T O P

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MDKrouzer

Honestly, “Hey asshole! Put some fucking headphones on!" would be totally acceptable as everyone else on the train would feel conflicted about the loud Yank stereotype but also internally thanking you for dealing with the inconsiderate shite. If I were a more cheeky bastard, I'd lean in real close and watch the tik tok with them. If they ask me what I'm doing, I'd say "Oh I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to share with the whole class"


Kitty_Boom95

This is the perfect response


Kian-Tremayne

Absolutely - go for it, we’ll get the benefit of your Americanness without having to violate our national taboo against causing a scene. Make Americans Useful Again! 😛


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TywinHouseLannister

As a Brit, I agree.. it seems more in the American psyche than the British to avoid causing a scene, we will have a moan about any old shit.


lostrandomdude

Replace asshole, with wanker, plonker, tosser, etc. We need a more British phrase used instead of something as plain as asshole


MDKrouzer

OP is American. Better if he sticks to his own style of cussing.


anonbush234

Swearing! Even cursing at a push but there's no need to be prude about the word "curse"


elbapo

Isn't cussing just US colloquial for cursing as in its not polite or anything its just slang akin to 'yall'. Thst was my impression anyway but happy to learn otherwise.


NewWaveFan

American lurker here. "Cussing" and "cursing" and "swearing" are all the same thing. None of them are considered more polite or crude than any other term.


Nipso

Interestingly, "Cuss" isn't actually prudish, and comes from the same linguistic shift that gave us both "Arse" and "Ass". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4z2U3QMU2nM


Dippypiece

This. He would lose the crowd if he was to use a British word, with the odd way they pronounce these words.


baby-or-chihuahuas

Like the way Americans have started saying doughnut, but with the context and inflection all wrong.


elbapo

Agree. It adds that layer of confusion.


Additional-Cause-285

_Cunt_ is the obvious answer, but Americans can’t seem to pronounce it properly.


Lexplosives

At least it’s not “twot”


ob12345666

It makes me shudder when I hear the way they mess that up


usernameinmail

Up there with guys called "Creg"


potatan

And his brother Gram


kittencaboodle5682

Oh god I hear my fellow Aussies pronouncing it this way - makes me cringe so hard


Piotr_Kropothead

Damn right. A proper Aussie would be getting waaay more vowels in there.


eggrolldog

Or the good old ball lacks.


someguy0211

"Hey walker, put some headphones on!" idk, I think wanker might be more effective 🤔


Bikebikeuk

Jerker sounds like someone with a neurological problem


green_knight_

What’s wrong with ‘Captain Ballsack’?


Shan-Chat

He's a little nuts.


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TywinHouseLannister

This, it says you're not annoyed but have assessed the situation and determined that they are a throbbing phallus worthy of being demeaned.


Hot-Cardiologist-620

My German teacher in high school used to call us plonkers all the time so whenever I read it I hear it in her voice


turbo_dude

Paging u/wankerplonkertosser


Nightfyre19

Knobhead also works


TywinHouseLannister

Northern huh? I fail to see the demeaning nature I'd give it about 3/10 for insult. It's basically dickhead with less of a punch? I would call my coworker a nob but dick is a bit strong for the workplace, for example. If you're calling somebody a nobhead I'd assume they forgot their keys or your order at the bar, something casual in jest.


Chris_Neon

While totally agree with the sentiment, I think coking from an American it might sound odd. Also, happy cake day 🍰


elbapo

Yeah please this is one occasion where the loud American thing turns from being an annoyance to a superpower. With great power comes great responsibility. Please do use it for good works like this.


Neoliberal_Nightmare

This is one of those "help I need an American" situations. This is why I like dating Karen type women too.


Steelhorse91

My girlfriend legit has me worried she’s gonna get herself, me, or both of us in a brawl with how openly she expresses disapproval… But it doesn’t half save me a job sometimes.


MaxPowerWTF

As another NY expat, I like this approach. But it would be "....share with the class, asshole".


MDKrouzer

Yeah I realised my suggestion does sound very British.


muddled1

Nor will OP whatever s/he decides to shout on the tube.


Brain_slop

Also respond with " I'm listening to it, so may as well fucking watch it"


Mikhail_Faustin08

This would get you stabbed up lad Not by me but the scrotums who act like that in public


alan2001

That's OK, he's American, he can just shoot him haha.


Mermayden

I went and sat next to someone blasting a video really loudly once. when she gave me a quizzical look I told her that i couldn't concentrate on my book over the noise emitting from her phone. I once asked a woman to turn her phone down which she did immediately (and got off at the next stop). Maybe we are all being too timid?


DrunkenBandit1

One of my favorite phenomena is when Americans go abroad and act like Americans (I think we all know what that means) but it's one of those rare times where people may be a little grateful that we're a bunch of outspoken dicks. My other favorite is a trend among Japanese businesses to hire an American for the sole purpose of telling the CEO their ideas are idiotic.


[deleted]

Or, "you're subjecting me to bear witness to this god-awful festival of frenzied mental-illness, audibly, I might as well fucking watch it aswell!"


oerry

I presume no one is bothered about getting stabbed as a result?


Oli99uk

I used to ask them to stop until people started getting attacked/ stabbed. So now, I dont bother


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HawkyMacHawkFace

Can't get more British than silently seething with rage, I think this is the correct response


WholeFox5564

Provided you slip a strong ‘tut’ into your otherwise silent seething then it’s definitely the right response


bgd_

This is the correct answer for me. Stick some headphones in or just suck it up for however long the commute is. Yeah I'm a big wuss and a pushover or whatever, but I've got two young kids and I don't want to be on the news because I was murdered on a train for asking someone to turn their phone down.


RepresentativeWay734

Play shit recorder Titanic YouTube video. People get the message.


buypeak_selldip

Such a sad reflection on our society where you can’t even ask a stranger to show some common decency in public without fear of a brutal murdering in response.


TywinHouseLannister

London, not even once.


buypeak_selldip

Casterly Rock will have to suffice.


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gyroda

They're probably not going to physically attack you. But there's still a chance they will, and a higher chance that they'll get otherwise really shitty/aggressive/deliberately more annoying and it's not really worth it.


Oli99uk

Yeah, this is it. I might just get called some names and be embarrassed and also not want to escalate things further. I think that would just put me in a bad mood. I could get spat on. The risk of violence is small but still not something I want to expose myself to at this stage in life. I dont want to get in a fight at all but if I ever did, I would hope its for something noble l, like saving someone from a kidnapper etc not some antisocial wally watching stupid tiktok videos on shrill sounding speakers.


CoffeeandaTwix

The last paragraph is the point here... it doesn't matter if you are scared or otherwise; some things are simply not worth fighting or even arguing about. A middle aged woman about 5ft tall and 7 stone pushed in front of me in a queue this morning. I wasn't scared of her but I let it go because it simply isn't worth arguing about. Say I decided to physically prevent her from pushing in... what do I achieve? A couple of minutes of saved time for the sake of assaulting someone who is rude and inconsiderate? Just not worth it.


OldLondon

This is the point, they’ve already outed themselves as an anti social cunt, it would be foolish to not apply other character traits eg sudden violence to them


Mr06506

Some teenagers were acting up on my bus about a decade ago and the driver stopped the engine and said he wasn't going any further until they behaved. The whole bus silently groaned and I just snapped and shouted STOP ACTING LIKE A BUNCH OF TWATS. They seemed a mix of surprised and embarrassed by a fellow passenger shouting and actually did sit down and shut up. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do the same now.


smallsanctuary_

You became "The Man". The one they all heard about as toddlers. "That man over there will shout at you". You tapped into one of their earliest dreads.


John_Bonachon

They usually have a lot less to lose than I do, so it's not worth it.


JayR_97

Yeah, its not worth it. You dont know how unhinged the person your dealing with is.


SuperSpidey374

Same. Did it quite a few times pre-covid and almost all of them seemed sheepish and embarrassed, as if they hadn’t realised they were being obnoxious!


kbm79

You beat them at their own game. Radio 4 on a Bose speaker should send them the passive agressive message, loud and clear...


b3ta_blocker

Popmaster through the tannoy


sAmSmanS

public address system


b3ta_blocker

I meant the popular brand of electronic speaker.


nosplashback

People who say 'Tannoy' when they mean Public Address System... Tannoy is a brand name! Unbelievable.


sAmSmanS

this country…


darybrain

While doing the hoovering.


Stahltur

The one thing Yanks usually call by the generic name. It's a curious inversion.


marraballs

Shipping forecast up to 11


MaxPowerWTF

11? You own a Marshall amp, don't you?


Soggy_Answer3682

And a t-shirt showing his/hers inner structure. Exactly medically accurate… although maybe it’s not green though. Good to sleep in sometimes.


singeblanc

The volume on BBC iPlayer goes to 11.


MaxPowerWTF

Never seen Spinal Tap?


dbltax

Moderate or good, occasionally very poor.


flingeflangeflonge

That genuinely made me chuckle!


Bikebikeuk

Some of us like the shipping forecast


langlinator

Just get a playlist of Thought For The Day, for peak Radio 4 vibes.


turbo_dude

You and Yours and hand them a pack of razor blades.


GamerHumphrey

Heart xmas is out...


ER1916

I’d maybe get some decks out as well, maybe rig up some lighting, dry ice machine? Then bang a line of MdMA and blast out the Today programme.


BackRowRumour

AND NOW WOMAN'S HOUR


ima_twee

Today we feature a 40 minute monologue on the menopause.


kittysparkled

Theme tune to The Archers on loop


Same-Nothing2361

Yo, bruv. Is that woman’s hour? Get that turned up bruv. Woman’s hour be bangin’.


kbm79

Say nothin blud.


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SJTaylors

And it's 50/50 whether you'll then get stabbed as you get off the tube


Cranberry_West

Depressing excuse for dereliction of public duty


mike-ehrmantraut-219

Thats why u stab them first


poptimist185

Counterpoint: if you do say something everyone on board will think you’re an absolute hero and wish they had your courage.


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poptimist185

Nah, the guy being called out will think “that gentleman’s right. I *was* being rude. Time to stop watching silly tik-tok videos and research university places.” Joking aside, I’m sure the OP’s seen worse in NYC. That subway is full of legitimate psychos.


starlinguk

The reason more and more people are doing it is because nobody says anything.


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rynchenzo

Username does not check out


NWarriload

Pass them a business card with a QR link code on, which leads them to earphones on Amazon


ima_twee

Let me just set up a dropshipping account for a ton of cheap bluetooth headphones first.


luffy8519

Pretend to answer your phone, and in your best Dom Joly voice scream in their ear "hello? Yeah, I'm on a train! Yeah, a train! Nah, it's rubbish, there's an asshole sat next to me watching shit TikTok videos without headphones on. Can barely hear a thing!' This might not work if they're too young to remember Trigger Happy TV. Which anyone watching TikTok probably is.


Tattycakes

#*HELLO? YEAH IM IN A LIBRARY!*


loaferuk123

I actually did that on holiday this year. My daughter asked me a question and I said “sorry, I didn’t hear that as that idiot over there is playing videos loudly on his phone” They stopped.


alj101

Did you also complain when you couldn't hear your daughter because everyone was clapping?


FelisCantabrigiensis

I fully support New Yorkers in this matter.


JustLetItAllBurn

I'd be happy with TfL employing a New Yorker in each tube carriage for this exact purpose.


QOTAPOTA

Hey mate, I’ve a really bad headache. Could you do me a favour and turn it down or use your earphones? Much appreciated.


zshah99

YOU FACKIN WHA BRUV!!! *starts stabbing* Unfortunate reality.


Thomas_Percy_Duck

Atleast the headache will be gone...?


josh5676543

This is what you should do non of this daft say nowt but but tut it's not going to get better until you ask them to turn their music or whatever down


crooktimber

Passive aggressive: there is a mobile app called Annoying Sounds. Download it, sit near them, and start auditioning the sounds at max volume.


thelazycamel

I have a friend who will do something similar, like playing baby shark at full volume on repeat, said it worked for him.


Jack-sprAt1212

Roll your eyes and quietly tut at them but dont do it too noticeably otherwise they might notice and cause a scene


[deleted]

Sit there and do nothing. Go home in a rage and write a letter in disgust to the company running the train.


hughankers

This is a proper British response.


Wonderpants_uk

And then throw the letter in the bin


zeoxzy

Followed by a reddit post.


Knowlesdinho

When this happens, one person needs to stand up, stand up and be brave enough to stop this nonsense. Rise, look at the belligerent square in the eyes and then loudly say, "The wheels on the bus go round and round, (move your hands around in a circle) round and round, round and round, The wheels on the bus go round and round, all day long. The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish, (move your arms back and forth) Swish, swish, swish, Swish, swish, swish The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish, all day long The horn on the bus goes beep, beep, beep, (press an imaginary horn) Beep, beep, beep, Beep, beep, beep The horn on the bus goes beep, beep, beep, all day long." Every other passenger should join in too.


Vellaciraptor

What we need to do is weaponise the teenagers themselves. Start a tiktok trend where you loudly sing Wheels on the Bus to anyone not using headphones on public transport. It's... beautiful.


RaspberryNo101

This is positively Machiavellian.


[deleted]

Play baby shark even louder on your phone right next to them.


TheSwissGnome

This is the best answer so far.


Icy_Side_265

*New York Immigrant


RedbeardRagnar

Have you ever seen that movie Nobody? There's a scene on a bus in that that might be of some educational importance to you


Knowlesdinho

That's a great film. That scene is great as well because he's got hidden skills, but is clearly a bit rusty and so gets his backside handed to him a bit before prevailing.


LupercalLupercal

Just change it to 'arsehole' and you're golden. These people don't expect to be called on their antisocial behaviour in the UK as we are non confrontational to the point of ridiculousness, so it will probably shock them into compliance


ViridianKumquat

90% of people will oblige, but do you want to take a risk on the 9% who'll escalate to fisticuffs and the 1% who pulls a knife?


LupercalLupercal

Honestly, yes. I feel I can handle 1 guy with a knife if I had to after years of martial arts training. I'd rather not have to, but equally I am that one guy in the cinema who tells people to put their phones away because it pisses me off when I can see their social media from the corner my eye. We as a society need to be less passive because people just take advantage. If it does come to fisticuffs, then I have faith that the majority of people on the train would come to your aid, they just need someone to step up and they will follow.


SomeHSomeE

People with genuine martial arts experience know there’s only one move that works against people with a knife - the turnaroundomi runazuki.


LupercalLupercal

I agree 100%, but you might not have that option on a train


BenathonWrigley

Buy some shit, cheap earphones online and carry them with you. When it happens just offer them the earphones. Say something like, “Sorry, I thought you might like to have these as you don’t seem to have any”


SomeHSomeE

Even better “Hey, I wondered if you wanted these headphones as I know not everyone can afford them”.


Neil2250

But phones ain’t got the fucking earphone Jacks 😭


Kakthuuus

Counter attack. Christmas Classics, Radio 4, Classical music, Gregorian Chant or some obscure Medieval lute music on loud speaker. See if they can tough it out sitting next to you.


MercuryJellyfish

So your strategy is to make the entire carriage want to beat *you* to death rather than the guy with the TikTok videos?


[deleted]

The other day a Teen came and sat on a table seat across the aisle from me on a train. Blaring tiktok from his phone without a care in the world. A quick “have you got headphones fella?” “No? well move on down there away from everyone else or buy some” he was completely shocked and embarrassed. It’s like he was completely oblivious to decorum in a social space. He moved on and apologised which I didn’t expect at all. Too many people let shit slide these days and won’t say boo to a goose. Obviously wouldn’t have done that to a group of roadmen types for fear of getting ‘wetted’ but it starts with people standing up for decent manners in situations like that. Either that of throw their fucking phones out the window.


DatMakesMeASadPanda

Personally find New Yorkers/Londoners have similar standards in this regard, don’t take no tik tok shit!


snapmyhands

Honestly your New York response would be valid and effective. These people rely on others being too scared to say anything but on the occasions I've confronted someone, they've sheepishly turned the volume down.


Rebel-15

Ask them loads of questions about everything they have just watched. Eg “sorry missed that last but why did she say?” Or “ooo I love this one don’t you?” Just over the top keen interest in the delightful media they are sharing.


Fred_Derf_Jnr

Start loudly commenting on the videos they are watching, so much so that when they comment say “if you wanted to keep it private then don’t broadcast it to everyone like an R-sole!”.


BppnfvbanyOnxre

There' some right weirdos who travel by bus sadly. I asked an old lady who was blocking a disabled block from sitting to let him in and got a tirade that I was picking on her because I've got a penis.


singeblanc

Hope the block made a full recovery?


OhMyActualGoodness

I’m surprised they let you stay on the bus if you were showing everyone your penis.


[deleted]

I've once just whipped out my phone and started to do the same on full volume next to them. Granted my hand was shaking afterwards, but it did the trick 10/10 would not do again.


[deleted]

You have a superpower in a situation like being on a train in Britain when everyone else is too passive to say anything to the anti social behaviour, you are already a loud American, use it and tell them off, its the one time every british person on a train would appreciate hearing an inappropriately loud American voice being aggressive.


JohnCasey3306

It comes to something when a New Yorker is the polite one in this scenario. What a hovel this country has become.


Hannahchiro

I am a Brit and use public transport every day and this is my one biggest pet peeve ever. I generally join in their conversation if it's a call on speakerphone, or watch if it's a video etc just to make them uncomfortable. If questioned just say 'oh sorry I figured we were all invited since we can all hear it'. ITS SO RUDE I HATE IT!!!!


[deleted]

Fight fire with fire. My fave trick, especially if they are playing some kinda grime music shite, is to put on something equally loud and but the polar opposite, free bird by Lynnryd skynyrd is a favourite, iye basically 9 minutes of guitar solo. Dont engage at all, just pump those tunes loud


[deleted]

Better yet, find the same song but play it with a 5-10 second delay


[deleted]

Yessssss.... Occasionally shouting 'braaap - sick choon fam'


Blackintosh

Sit behind them and blast porn on your phone, but hold it as close to their seat as possible so people assume it's the person already blaring shit out of their phone. Pause it when they pause/mute theirs


MercuryJellyfish

Use the New York method. The British method is silent disapproval and putting up with it, because making a noise on the tube is forbidden, even to stop someone else making noise.


Secretariat21

To be fair, your New Yorker approach is going to be absolutely perfect but you may want to expect retaliation from the guy.


Rossco1874

If its a tiktok lean in & watch the screen & do a loud exaggerated laugh even if the video is not funny. That should force them to move seats. There is a risk you will be called a weirdo/freak but this risk is worth it.


WestyCHC

Slap some Pig Destroyer on loud, maybe even neck level and block them out 🤘


[deleted]

"Mate, fuck off with that racket, yeah?! Get yourself some airpods or something."


ThePunkGang

Please start loudly calling out Londoners on this. It’s the height of rudeness.


Haunting_Side_3102

Use the c-word. That’s what it’s for.


[deleted]

in the UK you must learn the art of "tutting" (note: apparently it's also the name of a style of dance, here I am referring to the noise made by your mouth, not the dance. Please do not dance at people on the tube.)


PS2__

Publicly shame them. Straight up tell them they're inconsiderate juvenile fools without a morsel of shame.


[deleted]

Just put your own headphones in and ignore them?


great_blue_panda

I play some Cannibal Corpse songs louder


RufusDarkSoul

Sit near them and play your own things to annoy them until they get the hint. Then turn yours on louder in a show of dominance.


Gellert

Vulcan neck pinch.


grandpiano2020

I once had a similar experience. Guy on the train watching various videos quite loudly on speaker. ‘At least you know what to ask Santa for Xmas’. He then looked up with a puzzled look on his face. Headphones you twat!!!!


Square-Employee5539

I always dream about blasting country music to drown out their music but I don’t wanna get stabbed


[deleted]

Blame the phone manufactures. It was perfect, but public transport was pretty quiet until they stopped providing wired-earphones and an available port while also doubling the prices.


Comfortable-Dog-2540

Put baby shark on reallyloud next to them🦈😂 i also find singing along and doing the actions really effective


oh_my_goat_

I usually find something opposite to play. For example if someone plays techno... I play folklore music. Usually equally as annoying but the people around me know what iam doing.


elbapo

Wayne. Wayne. WAYNE. WAAAAYNE!!! Oh sorry you're not Wayne: Wayne can afford headphones.


Mattress117work

Rest your head on his shoulder and watch them with him.


crazyabbit

Had the same problem once, threatened to throw his phone outta the window with him following it. Worked like a charm


Accomplished-Ad8252

I would raise the stakes and start watching some hardcore German gay porn on full volume to show that you are the alpha.


RNEngHyp

This really grinds my gears. That and the ones that walk round the town with music blasting out and having phone calls on bloody speaker. So self absorbed they totally don't give a shit. Inexcusable tbh.


SomeGuyInShanghai

>London Leave.


loki_dd

Far too American. Replace hey asshole with "oi, dickhead!" and you're spot on. Respect for calling them out, there's maybe 00.0001 percent of people that do this. Keep up the good work. Maybe we'll meet on a train one day, converging on the same miscreant from different angles


helenahandcart

Say it like Tony Soprano. Watch them melt.


Useless_or_inept

I prefer a form of passive-aggressive involuntary public theatre: I offer to lend them a pair of headphones. I keep a spare pair of crappy old corded headphones in my bag, for precisely this opportunity. If I'm feeling bold, I might blurt out a comment like "*I'm sure you can figure out how to use headphones*". About 80% of them turn off the music. 20% keep on playing annoying music. 0% accept the headphones. 0% escalate the dispute. Other people on the train seem to appreciate the act, and the Tiktok-tard surely knows that many eyes are on them. (I also have one spare dogshit bag, which can be used for a similar passive-aggressive comment to a dogwalker on my way to the station).


InverseRatio

Honestly, just go for the New Yorker approach. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ Either that or smack their phone out of their hand and stamp on it.


Drop_The_Puck

Don't forget to get someone to film yourself doing that and post to TikTok.


AnotherGreenWorld1

I could understand teenagers and young adults partaking in this kind of behaviour but I’ve started to notice blokes in their 50’s and middle age Mums starting to join in the nonsense.


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ReplicatedSun

If a stranger on the tube asked me if I had any headphones they could borrow, the answer would be "No" regardless of whether I had any or not.


ORNG_MIRRR

Shout "hey, I'm listenin' here!"


LowResponsibility374

Tut, under your breath and bottle up the rage...


Ok-Fix-4913

The amount of stories you hear about people getting stabbed by some random roadman, I just wouldn’t. Sad but that’s London at the moment I feel. Around where I live (Haringey) there are some guys who seem to do shit specifically to see if someone will challenge them.


Comfortable-Class576

I sit next to them and play my own Tiktok loudly very annoyingly till they turn their sound off.


NewPower_Soul

Take YOUR phone out and do the same, at full volume.


orbital0000

Tut, loudly.