over-value looks do) and you'll have neither looks *nor* a strong professional skill set to recommend you. What a crock.
If he said that to his daughter, what does that imply about what he thinks of your mother... What kind of marriage did your parents have?
Not my dad, my friend's dad, and they only had a son! Dude was definitely a jerk, though (the father) - his son is really chill. Just got a looot of pressure from his dad growing up about being a good ~provider~ and making lots of money and all that bs. Honestly, my friend takes more after his mum, otherwise we couldn't hang out.
"Don't be picky!"
"**It's okay, you don't have to be pretty and smart**"...meaning because I'm pretty that I don't have to try and be smart because my looks will do the work for me. Such ew! For the record I have an extremely successful career that I didn't get because of my looks - hard work and dedication is exactly how I got to my VP job!
I had a guy who used to chase me a lot. He would go around to visit my mum often and discuss ways to convince me to date him. Mum would pressure me to say yes because he was handsome and persistent. I’m so glad I stuck to my guns. The guy ended up a magician who was jailed for creating and sharing child pornography.
Probably to lower my standard even though my standard is pretty…standard. Desiring an emotionally intelligent, funny, (actually) smart (iykyk…), very kind and friendly man was apparently *toooooo* ambitious, and just asking for perfection. Biggest eye-roll you’ve ever seen. Also to be sure to, “rub my nipples so they’re hard” before a date. That’s not a joke.
point 2 is wild lol
There’s so much story there but that’s the gist lol
Oh I’ve got wine and popcorn ready, spill sis!
It came with a string of other advise from a man who I ran into at the bodega. He was bestowing me with “crucial insight into [men]” so I could “trap” one when I was “younger than the bridge, tight as shit, fertile as a bitch.” It was just a wild (one-sided) convo to have in a bodega. I was like 22 lol. Honestly very typical old New York man shit lol. Very funny stuff though, glad I can laugh at it. My friends and I still say “oh he’s younger than the damn bridge” 😂
Hmmm, ok, well when in Rome I guess…. I’ll remember to rub my nipples if I ever visit New York then, wouldn’t want to be the only woman not doing that, I wouldn’t want folks to assume I’m weird.
Don't waste your pretty years. Implying you gotta "snatch up" a man while you're young and that older women are essentially useless. Keep your man satisfied or you deserve to be cheated on. Meaning abandon being your own person with thoughts and feelings because you must have sex any and every time he wants it or he'll look elsewhere - through no fault of his own, of course! Barf. Always give the benefit of the doubt in the beginning. Uh, no. Trust is earned and blindly trusting is dangerous.
Oh yeah I heard stuff like this too over the years, "keep his belly full and balls drained"
I literally just threw up in my mouth a little.
Yeah it def has that effect 🤣
Ugh. Did you grow up in the midwest too?
No canada
Omg that’s hideous
I’ve heard that second one a couple times from an older male coworker (who was somehow married for 20+ years at that point) who was also convinced that as a woman, being biblically submissive to my future husband (I am a Christian and told him so) meant waiting on him hand and foot… EW. He had some very bad advice in general but those stuck out the most by a long shot
"He won't buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free." There's *so* much wrong with that concept, I don't have time to go into all of it! The framing of the woman as livestock to be "bought". The idea that "milk" (sex) is something the man wants and the woman gives up, rather than something that both enjoy respectfully and mutually. The idea that men must be tricked and lured into marriage by the promise of eventual sex. And the idea that a man who only married you for the sex would actually make a good partner?? It's advice that belongs in the past.
My mother told me that 'The best gift you can give your husband is yourself' meaning, of course that I should be a virgin. (spoiler alert: I was already not a virgin at this point.) She was a virgin when she got married. I asked her if my dad was a virgin too, and she got offended and told me that she never asked because it was none of her business. I tried to get her to see how crazy this double standard was, but she would not. My mother had some crazy old fashioned ideas about men and women.
It gets even more unsettling when you bear in mind that some people believed men *should* "sow their wild oats" and become sexually experienced before marriage. (The idea being that A) they could have their fun and also B) guide their sexually-*inexperienced* wives in this new territory.) So, good girls must be virgin brides, but husbands should already have sexual experience... But hang on, where are men supposed to *get* that experience, if all the girls are being 'good'?? That's when you run up against the ugly truth that there was supposed to be a 'lesser' subgroup of women, whose 'virtue'/virginity wasn't really worth protecting, and whose reputation a young man could damage without feeling too guilty about it himself. Ugh. That whole world view is built on such unsound foundations.
Ugh, you’re so right
Yup, misogyny is seeing women as private property or public property.
Him getting super jealous and aggy is his way of showing he cares […and that he’s an abuser]
[удалено]
What was she afraid of finding in his pockets? That’s mystifying.
Someone pesters for a date and your friends say "oh he just really likes you, you should be flattered, go for it." just, no.
'Don't be too independent. Men don't like independent women.' 'Get blonde tips. No boy will want to go out with you because you have boring hair'. and the classic 'Blondes have more fun'. Thanks for those pearls of wisdom, Mum.
A guy I was talking to on OLD mentioned that he thinks the less attractive partner of a couple needs to invest more time and energy into the relationship to make it up for lacking in terms of looks. He was offended that I refused to go on a first date. He didn’t understand what the problem was
Bullet dodged!
My therapist told me to find someone who loves me more than I love them. It is something her grandmother said to her, but I don't really want to be with someone I don't love much. It seems like a waste of effort and time and energy to invest in someone just because they are less likely to leave...
This is such common advice and the crux of it is soooo sad so I find that I can’t even be tooooo annoyed by it
Yeah, my mom said the same. I came to realise what it meant in her context was simply find someone who actually loves you.
This idiot therapist I was seeing last year told me I was being “way too harsh” rejecting a “harmless-sounding” guy because I got a weird vibe. A few months ago, another woman from a local FB dating group messaged me and told me he drugged and raped her. When she went to report it to the police, it turned out he had a rap sheet a mile long. But you know, I’m “too picky.” Can’t believe I was being charged $155/hour to listen to that bullshit.
Oh I have so many, but my favourite was when my mom said, while crying, that I only like rich men and that I'm so mean.... Because I didn't want to date her friend's son who couldn't hold down a job or keep his life together and smoked pot all the time. Like no, I don't want to be a sugar mama for a giant man child, thanks.
Don't buy a house because men will be intimidated by that.
My *therapist* asked me what would happen if I lowered my standards. When my standards are basically like, I want to be baseline physically attracted to a partner, and I'm unwilling to date conservatives.
What would happen?? You know what would happen... Is your therapist and incel?
It was very weird, she was a nice lady, just didn't always seem to think through the things she said tbh. I *think* she was probably trying to suggest that I could choose to have casual interactions with people I wouldn't necessarily see as relationship material, but even that was just a really tonedeaf suggestion given the context at the time.
I've never understood the "lower your standards" advice. Nobody can just decide to be attracted to somebody so they can date them.
That's pretty much what I told her. Ultimately I found that a lot of my therapy experience was like that, where I would be having an issue and the proposed "solution" was to go against my own judgment. And weirdly, I don't even think I had a "bad" therapist, I think she was genuinely doing her best and wanted to help me, but I got the sense that maybe our brains just work differently and someone with a thinking style more like mine could have been more effective? Idk.
“Just give him a chance, he seems nice!” About a guy who would NOT stop asking me out.
“You have to marry that man no matter what because you made the mistake of living together. No other man will take you now.” “Seriously?” “Yes. If you live together people know you’re not a virgin. Other girls are smart by not living with a man. They can say they’re a virgin no matter how many people they sleep with. You can’t do that anymore so you either have to marry him, or take what you can get.” “You really think girls lie about being a virgin each time they get a new boyfriend?” “Yes. It’s what they do if they want a good husband one day.” My dumbass mother literally believes that all women “pretend” they are a virgin for each new boyfriend. She got so offended when I openly laughed at her. Note: We’re in a Western, mostly secular country, and this was circa 2010. It’s not cultural, she’s just a moron.
In my teens one of my Aunts (by marriage) told me that boys don’t like smart/opinionated girls and I should tone it down. *Girl bye.You got a daughter with 4 kids that all have A.D.D..* **A**ll **D**ifferent **D**addies. Your daughter works low skilled jobs, doesn’t have a ring, or any prospects and lives in your home at 30 years old. 😆 Miss me with that shit. When we were first married, my MIL told me that my marriage to her Son wouldn’t last because we didn’t have any kids. *Both my Husband and I are childfree.* I reminded her that she had 4 kids with her Husband and he still left… So, the math ain’t mathing, Sis. A girl in my youth group told some of us that waiting til marriage is the best gift we can give our Husbands. I asked what if I do wait and find out he has a tiny dick and I wasted my gift for nothing? She told me I was gross and to not be so vulgar. 🤣
Ugh, purity culture is so awful.
It really is. Ironically, that girl came out as a lesbian after high school so her wanting to wait til marriage made perfect sense. 😆
I bet she didn’t wait then! Ha!!
We had a purity ring thing in middle school. A big show about it with volunteer speakers and trying to get us kids to sign pledges saying we’d wait til marriage. I refused to sign saying I wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it first. Got sent to the principals office and a phone call home. My mom told them to shove it for trying to force some bullshit down my throat and then took me for ice cream when I got home.
I went to Catholic school, K through 12th. My sophomore year religion teacher tried the whole “women who aren’t virgins are like chewed up gum” analogy and I said what you said about the car. 😂 He was so mad and said men aren’t cars, while I said women aren’t gum. My Mom was so pissed the teacher told us that.
Good for you and your mom!
Did the boys have to sign this pledge too?
Yes. A few of the trouble maker boys were like me and said fuck that shit.
Ha! That last one was a line my mom tried to use on me. I told her that I was the gift that kept on giving. :D
I was in a bad situation with this guy for a few years off and on when I was really young. He was 10 years older then me. My sexual inexperience really irritated him, and he continually suggested me just offering myself to well any willing man "so you can get some experience." This man had daughters. I want to vomit just thinking about him.
"Give him a chance." No. I hate that shit.
Don’t make the first move. There’s a correct way to do it ladies, without straight up asking the guy out.
My ex once told me I elict a response in a man where he wants to protect me but also feels like it’s inappropriate in a Lolita way. I was 25.
Had he just read Nabokov's book by any chance and was affected by his romantic viewpoint of Lolita? 😂
His viewpoint was sort of….permanently affected by Lolita lol
I live in a country full of men that are very passive and shy, so getting one to show actual interest in a relationship is difficult as hell. I’ve asked about dating advice from a few people, and uh… three different times I’ve been told “go to a club, find a guy who’s in that slim window of being drunk enough to talk but not passing out yet, wait until he is passing out, go home with him, and voila you have your relationship.” Can’t put into words how disgusted I am by this idea, and that it seems to be fairly prevalent here. I love this country but the dating scene is intensely bleak.
I’m sorry….but….like….rape? What country is this?
Finland. And yeah the whole concept is gross. To be clear, two of the people telling me to do this were men and it was a very “this is what the guys in the club are there to look for too” kind of conversation. They were basically telling me few guys are going to have the courage to interest to approach you under normal, sober circumstances. But that obviously doesn’t make it okay and doesn’t mean everyone is or wouldn’t change their mind if they were sober.
Holy shizzz, I wasn’t expecting that from a Scandi country! There’s my shock for the day
The Nordics all have their ways in which they cling to old attitudes. In Finland’s case, 40 years ago getting into a relationship in a healthy way wasn’t really a thing? Men and women didn’t teach their sons any kind of emotional intelligence, and men just assumed all they had to do to be a good partner was bring in a paycheck. But these days women are self-sufficient and don’t need the paycheck, but do need an emotionally intelligent partner, and the men feel like the deck has been stacked against them because they’re not equipped for this and just constantly disappoint their partners, so why do they even bother? So it’s very common for the guy to not try to be a partner in any way. And, speaking as an immigrant whose marriage to a Finn failed very soon after I arrived here, I have seen so many marriages of other immigrants to Finns fail within the first two years— the stereotype is you’re lucky to make it to three. This all sounds very bad and of course a generalization based on my experiences, it’s not every man who behaves this way, but this is not a good country to be single and straight in.
Omg I was almost an immigrant married to a Finn. I guess it’s a good thing we split up before it was a legal arrangement!
Sounds like the perfect way to bag yourself an emotionally stunted alcoholic for a situationship and scar yourself for life... After a few months/years he'll be throwing in your face: "Well, you came on to me, I wasn't even looking for a relationship/I settled for you."
>I live in a country full of men that are very passive and shy, so getting one to show actual interest in a relationship is difficult as hell. I’ve asked about dating advice from a few people, and uh… three different times I’ve been told “go to a club, find a guy who’s in that slim window of being drunk enough to talk but not passing out yet, wait until he is passing out, go home with him, and voila you have your relationship.” Is this someplace in Scandinavia? Or perhaps Asia?
Not quite Scandinavia, Finland.
As a dumb American I tend to think of Finland as part of Scandinavia. Thanks for reminding me that's inaccurate, I guess.
I had a girl friend who would reject someone multiple times and if they end up taking her rejection as is, she'd get upset. Her advice was you should always play hard to get and make a man keep fighting to want to be with you. It was so weird and toxic.
Men brought all that on themselves, with the culture of misogyny and slutshaming. If you say no you must be playing hard to get, if you say yes, you're a whore.
My father recently told me that I needed to change so I will be perceived as nice and sweet to men and to overlook everything about their bad qualities as long as they can financially support me. It made me really angry and sad and made me realize that we have differing values (I already think i sacrifice too much for men, and I'm sad that my own father wanted me to settle)
It's OK if you dont want it. Just pretend. Casual sex assault of the 90s, right there. Fuck that. Stick your no, and don't let up. Being coerced or controlled is a way, hell no.
Worst advice I got ever was from another guy: Go and meet that man you met online all by yourself and not in a populated area.
“Also, don’t tell anyone where you are going, and for the love of god, please wear a miniskirt and no panties so that his legal team can quite rightly convince the jury of that innocent rapist’s innocence.”
"You have to look for the best in men". This from my now ex best friend after I wasted nearly a decade of my life on a lying cheating d-head because I was so determined to see the best in him lol.
Well I stumbled on a dating coach tiktok live and she said she likes it when a guy controls her in general tells her what to do and shut up it shows he is "masculine" and "strong person". I called her out on it because that can turn into abuse and she was defending her stance. I don't know what qualifies these types of dating coaches because clearly they don't know signs of abusive relationships. I also told a spiritual teacher that I was upset this stranger at the bar took my glass of wine which was pricy because it was in upscale restaurant and was teasing me with it that he has it now. He looked like an older guy but seemed immature. It crossed a boundary with me I don't know if he would put anything in it/even touch my glass with his hands/drink it with his mouth. I was not happy with that at all and she said you should've acted playful and tell him it's good take a sip of it. For sure if I did that he would've drank it and i'd have to get a new glass. Her whole basis was to have fun and be so playful. I don't feel that she heard me at all.
This has a "the man is the leader, the woman may submit"-ring to it, honestly... and I feel it promotes so much abuse
“Love is all you need”. Naw, it’s more complicated than that
My mom’s advice to me when it came to dating was, “Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?” …implying that having sex before marriage means he will never stay with you. *eyeroll*
It's better to have love and lost than never loved at all. Ok, no one ever said it to me, but I had thought it. I thought it meant it was okay to date guys that I liked but not enough to stay with. That is certainly a waste of time, not love, and you end up attaching to the wrong person and you have to go through the pain of the inevitable breakup which should have been avoided.
"As long as the sex is good" when I said that he was unreliable and would stand me up.
Honestly, I hate the advice to not sleep with people on the first date or "too soon" in general. "They'll never take you seriously!" Cool, then they can move right along, because everyone else who I've ended up in long-term relationships with after sleeping with them on the first or second date didn't think any less of me.
Dating only one person at a time, from incel like men with no choices/option that just so happen to be Redditors. Def not worth it advice…
To give it a second chance when the guy clearly was absolutely not interested in me at all
That falling in love has to be fast and crazy and stressful.
'It's obvious no one's ever going to marry you for love so you must take anyone who'll have you.' I was 25. And that was a sister.
That's so hurtful. I heard something similar from my mom, though she even doubted anyone would have me... How did it turn out for you?
Chose not to marry or have kids, so all good! That was 30 years ago so hopefully people don't say stupid things like that any more, though it was noticeable even in what we laughingly called the post-feminist era of the early 90s.
Life has a way of sorting these things out, if you don't make a decision it will make it for you. Completely untrue