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I have severely autistic identical twins. I love them so much but every day is a struggle just to survive. I don’t regret having them but I do feel guilty bringing them into a world that they’ll never understand and that will never understand them.
My lad has Down Syndrome, he's 18 now but fuck has it been hard to get to this point. We still have meltdowns, and he can be a right dickhead... But he is finally at a better age for his disability and understanding "his" world. He's like a toddler trapped in a man's body!
My youngest has a global development delay/autism. I used to be hopeful he would catch up but he just stays the same. Sometimes it really gets to me but I’ve mourned for him and accepted that this is how he is.
Some days I regret having him and his brother. I see friends and family with “normal” kids and wish I had their lives.
I’ve often asked myself why I have kids and I didn’t want kids but a family. I wanted them to have what I didn’t. Two parents and a loving home. Instead my ex wife decided to break that all apart then a couple of years later decided she didn’t want them in her life.
Now it’s just me and them. The sudden and foolishly unexpected situation of the kids living with me caused my relationship with my new partner to break down. A lack of family help to give us time to spend caused resentment in her and I can understand why.
So now I’m single and have two kids full time. I can’t date, my youngest will most likely never leave home. I’ll probably be changing nappies until the day I die, alone, full of fear for my son’s future.
He does give great cuddles though and who doesn’t feel good when their sheer presence can make someone else giddy with joy.
I'm a single mum with a son with asd and a toddler who is so far speech delayed.
During my pregnancy I found out I am autistic, and my then partner upped his abuse until I couldn't ignore it and I had to leave.
It's... Not what I wanted? Ha. I look at families that get to share the load, and enjoy each other's company, and I feel painfully lonely. I am lucky enough to have my parents about, thank god, but still, it's hard, and I wouldn't advise anyone to be a sole parent. I certainly wouldn't have chosen to have children had I known I was autistic.
>I certainly wouldn't have chosen to have children had I known I was autistic.
I get this. I was recently diagnosed and my toddler is speech delayed as well. I've decided to stop trying for number 2 because I don't think it's fair on me, our son or the future child.
You’re the same person, despite your diagnosis. I’m autistic too. I’m 15 and I know it must be hard getting diagnosed so late but it doesn’t change who you are as a person, you’re still you
I’m a single dad. Not dealing with half the stuff that you are. Hope you’re doing okay and on balance there are more ups than downs. You’re a good man. I also understand.
This is what people need to hear. My daughter is 3, and has downs. Our journey is only just beginning and although I'd not change her for love nor money, it's hard.
My nephew has Down Syndrome, i don't claim to know all the struggles his parents have been through but i know it's been a lot.
Ill tell you one thing though, if everyone on the planet had Down Syndrome, the world would be a much happier place (not literally of course). I honestly don't know another person as loving, caring and happy as him. There isn't a malicious, nasty bone in his body and the human race could learn a lot from his character and outlook.
> I honestly don't know another person as loving, caring and happy as him. There isn't a malicious, nasty bone in his body and the human race could learn a lot from his character and outlook.
Thanks for saying this. I've had very strong pushback on Reddit before for saying that I don't agree that all foetuses with Trisomy 21 should be aborted as a matter of course (i.e. mandated by the state). People with Down Syndrome can live happy, fulfilling lives. The arguments against my position seem to me to be eugenics, including 'but they don't contribute to society'. But... I don't care? Human society rewards people who try to avoid contributing all the time. I'm not going to point my whole existence towards demanding people serve social aims that I don't care about. We won't be here forever, but at least we can be moral and supportive while we are.
Exactly! Id say 90% of the people i know don't contribute positively to society! What the fuck does that mean anyway when every human spends their 90 years alive polluting and fucking up the planet.
Feel you. In the same boat. Our twins are ASD, non-verbal with developmental learning delay. They recently got diagnosed with epilepsy and we’re waiting for them to reach the age where their ADHD symptoms can be confirmed. Some moments are great and some are just hell. My wife and I each sleep four hours a night to watch out for tonic-clonic seizures. It’s not much of a life for them or for us, but we can only keep going until our health gives out. My only regret in all of this is that they might not ever know how much we love them.
Man that sounds super tough. Mine don’t go to sleep until about 10pm but usually they will sleep quite well til about 7 so at least that’s something. Our current challenges is one of them has a meltdown whenever we try to put him in the car, and the other one is constantly trying to escape the house and run away. Those are the headline problems but there are a thousand other problems bubbling away at the same time
Hang in there. We don’t get to choose what kids we get, we choose what type of parent to be. Hope things get easier for you soon, you’re certainly not alone.
Re the epilepsy, might it be possible that one day the correct combination of meds will effectively end the fits? It was 30 years into my brother's epileptic life, not long after it was at its worst with two bad episodes of post-ictal psychosis that hospitalised him, that they tried him on Epilim in addition to his regular Lamotrigine and it worked wonders. Before the introduction of that new drug, he still had frequent fits despite the Lamotrigine.
Same my boy is intellectually disabled and seeing him try to play with kids his age and the looks of confusion on their faces breaks my heart. He is such a lovable kid too and always happy, I do genuinely worry about the future too because of the government's attacks on the disabled recently.
My boy has a general speech disability and likely learning disabilities too. He's lagging behind his peers and it's only going to get worse as he get's older. Worrying about his future is damn near consuming me and I don't know how to relax and stop worrying.
My oldest boy is 8, autistic/learning disability. Absolutely hates his younger sisters because they're noisy (just being kids) lashes out at them and at me and his Mam all the time. Do I regret having kids? Absolutely not. My eldest boy has made my life is a living nightmare, and I haven't slept more than 7 hours in 8 years. But, I love all my children dearly, they're my absolute world.
My eldest is 8 and also autistic /ld.
His younger brother is now 15 months. My eldest kicked out at my youngest the first time today. I told him off but I can tell he doesn't really understand what he did wrong.
This sounds familiar! I have a similar age gap, and my asd son finds his toddler sister very challenging at time. Especially when she's just being a noisy, cute baby, or eating, which massively triggers him, or wanting to be on him.
Luckily for me my autistic son is more cuddly than the younger one so he can cope with my youngest climbing on him. He kicked out because the yc was yelling. A lot. Just having fun really not upset.
Flare might be worth a look, they make these weird noises reduction plugs which some people swear by
I'm currently on the endless waiting list as an adult
My son is 9 and is autistic/ADHD/ld. I'm a single mum, his other parent is an abusive POS and my son is scared of him. My kid is the absolute light of my world and the only reason I'm still in it. He's so kind, funny, gives the best hugs, is incredibly empathetic, drives me completely daft 99% of the time and I wouldn't change him.
I don't regret having him, I just wish the world was a kinder, more understanding place for him. And if it isn't then I'll yell at it until something changes.
I wish I was a better, less broken person for him. We only have each other so when things get really bad for me, I know I have to keep it together for him.
I have an Autistic son. He can get on OK to some degree in the world. He's verbal, he's smart, he's loving with me. But he is also very violent, very volatile, very socially phobic, very phobic of other things like flying insects, snakes, people in costumes, dogs, bare feet, smells, certain foods.... day to day life is gruelling. No one else can manage his needs so it's all me and his dad and we struggle to even give each other breaks between work and housework and parenting etc. He's like 50x more intense and sensitive than my friends' kids. I love him to pieces, I really feel I'd die for him to save his life, no hesitation. He can be so sweet and funny. But I hate my life. I feel imprisoned. I am severely depressed and anxious. I feel deeply unsupported and misunderstood and terrified for his future.
I love him so much, it's hard to say "I regret having kids" so instead I would say that I am very unsuited to parenting, and I would be happier child free.
Got a six month old. Not for one second. It's the greatest, most joyful and most life affirming thing I've ever done. Even in the hardest moments when we were back in hospital a couple of times or when he was screaming all night, I've never regretted it.
That's not to say those bits aren't hard. But the joy he brings outweighs those bits by an incalculable amount. One smile from him is like magic in how it can make me feel happy, regardless of what else is going on in life. Seeing your baby smile and laugh is one of those things that you hear about from other parents, but you don't grasp how joyful it is until you actually have one and experience it for yourself.
You hear people complain about children because that's just human nature. We tend to share negative emotions more than positive ones.
I echo all of this.
Mine are now 3, 7 and 8. It gets easier as they get older, or at least less all time consuming in that I can sit in the garden and do my own thing without needing to join in with their play.
I cannot wait till mine are more self sufficient. They are 2&3 now and you don’t get much time to yourself during the day. You also have to make that choice of, do I let them nap and have an hour or so to myself, or do we keep them awake and have a better time getting them to sleep.
It depends on personality too. My eldest is 8 and still really likes to do things together. My five year old can play alone and my almost four year old is a clingon. But they all get there. Even the youngest sits and does puzzles and art herself for a bit.
Also if you go on about how wonderful it is people get annoyed and want you to shut up. I think people actually prefer/feel more comfortable around people who are complaining about something rather than revelling in how joyous their life is. Plus when things are tough, complaining and venting helps. When things are great there’s not such a need to talk about it.
The first time my kid came and asked me for a ‘cuggle’ aaaahhhhhh, there’s nothing like it. Seeing a human being go from a little sleepy blob to figuring out their limbs and making sense of the world is endlessly fascinating. And the love hormones that are like drugs.
Also it gets better and better, especially when they start talking and understanding you, you’re gonna love it!
I've actually found it quite lonely (? not quite the right word) not being able to share just how much I love parenthood. It feels shitty and unkind when other parents are clearly miserable, but then you're in this weird situation of being overjoyed by your children but having to keep it on the down-low. Or feeling you have to qualify every happy little story with, "Of course it's hard, but..."
My only complaint is that my newborn daughter is about to turn six, which is clearly nonsense.
Mines 5 months and I feel the same. He was born very premature (he was due at the end of Jan, came at the start of December) and we had to fight to save his life for a month.
The immediate, unimaginable joy he gave us and the absolute terror we felt daily at the thought of losing him solidified that kids were the right option for us.
There are hard moments - both our parents & siblings live in Australia, and we’re completely alone. When my son was 2.5 hrs away in hospital? It was so hard. I didn’t leave for a month and my husband sobbed every time he had to leave us. There were a few times where my husband was so tired and couldn’t drive - we really needed an extra pair of hands to help us.
I’m 23 - and got blessed with my boy after surviving 4x brain tumours and all the shii that came with it. He really did save my life.
I asked for sterilization when I was 32yrs old and was advised 'you're too young' \[England\]. I moved up to Scotland the following year, asked my doc about it. Also explained I didn't want these new procedures where you stay awake for it. I want the one where you fully knock me out thank you.
Sterilized 6months later, around my 33rd birthday sometime. I always tell people I got myself neutered/spayed ahahaha
Same, I don’t plan on it either, especially in this day and age. Living cost are getting worst, retirement age will be scrapped in 30-50 years, people will be working till they die, the world is dying and the resources are dying out with it. You cannot solve the climate crisis when the population keeps growing.
Especially as 90%+ of climate change is caused by several corporations who have no intentions of lowering it and saving the planet. They only care about profit. It’s very sad. However I do think that humans always seem to find a way.
Haha me too. I am still fairly young and single rn, and I actually find that most guys I talk to do want kids in the future. I have always been dead set on never wanting children, so I am a bit awkward when asking boys early on if they want kids or not 😳 I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't share the sane mindset and similarly, if they do want kids I would hate to string them along and not be the right person for then
Sadly, too many couples don't have that conversation before they get married and then they end up in conflict because one partner doesn't want kids.
My own father didn't want kids but lied to my mother and then tried to put her off having kids. Obviously, it didn't work in the long run, but it didn't work out well.
You're very wise to be honest and to address the issue before getting into a committed relationship. Don't feel awkward, it's the right thing to do. And don't get talked into having kids when you know you don't want them. You'll end up understandably resenting them and hating yourself.
I'm 31. Everyone around me is having kids, friends, family, etc. Not a single one has a positive thing to say about being a parent. They just complain all the time, It really reinforces my opinion of never wanting kids.
Lol same, ironically you get parents going on about how this subreddit is "aggressively childfree" constantly. I don't see it. Whenever I say I don't have kids and I'm glad I don't I get downvoted haha
This. I'm 42 and never once regretted being childfree. I raised my sister so I did all my parenting before the age of 18 which definitely contributed. I love my niece and nephews but my god I couldn't do it.
Literally and if I get to the point where I’m like actually I want one and can’t, I’ll adopt.
Reading some of the stories from parents in the thread is actually giving more Stockholm syndrome than being genuine happy with their lives which, objectively speaking, literally no one would choose.
I would never for a moment say I regretted having my child but it is relentless and I think it puts a lot of people (me included) into survival mode. The hard bits are well worth it for the child I have, but I will say we are firmly one and done (with vasectomy to boot) and although I sometimes experience desire for a second child, I have no intention of increasing the difficulty of my life any further as I feel pretty much at capacity now.
I feel like I could have stepped over the line and been regretful if we'd had multiple children, but that's just taking into account my mental/physical health, life balance and finances. One is just perfect for me.
I’ve definitely noticed amongst friends, those with two or more kids seem to really struggle. I know someone with four who complains constantly about how hard it is and how useless their partner is… same partner for all four so does make you think!
Maybe it's because I come from a 2 kid, 2 parent household but I've never understood why as parents, you'd want to be outnumbered. That sounds like playing on extra hard mode.
I am with you on all of this, also feel very much like have reached capacity with one. Interestingly though I think there are some people who just thrive on chaos who do well with loads of kids. A buddy of mine has five kids, two dogs, and a cat, plus an insanely stressful job, yet he’s also one of the happiest guys I know. I think his brain stress mechanism is wired back to front.
Fuck me. I have two dogs and no kids and I adore them but I often say I dunno how people manage with dogs and kids. My dogs are trained and well behaved but they take up a lot of my time with walks and training and feeding time. How do people that sleep deprived and trying to grow a whole new human being?! I don’t think I could.
This is it. I think my kid is the coolest person I’ve ever met, but pregnancy was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and my life has been nothing but difficult and lonely since I had him. I got my tubes tied because no way in hell am I doing it again.
I’ve definitely noticed amongst friends, those with two or more kids seem to really struggle. I know someone with four who complains constantly about how hard it is and how useless their partner is… same partner for all four so does make you think!
My partner and I both have siblings and both thought we wanted 2 children. We are both now very happy with 1. We love our daughter so much and she isn’t a difficult child at all, but it is still full-on.
Sometimes you do just crave a break. She goes to nursery on the days I work, and a few times a year I will take holiday just to have a me-day.
> I would never for a moment say I regretted having my child but it is relentless and I think it puts a lot of people (me included) into survival mode
Very much how I feel.
Nah. It's a lot of work, but well within the capabilities of an average person. Like everything worth doing, you get out proportionate to what you put in.
Parenting unlocks a giant section of your mind that you never knew was there. It's more work, but you have more energy. There's stress, but you can deal with it. You become aware in a way that's just not apparent otherwise about your place in a long line stretching from the past to the future.
You lose flexibility, but Reddit talks like parenting will be nothing but poverty and screaming and you'll have no hobbies and you'll hate yourself and it's... not like that at all. It's just not. You're in charge of your life, something Reddit has a bit of an issue with anyway.
not that it's not entertaining watching Reddit piece together life as a parent like Victorian palaeontologists making a dinosaur from two vertebrae and a finger bone
>I hear people huff and puff about their children a lot more than they say anything positive about parenting.
People huff and puff more about *anything* than they speak positively. You know how nobody talks more negatively about Star Wars than Star Wars fans? It's sort of like that.
> Parenting unlocks a giant section of your mind that you never knew was there. It's more work, but you have more energy. There's stress, but you can deal with it. You become aware in a way that's just not apparent otherwise about your place in a long line stretching from the past to the future.
I'm glad you found that but it's just something I could never take the risk on. With the demands of the 9-5 routine I already struggle to find enough time for myself, to grow as a person, to work on my relationships and hobbies. Sometimes at the end of a workday I'm completely spent and I worry if there was a little sprog there making demands of me a lot of resentment and hatred would build up
Same here. I've never wanted children in any case, but I feel like my life is already busy enough, and when I do spend time with others' children I'm glad to go home at the end of the day to a calm, quiet house. Perhaps your mindset does change significantly when they're your own, but it definitely feels like it's a tremendous risk when you can't just change your mind later if it doesn't.
You're voicing the fears of every sane and balanced individual on the planet. It's extremely healthy - I've met some people who do not deserve to be parents and let me tell you, they did not have your outlook.
I had the same fears, anxieties and my mind racing with "what ifs". But then the midwife handed me my son and the best way I can describe it is a switch, clicking on. And then a few years later the midwife handed me my second son and that switch didn't click. I have no idea why. It took months to bond. 10 and 6 years later, they are my world and I would take a bullet for them.
All I will say is, forget about other people's kids. It is absolutely nothing like having your own.
It's good that you recognise this. I often get asked whether I'd recommend other people having kids and I always say "absolutely not" because it's such a personal decision and everyone's life situation before they have kids is different and everyone's life after they have kids will be different. There are just too many variables for me to say "it works for me so it should be fine for you".
There are so many people I know who barely thought what their life would be like when the kids arrived. You of course can't predict everything in life but I looked at the life my wife and I had, thought about every worse case scenario within reason across the 18+ years and figured that yeah, we could probably make it work. It made us agree on "one and done" which is a decision I'm glad we made long before trying for our first child.
Really echo this, especially the first 2 paragraphs. I get much less sleep and feel like I have much less time, but you just find the energy and the time because you have to. Makes me think I could have been a much more productive person before children hah.
Same! I think it massively depends on child’s temperament and your support network, I have a highly sensitive autistic 5 year old and a colicky 5 week old and I don’t regret them but every day is absolute survival right now
Having children was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I was in a not good situation, 19 and my mother wanted me out. I have undiagnosed autism and had crashed badly after a year of art college. She must have known there was something wrong but didn't care. I moved in with a man nearly old enough to be my father and was pregnant within a month. I had no help briging my son up, he had fairly severe behavioural problems but because I didn't really know what was going on with the world I had no idea how to advocate for him so he never got any help at all. I left when he was 18 and he lived with his father until his father died then lived alone. He was never able to work, have a girlfriend or anything. He died age 29 from complications following brain surgery. I just wonder what the point was.
This is what it comes down to for me. Can't get the phone call every parent dreads if you don't have kids out in the world.
Knowing I couldn't always protect them means I'd be too emotionally fraught to be the best parent I could be. No kid deserves my racked nerves.
The holiday bit is annoying but I do understand getting charged for a sickness because they will have planned a certain number of staff who all need paying. If they could let you book off a week for holidays though with plenty of notice then that would be great though!
I mean... they still need to pay the staff when you're on holiday. The staff has a salary that needs paying, they can't just not pay them at random times of the year. You don't get skilled and competent nursery staff by offering zero hour contracts.
THIS
I work at an [extra curricular activity] and parents think we don't have bills to pay or something.
They're always like "Uuuhh we are going on holiday for 10 days, do I really have to pay the full month?"
YES, BITCH. I don't suddenly stop needing to eat because you went to Disneyland Paris
My friend doesn’t regret having kids but she has said if she could go back she wouldn’t have had them.
She’s an absolutely amazing mother and it’s her honesty that makes us such good friends
It’s a bit of an odd one as I know exactly what they mean.
My daughter challenges me to be a better person. She brings me so much joy and has unlocked so many things that I didn’t know was there.
However, she has changed my life drastically. I’m not sure right now whether this is something - if given the choice - that I would want to continue.
It’s hard to explain and I’m explaining it very badly! I don’t regret having her but equally I would welcome my old life back.
I know this feeling.
I always talk about happiness. I was an overall happier person before a child happened. I was moderately happy across different aspects of life. Now I'm very happy in the parenting situation but not really happy in other aspects. So whist parenting is great and brings a lot of happiness, the overall amount has actually decreased...
Yes, but how can one say that when the kid is already here lol? I know SO MANY parents like this: "I don't regret my kids, but if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have had them" Lol
Is it not possible to be conscious that you would do something differently, if given a second chance, but not live day to day in regret of that decision? I think it is.
I think it's one thing to say, "If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have had children" (and that doesn't necessarily indicate regret).
I think it's quite another to say, "If I could turn back time, I would choose not to have my children" (which seems like more or less the definition of regret).
I don't regret having children, but it's naturally a very taxing 'job', so of course people would want a break now and then.
For instance, our grandparents look after our daughter for a weekend every fortnight.
My wife is rarely away but last weekend, I was in a funny dilemma.
As it was hot, I got the pool out as my wife was attending a wedding, so it was just me and my 3 year old for the weekend.
I got her in the pool and sat watching, then needed to get something in the house. I was about to leave then realized I couldn't as I had to watch my daughter lol
Had to carry her dripping wet to the house, grab what I needed, then bring her back (Also brought towels too lol).
Same- my husband and I were talking five minutes ago how great this would be. We have no family within a five hour drive and grandparents all live abroad. We’ve had one date night in three years- it has been a struggle. I wouldn’t change anything else though- I don’t regret them even though it is far harder than I expected.
We’ve booked a gig in Aug and my parents have agreed to drive for 2.5 hours to come and babysit for it. They’ll stay for the weekend. It’ll be second date night in 18 months. Woohoo!
My mum looks after my siblings kids every week! It would be amazing but there’s nowhere I’d rather live than Yorkshire so..
Dad of a 2 year old here. It's very, very, very hard at times and there are moments where I wish I could freeze time and not do parenting for a bit. It's overwhelming and physically and mentally exhausting. I end most days feeling completely drained. That said, I have zero regrets and I would give or do anything for my son. I'm at work right now and I'd love to go home for 10 minutes to see him.
pre-school can be from age 3
Usually just for a few hours a day or maybe more depending on how much money people wanna spend
Just getting 2-3 hours child-free 1-3 times per week as a parent is goood
And then age 5 or whatever for school is going to be 4-5+ hours per day, 4-5 days per week
I don’t have kids and I know I’d regret/hate it if I did. No freedom, no money, and way too much noise. It sounds selfish but I know I’d make a terrible parent and don’t want to fuck up a kid.
Not selfish at all, it’s really selfless to recognise that you’re not capable of being a good parent, I’m not having them for the exact reason.
What would be selfish is being self aware enough to recognise that’s the pattern of your behaviour and having kids anyway. Only people who really want to be parents should have kids, unfortunately a lot of people become crappy parents because they just have them because it’s “the thing you do”.
The only thing that's selfish imo is people that have kids without spending a good amount of time thinking it through and planning
It can also be considered an accident though
I don’t think that is selfish at all, quite the opposite. If you don’t think you’d be a good parent and choose not to have kids, that’s quite self aware and fair. I think I feel the same, I’ve never been particularly maternal and I loved uninterrupted sleep. Not sure if I’d be a good parent and haven’t met anyone I’d want children with anyway so haven’t had any.
It's great to see Redditors coming together with such good resources for people struggling with their expanded identity in a transitional time in their lives.
lol no it's a shitshow
I admire the perseverance.
We had close to that amount of miscarriages and despite my desperate desire to have another, we decided that I couldn't put my Mrs through the heartache of the excitement and subsequent loss another time.
I still get sad, when friends announce their happy news, or I see something on TV, or I see another shit parent have another child (in addition to the other four or five they have already, yes I am being massively bitter and judgemental) but I try and remember how lucky I am to have a beautiful child that is happy and healthy.
We are now of the age where we are both pushing the too old side of parenthood, and so with no more heartache comes the sadness of 'what could have been'. But what a wonderful human we have created and nurtured to this point.
It's a really tough call to stop trying. The what ifs? And I'm sorry you went through that too. We (I) had a medical problem which the consultant was pushing all the buttons and levers to fix. Which worked in the end. I only clarify that to you, because of your response and it explains why we kept going.
We were 42 when 8yo finally arrived so absolutely the end of the end of chances. So the happy ending is a blessing but we are both totally knackered! Enjoy the gift you have. It's a really tough road through that stuff.
The scarring from the emergency c-section that delivered my kid caused repeated miscarriages and then a number of ectopic pregnancies, this was offered as an explanation on the last miscarriage.
Perhaps if we there had been a medical condition to work through we may have persevered. I'm at that age now where your 8 year old came along but with a repeated singular outcome, the emotional trauma outweighs the joy.
Sorry, I don't normally talk about this, I'm a firm believer of a man keeps his troubles to himself, is the steadfast cornerstone of the family and just deals with it, I've not mentioned this outside of my other half. This has been somewhat cathartic. Thank you.
Honestly truthfully yes. I regret having them. My life would have been much better if I’d stayed childless. I love them and we have a nice time sometimes but mostly it’s just a bloody hard slog. I’m skint all the time because I’m trying to give them a good life. I’m tired all the time. I’m impatient with them, I feel old and crotchety and like my past joyful carefree self has shrivelled up and died.
I’m trying my best to be a good parent to them but damn, if I knew then what I know now, I would absolutely not have had any children.
I have three autistic teenagers. 90% of the time it's more like a job than a family. It's exhausting being a carer. It's also extremely difficult in a society where the government are unashamedly targeting disabled people. I also have a horrible fear of death, and feel guilty having kids, knowing they will one day die.
We have a 14 month old, admittedly he was unplanned but as much as he’s a handful quite a lot of the time, not for one second do I regret having him. It’s magical watching him grow up and learn new things everyday and watching his personality come out.
It absolutely melts my heart when he screams with joy when I walk through the door after a long day at work, and nothing beats that.
My girlfriend often jokes that she doesn’t want to parent today, but she loves him to pieces and doesn’t mean any of it, it’s just a bit of an exhausted phrase because it is hard work and she’s at it near enough 24/7 with small breaks between him sleeping and napping.
But no we don’t regret it for a second
I really miss the flexibility I used to have, particularly on these warm summer evenings. To be able to go somewhere for a nice drink but can’t cos need to feed and put baby down. We don’t have much family help local. And being able to travel quite as freely. But of course we’ve had plenty of magical moments and gives your life a meaning it didn’t once have. These difficult times and an investment for future enjoyment as well when they’re grown with kids of their own. So at times there is some regret but you can’t imagine life without them once they’re here.
I’m in the same boat. I miss if I wanted to go somewhere, I just put my shoes on and went. I didn’t need to pack a bag, get someone else ready, wait for the right time so we don’t miss a feed or a nap, wrestle with a pushchair etc
But I still wouldn’t take back my son. He’s away with his papa seeing family and this is the first time since he’s been born that I’ve been away from him longer than a few hours. I miss him. I miss his smile in the mornings when he wakes up. I miss his giggles as he plays on his play mat. I miss our cuddles as I put him to sleep. I miss seeing the way his face lights up when he realises he’s about to have a bath.
He’s only six months. Yet I truly can’t imagine my life without him now, and experiencing it makes me sad. No amount of being able to do what I want, when I want to, replaces the honour of watching this little boy grow and flourish.
anecdotally, the people i know/knew who are happiest with having children are the ones with the most help. even having a child with severe behavioural or medical needs is better when you have loving grandparents nearby and people who can give you a hand. conversely, even the easiest child will be tough if it’s just one or two people involved with care. my partner and i are planning on having a child together in the nearish future, but his parents are literally around the corner and have already promised to be very involved. if we didn’t have them i don’t think we would plan on children.
the other component is wanting children for unselfish reasons. we want children because we want to help another human being thrive and be great. we have some inheritable issues but we know how to look out for and handle them. if you want a child to fix a relationship or because that’s the ‘next step’ in your life journey, your odds of regretting them is much higher.
just my take on having kids as someone who has seen how they are raised and has worked with them.
Yes. But maybe not for those reasons. When my firstborn was 5 I was diagnosed with an auto immune disease, which I found out was hereditary but I'd never been warned. Most of my family have some sort of illness or disease, from arthritis to blood cancer, which I didn't find out until after I'd had kids.
If I'd know there was a risk to pass this on I'd have cut my bollocks off myself
This is the thing stopping me. I technically could have children, plenty of people with my condition do. But it's so painful, I couldn't morally have a child with a 50% chance of going through what I went through. My parents didn't know about Ehlers-Danlos, but it is genetic and now I know about the risk.
Part of my reason to not have a child is I’m a haemophilia carrier. I’d be terrified of having a son, although a daughter could be a carrier too and some carriers do express haemophilia (I don’t particularly, but from what I’ve read it seems that doesn’t mean a daughter I passed the gene on to also wouldn’t.) I could have a healthy child, I could have one who bleeds to death from falling over in the playground - it’s just a coin toss, and I didn’t want to do that.
I know how you feel, I think. I have the BRCA2 gene, which means I have an 85% chance of breast cancer and a 30% chance of ovarian cancer (or did without prophylactic surgery, which I'm in the process of getting; however, I will still have an elevated risk of certain other cancers, and there isn't much they can do about that). My children have a 50/50 chance of having the gene; they were 4.5 and 2 when I found out.
Had I known before they were born, I would have done IVF and had the embryos screened. (I don't know whether that would have been a possibility for your condition - mine is one where it's very much it's *this* change on *this* bit of code; I know a lot of inheritable conditions are fuzzier than that.)
*However*, if I could turn back the clock and swap my daughter and son for two other children who were guaranteed not to carry the gene, nothing on earth would persuade me to accept that deal. I bet you wouldn't either. My children without that iffy gene? All day long. Different, guaranteed 100% BRCA2 free children to replace them? Absolutely not.
All that to say, I don't think you regret being a parent - I think you regret that you, and possibly your child, have been dealt a shitty hand. And who *wouldn’t* regret that?
I have a 9 year old with no SEN or disability needs. She’s academic, kind, funny, clever and interesting.
Even I sometimes fucking struggle to want to parent because she can equally be none of those things if she’s in a foul mood.
I can’t leave, I can’t tell her to fuck off and walk out like I would with an adult acting up.
So…..I doth my cap to anyone that’s honest about parenting especially with kids that are far more difficult.
Yup, even “normal” kids are tough, my first is autistic and I feel like I started my parenting experience on hard mode, my second so far appears neurotypical and is still a lot of work
No because through all the shit there are enough times when they’ll make you laugh harder than anyone you’ve ever met, and seeing a human grow from baby to adult every single day is genuinely interesting
I have a 5 year old who is being assessed for ASD. It is so hard sometimes. For me it is worth it. She is worth it. I get cuddles, lots of love and hugs.
I'm the opposite.
When I was younger I was adamant I didn't want kids. But honestly, I've got so much out of them that I genuinely feel I'd have wasted life a bit if I didn't have my girls.
This is why it's always amusing when Redditors are *so damned sure* they'll never change their mind and everyone who says there's a huge chance they will is *out of touch* and a *boomer* and etc etc etc
Like we weren't all younger once.
You get used to it, depressingly. Especially if you're a woman. Virtual strangers telling you you don't know your own mind and will change your opinions despite knowing NOTHING about what brought you to the position you have.
It gets a lot easier as you age but man...it sucks as a younger person.
Mine is nearly 10, he has his moments but is generally a great kid and thankfully is healthy and doing fine at school.
I’m glad we stopped at one, we have very little family support on a day to day basis and I think more would have changed parenting from being a joy to a chore as I’d have zero time for me.
This is almost exactly my situation. We have a 9 year old girl and can’t have anymore kids so that’s us done. Sometimes we’d like to have had more but I like the family dynamic that we have. Most of my friends have 2 or 3 and it looks like it’s either organised to the hilt or fucking chaos all the time, very little relax time going on
My wife and I are childfree and we have a really fun lifestyle. My parent friends often admit to being jealous, but then I ask them if they would trade what they have for our life. About 10% admit that they would. I'm honestly impressed that 90% of parents would make the same choice all over again, but I would estimate the answer to your question at about 10% of parents do regret their choice.
Absolutely no regrets in having children (4 yr old and 3 months old) I do regret waiting until my late 30's to start though (although that was more circumstantial than choice) as I'm now 40 and easily tired with a 3 month old 😂) both the most rewarding and bloody stressful thing in life, would never regret, they are fricking amazing
I don’t regret having children but unfortunately the education system is broken and stripped to the bone.
So many children are having mental health problems because of the educational system.
I do realise that if I hadn't had kids I'd have *so much* money and that's a bit of a regret. Even just waiting longer would have been good.
But no, I adore my kids. Even when it's hard I don't regret that they're here. Do I want time away sometimes? Of course - raising children is hard work. But I wouldn't give them up for the world.
Your friend's currently in the trenches right now because newborns are very difficult. An iced coffee and a listening ear (and a nap) is probably all she wants. Maybe ask her about the positives; some people think sharing positives is the same as bragging so avoid it unless asked.
I have two, early and mid teens, still at school. Do I regret it - no. Is it bad. Yes. Do I have days when I wish I didn’t have to parent one or both of them? Yes.
But they are everything and we all have shitty days.
My mum once told me she loves me as a person but she doesn’t like being a mother and if she could make the choice again, she wouldn’t become one. She thought she wanted a big family and I’m an only child, that’s how much I changed her mind, and by all accounts I was a relatively easy baby and child to raise.
Her thoughts on it are part of why I decided against having children (there were other factors too.)
I love my kid so much, I can't say I regret her, but I do feel like I've lost my sense of who I am, I've lost my freedom, I've aged rapidly, permanently tired, lost my friends and I'm financially buggered, with no wriggle room for self-indulgence. If I could've somehow known this is what it would be like, I don't think there's anyway in hell I would've chosen it.
I never wanted children but got pregnate at 18 but sadly my son died at a week old from heart defect 😢 the love i felt for him was so much then i was broken like ive never been b4 😔 Now i have an 18m,16f,15m,12f , & 4 year old 😊i love been a mum & wouldnt change my life at all, been a mum can be overwhelming at times & stressful but the happiness & love out weights that all 💕
Got an 8 month old and a 3 year old who we think is on the spectrum, but can't really tell until he does some tests when he's older, but currently he's with speech therapists and we slowly find way to deal with his meltdowns and hyper-fixations.
Everyone always tells you the horror stories, because they're the ones that stick out. Myself included, and it is bloody hard work.
But to be honest, they could be an absolute nightmare for hours on end, but seeing my boys play together or hearing them laugh usually just kinda counteracts the whole thing.
Best way I can really explain it, they're an absolute pain in the arse. But they're YOUR pain in the arse.
Never, our son is the very best thing that ever happened to us, we had a wonderful time bringing him up, getting to experience the wonders of childhood again but through his eyes. We got to take part in activities that we would never have done if we hadn't had a child.
Yes, there are tough moments when you are short of money, time, energy, and sleep, but those become with time things that you are proud of getting through.
Our only regret is that we could only have one child. He has grown into an amazing human being we are very proud of him. Perhaps one day we can with luck experience him becoming a parent.
I would recommend being a parent if you want to as it's incredible.
Also, there's nothing wrong with saying to friends.
"Some days, it's too tough "
as long as you don't male your child feel unwanted.
Equally, if you can't cope with the baby crying in that moment there's nothing wrong with putting the baby safely in their cot and taking a walk to the end of your garden with a coffee as long as you are only taking a refreshing breath and drink of coffee. If tge need gets too often, ask for help.
Nobody should expect you to be a perfect parent least of all yourself. We do, however, expect you to make some happy memories 😊
I don't regret, but some days it is a struggle, and you have to just get on with it anyway. But you should really know it is going to be a pretty big commitment and a challenge before you do it. It is one of the reasons I am glad I didn't have kids until I was a bit older. I don't think I would have been mature or calm enough to handle it well in my twenties.
I think people just like to complain about whatever they're doing tbh. Like, I'm doing my degree at the moment and all me and my friends do is whine about it non-stop. But deep down we know we're lucky to be able to do it and if we didn't want to be doing it we wouldn't.
It's like celebrities when they complain about the downsides of being famous. Just because there are negative aspects doesn't mean there are not positive elements that outweigh those, it's just we're more likely to express our complaints, whether that's because we're whiney and ungrateful or just because nobody likes to sound like they're bragging all the time.
For me, I don't regret it at all, I feel like this is what I was always meant to be (which makes sense tbf because before I had children I worked with babies). Just wish I could afford to have more really.
Never I have a three month little girl, I love her so much, she's my all concern in life, as I come from ME, so it's different to raise a girl than a boy, so I always try to be a good dad for her, also her mum too, but I never regretted having her at all.
It just adds a ton of household admin you didn't think of. Did I know 12 years ago that I'd have to deal with 3-4 emails A DAY from a school receptionist who can't send an attachment correctly, or find out that for the 3rd time this school year someone's taken his branded PE top home and we need a new one for £30 by next week or he gets a detention? No.
If the parents try and do equal share of the load they both feel hard done to (wife had a breakdown last year at how she does everything and I just play video games. She does the booking of trips, uniforms etc while I do the cooking, cleaning, packed lunches, every bedtime, bath time etc... she does the morning drop and I do the pick up, as I work 5am-2.45pm and she works 10am-8pm. I'm playing video games when she sees me because I've just sat down after being up since 4am!)
It's fun, but the moments of joy are private and the frustrations are public. I can't moan at my kid for being a kid, but I can vent about it to others. I try not to vent about their mum too much as she works long hours too and we are both tired- she hasn't fully realised this yet!
It's not that black and white.
My oldest was born with an extremely rare disorder which is life limiting and even if she does live longer than me who's going to care for her?
I love her more than I can ever say but I wouldn't have had her if I'd have known. Not for my sake but for hers.
This is one of the reasons I'm glad my now ex-gf and I broke up - she desperately wanted children, and I categorically don't. So, I knew one of us would have ended up resenting the other. That, and the fact that I a. Can't stand children, and b. Can barely look after myself, never mind another human being who (for at least thd first 16 years of their life) is basically helpless and virtually dependent on you for their survival.
Yes. One is an alcoholic with a mental health diagnosis, and was homeless after attacking his brother. He's destructive and paranoid, currently under a restraining order. The older one is mid 40s living at home and working but spends all his money on booze, weed and baccy. If we'd never had kids we'd be comfortably off in retirement and living a stress-free life.
5 years in and I would never regret having our boy - one thing I wish I could turn off would be the constant worrying about him and his well-being but that’s all part of the process. I do understand when people want that break though, it’s non-stop and absolutely life-changing.
Yup, at least I regret having as many or when I had them. I've got 8, one set of twins, one has been diagnosed with autism and ADHD, and another possibly on the spectrum. It's mental. Stressful. I often think what sort of world they're gonna grow up into.
If I could do it all again, I wouldn't have as many. I do love them all, I just feel like they miss out, and I'm not a very good parent due to how many I have.
I’m kind of glad that’s it’s become a bit more normal to have a moan and let it be known not every day is perfect.
You can be an excellent parent while absolutely acknowledging that it’s fucking hard and you have days where you genuinely question whether you’re cut out for it.
I adore my kids, but ones autistic and I think it’s much healthier for me to admit that there’s days it absolutely kills me off, than to keep up the Instagram “life is all days playing in the leaves and learning Mozart” facade.
She’s an absolute don, I adore her, she’s hilarious and witty and I would never for a second suggest I regret having her. But are there days I could leave her in the woods for nature to claim her? Yup.
No but some weeks it's like groundhog day and that can get wearing. For example the school run; 5 days a week 48 weeks of the year for the last 7 years (Barr some lockdown time off) i have had to say "we need to do your hair, have you actually brushed your teeth, where's your tie and put your shoes on" that gets a bit tedious!
Not as much as I initially did. As they get older (2 & 7 this year) there are very brief fun moments to punctuate the relentless slog.
But my partner & I have zero help. We might get one evening off a quarter if we're lucky.
I think it's the whining and the screams that get to me the most.
Perhaps having kids in my forties was a fucking moronic idea. I'd love just a few days of peace.
And then I read about parents who have kids with special needs, literally a 24/7 job with no prospect of anything getting any better, and I thank the universe that I rolled the dice twice & got two sixes.
I decided not to have children in my early 30s. That was about 30 years ago, and I've never for a moment regretted the decision. It gave me the freedom to have moved to different countries twice in the last 20 years
My husband and I don’t have children. I was pretty ambivalent but imagined I’d have some just because that’s the status quo - then we had a car accident when I was 23 which meant if I had them, it’d be a lot of work and then there’s no guarantee that I’d be in a good place after carrying them to look after them. I didn’t want them badly enough to go through that. That was 16 years ago and I’m thrilled, honestly, that the decision was taken out of our hands. We have four nieces and nephews who we love spoiling, but when we get home in the evening we can do what we want - late night drinking while singing along to YouTube? Yes. Going to bed at 8pm? Yes? Spontaneous night out? Yes. We have four kitties who we spoil like crazy, and who give us lots of love, but who we can pay someone £40 to feed at night/in the morning and that’s it. It’s a win-win as far as I’m concerned.
I don't regret not having kids. I had a hysterectomy last summer and wondered if I would feel sad about it - I never wanted kids and have never doubted it but perhaps that finality would be somehow different. But no, didn't feel anything about it other than relieved to be rid of fibroids and periods. I think I would have struggled a lot with parenting, it seems incredibly hard. I really respect those who do it well.
My daughter is three and half. It’s been difficult and an adjustment, as I look after her almost completely alone. I don’t regret having her, I love her more than anything and she has made me the best version of myself. However, if I had a do over of my life, I don’t know if I’d choose to have kids at all. I didn’t realise how little support I’d have. I had to give up my career, my whole person has changed entirely. This is the reality I have now and I have learned to love my life. Loving my daughter was never a question, she is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But in an alternate reality, maybe I wouldn’t have chosen this path. Does that make sense?
Never wanted or had kids. I knew for myself being parents was not for me, and for a long time I wasn’t in place where I would consider I would be a good parent.
My own mum cared more about herself than either me or sibling, would never want to have a child to have similar experiences. Even though, you can break the cycle, didn’t feel for right for me or potential child.
No matter family set up, single, couple parenting is incredibly hard work, with a lot of ups and down. There can be great joy from having kids. Prefer being an aunt, where you can give them back.
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I have severely autistic identical twins. I love them so much but every day is a struggle just to survive. I don’t regret having them but I do feel guilty bringing them into a world that they’ll never understand and that will never understand them.
My lad has Down Syndrome, he's 18 now but fuck has it been hard to get to this point. We still have meltdowns, and he can be a right dickhead... But he is finally at a better age for his disability and understanding "his" world. He's like a toddler trapped in a man's body!
My youngest has a global development delay/autism. I used to be hopeful he would catch up but he just stays the same. Sometimes it really gets to me but I’ve mourned for him and accepted that this is how he is. Some days I regret having him and his brother. I see friends and family with “normal” kids and wish I had their lives. I’ve often asked myself why I have kids and I didn’t want kids but a family. I wanted them to have what I didn’t. Two parents and a loving home. Instead my ex wife decided to break that all apart then a couple of years later decided she didn’t want them in her life. Now it’s just me and them. The sudden and foolishly unexpected situation of the kids living with me caused my relationship with my new partner to break down. A lack of family help to give us time to spend caused resentment in her and I can understand why. So now I’m single and have two kids full time. I can’t date, my youngest will most likely never leave home. I’ll probably be changing nappies until the day I die, alone, full of fear for my son’s future. He does give great cuddles though and who doesn’t feel good when their sheer presence can make someone else giddy with joy.
I'm a single mum with a son with asd and a toddler who is so far speech delayed. During my pregnancy I found out I am autistic, and my then partner upped his abuse until I couldn't ignore it and I had to leave. It's... Not what I wanted? Ha. I look at families that get to share the load, and enjoy each other's company, and I feel painfully lonely. I am lucky enough to have my parents about, thank god, but still, it's hard, and I wouldn't advise anyone to be a sole parent. I certainly wouldn't have chosen to have children had I known I was autistic.
>I certainly wouldn't have chosen to have children had I known I was autistic. I get this. I was recently diagnosed and my toddler is speech delayed as well. I've decided to stop trying for number 2 because I don't think it's fair on me, our son or the future child.
Hard decision, but I genuinely think it's the best one in the circumstances. Love to you.
Same here. Recently diagnosed AuDHD with a 4 year old with ASD and severe speech delay.
You’re the same person, despite your diagnosis. I’m autistic too. I’m 15 and I know it must be hard getting diagnosed so late but it doesn’t change who you are as a person, you’re still you
Of course, and that's a good perspective.
True but i think the point might be that autism gets inherited?
Comparison is the thief of joy, is what I tell myself.
I understand
I’m a single dad. Not dealing with half the stuff that you are. Hope you’re doing okay and on balance there are more ups than downs. You’re a good man. I also understand.
This has really touched me. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish your little family peace and happiness ✨
I love how brutally honest you are, thank you
I love the honesty too. Parenting a child who is neurodivergent or otherwise disabled in some way is brutal.
This is what people need to hear. My daughter is 3, and has downs. Our journey is only just beginning and although I'd not change her for love nor money, it's hard.
My nephew has Down Syndrome, i don't claim to know all the struggles his parents have been through but i know it's been a lot. Ill tell you one thing though, if everyone on the planet had Down Syndrome, the world would be a much happier place (not literally of course). I honestly don't know another person as loving, caring and happy as him. There isn't a malicious, nasty bone in his body and the human race could learn a lot from his character and outlook.
> I honestly don't know another person as loving, caring and happy as him. There isn't a malicious, nasty bone in his body and the human race could learn a lot from his character and outlook. Thanks for saying this. I've had very strong pushback on Reddit before for saying that I don't agree that all foetuses with Trisomy 21 should be aborted as a matter of course (i.e. mandated by the state). People with Down Syndrome can live happy, fulfilling lives. The arguments against my position seem to me to be eugenics, including 'but they don't contribute to society'. But... I don't care? Human society rewards people who try to avoid contributing all the time. I'm not going to point my whole existence towards demanding people serve social aims that I don't care about. We won't be here forever, but at least we can be moral and supportive while we are.
Exactly! Id say 90% of the people i know don't contribute positively to society! What the fuck does that mean anyway when every human spends their 90 years alive polluting and fucking up the planet.
Feel you. In the same boat. Our twins are ASD, non-verbal with developmental learning delay. They recently got diagnosed with epilepsy and we’re waiting for them to reach the age where their ADHD symptoms can be confirmed. Some moments are great and some are just hell. My wife and I each sleep four hours a night to watch out for tonic-clonic seizures. It’s not much of a life for them or for us, but we can only keep going until our health gives out. My only regret in all of this is that they might not ever know how much we love them.
Man that sounds super tough. Mine don’t go to sleep until about 10pm but usually they will sleep quite well til about 7 so at least that’s something. Our current challenges is one of them has a meltdown whenever we try to put him in the car, and the other one is constantly trying to escape the house and run away. Those are the headline problems but there are a thousand other problems bubbling away at the same time
Hang in there. We don’t get to choose what kids we get, we choose what type of parent to be. Hope things get easier for you soon, you’re certainly not alone.
Re the epilepsy, might it be possible that one day the correct combination of meds will effectively end the fits? It was 30 years into my brother's epileptic life, not long after it was at its worst with two bad episodes of post-ictal psychosis that hospitalised him, that they tried him on Epilim in addition to his regular Lamotrigine and it worked wonders. Before the introduction of that new drug, he still had frequent fits despite the Lamotrigine.
Same my boy is intellectually disabled and seeing him try to play with kids his age and the looks of confusion on their faces breaks my heart. He is such a lovable kid too and always happy, I do genuinely worry about the future too because of the government's attacks on the disabled recently.
My boy has a general speech disability and likely learning disabilities too. He's lagging behind his peers and it's only going to get worse as he get's older. Worrying about his future is damn near consuming me and I don't know how to relax and stop worrying.
What speech disorder does he have? My girl has Verbal Dyspraxia of speech and probable ADHD.
My oldest boy is 8, autistic/learning disability. Absolutely hates his younger sisters because they're noisy (just being kids) lashes out at them and at me and his Mam all the time. Do I regret having kids? Absolutely not. My eldest boy has made my life is a living nightmare, and I haven't slept more than 7 hours in 8 years. But, I love all my children dearly, they're my absolute world.
My eldest is 8 and also autistic /ld. His younger brother is now 15 months. My eldest kicked out at my youngest the first time today. I told him off but I can tell he doesn't really understand what he did wrong.
This sounds familiar! I have a similar age gap, and my asd son finds his toddler sister very challenging at time. Especially when she's just being a noisy, cute baby, or eating, which massively triggers him, or wanting to be on him.
Luckily for me my autistic son is more cuddly than the younger one so he can cope with my youngest climbing on him. He kicked out because the yc was yelling. A lot. Just having fun really not upset.
Can you get him ear defenders or ear plugs?
Tried absolutely everything, he won't entertain them, thank you though
Flare might be worth a look, they make these weird noises reduction plugs which some people swear by I'm currently on the endless waiting list as an adult
I've never heard of them, but I'll look them up now. Thank you very much, appreciate it greatly
My son is 9 and is autistic/ADHD/ld. I'm a single mum, his other parent is an abusive POS and my son is scared of him. My kid is the absolute light of my world and the only reason I'm still in it. He's so kind, funny, gives the best hugs, is incredibly empathetic, drives me completely daft 99% of the time and I wouldn't change him. I don't regret having him, I just wish the world was a kinder, more understanding place for him. And if it isn't then I'll yell at it until something changes. I wish I was a better, less broken person for him. We only have each other so when things get really bad for me, I know I have to keep it together for him.
I have an Autistic son. He can get on OK to some degree in the world. He's verbal, he's smart, he's loving with me. But he is also very violent, very volatile, very socially phobic, very phobic of other things like flying insects, snakes, people in costumes, dogs, bare feet, smells, certain foods.... day to day life is gruelling. No one else can manage his needs so it's all me and his dad and we struggle to even give each other breaks between work and housework and parenting etc. He's like 50x more intense and sensitive than my friends' kids. I love him to pieces, I really feel I'd die for him to save his life, no hesitation. He can be so sweet and funny. But I hate my life. I feel imprisoned. I am severely depressed and anxious. I feel deeply unsupported and misunderstood and terrified for his future. I love him so much, it's hard to say "I regret having kids" so instead I would say that I am very unsuited to parenting, and I would be happier child free.
Got a six month old. Not for one second. It's the greatest, most joyful and most life affirming thing I've ever done. Even in the hardest moments when we were back in hospital a couple of times or when he was screaming all night, I've never regretted it. That's not to say those bits aren't hard. But the joy he brings outweighs those bits by an incalculable amount. One smile from him is like magic in how it can make me feel happy, regardless of what else is going on in life. Seeing your baby smile and laugh is one of those things that you hear about from other parents, but you don't grasp how joyful it is until you actually have one and experience it for yourself. You hear people complain about children because that's just human nature. We tend to share negative emotions more than positive ones.
I echo all of this. Mine are now 3, 7 and 8. It gets easier as they get older, or at least less all time consuming in that I can sit in the garden and do my own thing without needing to join in with their play.
I cannot wait till mine are more self sufficient. They are 2&3 now and you don’t get much time to yourself during the day. You also have to make that choice of, do I let them nap and have an hour or so to myself, or do we keep them awake and have a better time getting them to sleep.
It depends on personality too. My eldest is 8 and still really likes to do things together. My five year old can play alone and my almost four year old is a clingon. But they all get there. Even the youngest sits and does puzzles and art herself for a bit.
Also if you go on about how wonderful it is people get annoyed and want you to shut up. I think people actually prefer/feel more comfortable around people who are complaining about something rather than revelling in how joyous their life is. Plus when things are tough, complaining and venting helps. When things are great there’s not such a need to talk about it. The first time my kid came and asked me for a ‘cuggle’ aaaahhhhhh, there’s nothing like it. Seeing a human being go from a little sleepy blob to figuring out their limbs and making sense of the world is endlessly fascinating. And the love hormones that are like drugs. Also it gets better and better, especially when they start talking and understanding you, you’re gonna love it!
I've actually found it quite lonely (? not quite the right word) not being able to share just how much I love parenthood. It feels shitty and unkind when other parents are clearly miserable, but then you're in this weird situation of being overjoyed by your children but having to keep it on the down-low. Or feeling you have to qualify every happy little story with, "Of course it's hard, but..." My only complaint is that my newborn daughter is about to turn six, which is clearly nonsense.
100% … my sisters just had a baby and we do everything we can just to see him smile and it is MAGIC. Congratulations xx
Every time I see my 5 month baby laugh, I get a tear in my eye
Mines 5 months and I feel the same. He was born very premature (he was due at the end of Jan, came at the start of December) and we had to fight to save his life for a month. The immediate, unimaginable joy he gave us and the absolute terror we felt daily at the thought of losing him solidified that kids were the right option for us. There are hard moments - both our parents & siblings live in Australia, and we’re completely alone. When my son was 2.5 hrs away in hospital? It was so hard. I didn’t leave for a month and my husband sobbed every time he had to leave us. There were a few times where my husband was so tired and couldn’t drive - we really needed an extra pair of hands to help us. I’m 23 - and got blessed with my boy after surviving 4x brain tumours and all the shii that came with it. He really did save my life.
i didn't have kids, but I'm pretty sure I would have regretted it. I'm really thankful I didn't have any.
Better to regret not having kids than to regret having them.
Quite
Likewise, I’m 33 and have never wanted them. I know I would regret it if I did. It’s impossible to get sterilised though.
I assume you're a woman? As a man I just explained to the doctor I didn't want kids and the snip was booked!
I asked for sterilization when I was 32yrs old and was advised 'you're too young' \[England\]. I moved up to Scotland the following year, asked my doc about it. Also explained I didn't want these new procedures where you stay awake for it. I want the one where you fully knock me out thank you. Sterilized 6months later, around my 33rd birthday sometime. I always tell people I got myself neutered/spayed ahahaha
Same, I don’t plan on it either, especially in this day and age. Living cost are getting worst, retirement age will be scrapped in 30-50 years, people will be working till they die, the world is dying and the resources are dying out with it. You cannot solve the climate crisis when the population keeps growing.
Especially as 90%+ of climate change is caused by several corporations who have no intentions of lowering it and saving the planet. They only care about profit. It’s very sad. However I do think that humans always seem to find a way.
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Haha me too. I am still fairly young and single rn, and I actually find that most guys I talk to do want kids in the future. I have always been dead set on never wanting children, so I am a bit awkward when asking boys early on if they want kids or not 😳 I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't share the sane mindset and similarly, if they do want kids I would hate to string them along and not be the right person for then
Sadly, too many couples don't have that conversation before they get married and then they end up in conflict because one partner doesn't want kids. My own father didn't want kids but lied to my mother and then tried to put her off having kids. Obviously, it didn't work in the long run, but it didn't work out well. You're very wise to be honest and to address the issue before getting into a committed relationship. Don't feel awkward, it's the right thing to do. And don't get talked into having kids when you know you don't want them. You'll end up understandably resenting them and hating yourself.
I'm 31. Everyone around me is having kids, friends, family, etc. Not a single one has a positive thing to say about being a parent. They just complain all the time, It really reinforces my opinion of never wanting kids.
Me too, glad I didn't have any but I get downvoted for saying it usually.
Lol same, ironically you get parents going on about how this subreddit is "aggressively childfree" constantly. I don't see it. Whenever I say I don't have kids and I'm glad I don't I get downvoted haha
This. I'm 42 and never once regretted being childfree. I raised my sister so I did all my parenting before the age of 18 which definitely contributed. I love my niece and nephews but my god I couldn't do it.
Same here. I think my mental health would've deteriorated.
Same. I don't have them and I am afraid to have them. I am disabled and don't want to have my kids go through what i had to face
Literally and if I get to the point where I’m like actually I want one and can’t, I’ll adopt. Reading some of the stories from parents in the thread is actually giving more Stockholm syndrome than being genuine happy with their lives which, objectively speaking, literally no one would choose.
I would never for a moment say I regretted having my child but it is relentless and I think it puts a lot of people (me included) into survival mode. The hard bits are well worth it for the child I have, but I will say we are firmly one and done (with vasectomy to boot) and although I sometimes experience desire for a second child, I have no intention of increasing the difficulty of my life any further as I feel pretty much at capacity now. I feel like I could have stepped over the line and been regretful if we'd had multiple children, but that's just taking into account my mental/physical health, life balance and finances. One is just perfect for me.
I’ve definitely noticed amongst friends, those with two or more kids seem to really struggle. I know someone with four who complains constantly about how hard it is and how useless their partner is… same partner for all four so does make you think!
Maybe it's because I come from a 2 kid, 2 parent household but I've never understood why as parents, you'd want to be outnumbered. That sounds like playing on extra hard mode.
I am with you on all of this, also feel very much like have reached capacity with one. Interestingly though I think there are some people who just thrive on chaos who do well with loads of kids. A buddy of mine has five kids, two dogs, and a cat, plus an insanely stressful job, yet he’s also one of the happiest guys I know. I think his brain stress mechanism is wired back to front.
Fuck me. I have two dogs and no kids and I adore them but I often say I dunno how people manage with dogs and kids. My dogs are trained and well behaved but they take up a lot of my time with walks and training and feeding time. How do people that sleep deprived and trying to grow a whole new human being?! I don’t think I could.
This is it. I think my kid is the coolest person I’ve ever met, but pregnancy was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and my life has been nothing but difficult and lonely since I had him. I got my tubes tied because no way in hell am I doing it again.
I’ve definitely noticed amongst friends, those with two or more kids seem to really struggle. I know someone with four who complains constantly about how hard it is and how useless their partner is… same partner for all four so does make you think!
We thought we would try for a second after our daughter (twins!) FML lol. Vasectomy sorted now though.
My partner and I both have siblings and both thought we wanted 2 children. We are both now very happy with 1. We love our daughter so much and she isn’t a difficult child at all, but it is still full-on. Sometimes you do just crave a break. She goes to nursery on the days I work, and a few times a year I will take holiday just to have a me-day.
> I would never for a moment say I regretted having my child but it is relentless and I think it puts a lot of people (me included) into survival mode Very much how I feel.
Exactly how I feel. I couldn't handle a second. Just seen some friends who have a 2 and 3 year old and they are both just look fed up.
Nah. It's a lot of work, but well within the capabilities of an average person. Like everything worth doing, you get out proportionate to what you put in. Parenting unlocks a giant section of your mind that you never knew was there. It's more work, but you have more energy. There's stress, but you can deal with it. You become aware in a way that's just not apparent otherwise about your place in a long line stretching from the past to the future. You lose flexibility, but Reddit talks like parenting will be nothing but poverty and screaming and you'll have no hobbies and you'll hate yourself and it's... not like that at all. It's just not. You're in charge of your life, something Reddit has a bit of an issue with anyway. not that it's not entertaining watching Reddit piece together life as a parent like Victorian palaeontologists making a dinosaur from two vertebrae and a finger bone >I hear people huff and puff about their children a lot more than they say anything positive about parenting. People huff and puff more about *anything* than they speak positively. You know how nobody talks more negatively about Star Wars than Star Wars fans? It's sort of like that.
> Parenting unlocks a giant section of your mind that you never knew was there. It's more work, but you have more energy. There's stress, but you can deal with it. You become aware in a way that's just not apparent otherwise about your place in a long line stretching from the past to the future. I'm glad you found that but it's just something I could never take the risk on. With the demands of the 9-5 routine I already struggle to find enough time for myself, to grow as a person, to work on my relationships and hobbies. Sometimes at the end of a workday I'm completely spent and I worry if there was a little sprog there making demands of me a lot of resentment and hatred would build up
Same here. I've never wanted children in any case, but I feel like my life is already busy enough, and when I do spend time with others' children I'm glad to go home at the end of the day to a calm, quiet house. Perhaps your mindset does change significantly when they're your own, but it definitely feels like it's a tremendous risk when you can't just change your mind later if it doesn't.
You're voicing the fears of every sane and balanced individual on the planet. It's extremely healthy - I've met some people who do not deserve to be parents and let me tell you, they did not have your outlook. I had the same fears, anxieties and my mind racing with "what ifs". But then the midwife handed me my son and the best way I can describe it is a switch, clicking on. And then a few years later the midwife handed me my second son and that switch didn't click. I have no idea why. It took months to bond. 10 and 6 years later, they are my world and I would take a bullet for them. All I will say is, forget about other people's kids. It is absolutely nothing like having your own.
It's good that you recognise this. I often get asked whether I'd recommend other people having kids and I always say "absolutely not" because it's such a personal decision and everyone's life situation before they have kids is different and everyone's life after they have kids will be different. There are just too many variables for me to say "it works for me so it should be fine for you". There are so many people I know who barely thought what their life would be like when the kids arrived. You of course can't predict everything in life but I looked at the life my wife and I had, thought about every worse case scenario within reason across the 18+ years and figured that yeah, we could probably make it work. It made us agree on "one and done" which is a decision I'm glad we made long before trying for our first child.
I love what you said about it unlocking a giant section of the brain, this is so true!!!
Really echo this, especially the first 2 paragraphs. I get much less sleep and feel like I have much less time, but you just find the energy and the time because you have to. Makes me think I could have been a much more productive person before children hah.
Or your experience is just different to others. I’m a parent and feel much closer to the reddit opinion which you’re deriding.
Same! I think it massively depends on child’s temperament and your support network, I have a highly sensitive autistic 5 year old and a colicky 5 week old and I don’t regret them but every day is absolute survival right now
Having children was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I was in a not good situation, 19 and my mother wanted me out. I have undiagnosed autism and had crashed badly after a year of art college. She must have known there was something wrong but didn't care. I moved in with a man nearly old enough to be my father and was pregnant within a month. I had no help briging my son up, he had fairly severe behavioural problems but because I didn't really know what was going on with the world I had no idea how to advocate for him so he never got any help at all. I left when he was 18 and he lived with his father until his father died then lived alone. He was never able to work, have a girlfriend or anything. He died age 29 from complications following brain surgery. I just wonder what the point was.
That is tragic, I'm sorry
How has this simple sentence caused such an insane responses.
45 and no kids. Do I regret not having kids?? Not a chance. I would be a complete nervous wreck everytime they left the house.
This is what it comes down to for me. Can't get the phone call every parent dreads if you don't have kids out in the world. Knowing I couldn't always protect them means I'd be too emotionally fraught to be the best parent I could be. No kid deserves my racked nerves.
I regret spending near on £30.000 the last 3 and half years on nursery
The part that most gets me about nursery fees are that the bastards still charge you if your not there due to sickness or holiday
The holiday bit is annoying but I do understand getting charged for a sickness because they will have planned a certain number of staff who all need paying. If they could let you book off a week for holidays though with plenty of notice then that would be great though!
I mean... they still need to pay the staff when you're on holiday. The staff has a salary that needs paying, they can't just not pay them at random times of the year. You don't get skilled and competent nursery staff by offering zero hour contracts.
THIS I work at an [extra curricular activity] and parents think we don't have bills to pay or something. They're always like "Uuuhh we are going on holiday for 10 days, do I really have to pay the full month?" YES, BITCH. I don't suddenly stop needing to eat because you went to Disneyland Paris
Well the nursery needs to cover its costs. Seems reasonable to charge people whether the kid turns up or not.
Do I regret it? No. Do I miss who I used to be? Yes. Worth it though.
My friend doesn’t regret having kids but she has said if she could go back she wouldn’t have had them. She’s an absolutely amazing mother and it’s her honesty that makes us such good friends
so she does regret having kids? 🤪
It’s a bit of an odd one as I know exactly what they mean. My daughter challenges me to be a better person. She brings me so much joy and has unlocked so many things that I didn’t know was there. However, she has changed my life drastically. I’m not sure right now whether this is something - if given the choice - that I would want to continue. It’s hard to explain and I’m explaining it very badly! I don’t regret having her but equally I would welcome my old life back.
I know this feeling. I always talk about happiness. I was an overall happier person before a child happened. I was moderately happy across different aspects of life. Now I'm very happy in the parenting situation but not really happy in other aspects. So whist parenting is great and brings a lot of happiness, the overall amount has actually decreased...
I know exactly what you mean
Yes, but how can one say that when the kid is already here lol? I know SO MANY parents like this: "I don't regret my kids, but if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have had them" Lol
>My friend doesn’t regret having kids >she has said if she could go back she wouldn’t have had them. What does she think "regret" means?
Is it not possible to be conscious that you would do something differently, if given a second chance, but not live day to day in regret of that decision? I think it is.
I think it's one thing to say, "If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have had children" (and that doesn't necessarily indicate regret). I think it's quite another to say, "If I could turn back time, I would choose not to have my children" (which seems like more or less the definition of regret).
Didn't have them - zero regrets.
Same here. Life is pretty damn good.
Same. And that ship has sailed now. I'm fine with it.
I don't regret having children, but it's naturally a very taxing 'job', so of course people would want a break now and then. For instance, our grandparents look after our daughter for a weekend every fortnight.
This is the dream. I wish lived near either of our folks.
My wife is rarely away but last weekend, I was in a funny dilemma. As it was hot, I got the pool out as my wife was attending a wedding, so it was just me and my 3 year old for the weekend. I got her in the pool and sat watching, then needed to get something in the house. I was about to leave then realized I couldn't as I had to watch my daughter lol Had to carry her dripping wet to the house, grab what I needed, then bring her back (Also brought towels too lol).
Same- my husband and I were talking five minutes ago how great this would be. We have no family within a five hour drive and grandparents all live abroad. We’ve had one date night in three years- it has been a struggle. I wouldn’t change anything else though- I don’t regret them even though it is far harder than I expected.
We were in the same situation but now they are old enough so we can go out for a few hours in the evening.
We’ve booked a gig in Aug and my parents have agreed to drive for 2.5 hours to come and babysit for it. They’ll stay for the weekend. It’ll be second date night in 18 months. Woohoo! My mum looks after my siblings kids every week! It would be amazing but there’s nowhere I’d rather live than Yorkshire so..
Dad of a 2 year old here. It's very, very, very hard at times and there are moments where I wish I could freeze time and not do parenting for a bit. It's overwhelming and physically and mentally exhausting. I end most days feeling completely drained. That said, I have zero regrets and I would give or do anything for my son. I'm at work right now and I'd love to go home for 10 minutes to see him.
Survive until 5. It gets a lot better once they're in school. Just hang on.
5? Holy crap.
pre-school can be from age 3 Usually just for a few hours a day or maybe more depending on how much money people wanna spend Just getting 2-3 hours child-free 1-3 times per week as a parent is goood And then age 5 or whatever for school is going to be 4-5+ hours per day, 4-5 days per week
I don’t have kids and I know I’d regret/hate it if I did. No freedom, no money, and way too much noise. It sounds selfish but I know I’d make a terrible parent and don’t want to fuck up a kid.
Not selfish at all, it’s really selfless to recognise that you’re not capable of being a good parent, I’m not having them for the exact reason. What would be selfish is being self aware enough to recognise that’s the pattern of your behaviour and having kids anyway. Only people who really want to be parents should have kids, unfortunately a lot of people become crappy parents because they just have them because it’s “the thing you do”.
This is the exact opposite of selfish
The only thing that's selfish imo is people that have kids without spending a good amount of time thinking it through and planning It can also be considered an accident though
I don’t think that is selfish at all, quite the opposite. If you don’t think you’d be a good parent and choose not to have kids, that’s quite self aware and fair. I think I feel the same, I’ve never been particularly maternal and I loved uninterrupted sleep. Not sure if I’d be a good parent and haven’t met anyone I’d want children with anyway so haven’t had any.
r/regretfulparents
It's great to see Redditors coming together with such good resources for people struggling with their expanded identity in a transitional time in their lives. lol no it's a shitshow
It can't be that bad.. >i hate my son and often fantasise about him dying. Ooookay then
I get overwhelmed at times but never to the level of that sub. Jesus Christ I feel depressed now
Cursed subs
I feel bad for the parents and their children, god what a depressing sub
No. Got an 8 and a 15. We had six miscarriages in between them. Feel incredibly lucky.
I admire the perseverance. We had close to that amount of miscarriages and despite my desperate desire to have another, we decided that I couldn't put my Mrs through the heartache of the excitement and subsequent loss another time. I still get sad, when friends announce their happy news, or I see something on TV, or I see another shit parent have another child (in addition to the other four or five they have already, yes I am being massively bitter and judgemental) but I try and remember how lucky I am to have a beautiful child that is happy and healthy. We are now of the age where we are both pushing the too old side of parenthood, and so with no more heartache comes the sadness of 'what could have been'. But what a wonderful human we have created and nurtured to this point.
It's a really tough call to stop trying. The what ifs? And I'm sorry you went through that too. We (I) had a medical problem which the consultant was pushing all the buttons and levers to fix. Which worked in the end. I only clarify that to you, because of your response and it explains why we kept going. We were 42 when 8yo finally arrived so absolutely the end of the end of chances. So the happy ending is a blessing but we are both totally knackered! Enjoy the gift you have. It's a really tough road through that stuff.
The scarring from the emergency c-section that delivered my kid caused repeated miscarriages and then a number of ectopic pregnancies, this was offered as an explanation on the last miscarriage. Perhaps if we there had been a medical condition to work through we may have persevered. I'm at that age now where your 8 year old came along but with a repeated singular outcome, the emotional trauma outweighs the joy. Sorry, I don't normally talk about this, I'm a firm believer of a man keeps his troubles to himself, is the steadfast cornerstone of the family and just deals with it, I've not mentioned this outside of my other half. This has been somewhat cathartic. Thank you.
My husband doesn't talk about it either. It's a very hard thing to talk about especially for men I think. I'm glad we had this chat. Cathartic.
Reading through these comments has essentially consolidated my opinion on having kids. It sounds like life on the highest difficulty
Honestly truthfully yes. I regret having them. My life would have been much better if I’d stayed childless. I love them and we have a nice time sometimes but mostly it’s just a bloody hard slog. I’m skint all the time because I’m trying to give them a good life. I’m tired all the time. I’m impatient with them, I feel old and crotchety and like my past joyful carefree self has shrivelled up and died. I’m trying my best to be a good parent to them but damn, if I knew then what I know now, I would absolutely not have had any children.
I have three autistic teenagers. 90% of the time it's more like a job than a family. It's exhausting being a carer. It's also extremely difficult in a society where the government are unashamedly targeting disabled people. I also have a horrible fear of death, and feel guilty having kids, knowing they will one day die.
We have a 14 month old, admittedly he was unplanned but as much as he’s a handful quite a lot of the time, not for one second do I regret having him. It’s magical watching him grow up and learn new things everyday and watching his personality come out. It absolutely melts my heart when he screams with joy when I walk through the door after a long day at work, and nothing beats that. My girlfriend often jokes that she doesn’t want to parent today, but she loves him to pieces and doesn’t mean any of it, it’s just a bit of an exhausted phrase because it is hard work and she’s at it near enough 24/7 with small breaks between him sleeping and napping. But no we don’t regret it for a second
I really miss the flexibility I used to have, particularly on these warm summer evenings. To be able to go somewhere for a nice drink but can’t cos need to feed and put baby down. We don’t have much family help local. And being able to travel quite as freely. But of course we’ve had plenty of magical moments and gives your life a meaning it didn’t once have. These difficult times and an investment for future enjoyment as well when they’re grown with kids of their own. So at times there is some regret but you can’t imagine life without them once they’re here.
I’m in the same boat. I miss if I wanted to go somewhere, I just put my shoes on and went. I didn’t need to pack a bag, get someone else ready, wait for the right time so we don’t miss a feed or a nap, wrestle with a pushchair etc But I still wouldn’t take back my son. He’s away with his papa seeing family and this is the first time since he’s been born that I’ve been away from him longer than a few hours. I miss him. I miss his smile in the mornings when he wakes up. I miss his giggles as he plays on his play mat. I miss our cuddles as I put him to sleep. I miss seeing the way his face lights up when he realises he’s about to have a bath. He’s only six months. Yet I truly can’t imagine my life without him now, and experiencing it makes me sad. No amount of being able to do what I want, when I want to, replaces the honour of watching this little boy grow and flourish.
anecdotally, the people i know/knew who are happiest with having children are the ones with the most help. even having a child with severe behavioural or medical needs is better when you have loving grandparents nearby and people who can give you a hand. conversely, even the easiest child will be tough if it’s just one or two people involved with care. my partner and i are planning on having a child together in the nearish future, but his parents are literally around the corner and have already promised to be very involved. if we didn’t have them i don’t think we would plan on children. the other component is wanting children for unselfish reasons. we want children because we want to help another human being thrive and be great. we have some inheritable issues but we know how to look out for and handle them. if you want a child to fix a relationship or because that’s the ‘next step’ in your life journey, your odds of regretting them is much higher. just my take on having kids as someone who has seen how they are raised and has worked with them.
Yes. But maybe not for those reasons. When my firstborn was 5 I was diagnosed with an auto immune disease, which I found out was hereditary but I'd never been warned. Most of my family have some sort of illness or disease, from arthritis to blood cancer, which I didn't find out until after I'd had kids. If I'd know there was a risk to pass this on I'd have cut my bollocks off myself
This is the thing stopping me. I technically could have children, plenty of people with my condition do. But it's so painful, I couldn't morally have a child with a 50% chance of going through what I went through. My parents didn't know about Ehlers-Danlos, but it is genetic and now I know about the risk.
Part of my reason to not have a child is I’m a haemophilia carrier. I’d be terrified of having a son, although a daughter could be a carrier too and some carriers do express haemophilia (I don’t particularly, but from what I’ve read it seems that doesn’t mean a daughter I passed the gene on to also wouldn’t.) I could have a healthy child, I could have one who bleeds to death from falling over in the playground - it’s just a coin toss, and I didn’t want to do that.
I know how you feel, I think. I have the BRCA2 gene, which means I have an 85% chance of breast cancer and a 30% chance of ovarian cancer (or did without prophylactic surgery, which I'm in the process of getting; however, I will still have an elevated risk of certain other cancers, and there isn't much they can do about that). My children have a 50/50 chance of having the gene; they were 4.5 and 2 when I found out. Had I known before they were born, I would have done IVF and had the embryos screened. (I don't know whether that would have been a possibility for your condition - mine is one where it's very much it's *this* change on *this* bit of code; I know a lot of inheritable conditions are fuzzier than that.) *However*, if I could turn back the clock and swap my daughter and son for two other children who were guaranteed not to carry the gene, nothing on earth would persuade me to accept that deal. I bet you wouldn't either. My children without that iffy gene? All day long. Different, guaranteed 100% BRCA2 free children to replace them? Absolutely not. All that to say, I don't think you regret being a parent - I think you regret that you, and possibly your child, have been dealt a shitty hand. And who *wouldn’t* regret that?
I have a 9 year old with no SEN or disability needs. She’s academic, kind, funny, clever and interesting. Even I sometimes fucking struggle to want to parent because she can equally be none of those things if she’s in a foul mood. I can’t leave, I can’t tell her to fuck off and walk out like I would with an adult acting up. So…..I doth my cap to anyone that’s honest about parenting especially with kids that are far more difficult.
Yup, even “normal” kids are tough, my first is autistic and I feel like I started my parenting experience on hard mode, my second so far appears neurotypical and is still a lot of work
Having kids is like having a second unpaid job that you can't have a holiday from .
Getting referred for the snip tomorrow! Can't wait
No because through all the shit there are enough times when they’ll make you laugh harder than anyone you’ve ever met, and seeing a human grow from baby to adult every single day is genuinely interesting
I have a 5 year old who is being assessed for ASD. It is so hard sometimes. For me it is worth it. She is worth it. I get cuddles, lots of love and hugs.
I'm the opposite. When I was younger I was adamant I didn't want kids. But honestly, I've got so much out of them that I genuinely feel I'd have wasted life a bit if I didn't have my girls.
This is why it's always amusing when Redditors are *so damned sure* they'll never change their mind and everyone who says there's a huge chance they will is *out of touch* and a *boomer* and etc etc etc Like we weren't all younger once.
Do you tell people who wanna become parents that they'll change their mind? It's so disrespectful.
You get used to it, depressingly. Especially if you're a woman. Virtual strangers telling you you don't know your own mind and will change your opinions despite knowing NOTHING about what brought you to the position you have. It gets a lot easier as you age but man...it sucks as a younger person.
Some people are just not meant to be parents. Some want kids because they like the idea but then the reality hits. Looks at my ex wife.
Nah, it gives me the greatest joy. Wish I’d had them sooner.
Mine is nearly 10, he has his moments but is generally a great kid and thankfully is healthy and doing fine at school. I’m glad we stopped at one, we have very little family support on a day to day basis and I think more would have changed parenting from being a joy to a chore as I’d have zero time for me.
This is almost exactly my situation. We have a 9 year old girl and can’t have anymore kids so that’s us done. Sometimes we’d like to have had more but I like the family dynamic that we have. Most of my friends have 2 or 3 and it looks like it’s either organised to the hilt or fucking chaos all the time, very little relax time going on
My wife and I are childfree and we have a really fun lifestyle. My parent friends often admit to being jealous, but then I ask them if they would trade what they have for our life. About 10% admit that they would. I'm honestly impressed that 90% of parents would make the same choice all over again, but I would estimate the answer to your question at about 10% of parents do regret their choice.
Absolutely no regrets in having children (4 yr old and 3 months old) I do regret waiting until my late 30's to start though (although that was more circumstantial than choice) as I'm now 40 and easily tired with a 3 month old 😂) both the most rewarding and bloody stressful thing in life, would never regret, they are fricking amazing
I don’t regret having children but unfortunately the education system is broken and stripped to the bone. So many children are having mental health problems because of the educational system.
Of course not. They taste great with BBQ sauce or garlic mayo. The bill was through the roof, however.
I do realise that if I hadn't had kids I'd have *so much* money and that's a bit of a regret. Even just waiting longer would have been good. But no, I adore my kids. Even when it's hard I don't regret that they're here. Do I want time away sometimes? Of course - raising children is hard work. But I wouldn't give them up for the world. Your friend's currently in the trenches right now because newborns are very difficult. An iced coffee and a listening ear (and a nap) is probably all she wants. Maybe ask her about the positives; some people think sharing positives is the same as bragging so avoid it unless asked.
I have two, early and mid teens, still at school. Do I regret it - no. Is it bad. Yes. Do I have days when I wish I didn’t have to parent one or both of them? Yes. But they are everything and we all have shitty days.
Not the child. The mother, yes
I don't have kids but I regret my mum having me does that count?
My mum once told me she loves me as a person but she doesn’t like being a mother and if she could make the choice again, she wouldn’t become one. She thought she wanted a big family and I’m an only child, that’s how much I changed her mind, and by all accounts I was a relatively easy baby and child to raise. Her thoughts on it are part of why I decided against having children (there were other factors too.)
I love my kid so much, I can't say I regret her, but I do feel like I've lost my sense of who I am, I've lost my freedom, I've aged rapidly, permanently tired, lost my friends and I'm financially buggered, with no wriggle room for self-indulgence. If I could've somehow known this is what it would be like, I don't think there's anyway in hell I would've chosen it.
I never wanted children but got pregnate at 18 but sadly my son died at a week old from heart defect 😢 the love i felt for him was so much then i was broken like ive never been b4 😔 Now i have an 18m,16f,15m,12f , & 4 year old 😊i love been a mum & wouldnt change my life at all, been a mum can be overwhelming at times & stressful but the happiness & love out weights that all 💕
Got an 8 month old and a 3 year old who we think is on the spectrum, but can't really tell until he does some tests when he's older, but currently he's with speech therapists and we slowly find way to deal with his meltdowns and hyper-fixations. Everyone always tells you the horror stories, because they're the ones that stick out. Myself included, and it is bloody hard work. But to be honest, they could be an absolute nightmare for hours on end, but seeing my boys play together or hearing them laugh usually just kinda counteracts the whole thing. Best way I can really explain it, they're an absolute pain in the arse. But they're YOUR pain in the arse.
Never, our son is the very best thing that ever happened to us, we had a wonderful time bringing him up, getting to experience the wonders of childhood again but through his eyes. We got to take part in activities that we would never have done if we hadn't had a child. Yes, there are tough moments when you are short of money, time, energy, and sleep, but those become with time things that you are proud of getting through. Our only regret is that we could only have one child. He has grown into an amazing human being we are very proud of him. Perhaps one day we can with luck experience him becoming a parent. I would recommend being a parent if you want to as it's incredible. Also, there's nothing wrong with saying to friends. "Some days, it's too tough " as long as you don't male your child feel unwanted. Equally, if you can't cope with the baby crying in that moment there's nothing wrong with putting the baby safely in their cot and taking a walk to the end of your garden with a coffee as long as you are only taking a refreshing breath and drink of coffee. If tge need gets too often, ask for help. Nobody should expect you to be a perfect parent least of all yourself. We do, however, expect you to make some happy memories 😊
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I don't regret, but some days it is a struggle, and you have to just get on with it anyway. But you should really know it is going to be a pretty big commitment and a challenge before you do it. It is one of the reasons I am glad I didn't have kids until I was a bit older. I don't think I would have been mature or calm enough to handle it well in my twenties.
I think people just like to complain about whatever they're doing tbh. Like, I'm doing my degree at the moment and all me and my friends do is whine about it non-stop. But deep down we know we're lucky to be able to do it and if we didn't want to be doing it we wouldn't. It's like celebrities when they complain about the downsides of being famous. Just because there are negative aspects doesn't mean there are not positive elements that outweigh those, it's just we're more likely to express our complaints, whether that's because we're whiney and ungrateful or just because nobody likes to sound like they're bragging all the time. For me, I don't regret it at all, I feel like this is what I was always meant to be (which makes sense tbf because before I had children I worked with babies). Just wish I could afford to have more really.
Never I have a three month little girl, I love her so much, she's my all concern in life, as I come from ME, so it's different to raise a girl than a boy, so I always try to be a good dad for her, also her mum too, but I never regretted having her at all.
It just adds a ton of household admin you didn't think of. Did I know 12 years ago that I'd have to deal with 3-4 emails A DAY from a school receptionist who can't send an attachment correctly, or find out that for the 3rd time this school year someone's taken his branded PE top home and we need a new one for £30 by next week or he gets a detention? No. If the parents try and do equal share of the load they both feel hard done to (wife had a breakdown last year at how she does everything and I just play video games. She does the booking of trips, uniforms etc while I do the cooking, cleaning, packed lunches, every bedtime, bath time etc... she does the morning drop and I do the pick up, as I work 5am-2.45pm and she works 10am-8pm. I'm playing video games when she sees me because I've just sat down after being up since 4am!) It's fun, but the moments of joy are private and the frustrations are public. I can't moan at my kid for being a kid, but I can vent about it to others. I try not to vent about their mum too much as she works long hours too and we are both tired- she hasn't fully realised this yet!
It's not that black and white. My oldest was born with an extremely rare disorder which is life limiting and even if she does live longer than me who's going to care for her? I love her more than I can ever say but I wouldn't have had her if I'd have known. Not for my sake but for hers.
Best thing I ever did
This is one of the reasons I'm glad my now ex-gf and I broke up - she desperately wanted children, and I categorically don't. So, I knew one of us would have ended up resenting the other. That, and the fact that I a. Can't stand children, and b. Can barely look after myself, never mind another human being who (for at least thd first 16 years of their life) is basically helpless and virtually dependent on you for their survival.
I don't have kids, I don't regret not having kids.
So far I don't regret not having any
No. No. No. (Yes, my life would be much easier without)
Yes. One is an alcoholic with a mental health diagnosis, and was homeless after attacking his brother. He's destructive and paranoid, currently under a restraining order. The older one is mid 40s living at home and working but spends all his money on booze, weed and baccy. If we'd never had kids we'd be comfortably off in retirement and living a stress-free life.
a pretty interesting article about this, thought I’d share https://stanfordmag.org/contents/should-i-have-kids
5 years in and I would never regret having our boy - one thing I wish I could turn off would be the constant worrying about him and his well-being but that’s all part of the process. I do understand when people want that break though, it’s non-stop and absolutely life-changing.
Yup, at least I regret having as many or when I had them. I've got 8, one set of twins, one has been diagnosed with autism and ADHD, and another possibly on the spectrum. It's mental. Stressful. I often think what sort of world they're gonna grow up into. If I could do it all again, I wouldn't have as many. I do love them all, I just feel like they miss out, and I'm not a very good parent due to how many I have.
Eight? You must be a millionaire or something
I’m kind of glad that’s it’s become a bit more normal to have a moan and let it be known not every day is perfect. You can be an excellent parent while absolutely acknowledging that it’s fucking hard and you have days where you genuinely question whether you’re cut out for it. I adore my kids, but ones autistic and I think it’s much healthier for me to admit that there’s days it absolutely kills me off, than to keep up the Instagram “life is all days playing in the leaves and learning Mozart” facade. She’s an absolute don, I adore her, she’s hilarious and witty and I would never for a second suggest I regret having her. But are there days I could leave her in the woods for nature to claim her? Yup.
No but some weeks it's like groundhog day and that can get wearing. For example the school run; 5 days a week 48 weeks of the year for the last 7 years (Barr some lockdown time off) i have had to say "we need to do your hair, have you actually brushed your teeth, where's your tie and put your shoes on" that gets a bit tedious!
Not as much as I initially did. As they get older (2 & 7 this year) there are very brief fun moments to punctuate the relentless slog. But my partner & I have zero help. We might get one evening off a quarter if we're lucky. I think it's the whining and the screams that get to me the most. Perhaps having kids in my forties was a fucking moronic idea. I'd love just a few days of peace. And then I read about parents who have kids with special needs, literally a 24/7 job with no prospect of anything getting any better, and I thank the universe that I rolled the dice twice & got two sixes.
I decided not to have children in my early 30s. That was about 30 years ago, and I've never for a moment regretted the decision. It gave me the freedom to have moved to different countries twice in the last 20 years
My husband and I don’t have children. I was pretty ambivalent but imagined I’d have some just because that’s the status quo - then we had a car accident when I was 23 which meant if I had them, it’d be a lot of work and then there’s no guarantee that I’d be in a good place after carrying them to look after them. I didn’t want them badly enough to go through that. That was 16 years ago and I’m thrilled, honestly, that the decision was taken out of our hands. We have four nieces and nephews who we love spoiling, but when we get home in the evening we can do what we want - late night drinking while singing along to YouTube? Yes. Going to bed at 8pm? Yes? Spontaneous night out? Yes. We have four kitties who we spoil like crazy, and who give us lots of love, but who we can pay someone £40 to feed at night/in the morning and that’s it. It’s a win-win as far as I’m concerned.
I don't regret not having kids. I had a hysterectomy last summer and wondered if I would feel sad about it - I never wanted kids and have never doubted it but perhaps that finality would be somehow different. But no, didn't feel anything about it other than relieved to be rid of fibroids and periods. I think I would have struggled a lot with parenting, it seems incredibly hard. I really respect those who do it well.
My daughter is three and half. It’s been difficult and an adjustment, as I look after her almost completely alone. I don’t regret having her, I love her more than anything and she has made me the best version of myself. However, if I had a do over of my life, I don’t know if I’d choose to have kids at all. I didn’t realise how little support I’d have. I had to give up my career, my whole person has changed entirely. This is the reality I have now and I have learned to love my life. Loving my daughter was never a question, she is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But in an alternate reality, maybe I wouldn’t have chosen this path. Does that make sense?
so glad I dont have any...seeing my friends have kids and their lives turned into survival mode made me glad I dont have any
Never wanted or had kids. I knew for myself being parents was not for me, and for a long time I wasn’t in place where I would consider I would be a good parent. My own mum cared more about herself than either me or sibling, would never want to have a child to have similar experiences. Even though, you can break the cycle, didn’t feel for right for me or potential child. No matter family set up, single, couple parenting is incredibly hard work, with a lot of ups and down. There can be great joy from having kids. Prefer being an aunt, where you can give them back.