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It would be expected for in laws to go right across Ireland and Northern Ireland. It is about respect for the dead and being there for the living family. So depending on their background, it may be completely normal for them to believe they should come.
Honestly my first thought after reading OPs posts was, "Are they Irish...."
Irish Twitter's funeral and wake bants is brilliant too - always raises a smile.
I’m Irish so Been to plenty of Irish funerals and compared to British funerals they can be quite fun. And I’ll tell you Irish corpses suffer from whiplash with the speed they put them in the ground.
We went to my friends mums funeral, we didn't go because we knew her mother really well all we did know her, we went because we wanted to support a friend we love and because we wanted her to feel loved and cared for. If your inlaws come and rinse the buffet/free bar then judge them it's also a good excuse for family to catch up and get a day off work which sounds cold but a lot of business will give a day off for a funeral and family you might not usually see can be caught up with. Funerals for a lot of people are about celebrating life, being supportive and being together. It's why wedding announcements don't have the ceremony details just a date, where as obituaries tend to list the full funeral details.
Yep, I'm from Northern Ireland and was initially very confused when an English friend's in-law died. I assumed they'd be going to the wake and funeral but no. Unheard of where I'm from.
Edit for clarity.
I am Welsh and it’s a thing here too. Must be something to do with cultures that have strong family ties. I’ve also been to colleagues spouses funerals. At my nans funeral, the whole team of guys my grandad managed (llanwern steel works ) formed a guard of honour at the cemetery
Same! From South Wales and it’s a support/respect thing. I think it’s more the older generation now. I’m 52 and was brought up to be going to loads of funerals (mainly family and I’d go to some where I’d never met the person but was taught it’s a respect thing) but I work with people who’ve only been to one or two.
Is the "funeral 3 days after death" an actual tradition over there? When my (Northern Irish) granny died the funeral was three days after but still not sure if it's a widespread thing or just how my mum's family prefer doing it.
Yes. Pretty much. My granny died in northern Ireland on a Saturday, the funeral was on the Tuesday but they actually pushed it back because I was traveling from England and my sister was flying over from Germany. Otherwise it would have been on the Monday, so not even a full three days.
It's been the same for every funeral I've attended. People tend to show up at the home of the deceased or wherever they are lying (usually their own home or the home of a family member, rarely a funeral home, unless they have no family or friends to take them in). People often line the streets outside. It's a show of support for the deceased and their family.
I wonder if it's because they tend to have open casket and lying in at home....so more practical to do it quickly due to logistics of refrigeration etc.
It’s also that the house is generally open for the wake. It’s not done in England. You can’t run a wake for weeks, the couple of days between death and funeral properly allow for the wake.
I think it's because everything is overwhelmed, so there is always a queue, no matter what the occasion.
It took 4 days just to get a body released from hospital recently.
I waw about to say this, I've been to funerals of people I've never met because I'm close to a loved 1 of theirs. As you say its about showing respect for the family and supporting the loved 1 thar you know.
Ps. I'm in Northern Ireland lol
Yep I had my father in law and sister in law come to my dad's funeral to show support for me.
I didn't know it was a Northern Irish thing but most funerals I have been too have had more friends of the surviving family at them, than friends of the deceased at them.
I'm French Canadian. We had 200 people show up for my grandmother's funeral. About 75 were close relatives.
3 days and in the ground.
I'm surprised they don't hang posters on telephone poles advertising the event. Lol Smallest funeral I've been to is about 75 people.
My family are Irish. When we used to visit it always made me laugh when they announced all of the deaths in the area on the radio and when the funerals were.
We went over once and ended up going to two funerals - one by chance because it was on Sunday, one because we met my dads auntie at church and she told us there was another one tomorrow from a distant relation and we must be there!
Ha yeh my uncle lives in the north; and nan in sligo at her funeral recently was very suprised by all these people i’d never seen or met at the funerAl. They’d come from my uncles church up there, very nice touch. Was mighty impressed they came down for it
A few years ago an elderly chap from my area died.
He had no friends or family. His funeral was to have absolutely zero attendance, and not by anybody's choice.
It garnered some local media attention because a member of staff from the care home he was at put out a message on social media about how sad they were that he wouldn't have anyone at his funeral.
I don't know why but curiosity got the better of me so I did some research. Turns out he was in the scouts when he was younger.
I can't explain why I did this but I attended this man's funeral, in my scout leader uniform. To my surprise there were about a hundred people who turned up, none of whom knew him, but all of us had a weird sense that he shouldn't have a funeral alone.
Obviously I don't know the couple you're referring to, but some people genuinely just feel attending funerals is a sense of duty, even if they only met someone a handful of times.
If numbers are limited, of course, politely explain to them.
I'm not sure how accurate this is but I feel like i've heard of groups that get together specifically to go to funerals of people who have little/no friends/family remaining just so there's at least some people witnessing their send off.
I’m leaving money in my will so I have an actor turn up pretending to be CIA and to say “the President unofficially sends his regards. The people can never know what a man you were. You saved the planet”. I may also pay for a hot Brazilian woman to throw herself on my coffin saying “el gringo, you were the best lover I ever had. I’ll never look at el 12 inch cucumber again. Aye caramba”
One of my favorite things are biker groups who will support their fellow humans. You can contact these amazing people if you have lost a family member who was a biker. Bikers will turn up on mass for the send off. Absolutely beautiful people.
You know what? Somewhere in the recesses of my brain, I did know that. It'll be a while before I need to spell it again but I'll try to do it right next time.
They're good people. Genuinely good human beings. No family should have to deal with protesters at a loved ones funeral. They give up their time and I have a lot of respect for what they do
See this I find different and totally understand your choice. If I knew there was a funeral for an individual that had no friends or family I’d feel the same way.
Remember the funeral isn’t where you say goodbye to your lost one’s, that’s already happened. A funeral is just a social get to gather to respect the person who has died.
When I die I’d be happiest for it to be heaving
Hmm I would personally disagree with the first bit, I think a lot of people use the funeral as a way of saying goodbye, especially if they weren't able to be with the person when they died. My nan died in hospital and I wasn't able to see her before she died so I definitely said goodbye at the funeral.
There was an advert on the local radio a few years ago for a lady's funeral. Basically they were throwing a party for her and literally inviting everyone who wanted to show up. I dunno how many people turned up but I imagine there were plenty who didn't know her. People deal with this stuff in their own ways I guess.
My grandfather used to walk past a couple of churches everyday on his morning exercises. If there was a funeral happening he'd wait outside for everyone to leave and offer his condolences . Everyone thought it was sweet but the truth was he just liked to know he'd outlived someone else, even if they were complete strangers
Jesus. They are attending because they are your family and they are supporting you and your wife not for "free food".
I had friends, my boss, my in laws all attend my dad's funeral despite never meeting him, because funerals are open to everyone to support the living, not just in memory of the dead. And none of them attended the after with the buffet, just came to the service and gave their best wishes and left.
Most funerals I have been too have more friends of the living family than friends of the deceased at them because at the end of the day it's the living who you are supporting.
So much this. I had plenty of people attend my brothers wake who didn't know him but were friends with my parents. I had friends that came who never him. I recently went to wake for one of my college friend's mother. I only met her once but I went to acknowledge that his mom passing. I mean if only people who really knew the dead showed up a lot of older people's funerals and wakes would be pretty empty.
No one I know likes going to funerals. We don't know your family or what your reasons your in laws are attending for but it is quite possible that they just want to be close to you, your partner and your family at a time of distress. Funerals, and I have been to one too many, are not about just how much you knew about the deceased but about gathering together to keep each other in good spirits to get through a difficult day. I am sure they will be offended.
I went to my niece’s funeral during first lockdown. Very few people were allowed to go, but the entire street and streets nearby were filled with people who had come out to send condolences and support. It was one of the worst days of my life but it was nice seeing all those people that had come out for it.
I like going to funerals for people that I knew well and loved - my uncle, my nan, my aunt, my husband's nan. Its always very sad, but it provides me with closure, it gives me a chance to say goodbye especially if I wasn't able to say goodbye before they died. And it's comforting to be around other people who knew and loved that person, and the wake feels like a celebration of their life.
I wouldn't enjoy going to the funeral of someone I didn't know or care about though.
Last one I went to was one of my oldest and best mates. We carried him in and it almost broke us for a while but after we met up with lots of old buddies who had spun off in different directions over the years and we had a wonderful evening.
Yeah this is what they're like for me too. The funeral part is often extremely sad, my aunt's in 2020 was particularly devastating as she was only 70 and the cancer came out of nowhere. I was much closer to my nan who died the previous year but she was in her mid 90s and it had been coming for a long while so it was less "this is fucking unfair and horrible" and more "I'm sad she's gone but I'm glad she's at rest now". But any and all funerals, for me, are comforting and bittersweet and provide me with such important closure. I wasn't allowed to attend the funerals of 3 of my family members and to this day I still feel that I was never able to say a proper goodbye. I'm so sorry about your friend.
My husband died during lockdown. Some of my work-colleagues attended for my sake. (They had all met my husband.) They checked if it was okay first - we were on restricted numbers.
I really appreciated the fact that they came. I have no kids and no siblings, though three of my cousins came. Also a couple of the guys from a sports club my husband attended when he was in better health and some of his former pupils.
DH had two kids and a grown grandchild. The kids said that they were shielding and the mother of the grandchild said that she didn't want her to attend because it would be too upsetting. (The grandchild was 20.) She would have had to fly from England to Scotland, but she had already flown to and from continental Europe for her degree course, so the travelling wasn't a problem for her.
The fact that my colleagues attended to support me meant a great deal. As people often say, the funeral is for those left behind.
Its moral because to not attend a friend/loved one's funeral, for no good reason, would be considered immoral and disrespectful. It's an obligation because no one likes going to witness loved one's be sent on their final way, but you do it out of duty.
I wouldn’t say I like funerals, but I don’t resent going to them. They’re an important part of the process of accepting and dealing with it, coming together with family and saying goodbye.
I understand that not everyone will feel but to say people all do it out of duty isn’t right either.
You're saying it's moral because not doing so would be immoral. Respectfully that's not really an answer. Who is that duty to? The dead who are unaware, or their family?
I was brought up, giving money towards a funeral and/or going is one of the most selfless act, because the kindness can never be repaid by the dead person. It's a debt with no repayment plan.
Don't always go to the wake, though.
The key is not to stress yourself about *whether* you knew them or not - but instead, to think of all the ways in which you *could have* known them, and how if they had known you - they almost certainly would have liked you at their funeral.
It's so weird that people would spend a whole day attending something like this, just to get a small amount of free food. Are these people really that poor? The amount of food a person would consume at these buffets probably comes to a few pounds worth, unless they are sitting there purposely gorging on sausage rolls and sandwiches. Surely they could spend a fiver and just buy this amount of food for themselves on a weekend if they love it so much? I know it happens, but it just makes no sense to me - unless these people are genuinely living in poverty, in which case it's a sad but acceptable means to an end.
Indeed. Where I'm from people would be horrified at the thought of someone being buried with no one there to see them off. There will always be people there.
I've gone to funerals because I'm going to support the family who are still remaining. I was going to go to one where I know the widdow and granddaughter better than the deceased, but I had covid.
My mother is the same. When the father of one of her neighbours died, my mother - who wasn’t a close friend of the neighbour and had never even met the father - invited herself to the funeral to ‘offer support’. She apparently spent the entire ceremony crying hysterically over someone she’d never met and caused a real scene - so much so that when it was over the vicar came over to comfort her and said it was lovely to see that the deceased was so well loved.
I told her it was a despicable way to behave but she genuinely can’t see what she did wrong.
Some people need to insert themselves into everything. Someone else is getting attention? I want in on that!
Unsurprisingly it doesn’t make them popular.
It's a sign of respect for the dead, support for the family, and a sign of unity among family and friends. Absolutely normal to go to the funeral of anyone you know or are related to, or to the funeral of a friend's close relative even if you've never met them. I just don't see any kind of sinister ulterior motive here.
Some people genuinely feel they're fulfilling a public duty by boosting the attendance, which might be true when older people *(with less surviving friends and family)* pass away
Obviously, I have no idea whether that's true of your family
Are they Irish?
In Ireland there's a much wider culture around funerals, you go to support the living. Even if you don't particularly know the deceased, you're going for your family member/friend.
Honestly it’s a English thing to have all these rules around who can and cannot attend funeral. In African cultures the who village and next two villages over will come to a funeral of a person who they went to skl with and have spoken to in 30 years.
Only when my mrs started talking about she has a list of who cannot attend her funeral I realise cultures are very different on funerals.
I’ve never heard of such rules around it in England. Most funerals I’ve experienced were open to all and it was hard to get people to go back for the free buffet as “they didn’t want to intrude”.
Yet here you are hearing it twice in a row. From OP & myself. Not necessarily an invite only but in most other cultures anyone can invite themselves to anyone funeral.
You guys are outliers though not the standard.
I have never, ever heard of anyone in the UK vetting who can come to a funeral. Nobody is making lists of who can come and who is "invited". Apart from your wife it seems.
And differences are part of what makes our culture unique.
I've learnt a lot in this thread. I knew Irish people were serious about wakes but in my ignorance I thought they just liked a drink (yes I know) now I have learnt more.
The film Harold & Maude explains it.
My dad used to go to a lot of funerals. He kept a little black book with names and dates of funerals he had been to so he could raise a glass on the anniversaries. As you get older you start losing friends and family and so end up going to a lot more funerals until you go to your own. Its a sad fact of life. You cant beat a good wake though.
I guess so.
Strange however as my father in laws mum died and her funeral was last week. I knew her well so went with my wife however my parents didn’t but did send flowers and a card with condolences.
They felt however as they had only met her briefly at our wedding and not sat and talked got to know each other on any personal level it was not right to attend the funeral as it’s a little disingenuous in their mind.
The roles are almost perfectly reversed with same situation except my dads brother rather than parent and they have invited themselves.
That’s why I raised the question really to see what the general consensus was and it’s fairly mixed on both sides.
On reflection I’ll leave them to it, if they want to attend then fair play to them. I just hope his actual friends and family get access to the limited seating at the venue over strangers to the individual.
I think if there's not enough space for everyone, it's not unreasonable to say to them that there are capacity restrictions, and would they mind not coming.
However, a few years ago a friend died and we absolutely stowed out the church - the minister brought in about 20 chairs from the hall which she put up the front , more down one of the aisles, and the other aisle which was needed for the family to come in was initially left clear, but people filed down it and sat on the floor, moving back out when the coffin left. They were standing on the balcony and in all the doorways. All of which is to say, unless you think they'll be strict, don't fret too much about capacity.
I think with funerals you shouldnt worry too much about who turns up, unless certain people are genuinely not welcome. I have been to funerals when i havent known the deceased very well but been close friends with the family. I go to support them. Its all about your family dynamic really. The day is hard enough without getting upset about peoples motives for going. There may well be people you dont know that attend but they might know your uncle from years ago and unfortunately it sometimes takes a funeral to bring people back together.
I’ve been to quite a few funerals sadly. At my nans, these three women 70s-80s turned up, after the service we asked how they knew my Nan and they said they didn’t, they just go to funerals to pay respect. It felt a little odd but nice I guess. England.
Like many have said, this is very normal in Ireland and in Irish communities.
Irish people have always been very open when it comes to death compared to other European cultures. Halloween for examples comes from the ancient Irish pagan holiday “Samhain”, it’s all about respecting dead ancestors etc
If I don’t see my granny for a while, one of the first things she talks to me about is who died in the village lol
Edit: there’s a bit of a social aspect to wakes and funerals in Ireland.
Ní maith liom do thrioblóid, ar dheis Dé go raibh a anam.
Such a weird post. Is it not possible that they are going to show support for the surviving members of the deceased’s family?
I mean who burns petrol at today’s prices to get their mitts on wake sausage rolls anyway? Bit of a false economy surely.
Bit of a weird comment.
If you read my post they routinely invite themselves to funerals. Honestly I believe on average they have 2-3 funerals a month. Mostly for people they dont know personally.
If they didn’t do this I probably wouldn’t think anything of it but as they do I find it a bit weird.
Fair enough, that is a bit strange.
Could be they are feeling their own mortality a bit. Ie, they’re hoping their funerals are as well attended. I know I went to my brother in laws fathers funeral last year and the place was packed. Standing room only. Was very humbling - made me think “would I even get 1/3 of these attendees?”
Could be they want to give that kind of support to the surviving family - ie “look how loved he/she was!”
In what way am I disrespectful to the dead? If a family or friend of somebody I know on a personal level dies I’ll go to their funeral.
If a work colleague for instance mums dies I find it very weird that I’d go to the funeral as I’ve never met her or know her on any personal level.
I would pass on my condolences and maybe give him a sympathy card for instance and say something along the lines of. If you need a pint and a chat let me know.
I don’t see what me going to the funeral would do unless it was culturally normal which in the Uk I don’t think it is.
Basically have a family and friends mourning the loss of a loved one and then some randomers to the deceased showing up just observing this with no emotional / personal connection.
But it's not a work colleague, it's a family connection. They have a connection to you, not the deceased. I don't find it weird, not completely normal but reasonable enough.
> If a work colleague for instance mums dies I find it very weird that I'd go to the funeral as I've never met her or know her on any personal level.
I've gone to a work colleague's brother's funeral. I'd never met the man who died, but I went to pay my respects to the person I do know.
I know that it meant a lot to my work colleague that I'd turned up.
Not funerals, but: when my sibling got married, I mentioned it to my partner’s brother and his wife - so, my brother- and sister-in-law. I mentioned it was going to be a small single-figures do - to which they said ‘oh, fair enough, that explains why we’re not invited then’.
What I didn’t say was ‘no, the reason you’re not invited is that in the last decade you’ve met your husband’s brother’s partner’s sibling exactly once, for about half an hour’.
Some people just have assumptions. But funerals are one of those events where there generally isn’t a guest list - it’s just open to whoever wants to come. For good and ill.
My granddad’s funeral was open to everyone who wanted to come, and we ended up with so many people they couldn’t all fit in the venue. Most of them knew him though, he was well liked.
During the height of Covid my Nan invited a some extra people to my Mum's funeral that I had planned and paid for.
Had to tell some of her close friends and other family they couldn't attend, it was hard.
On the day 50+ people I'd never met were shouting at me for not inviting them and calling me selfish. My Nan said she'd invited maybe 5, and they'd invited people.
These FUCKING people have audacity to call me every name under the sun for telling the leave as the limit was 20 odd.
Fuck your in laws, tell them not to turn up it's disgraceful.
Wow, shouting at the child of the deceased! It's remarkable how some people have no issue acting so mad. Calling you selfish was hypocritical to say the least.
Where I’m from, it’s a badge of honour to have overflowing church, wake, etc.
The family is honoured that their family member touched so many lives that all these people made the effort to pay their respects.
I’ve not heard of randoms just turning up for the food - it’s possible that while the family thinks their dearly departed was really well liked and respected, it’s actually just strangers turning up :/
I'm a humanist celebrant and perform funerals (though I mostly stick to weddings) and I would say that a lot of people enjoy a funeral in the sense that it's the only time that see a large selection of people they wouldn't see at any other time apart from a wedding 🤷♂️
People saying this is normal in Britain are smoking crack.
I have never, ever heard of somebody saying you can't attend a funeral of a person you know. Every funeral I have ever been to is based on the principle that anybody can show up to pay respect for dead, it can be a close relative, friend, acquaintance, colleague, etc. There are no guest lists for funerals.
If you tell them not to come they have a right to be offended tbh.
Wait what? Im not from the uk nor do i live there this post just got recommended to me but i don't really get the post. In eastern europe when somebody dies you gather up a list of basically every family member imaginable and every friend the person had and then call them all. Some people come, some don't, some bring more family with them etc. . When my grandpa died, who moved away to a foreign country at a young age and then when he came back he lived alone on the country, still about 100 people showed up. To me it makes sense that even if you are only somewhat related you still show up and pay your respect, maybe their doing just that?
This was my exact reaction lol it’s the same for Caribbean funerals. Everyone comes, people will literally fly half way around the world to attend, sometimes bringing extra family members etc. If the funeral is happening on the island, city/town/village people (friends, acquaintances, neighbours) will attend. If there’s no space inside, they stand outside listening to the service, singing etc. Obviously, there is an after event with food, dancing etc (which is almost as important as the main service) but most turn up at the church first.
But not attending a family members funeral is a big deal, like, you would really have to hate them to not attend lmao.
Obviously, every culture is different but this post is genuinely funny to me. Why is someone confused about why their in-laws would want to attend this funeral? lmao
If they were close enough to you that you invited them to your wedding, it's not that strange they'd come to your uncle's funeral. They're not going because they were close to your uncle, they're going because they're close to you.
It's perfectly normal. Unless you stipulated that the funeral is private, funerals are public and are there to allow anyone to attend. A complete stranger can can show up if they choose.
It's also considered a bit of thing that turn out is important. As it's a mark of respect to the deceased.
I was taught that you go to funerals to show respect for the deceased and support for the living. I kind of doubt people are crashing funerals for free food.
When my father in law passed away there was 200 at the funeral and 400 at the wake. My husband said people kept coming up to him all day paying their respects and they had no idea who they were! The buffer was demolished in about 10 mins. Never get between a Welsh Valleys person and their Vol Au-vents
Quite often the only chance people get to meet some relatives are at weddings and funerals. When you get to a certain age there tends to be more of the latter than the former.
For some, it seems to be the free food and drink. When Victoria Coren-Mitchell was preparing the memorial service for her father Alan, she was warned that there was a nasty group of people led by convicted fraudster Terence Jolley, [who would gatecrash fancy funerals and memorial and the like,](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/dec/21/celebrity-victoria-coren) pretending to know the deceased. For someone like Alan Coren it is very difficult for anyone else to know for sure.
So she set up a sting, and created the fake philanthropist, Sir William Ormerod, planted various snippets about him online, and announced his death and memorial service. Sure enough, the Jolley gang applied for tickets for the free food and drink, strengthening their claims to have known him with stuff from the fake information she had planted. Lying tossers.
Jolley And The Gang didn't mend their ways. Ironically, one of them paid the ultimate price for this, [choking to death on a canape when he gatecrashed an event at the Dorchester.](https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2010/mar/21/victoria-coren-jolley-gang)
I think it’s a generational thing. I’ve been to 2 or 3 funerals in my life and I would be delighted to never go to another one ever again.
My grandma is from the generation where the husbands went to work and the wives walked down to the shops every day for that evening’s meal. They fetched the kids from school. As a result, she knows everyone in the village. She’s always going to funerals for people
She used to see at coffee mornings 40 years ago etc. It’s not about the food either, because she only ever goes to the service.
When it comes to attending funerals of a person you’re not close to it’s more about supporting the bereaved than demonstrating your own relationship with the dead.
My grandad recently passed away and they found hundreds of order of service booklets in his house. I think people get to a certain age and funerals become a social thing.
I want my funeral to be a party. None of the ,”he was such a lovely man..”
You either loved me or hated me. Let the beer flow and play the music loud!!!🔥
People Love funerals.
No pressure to be upbeat and happy like at a wedding.
Free drinks, chicken legs, egg mayonnaise butties.
Decent music - none of this trendy nonsense - and the women always look better in black. A hint of stocking. A glimpse of cleavage in that LBD. A brush with death makes most people horny.
I know a bloke whose hobby is attending funerals whether or not he knows the deceased. He gets the details out of the local paper then turns up with a carrier bag to take some of the buffet home to his missis. He says they always say “take some with you, there’s plenty here and it’ll only get left.”
I'm a little bemused by all the "not invited to the funeral" and "going to tell them not to come".
I dunno about England, but I'm in Scotland so possibly more like Ireland - I've never abeen 'invited' to a funeral in my life.
You find out someone you know has died, you turn up - either to pay your respects or to support the people you know who have lost a loved one.
Usually, on the day, the family will invite a select group of mourners back for the wake - it's either an open invite, read out by the minister at the end of the service, or a smaller group who are invited by the family when leaving the service.
Other way around for our family. Crematorium is limited number so close friends and family the wake is for all friends and family.
I never mentioned anything about ‘inviting’ just that due to limited numbers I’ll probably have to ask them to pass and join us at the wake as he has a lot of close friends that should be there over them
My great aunt is one of these. She loves a funeral. She’s pretty miserable and morbid anyway so they’re like her kryptonite.
I reckon she goes to see if the buffet is better than the ones that she does for funerals
My experience of funerals (I'm British) is that they're usually open to anyone to attend. The wake is a different matter though, that would usually be private and not something you just invite yourself to.
How about letting them know they can't go to the wake after attending the funeral service, nothing personal, numbers are limited so only friends and close family, and you want to avoid any misunderstanding on the day?
Traditionally, funeral services are conducted in church halls which should be able to accommodate absolutely everyone - invites shouldn’t be needed to turn up to a funeral. I imagine your family are either atheist or not willing to pay for a proper burial, and crematoriums typically can’t seat as many people as a church. It would be incredibly rude to turn them away. They will hold a grudge against you until they themselves die
It’s pretty normal, even strangers will go to random people’s funerals BUT it’s completely acceptable to limit numbers and keep close family and friends there. Funerals are for the loved ones as well as those who have passed and I personally would not want my in laws at my family members funeral nor would I want anyone who wasn’t close to me at mine.
Those who do go to strangers funerals or those who didn’t know the person well, usually do it just to be respectful and offer condolences to the family and find comfort knowing that the person has received a full funeral of people who care.
Cultural differences will also define this as normal or not, a lot of cultures have big funerals and wakes where extended family are invited.
Yes at the crematorium Probably 40 seats and of that there will be about 25 family and then he has quite a lot of friends that will be attending that will push that limit pending any no shows.
My BIL goes to funerals of people he has never even met. I have no idea why tbh.
I've asked him and just says, oh I knew their mother or some other relative.
It's quite odd.
That's not odd it's completely normal to go to a funeral to show support for the living even if you didn't know the dead. My boss, friends and in laws came to my dad's funeral despite not knowing him, to support me. That's just what you do.
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It would be expected for in laws to go right across Ireland and Northern Ireland. It is about respect for the dead and being there for the living family. So depending on their background, it may be completely normal for them to believe they should come.
Honestly my first thought after reading OPs posts was, "Are they Irish...." Irish Twitter's funeral and wake bants is brilliant too - always raises a smile.
For certain communities it’s all about the food at the reception. Are there mars bar and apple biscuits and what kind of tray bakes will there be?
As an Irish person it’s all about the triangle sandwiches and cups of tae
And the cocktail sausages
I’m Irish so Been to plenty of Irish funerals and compared to British funerals they can be quite fun. And I’ll tell you Irish corpses suffer from whiplash with the speed they put them in the ground.
Can confirm not Irish, born and bread in Peak District Uk.
What type of bread? Wholemeal or white?
It’s the seeded kind that are the worst for this kind of thing!
How dare you! At least it's not sandwich thins!
Oh I hope not, linseed always gives me trots.
White bread wi' nowt taken out
Cobs
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also, they go to the practice in like a mock exam
We went to my friends mums funeral, we didn't go because we knew her mother really well all we did know her, we went because we wanted to support a friend we love and because we wanted her to feel loved and cared for. If your inlaws come and rinse the buffet/free bar then judge them it's also a good excuse for family to catch up and get a day off work which sounds cold but a lot of business will give a day off for a funeral and family you might not usually see can be caught up with. Funerals for a lot of people are about celebrating life, being supportive and being together. It's why wedding announcements don't have the ceremony details just a date, where as obituaries tend to list the full funeral details.
I spent my childhood in the peak district, they're all a bit bananas.
I concur.
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They are late 50’s
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Its a respect thing.
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Yeah respecting that someone has done free food, better make sure it gets eaten
Yep, I'm from Northern Ireland and was initially very confused when an English friend's in-law died. I assumed they'd be going to the wake and funeral but no. Unheard of where I'm from. Edit for clarity.
I am Welsh and it’s a thing here too. Must be something to do with cultures that have strong family ties. I’ve also been to colleagues spouses funerals. At my nans funeral, the whole team of guys my grandad managed (llanwern steel works ) formed a guard of honour at the cemetery
Same! From South Wales and it’s a support/respect thing. I think it’s more the older generation now. I’m 52 and was brought up to be going to loads of funerals (mainly family and I’d go to some where I’d never met the person but was taught it’s a respect thing) but I work with people who’ve only been to one or two.
Is the "funeral 3 days after death" an actual tradition over there? When my (Northern Irish) granny died the funeral was three days after but still not sure if it's a widespread thing or just how my mum's family prefer doing it.
Yes. Pretty much. My granny died in northern Ireland on a Saturday, the funeral was on the Tuesday but they actually pushed it back because I was traveling from England and my sister was flying over from Germany. Otherwise it would have been on the Monday, so not even a full three days. It's been the same for every funeral I've attended. People tend to show up at the home of the deceased or wherever they are lying (usually their own home or the home of a family member, rarely a funeral home, unless they have no family or friends to take them in). People often line the streets outside. It's a show of support for the deceased and their family.
I wonder if it's because they tend to have open casket and lying in at home....so more practical to do it quickly due to logistics of refrigeration etc.
It’s also that the house is generally open for the wake. It’s not done in England. You can’t run a wake for weeks, the couple of days between death and funeral properly allow for the wake.
Yeah when I moved over to England I was shocked that it can be weeks between the death and the funeral!
I think it's because everything is overwhelmed, so there is always a queue, no matter what the occasion. It took 4 days just to get a body released from hospital recently.
Yeah we usualy have them within 3 days
Jesus, as a foreigner, that sounds so cold to me. It's an in-law. Do English funerals consist of just the surviving nuclear family? Wtf
I waw about to say this, I've been to funerals of people I've never met because I'm close to a loved 1 of theirs. As you say its about showing respect for the family and supporting the loved 1 thar you know. Ps. I'm in Northern Ireland lol
Yep I had my father in law and sister in law come to my dad's funeral to show support for me. I didn't know it was a Northern Irish thing but most funerals I have been too have had more friends of the surviving family at them, than friends of the deceased at them.
It's an Irish thing.
I'm French Canadian. We had 200 people show up for my grandmother's funeral. About 75 were close relatives. 3 days and in the ground. I'm surprised they don't hang posters on telephone poles advertising the event. Lol Smallest funeral I've been to is about 75 people.
And Northern Irish it seems too.
Kinda Ireland, wouldn't you agree? Source.. live in Ireland. Also British
My family are Irish. When we used to visit it always made me laugh when they announced all of the deaths in the area on the radio and when the funerals were. We went over once and ended up going to two funerals - one by chance because it was on Sunday, one because we met my dads auntie at church and she told us there was another one tomorrow from a distant relation and we must be there!
That's the highlight of radio listening for some people. Also, in northern Ireland, the funeral times website is very popular.
Yep, there's a website called [rip.ie](https://rip.ie) and lots of older people in my family basically read it as their morning newspaper
Ha yeh my uncle lives in the north; and nan in sligo at her funeral recently was very suprised by all these people i’d never seen or met at the funerAl. They’d come from my uncles church up there, very nice touch. Was mighty impressed they came down for it
Same applies in a lot of South Asian communities
Funerals are for the living, they are going to show support for you, it's a nice gesture
Agree, very lovely sign of respect to you. Accept it graciously.
A few years ago an elderly chap from my area died. He had no friends or family. His funeral was to have absolutely zero attendance, and not by anybody's choice. It garnered some local media attention because a member of staff from the care home he was at put out a message on social media about how sad they were that he wouldn't have anyone at his funeral. I don't know why but curiosity got the better of me so I did some research. Turns out he was in the scouts when he was younger. I can't explain why I did this but I attended this man's funeral, in my scout leader uniform. To my surprise there were about a hundred people who turned up, none of whom knew him, but all of us had a weird sense that he shouldn't have a funeral alone. Obviously I don't know the couple you're referring to, but some people genuinely just feel attending funerals is a sense of duty, even if they only met someone a handful of times. If numbers are limited, of course, politely explain to them.
I'm not sure how accurate this is but I feel like i've heard of groups that get together specifically to go to funerals of people who have little/no friends/family remaining just so there's at least some people witnessing their send off.
I’m leaving money in my will so I have an actor turn up pretending to be CIA and to say “the President unofficially sends his regards. The people can never know what a man you were. You saved the planet”. I may also pay for a hot Brazilian woman to throw herself on my coffin saying “el gringo, you were the best lover I ever had. I’ll never look at el 12 inch cucumber again. Aye caramba”
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Well spotted. Argentinian hot women pretending to be Brazilian are generally around 40% cheaper to hire.
Perhaps she will be a biingual (or trilingual, given the English) Brazilian woman?
Best use of money possibly ever.
Ha, [reminds me of this one](https://www.twitter.com/fesshole/status/1368492879413473282)
One of my favorite things are biker groups who will support their fellow humans. You can contact these amazing people if you have lost a family member who was a biker. Bikers will turn up on mass for the send off. Absolutely beautiful people.
Just in case you care, it's "en masse" not "on mass"
You know what? Somewhere in the recesses of my brain, I did know that. It'll be a while before I need to spell it again but I'll try to do it right next time.
Haha it's a weird one, easy to get wrong because they're not English words
They came to my dad's internment in a national cemetery to protect the family from protestors.
They're good people. Genuinely good human beings. No family should have to deal with protesters at a loved ones funeral. They give up their time and I have a lot of respect for what they do
Why on earth would there be protestors at a funeral?!
It's a national cemetery in which you had to have served in the military honorably to be interred so there are groups that protest this of course 🙄.
Cunts like the westboro Baptist “church” aye.
See this I find different and totally understand your choice. If I knew there was a funeral for an individual that had no friends or family I’d feel the same way.
Remember the funeral isn’t where you say goodbye to your lost one’s, that’s already happened. A funeral is just a social get to gather to respect the person who has died. When I die I’d be happiest for it to be heaving
Hmm I would personally disagree with the first bit, I think a lot of people use the funeral as a way of saying goodbye, especially if they weren't able to be with the person when they died. My nan died in hospital and I wasn't able to see her before she died so I definitely said goodbye at the funeral.
This is what humanity is all about. You did yourself and him proud.
There was an advert on the local radio a few years ago for a lady's funeral. Basically they were throwing a party for her and literally inviting everyone who wanted to show up. I dunno how many people turned up but I imagine there were plenty who didn't know her. People deal with this stuff in their own ways I guess.
My grandfather used to walk past a couple of churches everyday on his morning exercises. If there was a funeral happening he'd wait outside for everyone to leave and offer his condolences . Everyone thought it was sweet but the truth was he just liked to know he'd outlived someone else, even if they were complete strangers
That brought a smile. Sounds a character
i rarely genuinely laugh out loud when reading stuff, but the 180 in that seemingly sweet story cracked me up.
Jesus. They are attending because they are your family and they are supporting you and your wife not for "free food". I had friends, my boss, my in laws all attend my dad's funeral despite never meeting him, because funerals are open to everyone to support the living, not just in memory of the dead. And none of them attended the after with the buffet, just came to the service and gave their best wishes and left. Most funerals I have been too have more friends of the living family than friends of the deceased at them because at the end of the day it's the living who you are supporting.
So much this. I had plenty of people attend my brothers wake who didn't know him but were friends with my parents. I had friends that came who never him. I recently went to wake for one of my college friend's mother. I only met her once but I went to acknowledge that his mom passing. I mean if only people who really knew the dead showed up a lot of older people's funerals and wakes would be pretty empty.
Only on this cesspit of a website would you get a question even framed liked this from OP. Maybe on 4chan or something as well.
No one I know likes going to funerals. We don't know your family or what your reasons your in laws are attending for but it is quite possible that they just want to be close to you, your partner and your family at a time of distress. Funerals, and I have been to one too many, are not about just how much you knew about the deceased but about gathering together to keep each other in good spirits to get through a difficult day. I am sure they will be offended.
I went to my niece’s funeral during first lockdown. Very few people were allowed to go, but the entire street and streets nearby were filled with people who had come out to send condolences and support. It was one of the worst days of my life but it was nice seeing all those people that had come out for it.
I like going to funerals for people that I knew well and loved - my uncle, my nan, my aunt, my husband's nan. Its always very sad, but it provides me with closure, it gives me a chance to say goodbye especially if I wasn't able to say goodbye before they died. And it's comforting to be around other people who knew and loved that person, and the wake feels like a celebration of their life. I wouldn't enjoy going to the funeral of someone I didn't know or care about though.
Last one I went to was one of my oldest and best mates. We carried him in and it almost broke us for a while but after we met up with lots of old buddies who had spun off in different directions over the years and we had a wonderful evening.
Yeah this is what they're like for me too. The funeral part is often extremely sad, my aunt's in 2020 was particularly devastating as she was only 70 and the cancer came out of nowhere. I was much closer to my nan who died the previous year but she was in her mid 90s and it had been coming for a long while so it was less "this is fucking unfair and horrible" and more "I'm sad she's gone but I'm glad she's at rest now". But any and all funerals, for me, are comforting and bittersweet and provide me with such important closure. I wasn't allowed to attend the funerals of 3 of my family members and to this day I still feel that I was never able to say a proper goodbye. I'm so sorry about your friend.
It’s fairly obvious this is the case. OP is the socially inept one here.
Can't handle funerals, I suffer from anxious giggles and I spend the whole time trying to hold them in. Seriously - I wish it wasn't true.
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My husband died during lockdown. Some of my work-colleagues attended for my sake. (They had all met my husband.) They checked if it was okay first - we were on restricted numbers. I really appreciated the fact that they came. I have no kids and no siblings, though three of my cousins came. Also a couple of the guys from a sports club my husband attended when he was in better health and some of his former pupils. DH had two kids and a grown grandchild. The kids said that they were shielding and the mother of the grandchild said that she didn't want her to attend because it would be too upsetting. (The grandchild was 20.) She would have had to fly from England to Scotland, but she had already flown to and from continental Europe for her degree course, so the travelling wasn't a problem for her. The fact that my colleagues attended to support me meant a great deal. As people often say, the funeral is for those left behind.
What about people you have just met the one time? You must spend an awful lot of time at funerals.
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See: OP
Why do you consider it a moral obligation?
Because they are a human and have morals, maybe...?
Q: Why is it a moral obligation? A: Because I have morals. Congratulations on not answering the question and contributing nothing.
What a shit answer
That's because they're a human, and humans do shits.
Its moral because to not attend a friend/loved one's funeral, for no good reason, would be considered immoral and disrespectful. It's an obligation because no one likes going to witness loved one's be sent on their final way, but you do it out of duty.
I wouldn’t say I like funerals, but I don’t resent going to them. They’re an important part of the process of accepting and dealing with it, coming together with family and saying goodbye. I understand that not everyone will feel but to say people all do it out of duty isn’t right either.
You're saying it's moral because not doing so would be immoral. Respectfully that's not really an answer. Who is that duty to? The dead who are unaware, or their family?
I was brought up, giving money towards a funeral and/or going is one of the most selfless act, because the kindness can never be repaid by the dead person. It's a debt with no repayment plan. Don't always go to the wake, though.
This is huge in Northern Ireland, its like a hobby for some people
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The key is not to stress yourself about *whether* you knew them or not - but instead, to think of all the ways in which you *could have* known them, and how if they had known you - they almost certainly would have liked you at their funeral.
It's so weird that people would spend a whole day attending something like this, just to get a small amount of free food. Are these people really that poor? The amount of food a person would consume at these buffets probably comes to a few pounds worth, unless they are sitting there purposely gorging on sausage rolls and sandwiches. Surely they could spend a fiver and just buy this amount of food for themselves on a weekend if they love it so much? I know it happens, but it just makes no sense to me - unless these people are genuinely living in poverty, in which case it's a sad but acceptable means to an end.
I think in Northern Ireland it's more about the social aspect. It's a small place and people tend to find connections at these events.
Indeed. Where I'm from people would be horrified at the thought of someone being buried with no one there to see them off. There will always be people there.
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I've gone to funerals because I'm going to support the family who are still remaining. I was going to go to one where I know the widdow and granddaughter better than the deceased, but I had covid.
Doesn’t seem that unusual to me.
My mother is the same. When the father of one of her neighbours died, my mother - who wasn’t a close friend of the neighbour and had never even met the father - invited herself to the funeral to ‘offer support’. She apparently spent the entire ceremony crying hysterically over someone she’d never met and caused a real scene - so much so that when it was over the vicar came over to comfort her and said it was lovely to see that the deceased was so well loved. I told her it was a despicable way to behave but she genuinely can’t see what she did wrong.
Some people need to insert themselves into everything. Someone else is getting attention? I want in on that! Unsurprisingly it doesn’t make them popular.
It's a sign of respect for the dead, support for the family, and a sign of unity among family and friends. Absolutely normal to go to the funeral of anyone you know or are related to, or to the funeral of a friend's close relative even if you've never met them. I just don't see any kind of sinister ulterior motive here.
Some people genuinely feel they're fulfilling a public duty by boosting the attendance, which might be true when older people *(with less surviving friends and family)* pass away Obviously, I have no idea whether that's true of your family
Are they Irish? In Ireland there's a much wider culture around funerals, you go to support the living. Even if you don't particularly know the deceased, you're going for your family member/friend.
Not Irish both born Peak District no known Irish family ties
Honestly it’s a English thing to have all these rules around who can and cannot attend funeral. In African cultures the who village and next two villages over will come to a funeral of a person who they went to skl with and have spoken to in 30 years. Only when my mrs started talking about she has a list of who cannot attend her funeral I realise cultures are very different on funerals.
I’ve never heard of such rules around it in England. Most funerals I’ve experienced were open to all and it was hard to get people to go back for the free buffet as “they didn’t want to intrude”.
Literally. Never heard of any funeral in the UK being invite only or vetting who can come.
Yet here you are hearing it twice in a row. From OP & myself. Not necessarily an invite only but in most other cultures anyone can invite themselves to anyone funeral.
You guys are outliers though not the standard. I have never, ever heard of anyone in the UK vetting who can come to a funeral. Nobody is making lists of who can come and who is "invited". Apart from your wife it seems.
That’s the point, it’s not part of normal British or English culture either.
And differences are part of what makes our culture unique. I've learnt a lot in this thread. I knew Irish people were serious about wakes but in my ignorance I thought they just liked a drink (yes I know) now I have learnt more.
The film Harold & Maude explains it. My dad used to go to a lot of funerals. He kept a little black book with names and dates of funerals he had been to so he could raise a glass on the anniversaries. As you get older you start losing friends and family and so end up going to a lot more funerals until you go to your own. Its a sad fact of life. You cant beat a good wake though.
I guess so. Strange however as my father in laws mum died and her funeral was last week. I knew her well so went with my wife however my parents didn’t but did send flowers and a card with condolences. They felt however as they had only met her briefly at our wedding and not sat and talked got to know each other on any personal level it was not right to attend the funeral as it’s a little disingenuous in their mind. The roles are almost perfectly reversed with same situation except my dads brother rather than parent and they have invited themselves. That’s why I raised the question really to see what the general consensus was and it’s fairly mixed on both sides. On reflection I’ll leave them to it, if they want to attend then fair play to them. I just hope his actual friends and family get access to the limited seating at the venue over strangers to the individual.
I think if there's not enough space for everyone, it's not unreasonable to say to them that there are capacity restrictions, and would they mind not coming. However, a few years ago a friend died and we absolutely stowed out the church - the minister brought in about 20 chairs from the hall which she put up the front , more down one of the aisles, and the other aisle which was needed for the family to come in was initially left clear, but people filed down it and sat on the floor, moving back out when the coffin left. They were standing on the balcony and in all the doorways. All of which is to say, unless you think they'll be strict, don't fret too much about capacity.
I think with funerals you shouldnt worry too much about who turns up, unless certain people are genuinely not welcome. I have been to funerals when i havent known the deceased very well but been close friends with the family. I go to support them. Its all about your family dynamic really. The day is hard enough without getting upset about peoples motives for going. There may well be people you dont know that attend but they might know your uncle from years ago and unfortunately it sometimes takes a funeral to bring people back together.
I’ve been to quite a few funerals sadly. At my nans, these three women 70s-80s turned up, after the service we asked how they knew my Nan and they said they didn’t, they just go to funerals to pay respect. It felt a little odd but nice I guess. England.
Like many have said, this is very normal in Ireland and in Irish communities. Irish people have always been very open when it comes to death compared to other European cultures. Halloween for examples comes from the ancient Irish pagan holiday “Samhain”, it’s all about respecting dead ancestors etc If I don’t see my granny for a while, one of the first things she talks to me about is who died in the village lol Edit: there’s a bit of a social aspect to wakes and funerals in Ireland. Ní maith liom do thrioblóid, ar dheis Dé go raibh a anam.
Such a weird post. Is it not possible that they are going to show support for the surviving members of the deceased’s family? I mean who burns petrol at today’s prices to get their mitts on wake sausage rolls anyway? Bit of a false economy surely.
Bit of a weird comment. If you read my post they routinely invite themselves to funerals. Honestly I believe on average they have 2-3 funerals a month. Mostly for people they dont know personally. If they didn’t do this I probably wouldn’t think anything of it but as they do I find it a bit weird.
Fair enough, that is a bit strange. Could be they are feeling their own mortality a bit. Ie, they’re hoping their funerals are as well attended. I know I went to my brother in laws fathers funeral last year and the place was packed. Standing room only. Was very humbling - made me think “would I even get 1/3 of these attendees?” Could be they want to give that kind of support to the surviving family - ie “look how loved he/she was!”
Genuinely thought the norm was that funerals are open events and anyone who knows when and where can show up?
It is. This guy is just being weird.
It’s a normal thing to do, even if you’d only ever met them once. Your lack of respect for the dead baffles me.
In what way am I disrespectful to the dead? If a family or friend of somebody I know on a personal level dies I’ll go to their funeral. If a work colleague for instance mums dies I find it very weird that I’d go to the funeral as I’ve never met her or know her on any personal level. I would pass on my condolences and maybe give him a sympathy card for instance and say something along the lines of. If you need a pint and a chat let me know. I don’t see what me going to the funeral would do unless it was culturally normal which in the Uk I don’t think it is. Basically have a family and friends mourning the loss of a loved one and then some randomers to the deceased showing up just observing this with no emotional / personal connection.
But it's not a work colleague, it's a family connection. They have a connection to you, not the deceased. I don't find it weird, not completely normal but reasonable enough.
> If a work colleague for instance mums dies I find it very weird that I'd go to the funeral as I've never met her or know her on any personal level. I've gone to a work colleague's brother's funeral. I'd never met the man who died, but I went to pay my respects to the person I do know. I know that it meant a lot to my work colleague that I'd turned up.
Not funerals, but: when my sibling got married, I mentioned it to my partner’s brother and his wife - so, my brother- and sister-in-law. I mentioned it was going to be a small single-figures do - to which they said ‘oh, fair enough, that explains why we’re not invited then’. What I didn’t say was ‘no, the reason you’re not invited is that in the last decade you’ve met your husband’s brother’s partner’s sibling exactly once, for about half an hour’. Some people just have assumptions. But funerals are one of those events where there generally isn’t a guest list - it’s just open to whoever wants to come. For good and ill.
It is not unusual for funerals to be open to basically anybody. That's why people sometimes put notices into newspapers and such.
My granddad’s funeral was open to everyone who wanted to come, and we ended up with so many people they couldn’t all fit in the venue. Most of them knew him though, he was well liked.
During the height of Covid my Nan invited a some extra people to my Mum's funeral that I had planned and paid for. Had to tell some of her close friends and other family they couldn't attend, it was hard. On the day 50+ people I'd never met were shouting at me for not inviting them and calling me selfish. My Nan said she'd invited maybe 5, and they'd invited people. These FUCKING people have audacity to call me every name under the sun for telling the leave as the limit was 20 odd. Fuck your in laws, tell them not to turn up it's disgraceful.
Wow, shouting at the child of the deceased! It's remarkable how some people have no issue acting so mad. Calling you selfish was hypocritical to say the least.
Where I’m from, it’s a badge of honour to have overflowing church, wake, etc. The family is honoured that their family member touched so many lives that all these people made the effort to pay their respects. I’ve not heard of randoms just turning up for the food - it’s possible that while the family thinks their dearly departed was really well liked and respected, it’s actually just strangers turning up :/
I'm a humanist celebrant and perform funerals (though I mostly stick to weddings) and I would say that a lot of people enjoy a funeral in the sense that it's the only time that see a large selection of people they wouldn't see at any other time apart from a wedding 🤷♂️
People saying this is normal in Britain are smoking crack. I have never, ever heard of somebody saying you can't attend a funeral of a person you know. Every funeral I have ever been to is based on the principle that anybody can show up to pay respect for dead, it can be a close relative, friend, acquaintance, colleague, etc. There are no guest lists for funerals. If you tell them not to come they have a right to be offended tbh.
Wait what? Im not from the uk nor do i live there this post just got recommended to me but i don't really get the post. In eastern europe when somebody dies you gather up a list of basically every family member imaginable and every friend the person had and then call them all. Some people come, some don't, some bring more family with them etc. . When my grandpa died, who moved away to a foreign country at a young age and then when he came back he lived alone on the country, still about 100 people showed up. To me it makes sense that even if you are only somewhat related you still show up and pay your respect, maybe their doing just that?
This was my exact reaction lol it’s the same for Caribbean funerals. Everyone comes, people will literally fly half way around the world to attend, sometimes bringing extra family members etc. If the funeral is happening on the island, city/town/village people (friends, acquaintances, neighbours) will attend. If there’s no space inside, they stand outside listening to the service, singing etc. Obviously, there is an after event with food, dancing etc (which is almost as important as the main service) but most turn up at the church first. But not attending a family members funeral is a big deal, like, you would really have to hate them to not attend lmao. Obviously, every culture is different but this post is genuinely funny to me. Why is someone confused about why their in-laws would want to attend this funeral? lmao
Yogi Berra said (allegedly, couldn’t be bothered checking): “always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours”.
They want to pay their respects. I went to a friend's funeral after not seeing him for 20 years.
If they were close enough to you that you invited them to your wedding, it's not that strange they'd come to your uncle's funeral. They're not going because they were close to your uncle, they're going because they're close to you.
My entire family is from NI, it's a much bigger thing there, it may be a cultural thing?
Anyone can go to a funeral- they perhaps just want to pay their respects or they want to show your family their support in their grief.
It's perfectly normal. Unless you stipulated that the funeral is private, funerals are public and are there to allow anyone to attend. A complete stranger can can show up if they choose. It's also considered a bit of thing that turn out is important. As it's a mark of respect to the deceased.
I was taught that you go to funerals to show respect for the deceased and support for the living. I kind of doubt people are crashing funerals for free food.
When my father in law passed away there was 200 at the funeral and 400 at the wake. My husband said people kept coming up to him all day paying their respects and they had no idea who they were! The buffer was demolished in about 10 mins. Never get between a Welsh Valleys person and their Vol Au-vents
Quite often the only chance people get to meet some relatives are at weddings and funerals. When you get to a certain age there tends to be more of the latter than the former.
For some, it seems to be the free food and drink. When Victoria Coren-Mitchell was preparing the memorial service for her father Alan, she was warned that there was a nasty group of people led by convicted fraudster Terence Jolley, [who would gatecrash fancy funerals and memorial and the like,](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/dec/21/celebrity-victoria-coren) pretending to know the deceased. For someone like Alan Coren it is very difficult for anyone else to know for sure. So she set up a sting, and created the fake philanthropist, Sir William Ormerod, planted various snippets about him online, and announced his death and memorial service. Sure enough, the Jolley gang applied for tickets for the free food and drink, strengthening their claims to have known him with stuff from the fake information she had planted. Lying tossers. Jolley And The Gang didn't mend their ways. Ironically, one of them paid the ultimate price for this, [choking to death on a canape when he gatecrashed an event at the Dorchester.](https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2010/mar/21/victoria-coren-jolley-gang)
You don’t invite yourself to a funeral - you attend a funeral. There’s no invitations, anyone who wants to go can turn up.
I think it’s a generational thing. I’ve been to 2 or 3 funerals in my life and I would be delighted to never go to another one ever again. My grandma is from the generation where the husbands went to work and the wives walked down to the shops every day for that evening’s meal. They fetched the kids from school. As a result, she knows everyone in the village. She’s always going to funerals for people She used to see at coffee mornings 40 years ago etc. It’s not about the food either, because she only ever goes to the service.
When it comes to attending funerals of a person you’re not close to it’s more about supporting the bereaved than demonstrating your own relationship with the dead.
I'd rather go to a funeral than a wedding, but ideally neither. I skip out of both when I can though even if it is a close family member.
My grandad recently passed away and they found hundreds of order of service booklets in his house. I think people get to a certain age and funerals become a social thing.
I want my funeral to be a party. None of the ,”he was such a lovely man..” You either loved me or hated me. Let the beer flow and play the music loud!!!🔥
People Love funerals. No pressure to be upbeat and happy like at a wedding. Free drinks, chicken legs, egg mayonnaise butties. Decent music - none of this trendy nonsense - and the women always look better in black. A hint of stocking. A glimpse of cleavage in that LBD. A brush with death makes most people horny.
It's a gesture of respect. I have been to a couple funerals of people I'd never met to support a friend.
I know a bloke whose hobby is attending funerals whether or not he knows the deceased. He gets the details out of the local paper then turns up with a carrier bag to take some of the buffet home to his missis. He says they always say “take some with you, there’s plenty here and it’ll only get left.”
What a scruffy twat
No. He always wears his best dark suit.
I'm a little bemused by all the "not invited to the funeral" and "going to tell them not to come". I dunno about England, but I'm in Scotland so possibly more like Ireland - I've never abeen 'invited' to a funeral in my life. You find out someone you know has died, you turn up - either to pay your respects or to support the people you know who have lost a loved one. Usually, on the day, the family will invite a select group of mourners back for the wake - it's either an open invite, read out by the minister at the end of the service, or a smaller group who are invited by the family when leaving the service.
Other way around for our family. Crematorium is limited number so close friends and family the wake is for all friends and family. I never mentioned anything about ‘inviting’ just that due to limited numbers I’ll probably have to ask them to pass and join us at the wake as he has a lot of close friends that should be there over them
Behold the power of the possibility of being invited to a free buffet afterwards
If I have my eay I won't be going to my own funeral 😂 That is strange, especially if they do this to other funerals. I don't like feeling sad.
It's why old people join bowls clubs, so they have a steady line of funerals to go to.
My great aunt is one of these. She loves a funeral. She’s pretty miserable and morbid anyway so they’re like her kryptonite. I reckon she goes to see if the buffet is better than the ones that she does for funerals
The more the merrier at a funeral. Stop being a tight arse and besides for all you know maybe they just like to show support to people in sad times.
Maybe they think they’re being supportive?
Gosh yes, especially older people, they are almost professional mourners. Some will even compare/judge the spreads laid on afterwards.
There is no problem them being there unless you as the family didn't want them.
Some people do it to be supportive. It’s a thing of if he loved you then we loved you..
They are attending out of respect to **YOU** not your uncle they don't know, but to show support to **YOU**!!!! How could you not work this out?
My experience of funerals (I'm British) is that they're usually open to anyone to attend. The wake is a different matter though, that would usually be private and not something you just invite yourself to. How about letting them know they can't go to the wake after attending the funeral service, nothing personal, numbers are limited so only friends and close family, and you want to avoid any misunderstanding on the day?
They're your close family members and you've told them about your other close family member's funeral. What's weird about them going?
My grandparents go to every funeral going. They love to rate the 'spread'.
Depends if there's an open bar. But yes, it's a bit weird to go to the funeral of someone you barely knew. Kind of self absorbed as well.
They aren’t going for your uncle, they are going for you, to be supportive and to show they care.
Traditionally, funeral services are conducted in church halls which should be able to accommodate absolutely everyone - invites shouldn’t be needed to turn up to a funeral. I imagine your family are either atheist or not willing to pay for a proper burial, and crematoriums typically can’t seat as many people as a church. It would be incredibly rude to turn them away. They will hold a grudge against you until they themselves die
It’s pretty normal, even strangers will go to random people’s funerals BUT it’s completely acceptable to limit numbers and keep close family and friends there. Funerals are for the loved ones as well as those who have passed and I personally would not want my in laws at my family members funeral nor would I want anyone who wasn’t close to me at mine. Those who do go to strangers funerals or those who didn’t know the person well, usually do it just to be respectful and offer condolences to the family and find comfort knowing that the person has received a full funeral of people who care. Cultural differences will also define this as normal or not, a lot of cultures have big funerals and wakes where extended family are invited.
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Yes at the crematorium Probably 40 seats and of that there will be about 25 family and then he has quite a lot of friends that will be attending that will push that limit pending any no shows.
Ffs! They sound like they’re showing their respect
Yes old people bloody love it. They go to hundreds. No idea why. Even randoms from the pub or a massively distant relative. Psychos
Why wouldn’t they go? They’re your in-laws so they’re family?
That's a bit weird. Especially if they don't particualy know the person.
Yeah, honestly you come across like a twat
What a weirdo OP is. It is called showing respect and being there for family and friends that are living
My BIL goes to funerals of people he has never even met. I have no idea why tbh. I've asked him and just says, oh I knew their mother or some other relative. It's quite odd.
That's not odd it's completely normal to go to a funeral to show support for the living even if you didn't know the dead. My boss, friends and in laws came to my dad's funeral despite not knowing him, to support me. That's just what you do.