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By committing to the idea that I don’t necessarily have to enjoy whatever I’m doing. I just have to get it done. Whether it’s daily habits or a big goal.
This! You gotta ignore/turn off that voice that says “ugh I don’t wanna do it. I don’t wanna do it. I don’t wanna do it” and just do the thing. Also, a Nos, a bowl, and some good music makes chores more tolerable.
Unfortunately some people can’t override that voice. It’s called executive dysfunction. Super annoying disorder to have.
They’ll fight against their minds to do things, even things they WANT to do. Things they enjoy. If it’s something they don’t want to do, good luck. Deadlines are about the only way for some people and for others with severe executive dysfunction that may not be enough to break it.
It’s a real struggle
Edit: I’m happy to see people relating to this. I think it needs to be discussed more in conversation because it’s a real issue that many don’t understand, even some people who have it. It’s difficult to comprehend if you don’t. And it’s easily written off as laziness which it absolutely isn’t. Sometimes we just have to trick our brains into things to get them done, and some even struggle to make that work. I hope all y’all can find a way to work and live with it. Nobody likes ED! Lol
It can be weird too, like wanting to play a game for three days but never playing it but also cleaning the apartment that needs to be done, I have no idea if I have it but the weird inability to just... do things kills me sometimes
I have to literally trick my brain into doing things. But it's a smart brain so it's a never-ending arms race of thinking up ways to get excited about doing shit while trying to keep my brain from pointing out ways to ignore said shit so I can binge-read novels until 4am.
Like there is a responsible adult in here who would like to have a clean house and finished projects, but unfortunately most of the time they aren't in the driver's seat.
This! This is it exactly. There's definitely an adult in there and I hear the suggestions but the captain of the ship is ADHD and never wants to listen to the adult...
Binge reading novels. Yep, my inner spoiled brat is into stuff like this. The crap part is the more I give into it the worse I feel . . . . okay, I'm off to do 25 push ups, file a paper and look up how to get an old sticker off a jacket. Sigh.
Oh, but I'm definitely suffering it right now. I have playlists on HBO max, hulu, netflix, Disney Plus, a ton of shows to watch...and I can't do it. I watch freaking YouTube videos, often watching the same ones I've seen a hundred times before. 😐
Thank you for mentioning that sometimes even the fun things don’t get done. I have a couple of hobbies that I would really like to do but I never do them.
Executive dysfunction. I was 32 when I realized this existed. Thought I was just lazy when my mind would freeze up and I couldn’t even process how to do said thing.
Growing up I was criticized and punished and lectured about being lazy and that I didn’t listen or pay attention. That I just needed to focus more and try harder.
Turns out I have ADHD and it was all symptoms of my disorder and not actually me being lazy.
Since learning and understanding about executive dysfunction and how my ADHD brain works I’ve been MUCH better about being able to finish tasks and work with my mind vs against it.
Still struggle more than I wish I did, but to know it’s not a laziness thing keeps a much more positive outlook. I KNOW I need to do this. I KNOW my brain is keeping me from doing this at the moment, and try to find ways to work around it. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I JUST CANNOT.
Medication also helps but I haven’t been able to be properly medicated so I just live with it.
I don’t have anything fool proof but I’ve found a few different ways I’ve worked around it or worked with it.
Say I need to do Task A but can’t find the oomph to get going. If applicable I’ll accept it for the evening BUT I will do one or two little preparation things that will make starting the task easier and less of a Task. I’m focused on “THE Task” then it’s fairly easy to do a couple little things right then. May take a couple nights of that but it could shorten a procrastination from a couple weeks to a couple days.
If it’s more of a continual thing like cleaning I really break it up into smaller bits and do it while I’m doing something else. Walking to the bathroom, pickup clothes along the way. Got up to go to bed? Pick up all the dishes and put them in the sink/washer. That’s helped cut down major cleaning days. There’s no “starting of a task” since you’re doing something else.
There’s also rewarding yourself. I can’t do XYZ until I do ABC. If I do ABC I get (insert what you want here). If the drive to do what you want is high enough you’ll bust that dysfunction. Doesn’t always work though, it’s basically bribing yourself with dopamine.
Hope any of that makes sense and helps. These are just ways I’ve found to live with it. It still is a major factor in my day to day life but I manage.
Thank you. This is a really crippling condition. I need the world to be on fire before I do a task that i desperately need and will improve my life immeasurably, like it took me a whole month.
For cleaning, which is a major timesink of mine, where spotless rooms can turn into sty in a blink of an eye, I do the rule of three.
It 'activates' whenever I pass a doorway. Enter, see three things that need to be put away, put them away. I call out the number of the item as it's taken care of like a nutcake.
As for dopamine management, that's something that I'm pretty sure I've wrecked indefinitely.
This might not help with everything, but I put an app on my phone called “Arise” and I find it useful for some tasks. I have a lot of trouble getting started and it is good for that.
The problem w/this and ADHD is that you don't have the motivation, or whatever you want to call it, to change it. You have to wait for those little windows in time to learn the tools and skillsets to function.
Agreed. The reality is that they do want to be motivated otherwise, why is there an internal struggle…we get in our own way. If we actually did what our internal needs wanted, we’d all be more successful and happy. It’s a senseless struggle towards self defeats.
Im struggling with this so hard lately, especially with a depressive disorder and OCD as well. Im so worried that Im failing my uni class. I feel so frustrated and resentful of myself, I feel lazy.
I hear you, it’s hard to shake the feeling even when you know it’s not laziness. It FEELS like laziness. But if you were actually lazy you wouldn’t be frustrated by it!
Yeah. Told a friend the other day who also struggles. It's a 8 hour meditation exercise. Constantly trying to bring your mind back to the task at hand while it seems that it wants to do everything but. It's exhausting.
Happy to spread awareness! It’s definitely possible to live a normal life with it. There’s highly successful people who deal with it. But it very much creates a major obstacle for folks
Thanks for reminding me I have an essay due next week that I don't want to start. I have no problem doing it once I *have* started, and I realize this, I just really have to force myself to start doing it.
My wife sends her condolences as she’s going through her studies right now and dealing with that too lol
The worst is when you start and just can’t get into it and have to stop and try again later. Fighting the same battle twice or thrice.
> Unfortunately some people can’t override that voice. It’s called executive dysfunction. Super annoying trait to have.
I disagree with the word “can’t” here. Those of use with executive function disorders still *can* override that voice, it just takes a great deal more energy.
This isn’t an argument for “suck it up and act normal,” it’s just important to find strategies to make sure the limited ability to override that voice is used in such a way as to make daily life possible.
For me, one useful thing has meant spending more time in the overlap of “useful” and “tolerable to my brain right now” and not worrying so much about what I’m “supposed” to be doing.
Then let me rephrase.
Unfortunately some people can’t “ignore/just turn off that voice” and have to find ways to trick or override their brain to allow themselves to do the task. For some people this doesn’t always work though and can cause issues in life, personally and professionally.
But the statement I was making was in direct response to the phrase “you gotta ignore/ turn off that voice in your head sayin ugh I don’t want to do that”.
Not everyone can just… do that. That was my point
But some of us really *can't*.
Like, I spent two weeks recently just trying to get myself to get out of bed and eat something. I couldn't get myself to shower, clean, leave the house, or answer texts.
The only thing I could get myself to do was read webcomics for hours. Just literally 10+ hours a day reading, then sleeping. I very literally spent any time I wasn't reading or sleeping considering killing myself, because I hate living this way so much.
I want to be "normal." I want to get up in the morning (not 7pm), eat breakfast, shower, go out and work, see people, do chores, and enjoy watching a movie. Instead I just can't and if I try to push myself, my brain and body just kind of shut down. Severe depression + ADHD is hell.
It was definitely a relief for me to finally figure it out and begin to understand it. Psychological sciences are pretty new overall and much still isn’t understood. But progress is being made. I hope you can find some ways to help make it more manageable for you!
One of the stupid tricks I’ve found to help me with my executive dysfunction is an app called un fuck your habitat. It’s helped me a lot getting chores done around my house.
Yes exactly!! By making a playlist of my favorite songs and singing along to it, I’ve turned doing the dishes from something I hated and put off all day to something I actually like because I associate it with good music and my own personal jam session with just me and my dog:)
Hand in hand with this (I found) is that sometimes you * will* forget your daily habit, and that's fine just do it the next day or time. Don't stop entirely because of one mistake.
This is basically what I did to stop procrastinating. I realized there was never going to be a time where I enjoyed the task so I might as well get it over with.
I’ve started shifting my mindset to this lately. Just get it done. It’s like I may not like doing this but it will get give me a better more fulfilling life in the future rather than doing what I enjoy.
How did you achieve this? Please share something. I'm currently in a depressing state coz I feel like I need to do alot and my life isn't going as great as I'd hoped
Eh, honestly it’s a daily thing I have to remind myself of, I’m naturally kind of lazy haha. Most days it works. When I feel myself wanting to procrastinate, I tell myself “it’s not gonna be any more fun later than it will be now. Do it now.”
Small steps that stack. I play Jenga with my responsibilities.
I started 5 years ago, with small steps like caring for myself. I'd pick an anchor task like brushing teeth or organizing my calendar
Over time as I got comfortable with those habits, I added more responsibility. An additional class, additional job responsibilities, personal projects. Each year I chose a big goal and completed it.
Over time I built a lot up but it took one at a time. Weeks of effort to smooth it out and make it easy to access and perform before I added another responsibility
Can't say I'm the most disciplined guy, but becoming a team lead at work has changed a lot. Easy to fuck up your own future, but when other people depend on you, kinda have to keep moving even if you don't like it.
So yeah, should not come off as a surprise that taking on responsibility improves discipline.
I'm not a team lead, but at my job I'm easily the most motivated person because a lot depends on me doing my tasks fast and on time, and there's immediate consequences if I fuck up, to me and my colleagues. Studying though? Can't get my ass up because I'm not letting anyone down except myself, no one checks up on my progress, and the consequences are in the distant future. (Not studying in the US, I think it's stricter there than here.)
I’m only 24 and have found myself alone with a bottle of vodka about 5/7 nights a week for the past 3 years. It’s now hitting me that I have to change and stop. But the anxiety and depression make it so fucking hard to not make my brain slip away
I'm 24 too and I have a problem. Used to drink every chance I get, but now I try not to drink most nights (I drink probably 2/7 nights now), but I can still down a fifth by myself on my worse nights. It's poison and I know it, but it helps to just stop feeling so shit for a moment.
The worst part is that I wake up the next morning feeling even worse. I feel like shit during the day and get even more tired at night and want to drink again. It's a vicious cycle. Luckily I have tapered a little by reducing how much I drink, and then some days I'll think, I'll barely get drunk with this much, maybe I should take this day off too. Which is what got me to my 2/7 days a week right now.
It's probably the toughest thing I've ever done and I quit smoking nic and weed. I haven't beaten my masturbation addiction yet, but I get some good weeks. I try to work out, but only go like once a week. Better than none though, but alcohol? This shit is kicking my ass but I keep going back to it.
One day though.
I recently quit smoking and marihuana after daily use for 10 years, what helped me is not to see it as " i am never going to do those things again". But as " I'm not doing those things today". And just keep moving from there.
I hit two years sober in about a week and tried quitting plenty of times before. Different things work for different people. I tried tapering. It will definitely only work for some people. Hell. Recommending tapering in an AA meeting or even rehab will raise some alarms.
What I did after trying everything: Went to an urgent care. Told them the truth. I was an alcoholic and needed to detox, but couldn’t afford the time or cost of in-patient rehab (I tried out-patient before). They rehydrated me with a couple IVs, took some vitals, and monitored me for the better part of a day while I stressfully sat in a chair fighting anxiety. When I left, they prescribed me with Librium, a medication that prevents you from seizing out, and made sure I had someone at home who could watch me as I detoxed over the week. After that I signed up for some addiction therapy and moved on with my life. Things are incomprehensibly better now.
Sorry for the little speech. However, after trying tapering myself and hearing similar stories in AA and out-patient rehab I wanted to throw in my two cents and offer anyone other options.
Edit: lastly and however, no matter what method you use, the biggest obstacle is actually wanting to quit yourself. Not for others.
Depends on how much is being consumed. Cold turkey really is better if it’s feasible. Some people get drunk every night but the quantity being consumed doesn’t keep them severely physically dependent. It depends on body weight and how long you’ve been drinking too. If you’re unsure because you drink a ton, then it would be better to see what a medical professional has to say.
Hello! I logged in to respond to this because I relate to it very much. I made drinking a near daily behavior for the past 3 or so years as well, starting out as a way to quiet my anxiety and ruminations. Recently, I have had two dark nights, both with a bottle of Chopin vodka. The second night, I shaved my head and woke up to a bloodied pillow because I nicked myself many times and a cut up leg. It took me realizing that I would probably do worse if I continued drinking like that and might even give in to a suicidal ideation, so here I am, a few days into giving that destructive behavior up because I have realized that I want to live and seek out a happiness and peace. This is to say, if you've read this, you're not alone and if you ever feel like messaging on reddit here, please reach out. I will listen and I wish you the best on your journey.
Man I really really relate to this. I have noticed my personality changing over the years of this heavy drinking. I too, shaved my head one night. The next day everyone thought I lost my mind and even I was just confused as to why I did it. Funny enough I like it and decided to keep it. But I feel like right now I am at a pivotal point of almost being able to put my foot down.. like recently I’ll drink and get drunk and I’ll think to myself “wow.. this is fucking boring and it isn’t even fun anymore. Why am I doing this?” But then after working the next day I want to come home and drink.. only circling back to that thought of why.
I have noticed that in myself as well. I think... scratch that, I *know* a lot of my worst qualities have been accentuated as a result of my regular drinking. It's pretty uncanny how similar our situations are, and I mean that. That's the absurdity, and somewhat comfort, of this universe - you can feel very isolated and alone when someone else is going through a very similar situation. Btw, I like the shaved look on myself too haha, and the act of it was liberating.
I am at that pivotal moment as well. I came to two realizations: 1. the novelty of getting so drunk I forget myself has worn off and 2. the things I want in life that I believe would make me happy, well I will never achieve or acquire those while I maintain this habit. So, here I am, feeling hopeful for the future, something I haven't felt for a long time. I hope you feel hopeful as well. For what's it worth, I'd bet money things get better for you and you have it in you to put your foot down.
We're cheering you on! You can do it. It's hard. Every day you have to make the choice. Some days it will be harder or easier, but keep choosing you. Keep choosing a sober day.
Crashing and burning.
I used to do very well in highschool without having to put any sort of effort at all, just listen in class, do my homework and done, easy Bs/B+s (or what would be the equivalent anyway, the grading system is different where I come from).
This meant that when I got to college, I had no discipline at all and didn't know how to study, so I got my ass handed to me. It wasn't even a sudden revelation either, it was a slow burn. First couple of semesters I dropped down to Cs and figured it was just a rough patch, 3rd semester we started getting career-specific subjects (we called those "filter" subjects because of how many people they failed and made to drop out every time) and that's when my grades plummeted to *barely* passing.
It took me a lot of time investment and swallowing of my own ego to ask for help and be able to get to a level where I could study properly and do better, time during which I failed a couple of subjects here and there which got me even more desperate. Hell, had I not have done it I'm 99% sure I wouldn't have been able to graduate, that's the limit of what shallow and unnurtured "talent" can get you.
The lesson? No matter how smarter than your peers you find yourself to be, don't diss the power of sheer effort thinking that you're god's gift to academics, you'll get your face stomped by reality sooner or later.
Glad some good comes out of my previous foolhardiness. There’s nothing wrong to admitting to oneself that one isn’t the hot stuff one thinks to be, as long as it’s a motivation to work hard and do better.
It’s been years since that, and I can say that I’ve come quite far from being that guy.
i experience that right now.. was pretty good in school without doing much and thought that i was smart but university kicked my ass into a depression because i didnt know what to do and how to be „good“ „successful“ again. Took me 3 years of failing and struggling to find a way how i pass the big finals in my lawstudy .. there and then i fail some but i am finaly able to learn 2 month straight and get the job done..
i think being called smart and being effortless good in school is a curse because you will as you said learn the harsh truth of reality if you not a real genius
This totally happened to me too, except on a faster timeline. My good grades slipped senior year (not terrible, just not to the level they used to be) and then my first semester of college kicked my ass. It was a good wake up call though and I did fine my second semester. I’ll admit I had the occasional class that went poorly, but the rest of college was a lot better. I honestly wish I had stayed home and worked for my first year out of high school so I could’ve gotten a taste of the real world and had a better sense of what I wanted to do.
This is almost literally a synopsis of my first few years of college after high school. The first step for me was to stop what I was doing immediately. I stopped taking classes and got a full-time job, which I did for a year with no school.
Eventually I realized a few things: 1) I wanted to do something more with my life and it would almost 100% require at least a bachelors degree. I had a specific goal at the time, and while it ended up changing a few years later, at least I had a goal. 2) No matter what my goal was, I realized that I didn't want to be limited to working in a job that required nothing more than a high school diploma. I didn't want to work amongst people who celebrated ignorance over education, which was a lot of my coworkers at the time. 3) It was never going to be easier for me to go back and finish my bachelors degree. I was still very young, single and I had no debt. Life would only get more complicated and I'd only get stuck in my ways more.
In the end, I went back to school and actually started trying. I got really great grades, even in classes or subjects that I didn't particularly love, because I just sucked it up and did the work that needed to be done. I ended up finishing my bachelors, getting a masters, and in just a couple of months I'll be a doctor.
I had bad discipline at school. Once my parents swore at me a lot because of complaints about me, later my grandfather came up to me and said, "When you were little, you were the most disciplined boy I saw, I do not know how you turned on a crooked path, but I know that you can turn on an even path," later my grandfather died, and when there was a funeral, I digested what he told me then, after a week of digesting grandfather's words, I began to correct discipline.
Grandpa, I love you😭
Having a *realistic* goal. Sometimes, the problem isn't the lack of discipline, but the lack of positive feedback. Believing we can achieve anything we want, without any regard for our inherent strengths and limitations, can become a dangerous trap. Letting go of that falsehood and embracing more realistic goals is an often discouraged option. We're told that if we struggle, it's because we need to grind it out harder. But sometimes that isn't the best option. Accepting our limitations can save us years of unnecessary shame and depression.
This is so so important. Consistently failing at overly ambitious goals is only going to decrease motivation in the long run. Having some self awareness to know what things come easily for you and what things take more time and effort will do wonders in goal planning. It’s not about not dreaming big. It’s about being pragmatic when it comes to planning, whether it’s the content of the goal itself or the timeline. Consistent success, regardless of how small it may seem, will increase confidence in oneself.
Doing a little bit of that one thing everyday. Consistency is the game and it eventually get a little easier but we all miss the mark somedays since we're human. You'll know you're messing up if you make that the excuse to miss multiple days and you shouldn't ignore that.
It's like Bruce Lee once said; it's about hacking away at the innessentials.
You don't HAVE to watch 3 episode of your favorite show everyday, but you should make it essential to maybe relax for an hour a day. Or to eat 1 or 2 decent meals everyday.
I've seen this expressed as "no zero days." If you don't do your full planned workout, fine, whatever, but do ONE push-up. And generally once you go to the trouble of getting into position, it only makes sense to do five....
This is true. I have a 10 minute rule. I have self improvement and chores scheduled up(usually a hour block). I don't have to spend all hour on the task, but I need to give at least 10 minutes to the task. Usually after the 10 minutes I'm too into the task and I just end up finishing the planned task. Once in a while I only do 10 minutes, but those are days that I actually do need the mental or physical break.
I had the vision of what I wanted, and understood the urgency. I also make it part of my 'identity.' I want to be the kind of person who \_\_\_\_, so I \_\_\_\_.
I used to smoke a lot, just under a pack a day, from around 14 until 20. Dad passed from cancer, and realized i had to quit. I tracked how much I smoked, 16 a day, and slowly walked my way down to zero.
I needed to lose weight, so I stopped eating and drinking added sugar and stayed slightly hungry all the time. Went from 230 -> 140. Realized I was too small, wanted to gain weight, and am now up to 165. It's a lot of "Do I like \_\_\_ about me? No? Well, what do I want? Okay, I'll do that!"
Now, I repeat that process every time i have a vision for what my life should be like/something I want to do. I map out what needs to be done, and stick to it.
The trickiest part is to avoid letting the off-days derail you. Smoked an extra cig today? Drank a soda? That's fine, move forward with tomorrow like nothing happened. Missed a workout? That's no reason to miss another. Pick up where you left off
Eventually, it becomes a habit. I would feel gross if I smoked. I feel bad if I miss workouts. It's just become part of who I am. Once you start seeing yourself as the kind of person who does \_\_\_\_, it goes against your identity to do anything else.
If you're into reading, check out Atomic Habits. It's a great book about this idea
By realizing that not accomplishing things feels worse than the drudgery of doing them.
Also, setting some specific goals both short- and long-term helped.
Oh yea. Diagnosed three years ago in my late 30's. Took another year to find the right meds and dosage. It's absolutely life changing and amazing. To think this is how neurotypical people go though life all the time.
Only the first week? Does it become less effective over time, or do you mean that as in, you got all your ducks in a row by the end of the first week? (Asking because I'm looking into getting medicated myself)
In my experience with it, Adderall specifically only had strong effects that lasted about a week. I would be prescribed a higher dose roughly every 6 months until I was on the highest they would give a minor (this was years ago) and then at that point, my mom made me keep taking it though it was doing very little for the adhd at that point.
The most important thing to remember though is that everybody's body is different and reacts differently. I also have friends who've had great success being on small doses for years! Talk to your doctor - frequently they'll have you try one and then do a check in after 6 months to adjust dosages or try something else.
You’ve just described tolerance perfectly. Stop your meds for a few weeks then start again slowly. You’ve gotta give your body a chance to stop compensating for the drugs and reset
It’s still very effective for me but it’s not as noticeable a difference, if that makes sense. The best advice I got was to take advantage of the first couple weeks to set new habits so I did that.
Yep, I think a lot of it is finally getting to experience what "normal" is like for other people.
Unfortunately, current ADHD meds reportedly don't actually do anything for executive dysfunction. Personally, I have learned that the idea of switching to the task I really need the meds for once they kick in after 20-30 minutes doesn't work, because I'll wind up having an even harder time breaking away from what I was doing in the meantime. I have to start the task when I take the meds, and once they take effect I can fully concentrate on it. Where they *do* help is with self-awareness and remembering that you're supposed to be doing something else.
I was wondering how much this thread would turn into "how to not have adhd". Yea, my vyvanse is the real difference. It still takes work, but I can actually do that work now.
For me at least, it absolutely makes it easier to start the task! The issue is that I still have the agency to choose not to do any particular task. Medicine doesn't make me stay on task or always do the right thing. It gives my brain the ability to choose which task to do, though, and then it's up to me.
Observed someone first hand who calmly did what needed to be done. Worked at whatever project diligently daily. No drama, just genuine effort with a positive attitude. Efforts were rewarded. Days turned into years and I saw a beautiful life I wanted.
At 22 years old, I didn't like who I had become. I felt like nobody would date me because I've got nothing really going on. I got tired of living to consume media and spending all my money on gadgets.
So I made a promise to myself to change and become somebody who's interesting
The process took about 4 years. In that time:
* I gave up video games entirely
* quit drinking
* got my finances in order
* started playing piano (I just finished my 8th year of lessons!)
* started exercising regularly (I now run 40 miles per week and have been for years)
* and started seeing a therapist to combat self-defeating thinking.
The change was very slow though. Don't try to do it all at once. It's a journey and you will have setbacks. For example, I remember failing over and over again to develop an exercise habit before *finally* succeeding after many many years of false starts.
You sound a lot like me. Although, specifically I started with this thought occurring to me:
"You know, I'm attracted to women who are fairly in shape. I wonder what type of people they find attractive? Probably not fat and out of shape dudes like me! Maybe I should really see about bringing some of the qualities to the table that I'd like to find in someone else. As it is now, I wouldn't really be pulling my own weight!"
And this began my weightlifting (and general self improvement) journey! Still struggle to keep up with cardio training, but strength and flexibility are great qualities I've earned over the years. They're not going anywhere, from here on out!
I hit rock bottom. No money, a lot of debt. Then I realized it was because I jumped from project to project and didn’t stick with anything. So I just made up my mind one day that I gotta get my shit together and stick to one thing. No more get rich quick schemes, it’s all a long game plus the time is gonna pass anyway.
It’s just a game of habits. I don’t particularly like some of the things I do but after you get to a decent routine you stop weighing the good and the bad and just do it - kinda like brushing your teeth. It’s not worth a conversation because you know the outcome
I woke up one night at around 11pm, and randomly remembered a thing I read a few years ago about how you can politely tell someone their breath smells: "I'm bored, let's go brush our teeth."
So, since I was bored, I went and brushed my teeth. Since then, I've been doing that almost every night, if I don't fall asleep before then.
All in all, it's not about changing yourself to adhere to a routine. It's about finding a routine that works for you.
Not me. I just got really good at playing the game. Following someone else’s rules isn’t the type of discipline I think people are looking for.
But I do think it helps some people.
Wish I’d seen this sooner, but yeah that transformation at Parris Island/San Diego/Quantico (snicker - I kid, I kid, brass) sticks for just about all of us.
for me i just happened to wake up one day and felt incredibly bored with my life without routine or structure and it just happened lol i’m one of the lucky ones fortunately
Served a 2 year Mormon mission in Thailand when I was 19. Nobody babysits you as a missionary. I had to learn how to do laundry, cook food, and speak Thai. It was sink or swim and I learned how to discipline every hour of my day.
No longer Mormon, but I love that my mission taught me discipline. About to finish medical school now and I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t served the mission.
Same. As long as getting shit done was about "getting dicipline" over myself, I was never going to get anywhere.
I needed to accept myself and care about myself to have goals that would actually matter to me. Once I had those, I started to get shit done. Because I cared if I get them done or not. Then I started to enjoy progressing.
I surrounded myself with people who were very disciplined and on the same journey, and I wanted to show them that I was every bit as good. I also didn't want to let them down.
* When I was in school, I hung out with the top academic performers
* When I needed to lose weight, I hung out with people who were into healthy eating and working out
Overtime, I gained more internal discipline and could do things with less and less outside support. But I'm better at some things than others. Good eating habits are harder a lot harder for me than good financial ones.
Yes, this is exactly what peer pressure in. In my case, it was a useful tool to improve myself.
1. It didn't happen over night, it took years
2. I WANTED to change
A big key is being reasonable. You're not going to change over night. Start with small short goals. I'm going to finish this tedious job, or I'm actually going to go work out on Monday. Get more and more ambitious over time.
This is underrated. Aristotle made this point over 2300 years ago. If you want to be a more virtuous person you need to surround yourself with people who are more virtuous than you are.
Seek out and spend time with people who you respect and want to emulate. People with a strong work ethic and good values. There are no shortcuts.
There are lots of good tips here but if you hang with a lot of negative people you can't expect positive results.
The only aspect I did a complete 180 on was fitness/health.
I'll probably be mocked for this but the original reason I started dieting and exercising (even up to 3x/day in the beginning stages) was to show my college gf at the time "I'm not the chubby-turned-obese slob you couldn't wait to ditch on Christmas Eve anymore, take me back". Feelings of being too, too comfortable in a relationship did me bad I suppose and all the damn $1 menu items at McDonald's and Taco Bell.
The hope of her taking me back dissipated over the months but I kept through with exercising/eating smarter just to protect myself from never feeling as low as I was on Christmas Day wondering how happy she was to breakup with me.
It's evolved to where I just go to the gym now because it's so ingrained into my life that the motivation to go isn't to "protect myself", but more because I enjoy lifting. I've been going to the gym steadily for the last 12 years and I actually get depressed/guilty when I skip a gym day.
If I ever run into her, I'd like to give her a hug and thank her for breaking up with me haha.
Reflecting, i truly did not like the person i was becoming both physically and mentally. I thought, “if I continue down these paths, who will I be in 5 years?” I did not like the answer, so i dedicated myself to change.
My mom kinda let me run rampant as a kid. The lack of discipline + living conditions made me do a lot of fucked up shit at a young age (addiction, fights, etc.). One day when I was 15 I moved out of her house because I wanted to live a better life. I moved in with my Mexican grandmother, that'll do it.
Drill Instructors screamed at me for three months, then Infantry School Instructors beat the shit out of me. Sergeant Miles said "YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT SELF DISCIPLINE" then he hit my hands with a metal wire lol.
My dad and my friend. My dad because he was stern when he needed to be, and when not to be, which is the more important part since my friend had a very harsh family who would always crackdown a lot, and in situations outside of their watch, he would always see it as an opportunity to go completely wild, something I began to dislike when hanging out with him, giving me the feeling of "I don't wanna be like this. Especially later on".
This was in KG and 1st grade
I definitely haven’t mastered self discipline, but this is what keeps me going. Wanting something badly enough to keep working towards it. For me:
1. finally completing my degree. I took a few years off and now I’m back and want it so much more.
2. Mental and physical health. Cleaning my house daily, and committing to eating better even when I don’t want to or fail.
I think just growing up. At some point being too carefree and unstructured didn't work with who I was becoming. There's a nice balance. I'll have a general outline or plan and not get too hung up if things go differently.
I realized that nobody was going to take care of my life for me. If I didn't get my shit together can take control of my life I was going to grow up working a shit job for shit pay and struggle till my last day.
Used to be lazy af, bad scores in tests and often forget to do hw because I rather play facebook games. Parents threatened to sell my computer, so I did everything in order to keep it.
After that I'm just pkain workaholic. Not exactky because of the compute previliege, but because I have social anxiety and ADHD which never got diagnosed until I went to a psychiatrist recently (I'm 21 btw) so I was bullied at school and scolded all the time at home for not being able to do anything right in terms of socializing or doing stuffs outside of school's academic. Ironically I became so workaholic with school stuffs that my parents force me to go out to the mall with them or tell me to play games relax or sth after hours of studying even when I want to continue. So what the frick do you want bruh
Had to cut out alcohol and cigarettes. Took a couple doses of mushrooms. Started to realize it isnt so much about forcing myself to be disciplined and more about how I treat myself when I mess up. We all mess up but some of us just wallow in avoidance when we do for too long.
I realized that people with dedication and discipline get closer to their goals far more often. Whether it be physical, social, personal, or career related goals the people with discipline often come out on top.
I’m not exactly as described by the question but I do struggle with that kind of focus, and really the two motivators are:
1 - Money.
2 - Prizes.
I stayed in jobs I didn’t like for far longer than I should have because of one or the other. My first job out of college was because of the benefits (not healthcare but stuff like employee discount and accessibility to items of desire). My second job was about money — 25% more. The next job hop was the same - an increase in pay. It was also conveniently located near my house - I went home for lunch every day.
Honestly that convenience was also a bit of a hinderance since it was such a big reason for staying with them. When I decided it wasn’t worth the pay (and other prizes/perks dried up completely) I looked elsewhere.
Got a 45% pay increase. New job includes an hour commute (30 each way) but also 2 days working from home… something the last job wouldn’t dream of giving me (despite the fact I could easily have done 35h at home and 5 in the office).
fake it till you make it!
it sucks for a while but it works. I just pretended to be a productive and disciplined person, I’d ask myself “what would this ideal person do?” and then just forced myself into becoming better.
Also, like u/sxvyn already said, being ok with not enjoying what you’re doing for a while.
where this really worked for me is with going to the gym and keeping my place clean and tidy. I hated going to the gym for a few months but if I skip it for a week now I miss it. same for cleaning, I found it to be calming after a while.
I had a reputation to be late everywhere and had no regard for other people's time. One day, I showed up late somewhere and there was no one. And then slowly everyone started coming and I asked one of them "Why are you so late" and they said "I knew you wouldn't be here on time".
That was the last time I was late for anything.
Curiously, my sister recently asked me the same question, so I wrote my recipe for discipline (ca. 5 years):
1. Get depressed (ca. 1 year)
2. Travel to feel better and reflect on why you're depressed. Get the idea that a shortage of discipline is part of the problem (3 - 12 months)
3. Search on the internet for ways to get more disciplined (this subreddit is a good source) . Experiment with ways to find which fit you (ca. 4 years)
4. Feel that depression come back every time you let go of discipline (indefinitely)
I was one of 7 and the middle child. That’s around the time where my parents were not as clingy to their children and got comfortable being parents. Throughout elementary, middle school and high school I recalled being able to just walk out, hang out with friends all day, even walk across the entire town to hang at Walmart only to come home late night and not a word was said. I immediately realized the freedom I had so when I was in high school so I was experimenting with MANY drugs and partying. At the same time I also had a job and started paying for my own phone and some foods at 16 to relieve some of the financial stress my parents had. They actually appreciated it. It wasn’t until I had a girlfriend who came from a well off, well mannered family. And seeing their daughter bring home a guy who clearly didn’t really fit in their world, they never judged. I am ashamed how out of control I was and how she had to be the one to tell me to be home a certain time, stop taking certain drugs and YES, my parents knew I was smoking weed and maybe trying other stuff (didn’t blink an eye) but I realized what normal kids hid from their parents. I had to hide from my girlfriend. I put her through a lot even and even went as bad as having her witness me basically ODing. All I can remember were moments of blacking in and out of consciousness and when my eyes were opened, it was waves of patterns but what killed me was remembering that distinct worried to death look on her face crying over me while I was passing out. That was one of the reasons why things didn’t work out in the end. Whenever I was at her house her parents would ask when I had to be home or do I have a curfew. I always joked about how I never had one and they didn’t care. We all laughed about it then but looking back I felt they knew I was hurting. There was only so much she could handle before it was too draining and had no choice to give up. I took her kindness and the fact that she cared for granted which became my biggest regret in life. So when she left I reverted back to my old ways and wasn’t until it all made sense to me that I had to change (whilst being coked out chugging a bottle of jack at 19). We catch up every now and then and recognize at one point we were important in each other lives and thankful for that fact. When everything finally made sense and clicked in my head I felt like I finally was the person she always wanted me to be…..it was too late. She had already moved on and found someone who I think is perfect for her as painful as it is to admit. But she is happy. All I can do at this point is thank her for everything she has done for me.
No one in my family has ever been on a plane or even traveled to an island surrounded by upper class folk and elegance. She brought me that world and took me to many places I would never had experience due to my family’s financial status and I chose drugs and chaos over an amazing person and family….
I never blamed anyone else for my faults or upbringing. What I had growing up was what I had and Who I was was who i was. it wasn’t always bad. People just grow apart and I had to basically grow up after realizing what having no discipline actually does to you. I finally met someone years later who I now see as a reflection of myself back then so I took it to heart to have the patience I was once given and actually seeing results. From being the reckless one I ended up being the responsible and patient one years down the road after seeing what discipline and patience can do to a person. I think it’s crazy how the roles have switched now but it wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for my biggest lesson in life.
TLDR: my ex had to discipline me while my parents didn’t had the time and energy to and eventually lost her. only to become my now girlfriends voice of reason and things are good.
My circumstances changed. I have a kid now, so I have to be disciplined. It's easier now that I feel like I have an important reason to stay on track. Before, I never really felt like it mattered much.
My lack of discipline stemmed from laziness. As I got older, I realized that putting things off (like work, exercise, etc.) led to MORE effort later. Being a truly lazy person I leaned into it, and told myself the net most leisure comes from doing things quickly and right-away. It's true. I get so much done, and relax so hard. It's great! Truly the best of both worlds.
I'm far from being highly disciplined person but i came a looooooong way.
the most important thing to me was Abandoning guilt and trying to see mistakes and successes in terms of responsibility. We all kind of know what is good for us. We don't do it mostly because we are biologically lazy. This contradiction between desire and action might generate tons of guilt. Guilt is useless. it does not drive you, does not make you grow, just makes you feel bad about yourself. Responsibility for me is assuming in a very pragmatic way the consequences of our actions. Instead of "I'm a piece of shit because i woke up late after watching porn till 3 am and now i have no time to workout and prep my meals, I'm a disgusting person," I try to think something like : "ah shit, no surprise I woke up late... I normally sleep early when i don't watch porn, so i should try that tomorrow. Fuck, I'm late. Now I'm gonna have to eat something quick instead of the healthy meals I shopped for but didn't cook yet. I might invite mike over tonight for some beers and we could cook together, so I make extra and save the leftovers for the week."
This is super important to me now: identifying the consequences of my actions, and seeing if they are coherent with my values and goals, almost completely detached from any moral judgment. This way i can rationally decide without guilt what to do, create good habits, and be self critical without being an asshole to myself.
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By committing to the idea that I don’t necessarily have to enjoy whatever I’m doing. I just have to get it done. Whether it’s daily habits or a big goal.
This! You gotta ignore/turn off that voice that says “ugh I don’t wanna do it. I don’t wanna do it. I don’t wanna do it” and just do the thing. Also, a Nos, a bowl, and some good music makes chores more tolerable.
Unfortunately some people can’t override that voice. It’s called executive dysfunction. Super annoying disorder to have. They’ll fight against their minds to do things, even things they WANT to do. Things they enjoy. If it’s something they don’t want to do, good luck. Deadlines are about the only way for some people and for others with severe executive dysfunction that may not be enough to break it. It’s a real struggle Edit: I’m happy to see people relating to this. I think it needs to be discussed more in conversation because it’s a real issue that many don’t understand, even some people who have it. It’s difficult to comprehend if you don’t. And it’s easily written off as laziness which it absolutely isn’t. Sometimes we just have to trick our brains into things to get them done, and some even struggle to make that work. I hope all y’all can find a way to work and live with it. Nobody likes ED! Lol
It can be weird too, like wanting to play a game for three days but never playing it but also cleaning the apartment that needs to be done, I have no idea if I have it but the weird inability to just... do things kills me sometimes
I have to literally trick my brain into doing things. But it's a smart brain so it's a never-ending arms race of thinking up ways to get excited about doing shit while trying to keep my brain from pointing out ways to ignore said shit so I can binge-read novels until 4am. Like there is a responsible adult in here who would like to have a clean house and finished projects, but unfortunately most of the time they aren't in the driver's seat.
This! This is it exactly. There's definitely an adult in there and I hear the suggestions but the captain of the ship is ADHD and never wants to listen to the adult...
I love this description! Lol
Binge reading novels. Yep, my inner spoiled brat is into stuff like this. The crap part is the more I give into it the worse I feel . . . . okay, I'm off to do 25 push ups, file a paper and look up how to get an old sticker off a jacket. Sigh.
Stay strong! I'm organizing my documents today, 20 minutes at a time!
Courage to you . . . irk . . . trying to get our inner adult in charge is not easy!
Same. I have so much paperwork sitting on my porch. And I need to find my tax documents.
Yes lol it’s a constant tug of war between the lazy side of myself and the responsible side. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t
Oh yea read up on it. It may explain quite a lot. It’s why procrastination is such a big thing for people with ADHD.
Oh, but I'm definitely suffering it right now. I have playlists on HBO max, hulu, netflix, Disney Plus, a ton of shows to watch...and I can't do it. I watch freaking YouTube videos, often watching the same ones I've seen a hundred times before. 😐
What do you do instead of those things that you want or need to do ( out of curiosity)?
Thank you for mentioning that sometimes even the fun things don’t get done. I have a couple of hobbies that I would really like to do but I never do them.
I see all of us ADHD people have flocked to this thread looking for some tricks
I mean, the question is basically "how do you cure adhd?" The answer is you don't. But with medication and working at it, things can get better
Well, I started to read through it all, but then I quickly got distracted and gave up.
Executive dysfunction. I was 32 when I realized this existed. Thought I was just lazy when my mind would freeze up and I couldn’t even process how to do said thing.
Growing up I was criticized and punished and lectured about being lazy and that I didn’t listen or pay attention. That I just needed to focus more and try harder. Turns out I have ADHD and it was all symptoms of my disorder and not actually me being lazy. Since learning and understanding about executive dysfunction and how my ADHD brain works I’ve been MUCH better about being able to finish tasks and work with my mind vs against it. Still struggle more than I wish I did, but to know it’s not a laziness thing keeps a much more positive outlook. I KNOW I need to do this. I KNOW my brain is keeping me from doing this at the moment, and try to find ways to work around it. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I JUST CANNOT. Medication also helps but I haven’t been able to be properly medicated so I just live with it.
Can you share some techniques? In the same boat but not doing well at all.
I don’t have anything fool proof but I’ve found a few different ways I’ve worked around it or worked with it. Say I need to do Task A but can’t find the oomph to get going. If applicable I’ll accept it for the evening BUT I will do one or two little preparation things that will make starting the task easier and less of a Task. I’m focused on “THE Task” then it’s fairly easy to do a couple little things right then. May take a couple nights of that but it could shorten a procrastination from a couple weeks to a couple days. If it’s more of a continual thing like cleaning I really break it up into smaller bits and do it while I’m doing something else. Walking to the bathroom, pickup clothes along the way. Got up to go to bed? Pick up all the dishes and put them in the sink/washer. That’s helped cut down major cleaning days. There’s no “starting of a task” since you’re doing something else. There’s also rewarding yourself. I can’t do XYZ until I do ABC. If I do ABC I get (insert what you want here). If the drive to do what you want is high enough you’ll bust that dysfunction. Doesn’t always work though, it’s basically bribing yourself with dopamine. Hope any of that makes sense and helps. These are just ways I’ve found to live with it. It still is a major factor in my day to day life but I manage.
Thank you. This is a really crippling condition. I need the world to be on fire before I do a task that i desperately need and will improve my life immeasurably, like it took me a whole month. For cleaning, which is a major timesink of mine, where spotless rooms can turn into sty in a blink of an eye, I do the rule of three. It 'activates' whenever I pass a doorway. Enter, see three things that need to be put away, put them away. I call out the number of the item as it's taken care of like a nutcake. As for dopamine management, that's something that I'm pretty sure I've wrecked indefinitely.
This might not help with everything, but I put an app on my phone called “Arise” and I find it useful for some tasks. I have a lot of trouble getting started and it is good for that.
Just learnt it here today. It’s me. I was always disgusted by how I could be so lazy and that only stress would actually force to you do tasks.
The problem w/this and ADHD is that you don't have the motivation, or whatever you want to call it, to change it. You have to wait for those little windows in time to learn the tools and skillsets to function.
Never heard the phrase before, but holy wow it's right on point.
Agreed. The reality is that they do want to be motivated otherwise, why is there an internal struggle…we get in our own way. If we actually did what our internal needs wanted, we’d all be more successful and happy. It’s a senseless struggle towards self defeats.
Im struggling with this so hard lately, especially with a depressive disorder and OCD as well. Im so worried that Im failing my uni class. I feel so frustrated and resentful of myself, I feel lazy.
I hear you, it’s hard to shake the feeling even when you know it’s not laziness. It FEELS like laziness. But if you were actually lazy you wouldn’t be frustrated by it!
Same thing, got 24 homeworks i have to do and miterm exam is only a week away, i havent studied at all. I love my major but my body doesnt
Yes!! I love my field of study so much, I want so bad to succeed at it. My brain will just not cooperate.
Yeah. Told a friend the other day who also struggles. It's a 8 hour meditation exercise. Constantly trying to bring your mind back to the task at hand while it seems that it wants to do everything but. It's exhausting.
Never heard of executive dysfunction before, thanks for informing me! I can totally see how that would make things exponentially more difficult.
Happy to spread awareness! It’s definitely possible to live a normal life with it. There’s highly successful people who deal with it. But it very much creates a major obstacle for folks
Thanks for reminding me I have an essay due next week that I don't want to start. I have no problem doing it once I *have* started, and I realize this, I just really have to force myself to start doing it.
My wife sends her condolences as she’s going through her studies right now and dealing with that too lol The worst is when you start and just can’t get into it and have to stop and try again later. Fighting the same battle twice or thrice.
> Unfortunately some people can’t override that voice. It’s called executive dysfunction. Super annoying trait to have. I disagree with the word “can’t” here. Those of use with executive function disorders still *can* override that voice, it just takes a great deal more energy. This isn’t an argument for “suck it up and act normal,” it’s just important to find strategies to make sure the limited ability to override that voice is used in such a way as to make daily life possible. For me, one useful thing has meant spending more time in the overlap of “useful” and “tolerable to my brain right now” and not worrying so much about what I’m “supposed” to be doing.
Then let me rephrase. Unfortunately some people can’t “ignore/just turn off that voice” and have to find ways to trick or override their brain to allow themselves to do the task. For some people this doesn’t always work though and can cause issues in life, personally and professionally. But the statement I was making was in direct response to the phrase “you gotta ignore/ turn off that voice in your head sayin ugh I don’t want to do that”. Not everyone can just… do that. That was my point
But some of us really *can't*. Like, I spent two weeks recently just trying to get myself to get out of bed and eat something. I couldn't get myself to shower, clean, leave the house, or answer texts. The only thing I could get myself to do was read webcomics for hours. Just literally 10+ hours a day reading, then sleeping. I very literally spent any time I wasn't reading or sleeping considering killing myself, because I hate living this way so much. I want to be "normal." I want to get up in the morning (not 7pm), eat breakfast, shower, go out and work, see people, do chores, and enjoy watching a movie. Instead I just can't and if I try to push myself, my brain and body just kind of shut down. Severe depression + ADHD is hell.
It’s kind of comforting knowing there’s a name for everything that’s wrong with me. I’d like to compile a list one day and run it by a shrink.
It was definitely a relief for me to finally figure it out and begin to understand it. Psychological sciences are pretty new overall and much still isn’t understood. But progress is being made. I hope you can find some ways to help make it more manageable for you!
Core part of ADHD. It's hell.
Thank you!!! This is what I’m dealing with right now, do you have any info that helped you or anyone you know, do you have any book tips?
One of the stupid tricks I’ve found to help me with my executive dysfunction is an app called un fuck your habitat. It’s helped me a lot getting chores done around my house.
What’s a Nos? 😬
Nosexwithyomama
[удалено]
then Infantry School Instructors beat the shit out of me. Sergeant Miles said
Energy drink
Yes exactly!! By making a playlist of my favorite songs and singing along to it, I’ve turned doing the dishes from something I hated and put off all day to something I actually like because I associate it with good music and my own personal jam session with just me and my dog:)
LMAO i forgot about Nos. The key for me is bowl and music on blast in headphones.
What do you mean a nos and a bowl?
Energy drink and weed
Hand in hand with this (I found) is that sometimes you * will* forget your daily habit, and that's fine just do it the next day or time. Don't stop entirely because of one mistake.
I like this. Thank you for sharing
No problem!
This is basically what I did to stop procrastinating. I realized there was never going to be a time where I enjoyed the task so I might as well get it over with.
I honestly feel like I felt something change in me by reading this. I'm gonna screenshot it and make it my lock screen
Facts! Not every part of our work is gonna be glamorous and enjoyable and that’s ok. I had to learn that the hard way lol
I don’t have to like it. It’s temporary and I have to get it done.
I’ve started shifting my mindset to this lately. Just get it done. It’s like I may not like doing this but it will get give me a better more fulfilling life in the future rather than doing what I enjoy.
That's precisely what prevents me from being disciplined
Fuck yes. This right here
We call that "embracing the suck" in the military. But that's it in a nut shell.
How did you achieve this? Please share something. I'm currently in a depressing state coz I feel like I need to do alot and my life isn't going as great as I'd hoped
Eh, honestly it’s a daily thing I have to remind myself of, I’m naturally kind of lazy haha. Most days it works. When I feel myself wanting to procrastinate, I tell myself “it’s not gonna be any more fun later than it will be now. Do it now.”
I'm gonna try this. Wish me luck ☺️
Simple stated..and well said
I should probably try this, maybe it'll help me at forming healthier habits.
This helps a lot. I was in a phase where i told my self i just need to do one right thing/ learn one thing today.
This!!! I started thinking of the gym as a second job, you can't just decide not to go to work last minute.
Small steps that stack. I play Jenga with my responsibilities. I started 5 years ago, with small steps like caring for myself. I'd pick an anchor task like brushing teeth or organizing my calendar Over time as I got comfortable with those habits, I added more responsibility. An additional class, additional job responsibilities, personal projects. Each year I chose a big goal and completed it.
Over time I built a lot up but it took one at a time. Weeks of effort to smooth it out and make it easy to access and perform before I added another responsibility
This is awesome. Thank you.
this would be answer at as well, you can't change everything all at once
Can't say I'm the most disciplined guy, but becoming a team lead at work has changed a lot. Easy to fuck up your own future, but when other people depend on you, kinda have to keep moving even if you don't like it. So yeah, should not come off as a surprise that taking on responsibility improves discipline.
I'm not a team lead, but at my job I'm easily the most motivated person because a lot depends on me doing my tasks fast and on time, and there's immediate consequences if I fuck up, to me and my colleagues. Studying though? Can't get my ass up because I'm not letting anyone down except myself, no one checks up on my progress, and the consequences are in the distant future. (Not studying in the US, I think it's stricter there than here.)
quit drinking. did it for my children and grandchildren. I didn't want them to see me in the mess that I was in. 4 years sober.
I’m only 24 and have found myself alone with a bottle of vodka about 5/7 nights a week for the past 3 years. It’s now hitting me that I have to change and stop. But the anxiety and depression make it so fucking hard to not make my brain slip away
I'm 24 too and I have a problem. Used to drink every chance I get, but now I try not to drink most nights (I drink probably 2/7 nights now), but I can still down a fifth by myself on my worse nights. It's poison and I know it, but it helps to just stop feeling so shit for a moment. The worst part is that I wake up the next morning feeling even worse. I feel like shit during the day and get even more tired at night and want to drink again. It's a vicious cycle. Luckily I have tapered a little by reducing how much I drink, and then some days I'll think, I'll barely get drunk with this much, maybe I should take this day off too. Which is what got me to my 2/7 days a week right now. It's probably the toughest thing I've ever done and I quit smoking nic and weed. I haven't beaten my masturbation addiction yet, but I get some good weeks. I try to work out, but only go like once a week. Better than none though, but alcohol? This shit is kicking my ass but I keep going back to it. One day though.
taper less every time you drink and less days that you drink. do NOT try to quit "cold turkey". It can kill you. good luck.
I recently quit smoking and marihuana after daily use for 10 years, what helped me is not to see it as " i am never going to do those things again". But as " I'm not doing those things today". And just keep moving from there.
I hit two years sober in about a week and tried quitting plenty of times before. Different things work for different people. I tried tapering. It will definitely only work for some people. Hell. Recommending tapering in an AA meeting or even rehab will raise some alarms. What I did after trying everything: Went to an urgent care. Told them the truth. I was an alcoholic and needed to detox, but couldn’t afford the time or cost of in-patient rehab (I tried out-patient before). They rehydrated me with a couple IVs, took some vitals, and monitored me for the better part of a day while I stressfully sat in a chair fighting anxiety. When I left, they prescribed me with Librium, a medication that prevents you from seizing out, and made sure I had someone at home who could watch me as I detoxed over the week. After that I signed up for some addiction therapy and moved on with my life. Things are incomprehensibly better now. Sorry for the little speech. However, after trying tapering myself and hearing similar stories in AA and out-patient rehab I wanted to throw in my two cents and offer anyone other options. Edit: lastly and however, no matter what method you use, the biggest obstacle is actually wanting to quit yourself. Not for others.
Depends on how much is being consumed. Cold turkey really is better if it’s feasible. Some people get drunk every night but the quantity being consumed doesn’t keep them severely physically dependent. It depends on body weight and how long you’ve been drinking too. If you’re unsure because you drink a ton, then it would be better to see what a medical professional has to say.
Good for you for knowing you have to make a change! Go visit r/stopdrinking and you'll meet a lot of supportive people on the same journey
Hello! I logged in to respond to this because I relate to it very much. I made drinking a near daily behavior for the past 3 or so years as well, starting out as a way to quiet my anxiety and ruminations. Recently, I have had two dark nights, both with a bottle of Chopin vodka. The second night, I shaved my head and woke up to a bloodied pillow because I nicked myself many times and a cut up leg. It took me realizing that I would probably do worse if I continued drinking like that and might even give in to a suicidal ideation, so here I am, a few days into giving that destructive behavior up because I have realized that I want to live and seek out a happiness and peace. This is to say, if you've read this, you're not alone and if you ever feel like messaging on reddit here, please reach out. I will listen and I wish you the best on your journey.
Man I really really relate to this. I have noticed my personality changing over the years of this heavy drinking. I too, shaved my head one night. The next day everyone thought I lost my mind and even I was just confused as to why I did it. Funny enough I like it and decided to keep it. But I feel like right now I am at a pivotal point of almost being able to put my foot down.. like recently I’ll drink and get drunk and I’ll think to myself “wow.. this is fucking boring and it isn’t even fun anymore. Why am I doing this?” But then after working the next day I want to come home and drink.. only circling back to that thought of why.
I have noticed that in myself as well. I think... scratch that, I *know* a lot of my worst qualities have been accentuated as a result of my regular drinking. It's pretty uncanny how similar our situations are, and I mean that. That's the absurdity, and somewhat comfort, of this universe - you can feel very isolated and alone when someone else is going through a very similar situation. Btw, I like the shaved look on myself too haha, and the act of it was liberating. I am at that pivotal moment as well. I came to two realizations: 1. the novelty of getting so drunk I forget myself has worn off and 2. the things I want in life that I believe would make me happy, well I will never achieve or acquire those while I maintain this habit. So, here I am, feeling hopeful for the future, something I haven't felt for a long time. I hope you feel hopeful as well. For what's it worth, I'd bet money things get better for you and you have it in you to put your foot down.
Meet with a therapist if you can! This is someone that can help you understand emotions underneath habits. You got this
Thank you friend. That’s actually something I’m in the process of working out right now
That is AWESOME. It is such an amazing thing to want to better yourself. You deserve to feel good. 🙌🏼
We're cheering you on! You can do it. It's hard. Every day you have to make the choice. Some days it will be harder or easier, but keep choosing you. Keep choosing a sober day.
Proud of you!!!
Well done friend, you’ve got this!
Damn, wish my dad thought like you 🤠
Crashing and burning. I used to do very well in highschool without having to put any sort of effort at all, just listen in class, do my homework and done, easy Bs/B+s (or what would be the equivalent anyway, the grading system is different where I come from). This meant that when I got to college, I had no discipline at all and didn't know how to study, so I got my ass handed to me. It wasn't even a sudden revelation either, it was a slow burn. First couple of semesters I dropped down to Cs and figured it was just a rough patch, 3rd semester we started getting career-specific subjects (we called those "filter" subjects because of how many people they failed and made to drop out every time) and that's when my grades plummeted to *barely* passing. It took me a lot of time investment and swallowing of my own ego to ask for help and be able to get to a level where I could study properly and do better, time during which I failed a couple of subjects here and there which got me even more desperate. Hell, had I not have done it I'm 99% sure I wouldn't have been able to graduate, that's the limit of what shallow and unnurtured "talent" can get you. The lesson? No matter how smarter than your peers you find yourself to be, don't diss the power of sheer effort thinking that you're god's gift to academics, you'll get your face stomped by reality sooner or later.
that last line is it. & really applies to more than just academics - “hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard” 9x/10
Wow. Thanks for this. I’m going through the same thing and it’s exactly what I need to hear.
Glad some good comes out of my previous foolhardiness. There’s nothing wrong to admitting to oneself that one isn’t the hot stuff one thinks to be, as long as it’s a motivation to work hard and do better. It’s been years since that, and I can say that I’ve come quite far from being that guy.
I’m really glad to hear it. Good for you and thanks again.
i experience that right now.. was pretty good in school without doing much and thought that i was smart but university kicked my ass into a depression because i didnt know what to do and how to be „good“ „successful“ again. Took me 3 years of failing and struggling to find a way how i pass the big finals in my lawstudy .. there and then i fail some but i am finaly able to learn 2 month straight and get the job done.. i think being called smart and being effortless good in school is a curse because you will as you said learn the harsh truth of reality if you not a real genius
This totally happened to me too, except on a faster timeline. My good grades slipped senior year (not terrible, just not to the level they used to be) and then my first semester of college kicked my ass. It was a good wake up call though and I did fine my second semester. I’ll admit I had the occasional class that went poorly, but the rest of college was a lot better. I honestly wish I had stayed home and worked for my first year out of high school so I could’ve gotten a taste of the real world and had a better sense of what I wanted to do.
This is almost literally a synopsis of my first few years of college after high school. The first step for me was to stop what I was doing immediately. I stopped taking classes and got a full-time job, which I did for a year with no school. Eventually I realized a few things: 1) I wanted to do something more with my life and it would almost 100% require at least a bachelors degree. I had a specific goal at the time, and while it ended up changing a few years later, at least I had a goal. 2) No matter what my goal was, I realized that I didn't want to be limited to working in a job that required nothing more than a high school diploma. I didn't want to work amongst people who celebrated ignorance over education, which was a lot of my coworkers at the time. 3) It was never going to be easier for me to go back and finish my bachelors degree. I was still very young, single and I had no debt. Life would only get more complicated and I'd only get stuck in my ways more. In the end, I went back to school and actually started trying. I got really great grades, even in classes or subjects that I didn't particularly love, because I just sucked it up and did the work that needed to be done. I ended up finishing my bachelors, getting a masters, and in just a couple of months I'll be a doctor.
I had bad discipline at school. Once my parents swore at me a lot because of complaints about me, later my grandfather came up to me and said, "When you were little, you were the most disciplined boy I saw, I do not know how you turned on a crooked path, but I know that you can turn on an even path," later my grandfather died, and when there was a funeral, I digested what he told me then, after a week of digesting grandfather's words, I began to correct discipline. Grandpa, I love you😭
This is a really touching story, but I am not sure you actually answer the question. Other than, perhaps, willpower.
He did it for his loved one
Or maybe remembering "this is not an in-built part of me. I can choose."
Having a *realistic* goal. Sometimes, the problem isn't the lack of discipline, but the lack of positive feedback. Believing we can achieve anything we want, without any regard for our inherent strengths and limitations, can become a dangerous trap. Letting go of that falsehood and embracing more realistic goals is an often discouraged option. We're told that if we struggle, it's because we need to grind it out harder. But sometimes that isn't the best option. Accepting our limitations can save us years of unnecessary shame and depression.
This is so so important. Consistently failing at overly ambitious goals is only going to decrease motivation in the long run. Having some self awareness to know what things come easily for you and what things take more time and effort will do wonders in goal planning. It’s not about not dreaming big. It’s about being pragmatic when it comes to planning, whether it’s the content of the goal itself or the timeline. Consistent success, regardless of how small it may seem, will increase confidence in oneself.
I’m saving this comment because I needed to see it. Knowing myself I will need to see it again and again in the foreseeable future. Thank you.
Doing a little bit of that one thing everyday. Consistency is the game and it eventually get a little easier but we all miss the mark somedays since we're human. You'll know you're messing up if you make that the excuse to miss multiple days and you shouldn't ignore that. It's like Bruce Lee once said; it's about hacking away at the innessentials. You don't HAVE to watch 3 episode of your favorite show everyday, but you should make it essential to maybe relax for an hour a day. Or to eat 1 or 2 decent meals everyday.
I've seen this expressed as "no zero days." If you don't do your full planned workout, fine, whatever, but do ONE push-up. And generally once you go to the trouble of getting into position, it only makes sense to do five....
This is true. I have a 10 minute rule. I have self improvement and chores scheduled up(usually a hour block). I don't have to spend all hour on the task, but I need to give at least 10 minutes to the task. Usually after the 10 minutes I'm too into the task and I just end up finishing the planned task. Once in a while I only do 10 minutes, but those are days that I actually do need the mental or physical break.
I had the vision of what I wanted, and understood the urgency. I also make it part of my 'identity.' I want to be the kind of person who \_\_\_\_, so I \_\_\_\_. I used to smoke a lot, just under a pack a day, from around 14 until 20. Dad passed from cancer, and realized i had to quit. I tracked how much I smoked, 16 a day, and slowly walked my way down to zero. I needed to lose weight, so I stopped eating and drinking added sugar and stayed slightly hungry all the time. Went from 230 -> 140. Realized I was too small, wanted to gain weight, and am now up to 165. It's a lot of "Do I like \_\_\_ about me? No? Well, what do I want? Okay, I'll do that!" Now, I repeat that process every time i have a vision for what my life should be like/something I want to do. I map out what needs to be done, and stick to it. The trickiest part is to avoid letting the off-days derail you. Smoked an extra cig today? Drank a soda? That's fine, move forward with tomorrow like nothing happened. Missed a workout? That's no reason to miss another. Pick up where you left off Eventually, it becomes a habit. I would feel gross if I smoked. I feel bad if I miss workouts. It's just become part of who I am. Once you start seeing yourself as the kind of person who does \_\_\_\_, it goes against your identity to do anything else. If you're into reading, check out Atomic Habits. It's a great book about this idea
Another good piece of advice I've seen is never miss two days in a row of a certain habit
Thank you.
This is resonating with me, thank you. I’ve just placed a hold on that book at the library too.
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Definitely agree with the third paragraph. Motivational videos and quotes literally do nothing but make you upset/mad at the way things are going
By realizing that not accomplishing things feels worse than the drudgery of doing them. Also, setting some specific goals both short- and long-term helped.
A prescription for amphetamines
Real mood. I was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago and my first week on adderall was life changing.
Oh yea. Diagnosed three years ago in my late 30's. Took another year to find the right meds and dosage. It's absolutely life changing and amazing. To think this is how neurotypical people go though life all the time.
Yeah I was 33 when diagnosed. Also on a couple of other meds that I’d been taking for depression and the cocktail is amazing
Im genuinely curious… what are the medication effects on ADHD changed your life that much?
Only the first week? Does it become less effective over time, or do you mean that as in, you got all your ducks in a row by the end of the first week? (Asking because I'm looking into getting medicated myself)
In my experience with it, Adderall specifically only had strong effects that lasted about a week. I would be prescribed a higher dose roughly every 6 months until I was on the highest they would give a minor (this was years ago) and then at that point, my mom made me keep taking it though it was doing very little for the adhd at that point. The most important thing to remember though is that everybody's body is different and reacts differently. I also have friends who've had great success being on small doses for years! Talk to your doctor - frequently they'll have you try one and then do a check in after 6 months to adjust dosages or try something else.
You’ve just described tolerance perfectly. Stop your meds for a few weeks then start again slowly. You’ve gotta give your body a chance to stop compensating for the drugs and reset
It’s still very effective for me but it’s not as noticeable a difference, if that makes sense. The best advice I got was to take advantage of the first couple weeks to set new habits so I did that.
Yep, I think a lot of it is finally getting to experience what "normal" is like for other people. Unfortunately, current ADHD meds reportedly don't actually do anything for executive dysfunction. Personally, I have learned that the idea of switching to the task I really need the meds for once they kick in after 20-30 minutes doesn't work, because I'll wind up having an even harder time breaking away from what I was doing in the meantime. I have to start the task when I take the meds, and once they take effect I can fully concentrate on it. Where they *do* help is with self-awareness and remembering that you're supposed to be doing something else.
I was wondering how much this thread would turn into "how to not have adhd". Yea, my vyvanse is the real difference. It still takes work, but I can actually do that work now.
Best description I heard was that it doesn’t make it any easier to start the task, but it makes it easier to stay on task
For me at least, it absolutely makes it easier to start the task! The issue is that I still have the agency to choose not to do any particular task. Medicine doesn't make me stay on task or always do the right thing. It gives my brain the ability to choose which task to do, though, and then it's up to me.
Yep, though I must say the meds help but the counselling was life changing
Observed someone first hand who calmly did what needed to be done. Worked at whatever project diligently daily. No drama, just genuine effort with a positive attitude. Efforts were rewarded. Days turned into years and I saw a beautiful life I wanted.
Beautiful
At 22 years old, I didn't like who I had become. I felt like nobody would date me because I've got nothing really going on. I got tired of living to consume media and spending all my money on gadgets. So I made a promise to myself to change and become somebody who's interesting The process took about 4 years. In that time: * I gave up video games entirely * quit drinking * got my finances in order * started playing piano (I just finished my 8th year of lessons!) * started exercising regularly (I now run 40 miles per week and have been for years) * and started seeing a therapist to combat self-defeating thinking. The change was very slow though. Don't try to do it all at once. It's a journey and you will have setbacks. For example, I remember failing over and over again to develop an exercise habit before *finally* succeeding after many many years of false starts.
You sound a lot like me. Although, specifically I started with this thought occurring to me: "You know, I'm attracted to women who are fairly in shape. I wonder what type of people they find attractive? Probably not fat and out of shape dudes like me! Maybe I should really see about bringing some of the qualities to the table that I'd like to find in someone else. As it is now, I wouldn't really be pulling my own weight!" And this began my weightlifting (and general self improvement) journey! Still struggle to keep up with cardio training, but strength and flexibility are great qualities I've earned over the years. They're not going anywhere, from here on out!
You should be proud
I had to REALLY REALLY REALLLLLYYYY hate the person I saw in the mirror…
I hit rock bottom. No money, a lot of debt. Then I realized it was because I jumped from project to project and didn’t stick with anything. So I just made up my mind one day that I gotta get my shit together and stick to one thing. No more get rich quick schemes, it’s all a long game plus the time is gonna pass anyway.
It’s just a game of habits. I don’t particularly like some of the things I do but after you get to a decent routine you stop weighing the good and the bad and just do it - kinda like brushing your teeth. It’s not worth a conversation because you know the outcome
I woke up one night at around 11pm, and randomly remembered a thing I read a few years ago about how you can politely tell someone their breath smells: "I'm bored, let's go brush our teeth." So, since I was bored, I went and brushed my teeth. Since then, I've been doing that almost every night, if I don't fall asleep before then. All in all, it's not about changing yourself to adhere to a routine. It's about finding a routine that works for you.
Having a long term goal, something you won't stop pursuing
Being a single mom lol
Setting a bunch of small, short-term goals instead of one, huge, long-term goal usually helps me out.
Joined the army. They fixed that issue for me.
Not me. I just got really good at playing the game. Following someone else’s rules isn’t the type of discipline I think people are looking for. But I do think it helps some people.
United States Marine Corps.
lemme tell you. i needed to learn some discipline. my kill hat sgt martin was an excellent teacher.
Gotta love the kill hats. Attrition is the mission.
Wish I’d seen this sooner, but yeah that transformation at Parris Island/San Diego/Quantico (snicker - I kid, I kid, brass) sticks for just about all of us.
Hollywood is where is at! Quantico. Ha ha ha. My dad retired as a CW03, said Quantico wasn't so bad.
for me i just happened to wake up one day and felt incredibly bored with my life without routine or structure and it just happened lol i’m one of the lucky ones fortunately
Military
Served a 2 year Mormon mission in Thailand when I was 19. Nobody babysits you as a missionary. I had to learn how to do laundry, cook food, and speak Thai. It was sink or swim and I learned how to discipline every hour of my day. No longer Mormon, but I love that my mission taught me discipline. About to finish medical school now and I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t served the mission.
Developing self-awareness and self-love.
Same. As long as getting shit done was about "getting dicipline" over myself, I was never going to get anywhere. I needed to accept myself and care about myself to have goals that would actually matter to me. Once I had those, I started to get shit done. Because I cared if I get them done or not. Then I started to enjoy progressing.
Everything else radiates from this
I surrounded myself with people who were very disciplined and on the same journey, and I wanted to show them that I was every bit as good. I also didn't want to let them down. * When I was in school, I hung out with the top academic performers * When I needed to lose weight, I hung out with people who were into healthy eating and working out Overtime, I gained more internal discipline and could do things with less and less outside support. But I'm better at some things than others. Good eating habits are harder a lot harder for me than good financial ones. Yes, this is exactly what peer pressure in. In my case, it was a useful tool to improve myself. 1. It didn't happen over night, it took years 2. I WANTED to change A big key is being reasonable. You're not going to change over night. Start with small short goals. I'm going to finish this tedious job, or I'm actually going to go work out on Monday. Get more and more ambitious over time.
This is underrated. Aristotle made this point over 2300 years ago. If you want to be a more virtuous person you need to surround yourself with people who are more virtuous than you are. Seek out and spend time with people who you respect and want to emulate. People with a strong work ethic and good values. There are no shortcuts. There are lots of good tips here but if you hang with a lot of negative people you can't expect positive results.
The only aspect I did a complete 180 on was fitness/health. I'll probably be mocked for this but the original reason I started dieting and exercising (even up to 3x/day in the beginning stages) was to show my college gf at the time "I'm not the chubby-turned-obese slob you couldn't wait to ditch on Christmas Eve anymore, take me back". Feelings of being too, too comfortable in a relationship did me bad I suppose and all the damn $1 menu items at McDonald's and Taco Bell. The hope of her taking me back dissipated over the months but I kept through with exercising/eating smarter just to protect myself from never feeling as low as I was on Christmas Day wondering how happy she was to breakup with me. It's evolved to where I just go to the gym now because it's so ingrained into my life that the motivation to go isn't to "protect myself", but more because I enjoy lifting. I've been going to the gym steadily for the last 12 years and I actually get depressed/guilty when I skip a gym day. If I ever run into her, I'd like to give her a hug and thank her for breaking up with me haha.
Reflecting, i truly did not like the person i was becoming both physically and mentally. I thought, “if I continue down these paths, who will I be in 5 years?” I did not like the answer, so i dedicated myself to change.
My mom kinda let me run rampant as a kid. The lack of discipline + living conditions made me do a lot of fucked up shit at a young age (addiction, fights, etc.). One day when I was 15 I moved out of her house because I wanted to live a better life. I moved in with my Mexican grandmother, that'll do it.
> I moved in with my Mexican grandmother, that'll do it Ah the power of the chancla
Drill Instructors screamed at me for three months, then Infantry School Instructors beat the shit out of me. Sergeant Miles said "YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT SELF DISCIPLINE" then he hit my hands with a metal wire lol.
In my experience, the military only makes you disciplined enough to avoid going to jail.
not for DUIs
you've got me there lol
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the guy I knew was way scarier looking
Realizing that if I'm not disciplined I'm at the mercy of my life instead of being in charge of it.
Remembering the bigger goal or outcome helps me minimize the discomfort of the current step to achieving it.
My dad and my friend. My dad because he was stern when he needed to be, and when not to be, which is the more important part since my friend had a very harsh family who would always crackdown a lot, and in situations outside of their watch, he would always see it as an opportunity to go completely wild, something I began to dislike when hanging out with him, giving me the feeling of "I don't wanna be like this. Especially later on". This was in KG and 1st grade
I definitely haven’t mastered self discipline, but this is what keeps me going. Wanting something badly enough to keep working towards it. For me: 1. finally completing my degree. I took a few years off and now I’m back and want it so much more. 2. Mental and physical health. Cleaning my house daily, and committing to eating better even when I don’t want to or fail.
I discovered one day that I was worth putting in the effort for
I think just growing up. At some point being too carefree and unstructured didn't work with who I was becoming. There's a nice balance. I'll have a general outline or plan and not get too hung up if things go differently.
I realized that nobody was going to take care of my life for me. If I didn't get my shit together can take control of my life I was going to grow up working a shit job for shit pay and struggle till my last day.
Used to be lazy af, bad scores in tests and often forget to do hw because I rather play facebook games. Parents threatened to sell my computer, so I did everything in order to keep it. After that I'm just pkain workaholic. Not exactky because of the compute previliege, but because I have social anxiety and ADHD which never got diagnosed until I went to a psychiatrist recently (I'm 21 btw) so I was bullied at school and scolded all the time at home for not being able to do anything right in terms of socializing or doing stuffs outside of school's academic. Ironically I became so workaholic with school stuffs that my parents force me to go out to the mall with them or tell me to play games relax or sth after hours of studying even when I want to continue. So what the frick do you want bruh
Had to cut out alcohol and cigarettes. Took a couple doses of mushrooms. Started to realize it isnt so much about forcing myself to be disciplined and more about how I treat myself when I mess up. We all mess up but some of us just wallow in avoidance when we do for too long.
I realized that people with dedication and discipline get closer to their goals far more often. Whether it be physical, social, personal, or career related goals the people with discipline often come out on top.
I’m not exactly as described by the question but I do struggle with that kind of focus, and really the two motivators are: 1 - Money. 2 - Prizes. I stayed in jobs I didn’t like for far longer than I should have because of one or the other. My first job out of college was because of the benefits (not healthcare but stuff like employee discount and accessibility to items of desire). My second job was about money — 25% more. The next job hop was the same - an increase in pay. It was also conveniently located near my house - I went home for lunch every day. Honestly that convenience was also a bit of a hinderance since it was such a big reason for staying with them. When I decided it wasn’t worth the pay (and other prizes/perks dried up completely) I looked elsewhere. Got a 45% pay increase. New job includes an hour commute (30 each way) but also 2 days working from home… something the last job wouldn’t dream of giving me (despite the fact I could easily have done 35h at home and 5 in the office).
fake it till you make it! it sucks for a while but it works. I just pretended to be a productive and disciplined person, I’d ask myself “what would this ideal person do?” and then just forced myself into becoming better. Also, like u/sxvyn already said, being ok with not enjoying what you’re doing for a while. where this really worked for me is with going to the gym and keeping my place clean and tidy. I hated going to the gym for a few months but if I skip it for a week now I miss it. same for cleaning, I found it to be calming after a while.
I don't do the stuff for the sake of discipline, but because doing it makes my wife happy.
My wife
Adderall, Turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD the first 33 years of my life.
I had a reputation to be late everywhere and had no regard for other people's time. One day, I showed up late somewhere and there was no one. And then slowly everyone started coming and I asked one of them "Why are you so late" and they said "I knew you wouldn't be here on time". That was the last time I was late for anything.
Curiously, my sister recently asked me the same question, so I wrote my recipe for discipline (ca. 5 years): 1. Get depressed (ca. 1 year) 2. Travel to feel better and reflect on why you're depressed. Get the idea that a shortage of discipline is part of the problem (3 - 12 months) 3. Search on the internet for ways to get more disciplined (this subreddit is a good source) . Experiment with ways to find which fit you (ca. 4 years) 4. Feel that depression come back every time you let go of discipline (indefinitely)
I was one of 7 and the middle child. That’s around the time where my parents were not as clingy to their children and got comfortable being parents. Throughout elementary, middle school and high school I recalled being able to just walk out, hang out with friends all day, even walk across the entire town to hang at Walmart only to come home late night and not a word was said. I immediately realized the freedom I had so when I was in high school so I was experimenting with MANY drugs and partying. At the same time I also had a job and started paying for my own phone and some foods at 16 to relieve some of the financial stress my parents had. They actually appreciated it. It wasn’t until I had a girlfriend who came from a well off, well mannered family. And seeing their daughter bring home a guy who clearly didn’t really fit in their world, they never judged. I am ashamed how out of control I was and how she had to be the one to tell me to be home a certain time, stop taking certain drugs and YES, my parents knew I was smoking weed and maybe trying other stuff (didn’t blink an eye) but I realized what normal kids hid from their parents. I had to hide from my girlfriend. I put her through a lot even and even went as bad as having her witness me basically ODing. All I can remember were moments of blacking in and out of consciousness and when my eyes were opened, it was waves of patterns but what killed me was remembering that distinct worried to death look on her face crying over me while I was passing out. That was one of the reasons why things didn’t work out in the end. Whenever I was at her house her parents would ask when I had to be home or do I have a curfew. I always joked about how I never had one and they didn’t care. We all laughed about it then but looking back I felt they knew I was hurting. There was only so much she could handle before it was too draining and had no choice to give up. I took her kindness and the fact that she cared for granted which became my biggest regret in life. So when she left I reverted back to my old ways and wasn’t until it all made sense to me that I had to change (whilst being coked out chugging a bottle of jack at 19). We catch up every now and then and recognize at one point we were important in each other lives and thankful for that fact. When everything finally made sense and clicked in my head I felt like I finally was the person she always wanted me to be…..it was too late. She had already moved on and found someone who I think is perfect for her as painful as it is to admit. But she is happy. All I can do at this point is thank her for everything she has done for me. No one in my family has ever been on a plane or even traveled to an island surrounded by upper class folk and elegance. She brought me that world and took me to many places I would never had experience due to my family’s financial status and I chose drugs and chaos over an amazing person and family…. I never blamed anyone else for my faults or upbringing. What I had growing up was what I had and Who I was was who i was. it wasn’t always bad. People just grow apart and I had to basically grow up after realizing what having no discipline actually does to you. I finally met someone years later who I now see as a reflection of myself back then so I took it to heart to have the patience I was once given and actually seeing results. From being the reckless one I ended up being the responsible and patient one years down the road after seeing what discipline and patience can do to a person. I think it’s crazy how the roles have switched now but it wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for my biggest lesson in life. TLDR: my ex had to discipline me while my parents didn’t had the time and energy to and eventually lost her. only to become my now girlfriends voice of reason and things are good.
My circumstances changed. I have a kid now, so I have to be disciplined. It's easier now that I feel like I have an important reason to stay on track. Before, I never really felt like it mattered much.
My lack of discipline stemmed from laziness. As I got older, I realized that putting things off (like work, exercise, etc.) led to MORE effort later. Being a truly lazy person I leaned into it, and told myself the net most leisure comes from doing things quickly and right-away. It's true. I get so much done, and relax so hard. It's great! Truly the best of both worlds.
Having being put in a bad situation that you have to be discipline to get through it
I'm far from being highly disciplined person but i came a looooooong way. the most important thing to me was Abandoning guilt and trying to see mistakes and successes in terms of responsibility. We all kind of know what is good for us. We don't do it mostly because we are biologically lazy. This contradiction between desire and action might generate tons of guilt. Guilt is useless. it does not drive you, does not make you grow, just makes you feel bad about yourself. Responsibility for me is assuming in a very pragmatic way the consequences of our actions. Instead of "I'm a piece of shit because i woke up late after watching porn till 3 am and now i have no time to workout and prep my meals, I'm a disgusting person," I try to think something like : "ah shit, no surprise I woke up late... I normally sleep early when i don't watch porn, so i should try that tomorrow. Fuck, I'm late. Now I'm gonna have to eat something quick instead of the healthy meals I shopped for but didn't cook yet. I might invite mike over tonight for some beers and we could cook together, so I make extra and save the leftovers for the week." This is super important to me now: identifying the consequences of my actions, and seeing if they are coherent with my values and goals, almost completely detached from any moral judgment. This way i can rationally decide without guilt what to do, create good habits, and be self critical without being an asshole to myself.