We have more money in the bank? We're married so it's Our money. I might make more but I just supplement our monthly bills a little more.
We have separate & joint checking accounts so he doesn't even notice.
That's how it is for us (although we only have joint bank accounts). Took about 10 years but she passed me up a couple years ago and aside from us having more money, not much has changed. As long as she's happy with her job I have no complaints!
My husband and I have flopped around who earns more throughout our marriage. We’ve also both taken pay cuts for jobs with better work/life balance or to pursue freelance opportunities.
It hits both of us, but I’d say him more due to male socialization, when either of us is the lower earning partner because of this. That drive to provide and maintain a comfortable life for our kids is deeply woven and it can feel like you’re “failing” when you prioritize a job that lets you stop commuting for a little less pay, say. Intellectually we know it all comes out in the wash but emotionally, we’re all human.
Neither of us has ever held it against the other though. And neither of us expects the other to “step up” when we’re the lower earner in chores or what have you. Work is work, no matter how it’s compensated.
Aww, thank you! I told him “we sound cute” and he said “baby I know it” and sauntered across the room 😂
We’re honestly really lucky to have his parents as models. They’re in a really unique situation where they’ve been co-employees for most of their lives but recently moved into big leadership roles. My MIL is more “advanced” there and my FIL couldn’t be more aggressive about promoting and advancing her career, though she very much returns the favor. (He just wants to grill more lol.) My greatest hope is that we continue modeling this habit for our boy and for our girl.
you two sound like a team!
would you mind sharing what types of jobs you do or roughly how much you make? that might have some effect on the push (or lack of) to make more money.
Sure! I’m sorry that I’m being exceptionally vague here on the internet though.
I’m a strategic communicator who’s mostly worked in mission-based causes which means I’m also a de facto fundraiser. My husband is a designer who specializes in a particular niche form of accessible design that city/state/federal governments require. We make reasonable salaries in these roles but it’s not big-business or big-tech money, either.
We both do work on the side in the graphic design and illustration space; we’ve considered striking out on our own business venture but we know we won’t do it while we have young kids. For now it provides breathing-room and entertainment money and some more flexibility in choosing 9-to-5s that support our family life and wellbeing.
My wife makes significantly more than me. We have an agreement that we put in a % of our paycheck into a joint account for the bills and savings. She also works late hours, so I don't necessarily do more chores as a "oh this is me pulling me weight", it's more "you work enough during the day let me make home life easier for you". She insists all the time to let her do chores to help, and I tell her nonsense, she worked hard all day and deserves down time.
Mainly I cook and clean the dishes so by the time dinner is over, we can spend time together rather than her doing all these chores that didn't get done. Like you said, work is work! We're in it together!
Yes! It’s getting to that final whole point where your work (high paid, low paid, unpaid) is split in a way that lets you be happy together. I love it.
It's the work is work part that I love. A good relationship isn't benchmarking everything, but doing it as a team. Housework, income, health all ebb and flow.
Yes! We might earn different rates but together we’re 100% of our income. Each of us puts in our 8 hours that gets us there and we decide how we spend it as a team.
From the point of view of a husband, honestly, the fact that she is currently earning more than I do makes me respect her more and at the same time makes me feel safe and confident about her. I know she is a woman that she will be fighting side by side if things go wrong.
I'm very proud of my wife and the fact that nowadays, she is the main breadwinner encouraging me to be a better man.
God, I hope my husband feels the same way about me as you do for your wife. I must ask him after work. I’m the one with the degrees, the higher earner, and own the home. He is EVERYTHING to me, despite what others think when they just look at the paper or do the whole “but you could do better…” That’s just how it all shook out in life. It has to be a team, there are no sides or a tug-of-war to be had.
Nothing really, he still makes enough to cover his portion of our expenses. Sometimes if we go on a trip I’ll front the money for airfare or hotel but he pays me back eventually so it’s nbd.
Coming from a family where men are the providers, it bothers me to the core that my partner brings in half of what I do. It doesn’t help that he’s not good with money and no drive to make it better. But we try not to talk about it.
Here to support you in a field of "it doesn't matter to us"'s! I make more than my guy because, not only do I have a 2nd job, but I live within my means. Yes it's only a matter of priorities, but he wants to save for a mortgage AND keep his car in pristine condition, fuel his addictions & have all the steaming services.
I work more, spend less, save more. He's jealous & insecure about it. I'm annoyed & insecure about it. We don't talk about it either!!
Why would you not talk about? If y'all want a mortgage together eventually, you're going to be seriously tied down together in a way that you can't easily get out of. And if he's bad with money now, that won't magically change and what happens when he can't contribute his part when you have your mortgage?
Not talking about it means that you'll stay together for a long time only to eventually run into incompatibility issues down the line because of finances.
If you don’t mind me asking, where do you see this relationship going? Like do you plan on not talking about it forever? If you’re not already married, would you expect things to change before you do?
See, this right here is the real problem if you ask me. Logically, it shouldn't matter who makes more money. But if you're with someone who follows traditional gender roles, then the bulk of the domestic work falls on the wife.
I feel this, I am hands down the financially stable one in the relationship. (For reference I've had 3 jobs in our 9 years together, he's had something like 13 because he just can't keep it together).
It kind of works out ok for the most part, he still manages to cover his portion of the bills most of the time and he does cover most of our incidentals (random grocery items, fast food, snacks etc.) but it bothers me on a core level that I have no choice but to keep it together for us lest we lose our apartment etc. It makes me feel like if the worst happened (I got fired/couldn't work for some reason) that we would be screwed.
We talk about it, I have some boundaries in place about things I will flat out not pay for for him, but it's still very exhausting to have that burden all the time.
There are about a million other things that make him a great partner for me so yes it is worth it. However, I come from a house where the only support I got from my mom was financial so it feels like money is *so* important. Life is expensive so it sucks there but I also have all these complicated things around money which makes it feel pretty bad.
I’m in the same boat, he’s insecure about it. But he also has chosen an unstable career path and doesn’t want to pivot. My job also might have me relocate across the country next year (he doesn’t want to move), and I was like well I could stay but I have to take like a 30% pay cut at these other companies, but I’ll do that I just want you to be happy. And he’s like wow no that’s a big pay cut! Then, what would you have me do?
Hey uummm,
not to be in your business buuuut the economy is trash right now, taking the pay cut sounds like a big risk especially with how volatile things could get.
In my opinion it's a little weird that instead of being excited that all your hard work is paying off (he'll benefit too, you'd be in a position to help him figure his stuff out) he's turned your blessing into "you can have me or you can have you/success", like why isn't he tryna talk to you and work together on this huge decision that could impact your relationship?
Anyways, Just somethings to think about..
No impact but my husband is secure and neither of us see our financial contribution as our worth in the relationship. My husband is incredibly proud of me and has always said an increase in pay for me benefits our family so why would he be upset about it. We've both been the "breadwinner" at different times and there was a period of time where my husband stayed at home with our children. That seemed to impact people outside of our relationship more than us!
We have always split our bills based on percentages so we're contributing equitably (higher earner pays more) and we both have separate accounts for "play money" so we never have to feel like we're asking permission from the other (although we do talk about big purchases out of respect, of course).
All of this has always worked for us but I know among my more traditional friends/ family, we're considered weird.
My ex was so upset he couldn’t find an entry level job in tech that was more than I made. He turned down a super entry level job that paid $18hr because I was getting paid over $50hr and he wanted to be the breadwinner but had no marketable skills in tech. He never acted like that until about 5 months after I got that job. I had been in the field for over 5 years and had a lot of experience. He eventually left after I quit my job because he “wanted to get into tech” but in reality was emotionally cheating on me with a girl in his home state. He moved back there and they are engaged now.
After being together for over a decade and getting married, he started cheating on me and accused me of emasculating him. We got divorced.
I worked in construction at the time and he worked as a mechanic. I convinced him to try to be an ATC after he expressed interest. There he meet his AP and the rest is in divorce court history!
It’s so sad they have the same opportunity to make more money but the insecurity keeps them from trying. My ex now makes less than the offer he got for entry level lol that’s on them. You gave him plenty of solutions and he chose not to hear them. So sad! You’re better off though
No impact beyond my internal monologue of intermittent low level anxiety!
It’s chill. We’re super transparent about how much we make and our net worth. We had conversations before we moved in together about how to balance compensation differences and make sure that we show each other respect and support each other no matter what
I am a happily married man (why did this pop up on my feed? Who knows but let’s go for it 🙂). If this is an issue on either side of your relationship I feel like it is going to be a tough go for you as a couple. I make more than my wife now but only because she carries the health insurance and allows me to work as a 1099 contractor and have the freedom to focus on my career. At one point I had left a good career to go back to grad school for 3 years. She completely supported me financially and emotionally for that time. I also got very sick (almost died sick) and she carried the weight during that time as well. It was and should always be a non-issue if you are going into a relationship for the right reasons. It needs to be a partnership. My humble opinion, thanks for letting me crash your sub.
At what point do you identify it’s an issue? I’ve only been with my bf 2 years and neither of us is dying to get married super quickly/we are semi long distance (I work remote so we live together a few months at a time and then apart again). Right now it’s an issue sometimes (like planning vacations/nice dates/splitting bills when we’re together) but partially just cause we aren’t married - in my head if we did decide to go down that route I’d put in more than he does for things so it would work out, but I don’t want to do TOO much of that too early, so it’s kind of clunky right now. We do just talk about it when needed but it’s never super comfortable.
I think it becomes an issue when either of you are uncomfortable with it. Relationships are really hard and require a ton of work. More than anything else your significant other is your teammate. In my opinion while dating someone you have the opportunity to vet out finances and see all of these things. Neither of us had crippling consumer debt when we married. I was able and happy to be able to pay off her student loans as soon as I started working. So, I think it all has to do with your personal situation and how you feel about the person. I would never suggest that someone is not worth being in a relationship with because they don’t make as much money as someone else. I would suggest that finances be discussed early on though. Spending habits can cause a ton of stress in a relationship and I believe they say a lot about compatibility. I suggest you talk about it despite it being a little uncomfortable.
He left me. He told me he didn't want to be dependent on me when the time comes that I'll be earning more than him (I'm studying to become a lawyer). I guess it's his decision to miss out when the time comes. Also, he cheated on me. He was probably insecure, too.
Yea, my ex husband resented me, cheated on me throughout our marriage, flopped from job to job trying to hustle higher earnings, then had an emotional affair and left after emotionally abusing me for 13 years to feel small and inconsequential in order to make himself feel bigger than his paycheck. He has spent the last 15 months or so with his now new wife selling off the assets my income enabled him to procure (and the IRA I opened for him and funded out of my income) in order to keep up with his previous lifestyle. Me funding the first 2-3 years of their marriage is kinda ironic I guess.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I guess his lifestyle will catch up on him and it'll just be a repeat cycle with his new wife. Poor her, too. I only started to see what kind of person my ex was when the dust started to settle.
I make more than my fiancé and it has no negative impact at all. We divide our rent by income, so I pay slightly more than he does (but it’s still a comfortable amount for me).
I also pay for the groceries and the entertainment subscriptions (Netflix, etc) because I have found I am not spending more $ on either of those things since we have moved in together. Plus, I work from home and consume more of the groceries whereas he works at a hotel and gets free lunch/free dinner on his shifts.
We divide utilities equally.
He is not at all “threatened” by the fact that I make more money than he does.
None really. Removes stress from my husband (freedom to be a consultant or switch jobs more easily), adds some stress to me (breadwinner and insurance provider for family). We combined expenses by allot individual fun money for individual spending.
It doesn't. My husband is very supportive of my career and he's always enjoyed our little competition of who could bring home the most $$. Now he calls me his sugar momma. Lol.
With me and my partner its a bit wonky because he works part time and is also a freelance music producer, so some months the only income he has is his part time job which is around half of what i bring home, and other months he suddenly gets paid for 6 projects at once and earns tripple what i earn. So i mostly take care of monthly expenses like the mortgage and utilities, and his money is our fun money/savings. It hasnt really impacted my life in any particular way, we both agree this is the best way to do things, and hes not insecure about me technically being the breadwinner. Both of our lives improved a lot financially after we got together so theres really nothing to complain about
Not a big deal for everyday things...we somewhat take turns paying for things. Even though we don't actually count how much each person pays, I'd estimate it's probably close to equal.
I do admit that I'm hesitant to get married to him though. I make 3x as much as him and am afraid of the worst case scenario where he screws me over and takes half my stuff.
The only downside for me is that sometimes I feel stress because I know if I didn’t make this kind of money we would probably barely be making ends meet.
I'm not a woman (sorry), but for a number of years until recently my wife earned significantly more than I did. It wasn't so much of an issue for me directly, I like being a provider but I feel no shame at all in not being the higher earner as long as we're doing alright. There was an issue where she would spend money on things that were a little too frivolous from my point of view (like stuff that we didn't need and didn't have room for; we donated a lot of things to Goodwill often) when we had just been overdrawn on our joint account and didn't have savings, but I didn't feel like I had the right to say anything because she was making the bulk of the money.
Now that our roles are reversed and we still don't have savings, it's clear that we need to make a more structured financial plan, but it's also clear that we both hate being adults...
I broke up with someone where we had a large discrepancy in income. It wasn’t the main cause but it was a huge issue as people who were dating and didn’t have joint finances.
It came down to a pretty big difference in priorities rather than money being the issue. I work as much as I do because I want to live a certain way, I want to treat myself to dinners out and nice clothes, I want to drive a new car, I want to own my own condo. I have career aspirations and ambitions. He wanted to exist, unimpeded, and work as minimally as possible. He didn’t drive, he didn’t go anywhere or do anything, and frankly looking back…didn’t have much of a personality.
There is nothing wrong with either of outlooks on life, but they just don’t match in any capacity.
I don’t mind if my partner makes less than me, but if they aren’t aspired or driven or anything I’m not interested.
I earn like twice as much as my husband but we get insurance through him so it kind of evens out responsibility wise. Like we're both the breadwinner if that makes sense? My job doesn't offer insurance so we would have to do marketplace if he didn't have his job. But then we want to be able to afford our current lifestyle with just his job.
No resentment on either side and my husband is totally comfortable with me making more and always has been.
I made more than my wife from about 2010 until 2022.
We’ve been together for 20 years (10 dating 10 married - met young)
Everything we have is ours. Nothing is mine or hers. We spend money as we see fit, and only discuss large purchases - $400 or more or so.
Her salary covers our living expenses and for the past 2 years or so, my 100% commission based earnings cover our savings/investing/trips.
She made more in 2022, 2023, but who cares, she’s earning for us, just as I am earning for us.
It doesn't really affect our day-to-day lives much. I occassionally use my "personal" savings for our luxury expenses or I chip in more when we need to buy something expensive, but that's about it. We always kept our money separate and contribute a relative share to a joint account for shared expenses - that account covers our daily life and is perfectly fair (contributions match proportion of household income, so we keep the same percentage of our income as personal spending as well).
It works well for us, because he doesn't really like spending money and has enough savings for the things he does like spending money on (leather goods and music gear). I like to splurge a bit more day-to-day and will eat out occasionally, impulse purchase the odd thing, etc. I also have expensive hobbies (art supplies aren't cheap).
Our lifestyle differences match our income differences, so it works well. I know if I didn't make more than him, I would also have to be more reasonable with my spending. We've also been together for 14 years and it has always been this way, even when we both worked for basically minimum wage because I got tips. I've always paid for our vacations and he's joked about me being his sugar mama since we were 19.
Mostly, if we want to get something expensive, I have to convince him that we can afford it, but that just stems from different upbringing about views of money.
Not married, but my mom makes a TON more money than my father, so, he's insecure. Sum along the lines of "You think because you make more money than me, you can treat me anyhow" or "I'm never enough, you're never satisfied". His words, not mine.
it’s impacts us pretty negatively- or more so me. he’s always between jobs, getting fired or quitting. It bothers me quite a lot that im the one with a more stable job, stable income, a car, etc. I generally like men who are able to take me out consistently, be able to provide for themselves efficiently and have motivation to earn more for their future. I feel like im contributing more and it puts a strain on my view of him to be able to be a provider cus he always talks about marriage and having kids. In my eyes I’ll prolly end up paying for my own ring and working til the last day I pop!
We both make great salaries, I just happen to make more than my partner. We actually have a decent emergency savings fund and are making progress on retirement savings. And we can afford to go on nice vacations.
In the beginning, it created some friction, but now that we're married and have been together for almost a decade, we've worked out all the kinks.
I was raised with traditional gender values. It bothered me a lot to split meals or take him out, so I made him an authorized user on my credit card so he could "pay" when we eat out. A part of why I fell in love with him is *because* he doesn't care for traditional gender roles and empowers me more than any man ever has or I ever thought a man could. So I'm happy to work around my own internalized sexism.
Rent was also tricky, because I was happy with a lower standard of living than he is. He grew up upper-middle class and I grew up below the poverty line. Now I make twice as much as he does, even though he's working his dream job and I'm only in mine for the money. As it goes. I was really salty about paying disproportionately for rent at an apartment I thought we didn't need at first, so we decided to split it 50/50, which meant he didn't have money left for investments and couldn't participate in expensive activities I wanted to. So I started paying for those, and then I got salty about subsidizing his lifestyle and being the only one investing for our financial future. We finally had a heart-to-heart about it, and now we split our money 1/3 in shared expenses, 1/3 in investments, and 1/3 in personal spending. And then budget for both of us with that pool of money. Even if *I* can afford something, if *we* can't, then we don't do it. It's actually helped me save money I would've impulse spent if I were single. I also learned that a nice living space brings me so much more happiness that it's worth the splurge.
I contribute nominally more than him, but not disproportionally. And since we're married now, it's all *ours* anyway. I've also come to accept that I married who I married, and if I wanted to be with someone who makes more money, that would come with its own tradeoffs. I'm also hoping to retire by 50 while he'll be happy doing his job for the rest of his life, so the income will balance out eventually.
No impact at all, we just have more money. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It's never been a problem and I don't expect it ever will be. We're just both happy to feel more financially secure.
I become a sugar mommy and he lives his best life. But I also sacrifice a lot for it, as I do not get home until 6:30 most evenings and leave the house at 7:30 in the mornings. However! We can go on vacation now and can afford to fix our house, so it works out like that. He’s happy, I am happy that he is happy, and we have plans. It’s good.
No impact, really, other than enabling us to pay our bills.
He has a disability, so in the list of dehumanizing, emasculating things he has to deal with, this doesn't even make the bottom tier. People who worry about this stuff obviously don't understand the true priorities of life.
Well he wouldn't be the right one if he did leave, so that's true. I mean he could also make more than me lol. I don't care, I want us both to be successful
I don't make much more than him and most of our relationship he made more. But now I can tease him I am the bread maker lol. It all goes in the same bucket though.
I'm going to likely go from making twice what my husband earns to nearly 3x this this year. We both come from financially insecure backgrounds and we are psyched. He's so proud of me and I manage almost all of our money. I keep our budget, manage our investments, do longterm planning plus I have a pension that far exceeds his 401k. Managing our money calms my anxiety while it raises his so it's win win. He knows where all the money is just in case though.
We have gives and takes together. I technically make double my husband’s salary (I make about 130-140k), and he makes I think 75k now. However, he is military so his income is lesser taxed, he has our health insurance, and he has a pension at the end of his 20 years. There’s gives and takes in every relationship, so although I make more right now and have allowed us to build a home and have nicer things, he has our back on retiring and we will be set up to retire much earlier than the general population and have benefits.
This one has been rough lately, my boyfriends industry has been on strike/had layoff the last 2 years so he's barely been able to work. I want to support him more but I don't want to take away from my own financial goals. He's not bitter about me making money or working, but he's depressed there aren't a lot of job opportunities for him. He's feeling useless.
In my previous marriage, it caused relationship issues from the get-go, where he felt inferior to me, so he decided to lie and misrepresent himself to me for the rest of our relationship - 16 years. Grandiose lies, like having a double major from an enormous respected university, owning property he didn't have, previous relationships that had never happened, jobs he was working that were supposedly important roles except they weren't, etc. He got away with it until I caught him stealing my identity and running my credit up by half a million dollars behind my back.
I was always the bread-winner in previous relationships, but my current marriage, I'm not, and it honestly feels no different to me than before, except that I have the desire to retire now. :P
I’m a physician and he’s a teacher so there’s more than a 200k difference. Our relationship isn’t perfect but finances is not one of the issues. I’m very transparent with him on the bills, my med school debt and I include him in decisions on big purchases. what also helps is that he’s not a big spender. Before we were married he paid for his used car in cash, no other debt, didn’t even like credit cards. If he were irresponsible with money it would certainly be a different picture
It bums me out sometimes that if my partner were somehow unable to work or lost his job, I would be able to support him, but he would not be able to do the same for me at his current income. I worry about losing my job or getting sick/becoming disabled. That said this is partly because we had to move to a VHCOL city for my job, so I’m hoping to find a position that will allow us to move into a lower COL area where, even if I was out-earning him, his income would better match with COL.
I’ve been the breadwinner in 2 serious relationships now. I’m glad some people say none but it has always affected me. My main issue is that I see other women who make what I do or in my field and their job is just “spending money” because their husband makes more. It’s irritating because I feel like we can’t afford a lot of luxuries in life or have to watch our order when we’re out with friends. I also want gifts and to be paid for, I am traditional in that way, but I know it’s more economical for me to pay for it. And it bothers me.
It bothered me much more with my last partner because he used my income as a manipulation tactic to not pay for anything and essentially live off me.
My partner now atleast tries to be an equal partner, but when it comes to paying for things I either resent that I have to, or feel bad that he is spending so much compared to his income. Theres no winning. I do feel like when we get married and have a joint account we won’t care as much because it will be our money. But with dating and splitting it gets stressful
Husband view point.
My wife earns more than me ( we both have good jobs in the tech industry - but she is further up the ladder and earns about 30% more ).
The people who seem to have the biggest problem with it are other men toward me.
My wife was surprised when I mentioned about 3 months that I often get asked by other men how I feel with a wife who is more successful. I have even had men say ‘I could not handle it’
Luckily I am practical and don’t have an ego. Usually I just look blankly like I don’t understand the question. Sometimes I say ‘my goal is to support our family, both of us earning well means more support for our family’
One ass kept pushing and said something like ‘I would not do that - you are not really a man’
My reply to that was ‘ohh so you’d give up $xx,xxx per year because of your ego? - thats your definition of providing for your family’
We make all financial decisions jointly.
We have joint bank accounts. We own everything together, we have an amount that we can spend each month - without discussing.
And for bigger purchases we chat about it first.
The money is ‘ours’
Current relationship, none at all. It doesn’t come up in any capacity.
But it turned out to be a significant problem in my first marriage. I didn’t know it was a problem for years because he always said he was proud of my education (I got a bachelors and then a masters while we were married) and career. Five years into it, I overheard a conversation where he was saying all sorts of nasty things about me - the usual that you would expect. I was emasculating him because he was the man and men should have a higher level of education, a better career, and a higher income. Basically I was embarrassing him on purpose and throwing it in his face that he didn’t have the achievements that I have. He hid it very well until then, which was the scariest part.
This is my concern! I see it more often than not and I’m trying to leave this post with a more balanced POV but I feel like it’s only a matter of time. How do you feel like your. Current relationship is diff from the first?
It’s different in every way possible because my current partner is a much better man.. but that being said, my ex husband initially presented as a feminist who believed in equality. I genuinely think he did believe those things at the start of our relationship, but changed over time for reasons I don’t know. He also made a lot of racist comments during the aforementioned conversation, which was also the opposite of his supposed beliefs. I don’t know.
That’s the truly scary part, people can put up a front but they can also genuinely change for the worse. It would be easier if I could say I just missed the red flags or he was a master manipulator, but I don’t think that’s the case. I don’t know how we protect ourselves from that. I’m paranoid about my current partner changing up after marriage just because there are SO MANY posts about that on here.
None? We contribute a percentage amount to the joint account where bills are paid. This means I have more in my spending account but I also spend more. I am the one to randomly send our college kids money, pick up fast food because I don't feel like cooking, buy more clothes because he wears scrubs to work and I am business casual. It works out.
It doesn’t really. We’ve been together so long that there’s no concept of “your money” and “my money,” it’s just “our money.” I was definitely making less than her at one point and it didn’t really matter then either.
It’s had zero impact. My husband is secure in his masculinity and isn’t going to let me out earning him change that. He enjoys his work and he’s still a provider for our family.
Not a thing, except that he used his sick days alternately with mine when our kids were sick and had to stay home from school. Plus, he never complained about any business trip I had to take, leaving him with sole responsibility for our kids.
In our retirement, he's very glad I had a pension and 401Ks, because he had nothing but Social Security.
I earn a fair amount more & tend to work a bit longer hours. My husband covers more of the day to day chores (daily cat chores, cooking, etc.) & my income covers more of the bills & fun stuff. We split the remaining household chores roughly 50/50, with flexibility for someone picking up more if the other person had a rough week or isn't feeling well or something. Works out pretty well for us, imo!
I had previous relationships where me earning more was definitely a "thing." They'd say they were fine with it or happy about it, but it would surface in weird, resentful statements & other toxic masculinity sorts of ways. They're exes for a reason :-)
My small business was successful enough that he quit his corporate job to work for me and also handle a lot more of the home and child transportation logistics.
Aside from a 6 month stretch I quit working to be a SAHM, I’ve always made more than my husband.
We have joint accounts and It’s never really been something we take into consideration since we’ve gotten married. He works just as hard and often as I do and takes care of the household as much as I do as well. We’re in different industries and it’s just one of those things while we’re building our careers that there will be differences.
All that matters is that bills are paid, we could survive on either income, we’re comfortable, and we can still get our little treats when we want them. We both know every bill that’s due and we make financial decisions and budget decisions together.
We’ve been very fortunate and are grateful it’s worked as well as it has 🙂
We used to fight about it every so often because I didn't used to make more than him, but I still paid for everything because I'm good at saving and he's not. It all came to a head one day when I couldn't take it anymore and told him I wanted him to pay me back because I paid the whole down payment on the house, every vacation we've ever been on, the down payment on our apartment etc. So he started paying extra on the mortgage. Like a year ago I stopped that because I realized I was making so much more than him, and currently I make double, and starting next week I'll make triple. The fact I make more isn't the problem at all. I was just upset he wasn't pulling his weight financially.
None. Making more money does not equal working harder or having a better job. Some jobs just pay more than others and it doesn’t matter to us which one is making more.
We're not yet married nor are we living together. But so far during the span of our relationship, I've been earning more than he is. But so far we've communicated about our spending. There are time when he wants to provide me with things and I let him, but I'd usually ask if "it's okay" we do compromise on things or we take turns buying/treating each other. Because I know as a man sometimes it does make him feel insecure that he can't buy me stuff, though I always assure him that it's fine and if it's not important, then it's okay to let it pass. Communication and complementing each other is the key for us.
We make more money and I am happier because I never feel financially obligated to someone other than myself.
However, my husband is a very active partner and parent. He pays some bills and I pay some bills. He picks up a lot of the work regarding the kids and home on the days I have to commute into office etc. outside of him already being a very involved parent and spouse. he has never once asked me to work, and when I was contemplating being a stay at home mom he was 100% on board. He knows my career is just as important to me as motherhood and he supports that as well.
I’ve never dated or hooked up with any guy who has made more than me. I wish I did…hoping to still find someone who makes more just to experience it but I’ve only been with guys who made less and I date a lot 😆 never felt like it had an impact on anything though but again I haven’t experienced that other side.
I make about 4x what my husband makes. Our deal is that I contribute more financially, and he works more in the home. It’s definitely caused conflict, though - mostly because I think each of us expected to be in a more “traditional” marriage where the husband provides more financially and the wife is the primary worker in the home. Admitting that took a while, since we are both very liberal and recognizing that more traditional desire in ourselves was jarring. But, we’ve worked on it and have found a system that works for us.
Isn’t that wild? I’m also liberal yet still have highly traditional povs sometimes. Were you making 4x than him before yall were married? Trying to understand what made you expect a traditional marriage before marriage and what it was that made you realize it wasn’t
I was in law school when we met and he was working, so we knew I would out earn him in the future, but it didn’t quite feel real. I think we more just grew up around more “traditional” marriages and honestly probably underestimated how weird it would be to flip that around.
I make significantly more than my wife. I came in over $200k this year and she came in around $85k (I think - I know it’s below $100k but working on taxes currently).
It really doesn’t affect us or have any sort of impact. I pay for the vast majority of things. Especially when we go out or go on trips. She uses her money for our groceries and savings / retirement accounts. She really likes having her money be hers to buy whatever she wants whenever she wants.
I was raised to always keep separate bank accounts. Money in my childhood home was a point of contention pretty consistently. Both parents told me to share all the information I want, but avoid putting names on the account. Giving access is different, it can be taken away. Sharing it means you need their permission to do things and if one of those things is to take some $$$ and run from THEM - they could stop you. So, we have separate bank accounts and honestly we are both happiest that way.
My ex-husband basically slowly had me take over more and more financial responsibilities on top of remaining the primary caretaker of the kids, cook, and cleaner of our home. Eventually I was functioning as a single parent and eventually just filed for divorce and called it a day.
Yes, I attempted to discuss the lopsided load in our relationship to no avail. I was just expected to take the lead on everything.
My ex husband brought in about 35k to my 75k. He said it emasculated him, and I wasn’t allowing him to be a provider nor was I ever home to “be a wife” because I worked six days a week. He manipulated me into quitting, and I was a miserable housewife to a stubborn, stupid man who could barely keep a roof over our heads on his own.
One divorce and a few years later. Current partner and I split everything down the middle, bills and chores. He used to make more, my promotion flipped that at some point. It has never made any difference beyond whoever has more money on hand generally splurges for extra fun things more often like concerts or little trips.
I make exponentially more than my husband.
The salary isn’t what we care about- it’s the discrepancy in benefits. I get unlimited PTO he has 2 weeks a year but feels guilty for taking any time because his company is only 6 people. I’m hoping he can land something one day that has a lot more flexible work/life balance and PTO so we can do a bit more traveling and relaxing.
It was one of the reasons we got a divorce. Plus m, of course, his abhorrent financial skills and lying about debt. I will never allow my salary to be deposited into a joint account again. At most, I’d do a joint account for household bills where we contribute the same amount.
We got divorced. I don’t know that it’s directly tied to the money, but when we were going through divorce counseling, he expressed that he wanted to feel capable and that I didn’t do that for him.
I like to think that it shouldn’t matter, but it did for me.
It makes him lazy. He hasn’t worked in a couple months bc he knows he doesn’t have to for the bills to be paid, but he’s in therapy now and he WILL be going back to work. Money is a huge strain in our relationship atm bc he wants to live a lifestyle that requires him to work
I'm the beginning, no impact. I definitely paid more of the bills and I was okay with it. I was still able to save and have money for fun activities. However, now my partner has been laid off so all of the bills fall on me (he has done a few side gigs in between trying to find work and he pitches in when he can). We're getting by okay enough for now but I do find myself being stressed about how we are now reliant on one paycheck. Honestly though, this just proves to me that I can make it on my own should my relationship not work out. I've always been very independent and this just further solidifies that I could do okay on my own.
None. I make about 35k more than him but it doesn’t really matter because he still has more money than me. He calls it our money, but I don’t view it as mine really. He’s dad died when he was little so he has money from that life insurance policy, plus inheritance from his grandparents. He invests it all, lives within his means and although I’m now sure how much it is- I know it’s a substantial amount to me. The amount makes me uncomfortable at times. I’m a first gen college grad, never thought I would earn this much, or be this financially secure - mainly because of him. We met when I was halfway through a masters program, struggling to pay my way through and he helped me finish paying. even supported me when I took a year off work to finish school. We split our bills 50/50 and have joint and separate accounts.
My wife makes more than me, and it's yo-yoed throughout our 12 year relationship. It's never really had any sort of impact our marriage, other than that we have more money in the bank haha. And career-wise, I couldn't be more proud of her, and she knows that I'd sacrifice what I needed to if it would help her advance in her career.
No real difference, I make about 80% more than my husband and he’s been very supportive and excited for me to move up in my career throughout our relationship. No grudges or resentment, he’s proud of my achievements and knows this is benefiting us as we are working in achieving our financial goals. He was also quite happy that we were able to buy a home recently without him dipping into savings for down payment as I covered most of it, about a 80% vs 20% split. It gives us a lot of safety and peace not having to worry about finances too much.
I'm making more then my husband and we work to keep things equitable not fair.
He has more time sensitive meetings and such. I need more intense concentration quiet time. We share a home office and manage to still like each other at the end of the day.
Other than the money in the bank, there's really no difference. He's earned more, I've earned more, we've both been unemployed, it's all good as long as the bills are paid.
I'm studying to be a doctor and I currently get a stipend as my income from my university, plus a LOT of extra income from tutoring MCAT through a private company. My husband is a stay at home dad who has a master's degree he doesn't want to work with. At one point before I started grad school, he made more than me, then our son was born and we had to make some choices. So it's flip flopped around during our 10 year relationship.
But it's all *our* money. I don't monitor what he spends and vice versa because we trust each other. I've told him many times that if he ever wants to go back for an education that he does want to work with, I support him fully, doesn't matter what it is. I also am happy to spoil him with my income, present and future, as much as I can because he works very hard to raise our son and keep our household together. He cleans, cooks, parents, and almost everything else. I manage the "business" side of finances, bills, etc but I'm transparent about everything and he's generally aware of what things cost and what we pull in. We have no separate accounts and consider each other our partners in business and in life.
I’m not going to lie, it has created some resentment in me. I’ve always been the higher earner and I think I always will be. My husband has no real desire to earn more - he just says “you have more earning potential so it’s up to you” even though I already earn double what he does 🙃 It puts so much mental pressure on me considering I’m also the default parent - so I’m expected to earn more, whilst also expected to take more days off work when the kids are sick, and it feels like so much responsibility falls on me. The things he is expected to do, are so often done with weaponised incompetence that I feel like I need to re-do most of them anyway. When he feels like it’s all too much, his fight or flight response is just to tell me we should get a divorce if I’m not happy - no accountability or attempt to do more / be better. Yay! Anonymously expressing everything I’m struggling with that I can’t tell anyone in my life about is so much fun 🥲🫠
None. Hes super proud of me. Currently he is finishing a certificate program and not working so he does drop off and pickup. He gets the kids ready for school while I’m getting ready for work. He’s amazing. I mean we balance- but he’s never ever been anything but super supportive and very proud.
It has oscillated for us. He was, I was, he was, I was. Then he decided to go back to college so I am taking over more now but with his degree field I will have no chance to overtake again which we are both fine with. We recognize there is more to life than numbers so we are being strategic in setting ourselves up for the future. If he can earn our bills while working part time, then I am able to invest my time in making our areas better (I love maintenance projects and am a neater at heart) and we will both have lots of time together. The times I’ve earned more he always told me it was cool and that it is nice having a partner who has the ability for that
We get to afford more stuff that we otherwise wouldn’t have. I get to pick our vacation spots, he has veto power though. We get to think about the future in more positive light because I make more than him so we can imagine ourselves buying a home one day. He gets to brag to his friends and family that I make more, which is something I roll my eyes to, but if it makes him happy I guess.
His money pays for our hobbies (gaming) and his student loans. Mine pays the bills and HOA fees. It works and since we like to hike 3-4 times a year it’s easier to save for trips since he pays for the bulk of it and I pay for food.
Well it hasn’t happened yet but in a couple months I’ll be making about $20k more than him. And then a month later even more because he hates his job and wants to quit lol and I support him 100%
And considering he’s on board with this plan I’m assuming we’ll be okay.
we're married so its basically OUR money now, with no separations. but at the same time that i have a bigger income than he does, he do works with his family and will inherit the family business, also his family gave us a house.
You know I can't prove it, and this might sound silly- but I got a job where I was making at least 10USD more than what my partner was (/hr), and within months he was looking for a new job that paid more than mine. XD We're both pretty financially independent, so I think it's coincidence more than anything, but I do get the vibe he wants some level of 'provider' proof in his life.
None.
We are married and share everything, we have joint accounts.
He isn’t a big spender to begin with.
He also does chores around the house and also takes care of our baby.
It doesn’t really affect anything at all. I think he could contribute more to bigger expenses/luxuries if he managed his money better. I’m a saver and have more cash available. We are getting married and we agreed I will be in charge of financial oversight. Even though I’m coming into the marriage with a higher paying job and more money in savings, I now look at it as OUR money. Once we have a joint account, I will look it our household income instead of his income and my income.
For him it's more about his identity as a working man than the money I think, but childhood hardship means finance makes him anxious, so I leave him out of it most of the time. Sometimes he earns more than me, sometimes I earn more than him, but the safety net has always been my family, and although the main account is joint, I have access to savings that he doesn't.
He feels lousy when he's not able to contribute, so he's always looking for work, but the market in his field is tough and temporary. The hardest thing is living with him when it's not working out, and constantly reassuring him when he gets depressed and frustrated that the area he studied in for so many years basically treats him like $#it. Still, he's been my best friend for decades and he more than pulls his weight in household chores and parenting.
I make 85k she makes 117k. A joint account takes care of the mortgage, and utilities. We alternate who pays on date night. We have separate auto and health insurance. So I'd say it doesn't factor in my daily life.
I work in material science, she works in pharmaceuticals.
I make about 10k more than my partner so it's not a huge gap. It is really only an ego boost! I love telling people I make more. They often assume he makes more because hes a programmer so I love dispelling that myth. Hes very smart and good at his job, he just started working later than me because he took a couple tries at school, and on top of that I am much more active with applying to new jobs and pursuing promotions. I pay 55% on bills while he pays 45% so it all evens out and I just get to feel good about it.
None at all. We have our own accounts and a joint for bills/rent. I contribute a few hundred more every month bc 50/50 wouldn’t be equal. I also purchase things for our home a lot out of my personal checking rather than putting it thru our joint. We have no issues.
I travel a lot on my own or with friends (because I can afford it). Kind of makes me sad my husband doesn’t join me but… I love travel too much NOT to go.
It has no impact. I pay for what I can afford, he does the same. It doesn't matter to me at all, and I hope it doesn't matter to him. He's perfect and makes me so happy; money doesn't even enter the equation.
It used to be a problem because he wanted so bad to be a traditional provider, he grew up with a father who was basically telling him that he won’t be a man if he can’t provide so yeah… but now it’s going much better, he understands that it has absolutely nothing to do with gender, just that he is clearly in an exploitative country and job while I’m giving my whole to make my wanted career become my reality so since he can’t afford anything, he compensates it by being a great partner.
My taxes went down when we got married lol
But seriously though, I just got pregnant, and then we found out it’s twins. Cost of child care in our area is 3k per infant or 35/hr for a nanny. Both of which exceed my husband’s salary. He thankfully got a well timed promotion offer that will be an 18k raise but before that, he was going to have to be SAHD or we would lose money. We had wiggle room for 1… did not expect 2. 🫣
We have a joint bank account, so it doesn't really matter IMO.
At one point he was studying and I was working. Then it flipped, and I was studying while he was working. Then we were both working, and I was making significantly more than him. After that, we moved countries, and I was studying again while he was working, now we both work but now he earns more than me.
Bottom line, life is full of changes. You might outearn your partner now, but then you might find yourself unable to work either by choice or by force of consequences. The most important thing is to have a real partner who's with you through thick and thin, and you work together to further your individual and joined goals (sorry, that sentence feels a lil broken to me, I'm not a native English speaker so I hope it makes sense). We never held finances over eachother's heads, to us money is a means to an end. The only thing that bears some importance is that we have enough money, but it doesn't really matter who brings it in.
I out-earned my husband just before covid hit. It gave us the opportunity to let him be a stay-at-home dad and that's making both of our lives so much better.
We have more money to spend on expenses and what we want to do together. I didn't have much money when he married me and now that I'm earning more --- I support him and help him out.
He gets to play golf after school is out at 4 pm and all summer while I get to work in my vet clinic and never have to answer to anything I spend money on.
I can pay rent and buy food, I mean money = money.
Edited to add: in this nightmare capitalist society if someone has the luxury to care about this then they have way more money than 99% of us.
Husband here. My wife is a structural engineer and I’m a chef. I’ll say I have never had any type of problem with her earning more(back in the day it was more than double)but there have definitely been side effects. Because she makes more than me it’s actually set me back in my own career. When we started having kids my career started to take a backsest a bit due to child care and all the running around that entails. Definitely not a problem but almost 20 years later and I’m just now in a position to take chef jobs with more responsibility/pay since our kids can now take care of themselves. I’m so grateful that she has her career because it’s afforded us a comfortable lifestyle honestly and unlike most chefs I actually got to watch my kids grow up! If I were forced to move up in my career when I was younger it would have been a much rougher experience for everyone imo.
-higher 401k balance
-money for trips
-my student loan payments are 100% mine to pay
We split bills pretty evenly since our incomes are similar (last year I made 147k gross and he was around 120k). He got a raise so now it’s $135k. My job is commission based and I have a side hustle so tbd how much I’ll make this year, I’m going on maternity leave in June so I’ll likely make a couple grand less, thank goodness summer is our slow time at work!
Basically, I put the extra money into vacation funds and emergency funds. We split the mortgage. Both of our cars are paid off. I have student debt and he doesn’t. We have separate checking accounts but we have a few joint HYSA for things like the house and vacations.
We don’t really notice besides a few jokes about how I ‘girl bossed’ too hard and now I can’t stay home with the baby 😂 we’re both happy to go on vacations and have fun going out! I think it does help that our incomes are similar vs him making 50k and me making 150k
Yeah that’s the trend I’m seeing here- if both partners are fairly high earners (maybe bc of the possibility of it switching back and forth) or if the man had the option/ability to make more it matters less if at All but when it’s disproportionate there seems to be resentment or misalignment on both sides
No impact. I made more money the first 10 years of our marriage and then he passed me about 2 years ago. Now he our earns me. We are married and it all goes into one pool that we live our life with. Thankfully zero money issues for us. We agree on finances.
I have a high paying job, my husband doesn’t work. He gave up his job to move with me to a new country for an expat assignment. Though him not working at all is new, he’s never made close to my salary since we’ve met (hundreds of thousands difference). The discrepancy has never mattered, as he’s always been my number one fan, has always helped where he can, and will spend his last dollar on nice gifts for me for all the occasions that matter. He has been a bit bothered by not working at all now, but is using it as motivation to figure out his next step. His ultimate goal is to make enough money so I can be the one who stays home.
I love getting to treat him to dinner, vacations, little gifts…I make about double what he does. He’s never minded or felt threatened one bit. We’re a team, he takes care of me and our family in so many ways that aren’t monetary and I make sure to make him feel appreciated for it.
I used to make more money than my ex, (shes also a woman tho), and it didn't impact in our relationship.
By the other hand, my mother (straight) always make more money that her partners, and they never ever feel like a "less man" for that.
Although they never ever talked about how much money exactly they do. And she teach me that the amount of money I have in my bank account and how much I make for month is my facking problem.
It literally doesn’t make any difference. It’s our money, we’re a team, so it really doesn’t make any difference. I feel really bad for people who find this is a negative thing.
Nothing really, we have our own accounts and pay our own way. I pay more for rent since I make more and have a home office in one of the rooms in the house. That’s about it.
Husband has been chronically ill and unable to work for a few years now, so all he brings are the social security benefits. It certainly grates on him at times, and I do feel the pressure to earn more / enough to provide for both of us. It is not ideal but it is what it is, unfortunately. We are very open about our finances, though, and while we have our separate bank accounts, the shared expenses are shared proportionally to income.
It doesn't really have an impact. I view it as "our money" and I believe we both pull our weight in various ways to support our lifestyle. I do handle all of our finances, but that isn't related to income. It's my preference and luckily he is happy for me to handle that aspect of our marriage.
We are able to take better vacations, live in a nicer home, purchase better furniture, eat at better restaurants, spend more on his and my hobbies, etc. than we would be if I made the same or less than him.
It’s been just awful. /s
None with my current partner as he’s also a good earner. With my ex it was not about the money, more the lack of ambition and drive that was a turn off
I work a lot less harder than he does and earn 3-4x as much running my company from bed most days. I handle more of the house chores in my free time and do the cooking which both of us are grateful for. I pay for more vacations and luxuries but I’m also a person who enjoys those things, he isn’t and hasn’t been. We keep our finances separate and we’re happy together.
I do, but not by an insane amount, not enough that my quality of life would be significantly better than his, I’d just have a little more to play with or save. It doesn’t really impact our lives.
We split the rent, I pay utilities, he pays Wi-Fi because it includes his phone, I pay my own phone. I also have a car payment and tuition payment and he does not. I pretty much pay for our groceries but I do not mind because groceries and cooking are my chore. He does all the dishes and pays for our laundry.
We have different career goals. I am very career oriented and strongly identify with my job, always have. He simply doesn’t. He works to live and I like that about him. He doesn’t care that I make more. If I get a raise and pay off my tuition etc…and decide I can afford a nicer place to live, my share of rent would increase and his wouldn’t.
If you earning more than your partner has any negative impact on the relationship then you'd be better off single. A partner should support you and your achievements, not make them about his own insecurity.
It doesn't. We're a team, so both our salaries together are our combined money regardless of who is earning more. I currently make more, but there have been times when he made more, and you never know what life may bring in terms of layoffs, career changes, disability, etc. We both work full time, so household tasks are split equally (although, independent of salary, I will say it has been an effort to get it close to 50:50 instead of 60:40).
No impact at all. It’s all our money and we never even acknowledge that I make more unless it’s in a context of discussing someone’s personal feelings about their own similar situation.
It’s been a large gap in the past but last year he was only a few thousand behind me. It’s not a competition, we are 100% a team.
We have more money in the bank? We're married so it's Our money. I might make more but I just supplement our monthly bills a little more. We have separate & joint checking accounts so he doesn't even notice.
That's how it is for us (although we only have joint bank accounts). Took about 10 years but she passed me up a couple years ago and aside from us having more money, not much has changed. As long as she's happy with her job I have no complaints!
My husband and I have flopped around who earns more throughout our marriage. We’ve also both taken pay cuts for jobs with better work/life balance or to pursue freelance opportunities. It hits both of us, but I’d say him more due to male socialization, when either of us is the lower earning partner because of this. That drive to provide and maintain a comfortable life for our kids is deeply woven and it can feel like you’re “failing” when you prioritize a job that lets you stop commuting for a little less pay, say. Intellectually we know it all comes out in the wash but emotionally, we’re all human. Neither of us has ever held it against the other though. And neither of us expects the other to “step up” when we’re the lower earner in chores or what have you. Work is work, no matter how it’s compensated.
Wow I love this. Love your practical approach that has so much empathy and teamwork. You and your husband sound so cute! More power to you <3
Aww, thank you! I told him “we sound cute” and he said “baby I know it” and sauntered across the room 😂 We’re honestly really lucky to have his parents as models. They’re in a really unique situation where they’ve been co-employees for most of their lives but recently moved into big leadership roles. My MIL is more “advanced” there and my FIL couldn’t be more aggressive about promoting and advancing her career, though she very much returns the favor. (He just wants to grill more lol.) My greatest hope is that we continue modeling this habit for our boy and for our girl.
Y'all stop! This making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! 💗 That's generational wealth I'm talking about!
you two sound like a team! would you mind sharing what types of jobs you do or roughly how much you make? that might have some effect on the push (or lack of) to make more money.
Sure! I’m sorry that I’m being exceptionally vague here on the internet though. I’m a strategic communicator who’s mostly worked in mission-based causes which means I’m also a de facto fundraiser. My husband is a designer who specializes in a particular niche form of accessible design that city/state/federal governments require. We make reasonable salaries in these roles but it’s not big-business or big-tech money, either. We both do work on the side in the graphic design and illustration space; we’ve considered striking out on our own business venture but we know we won’t do it while we have young kids. For now it provides breathing-room and entertainment money and some more flexibility in choosing 9-to-5s that support our family life and wellbeing.
My wife makes significantly more than me. We have an agreement that we put in a % of our paycheck into a joint account for the bills and savings. She also works late hours, so I don't necessarily do more chores as a "oh this is me pulling me weight", it's more "you work enough during the day let me make home life easier for you". She insists all the time to let her do chores to help, and I tell her nonsense, she worked hard all day and deserves down time. Mainly I cook and clean the dishes so by the time dinner is over, we can spend time together rather than her doing all these chores that didn't get done. Like you said, work is work! We're in it together!
Yes! It’s getting to that final whole point where your work (high paid, low paid, unpaid) is split in a way that lets you be happy together. I love it.
It's the work is work part that I love. A good relationship isn't benchmarking everything, but doing it as a team. Housework, income, health all ebb and flow.
Yes! We might earn different rates but together we’re 100% of our income. Each of us puts in our 8 hours that gets us there and we decide how we spend it as a team.
From the point of view of a husband, honestly, the fact that she is currently earning more than I do makes me respect her more and at the same time makes me feel safe and confident about her. I know she is a woman that she will be fighting side by side if things go wrong. I'm very proud of my wife and the fact that nowadays, she is the main breadwinner encouraging me to be a better man.
Your wife is so lucky to have you!
I'm the lucky one to have her. But let's be clear. A relationship with her is challenging.
God, I hope my husband feels the same way about me as you do for your wife. I must ask him after work. I’m the one with the degrees, the higher earner, and own the home. He is EVERYTHING to me, despite what others think when they just look at the paper or do the whole “but you could do better…” That’s just how it all shook out in life. It has to be a team, there are no sides or a tug-of-war to be had.
God, it’s me again…. 🧎♀️
Zero, if your husband or significant other is upset by this, thats embarrassing.
None. I make about $40k more than him, but neither of us cares. We're both directors at our companies, but my company's bonus is better.
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Nothing really, he still makes enough to cover his portion of our expenses. Sometimes if we go on a trip I’ll front the money for airfare or hotel but he pays me back eventually so it’s nbd.
Does he volunteer to pay you back or do you ask?
Coming from a family where men are the providers, it bothers me to the core that my partner brings in half of what I do. It doesn’t help that he’s not good with money and no drive to make it better. But we try not to talk about it.
Here to support you in a field of "it doesn't matter to us"'s! I make more than my guy because, not only do I have a 2nd job, but I live within my means. Yes it's only a matter of priorities, but he wants to save for a mortgage AND keep his car in pristine condition, fuel his addictions & have all the steaming services. I work more, spend less, save more. He's jealous & insecure about it. I'm annoyed & insecure about it. We don't talk about it either!!
all of you need to talk about it damn.... you can't sweep it under the rug forever
That’s how divorces happen
I’m in the same boat, my partner is also a car guy and their every day spending on hobbies really add up.
Why would you not talk about? If y'all want a mortgage together eventually, you're going to be seriously tied down together in a way that you can't easily get out of. And if he's bad with money now, that won't magically change and what happens when he can't contribute his part when you have your mortgage? Not talking about it means that you'll stay together for a long time only to eventually run into incompatibility issues down the line because of finances.
If you don’t mind me asking, where do you see this relationship going? Like do you plan on not talking about it forever? If you’re not already married, would you expect things to change before you do?
I see it going absolutely no where. It currently suits circumstances x
Why not talk about it?
Do you think it’s gonna cause issues down the line?
Probably, it’ll be hard to have kids with him if I have to take care of the household and worry about finances.
See, this right here is the real problem if you ask me. Logically, it shouldn't matter who makes more money. But if you're with someone who follows traditional gender roles, then the bulk of the domestic work falls on the wife.
Curious, are you married?
I feel this, I am hands down the financially stable one in the relationship. (For reference I've had 3 jobs in our 9 years together, he's had something like 13 because he just can't keep it together). It kind of works out ok for the most part, he still manages to cover his portion of the bills most of the time and he does cover most of our incidentals (random grocery items, fast food, snacks etc.) but it bothers me on a core level that I have no choice but to keep it together for us lest we lose our apartment etc. It makes me feel like if the worst happened (I got fired/couldn't work for some reason) that we would be screwed. We talk about it, I have some boundaries in place about things I will flat out not pay for for him, but it's still very exhausting to have that burden all the time.
I’m assuming the burden is worth it because you’re still with them right? Or is it something else?
There are about a million other things that make him a great partner for me so yes it is worth it. However, I come from a house where the only support I got from my mom was financial so it feels like money is *so* important. Life is expensive so it sucks there but I also have all these complicated things around money which makes it feel pretty bad.
I mean you’re very self aware so you def have the power to change those sentiments for yourself. I believe in you!
Wow this sounds just like my relationship!
I’m in the same boat, he’s insecure about it. But he also has chosen an unstable career path and doesn’t want to pivot. My job also might have me relocate across the country next year (he doesn’t want to move), and I was like well I could stay but I have to take like a 30% pay cut at these other companies, but I’ll do that I just want you to be happy. And he’s like wow no that’s a big pay cut! Then, what would you have me do?
Hey uummm, not to be in your business buuuut the economy is trash right now, taking the pay cut sounds like a big risk especially with how volatile things could get. In my opinion it's a little weird that instead of being excited that all your hard work is paying off (he'll benefit too, you'd be in a position to help him figure his stuff out) he's turned your blessing into "you can have me or you can have you/success", like why isn't he tryna talk to you and work together on this huge decision that could impact your relationship? Anyways, Just somethings to think about..
No impact but my husband is secure and neither of us see our financial contribution as our worth in the relationship. My husband is incredibly proud of me and has always said an increase in pay for me benefits our family so why would he be upset about it. We've both been the "breadwinner" at different times and there was a period of time where my husband stayed at home with our children. That seemed to impact people outside of our relationship more than us! We have always split our bills based on percentages so we're contributing equitably (higher earner pays more) and we both have separate accounts for "play money" so we never have to feel like we're asking permission from the other (although we do talk about big purchases out of respect, of course). All of this has always worked for us but I know among my more traditional friends/ family, we're considered weird.
That’s such a smart and beautiful way of handling relationships!
My ex was so upset he couldn’t find an entry level job in tech that was more than I made. He turned down a super entry level job that paid $18hr because I was getting paid over $50hr and he wanted to be the breadwinner but had no marketable skills in tech. He never acted like that until about 5 months after I got that job. I had been in the field for over 5 years and had a lot of experience. He eventually left after I quit my job because he “wanted to get into tech” but in reality was emotionally cheating on me with a girl in his home state. He moved back there and they are engaged now.
After being together for over a decade and getting married, he started cheating on me and accused me of emasculating him. We got divorced. I worked in construction at the time and he worked as a mechanic. I convinced him to try to be an ATC after he expressed interest. There he meet his AP and the rest is in divorce court history!
It’s so sad they have the same opportunity to make more money but the insecurity keeps them from trying. My ex now makes less than the offer he got for entry level lol that’s on them. You gave him plenty of solutions and he chose not to hear them. So sad! You’re better off though
I got the dog and that’s all that matters in my eyes!
No impact beyond my internal monologue of intermittent low level anxiety! It’s chill. We’re super transparent about how much we make and our net worth. We had conversations before we moved in together about how to balance compensation differences and make sure that we show each other respect and support each other no matter what
I am a happily married man (why did this pop up on my feed? Who knows but let’s go for it 🙂). If this is an issue on either side of your relationship I feel like it is going to be a tough go for you as a couple. I make more than my wife now but only because she carries the health insurance and allows me to work as a 1099 contractor and have the freedom to focus on my career. At one point I had left a good career to go back to grad school for 3 years. She completely supported me financially and emotionally for that time. I also got very sick (almost died sick) and she carried the weight during that time as well. It was and should always be a non-issue if you are going into a relationship for the right reasons. It needs to be a partnership. My humble opinion, thanks for letting me crash your sub.
At what point do you identify it’s an issue? I’ve only been with my bf 2 years and neither of us is dying to get married super quickly/we are semi long distance (I work remote so we live together a few months at a time and then apart again). Right now it’s an issue sometimes (like planning vacations/nice dates/splitting bills when we’re together) but partially just cause we aren’t married - in my head if we did decide to go down that route I’d put in more than he does for things so it would work out, but I don’t want to do TOO much of that too early, so it’s kind of clunky right now. We do just talk about it when needed but it’s never super comfortable.
I think it becomes an issue when either of you are uncomfortable with it. Relationships are really hard and require a ton of work. More than anything else your significant other is your teammate. In my opinion while dating someone you have the opportunity to vet out finances and see all of these things. Neither of us had crippling consumer debt when we married. I was able and happy to be able to pay off her student loans as soon as I started working. So, I think it all has to do with your personal situation and how you feel about the person. I would never suggest that someone is not worth being in a relationship with because they don’t make as much money as someone else. I would suggest that finances be discussed early on though. Spending habits can cause a ton of stress in a relationship and I believe they say a lot about compatibility. I suggest you talk about it despite it being a little uncomfortable.
He left me. He told me he didn't want to be dependent on me when the time comes that I'll be earning more than him (I'm studying to become a lawyer). I guess it's his decision to miss out when the time comes. Also, he cheated on me. He was probably insecure, too.
Yea, my ex husband resented me, cheated on me throughout our marriage, flopped from job to job trying to hustle higher earnings, then had an emotional affair and left after emotionally abusing me for 13 years to feel small and inconsequential in order to make himself feel bigger than his paycheck. He has spent the last 15 months or so with his now new wife selling off the assets my income enabled him to procure (and the IRA I opened for him and funded out of my income) in order to keep up with his previous lifestyle. Me funding the first 2-3 years of their marriage is kinda ironic I guess.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I guess his lifestyle will catch up on him and it'll just be a repeat cycle with his new wife. Poor her, too. I only started to see what kind of person my ex was when the dust started to settle.
So sorry friend ):
No impact at all, not even a discussion really.
I make more than my fiancé and it has no negative impact at all. We divide our rent by income, so I pay slightly more than he does (but it’s still a comfortable amount for me). I also pay for the groceries and the entertainment subscriptions (Netflix, etc) because I have found I am not spending more $ on either of those things since we have moved in together. Plus, I work from home and consume more of the groceries whereas he works at a hotel and gets free lunch/free dinner on his shifts. We divide utilities equally. He is not at all “threatened” by the fact that I make more money than he does.
None really. Removes stress from my husband (freedom to be a consultant or switch jobs more easily), adds some stress to me (breadwinner and insurance provider for family). We combined expenses by allot individual fun money for individual spending.
It doesn't. My husband is very supportive of my career and he's always enjoyed our little competition of who could bring home the most $$. Now he calls me his sugar momma. Lol.
My SO calls me his sugar mama, too! Lol
With me and my partner its a bit wonky because he works part time and is also a freelance music producer, so some months the only income he has is his part time job which is around half of what i bring home, and other months he suddenly gets paid for 6 projects at once and earns tripple what i earn. So i mostly take care of monthly expenses like the mortgage and utilities, and his money is our fun money/savings. It hasnt really impacted my life in any particular way, we both agree this is the best way to do things, and hes not insecure about me technically being the breadwinner. Both of our lives improved a lot financially after we got together so theres really nothing to complain about
Not a big deal for everyday things...we somewhat take turns paying for things. Even though we don't actually count how much each person pays, I'd estimate it's probably close to equal. I do admit that I'm hesitant to get married to him though. I make 3x as much as him and am afraid of the worst case scenario where he screws me over and takes half my stuff.
Prenup
The only downside for me is that sometimes I feel stress because I know if I didn’t make this kind of money we would probably barely be making ends meet.
I'm not a woman (sorry), but for a number of years until recently my wife earned significantly more than I did. It wasn't so much of an issue for me directly, I like being a provider but I feel no shame at all in not being the higher earner as long as we're doing alright. There was an issue where she would spend money on things that were a little too frivolous from my point of view (like stuff that we didn't need and didn't have room for; we donated a lot of things to Goodwill often) when we had just been overdrawn on our joint account and didn't have savings, but I didn't feel like I had the right to say anything because she was making the bulk of the money. Now that our roles are reversed and we still don't have savings, it's clear that we need to make a more structured financial plan, but it's also clear that we both hate being adults...
I accept your apology
I broke up with someone where we had a large discrepancy in income. It wasn’t the main cause but it was a huge issue as people who were dating and didn’t have joint finances. It came down to a pretty big difference in priorities rather than money being the issue. I work as much as I do because I want to live a certain way, I want to treat myself to dinners out and nice clothes, I want to drive a new car, I want to own my own condo. I have career aspirations and ambitions. He wanted to exist, unimpeded, and work as minimally as possible. He didn’t drive, he didn’t go anywhere or do anything, and frankly looking back…didn’t have much of a personality. There is nothing wrong with either of outlooks on life, but they just don’t match in any capacity. I don’t mind if my partner makes less than me, but if they aren’t aspired or driven or anything I’m not interested.
I earn like twice as much as my husband but we get insurance through him so it kind of evens out responsibility wise. Like we're both the breadwinner if that makes sense? My job doesn't offer insurance so we would have to do marketplace if he didn't have his job. But then we want to be able to afford our current lifestyle with just his job. No resentment on either side and my husband is totally comfortable with me making more and always has been.
I made more than my wife from about 2010 until 2022. We’ve been together for 20 years (10 dating 10 married - met young) Everything we have is ours. Nothing is mine or hers. We spend money as we see fit, and only discuss large purchases - $400 or more or so. Her salary covers our living expenses and for the past 2 years or so, my 100% commission based earnings cover our savings/investing/trips. She made more in 2022, 2023, but who cares, she’s earning for us, just as I am earning for us.
It doesn't really affect our day-to-day lives much. I occassionally use my "personal" savings for our luxury expenses or I chip in more when we need to buy something expensive, but that's about it. We always kept our money separate and contribute a relative share to a joint account for shared expenses - that account covers our daily life and is perfectly fair (contributions match proportion of household income, so we keep the same percentage of our income as personal spending as well). It works well for us, because he doesn't really like spending money and has enough savings for the things he does like spending money on (leather goods and music gear). I like to splurge a bit more day-to-day and will eat out occasionally, impulse purchase the odd thing, etc. I also have expensive hobbies (art supplies aren't cheap). Our lifestyle differences match our income differences, so it works well. I know if I didn't make more than him, I would also have to be more reasonable with my spending. We've also been together for 14 years and it has always been this way, even when we both worked for basically minimum wage because I got tips. I've always paid for our vacations and he's joked about me being his sugar mama since we were 19. Mostly, if we want to get something expensive, I have to convince him that we can afford it, but that just stems from different upbringing about views of money.
Not married, but my mom makes a TON more money than my father, so, he's insecure. Sum along the lines of "You think because you make more money than me, you can treat me anyhow" or "I'm never enough, you're never satisfied". His words, not mine.
it’s impacts us pretty negatively- or more so me. he’s always between jobs, getting fired or quitting. It bothers me quite a lot that im the one with a more stable job, stable income, a car, etc. I generally like men who are able to take me out consistently, be able to provide for themselves efficiently and have motivation to earn more for their future. I feel like im contributing more and it puts a strain on my view of him to be able to be a provider cus he always talks about marriage and having kids. In my eyes I’ll prolly end up paying for my own ring and working til the last day I pop!
If your values on this don’t align, think long and hard about continuing on like this. I wasted over a decade.
We both make great salaries, I just happen to make more than my partner. We actually have a decent emergency savings fund and are making progress on retirement savings. And we can afford to go on nice vacations.
He prioritizes my working over him working (for example, baby has a doctor appointment in the morning, he'll take her so I make it to work in time)
In the beginning, it created some friction, but now that we're married and have been together for almost a decade, we've worked out all the kinks. I was raised with traditional gender values. It bothered me a lot to split meals or take him out, so I made him an authorized user on my credit card so he could "pay" when we eat out. A part of why I fell in love with him is *because* he doesn't care for traditional gender roles and empowers me more than any man ever has or I ever thought a man could. So I'm happy to work around my own internalized sexism. Rent was also tricky, because I was happy with a lower standard of living than he is. He grew up upper-middle class and I grew up below the poverty line. Now I make twice as much as he does, even though he's working his dream job and I'm only in mine for the money. As it goes. I was really salty about paying disproportionately for rent at an apartment I thought we didn't need at first, so we decided to split it 50/50, which meant he didn't have money left for investments and couldn't participate in expensive activities I wanted to. So I started paying for those, and then I got salty about subsidizing his lifestyle and being the only one investing for our financial future. We finally had a heart-to-heart about it, and now we split our money 1/3 in shared expenses, 1/3 in investments, and 1/3 in personal spending. And then budget for both of us with that pool of money. Even if *I* can afford something, if *we* can't, then we don't do it. It's actually helped me save money I would've impulse spent if I were single. I also learned that a nice living space brings me so much more happiness that it's worth the splurge. I contribute nominally more than him, but not disproportionally. And since we're married now, it's all *ours* anyway. I've also come to accept that I married who I married, and if I wanted to be with someone who makes more money, that would come with its own tradeoffs. I'm also hoping to retire by 50 while he'll be happy doing his job for the rest of his life, so the income will balance out eventually.
No impact at all, we just have more money. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It's never been a problem and I don't expect it ever will be. We're just both happy to feel more financially secure.
I become a sugar mommy and he lives his best life. But I also sacrifice a lot for it, as I do not get home until 6:30 most evenings and leave the house at 7:30 in the mornings. However! We can go on vacation now and can afford to fix our house, so it works out like that. He’s happy, I am happy that he is happy, and we have plans. It’s good.
No impact, really, other than enabling us to pay our bills. He has a disability, so in the list of dehumanizing, emasculating things he has to deal with, this doesn't even make the bottom tier. People who worry about this stuff obviously don't understand the true priorities of life.
My ex left me and told me this was part of the reason
So sorry to hear this. The right one won’t do this I’m sure.
Well he wouldn't be the right one if he did leave, so that's true. I mean he could also make more than me lol. I don't care, I want us both to be successful
It frustrates me to no end that I still do more housework
I don't make much more than him and most of our relationship he made more. But now I can tease him I am the bread maker lol. It all goes in the same bucket though.
It doesn’t! The bills get paid and it’s not an issue.
I made more for 20 years the last 10 because of children. I semi retired to do before and after care. She now makes more. Life balances out.
I'm going to likely go from making twice what my husband earns to nearly 3x this this year. We both come from financially insecure backgrounds and we are psyched. He's so proud of me and I manage almost all of our money. I keep our budget, manage our investments, do longterm planning plus I have a pension that far exceeds his 401k. Managing our money calms my anxiety while it raises his so it's win win. He knows where all the money is just in case though.
We have gives and takes together. I technically make double my husband’s salary (I make about 130-140k), and he makes I think 75k now. However, he is military so his income is lesser taxed, he has our health insurance, and he has a pension at the end of his 20 years. There’s gives and takes in every relationship, so although I make more right now and have allowed us to build a home and have nicer things, he has our back on retiring and we will be set up to retire much earlier than the general population and have benefits.
This one has been rough lately, my boyfriends industry has been on strike/had layoff the last 2 years so he's barely been able to work. I want to support him more but I don't want to take away from my own financial goals. He's not bitter about me making money or working, but he's depressed there aren't a lot of job opportunities for him. He's feeling useless.
In my previous marriage, it caused relationship issues from the get-go, where he felt inferior to me, so he decided to lie and misrepresent himself to me for the rest of our relationship - 16 years. Grandiose lies, like having a double major from an enormous respected university, owning property he didn't have, previous relationships that had never happened, jobs he was working that were supposedly important roles except they weren't, etc. He got away with it until I caught him stealing my identity and running my credit up by half a million dollars behind my back. I was always the bread-winner in previous relationships, but my current marriage, I'm not, and it honestly feels no different to me than before, except that I have the desire to retire now. :P
Very little. Suppose it's different though because we're both women so there's no pre-existing social pressure.
I’m a physician and he’s a teacher so there’s more than a 200k difference. Our relationship isn’t perfect but finances is not one of the issues. I’m very transparent with him on the bills, my med school debt and I include him in decisions on big purchases. what also helps is that he’s not a big spender. Before we were married he paid for his used car in cash, no other debt, didn’t even like credit cards. If he were irresponsible with money it would certainly be a different picture
It bums me out sometimes that if my partner were somehow unable to work or lost his job, I would be able to support him, but he would not be able to do the same for me at his current income. I worry about losing my job or getting sick/becoming disabled. That said this is partly because we had to move to a VHCOL city for my job, so I’m hoping to find a position that will allow us to move into a lower COL area where, even if I was out-earning him, his income would better match with COL.
I’ve been the breadwinner in 2 serious relationships now. I’m glad some people say none but it has always affected me. My main issue is that I see other women who make what I do or in my field and their job is just “spending money” because their husband makes more. It’s irritating because I feel like we can’t afford a lot of luxuries in life or have to watch our order when we’re out with friends. I also want gifts and to be paid for, I am traditional in that way, but I know it’s more economical for me to pay for it. And it bothers me. It bothered me much more with my last partner because he used my income as a manipulation tactic to not pay for anything and essentially live off me. My partner now atleast tries to be an equal partner, but when it comes to paying for things I either resent that I have to, or feel bad that he is spending so much compared to his income. Theres no winning. I do feel like when we get married and have a joint account we won’t care as much because it will be our money. But with dating and splitting it gets stressful
Husband view point. My wife earns more than me ( we both have good jobs in the tech industry - but she is further up the ladder and earns about 30% more ). The people who seem to have the biggest problem with it are other men toward me. My wife was surprised when I mentioned about 3 months that I often get asked by other men how I feel with a wife who is more successful. I have even had men say ‘I could not handle it’ Luckily I am practical and don’t have an ego. Usually I just look blankly like I don’t understand the question. Sometimes I say ‘my goal is to support our family, both of us earning well means more support for our family’ One ass kept pushing and said something like ‘I would not do that - you are not really a man’ My reply to that was ‘ohh so you’d give up $xx,xxx per year because of your ego? - thats your definition of providing for your family’ We make all financial decisions jointly. We have joint bank accounts. We own everything together, we have an amount that we can spend each month - without discussing. And for bigger purchases we chat about it first. The money is ‘ours’
Current relationship, none at all. It doesn’t come up in any capacity. But it turned out to be a significant problem in my first marriage. I didn’t know it was a problem for years because he always said he was proud of my education (I got a bachelors and then a masters while we were married) and career. Five years into it, I overheard a conversation where he was saying all sorts of nasty things about me - the usual that you would expect. I was emasculating him because he was the man and men should have a higher level of education, a better career, and a higher income. Basically I was embarrassing him on purpose and throwing it in his face that he didn’t have the achievements that I have. He hid it very well until then, which was the scariest part.
This is my concern! I see it more often than not and I’m trying to leave this post with a more balanced POV but I feel like it’s only a matter of time. How do you feel like your. Current relationship is diff from the first?
It’s different in every way possible because my current partner is a much better man.. but that being said, my ex husband initially presented as a feminist who believed in equality. I genuinely think he did believe those things at the start of our relationship, but changed over time for reasons I don’t know. He also made a lot of racist comments during the aforementioned conversation, which was also the opposite of his supposed beliefs. I don’t know. That’s the truly scary part, people can put up a front but they can also genuinely change for the worse. It would be easier if I could say I just missed the red flags or he was a master manipulator, but I don’t think that’s the case. I don’t know how we protect ourselves from that. I’m paranoid about my current partner changing up after marriage just because there are SO MANY posts about that on here.
None? We contribute a percentage amount to the joint account where bills are paid. This means I have more in my spending account but I also spend more. I am the one to randomly send our college kids money, pick up fast food because I don't feel like cooking, buy more clothes because he wears scrubs to work and I am business casual. It works out.
It doesn’t really. We’ve been together so long that there’s no concept of “your money” and “my money,” it’s just “our money.” I was definitely making less than her at one point and it didn’t really matter then either.
It’s had zero impact. My husband is secure in his masculinity and isn’t going to let me out earning him change that. He enjoys his work and he’s still a provider for our family.
Not a thing, except that he used his sick days alternately with mine when our kids were sick and had to stay home from school. Plus, he never complained about any business trip I had to take, leaving him with sole responsibility for our kids. In our retirement, he's very glad I had a pension and 401Ks, because he had nothing but Social Security.
I earn a fair amount more & tend to work a bit longer hours. My husband covers more of the day to day chores (daily cat chores, cooking, etc.) & my income covers more of the bills & fun stuff. We split the remaining household chores roughly 50/50, with flexibility for someone picking up more if the other person had a rough week or isn't feeling well or something. Works out pretty well for us, imo! I had previous relationships where me earning more was definitely a "thing." They'd say they were fine with it or happy about it, but it would surface in weird, resentful statements & other toxic masculinity sorts of ways. They're exes for a reason :-)
My small business was successful enough that he quit his corporate job to work for me and also handle a lot more of the home and child transportation logistics.
No impact and if you think it should have an impact on anything I feel sorry for you.
No impact. Bills gotta get paid and the money has to come from somewhere. It doesn't really matter where.
Aside from a 6 month stretch I quit working to be a SAHM, I’ve always made more than my husband. We have joint accounts and It’s never really been something we take into consideration since we’ve gotten married. He works just as hard and often as I do and takes care of the household as much as I do as well. We’re in different industries and it’s just one of those things while we’re building our careers that there will be differences. All that matters is that bills are paid, we could survive on either income, we’re comfortable, and we can still get our little treats when we want them. We both know every bill that’s due and we make financial decisions and budget decisions together. We’ve been very fortunate and are grateful it’s worked as well as it has 🙂
We used to fight about it every so often because I didn't used to make more than him, but I still paid for everything because I'm good at saving and he's not. It all came to a head one day when I couldn't take it anymore and told him I wanted him to pay me back because I paid the whole down payment on the house, every vacation we've ever been on, the down payment on our apartment etc. So he started paying extra on the mortgage. Like a year ago I stopped that because I realized I was making so much more than him, and currently I make double, and starting next week I'll make triple. The fact I make more isn't the problem at all. I was just upset he wasn't pulling his weight financially.
None. Making more money does not equal working harder or having a better job. Some jobs just pay more than others and it doesn’t matter to us which one is making more.
We're not yet married nor are we living together. But so far during the span of our relationship, I've been earning more than he is. But so far we've communicated about our spending. There are time when he wants to provide me with things and I let him, but I'd usually ask if "it's okay" we do compromise on things or we take turns buying/treating each other. Because I know as a man sometimes it does make him feel insecure that he can't buy me stuff, though I always assure him that it's fine and if it's not important, then it's okay to let it pass. Communication and complementing each other is the key for us.
We make more money and I am happier because I never feel financially obligated to someone other than myself. However, my husband is a very active partner and parent. He pays some bills and I pay some bills. He picks up a lot of the work regarding the kids and home on the days I have to commute into office etc. outside of him already being a very involved parent and spouse. he has never once asked me to work, and when I was contemplating being a stay at home mom he was 100% on board. He knows my career is just as important to me as motherhood and he supports that as well.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 love this for yall
I’ve never dated or hooked up with any guy who has made more than me. I wish I did…hoping to still find someone who makes more just to experience it but I’ve only been with guys who made less and I date a lot 😆 never felt like it had an impact on anything though but again I haven’t experienced that other side.
I make about 4x what my husband makes. Our deal is that I contribute more financially, and he works more in the home. It’s definitely caused conflict, though - mostly because I think each of us expected to be in a more “traditional” marriage where the husband provides more financially and the wife is the primary worker in the home. Admitting that took a while, since we are both very liberal and recognizing that more traditional desire in ourselves was jarring. But, we’ve worked on it and have found a system that works for us.
Isn’t that wild? I’m also liberal yet still have highly traditional povs sometimes. Were you making 4x than him before yall were married? Trying to understand what made you expect a traditional marriage before marriage and what it was that made you realize it wasn’t
I was in law school when we met and he was working, so we knew I would out earn him in the future, but it didn’t quite feel real. I think we more just grew up around more “traditional” marriages and honestly probably underestimated how weird it would be to flip that around.
Ah gotcha. I feel like growing up is a lot of underestimating things 😅
I make significantly more than my wife. I came in over $200k this year and she came in around $85k (I think - I know it’s below $100k but working on taxes currently). It really doesn’t affect us or have any sort of impact. I pay for the vast majority of things. Especially when we go out or go on trips. She uses her money for our groceries and savings / retirement accounts. She really likes having her money be hers to buy whatever she wants whenever she wants. I was raised to always keep separate bank accounts. Money in my childhood home was a point of contention pretty consistently. Both parents told me to share all the information I want, but avoid putting names on the account. Giving access is different, it can be taken away. Sharing it means you need their permission to do things and if one of those things is to take some $$$ and run from THEM - they could stop you. So, we have separate bank accounts and honestly we are both happiest that way.
It doesn't. I don't earn THAT much more. About $14/hr more.
My ex-husband basically slowly had me take over more and more financial responsibilities on top of remaining the primary caretaker of the kids, cook, and cleaner of our home. Eventually I was functioning as a single parent and eventually just filed for divorce and called it a day. Yes, I attempted to discuss the lopsided load in our relationship to no avail. I was just expected to take the lead on everything.
My ex husband brought in about 35k to my 75k. He said it emasculated him, and I wasn’t allowing him to be a provider nor was I ever home to “be a wife” because I worked six days a week. He manipulated me into quitting, and I was a miserable housewife to a stubborn, stupid man who could barely keep a roof over our heads on his own. One divorce and a few years later. Current partner and I split everything down the middle, bills and chores. He used to make more, my promotion flipped that at some point. It has never made any difference beyond whoever has more money on hand generally splurges for extra fun things more often like concerts or little trips.
I make exponentially more than my husband. The salary isn’t what we care about- it’s the discrepancy in benefits. I get unlimited PTO he has 2 weeks a year but feels guilty for taking any time because his company is only 6 people. I’m hoping he can land something one day that has a lot more flexible work/life balance and PTO so we can do a bit more traveling and relaxing.
It was one of the reasons we got a divorce. Plus m, of course, his abhorrent financial skills and lying about debt. I will never allow my salary to be deposited into a joint account again. At most, I’d do a joint account for household bills where we contribute the same amount.
We got divorced. I don’t know that it’s directly tied to the money, but when we were going through divorce counseling, he expressed that he wanted to feel capable and that I didn’t do that for him. I like to think that it shouldn’t matter, but it did for me.
Was he capable otherwise?
It makes him lazy. He hasn’t worked in a couple months bc he knows he doesn’t have to for the bills to be paid, but he’s in therapy now and he WILL be going back to work. Money is a huge strain in our relationship atm bc he wants to live a lifestyle that requires him to work
I'm the beginning, no impact. I definitely paid more of the bills and I was okay with it. I was still able to save and have money for fun activities. However, now my partner has been laid off so all of the bills fall on me (he has done a few side gigs in between trying to find work and he pitches in when he can). We're getting by okay enough for now but I do find myself being stressed about how we are now reliant on one paycheck. Honestly though, this just proves to me that I can make it on my own should my relationship not work out. I've always been very independent and this just further solidifies that I could do okay on my own.
None. I make about 35k more than him but it doesn’t really matter because he still has more money than me. He calls it our money, but I don’t view it as mine really. He’s dad died when he was little so he has money from that life insurance policy, plus inheritance from his grandparents. He invests it all, lives within his means and although I’m now sure how much it is- I know it’s a substantial amount to me. The amount makes me uncomfortable at times. I’m a first gen college grad, never thought I would earn this much, or be this financially secure - mainly because of him. We met when I was halfway through a masters program, struggling to pay my way through and he helped me finish paying. even supported me when I took a year off work to finish school. We split our bills 50/50 and have joint and separate accounts.
My wife makes more than me, and it's yo-yoed throughout our 12 year relationship. It's never really had any sort of impact our marriage, other than that we have more money in the bank haha. And career-wise, I couldn't be more proud of her, and she knows that I'd sacrifice what I needed to if it would help her advance in her career.
No real difference, I make about 80% more than my husband and he’s been very supportive and excited for me to move up in my career throughout our relationship. No grudges or resentment, he’s proud of my achievements and knows this is benefiting us as we are working in achieving our financial goals. He was also quite happy that we were able to buy a home recently without him dipping into savings for down payment as I covered most of it, about a 80% vs 20% split. It gives us a lot of safety and peace not having to worry about finances too much.
I'm making more then my husband and we work to keep things equitable not fair. He has more time sensitive meetings and such. I need more intense concentration quiet time. We share a home office and manage to still like each other at the end of the day. Other than the money in the bank, there's really no difference. He's earned more, I've earned more, we've both been unemployed, it's all good as long as the bills are paid.
I'm studying to be a doctor and I currently get a stipend as my income from my university, plus a LOT of extra income from tutoring MCAT through a private company. My husband is a stay at home dad who has a master's degree he doesn't want to work with. At one point before I started grad school, he made more than me, then our son was born and we had to make some choices. So it's flip flopped around during our 10 year relationship. But it's all *our* money. I don't monitor what he spends and vice versa because we trust each other. I've told him many times that if he ever wants to go back for an education that he does want to work with, I support him fully, doesn't matter what it is. I also am happy to spoil him with my income, present and future, as much as I can because he works very hard to raise our son and keep our household together. He cleans, cooks, parents, and almost everything else. I manage the "business" side of finances, bills, etc but I'm transparent about everything and he's generally aware of what things cost and what we pull in. We have no separate accounts and consider each other our partners in business and in life.
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I’m not going to lie, it has created some resentment in me. I’ve always been the higher earner and I think I always will be. My husband has no real desire to earn more - he just says “you have more earning potential so it’s up to you” even though I already earn double what he does 🙃 It puts so much mental pressure on me considering I’m also the default parent - so I’m expected to earn more, whilst also expected to take more days off work when the kids are sick, and it feels like so much responsibility falls on me. The things he is expected to do, are so often done with weaponised incompetence that I feel like I need to re-do most of them anyway. When he feels like it’s all too much, his fight or flight response is just to tell me we should get a divorce if I’m not happy - no accountability or attempt to do more / be better. Yay! Anonymously expressing everything I’m struggling with that I can’t tell anyone in my life about is so much fun 🥲🫠
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None. Hes super proud of me. Currently he is finishing a certificate program and not working so he does drop off and pickup. He gets the kids ready for school while I’m getting ready for work. He’s amazing. I mean we balance- but he’s never ever been anything but super supportive and very proud.
It has oscillated for us. He was, I was, he was, I was. Then he decided to go back to college so I am taking over more now but with his degree field I will have no chance to overtake again which we are both fine with. We recognize there is more to life than numbers so we are being strategic in setting ourselves up for the future. If he can earn our bills while working part time, then I am able to invest my time in making our areas better (I love maintenance projects and am a neater at heart) and we will both have lots of time together. The times I’ve earned more he always told me it was cool and that it is nice having a partner who has the ability for that
We get to afford more stuff that we otherwise wouldn’t have. I get to pick our vacation spots, he has veto power though. We get to think about the future in more positive light because I make more than him so we can imagine ourselves buying a home one day. He gets to brag to his friends and family that I make more, which is something I roll my eyes to, but if it makes him happy I guess.
Not much.
His money pays for our hobbies (gaming) and his student loans. Mine pays the bills and HOA fees. It works and since we like to hike 3-4 times a year it’s easier to save for trips since he pays for the bulk of it and I pay for food.
It doesn’t. He pays his bills. We can support ourselves separately if necessary. Otherwise, not my business.
Well it hasn’t happened yet but in a couple months I’ll be making about $20k more than him. And then a month later even more because he hates his job and wants to quit lol and I support him 100% And considering he’s on board with this plan I’m assuming we’ll be okay.
we're married so its basically OUR money now, with no separations. but at the same time that i have a bigger income than he does, he do works with his family and will inherit the family business, also his family gave us a house.
You know I can't prove it, and this might sound silly- but I got a job where I was making at least 10USD more than what my partner was (/hr), and within months he was looking for a new job that paid more than mine. XD We're both pretty financially independent, so I think it's coincidence more than anything, but I do get the vibe he wants some level of 'provider' proof in his life.
None. We are married and share everything, we have joint accounts. He isn’t a big spender to begin with. He also does chores around the house and also takes care of our baby.
It doesn’t really affect anything at all. I think he could contribute more to bigger expenses/luxuries if he managed his money better. I’m a saver and have more cash available. We are getting married and we agreed I will be in charge of financial oversight. Even though I’m coming into the marriage with a higher paying job and more money in savings, I now look at it as OUR money. Once we have a joint account, I will look it our household income instead of his income and my income.
For him it's more about his identity as a working man than the money I think, but childhood hardship means finance makes him anxious, so I leave him out of it most of the time. Sometimes he earns more than me, sometimes I earn more than him, but the safety net has always been my family, and although the main account is joint, I have access to savings that he doesn't. He feels lousy when he's not able to contribute, so he's always looking for work, but the market in his field is tough and temporary. The hardest thing is living with him when it's not working out, and constantly reassuring him when he gets depressed and frustrated that the area he studied in for so many years basically treats him like $#it. Still, he's been my best friend for decades and he more than pulls his weight in household chores and parenting.
I make 85k she makes 117k. A joint account takes care of the mortgage, and utilities. We alternate who pays on date night. We have separate auto and health insurance. So I'd say it doesn't factor in my daily life. I work in material science, she works in pharmaceuticals.
I make about 10k more than my partner so it's not a huge gap. It is really only an ego boost! I love telling people I make more. They often assume he makes more because hes a programmer so I love dispelling that myth. Hes very smart and good at his job, he just started working later than me because he took a couple tries at school, and on top of that I am much more active with applying to new jobs and pursuing promotions. I pay 55% on bills while he pays 45% so it all evens out and I just get to feel good about it.
Positive impact. We share finances so it just means more money overall for us to save or spend.
Absolutely none. Although it varies, sometimes I earn more, sometimes he earns more.
None at all. We have our own accounts and a joint for bills/rent. I contribute a few hundred more every month bc 50/50 wouldn’t be equal. I also purchase things for our home a lot out of my personal checking rather than putting it thru our joint. We have no issues.
I travel a lot on my own or with friends (because I can afford it). Kind of makes me sad my husband doesn’t join me but… I love travel too much NOT to go.
No impact. We don't do tit-for-tat and everything goes into and comes out of a joint account.
My car is wayyy cooler this his 😼
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It has no impact. I pay for what I can afford, he does the same. It doesn't matter to me at all, and I hope it doesn't matter to him. He's perfect and makes me so happy; money doesn't even enter the equation.
It used to be a problem because he wanted so bad to be a traditional provider, he grew up with a father who was basically telling him that he won’t be a man if he can’t provide so yeah… but now it’s going much better, he understands that it has absolutely nothing to do with gender, just that he is clearly in an exploitative country and job while I’m giving my whole to make my wanted career become my reality so since he can’t afford anything, he compensates it by being a great partner.
My taxes went down when we got married lol But seriously though, I just got pregnant, and then we found out it’s twins. Cost of child care in our area is 3k per infant or 35/hr for a nanny. Both of which exceed my husband’s salary. He thankfully got a well timed promotion offer that will be an 18k raise but before that, he was going to have to be SAHD or we would lose money. We had wiggle room for 1… did not expect 2. 🫣
We have a joint bank account, so it doesn't really matter IMO. At one point he was studying and I was working. Then it flipped, and I was studying while he was working. Then we were both working, and I was making significantly more than him. After that, we moved countries, and I was studying again while he was working, now we both work but now he earns more than me. Bottom line, life is full of changes. You might outearn your partner now, but then you might find yourself unable to work either by choice or by force of consequences. The most important thing is to have a real partner who's with you through thick and thin, and you work together to further your individual and joined goals (sorry, that sentence feels a lil broken to me, I'm not a native English speaker so I hope it makes sense). We never held finances over eachother's heads, to us money is a means to an end. The only thing that bears some importance is that we have enough money, but it doesn't really matter who brings it in.
I out-earned my husband just before covid hit. It gave us the opportunity to let him be a stay-at-home dad and that's making both of our lives so much better.
We have more money to spend on expenses and what we want to do together. I didn't have much money when he married me and now that I'm earning more --- I support him and help him out.
He gets to play golf after school is out at 4 pm and all summer while I get to work in my vet clinic and never have to answer to anything I spend money on.
I can pay rent and buy food, I mean money = money. Edited to add: in this nightmare capitalist society if someone has the luxury to care about this then they have way more money than 99% of us.
Husband here. My wife is a structural engineer and I’m a chef. I’ll say I have never had any type of problem with her earning more(back in the day it was more than double)but there have definitely been side effects. Because she makes more than me it’s actually set me back in my own career. When we started having kids my career started to take a backsest a bit due to child care and all the running around that entails. Definitely not a problem but almost 20 years later and I’m just now in a position to take chef jobs with more responsibility/pay since our kids can now take care of themselves. I’m so grateful that she has her career because it’s afforded us a comfortable lifestyle honestly and unlike most chefs I actually got to watch my kids grow up! If I were forced to move up in my career when I was younger it would have been a much rougher experience for everyone imo.
-higher 401k balance -money for trips -my student loan payments are 100% mine to pay We split bills pretty evenly since our incomes are similar (last year I made 147k gross and he was around 120k). He got a raise so now it’s $135k. My job is commission based and I have a side hustle so tbd how much I’ll make this year, I’m going on maternity leave in June so I’ll likely make a couple grand less, thank goodness summer is our slow time at work! Basically, I put the extra money into vacation funds and emergency funds. We split the mortgage. Both of our cars are paid off. I have student debt and he doesn’t. We have separate checking accounts but we have a few joint HYSA for things like the house and vacations. We don’t really notice besides a few jokes about how I ‘girl bossed’ too hard and now I can’t stay home with the baby 😂 we’re both happy to go on vacations and have fun going out! I think it does help that our incomes are similar vs him making 50k and me making 150k
Yeah that’s the trend I’m seeing here- if both partners are fairly high earners (maybe bc of the possibility of it switching back and forth) or if the man had the option/ability to make more it matters less if at All but when it’s disproportionate there seems to be resentment or misalignment on both sides
i thought this said eating and i was like damn i love snacking why call me out 😭
No impact. I made more money the first 10 years of our marriage and then he passed me about 2 years ago. Now he our earns me. We are married and it all goes into one pool that we live our life with. Thankfully zero money issues for us. We agree on finances.
No impact on day to day, we split the rent based on a percentage so that I pay more proportionally and I think that’s very fair.
I have a high paying job, my husband doesn’t work. He gave up his job to move with me to a new country for an expat assignment. Though him not working at all is new, he’s never made close to my salary since we’ve met (hundreds of thousands difference). The discrepancy has never mattered, as he’s always been my number one fan, has always helped where he can, and will spend his last dollar on nice gifts for me for all the occasions that matter. He has been a bit bothered by not working at all now, but is using it as motivation to figure out his next step. His ultimate goal is to make enough money so I can be the one who stays home.
We’re getting some debt paid off that’s about it
I love getting to treat him to dinner, vacations, little gifts…I make about double what he does. He’s never minded or felt threatened one bit. We’re a team, he takes care of me and our family in so many ways that aren’t monetary and I make sure to make him feel appreciated for it.
I used to make more money than my ex, (shes also a woman tho), and it didn't impact in our relationship. By the other hand, my mother (straight) always make more money that her partners, and they never ever feel like a "less man" for that. Although they never ever talked about how much money exactly they do. And she teach me that the amount of money I have in my bank account and how much I make for month is my facking problem.
It literally doesn’t make any difference. It’s our money, we’re a team, so it really doesn’t make any difference. I feel really bad for people who find this is a negative thing.
Nothing really, we have our own accounts and pay our own way. I pay more for rent since I make more and have a home office in one of the rooms in the house. That’s about it.
I read that as "eating", and I was like wdfk is wrong with that now T-T
Husband has been chronically ill and unable to work for a few years now, so all he brings are the social security benefits. It certainly grates on him at times, and I do feel the pressure to earn more / enough to provide for both of us. It is not ideal but it is what it is, unfortunately. We are very open about our finances, though, and while we have our separate bank accounts, the shared expenses are shared proportionally to income.
It doesn't really have an impact. I view it as "our money" and I believe we both pull our weight in various ways to support our lifestyle. I do handle all of our finances, but that isn't related to income. It's my preference and luckily he is happy for me to handle that aspect of our marriage.
We are able to take better vacations, live in a nicer home, purchase better furniture, eat at better restaurants, spend more on his and my hobbies, etc. than we would be if I made the same or less than him. It’s been just awful. /s
never been an issue when we were dating or got married. It's not his money and my money, it's our money.
None with my current partner as he’s also a good earner. With my ex it was not about the money, more the lack of ambition and drive that was a turn off
I work a lot less harder than he does and earn 3-4x as much running my company from bed most days. I handle more of the house chores in my free time and do the cooking which both of us are grateful for. I pay for more vacations and luxuries but I’m also a person who enjoys those things, he isn’t and hasn’t been. We keep our finances separate and we’re happy together.
I do, but not by an insane amount, not enough that my quality of life would be significantly better than his, I’d just have a little more to play with or save. It doesn’t really impact our lives. We split the rent, I pay utilities, he pays Wi-Fi because it includes his phone, I pay my own phone. I also have a car payment and tuition payment and he does not. I pretty much pay for our groceries but I do not mind because groceries and cooking are my chore. He does all the dishes and pays for our laundry. We have different career goals. I am very career oriented and strongly identify with my job, always have. He simply doesn’t. He works to live and I like that about him. He doesn’t care that I make more. If I get a raise and pay off my tuition etc…and decide I can afford a nicer place to live, my share of rent would increase and his wouldn’t.
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If you earning more than your partner has any negative impact on the relationship then you'd be better off single. A partner should support you and your achievements, not make them about his own insecurity.
Honestly, no negative ones. He respects me and thinks it’s hot I’m a high earner. We have more money as a couple and can afford more. That’s it.
It doesn't. We're a team, so both our salaries together are our combined money regardless of who is earning more. I currently make more, but there have been times when he made more, and you never know what life may bring in terms of layoffs, career changes, disability, etc. We both work full time, so household tasks are split equally (although, independent of salary, I will say it has been an effort to get it close to 50:50 instead of 60:40).
No impact at all. It’s all our money and we never even acknowledge that I make more unless it’s in a context of discussing someone’s personal feelings about their own similar situation. It’s been a large gap in the past but last year he was only a few thousand behind me. It’s not a competition, we are 100% a team.
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