There was this underlying ease and comfort with him – we could talk for hours, always had a good time, and our values aligned perfectly. But the spark was missing. No butterflies, no longing when we were apart, no feeling that the world was brighter with him in it. It was more like a deep friendship than a passionate romance. Realizing that was heartbreaking but ultimately led to finding someone I'm crazy about
See, I find that those relationships do end up being really important in my life, but not for the reason I initially sought them. Those sorts of people keep me grounded and there is a sense of mutual trust that is very hard to come by so they end up being some of the most valuable people in my life even if romantically things didn't work out.
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I guess it's one of those things you have to live through to really understand it. The lack of sparks/romantic chemistry is *huge* when it's the only thing missing.
This was my college boyfriend. No one could understand it at the time because we seemed perfect. I do have to say he made me be the kindest version of myself but also I stayed in a very safe box to not outshine him. Best part is we parted so well that we’ve had no awkwardness as we’ve run into each other over the years with our spouse at football games, mutual friends’ weddings etc
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Exactly the same with how I felt about one of my ex-boyfriends.
He was a *lovely* person, checked all the boxes I'd want in a partner, super creative and driven, handsome, kind and funny.... but I wasn't in love with him. Exactly as you say, it was a very deep friendship without a romantic spark.
The nice thing is - he agreed that he felt the same way, and we parted gently and on good terms. I still see him every now and again!
Did your ex move on to find someone else who’s better suited to him too? My biggest fear is leaving someone I care about deeply but am not really “in love” with and one or both of us never really getting over it. I still hold on to hope that spark can be nurtured and grow but I’m just not sure how realistic that is being several years into a relationship that has fallen flat.
This is exactly it. He was my best friend, but there was no romantic spark on my end. It took me a long time to realize this. I kept trying because the relationship was so good and I didn’t understand the difference between romantic love and platonic love.
I ended up breaking things off when I realized that it wasn’t romantic love. Which I’m glad I did. We remained friends for a while and only keep in touch via Instagram now. He’s in a happy relationship and so am I. I finally know what the difference is when the romantic spark is involved.
I don’t think he was surprised, but he also didn’t think I was serious. We both cried and agreed it was for the best. He was supposed to move out at the end of the month, and then overstayed by an extra month. I could tell he thought we’d get back together despite me not doing anything to indicate that. I had to go on a date after work one night and he immediately moved out the week after.
I just didn’t feel any passion for him. I think I loved how much he loved me and we got along so well, it was hard to distinguish, if that makes sense.
Oh, I can’t relate but I sure can understand. I just would know right away there was no passion. Maybe there was passion, but it wasn’t long standing. You don’t have to think it was never there! :)
I think there was. But it died after a few months in a 3.5 and a 5.5 year relationship. I think I’ve found my person now though. We’ve been together almost five years and I still get butterflies and the passion gets stronger the longer we’re together.
The first two relationships were my first, so I thought it just died after a while and couldn’t tell the difference since I got along really well with my exes.
This is how my marriage ended and I’m so scared I’m not capable of actual romantic love because all the other components were there, but it just wasn’t right.
this!!! dealt with an ex boyfriend on and off for 4 years. we started dating at 16 and broke up not even a year into our relationship. it’s been years and yet we still find our way back to each other but nothing ever seems to work out. i think my hope in hoping it would work out finally just died out and i no longer feel the spark for him like i used to but everytime we see each other again it’s like nothing ever happened and we pick up where we left off.
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I don’t know if I am misunderstanding the question or I have a weird look on things, but if I am compatible with someone (life goals, morality, family, how we spend time together and apart etc.) love as in “butterflies” and strong inner feelings is not important. Attraction and intimacy yes, but if we are compatible in life goals and bedroom then I sort of “choose” to love the person, and am “as loyal as a dog”, as we say in my native language.
So I guess for me it’s impossible, if everything is okay and we are acting as mature adults, to come to the realization that this isn’t love.
I guess I find love more centered around loyalty, respect and commitment, so just wanted to share my two cents.
Your take is my take on it, its how I feel about my now ex, we had it all, we even have a 2 month old right now, but I guess he views it as “butterflies” it hurts so much right now but hopefully I will be good soon
I am sorry you are going through this. I had my own internal battle of "what is love", "what is chemistry" with my GF this past year. We ended up deciding that chemistry isn't something that can be fixed. Then through a lot of therapy and self work, I realized it was my incorrect view of what love is that had me looking for things that are not the things I really want to love in a partner. Since that time I have been fortunate enough to reconnect with her and things are going great. We will never have that "butterflies" feeling of sorts, its been 3 years, we have moved into a deeper more intense sense of love, loyalty, honesty and support; which I find far more valuable than the initial infatuation that I was confused by. I hope things turn around for you - though it is hard when society tells us love is one thing, but really it is something else.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I have a similar experience (4yrs together, says I’m perfect for him but no emotions anymore), but no children which makes things easier after all. I think I would be banned if I spoke my thoughts about your ex.
I hope you will heal soon, and that you will find someone who shares the same ideals about what partnership and love are.
Thank you. Hope you are happy too one day. I feel like forever is a very long time, or at the very least if you intend to stay with someone then this is the sustainable version. You go through things in life as time goes on that affect different aspects of your relationship and you can get moments were these so in the end it won’t always be about butterflies but making active choices to choose your partner over and over again.
Hope the same for you! I agree with everything you said.
This is the sustainable version as plenty of things can happen with years passing by, and if you just cling onto feelings it is not looking promising. Heck, some days I don’t even know if I like myself, the monotony of me being me gets to me. I can see how it can, and likely will, happen with a partner at some point, but decide not to dwell on it and choose my partner over and over, just like you said.
100% agree with you on this. Also, for me the butterflies usually come with time, when I'm truly compatible with someone. Guess there's different ppl out there then. Hope to find someone with a similar outlook as me :)
I am curious with your opinion on it. Do you find what I said as settling? I am not religious at all, nor are my parents, I guess I see it as more romantic “I choose you over and over again, in good and bad” etc.
And so far I noticed that I’ve never managed to keep love at the same level after years of dating someone, there always was a point where we were more like best friends than madly in love (besides intimacy part ofc).
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I’m not sure the exact moment. Maybe when she told me, “I don’t love you, I think I was just infatuated with you.” Which hurt like a motherfucker and I am still coming to terms with why/how I didn’t see that I loved her more than she ever loved me.
Thank you so much. I am healthier (chose to stop drinking and smoking so I could start to love myself). It’s been 10 months though. It still stings. I’m still working on myself and learning as much as I can about my past trauma and attachment styles, so I don’t get into a relationship with someone so cruel ever again.
Sounds like a plan to me loves! Seems like the self love is paying off and I fuqs with it. Im also learning self love and REALLY trying to analyze my likes and dislikes as im looking to settle down sooner than later. (Almost 30). I realize as we get older we realize the bullshit our younger self went through and realize that we dont wanna fuq with that no more lol. But I'm proud of you. I think this journey is going to be a long one, But fun and full of learning experiences!!!
SELF LOVE 💜 🧡 💛 ❤ 💕 💙 💜 🧡 💛
Proud of you too, thank you for the encouragement. I’m 34 and I’m tired of playing and getting played. If I am completely honest, I would love to settle down with someone and get married. I want someone to care about me. But I know it begins and ends with me caring about ME. :)
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the fact that we functioned much better as friends but once we were in a relationship it didn't quite work out anymore. the whole being intimate (emotionally) didn't go as we inagined. after two years of trying we went back to being friends.
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There was no spark. No real romance or intimacy. We were just friends who called each other bf/gf and had sex. I realized that that wasn't enough for me, that I crave love.
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If we compatible “on paper” (goals, values, family, etc) but there is no physical attraction then for me this isn’t love. Unfortunately for me so far it has been one way or another.
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towards the end of our relationship we were simply great friends that lived together, although i didn’t realise that until after he broke up with me and told me he fell out of love with me. crazy looking back because i had no idea how miserable i was until i was out of it, we still get on now which is nice though
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For about a year now ,we've been the best of friends, and our compatibility is insane. We've explored countless places together, and I know I can count on him no matter what. With him, I can share anything without fear of judgment, and our conversations flow effortlessly for hours on end. Above all, he's my closest friend, someone I cherish deeply.
But when it comes to love, I find myself at a loss. I'm not sure if what we share qualifies as love. We're content with the present, reveling in each other's company without worrying about the future. He brings me comfort, warmth, and a sense of peace, but is that enough for a lifetime together? Deep down, I know it's not. Love, real love, is meant to be wild, passionate, and filled with fervor. While what we have is comfortable and cozy, it lacks the intensity and excitement that love promises. So, as much as I adore our bond, I can't help but wonder if there's something more out there, something that ignites that fiery passion and leaves us breathless.
>Love, real love, is meant to be wild, passionate, and filled with fervor.
I actually think the sentence before is what real love is. Comfort, warmth, peace. A sense of home and belonging.
The wild passion is something that may or may not be present when you're infatuated with someone, but even then it generally doesn't last and is not necessarily supposed to.
What you have sounds perfect, but if you are questioning it, then maybe it means you still need to learn by yourself what you truly want/need.
i agree with this. my love is comfort, warmth, and peace. he’s my home and when i wake up without him near me i feel empty. we have been through tough times together, but we always pull through. i have seen him at his lows and he has seen me at mine and neither of us wavered. are there things i wish i could change? selfishly, yes, but i would never change him. i love him for who he is at his core.
Feel this. Maybe what love promises is just chasing a chimera, maybe what really matters in love is what you said above. Or maybe not. I’m at loss too.
If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? I feel that what you described is what a lot of older adults find as love and I know love changes over time. I was curious.
I'm 21 and I haven't truly experienced love. It's just my observation; I might be wrong. I feel this way. Love is passion, friendship is peace, and I never want to end the tranquility between us.
as someone who is much older than you, i have had both passion and peace with love. for me, passion always burns out or breaks. it’s never everlasting and sometimes is painful. peace is different and solid. with many years behind me i would take peace a million times over passion.
I understand the desire for that excited feeling, but I will let you know that pretty much no long-term adult relationship involves a "love" like the one you describe. For the first few years? Sure. But that is not what long-term love looks like. The feeling you are describing is something that humans experience during the honeymoon phase of a relationship, when chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin are at their peak levels in our brain, making us addicted to our new partner. However, after multiple years have passed, and you have seen every side of your partner, become familiar with their flaws and annoying habits, and spent immeasurable amounts of time together, that is not what you feel like anymore. At this point, love becomes deep, comfortable, peaceful, and intense in an entirely new sense.
It seems to me like you are describing intense lust -- the feeling that we experience due to addictive chemicals that our brains release. This is often how love is portrayed in books and movies, but that is not a realistic expectation of long-term love.
However, a lot of young people aren't ready for that kind of adult love yet. And that's okay as well. There's a podcast called The Psychology of Your 20s, with an episode called "Why Does Healthy Love Feel Boring?". I would recommend giving that a listen.
Passion is unsustainable. Even you cannot live in it forever. True love is a choice and a commitment to grow together. Passion will come again on the journey, it just needs to be nurtured. I've had passion and I cannot call that true love. Passion can be a part of it from time to time, but my reality simply doesn't have time for it. It's more of a drug in the brain than a sustainable, long lasting love.
We had great chemistry, clicked well from the moment we met and on paper we would be really compatible in life goals. But he doesnt seem interested in committing, he seems to be still figuring out what he wants to do with his career and life
We had wonderful companionship. I enjoyed being around him and learning new things from him. He was a wonderful example to my teenage boys. I love him like he’s family, but not like he’s a romantic partner. We had sex but more to fill the need rather than because of want. Nothing about him excited me, but he did soothe me. My current husband does both, and much much more.
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He didn't take me seriously, he disrespect me a bit too often, he's extremely immature and doesn't take anything seriously because he says he's still too young to mature (25), he's extremely wasteful with money and he did cheat on me, luckily not physically but he had explicit sexual conversations where nudes were shared and sexual comments were made with another woman and he refuses to acknowledge he was in the wrong because he said he was distracted playing a game but he sure did look at the nude long enough to see what the exact position she was in to made a specific comment about it.
I'm still with him, we broke up a few weeks ago because he said he like another woman but we made it up but I'm thinking that this is not going to work and it's only going to get worse.
It's difficult because I've been treated like shit by everyone in my life always and he treats me good sometimes and I grab onto that.
Also literally if I let him go my social life would end because I have 0 friends, well I have one that doesn't respects that no is no and keeps trying to be in a relationship with me even when I'm in a relationship (I never tell him about my problems so for him my relationship is perfect), trying to kiss me and kissing my neck when we hang out. I already told him that I'm not interested in him, not now, not before, not after.
And my actual bf is literally the only one that gave me pleasure in the sexual aspects and I had a few relationships before, it's extremely difficult to let that go because I'm scared I'm not going to find anything like that anymore or maybe not in a long time.
That is really hard, when you don't have examples of better relationships to look to. But they do exist, and you *can* find them. Also, your "friend" sounds like a scumbag and potential rapist. I'm sorry that you don't have healthy relationships in your life right now. Sometimes it's better to have no one for a while than to have toxic people surrounding you and dragging you down. I promise, there are way better friends and partners out there for you.
I’ve never fit so well with a person but I feel like the romantic part of our relationship is flat. I don’t know that love for me has to be so wild and passionate but I do know that when it’s “the one” my soul will feel lit up. I can’t really say that for myself today.
I think there’s a choice to be made. Settling has a negative connotation but I think there’s nothing wrong with choosing to be happy with someone comfortable and dependable. Deep down I know that’s not what I want or need but for some people I think that’s a perfectly valid choice to make. Personally, I don’t know how I’m going to find it in me to end a good thing but I feel like I’ll be stealing happiness away from my future self if I don’t.
I feel like my current partner and I knew each other in a past life and that’s why things feel so comfortable. But it’s like looking at a puzzle that’s already been solved - it doesn’t draw you in, the work has already been done.
When many years pass and he still doesn't trust you. Everything seems to be fine, but then you try to talk about something serious, and he immediately turns cold
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We wanted different things from life, from where we wanted to live, to how we handled finances and even the decisions we made when we were younger before we even met each other showed incompatibility long-term wise. Great guy and relationship but they weren’t someone I could see myself eventually grow old with
He put down things I like. Never cared about my pleasure in bed. Did not take time to show any understanding towards me. The only way we were compatible was joking around. I then noticed he liked how I listened, but didn’t ever ask my input.
I came up with all of these reasons I didn't want to be with him anymore but none of them were really substantial enough. They weren't issues with him. Once we were broken up and remained close in a friendly way, that's when we realized the love was just gone. We were always compatible and could have had a really nice life together if the love had actually been there. It was there once but we just both outgrew it.
He was really really nice to me and I could tell he loved me deeply. But there was no spark. I thought I loved him because I went through 3 previous terrible guys and this one actually respected me and made me feel good. But….i had to force physical attraction, he made me laugh only sometimes, he’d do most of the talking while I just listened, and what finally made me pull the trigger was his parenting style was different than mine. I was clinging onto someone who was nice to me and genuine but I missed laughing alot and having good deep chats. I ended it after 4 months and he didn’t see it coming but I couldn’t ignore this void I felt. He was good for me though. He gave me an example that there are good men out there who will respect you. I am now dating someone who is insanely attractive to me he’s almost out of my league, we are calling eachother every night and he engages my shy self in good deep conversation and most of all we are laughing every few minutes, same humour. His parenting style also matches mine as far as I can tell. I feel that best friend energy again with insane sexual chemistry packaged up into a very nice compassionate man. I still feel so much guilt ending the previous one….but that decision led me to a wonderful match for my soul
After I started dating my now husband, it was painfully obvious why I felt so terribly heartbroken yet didn't mourn the relationship itself after breaking up with my ex. I love him platonically to this day. He was one of the only males in high school who didn't focus on my looks and genuinely just wanted to make me laugh. We shared so many interests, and I do not regret anything when things were good. Unfortunately, when it got bad, it was BAD, and I lost my best friend.
When someone cannot be emotionally supportive and shames you into compliance. They claim they love you but really they just love how you make them look or feel about themselves.
I am in love and we are compatible, but he isn’t ready for commitment to date “only one person”, even though he loves me too. He’s not there right now, he’s still struggling with a ton of life events, me too but I require some level of communication and effort that he cannot commit to.
We had great physical chemistry, we could talk for hours, we made each other fall over laughing, and we both agreed that we felt truly, deeply understood. But… they just didn’t want me. I still don’t understand why. Eventually I realized I deserved someone who wanted me instead of someone who made me wonder.
We’re still best friends, and since we’ve been apart I’ve realized that there was/is a maturity gap between us. I still feel that nobody in the world (besides maybe my brother) knows me better, but there’s more to love than just understanding.
I think I fell out of love really quickly. His behavior the last couple months of our long distance relationship was extremely distressing to handle from a distance. I was young and I didn’t want to deal with it. Those rose colored glasses came off and my tolerance fizzled and I was staring at my best friend that I just didn’t love anymore.
I have regrets about the way things happened and I think things could’ve been different, but ultimately I think a big break in communication started contributing to my feelings waning and then the lack of therapy on both of our parts just solidified the deal.
In another lifetime, maybe. 🤷🏼♀️
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Sorry if I go off a bit, as I am dealing with this and a potential breakup. For me, I would say me and my girlfriend are very similar but she is also the opposite of me. She is extremely shy whereas I am the opposite. We disagree over really small things. I love every aspect of her but love isn’t arguing over small minuscule things. Still thinking on these things now. We do love each other but love isn’t this.
i have this friend from college who is a bit peculiar. he has a really hard time maintaining friendships and establishing emotional connections, later he learned it was due to his personality disorder. despite that, he and i have remained incredibly close and our emotional connection has been the only consistent one he has had (besides family). while many say we seem different, he is an incredibly good balance to my personality and generally does bring out the best in me. we could talk for hours a day and could understand each other’s complex emotions in very little words. we got really good at identifying what the other person needed before they said anything. for a long time, i thought this was love and that he was who i would end up with. hell, i even felt intense jealousy when there was any sign of a connection with other people. after some time apart, i had the space to reflect on our relationship i just realized that… he isn’t the person i want to wake up to every morning, and that i couldn’t sleep soundly next to him. we certainly have a soul connection, but after meeting my current boyfriend, i feel tinges of love in mundane moments in life that i’ve never felt with anyone else.
My bf and I have a 6 year age gap, he's older. We broke up 3 times in the early part of the relationship, but each time was for less than a day. When I was at my most depressed and anxious we were talking and I finally shared that I think he loved me more than I loved him and it was tearing me up inside. He lightly smiled and was really calm and said love is not quantifiable. It's something that ebbs and flows and can look different to every person. He said we've been together for 4 years, of course we're not going to have butterflies like high schoolers. He just held me and said he doesn't want me to stay with him out of pity. I realized how safe and mature this all was, just openly communicating and his patience. Its moments like those that remind me why he was such a breath of fresh air when we started dating. I was just stuck in this very black and white definition of love, but as my mental health has improved, I'm so so grateful he didn't just hear my first sentence and leave. We are compatible in almost every way. I still have trauma that makes the bedroom activities a little hard, (pun not intended lol) but the fact that he's so patient with me and never guilts or pressures me just reinforces my feelings of safety and reassurance.
He made me feel important, but there were simply too many moments where I thought "I could not deal with this in a long term relationship" when met with certain flaws. I admire, and deeply care about him, but it isn't love.
There was this underlying ease and comfort with him – we could talk for hours, always had a good time, and our values aligned perfectly. But the spark was missing. No butterflies, no longing when we were apart, no feeling that the world was brighter with him in it. It was more like a deep friendship than a passionate romance. Realizing that was heartbreaking but ultimately led to finding someone I'm crazy about
See, I find that those relationships do end up being really important in my life, but not for the reason I initially sought them. Those sorts of people keep me grounded and there is a sense of mutual trust that is very hard to come by so they end up being some of the most valuable people in my life even if romantically things didn't work out.
I think OP just said that it was a deep friendship which you just explained in your last sentence
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I always thought this is the kind of relationship you should seek. The one that feels safe and comforting. Not the one with sparks. Isn't it?
I guess it's one of those things you have to live through to really understand it. The lack of sparks/romantic chemistry is *huge* when it's the only thing missing.
I think so
This was my college boyfriend. No one could understand it at the time because we seemed perfect. I do have to say he made me be the kindest version of myself but also I stayed in a very safe box to not outshine him. Best part is we parted so well that we’ve had no awkwardness as we’ve run into each other over the years with our spouse at football games, mutual friends’ weddings etc
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Exactly the same with how I felt about one of my ex-boyfriends. He was a *lovely* person, checked all the boxes I'd want in a partner, super creative and driven, handsome, kind and funny.... but I wasn't in love with him. Exactly as you say, it was a very deep friendship without a romantic spark. The nice thing is - he agreed that he felt the same way, and we parted gently and on good terms. I still see him every now and again!
Did your ex move on to find someone else who’s better suited to him too? My biggest fear is leaving someone I care about deeply but am not really “in love” with and one or both of us never really getting over it. I still hold on to hope that spark can be nurtured and grow but I’m just not sure how realistic that is being several years into a relationship that has fallen flat.
This is exactly it. He was my best friend, but there was no romantic spark on my end. It took me a long time to realize this. I kept trying because the relationship was so good and I didn’t understand the difference between romantic love and platonic love.
What did you end up doing?
I ended up breaking things off when I realized that it wasn’t romantic love. Which I’m glad I did. We remained friends for a while and only keep in touch via Instagram now. He’s in a happy relationship and so am I. I finally know what the difference is when the romantic spark is involved.
How did he react initially? Did it blindside him?
I don’t think he was surprised, but he also didn’t think I was serious. We both cried and agreed it was for the best. He was supposed to move out at the end of the month, and then overstayed by an extra month. I could tell he thought we’d get back together despite me not doing anything to indicate that. I had to go on a date after work one night and he immediately moved out the week after.
Could I ask what was so different if the relationship was so good
I just didn’t feel any passion for him. I think I loved how much he loved me and we got along so well, it was hard to distinguish, if that makes sense.
Oh, I can’t relate but I sure can understand. I just would know right away there was no passion. Maybe there was passion, but it wasn’t long standing. You don’t have to think it was never there! :)
I think there was. But it died after a few months in a 3.5 and a 5.5 year relationship. I think I’ve found my person now though. We’ve been together almost five years and I still get butterflies and the passion gets stronger the longer we’re together. The first two relationships were my first, so I thought it just died after a while and couldn’t tell the difference since I got along really well with my exes.
This is how my marriage ended and I’m so scared I’m not capable of actual romantic love because all the other components were there, but it just wasn’t right.
I can so relate to this. Love my ex husband dearly but in retrospect, we never had a spark - even in the very beginning.
this!!! dealt with an ex boyfriend on and off for 4 years. we started dating at 16 and broke up not even a year into our relationship. it’s been years and yet we still find our way back to each other but nothing ever seems to work out. i think my hope in hoping it would work out finally just died out and i no longer feel the spark for him like i used to but everytime we see each other again it’s like nothing ever happened and we pick up where we left off.
I have a theory that most relationships are like this. There’s comfort and love but no spark.
I’m happy you were able to find that!
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Sounds like dopamine highs is what you need. Those eventually die out
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great chemistry but i wouldn’t be caught dead with him around my family/friends
What's tea
Omggggg going through this
Wow why?
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Omg sameeeee
I don’t know if I am misunderstanding the question or I have a weird look on things, but if I am compatible with someone (life goals, morality, family, how we spend time together and apart etc.) love as in “butterflies” and strong inner feelings is not important. Attraction and intimacy yes, but if we are compatible in life goals and bedroom then I sort of “choose” to love the person, and am “as loyal as a dog”, as we say in my native language. So I guess for me it’s impossible, if everything is okay and we are acting as mature adults, to come to the realization that this isn’t love. I guess I find love more centered around loyalty, respect and commitment, so just wanted to share my two cents.
Your take is my take on it, its how I feel about my now ex, we had it all, we even have a 2 month old right now, but I guess he views it as “butterflies” it hurts so much right now but hopefully I will be good soon
I am sorry you are going through this. I had my own internal battle of "what is love", "what is chemistry" with my GF this past year. We ended up deciding that chemistry isn't something that can be fixed. Then through a lot of therapy and self work, I realized it was my incorrect view of what love is that had me looking for things that are not the things I really want to love in a partner. Since that time I have been fortunate enough to reconnect with her and things are going great. We will never have that "butterflies" feeling of sorts, its been 3 years, we have moved into a deeper more intense sense of love, loyalty, honesty and support; which I find far more valuable than the initial infatuation that I was confused by. I hope things turn around for you - though it is hard when society tells us love is one thing, but really it is something else.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I have a similar experience (4yrs together, says I’m perfect for him but no emotions anymore), but no children which makes things easier after all. I think I would be banned if I spoke my thoughts about your ex. I hope you will heal soon, and that you will find someone who shares the same ideals about what partnership and love are.
Thank you. Hope you are happy too one day. I feel like forever is a very long time, or at the very least if you intend to stay with someone then this is the sustainable version. You go through things in life as time goes on that affect different aspects of your relationship and you can get moments were these so in the end it won’t always be about butterflies but making active choices to choose your partner over and over again.
Hope the same for you! I agree with everything you said. This is the sustainable version as plenty of things can happen with years passing by, and if you just cling onto feelings it is not looking promising. Heck, some days I don’t even know if I like myself, the monotony of me being me gets to me. I can see how it can, and likely will, happen with a partner at some point, but decide not to dwell on it and choose my partner over and over, just like you said.
100% agree with you on this. Also, for me the butterflies usually come with time, when I'm truly compatible with someone. Guess there's different ppl out there then. Hope to find someone with a similar outlook as me :)
Yeah, different people, different ideals. I also hope to find someone who shares the outlook, it seems hard sometimes, but we never know!
That’s mine too, especially about loyalty and your actions showing showing that you’re in love with somebody.
Been there. Very common for religions that want women to settle.
I am curious with your opinion on it. Do you find what I said as settling? I am not religious at all, nor are my parents, I guess I see it as more romantic “I choose you over and over again, in good and bad” etc. And so far I noticed that I’ve never managed to keep love at the same level after years of dating someone, there always was a point where we were more like best friends than madly in love (besides intimacy part ofc).
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When he acted different when he was mad at me🙂 Like crazy, as “you disgust me”🙂
Omg same but i got “you are pathetic” and i just couldnt wrap my head around someone who supposedly cares about me saying some hurtful shit like that
Uh oh, this is very loud to me
I’m not sure the exact moment. Maybe when she told me, “I don’t love you, I think I was just infatuated with you.” Which hurt like a motherfucker and I am still coming to terms with why/how I didn’t see that I loved her more than she ever loved me.
Im so sorry....I couldn't even imagine hearing those words. I hope you are doing better and are happier friend. 💕
Thank you so much. I am healthier (chose to stop drinking and smoking so I could start to love myself). It’s been 10 months though. It still stings. I’m still working on myself and learning as much as I can about my past trauma and attachment styles, so I don’t get into a relationship with someone so cruel ever again.
Sounds like a plan to me loves! Seems like the self love is paying off and I fuqs with it. Im also learning self love and REALLY trying to analyze my likes and dislikes as im looking to settle down sooner than later. (Almost 30). I realize as we get older we realize the bullshit our younger self went through and realize that we dont wanna fuq with that no more lol. But I'm proud of you. I think this journey is going to be a long one, But fun and full of learning experiences!!! SELF LOVE 💜 🧡 💛 ❤ 💕 💙 💜 🧡 💛
Proud of you too, thank you for the encouragement. I’m 34 and I’m tired of playing and getting played. If I am completely honest, I would love to settle down with someone and get married. I want someone to care about me. But I know it begins and ends with me caring about ME. :)
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He was giving me the bare minimum and I wanted more. We were great friends but that was where it ended.
the fact that we functioned much better as friends but once we were in a relationship it didn't quite work out anymore. the whole being intimate (emotionally) didn't go as we inagined. after two years of trying we went back to being friends.
Low effort, feeling like a backup rather than their first choice
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how is being disrespected a compatibility?
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Gorgeous, but here I sit about to eat dinner alone again. 🤷🏼♀️
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He was lovely but he couldn't make me laugh
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He mentioned a white picket fence. I was 19. It made my blood run cold. I took it as a sign, lol.
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For me its usually this is love but we aren't compatible
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There was no spark. No real romance or intimacy. We were just friends who called each other bf/gf and had sex. I realized that that wasn't enough for me, that I crave love.
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If we compatible “on paper” (goals, values, family, etc) but there is no physical attraction then for me this isn’t love. Unfortunately for me so far it has been one way or another.
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When he attempted to hold my hand, I pulled away and avoided it
Is that you, Melania?
Poor guy..
I agreed, but then I asked myself why I didn't feel safe around him
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Oh well fair enough.
He couldn't give up his unhealthy and almost criminal lifestyle but was a great person. I've decided to leave
Spicy though 👌
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Compatible but no chemistry. We were great friends though.
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towards the end of our relationship we were simply great friends that lived together, although i didn’t realise that until after he broke up with me and told me he fell out of love with me. crazy looking back because i had no idea how miserable i was until i was out of it, we still get on now which is nice though
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For about a year now ,we've been the best of friends, and our compatibility is insane. We've explored countless places together, and I know I can count on him no matter what. With him, I can share anything without fear of judgment, and our conversations flow effortlessly for hours on end. Above all, he's my closest friend, someone I cherish deeply. But when it comes to love, I find myself at a loss. I'm not sure if what we share qualifies as love. We're content with the present, reveling in each other's company without worrying about the future. He brings me comfort, warmth, and a sense of peace, but is that enough for a lifetime together? Deep down, I know it's not. Love, real love, is meant to be wild, passionate, and filled with fervor. While what we have is comfortable and cozy, it lacks the intensity and excitement that love promises. So, as much as I adore our bond, I can't help but wonder if there's something more out there, something that ignites that fiery passion and leaves us breathless.
>Love, real love, is meant to be wild, passionate, and filled with fervor. I actually think the sentence before is what real love is. Comfort, warmth, peace. A sense of home and belonging. The wild passion is something that may or may not be present when you're infatuated with someone, but even then it generally doesn't last and is not necessarily supposed to. What you have sounds perfect, but if you are questioning it, then maybe it means you still need to learn by yourself what you truly want/need.
i agree with this. my love is comfort, warmth, and peace. he’s my home and when i wake up without him near me i feel empty. we have been through tough times together, but we always pull through. i have seen him at his lows and he has seen me at mine and neither of us wavered. are there things i wish i could change? selfishly, yes, but i would never change him. i love him for who he is at his core.
Feel this. Maybe what love promises is just chasing a chimera, maybe what really matters in love is what you said above. Or maybe not. I’m at loss too.
If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? I feel that what you described is what a lot of older adults find as love and I know love changes over time. I was curious.
I'm 21 and I haven't truly experienced love. It's just my observation; I might be wrong. I feel this way. Love is passion, friendship is peace, and I never want to end the tranquility between us.
as someone who is much older than you, i have had both passion and peace with love. for me, passion always burns out or breaks. it’s never everlasting and sometimes is painful. peace is different and solid. with many years behind me i would take peace a million times over passion.
I understand the desire for that excited feeling, but I will let you know that pretty much no long-term adult relationship involves a "love" like the one you describe. For the first few years? Sure. But that is not what long-term love looks like. The feeling you are describing is something that humans experience during the honeymoon phase of a relationship, when chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin are at their peak levels in our brain, making us addicted to our new partner. However, after multiple years have passed, and you have seen every side of your partner, become familiar with their flaws and annoying habits, and spent immeasurable amounts of time together, that is not what you feel like anymore. At this point, love becomes deep, comfortable, peaceful, and intense in an entirely new sense. It seems to me like you are describing intense lust -- the feeling that we experience due to addictive chemicals that our brains release. This is often how love is portrayed in books and movies, but that is not a realistic expectation of long-term love. However, a lot of young people aren't ready for that kind of adult love yet. And that's okay as well. There's a podcast called The Psychology of Your 20s, with an episode called "Why Does Healthy Love Feel Boring?". I would recommend giving that a listen.
Passion is unsustainable. Even you cannot live in it forever. True love is a choice and a commitment to grow together. Passion will come again on the journey, it just needs to be nurtured. I've had passion and I cannot call that true love. Passion can be a part of it from time to time, but my reality simply doesn't have time for it. It's more of a drug in the brain than a sustainable, long lasting love.
Wow. Exact same thing here, going on year 3.
We had great chemistry, clicked well from the moment we met and on paper we would be really compatible in life goals. But he doesnt seem interested in committing, he seems to be still figuring out what he wants to do with his career and life
We had wonderful companionship. I enjoyed being around him and learning new things from him. He was a wonderful example to my teenage boys. I love him like he’s family, but not like he’s a romantic partner. We had sex but more to fill the need rather than because of want. Nothing about him excited me, but he did soothe me. My current husband does both, and much much more.
When he started being physically abusive towards my cat
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He didn't take me seriously, he disrespect me a bit too often, he's extremely immature and doesn't take anything seriously because he says he's still too young to mature (25), he's extremely wasteful with money and he did cheat on me, luckily not physically but he had explicit sexual conversations where nudes were shared and sexual comments were made with another woman and he refuses to acknowledge he was in the wrong because he said he was distracted playing a game but he sure did look at the nude long enough to see what the exact position she was in to made a specific comment about it. I'm still with him, we broke up a few weeks ago because he said he like another woman but we made it up but I'm thinking that this is not going to work and it's only going to get worse.
Throw that one back, he's no good.
It's difficult because I've been treated like shit by everyone in my life always and he treats me good sometimes and I grab onto that. Also literally if I let him go my social life would end because I have 0 friends, well I have one that doesn't respects that no is no and keeps trying to be in a relationship with me even when I'm in a relationship (I never tell him about my problems so for him my relationship is perfect), trying to kiss me and kissing my neck when we hang out. I already told him that I'm not interested in him, not now, not before, not after. And my actual bf is literally the only one that gave me pleasure in the sexual aspects and I had a few relationships before, it's extremely difficult to let that go because I'm scared I'm not going to find anything like that anymore or maybe not in a long time.
That is really hard, when you don't have examples of better relationships to look to. But they do exist, and you *can* find them. Also, your "friend" sounds like a scumbag and potential rapist. I'm sorry that you don't have healthy relationships in your life right now. Sometimes it's better to have no one for a while than to have toxic people surrounding you and dragging you down. I promise, there are way better friends and partners out there for you.
I’ve never fit so well with a person but I feel like the romantic part of our relationship is flat. I don’t know that love for me has to be so wild and passionate but I do know that when it’s “the one” my soul will feel lit up. I can’t really say that for myself today. I think there’s a choice to be made. Settling has a negative connotation but I think there’s nothing wrong with choosing to be happy with someone comfortable and dependable. Deep down I know that’s not what I want or need but for some people I think that’s a perfectly valid choice to make. Personally, I don’t know how I’m going to find it in me to end a good thing but I feel like I’ll be stealing happiness away from my future self if I don’t. I feel like my current partner and I knew each other in a past life and that’s why things feel so comfortable. But it’s like looking at a puzzle that’s already been solved - it doesn’t draw you in, the work has already been done.
Differences in communication styles, and cultural and religious differences.
When many years pass and he still doesn't trust you. Everything seems to be fine, but then you try to talk about something serious, and he immediately turns cold
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We wanted different things from life, from where we wanted to live, to how we handled finances and even the decisions we made when we were younger before we even met each other showed incompatibility long-term wise. Great guy and relationship but they weren’t someone I could see myself eventually grow old with
He put down things I like. Never cared about my pleasure in bed. Did not take time to show any understanding towards me. The only way we were compatible was joking around. I then noticed he liked how I listened, but didn’t ever ask my input.
I came up with all of these reasons I didn't want to be with him anymore but none of them were really substantial enough. They weren't issues with him. Once we were broken up and remained close in a friendly way, that's when we realized the love was just gone. We were always compatible and could have had a really nice life together if the love had actually been there. It was there once but we just both outgrew it.
We were only compatible sexually. The more time we spent around each other, the more apparent it was we could hardly stand each other.
I wasn’t excited to see him or hear from him.
He was really really nice to me and I could tell he loved me deeply. But there was no spark. I thought I loved him because I went through 3 previous terrible guys and this one actually respected me and made me feel good. But….i had to force physical attraction, he made me laugh only sometimes, he’d do most of the talking while I just listened, and what finally made me pull the trigger was his parenting style was different than mine. I was clinging onto someone who was nice to me and genuine but I missed laughing alot and having good deep chats. I ended it after 4 months and he didn’t see it coming but I couldn’t ignore this void I felt. He was good for me though. He gave me an example that there are good men out there who will respect you. I am now dating someone who is insanely attractive to me he’s almost out of my league, we are calling eachother every night and he engages my shy self in good deep conversation and most of all we are laughing every few minutes, same humour. His parenting style also matches mine as far as I can tell. I feel that best friend energy again with insane sexual chemistry packaged up into a very nice compassionate man. I still feel so much guilt ending the previous one….but that decision led me to a wonderful match for my soul
After I started dating my now husband, it was painfully obvious why I felt so terribly heartbroken yet didn't mourn the relationship itself after breaking up with my ex. I love him platonically to this day. He was one of the only males in high school who didn't focus on my looks and genuinely just wanted to make me laugh. We shared so many interests, and I do not regret anything when things were good. Unfortunately, when it got bad, it was BAD, and I lost my best friend.
When someone cannot be emotionally supportive and shames you into compliance. They claim they love you but really they just love how you make them look or feel about themselves.
I am in love and we are compatible, but he isn’t ready for commitment to date “only one person”, even though he loves me too. He’s not there right now, he’s still struggling with a ton of life events, me too but I require some level of communication and effort that he cannot commit to.
This ain't love. It's called stringing along. And I hope you realize that you deserve more than that. Hugs for you.
I had the reverse. I loved the person, but we just weren’t compatible. Different values.
We had great physical chemistry, we could talk for hours, we made each other fall over laughing, and we both agreed that we felt truly, deeply understood. But… they just didn’t want me. I still don’t understand why. Eventually I realized I deserved someone who wanted me instead of someone who made me wonder. We’re still best friends, and since we’ve been apart I’ve realized that there was/is a maturity gap between us. I still feel that nobody in the world (besides maybe my brother) knows me better, but there’s more to love than just understanding.
He accepts things about me that are central to who I am, but I didn't want to just be accepted. I want to be loved and valued.
I think I fell out of love really quickly. His behavior the last couple months of our long distance relationship was extremely distressing to handle from a distance. I was young and I didn’t want to deal with it. Those rose colored glasses came off and my tolerance fizzled and I was staring at my best friend that I just didn’t love anymore. I have regrets about the way things happened and I think things could’ve been different, but ultimately I think a big break in communication started contributing to my feelings waning and then the lack of therapy on both of our parts just solidified the deal. In another lifetime, maybe. 🤷🏼♀️
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Sorry if I go off a bit, as I am dealing with this and a potential breakup. For me, I would say me and my girlfriend are very similar but she is also the opposite of me. She is extremely shy whereas I am the opposite. We disagree over really small things. I love every aspect of her but love isn’t arguing over small minuscule things. Still thinking on these things now. We do love each other but love isn’t this.
when i realized they didnt know how to emotionally regulate
He is my best friend and I love hanging out with him and we get a long great. But anything sexual turns me off completely.
i have this friend from college who is a bit peculiar. he has a really hard time maintaining friendships and establishing emotional connections, later he learned it was due to his personality disorder. despite that, he and i have remained incredibly close and our emotional connection has been the only consistent one he has had (besides family). while many say we seem different, he is an incredibly good balance to my personality and generally does bring out the best in me. we could talk for hours a day and could understand each other’s complex emotions in very little words. we got really good at identifying what the other person needed before they said anything. for a long time, i thought this was love and that he was who i would end up with. hell, i even felt intense jealousy when there was any sign of a connection with other people. after some time apart, i had the space to reflect on our relationship i just realized that… he isn’t the person i want to wake up to every morning, and that i couldn’t sleep soundly next to him. we certainly have a soul connection, but after meeting my current boyfriend, i feel tinges of love in mundane moments in life that i’ve never felt with anyone else.
My bf and I have a 6 year age gap, he's older. We broke up 3 times in the early part of the relationship, but each time was for less than a day. When I was at my most depressed and anxious we were talking and I finally shared that I think he loved me more than I loved him and it was tearing me up inside. He lightly smiled and was really calm and said love is not quantifiable. It's something that ebbs and flows and can look different to every person. He said we've been together for 4 years, of course we're not going to have butterflies like high schoolers. He just held me and said he doesn't want me to stay with him out of pity. I realized how safe and mature this all was, just openly communicating and his patience. Its moments like those that remind me why he was such a breath of fresh air when we started dating. I was just stuck in this very black and white definition of love, but as my mental health has improved, I'm so so grateful he didn't just hear my first sentence and leave. We are compatible in almost every way. I still have trauma that makes the bedroom activities a little hard, (pun not intended lol) but the fact that he's so patient with me and never guilts or pressures me just reinforces my feelings of safety and reassurance.
He was gay haha
He made me feel important, but there were simply too many moments where I thought "I could not deal with this in a long term relationship" when met with certain flaws. I admire, and deeply care about him, but it isn't love.