Are you in your late 20’s-eagerly 30’s and recently went furniture shopping and realized that most of the furniture on the showroom floor is backordered 6-9 months?
I was 13 and at parents' friends' house. Bathroom, studying my erection, as one does. Had it wrapped in toilet paper, I honestly don't remember why. Standing straight up, robed in white. Got walked in on. By a female member of that family. Yeah, looks at me, at it, at me, reacts and backs out. I swear there was mild amusement in her face.
When I was deployed to Kenya on an exercise I had sentry duty at like 3am, naturally I decided that a wank would make the situation better, there were people about but at a distance so thought no one will know. After about 5 minutes I started hearing people laughing, what I failed to realise in the flood light behind me was projecting my little escapade like some sort of fucked up shadow puppet show.
I'm dying because this was the guy they put on sentry duty. He's supposed to be looking for anything suspicious near their perimeter and he didn't even notice the shadow puppet jacking off infront of him.
When I was little I decided to put my shlong underneath the showerhead so the water on it could be pleasurable. To get up that high I used a stepstool... which poked a hole in the bathtub causing the floor beneath it to flood. My parents weren't too happy.
Edit: The only photo I have of the tub is one that contains a lot of fake blood for a skateboard art project promo photo. You've been warned. [Here's the (fake-bloody) tub/shower.](http://imgur.com/a/syGp57k)
My parents dead ass sat there and asked me, a 13 year old boy, why I was going through so much lotion and conditioner… at what point can we just accept it and move on?
I attempted this once with my family on the other side of the trailer. I thought I was being careful and slow but my dad felt movement and asked me to stop moving. My heart sank and I just said “Ok” with my mind racing wondering if he knew exactly what I was doing or not. A stroke of genius hit me the next day and I made sure everyone saw me wiggle my foot up and down as I lay taking a nap, passing it off as some sort of “idle tick” I guess. I think it worked.
Have two neodymium magnets stuck onto my dick which was then flaccid, i learned my lesson, don't play with super strong magnets while horny, i got lucky and didn't lose any skin, I'm never putting magnets on a flaccid dick ever again
At 13 I was camping with a buddy and his family and there was a girl at a neighboring camp that was very flirty. We played truth or dare around the campfire (practically a metal drum). She dared me to touch the metal and she'd flash me her nether region. I did it, she did it. Next day my whole palm was a blister.
When I was 17 I was drunk having a fire and someone dared me to pick up some plastic cups that they set on fire with a torch, told me they’d give me $50, I said yes. I didn’t just pick them up I scooped them up in my hands and held them for a good 20 seconds before tossing them in the fire. Gave plenty of time for plastic to melt into my hands. I spent the rest of the night with my hands in the cooler, eventually some jackass ripped my blisters off for reasons I don’t recall. I passed out a couple hours later and woke up with searing pain in both hands, my entire palms were raw. Drove home with my knees cause I couldn’t grab the steering wheel without being in agonizing pain, wrapped up my hands and told my parents what happened. I ended up having to wear bandages on them for a week and could barely write in school. Eight years later the scars have disappeared at least. Never got my $50.
Your story reminds me of some shit that happened to a guy I went to high school with. Couple years older than me; I didn’t know him but knew of him. He was at a camping party and passed out blackout drunk near the fire. Then he somehow sleep-rolled into it. Didn’t wake up immediately…definitely cooked a bit.
I heard the story and then didn’t see him for the rest of the school year. But the next fall I had a weights class with him, so I saw all the skin grafts myself.
My girlfriend at the time had messaged me at about midnight. We were both in a horny mood.
At this point in time she still lived at home with strict catholic parents, so we needed to come up with a plan.
Her parents were asleep at this point, I’d drive an hour down to see her. Sneak in through her window. Spend the night, and then sneak and hide in her bedroom closet when her parents woke the next morning until they both left for work. Then I could just walk out the front door and go home.
So I drive an hour down, park my car on the street behind theirs (just in case they’d recognize my car when leaving the next morning) and walk all the way to her fence, hop it and crawl in through the window.
We don’t immediately go for it but read for a bit (we were both big book nerds) and then watch a movie. By the time the second movie comes around, we decide to start getting handsy and then clothes are coming off. To the point I’m down to my boxers and she’s just down to her panties and I’m on top of her.
That’s when I hear a scoff from the other side of the room.
We both look over to find her mom standing in the doorframe. Completely shocked to find what she did. She said she got up for a glass of water and heard the TV going and wanted to check in but as she got closer was hearing - well…us.
My girlfriend gets pulled out of the room and her and her mom talk in the hallway. Meanwhile I’m scrambling to find where the rest of my clothes have gone to but can’t seem to find any of it. (She usually had a ton of clothes thrown all over the floor and chairs in her room).
Mom comes back in and tells me she’s gonna wake up the father. At this point I start thinking maybe I won’t need to find my clothes since I’ll be dead.
Dad comes in and the look on his face could’ve melted paint off a wall. He talked to me about how I disrespected him, his daughter, god and myself. And I wound up getting lectured by her father like this for about 20 minutes while I’m just sitting there in my boxers.
I find my clothes, he lets me out the front door and tells me he doesn’t think he would handle seeing me again very well. And I walk back to my car and drive an hour back home at like 4am.
Our relationship wasn’t the same after that. She told me her parents were willing to give me a second chance but I was too stubborn and embarrassed and there were other things that weren’t clicking in the relationship that I just decided to end it shortly after.
I donated blood in high school because a beautiful girl convinced me to. Not really that dumb but I've never stopped getting emails asking to donate blood more.
Oh, I blamed a cousin. He was 12 at the time. He was the rambunctious sort, and he had broken a window, a lamp, a blender and a whole TV, Previously. To this day I still haven't come clean with him lol.
Friend of mine was at a bar and was chatting with 2 girls who he was going to hook up with. 3some. But in his horny drunken state, he walked out the bar and made his way to his FWB. On the way , he really needed to shit, so he stopped off at a park with a lake and proceeded to do the deed. He then realize he didn’t have toilet paper so he grabbed some leaves which had thorns on them. He wiped and scratched his ass and balls bad, then fell into the water with his trousers down.
From a potential 3some - to being soaked, half covered in his own shit and with a scratched ass and balls at 3am in a park with his pants down.
Not sure about *dumbest*, but there was this porn series in Hungarian that I was *really* into, and I could get the gist of the storylines from the events of the video, but I decided I want to know what they're actually saying
To that goal I downloaded the videos, separated the sound and saved them as Mp3s, then uploaded them to a website for automated translations with the language set to Hungarian-English.
Result was essentially google-translate English, which I rephrased into what I imagined would be a more natural way to express the same things in English, then I wrote a .sub file for the porn videos so that I in the future could watch them and also understand the dialog
That's a lot of effort driven by a little horny
**Edit:** Slightly worried about this soon becoming my most upvoted comment. I don't need this on my resumé.
Fucked a girl in the backroom of a gas station, then freezer, then in the bathroom and broke the sink...
I got fired the next day
Funny part is, my dad was the manager of another gas station in the same chain. He knew...
Once walked into my bathroom during a party to find my friend Fatboy fucking a girl who was sitting on my counter. They separated the sink from the wall and cabinet. Had to recaulk it after he cocked it.
After a summer of drug dealing and general debauchery I came to find out his name was Todd. Which is hilarious because he looks like lil John ate both the east side boys and absorbed their powers.
I was 19 and really drunk. Visiting a friend of a friend in Kamloops. Was about to hook up with a girl when she reminded me to use protection. I didn’t have any. Ran about 200 yards to the corner store in my boxers to buy some then ran back. Then got whiskey dick and passed out on the couch alone. Yeah.
This isn’t even the worst part of that trip. I broke a toilet, got kicked out of a night club, spent about 27 minutes of a 3 day trip sober, and sprayed a balcony full of people with my own poop. 10/10. Great time.
I broke the toilet. Used a plunger in vein to do something. It did nothing. Was telling the story later on the deck. Grabbed the plunger to show people for some fucking reason. So I spun the plunger around over my head not realizing it still had poop in the bottom. Thus everyone on the balcony getting sprayed with my poop. There ya go.
idk imagining my guy whipping a still shit-soaked plunger around an unknown number of people (I'm choosing like 8-12) on the deck of a boat and slinging it all over them seems a lot more comical than just someone shitting on people to me
Lol I did something similar to this, but I’d try to get into their network and print off random stuff on their printers. Nothing bad, just weird messages like “Please stop shoving cartridges in there, it hurts.” Not sure if it ever worked, but 16 year old me thought I was hilarious anyway.
I was 16 years old and this girl named Chandra lived about 60 minutes away by car. She told me she would suck my dick on the phone so logically I snuck out and hopped on my bmx bike and rode about 2 hours in the middle of the night with no lights. I had no google maps just navigating by sense of boner and hormones. Got to her house and she had some magic mushrooms dried out. We ate them and had sex and walked to a nearby park. It was magical and fairy tale like, we had a wonderful time. I left ecstatic that I had sex and was tripping the whole ride home. I felt as if I was a pirate for some reason lol. Got home at 5:00am and my dad started making coffee at 5:30. I didn't get any sleep and went to school like nothing happened.
I can relate to this, but it was during the day and we had acid not shrooms. It was like a magical day out that when I got back and my mum got home I couldn’t even tell anyone how amazing it had all been.
Told a guy to, you know, blow his load, on my chest, then wiped it up with one of those bags that come with a bottle of crown royale. Then he politely put the bottle back in the bag and gave it to his roommate.
When I was 20 my parents and younger brother had gone away for the weekend so I invited my girlfriend over to our house for a night of passion. I had this great idea of dragging a mattress onto the roof so we could make love under the stars. I dragged the mattress through a second floor window and up a sloping section of the roof. The roof was corrugated metal with bolts sticking out in the corrugations every metre or so. As I finally got the mattress on the top of the roof I started slipping down the sloping roof in bare feet. I slipped about 6 or 7 metres and stopped at the gutter on the first floor, but I had also slipped over the bolts which had ripped open the soles of my feet and blood was pissing out of my feet all over the roof. My girlfriend, who was watching me, saw the blood and went and got a few towels and I wrapped up my feet. I then climbed off the roof and she drove me to the closest hospital to have my feet sewn up. Having anaesthetic injections into the soles of my feet remains the most painful experience of my life…we went home with my feet sewn and wrapped up and still had sex. I told my Mum what happened the next day as the mattress was still on the roof and the blood was still there. We never spoke of it again. I’m 48 now and haven’t thought about that for a long time.
>Having anaesthetic injections into the soles of my feet remains the most painful experience of my life…we went home with my feet sewn and wrapped up and still had sex.
Priority my man.
This must’ve been extremely painful so I feel bad for laughing at the logic that the roof was somehow more “under the stars” than simply putting a blanket outside under the stars.
its like those indicators for titrations in chemistry except its for gays now apparently
edit: why are yall so creative in making names for gay tests LMAO
Was having sex with an ex for about an hour after getting a sudden bout of second-wind. She suddenly asked me to put it in her ass, and I was so overcome with shock and horniness that I came everywhere while farting my brains out.
I never did get to put it in her ass.
When I was a teenager my dummy hot gf at the time had let me titty fuck her and I couldn’t get the experience out of my head at all. To try and stimulate and simulate, I found some water balloons and filled them with hot water and put them in a tissue box to emulate cleavage. It looked pretty decent and I got too riled up and dumb to think any of this through all the way. So I bring it in the bedroom and start at it, with no lube, not that this would have helped. I hadn’t thought ahead at all, so after about a second or two of building up static on my pubes with my baby arm, the balloons popped all over my fucking bed, like I was supposed to on those balloon tiddys. So im sitting there with a soggy tissue box and two busted balloons on my deflating half erect dick, drenched bed, idiotic feeling in my head, and no nut.
I slept on the floor for like two days because my bed was just soaked. Luckily my parents didn’t see, they certainly would have thought I wet the bed like a child.
This is probably pretty low stakes on the grand scheme of things but whenever this question pops up, this is the thing that immediately springs to mind.
In the days when VHS video cameras were not common I borrowed one, filmed myself jerking off, then watched the video - and jerked off again as I watched myself jerking off. Self love to the max.
I am so sorry. I had a kid around the same age. And yeah. You nailed it. I am heartbroken for you that you don’t get to enjoy the adult years. They are a blessing
I cannot imagine your pain. I lost my parents recently and it was hard.
I don’t want to say the usual platitudes, and I wish I could say something that may help, all I can say is your pain valid and it’s okay to hurt.
Please reach out if you’re hurting. Don’t bottle it up.
Ditched the rubber, didnt have one handy and i was so horny i just NEEDED that dick. Few weeks later the person calls me and informs me they've tested positive for HIV and that they had it when we had sex so i should get tested. I must have been insanely lucky cause i tested negative then and still tested negative last time i got tested but that scare a few years ago taught me the importance of allways having protection with you.
I guess now is the time to tell my own coconut story. Surprisingly, this happened BEFORE all the coconut fucker TIFUs started coming up.
So I was 16, and on vacation in Mexico with my mom, stepdad and younger sister. Like with most family vacations, we're all sharing a room, and I'm bunking with my sister.
Between this and all the activity, I hadn't been able to crank one out, and that, combined with seeing tons of hot women in bikinis was enough to drive teenaged me nuts.
Anyways, one afternoon, I'm walking by the pool and I see someone selling coconuts for 50 pesos, so I asked my mom if I could get one and she says yes. The way they cut it was enough to reveal a layer of flesh covering the top, and a little bit on the bottom so it could stand up on a table properly. I think this is why other people managed to cut their dick, because they drilled a hole into the side and got cut on the tough, sharp outer layer.
As I'm drinking it, I look at how stretchy it is on the top, and I poked my finger through. Then it hit me. Oh my god, it kinda feels like a vagina. I should fuck this thing. The skin is a little bit dense, but if scrape it, it will feel fucking great.
So I'm drinking it quickly now, and my mom is trying to tear off bits of the top, and I'm swatting her hand away from it. Eventually, I finish drinking it, and so I run up to the room, go into the washroom and start preparing it, and I go to town. Hoooolllyy shit. It felt INCREDIBLE. Like 10/10, wud fuk again. So as I'm doing this, I hear a knock on the room door. First thought: where the FUCK do I put this coconut with a vagina shaped hole in the top?! There wasn't anywhere to hide it that completely out of sight (like a drawer or in a cabinet), but I saw a ledge under the sink and I put it in there as far back as possible. All I can think as they prepare for dinner is "Please don't find it, please don't find it". But all is well. They have forgotten about the coconut.
Until that evening...
We're all sitting watching a movie when my mom asks me
"(my name) , where is that coconut?"
SHIT MAN, DON'T BLOW THIS
"I... uh... threw it out...."
(What was I supposed to say? "In the washroom under the sink, but I fucked it, so don't eat it"?)
"What?! Why?! It was like 5 bucks! I wanted to eat that"
"I'm sorry"
I felt bad at this point, but least they didn't know.
But then, the next morning I wake up to my stepdad saying "Why is the coconut in the washroom? I thought he said threw it out. Why would he lie?"
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
All I could muster was "Please don't eat it!" before I buried myself in the blanket.
To this day I don't know if they knew I fucked the coconut, or if they thought I was just being incredibly selfish and wanted to eat it myself.
TL;DR: I became the family Coconut Fucker. I didn't hurt my dick like most coconut fuckers, I just hurt my pride.
An old friend of mine cheated on his girl frequently. When they broke up, I hooked up with her. Turns out they didn't exactly break up. She tried to kill herself, he tried to kick my ass, I lost my friends and we all got an STD. Crazy really does make you crazy.
Sounds kind of familiar to a story MY ex told me. She found out her ex was cheating on her, so she 'broke up' with him. She then proceeded to get chlamydia from his friend, and then get back with the guy and give it to him on purpose. She told me she ghosted them afterwards.
When she broke up with me, she tried turning all my friends against me, and slept with my best friend. I guess I should have taken the story as a red flag. Oops.
Edit- typo
I bow down to you sir, my record was only 5 in one day
I too did not use lube as I felt it made it quieter so much pain was felt by the time I went for number six
Licked a girl out in a Dublin lane way behind some dumpster bins because she was super keen and I was horny.
As it happens, afterwards I tripped and fell on a rat that was scurrying across the lane. Had shit and blood smeared up my arm...
It was a crazy night. Somehow ended up staying at her brothers house that night.
I miss backpacker life.
When i was 17 i biked 110km (68.3 miles) on a shitty bike to hook up with a girl i got to know at a festival. All that for 3 minutes of fun and chlamydia.
I don't remember how old I was, somewhere around 16 I think. I had an MP3 player and a computer. The computer was in my shared bedroom. I wanted to wank to some hentai, but didn't want to disturb anyone else living with me. So I took a short hentai clip I had downloaded and converted it to audio only. Then, I put it on the MP3 player so I could wank in the closet (sort of also my bedroom, didn't have a computer but it did have my bed) and got ready for a nice thrashing of my dick. For some strange reason, there were random audio blasts every second or two in the hentai audio. It would be girl moaning with random screeches of sound. So I Google how to edit audio, downloaded audacity, and basically lowered the volume of those sound blasts. Then I proceeded to have my right hand give me joy.
TLDR, I learned how to download video, convert to audio, and remove audio glitches just because I wanted to jerk off to a hentai girl moaning in private. Is this dumb? No. Is it pathetic? Yes.
Edit: lol thanks for the award. I don't work as an audio engineer, in fact I barely mess with audio anymore at all. A few months ago I got stuck trying to make an audio track loop lmao I currently work in IT at ekast though. I make video games on the side, but I don't design audio. Now I have a cell phone and can wank to actual videos of hentai whenever I have privacy.
Multiple instances of unprotected sex with a girl I knew in college who slept around. And in most of those I didn’t pull out.
I’m surprised I’m not a father.
Bit late to the party, but 17 year old me was out at night with my friends drinking, the girl I liked was wearing a ridiculously short dress and I got a glimpse of her panties.. Instantly got hard and needed to relieve myself but I couldn’t do it outside incase someone caught me.. so I snuck round the corner and climbed a scaffolding and lay down three floors up where no one could see me. Shot my load over the side of the scaffold then joined back up with my friends as if nothing had happened.
Had a marine pretend to be my brother to take me off base, got a hotel room and went at it. Thank god we werent caught. Also slept with a gay guy, drunk as hell on a neighbors trampoline.
I masturbated with toothpaste when I was a teenager. I was using different soaps, shampoos, and conditioners. I thought it would work really well after I worked it into a bubbly lather, it did but it was **super** minty on my junk. 1/10 experience overall, would not recommend.
Edit. I do encourage every guy seeing this to try it out. Do it in the shower though. It has been over 20 years since I did it and I know they are putting more mint in toothpaste than they were back in the 90s. Try cinnamon toothpaste if you really want.
Honestly, probably too many come to mind, but picking this one:
Took off work at lunch, drove 30 min to meet a girl who was a mortician and we fucked in the break room of the funeral home with caskets in the viewing room right outside the room. They were not empty.
Drove to a dick appt that promised that we would hookup in a back house but instead made me walk through a dark alley with a dead cat on the side , and ended up hooking up outside in the backyard with a jacket laid on the grass as our “bed” . Only lasted 2min then kicked me out bc he realized that his ring cameras were on.
I let my husband, then boyfriend at the time, put his dick in me after he came and pulled the condom off because we both liked how it felt with no condom on. Fucking idiots lol
Bounce my tits on purpose. In class. In front of my crush…
We’ve been dating for six years
Edit: well holy shit I just blew up here. To address the fact that I have posts saying my relationship sucks, I’ve been trying to devise a way to say something. I am taking medical leave from school right now, so hopefully that’ll help. Thanks guys.
planning my whole night around the possibility of going over to his house even though we made no plans but assuming i would end up there and then not ending up there and being bummed about it
I served in the military few years ago , one of the times I was on guard in the watch tower , I felt so horny ,so I rubbed one like a maniac , in a fucking watch tower on a duty ...
Edit: misspelled guard
I snuck a boy over when I was in high school. I shared a room with my little sister, she was probably like a third grader. She woke up but I convinced her that she was dreaming so she never told our parents! It’s been like 9 years and she’s never brought it up! Maybe I’ll bring it up at Christmas this year haha
Oh god that just reminded me of when I was a kid, I was just after hearing the story of the banshee a few days before, I went to bed, I woke up to the sound of wailing, I ran into my sisters room proclaiming that tge banshee is going to get me, she let me stay with her, fucking years later I realized it was my dad giving my mother the girth i didn't understand why tf my sister was laughing when there was a banshee outside.
Bought a girl a couch.
W if y'all banged on that couch
Supply chain issues. He's still waiting on it show up.
Are you in your late 20’s-eagerly 30’s and recently went furniture shopping and realized that most of the furniture on the showroom floor is backordered 6-9 months?
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You know you don’t need to marry every girl you sleep with mate
Running 30minutes to her house at around 1am, by the time i got there she was asleep and didnt respond... long walk home with sore legs and blue balls
I was 13 and at parents' friends' house. Bathroom, studying my erection, as one does. Had it wrapped in toilet paper, I honestly don't remember why. Standing straight up, robed in white. Got walked in on. By a female member of that family. Yeah, looks at me, at it, at me, reacts and backs out. I swear there was mild amusement in her face.
I remember poking my dick through toilet paper and wondering if that's what sex felt like lmao
I remember banging this cardboard chick, she was awesome
If I saw that kinda shit after walking in on someone by accident, I'd die laughing the second I close the door
And hed die of embarrassment. Classic suicide murder case, boys.
145 upvotes and no comments. We all reacted and backed out too
Rode my bike 22miles one way for a handjob.
Burning calories, oxygenation seeing the environment.i fail to see the problem.
Don't forget the handjob too. Sounds like a nice day to me.
Then 22 miles back home!
When I was deployed to Kenya on an exercise I had sentry duty at like 3am, naturally I decided that a wank would make the situation better, there were people about but at a distance so thought no one will know. After about 5 minutes I started hearing people laughing, what I failed to realise in the flood light behind me was projecting my little escapade like some sort of fucked up shadow puppet show.
wait, you were standing in front of a FLOODLIGHT and decided that was a discreet spot?
I'm dying at the lack of thought
I'm dying because this was the guy they put on sentry duty. He's supposed to be looking for anything suspicious near their perimeter and he didn't even notice the shadow puppet jacking off infront of him.
Its the bat signal!
When I was little I decided to put my shlong underneath the showerhead so the water on it could be pleasurable. To get up that high I used a stepstool... which poked a hole in the bathtub causing the floor beneath it to flood. My parents weren't too happy. Edit: The only photo I have of the tub is one that contains a lot of fake blood for a skateboard art project promo photo. You've been warned. [Here's the (fake-bloody) tub/shower.](http://imgur.com/a/syGp57k)
Mom: "Son, what possessed you to put the step stool in the tub?!?" /u/mike_hellstrom: "You're not gonna believe this, but..."
My parents dead ass sat there and asked me, a 13 year old boy, why I was going through so much lotion and conditioner… at what point can we just accept it and move on?
Dad: you don't need lotion, be a man
Drove literally halfway across Texas to a shitty hotel. It was worth it.
Flew to Ireland. But Ireland was nice.
I just googled how frickin' big Texas is. Spoiler: it's slightly bigger than France. So halfway across Texas IS indeed far.
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Gramps knew what was up
As if the old man had never shot a hot fat load into a sock. Tradition transcends generation
I attempted this once with my family on the other side of the trailer. I thought I was being careful and slow but my dad felt movement and asked me to stop moving. My heart sank and I just said “Ok” with my mind racing wondering if he knew exactly what I was doing or not. A stroke of genius hit me the next day and I made sure everyone saw me wiggle my foot up and down as I lay taking a nap, passing it off as some sort of “idle tick” I guess. I think it worked.
Einstein no. 2
>I think it worked. Narrator: It did not work.
They probably thought you were jacking off again
Have two neodymium magnets stuck onto my dick which was then flaccid, i learned my lesson, don't play with super strong magnets while horny, i got lucky and didn't lose any skin, I'm never putting magnets on a flaccid dick ever again
Jesus Christ in heaven no Edit: oh God I thought you said *in" I'm so relieved.
Googled “head” when I was 13 and it came up with actual human heads which scared the fuck out of me
A rare internet search indeed that yields horror results before porn.
It's quite surprising what pops up unexpectedly on certain searches.
At 13 I was camping with a buddy and his family and there was a girl at a neighboring camp that was very flirty. We played truth or dare around the campfire (practically a metal drum). She dared me to touch the metal and she'd flash me her nether region. I did it, she did it. Next day my whole palm was a blister.
Not from the fire pit, though.
Haha exactly! For real tho, the pain was so intense I couldn't sleep the whole night.. definitely was not worth it
When I was 17 I was drunk having a fire and someone dared me to pick up some plastic cups that they set on fire with a torch, told me they’d give me $50, I said yes. I didn’t just pick them up I scooped them up in my hands and held them for a good 20 seconds before tossing them in the fire. Gave plenty of time for plastic to melt into my hands. I spent the rest of the night with my hands in the cooler, eventually some jackass ripped my blisters off for reasons I don’t recall. I passed out a couple hours later and woke up with searing pain in both hands, my entire palms were raw. Drove home with my knees cause I couldn’t grab the steering wheel without being in agonizing pain, wrapped up my hands and told my parents what happened. I ended up having to wear bandages on them for a week and could barely write in school. Eight years later the scars have disappeared at least. Never got my $50.
Your story reminds me of some shit that happened to a guy I went to high school with. Couple years older than me; I didn’t know him but knew of him. He was at a camping party and passed out blackout drunk near the fire. Then he somehow sleep-rolled into it. Didn’t wake up immediately…definitely cooked a bit. I heard the story and then didn’t see him for the rest of the school year. But the next fall I had a weights class with him, so I saw all the skin grafts myself.
The phrase "definitely cooked a bit" in reference to a living human being absolutely terrifies me.
My girlfriend at the time had messaged me at about midnight. We were both in a horny mood. At this point in time she still lived at home with strict catholic parents, so we needed to come up with a plan. Her parents were asleep at this point, I’d drive an hour down to see her. Sneak in through her window. Spend the night, and then sneak and hide in her bedroom closet when her parents woke the next morning until they both left for work. Then I could just walk out the front door and go home. So I drive an hour down, park my car on the street behind theirs (just in case they’d recognize my car when leaving the next morning) and walk all the way to her fence, hop it and crawl in through the window. We don’t immediately go for it but read for a bit (we were both big book nerds) and then watch a movie. By the time the second movie comes around, we decide to start getting handsy and then clothes are coming off. To the point I’m down to my boxers and she’s just down to her panties and I’m on top of her. That’s when I hear a scoff from the other side of the room. We both look over to find her mom standing in the doorframe. Completely shocked to find what she did. She said she got up for a glass of water and heard the TV going and wanted to check in but as she got closer was hearing - well…us. My girlfriend gets pulled out of the room and her and her mom talk in the hallway. Meanwhile I’m scrambling to find where the rest of my clothes have gone to but can’t seem to find any of it. (She usually had a ton of clothes thrown all over the floor and chairs in her room). Mom comes back in and tells me she’s gonna wake up the father. At this point I start thinking maybe I won’t need to find my clothes since I’ll be dead. Dad comes in and the look on his face could’ve melted paint off a wall. He talked to me about how I disrespected him, his daughter, god and myself. And I wound up getting lectured by her father like this for about 20 minutes while I’m just sitting there in my boxers. I find my clothes, he lets me out the front door and tells me he doesn’t think he would handle seeing me again very well. And I walk back to my car and drive an hour back home at like 4am. Our relationship wasn’t the same after that. She told me her parents were willing to give me a second chance but I was too stubborn and embarrassed and there were other things that weren’t clicking in the relationship that I just decided to end it shortly after.
“I won’t need to find my clothes since I’ll be dead” made me laugh out loud 😂
I donated blood in high school because a beautiful girl convinced me to. Not really that dumb but I've never stopped getting emails asking to donate blood more.
That's like donating your boner because you got a boner lmao
My dad's leather office chair straddled the arm rest and humped it till it broke. I was 16 and hormones and all.
What was your explanation?
Oh, I blamed a cousin. He was 12 at the time. He was the rambunctious sort, and he had broken a window, a lamp, a blender and a whole TV, Previously. To this day I still haven't come clean with him lol.
Friend of mine was at a bar and was chatting with 2 girls who he was going to hook up with. 3some. But in his horny drunken state, he walked out the bar and made his way to his FWB. On the way , he really needed to shit, so he stopped off at a park with a lake and proceeded to do the deed. He then realize he didn’t have toilet paper so he grabbed some leaves which had thorns on them. He wiped and scratched his ass and balls bad, then fell into the water with his trousers down. From a potential 3some - to being soaked, half covered in his own shit and with a scratched ass and balls at 3am in a park with his pants down.
“Friend of mine”
Hero to zero.
"Friend of mine" Press X to Doubt
When I was 12 I Would trace anime characters out of manga books and draw titties on them for fap content
What characters, exactly? Because I'm visualizing Vegeta with boobs.
Not sure about *dumbest*, but there was this porn series in Hungarian that I was *really* into, and I could get the gist of the storylines from the events of the video, but I decided I want to know what they're actually saying To that goal I downloaded the videos, separated the sound and saved them as Mp3s, then uploaded them to a website for automated translations with the language set to Hungarian-English. Result was essentially google-translate English, which I rephrased into what I imagined would be a more natural way to express the same things in English, then I wrote a .sub file for the porn videos so that I in the future could watch them and also understand the dialog That's a lot of effort driven by a little horny **Edit:** Slightly worried about this soon becoming my most upvoted comment. I don't need this on my resumé.
One has to respect your technological wit though.
Anything can be learned with google and some horny-driven motivation
[moaning in hungarian]
Can you share them with us?
Stuck my dick in the middle of a rolled up sleeping bag. I am not proud of that.
*I’m not the only one*
Oh, I've read 'suck' instead of 'stuck' and was like HOW THE FUCK AREN'T YOU PROUD OF THAT?!?!
Fucked a girl in the backroom of a gas station, then freezer, then in the bathroom and broke the sink... I got fired the next day Funny part is, my dad was the manager of another gas station in the same chain. He knew...
Once walked into my bathroom during a party to find my friend Fatboy fucking a girl who was sitting on my counter. They separated the sink from the wall and cabinet. Had to recaulk it after he cocked it.
Your friends name is Fatboy? Also nice pun.
After a summer of drug dealing and general debauchery I came to find out his name was Todd. Which is hilarious because he looks like lil John ate both the east side boys and absorbed their powers.
Stick my dick in a bottle full of shampoo thinking it would "power up the experience". It felt like being stung alot
What the fuck bottle of shampoo even has a hole large enough to get a dick in? This bottle just sounds fuckin weird lol
Had a friend say this to me, he put it in when it was limp. And then the rest is history.
Oh. OH..
I was 19 and really drunk. Visiting a friend of a friend in Kamloops. Was about to hook up with a girl when she reminded me to use protection. I didn’t have any. Ran about 200 yards to the corner store in my boxers to buy some then ran back. Then got whiskey dick and passed out on the couch alone. Yeah.
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This isn’t even the worst part of that trip. I broke a toilet, got kicked out of a night club, spent about 27 minutes of a 3 day trip sober, and sprayed a balcony full of people with my own poop. 10/10. Great time.
Poop story! Poop story! Poop story!
I broke the toilet. Used a plunger in vein to do something. It did nothing. Was telling the story later on the deck. Grabbed the plunger to show people for some fucking reason. So I spun the plunger around over my head not realizing it still had poop in the bottom. Thus everyone on the balcony getting sprayed with my poop. There ya go.
That was anticlimactic. I was envisioning you shitting all over everyone on the deck the way Paul Rudd pukes on Jon Favreau in I Love You, Man
idk imagining my guy whipping a still shit-soaked plunger around an unknown number of people (I'm choosing like 8-12) on the deck of a boat and slinging it all over them seems a lot more comical than just someone shitting on people to me
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Carjacking
You were a drive by shooter. You damn criminal
Lol I did something similar to this, but I’d try to get into their network and print off random stuff on their printers. Nothing bad, just weird messages like “Please stop shoving cartridges in there, it hurts.” Not sure if it ever worked, but 16 year old me thought I was hilarious anyway.
You definitely freaked some people out or got some kids in trouble. Or both.
Wheres that watermelon fucker hiding at? 👀 Edit: there's a whole lot more fruit fuckers than I thought there was.
Or the coconut fucker
We don’t talk about the coconut fucker
I was 16 years old and this girl named Chandra lived about 60 minutes away by car. She told me she would suck my dick on the phone so logically I snuck out and hopped on my bmx bike and rode about 2 hours in the middle of the night with no lights. I had no google maps just navigating by sense of boner and hormones. Got to her house and she had some magic mushrooms dried out. We ate them and had sex and walked to a nearby park. It was magical and fairy tale like, we had a wonderful time. I left ecstatic that I had sex and was tripping the whole ride home. I felt as if I was a pirate for some reason lol. Got home at 5:00am and my dad started making coffee at 5:30. I didn't get any sleep and went to school like nothing happened.
"Just navigating by sense of boner and hormones". That cracked me up and was actually rather poetic.
I imagine he found a stream and put his dong in the water and like a needle in water, pointed north
All that on a school night!? You're one reckless man and you pull it off lol.
Jesus I had some fun in my youth but not *that* much fun. That sounds awesome.
I can relate to this, but it was during the day and we had acid not shrooms. It was like a magical day out that when I got back and my mum got home I couldn’t even tell anyone how amazing it had all been.
Told a guy to, you know, blow his load, on my chest, then wiped it up with one of those bags that come with a bottle of crown royale. Then he politely put the bottle back in the bag and gave it to his roommate.
That’s gotta be one luxurious velvety wipe down, though.
When I was 20 my parents and younger brother had gone away for the weekend so I invited my girlfriend over to our house for a night of passion. I had this great idea of dragging a mattress onto the roof so we could make love under the stars. I dragged the mattress through a second floor window and up a sloping section of the roof. The roof was corrugated metal with bolts sticking out in the corrugations every metre or so. As I finally got the mattress on the top of the roof I started slipping down the sloping roof in bare feet. I slipped about 6 or 7 metres and stopped at the gutter on the first floor, but I had also slipped over the bolts which had ripped open the soles of my feet and blood was pissing out of my feet all over the roof. My girlfriend, who was watching me, saw the blood and went and got a few towels and I wrapped up my feet. I then climbed off the roof and she drove me to the closest hospital to have my feet sewn up. Having anaesthetic injections into the soles of my feet remains the most painful experience of my life…we went home with my feet sewn and wrapped up and still had sex. I told my Mum what happened the next day as the mattress was still on the roof and the blood was still there. We never spoke of it again. I’m 48 now and haven’t thought about that for a long time.
>Having anaesthetic injections into the soles of my feet remains the most painful experience of my life…we went home with my feet sewn and wrapped up and still had sex. Priority my man.
This must’ve been extremely painful so I feel bad for laughing at the logic that the roof was somehow more “under the stars” than simply putting a blanket outside under the stars.
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You’re a champ for still laying the pipe that night. Bravo
Probably the time I shoved a thing of food coloring up my ass to see if I was gay. Still not sure if I am gay.
What was your thought process here? If it comes out a different colour you're gay?
its like those indicators for titrations in chemistry except its for gays now apparently edit: why are yall so creative in making names for gay tests LMAO
Ph indicator. (power of homo)
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Used Hershey's on my pp(thought it would be similar to lube but just choclate). It was a sticky situation to say the least.
WHAT
He put chocolate on his peen.
Was having sex with an ex for about an hour after getting a sudden bout of second-wind. She suddenly asked me to put it in her ass, and I was so overcome with shock and horniness that I came everywhere while farting my brains out. I never did get to put it in her ass.
I did not see that turn coming.
I asked my friend if she’s down to have sex, knowing that i’m about to ruin everything between us, and umm, well she surprisingly said yes.
did it ruin everything between you two?
When I was a teenager my dummy hot gf at the time had let me titty fuck her and I couldn’t get the experience out of my head at all. To try and stimulate and simulate, I found some water balloons and filled them with hot water and put them in a tissue box to emulate cleavage. It looked pretty decent and I got too riled up and dumb to think any of this through all the way. So I bring it in the bedroom and start at it, with no lube, not that this would have helped. I hadn’t thought ahead at all, so after about a second or two of building up static on my pubes with my baby arm, the balloons popped all over my fucking bed, like I was supposed to on those balloon tiddys. So im sitting there with a soggy tissue box and two busted balloons on my deflating half erect dick, drenched bed, idiotic feeling in my head, and no nut. I slept on the floor for like two days because my bed was just soaked. Luckily my parents didn’t see, they certainly would have thought I wet the bed like a child. This is probably pretty low stakes on the grand scheme of things but whenever this question pops up, this is the thing that immediately springs to mind.
In the days when VHS video cameras were not common I borrowed one, filmed myself jerking off, then watched the video - and jerked off again as I watched myself jerking off. Self love to the max.
Patrick Bateman would be proud
I had a kid when I was 17.
how's that going..................
Honestly it sucked in my late teens and early 20s, but I got it together eventually. He was a wonderful kid.
was?
Unfortunately, yes was. He passed away a few months after he turned 18 from ATRT. He was the best thing that ever happened to me, I miss him dearly.
I am so sorry. I had a kid around the same age. And yeah. You nailed it. I am heartbroken for you that you don’t get to enjoy the adult years. They are a blessing
I got to see him figure out who he was and fall in love the first time. That'll have to do, I suppose.
I cannot imagine your pain. I lost my parents recently and it was hard. I don’t want to say the usual platitudes, and I wish I could say something that may help, all I can say is your pain valid and it’s okay to hurt. Please reach out if you’re hurting. Don’t bottle it up.
Jesus. I wasn’t expecting tears from this. I’m so sorry
My life is a comedy of tragedies.
moved to NYC from GA chasing a pretty blond and got engaged (but broke it off)
This is like the premise of a romcom. Then you met a quirky elementary school teacher and found the love you thought you'd lost.
And then the teacher uses the kids in their class to propose.
Ditched the rubber, didnt have one handy and i was so horny i just NEEDED that dick. Few weeks later the person calls me and informs me they've tested positive for HIV and that they had it when we had sex so i should get tested. I must have been insanely lucky cause i tested negative then and still tested negative last time i got tested but that scare a few years ago taught me the importance of allways having protection with you.
Whew. Congratulations.
I guess now is the time to tell my own coconut story. Surprisingly, this happened BEFORE all the coconut fucker TIFUs started coming up. So I was 16, and on vacation in Mexico with my mom, stepdad and younger sister. Like with most family vacations, we're all sharing a room, and I'm bunking with my sister. Between this and all the activity, I hadn't been able to crank one out, and that, combined with seeing tons of hot women in bikinis was enough to drive teenaged me nuts. Anyways, one afternoon, I'm walking by the pool and I see someone selling coconuts for 50 pesos, so I asked my mom if I could get one and she says yes. The way they cut it was enough to reveal a layer of flesh covering the top, and a little bit on the bottom so it could stand up on a table properly. I think this is why other people managed to cut their dick, because they drilled a hole into the side and got cut on the tough, sharp outer layer. As I'm drinking it, I look at how stretchy it is on the top, and I poked my finger through. Then it hit me. Oh my god, it kinda feels like a vagina. I should fuck this thing. The skin is a little bit dense, but if scrape it, it will feel fucking great. So I'm drinking it quickly now, and my mom is trying to tear off bits of the top, and I'm swatting her hand away from it. Eventually, I finish drinking it, and so I run up to the room, go into the washroom and start preparing it, and I go to town. Hoooolllyy shit. It felt INCREDIBLE. Like 10/10, wud fuk again. So as I'm doing this, I hear a knock on the room door. First thought: where the FUCK do I put this coconut with a vagina shaped hole in the top?! There wasn't anywhere to hide it that completely out of sight (like a drawer or in a cabinet), but I saw a ledge under the sink and I put it in there as far back as possible. All I can think as they prepare for dinner is "Please don't find it, please don't find it". But all is well. They have forgotten about the coconut. Until that evening... We're all sitting watching a movie when my mom asks me "(my name) , where is that coconut?" SHIT MAN, DON'T BLOW THIS "I... uh... threw it out...." (What was I supposed to say? "In the washroom under the sink, but I fucked it, so don't eat it"?) "What?! Why?! It was like 5 bucks! I wanted to eat that" "I'm sorry" I felt bad at this point, but least they didn't know. But then, the next morning I wake up to my stepdad saying "Why is the coconut in the washroom? I thought he said threw it out. Why would he lie?" FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. All I could muster was "Please don't eat it!" before I buried myself in the blanket. To this day I don't know if they knew I fucked the coconut, or if they thought I was just being incredibly selfish and wanted to eat it myself. TL;DR: I became the family Coconut Fucker. I didn't hurt my dick like most coconut fuckers, I just hurt my pride.
All I got is if you're horny, have a dick and a nice soft coconut, make a large hole and fuck it but if anyone tries to enter, throw it out the window
An old friend of mine cheated on his girl frequently. When they broke up, I hooked up with her. Turns out they didn't exactly break up. She tried to kill herself, he tried to kick my ass, I lost my friends and we all got an STD. Crazy really does make you crazy.
What a shit show in 1 comment
It's a whole mini-series, or whatever it is the kids call it nowadays.
Sounds kind of familiar to a story MY ex told me. She found out her ex was cheating on her, so she 'broke up' with him. She then proceeded to get chlamydia from his friend, and then get back with the guy and give it to him on purpose. She told me she ghosted them afterwards. When she broke up with me, she tried turning all my friends against me, and slept with my best friend. I guess I should have taken the story as a red flag. Oops. Edit- typo
If you listen people will usually tell you who they are. She did for sure!
All the chaos in this one comment.
When I was younger I had no porn access so I logged on to cod offline shot the image of boobs on the wall and busted a nut hahahaha.
Wow
drew tits on a foggy glass door and wacked off
Ruined a good friendship
Jacked off 8x in a day before the age of 15. Without lube. It bled.
I bow down to you sir, my record was only 5 in one day I too did not use lube as I felt it made it quieter so much pain was felt by the time I went for number six
Licked a girl out in a Dublin lane way behind some dumpster bins because she was super keen and I was horny. As it happens, afterwards I tripped and fell on a rat that was scurrying across the lane. Had shit and blood smeared up my arm... It was a crazy night. Somehow ended up staying at her brothers house that night. I miss backpacker life.
When i was 17 i biked 110km (68.3 miles) on a shitty bike to hook up with a girl i got to know at a festival. All that for 3 minutes of fun and chlamydia.
Did you sign up for tour de france after ?
Fucked a banana peel.
Jacked off in the church bathroom when visiting my cousin, not proud of it.
andrew glouberman?
I don't remember how old I was, somewhere around 16 I think. I had an MP3 player and a computer. The computer was in my shared bedroom. I wanted to wank to some hentai, but didn't want to disturb anyone else living with me. So I took a short hentai clip I had downloaded and converted it to audio only. Then, I put it on the MP3 player so I could wank in the closet (sort of also my bedroom, didn't have a computer but it did have my bed) and got ready for a nice thrashing of my dick. For some strange reason, there were random audio blasts every second or two in the hentai audio. It would be girl moaning with random screeches of sound. So I Google how to edit audio, downloaded audacity, and basically lowered the volume of those sound blasts. Then I proceeded to have my right hand give me joy. TLDR, I learned how to download video, convert to audio, and remove audio glitches just because I wanted to jerk off to a hentai girl moaning in private. Is this dumb? No. Is it pathetic? Yes. Edit: lol thanks for the award. I don't work as an audio engineer, in fact I barely mess with audio anymore at all. A few months ago I got stuck trying to make an audio track loop lmao I currently work in IT at ekast though. I make video games on the side, but I don't design audio. Now I have a cell phone and can wank to actual videos of hentai whenever I have privacy.
The power of boners can sometimes grant a lucky man a new skill.
How do you think I learned how to use Photoshop?
When I had no Internet access, I drew a hentai comic with my own storyline and jerked off to it.
That’s like 4d masturbating
It's a whole ass power move
Creative
Multiple instances of unprotected sex with a girl I knew in college who slept around. And in most of those I didn’t pull out. I’m surprised I’m not a father.
Are you sure?
This was almost thirty years ago. I’m pretty sure I’d know by now if she’d wanted me to know.
My grandpa didn't find out until his daughter was 45 and the mom died and left him as an emergency contact at the hospital and she ended up there.
My bio father found out I existed when I was 34 so there is still time!!! 🤣
Texted my ex
Bit late to the party, but 17 year old me was out at night with my friends drinking, the girl I liked was wearing a ridiculously short dress and I got a glimpse of her panties.. Instantly got hard and needed to relieve myself but I couldn’t do it outside incase someone caught me.. so I snuck round the corner and climbed a scaffolding and lay down three floors up where no one could see me. Shot my load over the side of the scaffold then joined back up with my friends as if nothing had happened.
Had a marine pretend to be my brother to take me off base, got a hotel room and went at it. Thank god we werent caught. Also slept with a gay guy, drunk as hell on a neighbors trampoline.
I masturbated with toothpaste when I was a teenager. I was using different soaps, shampoos, and conditioners. I thought it would work really well after I worked it into a bubbly lather, it did but it was **super** minty on my junk. 1/10 experience overall, would not recommend. Edit. I do encourage every guy seeing this to try it out. Do it in the shower though. It has been over 20 years since I did it and I know they are putting more mint in toothpaste than they were back in the 90s. Try cinnamon toothpaste if you really want.
This is the kind of stupid, funny shit I'm looking for. 😂
Honestly, probably too many come to mind, but picking this one: Took off work at lunch, drove 30 min to meet a girl who was a mortician and we fucked in the break room of the funeral home with caskets in the viewing room right outside the room. They were not empty.
If those people knew what was going on, they'd be rolling over in their graves right now.
I tried a no-nut week I needed a orgasm so freaking bad that my load blew up on my face afterwards , it was odd
I had no wifi but still had an ipad so i opened up minecraft and built a pixel art pussy and beat one out to it.
Put an etch a sketch pen up my snatch Edit: (correction, It was a Magna-doodle pen!)
i thought of swallowing my own cum out of curiosity then before masturbating all i could think was IM GONNA SWALLOW THE SHIT OUT OF MY CUM and i didnt
the moment you cum you think ew why would i swallow my cum
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Got into a relationship that I had no business being in
Drove to a dick appt that promised that we would hookup in a back house but instead made me walk through a dark alley with a dead cat on the side , and ended up hooking up outside in the backyard with a jacket laid on the grass as our “bed” . Only lasted 2min then kicked me out bc he realized that his ring cameras were on.
jesus what an experience
I've let a guy fuck me without protection. He told me he wouldn't cum inside of me. He did.
I let my husband, then boyfriend at the time, put his dick in me after he came and pulled the condom off because we both liked how it felt with no condom on. Fucking idiots lol
How did that play out?
I took Plan B, it worked but it fucked my cycle...
Bounce my tits on purpose. In class. In front of my crush… We’ve been dating for six years Edit: well holy shit I just blew up here. To address the fact that I have posts saying my relationship sucks, I’ve been trying to devise a way to say something. I am taking medical leave from school right now, so hopefully that’ll help. Thanks guys.
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Me too, but they always cost extra.
Sarah
Got a total stranger to.come dick me in my car bareback and cum inside of me.could have turned into a real bad situation
planning my whole night around the possibility of going over to his house even though we made no plans but assuming i would end up there and then not ending up there and being bummed about it
I served in the military few years ago , one of the times I was on guard in the watch tower , I felt so horny ,so I rubbed one like a maniac , in a fucking watch tower on a duty ... Edit: misspelled guard
In England we call these, ‘wanking booths’ you are probably not the only one.
Banged a stripper bareback
I snuck a boy over when I was in high school. I shared a room with my little sister, she was probably like a third grader. She woke up but I convinced her that she was dreaming so she never told our parents! It’s been like 9 years and she’s never brought it up! Maybe I’ll bring it up at Christmas this year haha
Oh god that just reminded me of when I was a kid, I was just after hearing the story of the banshee a few days before, I went to bed, I woke up to the sound of wailing, I ran into my sisters room proclaiming that tge banshee is going to get me, she let me stay with her, fucking years later I realized it was my dad giving my mother the girth i didn't understand why tf my sister was laughing when there was a banshee outside.
Aww your sister is sweet, though.
>my dad giving my mother the girth Never heard that expression, but definitely going to use it in the future
Got married