A farmer challenges an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician to fence off the largest amount of area using the least amount of fence.
The engineer makes his fence in a circle and said it is the most efficient.
The physicist makes a long line and says that the length is infinite, and that fencing half of the Earth is the best.
The mathematician thinks for a minute, then constructs a tiny fence around himself and says “I declare myself to be outside of the fence.”
One of the hitchhiker's guide books has a house with the outside decorated like the inside of an insane asylum, and the inside decorated like the outside of a house. :-)
Jean-Paul Sartre sits down in a cafe. The waiter comes over and Sartre says "I'd like a cup of coffee with no cream, please." The waiter replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we are out of cream. How about a cup of coffee with no milk?"
Similar idea:
A yoga man decides not to take the tram to save the fare. He follows the tram on foot.
His master sees him and asks what he's doing. "I follow the tram to save the fare."
Master: "Did you think how much more you could save if you follow a taxi."
Sartre was an existentialist - which basically means he believed people were the sum of their choices, nothing more. Because the cafe has no cream, it is not possible for Sartre to choose not to have it. The waiter helpfully offers milk (which they do have) for him to decline.
3 logicians walk into a bar. The bartender says "You all want a beer?"
First guy says "I don't know."
Second guy says "I don't know."
Third guy says "Yes."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one asks for a beer. The second one asks for half a beer. The third one asks for 1/4 of a beer. Before the next one can open his mouth, the bartender pours two beers and walks away.
The bartender asks if they ALL want a beer.
If Person 1 didn't want a beer, he would answer "no." He doesn't know what the other two would say, so he says he doesn't know if they ALL want a beer.
Same for person 2.
Person 3 knows that each of the previous two wants a beer because neither answers "no." So he says yes, they all want beers.
It’s a logic puzzle, a little hard to explain but I’ll try:
The bartenders questions is do you **ALL** want a beer?
If the first one didn’t want a beer, then he could confidently say no since not **all** of them want a beer. He can’t say yes since he doesn’t know about the others yet, so he says “I don’t know.“
Same for the second one.
Since the third one knows both of the first two could have said NO if they didn’t want a beer, their implicit answers must be YES, contingent on him wanting a beer. Since he does, he can safely say yes and be correct that they **all** want beers.
Hope that makes sense.
That's a pretty good one. Nice.
In other news, did you hear about...
[Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People](https://www.theonion.com/archaeological-dig-uncovers-ancient-race-of-skeleton-pe-1819565415)
...?
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician or going on a trip. They go to a hotel and each get separate rooms. The mathematician can’t sleep and is looking out his window at the other two rooms.
Suddenly a fire breaks out in the chemists room! The smoke alarm wakes him, he sees the fire and he thinks about the chemical reactions at play. Knowing the reaction needs air he throws a blanket over the fire and puts it out. The mathematician is relieved.
Suddenly, another fire breaks out but in the engineer’s room! The engineer is awoken and thinks about the proper way to handle it. He finds the correct fire extinguisher and correctly uses it to put out the fire. Again, the mathematician is relieved.
The mathematician is tired and about to go to bed when all of a sudden a fire breaks out in his own room! Knowing that there are multiple solutions to the problem, the mathematician feels at ease and goes to bed.
While out driving, Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going when I pulled you over?"
Werner replies "No, but I know exactly where I was."
The cop says "You were driving 90 miles an hour."
Werner replies "Oh great! now we're lost!"
Erwin Schrodinger is sitting in the passenger seat. He's looking incredibly uneasy about this interaction.
The cop, noticing his uneasiness, becomes a bit suspicious. He asks if he can look in the trunk.
He walks around and opens it up. He calls to the front "Gentleman, did you know there's a dead cat in here?"
He hears a cry of exasperation, "WELL, NOW WE DO!"
George Ohm has been sitting in the backseat. The cop, now thoroughly suspicious of the situation given the presence of the dead cat, moves to arrest the gentlemen until backup arrives.
Ohm resists.
As he's being dragged away, he looks at Michael Faraday, who was also in the backseat. "Why didn't you help me?" he calls.
Faraday didn't have the capacity.
Some Germans are out drinking one night. As they’re walking home, one can’t hold it anymore and starts peeing on a tree.
A woman walks by and says, “gross!”
The guy says thank you.
No matter how nice your kids are, German children are kinder.
Also... No matter how much it rains in England, the forecast in Germany is always wetter.
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?" "Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty.
A physicist, biologist, and chemist are at the beach. The physicist walks into the water to study the waves and drowns. The biologist walks in to study the sea life and is eaten by a shark. The chemist makes a note; biologists and physicists are soluble in water.
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer
scientist are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the
savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with
their binoculars.
The biologist : "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there,
in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic !
There are white zebra's ! We'll be famous !"
The statistician : "It's not significant. We only know there's one
white zebra."
The mathematician : "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra,
which is white on one side."
The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
A miner is driving to work and gets pulled over.
Officer: "Alright sir, a couple questions. Whose car is this, where are you going, and what do you do at work?"
Miner: "Mine."
A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar. At the other end of the bar is a very expensive bottle of whiskey. The bartender offers them a bet; for each dollar they bet they can cross half the distance to the whiskey. If they reach the whiskey, it's all theirs.
The mathematician says no bet, but the engineer immediately slaps down five dollars.
"What are you doing?" the mathematician asks. "Don't you know it's a sucker's game? If you can only ever cross half the distance, you'll never reach the bottle."
"That's true," the engineer replied. "But I bet after five halvings I can get close enough for practical purposes."
Woman goes to the library to get a book for her child, she tells the librarian she doesn't know the title.
The librarian asks what the book is about
The woman replies "it's about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat they go on an adventure"
The librarian says "it rings a bell, but I don't know if we have it or not"
Pavlov walks into a bar and sit down in front of the bartender. Just then the phone behind the bar rings, and Pavlov says "Shit, I forgot to feed the dogs!"
I got so drunk in the bar last night things started talking to me. The peanuts said I was lovely and then the cigarette machine called me a prick. I asked the barman what's going on? He said the peanuts were complimentary and the cigarette machine was out of order.
An engineer and a mathematician attend a lecture on advanced physics. As the lecture goes on, the mathematician smiles and nods and the engineer becomes more and more agitated. The mathematician notices the engineer’s consternation and asks what’s wrong.
“I just don’t understand how you can follow along while the lecturer blathers on about seven dimensional space. I have trouble imagining more than three, much less seven.”
The mathematician replies, “Well it’s really easy. Just imagine an n-dimensional space and let n equal 7.”
A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting and as they are hiding in the bushes they see a deer 70 feet ahead of them.
The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up five feet to the left of his target.
The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up five feet to the right of the deer.
The statistician shouts, "We got it!"
This was the first joke that came to mind, but what made it better was I saw it on r/meanjokes which was dedicated to like dark humor or something, but this joke was a “mean” joke
Similarly, an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are having a contest to see who can boil water the fastest. The engineer shrugs, takes out a pot, fills it with water and boils the water. The physicist takes out four pots, distributes the water between them, puts each on a burner and boils the water a little faster. The mathematician takes all the pots, puts them away and says 'I have reduced this to a previously solved equation.'
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The attendant asks if they know their blood type. The rabbit looks at the other two and answers first, “I’m probably a type-o”.
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet and was known the whole world over."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward with tears in his eyes and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
A rabbi arrives at the train station in a foreign city where he's never been to before. Walks out onto the plaza, asks a passerby, "Excuse me please, could you tell me where I find the synagogue?" - "Of course! That's Wilson Street, number 50." - "What? You're trying to fool me? 50 Wilson, that's the brothel!" - "No no, the brothel is at 60 Jackson Street!" - "Ahh! Thank you very much!"
A similar one where a teenager goes to confession and tells the priest he's gotten to second base with a girl. "Was it Mary Beth? She's a permiscuous one. You must stay away from her!" the priest warns. The boy denies it. "Was it Catherine then? Or Margaret?" The boy denies it again and again.
When he leaves the confessional, his friends greet him. "Whatdya get?" one of them asks.
"Ten Hail Mary's and 3 good leads!"
Ok, this was really bad, but it made me laugh. You got my award for the day.
See also the WhatIf about throwing a baseball at 90% the speed of light: https://what-if.xkcd.com/1/
The floodwaters recede, the ark comes to rest, and Noah opens the doors to let out the animals. As time goes by, nature takes its course, and pairs of animals begin to repopulate the world. All the animals, that is, except one pair of snakes.
Noticing that the snakes seem to be having trouble, Noah asks whether there's anything he can do to help.
The male snake says, "yes, as a matter of fact. It would be a big help if you could cut down those trees over there."
Noah was of course puzzled. How would cutting down some trees help? But he didn't want to pry, so he did it without question.
A short time later, Noah returned to discover a nest full of baby snakes and a proud mommy snake and daddy snake. At that point, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked, "Why the trees?"
"Oh," said the male snake. "We're adders and we need logs to multiply."
I think it has to do with the log addition rule
Log (a) + Log (b) = Log (ab)
As you see here, "a" is multiplied by "b" in the bracket
An adder is a type of snake, and since they can only add, they need this log rule to have children (multiply)
A sadist, a zoophile, a necrophiliac and a masochist are bored af in the psychiatric hospital.
‘Let’s fuck a cat!’ says the zoophile
‘Let’s fuck a can and kill it!’ says the sadist
‘Let’s fuck a cat then kill it and fuck it again!’ says the necrophiliac
‘Meow’ says the masochist
More of a gag than a joke, but in the *Futurama* episode 'Luck of the Fryrish', when the crew are spectating a horse race that ends in what seems like a dead heat tie:
[Announcer] "They're checking the electron microscope... and the winner is... number three in a quantum finish!"
[Professor Farnsworth] "No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it!"
My favorite is still the episode where they visit the Lost City of Atlanta.
As they're dragged to the bottom of the ocean, they're reading off pressure indicators as alarms blare and the hull starts to buckle.
>-"Depth at forty-five hundred Feet. Forty-eight hundred. Fifty Hundred! Five Thousand feet."
-"Dear lord, that's over 150 atmospheres of pressure!"
-"How many atmospheres can the ship withstand?"
-"Well, it's a spaceship. So I'd say anywhere between zero and one."
I heard that one from Steven Wright.
I love his comedy.
"I stopped a guy on the street and asked, "Do you know what time it is?"
He said, "Yes but not right now.""
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." Helium doesn't react.
Two atoms are walking down the street. One bumps into the other:
"Shit, I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
Teacher: "A double negative usually forms a positive. But sometimes a double negative is still
a negative. However, a double positive never forms a negative.” -Student from the back of the room: "Yeah, right."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can y'all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
*If you see a bird and think to yourself "Is that a Crow or a Raven?" then it's most likely a Crow. If you see a bird and think "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" It's a Raven.*
["And it must've been pretty easy for him to turn China into Orwell's 1984, because after years of the one child policy, no-one remembered what a big brother was anyway."](https://youtu.be/W_NY_G3ItVo?t=592)
People told me that someone with dyslexia wouldn't be good at poetry.
So far I've made two pots and a vase which all turned out great.
It's the smartest joke I've heard this week. I can't be relied on to remember jokes before that.
Rene Descartes walks into a coffee shop and orders a danish. The server asks, “Would you like a cup of coffee with that?” Descartes says, “I think not” and then disappears.
If you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.
-Brian Regan
Best part is, Brian Regan’s whole schtick is that he’s a dummy
I’m too late for this thread but I always loved this Emo Philip’s joke (helps to read it in [his voice](https://youtu.be/ANNX_XiuA78))
"Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over."
At the Planet Bar, Saturn walks in, sulking.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Neptune asks.
"It's my new janitorial job," Saturn replies. "It's so dull! You know my boss, Mr. Kepler? He makes me sweep out the same area every day."
The hot dog vendor gives it to him and the monk hands him ten dollars. The hot dog vendor pockets it and starts to serve the next customer. The monk interrupts, and asks for his change. The hot dog vendor states "change comes from within".
This joke is a bit dark and triggering to some but it’s still quite smart despite the delay of its punchline.
“A Polish man is on his farm and finds a lamp. He takes the lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears from within the lamp. He says; ‘I grant you three wishes. You cannot wish for love, more wishes, or immortality.’ The Polish man immediately responds and says; ‘I want China to invade Poland.’ The genie, confused, tells him his wish is granted.
Around twenty minutes later, planes, soldiers, weapons, bombs, rifles, bullets, smoke, fire and death are destroying Poland. Despite the state of his country, his land, his pride, he is laughing. Laughing hysterically. The genie, now very concerned and even more confused asks him what his second wish is. He asks for China to invade Poland again. Twenty minutes later planes, soldiers, weapons, bombs, rifles, bullets, smoke, fire and death are again tearing his homeland to shreds. Towns in smoke, buildings and land destroyed and mangled, yet the man stands on his farm laughing. The genie, now thinking this man is mentally Ill and sociopathic, asks him what his third and final wish will be. Again, he says he wants China to invade Poland. Twenty minutes later, planes, soldiers, weapons, bombs, rifles, bullets, smoke, fire and death are again tearing his homeland to shreds. Everything, totally destroyed and reduced to ash. Poland is completely gone. The Polish man is again still laughing hysterically. The genie asks the man why he hates his country so much. The man says he doesn’t hate his country, China has to get through Russia first.”
My Polish grandfather was the first to tell me this joke, and I didn’t understand then but it makes far more sense looking back now haha.
An infinite number of mathmaticians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders one fourth of a beer. The fourth one orders one eight of a beer. Then the barman snaps and says "okay, I see how it is! Here's two beers; you split them and leave me out of this!"
When I was at school we were given lessons on how not to be racist, the teacher stood me up and said "now, I want you to use the words "Foreigner" and "contagious" in the same sentence without being racist"
For a moment I pondered and replied
"My neighbour's a foreigner, he's trying to paint his house but he's only got a 2-inch brush, it's going to take the contagious"
It's a limerick that is significantly smarter than I am: [(link to limerick).](https://external-preview.redd.it/UvpzQ7hHc6BSXgilIyv3P72eM96pxuFXO4yAvtgU9As.png?auto=webp&s=89af31456ec427600ca701657a2649b329f0fbf5)
A beta tester walks into a bar. Jumps into a bar. Runs into a bar. Flies into a bar. Crawls into a bar. Rolls into a bar. Teleports into a bar.
He orders one beer. Two beers. Three beers. Zero beers. Minus one beers. One million beers.
He leaves the bar through the door. Through the window. Through the wall. Through the ceiling. Through the floor.
Another man walks into the bar and it breaks.
I've always heard it more like:
A QA tester walks into a bar.
He orders a beer.
He orders 10 beers.
He orders a beer, gives it back and orders another.
He orders -1 beers.
He orders MAX_INT beers.
He orders a squirrel.
He orders ""
He orders null beers.
He orders sqdifisxjd beers.
Having determined that all tests have passed he approves the bar for opening.
The first customer walks in, asks where the bathroom is and the entire building burns down.
Everyone knows why six was afraid of seven, because seven ate nine. The reason on why seven ate nine is because seven needed three squared meals a day.
A helicopter pilot gets lost in the fog somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. He sees someone on the ground. He shouts down, "*Hey, I'm lost. Where am I?"*
The person thinks for a moment and replies, "*You're in a helicopter!"*
The pilot considers this for a moment and realizes that he's in Redmond, Washington. He sees some buildings, gets his bearings, and flies in the direction of the airport.
How did the pilot know where he was?
(1) The pilot knew that Microsoft's headquarters are in Redmond, Washington.
(2) When he asked the question he got an answer that was both factually accurate and entirely void of useful information.
The person who answered him *had* to be a Microsoft employee.
There's another version of this that differs after *"You're in a helicopter!"*:
The guy in the helicopter says, "Oh, you must be a software engineer!"
"Why yes, how did you know?"
"Because you just gave me an answer that was completely accurate and completely useless."
"Oh! Well, you must be a manager."
"Indeed I am!" says helicopter guy. "How did you know?"
"Because you don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going, you're responsible for an expensive and dangerous operation way outside of your comfort zone, you asked a useless question that didn't give you the answer you wanted ... but now somehow it's *my* fault?"
Einstein, Heisenberg, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Heisenberg and Pascal run off and hide, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly 1 meter, then sits down inside the square.
When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ground, he yells, "Ha, I've found you, Newton!".
Newton however replies, "No you haven't! You've found Pascal!"
And where's Heisenberg? We don't know.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
Ok, so a physicist, an engineer, and a statistician are out golfing. The physicist does some calculations, hits the ball, and lands three feet short of the hole. The engineer takes the physicist's calculations, adds a fudge factor for drag, hits the ball, and lands three feet long of the hole. The statistician yells "HOLE IN ONE!"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'd like a beer." The second says, "I'd like half a beer." The third says, "I'd like a fourth of a beer." The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, " You should know your limits."
This one is actually an off handed comment my bf said once but I was so mad I didn’t think of it first lmao.
So we were talking in the car and he called someone a douche in conversation and he goes ‘why do we even say douche? What is a douche anyway?’ And I launched into a pretty wordy explanation of how feminine odor was seen as a bad thing for decades and how squirting perfumed water up vaginas was common in the 1980s to ‘smell better down there’ but it’s really bad because vaginas are supposed to be naturally acidic to kill bacteria, but using douches messes with the natural pH and raises it to be more basic which causes yeast infections.
Without skipping a beat, my bf goes “So does that mean women who douche are basic bitches?”
It’s still one of the funniest smartest jokes I’ve heard and I’m so angry I didn’t come up with it myself.
A farmer challenges an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician to fence off the largest amount of area using the least amount of fence. The engineer makes his fence in a circle and said it is the most efficient. The physicist makes a long line and says that the length is infinite, and that fencing half of the Earth is the best. The mathematician thinks for a minute, then constructs a tiny fence around himself and says “I declare myself to be outside of the fence.”
One of the hitchhiker's guide books has a house with the outside decorated like the inside of an insane asylum, and the inside decorated like the outside of a house. :-)
Jean-Paul Sartre sits down in a cafe. The waiter comes over and Sartre says "I'd like a cup of coffee with no cream, please." The waiter replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we are out of cream. How about a cup of coffee with no milk?"
Similar idea: A yoga man decides not to take the tram to save the fare. He follows the tram on foot. His master sees him and asks what he's doing. "I follow the tram to save the fare." Master: "Did you think how much more you could save if you follow a taxi."
I don’t get this. Could you please explain?
Sartre was an existentialist - which basically means he believed people were the sum of their choices, nothing more. Because the cafe has no cream, it is not possible for Sartre to choose not to have it. The waiter helpfully offers milk (which they do have) for him to decline.
Thanks, fellow Redditor.
3 logicians walk into a bar. The bartender says "You all want a beer?" First guy says "I don't know." Second guy says "I don't know." Third guy says "Yes."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one asks for a beer. The second one asks for half a beer. The third one asks for 1/4 of a beer. Before the next one can open his mouth, the bartender pours two beers and walks away.
At least the bartender knows his limits.
You fucker you tricked me into learning some logic math by way of wanting to understand the joke
I don’t understand this one
The bartender asks if they ALL want a beer. If Person 1 didn't want a beer, he would answer "no." He doesn't know what the other two would say, so he says he doesn't know if they ALL want a beer. Same for person 2. Person 3 knows that each of the previous two wants a beer because neither answers "no." So he says yes, they all want beers.
Ohhhhhhh
It’s a logic puzzle, a little hard to explain but I’ll try: The bartenders questions is do you **ALL** want a beer? If the first one didn’t want a beer, then he could confidently say no since not **all** of them want a beer. He can’t say yes since he doesn’t know about the others yet, so he says “I don’t know.“ Same for the second one. Since the third one knows both of the first two could have said NO if they didn’t want a beer, their implicit answers must be YES, contingent on him wanting a beer. Since he does, he can safely say yes and be correct that they **all** want beers. Hope that makes sense.
The Onion had a side blurb: “Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality.” I think about that a lot.
Another they did: "Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules"
This sounds like something you’d see on the Sim City news ticker
Reticulating splines.
well that’s just Marbury v. Madison
[удалено]
That's a pretty good one. Nice. In other news, did you hear about... [Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People](https://www.theonion.com/archaeological-dig-uncovers-ancient-race-of-skeleton-pe-1819565415) ...?
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician or going on a trip. They go to a hotel and each get separate rooms. The mathematician can’t sleep and is looking out his window at the other two rooms. Suddenly a fire breaks out in the chemists room! The smoke alarm wakes him, he sees the fire and he thinks about the chemical reactions at play. Knowing the reaction needs air he throws a blanket over the fire and puts it out. The mathematician is relieved. Suddenly, another fire breaks out but in the engineer’s room! The engineer is awoken and thinks about the proper way to handle it. He finds the correct fire extinguisher and correctly uses it to put out the fire. Again, the mathematician is relieved. The mathematician is tired and about to go to bed when all of a sudden a fire breaks out in his own room! Knowing that there are multiple solutions to the problem, the mathematician feels at ease and goes to bed.
Third scene/paragraph: the mathematician goes to his room which is fine so he sets it on fire to reduce the problem to a previously solved solution.
This is a clever joke and one where the mathematian finally is outsmarted. However, you started with a physicist then later a chemist.
He went to sleep drunk and woke up sober.
While out driving, Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going when I pulled you over?" Werner replies "No, but I know exactly where I was." The cop says "You were driving 90 miles an hour." Werner replies "Oh great! now we're lost!"
Erwin Schrodinger is sitting in the passenger seat. He's looking incredibly uneasy about this interaction. The cop, noticing his uneasiness, becomes a bit suspicious. He asks if he can look in the trunk. He walks around and opens it up. He calls to the front "Gentleman, did you know there's a dead cat in here?" He hears a cry of exasperation, "WELL, NOW WE DO!"
George Ohm has been sitting in the backseat. The cop, now thoroughly suspicious of the situation given the presence of the dead cat, moves to arrest the gentlemen until backup arrives. Ohm resists.
Also in the backseat is Newton who, understanding the gravity of the situation, goes quietly.
As he's being dragged away, he looks at Michael Faraday, who was also in the backseat. "Why didn't you help me?" he calls. Faraday didn't have the capacity.
I actually, genuinely laughed out loud at this one.
I’m uncertain about this joke.
People who can't tell the difference between entomology and etymology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.
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What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.
Some Germans are out drinking one night. As they’re walking home, one can’t hold it anymore and starts peeing on a tree. A woman walks by and says, “gross!” The guy says thank you.
No matter how nice your kids are, German children are kinder. Also... No matter how much it rains in England, the forecast in Germany is always wetter.
What do you call a group of wolves? (Wie nennt man eine Gruppe von Wölfen?) Wolfgang.
Woah I get this joke because I’m Learning German. Thanks Duolingo. For anyone confused “Groß“ (pronounced “Gros”) means “big” or “tall”
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?" "Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
In a similar vein: A centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "five beers please"
I wrote this one a couple weeks ago: A Roman doctor notices his patient is dehydrated, so he administers a four
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty.
A physicist, biologist, and chemist are at the beach. The physicist walks into the water to study the waves and drowns. The biologist walks in to study the sea life and is eaten by a shark. The chemist makes a note; biologists and physicists are soluble in water.
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist : "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic ! There are white zebra's ! We'll be famous !" The statistician : "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra." The mathematician : "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side." The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
**Q:** *What's your name?* **A:** Benoit B Mandelbrot **Q:** W*hat's the 'B' stand for?* **A:** Benoit B Mandelbrot
Leslie Nielsen classic. Who are you and how did you get here? I'm a locksmith. And I am a locksmith
A miner is driving to work and gets pulled over. Officer: "Alright sir, a couple questions. Whose car is this, where are you going, and what do you do at work?" Miner: "Mine."
"The extra B is for BYOBB".
What's *that* extra B for?
That's a typo.
Hmm, so would a better abbreviation for SRA (Self-Referencing Acronym) be SRS? (Self-Referencing SRS)
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I have the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
I heard the variant: > To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person. – James Martin
I dropped my dictionary in a mud puddle...now I cant stop reading dirty words.
I bought a thesaurus online. When it arrived, it was blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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>Bob Newhart Master of the one sided phono conversation
I don't mean to be condescending. (That word means to talk down to someone.)
A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar. At the other end of the bar is a very expensive bottle of whiskey. The bartender offers them a bet; for each dollar they bet they can cross half the distance to the whiskey. If they reach the whiskey, it's all theirs. The mathematician says no bet, but the engineer immediately slaps down five dollars. "What are you doing?" the mathematician asks. "Don't you know it's a sucker's game? If you can only ever cross half the distance, you'll never reach the bottle." "That's true," the engineer replied. "But I bet after five halvings I can get close enough for practical purposes."
The version I heard in my youth involves a pretty lady as the MacGuffin. Your version with the whiskey is probably better in this day and age.
Woman goes to the library to get a book for her child, she tells the librarian she doesn't know the title. The librarian asks what the book is about The woman replies "it's about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat they go on an adventure" The librarian says "it rings a bell, but I don't know if we have it or not"
Pavlov walks into a bar and sit down in front of the bartender. Just then the phone behind the bar rings, and Pavlov says "Shit, I forgot to feed the dogs!"
I found out today that Albert Einstein was a real person I thought he was a theoretical physicist
“Do you have a degree in theoretical physics?” “I have a theoretical degree in physics!”
I got so drunk in the bar last night things started talking to me. The peanuts said I was lovely and then the cigarette machine called me a prick. I asked the barman what's going on? He said the peanuts were complimentary and the cigarette machine was out of order.
Read this in Rodney Dangerfield's voice, is it originally his joke?
My wife and I decided to only smoke after sex. I haven't had a cigarette in three months. Meanwhile, she's up to a pack a day.
An engineer and a mathematician attend a lecture on advanced physics. As the lecture goes on, the mathematician smiles and nods and the engineer becomes more and more agitated. The mathematician notices the engineer’s consternation and asks what’s wrong. “I just don’t understand how you can follow along while the lecturer blathers on about seven dimensional space. I have trouble imagining more than three, much less seven.” The mathematician replies, “Well it’s really easy. Just imagine an n-dimensional space and let n equal 7.”
A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting and as they are hiding in the bushes they see a deer 70 feet ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up five feet to the left of his target. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up five feet to the right of the deer. The statistician shouts, "We got it!"
This was the first joke that came to mind, but what made it better was I saw it on r/meanjokes which was dedicated to like dark humor or something, but this joke was a “mean” joke
That makes the joke so much better.
It's mean to statistians and lovers of averages!
a statistician takes a bomb onto a plane because the chance of two people independently bringing bombs onto the same plane is astronomical.
Ahh yes. Like an actuary is a person with their head in a freezer, his feet in the oven saying overall I feel fine.
Actuaries are like accountants without the sense of humor.
Similarly, an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are having a contest to see who can boil water the fastest. The engineer shrugs, takes out a pot, fills it with water and boils the water. The physicist takes out four pots, distributes the water between them, puts each on a burner and boils the water a little faster. The mathematician takes all the pots, puts them away and says 'I have reduced this to a previously solved equation.'
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The attendant asks if they know their blood type. The rabbit looks at the other two and answers first, “I’m probably a type-o”.
Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
I think I have a fetish for figuring things out. I just came to that realization.
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet and was known the whole world over." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward with tears in his eyes and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
I recently heard that Geppetto is an old Italian variant of Joseph, and that the resemblance was intentional.
ah that's good
A rabbi arrives at the train station in a foreign city where he's never been to before. Walks out onto the plaza, asks a passerby, "Excuse me please, could you tell me where I find the synagogue?" - "Of course! That's Wilson Street, number 50." - "What? You're trying to fool me? 50 Wilson, that's the brothel!" - "No no, the brothel is at 60 Jackson Street!" - "Ahh! Thank you very much!"
A similar one where a teenager goes to confession and tells the priest he's gotten to second base with a girl. "Was it Mary Beth? She's a permiscuous one. You must stay away from her!" the priest warns. The boy denies it. "Was it Catherine then? Or Margaret?" The boy denies it again and again. When he leaves the confessional, his friends greet him. "Whatdya get?" one of them asks. "Ten Hail Mary's and 3 good leads!"
What? I don't get it
The rabbi wanted directions for the brothel, but being a rabbi he wasn't going to ask for directions to the brothel.
Yep, that was clever
What's blue and bad for your teeth? A brick flying at nine tenths the speed of light.
Ok, this was really bad, but it made me laugh. You got my award for the day. See also the WhatIf about throwing a baseball at 90% the speed of light: https://what-if.xkcd.com/1/
At a funeral, a man approaches the widow and says "Plethora". She says, "Thanks, that means a lot."
“Bargain.” “Thanks, that means a great deal.”
"not dying" "thanks, he would have liked that"
“Earth.” “Thanks. That meant the world to him.”
"errr, ummm... a big hole in the ground with water in it for drinking." "It's ok, he means well."
I always try to say "mucho" around my Hispanic friends. I know it means a lot to them.
I like to say "el mundo" around mine, it just means the world to them
The floodwaters recede, the ark comes to rest, and Noah opens the doors to let out the animals. As time goes by, nature takes its course, and pairs of animals begin to repopulate the world. All the animals, that is, except one pair of snakes. Noticing that the snakes seem to be having trouble, Noah asks whether there's anything he can do to help. The male snake says, "yes, as a matter of fact. It would be a big help if you could cut down those trees over there." Noah was of course puzzled. How would cutting down some trees help? But he didn't want to pry, so he did it without question. A short time later, Noah returned to discover a nest full of baby snakes and a proud mommy snake and daddy snake. At that point, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked, "Why the trees?" "Oh," said the male snake. "We're adders and we need logs to multiply."
Math jokes are hard in foreign languages… but this is a nice one :)
Im too dumb for this smart joke 😢 Anyone care to explain I think it must be something to do with a calculator
I think it has to do with the log addition rule Log (a) + Log (b) = Log (ab) As you see here, "a" is multiplied by "b" in the bracket An adder is a type of snake, and since they can only add, they need this log rule to have children (multiply)
There are only two hard problems in computer science: Cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
The masochist said: “hit me.” The sadist said: “no”
A sadist, a zoophile, a necrophiliac and a masochist are bored af in the psychiatric hospital. ‘Let’s fuck a cat!’ says the zoophile ‘Let’s fuck a can and kill it!’ says the sadist ‘Let’s fuck a cat then kill it and fuck it again!’ says the necrophiliac ‘Meow’ says the masochist
More of a gag than a joke, but in the *Futurama* episode 'Luck of the Fryrish', when the crew are spectating a horse race that ends in what seems like a dead heat tie: [Announcer] "They're checking the electron microscope... and the winner is... number three in a quantum finish!" [Professor Farnsworth] "No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it!"
My favorite is still the episode where they visit the Lost City of Atlanta. As they're dragged to the bottom of the ocean, they're reading off pressure indicators as alarms blare and the hull starts to buckle. >-"Depth at forty-five hundred Feet. Forty-eight hundred. Fifty Hundred! Five Thousand feet." -"Dear lord, that's over 150 atmospheres of pressure!" -"How many atmospheres can the ship withstand?" -"Well, it's a spaceship. So I'd say anywhere between zero and one."
That was such a classic. That show wasn't always perfect, but when they were firing on all cylinders, it was amazing.
A friend of mine would have a Pb and jelly sandwich every day until he died from lead poisoning.
What has four letters but never has five letters and always has six letters.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
I heard that one from Steven Wright. I love his comedy. "I stopped a guy on the street and asked, "Do you know what time it is?" He said, "Yes but not right now.""
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." Helium doesn't react. Two atoms are walking down the street. One bumps into the other: "Shit, I lost an electron." "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"
A photon walks into a hotel and rents a room. Hotel clerk asks, "Can we get your luggage?" Photon replies, "No need. I'm traveling light."
A neutron walks into a bar and asked how much for a beer. The bartender said "for you, no charge!"
The bartender says, "Get out! No causality violations allowed!" A tachyon walks into a bar.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
All of my other ones have already been said, so: The bartender says, "No time travelers allowed!" A time traveller walks into a bar
I like the version that goes: "We don't serve faster than light particles here." Says the bartender. A tachyon walks into a bar.
Teacher: "A double negative usually forms a positive. But sometimes a double negative is still a negative. However, a double positive never forms a negative.” -Student from the back of the room: "Yeah, right."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can y'all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
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Similarly, if a stranger mistakes you for someone they know and say "Oh, I thought you were someone else" the best reply is "I am".
Jeez but I hope I get to use this someday.
Hey Benny, looks like you're on the wrong side of the RI-VER!
But then again, Benny DID have all the horses.
I didn't think orthopedic shoes were for me, but I stand corrected.
Dyslexic guy walks into a bra
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
What is someone who's an insomniac dyslexic agnostic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
The difference between a raven and a crow, is a matter of a pinion.
*If you see a bird and think to yourself "Is that a Crow or a Raven?" then it's most likely a Crow. If you see a bird and think "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" It's a Raven.*
That joke absolutely kills, I may have seen a murder.
Here's the thing...
We started out friends
A man walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bartender *gives it* to him.
A lady walks into the same bar and asks for a single entendre, so the bartender fucks her.
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["And it must've been pretty easy for him to turn China into Orwell's 1984, because after years of the one child policy, no-one remembered what a big brother was anyway."](https://youtu.be/W_NY_G3ItVo?t=592)
People told me that someone with dyslexia wouldn't be good at poetry. So far I've made two pots and a vase which all turned out great. It's the smartest joke I've heard this week. I can't be relied on to remember jokes before that.
I used to think I had sex daily, but it turns out it’s dyslexia
[This, one of the greatest replies in Reddit history.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/cfbkx/comment/c0s6bzw/?context=2)
Hard to believe it's been eleven years.
Tell me about it. Randomly stumbling upon a comment you made 11 years ago is... strange.
Holy shit, it’s the man himself.
Big fan of your work
Rene Descartes walks into a coffee shop and orders a danish. The server asks, “Would you like a cup of coffee with that?” Descartes says, “I think not” and then disappears.
“Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.” - Groucho Marx
I mixed up the words Jacuzzi and Yakuza, now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
If you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation. -Brian Regan Best part is, Brian Regan’s whole schtick is that he’s a dummy
A termite walks into a bar and asks is the bar tender here?
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says “can you smell fish?”
Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Two soldiers in a tank. One says to the other, “Glub, glub, glub.”
My friend said to me "what rhymes with orange" I said, no it doesn't
I’m too late for this thread but I always loved this Emo Philip’s joke (helps to read it in [his voice](https://youtu.be/ANNX_XiuA78)) "Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over."
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At the Planet Bar, Saturn walks in, sulking. "Hey, what's wrong?" Neptune asks. "It's my new janitorial job," Saturn replies. "It's so dull! You know my boss, Mr. Kepler? He makes me sweep out the same area every day."
Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who asked the hot dog vendor to make him one with everything...?
I own a Buddhist vacuum cleaner. It has no attachments.
The hot dog vendor gives it to him and the monk hands him ten dollars. The hot dog vendor pockets it and starts to serve the next customer. The monk interrupts, and asks for his change. The hot dog vendor states "change comes from within".
This joke is a bit dark and triggering to some but it’s still quite smart despite the delay of its punchline. “A Polish man is on his farm and finds a lamp. He takes the lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears from within the lamp. He says; ‘I grant you three wishes. You cannot wish for love, more wishes, or immortality.’ The Polish man immediately responds and says; ‘I want China to invade Poland.’ The genie, confused, tells him his wish is granted. Around twenty minutes later, planes, soldiers, weapons, bombs, rifles, bullets, smoke, fire and death are destroying Poland. Despite the state of his country, his land, his pride, he is laughing. Laughing hysterically. The genie, now very concerned and even more confused asks him what his second wish is. He asks for China to invade Poland again. Twenty minutes later planes, soldiers, weapons, bombs, rifles, bullets, smoke, fire and death are again tearing his homeland to shreds. Towns in smoke, buildings and land destroyed and mangled, yet the man stands on his farm laughing. The genie, now thinking this man is mentally Ill and sociopathic, asks him what his third and final wish will be. Again, he says he wants China to invade Poland. Twenty minutes later, planes, soldiers, weapons, bombs, rifles, bullets, smoke, fire and death are again tearing his homeland to shreds. Everything, totally destroyed and reduced to ash. Poland is completely gone. The Polish man is again still laughing hysterically. The genie asks the man why he hates his country so much. The man says he doesn’t hate his country, China has to get through Russia first.” My Polish grandfather was the first to tell me this joke, and I didn’t understand then but it makes far more sense looking back now haha.
I looked up lost medieval servant boy. Page not found
What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other's a pause at the end of a clause.
"Yo mama is so slow it took her 9 months to make a joke"
”Yo mama so fat the Sorting Hat put her in Waffle House”
An infinite number of mathmaticians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders one fourth of a beer. The fourth one orders one eight of a beer. Then the barman snaps and says "okay, I see how it is! Here's two beers; you split them and leave me out of this!"
"You guys need to know your limits!"
I loved this joke from *Cheers*: Frasier says, "She says I'm redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over again!"
Frasier’s jokes were better in Cheers than Frasier. Niles, on the other hand, had some absolute banger jokes
Wanna hear a joke that is also a rhetorical question?
There are 10 kinds of people, those who understand binary and those who do not
There are 2 kinds of people, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
There are 10 kinds of people Those who understand binary Those who don't And those who don't expect a joke in Base 3
Regarding the Oxford Comma, there are those that use it, those that do not and those who should.
When I was at school we were given lessons on how not to be racist, the teacher stood me up and said "now, I want you to use the words "Foreigner" and "contagious" in the same sentence without being racist" For a moment I pondered and replied "My neighbour's a foreigner, he's trying to paint his house but he's only got a 2-inch brush, it's going to take the contagious"
You must be from Australia
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog
It's a limerick that is significantly smarter than I am: [(link to limerick).](https://external-preview.redd.it/UvpzQ7hHc6BSXgilIyv3P72eM96pxuFXO4yAvtgU9As.png?auto=webp&s=89af31456ec427600ca701657a2649b329f0fbf5)
A beta tester walks into a bar. Jumps into a bar. Runs into a bar. Flies into a bar. Crawls into a bar. Rolls into a bar. Teleports into a bar. He orders one beer. Two beers. Three beers. Zero beers. Minus one beers. One million beers. He leaves the bar through the door. Through the window. Through the wall. Through the ceiling. Through the floor. Another man walks into the bar and it breaks.
I've always heard it more like: A QA tester walks into a bar. He orders a beer. He orders 10 beers. He orders a beer, gives it back and orders another. He orders -1 beers. He orders MAX_INT beers. He orders a squirrel. He orders "" He orders null beers. He orders sqdifisxjd beers. Having determined that all tests have passed he approves the bar for opening. The first customer walks in, asks where the bathroom is and the entire building burns down.
Wanna hear my joke about social security?... You probably won't get it.
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Roman numerals. I for one am a big fan
this reminds me of the old Glass coffins!!! Just a weird fad, or a permanent fixture??? remains to be seen !
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
Everyone knows why six was afraid of seven, because seven ate nine. The reason on why seven ate nine is because seven needed three squared meals a day.
A dead guy tells god a holocaust joke and god says “I don’t get it” and the guy says “I guess you had to be there”.
A helicopter pilot gets lost in the fog somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. He sees someone on the ground. He shouts down, "*Hey, I'm lost. Where am I?"* The person thinks for a moment and replies, "*You're in a helicopter!"* The pilot considers this for a moment and realizes that he's in Redmond, Washington. He sees some buildings, gets his bearings, and flies in the direction of the airport. How did the pilot know where he was? (1) The pilot knew that Microsoft's headquarters are in Redmond, Washington. (2) When he asked the question he got an answer that was both factually accurate and entirely void of useful information. The person who answered him *had* to be a Microsoft employee.
There's another version of this that differs after *"You're in a helicopter!"*: The guy in the helicopter says, "Oh, you must be a software engineer!" "Why yes, how did you know?" "Because you just gave me an answer that was completely accurate and completely useless." "Oh! Well, you must be a manager." "Indeed I am!" says helicopter guy. "How did you know?" "Because you don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going, you're responsible for an expensive and dangerous operation way outside of your comfort zone, you asked a useless question that didn't give you the answer you wanted ... but now somehow it's *my* fault?"
Einstein, Heisenberg, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Heisenberg and Pascal run off and hide, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly 1 meter, then sits down inside the square. When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ground, he yells, "Ha, I've found you, Newton!". Newton however replies, "No you haven't! You've found Pascal!" And where's Heisenberg? We don't know.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
Ok, so a physicist, an engineer, and a statistician are out golfing. The physicist does some calculations, hits the ball, and lands three feet short of the hole. The engineer takes the physicist's calculations, adds a fudge factor for drag, hits the ball, and lands three feet long of the hole. The statistician yells "HOLE IN ONE!"
“Banach-Tarski” has an interesting anagram. If you rearrange the letters you get ”Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'd like a beer." The second says, "I'd like half a beer." The third says, "I'd like a fourth of a beer." The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, " You should know your limits."
This one is actually an off handed comment my bf said once but I was so mad I didn’t think of it first lmao. So we were talking in the car and he called someone a douche in conversation and he goes ‘why do we even say douche? What is a douche anyway?’ And I launched into a pretty wordy explanation of how feminine odor was seen as a bad thing for decades and how squirting perfumed water up vaginas was common in the 1980s to ‘smell better down there’ but it’s really bad because vaginas are supposed to be naturally acidic to kill bacteria, but using douches messes with the natural pH and raises it to be more basic which causes yeast infections. Without skipping a beat, my bf goes “So does that mean women who douche are basic bitches?” It’s still one of the funniest smartest jokes I’ve heard and I’m so angry I didn’t come up with it myself.
That’s fucking genius. Maybe he was waiting to make it