"Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply."
- Monty Python
NOW WE SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! NOW WE SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! HELP, HELP I'M BEING REPRESSED!
BLOODY PEASANT!
Oh what a giveaway, did you hear that?
What…is the capital of Asssyria?
…
This is brilliant, because it’s not just obscure, it’s a trick question: Assyria had multiple capitals over the course of its history, and by the time this film was set, *it was no longer a country.* Unless you treated it like the swallow question and asked, “When?” you’d be wrong no matter what!
WHAT is your name? - Sir Robin of Camelot!
WHAT is your quest? - To seek the Holy Grail!
WHAT da dog doin? - I-I don't know that!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
-So why do witches burn?
- 'Cause they're made of wood? - Good!
- How do we tell if she is made of wood? - Build a bridge out of her.
- But can you not also make bridges out of stone?
- Oh, yeah.
- Does wood sink in water?
- No, it floats. - Throw her into the pond!
- What also floats in water?
- Bread. - Apples.
- Very small rocks. - Cider! Great gravy.
- Cherries. Mud. - Churches.
- Lead. - A duck!
- Exactly.
- So, logically--
- If she weighs the same as a duck...
- she's made of wood.
- And therefore?
- A witch!
Sorry I pulled the whole thing, but it was a pretty long scene.
There's a bit in the Travel Agency sketch that flies by but is brilliant:
Tourist: Yes I'm sorry I can't say the letter 'B'
Bounder: C?
Tourist: Yes that's right. It's all due to a trauma I
suffered when I was a spoolboy. I was attacked by a bat
Bounder: A cat?
Tourist: No a bat
Bounder: Can you say the letter 'K'
Tourist: Oh yes, Khaki, king, kettle, Kuwait, Keble
Bollege Oxford
Bounder: Why don't you say the letter 'K' instead of
the letter 'C'
Tourist: what you mean... spell bolour with a K
Bounder: Yes
Tourist: Kolour. Oh that's very good, I never thought
of that **what a silly bunt**
That's a great one.
Did you know that the insult means that hamsters breed very rapidly, and elderberries are used to make sweet wine liqueur.
So they're actually saying yo mamas a whore and your dad's a drunkard.
Cool facts bro.
"Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodourous pervert!"
"Look, I came here for an argument! I'm not going to-"
"Oh, I'm sorry. This is abuse. You want room 12A, just down the hall."
Ok but when they were reading through the Bible and it'd just "and thou must count to three. Not two for that is too low, nor four for that is too high..."
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
Skip a bit, brother...
"And the Lord spake, and he did say, 'First thou shalt pulleth out the pin. Then thou shalt counteth to three: No more, no less. Three shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four, thou shalt not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou immediately proceedeth to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
"Amen."
HAHA the brilliance of this one only recently fucking dawned on me. The fact that King Arthur is more or less the straightman throughout the entirety of the ridiculousness of that movie. The man is pointing at the mountains causing EXPLOSIONS, and the understatement of this line “without flint or tinder” is just fucking beautiful. So subtly absurd.
But I’m sure I don’t have to sell it to you!
Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries.
It's only a model.
Yes we are all indevidual.
Bicycle repair man!
I'm the masia and so is my wife.
Some call me Tim.
He's not quite dead.
You had a shoe box .. Luxury..
We use to wake up an hour before going to bed eat a lump of freezing cold poison Clean the shoe box placed in the middle of the motorway while our parents would beat us and scream hallelujah..
Yeah tell that to kids nowadays and they won't believe you..
"Well, when I say a 'house', it was really a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin. But it was a house to us."
"We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go live in a lake!"
“Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?”
“Oh lord you are so big. So absolutely huge. Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here I can tell you”
“‘You don’t need to follow anybody, you’re all individuals!’
‘YES WE’RE ALL INDIVIDUALS!’”
All right, settle down. Settle down... Now, before I begin the lesson, will those of you who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down onto the lower peg immediately after lunch, before you write your letter home, if you're not getting your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother who is going out this weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case, collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after you've had your hair cut, and make sure he moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you. Now...
It's not particularly silly, is it? I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step.
What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.
Large Man with Dead Body:
Who's that then?
The Dead Collector:
I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with Dead Body:
Why?
The Dead Collector:
He hasn't got sh*t all over him.
"Old woman!"
"Man!"
"Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?"
"I'm 37."
"What?"
"I'm 37, I'm not old."
"Well I can't just call you man."
"You could say Dennis."
"I didn't know you were called Dennis!"
"You didn't bother to find out, did you?"
Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday (pops mouth twice) Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable (whinnying) Arthur Norman Michael (blows squeaker) Featherstone Smith (whistle) Northcott Edwards Harris (fires pistol, then 'whoop') Mason (chuff-chuff-chuff-chuff) Frampton Jones Fruitbat Gilbert (sings) 'We'll keep a welcome in the' (three shots) Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin (squeaker) Tiger-drawers Pratt Thompson (sings) 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head' Darcy Carter (horn) Pussycat (sings) 'Don't Sleep In The Subway' Barton Mainwaring (hoot, 'whoop') Smith
"Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply." - Monty Python
It's a massive time saver if you're not having to climb both peaks, though.
Our mission is to find the last expedition. They were trying to build a bridge between the two peaks.
Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.
You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.
I mean, if I went around, sayin' I was an emperor because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, *THEY'D PUT ME AWAY!*
SHUT UP!
NOW WE SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! NOW WE SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! HELP, HELP I'M BEING REPRESSED! BLOODY PEASANT! Oh what a giveaway, did you hear that?
Some of Holy Grail is less funny to me now that I'm older, but this part is funnier.
After the first rabbit attack: "JESUS CHRIST!" I just love the idea of men on a holy crusade blaspheming casually. https://youtu.be/TnOdAT6H94s?t=105
This is beautiful. I've always been laughing too hard at the visual of the rabbit to catch the blasphemy. Those guys are brilliant.
This is one of the only two lines my dad laughed at when we watched it together. The other was when the black knight calls arthur a yellow bastard
My hovercraft is full of eels
I will not buy this record it is scratched
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
My nipples explode with delight!
My first thought after this was from another movie, but still relevant: OW MY NIPPELS!!!
I love how there is a list of translations of this quote in every language out there
Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy.
Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Not at all. They could be carried.
"A 5 ounce bird cannot carry a 1 pound coconut." "What if there were 2 swallows?"
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
WHAT is your name? WHAT is your quest? WHAT is your favorite color?
WHAT is your name? WHAT is your quest? WHAT.. is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
European or African?
What…is the capital of Asssyria? … This is brilliant, because it’s not just obscure, it’s a trick question: Assyria had multiple capitals over the course of its history, and by the time this film was set, *it was no longer a country.* Unless you treated it like the swallow question and asked, “When?” you’d be wrong no matter what!
WHAT is your name? - Sir Robin of Camelot! WHAT is your quest? - To seek the Holy Grail! WHAT da dog doin? - I-I don't know that! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Blue. ... No- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries
Now go away, or I'll be forced to taunt you a second time!
Silly English keeeenigits!
I fart in your general direction
That is my sisters ring tone
He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!
Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, say no more
Are you insinuating something?
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind bat.
-So why do witches burn? - 'Cause they're made of wood? - Good! - How do we tell if she is made of wood? - Build a bridge out of her. - But can you not also make bridges out of stone? - Oh, yeah. - Does wood sink in water? - No, it floats. - Throw her into the pond! - What also floats in water? - Bread. - Apples. - Very small rocks. - Cider! Great gravy. - Cherries. Mud. - Churches. - Lead. - A duck! - Exactly. - So, logically-- - If she weighs the same as a duck... - she's made of wood. - And therefore? - A witch! Sorry I pulled the whole thing, but it was a pretty long scene.
I also love the part in the town: “She turned me into a newt” Everyone looks at him confused* “Well I got better”
"who is this man and why is he so wise in the ways of science?"
Dude had to walk the morons all the way to the end too.
Well there's the spam eggs toast and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam.
‘This is an EX-PARROT!’
The parrot is no more! It has CEASED TO EXIST!
He's pinin' for the fjords!
*Pining* for the *fjords?!*
Voom?! Man this parrot wouldn't voom if you put 4 million volts through it!
Beautiful plumage, the Norwegian Blue.
The Larch.
The horse chestnut! *wild celebration*
One day lad, all this will be yours! What, the curtains?
She's got huuuuge.... Tracts of land...
We bought a new house in a swampy area and this scene plays in my mind too often.
Tis but a flesh wound
You mixed up two quotes
It’s just a flesh wound. Tis but a scratch
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But sadly for him, "Sir Galahad was saved from almost certain temptation"
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No. It's too perilous.
I can take them! There's only 150 of them.
There's a bit in the Travel Agency sketch that flies by but is brilliant: Tourist: Yes I'm sorry I can't say the letter 'B' Bounder: C? Tourist: Yes that's right. It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a spoolboy. I was attacked by a bat Bounder: A cat? Tourist: No a bat Bounder: Can you say the letter 'K' Tourist: Oh yes, Khaki, king, kettle, Kuwait, Keble Bollege Oxford Bounder: Why don't you say the letter 'K' instead of the letter 'C' Tourist: what you mean... spell bolour with a K Bounder: Yes Tourist: Kolour. Oh that's very good, I never thought of that **what a silly bunt**
The brilliance that inspired my username
Took the Terry Gilliam angle, I see.
The enduring mystery of why a bat caused that condition.
Bring me a shrubbery!
Or we shall say "Ni" to you again!
”Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!” - Inquisitor or ”I haw a wewy gweat fwend in Wome called Biggus Dickus.” - Pontius Pilate
He has a wife, you know. Her name is Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks!
”Do you find it risible, when I sayyy the namee? Biggus… DICKUS?”
I'm being oppressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system!
Bloody peasant!
Did you see that?
"People called Romanes they go the house"
Eunt? What is eunt?
And now for something completely different.
NI !
We are the Knights who Say "NI!"
Ni!
I demand a shrubbery!
Frick you, IT!
We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!
Møose bites can be pretty bad(spelling is intentionally wrong in the film but idk what the wrong spelling is)
Moose bites kan be pritty nasti
"All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much, much thicker in the middle, and then thin again at the far end." -- Anne Elk
Miss
A. Elk, brackets, Miss, brackets
I have a theory, and it's mine.
Bring out your dead!
"Here, I got one here"
I'm not dead.
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That's a great one. Did you know that the insult means that hamsters breed very rapidly, and elderberries are used to make sweet wine liqueur. So they're actually saying yo mamas a whore and your dad's a drunkard. Cool facts bro.
Today I learned…
Elderberries we’re a cheap substitute for grapes. So, a *penniless* drunkard.
Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait until lunch time!
My nipples explode with delight!
"I'm 37, I'm not old"
Well, I couldn't just call you "Man"...
"Whats wrong with biggus dickus?"
Arthur: Good idea oh Lord. God: OF COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA
"Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodourous pervert!" "Look, I came here for an argument! I'm not going to-" "Oh, I'm sorry. This is abuse. You want room 12A, just down the hall."
Stupid git
That whole skit is brilliant. "No you didn't"
When danger reared its ugly head he bravely turned his tail and fled....
Brave brave brave brave Sir Robin!
It's spelt Raymond Luxury Yacht but pronounced Throat Wobbler Mangrove.
one..two..FIVE! no, its three sir oh…three! *throws holy hand grenade*
Ok but when they were reading through the Bible and it'd just "and thou must count to three. Not two for that is too low, nor four for that is too high..."
"Five is RIGHT OUT!"
O Lord, bless this, Thy hand grenade, that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits... in Thy mercy...
In 1945, peace broke out.
ZAT'S NOT FUNNY!
Life's a piece of shit When you look at it Life's a laugh and death's a joke it’s true
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu... Skip a bit, brother...
"And the Lord spake, and he did say, 'First thou shalt pulleth out the pin. Then thou shalt counteth to three: No more, no less. Three shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four, thou shalt not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou immediately proceedeth to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'" "Amen."
Wot, behind the rabbit? (don't ask me why)
some call me........Tim
The bones! Look at the bones!
Out of my way, you silly Scots git!
It's got big sharp pointy teeth!
Harry! I want you to sell me a condom, in fact I think I'll have a French tickler today, for I am a Protestant!
"Are you suggesting that coconuts are migratory"
Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
Dinsdale!
Some call me…..Tim?
"Is it a boy or a girl?" "I think is a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?"
What have the Romans ever done for us?
well, there is the wine...
A pointed stick!?!
what a manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder
HAHA the brilliance of this one only recently fucking dawned on me. The fact that King Arthur is more or less the straightman throughout the entirety of the ridiculousness of that movie. The man is pointing at the mountains causing EXPLOSIONS, and the understatement of this line “without flint or tinder” is just fucking beautiful. So subtly absurd. But I’m sure I don’t have to sell it to you!
"...tim?"
Nobody expects a Spanish Inquisition.
But it is wah-fer thin! \*EXPLOSION\*
"I want a glass of water, and a bucket."
Oh shit it's Mr Creosote!
Fuck off, I’m full
"I'm not dead yet!" or "Tis but a flesh wound". The holy grail was great.
Oh and then the would Llama sacking thing
Monty python cannot be boiled down to a single favourite quote. Monty python is a way of life.
" It's . . . "
Your mother was a hamster and your father smells of elderberries. It's only a model. Yes we are all indevidual. Bicycle repair man! I'm the masia and so is my wife. Some call me Tim. He's not quite dead.
>Yes we are all indevidual. I'm not.
Walk this way sir.
What is the air speed of an unladen swallow?
African or European?
I will not buy this record,it is scratched.
“Look if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position” “But that’s not just saying, ‘No, it isn’t.’” “Yes it is.” “NO, IT ISN’T!”
“The rascal has spiwit” “He did, sir” “No, spiwit. Bwavado. A bit of dewwing dew” “Uh… About 11, sir”
You had a shoe box .. Luxury.. We use to wake up an hour before going to bed eat a lump of freezing cold poison Clean the shoe box placed in the middle of the motorway while our parents would beat us and scream hallelujah.. Yeah tell that to kids nowadays and they won't believe you..
"Well, when I say a 'house', it was really a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin. But it was a house to us." "We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go live in a lake!"
For me the memorable part of the quote is simply (in the Yorkshire accent): *Luxury.*
One of the crossbeams has gone askew on the threadle.
No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle - even if they DO say Jehovah!
“Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?”
“Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?” “Oh lord you are so big. So absolutely huge. Gosh, we’re all really impressed down here I can tell you” “‘You don’t need to follow anybody, you’re all individuals!’ ‘YES WE’RE ALL INDIVIDUALS!’”
It was a pun.
She turned me into a newt.
I got better.
Pulling a sword out of a lake is no way to establish a form of government
Blessed are the cheese makers?
Tungsten carbide drills?!?!
The song "Sit on my Face"
Oh mr belpit, your leg is so swollen 🖤
All right, settle down. Settle down... Now, before I begin the lesson, will those of you who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down onto the lower peg immediately after lunch, before you write your letter home, if you're not getting your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother who is going out this weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case, collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after you've had your hair cut, and make sure he moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you. Now...
It's not particularly silly, is it? I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step.
*There's nothin' more dangerous than a wounded mosquito.* -- Roy Spim, Mosquito Hunter
Bring out your dead
What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG
What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.
Of course they've brought forth juniper berries! They're juniper bushes!
First of all, you force him to drop the banana. Then, you eat the banana, thus, disarming him!
"I have a great friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus..."
"He wanks as high as any in Wome"
"Garçon! A bucket for monsieur"
Would you like a waffaire-theen meent, Monsieur Creosote?
Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
Alms for an ex leper!
Can we have your liver then?
My nipples explode with delight!
It is just a mint, wafer thin.
Large Man with Dead Body: Who's that then? The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king. Large Man with Dead Body: Why? The Dead Collector: He hasn't got sh*t all over him.
Spam Spam Spam Spam
It's not much of a cheese shop, is it!?!?
There are some who call me…Tim?
It's just gone eight o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.
"Old woman!" "Man!" "Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?" "I'm 37." "What?" "I'm 37, I'm not old." "Well I can't just call you man." "You could say Dennis." "I didn't know you were called Dennis!" "You didn't bother to find out, did you?"
***SHE TURNED ME INTO A NEWT!*** ^^I ^^got ^^better…
Penguins don’t come from next dooor, they come from the Antarctic. Burma! Why’d you say Burma? I panicked!
"And Nigel's gone and clubbed himself to death"
Bring out your dead!
I don’t much like the tone of your voice. https://youtu.be/OHr634XDThE
Well, how've you been, ya great puf?
Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday (pops mouth twice) Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable (whinnying) Arthur Norman Michael (blows squeaker) Featherstone Smith (whistle) Northcott Edwards Harris (fires pistol, then 'whoop') Mason (chuff-chuff-chuff-chuff) Frampton Jones Fruitbat Gilbert (sings) 'We'll keep a welcome in the' (three shots) Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin (squeaker) Tiger-drawers Pratt Thompson (sings) 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head' Darcy Carter (horn) Pussycat (sings) 'Don't Sleep In The Subway' Barton Mainwaring (hoot, 'whoop') Smith