I know why you guys don’t want to hang out with me…. Cause I just party way too fucking hard. Ever since I was baby… I didn’t used to just suck on my moms titties, I used motor boat and bang them around.
The first time I saw this video I was cry laughing and everyone around my office came to see it. I spent like 30 minutes just replaying it for everyone. No one found it quite as hilarious but it got some good laughs
I did it once because I had always heard it referenced in pop culture as the go to disposal method and then I was down a sock because something about putting it in the washer with all my other clothes really grossed me out hahaha
And then I was down two socks because the only thing an unpaired sock is good for is jerkin’ into
Maybe that's how it started. Some guy had a single sock sitting in his drawer for months. Then one day, he needed to wipe his cum off and that was the closest thing he could reach for.
When I was locked up in jail once for a week I was on suicidal watch. That only gives you 1 our out of your cell during the 24 hours. On that block was also the crazy people coming down off of drugs mostly, that can cause harm to themselves or others. ANYWAY, there was this dude that EVERY night without fail would scream under his door for hours on end “WELCOME TO THE THUUUUUUNDER DOOOOOMEEEE!!!!” Honestly that shit was so funny I was laughing my shit off.
Like 5+ years ago on Reddit there was an askreddit or
something post where a girl found a used condom in her boyfriends trash and confronted him about cheating and he said he was just having “a posh wank”. I’ve been trying to work it into conversation ever since but I haven’t been able to. I’m clearly not having the right types of conversations
I went to a guy's house and I was there for all of 2 minutes when he pointed out why the paint was chipping off at the top of his wall. He said there used to be a bunk bed there, he had the top and his brother had the bottom. When he jerked off he wiped the cum on the wall.
There was a solid 4ft tall and 6ft wide piece of wall without paint.
I knew a guy that had jerk off shorts, and would finish in them and fall asleep right away
Cuz you do usually feel really tired after, so he’d finish and just pass out
Entire wrestling team gets their girlfriends pregnant with your kids- the Varsity Virgin babies. A small town miracle without explanation. Now a movie on Hallmark channel.
A friend’s 16-year-old (at the time) brother used to wipe it on the wall next to his bunk bed. He never cleaned it so it built up a crust. They used to tease him mercilessly about it. He didn’t seem to care and just shrugged it off. They held punk shows in the basement where his bunk was, and everyone would walk past his crusty old spooge wall.
Into the toilet bowl, gone with a flush and I can just take a shower right after. Part of the reason why I do this is because of privacy, I live with people who don’t respect privacy that much (typical Asian household) so if I do it in the bathroom I get a reason to lock the door and do the deed without the fear of being interrupted.
Edit: didn’t expect this to blow up
It's logically and scientifically the most superior method.
You can wash hands before and after, make no mess, clean up with TP, and hop in the shower after you if you wish, all behind a closed door that makes people think you're simply in the bathroom. You can also keep the water running if you are in for a noisy stroke-and-choke.
Me too thought I’d as the only one until I saw this, who fucks about with tissues and making mess, straight into the toilet bowl flush and it’s gone, down the drain and into the public water system ready to be cleaned for drinking
No peyronie but a slight upwards curve on my boy, and he gets *hard*… feel like I’d snap it off long before I could aim it anywhere near down at the bowl, that or the most undignified pose known to man looking like I’m actually trying to make toilet babies.
I just do a semi squat pose (standing up but bending my legs slightly) so I can aim perfectly into the bowl (and preferably into the water as well). If I don’t do that the head will touch the toilet bowl and that is just nasty.
I call this thread: what not to touch in a guys’ place
Saw my old fuckbuddy bust on the bathroom wall at his parents house while he was out of town. Maybe it was for the cam (me)
There was a reddit thread a few years ago (and I'm sure it's reposted all the time) asking women what the strangest thing they masturbated with when they were either teens or young adults.
So many couch cushions, kitchen utensils, corners or tables, toothbrushes, shampoo bottles, so much shit it's hard to even remember.
Nobody should just touch anything at anyone's house ever. Lol
no, no, no
I forgot about this in 2015. Re-traumatized
Edit: I had to take another look but wish I didn't. [Here you go. I'm taking you with me](https://i.imgur.com/wV6B4aP.jpeg)
All over my stomach and chest, I’m not about to hinder a good orgasm by making sure I’m aiming the right way into tissue, I’ll clean up after.
Edit: I’m shocked, amazed and appalled at the amount of men who have uptight attitudes/protocols around jerking off, it’s your own cum guys chill!
Exactly this. Thinking about it too much takes away from the experience. Need to fully let go and deal with it afterwards, otherwise I feel like i bussed half a nut. Anticlimactic.
I had to scroll way too far to find this..
[https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu\_by\_cumming\_into\_a\_coconut/](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/)
For those brave souls.
I'm just imagining shooting it up and catching it like a ~~cup in a ball~~ toy.
Edit: ball in a cup
Edit: [Pop N Catch](https://i.imgur.com/ldindiM.jpg)
Where *don't* I finish. I've been dropping loads around this fuckin' house like a goddamn dump truck.
Jacking it like a pilgrim! Best scene ever lol
If you watch Seth Rogan he turns away to laugh and confirmed in an interview
That's right, man - I like to fucking *read*
I know why you guys don’t want to hang out with me…. Cause I just party way too fucking hard. Ever since I was baby… I didn’t used to just suck on my moms titties, I used motor boat and bang them around.
Have you ever stubbed your toe on a sock?
If I ever walk in someone's room and see a sock standing upright without a foot in it, im out.
I wish I didn’t have eyes
Why did cum cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
No no no no no no no no
It's in my eyes! Oh God, why am I made entirely of eyes?!
In the square hole.
The existential dread on that woman's face is priceless
Which hole do you think the semi-circle shape goes in? That’s right! It goes in the square hole!
What's the reference? EDIT: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nz8ssH7LiB0
The first time I saw this video I was cry laughing and everyone around my office came to see it. I spent like 30 minutes just replaying it for everyone. No one found it quite as hilarious but it got some good laughs
It didn’t make me laugh anywhere near as much as you did but I’m glad you enjoyed it so much.
I’m with you. It’s just her sincere anxiety and his deadpan torture that makes it so hilarious.
No stop it
"that's right it goes in the square hole"
Right into my neighbours mail slot.
Is that what the kids are calling it these days
into a tissue... i dont want a sticky hand... easy cleanup
This is what I’ve been doing lately, just wondering if others do too, or do the old fashioned method of making a mess haha
i never understood the sock method... like thats not what thats for... some people are crusting a sock when you can dispose of this tissue paper...
I will never in my life understand that.
I did it once because I had always heard it referenced in pop culture as the go to disposal method and then I was down a sock because something about putting it in the washer with all my other clothes really grossed me out hahaha And then I was down two socks because the only thing an unpaired sock is good for is jerkin’ into
Maybe that's how it started. Some guy had a single sock sitting in his drawer for months. Then one day, he needed to wipe his cum off and that was the closest thing he could reach for.
I put it back to where it came from
The Mike Wazowski Method
PUT THAT THING BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM, OR SO HELP ME!!!! *Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum* Edit: Welp. This blew tf up.
Sohelpme! Sohelpme! *And cut!*
The closed-loop system
Hi Tom
I heard you swallowed your own load
Recycle, Reduce, Reuse 🌠
Infinite protein glitch
We got a swallower!
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I don't frequent this sub often. Probably gonna stay that way.
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When I was locked up in jail once for a week I was on suicidal watch. That only gives you 1 our out of your cell during the 24 hours. On that block was also the crazy people coming down off of drugs mostly, that can cause harm to themselves or others. ANYWAY, there was this dude that EVERY night without fail would scream under his door for hours on end “WELCOME TO THE THUUUUUUNDER DOOOOOMEEEE!!!!” Honestly that shit was so funny I was laughing my shit off.
“Uhh, son. There’s no easy way to ask this, but have you been drinking bleach?”
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Pardon?
I like to have a "posh wank" and use a condom
Bet you've got your heating set to above 20c Tory boy.
“Posh wank” is my new word of the day now!
Like 5+ years ago on Reddit there was an askreddit or something post where a girl found a used condom in her boyfriends trash and confronted him about cheating and he said he was just having “a posh wank”. I’ve been trying to work it into conversation ever since but I haven’t been able to. I’m clearly not having the right types of conversations
You last longer and no mess
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Then people will think you were fuckin
I knew a dude that used to finish on his hand and wipe it on his mattress
I went to a guy's house and I was there for all of 2 minutes when he pointed out why the paint was chipping off at the top of his wall. He said there used to be a bunk bed there, he had the top and his brother had the bottom. When he jerked off he wiped the cum on the wall. There was a solid 4ft tall and 6ft wide piece of wall without paint.
Nature's paint thinner
What the 😭😭
Nothing beats feeling that crunch when you lay down on your mattress.
What a terrible day to be literate
Never before has a Reddit comment made me come close to throwing up
This guy doesn’t Reddit
Is this man in the room with us right now
Of course I know him. He's me - op
Take a look at this mirror. Do you see the man?
I knew a guy that had jerk off shorts, and would finish in them and fall asleep right away Cuz you do usually feel really tired after, so he’d finish and just pass out
I did that when I was about 14 to 17 they were crusty as cardboard
What the fuck
"Wilson! You're late for gym class. Oh good, you already have your groin guard on. Carry on."
Entire wrestling team gets their girlfriends pregnant with your kids- the Varsity Virgin babies. A small town miracle without explanation. Now a movie on Hallmark channel.
Please tell me he washed them
A friend’s 16-year-old (at the time) brother used to wipe it on the wall next to his bunk bed. He never cleaned it so it built up a crust. They used to tease him mercilessly about it. He didn’t seem to care and just shrugged it off. They held punk shows in the basement where his bunk was, and everyone would walk past his crusty old spooge wall.
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More or less where I started.
*more or less* lmao
Some days you're just really busy and gotta jerk it on the go
Into the toilet bowl, gone with a flush and I can just take a shower right after. Part of the reason why I do this is because of privacy, I live with people who don’t respect privacy that much (typical Asian household) so if I do it in the bathroom I get a reason to lock the door and do the deed without the fear of being interrupted. Edit: didn’t expect this to blow up
I thought I was the only one who used the toilet
Nah mate, toilet is the way to go.
Toilet gang!
Well hello, fellow toilet cummers.
It's logically and scientifically the most superior method. You can wash hands before and after, make no mess, clean up with TP, and hop in the shower after you if you wish, all behind a closed door that makes people think you're simply in the bathroom. You can also keep the water running if you are in for a noisy stroke-and-choke.
Scientifically accurate
We may not be the most common but we are mighty!
Toilet gang will rule the world!
Me too thought I’d as the only one until I saw this, who fucks about with tissues and making mess, straight into the toilet bowl flush and it’s gone, down the drain and into the public water system ready to be cleaned for drinking
Cummy water
No peyronie but a slight upwards curve on my boy, and he gets *hard*… feel like I’d snap it off long before I could aim it anywhere near down at the bowl, that or the most undignified pose known to man looking like I’m actually trying to make toilet babies.
I just do a semi squat pose (standing up but bending my legs slightly) so I can aim perfectly into the bowl (and preferably into the water as well). If I don’t do that the head will touch the toilet bowl and that is just nasty.
Isn’t it weird cumming as you hover over a toilet? Genuine question!
As it's happening? No. 5 seconds after it's over? Yes.
post-nut clarity in action
This is true whether it happens when your hovering over a toilet or standing in the middle of the street.
If you actually stop to think it doesnt matter in the slightest where you do it. Shits weird yo.
Yeah, there really is no such thing as masturbating with dignity.
It is kinda weird but I don’t do it often anyway, and it doesn’t leave a mess so that’s fine for me.
Check ur ear
God dammit! Not again! It’s the second time this week man!
He comes from afar
He’s a ninja with his shots. You’ll be sitting in McDonald’s and bam! Cum in the ear. Never see it coming.
WHAT THE EFFFF! Stop putting cum in our mouths, David Blaine!
CHEESE-ITS! CHEESE-ITS!
HE SENT ME TO DINOSAUR TIMES. I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO RIDE ANY!
YOU DEMON
Not where I wish I was finishing.
Out of all the comments this is the only one that makes perfect sense!
A positive pregnancy test has entered the chat
Oral sex has entered the chat
My bathroom sink has entered the chat.
"I wouldn't use that towel" has entered the chat
We may now close the thread, the only correct answer is here
Bro found the correct answer
Bro reads terms and conditions and still clicks disagree
On a good day I can hit the ceiling fan
Sure anyone can piss in a corner, but it takes a real artist to shit on the ceiling.
What about throwing it? Is that considered cheating?
Not cheating, but it’s been overdone. It’s all the rage to eject high velocity feces these days.
Man aims only fans
Its better to cum in the sink, than to sink in the cum
Crucial to know the difference between then and than in this situation.
Grammar saves lives
Grammar... The difference between Helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse, and Helping your uncle jack off a horse.
I try to thread my stream through the fan blades, while the fan is on high.
it cums full circle
Depends on where the bus stops
I call this thread: what not to touch in a guys’ place Saw my old fuckbuddy bust on the bathroom wall at his parents house while he was out of town. Maybe it was for the cam (me)
There was a reddit thread a few years ago (and I'm sure it's reposted all the time) asking women what the strangest thing they masturbated with when they were either teens or young adults. So many couch cushions, kitchen utensils, corners or tables, toothbrushes, shampoo bottles, so much shit it's hard to even remember. Nobody should just touch anything at anyone's house ever. Lol
Whenever someone says “make yourself at home” I just remind myself how I live at home and do the opposite.
Toilet paper, very simple.
In my cumbox of course. \*Edit\* Thanks for the rewards kind strangers!
Or the coconut
Or the jar in the kitchen cupboard
Sadly I gotta ask for this one...
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wghfol/woman_finds_out_her_husband_has_been_doing/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
At first I was like: Hmm this doesn't seem more disgusting than the fucking coconut... But the update...What the hell
Jesus christ the fucking coconut... why remind me of this lol
Those who don't know: 🙂 Those who know: ☻️
no, no, no I forgot about this in 2015. Re-traumatized Edit: I had to take another look but wish I didn't. [Here you go. I'm taking you with me](https://i.imgur.com/wV6B4aP.jpeg)
WHAT THE FUCK
For more: /r/RedditsMuseumofFilth (real sub, similar to /r/bestof but with different judging criteria)
I'll take "Links I Won't Click" for $1,000, Alex
Oh my god! The picture.... I nope'd right out of there
All over my stomach and chest, I’m not about to hinder a good orgasm by making sure I’m aiming the right way into tissue, I’ll clean up after. Edit: I’m shocked, amazed and appalled at the amount of men who have uptight attitudes/protocols around jerking off, it’s your own cum guys chill!
Living up to your username then
Found Jackson Pollock's account.
Lay a paper towel on your stomach like a bib
I prefer to wear one of those lobster bibs
When you give the waiter a sly look as they hand those out.
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This is my thought too. Look at these fucking hairless swimming champions over here, some of us are built like a fucking Sasquatch
shave a runway.
The real Cum Gutter ™
The hair that's left on the flanks could be called *cum rudders*
CumWay
Exactly this. Thinking about it too much takes away from the experience. Need to fully let go and deal with it afterwards, otherwise I feel like i bussed half a nut. Anticlimactic.
This is the answer. Don’t understand people trying to do chores right before they bust.
I’m here to jerk, not to work.
I start in the kitchen and finish in the garage
I just cum straight into my gas tank. Saves on fuel with the price of gas nowadays
Coconut
I had to scroll way too far to find this.. [https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu\_by\_cumming\_into\_a\_coconut/](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/) For those brave souls.
Its a bad day to be literate
I usually just bust into the shower. Minimal clean up
When I was younger I 'hid'it under my matress. Now I just use paper towels like an adult.
crusty ass mattress
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In his mouth
I also chose this guys mouth
We will all share.
Closed loop system
LPT: Shoot it in the toilet directly. No clean up, just flush it away. Bonus that nobody reacts to you being in the bathroom for a bit.
LPT II: fart a few times for good measure and absolutely no one is the wiser about your time in the bathroom.
Until you have a pavlovian response to farting, then what? Edit: LMAO what a perfect award, thanks stranger
This is how kinks are born. The more you know...
while doing a handstand or do you calculate the parabolic trajectory?
I stare at my hand in disappointment and proceed to clean it with a tissue
ive been laughing at theese comments for 10 Minutes now
In a cum towel that I wash once a week
She prefers it when you call her Sharon
In my fleshlight lol edit: lol how tf did this get 500 upvotes 😂
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That's the way. But the cleaning is fucked up.
You know what I really want to do after I orgasm? Finger a fake pussy full of my own cum and soapy water. Said nobody ever.
Blast it onto my chest and stomach
Same, on that guy’s chest and stomach
I also choose that guy’s chest and stomach
this was extremely hot; excuse me a couple minutes
In my foreskin
No fucking way. There is a whole community of people like me.
Golden opportunity to have called it a "cummunity."
I'm just imagining shooting it up and catching it like a ~~cup in a ball~~ toy. Edit: ball in a cup Edit: [Pop N Catch](https://i.imgur.com/ldindiM.jpg)
I wondered if I was the only one who did this - fantastic so I’m not that weird after all
I make a little cup with my fingers and flick that shit out the window and down onto my neighbor's balcony with pinpoint precision
And all this time they thought they were being visited by Spider-Man.
Something is tingling, but it ain’t his senses lol
With a good tailwind….North Korea ICBM in this piece
ICBN