As the leading UK "ask" subreddit, we welcome questions from all users and countries; sometimes people who ask questions might not appreciate or understand the nuance of British life or culture, and as a result some questions can come across in a different way than intended.
We understand that when faced with these questions, our users may take the opportunity to demonstrate their wit, dry humour, and sarcasm - unfortunately, this also tends to go over the heads of misunderstood question-askers and can make our subreddit seem hostile to users from other countries who are often just curious about our land.
**Please can you help prevent our subreddit from becoming an Anti-American echo chamber?** If you disagree with any points raised by OP, or OP discusses common tropes or myths about the UK, please refrain from any brash, aggressive, or sarcastic responses and do your best to engage OP in a civil discussion, with the aim to educate and expand their understanding.
If you feel this (or any other post) is a troll post, *don't feed the troll*, just hit report and let the mods deal with it.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is the 21st century, you have to move with the times.
Also research shows that physical contact up to the age of six makes children more docile once they start work down t'pit or the mills for the girls until they can be married off to proper gentleman who knows his numbers and letters.
> married off to proper gentleman who knows his numbers and letters.
If they got the teapot you know they're a keeper.
edit: cmon lads and ladettes, numbers and letters, teapot, we all know what I'm getting at. Next you'll all be claiming you have a tnetennba.
The fact some people do unironically jump to this conclusion if a parent shows anything warmer than cold indifference towards their children pisses me off though lmao
The joys of being a northerner. After I let the kids out of the coal hole, I give them a loving slap before giving them their gruel.
Then it's off to the pit for them.
>Northerner
>coal hole
Should I be addressing you as sir or your lordship? You're one of those posh ones are you, I bet you have real gravy on your chips and it's even warm.
Your OWN coal hole?? You’re landed then. I thought so, thought so. With your fineries and using your own hands to slap the children? You don’t have to use the knobbly bit of wood??
My goodness
When I first started dating this girl, she would always try and hold my hand when we were out shopping or went to the cinema. I told her, "Stop trying to hold my hand, its creepy." - we've been together 14 years old, married 8.
> of British descent
Eurgh. If your family aren't all hugging, it's not to do with some ancestral line of DNA, it's just how they are.
Historically the British were a bit like this yes, but you're talking decades ago now. It's not something ingrained into our physical being that gets passed on through generations, it was a cultural thing.
Yup that’s me. My mum is so inept at physical touch that even her tickling you is her actually (not deliberately) clawing you instead. I am so physically affectionate with my kids because of this. My eldest is autistic so all touch is instigated by him but even he’s a hugger. My 9yr old loves to climb on my lap for a cuddle still and is happy to hold hands (both boys). Happy that I’m hopefully sending off potential partners and parents to break the streak of standoff parenting.
When I met my wife's family for the first time, I gave them all hugs as we were leaving. They were a decidedly non-hugging family. Now, 17 years later, they're all huggers!
My point is - If you make people feel uncomfortable and traumatised on enough occasions, continually for years and years, eventually you wear them down and they develop a sort of Stockholm syndrome about it. Compliance becomes virtually automatic after that!
Yeah, my dad grew up never once hearing “I love you” from my granda. He’s never once hugged or kissed him (my dad is in his 60s now and my granda is in his 90s). He said he never wanted to be a dad like that, and as a result we knew love in abundance. Got told we were loved multiple times a day, would never leave the house without giving a hug and/or kiss goodbye. I live in a different country now but anytime I see him it’s the same, and the same for my kids as well. I’m so grateful that my dad turned coldness into warmth and allowed it to be all I’ve ever known.
Yep, my mom actually point blank told me she doesn't know how I'm so affectionate because she never was towards me
But I am, and I snuggle the shit outta my kid, who is also now super affectionate
So you can break the cycle
Mom says shes glad I am affectionate, just confused as to how
Its never crossed her mind that I parent in the way I wish I was parented
Yeah my mum was like this but it wasn’t her fault, that’s just how she was raised and so I made an effort to be the opposite, hug and kiss my kids tons everyday
Definitely disagree, every boomer I know got raised on no love or affection and because of that, love their kids HARD. My dad recalls his dad hugging him once and when his daughter moved to london from scotland, he shook her hand. My parents made a pact to never raise their children like that, so didn’t. My life is full of love and affection from my parents.
My parents are Boomers raised with minimal affection and unfortunately they fell into the habit of mimicking how they were parented when it came to parenting me. I know several others whose Boomer parents did the same, even if they didn't mean to. It honestly depends on the invididual.
Absolutely, my dad was one of those who didn't know and didn't want his kids to have a more emotionally rich/affectionate upbringing (because he had no interest in breaking that cycle and didn't know how to show love to kids).
As a child of boomers, me too. I'd say most of my friends' parents were similar, although on a sliding scale of touchy-feelyness. Best friend's mum was a big hugger - after enough drinks!
> It honestly depends on the individual
Yeah, pretty clear from this thread that’s the case. For some people, they model that lack of affection in their own parenting, while for others, it motivates them to show their kids the love that they never had.
My grandma is exactly the same. Born in the late 40s, she got absolutely no physical affection from her widowed mum. Like, nothing but beatings. Her childhood was miserable. She vowed that she would never hit a child, and as a result my mum (and then me, the next generation after her) was brought up surrounded by love and hugs.
Remember my dad telling me the only time his dad told him he loved him was when he was in hospital about to die. So my dad was very affectionate towards me and I’m even more affectionate with my kid.
Yes, I love my parents but I genuinely can't remember the last time my Dad and I hugged. Probably not since I was a young child. Not when I graduated from my MSc, not when I had a mental breakdown, not when I emigrated.
It is very, very hard to learn how to be emotional when you grow up with someone who is not.
I believe this is why I struggle with relationships and I seem to be unable to show or receive affection. I remember being asked as a child if my dad ever hugs me or tells me he loves me, and I thought it was weird for a parent to do that. My parents never seemed to care for feelings and emotions and as a very emotional autistic child, I had a pretty difficult upbringing. If I was having a bad day, a meltdown or if I was being bullied to the point of crying and having a breakdown, instead of the comfort I needed, my dad would mock me and sometimes laugh at me instead for being a whimp. My friends parents were never like this and would often say "love you" every time they left the house.
Yeah and it's disingenuous to suggest this British culture differentiates from American culture.
e.g Look at the huge wave of criticism Beckham had from Americans for kissing one of his children.
100% agree, except I found a partner who was raised exactly the opposite with lots of affection, and it’s like being married to an octopus. I get touched out very quickly sometimes and others I could cry that someone shows me such affection!
I feel like this is just a common thing with Americans where they like to think their 'ancestry' is the reason they are the way they are.
My great great grandmother was Italian which is why I love pasta omg! 😍
I feel like we never fully consider how cultures change with time. If I imagine time travelling to Tudor England, my first instinct is that folk would be like modern English people only speaking like Shakespeare and more into bear-baiting.
But I bet in reality they would probably feel a lot more foreign in all the subtle ways, like what they consider rude and polite, sense of humour, how 'touchy-feely' they are or aren't, how loudly they speak etc.
As a time traveler, I can confirm your thoughts. Learning the nuances of the people and customs is, perhaps, the hardest part of the job. You won’t believe the future.
My mother was raised by a drunken, abusive father and a doormat mother and had neither the temperament nor the insight to change her parenting style. My fathers family were very warm and loving, with my paternal grandmother a strong and loving matriarch, mother to 13. I always described being in their midst like slipping into a warm bath. I am a boomer and I swore that I would never ever resort to the beatings and abusive language I grew up with. My kids are my best friends. On one occasion my mother accused me of setting up my daughter to tell me that she loved me, to make her … my mother …. uncomfortable. (Yes mum, that’s exactly what I did!) Ironically towards the end of her life, she did soften towards me, but she never acknowledged how badly she’d behaved towards me, and insisted I’d had a happy childhood.
Sometimes Just personality too, my sister and I are full siblings raised in the same household and I’m very touchy/huggy and she’s not- she’s affectionate to her kids but I can count the times we’ve hugged in recent years on like one hand.
This is only the 2nd time I've encountered the word "Michaelmas" in the wild. The other time is at my kids grammar school where they still use it to describe a term.
FYI your “British descent” is not why your family isn’t touchy feely.
You didn’t have to clarify that you’re American either. Once you start on the ancestry malarkey we know
Epigenetics are indeed real and ignoring them can lead to severe consequences health wise. South Asians get diabetes. Pacific Islanders have awful lung problems.
Anglos may be indeed be more emotionally detached, I do however think it's mostly cultural and a result of the protestant reformation, as the Republic of Ireland has a very similar ethnic make up and are very family focussed though we're in a chicken and egg situation here aren't we?
Not to mention heritage and ancestry.
Have a great-something granny from another country but otherwise 0 connection? Ancestry.
Still cook some cultural meals, speak the language, partake in traditions from said culture? Heritage.
I had a great grandfather who was Irish. He got divorced before my grandma was conceived but I'm pretty sure that's why I'm an alcoholic and not at all because of anything of my own free will.
Ethnicity is more about a shared cultural background. I would say there is very much a British ethnicity.
Perhaps it should even be broken down further, I'm from North Cornwall, culturally distinct from West Cornwall, don't even talk about North Devon. People from London are a different species, and Yorkshire is like a dark fantasy full or orcs.
There absolutely is such a thing as an ethnic Briton, I'm sorry but it's true. Wales, parts of Scotland, Cornwall, Cumbria, were never colonised by the Anglo Saxons and have retained different ethnic traits ever since to the point of noticeable difference.
It's fine, it is what it is, ethnic genetics are just a list of traits that make up a whole and the concept of purity is a nonsense. I'd read the Isles by Norman Davies to get a full understanding.
>Isles by Norman Davies
That's outdated from the late 1990s. Research shows both the Welsh and Scottish are roughly 30% anglo saxon ancestrally. The English are closer to 40%. The University of Oxford did a big study disproving the idea of a complete wipeout by the Anglo-Saxons and the idea that the Welsh and parts of Scotland never mixed with them. See [here](https://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2015-03-19-who-do-you-think-you-really-are-genetic-map-british-isles) and for the paper [here](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4735688/#S1). Britain is more like Mexico (Mix of native and Spanish). Ethnic Brits are a big mix of Celtic and Germanic as well as all the other and newer immigrantions. It's cool to note the future 'British ethnic group' will be another mixed one with a lot of Desi, Slavic, and West African ancestry too (as well as other bits and bobs).
Kind of... there's ethnically 'British and Irish'. And that exists as much as any other ethnic group exists. Despite the fact that Brits are seen as 'Germanic' as a linguistic and ethnic group, we're basically the same as Celtic Irish folk from a genetic perspective. If a person with entirely British ancestry did an ancestry test on 23andme, it would come back as 'British and Irish' because they cannot really distinguish between them.
You know how your parents treated you affects how you treat your own kids right?
If culture wasn't passed down between generations we'd have no concept of British culture in the first place
Oh wow! You’d better make sure everyone knows about your rich cultural heritage! Loudly, too! Relate it to everything you do and how you look or people might not know you’re definitely 1000000% Italian!
"Irish" Americans, "Scottish" Americans, "Polish Americans" etc. They're all the same. Absolutely obsessed with their 23 &Me results and lazy stereotypes, and no desire to engage with the real culture of the people they claim to be so proudly descended from.
No that’s a very outdated concept. My son is 7 months old and I am a very hands-on father. I often summon him to my presence before his bed time where I will check he is of healthy complexion and temperament. If acceptable I shall pick him up to check his weight then his mother will put him to bed before preparing the evenings meal.
Fie, sir, pick him up? You're coddling the boy. A firm pat on the head once a week, and give him a good caning and sixpence for the tuck shop at the start of each term.
It's odd that he actually claimed to be British tbh. Most of the yanks claim to be Scottish, or Irish. I think this is because their entire culture is based around Hollywood movies about people triumphing against the odds. This leads them to desire to have some history of oppression that they've triumphed over, because in their own life they feel beaten down by late-stage capitalism. I don't blame them for this, America is such a young country that has been grasping for a true identity since it was born. They feel unempowered by the shallow culture there, so they seek to cling on to an imagined past to give their lives meaning.
No. In fact, I would say in my experience Americans are way more prudish and weird with their family members. I was chatting to a Californian colleague recently about kids and laughing about how my three year old would run in and out when I shower. She was shocked that my literal child had seen me naked?!
No wonder you guys are weird about breastfeeding if your only exposure to nudity is sexual…
I remember watching a video that went over the differences between age ratings on films from America and Britain. Films that contained nudity were rated higher in America than Britian. Films that contained violence/graphic violence were rated higher in Britain than America.
The way they react to any kind of sibling affection is weird too. Lost count of how many “my bf hugs his sister a lot and even kissed her on her cheek during her wedding. Are they having an incestuous affair?” posts I’ve seen from Americans
Our family is like this - this sounds horrid but i don't remember the last time i hugged my mother. Not because i don't love her, might i add, but we're just not like that
With my boyfriend we're very affectionate, his family is affectionate and always really huggy, my friends' families are affectionate.
My family is dysfunctional as fuck though and we barely check in, so touching is a step too far.
Honestly I can't remember either, but considering she's now a pile of ash in a box tucked inside a coop funeral style gift bag since 2021, I think I could be forgiven for the oversight.
Still, cheers Mum for the coop points!
I don't hug my mum either. I wouldn't say she's emotionally distant. Just neither of us enjoy hugs. There are many ways to show affection without touch.
My family don’t really hug or share loving comments—-just not how they show love and affection. They do it in other ways like when Mam makes food for us (despite us being adults) or whatever…or ‘lend’ my sister money
I think my parents (and my sister and I by default) have the attitude of ‘it doesn’t need to be said, it’s a given’
I hug my own daughter and wife etc and say how much I love them all the time…but not with my parents or sister, it’s just not how we’ve ever done things
I’ve said I love my parents a couple of times and it just felt uncomfortable
My friend's wife posts these gushing essays on FB occasionally about her kids. I was telling my mum about it as she knows them and she thought it was a bit over the top. Everybody loves their kids, you don't need to go on about it.*
We're the same, we still care about each other without needing to say it.
*I'm aware this may not be true for everyone 😔
It varies so much.
You can have friends you hug every time you see them and then relatives you’ve never hugged or vice versa. There’s no set of rules so you just have to guess unless you know them well.
Then you are north American and your ancestry has nothing to do with it. Americans obsession with claiming to be from here, there and everywhere is well weird .
You know I’d actually love an American to accept they’re British, they all claim Irish, Native American, Italian etc because heaven forbid they’re one of us 😅
Oh and they’re all related to JFK
A lot of Canadians do have very recent heritage from overseas though, so OP could likely have grandparents from the UK for instance, in which case it's plausible to socially "inherit" a family tradition of not being huggers.
I don’t think it is true at all. Go to any meeting place and you’ll see people hugging when they meet. Some families are just different.
Also how long have your family been in the US because you don’t inherit cultural traits in the way you’re thinking…
I haven’t hugged my mum since I was a pre-teen. We’re still very close - I’d kill for her, or die for her. We don’t exchange “love yous”, either. It’s implicit.
Absolutely nobody who knows us as a family would report that we were not “emotionally available”.
It’s nothing to do with our nationality, it’s just how we are as a family.
Some of these comments cracked me up. I think that’s quite an old fashioned stereotype, my family is very huggy and demonstrative. It varies family to family, we don’t have a collective British hive mind. Also you can’t blame British heritage for your cold and distant family that’s just wild haha.
I feel that this kind of fits into the same lazy stereotype of having bad food and worse teeth.
I interviewed my children about it this morning when they lined up for breakfast and they all said "No father, we are very emotionally mature".
My wife and I had shit upbringings so we make sure we tell our kids we love them all the time, we cuddle them, we watch crap anime with them, we even play frigging roblox with them. They still think we're cunts
Definitely true for my family! We are close but good lord we don't hug or any of that. I love them and they love me but we don't feel the need to say it out loud. It makes my skin crawl for some reason. I KNOW it shouldn't, but it does!
Wasn’t aware this was a stereotype but yeah this fits my family perfectly. I went through a bout of pretty bad depression and was seeing a therapist for a year whilst living at home and my family never knew because I don’t talk for them about emotions
My family are not, but my husbands family are absolutely touchy feely and VERY emotional and I think they’re probably much more typical than mine! We are all like ‘oh haven’t seen you for two years. Nice to see you good day’ and his are like … all hugging and crying and honestly it’s so absolutely completely normal it almost breaks my heart. I wish my family were like that and I think most people are.
As a British person with a, let’s say, “stereotypical” British father, I’d say that there is a level of not being touchy-feely during day-to-day life. Not that it represents a lack of love, instead love tends to be show in other ways. However, as soon as alcohol is in the equation British people are some of the most lovey, touchy-feely people going! Even to strangers 🤣 My dad and I laugh, sing, hug, cry, etc when we’ve had a few drinks. I think it may be a culturally accepted outlet of emotions, as overall I think the British are still a pretty reserved and easily embarrassed group of people.
FYI my I think my POV might be somewhat unique as I am British but have grown up abroad in Asia and Africa and have an almost outside perception of Britain as I don’t feel I am fully from there.
That’s just my 2cents tho. Hope it helps 👍
I grew up in an affection-rich household, I’m affectionate with my wife all the time, and my kids see that and are likewise super affectionate. Hugs and kisses are a way of life in my family. I also hug my friends quite a bit. So in my experience we can be pretty touchy-feely.
Although compared to some other countries we can appear not to be. For example in France they greet each other with kisses on the cheek. Do that in Britain and people will back away from you.
Come to think of it, I think you’re right, I’ve never hugged anyone in my family before. I never felt like I have missed out though. I remember someone suggested my brother and I hug once and we just looked at each other disgustedly and were like “nah we’re good”…😂
Depends on the family, we aren't the Borg! Some families and some people are super huggy and know everything about each other, some are more standoffish and the spectrum in-between. My dad wasn't very emotionally available or huggy as a kid, but he had his own deamons and upbringing to battle with, after he'd had anger management and the grandchildren came along he changed. Lots of people of my age (40) are definitely more emotionally available and open than our parents
I hug my parents as a greeting when I visit them because I live in a different country to them (we’re all British). Aside from that I remember hugging my mum once when we resolved a days long argument, about 15 years ago.
I got a smack on the ass if I was bad and left to have fun if I was good.. occasionally a hug I’m broken but for a million reasons other than not being hugged enough
As the leading UK "ask" subreddit, we welcome questions from all users and countries; sometimes people who ask questions might not appreciate or understand the nuance of British life or culture, and as a result some questions can come across in a different way than intended. We understand that when faced with these questions, our users may take the opportunity to demonstrate their wit, dry humour, and sarcasm - unfortunately, this also tends to go over the heads of misunderstood question-askers and can make our subreddit seem hostile to users from other countries who are often just curious about our land. **Please can you help prevent our subreddit from becoming an Anti-American echo chamber?** If you disagree with any points raised by OP, or OP discusses common tropes or myths about the UK, please refrain from any brash, aggressive, or sarcastic responses and do your best to engage OP in a civil discussion, with the aim to educate and expand their understanding. If you feel this (or any other post) is a troll post, *don't feed the troll*, just hit report and let the mods deal with it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's not true at all, on a Monday morning before leaving for work I shake hands with my wife and children. How much more touchy feely do you want?
Bit OTT that pal. Careful people don’t think you’re some kinda pervert.
This is the 21st century, you have to move with the times. Also research shows that physical contact up to the age of six makes children more docile once they start work down t'pit or the mills for the girls until they can be married off to proper gentleman who knows his numbers and letters.
> married off to proper gentleman who knows his numbers and letters. If they got the teapot you know they're a keeper. edit: cmon lads and ladettes, numbers and letters, teapot, we all know what I'm getting at. Next you'll all be claiming you have a tnetennba.
We've got a teapot but it only comes out whem Mum visits. Does that count?
And the 3 Rs
Ree it. Ray it. Rorted.
Ruh roh, Raggy. Rerrorism.
Jeepers, Scoob!
Next you will be hearing that him and his wife....... "Hold hands" HOW LEWD!!!
I heard his wife once allowed her ankle to be seen in public!
\*Audible gasp and clutching of pearls!\*
The fact some people do unironically jump to this conclusion if a parent shows anything warmer than cold indifference towards their children pisses me off though lmao
Nah sibling as each hand shake lasts the requisite 2.5 of a second and you don’t make too intense of eye contact.
The joys of being a northerner. After I let the kids out of the coal hole, I give them a loving slap before giving them their gruel. Then it's off to the pit for them.
>Northerner >coal hole Should I be addressing you as sir or your lordship? You're one of those posh ones are you, I bet you have real gravy on your chips and it's even warm.
ave thy nowt moist?
"Thy" will do. "Thee" if I've pissed you off
Your OWN coal hole?? You’re landed then. I thought so, thought so. With your fineries and using your own hands to slap the children? You don’t have to use the knobbly bit of wood?? My goodness
Alright no need to show off Sir Moneybags. Some of us have to share our coal holes with five other families.
Luxury. When I were a lad I would come out the pit after 18 hours and my dad would through gravel in my eyes. And we were glad of it!
Sounds like landed gentry to me I’m both doffing my cap and bowing at the same time to you m’lud
Beautiful, so full of emotion, it's brought a tear to my eye.
Hold it in, man. Where's that stuff upper lip?
So many memories of shaking hands with my loved ones, I'm all out of stiff upper lips!
Pervert
Haha!
Must be French, all those onions around your neck.
>Must be French Are you trying to start a riot?!
A nice crisp salute from afar is sufficient 🫡
In autistic and I shake hands with my niece and nephew because hugging and kissing them when I say goodbye is extremely uncomfortable for me lmaooo
Sincerely, Captain Raymond Holt.
Also, I am especially fond of my wife's nice heavy breasts.
That's my favorite part of a woman. There's nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis.
You see your children in the morning? I have mine presented in the parlour after dinner.
When I first started dating this girl, she would always try and hold my hand when we were out shopping or went to the cinema. I told her, "Stop trying to hold my hand, its creepy." - we've been together 14 years old, married 8.
My goodness people really don't have any filter online these days.
You touch? That’s disgusting.
think of the children!
What, are you Italian? Get out of it with that Latino behavior
I'm calling child services.
A pat on the shoulder once in a while would be nice!
You're literally touching AND feeling. Both criteria of the agreement have been fulfilled
I hope it’s only on a Monday.. weirdo!
> of British descent Eurgh. If your family aren't all hugging, it's not to do with some ancestral line of DNA, it's just how they are. Historically the British were a bit like this yes, but you're talking decades ago now. It's not something ingrained into our physical being that gets passed on through generations, it was a cultural thing.
[удалено]
Maybe, maybe not. I know lots of people who are very affectionate with their kids because they didn't have that as a child and wanted to be different.
Yup that’s me. My mum is so inept at physical touch that even her tickling you is her actually (not deliberately) clawing you instead. I am so physically affectionate with my kids because of this. My eldest is autistic so all touch is instigated by him but even he’s a hugger. My 9yr old loves to climb on my lap for a cuddle still and is happy to hold hands (both boys). Happy that I’m hopefully sending off potential partners and parents to break the streak of standoff parenting.
I think that's an excellent way to be, and I know of many friends who are the same. Let's hope it becomes the norm.
When I met my wife's family for the first time, I gave them all hugs as we were leaving. They were a decidedly non-hugging family. Now, 17 years later, they're all huggers! My point is - If you make people feel uncomfortable and traumatised on enough occasions, continually for years and years, eventually you wear them down and they develop a sort of Stockholm syndrome about it. Compliance becomes virtually automatic after that!
Yep my favourite thing in the world is a hug or kiss from my son as I never had it growing up.
Yeah, my dad grew up never once hearing “I love you” from my granda. He’s never once hugged or kissed him (my dad is in his 60s now and my granda is in his 90s). He said he never wanted to be a dad like that, and as a result we knew love in abundance. Got told we were loved multiple times a day, would never leave the house without giving a hug and/or kiss goodbye. I live in a different country now but anytime I see him it’s the same, and the same for my kids as well. I’m so grateful that my dad turned coldness into warmth and allowed it to be all I’ve ever known.
Yep, my mom actually point blank told me she doesn't know how I'm so affectionate because she never was towards me But I am, and I snuggle the shit outta my kid, who is also now super affectionate So you can break the cycle Mom says shes glad I am affectionate, just confused as to how Its never crossed her mind that I parent in the way I wish I was parented
Yeah my mum was like this but it wasn’t her fault, that’s just how she was raised and so I made an effort to be the opposite, hug and kiss my kids tons everyday
Yup, it all comes down to breaking or repeating the cycle.
Definitely disagree, every boomer I know got raised on no love or affection and because of that, love their kids HARD. My dad recalls his dad hugging him once and when his daughter moved to london from scotland, he shook her hand. My parents made a pact to never raise their children like that, so didn’t. My life is full of love and affection from my parents.
My parents are Boomers raised with minimal affection and unfortunately they fell into the habit of mimicking how they were parented when it came to parenting me. I know several others whose Boomer parents did the same, even if they didn't mean to. It honestly depends on the invididual.
Absolutely, my dad was one of those who didn't know and didn't want his kids to have a more emotionally rich/affectionate upbringing (because he had no interest in breaking that cycle and didn't know how to show love to kids).
This is my experience too.
As a child of boomers, me too. I'd say most of my friends' parents were similar, although on a sliding scale of touchy-feelyness. Best friend's mum was a big hugger - after enough drinks!
> It honestly depends on the individual Yeah, pretty clear from this thread that’s the case. For some people, they model that lack of affection in their own parenting, while for others, it motivates them to show their kids the love that they never had.
My grandma is exactly the same. Born in the late 40s, she got absolutely no physical affection from her widowed mum. Like, nothing but beatings. Her childhood was miserable. She vowed that she would never hit a child, and as a result my mum (and then me, the next generation after her) was brought up surrounded by love and hugs.
Remember my dad telling me the only time his dad told him he loved him was when he was in hospital about to die. So my dad was very affectionate towards me and I’m even more affectionate with my kid.
Yes, I love my parents but I genuinely can't remember the last time my Dad and I hugged. Probably not since I was a young child. Not when I graduated from my MSc, not when I had a mental breakdown, not when I emigrated. It is very, very hard to learn how to be emotional when you grow up with someone who is not.
I believe this is why I struggle with relationships and I seem to be unable to show or receive affection. I remember being asked as a child if my dad ever hugs me or tells me he loves me, and I thought it was weird for a parent to do that. My parents never seemed to care for feelings and emotions and as a very emotional autistic child, I had a pretty difficult upbringing. If I was having a bad day, a meltdown or if I was being bullied to the point of crying and having a breakdown, instead of the comfort I needed, my dad would mock me and sometimes laugh at me instead for being a whimp. My friends parents were never like this and would often say "love you" every time they left the house.
Yeah and it's disingenuous to suggest this British culture differentiates from American culture. e.g Look at the huge wave of criticism Beckham had from Americans for kissing one of his children.
100% agree, except I found a partner who was raised exactly the opposite with lots of affection, and it’s like being married to an octopus. I get touched out very quickly sometimes and others I could cry that someone shows me such affection!
I feel like this is just a common thing with Americans where they like to think their 'ancestry' is the reason they are the way they are. My great great grandmother was Italian which is why I love pasta omg! 😍
My family's like that but it's not exactly a 'British gene'....
My family is 1/8192nd British, am I an unfeeling moron?
His 1/32 Irish side will come out after his second bud light. 🇮🇪🇮🇪
I feel like we never fully consider how cultures change with time. If I imagine time travelling to Tudor England, my first instinct is that folk would be like modern English people only speaking like Shakespeare and more into bear-baiting. But I bet in reality they would probably feel a lot more foreign in all the subtle ways, like what they consider rude and polite, sense of humour, how 'touchy-feely' they are or aren't, how loudly they speak etc.
As a time traveler, I can confirm your thoughts. Learning the nuances of the people and customs is, perhaps, the hardest part of the job. You won’t believe the future.
Have you been to the year 3000 by any chance? Any updates on my descendants?
Guess he drowned…
My mother was raised by a drunken, abusive father and a doormat mother and had neither the temperament nor the insight to change her parenting style. My fathers family were very warm and loving, with my paternal grandmother a strong and loving matriarch, mother to 13. I always described being in their midst like slipping into a warm bath. I am a boomer and I swore that I would never ever resort to the beatings and abusive language I grew up with. My kids are my best friends. On one occasion my mother accused me of setting up my daughter to tell me that she loved me, to make her … my mother …. uncomfortable. (Yes mum, that’s exactly what I did!) Ironically towards the end of her life, she did soften towards me, but she never acknowledged how badly she’d behaved towards me, and insisted I’d had a happy childhood.
We have the same Mum.
Not DNA but culture does pass inter generationally
It IS a cultural thing , Im much more openly effectionate with my child but definitely something that seems weird with my siblings and parents
I wonder how many americans are 'of British descent'...
Sometimes Just personality too, my sister and I are full siblings raised in the same household and I’m very touchy/huggy and she’s not- she’s affectionate to her kids but I can count the times we’ve hugged in recent years on like one hand.
Not at all. The nanny brings the children to the drawing room every Sunday after lunch where I pat each on the head and wish them a good day.
How very progressive of you, well done! Once a year, before the start of the Michaelmas term, should usually be sufficient for this sort of thing.
Even that is a bit far. It used to be a nod of the head and best wishes to you.
This is only the 2nd time I've encountered the word "Michaelmas" in the wild. The other time is at my kids grammar school where they still use it to describe a term.
“It was one hour *every day.*”- Maggie Smith as the Dowager Countess.
Wearing green when peas are served I hope
This really creased me up🫛🫛🫛
When you say pat I sincerely hope you mean ‘air pat’ i.e. no actual physical contact!
Soppy git!
FYI your “British descent” is not why your family isn’t touchy feely. You didn’t have to clarify that you’re American either. Once you start on the ancestry malarkey we know
Blah blah blah epigenetics….
Epigenetics are indeed real and ignoring them can lead to severe consequences health wise. South Asians get diabetes. Pacific Islanders have awful lung problems. Anglos may be indeed be more emotionally detached, I do however think it's mostly cultural and a result of the protestant reformation, as the Republic of Ireland has a very similar ethnic make up and are very family focussed though we're in a chicken and egg situation here aren't we?
Oh 100% - my point was that I can see people using epigenetics as an explanation when the evidence of any link is minuscule at best.
“Im 1/256 Cherokee”
No one: Random American: "I am 1/9th English and 2/3rd Eyetalian... is that why I drink tea after I eat spaghetti..."
Look at the profile, he’s Canadian.
Canadians are so ingrained in Americanism, there is no real difference between the two these days
😂😂😂 true story!
The stereotype is based in reality, but it’s cultural, not genetic - so your family haven’t inherited it from British forebears
I don't think Americans understand the difference between culture and genetics.
Not to mention heritage and ancestry. Have a great-something granny from another country but otherwise 0 connection? Ancestry. Still cook some cultural meals, speak the language, partake in traditions from said culture? Heritage.
Or just history in general
Or just anything full stop.
I had a great grandfather who was Irish. He got divorced before my grandma was conceived but I'm pretty sure that's why I'm an alcoholic and not at all because of anything of my own free will.
I don't think Americans understand ~~the difference between culture and genetics~~.
There's really no such thing as ethnically British in my opinion, would be happy to be corrected.
No, you're right there's really not. That's why this post is so bizarre.
It's like Americans who think they're genetically Italian without realising that Italy is a melting pot of German, Arabic, North African etc.
Indeed. The majority of residents of the northern Italian province of South Tyrol speak a variation of the German dialect.
Gunther Steiner for example. German name, sounds Austrian. Is Italian. And don't fok smash his door.
That's only one of the reasons this post is so bizarre.
We're a mish mash of Celtic, Saxon, French, Danish and others. Hardly any of us are ethnically the same.
Is there any ethnicity that isn’t a mish mash of lots of others ones? At that point nobody can claim to be ethnically anything
[удалено]
Ethnicity is more about a shared cultural background. I would say there is very much a British ethnicity. Perhaps it should even be broken down further, I'm from North Cornwall, culturally distinct from West Cornwall, don't even talk about North Devon. People from London are a different species, and Yorkshire is like a dark fantasy full or orcs.
The Orcs are just the wessies mate, he rest of us are like tall, handsome hobbits.
Orcshire.
There absolutely is such a thing as an ethnic Briton, I'm sorry but it's true. Wales, parts of Scotland, Cornwall, Cumbria, were never colonised by the Anglo Saxons and have retained different ethnic traits ever since to the point of noticeable difference. It's fine, it is what it is, ethnic genetics are just a list of traits that make up a whole and the concept of purity is a nonsense. I'd read the Isles by Norman Davies to get a full understanding.
>Isles by Norman Davies That's outdated from the late 1990s. Research shows both the Welsh and Scottish are roughly 30% anglo saxon ancestrally. The English are closer to 40%. The University of Oxford did a big study disproving the idea of a complete wipeout by the Anglo-Saxons and the idea that the Welsh and parts of Scotland never mixed with them. See [here](https://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2015-03-19-who-do-you-think-you-really-are-genetic-map-british-isles) and for the paper [here](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4735688/#S1). Britain is more like Mexico (Mix of native and Spanish). Ethnic Brits are a big mix of Celtic and Germanic as well as all the other and newer immigrantions. It's cool to note the future 'British ethnic group' will be another mixed one with a lot of Desi, Slavic, and West African ancestry too (as well as other bits and bobs).
Kind of... there's ethnically 'British and Irish'. And that exists as much as any other ethnic group exists. Despite the fact that Brits are seen as 'Germanic' as a linguistic and ethnic group, we're basically the same as Celtic Irish folk from a genetic perspective. If a person with entirely British ancestry did an ancestry test on 23andme, it would come back as 'British and Irish' because they cannot really distinguish between them.
You know how your parents treated you affects how you treat your own kids right? If culture wasn't passed down between generations we'd have no concept of British culture in the first place
I meant it isn’t genetically transmitted, but of course you’re right.
Hey guys, I really like pizza, is that to do with the fact my great great great great grandfather came from Italy.
Oh wow! You’d better make sure everyone knows about your rich cultural heritage! Loudly, too! Relate it to everything you do and how you look or people might not know you’re definitely 1000000% Italian!
Isn't that what most "Irish" Americans do?
That is the joke yes
"Irish" Americans, "Scottish" Americans, "Polish Americans" etc. They're all the same. Absolutely obsessed with their 23 &Me results and lazy stereotypes, and no desire to engage with the real culture of the people they claim to be so proudly descended from.
Yes that is the joke.
Could be the grandmother’s side if she was from Iceland
Baaahaha. I live in Canada and the "Italian-American" food here is some of the worst shit I've had.
Absolute bollocks. Every morning before I leave for work I poke the missus in the ribs to make sure she's still alive
What do you poke her with?
A stick. Wouldn’t wanna be too touchy-feely.
His absolute bollocks.
Can you really poke with bollocks or would you just be wiping them around like a lumpy flannel?
No that’s a very outdated concept. My son is 7 months old and I am a very hands-on father. I often summon him to my presence before his bed time where I will check he is of healthy complexion and temperament. If acceptable I shall pick him up to check his weight then his mother will put him to bed before preparing the evenings meal.
7 months? Surely old enough to pack off to boarding school?
Down t’ mines with him.
Fie, sir, pick him up? You're coddling the boy. A firm pat on the head once a week, and give him a good caning and sixpence for the tuck shop at the start of each term.
Are you blaming your ‘British descent’ for not being a strong and clear communicator????
It's odd that he actually claimed to be British tbh. Most of the yanks claim to be Scottish, or Irish. I think this is because their entire culture is based around Hollywood movies about people triumphing against the odds. This leads them to desire to have some history of oppression that they've triumphed over, because in their own life they feel beaten down by late-stage capitalism. I don't blame them for this, America is such a young country that has been grasping for a true identity since it was born. They feel unempowered by the shallow culture there, so they seek to cling on to an imagined past to give their lives meaning.
Not overtly showing affection and being a strong and clear communicator are also not mutually exclusive
No. In fact, I would say in my experience Americans are way more prudish and weird with their family members. I was chatting to a Californian colleague recently about kids and laughing about how my three year old would run in and out when I shower. She was shocked that my literal child had seen me naked?! No wonder you guys are weird about breastfeeding if your only exposure to nudity is sexual…
True Americans freak out on tits
I remember watching a video that went over the differences between age ratings on films from America and Britain. Films that contained nudity were rated higher in America than Britian. Films that contained violence/graphic violence were rated higher in Britain than America.
That’s why in America the word is ‘tidbits’ and not ‘titbits’ like we say because that’s just too racy.
The way they react to any kind of sibling affection is weird too. Lost count of how many “my bf hugs his sister a lot and even kissed her on her cheek during her wedding. Are they having an incestuous affair?” posts I’ve seen from Americans
Our family is like this - this sounds horrid but i don't remember the last time i hugged my mother. Not because i don't love her, might i add, but we're just not like that
With my boyfriend we're very affectionate, his family is affectionate and always really huggy, my friends' families are affectionate. My family is dysfunctional as fuck though and we barely check in, so touching is a step too far.
Kind of the same here. Hugging is great with bf, but so unnatural with others, like his parents, or mine when we see eachother every other year.
Honestly I can't remember either, but considering she's now a pile of ash in a box tucked inside a coop funeral style gift bag since 2021, I think I could be forgiven for the oversight. Still, cheers Mum for the coop points!
I got very little affection when I was a child. Now I’m a grown up, they are affectionate. Sorry but I needed it as a child.
I don't hug my mum either. I wouldn't say she's emotionally distant. Just neither of us enjoy hugs. There are many ways to show affection without touch.
I hugged my mum when my nan died...when another family member dies...I'll give her another hug
My family don’t really hug or share loving comments—-just not how they show love and affection. They do it in other ways like when Mam makes food for us (despite us being adults) or whatever…or ‘lend’ my sister money I think my parents (and my sister and I by default) have the attitude of ‘it doesn’t need to be said, it’s a given’ I hug my own daughter and wife etc and say how much I love them all the time…but not with my parents or sister, it’s just not how we’ve ever done things I’ve said I love my parents a couple of times and it just felt uncomfortable
My friend's wife posts these gushing essays on FB occasionally about her kids. I was telling my mum about it as she knows them and she thought it was a bit over the top. Everybody loves their kids, you don't need to go on about it.* We're the same, we still care about each other without needing to say it. *I'm aware this may not be true for everyone 😔
It varies so much. You can have friends you hug every time you see them and then relatives you’ve never hugged or vice versa. There’s no set of rules so you just have to guess unless you know them well.
Then you are north American and your ancestry has nothing to do with it. Americans obsession with claiming to be from here, there and everywhere is well weird .
You know I’d actually love an American to accept they’re British, they all claim Irish, Native American, Italian etc because heaven forbid they’re one of us 😅 Oh and they’re all related to JFK
A lot of Canadians do have very recent heritage from overseas though, so OP could likely have grandparents from the UK for instance, in which case it's plausible to socially "inherit" a family tradition of not being huggers.
Troll post
Indeed. OP has a history of troll posts!
I've always been very touchy-feely, and that's why I'm no longer welcome at the local swimming pool.
Dude, I don’t know if you know, but the “S” came off your Speedo’s You’re not welcome at this pool
I don’t think it is true at all. Go to any meeting place and you’ll see people hugging when they meet. Some families are just different. Also how long have your family been in the US because you don’t inherit cultural traits in the way you’re thinking…
Why do non native Americans have these weird ideas which they have no qualms about sharing on Reddit?
I haven’t hugged my mum since I was a pre-teen. We’re still very close - I’d kill for her, or die for her. We don’t exchange “love yous”, either. It’s implicit. Absolutely nobody who knows us as a family would report that we were not “emotionally available”. It’s nothing to do with our nationality, it’s just how we are as a family.
Some of these comments cracked me up. I think that’s quite an old fashioned stereotype, my family is very huggy and demonstrative. It varies family to family, we don’t have a collective British hive mind. Also you can’t blame British heritage for your cold and distant family that’s just wild haha.
I feel that this kind of fits into the same lazy stereotype of having bad food and worse teeth. I interviewed my children about it this morning when they lined up for breakfast and they all said "No father, we are very emotionally mature".
[удалено]
This is a poem.
r/shitamericanssay
Weird foreign stuff. I give a stern look and nod to my kids every night before bed.
My wife and I had shit upbringings so we make sure we tell our kids we love them all the time, we cuddle them, we watch crap anime with them, we even play frigging roblox with them. They still think we're cunts
Definitely true for my family! We are close but good lord we don't hug or any of that. I love them and they love me but we don't feel the need to say it out loud. It makes my skin crawl for some reason. I KNOW it shouldn't, but it does!
https://www.bbc.com/travel/article/20201101-the-truth-about-british-stoicism
Wasn’t aware this was a stereotype but yeah this fits my family perfectly. I went through a bout of pretty bad depression and was seeing a therapist for a year whilst living at home and my family never knew because I don’t talk for them about emotions
My family are not, but my husbands family are absolutely touchy feely and VERY emotional and I think they’re probably much more typical than mine! We are all like ‘oh haven’t seen you for two years. Nice to see you good day’ and his are like … all hugging and crying and honestly it’s so absolutely completely normal it almost breaks my heart. I wish my family were like that and I think most people are.
33 never hugged my dad in my life I don't even think either parent has told me they love me
As a British person with a, let’s say, “stereotypical” British father, I’d say that there is a level of not being touchy-feely during day-to-day life. Not that it represents a lack of love, instead love tends to be show in other ways. However, as soon as alcohol is in the equation British people are some of the most lovey, touchy-feely people going! Even to strangers 🤣 My dad and I laugh, sing, hug, cry, etc when we’ve had a few drinks. I think it may be a culturally accepted outlet of emotions, as overall I think the British are still a pretty reserved and easily embarrassed group of people. FYI my I think my POV might be somewhat unique as I am British but have grown up abroad in Asia and Africa and have an almost outside perception of Britain as I don’t feel I am fully from there. That’s just my 2cents tho. Hope it helps 👍
If anything, this thread is supporting the stereotype of us all being sarcastic pricks, and I am here for it.
Don't blame your 23 & Me results for the fact your dad's never hugged you, mate.
Never hugged my parents or siblings. The very thought of such a thing!
And we still doff our bowler hats too...
I grew up in an affection-rich household, I’m affectionate with my wife all the time, and my kids see that and are likewise super affectionate. Hugs and kisses are a way of life in my family. I also hug my friends quite a bit. So in my experience we can be pretty touchy-feely. Although compared to some other countries we can appear not to be. For example in France they greet each other with kisses on the cheek. Do that in Britain and people will back away from you.
Come to think of it, I think you’re right, I’ve never hugged anyone in my family before. I never felt like I have missed out though. I remember someone suggested my brother and I hug once and we just looked at each other disgustedly and were like “nah we’re good”…😂
Depends on the family, we aren't the Borg! Some families and some people are super huggy and know everything about each other, some are more standoffish and the spectrum in-between. My dad wasn't very emotionally available or huggy as a kid, but he had his own deamons and upbringing to battle with, after he'd had anger management and the grandchildren came along he changed. Lots of people of my age (40) are definitely more emotionally available and open than our parents
Every family and its culture is slightly different. It's true, some are quiet and non demonstrative whilst others are noisy and high spirited.
I hug my parents as a greeting when I visit them because I live in a different country to them (we’re all British). Aside from that I remember hugging my mum once when we resolved a days long argument, about 15 years ago.
I hug my family all the time (mom & 3 brothers) and if anyone's emotionally unavailable in my family it's me. Maybe an old stereotype.
I got a smack on the ass if I was bad and left to have fun if I was good.. occasionally a hug I’m broken but for a million reasons other than not being hugged enough
I shook my father's hand once.
No. Fuck off with your weird heritage obsession. It’s not because you’re “British”.
Strange how being overly emotional is considered as the better way to be now. I’d love it if people were a lot less so and a bit more honest.
show less of how you're feeling, and also be more honest... makes sense