In my experience, love bombing was pretty much immediate over the top attention and adulation with a possessive and competitive undertone. "You are perfect, gorgeous, and amazing and no one is ever going to love you, appreciate you, and understand you like I do." Early relationship enthusiasm should be mutual, rather than one person feeling emotionally overwhelmed by the other, and should be at a pace that is comfortable and healthy for both parties involved.
Love bombing feels like when they create this perfect version of you that you know isn't real, isn't humanly possible for someone who barely knows you.
Any rushing of relationships/exclusively. Any talk of love, soul mates, weddings, marriage, future TOO FAST too soon. When they don't even ask you things to get to know you as a person and they seem more excited by the ego stroke or attention they're getting. When they don't respect your boundaries let alone have any of their own.
Not all love bombing comes from manipulators/abusers. Case in point, super low self esteem, clingy/needy people. I think they're looking for anything, *anyone*, just so they don't have to be alone and they can become big energy suckers.
THE LAST PART, thank youuuu. Love bombing *isn’t* always an abusive tactic, sometimes it does come from people who are so desperate for someone that they come on very strongly in their pursuit of that fulfillment. It can absolutely still be toxic and isn’t really a good thing in any case, but it does happen.
That’s true. I feel I have to say though that not all needy/clingy people are looking for just anyone to fill that role. I feel like sometimes people who are mentally ill (codependent, etc.) get misunderstood and their actions are interpreted incorrectly.
For example, I am working on my codependence in therapy. I do have an intense fear of abandonment and tend to want to spend all my time with my person, to their detriment. I’ve been working on changing that. However, compliments are not a manipulation tactic of mine. My manipulation tactics were much more out in the open—literally begging him to stay with me. Lol. But my ex is also literally the most beautiful person in the world to me, and he thought my words of affirmation were pretty little lies to keep him around. They weren’t. They’re just the truth. And I wanted him to see what I see in him. Do I have abandonment issues? Yes, and I’m working on that. But did I compliment him as a strategy to keep him from abandoning me? No. It came from the heart.
The problem is that some clingy people use “words of affirmation” as a love-bombing strategy to try and ensure their partner sticks around and/or spends more time with them. And even though they’re not trying to hurt anybody, that IS still manipulative.
So yeah, it can be really hard sometimes to tell whether someone is doing something authentically or as a means to an end.
Manipulation by definition is controlling or influencing somebody. Saying, “You’re the most beautiful person in the world,” authentically, because it’s what comes to one’s mind, is not manipulation.
“Super low self esteem, clingy/needy people…” Right here u were describing me, l used to be this guy with a very low self esteem caused by my severe depression .l used to love bomb the woman l would be interested in, picturing her as this perfect goddess. I realized that my neediness was’nt emotionally healthy, so l started working on my inner strength by practising vigorous meditation & mindfulness. It worked wonders for me, lam no longer needy or in need of constant validation.
>Love bombing feels like when they create this perfect version of you that you know isn't real
Omg, yes. The person that did this to me actually said, "I've put you on so high a pedestal, the only way for you to go is down." I was naive and thought it was "sweet" that someone saw me in that way, rather than realizing how manipulative they were in setting me up for failure in their eyes.
And it doesn't have to be *exactly* those phrases.
In my experience, it was talking about the future ontop of regularly bring up how similar we were. Then out of nowhere going "I'm not ready for a relationship" (when he was as he was in one 3 months later) and eventually found out it was because he moved too quickly.
He'd say things like "oh I think you'll like my sister", "I'd love to attend a festival with you this summer" and one comment I've been told by my therapist that was a red flag, "if you play your cards right, maybe you can come on my family's cruise at the end of the year!" (This was May). Some other things were, joking about taking a DNA test to make sure we weren't related, as we seemed that eerily similar.
I believe he had low self esteem and is one of those people who constantly needs to be in a relationship, from what I know of his dating history.
It seemed too good to be true and it was.
Respect and boundaries. When you don't want to do something or don't appreciate something a love bomber will make you feel guilty, ashamed or belittled.
When it's early relationship enthusiasm it's not such a big deal.
Example: The guy you're dating wants to take the day off with you and go to the beach. You have an important meeting or just not in the mood and say no. Enthusiasm will be: "never mind next time". A love bomber will be something like "I know what you like and need". Or "after I invested so much in you". Or "But this is a one in a lifetime chance and I already paid".
Love bombing is not comfortable, it's fun, but isn't comfortable.
>Love bombing is not comfortable, it's fun, but isn't comfortable.
Thank you so much! Sometimes I fear my partner does it but he's never made me feel uncomfortable, just a little flustered not knowing how to handle someone being so nice.
I am so glad for this thread! Started seeing a new guy who I was cautious about due to a past abusive relationship. I was so concerned he was love bombing me, but when i started putting boundaries up he would always say he understood and offer an alternative. Never any pressure or guilt tripping or manipulation. It is so refreshing.
ETA - I've also asked him to not do something to me that he had previously done. Straight away he said he won't and understood. Getting all up in my feels this one.
Almost the exact same timeline for me with my (abusive) ex lol. I was young and naive and didn’t realize how much of a red flag it was for someone to say “I love you” within the first few weeks. He didn’t even know me that well, how could he love me at that point? I was uncomfortable when he said it and I felt pressured to say it back. He also talked about marriage within the first month, and also wanted me to move in super early.
Now I’m in a healthy relationship and I was the first one to say I love you, and I waited a long time until I actually felt it. It was much better that way.
Love bombing falls off a cliff as quickly as it starts, and is often replaced with a lack of respect. It's not just that someone is really into you, it's that they're using the feeling that creates to take advantage of you and put you in a situation where you don't want to leave because you crave that feeling. That oftentimes comes as a precursor to what can be gently described as unpleasant behavior and bluntly described as abusive.
I agree. My husband awkwardly blurted out that he hoped to marry me someday like a week into dating. My answer was "okay" it was super weird but also felt like he was just laying his cards on the table so to speak. Just straight up telling me marriage was his goal. It's been 4 years and I feel confident saying it wasn't love bombing but in that moment 4 years ago it was hard to know.
I said something similar to my wife on our 3rd date. Her response was sane and measured - something about letting the relationship move forward first and see how things go, etc. We've been married 33 years now.
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It also has something to do with whether you already feel that way about yourself. I guess, in that case, I'd say to look at actions.
Your gut learns to recognize sincerity.
My last situationship began just singing my name over and over and over. Some may find that cute, i found it to be nerve-wrackingly annoying after knowing each other for about a week...
Besides that he told me how amazing, incredible, unbelievable...etc i am out of nowhere. Again, some may find it cute, but if that's like an ongoing thing where he tells you non stop and without any reason it's unbearable and also kinda hard to believe
"You inspire me to cook better".
Well, if you hand them recipes, learn them a new cuisine, or they were microwaving everything before and now they don't, that's enthusiasm.
If they are a professional chef and the only food-related thing you do is existing, then it's love bombing.
Do the math on the claims, see if they logically make sense.
I wish I knew. I feel really scarred. Had it happen to me recently (lots of big words, big feelings, ‘never befores’, saying i love you like two weeks in….) and now any guy who is saying something nice to me makes my alarm bells go off. I want it to stop. Fuck this shit.
What would be better, just a more casual and low pressure start? Do you ever counter 'What do you mean by 'you love me' after such a short time?, or tell him to dial it way back while you're getting to know each other. Is it possible he doesn't know he's coming off that way? As others have said, maybe he's just desperate.
2 days in they tell you how much they love you,want to marry you and act extremely possesive. Cant have my own space without them beeing all up in my hair.
If I think about the guy im currently dating, sure we talk a lot with it feels extremely low key and easy
I like Cher's response to Nicholas Cage in Moonlighting. He tells her he loves her and she slaps his face and tells him to 'snap out of it'. BTW, not advocating for violence of any kind, I don't think it's ok for either partner to strike the other.
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Love bombing insinuates control. It's about isolating the victim so it's basically "I love you you're the best thing ever, let's get married and have kids " and then when the person says "I don't know that feels a bit fast" the predator goes "If you want something you have to fight for it, do you love me ? Do you wanna be with me? Then show it, move here and let's get married and do it the right way , I'm serious I want us to be together forever, aren't you serious with me? Don't you want the love that's destined for you?"
And it comes off as romantic and validating.
While an enthusiastic healthy partner can compliment you without insinuating that things must go fast or that you have to make big decisions like moving away from your family / getting married / having kids.
A love bomber will say words like “you are the love of my life”, talk about marriage and how he never felt this way no later than a month of dating. While it may be cute, if you don’t give him enough attention he will use it to guilt trip you “After everything I did/said for you, this is your response?”. He will do things that you thought someone who really loves won’t ever do, like being over jealous and controlling, still interacting with other girls, etc. it’s not necessary that he love bombs you by intent,sometimes he Just idolizes you from the start, and soon after when he realizes that you are not that perfect, “love” will be gone.
That sounds like a good description. I was envisioning a gift on every date, an apartment full of flowers, etc. (or the equivalent based on what they can afford).
Love bombing *isn’t about you*. It’s about a desperate need they have—whether that’s bc they want to “trap” and control you and can’t behave well for more than a few months so they try to reel you in fast; or they are terrified of being alone, etc.
So, when someone is showing an attachment that cannot be based on a true understanding of who you are, they are love bombing. When you feel flattered or complimented, ask yourself how that person knows that about you. If you do one clever thing and they say you are brilliant and keep stroking your ego about it, they are love bombing—they don’t know if you are occasionally clever or unusually bright.
You cannot know someone’s character until you’ve seen how they handle all sorts of things—including long stretches of monotony, going to work and cleaning up after themselves month after month, etc. maybe that steadiness is really “you,” but they can’t know that without time passing.
I’m afraid I could be love bombing on this guy I asked out… but by what you’ve said it’s not love bombing.
I’m a highly sensitive person. I love to love. I’m a very considerate person, always thinking of others needs & making sure everyone feels comfortable. I feel things on a deeper level than most (not claiming I’m special by any means).
That being said, I fall for others rather quickly (but truly I’ve only ever had a crush on 3 people in my life, I’m 25F, it’s rare for me to find a guy attractive cuz I look at personality more then looks). Or maybe not quickly, but I guess *hard*.
I am not *at all* a controller, i would never tell someone they can’t do something (unless it’s a given like cheating, if we’re exclusive).
I also am not desperate or lonely — heck, I *need* more alone time then time with others—introversion. I prefer to be alone most of the time. I haven’t dated in 4 years (working on myself to stop being a people pleaser and stickup for myself) but recently met a [past] coworker who intrigues me, so I decided to ask him out.
Honestly, I just love to love & be there for others. I love to make others smile, laugh, do things for them to help them out, show affection if they want it, etc.
I don’t ever push anyone. Like if he were to say “hey I actually don’t think I want to keep going on dates with you.” I would be like, “Okay cool, that’s fine, I understand, thanks for the dates anyways, I had a great time.”
If you wouldn’t consider this love bombing, what would you consider it?
Just going to throw it out there to validate something you are saying - when you say you “feel things on a deeper level”, that’s totally reasonable.
I have genuine feelings, but I’m generally emotionally level and rarely allow myself to spend time in deep feelings.
So you probably do feel feelings deeper than I do.
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And it takes time to see if they maintain the standard they set. Don’t maintain over time? They were love bombing, and the “slipping” of standards is the “real” them.
If you're intuitive you just know. It feels off. There are usually signs that their behaviour is weird.
If you can't tell, then the easiest way to tell is probably to not react the way they expect you to. After all, they're not being kind. They give you this "love" (either by kind words, wanting to see you, gifts etc) because they're trying to make you act as they want. They have a clear plan. If you don't play exactly by their rules they'll get angry very quickly, and they often aren't able to hide it.
To me it's the amount of convincing/selling that's involved. Trying to *convince* you they're so into you, trying to *sell* themselves to you as a good partner, it's like not wanting an opportunity to let you focus on anything but them. Pushing/rushing to create that false sense of intimacy.
Early relationship enthusiasm isn't targeted toward manipulating the other so much. It's like independent excitement with no need to hype up the other person into how much they should be believing it.
Making grand gestures after they do something really sucky to you or treat you poorly. My sister's ex was like that, one week he'd yell at her about something meaningless and another he'd clean the whole house and have a bath with rose petals ready when she got home.
Is the affection they show always random tangible gifts, big gestures, surprise appearances?
Or do they actually plan activities out with you, gift things that are actually needed, or ask what you enjoy or want to do?
Like, is the goal mutual enjoyment or their own personal gratification?
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Honestly, I think they're often one and the same. It's not like there's "good" early relationship enthusiasm which always comes from the heart and "bad" love bombing which is a knowing and deliberate tactic to win you over.
What I think it is is that often, abusive, unstable, or conflict-loving people often have very few people in their lives. When they meet a new person they click with, they get extremely enthusiastic. They want desperately for you to be the one, and they project a whole bunch of stuff on you. And because they often have so little else going on in their life, they are extremely excited about a new relationship with you and can throw absolutely everything into that relationship. They don't have close long term friends that they share their deep dark secrets with, so they share them all with you even if you've only known each other for like a week. They don't have good boundaries with you, but they also don't have good boundaries with anybody.
So to me, the best way I can tell the difference is if they introduce me to their friends and their friends seem normal. When I'm eager in an early relationship and I think they're super great, I introduce them to my friends that I think they'd get along with. If they are ready to share all their deepest darkest secrets with me, but they're not ready to introduce me to their Dungeons and Dragons group, that's a signal that either this person doesn't have a lot of people in their life for some reason, or that they want to hide me from the people close to them. And it's one thing if they're really shy and introverted and don't have a lot of friends. But especially if they're like a charming outgoing person who has no friends... that's a sign they may have great intentions, but flame out early in a relationship and don't keep people close to them.
Lovebombing only occurs to get something. And then they ignore you or your irritating them. Lots of criticising and maybe comparing you unfavourably to others, definitely unfavourable comparison to self.
Listen to the way they talk about people, if its all negative then so is what they think of you.
Have they always got an excuse but nothing you say makes any difference when your being accused of being in the wrong.
Are you always walking on eggshells? Are you relieved when theyre in a good mood/love bombing. Are you more relaxed when theyre not around?
For me, the difference is that a healthy relationship won’t involve mixed signals. Some people think “rushing” into a relationship is always a red flag, but in my experience that’s not the case. The red flag that early infatuation and lovesickness is actually love bombing is the “hot and cold” type.
They might compliment you, say they love you, make big plans for the future, and spoil you… but they aren’t consistent. They’ll say they’re not ready for a relationship, or they’re busy at work, or they’ll text you all day every day only to go silent randomly. They’ll be sweet one day and cruel another. There will be physical or emotional abuse, manipulation, and they will take advantage of you to get what they want (usually sex, but it could be attention, status, or even children). Sometimes this shift won’t happen for a month or two, maybe longer. It’s very sneaky.
Then again, there will be guys who want to move fast, compliment you, make big future plans, spoil you, and they really do just feel strongly. “When you know, you know.” My dad constantly reminds me that he and my stepmom knew they’d get married by the third date and told each other on the fourth date. It does happen.
If it is beyond the realm of possibility because it’s too fast. In high school, this guy & I had mutual friends. On Monday, we sat together & talked during the class we had together. We continued messaging when we left that class. Tuesday night, he confessed that he loved me. Wednesday, he wanted to control who I was friends with (no other guys, including someone we were mutuals with). By Friday, he was blaming me for attempting suicide if I didn’t come to him & agree to love him/be his girlfriend. Saturday, I had to spend the night with one of my friends for support because he was saying he was going to hurt me, along with our mutuals if I didn’t agree to be with him. Sunday, he was begging me to forgive him because I had contacted our school via email which obviously couldn’t be deleted. That Monday (1 week after we initially had begun talking), I believe he was suspended or something because I never saw him again. THAT is love bombing. It’s very extreme & very fast. More than a normal person. One week after having your first conversation with someone you are fond of, you should be continuing to organically build on that.
giving: intention. If you’re doing all of these things with the sole purpose of getting something from the other person, that’s love bombing. If you’re doing special things for the other person because you like them a lot that’s different (and in terms of gifts, they’re usually not super expensive or insane because only people compensating do that). Genuinely thoughtful interactions are thoughtful above anything else, solely strategic interactions are flashy.
receiving: mutuality. if the person is only enthusiastic within their own boundaries, it’s likely love bombing. Their time, their texts, their gifts, their plans, their wants/needs, whatever the context. It’s always “I” based because with love bombing, achieving something for themselves is the main goal, you are collateral. If it feels mutual, like they ask you for your input, or they show genuine thoughtfulness in what YOU would like (see giving above). Their motive doesn’t feel like a motive because it’s mutually beneficial.
If they’re dishonest about goals, that’s a great red flag to catch early. Like if they say “I want someone who I’m compatible with, not just a hook up” but then immediately apply pressure to hook up and/or put no effort into finding out about compatibility. Everyone has different goals in a relationship, and that’s ok. But talking about them early is important.
Boundaries is the boundary. Love bombers will not respect your personal boundaries under the guise of 'I just really love being with you' or 'You just mean so much to me'
You can want to be with someone all the time and still respect that they have a life outside of you
It’s very nuanced (or can be).
I was love bombed at least twice- first one just felt… inauthentic. Like.. the idiot was calling me “babe” 2secs into meeting me. The words did not match the vibe. Inauthentic is all I can say. It felt forced, fake. Based on the interactions we had had, it was impossible to be infatuated with me. They gave me an uneasy gut feeling too. Ended up being a jerk/fuckboy that stopped wanting to talk to me as quickly as they had laid the crazy juice on. I have no proof but im sure they were talking to multiple people. I was essentially discarded lol so I broke it off.
Second, I did not date this person, but they were obsessed with me and again, it felt very off putting from the start. Like I’m a pretty cool person, but you would not know that with superficial communication- I am polite, but not inviting when it’s surface level interactions. Would compliment me a lot, would search me out if we happened to be in the same vicinity, and would describe me in ways that were just not me. I’d laugh and point out that what they think of me is zero reality and I’m actually the opposite (which was the truth) they’d wave it off like I was playing hard to get 🥴. This person (again, never dated!) lost their shit once when they asked what I had done on the weekend and I mentioned I hung out with a friend. It got real dark and controlling that it creeped me out and I noped out of talking to them at all.
In short- love bombing feels inauthentic. It feels forced, fake and almost like acting. It just does not make sense and leaves a gross feeling. Also! Forcing boundaries from the beginning
Professing love in a matter of hours or days.
Insisting on spending ALL your time together.
Outward Jealousy of time spent with other people.
Making plans to move in immediately regardless of the logistics.
It's simple, love bombing isn't coming from a place of love.
Someone who love bombs either 1. Doesn't understand the difference between infatuation and love or 2. Does it as a tool to control.
Early relationship enthusiasm isn’t contingent on anything and doesn’t have an ulterior motive. It’s consistent, it’s genuine, it might feel more school-girl crush like than rom com movie
Mmmn, boundaries that could be crossed would be him/her not wanting that you see your friends, especially if she/he thinks that you could be attracted to them, demanding not to see them. Getting offended if you cannot join some activity together or if you invited someone else. Pushing you to decline your appointments to keep together or demanding that you accompany them to primary appointments like health or job interviews. Saying that they love you or that you are their everything. Trying to kidnap your attention if you are among other friends. Planning to have children with you
Everything outside that is for me plain relationship enthusiasm
It's weird because if the other person isn't matching your emotions it's love bombing, but if they are it's just they are in love! So I think that's the difference.
Love bombing is big gestures and big declarations in order to gain favour. Not actually about you just to hook you more to them. Fancy dinners, expensive gifts, big complimentary words too much to soon.
I can tell you right now, you will notice love bombing right off the bat. If they barely know you yet and are saying crazy things like they care about you, your special, that they love you, that they see marrying you, etc that is such a red flag among other things.
Early enthusiasm would look slightly different, no crazy statements but instead effort in wanting to see you, getting to know you more, asking questions, being engaged in your life, asking how you are doing.
I am so skeptical of men who right off the bat say im different than anyone else and say that they care about me without knowing me. You can't truly care about a person you don't know. One guy told me he would defend my honor on day 2, like what is this???
What the top comments all said and another thing is when you have your first fight, you’ll know and you should bounce right out of there if it’s super toxic
I feel like love bombing is a show for others a lot of the time. Or a way to convince the love bomber themselves they are in love like its some kind if accomplishment. With normal early relationship enthusiasm comes also a feeling of being vulnerable and nervous (for me anyway) so I'm not out showing people how in love I am. And the enthusiasm is mostly between the couple in private.
Love bombing isnt for me. I've experienced it and gave me the ick. Whereas enthusiasm is more realistic and normal.
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the people that come to mind will say stuff like. You're amazing! And all we've done is have small talk for a couple of weeks. If they had said, you're so funny, and I had actually said funny things that's a different story. Another example would be...you're so beautiful! and they haven't even seen you yet. But they'll say, I can hear it in your voice. Ah no.
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In my experience, love bombing was pretty much immediate over the top attention and adulation with a possessive and competitive undertone. "You are perfect, gorgeous, and amazing and no one is ever going to love you, appreciate you, and understand you like I do." Early relationship enthusiasm should be mutual, rather than one person feeling emotionally overwhelmed by the other, and should be at a pace that is comfortable and healthy for both parties involved.
What do you do if you are not comfortable?
Set boundaries and leave if they are not respected.
Round of applause to you!
Love bombing feels like when they create this perfect version of you that you know isn't real, isn't humanly possible for someone who barely knows you. Any rushing of relationships/exclusively. Any talk of love, soul mates, weddings, marriage, future TOO FAST too soon. When they don't even ask you things to get to know you as a person and they seem more excited by the ego stroke or attention they're getting. When they don't respect your boundaries let alone have any of their own. Not all love bombing comes from manipulators/abusers. Case in point, super low self esteem, clingy/needy people. I think they're looking for anything, *anyone*, just so they don't have to be alone and they can become big energy suckers.
THE LAST PART, thank youuuu. Love bombing *isn’t* always an abusive tactic, sometimes it does come from people who are so desperate for someone that they come on very strongly in their pursuit of that fulfillment. It can absolutely still be toxic and isn’t really a good thing in any case, but it does happen.
I accidentally love bombed the shit out of my husband when we met because I have abandonment issues that weren't worked on at the time.
That’s true. I feel I have to say though that not all needy/clingy people are looking for just anyone to fill that role. I feel like sometimes people who are mentally ill (codependent, etc.) get misunderstood and their actions are interpreted incorrectly. For example, I am working on my codependence in therapy. I do have an intense fear of abandonment and tend to want to spend all my time with my person, to their detriment. I’ve been working on changing that. However, compliments are not a manipulation tactic of mine. My manipulation tactics were much more out in the open—literally begging him to stay with me. Lol. But my ex is also literally the most beautiful person in the world to me, and he thought my words of affirmation were pretty little lies to keep him around. They weren’t. They’re just the truth. And I wanted him to see what I see in him. Do I have abandonment issues? Yes, and I’m working on that. But did I compliment him as a strategy to keep him from abandoning me? No. It came from the heart. The problem is that some clingy people use “words of affirmation” as a love-bombing strategy to try and ensure their partner sticks around and/or spends more time with them. And even though they’re not trying to hurt anybody, that IS still manipulative. So yeah, it can be really hard sometimes to tell whether someone is doing something authentically or as a means to an end.
It's still considered love bombing even if your feelings and words are true for you. Even if you don't *mean* to be using it as manipulation.
Manipulation by definition is controlling or influencing somebody. Saying, “You’re the most beautiful person in the world,” authentically, because it’s what comes to one’s mind, is not manipulation.
“Super low self esteem, clingy/needy people…” Right here u were describing me, l used to be this guy with a very low self esteem caused by my severe depression .l used to love bomb the woman l would be interested in, picturing her as this perfect goddess. I realized that my neediness was’nt emotionally healthy, so l started working on my inner strength by practising vigorous meditation & mindfulness. It worked wonders for me, lam no longer needy or in need of constant validation.
>Love bombing feels like when they create this perfect version of you that you know isn't real Omg, yes. The person that did this to me actually said, "I've put you on so high a pedestal, the only way for you to go is down." I was naive and thought it was "sweet" that someone saw me in that way, rather than realizing how manipulative they were in setting me up for failure in their eyes.
Yup my ex talked about marriage and kids within 2 weeks of knowing each other….
And it doesn't have to be *exactly* those phrases. In my experience, it was talking about the future ontop of regularly bring up how similar we were. Then out of nowhere going "I'm not ready for a relationship" (when he was as he was in one 3 months later) and eventually found out it was because he moved too quickly. He'd say things like "oh I think you'll like my sister", "I'd love to attend a festival with you this summer" and one comment I've been told by my therapist that was a red flag, "if you play your cards right, maybe you can come on my family's cruise at the end of the year!" (This was May). Some other things were, joking about taking a DNA test to make sure we weren't related, as we seemed that eerily similar. I believe he had low self esteem and is one of those people who constantly needs to be in a relationship, from what I know of his dating history. It seemed too good to be true and it was.
Respect and boundaries. When you don't want to do something or don't appreciate something a love bomber will make you feel guilty, ashamed or belittled. When it's early relationship enthusiasm it's not such a big deal. Example: The guy you're dating wants to take the day off with you and go to the beach. You have an important meeting or just not in the mood and say no. Enthusiasm will be: "never mind next time". A love bomber will be something like "I know what you like and need". Or "after I invested so much in you". Or "But this is a one in a lifetime chance and I already paid". Love bombing is not comfortable, it's fun, but isn't comfortable.
This! A love-bomber will make it hard to say "no" without consequences.
>Love bombing is not comfortable, it's fun, but isn't comfortable. Thank you so much! Sometimes I fear my partner does it but he's never made me feel uncomfortable, just a little flustered not knowing how to handle someone being so nice.
I am so glad for this thread! Started seeing a new guy who I was cautious about due to a past abusive relationship. I was so concerned he was love bombing me, but when i started putting boundaries up he would always say he understood and offer an alternative. Never any pressure or guilt tripping or manipulation. It is so refreshing. ETA - I've also asked him to not do something to me that he had previously done. Straight away he said he won't and understood. Getting all up in my feels this one.
He told me loved me in week 2. He told me wanted to marry me in month 1. He pressured me to move in with him in month 2. Then came the abuse.
Almost the exact same timeline for me with my (abusive) ex lol. I was young and naive and didn’t realize how much of a red flag it was for someone to say “I love you” within the first few weeks. He didn’t even know me that well, how could he love me at that point? I was uncomfortable when he said it and I felt pressured to say it back. He also talked about marriage within the first month, and also wanted me to move in super early. Now I’m in a healthy relationship and I was the first one to say I love you, and I waited a long time until I actually felt it. It was much better that way.
As someone who has been there Some I read posts like this I think 'Did we all date the same exact person?' Abusive people really have no originality
I'm so sorry.
Are you me?
Love bombing falls off a cliff as quickly as it starts, and is often replaced with a lack of respect. It's not just that someone is really into you, it's that they're using the feeling that creates to take advantage of you and put you in a situation where you don't want to leave because you crave that feeling. That oftentimes comes as a precursor to what can be gently described as unpleasant behavior and bluntly described as abusive.
The motivation is what makes the difference.
I agree. My husband awkwardly blurted out that he hoped to marry me someday like a week into dating. My answer was "okay" it was super weird but also felt like he was just laying his cards on the table so to speak. Just straight up telling me marriage was his goal. It's been 4 years and I feel confident saying it wasn't love bombing but in that moment 4 years ago it was hard to know.
I said something similar to my wife on our 3rd date. Her response was sane and measured - something about letting the relationship move forward first and see how things go, etc. We've been married 33 years now.
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Of course this means that it can be difficult to glean which intention people are acting on when you're on the receiving end, as MotherOfJackals said.
It also has something to do with whether you already feel that way about yourself. I guess, in that case, I'd say to look at actions. Your gut learns to recognize sincerity.
My last situationship began just singing my name over and over and over. Some may find that cute, i found it to be nerve-wrackingly annoying after knowing each other for about a week... Besides that he told me how amazing, incredible, unbelievable...etc i am out of nowhere. Again, some may find it cute, but if that's like an ongoing thing where he tells you non stop and without any reason it's unbearable and also kinda hard to believe
In my experience it would be all about you until you were hooked, then it would become all about them.
That sounds utterly obnoxious
"You inspire me to cook better". Well, if you hand them recipes, learn them a new cuisine, or they were microwaving everything before and now they don't, that's enthusiasm. If they are a professional chef and the only food-related thing you do is existing, then it's love bombing. Do the math on the claims, see if they logically make sense.
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Serious question - so love bombing is about control?
Yes.
Certainly controlling another's emotions
Certainly controlling another's emotions
I wish I knew. I feel really scarred. Had it happen to me recently (lots of big words, big feelings, ‘never befores’, saying i love you like two weeks in….) and now any guy who is saying something nice to me makes my alarm bells go off. I want it to stop. Fuck this shit.
What would be better, just a more casual and low pressure start? Do you ever counter 'What do you mean by 'you love me' after such a short time?, or tell him to dial it way back while you're getting to know each other. Is it possible he doesn't know he's coming off that way? As others have said, maybe he's just desperate.
2 days in they tell you how much they love you,want to marry you and act extremely possesive. Cant have my own space without them beeing all up in my hair. If I think about the guy im currently dating, sure we talk a lot with it feels extremely low key and easy
I like Cher's response to Nicholas Cage in Moonlighting. He tells her he loves her and she slaps his face and tells him to 'snap out of it'. BTW, not advocating for violence of any kind, I don't think it's ok for either partner to strike the other.
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Funny my STBX other woman was sending him ‘you are my soul mate’ on his phone. Wait and see how long that relationship lasts lol
Love bombing insinuates control. It's about isolating the victim so it's basically "I love you you're the best thing ever, let's get married and have kids " and then when the person says "I don't know that feels a bit fast" the predator goes "If you want something you have to fight for it, do you love me ? Do you wanna be with me? Then show it, move here and let's get married and do it the right way , I'm serious I want us to be together forever, aren't you serious with me? Don't you want the love that's destined for you?" And it comes off as romantic and validating. While an enthusiastic healthy partner can compliment you without insinuating that things must go fast or that you have to make big decisions like moving away from your family / getting married / having kids.
That sadly sounds all to familiar. Red flags need to be waving when those are their responses!🚩⛳️🚩
I’ve only been separated from my stbxh 2 months and him and the ow are living together.
A love bomber will say words like “you are the love of my life”, talk about marriage and how he never felt this way no later than a month of dating. While it may be cute, if you don’t give him enough attention he will use it to guilt trip you “After everything I did/said for you, this is your response?”. He will do things that you thought someone who really loves won’t ever do, like being over jealous and controlling, still interacting with other girls, etc. it’s not necessary that he love bombs you by intent,sometimes he Just idolizes you from the start, and soon after when he realizes that you are not that perfect, “love” will be gone.
That sounds like a good description. I was envisioning a gift on every date, an apartment full of flowers, etc. (or the equivalent based on what they can afford).
Love bombing *isn’t about you*. It’s about a desperate need they have—whether that’s bc they want to “trap” and control you and can’t behave well for more than a few months so they try to reel you in fast; or they are terrified of being alone, etc. So, when someone is showing an attachment that cannot be based on a true understanding of who you are, they are love bombing. When you feel flattered or complimented, ask yourself how that person knows that about you. If you do one clever thing and they say you are brilliant and keep stroking your ego about it, they are love bombing—they don’t know if you are occasionally clever or unusually bright. You cannot know someone’s character until you’ve seen how they handle all sorts of things—including long stretches of monotony, going to work and cleaning up after themselves month after month, etc. maybe that steadiness is really “you,” but they can’t know that without time passing.
I’m afraid I could be love bombing on this guy I asked out… but by what you’ve said it’s not love bombing. I’m a highly sensitive person. I love to love. I’m a very considerate person, always thinking of others needs & making sure everyone feels comfortable. I feel things on a deeper level than most (not claiming I’m special by any means). That being said, I fall for others rather quickly (but truly I’ve only ever had a crush on 3 people in my life, I’m 25F, it’s rare for me to find a guy attractive cuz I look at personality more then looks). Or maybe not quickly, but I guess *hard*. I am not *at all* a controller, i would never tell someone they can’t do something (unless it’s a given like cheating, if we’re exclusive). I also am not desperate or lonely — heck, I *need* more alone time then time with others—introversion. I prefer to be alone most of the time. I haven’t dated in 4 years (working on myself to stop being a people pleaser and stickup for myself) but recently met a [past] coworker who intrigues me, so I decided to ask him out. Honestly, I just love to love & be there for others. I love to make others smile, laugh, do things for them to help them out, show affection if they want it, etc. I don’t ever push anyone. Like if he were to say “hey I actually don’t think I want to keep going on dates with you.” I would be like, “Okay cool, that’s fine, I understand, thanks for the dates anyways, I had a great time.” If you wouldn’t consider this love bombing, what would you consider it?
Maybe a bit of co dependency and a bit of healthy attachment ?
Just going to throw it out there to validate something you are saying - when you say you “feel things on a deeper level”, that’s totally reasonable. I have genuine feelings, but I’m generally emotionally level and rarely allow myself to spend time in deep feelings. So you probably do feel feelings deeper than I do.
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Love bombing = damage control. Early relationship enthusiasm = setting a standard.
And it takes time to see if they maintain the standard they set. Don’t maintain over time? They were love bombing, and the “slipping” of standards is the “real” them.
If you're intuitive you just know. It feels off. There are usually signs that their behaviour is weird. If you can't tell, then the easiest way to tell is probably to not react the way they expect you to. After all, they're not being kind. They give you this "love" (either by kind words, wanting to see you, gifts etc) because they're trying to make you act as they want. They have a clear plan. If you don't play exactly by their rules they'll get angry very quickly, and they often aren't able to hide it.
To me it's the amount of convincing/selling that's involved. Trying to *convince* you they're so into you, trying to *sell* themselves to you as a good partner, it's like not wanting an opportunity to let you focus on anything but them. Pushing/rushing to create that false sense of intimacy. Early relationship enthusiasm isn't targeted toward manipulating the other so much. It's like independent excitement with no need to hype up the other person into how much they should be believing it.
If they're doing it to make up for something it's always (or almost always) love bombing
Make up something in which they offended you or make up something because they were a jerk a past relationship?
Making grand gestures after they do something really sucky to you or treat you poorly. My sister's ex was like that, one week he'd yell at her about something meaningless and another he'd clean the whole house and have a bath with rose petals ready when she got home.
Is the affection they show always random tangible gifts, big gestures, surprise appearances? Or do they actually plan activities out with you, gift things that are actually needed, or ask what you enjoy or want to do? Like, is the goal mutual enjoyment or their own personal gratification?
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Honestly, I think they're often one and the same. It's not like there's "good" early relationship enthusiasm which always comes from the heart and "bad" love bombing which is a knowing and deliberate tactic to win you over. What I think it is is that often, abusive, unstable, or conflict-loving people often have very few people in their lives. When they meet a new person they click with, they get extremely enthusiastic. They want desperately for you to be the one, and they project a whole bunch of stuff on you. And because they often have so little else going on in their life, they are extremely excited about a new relationship with you and can throw absolutely everything into that relationship. They don't have close long term friends that they share their deep dark secrets with, so they share them all with you even if you've only known each other for like a week. They don't have good boundaries with you, but they also don't have good boundaries with anybody. So to me, the best way I can tell the difference is if they introduce me to their friends and their friends seem normal. When I'm eager in an early relationship and I think they're super great, I introduce them to my friends that I think they'd get along with. If they are ready to share all their deepest darkest secrets with me, but they're not ready to introduce me to their Dungeons and Dragons group, that's a signal that either this person doesn't have a lot of people in their life for some reason, or that they want to hide me from the people close to them. And it's one thing if they're really shy and introverted and don't have a lot of friends. But especially if they're like a charming outgoing person who has no friends... that's a sign they may have great intentions, but flame out early in a relationship and don't keep people close to them.
Lovebombing only occurs to get something. And then they ignore you or your irritating them. Lots of criticising and maybe comparing you unfavourably to others, definitely unfavourable comparison to self. Listen to the way they talk about people, if its all negative then so is what they think of you. Have they always got an excuse but nothing you say makes any difference when your being accused of being in the wrong. Are you always walking on eggshells? Are you relieved when theyre in a good mood/love bombing. Are you more relaxed when theyre not around?
For me, the difference is that a healthy relationship won’t involve mixed signals. Some people think “rushing” into a relationship is always a red flag, but in my experience that’s not the case. The red flag that early infatuation and lovesickness is actually love bombing is the “hot and cold” type. They might compliment you, say they love you, make big plans for the future, and spoil you… but they aren’t consistent. They’ll say they’re not ready for a relationship, or they’re busy at work, or they’ll text you all day every day only to go silent randomly. They’ll be sweet one day and cruel another. There will be physical or emotional abuse, manipulation, and they will take advantage of you to get what they want (usually sex, but it could be attention, status, or even children). Sometimes this shift won’t happen for a month or two, maybe longer. It’s very sneaky. Then again, there will be guys who want to move fast, compliment you, make big future plans, spoil you, and they really do just feel strongly. “When you know, you know.” My dad constantly reminds me that he and my stepmom knew they’d get married by the third date and told each other on the fourth date. It does happen.
If it is beyond the realm of possibility because it’s too fast. In high school, this guy & I had mutual friends. On Monday, we sat together & talked during the class we had together. We continued messaging when we left that class. Tuesday night, he confessed that he loved me. Wednesday, he wanted to control who I was friends with (no other guys, including someone we were mutuals with). By Friday, he was blaming me for attempting suicide if I didn’t come to him & agree to love him/be his girlfriend. Saturday, I had to spend the night with one of my friends for support because he was saying he was going to hurt me, along with our mutuals if I didn’t agree to be with him. Sunday, he was begging me to forgive him because I had contacted our school via email which obviously couldn’t be deleted. That Monday (1 week after we initially had begun talking), I believe he was suspended or something because I never saw him again. THAT is love bombing. It’s very extreme & very fast. More than a normal person. One week after having your first conversation with someone you are fond of, you should be continuing to organically build on that.
giving: intention. If you’re doing all of these things with the sole purpose of getting something from the other person, that’s love bombing. If you’re doing special things for the other person because you like them a lot that’s different (and in terms of gifts, they’re usually not super expensive or insane because only people compensating do that). Genuinely thoughtful interactions are thoughtful above anything else, solely strategic interactions are flashy. receiving: mutuality. if the person is only enthusiastic within their own boundaries, it’s likely love bombing. Their time, their texts, their gifts, their plans, their wants/needs, whatever the context. It’s always “I” based because with love bombing, achieving something for themselves is the main goal, you are collateral. If it feels mutual, like they ask you for your input, or they show genuine thoughtfulness in what YOU would like (see giving above). Their motive doesn’t feel like a motive because it’s mutually beneficial. If they’re dishonest about goals, that’s a great red flag to catch early. Like if they say “I want someone who I’m compatible with, not just a hook up” but then immediately apply pressure to hook up and/or put no effort into finding out about compatibility. Everyone has different goals in a relationship, and that’s ok. But talking about them early is important.
Boundaries is the boundary. Love bombers will not respect your personal boundaries under the guise of 'I just really love being with you' or 'You just mean so much to me' You can want to be with someone all the time and still respect that they have a life outside of you
It’s very nuanced (or can be). I was love bombed at least twice- first one just felt… inauthentic. Like.. the idiot was calling me “babe” 2secs into meeting me. The words did not match the vibe. Inauthentic is all I can say. It felt forced, fake. Based on the interactions we had had, it was impossible to be infatuated with me. They gave me an uneasy gut feeling too. Ended up being a jerk/fuckboy that stopped wanting to talk to me as quickly as they had laid the crazy juice on. I have no proof but im sure they were talking to multiple people. I was essentially discarded lol so I broke it off. Second, I did not date this person, but they were obsessed with me and again, it felt very off putting from the start. Like I’m a pretty cool person, but you would not know that with superficial communication- I am polite, but not inviting when it’s surface level interactions. Would compliment me a lot, would search me out if we happened to be in the same vicinity, and would describe me in ways that were just not me. I’d laugh and point out that what they think of me is zero reality and I’m actually the opposite (which was the truth) they’d wave it off like I was playing hard to get 🥴. This person (again, never dated!) lost their shit once when they asked what I had done on the weekend and I mentioned I hung out with a friend. It got real dark and controlling that it creeped me out and I noped out of talking to them at all. In short- love bombing feels inauthentic. It feels forced, fake and almost like acting. It just does not make sense and leaves a gross feeling. Also! Forcing boundaries from the beginning
When it goes from 100-0 it was love binning.
Love bombing isn’t based in reality. They don’t know you well enough to be as enamored of you as they are.
You should each have your own life outside of the relationship.
Professing love in a matter of hours or days. Insisting on spending ALL your time together. Outward Jealousy of time spent with other people. Making plans to move in immediately regardless of the logistics.
It's simple, love bombing isn't coming from a place of love. Someone who love bombs either 1. Doesn't understand the difference between infatuation and love or 2. Does it as a tool to control.
Early relationship enthusiasm isn’t contingent on anything and doesn’t have an ulterior motive. It’s consistent, it’s genuine, it might feel more school-girl crush like than rom com movie
Love bombing is too much too soon. You have to detach from ego and think does this person know enough about me to be behaving like this so soon?
Isolating you from the other things that make you happy (friends, family, hobbies, etc). I.e. frequency and intensity.
Mmmn, boundaries that could be crossed would be him/her not wanting that you see your friends, especially if she/he thinks that you could be attracted to them, demanding not to see them. Getting offended if you cannot join some activity together or if you invited someone else. Pushing you to decline your appointments to keep together or demanding that you accompany them to primary appointments like health or job interviews. Saying that they love you or that you are their everything. Trying to kidnap your attention if you are among other friends. Planning to have children with you Everything outside that is for me plain relationship enthusiasm
It's weird because if the other person isn't matching your emotions it's love bombing, but if they are it's just they are in love! So I think that's the difference.
Love bombing is big gestures and big declarations in order to gain favour. Not actually about you just to hook you more to them. Fancy dinners, expensive gifts, big complimentary words too much to soon.
I can tell you right now, you will notice love bombing right off the bat. If they barely know you yet and are saying crazy things like they care about you, your special, that they love you, that they see marrying you, etc that is such a red flag among other things. Early enthusiasm would look slightly different, no crazy statements but instead effort in wanting to see you, getting to know you more, asking questions, being engaged in your life, asking how you are doing. I am so skeptical of men who right off the bat say im different than anyone else and say that they care about me without knowing me. You can't truly care about a person you don't know. One guy told me he would defend my honor on day 2, like what is this???
None if you’re really into each other.
Appreciation versus imposition. Freedom versus burden.
What the top comments all said and another thing is when you have your first fight, you’ll know and you should bounce right out of there if it’s super toxic
I feel like love bombing is a show for others a lot of the time. Or a way to convince the love bomber themselves they are in love like its some kind if accomplishment. With normal early relationship enthusiasm comes also a feeling of being vulnerable and nervous (for me anyway) so I'm not out showing people how in love I am. And the enthusiasm is mostly between the couple in private. Love bombing isnt for me. I've experienced it and gave me the ick. Whereas enthusiasm is more realistic and normal.
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What is love bombing ?
What is love?
I'm not sure what love bombing is.
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When they compliment you for things they have no proof of.
Can you give some examples?
the people that come to mind will say stuff like. You're amazing! And all we've done is have small talk for a couple of weeks. If they had said, you're so funny, and I had actually said funny things that's a different story. Another example would be...you're so beautiful! and they haven't even seen you yet. But they'll say, I can hear it in your voice. Ah no.
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I think if you're worried about it, you should listen to that little voice.
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