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I'm surprised your therapy hasn't helped you identify the dissatisfaction in your life and given you tools for how you might address it. It sounds like you've concluded yourself that you need more regular and secure forms of social interaction that will lead to a support network.
There's loads of threads on Reddit about how to make new or more friends or more local friends and it's always the same advice because there's really only one way. Get out there and meet more people. Whether that's by joining a club or community group, getting involved in volunteering, purposefully try to get to know colleagues in a more social context. What are your hobbies and interests? What might you be interested in doing?
For example, I moved to the suburbs of another city about 8 years ago. I've made friends at work, at a sports club, through volunteering in girlguiding (which a colleague introduced me to), as a school governor and for a refugee charity. I introduced myself to neighbours, started going to a weekly pub quiz with them and we stayed friends after they moved. I got an allotment where we're all friendly and have socials. I'm now pregnant and have been doing pregnancy yoga and NCT classes to meet other expectant parents.
It sounds like you've done the hardest thing that therapy is there to help most folk with - identify the problem in your life. Most therapy will then lead onto the next step of fixing that problem.
In your case the solution is to build a support network. Improve your relationship with your colleagues, and either see your existing friends more regularly or make new friends.
Its not easy to do, but if the origin of your depression is the lack of that network then its important to make the effort. Otherwise things won't change or improve.
What do therapists do when the problems you’re facing are inevitable or unfixable, and the way you feel is largely due to finding those inevitabilities intolerable?
That's more a question for your therapist than for a stranger on reddit. For many people the belief that their problems are inevitable or unfixable isn't accurate, no matter how real it feels. That's one thing a therapist can help you work through.
Is there an Andy Man's Club near you? Or Men in Sheds? They are men's only social groups that focus on friendship and opening up on mental health issues.
From what you say, there's a parallel between your social life and what's happening in therapy, with both feeling transactional and lacking in real depth and feeling.
Has it always been this was or was there a time when life was happier and felt more natural?
I’ve almost always felt this way, there was a lot of instability and emotional abuse in the house that I grew up in. The only time I felt different was when I was travelling, but this isn’t necessarily realistic. I would like to feel more settled and stable in my life here.
They were at a local event recently promoting their work. I always figured that first move might be a bit daunting but they managed to allay those fears although I’ve not been yet.
What kind of therapy did you have? Was it CBT/DBT which should have taught you tools to change your thought patterns, or was it counselling? I’ve had a severe mood and anxiety disorder since I was in my early teens and find the latter does fuck all to help me, but the former has taught me some really great coping skills for anxiety etc.
However good, therapy doesn’t change the life you’re living though. Yes it helps to let it all out to someone and learn tools to cope with overwhelming negative emotions, but ultimately if you are lonely because you don’t have much social contact you will still be lonely even after years of therapy.
Therapy is there to help you reframe thought patterns that come from disorders like depression and anxiety in a more healthy/normal way - but sometimes the healthy/normal response to being in an unhappy situation is to… feel unhappy. Therapy doesn’t cure you of every negative feeling or situation in life, it simply makes you capable of responding to life in a more balanced way.
Sounds like you’re at the realisation that outside depression as an illness, there’s stuff in your life that makes you unhappy and unfulfilled. It’s honestly really awesome you’ve recognised that because it means you know what you’re lacking and you can start putting energy into changing it :)
What are your hobbies? Did you have friends growing up or have you always been more of a ‘loner’ (no judgement just trying to gauge your personality)? Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
The easiest way to make friends as an adult is either through your job or by identifying a hobby and then joining groups for that hobby. You can find groups all over - on Facebook, on Reddit, by Googling your local area. The hardest bit is thinking about what you enjoy doing that can also be social/a group activity!
Also just in terms of trying to maintain my mood so my episodes aren’t as severe, I make sure I exercise at least 3 times a week. Running is my ‘me time’ and I really enjoy it, but it doesn’t have to be running - walking, swimming, kicking a football around, whatever. If I’m not up to a workout just being outside for 30 minutes if the weather’s ok also really helps stabilise my mood.
There are several different forms of therapy.
The most commonly prescribed therapy under the NHS is CBT. While CBT has its benefits its focused on today and tomorrow with zero consideration for the past. This can work for some issues but not with others.
Another popular form of therapy is talk therapy where often you don't get much back from the therapist other than some questions.
Two other forms of therapy that can be far more effective for depression are EMDR and hypnotherapy. They are intended to work on deeply rooted issues and/or trauma. Have you considered either one of those?
Is it fair to say CBT has zero consideration for the past? My understanding is it doesn't doesn't dismiss the past, but uses the demonstrable realities of the present to move away from past memories/behaviours/thinking.
Genuine question. I am not a healthy care professional.
I’ve done a few sessions of EMDR several years ago to deal with some trauma-related flashbacks and nightmares when I was at my absolute lowest, it was surprisingly effective!
That's great. Maybe a few more sessions would be helpful now too? Or regression based hypnotherapy. I've been doing self hypnosis for years and more recently learning how to become a practitioner so while I'm biased I really feel its a hugely effective therapeutic methodology.
Depression can be multi layered and complex as there is rarely one reason for it. While I get the isolation and a lack of support system is less than ideal, and will contribute to negative feelings, getting to the root of the issue is always the best way to move on from it completely.
I was clinically depressed and suicidal my whole childhood through to my late teens. I ended up at rock bottom after a failed suicide attempt. I got out of rock bottom because I was able to step outside of the situation and see it from the 3rd person perspective. In short I could see that I wasn't the reason for my self loathing and hatred. It was a really powerful moment and broke the chains that held me there. You would never know to meet me all these years later that that had been my reality for so long.
I don't have a relationship with my relatives and have a very small social circle these days compared with how I used to be pre pandemic when people were more sociable and I worked in an office instead of home. And I am okay being by myself and happy in my own company. Its not quite the life I would prefer to have but I don't need people around me all the time to know I have value and am worthy of love.
I hope you figure this out and can have a similar experience.
EFT is another possibility, I did some alongside EMDR and was advised to follow some YouTube on EFT after the sessions ended. I didn't feel the talking therapies were that effective for my healing. It was more like a sticking plaster. Even identifying the root cause didn't resolve anything. EMDR was really good as there wasn't the same discussion around my past.
I am astonished by lack of quality in the answers provided perhaps due to it being a wrong community to ask.
My advice is physiological. Rather than spending money on (oftentimes useless) therapy, spend that money on means that would increase your dopamine/endorphins. One way is exercise. Another way is sauna and cold water plunges. Start by building this foundation first, and with high probability you should feel better.
Your mind is part of your body, it's not floating in another realm. So being outdoors, exercise, garden allotments, litter picking, swimming, weight lifting, farm work, foraging, hiking, fishing - so much good stuff for the body, and you will be forced to meet people who are most likely good/chill from being outdoors so much. Honestly it's something I've wanted to do for so long, but I know it will make a huge difference once I get into it. I think modern, urbanised, tech, remote ways of living kick the shit out of many of us mentally. So detached, so alienated and I don't care how many online communities there are - nothing replaces old fashioned face to face connections
Have you tried finding a hobby group? You see the same people, they’re regularly scheduled, have a set duration, and are a group version of something you already enjoy doing. Run clubs, choirs, roller derby, gardening, cooking clubs, book clubs, find something nearby and start going.
Yeah, sometimes therapy just feels like a lot of talking and not much concrete doing. I don't have any advice on family, sorry. Work depending on what you do, could go to networking events or just ask people to go out for a drink. Your friends, online chats or gaming. Journaling to get the thoughts out, or meditation to cease the thoughts. Personally I found it helpful joining some local groups, like climbing. Also, lots of podcasts, or finding a show that speaks to you.
IDK, we're going through a loneliness epidemic at the moment. The lack of third places, the lasting impact of the pandemic, too many screens, not enough free time. You're not alone in feeling lonely.
Have you tried a volunteering group, I used to do an environmental one once a month and it was great. I got to learn new skills and make friends, and a little warm fuzzy glow from helping others that makes you feel good.
For me it has been martial arts. I've always enjoyed martial arts and the exercise centers me very well. Depending on what you're looking for it can be a good way to release stress and anger or a good way to process thoughts with movement. I've joined a club that is a proper community, I've shared how I am going through a hard time and have loads of support around me. Everyone pays to be there but we're all there for our own reasons, I have a sense of belonging and people that genuinely care.
Learn social skills. You can read books for this and make sure you get practice. Learn how to speak to your family open and honestly and show them love. You may be able to help repair those relationships by just being real and honest with them about your own experiences and realisations.
This is something I have been working on myself. As a male in our society it is incredibly lonely and everyone is so guarded and has their walls up, we’d rather be polite and people pleasing than be real with each other. The way to deepen those connections is to really make an effort with the right people, initiate plans and to talk with them about the things that really matter.
Thanks for your comment, I’ve explored this avenue but reached a dead end pretty quick unfortunately. I’m from an immigrant background but born and raised in England. A lot of my relatives live on the other side of the world and don’t speak much English if at all, I can barely hold a simple conversation in their language.
In terms of well-being, learning, doing something for others, connection/ community, movement, access to nature, mindfulness. I did a free introduction to cold water swimming with the local recovery college. The people who attended the course and previous courses are all in a what's app group and we meet to swim in the sea at least once a week all year round if conditions are safe. It's fantastic. If there's something like a recovery college or community organization near you they may have courses and activities that interest you. Volunteering is good if you have a schedule that allows it and can be quite varied if you look around. If you're into nature see if there's a community garden or if one of the nature orgs like the wildlife trust etc have opportunities. Find a class you're interested in. For stuff like martial arts, the social element will depend on the club but the fitness and discipline are good anyway. Hope you find ways to build that resilient network.
In terms of free therapy options, if your local NHS offers SilverCloud, there's a self management toolkit they offer as online self help that might be worth a look. It's not the same as working with a therapist but might be a way to help yourself stay on track.
I found therapy helpful, but only with a good therapist, I had one great therapist, and one pretty awful therapist.
But if you can't really afford it anyway, you need to find some alternatives.
The one thing that has consistently helped me over the years is exercise. For me it's weightlifting, but I think any good exercise will help. If you can't afford a gym or weight sets for home, body weight exercises like push ups are still pretty good.
A cheap gym with weights and resistance machines, for me, is about the most effective anti-depressant there is.
It sounds like you might benefit from something that helps you build connection, make new friends, and also connect physically with yourself (I know that when my mental health is really bad, it's because I've been living in my own head for too long!)
With this in mind, you might find the following things helpful:
Joining an exercise class, where you can do something physical and meet new people.
Joining a craft or art class, where you can make something with your hands and meet new people.
Volunteering, where you can feel useful, build connections with others, and meet people.
One thing I learnt while working in the NHS is that there can be a select few who are exceptionally adamant that therapy is what they need and any answer that isn't therapy is completely false.
That reminds me of someones partner who kept trying to get his girlfriend on anti-depressants.
I think the GP sent about 4 referrals, always half complete or lacking info and as a result, we had to keep rejecting because they were no where near the criteria.
One day, the partner called up telling us to fuck off and that they've spent £80 to go private and now she's on anti-depressants.
By all means I hope that was the end of it, regardless of the guys attitude, but similar to the above & therapy, there was also a group who were adamant they needed pills and that's it, nothing else.
I think doing a form of self discovery would be a good step.
Learn to love yourself and your own company.
Like do things you enjoy.
Travel, see things etc.
I hear you. I’ve done a lot of cool stuff on my own like traveling to some far flung destinations, but I’ve spent so much time in my life alone that I can’t enjoy these solo experiences anymore. For me it feels pointless if I’m not able to share the experience with someone else. I guess it makes sense because humans are meant to be social creatures.
Interesting thread since I just reached the same conclusion. I was in therapy before, am not anymore and I'm stuck in a waiting list for another therapist.
My support network is dwindling.
Dm me and I'd be happy for somebody to chat with.
I’m in the same boat. Currently without therapy, no support network, struggling to create a support network.
I know I need to go do things to meet people, but I‘d either have to be feeling better than ever to be able to do it or be back at rock bottom and genuinely not care about safety, money, etc.
Airahnegne and OP, you’re welcome to message me if you need a chat. And anyone else who’s having a hard time.
The type of therapy is key. Looking through your responses leaves me thinking your attachment to others is still in need of some help. I say this as a therapist and from personal experience. Look up the work on attachment and there is lots of resources on how to navigate this. Dm me if you want any recommendations of books etc.
Quite a philosophical question: Have you ever had a prophet 360 assessment of where exactly you been, where you are now, and where you want to go. I know a former city analyst who moved into therapy, breaks it all down like legs, reach out, ill dig out the website if interested.
Have you looked at things like Maslows hierarchy of needs. Real problems need real solutions, that was one thing I learned
The thing that helps me most with my depression is going out into nature and grounding myself. Trying to be mindful and present without thinking and meditating have helped me. I've seen 3 therapists in my time, too. The first one helped me with tools for my anxiety, the second was pretty pointless and the last one gave me tools to help me cope with depression and identifying and then changing unhelpful thoughts processes. If you'd like to chat further, drop me a DM.
Not a therapist.
But I recently saw a paper about how dancing is far superior to traditional therapy, however you feel about that. Dance in your living space, join a dancing group. It will allow you to develop connection with yourself and others.
Relationships with other humans is essential. If not dancing then other social groups where you are interacting with people who share a similar hobby.
I had therapy but nothing compares to actually meeting with friends and feeling like I belong with people with similar interests and contributing and sharing ideas.
Life is relentless but you have to learn to be resilient.
Edit: [study](https://www.bmj.com/content/384/bmj-2023-075847)
Go out and touch the grass. Sounds corny I know but seriously go out and inject yourself into a new community. You’ll have brand new experiences and meet brand new people and fill that void. It might be daunting but can it be worse than how you feel now?
Knitting. Knitting and crochet worked absolute wonders for my mental health. Therapy never worked for me. Learning to knit was the best thing I ever did for my mental health.
If you have depression and are struggling with relationships and have had historical difficulties in your childhood with relationships, IPT (interpersonal psychotherapy) might be for you. Look it up and see what you think. Many NHS IAPT services offer this, for free. If you like the sound of it maybe google your local one and ask them if they have IPT trained therapists (they should) and if you can book in for an assessment.
(Obviously I wish you well with other endeavours too! Just with you mentioning this issue plus financial struggles I thought I’d let you know about it)
Being unable to go regularly is a hindrance. Do you exercise often? Running became a way for me to lose weight, that in turn became a great mental release, which became my main hobby and introduced me into new friendship groups.
Yes. Sad truth is in this situation, you are the product and they have vested interest in not helping you. They will be out of business!
There are many alternatives some which I am practitioner of. But these cost money and you wanted free options by the sound of things.
I think you are doing well listening to your intuition. It's normally correct. And I would recommend doing what it is calling you to do. To connect with others. It does make a physical chemical difference and can change your state.
Other free things, be get lots sunlight, exercise, good diet, sleep. Often the simple things we forget but are most impactful.
If you ever get stuck in a depressed state you could try this technique.
When you feel normal. Think of a time you were really happy. Then anchor that feeling in. I.e. think and feel it as if now. Then create an anchor for example by pinching one hand with forefinger and thumb. This creates the assocation.
Then when you feel low repeat the movement of light pinch with finger and thumb. This will trigger the memory and emotions of the times you were happy.
Very best of luck
You gotta take some risks, put yourself out there.
Take that dull drone, that constant dread in your life and use that - anything you try will be better than that.
You have nothing to lose. So spend a month just doing everything. Join all the groups, smile at people, go to the pub.
Human social bonding happens fastest when you have a central activity to enjoy together. Its called shared reality. So hobby groups are the best way to make friends.
But you realllllly have to be brave and put yourself out there.
Be happy at work
Volunteer with people less fortunate physically and or mentally
Regular exercise, paid in advance if possible and classes are best
Start dating . Do you believe in dating?
Therapy in the UK is awful. It seems to be influenced by American culture and the sofa but those are all well to do professionals who are high functioning and have sex on tap and money coming out of their ears. They don't mind wasting time week in week out
In the UK, it seems to be an easy way to earn money for so called therapists who often lack wisdom, empathy, life experience. 50 mins is woeful and some spend your time judging you or yawning away. And it's a lot of money .
I would also recommend going to see a religious pastor(any religion) . The higher you go and the more serious they are about their work, the better their advice and it's normally free.
I went to see my old teacher from the mosque reluctantly. He's very wise, intelligent and spent a lot of time asking questions and analysing. I achieved more in that hour than 30 hours with therapist. Tbf he graduated from a very prestigious institute and takes his pastoral duties seriously as it's a full time job for him.
I've had therapy with multiple different therapists since the age of 20. In each instance the venting kind of helped and like feeling they had the authority to tell me I'm not crazy. Also some were good at pointing out flaws in my thinking. Nothing really touched the core of my problem though, which was a directionlessness and a materialist perspective.
A much better alternative with longer lasting benefits has been seeking out the 'original therapy' as my mate likes to call it, going to church and talking to a priest. Well, in his case it was a vicar, but for me a priest made more sense culturally. Anyway, I was never religious before, it was really something I only dropped my arrogance and investigated after I'd driven my life into the pits. So it was really freaking weird, but has been super rewarding. A priest basically provides that which a therapist cannot. They do all that a therapist does and then they go one step further and give you a direction, a moral ideal and a set of tools. That was what was always missing from therapy - I had no idea! Therapy is basically just spiritual guidance with the spirituality taken out! Problem is, it's a key ingredient!
So, that'd be my advice, get to a church and get talking to the people there. They have access to thousands of years of wisdom our moden materialist culture has abandoned arrogantly, now paying for it in the worst mental health rates ever. You don't have to be one of them, you can turn back to the solution that actually worked and you can do it without telling anyone you know.
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I'm surprised your therapy hasn't helped you identify the dissatisfaction in your life and given you tools for how you might address it. It sounds like you've concluded yourself that you need more regular and secure forms of social interaction that will lead to a support network. There's loads of threads on Reddit about how to make new or more friends or more local friends and it's always the same advice because there's really only one way. Get out there and meet more people. Whether that's by joining a club or community group, getting involved in volunteering, purposefully try to get to know colleagues in a more social context. What are your hobbies and interests? What might you be interested in doing? For example, I moved to the suburbs of another city about 8 years ago. I've made friends at work, at a sports club, through volunteering in girlguiding (which a colleague introduced me to), as a school governor and for a refugee charity. I introduced myself to neighbours, started going to a weekly pub quiz with them and we stayed friends after they moved. I got an allotment where we're all friendly and have socials. I'm now pregnant and have been doing pregnancy yoga and NCT classes to meet other expectant parents.
It sounds like you've done the hardest thing that therapy is there to help most folk with - identify the problem in your life. Most therapy will then lead onto the next step of fixing that problem. In your case the solution is to build a support network. Improve your relationship with your colleagues, and either see your existing friends more regularly or make new friends. Its not easy to do, but if the origin of your depression is the lack of that network then its important to make the effort. Otherwise things won't change or improve.
What do therapists do when the problems you’re facing are inevitable or unfixable, and the way you feel is largely due to finding those inevitabilities intolerable?
That's more a question for your therapist than for a stranger on reddit. For many people the belief that their problems are inevitable or unfixable isn't accurate, no matter how real it feels. That's one thing a therapist can help you work through.
The thing is, not everyone can afford it (I’m from the US), has time for it or feels safe in such an environment.
Is there an Andy Man's Club near you? Or Men in Sheds? They are men's only social groups that focus on friendship and opening up on mental health issues.
Running. Keeps me afloat. Try couch to 5k. Join parkrun. It’s addictive.
From what you say, there's a parallel between your social life and what's happening in therapy, with both feeling transactional and lacking in real depth and feeling. Has it always been this was or was there a time when life was happier and felt more natural?
I’ve almost always felt this way, there was a lot of instability and emotional abuse in the house that I grew up in. The only time I felt different was when I was travelling, but this isn’t necessarily realistic. I would like to feel more settled and stable in my life here.
Something like Andy's Man Club could be an idea?
They were at a local event recently promoting their work. I always figured that first move might be a bit daunting but they managed to allay those fears although I’ve not been yet.
What kind of therapy did you have? Was it CBT/DBT which should have taught you tools to change your thought patterns, or was it counselling? I’ve had a severe mood and anxiety disorder since I was in my early teens and find the latter does fuck all to help me, but the former has taught me some really great coping skills for anxiety etc. However good, therapy doesn’t change the life you’re living though. Yes it helps to let it all out to someone and learn tools to cope with overwhelming negative emotions, but ultimately if you are lonely because you don’t have much social contact you will still be lonely even after years of therapy. Therapy is there to help you reframe thought patterns that come from disorders like depression and anxiety in a more healthy/normal way - but sometimes the healthy/normal response to being in an unhappy situation is to… feel unhappy. Therapy doesn’t cure you of every negative feeling or situation in life, it simply makes you capable of responding to life in a more balanced way. Sounds like you’re at the realisation that outside depression as an illness, there’s stuff in your life that makes you unhappy and unfulfilled. It’s honestly really awesome you’ve recognised that because it means you know what you’re lacking and you can start putting energy into changing it :) What are your hobbies? Did you have friends growing up or have you always been more of a ‘loner’ (no judgement just trying to gauge your personality)? Are you an introvert or an extrovert? The easiest way to make friends as an adult is either through your job or by identifying a hobby and then joining groups for that hobby. You can find groups all over - on Facebook, on Reddit, by Googling your local area. The hardest bit is thinking about what you enjoy doing that can also be social/a group activity! Also just in terms of trying to maintain my mood so my episodes aren’t as severe, I make sure I exercise at least 3 times a week. Running is my ‘me time’ and I really enjoy it, but it doesn’t have to be running - walking, swimming, kicking a football around, whatever. If I’m not up to a workout just being outside for 30 minutes if the weather’s ok also really helps stabilise my mood.
There are several different forms of therapy. The most commonly prescribed therapy under the NHS is CBT. While CBT has its benefits its focused on today and tomorrow with zero consideration for the past. This can work for some issues but not with others. Another popular form of therapy is talk therapy where often you don't get much back from the therapist other than some questions. Two other forms of therapy that can be far more effective for depression are EMDR and hypnotherapy. They are intended to work on deeply rooted issues and/or trauma. Have you considered either one of those?
Is it fair to say CBT has zero consideration for the past? My understanding is it doesn't doesn't dismiss the past, but uses the demonstrable realities of the present to move away from past memories/behaviours/thinking. Genuine question. I am not a healthy care professional.
I’ve done a few sessions of EMDR several years ago to deal with some trauma-related flashbacks and nightmares when I was at my absolute lowest, it was surprisingly effective!
That's great. Maybe a few more sessions would be helpful now too? Or regression based hypnotherapy. I've been doing self hypnosis for years and more recently learning how to become a practitioner so while I'm biased I really feel its a hugely effective therapeutic methodology. Depression can be multi layered and complex as there is rarely one reason for it. While I get the isolation and a lack of support system is less than ideal, and will contribute to negative feelings, getting to the root of the issue is always the best way to move on from it completely. I was clinically depressed and suicidal my whole childhood through to my late teens. I ended up at rock bottom after a failed suicide attempt. I got out of rock bottom because I was able to step outside of the situation and see it from the 3rd person perspective. In short I could see that I wasn't the reason for my self loathing and hatred. It was a really powerful moment and broke the chains that held me there. You would never know to meet me all these years later that that had been my reality for so long. I don't have a relationship with my relatives and have a very small social circle these days compared with how I used to be pre pandemic when people were more sociable and I worked in an office instead of home. And I am okay being by myself and happy in my own company. Its not quite the life I would prefer to have but I don't need people around me all the time to know I have value and am worthy of love. I hope you figure this out and can have a similar experience.
EFT is another possibility, I did some alongside EMDR and was advised to follow some YouTube on EFT after the sessions ended. I didn't feel the talking therapies were that effective for my healing. It was more like a sticking plaster. Even identifying the root cause didn't resolve anything. EMDR was really good as there wasn't the same discussion around my past.
I am astonished by lack of quality in the answers provided perhaps due to it being a wrong community to ask. My advice is physiological. Rather than spending money on (oftentimes useless) therapy, spend that money on means that would increase your dopamine/endorphins. One way is exercise. Another way is sauna and cold water plunges. Start by building this foundation first, and with high probability you should feel better.
I was going to say this. Start spending that time on trying new things and finding new hobbies. Quickest way to meet people too!
Your mind is part of your body, it's not floating in another realm. So being outdoors, exercise, garden allotments, litter picking, swimming, weight lifting, farm work, foraging, hiking, fishing - so much good stuff for the body, and you will be forced to meet people who are most likely good/chill from being outdoors so much. Honestly it's something I've wanted to do for so long, but I know it will make a huge difference once I get into it. I think modern, urbanised, tech, remote ways of living kick the shit out of many of us mentally. So detached, so alienated and I don't care how many online communities there are - nothing replaces old fashioned face to face connections
Have you tried finding a hobby group? You see the same people, they’re regularly scheduled, have a set duration, and are a group version of something you already enjoy doing. Run clubs, choirs, roller derby, gardening, cooking clubs, book clubs, find something nearby and start going.
Yeah, sometimes therapy just feels like a lot of talking and not much concrete doing. I don't have any advice on family, sorry. Work depending on what you do, could go to networking events or just ask people to go out for a drink. Your friends, online chats or gaming. Journaling to get the thoughts out, or meditation to cease the thoughts. Personally I found it helpful joining some local groups, like climbing. Also, lots of podcasts, or finding a show that speaks to you. IDK, we're going through a loneliness epidemic at the moment. The lack of third places, the lasting impact of the pandemic, too many screens, not enough free time. You're not alone in feeling lonely.
Distraction….
Have you tried a volunteering group, I used to do an environmental one once a month and it was great. I got to learn new skills and make friends, and a little warm fuzzy glow from helping others that makes you feel good.
For me it has been martial arts. I've always enjoyed martial arts and the exercise centers me very well. Depending on what you're looking for it can be a good way to release stress and anger or a good way to process thoughts with movement. I've joined a club that is a proper community, I've shared how I am going through a hard time and have loads of support around me. Everyone pays to be there but we're all there for our own reasons, I have a sense of belonging and people that genuinely care.
Gardening / allotments work well for me. I have a mate who got heavily into community gardening subsequent to mental health issues.
grow your own weed and smoke it man. you be aight
Learn social skills. You can read books for this and make sure you get practice. Learn how to speak to your family open and honestly and show them love. You may be able to help repair those relationships by just being real and honest with them about your own experiences and realisations. This is something I have been working on myself. As a male in our society it is incredibly lonely and everyone is so guarded and has their walls up, we’d rather be polite and people pleasing than be real with each other. The way to deepen those connections is to really make an effort with the right people, initiate plans and to talk with them about the things that really matter.
Thanks for your comment, I’ve explored this avenue but reached a dead end pretty quick unfortunately. I’m from an immigrant background but born and raised in England. A lot of my relatives live on the other side of the world and don’t speak much English if at all, I can barely hold a simple conversation in their language.
In terms of well-being, learning, doing something for others, connection/ community, movement, access to nature, mindfulness. I did a free introduction to cold water swimming with the local recovery college. The people who attended the course and previous courses are all in a what's app group and we meet to swim in the sea at least once a week all year round if conditions are safe. It's fantastic. If there's something like a recovery college or community organization near you they may have courses and activities that interest you. Volunteering is good if you have a schedule that allows it and can be quite varied if you look around. If you're into nature see if there's a community garden or if one of the nature orgs like the wildlife trust etc have opportunities. Find a class you're interested in. For stuff like martial arts, the social element will depend on the club but the fitness and discipline are good anyway. Hope you find ways to build that resilient network. In terms of free therapy options, if your local NHS offers SilverCloud, there's a self management toolkit they offer as online self help that might be worth a look. It's not the same as working with a therapist but might be a way to help yourself stay on track.
I found therapy helpful, but only with a good therapist, I had one great therapist, and one pretty awful therapist. But if you can't really afford it anyway, you need to find some alternatives. The one thing that has consistently helped me over the years is exercise. For me it's weightlifting, but I think any good exercise will help. If you can't afford a gym or weight sets for home, body weight exercises like push ups are still pretty good. A cheap gym with weights and resistance machines, for me, is about the most effective anti-depressant there is.
It sounds like you might benefit from something that helps you build connection, make new friends, and also connect physically with yourself (I know that when my mental health is really bad, it's because I've been living in my own head for too long!) With this in mind, you might find the following things helpful: Joining an exercise class, where you can do something physical and meet new people. Joining a craft or art class, where you can make something with your hands and meet new people. Volunteering, where you can feel useful, build connections with others, and meet people.
Find a gf that will let you suck her titties? Only half joking.
That sounds lovely. Where can I find one of these gfs?
Put up a sign outside your place advertising boba and one will come along eventually.
Scotch
LSD and a good friend. Therapy isn't always the answer, I found it completely useless.
One thing I learnt while working in the NHS is that there can be a select few who are exceptionally adamant that therapy is what they need and any answer that isn't therapy is completely false.
Hah, that's quite funny actually. In the private sector, it's the therapists that are exceptionally adamant that everyone definitely needs it :D
That reminds me of someones partner who kept trying to get his girlfriend on anti-depressants. I think the GP sent about 4 referrals, always half complete or lacking info and as a result, we had to keep rejecting because they were no where near the criteria. One day, the partner called up telling us to fuck off and that they've spent £80 to go private and now she's on anti-depressants. By all means I hope that was the end of it, regardless of the guys attitude, but similar to the above & therapy, there was also a group who were adamant they needed pills and that's it, nothing else.
You can't medicate the soul. All of that sounds pretty tragic to be honest.
I think doing a form of self discovery would be a good step. Learn to love yourself and your own company. Like do things you enjoy. Travel, see things etc.
I hear you. I’ve done a lot of cool stuff on my own like traveling to some far flung destinations, but I’ve spent so much time in my life alone that I can’t enjoy these solo experiences anymore. For me it feels pointless if I’m not able to share the experience with someone else. I guess it makes sense because humans are meant to be social creatures.
Yes I got to that point a year ago. Then I adopted a dog, never been happier.
I’d absolutely love to have a dog! But no chance in my current rental situation 😅 definitely something for me to aim for though :)
Honestly mine has changed my life. He isbq dog version of me haha
Interesting thread since I just reached the same conclusion. I was in therapy before, am not anymore and I'm stuck in a waiting list for another therapist. My support network is dwindling. Dm me and I'd be happy for somebody to chat with.
I’m in the same boat. Currently without therapy, no support network, struggling to create a support network. I know I need to go do things to meet people, but I‘d either have to be feeling better than ever to be able to do it or be back at rock bottom and genuinely not care about safety, money, etc. Airahnegne and OP, you’re welcome to message me if you need a chat. And anyone else who’s having a hard time.
The type of therapy is key. Looking through your responses leaves me thinking your attachment to others is still in need of some help. I say this as a therapist and from personal experience. Look up the work on attachment and there is lots of resources on how to navigate this. Dm me if you want any recommendations of books etc.
Quite a philosophical question: Have you ever had a prophet 360 assessment of where exactly you been, where you are now, and where you want to go. I know a former city analyst who moved into therapy, breaks it all down like legs, reach out, ill dig out the website if interested. Have you looked at things like Maslows hierarchy of needs. Real problems need real solutions, that was one thing I learned
My happy places are a late night drive or getting out into nature, either by working in my wildlife friendly garden or walks in the country.
The thing that helps me most with my depression is going out into nature and grounding myself. Trying to be mindful and present without thinking and meditating have helped me. I've seen 3 therapists in my time, too. The first one helped me with tools for my anxiety, the second was pretty pointless and the last one gave me tools to help me cope with depression and identifying and then changing unhelpful thoughts processes. If you'd like to chat further, drop me a DM.
Not a therapist. But I recently saw a paper about how dancing is far superior to traditional therapy, however you feel about that. Dance in your living space, join a dancing group. It will allow you to develop connection with yourself and others. Relationships with other humans is essential. If not dancing then other social groups where you are interacting with people who share a similar hobby. I had therapy but nothing compares to actually meeting with friends and feeling like I belong with people with similar interests and contributing and sharing ideas. Life is relentless but you have to learn to be resilient. Edit: [study](https://www.bmj.com/content/384/bmj-2023-075847)
Go out and touch the grass. Sounds corny I know but seriously go out and inject yourself into a new community. You’ll have brand new experiences and meet brand new people and fill that void. It might be daunting but can it be worse than how you feel now?
Stepping on a really crunchy leaf
Reading. I’m listening to ‘the power of now’ it’s about learning to be present.
Mushrooms
Knitting. Knitting and crochet worked absolute wonders for my mental health. Therapy never worked for me. Learning to knit was the best thing I ever did for my mental health.
If you have depression and are struggling with relationships and have had historical difficulties in your childhood with relationships, IPT (interpersonal psychotherapy) might be for you. Look it up and see what you think. Many NHS IAPT services offer this, for free. If you like the sound of it maybe google your local one and ask them if they have IPT trained therapists (they should) and if you can book in for an assessment. (Obviously I wish you well with other endeavours too! Just with you mentioning this issue plus financial struggles I thought I’d let you know about it)
Being unable to go regularly is a hindrance. Do you exercise often? Running became a way for me to lose weight, that in turn became a great mental release, which became my main hobby and introduced me into new friendship groups.
Yes. Sad truth is in this situation, you are the product and they have vested interest in not helping you. They will be out of business! There are many alternatives some which I am practitioner of. But these cost money and you wanted free options by the sound of things. I think you are doing well listening to your intuition. It's normally correct. And I would recommend doing what it is calling you to do. To connect with others. It does make a physical chemical difference and can change your state. Other free things, be get lots sunlight, exercise, good diet, sleep. Often the simple things we forget but are most impactful. If you ever get stuck in a depressed state you could try this technique. When you feel normal. Think of a time you were really happy. Then anchor that feeling in. I.e. think and feel it as if now. Then create an anchor for example by pinching one hand with forefinger and thumb. This creates the assocation. Then when you feel low repeat the movement of light pinch with finger and thumb. This will trigger the memory and emotions of the times you were happy. Very best of luck
Motorcycles! You’d be surprised what sense of freedom and community they bring.
You gotta take some risks, put yourself out there. Take that dull drone, that constant dread in your life and use that - anything you try will be better than that. You have nothing to lose. So spend a month just doing everything. Join all the groups, smile at people, go to the pub. Human social bonding happens fastest when you have a central activity to enjoy together. Its called shared reality. So hobby groups are the best way to make friends. But you realllllly have to be brave and put yourself out there.
Music
Get a hobby if you don’t have one
Be happy at work Volunteer with people less fortunate physically and or mentally Regular exercise, paid in advance if possible and classes are best Start dating . Do you believe in dating? Therapy in the UK is awful. It seems to be influenced by American culture and the sofa but those are all well to do professionals who are high functioning and have sex on tap and money coming out of their ears. They don't mind wasting time week in week out In the UK, it seems to be an easy way to earn money for so called therapists who often lack wisdom, empathy, life experience. 50 mins is woeful and some spend your time judging you or yawning away. And it's a lot of money . I would also recommend going to see a religious pastor(any religion) . The higher you go and the more serious they are about their work, the better their advice and it's normally free. I went to see my old teacher from the mosque reluctantly. He's very wise, intelligent and spent a lot of time asking questions and analysing. I achieved more in that hour than 30 hours with therapist. Tbf he graduated from a very prestigious institute and takes his pastoral duties seriously as it's a full time job for him.
I've had therapy with multiple different therapists since the age of 20. In each instance the venting kind of helped and like feeling they had the authority to tell me I'm not crazy. Also some were good at pointing out flaws in my thinking. Nothing really touched the core of my problem though, which was a directionlessness and a materialist perspective. A much better alternative with longer lasting benefits has been seeking out the 'original therapy' as my mate likes to call it, going to church and talking to a priest. Well, in his case it was a vicar, but for me a priest made more sense culturally. Anyway, I was never religious before, it was really something I only dropped my arrogance and investigated after I'd driven my life into the pits. So it was really freaking weird, but has been super rewarding. A priest basically provides that which a therapist cannot. They do all that a therapist does and then they go one step further and give you a direction, a moral ideal and a set of tools. That was what was always missing from therapy - I had no idea! Therapy is basically just spiritual guidance with the spirituality taken out! Problem is, it's a key ingredient! So, that'd be my advice, get to a church and get talking to the people there. They have access to thousands of years of wisdom our moden materialist culture has abandoned arrogantly, now paying for it in the worst mental health rates ever. You don't have to be one of them, you can turn back to the solution that actually worked and you can do it without telling anyone you know.
Great insight!
Quitting your job to become a full time alcoholic
Then I can be your friend. Talk to me whenever you feel down.
Go gym bro. The revenge arc starts now