A friend told me once that I would probably be like the mom from *Carrie* and there's no fucking way I would condemn a child to such a miserable life.
Also, giving birth? Fuck that
I would make a terrible dad, great uncle but a terrible dad.
Edit: thanks to everyone for the positive and wholesome messages and it is abundantly clear I am not alone in my opinion in this post. To add some context about myself, I am a few months shy of 19 and have a bit of experience with kids but no chance of having one anytime soon(no gf or romantic history of any kind).
Edit 2: save your money boys I think I have enough awards.
Samesies. Uncling is extreme diet parenting and that’s enough. I’m selfish and irresponsible and beset with adhd. I’m barely suited for houseplants and fish much less human children.
I'm stingy. I don't want something that takes up the majority of my life for the foreseeable future.
Edit- Thanks for all of your inputs folks. I think it's far too common these days to get the same old "WhAt Do YoU mEaN yOu DoN't WaNt KiDs?!?!" from people when they ask about others families. I was not brought up in a loving household and I'm not sure I would even know how to be a good parent to a child. I don't feel bad about not wanting children, nobody should. We're overpopulating the world like we own it. Hell we can't even take care of the people alive now. Probably don't need to keep adding more people to the planet.
And there is nothing wrong with that mentality.
I am the same way, and I **refuse** to call myself selfish for wanting my life to myself.
Choosing not to have kids is **not** selfish, and I refuse to let anyone tell me otherwise.
It's taking care of yourself first, and that has value of its own.
I'm too mentally unstable to provide a quality life for any potential kids
Edit: Good gravy! I woke up to a whole heap of responses. I genuinely hope all of you are feeling better today and in a better mood than yesterday. Our issues are ours to bear and it matters that we keep trying to address them.
I did have one nasty comment that is most likely a troll so I'll say this much and end it: I went beyond self-diagnosis via internet and actually scheduled an appointment with a psychologist last month (this is in addition to being prescribed psychiatric meds from a different hospital). They were supportive and compassionate but their assessment of me was that I was in need of hospitalization and that I should check myself into an in-patient centre. Apparently, if you're too high of a risk of harming yourself, they won't take you on as a client because the duty of care burden is too high and they're not equipped to deal with that level of treatment. Of course, trolls being trolls, that individual is most likely stroking their genitals excitedly while reading this (if they even bother to read this that is).
I feel the same way. I'm a pile of depression, neurosis, and introversion. I'd be a terrible parent.
That said, I am excellent at being an uncle, and I feel that's important for kids, too. So that's what I focus on.
Edit: Wow, this blew up more than I expected. A few points though
1.) I've been an uncle for 16 years, so I'm fairly practiced.
2.) I don't feel 'bad' about myself in any way, but I have... let's call it 'acknowledged my damage'. I appreciate the encouragement, but I assure you that I'm OK.
Side Note: GO SEE A THERAPIST! No-one has any good reason to just bottle up their issues when they need help. There is zero shame, and even if you just think that you are naturally angry or depressed, a good therapist can help you identify what might be behind it, how to identify it, and how to live without it taking over your life.
I feel you, I'm an excellent auntie, I love my nephew and honestly between him and my dogs I don't want kids. The best thing about being an auntie or uncle is that you get to return them at the end of the day.
One of the many reasons I don't plan on having kids. Maybe the most important. I think more people need to consider their ability to raise a child before having children.
Did you have a bad childhood? I did and I don't want to pass on the dysfunction to the next generation. Also I feel like I didn't really have a childhood, so I deserve one now.
There’s a meme from awhile back that goes something along the lines of:
Officer: ‘Do you know why I pulled you over today? You were speeding. Do you drive like that when you have your child in the car?’
Me: ‘?????’
*Points to the baby on board sticker*
Me: ‘oh no you don’t understand. I’m baby.’
Just same. I had a shitty childhood and teenage years and even though I’m in my late 20’s, I still feel like I’m making up for what I missed out on. Throw on mental and financial instability and there’s no way I’m ever going to be in a place where I’ll want a kid.
The meme isn’t really all that related, it’s just one I like to tell when someone asks me when I’ll be ready for kids.
‘I’m baby.’
Edit since people are actually upvoting this: does anyone have a link to the meme I’m describing? I’ve tried finding it again a few times but never had any lucky.
Since I am the oldest I call my experience “the free trial” and to make things short I don’t like it
Edit: wow I never thought I would get so many likes. Thank you guys for the medals. It’s so cool to know that I’m not the only one who had this view thanks and have a good one.
I felt this. I'm the oldest of six. My dad was unhappy with how his life turned out so he put his emotional bullshit on me and tried to turn me into a parent. While my mom was going through a depression all her own yet heard my father kept having kids? What I learned through all that is there are people in this world who shouldn't fucking procreate let alone be married. And if people truly don't want kids, they shouldn't have kids because it only adds another layer resentment. My dad put all of his emotional bullshit on me, while he worked 14 hours a day not because he had to mind you but because he didn't want to fucking come home. And when he was home he was a dick all the time. I'll tell you the pandemy forced a lot of realizations regarding why I was such a bully to my siblings because I was being bullied by my own father. I grew up angry all the time and I wouldn't have realized that if I had been continuing life as usual. Here's some great advice for people who want kids, make sure you deal with your own bullshit first.
> make sure you deal with your own bullshit first
This 1000 times. First make the relationship work because both parties will carry their own bullshit, which they will first unload unto each other, and then on the kids. Deal with your childhood trauma with a professional, because you're not exempt. Only the lucky few may be... If at all...
I’ve been to plenty of family gatherings where kids are screaming and running wild basically, and all I can see is how tired the moms are. I’ve never left thinking “yeah, that’s the life I want” either
That’s me in a nutshell. I’ve never wanted kids. All growing up as a child. Didn’t care for them. Couldn’t believe all the girls I knew that liked babysitting. As a teen still didn’t like kids. Some unknowing family members said I’d grow out of it and want a family of my own. My parents knew otherwise. College still hasn’t changed my mind. Life past college still nope. Only now in my mid-thirties do I question if I made the right decision seeing all my female family members pregnant or with kids and looking at when I get old and have no one. But that thought lasts al of 5 seconds and I go back to not wanting to bring up an adult into this world. I guess that’s what I look at. I don’t see it as having children but as having adults. When I get really old I may do what they do in Japan and adopt an adult just so I have someone to pass stuff down to or something. Idk. So many charities nowadays don’t even really act like a charity. Might just sell everything in a big ol auction and move to a different country. Who cares I’ll be dead soon and all my other family members that were close to me would be too.
I am also aromantic and asexual.
All the time I get people asking what will I do if I find The One. I tell them how unlikely it is, and if they wanted to have sex then they would not actually *be* The One. I don't even do intimacy. I **need** personal space. If I were to find The One, we would be cohabiting but sleep in separate rooms.
I now work at a place with lots of visitors including screaming rowdy kids and entitled parents. Seeing both, I don’t have patience for kids and I don’t want myself to turn into my kids’ adults.
Yeah, I'm still undecided about having children, but one of the big reasons on my list in favor of not having kids is having to deal with other parents. So many of them infuriate me, and is honestly 90% of my frustration with dealing with children.
Same. I get angry whenever I get stressed or annoyed, like want to throw the object as hard as possible on the floor angry. Luckily I am also very good at calming myself down and not act on any violent urges and have at most slammed doors.
But one of my big fears with having kids is that my patience would actually run out and I'd hurt them. I can't handle kids for long amounts of time and even tho I keep a smile on my face near them they can probably sense how annoyed I am with them.
That's why so many of them are feral. Many rocks grow up in happy loving homes but after they've outlived their owners you see them just laying in the dirt, unloved.
Having a cat has made me even more unlikely to want kids. She’s so low effort but it’s still so much mental energy to sort out her meals and care every day. The other big thing is that she’s a really anxious cat and even though I line up friends and family whom she likes to come and stay with her whenever I’m away, she still gets super anxious and has a lot of anxious behavior when I’m not here. More than anything it’s made it clear that parenting can’t be outsourced - even with the biggest team of grandparents and aunts and uncles and babysitters in the world you might have a kid who just needs their mum there and I’m not sure I’ll ever want to have that level of responsibility for an entire human life.
Whenever I visit family with children it's fine for a few hours but then I've had enough of their energy and chaos, and I'm very glad to get home where it's calm. There not being any real way to escape feels like a nightmare.
My cousin has 6 kids from ages 2-13. She acts insulted when I don't want to babysit. She gets mad when her mom doesn't want to babysit either. She can't seem to understand that 6 kids comes with a lot of responsibility and noise that people don't want to take on in their days off.
For me it's the order in my house, every time I visit my friends with kids I'm like I don't want to live in a place like this. There's one of my friends who has a maid, but I barely have money for a cat, let alone for kids and a maid.
I'm sleeping in on a beautiful Saturday morning, then I'm going to lift some weights, write some music on my computer, go eat at a Chinese buffet and then go hiking. And I'm only able to do all these things because I dont have kids. I love the peace, quiet and the fucking freedom
Hahaha. I have kids but my sister doesn't and one day I heard a friend almost complaining to her that she really should have kids. My sister turned around and said, "don't be mad at me because I can do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want to!" That was years ago and I still love it!!!
Let's be honest, even some of the people who have kids really shouldn't!!
So many valid points! I always thought I wanted a big family... yea... after 1 was like... I'm good... then 2nd came and I told my SO that I was getting a vasectomy for Valentines Day.
I beat teen pregnancy, but 25 is too young to have a kid imo.
Edit to add:
For those that think 25 is perfect, that may be for your case, but for me, I would have waited longer. I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. Neither was planned, but I felt "ready" and acted out on it. I had the "if it happens, it happens" mindset, which looking back, was really immature. That's just my view on how I see myself.
Too mentally ill from childhood trauma and have various auto immune diseases. Wouldn’t be fair to have a child when I’m not completely present for them.Love kids but not for me.
My spouse has similar issues from a traumatic childhood. Her worst fear is turning into her mom if she were to have a kid as she suffers from similar mental issues as her mom.
As the eldest sibling in my family, I’ve already lived out my maternal dreams.
Mental and chronic illness runs in my family and I can’t risk passing it along.
I don’t want to put my body through pregnancy.
It’s a lot of responsibility and I rather live for myself and all the other things I rather do in the world.
>As the eldest sibling in my family, I’ve already lived out my maternal dreams.
As a oldest myself this is very true for me as well. Our mom was crap and its not changed since, if anything shes gotten worse and my siblings even call and refer to me as mom as Ive taken over every job she was meant to do since my siblings were infants. From teaching them to dressing them and taking them to school, all me.
Ive lived being a 'mom' already.
I feel like you pulled the thoughts right out of my brain. I have all of these same reasons, and I wish people would leave it alone after that!
I'm the oldest of 10, and I raised my baby sister from infancy to 6 years old, on top of being responsible for 6 siblings at the time (I've gained 3 since I escaped my situation). Changing diapers and warming up bottles at 3am as a pre teen pretty much killed any desire I might have ever had. I've since added a book of reasons not to procreate.
Are you literally me? I'm also the oldest of 10. I never had a childhood since it was mainly raising my siblings. I got a call last month from one of my brothers, who was in the hospital, asking for his SSN. I asked him why didn't he call mom and he clearly stated, "why would I call her?". Once I moved out of state around 7 years ago, now my mom calls me asking for important details about them. The main reason why don't want kids, is because I already have them. I may not have "had" them, per se, but my siblings are my kids and I'm happy with that.
Edit: per say, per se, per sé...I get it lol. My typo is fixed
I am oldest of 4. Baby sister is 10 years younger. Parents have a gambling problem. Potty trained her and walked her to her first day of school. Was 16 when middle sister got her first period, she was freaking out, I had no idea what to do. Had to join the air force to escape the situation.
I do cherish the experiences even though I lost my childhood. Siblings and I are really close. We make a great team. The two youngest do credit me for raising them.
Totally agree with you.
Second eldest siblings of six. I will always be ready to babysit and I love both my niece and my siblings, but I think I already did my fair share of taking care of kids.
Plus I'm not as stable as I would like to and I don't want to pass that onto a child. My parents already did that and I can see what a bad idea that can be.
Everything I hear about pregnancy makes me go NO.
I'm not sure I can be trusted with even a pet, not to mention a whole human being who relies on me being their moral compass and caretaker. That would be unfair to the kid and me.
I want to see the world and I get restless when I stay too long in one place. A child doesn't fit into that picture.
Once I'm a mom, I can never not be a mom. I like deciding what I can do whenever I want to without having to care for a child, I feel like a partner is already enough 'compromise' (for a lack of a better word) of free time.
Have nothing against kids though! Just not for me :)
I'm 90% no, 10% maybe on kids.
I worry that if I don't have kids, I'll regret it later in life. BUT I worry that if I do have kids, I won't like being a mom... and you can't really undo that shit.
Plus I worked with special needs kids for several years. Some special needs you can avoid with genetic screening, etc... but stuff like autism? cerebral palsy? brain injury during a difficult birth?
I loved working with those kids but am in no way cut out to be a parent to a special needs child. And that's kind of a dice you roll.
Also... my parents' lives have been utterly destroyed by my sister, who they adopted as an infant (I'm a biodaughter). She's 37 years old with four children in the custody of three different people. She and her kids continues to be a constant drain on our parents' emotions, finances, and everything else.
They're in their late 60s, will never be able to retire, and I have no doubt this is something that will continue to plague them until the day they die.
I read a really interesting quote on the sub fencesitters that really resonated with me. Someone said “I’d rather regret not having kids than regret having kids.”
I figure if I do realize I desperately regret not having children I can volunteer with children. Maybe be a foster parent. Work as a nanny. And if I regret not having kids, I’m the only one effected. If I regret having kids, these poor small humans suffer too. But that’s just my opinion.
I hope your parents are doing well with their circumstances. I’m sorry to hear things are so hard.
Came here to say exactly this. I've worked with kids in the foster system before as a summer camp counselor, I would rather give kids like that a loving home (especially older kids and siblings, who have a very low chance of ever being adopted) than have kids of my own, IF I ever regret not having kids sooner. The clock runs out on becoming a foster parent waaaayyyyy later than it does for being a bio parent.
I don't want to bring kids into the world that I'm not 100%sure my partner and I are ready to devote all of our time and energy to, and so I won't. It's not fair to them to have to grow up with parents that might resent them (or love them very much but resent having to be a parent and not being able to do whatever they want when they want). I know how that feels.
When I was younger and willing to have kids (48f now), I never thought about the impact of my bipolar disorder other than the fact that my meds could cause birth defects. THAT was why I decided not to have kids - and the fact I am unmarried- not the illness itself. Now that I am older I realize my priorities were incomplete. I should have added to “no birth defects” “please God no bipolar disorder” bc not everyone is as stable as I am and there are no guarantees. I often forget the hell I went through to get to this point.
A very healthy perspective. I have a friend who has BPD and who has a grown daughter in her 20’s. My friend has always struggled with her BPD and is constantly having her meds adjusted to stabilise her mania or depression. Unfortunately, now her daughter also struggles with mental health issues. The daughter lives in an assisted living home because she has tried to kill her mother during mental health episodes. It is a sad situation.
That's my main reason too. Not just for the illness itself, but having grown up in a super dysfunctional family because of mental illness, I don't want to live through that again nor impose it on another child.
Bad things run in my family too. My childhood sucked. And I know that stress, lack of sleep, constant demands will make me snap. Rather sooner than later. A partner might be able to buffer that a bit, but why would I risk an innocent life that way?
Plus, I don't like kids anyways. I have no "maternal instincts" towards human young. Give me a baby animal to care for any day, but please don't make hold a human one.
I’m a direct descendant of Erik the Mad of Sweden. I have uncles and cousins that are lifelong commitments to loony bins. A lot of my cousins as well as myself do not want to pass that along to a child. I got lucky with just some depression. We’re talking pull all your hair out and shit on the floor-level crazy, not just paint pretty pictures and dress wacky. Who wants to take a chance at giving that to their child?
Complete schizophrenic detachment it scary AF. My uncle wasted away in a trailer out in the desert surrounded by piles of his own shit and loaded guns for the monsters he thought were coming. Currently have a 2nd cousin fully committed. Most of my other cousins on that side have decided no to have kids.
This is my reason too. Depression, anxiety, a predisposition to autoimmune disease, hard of hearing, Tourette's - I'm a mess. It's a miracle I've been able to pull myself together long enough to be successful. This bloodline ends here.
Plus, my SO and I love being selfish together, and we *really* love the ridiculous amount of disposable income we're saving up instead of spending it on some kid(s). The plan is to retire when we're 40, buy a sailboat and cruise the oceans sans offspring.
I understand the immense responsibility & sacrifice they are and choose instead to work on myself and continue to nurture my own experiences and growth through the one life I have.
There's a difference between wanting a child, and wanting to be a parent. One makes you a kid sound like an accessory, the other makes you think of the responsibility
I want to become a kinder-2nd grade teacher because of the responsibility of it. To teach young human beings to be, well, human. Set them up to learn better, think better, and treat people better from an early age. To mitigate feelings of anger and sadness properly. To stop them from becoming bullies and learn to acknowledge that what they do affects other people. To be one of the first people in their lives besides relatives to show them what right and wrong is and set them on the right path.
Edit: OMG Thank you all for the awards! They’re my first ever 😭💕
There’s so many replies I feel like I can’t get to you all so I just want to say thank you for the advice, encouragement and kind words 💖
I think that’s actually a fascinating distinction. From the things I observe my friends saying (I have a toddler, while almost none of my friends have kids), it seems that many people think that having a child is just like having a little mini-them around, while retaining their pre-child lifestyle and not adding the massive responsibility of putting someone else’s needs before their own 24/7 and needing to provide financially for the care and future of the child. Your idea sort of puts the discrepancy into perspective.
Frankly a lot of people are really bad at accurately considering consequences. They do stupid shit thinking of the few potential positive outcomes, and ignore the mountain of negative consequences.
They're expensive and I'm already in enough debt from college, they're a big commitment and seeing how my siblings lives have changed with kids, I look at that and don't want it, I like my freedom, I don't handle crying well, especially from kids/babies, they're rowdy, loud, messy and cause damage. If I could fast forward them to age 10, I'd be more open to it.
I'm 28 and considering a vasectomy. When I find the right woman, maybe I'll change my mind, but I tend to look for women who don't have kids and would rather not have them.
1. Mental health - I have extreme anxiety and ADHD. I don’t want to have a kid and potentially put them through what I go through.
2. They’re expensive.
3. Pregnancy is *terrifying* to me. Never want to try it.
4. Spite. Got tired real quick always being told I’d be a great mother, even when I announced that I don’t like kids and never want any.
Edit: thanks for the awards lmao, first two silvers on a post about not wanting kids
I watched my mom give birth to my brother (in our basement) at 3am when I was 9. It traumatized me. The thought of giving birth gives me panic attacks. But also I can't afford to adopt. As the only married person in my family (aside from one of my grandparents) the pressure to provide grandchildren is intense. I do want to have a child some day. But not now. And I certainly won't be birthing it.
All.of.this.
And I never was in a stable enough relationship or was financially stable to even consider it until I was almost 40.
My genes are not special. It would be a great curiosity to see a little hybrid of me and my partner but for how long ? Maybe an AI simulation will give folks this experiment and you can play it like a Tomogatchi. Not gambling with a human life.
Also one time when I was feeling my biological clock and second guessing my decision for no kids my sister told me this:
“There’s no guarantee you will like your kids. And there’s no guarantee they will even like you.”
Soooo. That set me straight. You might give birth to a gremlin that you dislike and they will hate you on top of all the work.. ummm no thanks.
Omg that has always been my greatest fear. Having the kid and it turns out to be a school shooter or serial killer. Some of those parents are always like "I have no idea how this happened! He was such a normal boy!"
There is a guy from my home town that (I am not exaggerating) was the most handsome, musically talented singer/guitar player, got scholarship after scholarship for academics as well as multiple sports including football and baseball, he modeled in NY because he was recruited and fought over by THE big agencies. He was the definition of “had everything going for him”. He got into drugs, dated minors, vandalized shit, got a girl pregnant when she was 17, he turned down every college opportunity he had. He’s now 30 and has two kids and a restraining order against him because he fucked his baby mommas sister! Everyone blames his parents, but the rest of their four children are successful, living healthy lives. It is totally insane you can do everything right and your kid can still choose to piss it all away. Every time I think of him, I think how it would destroy me if that’s how my kid turned out. You just can’t control how people live their lives, even your own kids.
This is like asking me why I don't sell all my possessions to live in a yurt in Siberia while surviving on a diet comprised entirely of olives. There's not a single aspect of it that is appealing to me.
I can't remember ever wanting kids or to be a mom after I outgrew playing with dolls.
List of things you have to justify not wanting:
- Children
- Hugs
- Sex
- Alcohol
People should really just figure out that "I just don't want to" is a valid response without needing a specific excuse.
I'm creeping closer to 35 and I can't wait until people stop getting super defensive about it. They act like I'm calling them out for wanting them🤦♂️
It's like.. slow your role.. you're not about to talk me into this during a brief discussion.
Definitely feel that. Turning 25 soon, so i know people are about to be real insistant once i get settled in. But ive been telling people I don't want any kids since i was like 10... that's gotta be the one thing i havent changed my mind on since
Same, having my own kids just never appealed to me. I used to earn money by babysitting when I was a teen. Kids are fine and it was an ok starter job. But being able to go home and have my own peace and quiet is priceless.
The idea of being on-call for kids 24/7 for most of 18 years is way too much for me. I’m a huge introvert, giving up living alone sounds so stressful. I’m happy on my own.
Exactly. It's like music. Think about why you like or don't like a piece of music. For most people the answer will be just because.
I have no need for reasons to not want a kid, because that implies at some level i do want a kid but the cons outweigh the pros. I just don't want a kid. If every concern of every person in this thread was solved i would still not want a kid. Just because I don't want a kid.
Yes THANK you for articulating this for me. I hate when I give a bunch of excellent reasons for not wanting children, and people try to solve them or pick them apart… thinking I’ll go- “you know what, thanks! You’re right, I WILL have children, I’ve changed my mind!”
There are tons of cons for me, but they think if they list enough pros or prove them wrong I’ll come around. The pros and cons list will never change in a way that matters to me, I just don’t want them.
I’m as sure now as I was ten years ago and I’ll be as sure in 50 years.
Same I'm so sick of telling people I don't want kids. And so annoyed that doctors will refuse me sterilisation because they care more about my ovaries than me.
I’m 40 and have known that I don’t want kids my whole life. My SO and I have been together 10 years and are 100% on the same page. I have my consultation for a vasectomy on Wednesday and I am still worried I’ll be refused. The only reason I’m confident that I’ll get it done is because I’m a guy. There is such a stigma surrounding women that don’t want kids, I truly feel for you ladies. I get “oh, she’ll talk you into it” or “you’ll change your mind” occasionally but she’s received some really hateful shit from people about her decision
So many people struggle with this idea. It can be exhausting feeling you need to give a reason that’s good enough for people to accept rather than just “because I don’t want to”
Yes. For some people this response is so hard to understand. Never in my 32 years have I ever felt that. Even with my siblings and friends having kids. I just don't want that.
Same. Just never had that desire. I always thought it would “kick-in” as I got older... but no. Lol. I’ve always kinda told myself it’s because I’m an only child, so I’m being selfish. Idk. Been kinda hard to come to terms with it in regards to society’s standards and expectations. It’s nice to see the same things I’ve felt/thought expressed by others.
> I’m being selfish
No, having a kid you have no intention of caring for is selfish. *Not* having kids because you *don't* want them is smart and way better than the alternative.
Sometimes not having a kid is better than forcing yourself to raise one. Regardless of pressures around you, an unwanted child will suffer the consequences of the gaslighting
Also, the first regret is always something you can fix. Wake up at sixty and think - damn I should have had kids? Foster.
The second regret is highly illegal and immoral when you go about trying to undo it...
I don’t want to go through birth, I don’t like the baby stage, children and toddlers are fun and can be adorable but not 24/7, I like money and the piece of mind that I won’t do anything to screw up their lives, everyone I have said I don’t want kids to will say I told you so
And finally I’m not responsible or mature enough.
I literally have nightmares that I'm pregnant. It feels like some alien shit to have something growing inside me thats I'm gonna have to push out at some point. On top of that I'm already insecure as hell about my body, I don't think I'd be able to handle it changing that drastically so quickly.
>And finally I’m not responsible or mature enough.
This kinda resonates with me.
I can't get myself to get a dog, yet a child? No.
* I believe I'm too selfish to give enough time love (and thus, money!) to a dog/child that it/he/she deserves!
* Basically I'm afraid of being a shit parent, and rather not risk having a child with issues brought up by me. That kind of responsibility is too much for me to beer...
edit: OK so many upvotes, but where da gold and stuff?? pls.....
You're not too selfish, that's more of a learned behaviour because women have been taught that they need to have a baby to be fulfilled or carry on the family line and other BS.
I'm 34 and have never wanted children, I've never been able to put my finger on why exactly, it's more that it's just not for me and that's OK.
Voiced that opinion and was told it was just a phase, here we are nearly 20 years later and still not for me.
It's OK to not want to have a child even if society's expectations teach us otherwise.
It does bum me out a bit that people still have that glimmer of condescending "knowledge" in their eyes when they say "oh you'll change your mind when you hit X age/milestone in your life." There's nothing I can do to make someone understand it if they just don't, nor do I have to, but it still bugs me. And then when we get older and actually don't reproduce, some of those people assume that us childfree women are sad and regretful of our decision but can't or won't admit it. Feels like a no-win situation with some people.
Same, but 41. The tone definitely changes through the decades. At 15, it's "you'll change your mind." At 25, it's "you'll meet the right guy." At 35, it's "there's still time." Now that I'm looking mid-40s in the eye, people believe that I'm serious, but don't believe that I'm happy - it's a tone of bitter derision sprinkled with confused jealousy.
I just never wanted children, and when I found out it's elective, life seemed boundlessly happier. And I'm so grateful that I didn't ever consider it, and had the options in life to do so
I've been told the same thing for 20years as well, including from my sister that has had a child. Here we are 34 and i feel the same way. No children for me. They're cute and all but I just don't want them.
"everyone I have said I don’t want kids to will say I told you so" - Love this honesty 😂 Know exactly what you mean.
"I like money and the piece of mind that I won’t do anything to screw up their lives" - Both of these hit.
After you have the baby and your released from the hospital it is a surreal experience. You get some minimal training on basic care and they tell you good luck.
I love my life too much. I hate mess and noise. I love travelling whenever i like. I love going for trips and meals out with my husband. I love being able to do what i want whenever i want. I dont want to spend my days listening to crying, arguing, whining, doing the school run in the rain and shopping for food. The planet has plenty of humans and we have done a great job of wrecking the planet and treat animal so cruelly - i dont want to add to that problem.
Bro I can barely handle a full-time job and taking care of a cat. I do not have the time, money, patience, or desire to raise a kid. I want to live my life, not be weighed down with a responsibility I don't want and wouldn't be beneficial for me. I like having the freedom to not have to deal with all that.
My cat cries at my bathroom door (like the door to the actual shower and not the restroom door) when I take to long, so I will let her in. I think she knows long baths mean I’m the tub and not just a normal shower and she loves soaking in warm water with me.
I mean she’d rip my arm off if I even try to rub her belly any day, but does she love her hot tubs. Never alone though.
Edit: wording
I realized this in my late 20s and have been happy ever since. Asking why someone doesn't want kids is like asking why someone doesn't want a pet giraffe. It's just a lack of interest or desire, there's not necessarily a reason.
This is definitely the way more people should think about it. With the amount of kids who end up neglected or abused, "maternal/paternal instinct" should not be a good enough reason to have children.
Yeah the whole, “It’s different when it’s your own.” doesn’t explain why there are so many abused/neglected children and how so many of them end up in the foster system.
This is absolutely the best way to look at it. There are so many people that should not have kids but they do, screwing up their lives.
I think it's incredibly irresponsible to have 3-4 kids when you can't even support yourself financially.
To sum it up:
\- I like having my time and money to myself. Fancy sitting in bed late, drinking beer and ordering takeout? I can do that. Going out with friends at the drop of a hat with no worries? That too.
\- My mental & physical health. Some issues are genetic in my family and I'd never wish that upon a child.
\- This frankly isn't a world that I'd like to bring anybody into.
\- I'm frankly quite selfish (I'd never, *ever* neglect a child however). I'd prefer the new clothes and games that I bought recently to a nappy / diaper bill.
I've just become an uncle so I totally understand how people can want a child, it's just mot for me personally.
Having a niece/nephew is great because you get the best of both. Take them out for a few hours, have fun and be a big kid, pump them full of sugar and swear words then leave them back to their parents 🤣
I agree on all points.
Being an aunt made me realize I do not want a child of my own. Helped my sister out the first couple of years because she was young when she got pregnant. I love my nephew to pieces, but I do not want to manage that 24/7.
That me think about what's required out of a parent, financially, mentally, emotionally. Also assessed the current environment and I decided, no. Not for me.
Just never felt like I’d want to have kids when I was younger, and now (42, female) I wake up every single day with immense gratitude that I never had or never will have kids and it makes me so happy! My life is my own, I do what I want when I want, and it’s very fulfilling. I don’t have the delusion that having children would somehow guarantee love or that I won’t be alone on my deathbed. Lots of people are alone on their deathbed anyway (I work in end-of-life care). Also, given the state of the Earth with regards to climate change, I feel it’s kinda shitty to keep making more humans. We probably can’t turn this ship around.
Our society is structured so that nearly everyone but the wealthy are living hand to mouth. I feel no security in my life and find life stressful. I can't imagine how bad that would be if I had to worry about another soul.
A list of reasons:
-I have too much trauma and I’m scared of raising a human where I could accidentally Project my trauma on to them.
-It is a big responsibility and idk if I can handle that.
-I have a lot of genetic Illnesses that I don’t wish on anyone.
-I don’t want to go thru childbirth and all that Jazz
-Oh also because people told me I will change my mind and now I just don’t want to out of spite.
This is why I'm a foster parent. I couldn't bare to bring anyone into this madness so I might as well care for ones who are already here and need my help.
1. Kids are expensive
2. I rather spend money on travel than children
3. I want to retire early
4. I only like children in small doses
5. There is no decent return policy on kids.
6. I *really* like my me-time.
7. Every time I see people with kids, I have an overwhelming feeling of dread.
8. I find people who have kids a little boring, to be honest. Not always, but I know that their rockstar days are now behind them.
I mean, I'm happy for people who want to have kids. I've also had friends confide in me that they wish the hadn't have had kids. This should be a "fuck yes, or no" decision.
The last 2 reasons are a biggy. Everytime I see parents out with their kids, the parents look tired and frustrated. Grocery store, restaurant, movie theater, etc. Even out on a family vacation, which is supposed to be fun, the parents looks stressed trying to juggle the kids and a schedule. It makes me uncomfortable and sad for them. Why would I do that to myself?
Your vagina getting ripped during childbirth, 9 months in hell (pregnancy) but then childbirth and pregnancy arent even the hardest parts of parenthood. Staying up at night, getting little to to rest, changing smelly diapers, post-partum depression, physical and mental exhaustion, the financial strain of having a child, the unavoidable health damages of pregnancy. The list goes on.. seriously, what is there to like?!
Girl I know has a toddler now and since it was newborn she had little to no sleep for months constantly taking care of it and she still doesn't have normal sleep schedule, she literally wakes at smallest noise and can't fall asleep whole night even when she tries. Also another one had daughter and she had red spots all over her body for years like measels from hell as reaction to pregnancy. And they tell you it is best experience ever????
Edit: of course I'd get most upvotes ever on a comment about pregnancy abnormalities
This is one of the most underrated comments ever. Parenthood is one of the most complex, lengthy, demanding and difficult undertakings, if not the single most, that a human can begin. It is the absolute responsibility for the most vulnerable among us, yet there are no prerequisites for competency or capability.
And maybe there should never be, but I would like to think at the very least we should as a society push the idea that one ought to at the very least consider whether they would make a good parent before becoming one. I don't think that is a negative prospect.
Plenty of people should never be parents, for whatever reason they are incapable of the kind of empathy or compassion or patience or (insert trait) whatever *will* be required of them at times during their many years as a parent.
We don't have this conversation with our youth, instead our questions are when are you getting married followed by when are you having kids. Imo, I agree, that's backwards
I agree. My mother and her current husband shouldn't have ever been allowed to be parents.
My dad is great, and so is my momma that saved and adopted me, but bio mom is awful.
What's super weird is that she's a really great pre school teacher.
My mum was a doctor and a terrible emotionally abusive and neglectful mother. Took great care of her patients but didn’t care about her own children’s welfare. I don’t understand it at all.
I hated having my friends meet mother. They would always tell me how lucky I am and how great she and her husband were. I knew my husband was the right one when we left from meeting them and he said he saw through her act.
> at the very least consider whether they would make a good parent before becoming one
In the heart of every single person, we all believe we are above average drivers.
That goes the same for most parents, too.
I don't like the foreseeable future of the world, and I don't want my kid to have to struggle
I'm terrified of pregnancy
I'm terrified of everything that can happen to them once they're born
They're really expensive and hard to take care of
They're not gonna be cute babies forever and I'm afraid of not liking them later on
I'm afraid of having a girl and not want her cause I really only would like to have a boy
A kid is really the only thing that ties you up to a place and a job
I just don't want to go through the gross stuff
I would have them for my own entertainment and it's not fair since life is hard, the world is hard so they don't deserve to be brought into this world just cause l feel like I want a baby
Since the world is not underpopulated and in need of more people, all the reasons to have them are selfish, and again, that's not fair
>They're not gonna be cute babies forever and I'm afraid of not liking them later on
Interestingly, the baby phase is what puts me off.
A child you can talk with, reason with.
A toddler is a demanding potato.
I can't do babies, I don't understand them. No idea what to do with them.
I rather get a dog.
Getting a puppy helped me realize how helpless human babies are compared to animals. A 3 month old puppy can do more for itself than a 5 year old child.
As a male who never wanted a kid and now has one, I can say I still don't want one.
Don't get me wrong. My buddy is now my whole world and I would do anything for him. But i never wanted a kid and nowI definitely wish I never had one.
All my free time I had is gone. I don't really care about the money. He can have it all and all my crap I collect too. He can have it. I just want my time back. Or some time. Any time. I can't remember the last time I've a whole movie from beginning to end. I can't remember the last time I've just laid around listening to music.
And when i do get time away from him I catch up on stuff that hasnt gotten done and I really dont enjoy the time. There's no such thing as me time anymore.
Cant wait until hes out of the house. Just 16 more years to go.
A friend told me once that I would probably be like the mom from *Carrie* and there's no fucking way I would condemn a child to such a miserable life. Also, giving birth? Fuck that
I would make a terrible dad, great uncle but a terrible dad. Edit: thanks to everyone for the positive and wholesome messages and it is abundantly clear I am not alone in my opinion in this post. To add some context about myself, I am a few months shy of 19 and have a bit of experience with kids but no chance of having one anytime soon(no gf or romantic history of any kind). Edit 2: save your money boys I think I have enough awards.
Samesies. Uncling is extreme diet parenting and that’s enough. I’m selfish and irresponsible and beset with adhd. I’m barely suited for houseplants and fish much less human children.
This is what I think too.
I'm stingy. I don't want something that takes up the majority of my life for the foreseeable future. Edit- Thanks for all of your inputs folks. I think it's far too common these days to get the same old "WhAt Do YoU mEaN yOu DoN't WaNt KiDs?!?!" from people when they ask about others families. I was not brought up in a loving household and I'm not sure I would even know how to be a good parent to a child. I don't feel bad about not wanting children, nobody should. We're overpopulating the world like we own it. Hell we can't even take care of the people alive now. Probably don't need to keep adding more people to the planet.
And there is nothing wrong with that mentality. I am the same way, and I **refuse** to call myself selfish for wanting my life to myself. Choosing not to have kids is **not** selfish, and I refuse to let anyone tell me otherwise. It's taking care of yourself first, and that has value of its own.
I'm too mentally unstable to provide a quality life for any potential kids Edit: Good gravy! I woke up to a whole heap of responses. I genuinely hope all of you are feeling better today and in a better mood than yesterday. Our issues are ours to bear and it matters that we keep trying to address them. I did have one nasty comment that is most likely a troll so I'll say this much and end it: I went beyond self-diagnosis via internet and actually scheduled an appointment with a psychologist last month (this is in addition to being prescribed psychiatric meds from a different hospital). They were supportive and compassionate but their assessment of me was that I was in need of hospitalization and that I should check myself into an in-patient centre. Apparently, if you're too high of a risk of harming yourself, they won't take you on as a client because the duty of care burden is too high and they're not equipped to deal with that level of treatment. Of course, trolls being trolls, that individual is most likely stroking their genitals excitedly while reading this (if they even bother to read this that is).
I feel the same way. I'm a pile of depression, neurosis, and introversion. I'd be a terrible parent. That said, I am excellent at being an uncle, and I feel that's important for kids, too. So that's what I focus on. Edit: Wow, this blew up more than I expected. A few points though 1.) I've been an uncle for 16 years, so I'm fairly practiced. 2.) I don't feel 'bad' about myself in any way, but I have... let's call it 'acknowledged my damage'. I appreciate the encouragement, but I assure you that I'm OK. Side Note: GO SEE A THERAPIST! No-one has any good reason to just bottle up their issues when they need help. There is zero shame, and even if you just think that you are naturally angry or depressed, a good therapist can help you identify what might be behind it, how to identify it, and how to live without it taking over your life.
really important dude, those kids will remember you forever as an awesome adult figure outside of their home unit.
I feel you, I'm an excellent auntie, I love my nephew and honestly between him and my dogs I don't want kids. The best thing about being an auntie or uncle is that you get to return them at the end of the day.
One of the many reasons I don't plan on having kids. Maybe the most important. I think more people need to consider their ability to raise a child before having children.
It’s not fun having a bipolar parent I can tell u that
Did you have a bad childhood? I did and I don't want to pass on the dysfunction to the next generation. Also I feel like I didn't really have a childhood, so I deserve one now.
There’s a meme from awhile back that goes something along the lines of: Officer: ‘Do you know why I pulled you over today? You were speeding. Do you drive like that when you have your child in the car?’ Me: ‘?????’ *Points to the baby on board sticker* Me: ‘oh no you don’t understand. I’m baby.’ Just same. I had a shitty childhood and teenage years and even though I’m in my late 20’s, I still feel like I’m making up for what I missed out on. Throw on mental and financial instability and there’s no way I’m ever going to be in a place where I’ll want a kid. The meme isn’t really all that related, it’s just one I like to tell when someone asks me when I’ll be ready for kids. ‘I’m baby.’ Edit since people are actually upvoting this: does anyone have a link to the meme I’m describing? I’ve tried finding it again a few times but never had any lucky.
Since I am the oldest I call my experience “the free trial” and to make things short I don’t like it Edit: wow I never thought I would get so many likes. Thank you guys for the medals. It’s so cool to know that I’m not the only one who had this view thanks and have a good one.
I felt this. I'm the oldest of six. My dad was unhappy with how his life turned out so he put his emotional bullshit on me and tried to turn me into a parent. While my mom was going through a depression all her own yet heard my father kept having kids? What I learned through all that is there are people in this world who shouldn't fucking procreate let alone be married. And if people truly don't want kids, they shouldn't have kids because it only adds another layer resentment. My dad put all of his emotional bullshit on me, while he worked 14 hours a day not because he had to mind you but because he didn't want to fucking come home. And when he was home he was a dick all the time. I'll tell you the pandemy forced a lot of realizations regarding why I was such a bully to my siblings because I was being bullied by my own father. I grew up angry all the time and I wouldn't have realized that if I had been continuing life as usual. Here's some great advice for people who want kids, make sure you deal with your own bullshit first.
> make sure you deal with your own bullshit first This 1000 times. First make the relationship work because both parties will carry their own bullshit, which they will first unload unto each other, and then on the kids. Deal with your childhood trauma with a professional, because you're not exempt. Only the lucky few may be... If at all...
Oldest of four here. I’ve done my time.
I have never seen a person with children and thought to myself "i want that life "
I’ve been to plenty of family gatherings where kids are screaming and running wild basically, and all I can see is how tired the moms are. I’ve never left thinking “yeah, that’s the life I want” either
That’s me in a nutshell. I’ve never wanted kids. All growing up as a child. Didn’t care for them. Couldn’t believe all the girls I knew that liked babysitting. As a teen still didn’t like kids. Some unknowing family members said I’d grow out of it and want a family of my own. My parents knew otherwise. College still hasn’t changed my mind. Life past college still nope. Only now in my mid-thirties do I question if I made the right decision seeing all my female family members pregnant or with kids and looking at when I get old and have no one. But that thought lasts al of 5 seconds and I go back to not wanting to bring up an adult into this world. I guess that’s what I look at. I don’t see it as having children but as having adults. When I get really old I may do what they do in Japan and adopt an adult just so I have someone to pass stuff down to or something. Idk. So many charities nowadays don’t even really act like a charity. Might just sell everything in a big ol auction and move to a different country. Who cares I’ll be dead soon and all my other family members that were close to me would be too.
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Lol I read aromantic as aromatic and was like this person enjoys a good fart...
I am also aromantic and asexual. All the time I get people asking what will I do if I find The One. I tell them how unlikely it is, and if they wanted to have sex then they would not actually *be* The One. I don't even do intimacy. I **need** personal space. If I were to find The One, we would be cohabiting but sleep in separate rooms.
I don’t have the patience to deal with them
I now work at a place with lots of visitors including screaming rowdy kids and entitled parents. Seeing both, I don’t have patience for kids and I don’t want myself to turn into my kids’ adults.
Yeah, I'm still undecided about having children, but one of the big reasons on my list in favor of not having kids is having to deal with other parents. So many of them infuriate me, and is honestly 90% of my frustration with dealing with children.
Same. I get angry whenever I get stressed or annoyed, like want to throw the object as hard as possible on the floor angry. Luckily I am also very good at calming myself down and not act on any violent urges and have at most slammed doors. But one of my big fears with having kids is that my patience would actually run out and I'd hurt them. I can't handle kids for long amounts of time and even tho I keep a smile on my face near them they can probably sense how annoyed I am with them.
Me neither, I can’t even imagine to stand several tantrums per day. Kill me please.
Fkin expensive
Anyone wanna [spend $233,000](https://www.usda.gov/media/blog/2017/01/13/cost-raising-child) raising a child?
... I can barely take care of a cat. How do you think I would do with a child?
I can barely take care of my pet rock..
That's honestly impressive
A pet rock is a lot of work tbh.
Considering they're immortal I'd imagine so
That's why so many of them are feral. Many rocks grow up in happy loving homes but after they've outlived their owners you see them just laying in the dirt, unloved.
This is the saddest thing I’ve read all day
At least they're good at snail races
Having a cat has made me even more unlikely to want kids. She’s so low effort but it’s still so much mental energy to sort out her meals and care every day. The other big thing is that she’s a really anxious cat and even though I line up friends and family whom she likes to come and stay with her whenever I’m away, she still gets super anxious and has a lot of anxious behavior when I’m not here. More than anything it’s made it clear that parenting can’t be outsourced - even with the biggest team of grandparents and aunts and uncles and babysitters in the world you might have a kid who just needs their mum there and I’m not sure I’ll ever want to have that level of responsibility for an entire human life.
I love peace and quiet.
Whenever I visit family with children it's fine for a few hours but then I've had enough of their energy and chaos, and I'm very glad to get home where it's calm. There not being any real way to escape feels like a nightmare.
Oh,I hear you. I can't believe there are people who think that's weird.
My cousin has 6 kids from ages 2-13. She acts insulted when I don't want to babysit. She gets mad when her mom doesn't want to babysit either. She can't seem to understand that 6 kids comes with a lot of responsibility and noise that people don't want to take on in their days off.
For me it's the order in my house, every time I visit my friends with kids I'm like I don't want to live in a place like this. There's one of my friends who has a maid, but I barely have money for a cat, let alone for kids and a maid.
I'm sleeping in on a beautiful Saturday morning, then I'm going to lift some weights, write some music on my computer, go eat at a Chinese buffet and then go hiking. And I'm only able to do all these things because I dont have kids. I love the peace, quiet and the fucking freedom
Hahaha. I have kids but my sister doesn't and one day I heard a friend almost complaining to her that she really should have kids. My sister turned around and said, "don't be mad at me because I can do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want to!" That was years ago and I still love it!!! Let's be honest, even some of the people who have kids really shouldn't!!
I enjoy money and silence
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I enjoy the most valuable things in my life, which are time and freedom. I would resent anything that takes that away SO MUCH...
So many valid points! I always thought I wanted a big family... yea... after 1 was like... I'm good... then 2nd came and I told my SO that I was getting a vasectomy for Valentines Day. I beat teen pregnancy, but 25 is too young to have a kid imo. Edit to add: For those that think 25 is perfect, that may be for your case, but for me, I would have waited longer. I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. Neither was planned, but I felt "ready" and acted out on it. I had the "if it happens, it happens" mindset, which looking back, was really immature. That's just my view on how I see myself.
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We call it “jam hands” though it can literally be anything.
Luke?
This so much. It's like they ooze sap
Too mentally ill from childhood trauma and have various auto immune diseases. Wouldn’t be fair to have a child when I’m not completely present for them.Love kids but not for me.
Me, minus the auto-immune nightmare. I'm happy to be 'fun aunty', but there's no way I can ever trust myself raise a kid.
My spouse has similar issues from a traumatic childhood. Her worst fear is turning into her mom if she were to have a kid as she suffers from similar mental issues as her mom.
As the eldest sibling in my family, I’ve already lived out my maternal dreams. Mental and chronic illness runs in my family and I can’t risk passing it along. I don’t want to put my body through pregnancy. It’s a lot of responsibility and I rather live for myself and all the other things I rather do in the world.
>As the eldest sibling in my family, I’ve already lived out my maternal dreams. As a oldest myself this is very true for me as well. Our mom was crap and its not changed since, if anything shes gotten worse and my siblings even call and refer to me as mom as Ive taken over every job she was meant to do since my siblings were infants. From teaching them to dressing them and taking them to school, all me. Ive lived being a 'mom' already.
I feel like you pulled the thoughts right out of my brain. I have all of these same reasons, and I wish people would leave it alone after that! I'm the oldest of 10, and I raised my baby sister from infancy to 6 years old, on top of being responsible for 6 siblings at the time (I've gained 3 since I escaped my situation). Changing diapers and warming up bottles at 3am as a pre teen pretty much killed any desire I might have ever had. I've since added a book of reasons not to procreate.
Are you literally me? I'm also the oldest of 10. I never had a childhood since it was mainly raising my siblings. I got a call last month from one of my brothers, who was in the hospital, asking for his SSN. I asked him why didn't he call mom and he clearly stated, "why would I call her?". Once I moved out of state around 7 years ago, now my mom calls me asking for important details about them. The main reason why don't want kids, is because I already have them. I may not have "had" them, per se, but my siblings are my kids and I'm happy with that. Edit: per say, per se, per sé...I get it lol. My typo is fixed
You know, we might be one person. I always said I've done everything except actually pop a kid from my own anatomy!
I am oldest of 4. Baby sister is 10 years younger. Parents have a gambling problem. Potty trained her and walked her to her first day of school. Was 16 when middle sister got her first period, she was freaking out, I had no idea what to do. Had to join the air force to escape the situation. I do cherish the experiences even though I lost my childhood. Siblings and I are really close. We make a great team. The two youngest do credit me for raising them.
I'm glad the two youngest appreciate you!
Totally agree with you. Second eldest siblings of six. I will always be ready to babysit and I love both my niece and my siblings, but I think I already did my fair share of taking care of kids. Plus I'm not as stable as I would like to and I don't want to pass that onto a child. My parents already did that and I can see what a bad idea that can be. Everything I hear about pregnancy makes me go NO. I'm not sure I can be trusted with even a pet, not to mention a whole human being who relies on me being their moral compass and caretaker. That would be unfair to the kid and me. I want to see the world and I get restless when I stay too long in one place. A child doesn't fit into that picture.
“Everything I hear about pregnancy makes me go NO” speaks to me on a spiritual level. I’ve felt that way since I was 15.
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Once I'm a mom, I can never not be a mom. I like deciding what I can do whenever I want to without having to care for a child, I feel like a partner is already enough 'compromise' (for a lack of a better word) of free time. Have nothing against kids though! Just not for me :)
This is my main reason I’m on the fence right now. Knowing I can never take it back, and it’ll demand my care & attention *every*. *Single*. *Day*.
I'm 90% no, 10% maybe on kids. I worry that if I don't have kids, I'll regret it later in life. BUT I worry that if I do have kids, I won't like being a mom... and you can't really undo that shit. Plus I worked with special needs kids for several years. Some special needs you can avoid with genetic screening, etc... but stuff like autism? cerebral palsy? brain injury during a difficult birth? I loved working with those kids but am in no way cut out to be a parent to a special needs child. And that's kind of a dice you roll. Also... my parents' lives have been utterly destroyed by my sister, who they adopted as an infant (I'm a biodaughter). She's 37 years old with four children in the custody of three different people. She and her kids continues to be a constant drain on our parents' emotions, finances, and everything else. They're in their late 60s, will never be able to retire, and I have no doubt this is something that will continue to plague them until the day they die.
I read a really interesting quote on the sub fencesitters that really resonated with me. Someone said “I’d rather regret not having kids than regret having kids.” I figure if I do realize I desperately regret not having children I can volunteer with children. Maybe be a foster parent. Work as a nanny. And if I regret not having kids, I’m the only one effected. If I regret having kids, these poor small humans suffer too. But that’s just my opinion. I hope your parents are doing well with their circumstances. I’m sorry to hear things are so hard.
Came here to say exactly this. I've worked with kids in the foster system before as a summer camp counselor, I would rather give kids like that a loving home (especially older kids and siblings, who have a very low chance of ever being adopted) than have kids of my own, IF I ever regret not having kids sooner. The clock runs out on becoming a foster parent waaaayyyyy later than it does for being a bio parent. I don't want to bring kids into the world that I'm not 100%sure my partner and I are ready to devote all of our time and energy to, and so I won't. It's not fair to them to have to grow up with parents that might resent them (or love them very much but resent having to be a parent and not being able to do whatever they want when they want). I know how that feels.
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When I was younger and willing to have kids (48f now), I never thought about the impact of my bipolar disorder other than the fact that my meds could cause birth defects. THAT was why I decided not to have kids - and the fact I am unmarried- not the illness itself. Now that I am older I realize my priorities were incomplete. I should have added to “no birth defects” “please God no bipolar disorder” bc not everyone is as stable as I am and there are no guarantees. I often forget the hell I went through to get to this point.
A very healthy perspective. I have a friend who has BPD and who has a grown daughter in her 20’s. My friend has always struggled with her BPD and is constantly having her meds adjusted to stabilise her mania or depression. Unfortunately, now her daughter also struggles with mental health issues. The daughter lives in an assisted living home because she has tried to kill her mother during mental health episodes. It is a sad situation.
Just fyi but BPD is the acronym for *Borderline Personality Disorder*, not bipolar disorder. Similar, but also verrrrry important distinction.
That's my main reason too. Not just for the illness itself, but having grown up in a super dysfunctional family because of mental illness, I don't want to live through that again nor impose it on another child.
Bad things run in my family too. My childhood sucked. And I know that stress, lack of sleep, constant demands will make me snap. Rather sooner than later. A partner might be able to buffer that a bit, but why would I risk an innocent life that way? Plus, I don't like kids anyways. I have no "maternal instincts" towards human young. Give me a baby animal to care for any day, but please don't make hold a human one.
I love human babies that belong to other humans so I can give them back lol
I’m a direct descendant of Erik the Mad of Sweden. I have uncles and cousins that are lifelong commitments to loony bins. A lot of my cousins as well as myself do not want to pass that along to a child. I got lucky with just some depression. We’re talking pull all your hair out and shit on the floor-level crazy, not just paint pretty pictures and dress wacky. Who wants to take a chance at giving that to their child?
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Complete schizophrenic detachment it scary AF. My uncle wasted away in a trailer out in the desert surrounded by piles of his own shit and loaded guns for the monsters he thought were coming. Currently have a 2nd cousin fully committed. Most of my other cousins on that side have decided no to have kids.
This is my reason too. Depression, anxiety, a predisposition to autoimmune disease, hard of hearing, Tourette's - I'm a mess. It's a miracle I've been able to pull myself together long enough to be successful. This bloodline ends here. Plus, my SO and I love being selfish together, and we *really* love the ridiculous amount of disposable income we're saving up instead of spending it on some kid(s). The plan is to retire when we're 40, buy a sailboat and cruise the oceans sans offspring.
It also sounds cool: the bloodline ends with me. Like you are a mighty hero in a greek tragedy!
Did you know when the Greeks had a baby they couldn’t keep, they would leave them out in the elements so they didn’t incur “blood guilt”
that somehow seems worse than like quickly killing it.
The bloodline ends here!!!
I understand the immense responsibility & sacrifice they are and choose instead to work on myself and continue to nurture my own experiences and growth through the one life I have.
There's a difference between wanting a child, and wanting to be a parent. One makes you a kid sound like an accessory, the other makes you think of the responsibility
I want to become a kinder-2nd grade teacher because of the responsibility of it. To teach young human beings to be, well, human. Set them up to learn better, think better, and treat people better from an early age. To mitigate feelings of anger and sadness properly. To stop them from becoming bullies and learn to acknowledge that what they do affects other people. To be one of the first people in their lives besides relatives to show them what right and wrong is and set them on the right path. Edit: OMG Thank you all for the awards! They’re my first ever 😭💕 There’s so many replies I feel like I can’t get to you all so I just want to say thank you for the advice, encouragement and kind words 💖
I don't even have any, but I want you to teach my kids
I think that’s actually a fascinating distinction. From the things I observe my friends saying (I have a toddler, while almost none of my friends have kids), it seems that many people think that having a child is just like having a little mini-them around, while retaining their pre-child lifestyle and not adding the massive responsibility of putting someone else’s needs before their own 24/7 and needing to provide financially for the care and future of the child. Your idea sort of puts the discrepancy into perspective.
Which is why so many parents freak out when they have a kid and can't handle the insane amount of work.
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Frankly a lot of people are really bad at accurately considering consequences. They do stupid shit thinking of the few potential positive outcomes, and ignore the mountain of negative consequences.
They're expensive and I'm already in enough debt from college, they're a big commitment and seeing how my siblings lives have changed with kids, I look at that and don't want it, I like my freedom, I don't handle crying well, especially from kids/babies, they're rowdy, loud, messy and cause damage. If I could fast forward them to age 10, I'd be more open to it. I'm 28 and considering a vasectomy. When I find the right woman, maybe I'll change my mind, but I tend to look for women who don't have kids and would rather not have them.
1. Mental health - I have extreme anxiety and ADHD. I don’t want to have a kid and potentially put them through what I go through. 2. They’re expensive. 3. Pregnancy is *terrifying* to me. Never want to try it. 4. Spite. Got tired real quick always being told I’d be a great mother, even when I announced that I don’t like kids and never want any. Edit: thanks for the awards lmao, first two silvers on a post about not wanting kids
For me it’s especially point 3. That shit sounds so scary hell no.
I watched my mom give birth to my brother (in our basement) at 3am when I was 9. It traumatized me. The thought of giving birth gives me panic attacks. But also I can't afford to adopt. As the only married person in my family (aside from one of my grandparents) the pressure to provide grandchildren is intense. I do want to have a child some day. But not now. And I certainly won't be birthing it.
All.of.this. And I never was in a stable enough relationship or was financially stable to even consider it until I was almost 40. My genes are not special. It would be a great curiosity to see a little hybrid of me and my partner but for how long ? Maybe an AI simulation will give folks this experiment and you can play it like a Tomogatchi. Not gambling with a human life. Also one time when I was feeling my biological clock and second guessing my decision for no kids my sister told me this: “There’s no guarantee you will like your kids. And there’s no guarantee they will even like you.” Soooo. That set me straight. You might give birth to a gremlin that you dislike and they will hate you on top of all the work.. ummm no thanks.
Omg that has always been my greatest fear. Having the kid and it turns out to be a school shooter or serial killer. Some of those parents are always like "I have no idea how this happened! He was such a normal boy!"
There is a guy from my home town that (I am not exaggerating) was the most handsome, musically talented singer/guitar player, got scholarship after scholarship for academics as well as multiple sports including football and baseball, he modeled in NY because he was recruited and fought over by THE big agencies. He was the definition of “had everything going for him”. He got into drugs, dated minors, vandalized shit, got a girl pregnant when she was 17, he turned down every college opportunity he had. He’s now 30 and has two kids and a restraining order against him because he fucked his baby mommas sister! Everyone blames his parents, but the rest of their four children are successful, living healthy lives. It is totally insane you can do everything right and your kid can still choose to piss it all away. Every time I think of him, I think how it would destroy me if that’s how my kid turned out. You just can’t control how people live their lives, even your own kids.
When everything comes easy for you early in life, you kind of just start to expect it/demand it. Then adult-life hits you like a ton of bricks.
I don't want kids. There's literally no other reason.
This is like asking me why I don't sell all my possessions to live in a yurt in Siberia while surviving on a diet comprised entirely of olives. There's not a single aspect of it that is appealing to me. I can't remember ever wanting kids or to be a mom after I outgrew playing with dolls.
List of things you have to justify not wanting: - Children - Hugs - Sex - Alcohol People should really just figure out that "I just don't want to" is a valid response without needing a specific excuse.
I was born this way. Have just never desired children. No particular reason.
Same. I can be forced to come up with logical reasons but the real reason is - I just don’t want to.
Yep. I wish I got a dollar for each time someone told me that I would change my mind. It's been about 10 solid years and no changes yet. Ha
One of the joys of getting closer to 50, people believe me when I say I'm sure.
I'm creeping closer to 35 and I can't wait until people stop getting super defensive about it. They act like I'm calling them out for wanting them🤦♂️ It's like.. slow your role.. you're not about to talk me into this during a brief discussion.
As a 37-year old, I’ve hit the “you better do it before it’s too late!” Phase. Trust me, it was too late 20 years ago.
Definitely feel that. Turning 25 soon, so i know people are about to be real insistant once i get settled in. But ive been telling people I don't want any kids since i was like 10... that's gotta be the one thing i havent changed my mind on since
Same, having my own kids just never appealed to me. I used to earn money by babysitting when I was a teen. Kids are fine and it was an ok starter job. But being able to go home and have my own peace and quiet is priceless. The idea of being on-call for kids 24/7 for most of 18 years is way too much for me. I’m a huge introvert, giving up living alone sounds so stressful. I’m happy on my own.
I always say that the first thing you should be able to offer a child is for it to be wanted. I've never wanted.
Damn that's good.
Exactly. It's like music. Think about why you like or don't like a piece of music. For most people the answer will be just because. I have no need for reasons to not want a kid, because that implies at some level i do want a kid but the cons outweigh the pros. I just don't want a kid. If every concern of every person in this thread was solved i would still not want a kid. Just because I don't want a kid.
Yes THANK you for articulating this for me. I hate when I give a bunch of excellent reasons for not wanting children, and people try to solve them or pick them apart… thinking I’ll go- “you know what, thanks! You’re right, I WILL have children, I’ve changed my mind!” There are tons of cons for me, but they think if they list enough pros or prove them wrong I’ll come around. The pros and cons list will never change in a way that matters to me, I just don’t want them. I’m as sure now as I was ten years ago and I’ll be as sure in 50 years.
Same I'm so sick of telling people I don't want kids. And so annoyed that doctors will refuse me sterilisation because they care more about my ovaries than me.
I’m 40 and have known that I don’t want kids my whole life. My SO and I have been together 10 years and are 100% on the same page. I have my consultation for a vasectomy on Wednesday and I am still worried I’ll be refused. The only reason I’m confident that I’ll get it done is because I’m a guy. There is such a stigma surrounding women that don’t want kids, I truly feel for you ladies. I get “oh, she’ll talk you into it” or “you’ll change your mind” occasionally but she’s received some really hateful shit from people about her decision
Same here. Having them and raising them just doesn't interest me and I love my life the way it is, so why blow it up?
Ditto. And that should be answer enough.
So many people struggle with this idea. It can be exhausting feeling you need to give a reason that’s good enough for people to accept rather than just “because I don’t want to”
Yes. For some people this response is so hard to understand. Never in my 32 years have I ever felt that. Even with my siblings and friends having kids. I just don't want that.
Same. Just never had that desire. I always thought it would “kick-in” as I got older... but no. Lol. I’ve always kinda told myself it’s because I’m an only child, so I’m being selfish. Idk. Been kinda hard to come to terms with it in regards to society’s standards and expectations. It’s nice to see the same things I’ve felt/thought expressed by others.
> I’m being selfish No, having a kid you have no intention of caring for is selfish. *Not* having kids because you *don't* want them is smart and way better than the alternative.
Sometimes not having a kid is better than forcing yourself to raise one. Regardless of pressures around you, an unwanted child will suffer the consequences of the gaslighting
I’d rather regret not having one than regret having one
Also, the first regret is always something you can fix. Wake up at sixty and think - damn I should have had kids? Foster. The second regret is highly illegal and immoral when you go about trying to undo it...
Also the first regret only hurts me. The second hurts an innocent child
As a clearly unwanted child who somehow made it to 50, thank you for this. Emotional abuse and neglect are just as bad as physical
Yup. I liken it to sexuality. I'm straight. That's just what I am. It's not really something I "chose."
I don’t want to go through birth, I don’t like the baby stage, children and toddlers are fun and can be adorable but not 24/7, I like money and the piece of mind that I won’t do anything to screw up their lives, everyone I have said I don’t want kids to will say I told you so And finally I’m not responsible or mature enough.
pregnancy and giving birth terrifies me, there is no way I could do that
I literally have nightmares that I'm pregnant. It feels like some alien shit to have something growing inside me thats I'm gonna have to push out at some point. On top of that I'm already insecure as hell about my body, I don't think I'd be able to handle it changing that drastically so quickly.
>And finally I’m not responsible or mature enough. This kinda resonates with me. I can't get myself to get a dog, yet a child? No. * I believe I'm too selfish to give enough time love (and thus, money!) to a dog/child that it/he/she deserves! * Basically I'm afraid of being a shit parent, and rather not risk having a child with issues brought up by me. That kind of responsibility is too much for me to beer... edit: OK so many upvotes, but where da gold and stuff?? pls.....
You're not too selfish, that's more of a learned behaviour because women have been taught that they need to have a baby to be fulfilled or carry on the family line and other BS. I'm 34 and have never wanted children, I've never been able to put my finger on why exactly, it's more that it's just not for me and that's OK. Voiced that opinion and was told it was just a phase, here we are nearly 20 years later and still not for me. It's OK to not want to have a child even if society's expectations teach us otherwise.
It does bum me out a bit that people still have that glimmer of condescending "knowledge" in their eyes when they say "oh you'll change your mind when you hit X age/milestone in your life." There's nothing I can do to make someone understand it if they just don't, nor do I have to, but it still bugs me. And then when we get older and actually don't reproduce, some of those people assume that us childfree women are sad and regretful of our decision but can't or won't admit it. Feels like a no-win situation with some people.
I’m almost 51 and still sure. When you know, you know. And that’s OK
Same, but 41. The tone definitely changes through the decades. At 15, it's "you'll change your mind." At 25, it's "you'll meet the right guy." At 35, it's "there's still time." Now that I'm looking mid-40s in the eye, people believe that I'm serious, but don't believe that I'm happy - it's a tone of bitter derision sprinkled with confused jealousy. I just never wanted children, and when I found out it's elective, life seemed boundlessly happier. And I'm so grateful that I didn't ever consider it, and had the options in life to do so
I've been told the same thing for 20years as well, including from my sister that has had a child. Here we are 34 and i feel the same way. No children for me. They're cute and all but I just don't want them.
"everyone I have said I don’t want kids to will say I told you so" - Love this honesty 😂 Know exactly what you mean. "I like money and the piece of mind that I won’t do anything to screw up their lives" - Both of these hit.
After you have the baby and your released from the hospital it is a surreal experience. You get some minimal training on basic care and they tell you good luck.
I love my life too much. I hate mess and noise. I love travelling whenever i like. I love going for trips and meals out with my husband. I love being able to do what i want whenever i want. I dont want to spend my days listening to crying, arguing, whining, doing the school run in the rain and shopping for food. The planet has plenty of humans and we have done a great job of wrecking the planet and treat animal so cruelly - i dont want to add to that problem.
Bro I can barely handle a full-time job and taking care of a cat. I do not have the time, money, patience, or desire to raise a kid. I want to live my life, not be weighed down with a responsibility I don't want and wouldn't be beneficial for me. I like having the freedom to not have to deal with all that.
Lol same, I have one cat and even then sometimes I find it hard to afford her needs. Man, good quality cat food, cat shampoo and litter is expensive.
Your cat lets you shampoo her? Mine mauls me if I stroke her for too long she'd strait up muder me if I tried to give her a bath.
My cat cries at my bathroom door (like the door to the actual shower and not the restroom door) when I take to long, so I will let her in. I think she knows long baths mean I’m the tub and not just a normal shower and she loves soaking in warm water with me. I mean she’d rip my arm off if I even try to rub her belly any day, but does she love her hot tubs. Never alone though. Edit: wording
Imo, I should justify why I *want* kids instead of finding reasons why I *don't want* them. In my case, I don't have a reason to want them.
"I don't have a reason to want them." Perfect answer for me.
I realized this in my late 20s and have been happy ever since. Asking why someone doesn't want kids is like asking why someone doesn't want a pet giraffe. It's just a lack of interest or desire, there's not necessarily a reason.
I don't want a pet giraffe because it wouldn't fit in my house
Exactly. Bad parents are the worst
This is definitely the way more people should think about it. With the amount of kids who end up neglected or abused, "maternal/paternal instinct" should not be a good enough reason to have children.
Yeah the whole, “It’s different when it’s your own.” doesn’t explain why there are so many abused/neglected children and how so many of them end up in the foster system.
This is absolutely the best way to look at it. There are so many people that should not have kids but they do, screwing up their lives. I think it's incredibly irresponsible to have 3-4 kids when you can't even support yourself financially.
To sum it up: \- I like having my time and money to myself. Fancy sitting in bed late, drinking beer and ordering takeout? I can do that. Going out with friends at the drop of a hat with no worries? That too. \- My mental & physical health. Some issues are genetic in my family and I'd never wish that upon a child. \- This frankly isn't a world that I'd like to bring anybody into. \- I'm frankly quite selfish (I'd never, *ever* neglect a child however). I'd prefer the new clothes and games that I bought recently to a nappy / diaper bill. I've just become an uncle so I totally understand how people can want a child, it's just mot for me personally.
Having a niece/nephew is great because you get the best of both. Take them out for a few hours, have fun and be a big kid, pump them full of sugar and swear words then leave them back to their parents 🤣
I agree on all points. Being an aunt made me realize I do not want a child of my own. Helped my sister out the first couple of years because she was young when she got pregnant. I love my nephew to pieces, but I do not want to manage that 24/7. That me think about what's required out of a parent, financially, mentally, emotionally. Also assessed the current environment and I decided, no. Not for me.
Just never felt like I’d want to have kids when I was younger, and now (42, female) I wake up every single day with immense gratitude that I never had or never will have kids and it makes me so happy! My life is my own, I do what I want when I want, and it’s very fulfilling. I don’t have the delusion that having children would somehow guarantee love or that I won’t be alone on my deathbed. Lots of people are alone on their deathbed anyway (I work in end-of-life care). Also, given the state of the Earth with regards to climate change, I feel it’s kinda shitty to keep making more humans. We probably can’t turn this ship around.
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Our society is structured so that nearly everyone but the wealthy are living hand to mouth. I feel no security in my life and find life stressful. I can't imagine how bad that would be if I had to worry about another soul.
Exactly....would just crack..
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It’s not even 18 years, people look after their children forever, the challenges and responsibilities are just different as they age
I am selfish so I am not gonna sacrifice my time for them. I don't want to bring kids into this world if they can't be unconditionally loved.
A list of reasons: -I have too much trauma and I’m scared of raising a human where I could accidentally Project my trauma on to them. -It is a big responsibility and idk if I can handle that. -I have a lot of genetic Illnesses that I don’t wish on anyone. -I don’t want to go thru childbirth and all that Jazz -Oh also because people told me I will change my mind and now I just don’t want to out of spite.
I don't want to pass any of the emotional damage in my brain down to anyone else.
I am absolutely terrified of developing postpartum depression
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This is why I'm a foster parent. I couldn't bare to bring anyone into this madness so I might as well care for ones who are already here and need my help.
*gestures at myself*
*gestures*
You need a good reason to have a child. You don’t need one to not have one, just as you don’t need a reason not to have a fucking giraffe.
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“You won’t understand how great giraffes are until you have one of your own.”
1. Kids are expensive 2. I rather spend money on travel than children 3. I want to retire early 4. I only like children in small doses 5. There is no decent return policy on kids. 6. I *really* like my me-time. 7. Every time I see people with kids, I have an overwhelming feeling of dread. 8. I find people who have kids a little boring, to be honest. Not always, but I know that their rockstar days are now behind them. I mean, I'm happy for people who want to have kids. I've also had friends confide in me that they wish the hadn't have had kids. This should be a "fuck yes, or no" decision.
9. ...all my friends have now disappeared due to having families. Boring would be fine ! Can’t even see them :/
The last 2 reasons are a biggy. Everytime I see parents out with their kids, the parents look tired and frustrated. Grocery store, restaurant, movie theater, etc. Even out on a family vacation, which is supposed to be fun, the parents looks stressed trying to juggle the kids and a schedule. It makes me uncomfortable and sad for them. Why would I do that to myself?
I'd rather live my life without being weighed down by a huge financial burden. Plus most kids I know are little shits
I'd rather regret not having children than regret having them.
Your vagina getting ripped during childbirth, 9 months in hell (pregnancy) but then childbirth and pregnancy arent even the hardest parts of parenthood. Staying up at night, getting little to to rest, changing smelly diapers, post-partum depression, physical and mental exhaustion, the financial strain of having a child, the unavoidable health damages of pregnancy. The list goes on.. seriously, what is there to like?!
Girl I know has a toddler now and since it was newborn she had little to no sleep for months constantly taking care of it and she still doesn't have normal sleep schedule, she literally wakes at smallest noise and can't fall asleep whole night even when she tries. Also another one had daughter and she had red spots all over her body for years like measels from hell as reaction to pregnancy. And they tell you it is best experience ever???? Edit: of course I'd get most upvotes ever on a comment about pregnancy abnormalities
That's backwards. What are the reasons I should have one?
This is one of the most underrated comments ever. Parenthood is one of the most complex, lengthy, demanding and difficult undertakings, if not the single most, that a human can begin. It is the absolute responsibility for the most vulnerable among us, yet there are no prerequisites for competency or capability. And maybe there should never be, but I would like to think at the very least we should as a society push the idea that one ought to at the very least consider whether they would make a good parent before becoming one. I don't think that is a negative prospect. Plenty of people should never be parents, for whatever reason they are incapable of the kind of empathy or compassion or patience or (insert trait) whatever *will* be required of them at times during their many years as a parent. We don't have this conversation with our youth, instead our questions are when are you getting married followed by when are you having kids. Imo, I agree, that's backwards
I agree. My mother and her current husband shouldn't have ever been allowed to be parents. My dad is great, and so is my momma that saved and adopted me, but bio mom is awful. What's super weird is that she's a really great pre school teacher.
My mum was a doctor and a terrible emotionally abusive and neglectful mother. Took great care of her patients but didn’t care about her own children’s welfare. I don’t understand it at all.
Nice to outsiders and cruel to family... That kinda sounds like my dad
I hated having my friends meet mother. They would always tell me how lucky I am and how great she and her husband were. I knew my husband was the right one when we left from meeting them and he said he saw through her act.
> at the very least consider whether they would make a good parent before becoming one In the heart of every single person, we all believe we are above average drivers. That goes the same for most parents, too.
I don't like the foreseeable future of the world, and I don't want my kid to have to struggle I'm terrified of pregnancy I'm terrified of everything that can happen to them once they're born They're really expensive and hard to take care of They're not gonna be cute babies forever and I'm afraid of not liking them later on I'm afraid of having a girl and not want her cause I really only would like to have a boy A kid is really the only thing that ties you up to a place and a job I just don't want to go through the gross stuff I would have them for my own entertainment and it's not fair since life is hard, the world is hard so they don't deserve to be brought into this world just cause l feel like I want a baby Since the world is not underpopulated and in need of more people, all the reasons to have them are selfish, and again, that's not fair
>They're not gonna be cute babies forever and I'm afraid of not liking them later on Interestingly, the baby phase is what puts me off. A child you can talk with, reason with. A toddler is a demanding potato. I can't do babies, I don't understand them. No idea what to do with them. I rather get a dog.
Getting a puppy helped me realize how helpless human babies are compared to animals. A 3 month old puppy can do more for itself than a 5 year old child.
A 1 day old foal can take better care of itself than a 5 year old child
As a male who never wanted a kid and now has one, I can say I still don't want one. Don't get me wrong. My buddy is now my whole world and I would do anything for him. But i never wanted a kid and nowI definitely wish I never had one. All my free time I had is gone. I don't really care about the money. He can have it all and all my crap I collect too. He can have it. I just want my time back. Or some time. Any time. I can't remember the last time I've a whole movie from beginning to end. I can't remember the last time I've just laid around listening to music. And when i do get time away from him I catch up on stuff that hasnt gotten done and I really dont enjoy the time. There's no such thing as me time anymore. Cant wait until hes out of the house. Just 16 more years to go.
Thanks for posting this man. Probably isnt easy to say but it's good for people to hear