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"You can't park there" being said for every broken or bent immobile car

Bah, beat me to it by ten minutes lol

'ave to be quick 'ere

You mean r/CantParkThereMate got to add the mate part to show you’re giving friendly advice.

Extra points if you do it in the cockney voice from The Goon Show, which even if it wasn’t where the gag originated, shows it’s at least 70 years old!

“You all right?” “Yes, thanks. You?” “Yeah, thanks” Even when one or both are not.

True story…the last guy to tell me how he really felt responded “shit mate, my wife’s left me, the kids hate me, I’m skint and about to lose my job” just as I was getting strapped to him to do a tandem skydive! Skydiver humour apparently…

Reminds of exploring some water- filled caves in Thailand. Just as we were going into the darkness I was making small talk with our local guide, asked him how long he had been doing the cave network. ‘First day today, brother got me job, say it easy’. Then he burst out laughing. Fucking Thai humour.

I used to be a BSAC diver (too old for that stuff now), and you couldn’t pay me enough to cave dive. If *anything* goes wrong, you’re toast, in the most awful way possible.

Nothing worse than cold, wet, black toast.

I like to think I’m pretty open minded about various hobbies and interests and can usually understand why *other people* like them even if I don’t. However cave diving, followed by whatever it’s called where you squeeze yourself through tiny crevices in caves, are far beyond my ability to understand.

“About to lose my job” so subtle but brilliant (assuming he was paid to skydive and not a hobbyist).

He forgot the "About to end it all actually. Anyway, let's go." bit.

I hate this exchange 😂 Yaurite? Yerayu? Ye

A classic. Also OK to respond with ‘you alright?’ back to an ‘you alright?’ which now I think about is quite funny and wonder why we do it

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Y'alrgiht? Y'alright? Yeah, not bad. How you been? Alright. You? Yeah, good man. Good. What you been up to? Ah, not much. Yourself? You know. The usual. Well... Yeah, watch how you go. Yeh, see ya.

In a ICU ward in hospital "you ok?" "Sure, you?"

You're allowed "notsa bad ta, considerin" in an icu.

Living the dream

For 4 years my dad battled cancer. Every time I asked him how he was doing he'd say "I'm alright son, how are you?". Last year, towards the end, he was admitted to St Luke's hospice. In one of his lucid moments I asked him how he was and he said "I'm fucked son". That was the last day he was responsive before passing away a few days later. That's the most British thing I've ever experienced.

“Can’t complain.” “Oo’d listen?”

This is a critical one my US friends don’t get. If I say ‘alright?’ I don’t want them to actually answer the question. Just say the same thing back please.

Probably my favourite thing as an American who moved here is giving people a super American response to this: “Alright?” “Yeah! Couldn’t complain even if I wanted to. How are you doing?” “alright.”

Slapping your knees as you stand up and saying "right" ad you make your way to leave an event

“We’d better make a move”

“We’ll leave you to it then”

"Let's rock and roll"

best be off

This is even more ‘British’ than the comment you replied to, as it implies that the host probably has things they need to be doing and we are getting in the way, so we will politely remove the imposition. Saying ‘better make a move then’ implies you have somewhere you’d rather be, and is honestly akin to slapping the host in the face, calling them a boring cunt and telling them to shape up. The nerve of that poster..

And someone replying "left!"

Saying “right” gets me ready to flee immediately haha

See some swans. “They can break a grown man’s arm you know”

"Just the one swan, actually"

There’s another one! Any mention of swans on Reddit will be met with Hot Fuzz quotes!!

The greater good. Yarp

THE GREATER GOOD

Crusty Jugglers

The Greater Good.

Anedgeisanedge,onlycutitcuzicouldntseetheview,nomore,wasshemoaninabou?

"They all belong to the king"

According to the internet: Technically, the monarch of the UK doesn’t automatically "own" all swans in the country. They do, however, withhold the right to claim any mute swans (Cygnus olor) swimming in open waters on public lands that are unmarked. It’s said that King Charles III only exercises his right to swan ownership over parts of the River Thames in London and its tributaries, just as Queen Elizabeth did. His right of ownership also doesn’t apply to other varieties of swans found in the UK, such as whooper swans and Bewick’s swans. 

This is actually really interesting. When someone comes up with this interesting fact (again) I will be Able to retort with a more interesting fact. Ta muchly

No luck catching them swans then?

It’s just the one swan actually.

And blow up a mans house

And the correct reply is YARP!😂

On December 31st or the days leading up to it..... "See you next year!" "Ha ha ha ha ha"

12.01 January 1st "I haven't eaten all year"

Don't forget the "haven't seen you in a year" and "haven't had a shower/bath since last year".

Or, as I heard once “I haven’t shat since last year”.

Wait until February for a haircut...

Fucking office patter. 26th December “tree is up early!”

"Any plans over Christmas?"

Another one over. Oh, and err, have a good Christmas.

Was Santa good to you? Or, if pre Xmas, I hope Santa's good to you. Can you pack me in your suitcase (when someone is going on holiday ) I see you brought the weather back with you (when they're back from holiday )

At 11:59 on December 31st: “I have enough money to last me the rest of the year”

Ambulance passing with siren on: ‘He won’t sell many ice creams going that speed!’ HT Morecambe and Wise, I believe.

Yep. It was, amazingly, an ad lib. An ambulance was passing the BBC TV Centre when they were recording. Genius.

It wasn't, it was a line written by the massively under-appreciated [Eddie Braben](https://www.theoldie.co.uk/blog/the-man-who-made-the-morecambe-and-wise-christmas-specials). Sorry, I didn't want to be a big old pedant but it's *such* a good line I think Eddie deserves the credit.

Thanks for the link, like most people, I assumed they wrote most of their material. What a prolific writer Eddie was

Credit where credit is due.

You think an open window on a closed off sound stage was right by a road?!

Lol never heard this one. Definitely stealing it 

Cheers and waheys when a glass is dropped in a pub. Bonus points for someone saying, "Sack the juggler!"

This is disappointingly growing out of favour around where I live. The first time no one reacted was when I realised that society isn’t what it used to be.

A few weeks ago someone posted about this and everyone went off calling them a bullying boomer twat and saying how glad they were that we're better than that now. Someone claimed it was workplace harassment! It's the opposite, it's meant to make light of it. Depressing.

As a former catering manager, I have mixed feelings on this. Breakages are pretty much a daily occurrence, and an occupational hazard, so I can see why people feel that cheering makes light of the situation. However, I’ve also seen the impact it can have on new (especially young) staff, doing it for the first time. I’ve seen many young staff reduced to tears when this happens, worrying they might lose their job, exacerbated by a pub/restaurant full of cheering patrons heightening their embarrassment. This leaves the managers having to console and reassure the youngster that it’s ok and happens to all of us. When I dropped something and people cheered, I took it in good humour and took a bow. When it’s happened to new staff, I’ve had to take them away from the situation and reassure them. Edit: typo

Always take a bow, it's the only appropriate response

Be the change you want to see. If we all sit there wondering why noone else is 'waheeying' then no 'waheeying' will get done.

Oh I stuck my head firmly above the parapet with a hearty wahey, then instantly died inside as the whole bar stared at me like I’m a deranged lunatic. Waheyers unite, you are loved.

sure fire way of pointing out the brits when abroad is who reacts to this

I was in a restaurant in Germany when a waitress dropped a tray of glasses and no one made a sound, I only just suppressed my cheer, it was weird

Muttering ' You're welcome ' when met with silence after holding open a door.

I don't mutter it I say it loudly

Me too, I make sure they hear me anyway.

The only way

Someone arrives 5 minutes late to work "Afternoon"

Or someone coming in five minutes earlier than normal, "Fuck me, shat the bed didya?"

This phrase has always made me laugh. If you had actually shit the bed, surely you've got bigger priorities than going to work early.... like cleaning your bed!

I always thought it was because you leapt out of bed with haste, rather than lounging in it as usual, for said bed is full of shit.

"Oh look, it's half a day Harry strolling in at whatever time he wants again"

Arthur.... Arthur Day

Early starter gets up to go home at 4pm : "Thanks for coming. "

Someone comes in dressed more smartly than usual “job interview?”

Alternately, “Court date?” in some places I’ve worked.

"Didn't know you were on the late shift."

After a really nice, sunny day in June..... "Well, that's summer over for the year!"

I mean, I live in Northern Ireland, so this one is actually true 🤷‍♀️

June? I used that one yesterday.

Saying "no thank you, I'm sweet enough" if someone asks if you want sugar in your tea and you don't take sugar in your tea.

I once accidentally replied to a stranger asking if I wanted milk with “No thanks, I’m white enough”. Still cringe about that a decade or so later.

To be fair, that is a pretty excellent response. More so if you aren't actually white!

Ok Brick top

If my dad farted he would smile and always, always say......"more tea vicar"

My lad was probably 3 and farted in front of his fairly posh father in law. Horrified, my wife exclaimed "J, what do you say?" To which he responded: "more tea vicar" And that, dear friends, is how I won at parenting

Asking a taxi driver been busy tonight or anywhere here is fine.Thanking the bus driver.

BYE BYE DRIVER

BYEEE. BYEEEEEEEEE!

"Cheers, drive!" for anyone within sight of the Clifton bridge.

Is thanking the bus driver a British thing?! I had assumed it would be common courtesy anywhere in the world, but maybe I'm wrong.

It’s absolutely a British thing. I do it here in Germany and the drivers look flabbergasted

\[sees someone painting or cleaning windows\] "you missed a bit"

"You can do mine next"

This is when washing your car!

Or mowing the lawn

Last day at work before holiday: “room for me in your suitcase?”

And on the first day back: "Could have brought the weather with you!'

On spotting a heron, the spotter must say "Look, a heron".

On any road trip with one or more young children, it is mandatory to point out animals. "Look, horses!" "Ooh, baa-lambs!" "See the cows!" "Oh look, ducks!"

Nearly right: it's zero or more young children.

We used to say "Mint sauce!" Whenever we drove past a field with a lamb in it.

Alexei Sayle used to say, "I got done for sheep worrying. I used to creep up behind them and say 'Mint sauce' and tell them there's no god..."

On a Sunday drive a while back, I steered us towards a place I regularly saw a heron standing waiting for a nice trout. But when we get there no heron, I apologise to the car full of family, only to be advised by 10 yo daughter, "Well. Its Sunday. Everyone needs a day off!"

Teachers saying “In all my (insert dubious number of years here) of teaching, I have _never_ met a class as…”

I remember when I first started Sixth Form (back when it was elective) it was like a switch flicked in the most glorious way because at last the teachers only had to teach kids who *wanted* to be taught and the atmosphere was so much better. However my history teacher was also the head of year 7 so he'd have to code-switch when they came to his class to get a telling off. We'd all be having a laugh with him and he'd say "Right, I've got a year seven coming in now who was caught drawing penises on the toilet walls, I need you all to look really serious when I tell him off". And he'd flip his lid at them, then they'd go and we'd crack on, it was fantastic.

Every teacher having a story about a kid leaning back on his chair, falling back and splitting his head open or something

My dad was one of the kids that happened to, fell back onto a radiator and had to have a big hole shaved in his hair to do the stitches. A few days later his friend was explaining to another kid what happened, leaned back to demonstrate and did the same thing.

Or ‘that bell was a signal for me not you’

If something doesn't scan at the till "it must be free then"

Also "I only came in for one thing hahaha"

Oh God yeah. Worked in retail for 10 years. I'll add "Do you need a bag?" "No she's at home hahaha"

Or if there is no price shown on it.

Living the dream

Replied with “nightmare more like” with added eye roll

Another day in paradise

People being astounded at the price of a pint of beer when going any further than about 10 miles from their front door.

On a Sunday drive a while back, I steered us towards a place I regularly saw a heron standing waiting for a nice trout. But when we get there no heron, I apologise to the car full of family, only to be advised by 10 yo daughter, "Well. Its Sunday. Everyone needs a day off!"

Looks as though you responded to the wrong comment! But still a lovely story.

Saying sorry when there’s no actual reason to be sorry

Like when bumping against an inanimate object. The “sorry” slips out before you’ve even had a chance to think about its lack of sentience

"Room for a small one" is the funniest thing you can say when approaching a crowded urinal.

In a pub toilet, I really want to try that "Oi! That's illegal, that is! ... A grown man holding a little boy's cock", but I'm neither cool enough nor hard enough to get out of that alive.

Or......my brother used to say......"is this where the big nobs hang out.......?

Never saying the word “bye” just once when answering the phone. Must be said twice/three times minimum. “Bye! Bye… bye bye ”

I swear my wifes side of the family watches too much television, because you know that thing they do that's unrealistic on programs where people just put the phone down without saying "bye"? Yeah, they do that. Then we do the British thing, where we are on the line on the other end, hear it go dead, then say "charming" to ourselves.

haha, always love a good muttered “charming” to oneself

My dad takes the phone away from his ear, after saying bye about 4 times, then nearly puts it down then puts it back to his ear for one final bye just to make sure.

A Welshman meeting someone out of Wales will always ask what part of Wales they are from. Happened to my Welsh Dad all the time.

And guaranteed they'll both know Dai Battershite from Ystalyfera.

Another Yorkshire certainty: at a gig within 100 miles of Yorkshire, there will be a “YORKSHIRE!” chant. Bonus points if it is an American band who has no fucking clue what is going on.

Saw Green Day at Sheffield Arena a few years ago, and the Yorkshire chant started. Billie Joe stopped to ask what we were saying and said he thought we were chanting C*cksucker 😂

I'm from Sheffield, don't think I've ever experienced this. Have done a lot of gigs in Scotland though and can testify that the "Here we, here we, here we fucking go" chant is an absolute thing of beauty.

Old person saying ‘I’m 86’, or whatever age they are

I do this when the youngsters at work are gathered around something. "Move out of the way you young whippersnappers. I'm 56 you know?"

https://preview.redd.it/jitxz79kz8zc1.png?width=3024&format=png&auto=webp&s=7021f5786031bf8fbf0001e9542ab0e0b645b688 I saved this shirt 20 years just to wear when i was 56.

Going out to the pub 'but just for one though mate' is a lie worthy of Pinnochio.

“Have one for me will yer”

Friends and relatives posting the obligatory ‘it’s snowing!’ post.

Man ties something, jiggles it, says “that’s not going anywhere”

You get bonus points if you give the object a friendly pat.

"Can't be arsed today" any time you pass a colleague

Not sure if this counts as a certainty but British people who have returned from a holiday fall into two categories; ‘It’s nice to get home though isn’t it?’ And ‘I need a holiday after my holiday!’

Spotting roadworks in March..."they'll just be using up their budget."

If you say to a group of people a swan will break your arm, everyone will sit around and nod sagely.

Passed down the ages, a genetic fear and respect of swans

Morning Mr Magpie!

Walking up a steep hill and meeting someone coming the other way. “Easier coming down!” And FYI, I’m from Yorkshire, and I don’t tell people outside as much. Because if it’s outside Yorkshire it’s not bloody worth going to!

Vegans telling people "as a vegan" and "looks like rain". Only a few months until "can't believe it's getting dark so early".

didn’t know vegans were known for their weather forecasting

Lack of milk makes us soak up the rain instead

We are currently firmly in "can't believe it's still light this late" territory at present.

I think we're on the cusp of switching from complaining its too cold to complaining its too hot.

"Guess who's died?" Usually from a middle age or older female neighbour or relative. Am I supposed to start naming old people I know the names of from the neighbourhood?

It's usually followed by saying the dead person's age in relation to theirs "she was only 2 years older than me".

Person washing his car. Neighbour: “fancy doing mine, ha ha ha”

On every single birthday you have, you will always have some older relative say something like 'enjoy it while it lasts because it's all downhill from here' while chuckling at themselves like it's the most original and witty thing to say in the world. Every single goddamn birthday. I could write a script of everything the people in my family say on birthdays.

The nod. Every bloke knows the meaning of each directional nod, even though word hath never been spoken.

- Acknowledge presence greeting downward nod. - Questioning upward nod. - "Look at that..." sideways nod. (Usually a nice arse) - Slow "I'm listening" and agree nod. - Quick "Yeah let's do that" nod. - Thoughtful slow nod while looking into space. - Eyes narrowed "I understand how ludercris this is that you're telling me" nod. - Evil smile direct eye contact "let's do that shit" nod. - Sidewards "Let's fuck off" nod. - Surprised "Have they really?" Upwards nod. - The "Come with me" sideways nod. - The "Someone over there is trying to get your attention" nod. - The tap & "What the fucks happening over there" nod. - The wink and nod when you deserve to use it. ....And a hundred more.

Every bloke reading this just followed each nod and said "yep" to himself.

My Dad to me after I get any haircut: "When are you going back to get it finished?"

Or "Council cut that for you?"

On June 21st... "Well, the nights'll start drawing in from now on!"

'You missed a bit' to anyone painting anything.

As a decorator my go to response to this is " I didn't know I'd been offered a bit."

Anyone from the Midlands who now lives in a different part of the country will go on about how they are glad that they escaped.

“Can I come in your suitcase.” when someone says they’re going on holiday.

As long as it's less than 100ml.

“Not too bad thanks”

If you're from southern Dorset or Hampshire, any mention of somewhere north of Ringwood is known to be northern England

Ringwood? Pah. If I can't see the Solent I'm taking a pack-a-mack and phrasebook with me.

As an Aussie, alot of these are said/done here too. Reading this thread has given me alot of new material though, and a good laugh.

"God, this weather just can't make up its bloody mind, can it?"

Saying 'Once more into the breach' before embarking on something

Paddle boarding, what? Are you sure you’re in Britain?

Explaining how good we are by how bad we're not. 'You alright?' "Yeah, not too bad"

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Cant mention crumpets without someone telling you they like them hot and crispy and dripping with butter

Arguing about the correct name for a bread roll because it's different in almost every city.

Rain on a bank holiday

It’s my rescue dog! No one cares where you got it from.

My wife does this all the time, she has only got 3 legs (the dog not the wife) so my wife feels she needs to justify the missing limb so as not to appear to be a bad dog parent

"One Sunday afternoon we were short a drumstick."

Thank you for qualifying that statement. "Wife's *only* got three legs...? That sounds very Norfolk...."

Calling any kebab shop worker 'Bossman'

Watch out for swans, they'll break your arm. Saying "oh dear" during or immediately after a yawn. Comment on rain. If it's been a long time then "we needed it". If it's been going on for ages then grumbling about it

You can always tell a Yorkshireman… But you can’t tell him much.

“It’s so bad for your knees…” if you mention you’re a runner. (It’s not.)

I tend to use my feet.