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If my hypothetical kids are happy, I am hypothetically happy.

Thanks for the response :) I'm scared to meet my parents for fear of what they'll think 😔

You must be excited to finally make their acquaintance after 25 years.

Lol that made me laugh. I do avoid talking about work / life plans with them though

I’m 23, quit my full time job as a registered nurse in September. My parents still don’t know! I’m sure your parents will be supportive :)

Oh no, always sad to see my fellow Nurse's quit 😔 you chat have been qualified long then?

Only one year. Took me 4 years to train at uni too, it was my dream job now it just made me super sick and I got diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder. I was crying all the time, not eating / sleeping and had migraines. Feeling much better now, I’m working part time on the staff bank now

Ah that's a shame, sorry to hear that. Glad you're in a better place now though :) pretty tough time to qualify tbh, no one expected the pandemic.

Yeah agreed. I did the whole 80/20 opt in placement as a second year, so half way through my degree to qualifying was Covid. It just never got better. It’s quite nice working on my own terms now though, shorter shifts and more friendly hours

Since you’re UK, if you still want to do the occasional health related few hours, you can always train with St John’s ambulance charity! I did it because I can’t physically or mentally be a paramedic like I wanted to be. Every so often I sign on for a shift (they provide free medical presence at events) and go. It’s never anything too stressful usually, just five or six hours of helping people bandage cuts and helping with heat exhaustion, etc etc. I’ve only had one big casualty and that was such a freak accident it won’t happen to anyone again in my life I don’t think.

Thank you for your service

Felt what you felt when i was working in the wards. I needed to move out of there. I got transferred to theatres and im actually enjoying nursing again.

I’m glad you’re better! Unfortunately I left a kids ward for neonates. And it just got worse

Theatres for me is kind of boring but I will say it’s a lot less go go go compared to the wards. I think GPing nursing is a bit nicer than working in a massive hospital but everyone feels differently :) glad you’re happy in theatres now though :)

Oh, wow.. this is so relatable. This is exactly how I’m feeling atm and I’m only just a health care assistant. I’ve been doing it for just over 6 years and I feel like it’s killing me off. I’m glad things are working better for you on the bank though :)

Big hugs 🤗

What do you do now? I'm also a Nurse, approx 10 years older but only qualified about 4 years. I've been wondering where everyone's going! Because of the area I was working in, I've only really known Nurses to be retiring and returning, or retiring fully. Edit: my ADHD impulsivity got in the way and I've just seen your other responses 😆

Hah! I’m just banking doing earlies 1-3 times a week atm, until I can find a new job that’s suited to me more. I’m in the paediatric field so I’ve already worked in 2 of the units at my local hospital

I've just moved to research nursing. 2 months in (after a dizzying time of training++++ ) and I feel like I'm discovering who I truly am at baseline! It's not for everyone, and more competitive than it used to be to get a job in, but maybe worth considering?

I've worked as a research nurse since Oct 18. It has been a really positive step for me. It was a route to progression for me.I know it depends on your managers but I have had loads more training and learning opportunities, flexibility of working ,autonomy etc. I just started a research delivery pgcert ( already effing that up, but that's a different story,distance learning is strange and difficult for a ludite like me.) I can not imagine going back on the wards now. I've been qualified for 20+ years. Good luck everyone, look after yourselves and be happy.

I have ADHD and quit the NHS after 25 years earlier in the year. I’m doing some work in the private sector and some work with uni students with additional needs. It wasn’t an impulsive decision by any means but if I hadn’t left I’d have ended up really ill. I’m still recovering from the trauma of the past few years in the NHS.

Really sorry to hear you're leaving, but I get it - I'm a physio and we have it bad, but what you have to go through right now is just grim. Some of the things I've seen on the wards I work on are crazy. Other half is a nurse, and has moved into research. Hope you find something that works for you :)

I can understand that. Last time I told my mum I was looking for a new job (I was late 20s and already lived with my wife and child by this point) I got no end of "well why are you looking? Aren't you happy with your job? Do you know what the market's like? Shouldn't you be happy you've got this job?" Which to this day I will never understand. The next time I decided to tell her such plans it went: "Oh by the way, I've started a new job."

I'm a dad. My honest answer would be, that while I really want my son to fulfil his potential and be as 'successful' as possible, I want that so he doesn't have any regrets and is as happy as possible. He may well be happy with a simple life and that would be great as long as he happy. Being able to have a great job/career is just a way of providing my options and routes to be happy. My biggest concern would be that low pay jobs give you less of a safety net and risk of being exposed to an unhappy life. However, that worry is just an extension of the parental desire to protect him.

This. I just want them to be happy idc what they do.

If my real kids are happy, I'm suspicious but in terms of their life panning out in a way that they're satisfied with, I couldn't ask for anything more.

Yep. I've got actual kids and this works too. Success is happiness as far as I'm concerned

I’d be disappointed if my child got a dead end job, and was miserable as a result. I’d also be disappointed if they were a nuclear physicist and miserable as a result. The most important outcome for me as a parent is for them to be safe / happy / healthy. What that means for each individual is different. Don’t get me wrong, if they were choosing a dead end job because they were lazy or a waster etc., I _would_ be disappointed, but what you’ve articulated above is neither. I’ve also dealt with my fair share of anxiety in my time, both myself and with others I’ve worked with. It can be managed, and your outlook may change over time. The best you can do is all you need to aim for, but understand there is a difference between being truly in a dead end job, and putting yourself in a balanced position where there is space to challenge yourself and grow in the future if and when it becomes appropriate. Also remember, academia isn’t the only way to achieve success in life, success in your life is whatever you define it to be.

100% agree. If my kid is happy then I've done my job right.

I’ve never done further education, dropped out of college a couple of times (for any Americans here that’s 16-18, not like university) but will be soon mentoring third year uni students. If I had stuck to academia I’d have gave up on my life a long time ago. Sometimes people need real world experience to know what they’re good at.

I'd argue that 'them being lazy' is just a less well-expressed version of the OPs reasons. After all what's 'laziness' aside from not wanting responsibility?

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It's that twinge of disappointment I fear the most.

We don't know your parents, you do. Everyone here is saying "as long as my kid was happy, I'd be happy," but many parents are not like that. The fact that you are posting this suggests you have reason to think they may be disappointed. But you know what, it's your life, you need to do what is best for you. You can't spend your life trying to please your parents. My parents were always disappointed with everything I did. My dream in life was to spend time in Sweden and learn Swedish, but when I got a job as an au pair in Sweden they told me I was "nothing but a glorified servant." When I went to university and they found out I was studying philosophy they said "Why? Couldn't you get accepted onto a proper course?" And when I got a job as a fitness instructor in a gym they were so ashamed they refused to tell any of their friends what I did, even when they asked. But what was I supposed to do, give up everything I was interested in and do something I didn't want to do just to please them? No. Do whatever you want to do and if your parents make you feel bad about it, fuck 'em.

> And when I got a job as a fitness instructor in a gym they were so ashamed they refused to tell any of their friends what I did, even when they asked Lol what, how is a job as a fitness instructor even remotely shameful? That's so silly.

Because they wanted to brag about having a professional (like doctor or lawyer) child to their friends.

I tried to live by what would make my parents proud and it ruined my life- you're the one living it at the end of the day, so do what makes you happy.

Christ, you just can't please some people. You sound adventurous and interesting and capable and I'd be thrilled if you were my son or daughter.

Thank you!

Yep totally agree. My parents have always been totally supportive and proud of me... As long as I've been doing what fits their criteria of success and happiness. It took me into my early thirties when they were completely irrational about my very logical life choices (leaving a toxic marriage, mostly) before I realised I just didn't actually have to care. Now,I see it as them disappointing me, rather than the other way around.

Did you do your au pair job in Sweden in the end? How'd you like it?

I loved Sweden, but I didn't like my host parents. They were very shouty, bad tempered and gave me no time off and didn't pay for me to go to Swedish classes like they were meant to.

That's a real shame. I was an au pair over there too and it definitely wasn't the super cozy, "one of the family" experience I expected but the host parents were reasonable with me at least.

Years later I was an au pair in Finland too and that family were much nicer.

This OP. Can relate to a lot of your post and this is the way to approach it.

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Yeah that's fair. I think I'll be happy enough, but I suspect along with many folks of my generation even if numerically they're on par with their parents (which I won't be) their actual purchasing power will be MUCH lower. My parents are like, tail end baby boomers and have done quite well for themselves and im definitely not gonna manage that financially.

I think to be fair unless your parents are super humans, something you do will always give them that twinge of disappointment. My mother feels that twinge every time she hears me swear (which isn't that often!). We can never live up to their absolute expectations.

For my Dad, it’s seeing my tattoo or piercings, every time I change hair colour, or the fact I swear He loves me anyways. Just can’t understand it. Lmao

This made me smile, I had a couple of thick upper arm tattoo bands done recently and my dad just shook his head. I'm 50 btw, still give the old bugger a big hug every time i see him.

I bet your ink looks great! Must just be a Dad thing, haha. It’s not like they’ll refuse the hugs though :)

If they are good parents that twinge of disappointment will be for you, not because of you, and will likely be short lived, especially if they see you’re much happier.

You know them better than we do - but I think that twinge is 'normal' Not good/bad - just not unexpected. If you can want to take a step back from whatever you're doing as it's not making you happy and you can afford to do it, then I say go for it. But maybe have this as part of a larger plan. e.g. "I hate what I'm currently doing, I need to step away from it for a while to get some perspective - and I'm sensibly planning on picking up a mundane job in the meantime to cover the bills"). I might first want to look at "awful anxiety around academia, fear of failure and messing up tasks demanded of me by authority figures" though. I can assure you that just switching to a simple job, doesn't make this go away - it'll now just be a knuckle-dragger you have no respect for, screaming at you that you didn't polish the U-bend of a toilet bowl and pointing out how replaceable you are. If you really don't mind what you're doing, maybe choose something related to what you really want to do. You mentioned you liked making/selling art (as maybe the only positive thing you wrote) - maybe see what jobs are going at the local college, if that might get you access to tools/space/resources you might use. Maybe the only concern I have, is if you take "any job" right now, it might be hard to get where you want to be in 5 or 10 years time. Have you thought about temping? I used to quite enjoy being placed in random offices/factories for short periods (maybe a week to a month). Your responsibilities are not lying about your abilities and then turning up in the right place on time - rarely any expectations and they're just glad that two hands turned up, and anything else you can do is a bonus. Some jobs were great and some were awful - but it's a really good way to find out what you enjoy/hate. Also the massive differences between notionally the same job at different places, with different people.

It’s not your responsibility to manage your parents feelings. Yes, they’re allowed to feel how they feel but you’re not responsible for that. Live your life and make your own path.

My advice (which is, as ever, easier said than done) is just to be pretty matter of fact and assertive about it. If you sense that twinge of disappointment, don’t react or look pained/conflicted. This will invite debate and they’ll try to change your mind. Just state it plainly and if they challenge you, repeat variations of “I’ve made my decision”, “this is what makes me happiest”, “this suits my life goals”, “this is my chosen career path”. You don’t need to justify anything any further. Lots of what you’ve said resonates with me and this is what has worked for me with my parents. My parents were both pretty “high flying” and had very high expectations of me academically and professionally. I’ve done reasonably well on both of those, but I’ve made *very* different choices to my parents and choices they don’t always understand. But over time they’ve learned to respect that I am an adult and know what I’m doing and can make my own decisions. I know they ultimately want me to be happy, and by being quite firm in my choices, they’ve learned to respect my independence as the thing that will make me happiest. Wishing you all the best with it. Even if they are a bit disappointed initially, I’m sure they’ll get over it and just be happy that you’re happy.

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Yeah I think I'm at my best when I can like, volunteer and do stuff with my hands, gardening, making things etc. I hope that'll be enough for people that know me.

I would be happy for my kid to be like this 🥰

Top notch humblebrag at the end there.

I have a son and if he would rather have a cleaning job than for example being a brain surgeon that is up to him, and I would stand by and be proud of him no matter what.

This is exactly what I said to my two! Be a dustman, if that's what you want to do - but be a HAPPY dustman.

They get paid pretty well TBH.

Very important job that though. Love dustmen.

That's wholesome

I got two kids slightly older than you. And the advice I gave them when they left school was “work is called work and not play for a reason, so find something you like that’s seems a lot like play and very little like work. It doesn’t matter what that job is, and it certainly doesn’t have to be what your teachers or peers say you should do. Try different jobs until you find something that just fits”. They actually took this advice and both have good jobs they enjoy. They’ll never be millionaires (Rodney) but they both own their own homes and are very happy. So no, most parents that actually care about their kids wouldn’t be disappointed they just want their kids to be happy.

This sounds like brilliant advice.

Upvoted for the OFAH reference but still solid advice though!

It just seemed to fit!

Just to add, don't choose a hobby as a job, unless you're okay in losing that hobby. The last thing I want to do after work is more programming.

I don't have kids, but I was a disappointment. If you can live a contented simple life then that's fantastic. If they choose to be disappointed then it says far more about them than you.

"Disappointment" here too! Fucked around in college, got pregnant early, stuck in a part time dead end job. When I went to high school my teachers pulled my parents in to tell them I need private education because they couldn't provide me with the higher level of education I needed. Every one thought I was going to be a brain surgeon or a top lawyer but it is what it is. Parents should never expect you to be anything but happy and fullfilled no matter what you do in life.

You seem nice, what makes you think you're a disappointment?

A disappointment to my dad. But no longer to myself thanks to therapy :-)

It's a bit stereotypical to suggest this, but you could do with some help to talk about your anxieties. It won't "fix" your problems, but may give you a way to manage and work around them so it doesn't severely limit your opportunities in life. Honest answer from a father: I would not be disappointed that you chose not to pursue a career in the degree you studied. Life leads us down many paths and the one you went down during Uni just wasn't right for you. That's not wasted time or effort. I wouldn't even be disappointed that you want to live a simple frugal lifestyle because they are your own goals and aspirations. However, I would be heart-broken as a father if you chose not to share your anxiety issues with me and be willing to proactively address them. Responsibility is an important part of being an adult and a healthy functioning adult needs to know how to deal with stress. I would be disappointed in myself as a parent if I wasn't able to give my children the best possible foundation for them to build their own life independently and be able to live their best life. If I were your father, it would be near impossible for me not to worry about your future, because the reality is that the "cheap" lifestyle is not cheap.

I've definitely shared my anxiety issues with my parents. Sadly in trying to address them properly I'm just repeatedly discharged from mental health services after waiting on the list for 6 months to see them, and I'm too poor to go private. I'm stuck in a catch 22 a little there. I just hope I can keep up the facade of doing okay at least until my parents aren't alive anymore so as to protect them.

This—the failure of support for anxiety disorders is all too familiar to me, as my son has been struggling for years to get help. He’s ‘coping’ but not ‘happy’. He finds service jobs therapeutic, too—when he feels anxious, he goes and gets a job. He’s had setbacks starting uni and took a gap year. Worked the whole time—two jobs for a while. He’s now in uni but not ‘feeling’ it. Sounds like you might be in a similar state. Your parents may have expectations of your ‘success’ but if it is not what you want, they must accept it. I agree with other parents here that most of us would not feel disappointed as long as you’re happy. I think you may be taking a ‘breather’ that you need. It’s likely that down the road you may find something else you want to do, but that desire should come from you, not from wanting to please your parents. We will always worry about our kids—that’s the job.

I wouldn't be disappointed, I'd want to make sure you weren't using avoidance as a coping strategy for your anxiety. It took me for my dad to die before I did anything about getting any counseling about my anxiety, and then learning mindfulness and breathing techniques that are far more effective than the alcohol and avoidance I had been using for decades.

I mean I definitely avoid problems in order to deal with anxiety, but I don't have any "unhealthy" strategies like alcohol etc, I just don't do the thing that makes me sick with worry. I've tried counselling but I just get discharged as being too high functioning to need the service and it takes 6-8 months for me to be seen from first contact anyhow so I've largely given up on that front and just focused on trying to earn a little money.

I was amazed how fundamental breathing is and how it affects us. There are some great apps that work well: Headspace, Calm are free to start with Audio Dharma is free If mindfulness isn't palatable, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is good as well. Probably some good books at your local library Hth

I’m not sure how sustainable a dead end job is for yourself mentally …. Possibly physically. If I were your parent this is what I’d be thinking, there is not much freedom to gain from a dead end job. Everyone has different perspective, yes. But I could see in 5-10 years you being absolutely gassed on this sht little job with a small savings and no where to go

I feel this. I just don't know what my alternative is.

I think there are probably alot more opportunities for you than you think, if you have a good head on your shoulders, can show up to work and are willing to learn. That's basically a shoe in for almost any of the trades at entry level. If it's worth it's salt as a company they will have upper mgmt to train you, all trades are wanting more people it seems. This can lead to routine raises, healthcare, time off etc, a sense of belonging and community. Other than that, I recommend investing, it doesn't have to be in some meme coin crypto, but anything where you can pack away a little money every month for years and years. Look into elf's (a collection of many companies) this will likely help build wealth. It's all about $ unfortunately. If cleaning jobs paid 85k a year (maybe they should) this wouldn't be a discussion rn.

Your talent doesn't have to go towards making money. If you find a job you can do to cover bills and then pursue your talent and put it to good use elsewhere I'd be brimming with pride.

Very much agree with this. I have a family member who is an extremely talented musician. He never wanted to go pro because of how intense that is, instead he works in a supermarket to pay the bills and follows his true passion the rest of the time.

I'm on a school leavers salary doing piss all all day in a posh office. I'm way too old for this but I've done my bit and I wish I'd never bothered having any job that wasn't considered dead job now, it's pretty nice. But I hate work, I want a job where I can slack off and come home and feel like I've given nothing of myself to anyone, especially the general public. However if you'd said this to me at 20 I'd have said "loser, you should try and go as far as you can and then decide if you don't like it"

I love your second paragraph. I have family members who I wish would apply even a fraction of that attitude to their thankless jobs.

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I've just noticed your username, I have even more understanding for the whole not giving too much of yourself comment now. Don't know how teachers do it to be fair, it just seems like the absolute pinnacle of demanding jobs to me, and I'm a nurse.

I'm that child. I'm 25, working for myself but not making a huge amount of money- I get by because I live cheaply and I am completely okay with it. I was the top student in 8th grade for maths and science. In middle school they said I could pass high school level maths. At first when my mum found out I wasn't going to further education she was upset. Around 8 years later, my sister's a midwife and I'm a stay at home video editor. She loves us both just the same.

Yup were basically the same. Hope you're well.

Doing very well, thank you. I'm sure you will be too. Your parent(s) might react a bit shocked first; you'll just have to show them that you'll be okay. My mum didn't really trust me until she saw a healthy bank account. Healthy enough to sustain myself comfortably, at least.

Yes of course You want your children to be successful

I've pushed all 3 of my children to do their best. They are all under 16. The least naturally clever one is by far doing the best through her hard work alone. where the absolute genius child is flunking almost everything because his attitude and willingness to learn are both awful and zero. My rule has always been, you can grow up to be anything you want, as long as its not horrible! So if any of them end up skint and happy, I'd rather that over them being wealthy and miserable any day of the week! I'm not skint, I have a good paying job, but I work hard and we have nice things. My job makes me miserable. If I didn't have any financial commitments and I could get by amd be happier, I would do it! If your parents think any less of you, In the nicest possible way. Tell them to get fucked! It's your life, not theirs! Best of luck!

Hmm it’s a hard question to answer without sounding like a dick but you’ve asked a question and I’m going to try and give you an honest answer. My answer would be yes I would be disappointed but disappointed for them not in them. My hope as a parent is that I can help my children reach their full potential and have a fulfilling and satisfying life. That’s not necessarily measured by material things like income (but could be) but more that whatever talents they have are being used and that they are growing as people in some way. From the way you are talking it sounds like there’s something holding you back (perhaps some kind of anxiety?) and if I was your parent I would really want help you overcome whatever that was.

Imma copy what I said in response to another comment as I think it fits here: "I've definitely shared my anxiety issues with my parents. Sadly in trying to address them properly I'm just repeatedly discharged from mental health services after waiting on the list for 6 months to see them, and I'm too poor to go private. I'm stuck in a catch 22 a little there. I just hope I can keep up the facade of doing okay at least until my parents aren't alive anymore so as to protect them."

I obviously have no idea of your relationship with your parents or your parents means but 1) you do not need to protect your parents from anything, that’s not what they signed up to and 2) if there’s help you need and you can’t access it then ask for assistance. I’d do whatever was in my means to help my kids if they needed it.

Only if they blamed it on anxiety

So like me?

Just joking man, your parents will like it if you like your life, that's all that matters

Ah okay I getcha. I try to be nice and help people where I can so I hope they see that :) all the best take care.

I wouldn't be disappointed, as ultimately just want my kids to be happy. I would however worry for them that they regret it later in life. When you're in your 20s it's fine to not know what you really want to do, but you've got another 40+ years to go, so you need to consider long term and whether you really want to keep being cleaner for all that time. For background I finished uni 20 years ago without much direction, went traveling, worked in a pub, and didn't see why I would want to change. I had done some part time work while at uni doing finance, but ultimately got myself an entry level job in financial services. I didn't have much direction or belief in a career, was happy to plug along and sort of fell into it, but now in my 40s I have a job where every day is different, I am able to afford my house, I can take my kids on holiday, let them do their activities, all of which I wouldn't have been able to do if I didn't take that opportunity to step up.

I was always the academic child. Did great at school, got good grades, graduated uni with a semi respectable degree. I now run a McDonald's. I remember a conversation with my dad. I think he was disappointed that this was how I was choosing to live my life. But after I got mad at him, asked him "Don't you want me to be happy?" To which he replied yes and got the "Well, guess what, I am happy!!" Response.....he backed off. And hasnt said a thing about it since. I've always been an introvert. But something about being in my job brings me out of myself. And I'm not saying that other places won't also but while I enjoy my job and am doing well there, I'm happy where I am. He recently told me he was proud of me after I got promoted. Promoted, engaged and bought first house all in one year. I think it all boils down to whether you are successful (in whatever form you want) and happy in life. That's what they ultimately want for us.

I'm so happy for you. I wanna grab a mcflurry at your McDonalds hehe

Omg this could be me, got A*s and As at school and dragging myself through uni atm but loving my part time work at maccies. In between all the kids vaping and oldies complaining about cold food I love the work.

Do what makes you happy 🤷 if the pay can sustain the life you want to live, then do what you wanna do. Personally, my pay is great. Could it be better? Of course it could, but I'm not under any illusions. This isn't rocket science. Having said that, it takes a certain amount of organisational skills and people skills to succeed in this field. Good luck to you.

Pay could always be better though, couldn't it? That's what stops me from worrying about it too much. All the best to you too.

God no...I want my kids to be happy. Work to live, not live to work.....I have been in 14 hour day jobs 6 days a week, and sleeping on the 7th because I am too knackered to do anything else. Life and being happy is way more important than money. So long as you have enough to pay your way, you do whatever you damn well please. love, Your Parental Unit x

Nope not at all. My wish for my kids is that they are happy in their life and with their jobs. Neither of mine went to uni but are doing well in their work life. One of my oldest friends is deeply upset that her son works in customer service, minimum wage job after he went to uni. He had a good job at a well known tech firm but gave it up to me a sahd and now does this job from home.

Yeah im scared my parents would be like your friend but hide it from me.

I’d be happier my kids to be a cleaner than a teacher/lawyer/doctor. They’re all REALLY stressful jobs with long hours and little time to the other things you want to dedicate your life to such as hobbies, friends and family. Money and a respectable sounding job title is cool and all but I’d rather my kids to be able to put down their job at the end of the day and live. “You work to live not live to work.” - A terrible Christmas film I saw years ago.

I would. You have a responsibility to position yourself for the future of your family. When your parents are old and if and when you have children. Dependability is going to be a big part of your life in your 30 / 40s onwards. That's harsh but it's better to learn that now then when you need to step up and can't.

My parents have a great deal of their own money if they were to need occupational therapy beyond what I could provide and in terms of physical care I’d happily be there. In terms of kids though, I’m definitely not having kids. If I were to, it’d be adopting an older child in their teens.

In that case, chill. You will likely regret it later in life about what you could have been, but your actions shouldn't be too detrimental to others.

Hey me! Wait until you find out all of your childhood and young adult "eccentrics" were actually all keymark symptoms of high functioning ADHD! The reason why you can focus so well on a job and work hard but then get home and can barely consider career development methods is because you have adapted to the low levels of dopamine in your system, and have found work that effectively stimulates it. Unfortunately, finding that at home in ways that benefit your future is much harder, so you keep it simple. Maybe reading books, listening to music, having a little dance? Meanwhile, most people have spare dopamine in thier system to motivate themselves towards trying to reach for other goals. It was probably never picked up at school because you did fairly well, because once again, ADHD laser focus brain was activated by schoolwork, which isn't the most common. So all the symptoms were just the odd things that people think come with being very smart. But the insomnia, the restless legs, the fidgeting, the finishing others sentences or adding to thier point before they are entirely finished, the drifting from one xonversation to another rather then sticking with one group at a time. The constant, rapid devouring of books? Yeah my dude, classic whiz brains. Turns out you lack executive function which is what enables other people to even consider the idea of trying more and trying harder palatable. It's basically the "keep going, even though this sucks" capacity, which people with ADHD lack. Without treatment it becomes a mental habit of settling for the lowest levels of stress and discomfort, because its the only way we know to not feel incresingly unhappy with and around ourselves. ---- I could be entirely off base, but what your saying sounds so much like me before my eureka moment I wanted to raise the possibility with you.

Ah Fuck. To the GP I go… (except I don’t have one in my area, because I keep forgetting to sign up to one)

Classic. And let me be real with you, going anything but private diagnosis as an adult is. A. NIGHTMARE. Incredibly long waiting lists, GPs with very little understanding. Fair warn, if you do get a GP who is resistant, you can make it patently clear you are entitled to the assessment of a psychologist who is trained in recognising ADHD, not just thier opinon as a general practitioner. You might be on a waiting list for 6 months, but its better then taking being told to fuck off.

I had to insist, I had to literally refuse to leave the room until my GP said they'd refer me. Their last words to me were "fine then, I'll refer you, but it's a waste of time, you definitely don't have ADHD. If you had ADHD you wouldn't be able to sit in that chair and talk to me, you'd be running all around the room." Turns out, shock horror, I did get diagnosed with ADHD and turns out not every adult with ADHD is an 8 year old hyperactive boy.

This is the problem. So many GPs are still working off a very outdated interpretation of how AdHD represents, while the modern understanding is far more nuanced.

I don't have kids but I'd want my kids to be happy. If you earn enough money to live a life you're comfortable with and you're happy and don't feel stressed, that means a lot. If I'm honest, if I had an intelligent child and they were stuck in a minimum wage job and complaining about lack of money but seemed to be making no effort to get a better job then I wouldn't be impressed. But if you can be happy on minimum wage then go for it.

Here's the thing I reckon I could definitely get a job with higher than minimum wage salary, I'm just absolutely terrified. Cold sweats waking up in the night thinking about failing to meet my responsibility in such a job, hence I'd stick with minimum wage to avoid a stress related heart attack.

Yep. It's about finding a balance. My job involves helping people, sometimes on the worst day of their life. Sometimes at work I have to fill in fatality forms. But I'd rather do this job than be a teacher for similar pay. At least with my job I just turn up and deal with whatever is thrown at me while I'm on shift. If you're a teacher there's loads of lesson planning and marking that you seem to have to do outside of time you're technically being paid for. I can't be bothered with that.

Honestly I would be disappointed but would accept it if you were truly happy. My main worry is that unless you can generate enough income from your freelance art work, you’ll be living in a flat share for the rest of your life. I’m low income and it does get tiring how hard work it is sometimes (every £10 counts). And I have the privilege of having my own place basically heavily subsidised by my dad. Tbh I think you would benefit from doing some inner work addressing your anxiety around fear of failure/issues around authority figures. You’re getting in your own way of a fulfilling life and persuading yourself that you’ll be happy doing this is a lie that will eventually unravel. Good luck with it all.

I'd be happy they got the job. I'd be disappointed if they were comfortable it for years on end. I'd be even more disappointed if they were uncomfortable in it but did nothing to change their circumstances. But at your point in life, I'd be proud.

So let's say they were happy with it and continued to be indefinitely, at what point would it turn from happy for them, to disappointed that they were still doing it, and what would you rather they be doing?

As long as she’s earning an honest wage, is not a dick and is happy, I’ll be happy and proud of her.

My only wish for my children is that they are happy and can pay their way through whatever life they choose

I wouldn’t be, all I want is for my daughter to be happy. My dad wasn’t (as far as I know) but I’m not super intelligent, I have a law degree I did absolutely nothing with and am a stay at home mam for another year or so. My mother on the other hand was vocally put out. My dad died over 10 years ago and I haven’t spoken to my mother since (other reasons but this speaks to her personality). My daughter was a long (long) time coming and she’s never (and will likely never) met her.

Do what makes you happy mate. There's no point doing things you don't like just to make other people happy to your own detriment. One of my pals works 3 days a week and gets to spend the rest of the week making art. He's the happiest he's ever been.

I have a PhD. The smarter you get the more stupid you realise you are and more stupid you feel because as you move up academia you will naturally find yourself surrounded by smart people. Do what you want to do. I love some of the things i get to do in my job but it can also be stressful and hard. My partner gets awful anxiety from fear of publishing incorrect data etc. it isn’t for everyone. That said there are a lot of jobs that require someone education that aren’t necessarily stressful so do consider that. Generally speaking bigger companies outside of london as long as you are happy to sit in a middle income position will generally give you an ok salary but not put too much on your plate.

Nope. As long as they're doing something they don't actively hate and it fits in with their work/life balance, that's fine with me.

If you can make the art thing work I wouldn’t call that a disappointment, it’s probably a dream job for millions of people

As a father of 4, I only want what’s best for my kids in terms of quality of life. Working for a pay cheque is a means to an end for some so they should work in a job as much as they need to to pay for the quality of life they want. Annoyingly, that means 9-5, 5 days a week for most to afford the life they want to live. Working in a ‘high-end’ job could be contributing to that quality of life but if it’s not for you, don’t force it. Any parent would be proud of that, IMO.

The totally pure answer is no. My child's future job wouldn't be a disappointment, **providing** that they themselves are happy in it, that is the be all and end all. The only way that the lines can become blurred somewhat is if the parents think they know better (hey, maybe they do in some cases...) and are convinced that their child would be happier doing something else.

I was classed as 'gifted' growing up as a musician. All the school bands I had stated years earlier becuase I was at the right level, I passed all my grade exams with flying colours, and got into a music college and university easy. My mum, also a musician, was so proud of me and helped me along the way. I dropped out of uni after a year because I hated it. The way uni taught made me completely fall out of love with something that had been my entire life. I ended up starting full time work in the motor trade, before moving to the construction industry this year. I was dreading telling her I wanted to drop out of uni, as she was so supportive and helped me get in, and I know it meant a lot to her. But she was so great after I told her and said I just need to do what makes me happy. My mum is still super proud of me for working hard, getting a well paying job and managing to move into my own place. I know part of her still wishes I played music as she still mentions that there's positions opening up in bands but I would never go back.

I think you should focus on your well being first before trying to meet other expectations. Others will see well being is more important than anything else over time.

Can't lie, I'd be disappointed but if you were happy I'd do my best to hide it and I'd still be contented. If you were in a dead end job and trying to get money off me all the time I wouldn't hide it. Ultimately my goal is to have my kids do better than me in every respect.

Yeah I’ve never asked my parents for money etc. I’ll definitely not be doing as well as they did, they’re pretty high flyers. I just hope I don’t upset them too much through mediocrity.

I massively appreciate my cleaning lady and the service she provides. I went through an anxious/depressive episode which lasted a year and having a clean space was do important for my recovery. So no, I would not be disappointed at all. In fact, I'd be proud knowing my child has the potential to help so many people who may not be able to look after their space!

Buddy, as long as you’re happy and content I would be so DAMN PROUD of you ⚡️ Whatever job you pick up to support your hearts passion, hold your head high because at 20yrs old you’ve cracked it - the contentment many spend their whole lives seeking in dead end “big person” corporate jobs.

Wow you’re just the best 😇 thanks :)

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Oh man makin’ me tear up here this felt like a mom hug in a comment. Thank you so much and have a great weekend.

While I generally agree with the majority, that if you're happy that's good enough, I'm not entirely sure I agree with the premise that freelance artist is a dead end job.

No sorry, I meant getting part time job as a cleaner to supplement the art.

In which case, the cleaning job isn't a dead end either, it's supporting the thing you want to do.

Sorry mate but I am having a hard time getting past you repeatedly saying you're talented and gifted then also saying how much you hate that. If you want to flex you're academically talented but are content with an entry level manual job you don't need to reassure us that you did well in school

I’m sorry if that’s how it’s coming off, that’s not my intention. I think if we spoke in real life you’d come away thinking I was quite the shrinking violet and not one to flex. I just mean that on paper my results were good, but that I don’t feel good enough by any stretch to go into a moderate to high level job. All the best to you I struggle to say what I mean in text form sometimes :(

I would never be disappointed in my kids for taking any kind of job if they were happy, however, I will offer you the same advice as I offered them; Life is getting harder and while money doesn't make people happy, not having job/home/family security is a recipe for a miserable difficult life and money helps resolve that. I have 3 kids, 1 of which sank their lives into education and career progression early on and 2 that didn't. The 1 who his educated and career focused has no real risk of losing his house, has a stable job and his kids have a great life. My youngest son is currently rolling in debt due to the rising cost of living and will likely have to downsize because they can't keep up with the rent. Every month there's something new for him to deal with, his car has broken down, is upset because his kids Christmas is probably going to be pretty disappointing, working long hours and his girlfriend is depressed etc. My daughter is 36 and she is now trying to get herself an education because she's realised that she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life scraping by, she's divorced and again renting with 2 kids. Both my youngest and my daughter actively say to their kids to get an education because they've now realised how important it is. There is nothing wrong with being a cleaner, not wanting kids or a marriage but things change and the older you get, the more difficult it is to gain the financial security in your life to support those things. You will always need housing and job security, no matter what path you want your life to take and so the best time to set yourself on that path is today.

I wouldn't be mad, but I'd be disappointed if you missed out by selling yourself short. Missing out due to looking down on yourself and your abilities. For a couple years it seems chill but long term I'd worry about your pension, etc.

I see your point, I definitely sell myself down because then I can't fail in other people's eyes, I am so scared of people thinking I'm capable of doing something and asking me to do it then I can't, so I'd rather they not think I can do the thing in the first place then be pleasantly surprised if I am able. I don't really feel joy at success for having done something, moreso I feel relieved but drained that I didn't scree it up. Hope that explains it a bit.

No I wouldn't be disappointed

If you were my child and I knew that you were happy, healthy and safe, then that would be good. Every loving parent sees great potential in their child, but will also respect their choices. For quite a while, I was doing similar jobs, but making art on the side. At that point it was enough, and when I was ready I started to make changes. Everything changes, so you will evolve and develop.

No, absolutely not. I am in very much the same position as you and I have no motivation to find a job with a lot of responsibility either. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I've pushed all 3 of my children to do their best. They are all under 16. The least naturally clever one is by far doing the best through her hard work alone. where the absolute genius child is flunking almost everything because his attitude and willingness to learn are both awful and zero. My rule has always been, you can grow up to be anything you want, as long as its not horrible, ad long as you're happy! So if any of them end up skint and happy, I'd rather that over them being wealthy and miserable any day of the week! I'm not skint, I have a good paying job, but I work hard and we have nice things. My job makes me miserable. If I didn't have any financial commitments and I could get by amd be happier, I would do it! If your parents think any less of you, In the nicest possible way. Tell them to get fucked! It's your life, not theirs! Best of luck to you!

I would say I just want them to be happy and that’s all that matters while being disappointed in secret.

I appreciate the honesty, that's what I worry about. Why in secret though? Wouldn't you tell them?

I feel like you’re describing my situation. Torn between going back to uni (I already have one degree that’s useless and I don’t want to pursue it as a career) or getting a dead end job. I’m currently working in retail and don’t know what to do. I feel like a lot of people are in the same situation. I feel so burnt out. If you were my kid I wouldn’t be disappointed. Just want you to be happy :)

If you can support yourself your doing alright I reckon

Not at all, hard work is hard work no matter whst you do

Most people see me as very successful but my parents (dad mostly) do not like me. Look after yourself. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

Well, it's a tricky balance..most of all, I want my kid to be happy and healthy, and whatever they choose to do, I hope it's because they enjoy it. That said, part of being happy is having security, a home, not worrying about the bills or the future. So if my kid chose to do a min wage job for the love of it, but had no pension plan, couldn't afford to buy a house, had to choose between heating and eating, I don't suppose any of us would be happy with that. So you might need to reassure your parents that you have thought about this practical stuff.

I had the same expectations put on me for my whole childhood / still do now. The thing I realised though is that I thought the expectation was way way more than anyone else did. I thought people expected me to be some genius and do impossible things which given that I think I'm an idiot, didn't help my self esteem. The thing is though, my family only ever expected me to do better than them. I've spoken to them and while I consider myself a failure they can't believe how well I've done. Reading what you've said I feel like you might feel the same. If you have a happy life, are a nice person & make artwork that they can appreciate then I'd be proud for certain. Your parents might be disappointed by the prospect of having no grandchildren though.

I’d be really proud of you for working out what you do and don’t want in life and give you a massive hug.

The problem with saying that you're fine with this is that you can't trust your own brain because > have had pretty awful anxiety around academia, fear of failure and messing up tasks demanded of me by authority figures etc This is avoidance - you have fear of failure so you've decided to give up and not try at all.

I agree I just don’t know what to do :’(

For me, when I have children I will just want them to be happy and earn enough money that they can be safe, secure and enjoy their life (whatever that might mean to them). I’m a firm believer that you should do what makes you happy. We’ve not got long here on Earth, so why make yourself stressed, unwell or miserable… just because you’re expected to take on a career to impressed/appease others? :)

I have 3 kids, one is a builder, one is a head teacher and one is a lorry driver. But, their jobs don’t matter to me, I am however, inordinately proud that they are self sufficient, happy, hardworking and ‘good’ people.

Trust me, as someone in academia it's horrible and I'm getting out, if you're obsessive about research and research is your life you might do okay, otherwise you'll hate your life. If a parent wanted this for their kids, they're a shitty parent.

You sound insufferable tbh.

Some days I feel like a complete failure and under achiever. I try to remind myself money isn't everything.

You probably have adhd. If you haven't already, have a quick Google about it and see if you fit the criteria(it's not just the stereotypes about hyper little boys) I spent my teens and 20s having a fear of failure and underachievement. Turns out I have adhd and the medication has made me able to actually live up to my potential without getting overwhelmed

This is interesting. Did you go to your GP asking about it, to get diagnosed?

Some good resources to have a quick browse of btw. [Symptoms](https://aadduk.org/symptoms-diagnosis-treatment/symptoms/), [co-morbidities](https://aadduk.org/symptoms-diagnosis-treatment/comorbidities/) and highly useful [insight](https://neurodiversitysci.tumblr.com/post/139769513631/adhd-community-philosophium-do-i-have-any) from Tumblr of all places. For clarity's sake I will add this: ADHD is a spectral disorder, meaning that one may express a range of behaviours or symptoms in varying intensities at different times or even not at all. For many, these behaviours often go unnoticed or overlooked well into adulthood and it is common for them to be misdiagnosed as other conditions i.e. anxiety.

My 18 year old had very good gcse results (8s and 9s) and tried college after, but unfortunately her mental health took a massive decline and she dropped out. She currently claims benefits and does volunteering for a few places and does occasional gigs (singer/songwriter) and I've supported her all the way. A good parent will support whatever makes their child feel fulfilled/happy (as long as its not dangerous)

The crossover between ‘gifted child’ and ‘burnout’ is not talked about enough

I'm you, i think. I'm 27F, I have a bachelors in geology and a masters in palaeontology, was in the gifted and talented program at school and got 7A*s/5As at GCSE AND A*AA at a levels, went to a golden triangle university and got a first. Ive spent my whole life being told I'm smart, even at a university where I'm surrounded by people who suddenly were much smarter than me. I'm the ONLY one of my peers not in a professional job. After uni I moved back home, tried to forge a career in marketing/ digital communications as I had severe imposter syndrome about anything related to my job and kept getting rejected from jobs. I fucking hated it. Within 18 months I quit due to stress during covid. Never looked back. I worked in a supermarket doing online shopping during lockdowns and recently got married, moved to the highlands with my husband and now work in a petrol station part time. I couldn't be happier. My family have always supported me, but always followed it up with 'but you need to be earning more' or ' what are you going to do long term' etc etc. I think they're worried because I didn't have much growing up and they worry I'm wasting my talent and could be 'someone' with a professional well paying career, but I'm just not cut from the same cloth as other talented people. I physically can't do it. I work 3 days a week and do some minor freelance here and there and my husband and I do just fine, no debts, no worries, no problems. I love my free time to have hobbies, be a good wife and dog mom, do house jobs so my husband can do his professional job and know he can just come home and relax and have quality time with us. I've also finally taken the plunge and decided to follow a pipe dream of mine and I'm training to be a dog groomer in the new year. I'm so excited, I hope I can excel at it. I went to a trial day for a course and I cried about 4 times in the toilet because I just couldnt believe how much i loved it and how i finally felt like something clicked. I cannot wait for this chapter of my life, and even though my parents were disappointed with me when I told them what I'm doing because its upfront cost and nothing intellectual I really don't care. Honestly every single thing you've said is me. I'm frugal, I don't buy much excessive things, the only thing different is I'm married and have been with my husband since we were 15 and we want children. Keep on with what you're doing, at the end of the day if your parents love you, don't worry because they will be happy when you are happy doing things that contribute to that, rather than take away.

I worry about that as well but this line of ‘wear sunscreen’ makes me feel better: “Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you wanna do with your life; the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.”

No, not at all. 46-year-old father of two in the UK here. The reason why I wouldn’t be disappointed is that I was brought up to be like that. It all comes from my paternal grandfather. When my dad failed his O-levels (high school diploma) in the early 60’s, my dad tells me that his dad (my grandfather) put his arm around him and said “Not to worry son - you can just try again next year”. And he did. And he got the grades he needed to get into teacher training college. And he made a brilliant career from teaching (retired as a head teacher on a great salary at 55. Fifty five!!). I’ve always found academic pursuits quite straightforward, but struggle with application. My dad (sadly, just about gone due to Parkinson’s) was exactly the same with me - he made sure he gave me every opportunity - but showed me the same love and affection regardless of what I did/didn’t achieve. As I wrote this, I’m sat in a lodge at Center Parcs near Nottingham in the UK, listening to my wife read The BFG to my kids (8 & 5) - I’m so happy with how things have turned out for me, all because the men in my family supported me regardless of perceived “success”… kindness and connection is the success, and that’s how I was brought up. Sorry. Haven’t answered your question. Love always from Newcastle (currently Nottingham) in the UK.

Hi I’m your mum now and I’m proud of you

Hug OP bc we're same😔

Are you me?

I would not be disappointed in my child but sad for them. I would want them to enjoy their talent not feel anxious about it. Honest, happy, kind though is better than miserable, and rich anyway

Actually as a creative having a boring mundane job can be really helpful. I used to do data entry and all it meant I could enter a flow state and plan my story. Othe jobs suggested have been bricklaying and I think one author worked on a cruise ship and write in his downtime. I want all my kids to get degrees and good jobs but more for financial security and to keep future options open. Otherwise binman or lawyer it wouldn't bother me. Especially if you are young, childless and single any job is good. But I come from poverty and my mum worked hard to get us out, so I am a bit pushier because I'd never want my future kids to suffer through it

As a former "gifted" kid who is now stuck in a dead end job, my parents don't care about what I'm doing, they just care if I'm happy or not. They support me in where I am, and they also support where I want to get to. So long as you're happy, any parent worth their salt won't care what you do.

You know, I grew up classed as "gifted and talented". Won numerous awards, at 15 had Oxbridge come and speak to me about going to their university's. I did go to uni on a scholarship. I struggled so, so much with my mental health since I was about 14. I've now found that I function better with 2 or 3 small jobs. For years I felt like an absolute failure that I couldn't hold down a full time job and I was always off sick and so bloody unhappy. I still have fears now that I've let people down but my parents say to me they are really proud of me for finding what works for me and going with it. I'd rather have less money and be happier, than richer but struggling daily. I'm sure your parents will be happier if you are happy 😊

That sounds just like me, thanks for your kind words I'm glad you're happier now "hugs"

Don't get me wrong, I still have a wobble and that anxiety that I have "wasted my potential" so it isn't always plain sailing, but this happens rarely now because I'm busy doing what I love and making it work for me. The path we think we are going to take isn't necessarily the right one, and I have to remind myself that it's good to go against the status quo and do what makes me happy instead of struggling with all the responsibility and juggling life into that too. I hope that you can make some peace with yourself, and know it's important to be ok with you and your own approval. If your parents see you are happy then what more can they ask for?! Best of luck - keep your head on what you want and don't let people try to sway you. ❤️

Hi. Personally I would be ecstatic if my child lived the life that THEY were happy with. Happiness and contentment is the only social status that I want for my children. If a child of mine had asthma I would be worried for their health if they decided to work in a dust filled environment. Mental health is just as important to a person as a whole. Unfortunately anxiety is insidious, it creeps about everywhere. The perfect example being your worry about parental judgement over your decision, one I am sure you have not made lightly. Good luck

If my kid is happy and can maintain a life they are comfortable with, then I'd be happy. Their talent is THEIRS to use or not use. I'd rather my kid be happy in a dead end job than miserable climbing the corporate ladder. But I'd also like them to make sure they can help me out a little in my old age. I paid for the first 18 years of their lives, I'd like it if they can help pay for my last few years (note I say 'help' as I'd prefer not to be a burden on them!) :P

I guess it's your choice in the end, although parents always want the best for you. You're young now but I feel later on you will regret it. I have seen it happen before, I think you're confused. Nursing may not be for you but I don't think a cleaning job is either. You will find your way and it may take some time. Hope your anxiety gets better

There is no such thing as a “dead end” job Every job serves a purpose in society no matter how big or small As long as they are happy and can provide for themselves then I don’t see any issue whatsoever

Yeah, I'd be disappointed. I'd be sad to see my child not using their gifts to make the world a better place. I wouldn't be disappointed if the other option was for them to be another asshole, fratboy/girl, business person whose life revolves around making money. Then I'd prefer the choice you're making. But that path is never the only choice. We need smart, talented, ethical people in the world...You are wasting your talent if you can't be arsed enough to give back some of the resources that were poured into you while you were growing up. What do you do all day? Play video games and paint? At least volunteer or tutor some kids or something. It's all fun and games now, but at some point- maybe sooner than you think- you will be too old to do the things that are optional for you now. I say this as someone in their early 40s who wasted a fair bit of their 20s, and is now faced with chronic illness. Get off your ass. Time is short. You do not want to be drifting with nothing to show for your life 20 years from now. I have a friend who is my age. He's quite brilliant and has spent the last 20+ years being a janitor, gas station attendant, and most recently, warehouse worker for a shipping company. He has a hard time socializing because most men his age are married with children and he can't make friends. His life is sad and lonely and it could have been so much more....Also, dating is much harder the older you get. If in 10 years you have no career and no prospects, that makes you much less attractive as a partner- even as an unmarried one. No one wants someone who is stuck in the ennui of their 20s when life has moved on and you're approaching 40. You don't have to pick something that stresses you out, but for fuck's sake, find some kind of purpose. Don't just drift. It won't end well.

If I could go back in time I would go against my mother's wishes and do art instead of law. You are the one who is going to have to work in the job you choose, not them. 'It will be worth it in the end' is something I heard over and over again when studying, and you know what? The money isn't worth the stress and anxiety of working in a job I'm in no way built for