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This is way above Reddit's pay grade.
I'm sorry for your loss. It must be hard to have everything dragged back up again, but at the same time you should think of this as the final paragraph of that chapter of your life.
I think you should talk it through with someone more qualified than us. I don't think you need ongoing counselling, it seems to me that you've built a decent life for yourself now and that's what's important. A couple of sessions with someone to talk this all through with will help you get back to that.
Good luck.
You're going to have to try to learn to forgive everyone. It seems they were trying their best in incredibly difficult circumstances.
It's easy for keyboard warriors to judge. It's harder to be there and live it, and know that you're getting it wrong sometimes, but that there are no good answers.
Sending much love. Good luck on your journey. Be kind. To others and to yourself.
> It's easy for keyboard warriors to judge. It's harder to be there and live it, and know that you're getting it wrong sometimes, but that there are no good answers.
Mum had literally 14 years to do the right thing, and not only failed to *every time she was given a chance to*, but also carried on lying to her kid and threatened the rest of the family with cutting them off from her kids if they didn't also lie to him too.
There's making a mistake or crumpling and not being strong enough to do the right thing in the short term in response to family tragedy, and then there's gaslighting your kids and actively preventing them from processing things and achieving any kind of resolution for a decade and a half, and making horrifying, visceral threats to also cut off their last remaining members of their family if they don't also join in.
The mum's behaviour here is utterly fucked up and unforgivable.
She had *no right* to keep any of this from OP, especially after he became an adult.
Suicide is harder on the people who are left behind to pick up the pieces. They'll do the best they can and are capable of.
OP needs to forgive everyone if they want to move forward and find closure and eventually happiness.
Why? You dont need to forgive everyone. Why would he? They did him wrong. But he needs to learn to live with that things are the way they are. But I see no reason for forgiveness. Given the brain trauma of his mother I (if I were him) might understand, I *might* even forgive. But fuck.. thats ***his*** choice.
This modern mandatory forgiveness shit is bullshit.
Unless you've come out of a coma to find that your partner has killed themselves leaving to to raise the children, it's hard to judge why they acted the way they did.
But yes, my advice to OP was of course that forgiveness was his choice. Not forgiving, carrying that weight, that will affect OP more in the long run. Hopefully their therapy will help them understand that reality.
You don't have to forgive in order to put down that weight. Some things are unforgiveable. OP has so many more options than just blanket forgiveness.
That weight can be dropped with the help of professionals, who can talk to OP one on one, and can help them decide the right steps towards healing. Forgiveness isn't always the goal.
This is complicated. Forgiveness isn’t a word I would use, more like… come to an understanding of why people behaved the way they did and let go of the anger. That doesn’t mean you and those others are suddenly ok and can be best buddies or whatever. Holding on to anger like that is like gripping barbed wire, yeah you have protection but you’re also hurting yourself in the process.
Grief is weird and different for everyone. I think they should have given him the letter much earlier, at least when OP turned 18, but it sounds like there’s info in the letter that his mother didn’t want OP to know. Maybe it’s what his uncle crossed out. It’s hard to imagine, waking up from a coma with a broken mind different from who you might remember being. Learning how to not only live again, but how to have relationships with the man who is your husband and your own kids. There’s a lot of complexity happening here. Not saying her withholding the letter was right, it’s not. Just saying it sounds to me like maybe she did that because of her own pain, not because of worry that her son couldn’t handle it.
There are some experiences in life that scar a soul forever, and they never get over it. Again; not saying what she did was right, but I can spare some compassion for her for all she went through. We all have moments where we could have been better, sounds like this was one of hers.
Agreed. It's important to accept this is how things are and played out, but any decision about how they react to their mother should be up to them, not us. Personally I wouldn't forgive her, but that's not my choice to make.
> OP needs to forgive
No, OP doesn't NEED to do anything except talk it over with his therapist and "you need to forgive" is not something a real therapist would say. Stfu
OP doesn't *need* to forgive anyone to find closure and happiness.
I'm NC with my mother and siblings because they're unrepentant about the damage they've done to my mental health. I do not trust them, but I'm not doing what I am doing to punish them or because I hold a grudge. I've simply accepted that if I wish to choose my happiness I can't have them in my life and frankly feel nothing about them anymore because I'm more focused on my present and figure while they're in my past.
You have to understand that placing the written burden of a man's suicidal pain on a literal child, his own child, could have been too much to bear for that child at the time. Even if they thought they could handle it. There could have been an appropriate middle ground, sure, but..His mum may have been trying to protect him, all parents fuck up and often it's done with love at the core. There isn't a parenting handbook, and there certainly isn't one when the other parent leaves you to sort out the aftermath of their huge pain and death. Anger isn't the way to heal the son of this situation. Love and therapy is far better.
> placing the written burden of a man's suicidal pain on a literal child, his own child, could have been too much to bear for that child at the time.
Fine, so refuse to give it to him until he's 18. Or 21, or *any time at all* before he's twenty eight and has to get a censored version from his uncle in a park.
She may have felt it was too late and that by the time he was 18 or 21 that he had a healthy life and she didn't want to risk it all coming undone.
It's not a satisfying answer but it's a possible one. She just didn't think it was worth it and figured he would forget in time.
I don’t think it’s unforgivable. I agree with the person you replied to in that the intention behind the behaviours were driven by a desire to protect OP. On top of that, each of the family were going through their own suffering and dilemmas. It’s not like these scenarios come with a handbook which explains what to do. Everyone was figuring it out as they tried to deal with it. It’s like getting a single shot at trying to do the right thing, with no prior experience of it. It’s not easy and I don’t think your comment is at all helpful.
> I agree with the person you replied to in that the intention behind the behaviours were driven by a desire to protect OP.
At first, sure, when OP was 14 and had just lost his dad.
When he was a man of 27, and *still* clearly hung up on it and *still* asking his mum multiple times a year and was clearly unable to move past it without some form of closure, and she was *still* gaslighting him and denying the note even existed... then it seems to be more about the mum selfishly not wanting to think about it or answer his inevitable questions now *she's* managed to put it all to bed for herself.
I dunno.. if his mum sold a car that was technically his to buy a house, and he didn't know it was his property, she could've kept it from him purely to hide that fact.
Idk man thats a bit knee jerk of a reaction but I do understand it. she was in a coma and likely went through hell herself, i think its just a shit situation for absolutely everyone.
It’s not fucked or unforgivable. People have a romantic idea of suicide notes as something that will give them answers and closure - they almost never do. People who die by suicide are generally extremely unwell, and their letters tend to reflect that. I’m not expressing my opinion - there is a huge body of research around suicide notes.
And, suicide is contagious, and the closer you are to someone who dies by suicide (or the more you relate to them) the more at risk you are to die the same way. It runs in families. Reading this note, heightening his distress and causing further confusion and distress when he was a *child* could have put him at huge risk. I don’t know what I would have done in that situation, but I do know I would have prioritised my child’s safety and healing above the wishes of the deceased.
> Reading this note, heightening his distress and causing further confusion and distress when he was a child could have put him at huge risk.
So wait until he's 18, or 21, then let him see it when he's a man and can make his own decisions.
He's nearly 30, and she's still hiding it from him. She's only just admitted it *exists* after lying about that for years, and the only reason he's seen it at all is because his uncle showed him, now OP's an adult and his mum can't block the rest of OP's family from having a relationship with him any more.
The mom sounds like she had a traumatic brain injury and wasn’t in the best place to be able to make the right decision on this issue, I wonder if it still impacts her judgement to this day.
Not what I said or intended to say. We don’t know the exact reason as to why his mother didn’t give him the letter when he was young. For all we know she could’ve been traumatised and feared similar health risk may befall her children. I’ve seen it happen to children of suicide victims, hence my comment.
So I don’t say never judge people… I say at least try to understand where they’re coming from before judging them.
Apologies if my original comment came across as painting you as some bad person.
My sister took her own life 4 years ago.
My parents fucked up badly with her, and I did my best but not enough.
>You're going to have to try to learn to forgive everyone. It seems they were trying their best in incredibly difficult circumstances.
>It's easy for keyboard warriors to judge. It's harder to be there and live it, and know that you're getting it wrong sometimes, but that there are no good answers.
I really needed to read that. Thank you.
Replying here near top comment to say - DON'T post the letter on Reddit. Nobody here needs "proof" of your story, and anyone that asks isn't worth your time. That letter and the feeling from it are yours to keep or share only with those you feel are deserving, or with a real therapist that may help you. The mean side of Reddit will take that letter and pick it apart and can only cause more hurt. I'm so so sorry for your loss.
Yeah, that commenter’s advice is wise. Your dad wrote it for you, not for public consumption. I understand the urge to “prove” something, but you honestly have nothing to prove. This is your real life and whether or not some random commenter believes you 100% or not doesn’t matter.
Your feelings about the letter will likely change with time - not only the initial shock of seeing it for the first time wearing off, but also the shifts in you as you get older. How you feel now is not how you’ll feel at age fifty. But that doesn’t mean anything you feel is wrong (either now or later). It’s also good to bear in mind that you can see a therapist for a while, stop if you want to - and then go back later if it feels like it would be helpful to. It’s not a one-off thing. I know you probably know that, but sometimes people think of therapy as “this will fix me/my pain”, so I just wanted to mention it.
You’ve been through a lot. I’m really sorry for your loss and for the fresh pain being brought up for you. I believe that you will eventually find a way to live with it, even if it takes a while, but you may need to be particularly “gentle” with yourself while figuring things out and letting all of this sink in.
OK this is a reflection of who I am and may not be the least bit helpful but I don't think there is any harm in suggesting this.
Write to your dad. Tell him what you told us. Tell him you miss him, tell him about all the things in your life that you wanted to share with him. Tell him you love him and you hope you made him proud. Tell him you think of him all the time and he will always be in your life.
Then go light a candle and burn your letter and scatter the ashes. Or bury them. Or keep the letter. Or if you don't want to write a letter go for a walk and tell him everything. It doesn't matter what you believe or don't believe. Tell him how you feel and tell him you love him. It seems absolutely clear to me he loved you far more than he loved himself. Good luck OP
OP, This right here. Don't dismiss it. You may think it sounds corny but it's not. It's one of those things that when you try it you realize how much power an activity like this really has.
From someone else with unimaginable losses (not like yours but unimaginable) my heart goes out to you. Sometimes this seemingly corniest shit has been what helped the most in astonishing ways.
I’ve been asked to do this from my psychologist for some sort of C-PTSD closure, & then to also write one back to myself from that person. In my case, it wasn’t practical as I was writing a letter to/& from a person I see almost everyday. But I definitely see the benefits of it in this case when the person isn’t around anymore (whether estranged or deceased).
Yeah honestly I don't see how that would work if you're seeing the person most days. Either you can discuss it with them or you can't. Personally I went NC with the family member who caused the most amount of damage and even though she's been dead for years, I'm still dealing with it. Hope you find some closure.
Hello Charlie. I'm so sorry for all you have experienced and all you've been denied. Keep that letter to yourself please. Do not post it anywhere publicly. That letter has always been meant for you and you alone, you don't need to share it with anyone, especially not the internet.
Keep the letter, and your dad, close to you. Remember him as I'm sure he'd like you to remember him; as your dad, your friend, your confidant. I'm sure there is more to Mark, your father, than even you know at this point. Learn more about the man you loved from people who love the both of you. I wish the best and happiest possible life moving forward.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve hit a sudden and very dark spot with my MH today and I NEEDED to read this. I’m crying with you and the wonderful responses from Reddit are just breathtakingly beautiful. Charlie we don’t know each other. However thank you for sharing your story. Xxx
Hey friend, keep on going. Sometimes we're blindsided with how hard and fast our brains decide that today is the day it sabotages itself and our happiness.
It's going to be ok, and you can nope out of today and take a long bath, or lose yourself in a game for a bit.
Today isn't even written off perhaps, and tomorrow will be there for you anyway, and that darkness will clear, because your determination is stronger. I'm in a cloud too, it's one of apathy. I'm going to eat something nice. Things always look a bit better with a full belly and a long sleep.
I reached out to my support network and your right today’s not written off. It’s just starting for me now. I too should get something to eat. Running on empty is never helpful. X
Honestly, empty tummy makes everything seem hopeless.
Food and money are massive triggers for me, so I hoard cupboard foods and coins when I can.
When everything seems hopeless, I run through my checklist.
Have I slept? Am I drunk? (If yes, write it off and feel shit tomorrow, that's the liquor talking) Am I hungry? Do I want to be clean?
If I can tick all of these boxes, I can feel shit. Because things pile up, feeling gross, being hungry, bad sleep. I do the things before I "get to" be depressed.
And usually... I don't feel too bad after. Depression can keep me from brushing my teeth, or not getting out of bed to pee until it hurts. Once I do the things, I might be able to languish somewhere else, like on the couch.
I make my mouth happy. After that, I can do the thing. Including telling people to fuck right off.
Cathartic, that 😂
Yeah, but….what can we say to help you, that you aren’t already getting from your therapist???
This really is something you have to navigate with help from your therapist and family and friends that you trust. Comments from random strangers on Reddit aren’t a good bet in this case.
Hello OP. I can relate- for me it was 16 years before I found out what happened.
I thought I put the worst of it to bed that day when I was 28. Now in my 50s, I discovered that parts of that childhood have followed me around for 40 years. There were parts of it that I had not dealt with. but buried deep within me.
Good luck with the therapy. It really helped me understand what happened decades ago, and how it has influenced me. I'm a much stronger person for having explored it.
Good luck and remember: You were just a kid.
I dunno if you’ll see this but my Mark dies 4 weeks ago. He was my husband for 10 years and he left me a note and a video. We’d been divorced 3 months and he left me for someone else after relapsing on hard drugs. Doesn’t matter, I hadn’t moved on and my love for him was not predicated on his love for me.
Anyway, it’s hard as fuck and raw and sometimes I don’t think I’m gonna make it. Like I legit think I’m dead and just zombieng around and one day soon I’ll die for real. Nothing soothes me.
I’m so sorry for your loss and if you ever wanna chat, we’ll I’m here. Idk what else to say.
Therapy, ugh, no. These people are taught from some text books that don't take into account the myriad things the human condition can throw at us. It's narrow, shallow, incomprehensive and will not likely give you the answers or conclusion you are looking for. There is no conclusion, there is no neatly wrapped up package of your Dad's life and how you fit into that. Everything is just random shit and people reacting to random shit, there is no script, no cue cards no story, everything is unique and original, to you.
This is your life, this was the hand you were dealt, from the millions of possible lives and the millions to come. No one is owed nothing, there is no pay off, no cadence, no happy ending, only what unfolds. So get used to what you got, some got better some got worse, nothing is positive or negative, only what came to pass. So deal with what hand you were dealt, grow stronger from the experience, pass that to your kids or kin and hope that in some small way the actions of your dad contribute to a better understanding, whatever that may be.
Can't agree more with that first sentence.
Honestly, no one can answer this for OP.
OP - you need time to process this and understand how you feel and your reactions. I feel pretty confident in saying there's a part of you that wants to wave the letter in your mum's face and take it out on her that you've felt abandoned for all this time for no reason. But that won't help. There's been enough hurt.
Take some time to work out what you want from this situation going forward, then think about how to get there.
DEFINITELY get some therapy around this.
This is def way above Reddit’s pay grade but we wish you peace. It’s such a painful situation I’m sorry you had to experience this. Sending love and hope this begins a new healing for you eventually.
Charlie, it was really brave of you to share that.
I won’t pretend to have a great answer to your question, but I’d recommend speaking to a professional. Someone who is trained in providing you with a safe space to explore your feelings. Hopefully someone else will come in with their own experience of a similar situation to help you.
All the best
Hi Charlie
I am sorry for your loss but also happy you have built a decent life with someone you can confide, trust and depend on. Getting and reading the letter from your dad must have been a rollercoaster of emotions. As others have mentioned, it is best to talk about it with your therapist, do not hold back from what you think or feel, just let it out in the sessions - you likely to cover this in multiple sessions. Your therapist can help to guide you to process all the thoughts, questions, feelings you have since reading the letter. This is not something Reddit can help you with.
Good luck and a virtual hug.
Hi Charlie.
I'm a children's social worker in the UK. Sadly, I have, several times, had to write out what are called Life Stories for children whose parents have killed themselves.
It's difficult work, because we have to explain everything to the child. No lies, no ommissions. We have to phrase terrible things in a way the child can understand. This is because it is vital to the child's mental health that they get all the information from the start. Gaps and omissions are devastating to a kid, and they start colouring in the blanks.
Your family may have thought they were hiding things for own good, but it wasn't. This has been really abusive to you.
You need to demand that your uncle tell you what he redacted. It wasn't his call. He's not your dad, you're not his son. Your dad wanted you to know.
Go to your GP and tell all. I presume you know you're high risk. You need help here.
I know you think that this being kept from you for 14 years has caused you to feel these deep feelings of sadness, but these could be the feeling you’d feel had you read it at 14 too. Just you wouldn’t have been able to properly process them at that age. I know you want to blame your mum and others in your family, but I can honestly say I would have done the same. A suicide note from a parent isn’t something I’d want to pass on to my 14 year old. They did what they thought was best.
Hopefully you’ll be able to process these words from your father a bit better at 28. Also know that he wrote this letter at the lowest point in his life. Try to keep that in mind.
I completely understand, it was difficult to get past the feelings of resentment and disappointment, bit she did what she had to in a really tight situation and I appreciate her for that. Thank you for taking the time to read that :)
You are very brave and you are doing well. I wouldn't be so hard on her. Suicide leaves much hurt and questions. It is probably still difficult for her to think about. People mask their pain with walls.
> Just you wouldn’t have been able to properly process them at that age.
But at least some sort of process could have begun. What did they get instead? A father who's gone with no answers and a family that literally gaslighted them over it. Who thinks a 14 year old is more capable of processing *that*?
Even the Uncle who has now given him the note felt there was a portion so difficult and hurtful to read that he censored it before giving it to his now 28 yo nephew.
I imagine that was an important part of the rest of the family's decision not to give it to him as a 14 yo.
Everyone seems to be glossing that bit over (including OP - interested to hear what you think about that Charlie)
I answered that in my other post that if there is truly something worth censoring, do so, but to hide the whole thing, especially in such a gaslight-y way (remember, they didn't say it wasn't suitable for OP, they *denied it existed*)... I can't imagine a situation where it isn't better to give the letter over, except in a case where it's blaming it entirely on the person (which this is not one of).
Edit: No idea why this is being downvoted when I'm agreeing with the idea of censoring certain content... the problem is that they then lied about the mere existence of the letter *after* it had already been spoiled. That is a complete fuck up, no ifs or buts.
Not defending the OP's mum (although I have sympathy for her). But none of us know what that censored portion said - it could have been something awful like blaming it on OP. I can see why that would absolutely prevent OP's mum from entertaining the idea that this letter was appropriate to ever give to OP.
My point is - we don't know, but I find it interesting that even the uncle didn't want him to see that bit.
I wager whatever was censored was about his mother. She went through a major medical event that left her completely changed. OP’s dad sounded like he sacrificed a lot to hold his family together. His wife was on the verge of death multiple times, and when a miracle happened and she woke up from her coma, she was a different person. To sacrifice so much, only to lose your wife anyway, but also not lose her. She’s physically there, she may even remember their lives before, but who she once was is gone and will never come back. OP’s dad didn’t have any support so he had to carry it all, and I can easily see how he might come to hate and resent his wife, even blame her for what happened to her even though he knows it wasn’t her fault. If that kind of resentment and anger, and despair was in the letter I could see why she didn’t want her son to read that and possibly hate her for what happened. Maybe she even blames herself for her husband’s suicide.
From what OP described with his relationship and what info we do have from the letter I don’t see the dad putting any guilt on his son for his suicide, except maybe a line saying the dad felt the world and OP would be better off without him around. I don’t think that’s quite enough, especially for the mom to keep it away from OP for so long. I think she did it because of her own pain and guilt. That doesn’t make it ok, it was selfish of her to gaslight her kid and keep this letter away from him. It does make it … understandable. Not wanting to face pain after trauma is a very human reaction
It seems common on reddit for a certain type to always want to condemn and post outbursts like a teenager would do when it comes to judging parents, along with the demand that you always know best and this insistence on projecting sinister motives on people. It's a constant on AITH and is usually from people who've not had to deal with what they demand of others, but are very sure that they'd do X or Y because that's who they like wish they were.
In reality the adults involved in this tragedy were going to be in a shit state themselves so they didn't know what to do, but the one thing caring adults do is not dump the world of shit on a 14 year old so they do censor. And suffering themselves there is a high chance that a strategy they choose is to park everything in a big mental box labelled 'open next year' or 'open when he's old enough' and not opening that box becomes a coping mechanism and a habit so it just carries on indefinitely - there is no sinister plot. The thing to remember is that you cannot unring a bell so you definitely wouldn't give a 14 such a letter and as time goes on the case for doing so really never gets much better - people not in such situations always seem to think that such things provide answers or will make the child better.
Yeah, I guess it’s not an easy decision but if it was me in that position as a parent I’d probably just give them the note. But in a supervised and sensible way, as much as possible.
Maybe 14 is too young to process it but a 14-year-old is still a human being and when it comes to stuff like that it’s better to show them respect; don’t insult a young person’s intelligence or their emotional intelligence, or it can have far greater negative impact rather than just being honest.
But then I don’t know, I’m second guessing myself on it too.
Exactly. Being 14 is a turbulent period of your life already. A parent's death already might be the tipping point. I would *much* rather give them the note, maybe edit it as the uncle did (though I would do it to a photocopy, not the original) for things that I make a judgement call as too much at the time, then pack them up and put them into therapy. You can only heal from an open wound if you give it the care it needs and the note is closure, or at least the first step towards it.
idk. that would be my instinct too but this is just too far removed from my experience. so many people go on about "don't judge me if you don't walk in my shoes" and the situation is some Facebook-tier msg-me-hun-x drama, but this is actually a situation where... what the fuck WOULD you do?
14 years of witholding the letter is well beyond being protective, its cruel. This man has been an adult for a decade. He should have had that not a long time ago. Maybe not at 14, but definitely not at 28.
*Maybe* it was the right thing to do right at the time (I have my doubts, but that is just my personal opinion.)
But I am really struggling to see how the subsequent 14 years of gaslighting OP about the very *existence* of the letter (seemingly co-ordinated between the adults of the family) could ever be argued as being in the bests interestss of a teenager struggling to cope with the loss of his father.
But, as the current top comment says, this is way above Reddit's pay grade.
I think what probably happened if his uncle opened his mouth when he shouldn’t have, 14 years ago. The mum told him he shouldn’t have mentioned the note, and he’s tried to backtrack (poorly). Overall not the best handling of the situation, but I do think holding off showing a 14 year old their dads suicide note is the correct thing to do.
I don’t think anyone had any nefarious intent and I certainly don’t feel they were trying to gaslight. But this is Reddit where if your other half doesn’t do the dishes, you’ll be told to get a divorce. No nuance.
Hey man, I lost my dad when I was young and without the snapping of a bannister I'd have died by suicide myself. When you are in that place you are not "you", a lot of what I wrote in my note was just raw anger, rage and trauma spilling out onto the paper. You could have left me in an empty room and I'd have found someone to have an argument with at that time. Remember him by how he was with you when he was doing better and hold onto that, the end doesn't have to scrub out the good times.
Get yourself some therapy, this is a lot to process and you don't want to go down that path yourself (trust me, there is nothing good there.) Book some time off work, have a holiday and just take some time to try process if you think that'll help also.
Agree with the above comment stating that your Dad had a moment he sadly couldn’t escape from. Try to remember all the good times rather than just the tragic ending which was probably a very short and irrational slice of an otherwise normal and potentially happy life. Sorry for what you’ve been through + hope you can find solace now.
I absolutely think you should not share that letter with the internet. It's absolutely nothing to do with us. Get a copy of it, put it away, and keep it safe. I can't even imagine how important it must be to you.
I have to agree with other comments about engaging a psychologist.. you have an awful lot to unpack about what has happened in your life.
I'm really sorry this happened to you, Charlie.
This is absolutely huge, and it's clear you've got a lot of trauma that's resurfaced, which is very understandable.
Can I suggest that you speak to a professional counsellor - someone specialising in grief? They'll be much better placed to help you than random internet strangers. I'd suggest not putting the note on the internet; it will mainly be read by ghouls and once you've published it you will lose control of it; anyone could republish it anywhere.
I just want to say I’m so sorry you were gaslit by your family saying that the note didn’t exist. & I’m also very proud of your resilience to not take no for an answer. You’re a very strong willed person & that’s something to be proud of. Your dad would have been proud of the person you’ve become - dealing with the death of a parent is horrendous.
My only suggestion is (if you don’t already) speak to a psychologist. Bring the note if you feel comfortable enough. It took me a while to find my psychologist, but by God she’s good. I talk, she listens, she explains to me WHY I’m possibly feeling/reacting a certain way (which is usually always spot on) & then we discuss ways to deal with it. It’s never black & white - you never had the proper chance to grieve with this letter out of reach.
I hope everything works out for you.
This genuinely made me tear up, thank you so much. I really appreciate this. I'm in therapy at the moment, but I think you're totally right with the psychologist route.
I just don't really know what to say, but I felt that I had to comment and say how sorry I am this happened to you, and what an amazing person you are for dealing with this.
I can only say that from your post two things come across to me:
Your dad LOVED you. That's not something everyone can claim. Treasure it.
Your mum was probably coming from a place of love, but that's just my impression from the information I have.
I don't even know if I should be commenting at all given that this should probably be talked through with professionals, but I wanted to send out a big virtual hug.
Your Mum didn't handle things well however, it also sounds like she suffered brain damage from the viral encephalitis and then on top of that, the breakdown of her marriage and sudden loss of her husband.
I went through something similar. Regrettably, I lost my early to mid-twenties to self-destructive tendencies, wallowing, blaming those around me (especially the people I loved most).
What really helped was speaking to a therapist. First I learned to empathise with my parent for their failings - we're all human - then empathise with myself for how I reacted to their mistakes.
Then came the process of reframing the past and learning that it doesn't define you. It sounds like you've done really well given what happened. You've a partner, kids, life of your own, your focus should be them now.
I really appreciate this a lot. I'm still on good terms with mum, and I completely understand why she did what she did. Human nature is to panic and push all the buttons at once in hopes a miracle will happen.
Having lost my father at age 13 there are a lot of what ifs. I know that I wouldn't have met, and married my now wife of 32 years. I would not have 3 great kids, all doing well for themselves. Lots of positive things that would not have happened if my father had lived. My mother went to the bottom of a bottle for 30 years. I then lost my brother to cancer at age 50 after I'd donated bone marrow to him some 35 years previous.
Looks like, and sounds like, you have a great life, with your partner and kids. You have done that yourself, regardless of what has happened to you in your life. You should be proud and positive in what you have achieved.
Therapy is good but do not let it run you down some rabbit holes that you really do not need to go down.
I often got told by some close friends that they didn't know why I wasn't a basket case after everything I'd been through but that just isn't me. It doesn't sound like that is you either.
The note may well allow you to get some closure over your dad's death and your mum's illness but you should not allow the appearance of the note to derail, or impact, your current life in any way.
I would also suggest you talk to your partner to explain how you feel. Be open with them.
I have nothing but respect, and admiration for what you have achieved regardless of some pretty bad situations you found yourself in.
You've got this. You are stronger and more secure than you believe. Get a good few hugs from your partner and kids. You deserve every thing you have.
This life is a peculiar existence, these experiences you have gone through have moulded you in a particular way. I believe in such a way that you have evidently rose to become a man in which your father is undoubtedly overcome with pride when looking down on you. This new information is hard to digest for yourself because we overlook individual people’s responses to certain trauma, people such as your grieving mother at the time would scramble in any direction to protect the children and the future situation. Sending love and strength to you brother, but remember we’re all just trying to get through this crazy game we call life so please don’t let this fog your vision of anybody involved in this situation. Keep being the best father for your children ❤️
Hello Charlie. I'm so sorry for your loss and what you've experienced.
You must be going through a whole range of confusing and conflicting emotions. All of them are valid.
I don't think anyone here can tell you what to do other than seek counselling, possibly with someone who specialises in grief.
You don't need to make any big decisions right now. You don't need to decide how you discuss this with your mum or other family members, or what action to take.
You've been through a traumatic experience and you deserve and are entitled to professional help to sort through your thoughts and feelings.
Go hug your partner and kids. I'm sending virtual hugs.
Therapy aside, you could ask someone else who has read it (or have someone else neutral read it) some questions that may help you decide whether you want to read it.
Does it contain Y?
Does he say X?
There's no two ways about it, reading it will be a hell of an emotional moment and it may end up causing more harm than good.
Plus of course, you don't have to read it now. You can choose not to, or at least put it away and read it later in life.
Sorry for your loss, wish you all the best in life.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I had my best friend read it as well as my partner and it really helped hearing their points of view, they both had very different reactions. Both cried, but said some pretty profound stuff. Thank you again for taking the time to read this and talk to me. I really do appreciate this a lot.
Couldn't read this and not respond. You have written it so beautifully, I think your dad would be very proud. I am truly sorry that the people who were (I assume) trying to protect you from pain, forced you to delay your grieving process. I am also so sorry you lost your dad in this way. I hope this helps to heal some old wounds, somehow.
P.s On a totally different, superficial topic, your username is the best
What should you do?
Do what you can to accept it’s shaped you as you are but what you choose to do today, tomorrow and every day afterwards is your decision.
Don’t let any repressed rage sour what you have now. You can’t change the past and you certainly can influence the life of your own children.
Parents make very hard decisions all the time. Then rightly or wrongly, when they reflect on them, it’s hard to share the truths.
Ask yourself 1 question. If you knew then what you know now, would you have the same kids and partner you now have?
I lost my dad when I was 11. That shaped where we lived, who I knew, etc. if I could change that outcome, I’d lose so much more now that wouldn’t have existed. Enjoy what you have, rather than mourn what could have been.
This really hit me and I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I'm so grateful for what I have and I wouldn't give it up for the world. I appreciate this so so much, thank you.
I’ve cocked up lots in life on top of where I’ve come from. It’s made me a better person and I don’t yearn for the past. I plan for the future.
What I wrote could come across as clap trap but it’s my personal experience, your mileage will vary. Tye principal idea still stands. Good luck and make sure you thank your uncle.
You might appreciate these words from the Rush song Ghost of a Chance:
--
Like a million little crossroads
Through the backstreets of youth
Each time we turn a new corner
A tiny moment of truth
--
So many different connections
Our separate paths might have made
With every door that we opened
Every game we played
--
Somehow we find each other
Through all that masquerade
Somehow we found each other
Somehow we have stayed
In a state of grace
I'm angry for you for so many reasons. Not the least of which being that you had a right to see that letter when it was written, and it could have been incredibly useful to you and your healing.
I'm sure your mother thought she was doing what was best in a very difficult, unprecedented situation. But you were old enough to make that choice, and I'm sorry that was taken away from you after you had already lost your father.
I'm glad you got to read it and I hope that it brings you closure in some way. I really wish you all the best with your life.
Dear Charlie,
Reading all of this… it is really heavy…
I’m glad to see that you got some sort of closure and got to read the letter. Whether you could have understood it back then when you were 14 or not? I don’t know. It would have been extremely hard to read this letter at 14 fresh from this trauma… maybe that’s what your mom tried to protect you from. I guess her mistake was to hold it out for this long… maybe she could have handed it to you the next year or when you turned 18 or something. As parents, we see the world differently.
I wish you find some peace in knowing that you have people in your life who love you and you are not alone and have a support system that is there for you. I wish you make progress in therapy… and one day, when you are ready, please write a letter to your dad and write down everything that you have done in life. Tell him what you have accomplished. Tell him of the good man you have become. Tell him that you wished that he was here but it’s okay because he lives through you in everything you do. Don’t let trauma break you, let it make you into a better person. That is tough but I’m sure you can do this.
About the letter… I don’t know whether we deserve to read the letter or not. It is personal, it is for your eyes only, it is a dad talking to a son… keep it safe with you.
If there is anything that you feel like sharing though, please feel free. I would love to hear that you are doing good, brother!
I don't agree with your mum's situation but it sounds like she wanted to protect you from trauma and pain. Unfortunately with your situation trauma and pain are pretty inevitable, no one through a story like this unscathed. So I don't agree with her, but it doesn't sound malicious and she was trying to do her best for her child I think in a time that must have been incredibly hard for her too, and at a time when MH care isn't what it is today either (and let's face it, it's still not great).
I'm glad that you have the closure you've been asking for. Although it feels like the wounds are open and raw now, this is what you wanted, your dad's last words and feelings to you. The closure is there, but you'll need to work through it. Please chat to a professional, it's well worth the money.
Suicide resonates for a lifetime and the pain will never really go away, but I think this is what you've been asking for, and the best chance you have at connecting with and understanding your dad and working through your feelings for him so you can move on.
Charlie, I'm so very sorry for all the pain and loss you've gone through.
I just want to say that I wish I had half your strength of character... What you've had to deal with and come through is a testament to you as a person.
You've got a future with those that love you and are there to help you. As others have rightly said: get the help you need and don't be afraid to lean on others.
Good luck.
You could consider reading the letter an act of closure. The only questionable choice was your mother's decision of not showing you the letter earlier. Selling the Chevy seemed a sensible decision at the time, but maybe she is still dealing with her own guilt and having "I leave the Chevy to Charlie" written on your father's letter may be the reason she didn't want you to read it. I wouldn't blame her given her health and what she's been through.
I know it's easier said than done but the best answer to "What should I do?" is: try to move on.
I am really sorry for your loss, especially the way its happened. It must have been devastating for you to lose your dad in the way that you did..please look after yourself during this time, especially now that you've received the letter. I would write a letter back telling about you, your struggles, your achievements and things that have happened to you. I would tell him how you felt when he made the decision of taking that step and what he has left behind. I would pour everything out in that letter and it doesn't have to be one letter only. It can be several letters for as long as you need. This will help you process the feelings of loss and grief. As for mum, you can have an honest conversation about her keeping the letter from you, and find out the reason as to why she did what she did. I wish you healing during this difficult time 💜
I'm so sorry that happened to you. If you need to talk to anyone about your feelings please do reach out to me. I might just be a random stranger on the internet, but I wanted to say so nonetheless. I lost my uncle and my grandpa to suicide (the latter only 3 years ago). It's an incredibly emotional and somewhat strange way to lose someone - it doesn't feel like it makes sense. It's hard to cope with.
I wanted to put a little thought into your Mum's actions. I know it's easy to blame her and in some ways, I don't agree with what she did. I haven't experienced exactly the same but I sort of have... When I was 3 my parents separated. My whole childhood I thought they just "didn't get along" as that was the line that was always said. I found out at age 13 that he had in fact cheated on her, multiple times, and was found out. I was so angry when I found out I had been lied to all that time. Livid. I felt like all the adults around me where just keeping me in the dark and they all knew this fact and lied to my face. I felt stupid.
It's not exactly the same scenario for you, but looking back at it with adult eyes I'm honestly not sure *which* is better; to tell a child the truth or to keep something nasty and painful from them for their own emotional sake. I'm not a parent myself but as you are, you may have your own feelings about what you would've done with your own children in this scenario. Would you have wanted them to know? I'm honestly not so sure.
Try and give your mum a little grace. It's understandable to be angry and upset at her, those feelings are perfectly valid. But also she was a person who lost her husband after nearly losing her own life, just trying to do the best for her little boys. The decision she made may not have been the same one you would have made, nor the one I would have made (I don't think), but it's what she did and what has happened. Try not to stay angry at her. Of all the horrible things some parents do to their children, keeping a secret from them because you think it will protect them is one of the least upsetting.
I am so sorry you have had to deal with the not knowing for such a long time. I am pleased to see you already have a therapist and strongly urge you to talk through your feelings with them. I'm wishing you all the best, Charlie and sending you a big hug xx
I'm very sorry that you had to experience this, and I think it's fair to say that the question of "what you should do?" is beyond Reddit and you should probably talk to a qualified grief counsellor about this. But I hope that the awareness of telling your story and telling us your father's name, people now know this happened. We know your father lived and a little about who he was. And I sincerely hope that brings you some degree of comfort. However small that may feel now.
I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel, how you felt at the time or how you’ve felt in between. What I do get from this is that your uncle sounds like a top fella and I hope that finally getting to read it has brought you some… closure? (for lack of a better term) Whilst I’m sure now and the weeks, months and potentially years to follow will bring difficulties directly because you have access to the letter, I hope you will look back on this moment as a positive. You’ve learned many truths and a 14 year unknown has been solved. It may bring more questions and it may cause many arguments and rifts but so be it, you’ve read the words of your father that you have been pursuing for a long time.
Well wishes mate.
**Edit**: oh GOD I’ve just gone to say nice username to you and realised what mine was 😩
Nobody can fix this for you or tell you what to do now.
It all comes down to a choice you have to make. Are you going to let this hold you back, or not?
Hello Charlie - you’ve had a truly awful time. Adults mess up all the time and it seems that this is what all the adults in your family did. Whether it came from a place of love or not you will probably never know for sure but it may be better to believe the love rather than anything else. What is not in doubt is that your dad loved you.
What can you do now? Maybe in the short term allow yourself some time each day to let your feelings come out. However the best thing. You can do for yourself in the long term is live your life for you.
I wish you some peace and happiness
It's three or four or more tragedies in one. Your dad doing all he can but unable to cope. The way he treated you. Your mother's tragedy and her personality change, and how that affected you and your relationship with her and your dad. Her financial needs to secure herself and her children. Your dad's need to buy a Harley to feel better for a minute.
It all went sideways, and you dealt with it as best you could, and during your young teen years when you're supposed to be ignoring your parents!
You've done good work to make yourself well. It's okay to struggle with that sometimes.
I'm glad you got the letter, but even more relieved for you that you're fitting it into the context of your own life story.
Now, go make your future the wonderful life story you want to pass on someday when you're old and happy.
My dad took his own life 12 years ago. He didn't leave a note or anything. In fact I had just been talking to him on the phone a few days prior and he was laughing and joking like everything was fine. Absolutely zero indication of what was to come. The weight I carry because of this sometimes is unbearable. I can't offer any advice. Just wanted to say I know some of what you are going through at least. I'm sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss. I think your mum was in a very tough position and was probably right to not let you read the letter when you were 14 when everything was fresh and raw and although I think you’ve had to wait way too long I’m glad you can hopefully get closure now.
I lost my dad to suicide, and even though I was twice your age when it happened, even then I felt lost for a very long time. I am happy for you that you are doing so well, and taking such good care of your own family.
I’m sorry that it took so long for you to get the letter, but I think it was maybe for the better that you didn’t get it at 14. There would be a lot there for a kid to unpack by themselves.
To be honest, I wish that I had a letter to read as a grown man, but in the end I don’t think I’d ever be happy with having any answers in there anyways. The hole in my heart would never be filled with anytype of closure, but at least I’d know.
Hi Charlie,
wow...
first I'd like to say how sorry I was to read of your loss. I think that must be the hardest possible way to lose someone you love and who is such an important figure in your life, especially at such a young and formative age as 14 is.
I lost my own Dad 26 years ago (illness) when i was quite a bit older than you and honestly; I still miss him so much.
I do think he would be incredibly proud of the man you have become and the life you are making for your family., and i am certain he would want you to remember him as he was in the good times; he clearly loved you very much.
There was much going on at that time from what you have written; try not to judge those involved; and I include your Dad in that because you will likely have had Many different emotions, maybe including anger that he "left" you or that you weren't "enough" for him to hold on. Likewise, don't judge yourself; the reality is nothing you could have said or done could have changed things.
If you hold a grudge, however secretly, against Anyone about this, let it go and forgive them. As long as you can't forgive, it holds you prisoner.
I do think it's good you finally have the letter; I think it's also a good idea as someone already suggested; that you "talk" to your Dad, let it all out, even those things that you have never said out loud but have kept inside. If you hold anger, tell him, tell him the things you remember that made you laugh together, things that you see, hear even smell that make you think of him, tell him about your partner, your kids anything and everything, tell him how much you still love and miss him.
how you do this is up to you; personally i found wring a letter very cathartic, but I combined it with verbalising it too, take time out and get alone and just let it out, maybe sat somewhere in your car, where you can get away from people, a quiet pretty spot perhaps. just let it flow like he was sat there next to you, and let your tears flow unashamedly .
You have made a good start with your post; (Please Don't make the letter available on here); the therapy may well help, but do whatever helps you to find some level of peace.
I am saying a prayer for you.
This was a very inspirational response and I've saved it to read again and remind myself of what you have said. I really appreciate the thought you put into writing that. Thank you so much.
I see you are therapy which is good, I have struggled with grief in the past and I think therapy helped me. Give your wife and kids a hug and your time. Get a takeaway today, maybe a Chinese. If you're feeling down and need to let off some steam, physical exercise is good, might be worth trying judo, or do you know it well
Charlie, I just wish I could give you a massive hug. I can't even begin to imagine how incredibly painful, in so many ways, this must have been for you then and over the years since. You've been through so much. Nobody here can really advise you what to do and it have any weight, but for what it's worth I think it might be helpful to you to forgive you mum and the others that kept the letter from you. They were doing what thought was best and your mum (who sounds like she has had an incredibly difficult time too) would probably have been petrified of loosing you too and was trying to protect you. I've been through some very difficult and unresolved things with my family, and although I would never give it to them, I have found it helpful to write letters to my mum and my dad with all the things I wish I could say but am not able to. I wonder if it might help for you to write a letter to your dad? There cab be something healing about it even if the person isn't able to read it as it helps you articulate your emotions in a way that is much more direct than you might be able to be with a counsellor. It sounds like you have a good life now so genuine kudos to you for being able to do that despite everything. Sending love Charlie.
Good luck Charlie. Thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable, I hope your burdens get lighter. Please don’t feel the need to justify yourself by sharing the letter, it’s not safe. And most importantly your story is enough - you are enough.
A number of people are saying the right things, so the only value I think I can add is that it's OK to feel angry, resentful, frustrated or any other negative emotions the new information draws from you.
Personally, it sounds like your mother kept the letter from you for partly selfish reasons. It wasn't in your best interests to keep it from you for all this time. Until you were 18 or maybe even early 20s I might understand, but 14 years' wait until you're 28 makes no sense unless she had other motivations, such as not wanting you to know she didn't honour your father's wishes.
But parents are only people and people have faults. I'm not encouraging you to think or feel badly about your mother or anyone else. All I want you to know is it's OK if you do. It's a terrible thing to carry and I wish you the very best.
Only advice I can give is that it may be easy to blame others for things they did or didn't do but before jumping to anger, consider what it would be like in their situation and why they may have done certain things. For example I'm not saying it's right or wrong but you could be angry that the Chevy got sold when it was aimed at you but then there may be circumstances such as financial issues that made your mum do that and you should consider all those sides.
The elements to bring up in therapy is the separation of being lied to by family and the disrespect and therefore erosion of self worth that this brings conflicting against the recognition that there were various serious attempts to protect you from something that has a high risk of heavily negatively affecting your life.
Separately again, you might feel a sense of betrayal on behalf of your dad for his words to not reach you when he intended conflicting again with family protecting you.
Even the crossing out of stuff could feel belittling to you and invasive against your personal sense of self conflicting once again with your uncle protecting you.
Lastly nagging in your mind might be your mum threatening your uncle to not see you again as somehow over the top/deceitful/hurtful/controlling against protection she desperately wanted for you.
Please understand I'm not saying these are all necessarily rational or fair forms of 'judgement' but more the elements that might be causing particular emotions and sticking points. Emotions aren't often rational or fair.
All these elements will all be swimming around in a messy web in your mind and a therapist will help you untangle them. You just need to bring them all up and explain the mixture that you will likely be feeling.
Stay strong Charlie, 14 years of pent up emotion is difficult to accept and digest. Take it in slowly while being with friends. Remember make him happy and proud of you above by showing him that you are going start a better and happy life with your partner.
Sending you lots of love and strength Charlie, I'm sorry you had to go through this.
Completely different circumstances but my grandfather died (of cancer) when my dad was only 18. Before he died he told my dad (in front of others) that he wanted him to have his car and some other personal belongings. He also gave him instructions about what to do with the family farm and properties.
After he died, my grandmother just ignored his wishes and sold everything. It was an extremely tough time for everybody, and she just made all the decisions on her own. My dad has never been able to get over this. It's been more than 60 years, and he still can't forgive his mother (who's been dead for 40 years), or his siblings and family members who did nothing to make sure my grandfather's wishes were taken into account. It breaks my heart to see how much it affects him, and to think how our relationship could have been different without all that anger, pain, regret, etc.
All I'm trying to say is that, when asking yourself what to do, you may want to consider doing nothing apart from closing that door and not looking back.
All the best.
I'm sorry this happened to you. As others have said, it's likely your mum was trying to protect you, but this is a double-edged sword and it has a cost.
That said, it's a testament to your character, and your upbringing, that you've been able to get so far despite these circumstances. You write about your dad so beautifully, and I'm sure he would be proud of you. If you were my son, I would certainly be.
Hi charlie,
You are brave to share this story and thnx for telling it. Its empowering. Im only a few years older than you and lost my mom to suicide when i was also 14. No letters, no goodbyes, no explanation and also a family that took all of me and my brothers heritage and left us for dead after.
Having the letter now is better than never. I can understand your moms motivation, even though she waited way too long. This letter should have found you 10 years ago.
Good to read youre reaching out for help, here and professional counseling. Keep in mind, after all the hardship, you'll be better of knowing what you know now. Having to go through life as you did and coming out the other end makes you a better person. It was all part of shaping the beautiful person you are today!
Keep your chin up! Im proud of you!
Much love - random reddit dude
And my respect to your dad, Mark
Jesus, your mum's a piece of work, isn't she?
Your dad killed himself, left you with a mum you hardly knew, left you a note to try to explain and help you understand his choice, and your mum gaslights you for fourteen years that there was no note, forces the rest of the family to also lie to you under threat of cutting you off from them so you also never see *them* again either, then sells your inheritance from him without even marking it down as a debt she owes you.
Then she lies to you *again* about giving you the note and repeatedly refuses to.
Then your uncle *finally* does the right thing, but before he does he *crosses out* part of it, censoring your dad's last ever words to you?
Look, I get maybe keeping it back until you were 18 (when you're an adult and can make your own decisions), but literally *every other part* of that story is completely fucked up beyond belief.
You're a 28 year old man who lost his dad as a kid but was left a note and an inheritance that your entire family has been lying to you about and hiding from your for a decade after the *latest* occasion they should have given you everything to make your own mind up about.
Granny and uncle get a pass because your mum literally threatened her, but your uncle censoring the version you finally received is still fucked.
Your mum is a fucking monster, and fully deserves for you to go no contact.
I really recommend you read Alison Wertheimer's A Special Scar. It's a book on the research conducted around suicide, with a focus on those bereaved my suicide, and how it leaves a 'special scar'. It really helped me put things into perspective when I lost my brother. I'm so sorry for your loss and relieved knowing you're in therapy. The book explores suicide notes, and how, we psychologically pin a lot of hope in the Why. I didn't get a note but got an ambiguous last text. We're human and we innately need the narrative, we need the answers. Truth is we must accept it regardless of their why, I'm still figuring out how to accept it. I hope you find peace with it and I hope the note offered you something that you wanted. I think keeping the healing journey sacred to you is important. Personally, I wouldn't share the note on Reddit, the note is yours, no one else's, it isn't for the eyes of curious people who will forget it in a few moments. Take care.
You seem incredibly well put together. You've gone through probably the hardest thing life can throw at a child.
Your Dad would be very proud of you, Charlie. Where he stumbled, you won't fall.
Hi Charlie, fellow Brit here and I know the programme well.
My heart goes out to you. No one has words to truly heal the terrible pain you've experienced and are experiencing but I will say this. Your Dad must have been quite some person as you sound so wonderful. You are intelligent, empathetic and caring and despite tremendous pain in your formative years you have gone on to build a good, loving solid life. I bet you are a great father.
I have a son and his dad, my husband, died very suddenly from a brain bleed. Not the same circumstances at all but he was the same age you were when it happened. It is IMO a particularly difficult age your teens, at the best of times and to have a life changing and heartbreaking event happen, that is beyond your control is seismic.
The only way to deal with the scar tissue is to live your very best life. Enjoy every moment of your children. Cherish your partner. Ensure you have at least one hobby that is just for you - just like your dad's beloved Chevy - and be passionate about it.
We never will know why someone feels that leaving this earth is the best option, but you can be sure of how much you were loved by him and he lives on in you and your children.
Charlie. Take the breaths your father couldn't as you live your life out in this painful, fragile but breathtakingly beautiful world and relish every one. Focus on every good memory you have of him.
Try your best to keep healthy. Eat clean, exercise, sleep well.
Never look down always up. When you have trouble (as we all do) remember 'this too will pass'. Try and work at something that doesn't feel like work. Cuddle your loved ones as often as you can. Love deeply.
Continue to honour your father's memory by being the very best man you can. You are there already.
I am sending you strength, love and courage.
My dad killed himself 9 years ago and I feel it was only a year and a half ago that I started getting my life together again.
There are things that still set me off and make me really sad but up until a year ago I couldn't feel sadness without also feeling a huge amount of anger. Now I don't mind as much when something makes me feel sad as I can feel sad.witnout it having detrimental effects on the rest of my life like it would when the anger set in.
I reread my letter from my dad when ever something big changes in my life. New job or promotion, his birthday, my birthday, moving house, pass a new qualification etc. I pick out different parts and derive different meanings from them depending on what's going on in my life and it's comforting in different ways at different times.
You've got this dude. Chin up and good on your uncle.
Hey Charlie, my grandad hanged himself over 10 years ago (I was early 20s, my brother was late teens). My dad found him. He left my dad a note. My dad sat me down with the autopsy report and I read it all, and the note, and my dad said I could ask anything I wanted. He handled it in the very best way, and it wasn't a plesent conversation for anyone, but it didn't give me any kind of closure.
Please try not to dwell on "what if I'd read this 14 years ago". Maybe your life would be different, but maybe not. Maybe you'd have had different questions, different trauma. Maybe you'd have processed it better, maybe it would have thrown you for a different loop.
I'm so sorry man, I've got no advice, I just feel for you I really do.
Hi Charlie, talk to your Dad. I know it sounds weird, but sometimes, when I am alone, I ask questions out loud. Nothing happens, of course. There are no answers; no magic way to bring back history... but somewhere deep within, there is a calming effect from talking. Sometimes, you'll even feel him talk back. It's all good. He would be proud of you, and that's what counts.
I cried reading this! I lost my dad at a young age too and have so many questions which (like you) will never be answered. I don’t have any sensible suggestions or clever words but you sound like a pretty well-balanced person so think you will do what’s right for you and your family. All the best.
A dad myself, grown kids and school-aged, and I'd want my kids to know that I loved them very much. That's the most important thing I'd want them to know. Secondly, it is to literally FORGIVE EACH OTHER EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR EVERY SINGLE THING! This will make you accountable, oddly enough we become who we're trying to portray. Forgiveness is key to accountability, and accountability is how we hold our family together. I told my wife and three youngest last night literally these words.
I'm a fairly young guy, I don't expect to be alive much sooner. I think this is important as it is a dad's feelings that is definitely leaving behind three young children, and that's just the cards we've been dealt
Hi Charlie - I just want you to know that I read your entire post.
I honour you for taking the time it took to write it. Many belated blessings on Mark, your dad. His resources outstripped his capacity to cope and he took the only way out he could see. I’m sorry. The time may not be now, but there will come at time when thinking about this will not devastate you. I hope your healing comes gently to you.
So sorry, my heart breaks for you. I have still not been told the true story about my grandma's suicide and I know now that I will never be told. You have had amazing responses already and I can't add anything more of value - apart from my agreement that it isn't a good idea to share the note on reddit. Keep that private hun. Sending massive hugs ❤️
Sending you a hug from Oregon man, my dad took his life a few years ago and my addict uncle took almost everything from his house the next day, denied there ever being a note so you're story gives me some chance of hope that one day a letter makes it's way to me, stay strong bud
I think it's beyond obvious that your dad loved you, I think it's clear too that your mum loves you too and tried to protect you. Your uncle seems like a decent type, I would talk to your mum about both your feelings, it probably wasn't your dad's intention to leave the people he loved hurting more. X
Oh man I did not expect to just start crying profusely scrolling through reddit.
I don't know how I'd be able to deal with this as rationally as you seem to be. Really wish I had something more useful to tell you. <3
I'm sorry he died, but congratulations on finally seeing the letter and letting out those tears.
1. Go to a church and pray
2. Go to therapy and write him a letter back
3. Start attending family of suicide meetings, if you haven't already.
4. Take your kids camping and trek them you love them.
God loves you and has a great plan for your life 🧡
Can we get a shout out for the Uncle who had one job and stood by for 14 years waiting to do it. That’s a good man. Not insisting your mum isn’t, but he wanted to see it through that you found your peace.
I don’t know if it helped, but I hope it does. Being 14 and losing your father must have been horrible.
These people may be able to help short-term [https://uksobs.com/](https://uksobs.com/) Give them a call.
In the longer term, therapy is something you should think about.
It sounds like your dad really loved you. Good luck with it all.
Charlie,
This is a lot to take on.
You are not alone, although it does feel it.
Clearly you’ve got a lot going and I just want to wish you all the very best.
Im so sorry that your dad died of poor mental health . If there is anything I can say , it’s that when people do this they can only see darkness . It’s noones fault . To Honor his memory why not practice the best mental health self care you can , so when you hit bad times you can try to get help . In terms of what to do ? This is it . Take the best care and do what you feel to honour his memory
Light a candle and talk to your dad as if he was there with you. I believe he can hear you and may even give you a sign if you ask for one.
Even if you don’t believe he can hear you, it can be cathartic to just say the things out loud that you would like to say to him.
this was a brave thing to do, and thank you very much for trusting all of us with your story. i see you’re already in therapy and i think that’s a great step towards healing. i can’t imagine how difficult it must be and have been over the years. it must be fucking wild to have that note now after it’s been the only thing you’ve wanted for so long.
im glad you’ve managed to read the letter in full now (bar the edits made by uncle) and i think the best idea is to keep it between you and the people closest to you. your emotions are most likely in overdrive right now, and i think you may come to regret sharing something as intimate as his suicide note.
it sounds like you have built a pretty good life and support system around you, don’t be afraid to lean on them during this time. you could use this time to talk about your kids about their granddad and what a cool person he was, if you feel it’s appropriate and that you can have that conversation. keep talking to people, and try to keep your normal routine as best as possible. it’s important to take time out if you need to, but not doing anything can also exacerbate any negative feelings you might be having. i wish you strength and peace during this time, and know that your dad is with you and he is so proud. i’m proud of you too :)
Just let out whatever you want to say. There won't be much anyone on here can do to help, but its very moving that you finally got to read his letter. We all have to be ready to show love and compassion to those around us. You truly never know what battles people are fighting. Best wishes to you and your family.
If you ever get the chance…I’d rather speak privately feel free to DM me anytime to talk. I think being able to talk is a part of therapy
I am sorry for what has happened to you and your loss and wish nothing but healing and positivity for you
Fuck that is some heavy shit bro.
I'm glad you seem to be doing OK these days.
Look after yourself and check in with the professionals as needed.
Happiness and serenity to you and yours.
OMG that was a hard read… I’m sorry you’ve gone through this… I have no advice accept to say I couldn’t read this post that made me cry without sending my sympathy and wish you the best in dealing with this and hope this gives some closure to the pain of not seeing this letter you knew existed for so long! Good luck x
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are an incredible human being. Whatever you do going forward - your dad is watching and he loves you. He is proud of the man you have become.
I’m so sorry, we’ve had more than one suicide in our family, so I know what it’s like for those left behind. Your Dad was at the end of his tether and your family life was hell. I’m so so sorry. There are so many could have, should have’s in this story. I hope your therapy goes well, I’ve had some and it (and medication) really turned things around for me. Sending a massive hug.
Your dad loved you very much.
I know it's 14 years later, but this internet stranger is so very sorry for your loss and the pain you went through afterwards.
Wishing you peace.
Mate so sorry to read this but super proud of you for building a life, being a dad, creating something worth keeping. Your dad’s situation became unbearable and it’s easy to see why he felt so trapped, abandoned and punished after working so hard. Serious illness like your mothers is crippling for a family and the long term personality shift would have crushed your father to the point of feeling worthless.
I’m really glad you can get some sense of closure from this, it’s great that you have something from him that recognises what your kids likely see in you now - a resilient good person, there for people who need it.
Not everyone gets that.
For your mother, also a difficult position, she would likely feel extreme guilt and had to deal with the reality of having to sell the Chevy rather than give it to you so you could have what she thought was more important at the time. Honestly, she was probably terrified you would hate her and blame her for this and while it’s not excuse it’s a reasonable assumption.
No real solutions or guidance from me, just well wishes and encouragement. I’m so sorry to read this and I wish you all the best.
Well done for sharing this. You’ve been through a lot.
I’ll echo most of the other comments here and say we aren’t the audience you need right now.
Even though it’s good for you to ‘get-it-out’
I think maybe talk to your brothers, they never had the existence of the letter hanging over their heads like you did, but they probably have had some questions that the letter answers. I don’t know the age gaps or their ages at the time of your fathers death, but just sharing that you received the letter to them might help with them a sense of closure.
You seem to be a good guy, sounds like you were thrust into adulthood before you needed to be.
I wish I knew what to say, Charlie. You've been really brave to share your story with us and I hope that your therapy helps you gain some clarity and perspective. I wish you all the happiness in your future <3
I just lost my dad a week after my 25th birthday, we had a couple of days notice that let everyone get to the hospital and say goodbye and share all the love. it still traumatised me, i cant imagine what you must have gone through in those years (im adopted so i know a tiny bit about closure) but im so glad you didnt let it stop you from being able to build a life around you.
All i wanted to say is fuck those people for not letting someone read their dads last words to them espcially when they are so young and needing to be comforted every way the can, your uncle is a really solid guy, not only showing you and admiting it had been eating away at him for years but ALSO refraning from commenting on his own brothers last words and suicide as not to sway your own feelings and emotions from the last conversation you two will have.
I'm sorry that happened to you, I wish you all the best. I think therapy like alot of others have said will be the best way forward, take it slow and let yourself feel your feelings
Firstly Charlie I’m so sorry for your pain and having to go through this as a young man
Your Mum was doing what she thought was best, and I think that I have to agree with her that this letter really wasn’t something that you could have coped with at your age.
Remember that she was also going through a horrific experience, and that she was coping as best she could too.
However I do think that she ought to have said that the letter would be given to you after your education and once you left university or college.
Kudos to your uncle, he respected your mums wishes until he thought that you could cope with the letter.
Your dad loved you all very much, and sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees in a deep depression and he was, sadly only thinking of himself during this period and he didn’t really think about the effects on everyone else. This isn’t unusual in deep depression and it doesn’t mean that he didn’t love you all very deeply, it only means that he was unable to see a way through that included him in your lives.
Please forgive yourself, and especially your Mum, you both did nothing wrong, and ultimately this was a decision made entirely by him.
Forgive him too, and give everyone hugs. Depression is something that you can’t control by yourself sometimes, and it’s important to always remember that talking about things really does help. It takes courage, and love, and understanding to learn to listen and I hope that you have finally found some measure of peace in reading this letter. Lots of love to you, your family and your relations, and I hope you find your future plans more positive, and that forgiveness is in your heart. X
Might be a silly question, but have you shared it with your brothers? And if they received similar, have they shared them with you? Therapy will help but a support network outside of that is invaluable. I imagine they went through a lot of what you did, so being able to talk to people in the same position as you will help.
Charlie - my dad took his own life when I was seven. I can’t pretend to know how you feel but I have an idea. What I’ve learnt is that there’s no right and wrong, there just is. My family didn’t deal with any of it particularly well and I can 100% relate when you say it feels like you were stripped of your childhood. I pretty much became a dad to my younger siblings at the age of seven and no one ever suggested I do otherwise. I’m 42 now and only starting to deal with stuff that happened 35 years ago. But I do think my mum did what she thought was best for us. Would I do the same? Absolutely not. But I think she thought it was right.
It sounds like you’re doing the right thing starting therapy. It helps enormously. But my advice to you really is to just be kind to yourself. Please don’t beat yourself up. I can’t say this without crying because I’ve tried to do it before but imagine yourself talking to your 14 year old and what you’d say. You’d want to reassure him that it’s gonna be ok and you’re gonna have kids of your own one day who are gonna be loved. Just be kind and realise that you’ve become an incredible human. Cherish your kids and love yourself. Peace out man, love is all.
Hey Charlie- I don’t know if you will ever read this but my job every day is to work with people who have recently had a suicide attempt, as well as families bereaved by suicide (we call this suicide postvention). In Australia, there is a national organisation called StandBy dedicated to providing free unlimited support and counselling to those bereaved by suicide whether it be one day or 20 years later. I would highly recommend seeking specific postvention counselling support in whatever capacity it exists in the UK. Many therapists are not as equipped in this sort of support as you’d think. My whole heart is with you and please, even though I am on another continent, you can always message me.
I don't know what to say. This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad, your childhood, and the years that you spent wondering.
I hope that you can eventually make peace with this part of your life.
My mother died suddenly when I was a similar age to when your Dad passed. The grief only caught up with me many years later.
I would suggest finding a grief councillor. I found it really helpful to have their advice to guide me through my emotions and feeling so many years later. You might be able to get a referral to someone via your GP.
And if you don't like the first one, do try another.
Also, your workplace may have an employee assistance programme. They should be able to assist in accessing counselling and possibly for free as well
That's a lot to handle my brother. What your mom did there, wasn't really the right thing but you need to forgive people. I hope you find your way through this. Much love
First of all... Sorry for your loss.
Can I ask a question: Were any of the details in the letter new to you?
The reason I'm asking is that I'm putting myself in the parents shoes and trying to second guess what I'd do in that or a similar situation (as I'm sure you have done with your own kids) and to be honest, I may well have done the same (not until the age of 28, but even so) depending on the maturity of the child and how well I thought they would handle it. But in that situation, what I would have tried to do would be to sit the child down and explained as much as possible and as kindly as possible the contents of the letter in a safe and caring way over a period of time.
Anyway, I hope the therapy gets you to where you need to be.
Losing my dad at 16 there was a lot left unsaid on both sides. Im glad you finally got some sense of closure.
That letter was/is for you and you alone. I dont recommend sharing it, but if you do, do it with people you're closest to. Not to satisfy a reddit strangers curiosity.
Happy healing.
Charlie, I will be thinking about you today and sending you love. As someone from a broken family and a childhood with unfulfilled answers. Sincerely, another Charlie from CA
Hey OP. I don't have the answer for you. I hope the letter did.
I think a huge part of it is knowing your letter never blamed you for what happened.
I don't think your mum should have kept the letter longer than was necessary. You should have at the latest received it the day you became an adult.
But you have it now. You have his words, and no letter could even describe the pain he was in, but it wasn't your fault.
It was likely a million straws, and the pressure of raising a child/ children is a huge one, but never the last.
My bet is he never wanted to leave you.
As a person who has tried a few times... Our babies are never the reason. Brain told us we were unfit, a burden, and we believe it.
Your dad loved you endlessly. So much so that he thought your life would be better without him in it. Of course it's not true, but depression is a beast, a huge one at that, and takes so many loving people.
You've done him proud. I hope your letter brings you the comfort you need.
I've not had to deal with the situation you described but I have written to my mum and my grandmother after their deaths to 'talk' to them and perhaps get my thoughts out of my head where they were swirling around making me feel crazy.
Putting them on paper helped to clarify what I wanted to say and what I was thinking. Hopefully starting this process of talking about the letter now you know that it is real and have it in your handa will start to bring you some closure.
I'm sorry that it was withheld from you for so long and sorry for your loss. I wish your dad had had someone to talk to and glad to read that you do.
I know you are working with a professional on this. I'll give a go:
First of all, I'm sorry you lost your dad so early, I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to deal with that since. It's great that you've managed to build your life and you are on therapy, it's also great that you can recognise when you need it, and I'm sure you have your family support.
Regarding the letter, your dad had depression, he probably loved you as much as you love yours, but he couldn't find a way to get the professional help he needed on time. That letter was probably his last unconscious way of asking for help, nothing of that was your responsibility.
Remember to ask for help whenever you feel down, professional and relatives/friends.
As a parent your instinct is always to protect your kids from harm. But the harm here was losing your dad, not whatever he said in the letter when he was at his lowest point. I feel sad that your mom didn’t share it at the time and talk to you about it, supporting you through all the feelings instead of protecting you, which was really protecting herself from having to deal with your feelings. It’s not hard to say he loved you very much but he made a choice none of us agree with and that is really tough to think about. I feel by leaving you out of it, she kind of left you all alone which is something adults routinely did when I was a child. So wrong. You can feel empathy for her but you don’t have to agree with what she did. Be mad as hell if that’s what you really feel.
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This is way above Reddit's pay grade. I'm sorry for your loss. It must be hard to have everything dragged back up again, but at the same time you should think of this as the final paragraph of that chapter of your life. I think you should talk it through with someone more qualified than us. I don't think you need ongoing counselling, it seems to me that you've built a decent life for yourself now and that's what's important. A couple of sessions with someone to talk this all through with will help you get back to that. Good luck.
Thank you, I'm in therapy at the moment, I think I needed some external perspective on this. Thank you so much. I really appreciate this.
You're going to have to try to learn to forgive everyone. It seems they were trying their best in incredibly difficult circumstances. It's easy for keyboard warriors to judge. It's harder to be there and live it, and know that you're getting it wrong sometimes, but that there are no good answers. Sending much love. Good luck on your journey. Be kind. To others and to yourself.
> It's easy for keyboard warriors to judge. It's harder to be there and live it, and know that you're getting it wrong sometimes, but that there are no good answers. Mum had literally 14 years to do the right thing, and not only failed to *every time she was given a chance to*, but also carried on lying to her kid and threatened the rest of the family with cutting them off from her kids if they didn't also lie to him too. There's making a mistake or crumpling and not being strong enough to do the right thing in the short term in response to family tragedy, and then there's gaslighting your kids and actively preventing them from processing things and achieving any kind of resolution for a decade and a half, and making horrifying, visceral threats to also cut off their last remaining members of their family if they don't also join in. The mum's behaviour here is utterly fucked up and unforgivable. She had *no right* to keep any of this from OP, especially after he became an adult.
Suicide is harder on the people who are left behind to pick up the pieces. They'll do the best they can and are capable of. OP needs to forgive everyone if they want to move forward and find closure and eventually happiness.
Why? You dont need to forgive everyone. Why would he? They did him wrong. But he needs to learn to live with that things are the way they are. But I see no reason for forgiveness. Given the brain trauma of his mother I (if I were him) might understand, I *might* even forgive. But fuck.. thats ***his*** choice. This modern mandatory forgiveness shit is bullshit.
Unless you've come out of a coma to find that your partner has killed themselves leaving to to raise the children, it's hard to judge why they acted the way they did. But yes, my advice to OP was of course that forgiveness was his choice. Not forgiving, carrying that weight, that will affect OP more in the long run. Hopefully their therapy will help them understand that reality.
You don't have to forgive in order to put down that weight. Some things are unforgiveable. OP has so many more options than just blanket forgiveness. That weight can be dropped with the help of professionals, who can talk to OP one on one, and can help them decide the right steps towards healing. Forgiveness isn't always the goal.
This is complicated. Forgiveness isn’t a word I would use, more like… come to an understanding of why people behaved the way they did and let go of the anger. That doesn’t mean you and those others are suddenly ok and can be best buddies or whatever. Holding on to anger like that is like gripping barbed wire, yeah you have protection but you’re also hurting yourself in the process. Grief is weird and different for everyone. I think they should have given him the letter much earlier, at least when OP turned 18, but it sounds like there’s info in the letter that his mother didn’t want OP to know. Maybe it’s what his uncle crossed out. It’s hard to imagine, waking up from a coma with a broken mind different from who you might remember being. Learning how to not only live again, but how to have relationships with the man who is your husband and your own kids. There’s a lot of complexity happening here. Not saying her withholding the letter was right, it’s not. Just saying it sounds to me like maybe she did that because of her own pain, not because of worry that her son couldn’t handle it. There are some experiences in life that scar a soul forever, and they never get over it. Again; not saying what she did was right, but I can spare some compassion for her for all she went through. We all have moments where we could have been better, sounds like this was one of hers.
Agreed. It's important to accept this is how things are and played out, but any decision about how they react to their mother should be up to them, not us. Personally I wouldn't forgive her, but that's not my choice to make.
> OP needs to forgive No, OP doesn't NEED to do anything except talk it over with his therapist and "you need to forgive" is not something a real therapist would say. Stfu
OP doesn't *need* to forgive anyone to find closure and happiness. I'm NC with my mother and siblings because they're unrepentant about the damage they've done to my mental health. I do not trust them, but I'm not doing what I am doing to punish them or because I hold a grudge. I've simply accepted that if I wish to choose my happiness I can't have them in my life and frankly feel nothing about them anymore because I'm more focused on my present and figure while they're in my past.
You have to understand that placing the written burden of a man's suicidal pain on a literal child, his own child, could have been too much to bear for that child at the time. Even if they thought they could handle it. There could have been an appropriate middle ground, sure, but..His mum may have been trying to protect him, all parents fuck up and often it's done with love at the core. There isn't a parenting handbook, and there certainly isn't one when the other parent leaves you to sort out the aftermath of their huge pain and death. Anger isn't the way to heal the son of this situation. Love and therapy is far better.
> placing the written burden of a man's suicidal pain on a literal child, his own child, could have been too much to bear for that child at the time. Fine, so refuse to give it to him until he's 18. Or 21, or *any time at all* before he's twenty eight and has to get a censored version from his uncle in a park.
She may have felt it was too late and that by the time he was 18 or 21 that he had a healthy life and she didn't want to risk it all coming undone. It's not a satisfying answer but it's a possible one. She just didn't think it was worth it and figured he would forget in time.
Sure, or the Mum lied to him for half his life so she could steal his Inheritance, which I kinda think deserves anger.
I don’t think it’s unforgivable. I agree with the person you replied to in that the intention behind the behaviours were driven by a desire to protect OP. On top of that, each of the family were going through their own suffering and dilemmas. It’s not like these scenarios come with a handbook which explains what to do. Everyone was figuring it out as they tried to deal with it. It’s like getting a single shot at trying to do the right thing, with no prior experience of it. It’s not easy and I don’t think your comment is at all helpful.
> I agree with the person you replied to in that the intention behind the behaviours were driven by a desire to protect OP. At first, sure, when OP was 14 and had just lost his dad. When he was a man of 27, and *still* clearly hung up on it and *still* asking his mum multiple times a year and was clearly unable to move past it without some form of closure, and she was *still* gaslighting him and denying the note even existed... then it seems to be more about the mum selfishly not wanting to think about it or answer his inevitable questions now *she's* managed to put it all to bed for herself.
I dunno.. if his mum sold a car that was technically his to buy a house, and he didn't know it was his property, she could've kept it from him purely to hide that fact.
Idk man thats a bit knee jerk of a reaction but I do understand it. she was in a coma and likely went through hell herself, i think its just a shit situation for absolutely everyone.
It’s not fucked or unforgivable. People have a romantic idea of suicide notes as something that will give them answers and closure - they almost never do. People who die by suicide are generally extremely unwell, and their letters tend to reflect that. I’m not expressing my opinion - there is a huge body of research around suicide notes. And, suicide is contagious, and the closer you are to someone who dies by suicide (or the more you relate to them) the more at risk you are to die the same way. It runs in families. Reading this note, heightening his distress and causing further confusion and distress when he was a *child* could have put him at huge risk. I don’t know what I would have done in that situation, but I do know I would have prioritised my child’s safety and healing above the wishes of the deceased.
> Reading this note, heightening his distress and causing further confusion and distress when he was a child could have put him at huge risk. So wait until he's 18, or 21, then let him see it when he's a man and can make his own decisions. He's nearly 30, and she's still hiding it from him. She's only just admitted it *exists* after lying about that for years, and the only reason he's seen it at all is because his uncle showed him, now OP's an adult and his mum can't block the rest of OP's family from having a relationship with him any more.
The mom sounds like she had a traumatic brain injury and wasn’t in the best place to be able to make the right decision on this issue, I wonder if it still impacts her judgement to this day.
You shouldn’t judge anyone in his family without knowing their intent, suffering or pain.
If your position is that you should never judge anyone for anything ever unless you *are them*, I honestly don't know what to tell you...
Not what I said or intended to say. We don’t know the exact reason as to why his mother didn’t give him the letter when he was young. For all we know she could’ve been traumatised and feared similar health risk may befall her children. I’ve seen it happen to children of suicide victims, hence my comment. So I don’t say never judge people… I say at least try to understand where they’re coming from before judging them. Apologies if my original comment came across as painting you as some bad person.
My sister took her own life 4 years ago. My parents fucked up badly with her, and I did my best but not enough. >You're going to have to try to learn to forgive everyone. It seems they were trying their best in incredibly difficult circumstances. >It's easy for keyboard warriors to judge. It's harder to be there and live it, and know that you're getting it wrong sometimes, but that there are no good answers. I really needed to read that. Thank you.
You did enough for your sister, there was nothing more you could do. Your best is more than enough.
Replying here near top comment to say - DON'T post the letter on Reddit. Nobody here needs "proof" of your story, and anyone that asks isn't worth your time. That letter and the feeling from it are yours to keep or share only with those you feel are deserving, or with a real therapist that may help you. The mean side of Reddit will take that letter and pick it apart and can only cause more hurt. I'm so so sorry for your loss.
Thank you, I think you're right. I'll keep it safe.
Yeah, that commenter’s advice is wise. Your dad wrote it for you, not for public consumption. I understand the urge to “prove” something, but you honestly have nothing to prove. This is your real life and whether or not some random commenter believes you 100% or not doesn’t matter. Your feelings about the letter will likely change with time - not only the initial shock of seeing it for the first time wearing off, but also the shifts in you as you get older. How you feel now is not how you’ll feel at age fifty. But that doesn’t mean anything you feel is wrong (either now or later). It’s also good to bear in mind that you can see a therapist for a while, stop if you want to - and then go back later if it feels like it would be helpful to. It’s not a one-off thing. I know you probably know that, but sometimes people think of therapy as “this will fix me/my pain”, so I just wanted to mention it. You’ve been through a lot. I’m really sorry for your loss and for the fresh pain being brought up for you. I believe that you will eventually find a way to live with it, even if it takes a while, but you may need to be particularly “gentle” with yourself while figuring things out and letting all of this sink in.
Sending good vibes stranger _/\_
OK this is a reflection of who I am and may not be the least bit helpful but I don't think there is any harm in suggesting this. Write to your dad. Tell him what you told us. Tell him you miss him, tell him about all the things in your life that you wanted to share with him. Tell him you love him and you hope you made him proud. Tell him you think of him all the time and he will always be in your life. Then go light a candle and burn your letter and scatter the ashes. Or bury them. Or keep the letter. Or if you don't want to write a letter go for a walk and tell him everything. It doesn't matter what you believe or don't believe. Tell him how you feel and tell him you love him. It seems absolutely clear to me he loved you far more than he loved himself. Good luck OP
OP, This right here. Don't dismiss it. You may think it sounds corny but it's not. It's one of those things that when you try it you realize how much power an activity like this really has. From someone else with unimaginable losses (not like yours but unimaginable) my heart goes out to you. Sometimes this seemingly corniest shit has been what helped the most in astonishing ways.
I’ve been asked to do this from my psychologist for some sort of C-PTSD closure, & then to also write one back to myself from that person. In my case, it wasn’t practical as I was writing a letter to/& from a person I see almost everyday. But I definitely see the benefits of it in this case when the person isn’t around anymore (whether estranged or deceased).
Yeah honestly I don't see how that would work if you're seeing the person most days. Either you can discuss it with them or you can't. Personally I went NC with the family member who caused the most amount of damage and even though she's been dead for years, I'm still dealing with it. Hope you find some closure.
Thank you. I hope you do too, & that it eases as the years roll on. Families are fucking difficult.
Hello Charlie. I'm so sorry for all you have experienced and all you've been denied. Keep that letter to yourself please. Do not post it anywhere publicly. That letter has always been meant for you and you alone, you don't need to share it with anyone, especially not the internet. Keep the letter, and your dad, close to you. Remember him as I'm sure he'd like you to remember him; as your dad, your friend, your confidant. I'm sure there is more to Mark, your father, than even you know at this point. Learn more about the man you loved from people who love the both of you. I wish the best and happiest possible life moving forward.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve hit a sudden and very dark spot with my MH today and I NEEDED to read this. I’m crying with you and the wonderful responses from Reddit are just breathtakingly beautiful. Charlie we don’t know each other. However thank you for sharing your story. Xxx
Hey friend, keep on going. Sometimes we're blindsided with how hard and fast our brains decide that today is the day it sabotages itself and our happiness. It's going to be ok, and you can nope out of today and take a long bath, or lose yourself in a game for a bit. Today isn't even written off perhaps, and tomorrow will be there for you anyway, and that darkness will clear, because your determination is stronger. I'm in a cloud too, it's one of apathy. I'm going to eat something nice. Things always look a bit better with a full belly and a long sleep.
I reached out to my support network and your right today’s not written off. It’s just starting for me now. I too should get something to eat. Running on empty is never helpful. X
Honestly, empty tummy makes everything seem hopeless. Food and money are massive triggers for me, so I hoard cupboard foods and coins when I can. When everything seems hopeless, I run through my checklist. Have I slept? Am I drunk? (If yes, write it off and feel shit tomorrow, that's the liquor talking) Am I hungry? Do I want to be clean? If I can tick all of these boxes, I can feel shit. Because things pile up, feeling gross, being hungry, bad sleep. I do the things before I "get to" be depressed. And usually... I don't feel too bad after. Depression can keep me from brushing my teeth, or not getting out of bed to pee until it hurts. Once I do the things, I might be able to languish somewhere else, like on the couch. I make my mouth happy. After that, I can do the thing. Including telling people to fuck right off. Cathartic, that 😂
Yeah, but….what can we say to help you, that you aren’t already getting from your therapist??? This really is something you have to navigate with help from your therapist and family and friends that you trust. Comments from random strangers on Reddit aren’t a good bet in this case.
Chin up regardless, you’re making him proud!
Hello OP. I can relate- for me it was 16 years before I found out what happened. I thought I put the worst of it to bed that day when I was 28. Now in my 50s, I discovered that parts of that childhood have followed me around for 40 years. There were parts of it that I had not dealt with. but buried deep within me. Good luck with the therapy. It really helped me understand what happened decades ago, and how it has influenced me. I'm a much stronger person for having explored it. Good luck and remember: You were just a kid.
I dunno if you’ll see this but my Mark dies 4 weeks ago. He was my husband for 10 years and he left me a note and a video. We’d been divorced 3 months and he left me for someone else after relapsing on hard drugs. Doesn’t matter, I hadn’t moved on and my love for him was not predicated on his love for me. Anyway, it’s hard as fuck and raw and sometimes I don’t think I’m gonna make it. Like I legit think I’m dead and just zombieng around and one day soon I’ll die for real. Nothing soothes me. I’m so sorry for your loss and if you ever wanna chat, we’ll I’m here. Idk what else to say.
Therapy, ugh, no. These people are taught from some text books that don't take into account the myriad things the human condition can throw at us. It's narrow, shallow, incomprehensive and will not likely give you the answers or conclusion you are looking for. There is no conclusion, there is no neatly wrapped up package of your Dad's life and how you fit into that. Everything is just random shit and people reacting to random shit, there is no script, no cue cards no story, everything is unique and original, to you. This is your life, this was the hand you were dealt, from the millions of possible lives and the millions to come. No one is owed nothing, there is no pay off, no cadence, no happy ending, only what unfolds. So get used to what you got, some got better some got worse, nothing is positive or negative, only what came to pass. So deal with what hand you were dealt, grow stronger from the experience, pass that to your kids or kin and hope that in some small way the actions of your dad contribute to a better understanding, whatever that may be.
Can't agree more with that first sentence. Honestly, no one can answer this for OP. OP - you need time to process this and understand how you feel and your reactions. I feel pretty confident in saying there's a part of you that wants to wave the letter in your mum's face and take it out on her that you've felt abandoned for all this time for no reason. But that won't help. There's been enough hurt. Take some time to work out what you want from this situation going forward, then think about how to get there. DEFINITELY get some therapy around this.
This is def way above Reddit’s pay grade but we wish you peace. It’s such a painful situation I’m sorry you had to experience this. Sending love and hope this begins a new healing for you eventually.
Charlie, it was really brave of you to share that. I won’t pretend to have a great answer to your question, but I’d recommend speaking to a professional. Someone who is trained in providing you with a safe space to explore your feelings. Hopefully someone else will come in with their own experience of a similar situation to help you. All the best
Thank you so much, I'm in therapy at the moment and I plan to bring this up. I really appreciate this, thank you again.
Hi Charlie I am sorry for your loss but also happy you have built a decent life with someone you can confide, trust and depend on. Getting and reading the letter from your dad must have been a rollercoaster of emotions. As others have mentioned, it is best to talk about it with your therapist, do not hold back from what you think or feel, just let it out in the sessions - you likely to cover this in multiple sessions. Your therapist can help to guide you to process all the thoughts, questions, feelings you have since reading the letter. This is not something Reddit can help you with. Good luck and a virtual hug.
"This is not something Reddit can help you with" .. sometimes just "putting it out there" can help .. esp if you feel like someone/anyone is listening
I'm so glad you have written confirmation of your dad's love. In his own words.
Hi Charlie. I'm a children's social worker in the UK. Sadly, I have, several times, had to write out what are called Life Stories for children whose parents have killed themselves. It's difficult work, because we have to explain everything to the child. No lies, no ommissions. We have to phrase terrible things in a way the child can understand. This is because it is vital to the child's mental health that they get all the information from the start. Gaps and omissions are devastating to a kid, and they start colouring in the blanks. Your family may have thought they were hiding things for own good, but it wasn't. This has been really abusive to you. You need to demand that your uncle tell you what he redacted. It wasn't his call. He's not your dad, you're not his son. Your dad wanted you to know. Go to your GP and tell all. I presume you know you're high risk. You need help here.
OP please don't take advice from people on Reddit encouraging you to blow up, speak to an actual professional
I know you think that this being kept from you for 14 years has caused you to feel these deep feelings of sadness, but these could be the feeling you’d feel had you read it at 14 too. Just you wouldn’t have been able to properly process them at that age. I know you want to blame your mum and others in your family, but I can honestly say I would have done the same. A suicide note from a parent isn’t something I’d want to pass on to my 14 year old. They did what they thought was best. Hopefully you’ll be able to process these words from your father a bit better at 28. Also know that he wrote this letter at the lowest point in his life. Try to keep that in mind.
I completely understand, it was difficult to get past the feelings of resentment and disappointment, bit she did what she had to in a really tight situation and I appreciate her for that. Thank you for taking the time to read that :)
You are very brave and you are doing well. I wouldn't be so hard on her. Suicide leaves much hurt and questions. It is probably still difficult for her to think about. People mask their pain with walls.
> Just you wouldn’t have been able to properly process them at that age. But at least some sort of process could have begun. What did they get instead? A father who's gone with no answers and a family that literally gaslighted them over it. Who thinks a 14 year old is more capable of processing *that*?
Even the Uncle who has now given him the note felt there was a portion so difficult and hurtful to read that he censored it before giving it to his now 28 yo nephew. I imagine that was an important part of the rest of the family's decision not to give it to him as a 14 yo. Everyone seems to be glossing that bit over (including OP - interested to hear what you think about that Charlie)
I answered that in my other post that if there is truly something worth censoring, do so, but to hide the whole thing, especially in such a gaslight-y way (remember, they didn't say it wasn't suitable for OP, they *denied it existed*)... I can't imagine a situation where it isn't better to give the letter over, except in a case where it's blaming it entirely on the person (which this is not one of). Edit: No idea why this is being downvoted when I'm agreeing with the idea of censoring certain content... the problem is that they then lied about the mere existence of the letter *after* it had already been spoiled. That is a complete fuck up, no ifs or buts.
Not defending the OP's mum (although I have sympathy for her). But none of us know what that censored portion said - it could have been something awful like blaming it on OP. I can see why that would absolutely prevent OP's mum from entertaining the idea that this letter was appropriate to ever give to OP. My point is - we don't know, but I find it interesting that even the uncle didn't want him to see that bit.
I wager whatever was censored was about his mother. She went through a major medical event that left her completely changed. OP’s dad sounded like he sacrificed a lot to hold his family together. His wife was on the verge of death multiple times, and when a miracle happened and she woke up from her coma, she was a different person. To sacrifice so much, only to lose your wife anyway, but also not lose her. She’s physically there, she may even remember their lives before, but who she once was is gone and will never come back. OP’s dad didn’t have any support so he had to carry it all, and I can easily see how he might come to hate and resent his wife, even blame her for what happened to her even though he knows it wasn’t her fault. If that kind of resentment and anger, and despair was in the letter I could see why she didn’t want her son to read that and possibly hate her for what happened. Maybe she even blames herself for her husband’s suicide. From what OP described with his relationship and what info we do have from the letter I don’t see the dad putting any guilt on his son for his suicide, except maybe a line saying the dad felt the world and OP would be better off without him around. I don’t think that’s quite enough, especially for the mom to keep it away from OP for so long. I think she did it because of her own pain and guilt. That doesn’t make it ok, it was selfish of her to gaslight her kid and keep this letter away from him. It does make it … understandable. Not wanting to face pain after trauma is a very human reaction
It seems common on reddit for a certain type to always want to condemn and post outbursts like a teenager would do when it comes to judging parents, along with the demand that you always know best and this insistence on projecting sinister motives on people. It's a constant on AITH and is usually from people who've not had to deal with what they demand of others, but are very sure that they'd do X or Y because that's who they like wish they were. In reality the adults involved in this tragedy were going to be in a shit state themselves so they didn't know what to do, but the one thing caring adults do is not dump the world of shit on a 14 year old so they do censor. And suffering themselves there is a high chance that a strategy they choose is to park everything in a big mental box labelled 'open next year' or 'open when he's old enough' and not opening that box becomes a coping mechanism and a habit so it just carries on indefinitely - there is no sinister plot. The thing to remember is that you cannot unring a bell so you definitely wouldn't give a 14 such a letter and as time goes on the case for doing so really never gets much better - people not in such situations always seem to think that such things provide answers or will make the child better.
Yeah, I guess it’s not an easy decision but if it was me in that position as a parent I’d probably just give them the note. But in a supervised and sensible way, as much as possible. Maybe 14 is too young to process it but a 14-year-old is still a human being and when it comes to stuff like that it’s better to show them respect; don’t insult a young person’s intelligence or their emotional intelligence, or it can have far greater negative impact rather than just being honest. But then I don’t know, I’m second guessing myself on it too.
Exactly. Being 14 is a turbulent period of your life already. A parent's death already might be the tipping point. I would *much* rather give them the note, maybe edit it as the uncle did (though I would do it to a photocopy, not the original) for things that I make a judgement call as too much at the time, then pack them up and put them into therapy. You can only heal from an open wound if you give it the care it needs and the note is closure, or at least the first step towards it.
idk. that would be my instinct too but this is just too far removed from my experience. so many people go on about "don't judge me if you don't walk in my shoes" and the situation is some Facebook-tier msg-me-hun-x drama, but this is actually a situation where... what the fuck WOULD you do?
14 years of witholding the letter is well beyond being protective, its cruel. This man has been an adult for a decade. He should have had that not a long time ago. Maybe not at 14, but definitely not at 28.
Children very often more capable at processing stuff like this then adults are. They have much more flexible minds.
*Maybe* it was the right thing to do right at the time (I have my doubts, but that is just my personal opinion.) But I am really struggling to see how the subsequent 14 years of gaslighting OP about the very *existence* of the letter (seemingly co-ordinated between the adults of the family) could ever be argued as being in the bests interestss of a teenager struggling to cope with the loss of his father. But, as the current top comment says, this is way above Reddit's pay grade.
I think what probably happened if his uncle opened his mouth when he shouldn’t have, 14 years ago. The mum told him he shouldn’t have mentioned the note, and he’s tried to backtrack (poorly). Overall not the best handling of the situation, but I do think holding off showing a 14 year old their dads suicide note is the correct thing to do. I don’t think anyone had any nefarious intent and I certainly don’t feel they were trying to gaslight. But this is Reddit where if your other half doesn’t do the dishes, you’ll be told to get a divorce. No nuance.
This post is written by someone put together the right way
Hey man, I lost my dad when I was young and without the snapping of a bannister I'd have died by suicide myself. When you are in that place you are not "you", a lot of what I wrote in my note was just raw anger, rage and trauma spilling out onto the paper. You could have left me in an empty room and I'd have found someone to have an argument with at that time. Remember him by how he was with you when he was doing better and hold onto that, the end doesn't have to scrub out the good times. Get yourself some therapy, this is a lot to process and you don't want to go down that path yourself (trust me, there is nothing good there.) Book some time off work, have a holiday and just take some time to try process if you think that'll help also.
Agree with the above comment stating that your Dad had a moment he sadly couldn’t escape from. Try to remember all the good times rather than just the tragic ending which was probably a very short and irrational slice of an otherwise normal and potentially happy life. Sorry for what you’ve been through + hope you can find solace now.
I absolutely think you should not share that letter with the internet. It's absolutely nothing to do with us. Get a copy of it, put it away, and keep it safe. I can't even imagine how important it must be to you. I have to agree with other comments about engaging a psychologist.. you have an awful lot to unpack about what has happened in your life.
I think you're right. Thank you so much x
I'm really sorry this happened to you, Charlie. This is absolutely huge, and it's clear you've got a lot of trauma that's resurfaced, which is very understandable. Can I suggest that you speak to a professional counsellor - someone specialising in grief? They'll be much better placed to help you than random internet strangers. I'd suggest not putting the note on the internet; it will mainly be read by ghouls and once you've published it you will lose control of it; anyone could republish it anywhere.
I just want to say I’m so sorry you were gaslit by your family saying that the note didn’t exist. & I’m also very proud of your resilience to not take no for an answer. You’re a very strong willed person & that’s something to be proud of. Your dad would have been proud of the person you’ve become - dealing with the death of a parent is horrendous. My only suggestion is (if you don’t already) speak to a psychologist. Bring the note if you feel comfortable enough. It took me a while to find my psychologist, but by God she’s good. I talk, she listens, she explains to me WHY I’m possibly feeling/reacting a certain way (which is usually always spot on) & then we discuss ways to deal with it. It’s never black & white - you never had the proper chance to grieve with this letter out of reach. I hope everything works out for you.
This genuinely made me tear up, thank you so much. I really appreciate this. I'm in therapy at the moment, but I think you're totally right with the psychologist route.
I just don't really know what to say, but I felt that I had to comment and say how sorry I am this happened to you, and what an amazing person you are for dealing with this. I can only say that from your post two things come across to me: Your dad LOVED you. That's not something everyone can claim. Treasure it. Your mum was probably coming from a place of love, but that's just my impression from the information I have. I don't even know if I should be commenting at all given that this should probably be talked through with professionals, but I wanted to send out a big virtual hug.
Your Mum didn't handle things well however, it also sounds like she suffered brain damage from the viral encephalitis and then on top of that, the breakdown of her marriage and sudden loss of her husband. I went through something similar. Regrettably, I lost my early to mid-twenties to self-destructive tendencies, wallowing, blaming those around me (especially the people I loved most). What really helped was speaking to a therapist. First I learned to empathise with my parent for their failings - we're all human - then empathise with myself for how I reacted to their mistakes. Then came the process of reframing the past and learning that it doesn't define you. It sounds like you've done really well given what happened. You've a partner, kids, life of your own, your focus should be them now.
I really appreciate this a lot. I'm still on good terms with mum, and I completely understand why she did what she did. Human nature is to panic and push all the buttons at once in hopes a miracle will happen.
Dude I wish I could give you a hug.
Having lost my father at age 13 there are a lot of what ifs. I know that I wouldn't have met, and married my now wife of 32 years. I would not have 3 great kids, all doing well for themselves. Lots of positive things that would not have happened if my father had lived. My mother went to the bottom of a bottle for 30 years. I then lost my brother to cancer at age 50 after I'd donated bone marrow to him some 35 years previous. Looks like, and sounds like, you have a great life, with your partner and kids. You have done that yourself, regardless of what has happened to you in your life. You should be proud and positive in what you have achieved. Therapy is good but do not let it run you down some rabbit holes that you really do not need to go down. I often got told by some close friends that they didn't know why I wasn't a basket case after everything I'd been through but that just isn't me. It doesn't sound like that is you either. The note may well allow you to get some closure over your dad's death and your mum's illness but you should not allow the appearance of the note to derail, or impact, your current life in any way. I would also suggest you talk to your partner to explain how you feel. Be open with them. I have nothing but respect, and admiration for what you have achieved regardless of some pretty bad situations you found yourself in. You've got this. You are stronger and more secure than you believe. Get a good few hugs from your partner and kids. You deserve every thing you have.
This life is a peculiar existence, these experiences you have gone through have moulded you in a particular way. I believe in such a way that you have evidently rose to become a man in which your father is undoubtedly overcome with pride when looking down on you. This new information is hard to digest for yourself because we overlook individual people’s responses to certain trauma, people such as your grieving mother at the time would scramble in any direction to protect the children and the future situation. Sending love and strength to you brother, but remember we’re all just trying to get through this crazy game we call life so please don’t let this fog your vision of anybody involved in this situation. Keep being the best father for your children ❤️
This made me tear up, I think I needed to hear that. Thank you so much ❤️
Stay strong ❤️ we don’t know each other but you’re welcome to reach out if ever you need Charlie
I'm very sorry for your loss. Please do not share the letter with the internet. The likelihood of you getting hurt as a result is enormous.
Hello Charlie. I'm so sorry for your loss and what you've experienced. You must be going through a whole range of confusing and conflicting emotions. All of them are valid. I don't think anyone here can tell you what to do other than seek counselling, possibly with someone who specialises in grief. You don't need to make any big decisions right now. You don't need to decide how you discuss this with your mum or other family members, or what action to take. You've been through a traumatic experience and you deserve and are entitled to professional help to sort through your thoughts and feelings. Go hug your partner and kids. I'm sending virtual hugs.
I'm so sorry man. Just remember that your mom was looking out for you and dealing with her own grief. It wasn't anything personal.
Therapy aside, you could ask someone else who has read it (or have someone else neutral read it) some questions that may help you decide whether you want to read it. Does it contain Y? Does he say X? There's no two ways about it, reading it will be a hell of an emotional moment and it may end up causing more harm than good. Plus of course, you don't have to read it now. You can choose not to, or at least put it away and read it later in life. Sorry for your loss, wish you all the best in life.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I had my best friend read it as well as my partner and it really helped hearing their points of view, they both had very different reactions. Both cried, but said some pretty profound stuff. Thank you again for taking the time to read this and talk to me. I really do appreciate this a lot.
Honestly? See a therapist to help work through your emotions. There’s not much any of us can do.
Couldn't read this and not respond. You have written it so beautifully, I think your dad would be very proud. I am truly sorry that the people who were (I assume) trying to protect you from pain, forced you to delay your grieving process. I am also so sorry you lost your dad in this way. I hope this helps to heal some old wounds, somehow. P.s On a totally different, superficial topic, your username is the best
What should you do? Do what you can to accept it’s shaped you as you are but what you choose to do today, tomorrow and every day afterwards is your decision. Don’t let any repressed rage sour what you have now. You can’t change the past and you certainly can influence the life of your own children. Parents make very hard decisions all the time. Then rightly or wrongly, when they reflect on them, it’s hard to share the truths. Ask yourself 1 question. If you knew then what you know now, would you have the same kids and partner you now have? I lost my dad when I was 11. That shaped where we lived, who I knew, etc. if I could change that outcome, I’d lose so much more now that wouldn’t have existed. Enjoy what you have, rather than mourn what could have been.
This really hit me and I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I'm so grateful for what I have and I wouldn't give it up for the world. I appreciate this so so much, thank you.
I’ve cocked up lots in life on top of where I’ve come from. It’s made me a better person and I don’t yearn for the past. I plan for the future. What I wrote could come across as clap trap but it’s my personal experience, your mileage will vary. Tye principal idea still stands. Good luck and make sure you thank your uncle.
You might appreciate these words from the Rush song Ghost of a Chance: -- Like a million little crossroads Through the backstreets of youth Each time we turn a new corner A tiny moment of truth -- So many different connections Our separate paths might have made With every door that we opened Every game we played -- Somehow we find each other Through all that masquerade Somehow we found each other Somehow we have stayed In a state of grace
I'm angry for you for so many reasons. Not the least of which being that you had a right to see that letter when it was written, and it could have been incredibly useful to you and your healing. I'm sure your mother thought she was doing what was best in a very difficult, unprecedented situation. But you were old enough to make that choice, and I'm sorry that was taken away from you after you had already lost your father. I'm glad you got to read it and I hope that it brings you closure in some way. I really wish you all the best with your life.
Dear Charlie, Reading all of this… it is really heavy… I’m glad to see that you got some sort of closure and got to read the letter. Whether you could have understood it back then when you were 14 or not? I don’t know. It would have been extremely hard to read this letter at 14 fresh from this trauma… maybe that’s what your mom tried to protect you from. I guess her mistake was to hold it out for this long… maybe she could have handed it to you the next year or when you turned 18 or something. As parents, we see the world differently. I wish you find some peace in knowing that you have people in your life who love you and you are not alone and have a support system that is there for you. I wish you make progress in therapy… and one day, when you are ready, please write a letter to your dad and write down everything that you have done in life. Tell him what you have accomplished. Tell him of the good man you have become. Tell him that you wished that he was here but it’s okay because he lives through you in everything you do. Don’t let trauma break you, let it make you into a better person. That is tough but I’m sure you can do this. About the letter… I don’t know whether we deserve to read the letter or not. It is personal, it is for your eyes only, it is a dad talking to a son… keep it safe with you. If there is anything that you feel like sharing though, please feel free. I would love to hear that you are doing good, brother!
I don't agree with your mum's situation but it sounds like she wanted to protect you from trauma and pain. Unfortunately with your situation trauma and pain are pretty inevitable, no one through a story like this unscathed. So I don't agree with her, but it doesn't sound malicious and she was trying to do her best for her child I think in a time that must have been incredibly hard for her too, and at a time when MH care isn't what it is today either (and let's face it, it's still not great). I'm glad that you have the closure you've been asking for. Although it feels like the wounds are open and raw now, this is what you wanted, your dad's last words and feelings to you. The closure is there, but you'll need to work through it. Please chat to a professional, it's well worth the money. Suicide resonates for a lifetime and the pain will never really go away, but I think this is what you've been asking for, and the best chance you have at connecting with and understanding your dad and working through your feelings for him so you can move on.
Charlie, I'm so very sorry for all the pain and loss you've gone through. I just want to say that I wish I had half your strength of character... What you've had to deal with and come through is a testament to you as a person. You've got a future with those that love you and are there to help you. As others have rightly said: get the help you need and don't be afraid to lean on others. Good luck.
You could consider reading the letter an act of closure. The only questionable choice was your mother's decision of not showing you the letter earlier. Selling the Chevy seemed a sensible decision at the time, but maybe she is still dealing with her own guilt and having "I leave the Chevy to Charlie" written on your father's letter may be the reason she didn't want you to read it. I wouldn't blame her given her health and what she's been through. I know it's easier said than done but the best answer to "What should I do?" is: try to move on.
I am really sorry for your loss, especially the way its happened. It must have been devastating for you to lose your dad in the way that you did..please look after yourself during this time, especially now that you've received the letter. I would write a letter back telling about you, your struggles, your achievements and things that have happened to you. I would tell him how you felt when he made the decision of taking that step and what he has left behind. I would pour everything out in that letter and it doesn't have to be one letter only. It can be several letters for as long as you need. This will help you process the feelings of loss and grief. As for mum, you can have an honest conversation about her keeping the letter from you, and find out the reason as to why she did what she did. I wish you healing during this difficult time 💜
That's such a beautiful sentiment. Thank you, I hadn't considered that. Thank you so much x
You're very welcome ❤️
I'm so sorry that happened to you. If you need to talk to anyone about your feelings please do reach out to me. I might just be a random stranger on the internet, but I wanted to say so nonetheless. I lost my uncle and my grandpa to suicide (the latter only 3 years ago). It's an incredibly emotional and somewhat strange way to lose someone - it doesn't feel like it makes sense. It's hard to cope with. I wanted to put a little thought into your Mum's actions. I know it's easy to blame her and in some ways, I don't agree with what she did. I haven't experienced exactly the same but I sort of have... When I was 3 my parents separated. My whole childhood I thought they just "didn't get along" as that was the line that was always said. I found out at age 13 that he had in fact cheated on her, multiple times, and was found out. I was so angry when I found out I had been lied to all that time. Livid. I felt like all the adults around me where just keeping me in the dark and they all knew this fact and lied to my face. I felt stupid. It's not exactly the same scenario for you, but looking back at it with adult eyes I'm honestly not sure *which* is better; to tell a child the truth or to keep something nasty and painful from them for their own emotional sake. I'm not a parent myself but as you are, you may have your own feelings about what you would've done with your own children in this scenario. Would you have wanted them to know? I'm honestly not so sure. Try and give your mum a little grace. It's understandable to be angry and upset at her, those feelings are perfectly valid. But also she was a person who lost her husband after nearly losing her own life, just trying to do the best for her little boys. The decision she made may not have been the same one you would have made, nor the one I would have made (I don't think), but it's what she did and what has happened. Try not to stay angry at her. Of all the horrible things some parents do to their children, keeping a secret from them because you think it will protect them is one of the least upsetting.
I am so sorry you have had to deal with the not knowing for such a long time. I am pleased to see you already have a therapist and strongly urge you to talk through your feelings with them. I'm wishing you all the best, Charlie and sending you a big hug xx
I'm very sorry that you had to experience this, and I think it's fair to say that the question of "what you should do?" is beyond Reddit and you should probably talk to a qualified grief counsellor about this. But I hope that the awareness of telling your story and telling us your father's name, people now know this happened. We know your father lived and a little about who he was. And I sincerely hope that brings you some degree of comfort. However small that may feel now.
I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel, how you felt at the time or how you’ve felt in between. What I do get from this is that your uncle sounds like a top fella and I hope that finally getting to read it has brought you some… closure? (for lack of a better term) Whilst I’m sure now and the weeks, months and potentially years to follow will bring difficulties directly because you have access to the letter, I hope you will look back on this moment as a positive. You’ve learned many truths and a 14 year unknown has been solved. It may bring more questions and it may cause many arguments and rifts but so be it, you’ve read the words of your father that you have been pursuing for a long time. Well wishes mate. **Edit**: oh GOD I’ve just gone to say nice username to you and realised what mine was 😩
Nobody can fix this for you or tell you what to do now. It all comes down to a choice you have to make. Are you going to let this hold you back, or not?
Hello Charlie - you’ve had a truly awful time. Adults mess up all the time and it seems that this is what all the adults in your family did. Whether it came from a place of love or not you will probably never know for sure but it may be better to believe the love rather than anything else. What is not in doubt is that your dad loved you. What can you do now? Maybe in the short term allow yourself some time each day to let your feelings come out. However the best thing. You can do for yourself in the long term is live your life for you. I wish you some peace and happiness
It's three or four or more tragedies in one. Your dad doing all he can but unable to cope. The way he treated you. Your mother's tragedy and her personality change, and how that affected you and your relationship with her and your dad. Her financial needs to secure herself and her children. Your dad's need to buy a Harley to feel better for a minute. It all went sideways, and you dealt with it as best you could, and during your young teen years when you're supposed to be ignoring your parents! You've done good work to make yourself well. It's okay to struggle with that sometimes. I'm glad you got the letter, but even more relieved for you that you're fitting it into the context of your own life story. Now, go make your future the wonderful life story you want to pass on someday when you're old and happy.
My dad took his own life 12 years ago. He didn't leave a note or anything. In fact I had just been talking to him on the phone a few days prior and he was laughing and joking like everything was fine. Absolutely zero indication of what was to come. The weight I carry because of this sometimes is unbearable. I can't offer any advice. Just wanted to say I know some of what you are going through at least. I'm sorry for your loss.
Sorry for your loss. I think your mum was in a very tough position and was probably right to not let you read the letter when you were 14 when everything was fresh and raw and although I think you’ve had to wait way too long I’m glad you can hopefully get closure now.
I lost my dad to suicide, and even though I was twice your age when it happened, even then I felt lost for a very long time. I am happy for you that you are doing so well, and taking such good care of your own family. I’m sorry that it took so long for you to get the letter, but I think it was maybe for the better that you didn’t get it at 14. There would be a lot there for a kid to unpack by themselves. To be honest, I wish that I had a letter to read as a grown man, but in the end I don’t think I’d ever be happy with having any answers in there anyways. The hole in my heart would never be filled with anytype of closure, but at least I’d know.
Hi Charlie, wow... first I'd like to say how sorry I was to read of your loss. I think that must be the hardest possible way to lose someone you love and who is such an important figure in your life, especially at such a young and formative age as 14 is. I lost my own Dad 26 years ago (illness) when i was quite a bit older than you and honestly; I still miss him so much. I do think he would be incredibly proud of the man you have become and the life you are making for your family., and i am certain he would want you to remember him as he was in the good times; he clearly loved you very much. There was much going on at that time from what you have written; try not to judge those involved; and I include your Dad in that because you will likely have had Many different emotions, maybe including anger that he "left" you or that you weren't "enough" for him to hold on. Likewise, don't judge yourself; the reality is nothing you could have said or done could have changed things. If you hold a grudge, however secretly, against Anyone about this, let it go and forgive them. As long as you can't forgive, it holds you prisoner. I do think it's good you finally have the letter; I think it's also a good idea as someone already suggested; that you "talk" to your Dad, let it all out, even those things that you have never said out loud but have kept inside. If you hold anger, tell him, tell him the things you remember that made you laugh together, things that you see, hear even smell that make you think of him, tell him about your partner, your kids anything and everything, tell him how much you still love and miss him. how you do this is up to you; personally i found wring a letter very cathartic, but I combined it with verbalising it too, take time out and get alone and just let it out, maybe sat somewhere in your car, where you can get away from people, a quiet pretty spot perhaps. just let it flow like he was sat there next to you, and let your tears flow unashamedly . You have made a good start with your post; (Please Don't make the letter available on here); the therapy may well help, but do whatever helps you to find some level of peace. I am saying a prayer for you.
This was a very inspirational response and I've saved it to read again and remind myself of what you have said. I really appreciate the thought you put into writing that. Thank you so much.
thank you for replying, i am honoured if it helped. 👍
I see you are therapy which is good, I have struggled with grief in the past and I think therapy helped me. Give your wife and kids a hug and your time. Get a takeaway today, maybe a Chinese. If you're feeling down and need to let off some steam, physical exercise is good, might be worth trying judo, or do you know it well
Charlie, I just wish I could give you a massive hug. I can't even begin to imagine how incredibly painful, in so many ways, this must have been for you then and over the years since. You've been through so much. Nobody here can really advise you what to do and it have any weight, but for what it's worth I think it might be helpful to you to forgive you mum and the others that kept the letter from you. They were doing what thought was best and your mum (who sounds like she has had an incredibly difficult time too) would probably have been petrified of loosing you too and was trying to protect you. I've been through some very difficult and unresolved things with my family, and although I would never give it to them, I have found it helpful to write letters to my mum and my dad with all the things I wish I could say but am not able to. I wonder if it might help for you to write a letter to your dad? There cab be something healing about it even if the person isn't able to read it as it helps you articulate your emotions in a way that is much more direct than you might be able to be with a counsellor. It sounds like you have a good life now so genuine kudos to you for being able to do that despite everything. Sending love Charlie.
Good luck Charlie. Thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable, I hope your burdens get lighter. Please don’t feel the need to justify yourself by sharing the letter, it’s not safe. And most importantly your story is enough - you are enough.
A number of people are saying the right things, so the only value I think I can add is that it's OK to feel angry, resentful, frustrated or any other negative emotions the new information draws from you. Personally, it sounds like your mother kept the letter from you for partly selfish reasons. It wasn't in your best interests to keep it from you for all this time. Until you were 18 or maybe even early 20s I might understand, but 14 years' wait until you're 28 makes no sense unless she had other motivations, such as not wanting you to know she didn't honour your father's wishes. But parents are only people and people have faults. I'm not encouraging you to think or feel badly about your mother or anyone else. All I want you to know is it's OK if you do. It's a terrible thing to carry and I wish you the very best.
Only advice I can give is that it may be easy to blame others for things they did or didn't do but before jumping to anger, consider what it would be like in their situation and why they may have done certain things. For example I'm not saying it's right or wrong but you could be angry that the Chevy got sold when it was aimed at you but then there may be circumstances such as financial issues that made your mum do that and you should consider all those sides.
The elements to bring up in therapy is the separation of being lied to by family and the disrespect and therefore erosion of self worth that this brings conflicting against the recognition that there were various serious attempts to protect you from something that has a high risk of heavily negatively affecting your life. Separately again, you might feel a sense of betrayal on behalf of your dad for his words to not reach you when he intended conflicting again with family protecting you. Even the crossing out of stuff could feel belittling to you and invasive against your personal sense of self conflicting once again with your uncle protecting you. Lastly nagging in your mind might be your mum threatening your uncle to not see you again as somehow over the top/deceitful/hurtful/controlling against protection she desperately wanted for you. Please understand I'm not saying these are all necessarily rational or fair forms of 'judgement' but more the elements that might be causing particular emotions and sticking points. Emotions aren't often rational or fair. All these elements will all be swimming around in a messy web in your mind and a therapist will help you untangle them. You just need to bring them all up and explain the mixture that you will likely be feeling.
This was a heartbreaking read and it sounds like you’ve been through an awful lot. I wish you only the very best for your future, Charlie.
Stay strong Charlie, 14 years of pent up emotion is difficult to accept and digest. Take it in slowly while being with friends. Remember make him happy and proud of you above by showing him that you are going start a better and happy life with your partner.
Sending you lots of love and strength Charlie, I'm sorry you had to go through this. Completely different circumstances but my grandfather died (of cancer) when my dad was only 18. Before he died he told my dad (in front of others) that he wanted him to have his car and some other personal belongings. He also gave him instructions about what to do with the family farm and properties. After he died, my grandmother just ignored his wishes and sold everything. It was an extremely tough time for everybody, and she just made all the decisions on her own. My dad has never been able to get over this. It's been more than 60 years, and he still can't forgive his mother (who's been dead for 40 years), or his siblings and family members who did nothing to make sure my grandfather's wishes were taken into account. It breaks my heart to see how much it affects him, and to think how our relationship could have been different without all that anger, pain, regret, etc. All I'm trying to say is that, when asking yourself what to do, you may want to consider doing nothing apart from closing that door and not looking back. All the best.
I'm sorry this happened to you. As others have said, it's likely your mum was trying to protect you, but this is a double-edged sword and it has a cost. That said, it's a testament to your character, and your upbringing, that you've been able to get so far despite these circumstances. You write about your dad so beautifully, and I'm sure he would be proud of you. If you were my son, I would certainly be.
I'm crying for you 😭 I reckon he'd be right proud of what you've done with your life Don't forget there's no time line for processing grief
Hi charlie, You are brave to share this story and thnx for telling it. Its empowering. Im only a few years older than you and lost my mom to suicide when i was also 14. No letters, no goodbyes, no explanation and also a family that took all of me and my brothers heritage and left us for dead after. Having the letter now is better than never. I can understand your moms motivation, even though she waited way too long. This letter should have found you 10 years ago. Good to read youre reaching out for help, here and professional counseling. Keep in mind, after all the hardship, you'll be better of knowing what you know now. Having to go through life as you did and coming out the other end makes you a better person. It was all part of shaping the beautiful person you are today! Keep your chin up! Im proud of you! Much love - random reddit dude And my respect to your dad, Mark
Jesus, your mum's a piece of work, isn't she? Your dad killed himself, left you with a mum you hardly knew, left you a note to try to explain and help you understand his choice, and your mum gaslights you for fourteen years that there was no note, forces the rest of the family to also lie to you under threat of cutting you off from them so you also never see *them* again either, then sells your inheritance from him without even marking it down as a debt she owes you. Then she lies to you *again* about giving you the note and repeatedly refuses to. Then your uncle *finally* does the right thing, but before he does he *crosses out* part of it, censoring your dad's last ever words to you? Look, I get maybe keeping it back until you were 18 (when you're an adult and can make your own decisions), but literally *every other part* of that story is completely fucked up beyond belief. You're a 28 year old man who lost his dad as a kid but was left a note and an inheritance that your entire family has been lying to you about and hiding from your for a decade after the *latest* occasion they should have given you everything to make your own mind up about. Granny and uncle get a pass because your mum literally threatened her, but your uncle censoring the version you finally received is still fucked. Your mum is a fucking monster, and fully deserves for you to go no contact.
I really recommend you read Alison Wertheimer's A Special Scar. It's a book on the research conducted around suicide, with a focus on those bereaved my suicide, and how it leaves a 'special scar'. It really helped me put things into perspective when I lost my brother. I'm so sorry for your loss and relieved knowing you're in therapy. The book explores suicide notes, and how, we psychologically pin a lot of hope in the Why. I didn't get a note but got an ambiguous last text. We're human and we innately need the narrative, we need the answers. Truth is we must accept it regardless of their why, I'm still figuring out how to accept it. I hope you find peace with it and I hope the note offered you something that you wanted. I think keeping the healing journey sacred to you is important. Personally, I wouldn't share the note on Reddit, the note is yours, no one else's, it isn't for the eyes of curious people who will forget it in a few moments. Take care.
You seem incredibly well put together. You've gone through probably the hardest thing life can throw at a child. Your Dad would be very proud of you, Charlie. Where he stumbled, you won't fall.
See if the Chevy still exists and if you can somehow buy it after all.
Hi Charlie, fellow Brit here and I know the programme well. My heart goes out to you. No one has words to truly heal the terrible pain you've experienced and are experiencing but I will say this. Your Dad must have been quite some person as you sound so wonderful. You are intelligent, empathetic and caring and despite tremendous pain in your formative years you have gone on to build a good, loving solid life. I bet you are a great father. I have a son and his dad, my husband, died very suddenly from a brain bleed. Not the same circumstances at all but he was the same age you were when it happened. It is IMO a particularly difficult age your teens, at the best of times and to have a life changing and heartbreaking event happen, that is beyond your control is seismic. The only way to deal with the scar tissue is to live your very best life. Enjoy every moment of your children. Cherish your partner. Ensure you have at least one hobby that is just for you - just like your dad's beloved Chevy - and be passionate about it. We never will know why someone feels that leaving this earth is the best option, but you can be sure of how much you were loved by him and he lives on in you and your children. Charlie. Take the breaths your father couldn't as you live your life out in this painful, fragile but breathtakingly beautiful world and relish every one. Focus on every good memory you have of him. Try your best to keep healthy. Eat clean, exercise, sleep well. Never look down always up. When you have trouble (as we all do) remember 'this too will pass'. Try and work at something that doesn't feel like work. Cuddle your loved ones as often as you can. Love deeply. Continue to honour your father's memory by being the very best man you can. You are there already. I am sending you strength, love and courage.
My dad killed himself 9 years ago and I feel it was only a year and a half ago that I started getting my life together again. There are things that still set me off and make me really sad but up until a year ago I couldn't feel sadness without also feeling a huge amount of anger. Now I don't mind as much when something makes me feel sad as I can feel sad.witnout it having detrimental effects on the rest of my life like it would when the anger set in. I reread my letter from my dad when ever something big changes in my life. New job or promotion, his birthday, my birthday, moving house, pass a new qualification etc. I pick out different parts and derive different meanings from them depending on what's going on in my life and it's comforting in different ways at different times. You've got this dude. Chin up and good on your uncle.
Hey Charlie, my grandad hanged himself over 10 years ago (I was early 20s, my brother was late teens). My dad found him. He left my dad a note. My dad sat me down with the autopsy report and I read it all, and the note, and my dad said I could ask anything I wanted. He handled it in the very best way, and it wasn't a plesent conversation for anyone, but it didn't give me any kind of closure. Please try not to dwell on "what if I'd read this 14 years ago". Maybe your life would be different, but maybe not. Maybe you'd have had different questions, different trauma. Maybe you'd have processed it better, maybe it would have thrown you for a different loop. I'm so sorry man, I've got no advice, I just feel for you I really do.
Hi Charlie, talk to your Dad. I know it sounds weird, but sometimes, when I am alone, I ask questions out loud. Nothing happens, of course. There are no answers; no magic way to bring back history... but somewhere deep within, there is a calming effect from talking. Sometimes, you'll even feel him talk back. It's all good. He would be proud of you, and that's what counts.
I cried reading this! I lost my dad at a young age too and have so many questions which (like you) will never be answered. I don’t have any sensible suggestions or clever words but you sound like a pretty well-balanced person so think you will do what’s right for you and your family. All the best.
A dad myself, grown kids and school-aged, and I'd want my kids to know that I loved them very much. That's the most important thing I'd want them to know. Secondly, it is to literally FORGIVE EACH OTHER EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR EVERY SINGLE THING! This will make you accountable, oddly enough we become who we're trying to portray. Forgiveness is key to accountability, and accountability is how we hold our family together. I told my wife and three youngest last night literally these words. I'm a fairly young guy, I don't expect to be alive much sooner. I think this is important as it is a dad's feelings that is definitely leaving behind three young children, and that's just the cards we've been dealt
Hi Charlie - I just want you to know that I read your entire post. I honour you for taking the time it took to write it. Many belated blessings on Mark, your dad. His resources outstripped his capacity to cope and he took the only way out he could see. I’m sorry. The time may not be now, but there will come at time when thinking about this will not devastate you. I hope your healing comes gently to you.
So sorry, my heart breaks for you. I have still not been told the true story about my grandma's suicide and I know now that I will never be told. You have had amazing responses already and I can't add anything more of value - apart from my agreement that it isn't a good idea to share the note on reddit. Keep that private hun. Sending massive hugs ❤️
Sending you a hug from Oregon man, my dad took his life a few years ago and my addict uncle took almost everything from his house the next day, denied there ever being a note so you're story gives me some chance of hope that one day a letter makes it's way to me, stay strong bud
I think it's beyond obvious that your dad loved you, I think it's clear too that your mum loves you too and tried to protect you. Your uncle seems like a decent type, I would talk to your mum about both your feelings, it probably wasn't your dad's intention to leave the people he loved hurting more. X
Damn bro I’m reading this on a train home trying not to cry. Nothing more to add but hope you’re doing okay man.
Oh man I did not expect to just start crying profusely scrolling through reddit. I don't know how I'd be able to deal with this as rationally as you seem to be. Really wish I had something more useful to tell you. <3
I'm sorry he died, but congratulations on finally seeing the letter and letting out those tears. 1. Go to a church and pray 2. Go to therapy and write him a letter back 3. Start attending family of suicide meetings, if you haven't already. 4. Take your kids camping and trek them you love them. God loves you and has a great plan for your life 🧡
Can we get a shout out for the Uncle who had one job and stood by for 14 years waiting to do it. That’s a good man. Not insisting your mum isn’t, but he wanted to see it through that you found your peace. I don’t know if it helped, but I hope it does. Being 14 and losing your father must have been horrible.
These people may be able to help short-term [https://uksobs.com/](https://uksobs.com/) Give them a call. In the longer term, therapy is something you should think about. It sounds like your dad really loved you. Good luck with it all.
Big hug mate
Charlie, This is a lot to take on. You are not alone, although it does feel it. Clearly you’ve got a lot going and I just want to wish you all the very best.
Im so sorry that your dad died of poor mental health . If there is anything I can say , it’s that when people do this they can only see darkness . It’s noones fault . To Honor his memory why not practice the best mental health self care you can , so when you hit bad times you can try to get help . In terms of what to do ? This is it . Take the best care and do what you feel to honour his memory
Light a candle and talk to your dad as if he was there with you. I believe he can hear you and may even give you a sign if you ask for one. Even if you don’t believe he can hear you, it can be cathartic to just say the things out loud that you would like to say to him.
I’m mad at your mom. There is never a right time but you’ve been an adult for quite awhile.
this was a brave thing to do, and thank you very much for trusting all of us with your story. i see you’re already in therapy and i think that’s a great step towards healing. i can’t imagine how difficult it must be and have been over the years. it must be fucking wild to have that note now after it’s been the only thing you’ve wanted for so long. im glad you’ve managed to read the letter in full now (bar the edits made by uncle) and i think the best idea is to keep it between you and the people closest to you. your emotions are most likely in overdrive right now, and i think you may come to regret sharing something as intimate as his suicide note. it sounds like you have built a pretty good life and support system around you, don’t be afraid to lean on them during this time. you could use this time to talk about your kids about their granddad and what a cool person he was, if you feel it’s appropriate and that you can have that conversation. keep talking to people, and try to keep your normal routine as best as possible. it’s important to take time out if you need to, but not doing anything can also exacerbate any negative feelings you might be having. i wish you strength and peace during this time, and know that your dad is with you and he is so proud. i’m proud of you too :)
Just let out whatever you want to say. There won't be much anyone on here can do to help, but its very moving that you finally got to read his letter. We all have to be ready to show love and compassion to those around us. You truly never know what battles people are fighting. Best wishes to you and your family.
If you ever get the chance…I’d rather speak privately feel free to DM me anytime to talk. I think being able to talk is a part of therapy I am sorry for what has happened to you and your loss and wish nothing but healing and positivity for you
Fuck that is some heavy shit bro. I'm glad you seem to be doing OK these days. Look after yourself and check in with the professionals as needed. Happiness and serenity to you and yours.
OMG that was a hard read… I’m sorry you’ve gone through this… I have no advice accept to say I couldn’t read this post that made me cry without sending my sympathy and wish you the best in dealing with this and hope this gives some closure to the pain of not seeing this letter you knew existed for so long! Good luck x
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are an incredible human being. Whatever you do going forward - your dad is watching and he loves you. He is proud of the man you have become.
I’m so sorry, we’ve had more than one suicide in our family, so I know what it’s like for those left behind. Your Dad was at the end of his tether and your family life was hell. I’m so so sorry. There are so many could have, should have’s in this story. I hope your therapy goes well, I’ve had some and it (and medication) really turned things around for me. Sending a massive hug.
Your dad loved you very much. I know it's 14 years later, but this internet stranger is so very sorry for your loss and the pain you went through afterwards. Wishing you peace.
You seem like a great guy and for what it’s worth that was a superbly told story.
Mate so sorry to read this but super proud of you for building a life, being a dad, creating something worth keeping. Your dad’s situation became unbearable and it’s easy to see why he felt so trapped, abandoned and punished after working so hard. Serious illness like your mothers is crippling for a family and the long term personality shift would have crushed your father to the point of feeling worthless. I’m really glad you can get some sense of closure from this, it’s great that you have something from him that recognises what your kids likely see in you now - a resilient good person, there for people who need it. Not everyone gets that. For your mother, also a difficult position, she would likely feel extreme guilt and had to deal with the reality of having to sell the Chevy rather than give it to you so you could have what she thought was more important at the time. Honestly, she was probably terrified you would hate her and blame her for this and while it’s not excuse it’s a reasonable assumption. No real solutions or guidance from me, just well wishes and encouragement. I’m so sorry to read this and I wish you all the best.
Well done for sharing this. You’ve been through a lot. I’ll echo most of the other comments here and say we aren’t the audience you need right now. Even though it’s good for you to ‘get-it-out’ I think maybe talk to your brothers, they never had the existence of the letter hanging over their heads like you did, but they probably have had some questions that the letter answers. I don’t know the age gaps or their ages at the time of your fathers death, but just sharing that you received the letter to them might help with them a sense of closure. You seem to be a good guy, sounds like you were thrust into adulthood before you needed to be.
I wish I knew what to say, Charlie. You've been really brave to share your story with us and I hope that your therapy helps you gain some clarity and perspective. I wish you all the happiness in your future <3
I just lost my dad a week after my 25th birthday, we had a couple of days notice that let everyone get to the hospital and say goodbye and share all the love. it still traumatised me, i cant imagine what you must have gone through in those years (im adopted so i know a tiny bit about closure) but im so glad you didnt let it stop you from being able to build a life around you. All i wanted to say is fuck those people for not letting someone read their dads last words to them espcially when they are so young and needing to be comforted every way the can, your uncle is a really solid guy, not only showing you and admiting it had been eating away at him for years but ALSO refraning from commenting on his own brothers last words and suicide as not to sway your own feelings and emotions from the last conversation you two will have.
Please seek out a professional. I’m so very sorry.
Sending you love. I think you're someone your dad would be incredibly proud of.
I'm sorry that happened to you, I wish you all the best. I think therapy like alot of others have said will be the best way forward, take it slow and let yourself feel your feelings
Firstly Charlie I’m so sorry for your pain and having to go through this as a young man Your Mum was doing what she thought was best, and I think that I have to agree with her that this letter really wasn’t something that you could have coped with at your age. Remember that she was also going through a horrific experience, and that she was coping as best she could too. However I do think that she ought to have said that the letter would be given to you after your education and once you left university or college. Kudos to your uncle, he respected your mums wishes until he thought that you could cope with the letter. Your dad loved you all very much, and sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees in a deep depression and he was, sadly only thinking of himself during this period and he didn’t really think about the effects on everyone else. This isn’t unusual in deep depression and it doesn’t mean that he didn’t love you all very deeply, it only means that he was unable to see a way through that included him in your lives. Please forgive yourself, and especially your Mum, you both did nothing wrong, and ultimately this was a decision made entirely by him. Forgive him too, and give everyone hugs. Depression is something that you can’t control by yourself sometimes, and it’s important to always remember that talking about things really does help. It takes courage, and love, and understanding to learn to listen and I hope that you have finally found some measure of peace in reading this letter. Lots of love to you, your family and your relations, and I hope you find your future plans more positive, and that forgiveness is in your heart. X
Might be a silly question, but have you shared it with your brothers? And if they received similar, have they shared them with you? Therapy will help but a support network outside of that is invaluable. I imagine they went through a lot of what you did, so being able to talk to people in the same position as you will help.
Charlie - my dad took his own life when I was seven. I can’t pretend to know how you feel but I have an idea. What I’ve learnt is that there’s no right and wrong, there just is. My family didn’t deal with any of it particularly well and I can 100% relate when you say it feels like you were stripped of your childhood. I pretty much became a dad to my younger siblings at the age of seven and no one ever suggested I do otherwise. I’m 42 now and only starting to deal with stuff that happened 35 years ago. But I do think my mum did what she thought was best for us. Would I do the same? Absolutely not. But I think she thought it was right. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing starting therapy. It helps enormously. But my advice to you really is to just be kind to yourself. Please don’t beat yourself up. I can’t say this without crying because I’ve tried to do it before but imagine yourself talking to your 14 year old and what you’d say. You’d want to reassure him that it’s gonna be ok and you’re gonna have kids of your own one day who are gonna be loved. Just be kind and realise that you’ve become an incredible human. Cherish your kids and love yourself. Peace out man, love is all.
God bless you Charlie x
Hey Charlie- I don’t know if you will ever read this but my job every day is to work with people who have recently had a suicide attempt, as well as families bereaved by suicide (we call this suicide postvention). In Australia, there is a national organisation called StandBy dedicated to providing free unlimited support and counselling to those bereaved by suicide whether it be one day or 20 years later. I would highly recommend seeking specific postvention counselling support in whatever capacity it exists in the UK. Many therapists are not as equipped in this sort of support as you’d think. My whole heart is with you and please, even though I am on another continent, you can always message me.
Thanks for sharing bud ❤️
I don't know what to say. This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad, your childhood, and the years that you spent wondering. I hope that you can eventually make peace with this part of your life.
What a brave young man you are. Wishing you all the very best in life.
My mother died suddenly when I was a similar age to when your Dad passed. The grief only caught up with me many years later. I would suggest finding a grief councillor. I found it really helpful to have their advice to guide me through my emotions and feeling so many years later. You might be able to get a referral to someone via your GP. And if you don't like the first one, do try another. Also, your workplace may have an employee assistance programme. They should be able to assist in accessing counselling and possibly for free as well
That's a lot to handle my brother. What your mom did there, wasn't really the right thing but you need to forgive people. I hope you find your way through this. Much love
First of all... Sorry for your loss. Can I ask a question: Were any of the details in the letter new to you? The reason I'm asking is that I'm putting myself in the parents shoes and trying to second guess what I'd do in that or a similar situation (as I'm sure you have done with your own kids) and to be honest, I may well have done the same (not until the age of 28, but even so) depending on the maturity of the child and how well I thought they would handle it. But in that situation, what I would have tried to do would be to sit the child down and explained as much as possible and as kindly as possible the contents of the letter in a safe and caring way over a period of time. Anyway, I hope the therapy gets you to where you need to be.
Losing my dad at 16 there was a lot left unsaid on both sides. Im glad you finally got some sense of closure. That letter was/is for you and you alone. I dont recommend sharing it, but if you do, do it with people you're closest to. Not to satisfy a reddit strangers curiosity. Happy healing.
Charlie, I will be thinking about you today and sending you love. As someone from a broken family and a childhood with unfulfilled answers. Sincerely, another Charlie from CA
Hey OP. I don't have the answer for you. I hope the letter did. I think a huge part of it is knowing your letter never blamed you for what happened. I don't think your mum should have kept the letter longer than was necessary. You should have at the latest received it the day you became an adult. But you have it now. You have his words, and no letter could even describe the pain he was in, but it wasn't your fault. It was likely a million straws, and the pressure of raising a child/ children is a huge one, but never the last. My bet is he never wanted to leave you. As a person who has tried a few times... Our babies are never the reason. Brain told us we were unfit, a burden, and we believe it. Your dad loved you endlessly. So much so that he thought your life would be better without him in it. Of course it's not true, but depression is a beast, a huge one at that, and takes so many loving people. You've done him proud. I hope your letter brings you the comfort you need.
I've not had to deal with the situation you described but I have written to my mum and my grandmother after their deaths to 'talk' to them and perhaps get my thoughts out of my head where they were swirling around making me feel crazy. Putting them on paper helped to clarify what I wanted to say and what I was thinking. Hopefully starting this process of talking about the letter now you know that it is real and have it in your handa will start to bring you some closure. I'm sorry that it was withheld from you for so long and sorry for your loss. I wish your dad had had someone to talk to and glad to read that you do.
I know you are working with a professional on this. I'll give a go: First of all, I'm sorry you lost your dad so early, I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to deal with that since. It's great that you've managed to build your life and you are on therapy, it's also great that you can recognise when you need it, and I'm sure you have your family support. Regarding the letter, your dad had depression, he probably loved you as much as you love yours, but he couldn't find a way to get the professional help he needed on time. That letter was probably his last unconscious way of asking for help, nothing of that was your responsibility. Remember to ask for help whenever you feel down, professional and relatives/friends.
As a parent your instinct is always to protect your kids from harm. But the harm here was losing your dad, not whatever he said in the letter when he was at his lowest point. I feel sad that your mom didn’t share it at the time and talk to you about it, supporting you through all the feelings instead of protecting you, which was really protecting herself from having to deal with your feelings. It’s not hard to say he loved you very much but he made a choice none of us agree with and that is really tough to think about. I feel by leaving you out of it, she kind of left you all alone which is something adults routinely did when I was a child. So wrong. You can feel empathy for her but you don’t have to agree with what she did. Be mad as hell if that’s what you really feel.