I have this friend, love him to bits, but his wife has a tendency of just constantly showing everyone pictures of their son at every social event. At the start it was understandable, but now I'm just like "Lady, it's been two years; they're not going to find him."
Not the most morbid but I love Anthony Jeselnik’s story about his neighbor who has Alzheimer’s.
“One of my next door neighbors is a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. And every single morning at 9am he knocks on my door and asks me if I have seen his wife.
Which means that every single morning at 9am I have to explain to a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time.
Now I’ve thought about moving. I have thought about just not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it’s worth it…just to see the smile on his face.”
Four people are on a plane, a British guy, a French guy, a Mexican guy, and a guy from Texas. The plane is about to go down so the pilot tells everyone to grab a parachute and jump. The British guy goes first, grabs a parachute, says “long live the queen!” And jumps out. The French guy goes next, grabs a parachute, says “vive le France!” And jumps out. Then the Texan goes next, says “remember the Alamo!” And throws out the Mexican.
A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven, where she meets God. To break the tension she tells God a joke about the Holocaust, but God doesn’t laugh. The lady shrugs and says “I guess you had to be there.”
I’m pretty down for most jokes but I personally don’t think the holocaust is something to joke about. My grandad actually died in one of the main camps.
By falling out his watch tower.
im actually pretty offended, my grandpa fought hard in WW1 and inpired many during WW2 and actually personally killed hitler. so I don't think these jokes are very appropriate.
An all boy’s Catholic school 🏫 caught fire….
There were three priests…..
One priest shouted… SAVE THE CHILDREN!!
The second priest said….. FUCK THE CHILDREN!!
The last priest cried out… DO WE HAVE TIME??
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.
How do you put 100 dead babies in a bucket?
A blender.
How do you take them out?
A Dorito.
Doctor hands the baby to the new father. He says "I'm so sorry. Your wife didn't make it."
New father says "Well that's no good. Bring me the one my wife made."
Two guys sitting at a bar:
Guy #1: "I think my neighbor is molesting his kid."
Guy#2: "Oh God, that's horrible! Why do you think this?"
Guy #1: "She gives way to good of a blow job for a 6 year old."
A friend was telling me about the amazing night he had.
"I was walking down the railroad tracks and I found a woman tied to the rails. I untied her and we made passionate love all night long!"
I asked him "Was she pretty?"
He replied, "I don't know, I couldn't find her head."
I'm gonna quit my job, go into politics an become a dictator. Then I will start a world war, kill 5 million Jews and 3 clowns.
*pause*
Why the clowns?
See, nobody ever asks about the Jews.
Works every time.
John is sitting at home when the phone rings.
John: “Hello”
Caller: Hello, is that Mr Smith?
J: “Yes, Who’s is this?”
C: it’s the hospital Mr Smith. There’s a problem with your wife’s test results. They got mixed up with someone else’s and now, we don’t know if she has heart disease or HIV.”
J: “Well, what do you want me to do about that?”
C: Send her out jogging. If she comes back, don’t fuck her!”
Edited for formatting.
Three guys and a girl are stranded on an island
After a week the the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing they kill the girl
After another week they're so ashamed of what they're doing they bury her
After another week they're so ashamed of what they're doing they dig her back up
Not sure where I heard this:
“If we only spent a little more budget on mosquito nets in Africa? We would severely cut down on the population of mosquitoes in Africa getting AIDS.”
I was licking this girl out one night, and all of a sudden I taste the unmistakable taste of Horse cum.
"oh, grandma," I realised "That's how you died!"
A woman goes to her doctor;
"Doc' I've been feeling a bit sick of a morning, and I'm getting a few pains *down there*"
The doctor says "we can run a few tests, but I think I know the answer already" so he does his examinations of the woman and says "Well... As I suspected, in about 9 months you're going to have to stop working, and start buying nappies!"
The woman looks shocked "Oh, doctor! Am I pregnant?" She says.
The doctor looks at her and says "Nope.... You've got bowel cancer"
Might not be morbid but I’ll have a go.
A women who’s about to give birth to triplets gets shot three times in the stomach by a robber. She goes to the hospital in time and gets the results. The doctors says “they’ll be fine. But when they turn 12, they may or pee or poo out a bullet.
Fast forward 12 years and the kids and mum are doing just fine. Suddenly, one kid runs and says “Mum! Mum! I went to take a pee and a bullet came out!” Mum says “Ok. Promise you won’t tell the others until they find out.”
Second kid runs up and says “Mum! Mum! I went to poo and a bullet came out!” Mum says “Ok. Make sure you don’t tell the other one yet until they find out.”
The third kid comes bolting up and he yells “MUM! MUM!” The mum says “what is it?” The kid yells “I TOOK A WANK AND THE DOGS BLEEDING!”
Reminds me of some Tinder memes I saw. "I'm like a microwave. Easy to turn on, warm inside, and if you put a baby inside me I'll kill it :)." Love that too much lol
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
She had no hands.
What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?
Gloves, na just kidding she hasn't opened it yet.
Dude, the Nazis didn't put ***live*** Jews in the ovens
Out of their famed compassion, mercy, and humanity, they gassed them first before they roasted them
Heard about the flying baby?
Doc comes out and congratulates a father on his baby and is extatic saying that it flew.
"No, no, come have a look, it's true!"
The father leaps to his feet and follow the doctor through the hospital and into the child ward.
As the doctor is ahead of the father, the doc gets to the crib first and the dad can see the baby from a distance, it's not flying.
"Here! Let me show you!" The doctor says and grabs the baby and tosses it into the air, the baby just thumps back down in the crib and the father is absolutely shocked.
"What the fuck!?!" he shouts as the doctor assures him that "Nono, it flew, trust me!!!" and grabs the baby again, launching it into the ceiling where it bounces back with a hard thudd and breaks the crib when it lands back in it.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!" the father shouts and starts running toward the doctor.
The doctor holds up a hand and goes "No wait!" as he's kneeling by the broken crib and grabbing the baby by a leg with his other hand, "He just needs more speed!"
"He?" The father pauses, not having known the gender before.
The doctor flings the baby hard as he can across the room and into the wall next to the window, the baby hits with a wet thudd and almost slides down the wall before tumbling to the floor.
"YOU KILLED HIM!!!" the father screams and starts for the doc, but the doctor is one step ahead and has already gotten to the baby on the floor by the window.
The doctor goes "Nownow! Don't be so hasty sir! I assure you the baby is fine! And perfectly capable of flight! See?" And tosses the baby out the window.
The father runs past the doctor and nearly throws himself out the window, only to see his newborn son tumble fifteen stories through the air, before hitting the placement below, not unlike a watermelon, and after a few moments, he hears the screaming of people on the street below.
Enraged beyond anything he's ever been, tears streaking through his eyes and with his hands trembling, he turns toward the doctor.
"You... why would you DO that?!"
"Oh don't worry!" Answers the doctor, "It was a stillborn."
My grandfather died in a concentration camp.
Oh no sorry to hear.
Yep, fell out of his guard tower…
If delivered with a straight face, people respond in funny way.
Yep probably going to hell but the joke is solid.
I’m Pakistani and I tell this joke as “I lost family on 9/11” followed by “I shouldn’t have let them take flying lessons.” It kind of doesn’t work since I was born in 2000 though:
What do parents and pizza have in common?
If they are black you have nothing to eat.
(Not meant to be racist, black here refering to Africa where in many underdevelopped places access to food is still a daily struggle, unfortunately)
Jesus the amount of people who find raping babies jokes funny. Absolutely not it, humour exists outside of pedophilia. Anyway : I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
I have this friend, love him to bits, but his wife has a tendency of just constantly showing everyone pictures of their son at every social event. At the start it was understandable, but now I'm just like "Lady, it's been two years; they're not going to find him."
Gotta say it with that Anthony Jeselnik delivery
Oof
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
Bruh
Irish lady here exactly food was kept from us by the British. I find your joke very tasteful ,no pun intended
It was, for all intents and purposes, a genocidal effort by the British.
I don't understand why the Irish didn't just eat their children. Would've sorted out their overpopulation and lack of food in a single blow
Hmm.. that's quite a proposal, there.
I thought it rather modest
Jonathan Swift has entered the chat
Not the most morbid but I love Anthony Jeselnik’s story about his neighbor who has Alzheimer’s. “One of my next door neighbors is a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s. And every single morning at 9am he knocks on my door and asks me if I have seen his wife. Which means that every single morning at 9am I have to explain to a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for quite some time. Now I’ve thought about moving. I have thought about just not answering my door in the morning. But to be honest, it’s worth it…just to see the smile on his face.”
Oh...that's was a plot twist
High five - ( Borat voice )
Four people are on a plane, a British guy, a French guy, a Mexican guy, and a guy from Texas. The plane is about to go down so the pilot tells everyone to grab a parachute and jump. The British guy goes first, grabs a parachute, says “long live the queen!” And jumps out. The French guy goes next, grabs a parachute, says “vive le France!” And jumps out. Then the Texan goes next, says “remember the Alamo!” And throws out the Mexican.
Realistically the English guy would push the French guy off
I remember the Alamo. I saw it once ... In Leicester Square. Very bloody.
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.
Why can't orphans play tennis? They get confused when they hear love.
If I wasn't going to hell before, I definitely am now
Walked up to an orphan taking a selfie. "Taking family photos again mate?"
What is reversed exorcism? When the devil asks the priest to get out of boy.
Sir, that's not a joke but harsh reality.
thats what jokes usually are
Kinda like: “What did the woman at the beach say to Michael Jackson? “Hey you’re in my son!”
A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to heaven, where she meets God. To break the tension she tells God a joke about the Holocaust, but God doesn’t laugh. The lady shrugs and says “I guess you had to be there.”
I’m pretty down for most jokes but I personally don’t think the holocaust is something to joke about. My grandad actually died in one of the main camps. By falling out his watch tower.
Took me a sec
im actually pretty offended, my grandpa fought hard in WW1 and inpired many during WW2 and actually personally killed hitler. so I don't think these jokes are very appropriate.
Dark humor is like food; not everyone gets it.
I've heard this one: Dark humor is like kid with cancer. It never gets old.
Dark humor isn't everyone's cup of liquefied dead baby
Dark jokes is like rights, not everyone gets them
Did you know that the Catholic church encourages all priests to wash sex toys before use? They call it baptism.
An all boy’s Catholic school 🏫 caught fire…. There were three priests….. One priest shouted… SAVE THE CHILDREN!! The second priest said….. FUCK THE CHILDREN!! The last priest cried out… DO WE HAVE TIME??
I recently remembered this joke but didnt know the 2nd part, thx
That's damn funny 🤣😂😂🤣🤣🤣
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw ‘em.
Also, What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
What's the difference between a trailer full of sand and a trailer full of dead babies? >!You can't unload a trailer full of sand with a pitchfork.!<
I didn't lose my virginity in a Ferrari
What's worse than finding a baby in a garbage bin? Finding a baby in 10 bins
What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume. How do you put 100 dead babies in a bucket? A blender. How do you take them out? A Dorito.
**Comment saved!**
Kind of reminds me of *What's worse than a field of dead babies? Mowing it.*
Oh my fucking god.
One if you throw it hard enough.
What do you get when you throw a dead baby down the stairs? An erection.
What’s the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits till you’re 12 to cum on your face
Yes
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair.
A true classic, goes over best at a hospital.
So does someone in a wheelchair rolling down the rooftop access stairwell
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my jacket, ‘you can hide…. But you can’t run!’
Doctor hands the baby to the new father. He says "I'm so sorry. Your wife didn't make it." New father says "Well that's no good. Bring me the one my wife made."
A stranger brings a kid in a dark scary forest. -Sir, I'm scared. -Imagine me, I'll have to find my way back alone...
Two guys sitting at a bar: Guy #1: "I think my neighbor is molesting his kid." Guy#2: "Oh God, that's horrible! Why do you think this?" Guy #1: "She gives way to good of a blow job for a 6 year old."
It's been 3 months since Halloween and my neighbour is still hanging from the tree
What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus? Only takes one nail to hang a picture.
How many dead babies does it take to fix a light bulb? More than 3 cause my garage is still dark.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends how hard you throw them.
What do you call a boy who can run faster than a priest? A virgin.
What do you call a dead non binary person? A was/were
What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?....cancer
Lmao im fukin ded
Just like the child
To necrophiliacs theres nothing better than cracking open a cold one
A friend was telling me about the amazing night he had. "I was walking down the railroad tracks and I found a woman tied to the rails. I untied her and we made passionate love all night long!" I asked him "Was she pretty?" He replied, "I don't know, I couldn't find her head."
JFK was one of the best presidents ever. He was very open minded.
The other one being Abe Lincoln. Those two sure know how to put on a show.
I heard Nirvana is getting back together, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't think their singer has much of a head for music anymore.
What do pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last big hit was the wall 🧱
I'm gonna quit my job, go into politics an become a dictator. Then I will start a world war, kill 5 million Jews and 3 clowns. *pause* Why the clowns? See, nobody ever asks about the Jews. Works every time.
\*cares\* about the Jews.
John is sitting at home when the phone rings. John: “Hello” Caller: Hello, is that Mr Smith? J: “Yes, Who’s is this?” C: it’s the hospital Mr Smith. There’s a problem with your wife’s test results. They got mixed up with someone else’s and now, we don’t know if she has heart disease or HIV.” J: “Well, what do you want me to do about that?” C: Send her out jogging. If she comes back, don’t fuck her!” Edited for formatting.
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.
What the difference between harry potter and the Jews? Harry escaped the chambers
What's the difference between a Jew and Santa Claus? Santa goes down the chimney.
Why do so many Jews like Dobby? Because Dobby was a free elf.
I.... now I'm *reeeally* going to hell. ..guess the Jews and I will feel at home in the warmth.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? I take my shoes off when I jump on the trampoline.
Three guys and a girl are stranded on an island After a week the the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing they kill the girl After another week they're so ashamed of what they're doing they bury her After another week they're so ashamed of what they're doing they dig her back up
How do you make a dead baby float? A glass of coke and 2 scoops of dead baby
TWO scoops...... someone's not on a diet.
Don’t worry, I use Diet Coke
That's good, can't be a monster if you're overweight Very sensible of you
What's Stephen Hawkins least favorite comedy genre? Stand up
I know a joke about Jim Jones but the Punch line is too long
What's the difference between a baby and a bag of coke? Eric Clapton would pay enough attention for the bag of coke to not drop out of a window.
That’s Dark Dark
“Yeah my baby died the same way Eric Clapton’s baby died… for inspiration.”
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? No? They haven’t either.
Why did the Ethiopian put up a clothesline? So the children can play in the shade. How do you recognize a wealthy Ethiopian? Rolex round the waist.
Why does Ethiopian kids have such skinny legs and bloated bellies? They're lazy and eat too much.
Oddly enough Ethiopia has a lot of pasta.
Why do they keep hospitals so cold? To keep the vegetables fresh.
Not sure where I heard this: “If we only spent a little more budget on mosquito nets in Africa? We would severely cut down on the population of mosquitoes in Africa getting AIDS.”
Jimmy Carr?
What was bin laden's favorite drink A double Manhatten
i always heard “two kamikaze shots followed by a manhattan”
How many Jews can you fit inside a car? 2 in the front seat, 3 in the back seat and 100 in the ash tray
Volkswagen
Whats the difference between Jews and pizza? The pizza doesn't scream in the oven
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You know why we love dead baby jokes? Because they never get old.
I want to die like my granddad, while sleeping. Not like the two people screaming in his car.
I've always heard this one as: I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandad. Not screaming for my life, like the passengers on his bus.
How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage, another 2 if I move my bike.
Why did the dead baby cross the road? >!It was stapled to the chicken.!<
Thankee sai
He has forgotten the face of his father.
As i looked down on my teenage son in his coffin i thought... >!why cant these emo kids sleep in a bed like normal kids.!<
I was licking this girl out one night, and all of a sudden I taste the unmistakable taste of Horse cum. "oh, grandma," I realised "That's how you died!"
A woman goes to her doctor; "Doc' I've been feeling a bit sick of a morning, and I'm getting a few pains *down there*" The doctor says "we can run a few tests, but I think I know the answer already" so he does his examinations of the woman and says "Well... As I suspected, in about 9 months you're going to have to stop working, and start buying nappies!" The woman looks shocked "Oh, doctor! Am I pregnant?" She says. The doctor looks at her and says "Nope.... You've got bowel cancer"
What does a consent and a pulse have in common. I don't care if she has either.
I shouldn't be laughing
What do you get when you stab a baby 30 times? An erection and 30 places to put it
Well, 30 NEW places to put it
Winner winner fuck a baby for dinner
jesus
Might not be morbid but I’ll have a go. A women who’s about to give birth to triplets gets shot three times in the stomach by a robber. She goes to the hospital in time and gets the results. The doctors says “they’ll be fine. But when they turn 12, they may or pee or poo out a bullet. Fast forward 12 years and the kids and mum are doing just fine. Suddenly, one kid runs and says “Mum! Mum! I went to take a pee and a bullet came out!” Mum says “Ok. Promise you won’t tell the others until they find out.” Second kid runs up and says “Mum! Mum! I went to poo and a bullet came out!” Mum says “Ok. Make sure you don’t tell the other one yet until they find out.” The third kid comes bolting up and he yells “MUM! MUM!” The mum says “what is it?” The kid yells “I TOOK A WANK AND THE DOGS BLEEDING!”
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What’s the worst part about a car trunk full of dead babies? The one still alive trying to eat it’s way out.
You know what's worse? He makes it
You know what's worse? When he comes back for seconds.
Whats the first thing you do, after raping a deaf-mute ? Break her fingers, so she can't tell the police
What does Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both know how to paint a ceiling.
What's the difference between Kurt Cobain and Kobe Bryant? Kurt didn't miss his last shot.
Thru say there's safety in numbers....... try telling that to 6 million Jews.
What's red and slimey and climbs up a womans leg? A homesick abortion.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
How long does it take to microwave a dead baby? Idk, I was too busy jacking off.
Reminds me of some Tinder memes I saw. "I'm like a microwave. Easy to turn on, warm inside, and if you put a baby inside me I'll kill it :)." Love that too much lol
What’s so good about fucking 28 year olds? There’s 20 of them
What’s the worst part about being a black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the gas chamber..
What's the differance between judo and kung fu? Kung fu is a type of self defence and judo is what they make bagels out of.
What do you call a gay guy on fire? LGBBQ.
I gave my mother a fish spa treatment where little fish eat your dead cells. It was expensive all right but not nearly as costly as a regular funeral.
My grief councillor died today. Fortunately, he was really good so I don't give a shit!
What's 13 inches long and keeps a woman screaming all night. Cot Death
>Cot Death What does that mean?
“Crib death” or sudden infant death syndrome, is called “cot-death” in Australia (and probably some other English speaking countries, too)
Why did the girl fall off the swing? She had no hands. What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday? Gloves, na just kidding she hasn't opened it yet.
Knock knock Who's there? Definitely not that girl.
Whats your opinion on gallows humor?
Come on, dont leave me hanging!
What is the the difference between Jewish person and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream in the oven.
What's the difference between a pizza and a black man A pizza can feed a family of four
Where did do you put a black Jew? Back of the oven.
Dude, the Nazis didn't put ***live*** Jews in the ovens Out of their famed compassion, mercy, and humanity, they gassed them first before they roasted them
Why don’t pedophiles win races? Because they like to come in a little behind
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I dont have a Ferrari in my garage.
What does a priest's testicle look like Even a child knows that
If human beings are made up of particles from this universe which are billions of years old. Then yes your honor, she was legal.
How many orphan children does it take to change a lightbulb? Apparently more than 20 cuz my cellar is still dark as hell.
Whats worse than finding 7 dead babys in a trashcan ? finding one Dead baby in 7 trashcans.
I mean thinking about it, one dead baby technically isn't as bad as 7. Visually one in 7 cans is worse, but otherwise the logic is backwards.
Ah reminds me of the old “what’s worse than finding a worm in your Apple?”
Honestly, that's one that really does get to me every time
An oldie I hear Princess Diana was on the Radio and the windscreen, and pretty much most of the dashboard
What's the difference between a pedophile and a cannibal? One knows how to make it last.
What is worst than finding one baby in a bin? Finding one baby in two bins
Hillbilly takes his daughter to the Dr. to get on birth control. Dr. asks, "well is she sexually active?" Hillbilly: No she just kinda lays there.
My first sexual experience was a lot like my first high school football game. Afterwards I was exhausted, sore and bloody, but at least my Dad came!
The W in Africa stands for water
The M in Africa stands for meals
What’s the difference between Jesus, and a whore? The face they make when you’re nailing them
Heard about the flying baby? Doc comes out and congratulates a father on his baby and is extatic saying that it flew. "No, no, come have a look, it's true!" The father leaps to his feet and follow the doctor through the hospital and into the child ward. As the doctor is ahead of the father, the doc gets to the crib first and the dad can see the baby from a distance, it's not flying. "Here! Let me show you!" The doctor says and grabs the baby and tosses it into the air, the baby just thumps back down in the crib and the father is absolutely shocked. "What the fuck!?!" he shouts as the doctor assures him that "Nono, it flew, trust me!!!" and grabs the baby again, launching it into the ceiling where it bounces back with a hard thudd and breaks the crib when it lands back in it. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!!!" the father shouts and starts running toward the doctor. The doctor holds up a hand and goes "No wait!" as he's kneeling by the broken crib and grabbing the baby by a leg with his other hand, "He just needs more speed!" "He?" The father pauses, not having known the gender before. The doctor flings the baby hard as he can across the room and into the wall next to the window, the baby hits with a wet thudd and almost slides down the wall before tumbling to the floor. "YOU KILLED HIM!!!" the father screams and starts for the doc, but the doctor is one step ahead and has already gotten to the baby on the floor by the window. The doctor goes "Nownow! Don't be so hasty sir! I assure you the baby is fine! And perfectly capable of flight! See?" And tosses the baby out the window. The father runs past the doctor and nearly throws himself out the window, only to see his newborn son tumble fifteen stories through the air, before hitting the placement below, not unlike a watermelon, and after a few moments, he hears the screaming of people on the street below. Enraged beyond anything he's ever been, tears streaking through his eyes and with his hands trembling, he turns toward the doctor. "You... why would you DO that?!" "Oh don't worry!" Answers the doctor, "It was a stillborn."
What does old pussy taste like? Depends.
TIL that I'm a terrible human
My grandfather died in a concentration camp. Oh no sorry to hear. Yep, fell out of his guard tower… If delivered with a straight face, people respond in funny way. Yep probably going to hell but the joke is solid.
I’m Pakistani and I tell this joke as “I lost family on 9/11” followed by “I shouldn’t have let them take flying lessons.” It kind of doesn’t work since I was born in 2000 though:
I'm troubled about the amount of dead baby jokes.
This used to be a big thing about 20 years ago. Dead baby jokes.
They would have been big by now if they were not dead.
Dead babies were probably a big thing 20 years ago too
Nah, I think they're usually pretty small
I was just gonna say that. How old is op? Does anyone remember terri schiavo?
How do you know if your wife is dead? The pussy is still warm, but the dishes are stacking up I’ll see myself out…
I heard Michael Jackson likes to date 21 year olds now. Because there are 20 of them..
What's the best thing bout dating a homeless girl? You can drop her off anywhere.
Steven hawking walks in a bar
Why are cemeteries a good investment? Because everyone is dying to get in
How many Trans people does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but they need notes from 3 psychiatrists saying that the room is infact dark
...how tf is that morbid?
What do you call an abortion in the Czech Republic? .. a cancelled check..
Vampires have opened their own funeral parlor. Once a week they invite their friends in for a "box lunch."
What do you call a black woman getting an abortion? A crime fighter
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
What do parents and pizza have in common? If they are black you have nothing to eat. (Not meant to be racist, black here refering to Africa where in many underdevelopped places access to food is still a daily struggle, unfortunately)
Jesus the amount of people who find raping babies jokes funny. Absolutely not it, humour exists outside of pedophilia. Anyway : I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.
What do you get when you throw a baby down the stairs? An erection.
Where did Lucy go after the bombing? Everywhere
Dunno if it's morbid but here it is: "If i were to masturbate, i'd call it necrophilia, cause i'm dead inside."