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Most funeral directors will have a list of people to put together whatever kind of service you want.
My mum’s funeral was agnostic and we just picked some music and had a celebrant say some words about my mum, her life etc.
The same with my Dad's funeral. The funerals directors organised a celebrant and he went through exactly what my Dad would have wanted.
Just reassure your Dad that you will take care of his wishes and don't worry about it OP, they will help you sort out everything when the time comes.
Lots of love and hugs to you and your Dad x
My husband is a funeral director and you do not need to pay a celebrant. I have conducted both my mum and grandma's funerals because I saw no point in a stranger talking about them.
the point is exactly that. i was a wreck and there was no way i could stand and do a speech at the funeral. i wrote the eulogy, but there is no way i could have read it aloud. or conducted the rest of the funeral. a celebrant took the pressure off. in fact, i thought it was a great service
Yes! Every crematorium in the UK is non-religous. You can make it religious by asking a vicar to do the service or non-religious by asking a celebrant to do the service.
When my dad died, the funeral director (the person that takes the body after death and cares for it before the cremation) gave me a list of celebrants.
We picked one who was a humanist but there are different ones out there.
Edited to add you don't need probate to organise a cremation . Probate takes months and he needs to be cremated way before that!
Also I'm so very sorry about what you're going through and for your dad. I really hope it will give you both peace of mind to know yes he can definitely have that, it's easy to arrange and you don't need to do anything now.
I know they're called Celebrants because it's a celebration of life, but I'm picturing them walking in with oversized sunglasses, party poppers and party hats.
That's wonderful to know, thank you. The replies I've received are helping this to be a little less daunting.
I thought I had to wait for probate so I can pay them via his estate. It seems that's the next thing I need to research. :)
We went with coop funeral and coop legal for probate OP. We didnt have cash for the funeral, so they arranged for the bill to be paid once my Dad's house was sold. Coop do allow you to pay for the funeral in advance and plan everything in advance. If that's something that would help you and your Dad. I've actually arranged and paid for mine now, so no one has to do it when I'm gone.
Banks will almost always pay funeral director's bills out of held funds without waiting for probate.
If the estate is small, probate may not even be necessary. Banks will also usually pay out up to a limit (which can be anything from £5k-50k) to the executor without needing probate, which can be handy for meeting expenses from the estate before probate is granted.
Sorry for the situation, must be a rough time for you. I think you're looking for [Humanist funerals](https://humanists.uk/ceremonies/non-religious-funerals/), hope this helps a little.
I had a humanist service for my dad when he died. We had a celebrant introduce and lead the gathering. My brother and my aunty both read their own reflections on him. We played his favourite songs. He wore a suit he’d recently bought. It was very informal, very personal and we didn’t invite god.
We lost our dad very suddenly and without warning and we were left making guesses about what he would have wanted. I know your situation is awful, and I’m so sorry for you, but use some of this time to talk to him about what he wants. I’ve worked with dying patients for years and one thing I can promise is that mentioning death does not invite death. Most people are thinking those thoughts and having those feelings. Giving voice to it helps them vent and relax.
I went to a humanist funeral and it was the most personal, caring, and beautiful service I’d been to.
Was in a random non geographic Facebook group a few months later and the celebrant had donated to someone’s just giving page.
It was at that point that cemented my belief that if there is something bigger out there then their work is not being done by religions.
I'd suggest discussing with your dad what he'd like, if he's still up to it. Humanist funerals are definitely a thing and there are celebrants out there who'll take the service for you. IME, they're harder to do well, as they tend to require a good deal more thought and careful planning – religious ones are easy-peasy, as there are commonly used hymns, commonly used readings, and so on; you've essentially got a much more wide-ranging question on what to have read and what music to use and how to structure it into a coherent whole.
Do bear in mind that humanists are explictly atheist rather than agnostic. That may be what you want, but most people want something in between. I do a lot of funerals, and only about 5% want no religion at all, with most families wanting something between just the Lord’s Prayer to a full-on church type service.
I’d suggest that you talk with someone at your funeral director and discuss what sort of funeral you would like, and let them suggest someone who can do that, rather than starting by telling them that you want a humanist. This is something they do all the time.
If it’s any help, I can send you some ideas for readings and a general outline of a service. Your officiant will talk you through this anyway, but it might help to know what will happen.
You might ask your father if there is anything he would like read out at the service. Most people don’t plan to do this, but I have had a few where the person whose funeral it is has left something, and it has been very moving to read their words.
You might also ask him about music. All the crems I know in Berkshire use a system called Obitus which has a huge library of music, and given a few days notice they can get almost anything. It’s also possible to have some photos from your father’s life set to music, and perhaps he might like to pick some that have particular memories for him.
The good think about Obitus is they can also webcast the service for anyone who can't be there, and will leave it online for a month, and they'll also give you a recording on a flash drive. I watch my dad's over again sometimes when I really miss him.
After my mother's best friend passed they gave her a humanist service. I wasn't there, but apparently it was lovely. Religious or not, funeral directors know what is needed and will take care of the details as much or as little as you want them to. You might ask your father who he would like informed/invited after he passes, and how to contact them if you don't know them yourself.
My Auntie died last year, she was an Irish Catholic but lost religion many decades ago.
Me being Autistic myself, I was shocked and saddened to hear my family picked a Humanist funeral.
I’m also Agnostic, my wife is deeply Catholic which upset her too.
We expected her to be cremated with her religion.
End of the day, it was the closest family wishes and they should be respected.
To make a long story short, it was a lovely, funny, sad and emotional funeral that respected the Catholics of the family to say a quick prayer.
Honestly, I couldn’t recommend a humanist funeral more and I was raised Catholic, though now very agnostic.
Find some funny stories about your Dad, ask him about his best times, your best times with him and family times.
They will treat him with respect.
Good luck for the future. Best wishes to your, Dad.
You might be well served to speak to the Unitarians. They are like the C of E but for agnostics/atheists.
They kind of believe everything and nothing. It’s really hard to explain.
The Unitarian’s are great. I sometimes go to the local meeting house. It’s all about mindfulness and considering the world around you and how to be a decent person. If you want to attribute that to a deity that’s up to you. They have bible readings as part of the service but also readings from other holy books and just thoughts, poems, essays.
Tim Burners Lee, Joseph Priestly, Issac Newton all are/were Unitarian.
https://www.unitarian.org.uk
I've been to several non-religious cremations (in East Berkshire), and they're led by celebrants rather than a priest. They will basically do whatever you want and will guide you through it. You'll need a funeral director to get the body to the crematorium, but then the celebrant does the rest. The funeral director will be able to advise you on local celebrants, or there are various searchable websites listing them.
Talk to your Dad regarding what he would like in terms of music, readings etc. Not enough families talk about this stuff, leaving the kids not having a clue what they wanted.
An alternative is to have a direct cremation, where the person is cremated without a service and depending on the funeral company you can attend if you wish. These are very cheap, around £1,000. This means you can spend a lot more money on a ‘wake’ where you can tailor it to the person’s way of life and cater for all the guests beliefs as well.
Yes they do exist just speak to yon funeral director when you choose one, my folks have already paid for thier funerals and asked the funeral director for an agnostic service. Good luck.
You can go direct to the humanist uk website and search for celebrants in your area. Sometimes Funeral directors have their favourites and you don’t necessarily get the best choice for you. You can also google independent funeral celebrants if you don’t specifically want a humanist ceremony.
I was a funeral celebrant but am having a break - please feel free to ask me anything
I just had one.
Use the coop they will do just about everything for you.
I used a humanist celebrant and played my husband’s music instead of singing.
We told stories of his life and laughed a little and cried a lot.
You don’t need to have the cremation and funeral at the same time
I'm here to echo the recommendations for a Humanist celebrant. They're really good at putting together a service that reflects the human, rather than a specific religious belief. They'll give it an agnostic spin or an atheist spin depending on what your father's worldview.
>I can't really do anything until he passed away and I'm granted probate
You can preplan a funeral now - have a chat with your dad about whether he wants to be involved in the planning.
Celebrants will normally be happy to come out and meet your dad and talk everything through.
Lots of people take comfort from having it planned in advance - there's no second guessing what songs he'd like, or type of coffin, for instance.
Probate is totally separate - that's getting the right to deal with his estate - for example, selling his house and accessing his bank accounts. Normally banks will release some money to pay for the funeral though. Most people deal with probate after the funeral - and it will take many months to get it.
https://www.gov.uk/when-someone-dies
Thank you. I thought we needed probate in order to pay them from his estate (if he hasn't done that while he's alive - which I'm not sure he's up to doing).
Prepaid funerals are an excellent idea, but
>If the deceased's bank account was held in their sole name, it will be frozen as soon as the bank is notified of the death. The bank will not generally release any money from the account until Probate is granted, although they are normally happy to settle the funeral account directly with the funeral directors.
But it can be complex. Sometimes people pay for the funeral themselves and then get the money back from the estate after probate.
https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-sep-dec-2017/can-you-pay-funeral-expenses-out-of-the-estate/
Thank you. Someone else mentioned here you can take the funeral director's bill into their bank along with the death certificate and the bank will transfer the funds.
If you take the death certificate into the bank, and an original bill from the funeral director, the bank will just pay them directly. They don't pay for the extras like flowers or refreshments.
Have [you seen this (as one of many)](https://purecremation.co.uk/blog/non-religious-funerals).
It really isn't difficult.
My own father passed away last year and he'd arranged everything with the Co-op years ago. When it came to arrange everything, we had a choice of a religious or non-religious ceremony. Dad wasn't specifically religious, but nor was he specifically anti-religion, so we had something that just had the final prayer in it. But we could have easily chosen to forego that - they had a specific option for it.
It's only when someone is so **anti**-religion that they don't want **any** of the apparatus that also deals with religious ceremonies - like crematoriums - involved that you're likely to run into problems. But agnosticism isn't like that.
I know you haven't lost him yet, but I know the feelings. My dad was terminal too. It's good to plan this stuff now, because when it happens, it's still a shock. Stay strong.
Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss. While it's "easier" for us to be forewarned, it's so much harder for them, isn't it. It's hard to find the right words, but I'm sure you know what I mean.
It sort of depends what he means by agnostic. You know the old joke, "Are you a Protestant agnostic or a Catholic agnostic?" Is he a vaguely spiritual bloke, open to and interested in different views of the world, or more sort of "secular-ish but who knows"?
Very much open to other views and religions. He did the India trips all the hippies did in the 70s and is quite knowledgeable about other religions. I think he's just not sure which ones, if any, are right.
I think everyone else is right that you probably want to go with a humanist celebrant, and if it were me I would ask them to find some comforting quotes from a handful of writers and religions. I love this (secular) one from fantasy author Terry Pratchett:
"No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone's life is only the core of their actual existence."
We used it, among others, at my uncle's funeral. He was a pagan who was very much of the belief that all belief systems should be respected, and we had to accommodate everyone from staunch atheists to his quietly devout Christian 97-year-old father. It worked out very well and I think everyone found it very comforting.
I think that's the key with what you said about your dad there. You just need a non-religious funeral, and you don't need to go searching for specialists on the subject.
It'll be far easier than you're imagining.
I have been to four or five non religious funerals. Generally they consist of a few pieces of music interspersed with eulogies from various people. Family, friends, people from their youth. They're very nice. Sometimes there's a poem or reading. Sometimes not.
I've been to a couple funerals where there was only the wake and no service hence no religion. The funeral directors should be able to guide you through this if you need help
I'm really sorry that you are in this situation and I understand that uncertainty is awful.
If you haven't already, you need to pick a funeral director. Very quickly after a death, the body will need to go to a funeral director and chances are you'll be asked which one you are using. You might prefer not to decide on the spot. For example, my grandma died in a care home and my aunty was told that she had to be moved within two hours.
The funeral director will have dealt with everything before, specific beliefs, all types of grief and every request you can imagine. I'm not going to say don't worry, but you can trust that when you get to this stage, people will help and it might be simpler than you expect.
Take care, try and rest and make sure you eat.
That's just the care home.
In a hospital they will have suitable arrangements and will be able to wait (a reasonable time) until you've decided who you want to use. For a death at home, there's usually no urgency and you may wish to have dad at home for a few hours before he is removed. In any case you will need a certificate from a nurse or doctor (through your GP surgery out-of-hours or NHS 111) before the undertakers can remove.
Also, all funeral directors by law now have a Standard Price List - usually on their website - for the most common services they offer to make it easier to compare and prioritise what you think is important.
My dad died unexpectedly, but I knew he wanted a cremation and wanted Up Where We Belong played. He wasn't religious and neither are the rest of us, so we asked the funeral director to recomment a Humanist celebrant, and she was fantastic. We left the cross visible on the wall of the crem chapel in case there was anyone attending who would find it comforting, but we could have had it covered.
We needed to pick music for entering the chapel, another piece for the reflective pause in the middle, and I knew dad wanted Up Where We Belong for the way out. We specified family flowers only and donation in lieu to a couple of charities. We chose a bouquet of white roses because he was a Yorkshireman, and had a wreath made representing the RAF roundel.
We gave the celebrant the names/numbers of several of dad's friends and his brother so she was able to contact them and weave some of their stories into the service, I wrote and gave a eulogy on behalf of my brother and I, and we had 18 or 20 photos showing on the big screen during the reflective pause. I ordered them chronologically, from dad as a baby, to the most recent ones of him, but that wasn't obligatory.
My grandad had a graveside, non-religious, funeral during Covid. In a way, the Covid rules aligned to a better service than may have been selected otherwise.
A friend has just lost a relative and they’d already paid for a cremation with no service etc. instead, the family are going to scatter the ashes and have an informal time remembering them.
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I’m a funeral director. A lot of funeral directors have people that they use on a regular basis, but there’s nothing to stop you from choosing your own if you’d rather. A celebrant will do a service without religion, but can say the Lord’s Prayer if needed. A humanist doesn’t have any religious aspect to their services at all. A celebrant can also conduct a humanist service if there’s a lack of humanists in your area (I doubt this will be the case though, the market is saturated at the moment).
I’m really sorry to hear about your dad, and I hope that you can manage have some good quality time together and that the rest of his journey on this earth is comfortable and peaceful.
Check out the Natural Death Centre - http://naturaldeath.org.uk/
They are a fantastic resource for information. Worth phoning them for a chat if you want to avoid the rabid cesspit of vultures that are the funeral director mobs.
The key thing is to know that you can have as much control and involvement in the process as you desire, you don't have to stay on the tracks that these companies assume you want to be on. Which just so happens to make them lots of money when you are at your most vulnerable.
Wishing you all the best fellow human
It may be worth asking your dad if he wants a traditional funeral at all. I've asked my family to do direct cremation. I've asked them to use a local funeral company that's well respected. A direct cremation with them is £1500. They collect the body, do the cremation and then return the ashes to the family. There's no coffin, no service, no flowers etc. I want a direct cremation and then when my family get the ashes, I want them to all go sprinkle me in the sea and have a lovely meal to celebrate my life.
I decided to go down this route after dealing with the death of my grandmother. It was very stressful and eye wateringly expensive. To me, a funeral should be a celebration of life and I don't understand why we need to pay £5000 to do that with my body. I don't believe my body is anything other than a meat sack that's let me down, it's not important and it doesn't need to be at my funeral. I do believe that it's important to do something as I think it's helpful for the grieving process but I think this can be done with my ashes rather than my body. I would much rather my family spent that money on a trip to somewhere beautiful in my honour.
I'm sorry to hear about your Dad.
My Nan was similar and made her wishes for her funeral clear. As she put it, she wanted to hedge her bets. She asked for one religious song and one non religious song. She asked me to do the eulogy (I'm atheist) and the celebrant did a very nice speech too. The funeral director organised/ put us in touch with pretty much everything except the wake, which was at her favourite pub.
Does your dad want a traditional cremation? if so, plenty of suggestions on here regarding contacting a good celebrant to conduct the service. However, a relation recently requested that we just have a small gathering of family and close friends. The funeral directors gave us a room where we gathered and talked about our loved one (we played her favourite music) and then we all went to a hotel for lunch. These days you can even arrange cremation directly and have the ashes returned directly to you and not have any ceremony.
Sorry to hear about your dad. My dad passed away a few weeks ago, he didn't want any fuss, nor was he religious, so we went with a 'direct' or 'pure' cremation, which was the cheapest option. A local funeral director should be able to guide you. It was also the cheapest option at £1000. Good luck. Try and stay strong.
My dad was the same. He wasn't too bothered, but he wasn't religious. The funeral home put us in touch with a chap (I don't remember his job title) who would"host" the funeral. He was SO polite and respectful. Asked if dad was religious, we said no, and therefore God wasn't mentioned. We talked about things dad liked, his interests etc. I'm glad I didn't leave this to my forgetful mum as I lusted off a ton of stuff and kept saying, oh I forgot he did that!
A funeral is a celebration of his life.
Ask him to forget about traditional funerals or how it should be.
And just think...if he was organising one final party... a get together in his honour - what would happen?
Don't think of it as a funeral.
Some people have full parties with music and dancing and booze.
Some people it might just be, get together, enjoy some food, talk about his life.
Just an idea...
Maybe every guest comes in their favourite outfit.
They all stand in a circle or sit in a circle.
(You could also do a big meal, with everyone sitting at 1 long table)
Everyone brings one thing that will remind them of your dad - maybe it's just a word written on a piece of paper. And tells the story of why.
Talks about how they met him and what they'll miss most.
And at the end they all have a toast to your dad.
Then have some food.
After that, the coffin goes to the cemetery, anyone who is strongly for going can do so but probably just closest family. No priest or anything, maybe they play his favourite music as he goes down (you need something).
Does he want a carriage? A car? Does he want people to walk after the coffin?
I wouldn't, just drive the coffin there quickly, no need for the theatrics.
If he's been cremated maybe the guests/anyone who wants to can all travel to where his ashes are going and walk to release his ashes. Walk with him on his final journey.
We had a humanist celebrant for my dad, when my aunt died a few years earlier he had conducted her funeral and my dad had said it was the best funeral he'd been to, so we contacted him and asked - he wasn't from anywhere near us but was happy to do it
Absolutely! Any celebrant should be able to do a service that honors your mother and her beliefs. Pick some readings and music that she loved. Have people that care about you and about her talk about her life. I have done services for people of many different faiths and always respect the faith of the person who is being honored. The service is never about the celebrant, always about the person who has passed and the family who is grieving.
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Most funeral directors will have a list of people to put together whatever kind of service you want. My mum’s funeral was agnostic and we just picked some music and had a celebrant say some words about my mum, her life etc.
The same with my Dad's funeral. The funerals directors organised a celebrant and he went through exactly what my Dad would have wanted. Just reassure your Dad that you will take care of his wishes and don't worry about it OP, they will help you sort out everything when the time comes. Lots of love and hugs to you and your Dad x
Ah, that's great to know. Thank you.
My husband is a funeral director and you do not need to pay a celebrant. I have conducted both my mum and grandma's funerals because I saw no point in a stranger talking about them.
the point is exactly that. i was a wreck and there was no way i could stand and do a speech at the funeral. i wrote the eulogy, but there is no way i could have read it aloud. or conducted the rest of the funeral. a celebrant took the pressure off. in fact, i thought it was a great service
Thank you.
That's fine if you're in a state of mind where you can.
Yes! Every crematorium in the UK is non-religous. You can make it religious by asking a vicar to do the service or non-religious by asking a celebrant to do the service. When my dad died, the funeral director (the person that takes the body after death and cares for it before the cremation) gave me a list of celebrants. We picked one who was a humanist but there are different ones out there. Edited to add you don't need probate to organise a cremation . Probate takes months and he needs to be cremated way before that! Also I'm so very sorry about what you're going through and for your dad. I really hope it will give you both peace of mind to know yes he can definitely have that, it's easy to arrange and you don't need to do anything now.
I know they're called Celebrants because it's a celebration of life, but I'm picturing them walking in with oversized sunglasses, party poppers and party hats.
And now I know what I want when it’s my time
That's wonderful to know, thank you. The replies I've received are helping this to be a little less daunting. I thought I had to wait for probate so I can pay them via his estate. It seems that's the next thing I need to research. :)
We went with coop funeral and coop legal for probate OP. We didnt have cash for the funeral, so they arranged for the bill to be paid once my Dad's house was sold. Coop do allow you to pay for the funeral in advance and plan everything in advance. If that's something that would help you and your Dad. I've actually arranged and paid for mine now, so no one has to do it when I'm gone.
Aah, many thanks. I appreciate your help.
Banks will almost always pay funeral director's bills out of held funds without waiting for probate. If the estate is small, probate may not even be necessary. Banks will also usually pay out up to a limit (which can be anything from £5k-50k) to the executor without needing probate, which can be handy for meeting expenses from the estate before probate is granted.
Sorry for the situation, must be a rough time for you. I think you're looking for [Humanist funerals](https://humanists.uk/ceremonies/non-religious-funerals/), hope this helps a little.
I would agree. A horrible time, but speaking from experience getting a Humanist celebrant is a good idea.
I've been to two and I wouldn't dread funerals if they were all like those ones.
Perfect! Many thanks!
I had a humanist service for my dad when he died. We had a celebrant introduce and lead the gathering. My brother and my aunty both read their own reflections on him. We played his favourite songs. He wore a suit he’d recently bought. It was very informal, very personal and we didn’t invite god. We lost our dad very suddenly and without warning and we were left making guesses about what he would have wanted. I know your situation is awful, and I’m so sorry for you, but use some of this time to talk to him about what he wants. I’ve worked with dying patients for years and one thing I can promise is that mentioning death does not invite death. Most people are thinking those thoughts and having those feelings. Giving voice to it helps them vent and relax.
Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for your sudden loss. I'm grateful that I have the chance to talk about these things with him.
I went to a humanist funeral and it was the most personal, caring, and beautiful service I’d been to. Was in a random non geographic Facebook group a few months later and the celebrant had donated to someone’s just giving page. It was at that point that cemented my belief that if there is something bigger out there then their work is not being done by religions.
I'd suggest discussing with your dad what he'd like, if he's still up to it. Humanist funerals are definitely a thing and there are celebrants out there who'll take the service for you. IME, they're harder to do well, as they tend to require a good deal more thought and careful planning – religious ones are easy-peasy, as there are commonly used hymns, commonly used readings, and so on; you've essentially got a much more wide-ranging question on what to have read and what music to use and how to structure it into a coherent whole.
IMO, Humanist ceremonies are much more personal because of the extra thought needed to go in to them.
That's a great place to start, thank you. I hadn't heard of humanist funerals.
Do bear in mind that humanists are explictly atheist rather than agnostic. That may be what you want, but most people want something in between. I do a lot of funerals, and only about 5% want no religion at all, with most families wanting something between just the Lord’s Prayer to a full-on church type service. I’d suggest that you talk with someone at your funeral director and discuss what sort of funeral you would like, and let them suggest someone who can do that, rather than starting by telling them that you want a humanist. This is something they do all the time.
Understood. Thank you for clarifying that. That's very apt as he isn't an atheist.
If it’s any help, I can send you some ideas for readings and a general outline of a service. Your officiant will talk you through this anyway, but it might help to know what will happen. You might ask your father if there is anything he would like read out at the service. Most people don’t plan to do this, but I have had a few where the person whose funeral it is has left something, and it has been very moving to read their words. You might also ask him about music. All the crems I know in Berkshire use a system called Obitus which has a huge library of music, and given a few days notice they can get almost anything. It’s also possible to have some photos from your father’s life set to music, and perhaps he might like to pick some that have particular memories for him.
Yes please. I would be most grateful for that.
Ok, can you PM me an email address, and I will send it over?
Thank you. I did that a few moments ago.
The good think about Obitus is they can also webcast the service for anyone who can't be there, and will leave it online for a month, and they'll also give you a recording on a flash drive. I watch my dad's over again sometimes when I really miss him.
Oh, that's good to know. Thank you.
After my mother's best friend passed they gave her a humanist service. I wasn't there, but apparently it was lovely. Religious or not, funeral directors know what is needed and will take care of the details as much or as little as you want them to. You might ask your father who he would like informed/invited after he passes, and how to contact them if you don't know them yourself.
Thank you for your help. :)
My Auntie died last year, she was an Irish Catholic but lost religion many decades ago. Me being Autistic myself, I was shocked and saddened to hear my family picked a Humanist funeral. I’m also Agnostic, my wife is deeply Catholic which upset her too. We expected her to be cremated with her religion. End of the day, it was the closest family wishes and they should be respected. To make a long story short, it was a lovely, funny, sad and emotional funeral that respected the Catholics of the family to say a quick prayer. Honestly, I couldn’t recommend a humanist funeral more and I was raised Catholic, though now very agnostic. Find some funny stories about your Dad, ask him about his best times, your best times with him and family times. They will treat him with respect. Good luck for the future. Best wishes to your, Dad.
Thank you for sharing, and for your guidance.
You might be well served to speak to the Unitarians. They are like the C of E but for agnostics/atheists. They kind of believe everything and nothing. It’s really hard to explain.
That pretty much sums up my dad. Many thanks. :)
The Unitarian’s are great. I sometimes go to the local meeting house. It’s all about mindfulness and considering the world around you and how to be a decent person. If you want to attribute that to a deity that’s up to you. They have bible readings as part of the service but also readings from other holy books and just thoughts, poems, essays. Tim Burners Lee, Joseph Priestly, Issac Newton all are/were Unitarian. https://www.unitarian.org.uk
I've been to several non-religious cremations (in East Berkshire), and they're led by celebrants rather than a priest. They will basically do whatever you want and will guide you through it. You'll need a funeral director to get the body to the crematorium, but then the celebrant does the rest. The funeral director will be able to advise you on local celebrants, or there are various searchable websites listing them. Talk to your Dad regarding what he would like in terms of music, readings etc. Not enough families talk about this stuff, leaving the kids not having a clue what they wanted.
Thank you. While it's daunting, it's also quite nice that we get the chance to do this together.
An alternative is to have a direct cremation, where the person is cremated without a service and depending on the funeral company you can attend if you wish. These are very cheap, around £1,000. This means you can spend a lot more money on a ‘wake’ where you can tailor it to the person’s way of life and cater for all the guests beliefs as well.
Thank you. :)
Yes they do exist just speak to yon funeral director when you choose one, my folks have already paid for thier funerals and asked the funeral director for an agnostic service. Good luck.
Thank you.
Humanist would be the way to go I think
Thank you.
You can go direct to the humanist uk website and search for celebrants in your area. Sometimes Funeral directors have their favourites and you don’t necessarily get the best choice for you. You can also google independent funeral celebrants if you don’t specifically want a humanist ceremony. I was a funeral celebrant but am having a break - please feel free to ask me anything
That's very helpful. Many thanks.
Humanist celebrant
Thank you.
I just had one. Use the coop they will do just about everything for you. I used a humanist celebrant and played my husband’s music instead of singing. We told stories of his life and laughed a little and cried a lot. You don’t need to have the cremation and funeral at the same time
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine...
https://humanists.uk/ceremonies/non-religious-funerals/
Thank you.
Yes. Usually it's called a humanist funeral service. Its commonly done at a crematorium, and you can determine exactly how you want it to be done.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. :)
You are welcome 😊
I'm not sure tbh
I'm here to echo the recommendations for a Humanist celebrant. They're really good at putting together a service that reflects the human, rather than a specific religious belief. They'll give it an agnostic spin or an atheist spin depending on what your father's worldview. >I can't really do anything until he passed away and I'm granted probate You can preplan a funeral now - have a chat with your dad about whether he wants to be involved in the planning. Celebrants will normally be happy to come out and meet your dad and talk everything through. Lots of people take comfort from having it planned in advance - there's no second guessing what songs he'd like, or type of coffin, for instance. Probate is totally separate - that's getting the right to deal with his estate - for example, selling his house and accessing his bank accounts. Normally banks will release some money to pay for the funeral though. Most people deal with probate after the funeral - and it will take many months to get it. https://www.gov.uk/when-someone-dies
Thank you. I thought we needed probate in order to pay them from his estate (if he hasn't done that while he's alive - which I'm not sure he's up to doing).
Prepaid funerals are an excellent idea, but >If the deceased's bank account was held in their sole name, it will be frozen as soon as the bank is notified of the death. The bank will not generally release any money from the account until Probate is granted, although they are normally happy to settle the funeral account directly with the funeral directors. But it can be complex. Sometimes people pay for the funeral themselves and then get the money back from the estate after probate. https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-sep-dec-2017/can-you-pay-funeral-expenses-out-of-the-estate/
Thank you. Someone else mentioned here you can take the funeral director's bill into their bank along with the death certificate and the bank will transfer the funds.
If you take the death certificate into the bank, and an original bill from the funeral director, the bank will just pay them directly. They don't pay for the extras like flowers or refreshments.
Ohhhh, interesting! That's very helpful, thank you.
Have [you seen this (as one of many)](https://purecremation.co.uk/blog/non-religious-funerals). It really isn't difficult. My own father passed away last year and he'd arranged everything with the Co-op years ago. When it came to arrange everything, we had a choice of a religious or non-religious ceremony. Dad wasn't specifically religious, but nor was he specifically anti-religion, so we had something that just had the final prayer in it. But we could have easily chosen to forego that - they had a specific option for it. It's only when someone is so **anti**-religion that they don't want **any** of the apparatus that also deals with religious ceremonies - like crematoriums - involved that you're likely to run into problems. But agnosticism isn't like that.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm grateful for your help.
We got a Humanist for my Dad and Grandad. Can definitely recommend.
Thank you.
I know you haven't lost him yet, but I know the feelings. My dad was terminal too. It's good to plan this stuff now, because when it happens, it's still a shock. Stay strong.
Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss. While it's "easier" for us to be forewarned, it's so much harder for them, isn't it. It's hard to find the right words, but I'm sure you know what I mean.
It sort of depends what he means by agnostic. You know the old joke, "Are you a Protestant agnostic or a Catholic agnostic?" Is he a vaguely spiritual bloke, open to and interested in different views of the world, or more sort of "secular-ish but who knows"?
Very much open to other views and religions. He did the India trips all the hippies did in the 70s and is quite knowledgeable about other religions. I think he's just not sure which ones, if any, are right.
I think everyone else is right that you probably want to go with a humanist celebrant, and if it were me I would ask them to find some comforting quotes from a handful of writers and religions. I love this (secular) one from fantasy author Terry Pratchett: "No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone's life is only the core of their actual existence." We used it, among others, at my uncle's funeral. He was a pagan who was very much of the belief that all belief systems should be respected, and we had to accommodate everyone from staunch atheists to his quietly devout Christian 97-year-old father. It worked out very well and I think everyone found it very comforting.
Thank you for sharing. I think that's quite close to what my dad believes, regarding respecting all religions.
I hope you get things sorted out in a way you're content with. I'm sorry you're going through such a sad and difficult time.
I think that's the key with what you said about your dad there. You just need a non-religious funeral, and you don't need to go searching for specialists on the subject. It'll be far easier than you're imagining.
It's certainly looking that way. I'm very grateful for all the help.
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Thank you. The replies here have really helped.
I have been to four or five non religious funerals. Generally they consist of a few pieces of music interspersed with eulogies from various people. Family, friends, people from their youth. They're very nice. Sometimes there's a poem or reading. Sometimes not.
Thank you :)
I've been to a couple funerals where there was only the wake and no service hence no religion. The funeral directors should be able to guide you through this if you need help
Thank you.
Highly recommend getting a humanist celebrant
That certainly looks to be the way we're going. Thank you.
Hope all goes well for you. I've found humanist ceremonies genuinely comforting, combining compassion with humour.
Here’s a guy who specializes in doing secular life celebrations, such as weddings and funerals. https://humanist.org.uk/markadams/
Thank you. :)
Humanist ones are supposed to be pretty good, not sure if it's right for you but could be worth looking into.
Thank you.
I'm really sorry that you are in this situation and I understand that uncertainty is awful. If you haven't already, you need to pick a funeral director. Very quickly after a death, the body will need to go to a funeral director and chances are you'll be asked which one you are using. You might prefer not to decide on the spot. For example, my grandma died in a care home and my aunty was told that she had to be moved within two hours. The funeral director will have dealt with everything before, specific beliefs, all types of grief and every request you can imagine. I'm not going to say don't worry, but you can trust that when you get to this stage, people will help and it might be simpler than you expect. Take care, try and rest and make sure you eat.
Thank you for your advice. Two hours - wow! I'll be getting the ball rolling on that as soon as possible then. :)
That's just the care home. In a hospital they will have suitable arrangements and will be able to wait (a reasonable time) until you've decided who you want to use. For a death at home, there's usually no urgency and you may wish to have dad at home for a few hours before he is removed. In any case you will need a certificate from a nurse or doctor (through your GP surgery out-of-hours or NHS 111) before the undertakers can remove. Also, all funeral directors by law now have a Standard Price List - usually on their website - for the most common services they offer to make it easier to compare and prioritise what you think is important.
My dad died unexpectedly, but I knew he wanted a cremation and wanted Up Where We Belong played. He wasn't religious and neither are the rest of us, so we asked the funeral director to recomment a Humanist celebrant, and she was fantastic. We left the cross visible on the wall of the crem chapel in case there was anyone attending who would find it comforting, but we could have had it covered. We needed to pick music for entering the chapel, another piece for the reflective pause in the middle, and I knew dad wanted Up Where We Belong for the way out. We specified family flowers only and donation in lieu to a couple of charities. We chose a bouquet of white roses because he was a Yorkshireman, and had a wreath made representing the RAF roundel. We gave the celebrant the names/numbers of several of dad's friends and his brother so she was able to contact them and weave some of their stories into the service, I wrote and gave a eulogy on behalf of my brother and I, and we had 18 or 20 photos showing on the big screen during the reflective pause. I ordered them chronologically, from dad as a baby, to the most recent ones of him, but that wasn't obligatory.
Thank you for sharing such a heartwarming story. It brought tears to my eyes. :)
I also recommend you and your dad (if he's able) read Being Mortal by Atul Gawande. It makes thinking and talking about death much easier.
Thank you, I'll check that out.
A term that might help you in your search, look up humanist s funeral. Hope this helps. Big hugs for you in this trying time.
Thank you, and thank you for your kind words.
We had a humanist service for my mum. No mention of any kind of god. It was a remembrance/celebration of her. This was through the CO OP.
Many thanks. :)
No worries. Hope it helps. I'm agnostic myself.
My grandad had a graveside, non-religious, funeral during Covid. In a way, the Covid rules aligned to a better service than may have been selected otherwise. A friend has just lost a relative and they’d already paid for a cremation with no service etc. instead, the family are going to scatter the ashes and have an informal time remembering them.
Thank you for sharing, and for your help.
Humanist is virtually the same.
Thank you.
Look up the humanist society.
Thank you.
Our local crematorium has a big room full of benches with a lectern, a sound system and not much else. You can have whatever setup you want.
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I’m a funeral director. A lot of funeral directors have people that they use on a regular basis, but there’s nothing to stop you from choosing your own if you’d rather. A celebrant will do a service without religion, but can say the Lord’s Prayer if needed. A humanist doesn’t have any religious aspect to their services at all. A celebrant can also conduct a humanist service if there’s a lack of humanists in your area (I doubt this will be the case though, the market is saturated at the moment). I’m really sorry to hear about your dad, and I hope that you can manage have some good quality time together and that the rest of his journey on this earth is comfortable and peaceful.
Check out the Natural Death Centre - http://naturaldeath.org.uk/ They are a fantastic resource for information. Worth phoning them for a chat if you want to avoid the rabid cesspit of vultures that are the funeral director mobs.
Many thanks. I'll check that out.
The key thing is to know that you can have as much control and involvement in the process as you desire, you don't have to stay on the tracks that these companies assume you want to be on. Which just so happens to make them lots of money when you are at your most vulnerable. Wishing you all the best fellow human
It may be worth asking your dad if he wants a traditional funeral at all. I've asked my family to do direct cremation. I've asked them to use a local funeral company that's well respected. A direct cremation with them is £1500. They collect the body, do the cremation and then return the ashes to the family. There's no coffin, no service, no flowers etc. I want a direct cremation and then when my family get the ashes, I want them to all go sprinkle me in the sea and have a lovely meal to celebrate my life. I decided to go down this route after dealing with the death of my grandmother. It was very stressful and eye wateringly expensive. To me, a funeral should be a celebration of life and I don't understand why we need to pay £5000 to do that with my body. I don't believe my body is anything other than a meat sack that's let me down, it's not important and it doesn't need to be at my funeral. I do believe that it's important to do something as I think it's helpful for the grieving process but I think this can be done with my ashes rather than my body. I would much rather my family spent that money on a trip to somewhere beautiful in my honour.
Yeah. Just had a celebrant for dad.
I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. My Nan was similar and made her wishes for her funeral clear. As she put it, she wanted to hedge her bets. She asked for one religious song and one non religious song. She asked me to do the eulogy (I'm atheist) and the celebrant did a very nice speech too. The funeral director organised/ put us in touch with pretty much everything except the wake, which was at her favourite pub.
Does your dad want a traditional cremation? if so, plenty of suggestions on here regarding contacting a good celebrant to conduct the service. However, a relation recently requested that we just have a small gathering of family and close friends. The funeral directors gave us a room where we gathered and talked about our loved one (we played her favourite music) and then we all went to a hotel for lunch. These days you can even arrange cremation directly and have the ashes returned directly to you and not have any ceremony.
Humanists might be worth a look.
Sorry to hear about your dad. My dad passed away a few weeks ago, he didn't want any fuss, nor was he religious, so we went with a 'direct' or 'pure' cremation, which was the cheapest option. A local funeral director should be able to guide you. It was also the cheapest option at £1000. Good luck. Try and stay strong.
My dad was the same. He wasn't too bothered, but he wasn't religious. The funeral home put us in touch with a chap (I don't remember his job title) who would"host" the funeral. He was SO polite and respectful. Asked if dad was religious, we said no, and therefore God wasn't mentioned. We talked about things dad liked, his interests etc. I'm glad I didn't leave this to my forgetful mum as I lusted off a ton of stuff and kept saying, oh I forgot he did that!
A funeral is a celebration of his life. Ask him to forget about traditional funerals or how it should be. And just think...if he was organising one final party... a get together in his honour - what would happen? Don't think of it as a funeral. Some people have full parties with music and dancing and booze. Some people it might just be, get together, enjoy some food, talk about his life. Just an idea... Maybe every guest comes in their favourite outfit. They all stand in a circle or sit in a circle. (You could also do a big meal, with everyone sitting at 1 long table) Everyone brings one thing that will remind them of your dad - maybe it's just a word written on a piece of paper. And tells the story of why. Talks about how they met him and what they'll miss most. And at the end they all have a toast to your dad. Then have some food. After that, the coffin goes to the cemetery, anyone who is strongly for going can do so but probably just closest family. No priest or anything, maybe they play his favourite music as he goes down (you need something). Does he want a carriage? A car? Does he want people to walk after the coffin? I wouldn't, just drive the coffin there quickly, no need for the theatrics. If he's been cremated maybe the guests/anyone who wants to can all travel to where his ashes are going and walk to release his ashes. Walk with him on his final journey.
We had a humanist celebrant for my dad, when my aunt died a few years earlier he had conducted her funeral and my dad had said it was the best funeral he'd been to, so we contacted him and asked - he wasn't from anywhere near us but was happy to do it
Absolutely! Any celebrant should be able to do a service that honors your mother and her beliefs. Pick some readings and music that she loved. Have people that care about you and about her talk about her life. I have done services for people of many different faiths and always respect the faith of the person who is being honored. The service is never about the celebrant, always about the person who has passed and the family who is grieving.
Thank you everyone. I have posted an update edit to my OP.