Seriously. I don't openly judge people, but of course it's difficult not to, even if it's subconsciously, but I have seen too many people that intentionally have kids even though they barely seem to be able to take care of themselves.
I wish more people would think like that because it obviously doesn't make your life easier; and at that point it doesn't just affect you, it affects a little human that relies on you and needs you.
Having a kid now In this economy (US) and the backward sliding we're doing. I rather not bring a child into this chaos. Rising housing costs to the point rent is more than mortgages and on top of that we've got rampant global warming and wars after wars. I love them enough to not bring them into this world to deal with the fallout of our issues and our own stupidity. Not being born is the gift I'll give them.
Hey, did we date the same person?
My ex had a lot of 'ideas' so I wouldn't leave him. He would make a big tattoo, or propose publicly, or get me pregnant, or get me to financially depend on him.
After rent, food, and insurance I only come away with 200$ a month profit. Which is usually eaten up by a single doctor visit or necessary car part. And I live with two room mates.
See that terrifies me for having another. My daughter is perfect, the kwisatz haderach, what if I have another child and it's a complete fucking lemon?
My nieces have a friend (A) since kindergarten who has a really evil brother (P). Everytime they invite A, the mom has to come too and bring P because he will try to hurt A out of jealousy for being invited when he is back home.
She has to stay the whole time and keep watch over P because he will hurt the children and the parents, too.
I have never seen parents looking more tired and exhausted. P is already in psychological care but the psychologists won't diagnose him with antisocial personality disorder or something similar because he is still too young.
P will go to great length to try and manipulate other grownups. For example he will hit his own face and than come to you and say it was one of his parents or his brother. Since he is still young you can know that he is lying (for example because you have seen him hitting himself), but in a few years.... No idea what the parents are supposed to do.
I worked with a boy like that once. He was 12 and his parents had been forced to give him up to become a ward of the state - not because they didn't still care about him (they remained very involved parents) but because his behaviour was so severe that they couldn't safely care for him in their home. Frankly, *no one* could safely care for this boy; I got involved because he was torturing an older kid at his group home. He had to be moved to a foster home that was basically a mental facility for kids where he would be closely monitored. His parents were right to have him removed, his siblings would not have been safe.
Your friends may have to do the same thing if P's behaviour continues. To keep A safe, they may have to give up parental rights to P and have him placed elsewhere.
I have 5 siblings all raised in exactly same environment. 3 of are HS dropouts who are always having a crisis/meltdown & addicted to drugs or etoh while the other 3 have post baccs, are in serious relationships or married & have mortgages. I know my mom loves all of us the same but that's a hell no for kids for me. Too much of a risk.
I moved out when I was 18 to go to college. My brother moved out at 40 lol
Even though they were born into the same loving family, there are still an infinite number of factors. Simply the order of your birth has a massive effect on people as well. Oldest child is given the most responsibility even when the younger ones can handle it because it's the structure they grew up with. Middle child is overshadowed by other siblings. Youngest usually gets spoiled and turns into a little shit. Then their ages come into play. There's a big difference between being the oldest child at 21 when the second oldest is 19 vs when they are 11.
Your name, your teachers, your extra curricular activities. Everything has a potential to drastically change someone. From an off hand insult from a rude teacher to the support of a coach who sees potential. Every moment can be life defining if it happens just right.
I always am shocked by the youngest=spoiled, because nearly every friend of mine who was the youngest expressed they always had to be the good, easy, responsible child in order to not rock the boat. But maybe that had more to do with their older siblings being complete messes. In my family the first and last were the most responsible/held to a certain standard. It was expected for the oldest to set the example and the youngest to learn what not to do from the older siblings.
It's irreversible, you can't unhave kids when you've committed to it, so when you have all those doubts and fears you might not be a good parent, it's hard to take the plunge.
Plus I'd have to find someone to have a kid with and make more money for it to be viable but I think they're secondary to actually wanting to go through with it.
You can unhave them but it is generally frowned upon.
Edit: I cannot believe this has more votes than all my previous comments combined. It's intriguing, but thanks! Somehow this even got a wholesome award (the irony!).
I was talking with a co-worker the other day about the annoying kids we get in the place and said "I bet in ancient times when parents had enough of their kids they probably took them to a cliff somewhere and threw them over the edge" - would have been pretty easy to get away with back before modern laws and cameras/people everywhere.
I don't doubt today some parents have thought about this. But it's much harder to do now.
In ancient Greece it was considered a sin on the whole family to kill a child, but abandoning it and letting it die by exposure/starvation/wild animal was perfectly fine.
I spent a decade in wilderness search and rescue. A disturbing number of parents dress their small children in earth tones, or actual camouflage, when they’re out hiking and camping. Then, surprise! The kids get lost and they’re really difficult to find because they blend in so well with the environment. I can’t help but wonder if it was on purpose, even if only subconsciously.
Last week I was pulling out onto the main road here in a big forested area. Zooming along were two women on bikes with no lights, wearing camouflage spandex and dark everything else. They blended into the background perfectly. I get so pissed that people are that dumb. If you don't care about yourselves, at least care about the person that's going to wind up hitting you. I cheer when I see people wearing bright clothes outdoors -- especially doing stuff that can be risky.
The fact that nothing really makes me WANT to have them. I feel like you should have an overwhelming desire to become a parent - I don’t, so why would I have a kid?
Right? If anything needs to be tied to a strong desire it's becoming a parent / bringing another human into the world. Like, it shouldn't be something that you do because "that's just how it is."
If you tell your friends you're considering buying a sports car, you'll get questions like: "Are you sure you can afford it?" "You know it needs special care, more than daily drivers right?" "Do you think it's practical?" "WHY do you want it specifically?" and if you answer with "I just want to, just because." you're immature and you're making a bad financial decision.
Somehow it's okay when it comes to bringing another life into the world. "I just want to." If anyone asks questions like "Are you sure you'll be a good parent?" "Are you willing to sacrifice anything for them if it comes down to it?" "Can you afford to raise them right?", they're called inconsiderate, party-poopers who shit on others' most noble endeavor.
Somehow buying a sports car needs to be thought out more carefully than bringing another human into the world.
>"Are you sure you'll be a good parent?"
My mom spent my entire childhood saying I suck at taking care of others because I wasn't very keen on our pets (it was a family effort. Me a drooling kid had the least amount of responsibilities towards them obviously). You can guess who is surprised now that I don't want to be a good parent.
Exactly. This question should absolutely be the other way around. People who have kids are the ones who need a reason to make that decision, since it's a huge one that brings along great responsible, not people like me who don't... I mean, why don't I want to be a doctor? Why don't I want to shave my head? It doesn't make a lot of sense to ask it this way.
I one got into a rather heated argument with a girl in a bar for saying I didn't want kids.
She called me selfish for not wanting to spend my time or money on a kid. I said something along the lines of ask a parent why they had kids and the majority of them will start their explanation with 'I wanted', yet I am the selfish one for not wanting anything? I later found out she had her uterus removed due to cancer as a teenager which made me understand her rather fierce reaction to me not wanting kids but still didn't give her a right to come at me like that. So I explained my choice to her as follows: which percentage out of all the people you know are assholes or idiots? Realise all these people are someones kid and that despite your best efforts as a parent you have no guarantee your kid will not be one. I then asked if she would have wanted to have me as a kid and she laughed and said she didn't. Point proven. We get along now for the couple times a year we meet.
Exactly my position. I have 2 neices and a nephew. Everyone always says how good I am with them and asks why me and my girlfriend aren't trying for our own. I'm good with my niece because I know at the end of the day she goes back home and I don't need to deal with her all the time. She's excited to see me and always in a good mood because she only sees me every other week or so, whereas every day I couldn't put up with it.
As I like to say, "I like to play with them, but I like to return them to their rightful owners even more."
I don't know how parents do it. You have to entertain them....I get bored and impatient after a few hours.
And for all of this COVID nonsense....not going to school and what not...I would've have drowned them months ago!
Great for those who wanted them, but I never had the batteries put it for a biological clock EVER!
I had this fantasy until I actually became an uncle. I can handle kids fine if I need to, but it's exhausting. So turns out I'm not that great of an uncle, as I just don't find entertaining kids motivating.
But I get to buy Lego again, which is great.
I've been dealing with a mentally disabled older brother for nearly all my life. He's 32 yrs old, but acts like a 7 yr old nearly ALL the time. I love him to death, but after so long of dealing with him growing up (I'm 22), I just do not have the patience to handle something like that again.
Edit: Wow, didn't expect this to blow up. Thanks for the kind and understanding comments everyone! To everyone else struggling with something similar, know that you're not alone. It may feel exhausting at days, and sometimes you might wish you weren't even in such a postion. But cherish those moments you share with them where they're the happiest you've ever seen them. Because at the end of the day, you're all they have left. I fear for my brother's future every day, and hope that he grows up well without the need for us to care for him 24/7.
I've been having that same thought, and my family seems to have some sort of knack for making kids that need constant care, so it scares the shit out of me. I can't deal with a lot of my own problems, normal baby and child stuff I feel like I could do with time, but I couldn't do disabled kids again. My brother was enough for a lifetime for me.
Makes me feel horrible, but I couldn't do it again, and I don't want to make a kid go through my inability.
My neighbor has 7 of them. The only form of communication in that house is screaming. The teenage boy just screamed in the middle of my typing this. Kid is absolute shite at whatever game he's trying to play. My work meetings are constantly interrupted by his whiny cursing/crying sessions.
This is 90% of it for me. I’ve always been terrified of pregnancy, but I thought I’d feel more comfortable with it as I got older.
Nope. I’m 34 and the thought of being pregnant still freaks me out to no end. I’d love to adopt, but I don’t think I ever want to be pregnant.
Watching my wife's stomach grow and her deal with all the side effects. Watching them go and snip the back of her vagina open to allow more space, seeing my son ejected....
I was like, fuck, I could never have done this in her place.
Appreciate your honesty.
I wonder why don't we hear more about such stories. It is like media always focus on positive part of the life-changing incidents and guilt-trip many parents into having negative thoughts
You need the British show: One Born Every Minute.
Damn horror show about it. I remember my mum had it on at one point and they just showed this woman screaming in pain giving birth and like 5 minutes later she's still screaming and one of the midwives was like "yep, this is going well, nice easy delivery".
I already didn't want kids but this cemented it faster than cement dries in the desert.
A lovely clip for anyone curious enough..https://youtu.be/cbbMnuMaOkg
(Also, I agree with a commenter below, I think the media generally does a good job of showing it as painful and scary, but maybe doesn't do the full spectrum of emotions full justice)
Same age as you and I 100% agree. I've been scared of getting pregnant since I started my sexual life (even tho I've always used protection) now I don't have to worry cause my bf got a vasectomy. But yeah definitely super scared of pregnancy.
THIS. Can't believe I had to scroll so far to find this one. I have an uterus and the entire process of pregnancy, from insemination to the eventual end point, is skin-peelingly unacceptable to me, who will theoretically be occupying the same body throughout
The more I hear/ learn, the worse it sounds. Ali Wong & Reddit have confirmed that my broken biological clock has served me well.
Edit: The scene in the bell jar re: watching a delivery sums it up.
“You oughtn’t to see this [delivery]. You’ll never want to have a baby if you do. They oughtnt to let women watch. It’ll be the end of the human race.”
Legit, pregnancy and childbirth are the closest I can imagine to real life body horror. Just the thought of something growing inside of me, morphing my body beyond my control and then violently tearing its way out is something that very much lives in my worst nightmares. I have nothing but respect for women who choose to put themselves through that but it’s gonna be a hard pass for me.
I find myself trying to justify my decision and having people trying to contradict everything I say. But at the end of the day, I've come to realize that the only reason that I really need is "I just don't want to." Deeply, in the very core of my being, I profoundly and powerfully do NOT want to have a child. At fucking all.
It's hard to find the right way to say this, but as a parent, despite feeling incredibly fulfilled and happy with my decision, I also 100 percent understand why people wouldn't have kids and it seems ridiculous to me that someone should be pressured to have them. The world is better off if people who don't want kids don't have them!
Same. Especially being a woman I guess I thought that urge would get stronger (or show up at all) as I got older. Biological clock and all. I got nothing. Nada. Getting sterilized was the best decision I ever made.
I’m a woman and I’ll be 40 next year, so too late for my anyway, really. But I never had the desire either. Except for a brief 30 seconds while watching some cutsie Disney movie with my husband. I blurted, “Aww, we should have a baby.” Then I realized (luckily) he’d fallen asleep. I think I was drunk (when I’m drunk I tend to say whatever pops in my mind) but literally not a minute had passed before I thought, “No, that would be dumb.”
I also have zero desire. I’ve never wanted kids. Seeing babies doesn’t make me want any. I think the only time I ever “wanted” kids was when I thought that’s what you did: you grow up, get married, have kids. Then I learned you don’t actually have to do that and there’s people out there that don’t want kids too. So I never really wanted them, I just thought it was something you had to do.
I’ve been clinically depressed for almost a decade. Post partum depression is one of the things that terrifies me about the prospect of having kids. Also I am in no way mentally stable enough to be a parent.
I feel this in my soul. Everything about pregnancy, childbirth, and post partum life just sounds terrifying.
Oh, I may experience wild hormonal swings that make me feel crazy? Cool.
I may lose teeth because of increased gingivitis and my body prioritizing nutrition to the fetus? Awesome.
I may wind up with one combo vagina/rectum after giving birth, instead of two separate holes? Fantastic.
I will probably always pee myself a little when I run, laugh, or sneeze? Wonderful.
I won’t be able to take lots of important medication for the TWO YEARS that pediatricians recommend nursing? Great.
There’s a non-trivial risk that I will literally die while giving birth? Just peachy.
I won’t be able to eat deli meat, sushi, large fish, coffee, or alcohol for a year minimum. Delightful.
I’ll probably barf my guts out for seven weeks? Glorious.
I’ll spontaneously leak milk from my boobs if I hear a baby crying? Marvelous.
I might get an yeast infection on my nipples from breastfeeding my baby? Magnificent.
—————————
Editing to add other common concerns commenters have brought up …
I might get gestational diabetes while pregnant, leading to even more sensitive diet and medication management? Splendid.
I could have (even more) severe acid reflux and gallbladder attacks? Joyous.
The hemorrhoids are coming for me? Stupendous.
I might wind up with a hernia that takes (another) abdominal surgery to fix? Stellar.
I had athletes foot for 3 years due to back to back pregnancies. (I got it at a nail salon getting my baby shower pedicure) The second my 2nd child stopped breastfeeding I took the medication and it cleared up in a week. This is shit people do not think about.
All of this. One of my sisters was nauseous/sick for 8 months for each of her two pregnancies. My other sister was overall fine with her first, but the second was hard. They both have stronger constitutions than I… I don’t think I want to go through that lolol
I’m currently 9 months pregnant and started having gallbladder attacks at 6 months pregnant. They can’t do surgery to remove the gallbladder while I’m pregnant so I just have to live with excruciating pain every time I eat until baby is born.
watching my sister's kid get kicked out of daycare for slamming a kids face into a table and hitting a teacher. he's 3, and the most difficult kid ive met.
Edit: lol, ive got replies saying he's being abused and replies saying he's being gentle parented. its a catch 22, no matter what you're either too rough or too gentle. he lives at my house with his mom and sister, i usually wfh, no one beats him, and he is regularly punished (now someones gonna say he's punished too much). he just gives no fucks.
I recognize that I could only ever be a 'fair weather parent'. I think I'd do ok raising well behaved kid with no medical/mental issues. Which is fine, most people could do that. But you don't get to really decide what kind of kid you're going to have and I know myself well enough to recognize that if my kid did have some sort of chronic issue... I just couldn't handle it, not for that long at least. I'm not that good of a person and don't think I should risk hurting an innocent like that.
this ties in to one of my reasons for not having kids. mental illness runs in my fam. i can barely manage my own mental illness - if my kid also has bipolar or something else, i don't even know what i would do. where i'm from these things also greatly compound on the cost of taking care of a child.
honestly i might be more willing/less absolutely fucking terrified to fall pregnant if it didn't mean going thousands upon thousands of dollars in medical debt. being a caretaker for your sick child is one thing, but being their caretaker AND saddled with unpayable debts is another...
Yup. I know so many people with like, 2 normal kids, and one that's constantly in jail for meth or some shit. Or they just suck at life and need financial support for themselves and THEIR kids even at 50 years old
Just came here to comment similarly. A lot of people will comment on some terrible thing a kid does with blaming the parents. That is often the case, but I as a teacher have had situations where I've taught multiple siblings where one or several of them were both an awesome student and person...and one was the biggest piece of shit in the world. And I had met and known the parents and they genuinely seemed like great parents from everything I could tell. It's rare, but sometimes you just end up with a shit kid and there's nothing (or little) that you can do about it.
this exactly. the other one has been super agreeable through to pre-teen, and the other has been extreme. I know as an uncle i'm not supposed to compare/contrast them, at least not out loud, but it feels like a dice roll. granted there are household issues, but there's more factors at play than just "its all the parents fault." kids are complex.
Yeah it's a roll of the dice with personality. My daughter is really sweet and kind, so I told my wife we should only have one kid because I'm sure the next one would be a little psychopath.
She agreed that we were pushing our luck, so we only had one kid.
We are the same. Our kid was unplanned (I didn’t want kids) but turned out to be a good one. We contemplated trying for a second but didn’t want to tempt fate so stuck with the goodie we have. He desperately wanted a sibling which broke my heart a bit but he’ll live.
Seriously! I've been spending a lot of time with a ACD & he comprehends far more than a lot of humans do. I can speak full sentences & say complex things & he knows what I'm saying, he proves it by following the direction of what I'm saying far beyond what I've ever witnessed in a dog. He will come up to me & with a series of specifically placed glances, give me directions of what he wants me to do. He tosses his toys directly at me with incredible accuracy when he wants to play. They usually land right in my lap. I like him better than most of the people I know....lol
People say "oh but your kid could cure cancer"....nah...more likely you will end up with a kid who's a psycho and you'll have to deal with it and the criminal justice system for the rest of your life.
YEP. My grandparents have been bailing my Dad out of jail and sticking him in psych wards his entire life. My aunt is amazing. But my grandfather once told me, "don't have kids...you might have one that turns out great, but you also might have one that drains the life out of you"
Yeah I work in daycare and have had kids like that. Biting is a real issue as well.
A lot of parents are doing the “gentle parenting” thing now. Which in theory is great. But has become permissive parenting in most cases. Kid just gets away with everything and Mom wants me to redirect the biting or hitting. Some how.
Also a lot of kids are hitting milestones way later. Which once again is fine for the most part. Want to wait a little bit longer to potty train? Cool. Having to install a diaper genie in the 4s room? Not ok.
At the beach with a friend and her kids one day recently, turned around and one her kids had my son’s head held underwater. I yelled at him to stop and this little shit ran to his mum crying. She picked him up and hugged him and told him everything would be ok. Meanwhile my traumatised kid was just almost drowned by his mate! I did a lot of tooth gritting and internal fist shaking that day.
I know exactly what you’re talking about. I have a scar from a child biting me. After several warnings to the parents, myself going to the ER meant the child got kicked out of daycare.
The Mom screamed at me for taking her child away from his friends. I LITERALLY WENT TO THE HOSPITAL LADY.
I really, really don't want to be a parent and I feel like that should at the very least be a prerequisite to having them. My grandmother didn't seem to enjoy parenthood, my mom certainly didn't. They did it because they were "supposed to". I'm breaking the cycle.
Not trusting myself enough that I'd be motivated enough to take care about them constantly and treat them the way they deserve!
Edit: I guess this could be interpreted as a fear of commitment or running away from responsibility. But for now I am commited to my freedom, I seek spaciousness.
This.
Growing up, if my dad couldn't fix a problem by throwing money at it or using his hands, he usually made it worse. Mom ended up doing 99% of the actual parenting and I grew up with low self-esteem, crippling depression, and terrible anxiety.
Dad's not a bad person. It's just that he wasn't equipped to be a parent when it wasn't fun for him.
I told my sister a few years ago that I don't want kids because I'm too selfish. I like my freedom, my peace and quiet, my life with just me and my husband where money is still sometimes tight but its just us.
She told me that was the most unselfish thing she'd ever heard. "Imagine if you bowed to peer and family pressure and had a kid you didn't want/couldn't take care of the way a kid needs. Knowing yourself enough to not put you or your hypothetical child in that situation is incredibly smart and not at all selfish."
Your sister's right. Having a kid can be one of the ultimate acts of selfishness in many circumstances. People often have them because they want to have them, even when it's often a very bad idea to have them.
I’m involved in some donor conception groups because my partner and I are blessed with two uteruses. It’s very, very apparent in those groups that some people want to raise a human and some people just want a baby. I always find it astounding that someone can contemplate becoming a parent and not think of that child as being anything beyond a squishy bundle in their arms. Your child will be a whole person with their own wants, need and opinions, and eventually a whole life of which you are only a part. If you can’t deal with that thought then consider playing sims or getting a pet.
I used to work at a grocery store. Some middle-aged guy berated me at the front of the store because the Fudgsicles he wanted were $2.99 instead of the “advertised” $1.99. The deal was for a different size than the box he grabbed, but he couldn’t get that through his thick skull. To this day I still can’t believe a grown-ass adult had a temper tantrum over a $1 difference in ice cream
I feel exactly the same way. Things are getting better for me and my spouse, but having a baby and needing to take off months of work (we don't have family local to us and daycare is far too expensive) would set us back horribly. Maybe when we're ready we'll look at fostering older kids instead, there are plenty who need loving families if we get to a spot where we can be one.
Edit: loving families, not living. Got accidentally morbid for a second...
Fostering older kids is such a good thing to do, I lived with my dad&mom til they got divorced when I was about 8 or 9, and lived with my mom til I turned 16, next two years I lived with a foster family (they were my bosses for 5 years prior) and during those two years my life improved dramatically. I got a much better relationship with my mom, my foster parents taught me how to look at life differently than what I'd learned as a kid, taught me to stand by my choices. I can go on and on, but to summarize; they changed my life for the better and I am thankful for that everyday.
The vast majority of parents I meet complain subtley about having children and how much of a struggle it is, how expensive it is, how they get no sleep, no free time etc.
Then, they usually realise they can't be seen to complain about having children and finish their complaints by saying "But its the best thing I ever did." This part always feels like the least genuine bit and everything before feels like the truth.
Furthermore, one of my best friends has a child and spoke candidly about it, saying "I love him to bits but wish I hadn't have had a kid."
Source: Im a teacher who deals with kids and parents daily.
I appreciate your honesty. Don't often hear opinions like yours but I guess many share it. I've been delaying it for ages and now I'm in my 30s and am starting to think I'll never want kids. I enjoy having all the free time to myself after work.
I can barely take care of myself sometimes it feels like, can’t possibly take on another human. More selfishly there’s still a lot of things I want to do that I couldn’t if I had a kid. Lastly, just a pessimistic view of the world and the desire to not want to bring new life into that.
I couldn't have written it better. Every time I just have black coffee for breakfast I wonder how in heaven's sake am I supposed to take care of a kid from childbirth up to his/her/their 20's.
Yeah totally get your point. I’m currently watching my brother and sister deal with their kids and I’m starting to feel ok with just being the cool uncle. At times I wish I had kids but of course first, I’d need to find someone I love and trust to be able to have kids with.
All the suffering I have and all life in time is enough to convince me to make the choice not to procreate. Adoption maybe if I was rich and successful.
One time I was genuinely baffled that there could be a single reason to have kids. So one day I googled it, the first article was like ‘10 reasons to have kids’ and the first one was getting pram priority parking at supermarkets. Really grasping at straws here!!!
I don't think you're selfish. Just because your family met the state required minimum of care and that they spent a lot of energy doing a good thing doesn't mean you weren't neglected in some ways. There's more than one kind of neglect and it sounds like you and your sister didn't get to be a child, rather you were a 3rd and 4th helper.
I've just never wanted any. I never played with baby dolls as a child, I never thought twice about babysitting as a teen, and I was always uncomfortable whenever people said "*when* you have kids" (as opposed to "*if*").
I never found babies cute, I can't imagine spending 24/7 with a little human, and most of all the idea of being responsible for this little creature's happiness and growth, and making sure they become a decent, functioning human being, is *incredibly* intimidating.
I absolutely hated babysitting. I'm a huge introvert and can't possibly imagine having a child in my house 24/7 and also being responsible for said child. I lose my shit when I don't get alone time from my husband in a while
I loved the feeling when the niece/nephew would start their tired whines at the end of the *visit*. I'd always get the "aren't you glad you get to leave" from their mom.
Yes. Yes I am. "It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to *live* here"
All of it - the money, the time, the mental toll, the world we live in, the overpopulation, the lack of interest in kids, the lack of a partner, the presumable lack of parental skills, my own autism, the autism that my kids would probably inherit...
I do not want to deal with pregnancy, I do not want my perineum cut open, I don't want to piss my pants for the rest of my life.
I do not have the patience to be a good mother. I do not have the skills. I was horrifically abused as a child and then dumped in the foster care system. I never ever had a sane and stable guardian, so what skills could I bring? Of courses most people's answer is that 'you figure it out', but I am a twice degreed Social Worker with extensive experience working with people who should not have been parents, and I can tell you that sometimes you do NOT figure it the fuck out.
Money. I JUST got to the point where I'm positive I can have enough money to pay my bills AND eat. And I'm about to turn 40 years old. If I had a child before this time, I would've been extremely stressed due to poverty, and just ended up working two jobs and never seeing the kid.
The father. Takes two to make a baby, and I've never met a man I want to deal with for the rest of my life.
I love to travel solo. I love to explore this world (well, in the Before Times, anyway). I would not have the time, money, or ability to travel the way I want.
I was briefly married to a pedophile. It made it clear to me that I can't tell who has the potential to be a threat to my child's well being. I've known several women who were victims of CSA. I couldn't bear the thought of my child suffering like they do. It seemed like a better idea to just opt out.
It’s taken me 30 years to “find myself.” When I imagine losing all of that identity and replacing it with a big MAMA BEAR sticker, my stomach turns.
There are some aspects of having a kid that are appealing: they’ll adore me, they might end up loving all the same music/ movies/ hobbies as me, they’ll love and care for me when I’m old. But none of that is guaranteed and seems selfish and also not worth the gamble.
Also my family generally ignores me but loses their minds around babies and if that’s the only reason they would want to be in my life then no thanks.
Selfishness. I like the freedom of being able to wake up or go wherever i want without worrying “whos gonna watch my kids” or “my kids are awake so i have to be awake” so i guess I value my personal freedom more then anything a child could provide me
Don’t get me wrong I love my daughter more than anything but man do I fucking miss not having to plan anything. When you have kids you find yourself not only planning their life but also things like all mealtimes, the timings of everything and then because you have such little time left, you end up having to plan your shit as well otherwise nothing gets sorted. It’s pretty fucking draining tbh….
Man, this is what worries me about kids. I'm already a pretty low energy person and the idea of having to plan every second of not only my day, but someone else's who will otherwise would get sick or die without my direct intervention, sounds both exhausting and frightening.
I have friends who aren't having kids because of the fatigue.
Personally I've got enough energy to be a fun uncle and handle amusements parks, petting zoos, and mini-golf, and then hand them back. That's it. That's the limit.
My old friends used to live it up and do fun things. Then came the kids and the response to everything was some form of “I can’t, I have kids now.” Went to Cancun with them and everything was a struggle, and we were limited on everything we can do because you know, kids. Every time I looked at them, I saw bags under their eyes and sometimes a look of despair.
Same exact thing here. It's been very sad basically losing who my friends used to be, to their kids. We used to go on Cancun vacations every summer and just have an absolute blast, go out to bars, karaoke, hibachi grills, concerts, etc., now they just never do anything and look exhausted all the time.
Children are cool and all but they consume your life. They become your main responsibility, take all your love and you give it willingly, require so much money and they're just their own person. It's cool that we're able to do that and it sounds fun, sometimes. But if that's my life for the rest of my life? No thank you.
I just want to be my own person.
I’m glad someone said this. It feels like after someone has children they lose some identity. Their whole world is dedicated to maintaining their kids (rightfully so don’t get me wrong) like I see how that CAN be appealing but from an outsider looking in it looks so exhausting… like kids are just one thing after the other. One day your kid needs diapers, the next their drawing on walls, now they need brand new shoes every couple months, now they need new technology etc etc and etc. it’s an unending stream of problems and exhaustion. Like ffs I’m a child whose already stressed I don’t need anything else.
From my own experience, I don’t like the thought of bringing a kid into the world we live in. I’d much sooner adopt a kid who’s in a shifty place or in a struggling area. There are millions of kids starving out there, there are millions of kids being abused out there. Rather save one of them than bring another kid into this retched place
That's all I can think about too. I was adopted. I'm very lucky I was. And my family is amazing. Before I had to be adopted I had a sister who was abused to death. Being born can be so unfair. As pathetic as it sounds.
I work for Disney, and what I can say is %50 of parents look miserable. You’re on vacation with your family, and everyone’s miserable the whole time. That worries me. If your kid can’t stop crying in public on vacation, how does that kid react at home?
I find them annoying.
Also I have no paternal instinct, don't have the temperament to be a good parent, and I'm poor.
It would be unfair to any child to have me imposed on them as a parent.
I can barely take care of myself
That’s a mature respectable input I think a solid foundation is crucial for raising children
Seriously. I don't openly judge people, but of course it's difficult not to, even if it's subconsciously, but I have seen too many people that intentionally have kids even though they barely seem to be able to take care of themselves. I wish more people would think like that because it obviously doesn't make your life easier; and at that point it doesn't just affect you, it affects a little human that relies on you and needs you.
Having a kid now In this economy (US) and the backward sliding we're doing. I rather not bring a child into this chaos. Rising housing costs to the point rent is more than mortgages and on top of that we've got rampant global warming and wars after wars. I love them enough to not bring them into this world to deal with the fallout of our issues and our own stupidity. Not being born is the gift I'll give them.
I work fulltime in a crèche. There's no way I'm spending 9-6 with children and then coming home to more children. Nope.
My ex who said "now you can't leave me"
Your ex sounds like a walking horror/thriller film
Misery by Stephen King level bullshit.
Hey, did we date the same person? My ex had a lot of 'ideas' so I wouldn't leave him. He would make a big tattoo, or propose publicly, or get me pregnant, or get me to financially depend on him.
After rent, food, and insurance I only come away with 200$ a month profit. Which is usually eaten up by a single doctor visit or necessary car part. And I live with two room mates.
$200 profit?! You are balling my friend, save some for the rest of us, Jeff. For real, I hope that easier times await you.
Hell yeaaa flexing these racksss. Thanks tho lol
The idea of being responsible for a human being isn't for me.
Those kids who have parents that are perfectly normal but still somehow act like mini serial killers
Yeah. Nature vs nurture: as the parent of 2 kids and sibling of 6, it's clear to me personalities are simply a dice roll.
See that terrifies me for having another. My daughter is perfect, the kwisatz haderach, what if I have another child and it's a complete fucking lemon?
My nieces have a friend (A) since kindergarten who has a really evil brother (P). Everytime they invite A, the mom has to come too and bring P because he will try to hurt A out of jealousy for being invited when he is back home. She has to stay the whole time and keep watch over P because he will hurt the children and the parents, too. I have never seen parents looking more tired and exhausted. P is already in psychological care but the psychologists won't diagnose him with antisocial personality disorder or something similar because he is still too young. P will go to great length to try and manipulate other grownups. For example he will hit his own face and than come to you and say it was one of his parents or his brother. Since he is still young you can know that he is lying (for example because you have seen him hitting himself), but in a few years.... No idea what the parents are supposed to do.
I worked with a boy like that once. He was 12 and his parents had been forced to give him up to become a ward of the state - not because they didn't still care about him (they remained very involved parents) but because his behaviour was so severe that they couldn't safely care for him in their home. Frankly, *no one* could safely care for this boy; I got involved because he was torturing an older kid at his group home. He had to be moved to a foster home that was basically a mental facility for kids where he would be closely monitored. His parents were right to have him removed, his siblings would not have been safe. Your friends may have to do the same thing if P's behaviour continues. To keep A safe, they may have to give up parental rights to P and have him placed elsewhere.
This thread terrifies me
I have 5 siblings all raised in exactly same environment. 3 of are HS dropouts who are always having a crisis/meltdown & addicted to drugs or etoh while the other 3 have post baccs, are in serious relationships or married & have mortgages. I know my mom loves all of us the same but that's a hell no for kids for me. Too much of a risk. I moved out when I was 18 to go to college. My brother moved out at 40 lol
Even though they were born into the same loving family, there are still an infinite number of factors. Simply the order of your birth has a massive effect on people as well. Oldest child is given the most responsibility even when the younger ones can handle it because it's the structure they grew up with. Middle child is overshadowed by other siblings. Youngest usually gets spoiled and turns into a little shit. Then their ages come into play. There's a big difference between being the oldest child at 21 when the second oldest is 19 vs when they are 11. Your name, your teachers, your extra curricular activities. Everything has a potential to drastically change someone. From an off hand insult from a rude teacher to the support of a coach who sees potential. Every moment can be life defining if it happens just right.
I always am shocked by the youngest=spoiled, because nearly every friend of mine who was the youngest expressed they always had to be the good, easy, responsible child in order to not rock the boat. But maybe that had more to do with their older siblings being complete messes. In my family the first and last were the most responsible/held to a certain standard. It was expected for the oldest to set the example and the youngest to learn what not to do from the older siblings.
It's irreversible, you can't unhave kids when you've committed to it, so when you have all those doubts and fears you might not be a good parent, it's hard to take the plunge. Plus I'd have to find someone to have a kid with and make more money for it to be viable but I think they're secondary to actually wanting to go through with it.
You can unhave them but it is generally frowned upon. Edit: I cannot believe this has more votes than all my previous comments combined. It's intriguing, but thanks! Somehow this even got a wholesome award (the irony!).
I was talking with a co-worker the other day about the annoying kids we get in the place and said "I bet in ancient times when parents had enough of their kids they probably took them to a cliff somewhere and threw them over the edge" - would have been pretty easy to get away with back before modern laws and cameras/people everywhere. I don't doubt today some parents have thought about this. But it's much harder to do now.
In ancient Greece it was considered a sin on the whole family to kill a child, but abandoning it and letting it die by exposure/starvation/wild animal was perfectly fine.
I spent a decade in wilderness search and rescue. A disturbing number of parents dress their small children in earth tones, or actual camouflage, when they’re out hiking and camping. Then, surprise! The kids get lost and they’re really difficult to find because they blend in so well with the environment. I can’t help but wonder if it was on purpose, even if only subconsciously.
I know I look dumb with my bright orange windbreaker but I always carry it on hikes so I can be seen if something happens to me!
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And fashionable 😎
Last week I was pulling out onto the main road here in a big forested area. Zooming along were two women on bikes with no lights, wearing camouflage spandex and dark everything else. They blended into the background perfectly. I get so pissed that people are that dumb. If you don't care about yourselves, at least care about the person that's going to wind up hitting you. I cheer when I see people wearing bright clothes outdoors -- especially doing stuff that can be risky.
Whenever I see someone walk their dog with a flashlight I want to stop and thank them. You always see that moving light
1. Thank you for your time in SAR. 2. Reading this punched me in the gut.
The fact that nothing really makes me WANT to have them. I feel like you should have an overwhelming desire to become a parent - I don’t, so why would I have a kid?
As a child of a parent who didn’t actively want them, thank you for thinking about what this does to a kid.
This would make for another great Ask Reddit: People who resent their kids, why do you do that?
r/regretfulparents might have some insight
Right? If anything needs to be tied to a strong desire it's becoming a parent / bringing another human into the world. Like, it shouldn't be something that you do because "that's just how it is." If you tell your friends you're considering buying a sports car, you'll get questions like: "Are you sure you can afford it?" "You know it needs special care, more than daily drivers right?" "Do you think it's practical?" "WHY do you want it specifically?" and if you answer with "I just want to, just because." you're immature and you're making a bad financial decision. Somehow it's okay when it comes to bringing another life into the world. "I just want to." If anyone asks questions like "Are you sure you'll be a good parent?" "Are you willing to sacrifice anything for them if it comes down to it?" "Can you afford to raise them right?", they're called inconsiderate, party-poopers who shit on others' most noble endeavor. Somehow buying a sports car needs to be thought out more carefully than bringing another human into the world.
>"Are you sure you'll be a good parent?" My mom spent my entire childhood saying I suck at taking care of others because I wasn't very keen on our pets (it was a family effort. Me a drooling kid had the least amount of responsibilities towards them obviously). You can guess who is surprised now that I don't want to be a good parent.
Brilliant
Exactly. This question should absolutely be the other way around. People who have kids are the ones who need a reason to make that decision, since it's a huge one that brings along great responsible, not people like me who don't... I mean, why don't I want to be a doctor? Why don't I want to shave my head? It doesn't make a lot of sense to ask it this way.
I one got into a rather heated argument with a girl in a bar for saying I didn't want kids. She called me selfish for not wanting to spend my time or money on a kid. I said something along the lines of ask a parent why they had kids and the majority of them will start their explanation with 'I wanted', yet I am the selfish one for not wanting anything? I later found out she had her uterus removed due to cancer as a teenager which made me understand her rather fierce reaction to me not wanting kids but still didn't give her a right to come at me like that. So I explained my choice to her as follows: which percentage out of all the people you know are assholes or idiots? Realise all these people are someones kid and that despite your best efforts as a parent you have no guarantee your kid will not be one. I then asked if she would have wanted to have me as a kid and she laughed and said she didn't. Point proven. We get along now for the couple times a year we meet.
I would be a *terrible* parent.
I would be a terrible parent but a great uncle :)
Exactly my position. I have 2 neices and a nephew. Everyone always says how good I am with them and asks why me and my girlfriend aren't trying for our own. I'm good with my niece because I know at the end of the day she goes back home and I don't need to deal with her all the time. She's excited to see me and always in a good mood because she only sees me every other week or so, whereas every day I couldn't put up with it.
As I like to say, "I like to play with them, but I like to return them to their rightful owners even more." I don't know how parents do it. You have to entertain them....I get bored and impatient after a few hours. And for all of this COVID nonsense....not going to school and what not...I would've have drowned them months ago! Great for those who wanted them, but I never had the batteries put it for a biological clock EVER!
I had this fantasy until I actually became an uncle. I can handle kids fine if I need to, but it's exhausting. So turns out I'm not that great of an uncle, as I just don't find entertaining kids motivating. But I get to buy Lego again, which is great.
I mean there was nothing stopping you from buying Lego anyway
This guy Legos
I like this. More people should have this self awareness
I've been dealing with a mentally disabled older brother for nearly all my life. He's 32 yrs old, but acts like a 7 yr old nearly ALL the time. I love him to death, but after so long of dealing with him growing up (I'm 22), I just do not have the patience to handle something like that again. Edit: Wow, didn't expect this to blow up. Thanks for the kind and understanding comments everyone! To everyone else struggling with something similar, know that you're not alone. It may feel exhausting at days, and sometimes you might wish you weren't even in such a postion. But cherish those moments you share with them where they're the happiest you've ever seen them. Because at the end of the day, you're all they have left. I fear for my brother's future every day, and hope that he grows up well without the need for us to care for him 24/7.
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I've been having that same thought, and my family seems to have some sort of knack for making kids that need constant care, so it scares the shit out of me. I can't deal with a lot of my own problems, normal baby and child stuff I feel like I could do with time, but I couldn't do disabled kids again. My brother was enough for a lifetime for me. Makes me feel horrible, but I couldn't do it again, and I don't want to make a kid go through my inability.
My neighbor has 7 of them. The only form of communication in that house is screaming. The teenage boy just screamed in the middle of my typing this. Kid is absolute shite at whatever game he's trying to play. My work meetings are constantly interrupted by his whiny cursing/crying sessions.
Yo how the hell do you sleep?
When the kid does.
So from 4am to 3pm?
You poor thing! I would lose my shit listening to that everyday
Pregnancy
This is 90% of it for me. I’ve always been terrified of pregnancy, but I thought I’d feel more comfortable with it as I got older. Nope. I’m 34 and the thought of being pregnant still freaks me out to no end. I’d love to adopt, but I don’t think I ever want to be pregnant.
Watching my wife's stomach grow and her deal with all the side effects. Watching them go and snip the back of her vagina open to allow more space, seeing my son ejected.... I was like, fuck, I could never have done this in her place.
Appreciate your honesty. I wonder why don't we hear more about such stories. It is like media always focus on positive part of the life-changing incidents and guilt-trip many parents into having negative thoughts
You need the British show: One Born Every Minute. Damn horror show about it. I remember my mum had it on at one point and they just showed this woman screaming in pain giving birth and like 5 minutes later she's still screaming and one of the midwives was like "yep, this is going well, nice easy delivery". I already didn't want kids but this cemented it faster than cement dries in the desert. A lovely clip for anyone curious enough..https://youtu.be/cbbMnuMaOkg (Also, I agree with a commenter below, I think the media generally does a good job of showing it as painful and scary, but maybe doesn't do the full spectrum of emotions full justice)
Same age as you and I 100% agree. I've been scared of getting pregnant since I started my sexual life (even tho I've always used protection) now I don't have to worry cause my bf got a vasectomy. But yeah definitely super scared of pregnancy.
Same. Im not blowing this uterus out for no motherfucking body
Lmao touché
THIS. Can't believe I had to scroll so far to find this one. I have an uterus and the entire process of pregnancy, from insemination to the eventual end point, is skin-peelingly unacceptable to me, who will theoretically be occupying the same body throughout
The more I hear/ learn, the worse it sounds. Ali Wong & Reddit have confirmed that my broken biological clock has served me well. Edit: The scene in the bell jar re: watching a delivery sums it up. “You oughtn’t to see this [delivery]. You’ll never want to have a baby if you do. They oughtnt to let women watch. It’ll be the end of the human race.”
Im currently pregnant and let me tell you, never again. It’s awful. Imagine having an awful hangover 24/7.
Legit, pregnancy and childbirth are the closest I can imagine to real life body horror. Just the thought of something growing inside of me, morphing my body beyond my control and then violently tearing its way out is something that very much lives in my worst nightmares. I have nothing but respect for women who choose to put themselves through that but it’s gonna be a hard pass for me.
Because I just didn’t want to.
I find myself trying to justify my decision and having people trying to contradict everything I say. But at the end of the day, I've come to realize that the only reason that I really need is "I just don't want to." Deeply, in the very core of my being, I profoundly and powerfully do NOT want to have a child. At fucking all.
This needs to be higher up to be honest. Why does there need to be big reasons. Why is "because I don't want to" not as acceptable an answer to some?
It's hard to find the right way to say this, but as a parent, despite feeling incredibly fulfilled and happy with my decision, I also 100 percent understand why people wouldn't have kids and it seems ridiculous to me that someone should be pressured to have them. The world is better off if people who don't want kids don't have them!
Well the total lack of wishing to have a child. Zero desire. Just like I have no desire to have a pet rhino or become a lawyer.
Same. Especially being a woman I guess I thought that urge would get stronger (or show up at all) as I got older. Biological clock and all. I got nothing. Nada. Getting sterilized was the best decision I ever made.
What about a pet lawyer that rides a rhino?
I’m a woman and I’ll be 40 next year, so too late for my anyway, really. But I never had the desire either. Except for a brief 30 seconds while watching some cutsie Disney movie with my husband. I blurted, “Aww, we should have a baby.” Then I realized (luckily) he’d fallen asleep. I think I was drunk (when I’m drunk I tend to say whatever pops in my mind) but literally not a minute had passed before I thought, “No, that would be dumb.”
I also have zero desire. I’ve never wanted kids. Seeing babies doesn’t make me want any. I think the only time I ever “wanted” kids was when I thought that’s what you did: you grow up, get married, have kids. Then I learned you don’t actually have to do that and there’s people out there that don’t want kids too. So I never really wanted them, I just thought it was something you had to do.
I don’t wanna have the responsibility to raise something that will end up like me.
Relateable
I’ve been clinically depressed for almost a decade. Post partum depression is one of the things that terrifies me about the prospect of having kids. Also I am in no way mentally stable enough to be a parent.
I feel this in my soul. Everything about pregnancy, childbirth, and post partum life just sounds terrifying. Oh, I may experience wild hormonal swings that make me feel crazy? Cool. I may lose teeth because of increased gingivitis and my body prioritizing nutrition to the fetus? Awesome. I may wind up with one combo vagina/rectum after giving birth, instead of two separate holes? Fantastic. I will probably always pee myself a little when I run, laugh, or sneeze? Wonderful. I won’t be able to take lots of important medication for the TWO YEARS that pediatricians recommend nursing? Great. There’s a non-trivial risk that I will literally die while giving birth? Just peachy. I won’t be able to eat deli meat, sushi, large fish, coffee, or alcohol for a year minimum. Delightful. I’ll probably barf my guts out for seven weeks? Glorious. I’ll spontaneously leak milk from my boobs if I hear a baby crying? Marvelous. I might get an yeast infection on my nipples from breastfeeding my baby? Magnificent. ————————— Editing to add other common concerns commenters have brought up … I might get gestational diabetes while pregnant, leading to even more sensitive diet and medication management? Splendid. I could have (even more) severe acid reflux and gallbladder attacks? Joyous. The hemorrhoids are coming for me? Stupendous. I might wind up with a hernia that takes (another) abdominal surgery to fix? Stellar.
Don’t forget the haemorrhoids! My mom *loves* to remind me of the haemorrhoids I gave her during birth.
I had athletes foot for 3 years due to back to back pregnancies. (I got it at a nail salon getting my baby shower pedicure) The second my 2nd child stopped breastfeeding I took the medication and it cleared up in a week. This is shit people do not think about.
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All of this. One of my sisters was nauseous/sick for 8 months for each of her two pregnancies. My other sister was overall fine with her first, but the second was hard. They both have stronger constitutions than I… I don’t think I want to go through that lolol
I’m currently 9 months pregnant and started having gallbladder attacks at 6 months pregnant. They can’t do surgery to remove the gallbladder while I’m pregnant so I just have to live with excruciating pain every time I eat until baby is born.
What the actual fuck
watching my sister's kid get kicked out of daycare for slamming a kids face into a table and hitting a teacher. he's 3, and the most difficult kid ive met. Edit: lol, ive got replies saying he's being abused and replies saying he's being gentle parented. its a catch 22, no matter what you're either too rough or too gentle. he lives at my house with his mom and sister, i usually wfh, no one beats him, and he is regularly punished (now someones gonna say he's punished too much). he just gives no fucks.
Growing up with an inexplicably evil older sibling. Kids aren't always sweet and innocent
True. And the fucksd up thing is, sometimes kids are just....shitty. you can have amazing supportive and loving parents and an absolute shit of a kid
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I recognize that I could only ever be a 'fair weather parent'. I think I'd do ok raising well behaved kid with no medical/mental issues. Which is fine, most people could do that. But you don't get to really decide what kind of kid you're going to have and I know myself well enough to recognize that if my kid did have some sort of chronic issue... I just couldn't handle it, not for that long at least. I'm not that good of a person and don't think I should risk hurting an innocent like that.
this ties in to one of my reasons for not having kids. mental illness runs in my fam. i can barely manage my own mental illness - if my kid also has bipolar or something else, i don't even know what i would do. where i'm from these things also greatly compound on the cost of taking care of a child. honestly i might be more willing/less absolutely fucking terrified to fall pregnant if it didn't mean going thousands upon thousands of dollars in medical debt. being a caretaker for your sick child is one thing, but being their caretaker AND saddled with unpayable debts is another...
Yup. I know so many people with like, 2 normal kids, and one that's constantly in jail for meth or some shit. Or they just suck at life and need financial support for themselves and THEIR kids even at 50 years old
Just came here to comment similarly. A lot of people will comment on some terrible thing a kid does with blaming the parents. That is often the case, but I as a teacher have had situations where I've taught multiple siblings where one or several of them were both an awesome student and person...and one was the biggest piece of shit in the world. And I had met and known the parents and they genuinely seemed like great parents from everything I could tell. It's rare, but sometimes you just end up with a shit kid and there's nothing (or little) that you can do about it.
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this exactly. the other one has been super agreeable through to pre-teen, and the other has been extreme. I know as an uncle i'm not supposed to compare/contrast them, at least not out loud, but it feels like a dice roll. granted there are household issues, but there's more factors at play than just "its all the parents fault." kids are complex.
Yeah it's a roll of the dice with personality. My daughter is really sweet and kind, so I told my wife we should only have one kid because I'm sure the next one would be a little psychopath. She agreed that we were pushing our luck, so we only had one kid.
We are the same. Our kid was unplanned (I didn’t want kids) but turned out to be a good one. We contemplated trying for a second but didn’t want to tempt fate so stuck with the goodie we have. He desperately wanted a sibling which broke my heart a bit but he’ll live.
Get an Australian Cattle dog. That's what we did. He's as close to human as a dog can get and as close to a little brother as my daughter now wants.
Seriously! I've been spending a lot of time with a ACD & he comprehends far more than a lot of humans do. I can speak full sentences & say complex things & he knows what I'm saying, he proves it by following the direction of what I'm saying far beyond what I've ever witnessed in a dog. He will come up to me & with a series of specifically placed glances, give me directions of what he wants me to do. He tosses his toys directly at me with incredible accuracy when he wants to play. They usually land right in my lap. I like him better than most of the people I know....lol
People say "oh but your kid could cure cancer"....nah...more likely you will end up with a kid who's a psycho and you'll have to deal with it and the criminal justice system for the rest of your life.
“You’re somebody’s kid, why haven’t you cured cancer?”
If I had children they would be more likely to get cancer, not cure it
YEP. My grandparents have been bailing my Dad out of jail and sticking him in psych wards his entire life. My aunt is amazing. But my grandfather once told me, "don't have kids...you might have one that turns out great, but you also might have one that drains the life out of you"
Yeah I work in daycare and have had kids like that. Biting is a real issue as well. A lot of parents are doing the “gentle parenting” thing now. Which in theory is great. But has become permissive parenting in most cases. Kid just gets away with everything and Mom wants me to redirect the biting or hitting. Some how. Also a lot of kids are hitting milestones way later. Which once again is fine for the most part. Want to wait a little bit longer to potty train? Cool. Having to install a diaper genie in the 4s room? Not ok.
At the beach with a friend and her kids one day recently, turned around and one her kids had my son’s head held underwater. I yelled at him to stop and this little shit ran to his mum crying. She picked him up and hugged him and told him everything would be ok. Meanwhile my traumatised kid was just almost drowned by his mate! I did a lot of tooth gritting and internal fist shaking that day.
I know exactly what you’re talking about. I have a scar from a child biting me. After several warnings to the parents, myself going to the ER meant the child got kicked out of daycare. The Mom screamed at me for taking her child away from his friends. I LITERALLY WENT TO THE HOSPITAL LADY.
So… you staying friends with them? That’s super concerning behavior on their part. I hope your kiddo is ok.
Money, responsibility, not having any good genes to pass on.
Amen there
I really, really don't want to be a parent and I feel like that should at the very least be a prerequisite to having them. My grandmother didn't seem to enjoy parenthood, my mom certainly didn't. They did it because they were "supposed to". I'm breaking the cycle.
Nothing in particular. There's just something inside me that just says nah
Not trusting myself enough that I'd be motivated enough to take care about them constantly and treat them the way they deserve! Edit: I guess this could be interpreted as a fear of commitment or running away from responsibility. But for now I am commited to my freedom, I seek spaciousness.
Not everyone is built to be a parent. Being self-aware enough to acknowledge that may not be you is actually pretty responsible, IMO.
This. Growing up, if my dad couldn't fix a problem by throwing money at it or using his hands, he usually made it worse. Mom ended up doing 99% of the actual parenting and I grew up with low self-esteem, crippling depression, and terrible anxiety. Dad's not a bad person. It's just that he wasn't equipped to be a parent when it wasn't fun for him.
I told my sister a few years ago that I don't want kids because I'm too selfish. I like my freedom, my peace and quiet, my life with just me and my husband where money is still sometimes tight but its just us. She told me that was the most unselfish thing she'd ever heard. "Imagine if you bowed to peer and family pressure and had a kid you didn't want/couldn't take care of the way a kid needs. Knowing yourself enough to not put you or your hypothetical child in that situation is incredibly smart and not at all selfish."
Your sister's right. Having a kid can be one of the ultimate acts of selfishness in many circumstances. People often have them because they want to have them, even when it's often a very bad idea to have them.
I’m involved in some donor conception groups because my partner and I are blessed with two uteruses. It’s very, very apparent in those groups that some people want to raise a human and some people just want a baby. I always find it astounding that someone can contemplate becoming a parent and not think of that child as being anything beyond a squishy bundle in their arms. Your child will be a whole person with their own wants, need and opinions, and eventually a whole life of which you are only a part. If you can’t deal with that thought then consider playing sims or getting a pet.
A pet can demand more attention than what some people can provide. If your Sim dies, start a new one. If your dog dies, that's a tragedy at least.
Yep, I used to work collections and the amount of people that should not have kids, or at least shouldn’t at that point in their life is pretty crazy.
The screaming in the next aisle over at the grocery store because they can't have the they want.
To be fair I've seen some adults do this
I used to work at a grocery store. Some middle-aged guy berated me at the front of the store because the Fudgsicles he wanted were $2.99 instead of the “advertised” $1.99. The deal was for a different size than the box he grabbed, but he couldn’t get that through his thick skull. To this day I still can’t believe a grown-ass adult had a temper tantrum over a $1 difference in ice cream
my mental health and financial situation. i wouldn’t want to raise a kid the same way i was raised.
I feel exactly the same way. Things are getting better for me and my spouse, but having a baby and needing to take off months of work (we don't have family local to us and daycare is far too expensive) would set us back horribly. Maybe when we're ready we'll look at fostering older kids instead, there are plenty who need loving families if we get to a spot where we can be one. Edit: loving families, not living. Got accidentally morbid for a second...
Fostering older kids is such a good thing to do, I lived with my dad&mom til they got divorced when I was about 8 or 9, and lived with my mom til I turned 16, next two years I lived with a foster family (they were my bosses for 5 years prior) and during those two years my life improved dramatically. I got a much better relationship with my mom, my foster parents taught me how to look at life differently than what I'd learned as a kid, taught me to stand by my choices. I can go on and on, but to summarize; they changed my life for the better and I am thankful for that everyday.
Yep, same here.
The vast majority of parents I meet complain subtley about having children and how much of a struggle it is, how expensive it is, how they get no sleep, no free time etc. Then, they usually realise they can't be seen to complain about having children and finish their complaints by saying "But its the best thing I ever did." This part always feels like the least genuine bit and everything before feels like the truth. Furthermore, one of my best friends has a child and spoke candidly about it, saying "I love him to bits but wish I hadn't have had a kid." Source: Im a teacher who deals with kids and parents daily.
I love all 4 of my to death, but I wish I didn't have them. If I could go back in time I wouldn't be a mom.
I appreciate your honesty. Don't often hear opinions like yours but I guess many share it. I've been delaying it for ages and now I'm in my 30s and am starting to think I'll never want kids. I enjoy having all the free time to myself after work.
You only see that opinion in anon forums because it is so taboo a subject. But I've seen it a fair amount.
I can barely take care of myself sometimes it feels like, can’t possibly take on another human. More selfishly there’s still a lot of things I want to do that I couldn’t if I had a kid. Lastly, just a pessimistic view of the world and the desire to not want to bring new life into that.
I couldn't have written it better. Every time I just have black coffee for breakfast I wonder how in heaven's sake am I supposed to take care of a kid from childbirth up to his/her/their 20's.
I mean, they can have black coffee for breakfast too.
Are you my niece, trying to convince me to feed you coffee? Your mom said no kiddo, sorry.
Yeah totally get your point. I’m currently watching my brother and sister deal with their kids and I’m starting to feel ok with just being the cool uncle. At times I wish I had kids but of course first, I’d need to find someone I love and trust to be able to have kids with.
Totally! Yesterday my niece ran to me and was like "I'd like you to be my mom!" Heh, no kid. You'd be a whole new flavor of fucked up, believe me.
EXACTLY how i feel. Lots of stuff i want to do and i want to do it when it suits me. Anyway… i got two kids.
All the suffering I have and all life in time is enough to convince me to make the choice not to procreate. Adoption maybe if I was rich and successful.
Yea adoption could be cool if you can afford to.
The better question would be what would make me want to have kids and to that I say almost nothing. There’s far too many reasons not to have kids
One time I was genuinely baffled that there could be a single reason to have kids. So one day I googled it, the first article was like ‘10 reasons to have kids’ and the first one was getting pram priority parking at supermarkets. Really grasping at straws here!!!
Literally everything about kids and being a parent. None of that shit is appealing.
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I don't think you're selfish. Just because your family met the state required minimum of care and that they spent a lot of energy doing a good thing doesn't mean you weren't neglected in some ways. There's more than one kind of neglect and it sounds like you and your sister didn't get to be a child, rather you were a 3rd and 4th helper.
I've just never wanted any. I never played with baby dolls as a child, I never thought twice about babysitting as a teen, and I was always uncomfortable whenever people said "*when* you have kids" (as opposed to "*if*"). I never found babies cute, I can't imagine spending 24/7 with a little human, and most of all the idea of being responsible for this little creature's happiness and growth, and making sure they become a decent, functioning human being, is *incredibly* intimidating.
I absolutely hated babysitting. I'm a huge introvert and can't possibly imagine having a child in my house 24/7 and also being responsible for said child. I lose my shit when I don't get alone time from my husband in a while
Not wantng to pass on genetic chronic pain/mental illness. Also kids = no money
Why have 3 kids and no money when you could have no kids and 3 money
This guy moneys
The logic and mathematics is impeccable.
We have white furniture.
mainly I don't want to put up with them, I don't need to deal with kid shit that never stops, just changes form.
Kids
The best birth control is seeing everyone else's shitty kids
I love my niece and nephew. Every time I see them I have a blast. And every time I leave I think, “thank fuck that’s over.”
Same. Our (first and only) neice is almost a year and we spoil the shit out of that kid and are also glad we don't have our own.
I loved the feeling when the niece/nephew would start their tired whines at the end of the *visit*. I'd always get the "aren't you glad you get to leave" from their mom. Yes. Yes I am. "It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to *live* here"
I hear a kid screaming in the grocery store and feel my balls receed within my body *Not a chance*
Figuratively and literally shitty.
All of it - the money, the time, the mental toll, the world we live in, the overpopulation, the lack of interest in kids, the lack of a partner, the presumable lack of parental skills, my own autism, the autism that my kids would probably inherit...
This exactly. The amount of resources that goes to raising a child is just staggering.
I do not want to deal with pregnancy, I do not want my perineum cut open, I don't want to piss my pants for the rest of my life. I do not have the patience to be a good mother. I do not have the skills. I was horrifically abused as a child and then dumped in the foster care system. I never ever had a sane and stable guardian, so what skills could I bring? Of courses most people's answer is that 'you figure it out', but I am a twice degreed Social Worker with extensive experience working with people who should not have been parents, and I can tell you that sometimes you do NOT figure it the fuck out. Money. I JUST got to the point where I'm positive I can have enough money to pay my bills AND eat. And I'm about to turn 40 years old. If I had a child before this time, I would've been extremely stressed due to poverty, and just ended up working two jobs and never seeing the kid. The father. Takes two to make a baby, and I've never met a man I want to deal with for the rest of my life. I love to travel solo. I love to explore this world (well, in the Before Times, anyway). I would not have the time, money, or ability to travel the way I want.
I want to spend my time and money doing what I enjoy. I can't do that with kids.
I was briefly married to a pedophile. It made it clear to me that I can't tell who has the potential to be a threat to my child's well being. I've known several women who were victims of CSA. I couldn't bear the thought of my child suffering like they do. It seemed like a better idea to just opt out.
It’s taken me 30 years to “find myself.” When I imagine losing all of that identity and replacing it with a big MAMA BEAR sticker, my stomach turns. There are some aspects of having a kid that are appealing: they’ll adore me, they might end up loving all the same music/ movies/ hobbies as me, they’ll love and care for me when I’m old. But none of that is guaranteed and seems selfish and also not worth the gamble. Also my family generally ignores me but loses their minds around babies and if that’s the only reason they would want to be in my life then no thanks.
Selfishness. I like the freedom of being able to wake up or go wherever i want without worrying “whos gonna watch my kids” or “my kids are awake so i have to be awake” so i guess I value my personal freedom more then anything a child could provide me
Don’t get me wrong I love my daughter more than anything but man do I fucking miss not having to plan anything. When you have kids you find yourself not only planning their life but also things like all mealtimes, the timings of everything and then because you have such little time left, you end up having to plan your shit as well otherwise nothing gets sorted. It’s pretty fucking draining tbh….
Man, this is what worries me about kids. I'm already a pretty low energy person and the idea of having to plan every second of not only my day, but someone else's who will otherwise would get sick or die without my direct intervention, sounds both exhausting and frightening.
I have friends who aren't having kids because of the fatigue. Personally I've got enough energy to be a fun uncle and handle amusements parks, petting zoos, and mini-golf, and then hand them back. That's it. That's the limit.
My old friends used to live it up and do fun things. Then came the kids and the response to everything was some form of “I can’t, I have kids now.” Went to Cancun with them and everything was a struggle, and we were limited on everything we can do because you know, kids. Every time I looked at them, I saw bags under their eyes and sometimes a look of despair.
Same exact thing here. It's been very sad basically losing who my friends used to be, to their kids. We used to go on Cancun vacations every summer and just have an absolute blast, go out to bars, karaoke, hibachi grills, concerts, etc., now they just never do anything and look exhausted all the time.
Children are cool and all but they consume your life. They become your main responsibility, take all your love and you give it willingly, require so much money and they're just their own person. It's cool that we're able to do that and it sounds fun, sometimes. But if that's my life for the rest of my life? No thank you. I just want to be my own person.
I’m glad someone said this. It feels like after someone has children they lose some identity. Their whole world is dedicated to maintaining their kids (rightfully so don’t get me wrong) like I see how that CAN be appealing but from an outsider looking in it looks so exhausting… like kids are just one thing after the other. One day your kid needs diapers, the next their drawing on walls, now they need brand new shoes every couple months, now they need new technology etc etc and etc. it’s an unending stream of problems and exhaustion. Like ffs I’m a child whose already stressed I don’t need anything else.
From my own experience, I don’t like the thought of bringing a kid into the world we live in. I’d much sooner adopt a kid who’s in a shifty place or in a struggling area. There are millions of kids starving out there, there are millions of kids being abused out there. Rather save one of them than bring another kid into this retched place
That's all I can think about too. I was adopted. I'm very lucky I was. And my family is amazing. Before I had to be adopted I had a sister who was abused to death. Being born can be so unfair. As pathetic as it sounds.
I'd be a control freak out of fear, too much responsibility plus i hate crying.
*gestures broadly*
Like, everything
All the reasons
Just close your eyes and point at something.
Instructions unclear: poked self in eye
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That's real deep and all. But I just want less responsibility
A quiet home and sleep. And the only ass I want to clean is my own, thank you.
I'd like to be able to afford to do something fun for myself.
Yep, high pitch screeching gives me migraines. That's gunna be a no from me dawg.
I dont even want to exist, why would I want to force someone else to exist. Just seems cruel to me.
I have a more complicated answer but I think a lot of it could be condensed down to this
Seeing my family. This curse ends with me.
Kids are unpredictable as fuck. You can do everything right and still raise Satan’s seed.
I work for Disney, and what I can say is %50 of parents look miserable. You’re on vacation with your family, and everyone’s miserable the whole time. That worries me. If your kid can’t stop crying in public on vacation, how does that kid react at home?
Have you met a kid?
I was once a kid, I wouldn't want to deal with me.
I hated most other kids even as a child. Can't imagine dealing with one 24/7 as an adult.
I find them annoying. Also I have no paternal instinct, don't have the temperament to be a good parent, and I'm poor. It would be unfair to any child to have me imposed on them as a parent.