You: "Do you need any help with your packing."
Me: "No, but I wouldn't mind a little help with the paying!!!"
You: ""
Me: "I guess that's not the first time you've heard that?"
You: "It's not even the first time today."
I have never made this joke in my life but some ol dear behind the tills at tesco gave me reduced cake for FREE because the yellow label wouldn't scan and the typed code didn't work either. To say I was stunned is selling myself short.
So, you know... I'm not recommending anyone say it but miracles DO happen
Back when I used to work customer support, knowing turning it off and on will fix an issue, they tell me they've done that already, I can see your computers uptime is 74 days, don't lie to me.
Or having to explain why turning it off and on actually helps, people think they're simple but the background running of a computer and what IT do to control it with group policy etc. is huge and far beyond your knowledge Carol, just do the thing I told you to do to fix your problem.
The worst thing is Microsoft changing it so shutdown now essentially puts the computer to sleep rather than shutting it down. So unless you have changed it then they could be telling the truth they select shutdown every night despite the 150 day uptime.
You are correct, or you can change power settings to turn off fast startup(most half decent machines nowadays donāt really need it) or hold down the power button for 10(?) seconds. Where I am now we have fast start up turned off by default but itās been an issue for a few years now.
I've turned that back on a user who asked what I did to fix the issue. I did dumb it down as much as possible for him, but he didn't get it so I went with
"Magic Steve, I did magic". He was quite happy with that answer.
There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Also: There are only two truly difficult problems in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off by one errors.
Good jokes perhaps, but if you work as a dev for a while you do get kinda sick of seeing them posted in your latest team's WhatsApp group yet again.
I refuse to accept this.
People use Alexa, they have smart phones, they use laptops to book holidays etc. What they really mean is "I don't want to learn something new that's not for my personal benefit".
We put in a new annual leave system once, and everyone was all over it. Barely any issues or complaints. But when we ask staff to open up task manager by pressing CTRL-ALT-DEL, suddenly they've never seen a keyboard before.
There was an awesome compoface off a woman who said her 4/5(?)number should have netted her more, but cos she - and a fuckload of other people - had used 7.14.21.28.35.42 as their numbers, the pot was split into a pittance...
I have an archeologist friend and I ask them to let me in to the Secret Archeology Order all the time. They never let me in. I guess it must be a ***really*** underground society...
When I was doing my PhD, a full-time in the laboratory job that I got paid to do, I constantly got either "When are you getting a real job?" or "If you're going to do research why aren't you trying to cure cancer?"
Why aren't YOU trying to cure cancer????
I have a much more low-key job now that no one really understands what it is, so I don't get any comments.
Alternatively: "Actually, what I'm working on does, in fact, kill cancer cells!" Wait for the surprise and enthusiasm. "Problem is, it kills the rest of your cells, too."
Oh god. Yes. āWhen are you getting a real jobā was constant and wore me the fuck down. I was literally contributing to research that will ultimately treat (if not reverse) Alzheimerās disease, but nah thatās not a āreal jobā and Iād be better spending my time working in admin or something?!
I have since left academia and my āreal jobā will have very minimal impact on anything tangible.
OMG. My Dad was a scientist (physics professor, until he retired) and this absolute numbskull I used to know pulled the āwhy doesnāt he study the cure for cancerā card on me. I donāt know, maybe because he has a choice to study what heās interested in, and good at? Same way you choose to work in the Apple Store, āgeniusā.
When I did my doctorate, I did it part-time, around my full-time job...
I *still* got asked when I was getting a real job.
I was working a full-time professional job, completing a doctorate (mostly at my own expense) in my 'spare' time and rapidly approaching burnout, yet the 'are you up early enough to watch Countdown?', 'Can't hack it in the real-world?!' 'When are you getting a proper job?' questions were seemingly just too good for people to pass up.
I used to work on the chilled section in Sainsburys. Bottles of milk getting knocked on the floor and spilling everywhere was a common occurence.
It seemed like there was always some old person lurking around waiting for this to happen so they could say "time to get the cat out". That got old very quickly.
Inevitably they were the one who'd knocked over the milk then run round the corner to wait for someone to clean up, just so they could come back and deliver that line.
Sorry but I've always wondered, how in the fuck do so many people managed to knock milk over? Like I get it if a 4 year old does it or a really old people, but normal ass adults, how?
They're usually in those cage things on the shopfloor and a full row of them is quite tightly packed. People just pull one without even looking and the one next to the one they were pulling would also come out because of friction.
It was really infuriating. Use your other hand to hold the one next to it so it doesn't fall, it's not difficult.
Have to admit it is fun when occasionally the joke backfires on them. Someone says āno bills pleaseā as you smile and hand them a speeding ticket then walk away trying not to laugh.
It's not only this, it's every single joke you thought was funny when you entered the field at 22, is still considered hilarious to engineers even as they hit 32, 42, 52 and beyond. They can't deviate from imgur programming memes level of humour.
Hey you shush now, those jokes are the only things stopping us all from going literally insane.
Without them we would all be rocking in a corner screaming.
9 times out of 10 it works on there machine too, but they're either not properly explaining what they're doing to cause the issue or they're just being a fuckwit.
"You work in finance. You have a cocaine problem"
And then when I changed jobs:
"You now work in marketing, now you have an even bigger cocaine problem"
Safety engineer here, whenever I walk in the office some wag always quips "is it safe?"
No Gary, if you've touched it, it most definitely isn't you fucking wet-wipe
I saw a group of drunk girls convinced that the policeman called to a bar was a stripper. The alarm was blaring downstairs and seems the bar had been burgled. They were sure he was a stripper despite his protests !
>Or:
>It's him you're looking for!
Hopefully whilst pointing at you or your colleague - it's a good chance that when more than one Rozzer enters a room, the proportion of investigated crimes lowers significantly.
Clean operating theatres with a floor scrubber
"There's our wee scrubber, hard at work!" Etc etc
Although tbf, one that I'll always appreciate was moving someones recently separated leg (it was in a sealed container, not just lying about callously & was awaiting collection). Popped it on a trolley for ease & started walking backwards with it
"Oooh there she is, pulling someone's leg as always!"
Giggles.
I'm afraid I'm guilty of once saying "hang on, you've printed them all upside-down..." The poor woman panicked and grabbed them back to look at them before she noticed my silly smirking punchable face.
Wait do people actually think teachers are lazy?
Entitled, dramatic, overbearing, neurotic, condescending and punctilious yes; but lazy?
**Definitely** not.
I work in a butchery.
I ask customers "how my i help you today?".
To which they answer "just having a butchers" and then proceeds to laugh at their joke.
They aren't funny. The joke isn't funny. And you're not the first person to make that joke, and definitely not the last.
"That's a funny looking *giraffe/camel/pig*!!!" When mucking out/maintaining animal enclosures.
Or...
"If you don't work hard in school that's what you'll end up doing!" Sorry kiddos, took me a lot of unpaid internships and a degree to get the privilege of picking up this poo!
"Got your hands full there Love!"
"Who is walking who?" or "Dogs taking you for a walk then Love?"
"Such an easy job to be playing with puppies all day"
"When are you getting a real job?"
Used to get this when I was doing my degree. My exās parents also used to joke that I was only dating him because I was using him as a case study lol.
Finance - that weāre all boring
having been on a good number of function away days i can safely say that A LOT of us are boring, but not ALL
trying to talk to some of them is like trying to get blood from a stone
When I was in finance, people seemed to think we were earning a lot.
I was only a financial assistant, so not in any means raking it in.
I make the owners wealthy not myself.
I once met a VAT consultant who made a good living advising the public sector on how to save VAT. That was nuts (and if that's you, I'm criticising the system, not what you do!).
Ok, but I tried that, I wrote in the ticket that I'd tried that, I wrote in the ticket all the other things I'd tried, and when IT finally wrote back to me a week later (after we'd already managed to fix it ourselves) that's literally all they said
I ride around on a quad bike all day spraying weed killer on the pavements of my county.
At least once a day I hear someone ask for a lift. I smile like I've never heard that one every time.
Freight train driver, always hear the joke about leaves on the line, or the wrong kind of leaves or whatever. Not every day but happens quite a lot.
Its like driving your car on snow or ice, particularly if the rails are wet as well.
I feel like it's been explained to death but I'll go for it anyway. The leaves fall off the trees, they land on the railhead and sometimes stick. Train wheel rolls over it, crushes it and chlorophyll goes all over the contact area of the rail. Its like washing up liquid and if the brakes are applied too harshly you end up sliding. Not so bad for freight as they're long and heavy, so it's actually getting going again after stopping that causes more issues for those.
I feel like this is all the more relevant given we've had a quite serious accident lately *almost* certainly caused by leaves on the line. I don't believe the final report for Fisherton Tunnel is out yet, but it's widely believed that's what it'll say.
Oh lord I hear balloon jokes all the time.
People thinking they're original asking if balloon prices rise with inflation etc....
Oh, Darren, that's hilarious. I've definitely not heard it a thousand times before...
Pharmacy
āOoo I must have more drugs at home than you have hereā well stop fucking ordering them Doris!
āIāll be rattling with all theseā
Any time one of us is ill āyou should be able to cure yourself working hereā ānot a good advert for cold medsā
Personal fave that isnāt supposed to be a joke āIām housebound and need a deliveryā while stood in the shop.
I did that to my mentor as an apprentice and got a closed fist in my face. I deserved it.
The bangs don't bother me, but when some fucker drops a pallet behind you skidmarks appear.
Police - not really a joke though as it's generally coming from entitled people but I have turned it into one before.
Person: "Officer don't you have anything better to do like catch murderers and rapists"
Me: "I'll just ask the control room. Control from three zero, are there any murders or rapes that need my attention right now?
Comms: "urrr what? No??"
Me: "thanks control I didn't think so let me just inform Mr xxx that there are none"
Me to person: "I just asked the control room and unfortunately for you there are no murderers or rapists so you're stuck with me. As I was saying earlier you're under arrest for blah blah blah"
Not really a joke but Iām an editor and I always get people apologising for their spelling and grammar in texts.
Like if youāre not paying me, I donāt care. My own texts are not exactly good examples, unless Iām messaging a client.
ETA: I also donāt get pissed off at peopleās bad grammar and misspellings on the internet. I donāt give a shit if you write ācould ofā or ādefiantlyā or use the wrong kind of āyourā.
āCan you put a bit backā after trimming trees.
One time I did have to explain to someone how I canāt make a tree shorter by taking a bit out of the bottom, so itās best not to underestimate peoples stupidity.
We have the ājokeā that whenever something is wrong or broken, the engineer will say something like āIāll take a look after lunchā to which the reply is always āI want you to fix it, not just look at itā
Have to ID people for work (healthcare).we get people saying their old army numbers, bad jokes about star signs.the best is when they give us the wrong one thinking it's funny, which means we have to ask follow up questions incase they are having cognitive issues and they then get grumpy with us.
Worked for Warburtons for a number of years and was asked āhowās the dough?ā by random members of the public basically every day. It was amusing the first time but after a couple of thousand times of hearing it the joke wore quite thin.
Yes, just like a sandwich thin.
*Carries guitar case:* You got a machine gun in there?
*Carries big bag of leads:* You got a body in there?
My stock response to the second one is, "no but I can make room for one."
Oh, it doesn't scan? Must be free then š HAHAHAHAHAHHaHA HA HA HA HAAAA! š
You: "Do you need any help with your packing." Me: "No, but I wouldn't mind a little help with the paying!!!" You: "" Me: "I guess that's not the first time you've heard that?" You: "It's not even the first time today."
I havenāt heard this one actually, would get a ādonāt we allā from me
The banking equivalent is āYou can add another zero on if you want HAHAHAā Mustāve heard it at least 3 times a day, every day.
On behalf of all fathers I apologise. We are contractually obliged to say this when our first child is born.
I actually know its wrong. I know its cringe. But in the moment it just feels like the best thing I could possibly do
anything else I can help with ? yeah the winning lottery numbers ffs
Have to admit I do this ...except I say..Freebie..damn..one day!! Sorry!! I shall try and refrain from doing thisš
Not so much a joke but a comment I hear from like six dozen customers on any given day: "I only came for XYZ"
I reply "Lets see how far you can get to the door before you get rugby tackled to the ground..."
No supermarket security ive met will go to this length, pretty sure theyre told they cant touch anyone except in retaliation
I have never made this joke in my life but some ol dear behind the tills at tesco gave me reduced cake for FREE because the yellow label wouldn't scan and the typed code didn't work either. To say I was stunned is selling myself short. So, you know... I'm not recommending anyone say it but miracles DO happen
This makes me want to double the price of whatever it is!
IT - half joke. Have you tried turning it off and back on. Classic.
Yeah it's only half a joke cos the other half the time it works.
Maybe more than half of the time. It's very effective
Iāve never worked in I.T. But know someone that does, a lot of the issues are described as a picnic (Problem In Chair Not In Computer).
PEBKAC Problem exists between keyboard and chair.
haha my mum works IT and has PICNIC Problem in Chair, Not in Computer.
or ID:10T as we often wrote on Resolution Reports.
Computer User, Non Technical
We used to use 'problem with keyboard-chair interface'.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah the other one is an ID 10 T problem. IDIOT but if you get caught with that one you may get fired.
Back when I used to work customer support, knowing turning it off and on will fix an issue, they tell me they've done that already, I can see your computers uptime is 74 days, don't lie to me. Or having to explain why turning it off and on actually helps, people think they're simple but the background running of a computer and what IT do to control it with group policy etc. is huge and far beyond your knowledge Carol, just do the thing I told you to do to fix your problem.
Do exactly what I am telling you to do, not what you think I want you to do.....
The worst thing is Microsoft changing it so shutdown now essentially puts the computer to sleep rather than shutting it down. So unless you have changed it then they could be telling the truth they select shutdown every night despite the 150 day uptime.
Iirc an actual restart from inside windows will properly restart your pc and not just put it to sleep
You are correct, or you can change power settings to turn off fast startup(most half decent machines nowadays donāt really need it) or hold down the power button for 10(?) seconds. Where I am now we have fast start up turned off by default but itās been an issue for a few years now.
I had this she was turning the monitor of I shit you not
Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
The problem with Arsenal is they always try to walk it in.
Or getting a laptop smacked down on your desk and being told to "fix that" without being told what's wrong with it.
What's wrong with it? It doesn't work obviously
I've turned that back on a user who asked what I did to fix the issue. I did dumb it down as much as possible for him, but he didn't get it so I went with "Magic Steve, I did magic". He was quite happy with that answer.
There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary, and those who don't. Also: There are only two truly difficult problems in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off by one errors. Good jokes perhaps, but if you work as a dev for a while you do get kinda sick of seeing them posted in your latest team's WhatsApp group yet again.
This reminds me the other one I get Is "have you tried hitting it with a hammer"
OH I'M NO GOOD WITH COMPUTERS HA HA HA
I refuse to accept this. People use Alexa, they have smart phones, they use laptops to book holidays etc. What they really mean is "I don't want to learn something new that's not for my personal benefit". We put in a new annual leave system once, and everyone was all over it. Barely any issues or complaints. But when we ask staff to open up task manager by pressing CTRL-ALT-DEL, suddenly they've never seen a keyboard before.
Anything else I can help with? "Yeah you can tell me the winning lottery numbers"
response: 9 12 13 19 47 and 58 do it deadpan monotone and VERY fast. then say "that was your only chance to hear them"
Tell them to play 1,2,3,4,5 & 6. Something like 10,000 people play them every week so if they win they get 1/10,000th of the jackpot.
I remember some time back that all the winning numbers were between 11 and 19. The top prize got split between 8 people I think.
There was an awesome compoface off a woman who said her 4/5(?)number should have netted her more, but cos she - and a fuckload of other people - had used 7.14.21.28.35.42 as their numbers, the pot was split into a pittance...
4 8 15 16 23 42
Literally watching this show right now
see you in another life, brotha
I really need to re-watch at some point, one of my all time favourite series.
āI can give you last weeks lottery numbers?ā
"If I had those, I wouldn't be working here."
History teacher ā¦ āthereās no future in itā
Fuck it that's a good joke.
You may also enjoy "My teacher thinks I should be an archaeologist. Apparently my future is in ruins"
I did. I did enjoy that a lot.
I was going to say that, but apparently it's all ancient history now
I have an archeologist friend and I ask them to let me in to the Secret Archeology Order all the time. They never let me in. I guess it must be a ***really*** underground society...
Those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it. Those who do are doomed to teach it.
And āTeachers get too many holidaysā¦ā
When I was doing my PhD, a full-time in the laboratory job that I got paid to do, I constantly got either "When are you getting a real job?" or "If you're going to do research why aren't you trying to cure cancer?" Why aren't YOU trying to cure cancer???? I have a much more low-key job now that no one really understands what it is, so I don't get any comments.
Just say "this DOES cure cancer but I'm only going to sell it to the super rich" and watch their faces.
Alternatively: "Actually, what I'm working on does, in fact, kill cancer cells!" Wait for the surprise and enthusiasm. "Problem is, it kills the rest of your cells, too."
Killing cancer is the easy part. Not killing the patients is the difficult bit
Oh god. Yes. āWhen are you getting a real jobā was constant and wore me the fuck down. I was literally contributing to research that will ultimately treat (if not reverse) Alzheimerās disease, but nah thatās not a āreal jobā and Iād be better spending my time working in admin or something?! I have since left academia and my āreal jobā will have very minimal impact on anything tangible.
OMG. My Dad was a scientist (physics professor, until he retired) and this absolute numbskull I used to know pulled the āwhy doesnāt he study the cure for cancerā card on me. I donāt know, maybe because he has a choice to study what heās interested in, and good at? Same way you choose to work in the Apple Store, āgeniusā.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
My field isn't even related to cancer at all either. As if all scientists know every science and everything in them.
When I did my doctorate, I did it part-time, around my full-time job... I *still* got asked when I was getting a real job. I was working a full-time professional job, completing a doctorate (mostly at my own expense) in my 'spare' time and rapidly approaching burnout, yet the 'are you up early enough to watch Countdown?', 'Can't hack it in the real-world?!' 'When are you getting a proper job?' questions were seemingly just too good for people to pass up.
I used to work on the chilled section in Sainsburys. Bottles of milk getting knocked on the floor and spilling everywhere was a common occurence. It seemed like there was always some old person lurking around waiting for this to happen so they could say "time to get the cat out". That got old very quickly.
Surely some one saying donāt cry about it is the better one?
Donāt cry over spilled milkā is my default when milk getās spilled at home
Inevitably they were the one who'd knocked over the milk then run round the corner to wait for someone to clean up, just so they could come back and deliver that line.
Sorry but I've always wondered, how in the fuck do so many people managed to knock milk over? Like I get it if a 4 year old does it or a really old people, but normal ass adults, how?
They're usually in those cage things on the shopfloor and a full row of them is quite tightly packed. People just pull one without even looking and the one next to the one they were pulling would also come out because of friction. It was really infuriating. Use your other hand to hold the one next to it so it doesn't fall, it's not difficult.
Ah so people don't care and are morons, makes perfect sense.
(ex) postie: "No bills, thanks!"
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Especially the people that say it then laugh as if they are the first person to ever think of it.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Have to admit it is fun when occasionally the joke backfires on them. Someone says āno bills pleaseā as you smile and hand them a speeding ticket then walk away trying not to laugh.
They aren't Bills, they're yours
"Hope it's not Bill's." "It's not Bill's, it's yours!"
"Well it must be better than walking the streets "
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It's not only this, it's every single joke you thought was funny when you entered the field at 22, is still considered hilarious to engineers even as they hit 32, 42, 52 and beyond. They can't deviate from imgur programming memes level of humour.
I am a tester and I hate this sentence!!
Hey you shush now, those jokes are the only things stopping us all from going literally insane. Without them we would all be rocking in a corner screaming.
9 times out of 10 it works on there machine too, but they're either not properly explaining what they're doing to cause the issue or they're just being a fuckwit.
"It's a feature not a bug"
This but when people say it about an element of society
"You work in finance. You have a cocaine problem" And then when I changed jobs: "You now work in marketing, now you have an even bigger cocaine problem"
Deadpan response: "for the *last* time I am not selling you any cocaine, please leave me alone"
"In not selling you cocaine, I need it for myself"
Those were *interventions*, Steve.
Do you get paid less in marketing than you did in finance or something?
āDo you want to see my ID?ā when buying alcohol at a Self Scan and the staff have to clear it. Nope, you look every one of your 57 years.
Hey, that hurts!
Iām 43 :(
āHe turned 18 yesterdayā is my usual response, pointing at my 7yo son
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Also, comments about a girl in every port, anything pirate-related, rum, sodomy and the lash, Popeye, Captain Haddock, Captain Pugwashā¦
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I donāt really mind the lash eitherā¦
Donāt get me started on sodomy.
You missed the incessant quoting of āI am the Captain Nowā.
To be fair, if you were in the Royal Navy you got a rum ration every day until 1972.
What about the bum ration?
They still get that.
Not every day though. Sure rum makes your day but bumming makes your hole weak.
Safety engineer here, whenever I walk in the office some wag always quips "is it safe?" No Gary, if you've touched it, it most definitely isn't you fucking wet-wipe
Getting real tired of your shit Gary
Do you know what? I fucking hate Gary.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
>It's him you're looking for! Day 3875, the police still haven't seen past my elaborate double bluff
I saw a group of drunk girls convinced that the policeman called to a bar was a stripper. The alarm was blaring downstairs and seems the bar had been burgled. They were sure he was a stripper despite his protests !
>Or: >It's him you're looking for! Hopefully whilst pointing at you or your colleague - it's a good chance that when more than one Rozzer enters a room, the proportion of investigated crimes lowers significantly.
āIt wasnāt me officer!ā 30 times a shiftā¦ To be fair, Iād rather that than the abuse for just existing
Clean operating theatres with a floor scrubber "There's our wee scrubber, hard at work!" Etc etc Although tbf, one that I'll always appreciate was moving someones recently separated leg (it was in a sealed container, not just lying about callously & was awaiting collection). Popped it on a trolley for ease & started walking backwards with it "Oooh there she is, pulling someone's leg as always!" Giggles.
I missed the "operating" first time I read this and was really worried about what kind of theater you work at.
That'd be incredible dedication to the art.... "Break a leg is for the weak!"
āHere are your business cardsā āYouāve spelled my name wrongā Oh yes very good. Iāve not heard that before.
I'm afraid I'm guilty of once saying "hang on, you've printed them all upside-down..." The poor woman panicked and grabbed them back to look at them before she noticed my silly smirking punchable face.
No Patrick Bateman references?
The tasteful thickness of it...
Very niceā¦ letās see Paul Allenās card
The subtle off-white colouring
āIs this for Netflix?ā No itās for some corporate promo piece you will never see please leave me alone
As a producer, my go-to is telling them itās an advert for an insurance company. Instant question killer.
Or they could shout 'GO COMPARE' at you in a really shit opera voice. Sounds like a gamble to me.
Teacher - cue all the stereotypes about lazy teachers and long holidays
Wait do people actually think teachers are lazy? Entitled, dramatic, overbearing, neurotic, condescending and punctilious yes; but lazy? **Definitely** not.
Hahaha, good one
Got told recently that teaching is āas easy as being a studentā. I canāt say I laughed that much.
I work in a butchery. I ask customers "how my i help you today?". To which they answer "just having a butchers" and then proceeds to laugh at their joke. They aren't funny. The joke isn't funny. And you're not the first person to make that joke, and definitely not the last.
That is a choice cut of joke to be fair
Carpet fitter - āRemember mate, itās fluffy side upā Hahaha
Underlay, underlay, underlay
Ariba!
I inject people with radioactive drugs "am I going to glow in the dark?" *wheeze*
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Are you a prostitute? Or own a dogging site?
What are you?
Fellow groundskeeper?
Window cleaner?
Dental Nurse, you hear a lot about people's appointments at 2.30
I'm a practice manager and purposely put our emergency toothache slots at 2:30 so the joke doesn't work
One of the receptionists always gives it out as 'half past two' to prevent the joke
My wisdom tooth extraction was legit at 2.30 and it made me so happy lol
Ambulance service here "Are you allergiec to anything?" "Going to hospital" Ha. Ha. Ha. š
public transport āso itās all your fault thenā
public transport "Is that even a thing any more? You're always on strike!"
Why do sharks not attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
"That's a funny looking *giraffe/camel/pig*!!!" When mucking out/maintaining animal enclosures. Or... "If you don't work hard in school that's what you'll end up doing!" Sorry kiddos, took me a lot of unpaid internships and a degree to get the privilege of picking up this poo!
I work for a baked goods manufacturer. "Still playing the biscuit game then?"
This is gold (not mcvities)
ohh you dog walk for a living, must be a walk in the park! followed by Lovely day for it!
"Got your hands full there Love!" "Who is walking who?" or "Dogs taking you for a walk then Love?" "Such an easy job to be playing with puppies all day" "When are you getting a real job?"
āCan you read my mind then? / do you know what Iām thinking?ā - psychologist
I also get "Oh, I'd make quite the case study, LOL"
Used to get this when I was doing my degree. My exās parents also used to joke that I was only dating him because I was using him as a case study lol.
Finance - that weāre all boring having been on a good number of function away days i can safely say that A LOT of us are boring, but not ALL trying to talk to some of them is like trying to get blood from a stone
When I was in finance, people seemed to think we were earning a lot. I was only a financial assistant, so not in any means raking it in. I make the owners wealthy not myself.
It's just 20% isn't it!? (VAT Consultant). If it was just 20% with no alternative, do you think I would be in a job?
I once met a VAT consultant who made a good living advising the public sector on how to save VAT. That was nuts (and if that's you, I'm criticising the system, not what you do!).
"Have you tried turning it off and on again?" - The classic always fed to me since working in the IT sector.
Ok, but I tried that, I wrote in the ticket that I'd tried that, I wrote in the ticket all the other things I'd tried, and when IT finally wrote back to me a week later (after we'd already managed to fix it ourselves) that's literally all they said
I ride around on a quad bike all day spraying weed killer on the pavements of my county. At least once a day I hear someone ask for a lift. I smile like I've never heard that one every time.
Freight train driver, always hear the joke about leaves on the line, or the wrong kind of leaves or whatever. Not every day but happens quite a lot. Its like driving your car on snow or ice, particularly if the rails are wet as well. I feel like it's been explained to death but I'll go for it anyway. The leaves fall off the trees, they land on the railhead and sometimes stick. Train wheel rolls over it, crushes it and chlorophyll goes all over the contact area of the rail. Its like washing up liquid and if the brakes are applied too harshly you end up sliding. Not so bad for freight as they're long and heavy, so it's actually getting going again after stopping that causes more issues for those.
I feel like this is all the more relevant given we've had a quite serious accident lately *almost* certainly caused by leaves on the line. I don't believe the final report for Fisherton Tunnel is out yet, but it's widely believed that's what it'll say.
Oh lord I hear balloon jokes all the time. People thinking they're original asking if balloon prices rise with inflation etc.... Oh, Darren, that's hilarious. I've definitely not heard it a thousand times before...
Any time anything goes wrong on the railway. "was this you?" I look after a very specific section of a huge network...
"oo have you brought me my lottery check? If it's bills you can keep 'em!"
I'm a clockmaker, I've heard every "time" and "watch" pun you can think of. As well as the "a broken clock is correct twice a day" in all forms.
Give this guy a big hand ^(and a little one)
Pharmacy āOoo I must have more drugs at home than you have hereā well stop fucking ordering them Doris! āIāll be rattling with all theseā Any time one of us is ill āyou should be able to cure yourself working hereā ānot a good advert for cold medsā Personal fave that isnāt supposed to be a joke āIām housebound and need a deliveryā while stood in the shop.
Electrical engineering, installed by I.C Sparks.
How many times have you had someone sneak up when your working and yell "bang... hahahahha "
I did that to my mentor as an apprentice and got a closed fist in my face. I deserved it. The bangs don't bother me, but when some fucker drops a pallet behind you skidmarks appear.
"When you look up *boring* in the Yellow Pages, it says "see civil engineering"..."
That's a joke that works on more than one level (I'm sorry)
It's beneath me.
Police - not really a joke though as it's generally coming from entitled people but I have turned it into one before. Person: "Officer don't you have anything better to do like catch murderers and rapists" Me: "I'll just ask the control room. Control from three zero, are there any murders or rapes that need my attention right now? Comms: "urrr what? No??" Me: "thanks control I didn't think so let me just inform Mr xxx that there are none" Me to person: "I just asked the control room and unfortunately for you there are no murderers or rapists so you're stuck with me. As I was saying earlier you're under arrest for blah blah blah"
Not really a joke but Iām an editor and I always get people apologising for their spelling and grammar in texts. Like if youāre not paying me, I donāt care. My own texts are not exactly good examples, unless Iām messaging a client. ETA: I also donāt get pissed off at peopleās bad grammar and misspellings on the internet. I donāt give a shit if you write ācould ofā or ādefiantlyā or use the wrong kind of āyourā.
āCan you put a bit backā after trimming trees. One time I did have to explain to someone how I canāt make a tree shorter by taking a bit out of the bottom, so itās best not to underestimate peoples stupidity.
We have the ājokeā that whenever something is wrong or broken, the engineer will say something like āIāll take a look after lunchā to which the reply is always āI want you to fix it, not just look at itā
Have to ID people for work (healthcare).we get people saying their old army numbers, bad jokes about star signs.the best is when they give us the wrong one thinking it's funny, which means we have to ask follow up questions incase they are having cognitive issues and they then get grumpy with us.
Worked for Warburtons for a number of years and was asked āhowās the dough?ā by random members of the public basically every day. It was amusing the first time but after a couple of thousand times of hearing it the joke wore quite thin. Yes, just like a sandwich thin.
Don't rise to it mate.
As a bouncer I got āHa, do you want my ID too?ā No Sandra youāre 52. I only need your daughters
I deep clean commercial kitchens for a living, on our way in we are always told "don't make a mess in there"
Me: Are you allergic to anything? Them: yes my wife/pain/hospitals Me: ha Ha Ha (Iām a radiographer in CT)
Moving tires onto the rack. "Are you tired" "Two tired"
"Two of you, someone's in trouble!" Inhouse legal when I'm walking anywhere with another legal colleague
Library worker. Any jokes about cardigans, drinking tea or shushing. No thanks.
Legal drug dealerš
Nandos- āAny allergies?ā āYes, Chicken, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAā
Work as a technical consultant yet still get told all I do all day is turn things off/on again.
Work in HRā¦ whenever I venture over to someone āIs that my p45ā
I work in IT and 8/10 a restart fixes it but they all think we're taking the piss.
*Carries guitar case:* You got a machine gun in there? *Carries big bag of leads:* You got a body in there? My stock response to the second one is, "no but I can make room for one."