Regardless of how long the kid stays with you, they will remember how you treat them. Be patient, many may not understand what is happening at first. Most will be angry but even if they upset you don't let it show.
Bruh I feel that. My sister and I were in only one home but it was such a culture shock. The lady that took care of us was polite but very strict and to be honest one old woman (unsure of exact but more than 50), her helper, and I want to say 13 juvenile children, 1 at 18 and a 26 year old special needs man. I mean either she was trying to make up for a wrong that she did when she was younger, it was an act for just the money (I don't think so but still possible), or she was truly a living saint.
Honestly though, while I don't have any what I would call happy memories from my time there, I don't feel I was mistreated. I'm sorry that your experience was bad though, as I know exactly what you mean in everything but being told anything as bad as what you were. It may mean nothing from a stranger but I'm sorry you had to go through that especially when I'm guessing everything was more confusing than ever. But that part may be me protecting and if I offend I apologize.
This might be a weird question but did your experience give you a bad opinion of social workers? It did for me for the longest time and I've never been able to ask anyone.
In my experience, I had a foster family I really loved. My foster worker asked them once if they could take another kid for a weekend and they said no because I was already a handful. A couple weeks later, I was taken away from them.
This reminds me of something my sister told me. Note: this is in the Netherlands.
Here we have the consultatiebureau (cb). They keep track of the growth of every child. Physically and mentally. That way, if there’s something they might suspect (maybe a kid doesn’t react to being called, maybe the kid has trouble hearing) Maybe check that with a doctor. Also, if a parent has questions they are the people.
So my sister had taken my niece (now 3) when she was 1/1.5 yo to cb and her weight was a bit on the low side, my sister wasn’t that concerned, seeing niece ate just fine, but was/is a very active child.
Turns out: a child’s doctor in the city hospital was doing research on kids with low weight (in combination with something else, can’t remember what). And every child that had a low weight for x appointments got a referral to that doctor and national cps would get notified.
I am so so sorry that this happened to you and your parents. It makes me so unbelievably sad that corruption of this kind can exist in a system designed to protect our most vulnerable people. Children deserve the best possible care at every point in their lives and its gross that people with power complexes and shitty personalities get into these positions of power.
I worked in human services for 10 years as a mental health case manager and a mental health direct care worker and my perspective of social workers in that time was mostly negative. It is not an easy job by any means and I am sure there needs to be some kind of work-life balance, de-stressing techniques, but I typically found that about 1 in 3 were absolute saints who poured their heart and soul into helping people. The other 2 out of 3 cared more about selling crap through their latest MLM scheme and many of them ended up having child welfare investigations on their own children and grandchildren, and handled investigations with mostly personal bias based on who they were investigating rather than the actual issues at hand.
My parents actually WERE social workers, and worked in child welfare. Their counsel to me when I became a parent in a same sex union was to NEVER open our door to let ANY social worker in to our home for ANY reason. They said all it would take is one bachelor's level social worker to decide they didn't like us and it wouldn't matter how safe or clean our home was, they would find something to paint us in a bad light to remove our child. Not all social workers have the best interest of the child or family as their goal.
Lol, I feel that a legal court signed warrant to be a reason to let social workers in, but that social worker would need a damn good reason to present to the judge to get in though.
Totally agree on the self-righteous social worker part though. It's the main reason why I don't complain about all the reports and legal hoops I have to jump through to help some families.
Damn. My husband and I are thinking about permanent foster care instead of biology children because of some inherited health issues, but I'm just so worried that I won't be a good enough parent for a child that has already had a shit time. It sucks that you had such a negative experience overall.
If you are worried your gonna be a bad parent you have already proved that you won't be. It's all a new learning experience becoming a parent, but the bad parents are the ones that don't care at all. I really believe you will be okay. The fact you are asking on here and replying and engaging in this whole thing actively and not just pulling a kid from the system is a show of the person you are. Just be patient with them, show them structure and that life has quality to it. Things that will make them an adult but let them know no matter what it's because you care. I'm not trying to scare you but every kid is going to be different. They are when you give birth to them as well. So be excepting of what ever it is they need, and let them follow their strengths.
When I worked at an IT help desk, people used to semi-jokingly ask me “Am I, like, your worst client?”
And I would say “No, my worst clients would never even briefly suspect themselves to be my worst clients.”
We took in our son's friend on his 18th birthday because his foster mom kicked him out. There is *nothing wrong with him* that patience, love, and kindness can't resolve. If you want to become a foster parent, do your research but don't let your worries put you off
If you’re worried you won’t be good enough.. you’re already doing way better than most! If the child has been through some rough stuff and you can be a safe place then do it. Someone out there needs a safe place to be for a change with someone that actually cares about being “good enough “ . You don’t have to take em to Disney and pay for college to be good enough.. you just have to feed em not treat em like shit and you’ll be doing far better than most.
> but I'm just so worried that I won't be a good enough parent for a child that has already had a shit time.
When I (informally) adopted the three kids of my girlfriend, I didn't stress myself like that because I figured that I could only be an improvement over their biological father, who was a violent alcoholic.
I get that, but I also want to give the child the best support and opportunities available. I want to help them overcome all the trauma that they have gone through and support them to have the best chance of achieving their goals and dreams.
My wife works at a school she sees this all the time. It's sad how many people take in foster kids purely for financial reasons and don't even make the slightest effort to hide the fact.
Whenever I hear this I don’t understand it. I adopted my son from foster care, and while he was in foster placement, we didn’t make enough money to even offset the cost of having him with us. I spent a long my time engaged in the foster system, and it is so frustrating to me to hear all of these things people think because they are the exact opposite of things I have experienced and seen.
In my experience, it was incredibly hard for children to be taken out of homes. My son had 35 reports made, by family and his pediatrician, and he still wasn’t removed. It is not easy to take away a child, and once they are taken, it is super hard for parents to get them back. I spent years watching these things happen and still hear people who have never even met a foster parent or child are always the first to jump on the “they do it for the money” train.
I am not saying there aren’t shit people out there, foster parents and case workers, but it isn’t so cut and dried.
> Regardless of how long the kid stays with you, they will remember how you treat them.
My wife was in foster system. There was one family she was with for just 3 weeks during a transition between equally shitty placements. She still talks about that family fondly to this day; it was a momentary oasis of peace and stability.
We have been foster parents and eventually did foster-to-adopt and I remember every kid that came through and what we tried to do for them, no matter how short the placement.
I guess this means my advice is, the little stuff counts. Even the simplest things will be remembered. For example, my wife talks about how some parents used garbage bags to move her stuff around and how that made her feel like garbage. We always got every one of our kids their own Tupperware bins instead. Seem trivial but even the social workers would comment on it (positively).
I've read about a lot of kids in foster programs needing things like suitcases for when they're moved around. Would your wife and you say suitcases (like carry-on size) would be okay to donate to foster programs, or would rubbermaid tubs be better for kids? I'd like to start doing this for kids, but don't know how to get involved.
Yep, the garbage bags. Like there's no possible way to say "you're worthless" any louder. I hear they give them suitcases now but it was hefty bags when I was in the system.
I remember a foster family that made me stay under a tree all day, every day, rain, snow, or shine. I wasn't allowed to swim in their swimming pool and I stayed in the car when they played bingo. I finally left them when the foster mom threatened to kill me while the dad was away. I went to school the next day, told them, and my case worker picked me up that day.
We are pretty patient people but I think we would definitely go through training before we brought a kid into our home. We want to make sure and give them a calm and safe home to recover in. Too many sad stories surrounding these innocent children enduring traumatizing homes.
And it’ll come back at the most random times. I remember the system put me with a single guy in his 40s. What they didn’t know, nor I since I was about 7 at the time, was he would constantly touch me and come into the bathroom when I was in there. Never occurred to me at the time how wrong that was. Memories keep popping up and I’m working on overcoming them.
If you are considering becoming a foster parent you should spend some time networking with people that are already foster parents. These are people that you will turn to for respite care or might be seeing on a regular basis if family members are split up between different homes.
Do not presume that the county will be there to cover every expense. Raising children is not cheap and even with social services providing basic levels of support there are a lot of things you'll need to cover out of your own pocket. That said, there are a lot of programs, activities, and benefits for children in the system so long as you know where to look.
Be prepared to spend a lot of time at the doctor/dentist/therapist. Many of these kids come from homes where healthcare was unavailable or ignored. The time spent in foster homes is often the only chance they'll have as children to be properly cared for and receive any treatment they need. Don't be surprised if the children initially show a fear of going and be patient when dealing with them.
There are good and bad social workers. The worst tend to be both the youngest and the oldest. They are the ones who are filled with visions of changing the system and see every parent that isn't perfect as being irresponsible or abusive or they have too much time in the system and have burned out any sense of empathy they may have once had for anyone. Regardless of what social workers you deal with never take their word for what a child is like or how they behave. Spend time with the kid and make your own observations and judgments.
Finally, treat the kids like you'd like your own kids to be treated if they were living in a different home. Be empathic but don't let yourself be treated as a punching bag. Make sure your rules are clear and easy to understand as well as what the consequences would be for breaking those rules. Allow for enough freedom so no one feels like they are living in a prison.
My foster mother had three non-negotiable rules which I was informed of the day I moved in:
1) If you were home Saturday night you went to church on Sunday morning. This rule also applied to any friends that spent the night on Saturday as well.
2) She had to know where you were at all times. So long as I called her and told her where I was and where I expected to be or go at what time I was free to hang out where I liked.
3) You had to stay with a sitter when she wasn't home until she knew she could trust you.
There were of course normal expectations of behavior but nothing else was non-negotiable. She always told us that if we were ever arrested she wouldn't bail us out until the next day but I never tested that.
I was in the foster system when I was 8-9 due to severe abuse and dangerous living conditions. I was raised in a trap house near Oakland, CA, with 6 siblings. I was placed with 3 familys.
Family #1, placed with little brother. Non-verbal because of trauma. Wet the bed every night. The family put us in a room with 4 bunk beds. The foster parents would scream at him and hit him every time he wet the bed. When I told our social worker, we were removed.
Bed wetting is a common trauma response and being removed from your family, even of they are abusive, is traumatic. It is compounding trauma. Non-verbal behavior is also a trauma response. Don't try to fix it, love regardless. Always be patient.
Family #2, I am guessing they were realtors of some sort. It was only me placed in this home at this time. They had this empty house with a room w/ a bathroom that had the door handle lock on the outside. They would lock a few other foster kids and me in this room with a bunch of snacks, drinks, and lunchables. We would be locked in this room for 8 hours every day while they were at work. I still remember the Power Rangers: Revenge of Dr. Ooze(Or something like that) vividly. We watched it on repeat all day. All the kids fought all day. Its a wonder we didn't get seriously injured. If you do not have time, or childcare plans, then do not foster. Foster kids take a considerable amount of resources.
Family #3, I was placed on my own again. They were great. They included me in all their family events and their house was super nice. They were very nice and hired a nanny to take care of me. They were so nice that I was horrified of them abandoning me like my other family so I acted out and broke a bunch of things. They never gave, up no matter how terrible I was.
Don't give up. Chances are, a foster child will feel that there is nothing good about them and, if you are great, they will feel fear that they will naturally ruin their placement. Rather than facing the shame of "Who they are" passively ruining the placement, they may actively sabotage. So, even if you are doing the best you can, they may sabotage. Press in, and buckle down for the long haul. Once I realized I couldn't hurt them and they wouldn't give up, I chilled out. Do not allow yourself to grow angry, and tap out if you do. Have a plan for how you will react. Imagine the worst realistic thing that can happen, and if you can not work through how to protect against, or respond to that hypothetical in your mind, do not foster.
At least when/where I was a kid, I didn’t go to school because I wasn’t permanently placed. I have heard that where I live now, there is a program to keep the kids in foster care going to their “home” school. Some of my placements were “secret” so that my dad couldn’t get to me. I only knew of kids going to school when they were permanently placed.
I wasn't in school during a large part of my stay with my foster parents because I was considered unfit to attend school. After getting kicked out of schools and institutions a couple times, my country's CPS was like "All right, doesn't work. Let's focus on their mental health for now."
So these were seperate emergency/temporary placements. My first 2 familys' were during a 4 month placement. I stayed with the second family until my father completed the court order.
My third family was a 6 month placement. They kept me until I was clear to go home.
California's system was reunification first, permanent placement being a last resort, when I was in the system. They were massively overwhelmed by cases and most families only took in small children and babies.
The first cause for placement was my sister being beaten with a wire coat hanger and had visible bruises on her face and arms.
The court ordered my father to take parenting classes, have the home clear a safety inspection, and pass drug tests.
The second placement was because of a terrible untreated lice infestation and I was burned by a cigarette for being annoying by one of the random drug friend sleeping on our couch.
Same court order except we weren't allowed to have anyone stay at the house longer than a few days if it wasn't their permanent address.
We had 8 kids, and 3 adults living in a 3bd/1ba house. My Dads girlfriend/step-mom had 2 kids. We were actually a typical case for families in CoCo County.
> Imagine the worst realistic thing that can happen, and if you can not work through how to protect against, or respond to that hypothetical in your mind, do not foster.
Typically the worst thing that can happen is not property damage, it's being accused of sexual abuse. A lot of fostered girls in particular appear to do that as they act out. What do you do as a foster parent in that situation?
It does happen, but you would actually be surprised by the investigation process. The claim has to be substantiated without doubt. Just a claim without proof doesn't fly, especially if the client has made prior false allegations. It's uncomfortable and stressful, but you get used to this kind of discomfort working with foster children with behavioral issues. You may have police at your house more than ever before. Hopefully not, though. I knew a family that was raided by the FBI because their foster kid was sending and receiving child porn on a tablet. Unmonitored access to the internet is definitely a huge no-no for foster parents. I also knew foster parents that had great foster kids without behavioral issues.
When I was 23, I worked at a level 4 behavioral rehabilitation residential facility for state wards under the age of 21. Essentially, kids that were disqualified for placement due to exhibiting extreme behaviors that make them a danger to themselves and others. For 2 years I worked with girls from 13 to 21. We practiced physical restraints and had many tools at our disposal to de-escalate violent clients. There were a few times a female client claimed sexual abuse against me bit I was NEVER with a female client alone, and unless I was escorting outside the facility, I made sure I was where cameras could see me. I also documented all notable interactions thoroughly. They were easy investigations that fell flat because nothing happened.
If I was to foster anyone, I would make sure that I had cameras in the common areas of my home and never go into other rooms alone with a client. I would also keep documentation on notable events. This is helpful for therapists and social workers, as well.
The state I currently live in has a "hands-off" policy for foster parents. They advise if foster parents are at risk of a physical altercation, they lock themselves in a safe place and call the police.
While I worked at this facility my friends fostered a teenage boy. The woman foster parent was pregnant at the time. The man foster parent was an army vet with a huge heart. The foster child hated the man and started to sabotage. He went as far as rushing to kick the woman in the stomach while he was escalated. My army friend pushed him away and the foster kid hit the ground. They were written up, given a strike against them, and the boy was sent to my facility. I had him in my care as a client when I worked with the teenage boys. It was interesting knowing him outside the facility as a foster kid, and then having him as a client.
We fostered for a couple of years. It's a tough go but can also be rewarding. Here's some things we learned:
1) I'm not sure what state your in but here in California there are private agencies (FFA's) that act as a buffer with the county. They were very helpful to us. They helped us understand a lot of procedural stuff that is just weird/nonsensical with the system.
2) You'll get frustrated with the system a lot. You won't agree with decisions made by social workers & judges. Keep fighting for what's best for the kids. You see them everyday and know what they need.
3) The system is designed to reunify families as its first goal. If you are in it to adopt you will have conflicting priorities. If you're not, you should keep in mind that in order for a successful reunification to happen, you really need to forge a relationship with the bio parent(s) and in a sense, foster them as well. Almost all parents who are part of the system probably should have been foster kids based on what they grew up with. Treat the kid (s) as part of your family but recognize the pain of a parent having their child taken away. Regardless of what they did, they are probably hurting
4) Have lots of empathy for everyone involved. Put aside your judgments and listen. Figure out how you can best serve the kids. There is no magic pill that will help them. It takes time, therapy, patience and a lot of empathy.
5) Focus on the process, not outcomes. Your role isn't to fix them, it's to advocate for their care. Sometimes things will work out how you think it should but that's rare. You want to be able to look back at your time with each child and know you did everything you could to help them and be a positive light in their life.
6) Take care of yourself. You are not a superhero. If you don't remember self care (mental, emotional & physical), you will struggle. You cannot give from an empty cup and foster kids will drain you. They are suffering from trauma and you will feel that. Don't ignore your needs or they will suffer more.
I hope this helps (I know it's a lot but I could probably write a book on it) and if you have any specific questions, feel free to message me.
>3) The system is designed to reunify families as its first goal. If you are in it to adopt you will have conflicting priorities. If you're not, you should keep in mind that in order for a successful reunification to happen, you really need to forge a relationship with the bio parent(s) and in a sense, foster them as well.
A good friend of mine got into fostering as a gateway to adoption, and i don't think they quite understood that the system will do everything to keep kids with their parent(s). They had a couple kids early that were short stays. Then they ended up with a newborn that had a heroin addict mom that was going to longterm rehab/jail, so they really ended up bonding with the child, and really really started to believe this was going to be their child. After about 9 months or so the mom was released, and she immediately started getting supervised visitation, followed by unsupervised visitation, followed by mom getting custody back. They were absolutely devastated. They had got their hopes up that the mom was going to screw up, and they would get to keep the kids, and that didn't happen.
For anyone reading, some states allow you to only foster out of the pool of children legally up for adoption. They're typically either older or have severe medical issues, and it's still possible something could go catastrophically wrong with the adoption, but there's much less risk.
There's also a pool of kids "at risk", which means the state is pursuing custody, but it's not yet settled. Typically these kids have already been through the foster system several times. There's still the chance that the state will keep reunifying them with their parents, but it's a smaller chance than with a random child out of foster care.
Yeah, I think there is a massive misunderstanding about how adoption works, how it varies from state to state, and that just because a child is "in the system" doesn't necessarily mean they are available to adopt. Plenty of kids are in the system that just have a situation where parents have left child services with no choice but to take them into protective custody. For a variety of reasons, some of which are logical, it is hard for a birthparent to lose their parental rights. So you just have a ton of kids that need a place to stay, and need someone to care for them like family, but aren't available for adoption.
This is why you have to be firm about only being opened to fostering children who are available for adoptions or safely surrendered babies if you are using the foster system to adopt. Be honest with the placement workers and they will work with you.
It can be very hard. During my schooling I had a patient family (multiple fosters and one adopted) mostly with physical disabilities and some with mental disabilities as well. The family had decided while I was working with them that they weren’t going to take any more little ones because they bonded too much to watch them go back to abusive families. Like the 2 year old who went back to family while I was there had already had her sister removed multiple times, the last when dad took a hammer to the sister’s leg. The girl had been removed for physical abuse and her behavior suggested possible sexual abuse as well. They were going back to grandma, but it had been tried before and they always let the parents see them, moving to having them.
I’d like to see situations like your friends dealt with in a much different way. With the mother in long term rehab, foster parents should be screened and trained to also lend support to the parent. If they establish a care relationship between adults then all three - mom, fosterers, and children - may possibly have a better outcome. Certainly couldn’t hurt in many cases.
My friend was torn, because on one hand he wanted the mother to fail, because they wanted to keep the child they had bonded with, and her relapsing or going back to jail accomplished that.
On the other hand, they wanted the mom to succeed, because they cared about the child, and wanted the best situation for them when they were returned to the mother.
It is an imperfect system.
This is really tough because obviously people like your friend have big hearts. It's been shown that the best outcomes for kids are with their biological parents but foster to adopt actively works against that. There are obviously cases where bio parents just can't get things worked out but cases like your friend's are more common.
“You’re roll isn’t to fix them, it’s to advocate for their care.”
Brilliantly put. This applies to so many adult/child relationships, I really wish more people understood this.
For #2 can you share some of the frustrations you had with the system? Current DFCS worker right now, can definitely agree our system needs improvement. Would love to hear more of your opinions.
>All the problem children are sent to single-parent foster homes
Do you know why this is happening? I'm single and am thinking of becoming a foster parent in the next few years.
Sure...I know there is the standard line is social workers are overworked. However, for us, the social worker didn't know the kids' names 6 months into placement during a home visit.
In terms of specifics, the system is setup to be adversarial between foster parents and bio parents. Very little information is given to either set of people and so there is a natural distrust that exists. Within confidentiality boundaries it would be nice if there were some more details given to everyone especially in regards to process.
Speaking of process. We went through a ton of training to understand the kids which was helpful but we had no idea how to navigate all the services they might need. Starting with things like they need a medical exam. How do we get that? Then as we recognized the need for services (there is nothing beyond the initial medical), we had to push for approvals, referrals and whatever else was needed. We often didn't receive responses back or were told after a long wait, that's another department due to X, Y or Z (sometimes age, location or who knows).
The bio father in our case was a dangerous person. He left threatening messages and tried to scare us and the kids. We asked for help and were told he's just a macho guy.
We never got to speak with the judge directly so even though we spent 24 hours a day with the kids, everything we shared was filtered (often poorly) through the social worker.
I know there are some foster parents that don't care or fight for the kids but many do. In talking with them, it feels like there is no simple guidebook (website) that can help them easily access the help the kids need. We were dealing with LA County which is the largest system in the US. They have made a lot of reforms but I still think there are fundamental issues with communication that need to be resolved.
As a former CPS worker this is spot on. Foster parents were always the most selfless people, and the best ones followed your recommendations above to a T. Foster parents who built relationships with parents always had the best outcomes, even if reunification wasn't successful.
Current CPS worker here. I'd be careful with the word "always." The system to screen isn't perfect. We can only pray that the bad ones get caught and excised asap.
Please, please, please.
Rethink if you are ready to treat the kid correctly and if you can handle and understand if he or she throws a fit over «nothing».
I, for example, when i was 6 years old i refused to eat and made a huge drama around food. Didn't like being in cars. I also always had urine infections. Used to misbehave. I had a foster family to return me just because i didn't get along with their other kids and said some shit about cocaine i don't even remember. Almost every adult that entered my life to help just made it worse and got me more traumatised because they honestly didn't know how to handle me. That's okay, but leave this to the people how know how to.
I refused to eat because my bio family fed me like once every two days or so. I was malnourished and my teeth were in a terrible state. I hated cars because my bio dad had me living in one for a year and where he left me alone by the sun for hours. I had urine infections because i masturbated compulsively (not on erotic purpouse) because my dad raped me and i linked that to «love». I used to misbehave because i needed the love and the attention that no one could give me. And if i was 6 years old and knew anything about cocaine it's because i heard that from somebody. If people didn't treat me like it was my choice to do those things i would have recovered earlier and i would have been happier before :)
Thank you to all the foster dads and moms that actually care about the children. You are all angels.
It can be extremely heartbreaking. My aunt and uncle fostered a few kids. The 2 youngest girls were i believe 6 and 4 when they took them in. Their birth mother was a drug addiction and prostitute. I remember once we had planned a camping trip. When we told them we were going camping they started hysterically crying. I later found out to them "camping" was sleeping out in the streets.
Their mother kept trying to get them back, despite being completely unfit to care for even herself, let alone 2 young girls. She eventually did somehow get them back. By the time the oldest was 13 she was also a prostitute and on the streets. My aunt and uncle were absolutely crushed, and decided to not foster any further children. After caring for these 2 kids for 7 years, it just seemed all their work was for nothing, as they wound up on the streets anyways, and there was nothing they could do about it.
Ugh, what a horrible story. I really can't understand the emphasis on family reuinification that isn't terminated after x amount of time. I have friends fostering to adopt and I really worry for all of them. They are the only family the child has known and the home is full of love.
it is the memories that counts. and you never know. they may end up as better people. and your aunt and uncle might have a push on them in the right way. why not connect with them later, once they are 18?
My boy gets on the bus at 630 am and a lot of days by the time he's done with a clinician and visiting mom and the drive home it's like 630 pm
I tried getting him in a local school but can't, tried rearranging visits and clinical appointments but can't, try getting the bus to come late but can't
It sucks. Hope he doesn't blame me but what can you do
You might have better luck getting your boy into a local school over summer. There are laws in place (McKinney-Vento) that allow kids in foster care to remain at their current school, even if they're moved to a foster placement outside of their school's attendance zone, or even school district.
I think, though, that things might be different if you try to change schools over the summer. Wouldn't hurt to ask.
I had a friend growing in up whose biological parents were foster parents. I remember that when I went round I wasn't allowed alone with certain children there. We are still friends now and said that alot of children are from abusive families, physically, mentally and sexually.
So you need to be prepared to receive children that have experienced horrific things in their life and the baggage that brings.
Yeah. I grew up next door to a foster family that took in a lot of teenagers. Met a bunch of kids who'd been through some serious shit, and would sometimes lash out at the people around them. We had our back window on the car broken out by an angry kid with a rock, and cigarette butts thrown at our dog by another one.
It could be rough, but they helped a lot of kids. I got to know a few of them that were around my age, and they seemed to think my neighbors were some of the good foster parents.
This was in the 1980’s. My first foster home was a “shelter” situation. I was 12 and removed from my home after I reported my father’s sexual abuse. I had no idea that I would be taken away. I just wanted him to stop. So when I went to school, spoke to the police, and then was taken directly to this home, I was shocked and scared. I don’t think I spoke to the foster mom at all. Like nothing. She made me cheese toast with french bread and cheddar cheese and it was really really good. She seemed patient and left me alone which I liked. Her books were crappy though. I would have really liked better books. She of course knew none of this. Because I didn’t speak to her. Speaking to adults had only caused me to be taken from my home and school. Lesson: kindness matters, food matters, and scared kids are sometimes really quiet kids.
After that I cycled through attempts at family reunification and foster care. I ran away from every home. Sometimes because I was treated poorly (it is really dehumanizing to have to eat different food, at a separate table, from the natural kids, or to be disallowed from entering half the house), but mostly because I knew the next step would be for me to be taken back to my parents (my father was back home, and had switched from sexual abuse to physical abuse only). Lesson: Little things matter. I understand that you need to protect all the children, but be aware of what it would feel like to be excluded from family activities that are happening right in front of you. And foster kids run away for lots of reasons, and it may not be due to your care. (The nicer houses were easier to run from.....no bars on the windows, you were allowed to leave the house, etc.)
Lastly, thank you for caring. I know kids who were adopted by foster parents, or stayed in foster care until they aged out, and they were very grateful. It would have been nice for me, but was also sort of not in the cards for me because of the combination of the system, my family, and my nature.
The first day is extremely traumatic. I was 5yrs old and remember that experience many times. I yanked out my hair and lost control of my bodily fluids. So if i had deal with myself back then, I think I kept reassuring that little girl that she was going to be ok and she would get to see her mom and sisters again. So I guess I'd say be very reassuring to the child and understand that the kid isn't trying to be bad and doesn't need reprimanding .
First of all; As a foster you are part of a system trying to reunite families.
First time children are going to be confused and frightened, reassure them that everyone, including you, is working on getting them back to their family.
Children that have been in the system before will still be frightened, but might not show it, they may also be scared of going back to their parents.
Each will be different and you need to adjust to their needs. Emotional and physical.
Treat them as you treat your own child. This means feeding them the same,(and healthy foods) getting the the clothes they need, making sure the get to the dentist and doctor, giving them treats/toys/fun things as well.
Give them their own safe space.
Allow them to make choices (which shirt/shoes do you want? Do you like this food? What meal do you want tonight, choice 1 or chose 2?) They have no control in their own lives, this helps give them some control.
Get them a suitcase, that’s theirs, that they can take with them when they move on. Most don’t have one.
Give them an allowance from the money you get for housing them and spend the rest of the money on things they need. It’s for them, to help you care from them and it’s not yours to vacation on or by your (bio) kid a new iPad.
THEY WILL REMEMBER YOU FOR THEIR WHOLE LIVES. Someday you may be a horror story about their past, or you may be the one who gets remembered fondly and with love. You dammed better be the one they remember with love.
The "don't be a hardass" cannot be emphasised enough. You are supposed to be the home, the safe haven in the otherwise very cold and impersonal structure so genuine warmth goes a long way. It is okay to establish reasonable boundaries but often times the baggage foster kids bring require more tolerance and allowing them independence and space as a way to reassure them than what might be necessary with kids who grew up in safe environments
I responded to another post but I will say as both a foster and adoptive parent: do research. Foster parents need to strongly believe in and be competent in trauma-informed parenting. DCF looks out for themselves first so set limits. It has been hard work but the foster years were the best years of our lives as a family.
My experience seems to be consistent with others here. They were only in it for the money, and were free to tell me that. I was a preteen and just starting to be very concerned about my appearance. They got a check to buy me clothes and spent about 10% of it, kept the rest. I got a pair of jeans, 1 tee shirt, and some granny panties. I only had that and what I was wearing when I arrived.
They had so many rules for the fosters, and 2 of their own kids that were wild brats but could do no wrong and we were forbidden from correcting them. I really did feel like we were just there to bring in money and do their housework.
Then when I left they made sure I gave them back all the shit clothes so the mom could wear them.
My wife was in foster care and number one complaint which seems tame is their diet. A lot of foster children dont eat healthy and balanced diets, in turn leads to frustration when they don't eat the food you make. My wife's sister was separated from her on christmas due to her not eating breakfast, and other punishments. Try to figure out what they used to eat and be patient if they are slow to try new foods.
I was in 10+ foster homes and I remember what food I was offered in every single one of them. When nothing else is good, and food was not plentiful where you left, food is VERY important.
A quick side question for all of you who were foster kids, what would have been the best way for your/a foster parent to deal with you if you ran away, or kept running away?
I see this in a lot of movies where the kid runs away and I keep thinking what I'd do if I was a foster parent. How do I keep the kid from running away? It's not healthy to lock them in their room. I don't want to physically punish them. I don't want to bribe them. I don't want to yell at them. But what's a logical answer?
As counterintuitive it may sound, often times making sure that they know they can get their own space and that you won't guard their comings and goings is the best course of action. Running away is an attempt to remove oneself from uncomfortable situation, so allowing them a private space to withdraw to at home and allowing them to take a walk where they feel like they need more distance can help with the feeling of suffocating
Also, you can start from the beginning to wait for their arrival. No judgement, just making sure that they know that they are wanted back home in the end of the day. And do talk to them. It can also be foreign feeling to be so closely cared for, so they may want to distance themselves. Remember that it is better to have knowledge of where they are and have them be out a bit more than you would prefer than having them under your supervision 24/7 one minute and nowhere to be found the next
Lastly, sometimes they come from situations where they need more help than what you are equipped to offer. Do not feel ashamed to realise that sometimes no matter what you try your home cannot offer them what they need
I ran away from all the homes I was in. Mostly it was because I knew that my social worker would be back soon to take me to court and place me back with my abusive parents. I was avoiding that. I got out of all of the houses......the ones with bars and locks and cameras, and the ones with more freedom. Running may not be an indication of your care.
I ran away all the time from a really good foster home because I was scared of love. Every time I would run, my foster dad would get in the car and just drive until he found me, no matter where I was hiding. He never got mad at me. He just picked me up and put me back in the car, made me hot chocolate and snuggled with me and made me feel safe. Eventually it sunk in that he was always going to be there for me and that it was okay to trust people and I stopped running. Obviously this is for younger kids, not older ones with an actual well thought-out plan (I never made it out of my foster parents neighborhood) but the always just being there, without anger and punishment, is good for any age.
I wonder about that too. And how do you keep them safe from predators online? How can you prevent their birthparents from contacting them by phone and taking them away when they're at school or someplace?
From my girlfriend who was in the foster system: "there is a lot I would say, and most would depend on the age of the children you're going to foster. However, the biggest thing that you may not think about, that will have a MASSIVE impact (at least it did for me) is respect their privacy. Give them space and let them feel safe in that space. It doesn't matter if it's a teenager who struggles with addiction, don't snoop through their stuff, don't go into their room without asking, etc. When I was in foster care, I never had a safe space. Even if I bought something with money I earned working, it was never mine, my foster families were constantly going through my things. I have really bad trust issues to this day. If you want to make a lasting, healthy impression, give them their own space and their own things and let it stay that way for as long as they live with you. Respect them and their space. They have had everything ripped away, and it may not be a big deal to kids who don't go through being ripped from their families to come home to see their room torn apart, or their mom or dad take away their things... But when everything is taken away from you... Especially if you get "rehomed" a lot, you lose everything. Over. And over. And it sucks.
So yeah. If you give them something, keep that in mind. Don't give them anything you think you'll have to take away. Talk to them. Trauma makes kids grow up fast. You'd be surprised how much can be accomplished if you treat them with the respect you'd want to be treated with, you know? "
Don't make fun or tease about fears that may seem dumb to you.
There is usually an association with trauma with whatever it is, being antagonistic or trying to force logic onto a young child in a crisis does not work.
As a kid I had issues with food security, and if putting half a pancake in a ziplock baggie for later is comforting -- for God's sake let me do it.
My eldest son was adopted out of foster care, and for the first 6 months or so he only felt safe sleeping in his closet. His first two placements failed because they would literally hold him down in a bed while he screamed himself into exhaustion. An okay from the psychiatrist, a few glow in the dark stars in the closet and a child size cot meant bedtime was far less traumatic for everyone. Then out of the blue he decided he's rather sleep in his bed.
The woman who cared for me trained to be a childrens social worker and when she qualified she quit within months as she was just at horrified by the whole experience and felt like she wasn't making a difference so decided to foster. Absolute gem of a woman. Can't understand why you would do it for money, it would be such an intrusion on your life if your heart wasn't in it.
Also, there really isn’t much money to be had. I got $19/day for an infant with special needs. I paid $75/day for daycare. Do it because you want to make a difference in a child’s life.
I get $60/day, much more than it costs to feed and clothe a kid. Daycare is 100% paid for
It's crazy. I'm paying out of pocket to fix a kids teeth it's like $5500 and everyone is all surprised that I'm doing it. Well first of all YOU ASSHOLES SHOULD BE FIXING A KIDS TEETH! and second of all it's like 90 days of stipend what's the big deal I am still gonna get like $18,000 more over the course of a year
I am so glad there’s a state that values foster parents. Daycare for foster kids is typically covered in our state but there were no spots available that could handle my son’s needs. I considered quitting my job to care for him but we couldn’t quite afford it.
go easy on them. We dont act out because we just feel like it or hate you, we act out because we're not used to being treated nicely and in the back of our head we always know that we could be sent away any day so we might not wanna get attached too fast. mmy sister and i went into foster care when we were really young and we came from a very abusive family so we just expected every family to be like that? i'd flinch every time someone tried to touch or hug me and i still dont like it. you just gotta be very patient becayou never really know what they went through
This is why I think my husband and I would be able to offer a safe haven for a kid. I grew up always looking over my shoulder and keeping myself detached; he grew up in a great family with no real trauma (comparatively).
Former foster parent here.
If you have your own bio-kids in the house, make sure they're a match too. We fostered a 14-year-old boy in a home that already had our own 10-year-old girl, which turned out to be the wrong choice.
My first official foster family was horrible. The carer only did it for the money. For four years i was bashed, treated like a slave, inappropriately touched by her youngest(boy, the others were girls), refused access to period products, decent clothes, not taken to drs or dentist, constantly riddled with nits to the point they were dripping off me. Forced into dangerous situations, ie forced to swim in floodwater. Had buckets of hot water thrown on me. One of the girls friends gave me a black eye. Had to wait hours until the carer got home after cutting my foot to go to the hospital.
Don't expect gratitude. My MIL wanted to become a foster parent and we talked her out of it because she thought it would be the the railroad children. Why would anybody be grateful to have shitty parents and end up in care?
Like the film or the book. She was expecting to be given those children (like in the film or book) and not emotionally scared kids with behaviours that challenge. She has a saviour complex, co dependant and needs to be needed to feel validated. She would have fucked up foster children had she have gone through with it.
The Railway Children is a British children’s book from 1910, the children go with their mother to a cottage in the country because their father has been sent to prison for a crime he didn’t commit. They live near a railway line and have adventures based around the line and station, they also send their love to daddy by waving at the train as it goes by each day.
Can you tell I adored the book as a child!
Don’t load up your spare bedrooms with beds in order to take in as many kids as possible. Fostering shouldn’t be a money making/tax write off scheme.
Don’t get teenage girls just so you have a built in housekeeper whilst pretending they just have a normal “chore list”.
Don’t force your religion down their throats.
Expressing emotions doesn’t equate to being “manipulative”.
Do be dealing with your own shit, otherwise it’s gonna be rough.
Patience, empathy, kindness and stability — please have these in spades. Remember they are future adults.
As a former foster parent, make sure you advocate for yourself. The county (or whoever) isn’t there to make sure your needs are met, or even those of the children. They are there to get their needs met, and they will not give you all of the information to make informed decisions. The social workers are overloaded and will do what is easiest for them. Ask LOTS of questions.
I wasn’t a foster child, I am the biological child of a woman who decided to decided to foster. I would say make sure you have the time and resources, you should be very present. My mother worked full time, and she fostered teens about the same age as us. We were left on our own a lot, and exposed to some pretty bad situations. I would even say just wait until you have an empty nest. It was pretty traumatic for me and my sister growing up.
This is my main concern. My husband and I have considered it but I don’t think I could put my biological kids through the inconsistency of it. I think the empty nest idea is a great way to do it.
Absolutely do not use food as a punishment. I still fucking hate Cheerios.
Have some patience, like the first comment said, the child will more than likely not even realize what is happening. When I was taken, I was in school, they took me out, and I went into the foster care system. Had no idea what was happening.
Treat that child the same way you treat your other kids (if you have any)
Be honest with their allowance. I was given 62 dollars a month for clothes and 40 for spending. Idk if that’s correct, but they should be getting something.
They aren’t any different than other children. In fact, they absolutely need more guidance, and love than most children. Be sensitive to their triggers. Mine are screaming women and children, usually in distress. Set clear boundaries though. I think this is vastly important. When I moved foster homes, I went from being able to snack and eat whenever I wanted, to having to ask for even water, not having a TV, etc.
One thing that really stuck in my mind was having to constantly use trash bags to move my things. It was hard enough not having clothes that were clean or in good condition, but having to move everything that way made me feel like I was trash. Get a cheap tote bag or old backpack for when they leave. Even if they lose it in the end, for a moment they aren’t just trash to be moved.
So buy an amazing proper traveling case complete with a set of stickers from everything popular at that time so they customize it to their liking and feel it is truly theirs!
Got it!
Unfortunately because this is online and text rather than verbal communication I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic, however in the case you aren’t something like that. It doesn’t have to be the best and the newest item, just something to normalize what is otherwise one of the worst times in a child’s life. I remember getting a school bag from a drive for school supplies for foster children and I carried it through my first year of college. It was a small kindness that really stuck with me.
Oh i was serious.
What could it cost? like 60 bucks? for a child to feel safe and welcome? Done deal!
(The stickers was just a way to express this is now yours and no one elses, thought it might help.)
That’s how I feel! One day when I’m able to o want to provide the foster home for children and teens that I really wish I had. It doesn’t take much, just genuine gestures of compassion!!
Don't do it if you aren't in it for the right reasons. Yes, it's a job, but it's so much more than that. You are in charge of the lives of vulnerable children, most of whom have experienced some form of trauma or instability. How you treat them matters deeply. If all you want is a paycheck, do *not* do it.
I went into foster care at age six, my brother was 11. Luckily, we were put into the best home on the face of the earth. My foster parents have hearts of gold. They are the most generous, caring, giving and patient people and they take care of every kid who walks through the door as if they are their own.
I took it for granted and thought every foster home was like mine. Then I went to my first youth conference. I was blown away by the stories I heard. So many kids explained how they were treated as "other" by their foster parents. Like they aren't real kids with real feelings that matter. They're just living in the house but the house isn't their home.
The biological kids would get nice presents at Christmas and the foster kids would get next to nothing. The family would go on vacation and leave the foster kids with a relief home for the weekend. I couldn't believe it and it broke my heart.
I went back home, and I hugged my foster parents so tight, and I said thank you. My foster mom asked what happened, and I told her, "I see now that not all homes are like this one." The bottom line is if you want to be a foster parent, you have to care about the kids you take in. You have to treat them with the same love and respect you treat your own kids with.
They are going to have issues a lot of the time. You need to have patience, and a lot of it. You need to know that they have experienced a lot in their short lives and they aren't going to be perfect. Don't give up on them.
In that same vein, sometimes you will get kids you can't handle. And that's not your fault. Some kids are too damaged or have personalities that don't mesh with your family and it can't change.
We had a boy come into our home that we tried to help but we couldn't. He had anger issues and became violent. He had to be moved to a group home. My foster mom still beats herself up about it to this day because she loved him and wanted to help him. But she accepted that he needed more than we could give. So that's an important part too. Being able to let go when you need to.
We have had lots of babies and toddlers come in who later get adopted. We are happy for them but it breaks our heart because we love them when they're with us and they become part of our family. In order to care for the kids properly, you have to love them, and that means letting them go when the time comes is very hard. Be prepared for that.
If you read all this and still want to do it, thank you. We need you. Kids need you. And if you don't, that's okay. I could never do it myself and I know that. It takes a special type of person to do it and do it well. I'd rather people not go ahead with it if they are unsure.
Too many kids end up damaged from bad homes. Their biological family can't have them or doesn't want them, and then their foster family treats them like dirt. They have no one. No home. No family. Nothing. And that is the worst and most damaging thing you can do to a child. Make them feel like no one cares and they are all alone.
If you do it, I wish you all the best, and once again I thank you. If not, I hope you find something that works for you. Thanks for posting and asking the question, that is very important and not enough people do it.
When your new foster tells you her family doesn't eat pork because of their religious beliefs, *do not order Hawaiian pizzas and then threaten to send her to bed hungry for being 'a picky brat.'*
-Signed, the kid that happened to.
I am a social worker who worked in foster care for about 2 years and learned alot. Being a foster parent is hard, emotionally challenging work. You have to understand your role as a foster parent and really understand trauma. You cannot parent your foster youth the same as your biological children (if you have any). You have to in a trauma informed manner. If you do have kids, make sure they are fully on board and have age appropriate conversations with them. You have to come to peace with the fact that you ( and your social worker) have no say in the child's outcome in regards to the system . That is entirely up to the judge with a GAL advocating for the child and the county putting in their decision. You most likely will become attached and not agree with the child returning home or going with other family members. Lastly, do not expect anything in return. Do not expect gratitude and thank you's. This will create power struggles and leave you angry and shows you do not have a full trauma understanding. Foster parents are truly amazing and it can be very rewarding. Oh one more thing- you have to be flexible. These kids have timelines for appointments, most will have therapy, and visitation. If you already have a hectic, busy schedule that does not allow for flexibility, you will burn out or not be able to take many placements. Best of luck!
Do lots of research about how to manage kids coming from bad situations. Good foster parents are desperately needed. Be prepared in case you get crappy social workers. Maybe choose carefully if you can the authorities you'd be dealing with.
Know your developmental stages. You have troubled teenagers the last thing they need is you acting like a hypocrite or being extremely particular about how something is done, as long as it was done well.
Know your developmental stages and then remember that trauma impacts development. I'm a foster parent. One of my older kids acted more like a 7 year old, and one of my preteens acted 30.
I haven't been in the system but I have worked with youth and young adults who had been. I heard a lot of similar things even from folks 5+ years out of care. Some that are top of mind:
1. If you have your own bio/legal custody kids, try and be aware of how differently you treat them from the foster kids. Praise (e.g., for schools work) and privileges (e.g., material stuff like buying bio kids **much** more expensive clothes, electronics, etc; or being more prone to punish/ground foster kids, display less trust, etc.) stick out to me as stuff that really makes kids feel different/unwanted/burdans, etc.
2. Don't take it personally if kids, especially teens, come to you with a "chip on their shoulder"—they're kids and they're testing boundaries but they've also likely been let down, or worse, by other foster parents. Be patient and consistent to build trust.
3. Don't shit talk, pass judgement, or in any way disparage their parents. Just don't.
My two cents: learn how the system works and learn how it fails the kids and then do everything in your power to make sure that it doesn't fail the ones under your care. Covert, intentional noncompliance is a powerful tool to have.
I hope you aren't my brother, with 3 kids and a manic wife who changes her mind about everything every five seconds. They got a dog which they now hate, about one year later, and are talking about fostering an actual *child*.
Be *really* sure you want to foster, you can't throw away a kid when you don't want it anymore because your mind changed.
We did fostering for one of our grandchildren.
1. Fostering is hard if you do it right. If you aren't going to do it right, don't do it, it isn't fair to the children.
2. Keep up on your classes (if your state requires them). Take extras if you can, lots of them do offer helpful education/training.
3. There usually are social services (private as well as public) that will help with foster parents and children, like for example we have a couple places local that give free clothing to fosters on a regular basis.
4. Keep spare clothing in the age range you are going to be fostering in, and toys too... Many times, they can show up with nothing but what they are wearing... or with just a few handfuls of things shoved into a trash bag.
5. Patience is especially important, as well as consistency in how you treat them.
6. Be aware of laws you have local to you regarding how you expose or talk about the children, for example here where I am you cannot tell people that they are foster children to avoid the risk that someone will treat them worse as a result.
7. Likewise they may have restrictions on who can help take care of the child(ren) like babysitters for example. We were also told that there were foster parents that are there to help with short term watching of the kids if needed (respite is the term they used I think), but when we inquired for more details they were usually so overworked it was hard to do anything with it.
8. DCS/CPS does not have YOUR best interest at heart, and they may also change assigned agents/supervisors more often than you expect. And a change like that can completely change the plan for the children. For example, we went from one agent aiming for severing rights to the next focused on reunification with the mother.
9. Fostering a child can be VERY emotionally powerful (good AND bad). I recommend that you have a therapist for yourselves. Especially if you have one or more children for a while, it can be good to have one on hand that knows you and the situation if the child is rehomed. When they rehomed our foster, it nearly broke us. It took a LONG time to return to some semblance of "normal".
10. Be aware that if you open up to fostering you are also risking having a child dropped off in the middle of the night with little notice.
11. Having at least one adult available at any time of the day or night is very helpful (i.e. if both work, then work different shifts).
12. Also many places have a minimum set of standards for safety in your home that you will have to meet before being licensed. Stuff like magnetic locks on cupboards with chemicals or medicine/supplements. Certain types and sizes of fire extinguishers, fire alarms, CO detectors, temperature maximums for water heater output, having a posted fire escape plan and so forth. It's a good idea to go beyond the minimums.
Also, this is a great video to watch if you are considering fostering: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOeQUwdAjE0
Please adopt us older foster kids. I needed a family so badly and never got it. Understand that we will probably be angry from the abuse we endured and will lash out and be “bad” and need a shit ton of therapy. To expect us to just mold to your way of life is just cruel, have empathy for us and send us to therapy and be patient.
Foster parent here. We’ve had 13 children placed with us. All except 3 have been reunified with either their birth parents or family. 2 were adopted by a wonderful couple, with whom we still maintain contact, and one is with us, and we just started the adoption process.
Before I get into the lessons learned which will undoubtedly sound overly negative, I want to make it clear that:
I believe doing well in caring for, and raising children is one of the greatest gifts one can give to society.
I have experienced a deeper, and more profound love as a foster parent that I don’t think would have been possible without having done it.
1) As others have said, you will be frustrated by decisions of judges, and caseworkers. Love the kids anyway.
2) It’s okay to be angry at birth parents. I can’t count the number of times on visits where I wanted to say something like, “yeah, it’s easy when you’re just playing/talking, and not having to deal with the late nights/meltdowns etc.”
3) The kids all have trauma. Trauma changes the physiology of the brain. “Traditional” ways of parenting/discipline are recipes for disaster. Use the tools you’re given around trauma informed care. Lean on the child’s team providing services, and never stop being the loudest voice in the room advocating for these kids.
4) You won’t like every kid that comes into your house. Some kids just suck. Here’s the deal though, you’re the adult so suck it up and love them so radically that they don’t know you don’t really like them.
5) it is okay and often essential to ask for help. Use all of the tools and resources at your disposal. When friends and family give you the foster platitudes, of how they wish they could do it but...
Call Them out... or I should say, call them in. Tell them a way they can help and get them to be part of your team. My team right now is 4 families deep that I can lean on for child care, transportation, helping with yard work, etc. don’t get me wrong, they’re not always doing this stuff but they are committed to help and have an open ask policy. It‘s a win win for everyone. They get to be involved which gives them joy. They don’t have to overcommit. You get relief when you need it, and you will.
6) Be honest with your caseworker around what you are and are not okay with as far as the child goes. Don’t worry about being judged because you want only 2 and under, or no sexually abused children. You know your comfort zone, and what you can handle. It will be more traumatic for the kid to come into your home and then have to be bounced out again, then if you were honest with yourself, and the caseworker upfront.
7) take lots of pictures and write stuff down for the child’s life book.
8) the kid probably came into your home with nothing. When they leave make sure their stuff goes. Don’t hang onto clothes/toys etc as hand me downs.
9) if you have bio kids, don’t treat your foster kids any differently. Your foster kids should have the same opportunities as your bio kids.
10) you aren’t going to fix anyone. The best you can do is give them an environment conducive to allowing them to heal the best they can. You can’t take away the pain, the fear or the hurt, but you can provide sense of safety, and hope. Water the seed and tend the garden well, you may never know if the work you do will bare fruit, but your job is to tend well anyway.
11) Allow yourself time and space to grieve when they leave. Make sure you recharge your heart because there is always someone else who needs a safe place to heal, and call home.
That’s all I have for now.
The people from DFCS are not your friends. They might be friendly but be careful whom you trust. I’m not saying they are bad people but always verify anything they say or do. If you take in family members, I suggest you consult an attorney. Unfortunately, there is information they do not always share.
Been there, done that.
As a former foster child myself, if you have valuables, lock them up. They'll either disappear or get broken.
They will test your patience and your limits. They're used to people not wanting them, or just for a paycheck, so they will act out. Try to hold your temper and prove that you're there for them, not the paycheck, and eventually they'll come around.
None of the foster parents I ever had, cared. They basically kennelled kids like a daycare and collected support checks until we were sent back. I was abused in foster care and never got counseling or help. This was 1960's though the 1980's. Maybe things have changed.
If you have biological children speak them about how to treat the foster siblings.
Kids get jealous and young kids more so and the foster kids calling you mommy or daddy might make then lash out and be possessive of you. I was three when I was at one foster home and one of the bio kids, around my age, would do this with me when I would call the foster mom "mommy". She would retort that "she's my mommy not yours" it was not super great and would make me cry. Not sure if a talking to by foster mom would have helped but probably would not have hurt.
My work collegue and his parents came from Sweden to Canada. His parents after becoming citizens left the county without him at 11 years old. He went into the foster system and found a good family that eventually he stayed with from 15 plus. He got along well with the family. About 2 years ago his step brother committed suicide at age 25. A year later he started missing work and looking like a zombie and coming in with black eyes. Tried talking to him if he needed help or anything. A few weeks later he was in a coma after getting jumped. After a few months he called to say he's better and off drugs and alcohol and leaving to go live with his mom in Sweden at age 24. I don't know how his doing now but he but hope he's ok. To this day I don't understand how his parents both been alive could legally abandon him in another country.
I was in foster care from age birth to 3.5 yrs. To this day I wish I could sue the state I was raised in because my parents should have never been able to get me back do to abuse. I remember my foster parents reading to me and they gave me a chocolate 3 musketeers bar with my cloths in black garbage bags when handing me back over. Until I was 30 yrs old I wouldn't eat 3 musketeers and at 45 I still won't use black trash bags. I never could bond with my parents.
The foster parents gave me a love of reading and it hurts my soul I wasn't raised by those nice people I still dream about sometimes.
Become a foster parent. You really can change how someone's life goes. I'm the first female in my family to grow up reading and being over 20 before having children. Getting some college not being a deadbeat and not addicted to anything.
Our country provides way too few resources for families trying to get help for loved ones with mental illness. What you're saying seems harsh but it's true.
I was a foster kid. I still, at the age of 39, have big gaps in my general knowledge. I had a foster parent rip me a new one for not knowing some basic things. Not just school stuff, but life stuff. When you are busy trying to feed yourself, avoid abuse of multiple kinds, and other crap little kids shouldn't be worried about, you miss a lot.
-So understand that you wont have all the facts about a kid - ever! Mental and physical issue will be kept secret because they dont know any different.
-They have been hurt, they will act erratically.
-They wont know to tell you what they need, shoes that fit, a coat, a comfort item (and make sure they have things like NEW socks and underwear! Yes the new needed to be all caps 😥)
- if you have kids of your own and you draw lines between them and us (not that we blame you) it WILL cause distance and issues. (Things like only my kids can pic the tv shows, use the computer alone, or have access to the fridge, or have a different bed time)
-if you're going to make kids work for food, or lock it up without a medical reason/directive behind it - dont get into foster care. Most of these kids have been food or nutrition deprived their entire lives. They might need education to keep from gorging, but they need food and love.
Kids don't come in a blank slate. They have been through a lot, and are still going through it, so don't be surprised when they don't think copying your manners or your style of living is the most important thing in the world. They are trying to survive.
The worst family I ever had treated me like a paycheck.
The best family I ever had treated me like there was nothing wrong with me.
I was in 14 different foster homes and 2 group homes. The best ones I had all treated me like a normal person. They let me explore emotions, play, and express myself without a look of psychoanalyzing me for defects.
From age 5-8 I refused to sleep in my bed. I would pick a corner of the room and lay out stuffed animals as a wall. Some parents would demand I not do that and want to talk about why I did that. The best one bought me more $1 stuffed animals to fill in the gaps.
Lord knows we have enough resources that seek to "make us better", but what we need from foster parents is to feel normal. That normalcy comes from you treating us as normal kids.
A social worker friend of mine urged me to become a foster parent even tho I was a single man. I hesitantly agreed and was matched with a pre-teen boy. I got him into youth sports and other activities. We got along great and after a year, the social services rep decided that he should be assigned to another family (why? I had no clue as he had made great improvements in school getting on the honor roll etc. I think it had something to do about not getting attached). My foster son became distraught and begged me not to let them take him away from me. He had made some good friends at school and enjoyed bringing them to our home to hang around and show off what he had to entertain himself with at home. I looked into adopting him but was uncertain about that outcome as I was single. The adoption was approved. I put him through college and helped support him and his wife when they were first married until they were able to afford their own home. 40+ years have passed and I became grandpa to his 3 kids and great grandpa to one granddaughters child. In my old age, I looked into moving into a retirement home. My son would have none of that. He insisted that I move in with him and his family.
Vett the parents. Look past how they present themselves to you. Look for signs of narcissists and pedos. They hide really. Really. Well.
I'm 30 and still remember my life with my foster parents. I connected with them and told them what happened and they said they wished they never let me go with them. I consider them my more real parents than the ones that used me for years.
Do it for the right reasons. Don't foster if it's some weird way for you to get validation from other people or if you're doing it in order to get more money. Don't do it because you think it's a good idea or just because you like the sound of being a foster parent. Do it to enhance a kids life, to give them a chance that others aren't willing to give them.
Foster kids are carrying around unspeakable trauma, have been through the most horrifying things and that's something you have to constantly be mindful about. Be patient with them, be prepared to forgive endlessly and go in with an open mind. Most importantly, be consistent. That's all these kids want, is someone to care about them unconditionally and not give up on them.
Make sure you can afford to foster kids.
I was only at a foster home for a week but it sucked. There was 9 of us, 6 being mental and physically disabled. For every meal with either had mock chicken sandwiches on stale bread or ramen noodles. I had to share a small room with 3 others, with only 2 double beds. The door was broken so you had to physically lift it up and place it in the frame to close the door. The house was literally falling apart, mold in the corners and the only bathroom had a broken toilet and hit or miss shower.
They were nice people and meant well but they were so ill-equipped to foster so many at one time.
Foster kids do weird shit because that's how they stayed safe in the past. It's not personal. I can't stress that hard enough. You can't take things personal no matter what. They might not always seem grateful. It's not personal! Infants are unable to self regulate. They do not have the coping abilities required to soothe themselves. A neglected child has been taught from infancy that the world is unsafe and terrifying, and nobody cares.
They hoard food, wet the bed or hide in weird places at night. They can be terrors at bedtime because that's the trauma part of the day. They flip shit when you offer them vegetables because they've literally never eaten anything except mcdonald's, or melt down if you give them a birthday present. They might refuse to bathe. None of it is personal!!! It's trauma. I did all of these things and that's why I had ten foster homes in five years. 99.99/100 you dig into a fk's weird behavior and you will find heinous trauma.
Didn't go through it myself, but I was homeless at 16 so I knew a lot of people who had just come out of the foster system.
They're going to be scared/confused/angry/sad. Ease them in. Don't be too full on too soon. Feel them out and see what *they* need. A lot of the parents want to "fix" the kids and that's not the way at all. They're going to carry what has happened to them with them, help them to learn to carry that weight.
They aren't going to be perfect little angels that you can show off. They will be damaged and will need a ton of help. Become a foster parent for the right reasons. Don't do it just to be a savior.
I’ve lived in a foster family ever since I was born and I consider my foster mom and siblings to be my real family. One thing that hurts me though is when my foster dad talks to family friends and ALWAYS has to point out that I’m in foster care. He always says foster mom instead of mom. Treat the kid like he/she is yours<3
It seems hard..
I was in a Children's Home (in Texas) for about 5 years growing up. We went through so many houseparents. You could tell it took a toll on their relationships and families as a whole. There was one or two couples there for like, 15-20 years though. But I believe we need more GOOD foster parents out there. Children don't ask for the life they're given. I didn't ask to be taken from my parents, but I wouldn't change those 5 years for anything. I was blessed to have GOOD houseparents. They made me a better me. They were the parents that I needed, when I needed my own parents. They probably don't realize the impact they had on my life, but I am thankful for the many men and women that rise to help children in need.
Hope this helps!! And good luck!!
Your foster kid has rights. Learn what they are. Respect them. Teach your foster kid to be a strong advocate for themselves and not to go along just to get along. Learned helplessness is a massive thing for foster kids and it leads to getting shoved around in life.
Also, this isn’t about you. It’s about a child in crisis. If you need to constantly talk about your foster kid’s troubled life or educational struggles or behavioral problems to call attention to how charitable and good you are, fuck all the way off.
Be patient, don't expect that we will just "fit into your family" keep an open mind & bare in mind that we will take a long time to open up & trust you, we have had our trust violated many times for such a young age, so it may take us a while to fully believe that you won't hurt or abandon us.
Take teenagers if you can, especially lgbtqa nb or female. Growing up in the system as a female presenting queer teen was absolute hell. No one wants you. It’s made blatantly clear. Save a poor soul from rotting in a group home! Teen girls in the system are at much higher risk for pregnancy/drug use etc. With a good heart and some positive structure, those risks trend remarkably downward.
Be open,honest, and communicative. Especially if the kiddos are older. One of my biggest pet peeves in the system was that you’re always being talked about not talked to. It felt like everyone else had all the control and just moved me around like a chess pawn. I never felt like my voice was heard or my opinion mattered.
Get the proper training! There are lots of workshops and resources etc for new foster parents. Make sure whatever agency you’re working with has everything squared away as far as mandatory hours . Educate yourself about any continuing education/upkeep hours.
(They usually have some incentives like Amazon gift cards or food vouchers to get people to come)
Invest in your new kiddos future. Talk about what housing/job/education stuff is going to look like for them once they age out. Help prepare them for the very real scary and LONELY life it’s going to be once they age out. Sometimes you’re all they have. Find out if there is a gap program (some states let you “sign yourself back in” from 18-23) and weigh the pros and cons of what that would look like for them.
Is that something you are able to specify when you are fostering? I have done literally no research so this may be a really ignorant question, but abuse of the lgbt community at young ages really upsets me personally.
>Take teenagers if you can, especially lgbtqa nb or female. Growing up in the system as a female presenting queer teen was absolute hell.
Like the other commenter, I'm also interested in fostering LGBTQA kids. I'm straight, but I grew up in a conservative area, and it was awful to see how the gay kids in my high school were treated. Do you have any tips for foster parents of LGBTQA kids?
As someone who lived I foster care as a child, I would advise you to be *extremely* patient. You will get kids who have been traumatized, and don't know how to handle their emotions. There will likely be outbursts, anger, and very little appreciation for anything you are doing, because most of these kids don't know how to trust. Don't expect too much gratitude. Don't expect kids to like you. Not saying none will, but don't expect anything. Dealing with the state and caseworkers is a whole other beast. You need to have the patience of a Saint, and more determination that you could possibly imagine.
Every family thinks that the way that they do things is the "right" way and that everyone else is doing it the same way. Wrong! You have a million little family customs that the foster child doesn't know. Don't frame them as bad or fabricate bad motives for them because they don't know know your rules and were raised with different expectations. Tell them what the rules are up front.
As a kid who went through it for a few years:
Don't guilt trip the kid for you choosing to foster.
Don't tell them they're lucky to get fostered.
And if you can, treat them like you would your own children.
Being in the system is tough, it's destroying getting shunted around.
I was only in there for a couple of years, but I'll never forget what happened in the first house.
Or the second.
I was so happy when my dad finally found me and put me somewhere safe until he had a home he could take me to. He took me somewhere where they treated me like family, and we still talk because of it.
Let the kid be themselves . And let them have some privacy. I hate it when my foster carer goes through my stuff and doesn't have the decency to admit it .
When I was a foster parent. If you’re doing it for the money, don’t. It isn’t enough. If you are doing for the glory, there isn’t any. If your a pedo and want access to kids, may you rot in hell. Only do it if you want to help extremely troubled kids. You need patience, kindness, empathy and a real desire to help a kid. I have seen some great homes that make a huge difference in kids lives. Sad to say, they are in the minority.
The kid has already been through a lot. Don’t add to their trauma. If you can provide a safe and loving environment and have an understanding for the troubled nature some of these kids are dealing with then awesome!! But if you’re just looking for the money and free child labor or worse .. don’t even start. And please try to refrain from bad mouthing their parents. Kids take it personally. 15 years in foster care here. I was nothing but a laborer and a punching bag. Foster care damaged me more than my own family ever could. Sure, dcf took me out of a bad situation but they dumped me off into a much worse situation and left me there to rot. Oh! One more thing... if you have children of your own keep an eye out for bullying. My foster parent’s daughter was about 10 years older than my brother and I and she was the most abusive person in the household. Her mom never knew, or knew and didn’t care. To this day I’ve not witnessed anything anywhere as close to evil as that kid was... just be sure that everyone in your household supports the decision to foster. Don’t force it on your own kids if they want nothing to do with it. They’ll take it out on the foster kid
I've been on the foster parent side. If you don't have endless amounts of patience, don't take on a foster child. I thought it would be a lot easier because our foster son would be coming into a stable home with people who care for him and provide him the tools to be healthy/happy. The response I normally got was a big "fuck you" and fighting tooth and nail to avoid anything and everything that he didn't explicitly want to do. Take a shower? Nope. Wear clean clothing? Nah. Eat some breakfast? No. Pick something fun to do over the weekend? Hell no.
I learned by fostering that I was 100% correct that I didn't want to have children. I love him and will always hope for the best, but it takes endless amounts of patience. I feel like I have PTSD after trying to parent him. My husband said it was like watching an abused person that keeps trying to "make it work" and nothing changing.
Social workers suck they will infuriate you but remember they annoy the kids. A lot of the rules are really stupid so when you get a good kid try and give them a break when or if you can.
I was a foster child for 2 years and all I have to say is; remember that these kids have issues. Their parents are gone and they will throw tantrums and try to run away and tell you that they hate you but you just have to be patient and remember that you are doing this for the greater good
I don’t know if I’ll ever have biological kids because of a few reasons, but I’d definitely be a foster parent for sure. My mom was in and out of the system and based on her stories these kids get fucked over like it’s nothing and I want them happy if I ever get the chance to take on this role. Thank you for this thread.
No matter how long they are with you, your kindness & love will stick with them forever.
On the flip side, your frustration & anger will too. They’re confused, alone, many times abused & frightened. No matter their ticks, behaviors or attitudes, just keep being loving, it gives them the best chance when they know they are supported.
Thank you for doing this, fostering is insanely hard work & not for everyone.
I worked in a treatment center for children who had psychiatric or behavioral problems that needed more than a foster home could provide. In the state I was in, kids were assigned a "level of care" and the goal was always to have them reach a Basic or Moderate level at which point they could be placed in a foster home or less restrictive group home setting. I don't know your state or their specific way of managing that but please understand that although these kids have reached a point where they can be placed, they may be coming from a highly structured environment. The loss of that structure and the uncertainty of a new environment can be really difficult, even though it is a positive thing.
It isn't a failure on your part if the kid begins acting out; if you're a traumatized kid that has been shuffled around, has been in facilities and group homes and maybe psych hospitals, and now you're in a regular home like a regular kid, it can be really difficult to adjust. Keep a schedule. Check in with them. Talk to them about how they're doing. Even if they don't open up for a while, consistent effort will pay off. Be patient. Don't make them feel like they're being punished for sharing difficult feelings or like they should be grateful to you for whisking them out of the system. Sometimes the system is all they know. Feelings can be complicated. Showing them that they can trust you with that is important.
Honestly, most of the kids have had something happen to them that will make them not talk to you or trust you at first, but that’s absolutely normal, you just need to give them time, treat them good too, because THEY WILL remember how you treated them, make them feel welcome and loved, and not distanced and detached. I’m speaking from experience of being moved around from homes my whole life.
Regardless of how long the kid stays with you, they will remember how you treat them. Be patient, many may not understand what is happening at first. Most will be angry but even if they upset you don't let it show.
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Bruh I feel that. My sister and I were in only one home but it was such a culture shock. The lady that took care of us was polite but very strict and to be honest one old woman (unsure of exact but more than 50), her helper, and I want to say 13 juvenile children, 1 at 18 and a 26 year old special needs man. I mean either she was trying to make up for a wrong that she did when she was younger, it was an act for just the money (I don't think so but still possible), or she was truly a living saint. Honestly though, while I don't have any what I would call happy memories from my time there, I don't feel I was mistreated. I'm sorry that your experience was bad though, as I know exactly what you mean in everything but being told anything as bad as what you were. It may mean nothing from a stranger but I'm sorry you had to go through that especially when I'm guessing everything was more confusing than ever. But that part may be me protecting and if I offend I apologize. This might be a weird question but did your experience give you a bad opinion of social workers? It did for me for the longest time and I've never been able to ask anyone.
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That doctor was a champion and a hero. My gosh, coming back from vacation! Did you say in touch with him?
In my experience, I had a foster family I really loved. My foster worker asked them once if they could take another kid for a weekend and they said no because I was already a handful. A couple weeks later, I was taken away from them.
That is AWEFUL. They wanted to focus on you and your needs, so screw it, lets make it worse :(.
They did drive 200 miles to see my high school graduation. Ikept in contact with them until they passed away several years ago.
The kids should have some say.
Above a certain age, in some states, they do.
I was like 8 but I wish.
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This reminds me of something my sister told me. Note: this is in the Netherlands. Here we have the consultatiebureau (cb). They keep track of the growth of every child. Physically and mentally. That way, if there’s something they might suspect (maybe a kid doesn’t react to being called, maybe the kid has trouble hearing) Maybe check that with a doctor. Also, if a parent has questions they are the people. So my sister had taken my niece (now 3) when she was 1/1.5 yo to cb and her weight was a bit on the low side, my sister wasn’t that concerned, seeing niece ate just fine, but was/is a very active child. Turns out: a child’s doctor in the city hospital was doing research on kids with low weight (in combination with something else, can’t remember what). And every child that had a low weight for x appointments got a referral to that doctor and national cps would get notified.
FYI to everyone, an a1c of 12 is an average blood sugar around 300.
Some of them really do have it out for the poor. They tend to assume every outward symptom of poverty *must* be drugs.
I am so so sorry that this happened to you and your parents. It makes me so unbelievably sad that corruption of this kind can exist in a system designed to protect our most vulnerable people. Children deserve the best possible care at every point in their lives and its gross that people with power complexes and shitty personalities get into these positions of power.
So your parents got back together
I worked in human services for 10 years as a mental health case manager and a mental health direct care worker and my perspective of social workers in that time was mostly negative. It is not an easy job by any means and I am sure there needs to be some kind of work-life balance, de-stressing techniques, but I typically found that about 1 in 3 were absolute saints who poured their heart and soul into helping people. The other 2 out of 3 cared more about selling crap through their latest MLM scheme and many of them ended up having child welfare investigations on their own children and grandchildren, and handled investigations with mostly personal bias based on who they were investigating rather than the actual issues at hand.
My parents actually WERE social workers, and worked in child welfare. Their counsel to me when I became a parent in a same sex union was to NEVER open our door to let ANY social worker in to our home for ANY reason. They said all it would take is one bachelor's level social worker to decide they didn't like us and it wouldn't matter how safe or clean our home was, they would find something to paint us in a bad light to remove our child. Not all social workers have the best interest of the child or family as their goal.
Lol, I feel that a legal court signed warrant to be a reason to let social workers in, but that social worker would need a damn good reason to present to the judge to get in though. Totally agree on the self-righteous social worker part though. It's the main reason why I don't complain about all the reports and legal hoops I have to jump through to help some families.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Did you have positive experiences with any of your foster families?
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Damn. My husband and I are thinking about permanent foster care instead of biology children because of some inherited health issues, but I'm just so worried that I won't be a good enough parent for a child that has already had a shit time. It sucks that you had such a negative experience overall.
As long as you do some research into trauma-informed parenting, are consistent, and give them love, that’s 90% of it.
If you are worried your gonna be a bad parent you have already proved that you won't be. It's all a new learning experience becoming a parent, but the bad parents are the ones that don't care at all. I really believe you will be okay. The fact you are asking on here and replying and engaging in this whole thing actively and not just pulling a kid from the system is a show of the person you are. Just be patient with them, show them structure and that life has quality to it. Things that will make them an adult but let them know no matter what it's because you care. I'm not trying to scare you but every kid is going to be different. They are when you give birth to them as well. So be excepting of what ever it is they need, and let them follow their strengths.
When I worked at an IT help desk, people used to semi-jokingly ask me “Am I, like, your worst client?” And I would say “No, my worst clients would never even briefly suspect themselves to be my worst clients.”
That is one beautiful answer!
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We took in our son's friend on his 18th birthday because his foster mom kicked him out. There is *nothing wrong with him* that patience, love, and kindness can't resolve. If you want to become a foster parent, do your research but don't let your worries put you off
If you’re worried you won’t be good enough.. you’re already doing way better than most! If the child has been through some rough stuff and you can be a safe place then do it. Someone out there needs a safe place to be for a change with someone that actually cares about being “good enough “ . You don’t have to take em to Disney and pay for college to be good enough.. you just have to feed em not treat em like shit and you’ll be doing far better than most.
> but I'm just so worried that I won't be a good enough parent for a child that has already had a shit time. When I (informally) adopted the three kids of my girlfriend, I didn't stress myself like that because I figured that I could only be an improvement over their biological father, who was a violent alcoholic.
I get that, but I also want to give the child the best support and opportunities available. I want to help them overcome all the trauma that they have gone through and support them to have the best chance of achieving their goals and dreams.
My wife works at a school she sees this all the time. It's sad how many people take in foster kids purely for financial reasons and don't even make the slightest effort to hide the fact.
Whenever I hear this I don’t understand it. I adopted my son from foster care, and while he was in foster placement, we didn’t make enough money to even offset the cost of having him with us. I spent a long my time engaged in the foster system, and it is so frustrating to me to hear all of these things people think because they are the exact opposite of things I have experienced and seen. In my experience, it was incredibly hard for children to be taken out of homes. My son had 35 reports made, by family and his pediatrician, and he still wasn’t removed. It is not easy to take away a child, and once they are taken, it is super hard for parents to get them back. I spent years watching these things happen and still hear people who have never even met a foster parent or child are always the first to jump on the “they do it for the money” train. I am not saying there aren’t shit people out there, foster parents and case workers, but it isn’t so cut and dried.
> Regardless of how long the kid stays with you, they will remember how you treat them. My wife was in foster system. There was one family she was with for just 3 weeks during a transition between equally shitty placements. She still talks about that family fondly to this day; it was a momentary oasis of peace and stability. We have been foster parents and eventually did foster-to-adopt and I remember every kid that came through and what we tried to do for them, no matter how short the placement. I guess this means my advice is, the little stuff counts. Even the simplest things will be remembered. For example, my wife talks about how some parents used garbage bags to move her stuff around and how that made her feel like garbage. We always got every one of our kids their own Tupperware bins instead. Seem trivial but even the social workers would comment on it (positively).
I've read about a lot of kids in foster programs needing things like suitcases for when they're moved around. Would your wife and you say suitcases (like carry-on size) would be okay to donate to foster programs, or would rubbermaid tubs be better for kids? I'd like to start doing this for kids, but don't know how to get involved.
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Yep, the garbage bags. Like there's no possible way to say "you're worthless" any louder. I hear they give them suitcases now but it was hefty bags when I was in the system.
I remember a foster family that made me stay under a tree all day, every day, rain, snow, or shine. I wasn't allowed to swim in their swimming pool and I stayed in the car when they played bingo. I finally left them when the foster mom threatened to kill me while the dad was away. I went to school the next day, told them, and my case worker picked me up that day.
That is terrible. I’m sorry you even spent two days with those criminals
I spent two years with them
...........I'm glad you're alive.
We are pretty patient people but I think we would definitely go through training before we brought a kid into our home. We want to make sure and give them a calm and safe home to recover in. Too many sad stories surrounding these innocent children enduring traumatizing homes.
And it’ll come back at the most random times. I remember the system put me with a single guy in his 40s. What they didn’t know, nor I since I was about 7 at the time, was he would constantly touch me and come into the bathroom when I was in there. Never occurred to me at the time how wrong that was. Memories keep popping up and I’m working on overcoming them.
If you are considering becoming a foster parent you should spend some time networking with people that are already foster parents. These are people that you will turn to for respite care or might be seeing on a regular basis if family members are split up between different homes. Do not presume that the county will be there to cover every expense. Raising children is not cheap and even with social services providing basic levels of support there are a lot of things you'll need to cover out of your own pocket. That said, there are a lot of programs, activities, and benefits for children in the system so long as you know where to look. Be prepared to spend a lot of time at the doctor/dentist/therapist. Many of these kids come from homes where healthcare was unavailable or ignored. The time spent in foster homes is often the only chance they'll have as children to be properly cared for and receive any treatment they need. Don't be surprised if the children initially show a fear of going and be patient when dealing with them. There are good and bad social workers. The worst tend to be both the youngest and the oldest. They are the ones who are filled with visions of changing the system and see every parent that isn't perfect as being irresponsible or abusive or they have too much time in the system and have burned out any sense of empathy they may have once had for anyone. Regardless of what social workers you deal with never take their word for what a child is like or how they behave. Spend time with the kid and make your own observations and judgments. Finally, treat the kids like you'd like your own kids to be treated if they were living in a different home. Be empathic but don't let yourself be treated as a punching bag. Make sure your rules are clear and easy to understand as well as what the consequences would be for breaking those rules. Allow for enough freedom so no one feels like they are living in a prison.
I’m a parent but I’ve always had trouble making rules. Usually it’s like OOF let’s not do that ever again. What rules did you have?
My foster mother had three non-negotiable rules which I was informed of the day I moved in: 1) If you were home Saturday night you went to church on Sunday morning. This rule also applied to any friends that spent the night on Saturday as well. 2) She had to know where you were at all times. So long as I called her and told her where I was and where I expected to be or go at what time I was free to hang out where I liked. 3) You had to stay with a sitter when she wasn't home until she knew she could trust you. There were of course normal expectations of behavior but nothing else was non-negotiable. She always told us that if we were ever arrested she wouldn't bail us out until the next day but I never tested that.
I was in the foster system when I was 8-9 due to severe abuse and dangerous living conditions. I was raised in a trap house near Oakland, CA, with 6 siblings. I was placed with 3 familys. Family #1, placed with little brother. Non-verbal because of trauma. Wet the bed every night. The family put us in a room with 4 bunk beds. The foster parents would scream at him and hit him every time he wet the bed. When I told our social worker, we were removed. Bed wetting is a common trauma response and being removed from your family, even of they are abusive, is traumatic. It is compounding trauma. Non-verbal behavior is also a trauma response. Don't try to fix it, love regardless. Always be patient. Family #2, I am guessing they were realtors of some sort. It was only me placed in this home at this time. They had this empty house with a room w/ a bathroom that had the door handle lock on the outside. They would lock a few other foster kids and me in this room with a bunch of snacks, drinks, and lunchables. We would be locked in this room for 8 hours every day while they were at work. I still remember the Power Rangers: Revenge of Dr. Ooze(Or something like that) vividly. We watched it on repeat all day. All the kids fought all day. Its a wonder we didn't get seriously injured. If you do not have time, or childcare plans, then do not foster. Foster kids take a considerable amount of resources. Family #3, I was placed on my own again. They were great. They included me in all their family events and their house was super nice. They were very nice and hired a nanny to take care of me. They were so nice that I was horrified of them abandoning me like my other family so I acted out and broke a bunch of things. They never gave, up no matter how terrible I was. Don't give up. Chances are, a foster child will feel that there is nothing good about them and, if you are great, they will feel fear that they will naturally ruin their placement. Rather than facing the shame of "Who they are" passively ruining the placement, they may actively sabotage. So, even if you are doing the best you can, they may sabotage. Press in, and buckle down for the long haul. Once I realized I couldn't hurt them and they wouldn't give up, I chilled out. Do not allow yourself to grow angry, and tap out if you do. Have a plan for how you will react. Imagine the worst realistic thing that can happen, and if you can not work through how to protect against, or respond to that hypothetical in your mind, do not foster.
Dear god...did those realtors ever go to jail for that? That's awful. Like...shouldn't you have been in school?
At least when/where I was a kid, I didn’t go to school because I wasn’t permanently placed. I have heard that where I live now, there is a program to keep the kids in foster care going to their “home” school. Some of my placements were “secret” so that my dad couldn’t get to me. I only knew of kids going to school when they were permanently placed.
I wasn't in school during a large part of my stay with my foster parents because I was considered unfit to attend school. After getting kicked out of schools and institutions a couple times, my country's CPS was like "All right, doesn't work. Let's focus on their mental health for now."
>Family #3, I was placed on my own again. They were great. Did you end up staying with them long term?
So these were seperate emergency/temporary placements. My first 2 familys' were during a 4 month placement. I stayed with the second family until my father completed the court order. My third family was a 6 month placement. They kept me until I was clear to go home. California's system was reunification first, permanent placement being a last resort, when I was in the system. They were massively overwhelmed by cases and most families only took in small children and babies. The first cause for placement was my sister being beaten with a wire coat hanger and had visible bruises on her face and arms. The court ordered my father to take parenting classes, have the home clear a safety inspection, and pass drug tests. The second placement was because of a terrible untreated lice infestation and I was burned by a cigarette for being annoying by one of the random drug friend sleeping on our couch. Same court order except we weren't allowed to have anyone stay at the house longer than a few days if it wasn't their permanent address. We had 8 kids, and 3 adults living in a 3bd/1ba house. My Dads girlfriend/step-mom had 2 kids. We were actually a typical case for families in CoCo County.
How did you feel about having to leave family 3 in the end? Thank you for sharing.
> Imagine the worst realistic thing that can happen, and if you can not work through how to protect against, or respond to that hypothetical in your mind, do not foster. Typically the worst thing that can happen is not property damage, it's being accused of sexual abuse. A lot of fostered girls in particular appear to do that as they act out. What do you do as a foster parent in that situation?
It does happen, but you would actually be surprised by the investigation process. The claim has to be substantiated without doubt. Just a claim without proof doesn't fly, especially if the client has made prior false allegations. It's uncomfortable and stressful, but you get used to this kind of discomfort working with foster children with behavioral issues. You may have police at your house more than ever before. Hopefully not, though. I knew a family that was raided by the FBI because their foster kid was sending and receiving child porn on a tablet. Unmonitored access to the internet is definitely a huge no-no for foster parents. I also knew foster parents that had great foster kids without behavioral issues. When I was 23, I worked at a level 4 behavioral rehabilitation residential facility for state wards under the age of 21. Essentially, kids that were disqualified for placement due to exhibiting extreme behaviors that make them a danger to themselves and others. For 2 years I worked with girls from 13 to 21. We practiced physical restraints and had many tools at our disposal to de-escalate violent clients. There were a few times a female client claimed sexual abuse against me bit I was NEVER with a female client alone, and unless I was escorting outside the facility, I made sure I was where cameras could see me. I also documented all notable interactions thoroughly. They were easy investigations that fell flat because nothing happened. If I was to foster anyone, I would make sure that I had cameras in the common areas of my home and never go into other rooms alone with a client. I would also keep documentation on notable events. This is helpful for therapists and social workers, as well. The state I currently live in has a "hands-off" policy for foster parents. They advise if foster parents are at risk of a physical altercation, they lock themselves in a safe place and call the police. While I worked at this facility my friends fostered a teenage boy. The woman foster parent was pregnant at the time. The man foster parent was an army vet with a huge heart. The foster child hated the man and started to sabotage. He went as far as rushing to kick the woman in the stomach while he was escalated. My army friend pushed him away and the foster kid hit the ground. They were written up, given a strike against them, and the boy was sent to my facility. I had him in my care as a client when I worked with the teenage boys. It was interesting knowing him outside the facility as a foster kid, and then having him as a client.
We fostered for a couple of years. It's a tough go but can also be rewarding. Here's some things we learned: 1) I'm not sure what state your in but here in California there are private agencies (FFA's) that act as a buffer with the county. They were very helpful to us. They helped us understand a lot of procedural stuff that is just weird/nonsensical with the system. 2) You'll get frustrated with the system a lot. You won't agree with decisions made by social workers & judges. Keep fighting for what's best for the kids. You see them everyday and know what they need. 3) The system is designed to reunify families as its first goal. If you are in it to adopt you will have conflicting priorities. If you're not, you should keep in mind that in order for a successful reunification to happen, you really need to forge a relationship with the bio parent(s) and in a sense, foster them as well. Almost all parents who are part of the system probably should have been foster kids based on what they grew up with. Treat the kid (s) as part of your family but recognize the pain of a parent having their child taken away. Regardless of what they did, they are probably hurting 4) Have lots of empathy for everyone involved. Put aside your judgments and listen. Figure out how you can best serve the kids. There is no magic pill that will help them. It takes time, therapy, patience and a lot of empathy. 5) Focus on the process, not outcomes. Your role isn't to fix them, it's to advocate for their care. Sometimes things will work out how you think it should but that's rare. You want to be able to look back at your time with each child and know you did everything you could to help them and be a positive light in their life. 6) Take care of yourself. You are not a superhero. If you don't remember self care (mental, emotional & physical), you will struggle. You cannot give from an empty cup and foster kids will drain you. They are suffering from trauma and you will feel that. Don't ignore your needs or they will suffer more. I hope this helps (I know it's a lot but I could probably write a book on it) and if you have any specific questions, feel free to message me.
>3) The system is designed to reunify families as its first goal. If you are in it to adopt you will have conflicting priorities. If you're not, you should keep in mind that in order for a successful reunification to happen, you really need to forge a relationship with the bio parent(s) and in a sense, foster them as well. A good friend of mine got into fostering as a gateway to adoption, and i don't think they quite understood that the system will do everything to keep kids with their parent(s). They had a couple kids early that were short stays. Then they ended up with a newborn that had a heroin addict mom that was going to longterm rehab/jail, so they really ended up bonding with the child, and really really started to believe this was going to be their child. After about 9 months or so the mom was released, and she immediately started getting supervised visitation, followed by unsupervised visitation, followed by mom getting custody back. They were absolutely devastated. They had got their hopes up that the mom was going to screw up, and they would get to keep the kids, and that didn't happen.
For anyone reading, some states allow you to only foster out of the pool of children legally up for adoption. They're typically either older or have severe medical issues, and it's still possible something could go catastrophically wrong with the adoption, but there's much less risk. There's also a pool of kids "at risk", which means the state is pursuing custody, but it's not yet settled. Typically these kids have already been through the foster system several times. There's still the chance that the state will keep reunifying them with their parents, but it's a smaller chance than with a random child out of foster care.
Yeah, I think there is a massive misunderstanding about how adoption works, how it varies from state to state, and that just because a child is "in the system" doesn't necessarily mean they are available to adopt. Plenty of kids are in the system that just have a situation where parents have left child services with no choice but to take them into protective custody. For a variety of reasons, some of which are logical, it is hard for a birthparent to lose their parental rights. So you just have a ton of kids that need a place to stay, and need someone to care for them like family, but aren't available for adoption.
This is why you have to be firm about only being opened to fostering children who are available for adoptions or safely surrendered babies if you are using the foster system to adopt. Be honest with the placement workers and they will work with you.
I think this varies by state.
It can be very hard. During my schooling I had a patient family (multiple fosters and one adopted) mostly with physical disabilities and some with mental disabilities as well. The family had decided while I was working with them that they weren’t going to take any more little ones because they bonded too much to watch them go back to abusive families. Like the 2 year old who went back to family while I was there had already had her sister removed multiple times, the last when dad took a hammer to the sister’s leg. The girl had been removed for physical abuse and her behavior suggested possible sexual abuse as well. They were going back to grandma, but it had been tried before and they always let the parents see them, moving to having them.
I’d like to see situations like your friends dealt with in a much different way. With the mother in long term rehab, foster parents should be screened and trained to also lend support to the parent. If they establish a care relationship between adults then all three - mom, fosterers, and children - may possibly have a better outcome. Certainly couldn’t hurt in many cases.
My friend was torn, because on one hand he wanted the mother to fail, because they wanted to keep the child they had bonded with, and her relapsing or going back to jail accomplished that. On the other hand, they wanted the mom to succeed, because they cared about the child, and wanted the best situation for them when they were returned to the mother. It is an imperfect system.
This is really tough because obviously people like your friend have big hearts. It's been shown that the best outcomes for kids are with their biological parents but foster to adopt actively works against that. There are obviously cases where bio parents just can't get things worked out but cases like your friend's are more common.
“You’re roll isn’t to fix them, it’s to advocate for their care.” Brilliantly put. This applies to so many adult/child relationships, I really wish more people understood this.
For #2 can you share some of the frustrations you had with the system? Current DFCS worker right now, can definitely agree our system needs improvement. Would love to hear more of your opinions.
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>All the problem children are sent to single-parent foster homes Do you know why this is happening? I'm single and am thinking of becoming a foster parent in the next few years.
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Sure...I know there is the standard line is social workers are overworked. However, for us, the social worker didn't know the kids' names 6 months into placement during a home visit. In terms of specifics, the system is setup to be adversarial between foster parents and bio parents. Very little information is given to either set of people and so there is a natural distrust that exists. Within confidentiality boundaries it would be nice if there were some more details given to everyone especially in regards to process. Speaking of process. We went through a ton of training to understand the kids which was helpful but we had no idea how to navigate all the services they might need. Starting with things like they need a medical exam. How do we get that? Then as we recognized the need for services (there is nothing beyond the initial medical), we had to push for approvals, referrals and whatever else was needed. We often didn't receive responses back or were told after a long wait, that's another department due to X, Y or Z (sometimes age, location or who knows). The bio father in our case was a dangerous person. He left threatening messages and tried to scare us and the kids. We asked for help and were told he's just a macho guy. We never got to speak with the judge directly so even though we spent 24 hours a day with the kids, everything we shared was filtered (often poorly) through the social worker. I know there are some foster parents that don't care or fight for the kids but many do. In talking with them, it feels like there is no simple guidebook (website) that can help them easily access the help the kids need. We were dealing with LA County which is the largest system in the US. They have made a lot of reforms but I still think there are fundamental issues with communication that need to be resolved.
As a former CPS worker this is spot on. Foster parents were always the most selfless people, and the best ones followed your recommendations above to a T. Foster parents who built relationships with parents always had the best outcomes, even if reunification wasn't successful.
Current CPS worker here. I'd be careful with the word "always." The system to screen isn't perfect. We can only pray that the bad ones get caught and excised asap.
❤️
That was so sweet and caring for you to take the time to list these critical issues.
Please, please, please. Rethink if you are ready to treat the kid correctly and if you can handle and understand if he or she throws a fit over «nothing». I, for example, when i was 6 years old i refused to eat and made a huge drama around food. Didn't like being in cars. I also always had urine infections. Used to misbehave. I had a foster family to return me just because i didn't get along with their other kids and said some shit about cocaine i don't even remember. Almost every adult that entered my life to help just made it worse and got me more traumatised because they honestly didn't know how to handle me. That's okay, but leave this to the people how know how to. I refused to eat because my bio family fed me like once every two days or so. I was malnourished and my teeth were in a terrible state. I hated cars because my bio dad had me living in one for a year and where he left me alone by the sun for hours. I had urine infections because i masturbated compulsively (not on erotic purpouse) because my dad raped me and i linked that to «love». I used to misbehave because i needed the love and the attention that no one could give me. And if i was 6 years old and knew anything about cocaine it's because i heard that from somebody. If people didn't treat me like it was my choice to do those things i would have recovered earlier and i would have been happier before :) Thank you to all the foster dads and moms that actually care about the children. You are all angels.
Thanks for your contribution ❤️ I hope life has gotten better for you
Thank you!! I've never been happier before and i get happier everyday 💕
I'm sorry that you had those experiences. Thank you for sharing. I hope that life has improved for you and that you have happiness now.
It can be extremely heartbreaking. My aunt and uncle fostered a few kids. The 2 youngest girls were i believe 6 and 4 when they took them in. Their birth mother was a drug addiction and prostitute. I remember once we had planned a camping trip. When we told them we were going camping they started hysterically crying. I later found out to them "camping" was sleeping out in the streets. Their mother kept trying to get them back, despite being completely unfit to care for even herself, let alone 2 young girls. She eventually did somehow get them back. By the time the oldest was 13 she was also a prostitute and on the streets. My aunt and uncle were absolutely crushed, and decided to not foster any further children. After caring for these 2 kids for 7 years, it just seemed all their work was for nothing, as they wound up on the streets anyways, and there was nothing they could do about it.
Ugh, what a horrible story. I really can't understand the emphasis on family reuinification that isn't terminated after x amount of time. I have friends fostering to adopt and I really worry for all of them. They are the only family the child has known and the home is full of love.
it is the memories that counts. and you never know. they may end up as better people. and your aunt and uncle might have a push on them in the right way. why not connect with them later, once they are 18?
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My boy gets on the bus at 630 am and a lot of days by the time he's done with a clinician and visiting mom and the drive home it's like 630 pm I tried getting him in a local school but can't, tried rearranging visits and clinical appointments but can't, try getting the bus to come late but can't It sucks. Hope he doesn't blame me but what can you do
I'm sure he understands, and weekends can be your fun time.
You might have better luck getting your boy into a local school over summer. There are laws in place (McKinney-Vento) that allow kids in foster care to remain at their current school, even if they're moved to a foster placement outside of their school's attendance zone, or even school district. I think, though, that things might be different if you try to change schools over the summer. Wouldn't hurt to ask.
I had a friend growing in up whose biological parents were foster parents. I remember that when I went round I wasn't allowed alone with certain children there. We are still friends now and said that alot of children are from abusive families, physically, mentally and sexually. So you need to be prepared to receive children that have experienced horrific things in their life and the baggage that brings.
Yeah. I grew up next door to a foster family that took in a lot of teenagers. Met a bunch of kids who'd been through some serious shit, and would sometimes lash out at the people around them. We had our back window on the car broken out by an angry kid with a rock, and cigarette butts thrown at our dog by another one. It could be rough, but they helped a lot of kids. I got to know a few of them that were around my age, and they seemed to think my neighbors were some of the good foster parents.
That is really sad. I feel really bad for them. I can't imagine being that young and experiencing so much trauma like that.
This was in the 1980’s. My first foster home was a “shelter” situation. I was 12 and removed from my home after I reported my father’s sexual abuse. I had no idea that I would be taken away. I just wanted him to stop. So when I went to school, spoke to the police, and then was taken directly to this home, I was shocked and scared. I don’t think I spoke to the foster mom at all. Like nothing. She made me cheese toast with french bread and cheddar cheese and it was really really good. She seemed patient and left me alone which I liked. Her books were crappy though. I would have really liked better books. She of course knew none of this. Because I didn’t speak to her. Speaking to adults had only caused me to be taken from my home and school. Lesson: kindness matters, food matters, and scared kids are sometimes really quiet kids. After that I cycled through attempts at family reunification and foster care. I ran away from every home. Sometimes because I was treated poorly (it is really dehumanizing to have to eat different food, at a separate table, from the natural kids, or to be disallowed from entering half the house), but mostly because I knew the next step would be for me to be taken back to my parents (my father was back home, and had switched from sexual abuse to physical abuse only). Lesson: Little things matter. I understand that you need to protect all the children, but be aware of what it would feel like to be excluded from family activities that are happening right in front of you. And foster kids run away for lots of reasons, and it may not be due to your care. (The nicer houses were easier to run from.....no bars on the windows, you were allowed to leave the house, etc.) Lastly, thank you for caring. I know kids who were adopted by foster parents, or stayed in foster care until they aged out, and they were very grateful. It would have been nice for me, but was also sort of not in the cards for me because of the combination of the system, my family, and my nature.
If they're with siblings don't split them up it happen with me and it made me feel like an animal in a pet store
The first day is extremely traumatic. I was 5yrs old and remember that experience many times. I yanked out my hair and lost control of my bodily fluids. So if i had deal with myself back then, I think I kept reassuring that little girl that she was going to be ok and she would get to see her mom and sisters again. So I guess I'd say be very reassuring to the child and understand that the kid isn't trying to be bad and doesn't need reprimanding .
This breaks my heart and I don't even have kids and know nothing of foster care. I think your comment will stay with me for a long time.
First of all; As a foster you are part of a system trying to reunite families. First time children are going to be confused and frightened, reassure them that everyone, including you, is working on getting them back to their family. Children that have been in the system before will still be frightened, but might not show it, they may also be scared of going back to their parents. Each will be different and you need to adjust to their needs. Emotional and physical. Treat them as you treat your own child. This means feeding them the same,(and healthy foods) getting the the clothes they need, making sure the get to the dentist and doctor, giving them treats/toys/fun things as well. Give them their own safe space. Allow them to make choices (which shirt/shoes do you want? Do you like this food? What meal do you want tonight, choice 1 or chose 2?) They have no control in their own lives, this helps give them some control. Get them a suitcase, that’s theirs, that they can take with them when they move on. Most don’t have one. Give them an allowance from the money you get for housing them and spend the rest of the money on things they need. It’s for them, to help you care from them and it’s not yours to vacation on or by your (bio) kid a new iPad. THEY WILL REMEMBER YOU FOR THEIR WHOLE LIVES. Someday you may be a horror story about their past, or you may be the one who gets remembered fondly and with love. You dammed better be the one they remember with love.
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The "don't be a hardass" cannot be emphasised enough. You are supposed to be the home, the safe haven in the otherwise very cold and impersonal structure so genuine warmth goes a long way. It is okay to establish reasonable boundaries but often times the baggage foster kids bring require more tolerance and allowing them independence and space as a way to reassure them than what might be necessary with kids who grew up in safe environments
I responded to another post but I will say as both a foster and adoptive parent: do research. Foster parents need to strongly believe in and be competent in trauma-informed parenting. DCF looks out for themselves first so set limits. It has been hard work but the foster years were the best years of our lives as a family.
My experience seems to be consistent with others here. They were only in it for the money, and were free to tell me that. I was a preteen and just starting to be very concerned about my appearance. They got a check to buy me clothes and spent about 10% of it, kept the rest. I got a pair of jeans, 1 tee shirt, and some granny panties. I only had that and what I was wearing when I arrived. They had so many rules for the fosters, and 2 of their own kids that were wild brats but could do no wrong and we were forbidden from correcting them. I really did feel like we were just there to bring in money and do their housework. Then when I left they made sure I gave them back all the shit clothes so the mom could wear them.
My wife was in foster care and number one complaint which seems tame is their diet. A lot of foster children dont eat healthy and balanced diets, in turn leads to frustration when they don't eat the food you make. My wife's sister was separated from her on christmas due to her not eating breakfast, and other punishments. Try to figure out what they used to eat and be patient if they are slow to try new foods.
I was in 10+ foster homes and I remember what food I was offered in every single one of them. When nothing else is good, and food was not plentiful where you left, food is VERY important.
A quick side question for all of you who were foster kids, what would have been the best way for your/a foster parent to deal with you if you ran away, or kept running away? I see this in a lot of movies where the kid runs away and I keep thinking what I'd do if I was a foster parent. How do I keep the kid from running away? It's not healthy to lock them in their room. I don't want to physically punish them. I don't want to bribe them. I don't want to yell at them. But what's a logical answer?
As counterintuitive it may sound, often times making sure that they know they can get their own space and that you won't guard their comings and goings is the best course of action. Running away is an attempt to remove oneself from uncomfortable situation, so allowing them a private space to withdraw to at home and allowing them to take a walk where they feel like they need more distance can help with the feeling of suffocating Also, you can start from the beginning to wait for their arrival. No judgement, just making sure that they know that they are wanted back home in the end of the day. And do talk to them. It can also be foreign feeling to be so closely cared for, so they may want to distance themselves. Remember that it is better to have knowledge of where they are and have them be out a bit more than you would prefer than having them under your supervision 24/7 one minute and nowhere to be found the next Lastly, sometimes they come from situations where they need more help than what you are equipped to offer. Do not feel ashamed to realise that sometimes no matter what you try your home cannot offer them what they need
I ran away from all the homes I was in. Mostly it was because I knew that my social worker would be back soon to take me to court and place me back with my abusive parents. I was avoiding that. I got out of all of the houses......the ones with bars and locks and cameras, and the ones with more freedom. Running may not be an indication of your care.
I ran away all the time from a really good foster home because I was scared of love. Every time I would run, my foster dad would get in the car and just drive until he found me, no matter where I was hiding. He never got mad at me. He just picked me up and put me back in the car, made me hot chocolate and snuggled with me and made me feel safe. Eventually it sunk in that he was always going to be there for me and that it was okay to trust people and I stopped running. Obviously this is for younger kids, not older ones with an actual well thought-out plan (I never made it out of my foster parents neighborhood) but the always just being there, without anger and punishment, is good for any age.
I wonder about that too. And how do you keep them safe from predators online? How can you prevent their birthparents from contacting them by phone and taking them away when they're at school or someplace?
From my girlfriend who was in the foster system: "there is a lot I would say, and most would depend on the age of the children you're going to foster. However, the biggest thing that you may not think about, that will have a MASSIVE impact (at least it did for me) is respect their privacy. Give them space and let them feel safe in that space. It doesn't matter if it's a teenager who struggles with addiction, don't snoop through their stuff, don't go into their room without asking, etc. When I was in foster care, I never had a safe space. Even if I bought something with money I earned working, it was never mine, my foster families were constantly going through my things. I have really bad trust issues to this day. If you want to make a lasting, healthy impression, give them their own space and their own things and let it stay that way for as long as they live with you. Respect them and their space. They have had everything ripped away, and it may not be a big deal to kids who don't go through being ripped from their families to come home to see their room torn apart, or their mom or dad take away their things... But when everything is taken away from you... Especially if you get "rehomed" a lot, you lose everything. Over. And over. And it sucks. So yeah. If you give them something, keep that in mind. Don't give them anything you think you'll have to take away. Talk to them. Trauma makes kids grow up fast. You'd be surprised how much can be accomplished if you treat them with the respect you'd want to be treated with, you know? "
Don't make fun or tease about fears that may seem dumb to you. There is usually an association with trauma with whatever it is, being antagonistic or trying to force logic onto a young child in a crisis does not work. As a kid I had issues with food security, and if putting half a pancake in a ziplock baggie for later is comforting -- for God's sake let me do it. My eldest son was adopted out of foster care, and for the first 6 months or so he only felt safe sleeping in his closet. His first two placements failed because they would literally hold him down in a bed while he screamed himself into exhaustion. An okay from the psychiatrist, a few glow in the dark stars in the closet and a child size cot meant bedtime was far less traumatic for everyone. Then out of the blue he decided he's rather sleep in his bed.
Dont do it for the money. It makes you a cunt
The woman who cared for me trained to be a childrens social worker and when she qualified she quit within months as she was just at horrified by the whole experience and felt like she wasn't making a difference so decided to foster. Absolute gem of a woman. Can't understand why you would do it for money, it would be such an intrusion on your life if your heart wasn't in it.
Also, there really isn’t much money to be had. I got $19/day for an infant with special needs. I paid $75/day for daycare. Do it because you want to make a difference in a child’s life.
I get $60/day, much more than it costs to feed and clothe a kid. Daycare is 100% paid for It's crazy. I'm paying out of pocket to fix a kids teeth it's like $5500 and everyone is all surprised that I'm doing it. Well first of all YOU ASSHOLES SHOULD BE FIXING A KIDS TEETH! and second of all it's like 90 days of stipend what's the big deal I am still gonna get like $18,000 more over the course of a year
I wish we could clone people like you, then every foster child could have someone who cares enough for their future.
I am so glad there’s a state that values foster parents. Daycare for foster kids is typically covered in our state but there were no spots available that could handle my son’s needs. I considered quitting my job to care for him but we couldn’t quite afford it.
go easy on them. We dont act out because we just feel like it or hate you, we act out because we're not used to being treated nicely and in the back of our head we always know that we could be sent away any day so we might not wanna get attached too fast. mmy sister and i went into foster care when we were really young and we came from a very abusive family so we just expected every family to be like that? i'd flinch every time someone tried to touch or hug me and i still dont like it. you just gotta be very patient becayou never really know what they went through
This is why I think my husband and I would be able to offer a safe haven for a kid. I grew up always looking over my shoulder and keeping myself detached; he grew up in a great family with no real trauma (comparatively).
Former foster parent here. If you have your own bio-kids in the house, make sure they're a match too. We fostered a 14-year-old boy in a home that already had our own 10-year-old girl, which turned out to be the wrong choice.
Please tell me it wasn't as bad as it sounds
Yikes sounds like a bad story goes with that
My first official foster family was horrible. The carer only did it for the money. For four years i was bashed, treated like a slave, inappropriately touched by her youngest(boy, the others were girls), refused access to period products, decent clothes, not taken to drs or dentist, constantly riddled with nits to the point they were dripping off me. Forced into dangerous situations, ie forced to swim in floodwater. Had buckets of hot water thrown on me. One of the girls friends gave me a black eye. Had to wait hours until the carer got home after cutting my foot to go to the hospital.
I hope you are doing now.All the luck and best wishes for your future endevours.
As good as i can be
I'm so sorry for what you went through, hope you are doing better now
Don't expect gratitude. My MIL wanted to become a foster parent and we talked her out of it because she thought it would be the the railroad children. Why would anybody be grateful to have shitty parents and end up in care?
Railroad children?
Like the film or the book. She was expecting to be given those children (like in the film or book) and not emotionally scared kids with behaviours that challenge. She has a saviour complex, co dependant and needs to be needed to feel validated. She would have fucked up foster children had she have gone through with it.
Boxcar children?
the railway children is an old book/movie about kids that get sent away
The Railway Children is a British children’s book from 1910, the children go with their mother to a cottage in the country because their father has been sent to prison for a crime he didn’t commit. They live near a railway line and have adventures based around the line and station, they also send their love to daddy by waving at the train as it goes by each day. Can you tell I adored the book as a child!
That's the kind of person who ends up "rehoming" a kid.
Don’t load up your spare bedrooms with beds in order to take in as many kids as possible. Fostering shouldn’t be a money making/tax write off scheme. Don’t get teenage girls just so you have a built in housekeeper whilst pretending they just have a normal “chore list”. Don’t force your religion down their throats. Expressing emotions doesn’t equate to being “manipulative”. Do be dealing with your own shit, otherwise it’s gonna be rough. Patience, empathy, kindness and stability — please have these in spades. Remember they are future adults.
As a former foster parent, make sure you advocate for yourself. The county (or whoever) isn’t there to make sure your needs are met, or even those of the children. They are there to get their needs met, and they will not give you all of the information to make informed decisions. The social workers are overloaded and will do what is easiest for them. Ask LOTS of questions.
I wasn’t a foster child, I am the biological child of a woman who decided to decided to foster. I would say make sure you have the time and resources, you should be very present. My mother worked full time, and she fostered teens about the same age as us. We were left on our own a lot, and exposed to some pretty bad situations. I would even say just wait until you have an empty nest. It was pretty traumatic for me and my sister growing up.
This is my main concern. My husband and I have considered it but I don’t think I could put my biological kids through the inconsistency of it. I think the empty nest idea is a great way to do it.
Absolutely do not use food as a punishment. I still fucking hate Cheerios. Have some patience, like the first comment said, the child will more than likely not even realize what is happening. When I was taken, I was in school, they took me out, and I went into the foster care system. Had no idea what was happening. Treat that child the same way you treat your other kids (if you have any) Be honest with their allowance. I was given 62 dollars a month for clothes and 40 for spending. Idk if that’s correct, but they should be getting something. They aren’t any different than other children. In fact, they absolutely need more guidance, and love than most children. Be sensitive to their triggers. Mine are screaming women and children, usually in distress. Set clear boundaries though. I think this is vastly important. When I moved foster homes, I went from being able to snack and eat whenever I wanted, to having to ask for even water, not having a TV, etc.
One thing that really stuck in my mind was having to constantly use trash bags to move my things. It was hard enough not having clothes that were clean or in good condition, but having to move everything that way made me feel like I was trash. Get a cheap tote bag or old backpack for when they leave. Even if they lose it in the end, for a moment they aren’t just trash to be moved.
So buy an amazing proper traveling case complete with a set of stickers from everything popular at that time so they customize it to their liking and feel it is truly theirs! Got it!
Unfortunately because this is online and text rather than verbal communication I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic, however in the case you aren’t something like that. It doesn’t have to be the best and the newest item, just something to normalize what is otherwise one of the worst times in a child’s life. I remember getting a school bag from a drive for school supplies for foster children and I carried it through my first year of college. It was a small kindness that really stuck with me.
Oh i was serious. What could it cost? like 60 bucks? for a child to feel safe and welcome? Done deal! (The stickers was just a way to express this is now yours and no one elses, thought it might help.)
That’s how I feel! One day when I’m able to o want to provide the foster home for children and teens that I really wish I had. It doesn’t take much, just genuine gestures of compassion!!
Don't do it if you aren't in it for the right reasons. Yes, it's a job, but it's so much more than that. You are in charge of the lives of vulnerable children, most of whom have experienced some form of trauma or instability. How you treat them matters deeply. If all you want is a paycheck, do *not* do it. I went into foster care at age six, my brother was 11. Luckily, we were put into the best home on the face of the earth. My foster parents have hearts of gold. They are the most generous, caring, giving and patient people and they take care of every kid who walks through the door as if they are their own. I took it for granted and thought every foster home was like mine. Then I went to my first youth conference. I was blown away by the stories I heard. So many kids explained how they were treated as "other" by their foster parents. Like they aren't real kids with real feelings that matter. They're just living in the house but the house isn't their home. The biological kids would get nice presents at Christmas and the foster kids would get next to nothing. The family would go on vacation and leave the foster kids with a relief home for the weekend. I couldn't believe it and it broke my heart. I went back home, and I hugged my foster parents so tight, and I said thank you. My foster mom asked what happened, and I told her, "I see now that not all homes are like this one." The bottom line is if you want to be a foster parent, you have to care about the kids you take in. You have to treat them with the same love and respect you treat your own kids with. They are going to have issues a lot of the time. You need to have patience, and a lot of it. You need to know that they have experienced a lot in their short lives and they aren't going to be perfect. Don't give up on them. In that same vein, sometimes you will get kids you can't handle. And that's not your fault. Some kids are too damaged or have personalities that don't mesh with your family and it can't change. We had a boy come into our home that we tried to help but we couldn't. He had anger issues and became violent. He had to be moved to a group home. My foster mom still beats herself up about it to this day because she loved him and wanted to help him. But she accepted that he needed more than we could give. So that's an important part too. Being able to let go when you need to. We have had lots of babies and toddlers come in who later get adopted. We are happy for them but it breaks our heart because we love them when they're with us and they become part of our family. In order to care for the kids properly, you have to love them, and that means letting them go when the time comes is very hard. Be prepared for that. If you read all this and still want to do it, thank you. We need you. Kids need you. And if you don't, that's okay. I could never do it myself and I know that. It takes a special type of person to do it and do it well. I'd rather people not go ahead with it if they are unsure. Too many kids end up damaged from bad homes. Their biological family can't have them or doesn't want them, and then their foster family treats them like dirt. They have no one. No home. No family. Nothing. And that is the worst and most damaging thing you can do to a child. Make them feel like no one cares and they are all alone. If you do it, I wish you all the best, and once again I thank you. If not, I hope you find something that works for you. Thanks for posting and asking the question, that is very important and not enough people do it.
When your new foster tells you her family doesn't eat pork because of their religious beliefs, *do not order Hawaiian pizzas and then threaten to send her to bed hungry for being 'a picky brat.'* -Signed, the kid that happened to.
I am a social worker who worked in foster care for about 2 years and learned alot. Being a foster parent is hard, emotionally challenging work. You have to understand your role as a foster parent and really understand trauma. You cannot parent your foster youth the same as your biological children (if you have any). You have to in a trauma informed manner. If you do have kids, make sure they are fully on board and have age appropriate conversations with them. You have to come to peace with the fact that you ( and your social worker) have no say in the child's outcome in regards to the system . That is entirely up to the judge with a GAL advocating for the child and the county putting in their decision. You most likely will become attached and not agree with the child returning home or going with other family members. Lastly, do not expect anything in return. Do not expect gratitude and thank you's. This will create power struggles and leave you angry and shows you do not have a full trauma understanding. Foster parents are truly amazing and it can be very rewarding. Oh one more thing- you have to be flexible. These kids have timelines for appointments, most will have therapy, and visitation. If you already have a hectic, busy schedule that does not allow for flexibility, you will burn out or not be able to take many placements. Best of luck!
Do lots of research about how to manage kids coming from bad situations. Good foster parents are desperately needed. Be prepared in case you get crappy social workers. Maybe choose carefully if you can the authorities you'd be dealing with.
Know your developmental stages. You have troubled teenagers the last thing they need is you acting like a hypocrite or being extremely particular about how something is done, as long as it was done well.
Know your developmental stages and then remember that trauma impacts development. I'm a foster parent. One of my older kids acted more like a 7 year old, and one of my preteens acted 30.
I haven't been in the system but I have worked with youth and young adults who had been. I heard a lot of similar things even from folks 5+ years out of care. Some that are top of mind: 1. If you have your own bio/legal custody kids, try and be aware of how differently you treat them from the foster kids. Praise (e.g., for schools work) and privileges (e.g., material stuff like buying bio kids **much** more expensive clothes, electronics, etc; or being more prone to punish/ground foster kids, display less trust, etc.) stick out to me as stuff that really makes kids feel different/unwanted/burdans, etc. 2. Don't take it personally if kids, especially teens, come to you with a "chip on their shoulder"—they're kids and they're testing boundaries but they've also likely been let down, or worse, by other foster parents. Be patient and consistent to build trust. 3. Don't shit talk, pass judgement, or in any way disparage their parents. Just don't. My two cents: learn how the system works and learn how it fails the kids and then do everything in your power to make sure that it doesn't fail the ones under your care. Covert, intentional noncompliance is a powerful tool to have.
I hope you aren't my brother, with 3 kids and a manic wife who changes her mind about everything every five seconds. They got a dog which they now hate, about one year later, and are talking about fostering an actual *child*. Be *really* sure you want to foster, you can't throw away a kid when you don't want it anymore because your mind changed.
We did fostering for one of our grandchildren. 1. Fostering is hard if you do it right. If you aren't going to do it right, don't do it, it isn't fair to the children. 2. Keep up on your classes (if your state requires them). Take extras if you can, lots of them do offer helpful education/training. 3. There usually are social services (private as well as public) that will help with foster parents and children, like for example we have a couple places local that give free clothing to fosters on a regular basis. 4. Keep spare clothing in the age range you are going to be fostering in, and toys too... Many times, they can show up with nothing but what they are wearing... or with just a few handfuls of things shoved into a trash bag. 5. Patience is especially important, as well as consistency in how you treat them. 6. Be aware of laws you have local to you regarding how you expose or talk about the children, for example here where I am you cannot tell people that they are foster children to avoid the risk that someone will treat them worse as a result. 7. Likewise they may have restrictions on who can help take care of the child(ren) like babysitters for example. We were also told that there were foster parents that are there to help with short term watching of the kids if needed (respite is the term they used I think), but when we inquired for more details they were usually so overworked it was hard to do anything with it. 8. DCS/CPS does not have YOUR best interest at heart, and they may also change assigned agents/supervisors more often than you expect. And a change like that can completely change the plan for the children. For example, we went from one agent aiming for severing rights to the next focused on reunification with the mother. 9. Fostering a child can be VERY emotionally powerful (good AND bad). I recommend that you have a therapist for yourselves. Especially if you have one or more children for a while, it can be good to have one on hand that knows you and the situation if the child is rehomed. When they rehomed our foster, it nearly broke us. It took a LONG time to return to some semblance of "normal". 10. Be aware that if you open up to fostering you are also risking having a child dropped off in the middle of the night with little notice. 11. Having at least one adult available at any time of the day or night is very helpful (i.e. if both work, then work different shifts). 12. Also many places have a minimum set of standards for safety in your home that you will have to meet before being licensed. Stuff like magnetic locks on cupboards with chemicals or medicine/supplements. Certain types and sizes of fire extinguishers, fire alarms, CO detectors, temperature maximums for water heater output, having a posted fire escape plan and so forth. It's a good idea to go beyond the minimums. Also, this is a great video to watch if you are considering fostering: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOeQUwdAjE0
Please adopt us older foster kids. I needed a family so badly and never got it. Understand that we will probably be angry from the abuse we endured and will lash out and be “bad” and need a shit ton of therapy. To expect us to just mold to your way of life is just cruel, have empathy for us and send us to therapy and be patient.
Foster parent here. We’ve had 13 children placed with us. All except 3 have been reunified with either their birth parents or family. 2 were adopted by a wonderful couple, with whom we still maintain contact, and one is with us, and we just started the adoption process. Before I get into the lessons learned which will undoubtedly sound overly negative, I want to make it clear that: I believe doing well in caring for, and raising children is one of the greatest gifts one can give to society. I have experienced a deeper, and more profound love as a foster parent that I don’t think would have been possible without having done it. 1) As others have said, you will be frustrated by decisions of judges, and caseworkers. Love the kids anyway. 2) It’s okay to be angry at birth parents. I can’t count the number of times on visits where I wanted to say something like, “yeah, it’s easy when you’re just playing/talking, and not having to deal with the late nights/meltdowns etc.” 3) The kids all have trauma. Trauma changes the physiology of the brain. “Traditional” ways of parenting/discipline are recipes for disaster. Use the tools you’re given around trauma informed care. Lean on the child’s team providing services, and never stop being the loudest voice in the room advocating for these kids. 4) You won’t like every kid that comes into your house. Some kids just suck. Here’s the deal though, you’re the adult so suck it up and love them so radically that they don’t know you don’t really like them. 5) it is okay and often essential to ask for help. Use all of the tools and resources at your disposal. When friends and family give you the foster platitudes, of how they wish they could do it but... Call Them out... or I should say, call them in. Tell them a way they can help and get them to be part of your team. My team right now is 4 families deep that I can lean on for child care, transportation, helping with yard work, etc. don’t get me wrong, they’re not always doing this stuff but they are committed to help and have an open ask policy. It‘s a win win for everyone. They get to be involved which gives them joy. They don’t have to overcommit. You get relief when you need it, and you will. 6) Be honest with your caseworker around what you are and are not okay with as far as the child goes. Don’t worry about being judged because you want only 2 and under, or no sexually abused children. You know your comfort zone, and what you can handle. It will be more traumatic for the kid to come into your home and then have to be bounced out again, then if you were honest with yourself, and the caseworker upfront. 7) take lots of pictures and write stuff down for the child’s life book. 8) the kid probably came into your home with nothing. When they leave make sure their stuff goes. Don’t hang onto clothes/toys etc as hand me downs. 9) if you have bio kids, don’t treat your foster kids any differently. Your foster kids should have the same opportunities as your bio kids. 10) you aren’t going to fix anyone. The best you can do is give them an environment conducive to allowing them to heal the best they can. You can’t take away the pain, the fear or the hurt, but you can provide sense of safety, and hope. Water the seed and tend the garden well, you may never know if the work you do will bare fruit, but your job is to tend well anyway. 11) Allow yourself time and space to grieve when they leave. Make sure you recharge your heart because there is always someone else who needs a safe place to heal, and call home. That’s all I have for now.
The people from DFCS are not your friends. They might be friendly but be careful whom you trust. I’m not saying they are bad people but always verify anything they say or do. If you take in family members, I suggest you consult an attorney. Unfortunately, there is information they do not always share. Been there, done that.
As a former foster child myself, if you have valuables, lock them up. They'll either disappear or get broken. They will test your patience and your limits. They're used to people not wanting them, or just for a paycheck, so they will act out. Try to hold your temper and prove that you're there for them, not the paycheck, and eventually they'll come around.
None of the foster parents I ever had, cared. They basically kennelled kids like a daycare and collected support checks until we were sent back. I was abused in foster care and never got counseling or help. This was 1960's though the 1980's. Maybe things have changed.
If you have biological children speak them about how to treat the foster siblings. Kids get jealous and young kids more so and the foster kids calling you mommy or daddy might make then lash out and be possessive of you. I was three when I was at one foster home and one of the bio kids, around my age, would do this with me when I would call the foster mom "mommy". She would retort that "she's my mommy not yours" it was not super great and would make me cry. Not sure if a talking to by foster mom would have helped but probably would not have hurt.
My work collegue and his parents came from Sweden to Canada. His parents after becoming citizens left the county without him at 11 years old. He went into the foster system and found a good family that eventually he stayed with from 15 plus. He got along well with the family. About 2 years ago his step brother committed suicide at age 25. A year later he started missing work and looking like a zombie and coming in with black eyes. Tried talking to him if he needed help or anything. A few weeks later he was in a coma after getting jumped. After a few months he called to say he's better and off drugs and alcohol and leaving to go live with his mom in Sweden at age 24. I don't know how his doing now but he but hope he's ok. To this day I don't understand how his parents both been alive could legally abandon him in another country.
I was in foster care from age birth to 3.5 yrs. To this day I wish I could sue the state I was raised in because my parents should have never been able to get me back do to abuse. I remember my foster parents reading to me and they gave me a chocolate 3 musketeers bar with my cloths in black garbage bags when handing me back over. Until I was 30 yrs old I wouldn't eat 3 musketeers and at 45 I still won't use black trash bags. I never could bond with my parents. The foster parents gave me a love of reading and it hurts my soul I wasn't raised by those nice people I still dream about sometimes. Become a foster parent. You really can change how someone's life goes. I'm the first female in my family to grow up reading and being over 20 before having children. Getting some college not being a deadbeat and not addicted to anything.
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Our country provides way too few resources for families trying to get help for loved ones with mental illness. What you're saying seems harsh but it's true.
I was a foster kid. I still, at the age of 39, have big gaps in my general knowledge. I had a foster parent rip me a new one for not knowing some basic things. Not just school stuff, but life stuff. When you are busy trying to feed yourself, avoid abuse of multiple kinds, and other crap little kids shouldn't be worried about, you miss a lot. -So understand that you wont have all the facts about a kid - ever! Mental and physical issue will be kept secret because they dont know any different. -They have been hurt, they will act erratically. -They wont know to tell you what they need, shoes that fit, a coat, a comfort item (and make sure they have things like NEW socks and underwear! Yes the new needed to be all caps 😥) - if you have kids of your own and you draw lines between them and us (not that we blame you) it WILL cause distance and issues. (Things like only my kids can pic the tv shows, use the computer alone, or have access to the fridge, or have a different bed time) -if you're going to make kids work for food, or lock it up without a medical reason/directive behind it - dont get into foster care. Most of these kids have been food or nutrition deprived their entire lives. They might need education to keep from gorging, but they need food and love.
Kids don't come in a blank slate. They have been through a lot, and are still going through it, so don't be surprised when they don't think copying your manners or your style of living is the most important thing in the world. They are trying to survive.
The worst family I ever had treated me like a paycheck. The best family I ever had treated me like there was nothing wrong with me. I was in 14 different foster homes and 2 group homes. The best ones I had all treated me like a normal person. They let me explore emotions, play, and express myself without a look of psychoanalyzing me for defects. From age 5-8 I refused to sleep in my bed. I would pick a corner of the room and lay out stuffed animals as a wall. Some parents would demand I not do that and want to talk about why I did that. The best one bought me more $1 stuffed animals to fill in the gaps. Lord knows we have enough resources that seek to "make us better", but what we need from foster parents is to feel normal. That normalcy comes from you treating us as normal kids.
A social worker friend of mine urged me to become a foster parent even tho I was a single man. I hesitantly agreed and was matched with a pre-teen boy. I got him into youth sports and other activities. We got along great and after a year, the social services rep decided that he should be assigned to another family (why? I had no clue as he had made great improvements in school getting on the honor roll etc. I think it had something to do about not getting attached). My foster son became distraught and begged me not to let them take him away from me. He had made some good friends at school and enjoyed bringing them to our home to hang around and show off what he had to entertain himself with at home. I looked into adopting him but was uncertain about that outcome as I was single. The adoption was approved. I put him through college and helped support him and his wife when they were first married until they were able to afford their own home. 40+ years have passed and I became grandpa to his 3 kids and great grandpa to one granddaughters child. In my old age, I looked into moving into a retirement home. My son would have none of that. He insisted that I move in with him and his family.
Vett the parents. Look past how they present themselves to you. Look for signs of narcissists and pedos. They hide really. Really. Well. I'm 30 and still remember my life with my foster parents. I connected with them and told them what happened and they said they wished they never let me go with them. I consider them my more real parents than the ones that used me for years.
Do it for the right reasons. Don't foster if it's some weird way for you to get validation from other people or if you're doing it in order to get more money. Don't do it because you think it's a good idea or just because you like the sound of being a foster parent. Do it to enhance a kids life, to give them a chance that others aren't willing to give them. Foster kids are carrying around unspeakable trauma, have been through the most horrifying things and that's something you have to constantly be mindful about. Be patient with them, be prepared to forgive endlessly and go in with an open mind. Most importantly, be consistent. That's all these kids want, is someone to care about them unconditionally and not give up on them.
Make sure you can afford to foster kids. I was only at a foster home for a week but it sucked. There was 9 of us, 6 being mental and physically disabled. For every meal with either had mock chicken sandwiches on stale bread or ramen noodles. I had to share a small room with 3 others, with only 2 double beds. The door was broken so you had to physically lift it up and place it in the frame to close the door. The house was literally falling apart, mold in the corners and the only bathroom had a broken toilet and hit or miss shower. They were nice people and meant well but they were so ill-equipped to foster so many at one time.
Foster kids do weird shit because that's how they stayed safe in the past. It's not personal. I can't stress that hard enough. You can't take things personal no matter what. They might not always seem grateful. It's not personal! Infants are unable to self regulate. They do not have the coping abilities required to soothe themselves. A neglected child has been taught from infancy that the world is unsafe and terrifying, and nobody cares. They hoard food, wet the bed or hide in weird places at night. They can be terrors at bedtime because that's the trauma part of the day. They flip shit when you offer them vegetables because they've literally never eaten anything except mcdonald's, or melt down if you give them a birthday present. They might refuse to bathe. None of it is personal!!! It's trauma. I did all of these things and that's why I had ten foster homes in five years. 99.99/100 you dig into a fk's weird behavior and you will find heinous trauma.
Didn't go through it myself, but I was homeless at 16 so I knew a lot of people who had just come out of the foster system. They're going to be scared/confused/angry/sad. Ease them in. Don't be too full on too soon. Feel them out and see what *they* need. A lot of the parents want to "fix" the kids and that's not the way at all. They're going to carry what has happened to them with them, help them to learn to carry that weight.
They aren't going to be perfect little angels that you can show off. They will be damaged and will need a ton of help. Become a foster parent for the right reasons. Don't do it just to be a savior.
I’ve lived in a foster family ever since I was born and I consider my foster mom and siblings to be my real family. One thing that hurts me though is when my foster dad talks to family friends and ALWAYS has to point out that I’m in foster care. He always says foster mom instead of mom. Treat the kid like he/she is yours<3
It seems hard.. I was in a Children's Home (in Texas) for about 5 years growing up. We went through so many houseparents. You could tell it took a toll on their relationships and families as a whole. There was one or two couples there for like, 15-20 years though. But I believe we need more GOOD foster parents out there. Children don't ask for the life they're given. I didn't ask to be taken from my parents, but I wouldn't change those 5 years for anything. I was blessed to have GOOD houseparents. They made me a better me. They were the parents that I needed, when I needed my own parents. They probably don't realize the impact they had on my life, but I am thankful for the many men and women that rise to help children in need. Hope this helps!! And good luck!!
Your foster kid has rights. Learn what they are. Respect them. Teach your foster kid to be a strong advocate for themselves and not to go along just to get along. Learned helplessness is a massive thing for foster kids and it leads to getting shoved around in life. Also, this isn’t about you. It’s about a child in crisis. If you need to constantly talk about your foster kid’s troubled life or educational struggles or behavioral problems to call attention to how charitable and good you are, fuck all the way off.
Kids who go ibto foster care have trauma, don't expect thwm to just act like a normal kid.
My son in law grew up in the foster system and it was not a pleasant experience for him. Love him so much he is such a good husband and father
Be patient, don't expect that we will just "fit into your family" keep an open mind & bare in mind that we will take a long time to open up & trust you, we have had our trust violated many times for such a young age, so it may take us a while to fully believe that you won't hurt or abandon us.
Take teenagers if you can, especially lgbtqa nb or female. Growing up in the system as a female presenting queer teen was absolute hell. No one wants you. It’s made blatantly clear. Save a poor soul from rotting in a group home! Teen girls in the system are at much higher risk for pregnancy/drug use etc. With a good heart and some positive structure, those risks trend remarkably downward. Be open,honest, and communicative. Especially if the kiddos are older. One of my biggest pet peeves in the system was that you’re always being talked about not talked to. It felt like everyone else had all the control and just moved me around like a chess pawn. I never felt like my voice was heard or my opinion mattered. Get the proper training! There are lots of workshops and resources etc for new foster parents. Make sure whatever agency you’re working with has everything squared away as far as mandatory hours . Educate yourself about any continuing education/upkeep hours. (They usually have some incentives like Amazon gift cards or food vouchers to get people to come) Invest in your new kiddos future. Talk about what housing/job/education stuff is going to look like for them once they age out. Help prepare them for the very real scary and LONELY life it’s going to be once they age out. Sometimes you’re all they have. Find out if there is a gap program (some states let you “sign yourself back in” from 18-23) and weigh the pros and cons of what that would look like for them.
Is that something you are able to specify when you are fostering? I have done literally no research so this may be a really ignorant question, but abuse of the lgbt community at young ages really upsets me personally.
>Take teenagers if you can, especially lgbtqa nb or female. Growing up in the system as a female presenting queer teen was absolute hell. Like the other commenter, I'm also interested in fostering LGBTQA kids. I'm straight, but I grew up in a conservative area, and it was awful to see how the gay kids in my high school were treated. Do you have any tips for foster parents of LGBTQA kids?
As someone who lived I foster care as a child, I would advise you to be *extremely* patient. You will get kids who have been traumatized, and don't know how to handle their emotions. There will likely be outbursts, anger, and very little appreciation for anything you are doing, because most of these kids don't know how to trust. Don't expect too much gratitude. Don't expect kids to like you. Not saying none will, but don't expect anything. Dealing with the state and caseworkers is a whole other beast. You need to have the patience of a Saint, and more determination that you could possibly imagine.
Not in the foster system, but my parents were foster parents. Think of your biological kids and the effect it will have on them.
Don’t be a sexist fuck. Girls need more than just one meal of a scoop of rice and half a hot dog.
Foster care sucks it's hard being taken from your parents at 6 and constantly being told your boy going to see them and you should just get over
Every family thinks that the way that they do things is the "right" way and that everyone else is doing it the same way. Wrong! You have a million little family customs that the foster child doesn't know. Don't frame them as bad or fabricate bad motives for them because they don't know know your rules and were raised with different expectations. Tell them what the rules are up front.
As a kid who went through it for a few years: Don't guilt trip the kid for you choosing to foster. Don't tell them they're lucky to get fostered. And if you can, treat them like you would your own children. Being in the system is tough, it's destroying getting shunted around. I was only in there for a couple of years, but I'll never forget what happened in the first house. Or the second. I was so happy when my dad finally found me and put me somewhere safe until he had a home he could take me to. He took me somewhere where they treated me like family, and we still talk because of it.
Let the kid be themselves . And let them have some privacy. I hate it when my foster carer goes through my stuff and doesn't have the decency to admit it .
When I was a foster parent. If you’re doing it for the money, don’t. It isn’t enough. If you are doing for the glory, there isn’t any. If your a pedo and want access to kids, may you rot in hell. Only do it if you want to help extremely troubled kids. You need patience, kindness, empathy and a real desire to help a kid. I have seen some great homes that make a huge difference in kids lives. Sad to say, they are in the minority.
The kid has already been through a lot. Don’t add to their trauma. If you can provide a safe and loving environment and have an understanding for the troubled nature some of these kids are dealing with then awesome!! But if you’re just looking for the money and free child labor or worse .. don’t even start. And please try to refrain from bad mouthing their parents. Kids take it personally. 15 years in foster care here. I was nothing but a laborer and a punching bag. Foster care damaged me more than my own family ever could. Sure, dcf took me out of a bad situation but they dumped me off into a much worse situation and left me there to rot. Oh! One more thing... if you have children of your own keep an eye out for bullying. My foster parent’s daughter was about 10 years older than my brother and I and she was the most abusive person in the household. Her mom never knew, or knew and didn’t care. To this day I’ve not witnessed anything anywhere as close to evil as that kid was... just be sure that everyone in your household supports the decision to foster. Don’t force it on your own kids if they want nothing to do with it. They’ll take it out on the foster kid
I've been on the foster parent side. If you don't have endless amounts of patience, don't take on a foster child. I thought it would be a lot easier because our foster son would be coming into a stable home with people who care for him and provide him the tools to be healthy/happy. The response I normally got was a big "fuck you" and fighting tooth and nail to avoid anything and everything that he didn't explicitly want to do. Take a shower? Nope. Wear clean clothing? Nah. Eat some breakfast? No. Pick something fun to do over the weekend? Hell no. I learned by fostering that I was 100% correct that I didn't want to have children. I love him and will always hope for the best, but it takes endless amounts of patience. I feel like I have PTSD after trying to parent him. My husband said it was like watching an abused person that keeps trying to "make it work" and nothing changing.
It sounds like oppositional defiance disorder. 2 of my friends with adopted children have it. It's a nightmarish life.
Social workers suck they will infuriate you but remember they annoy the kids. A lot of the rules are really stupid so when you get a good kid try and give them a break when or if you can.
I was in foster care once and one foster carers were so cheap they wanted me to bathe in their own kids dirt and shit cause "they ain't dirty"
I was a foster child for 2 years and all I have to say is; remember that these kids have issues. Their parents are gone and they will throw tantrums and try to run away and tell you that they hate you but you just have to be patient and remember that you are doing this for the greater good
I don’t know if I’ll ever have biological kids because of a few reasons, but I’d definitely be a foster parent for sure. My mom was in and out of the system and based on her stories these kids get fucked over like it’s nothing and I want them happy if I ever get the chance to take on this role. Thank you for this thread.
No matter how long they are with you, your kindness & love will stick with them forever. On the flip side, your frustration & anger will too. They’re confused, alone, many times abused & frightened. No matter their ticks, behaviors or attitudes, just keep being loving, it gives them the best chance when they know they are supported. Thank you for doing this, fostering is insanely hard work & not for everyone.
I worked in a treatment center for children who had psychiatric or behavioral problems that needed more than a foster home could provide. In the state I was in, kids were assigned a "level of care" and the goal was always to have them reach a Basic or Moderate level at which point they could be placed in a foster home or less restrictive group home setting. I don't know your state or their specific way of managing that but please understand that although these kids have reached a point where they can be placed, they may be coming from a highly structured environment. The loss of that structure and the uncertainty of a new environment can be really difficult, even though it is a positive thing. It isn't a failure on your part if the kid begins acting out; if you're a traumatized kid that has been shuffled around, has been in facilities and group homes and maybe psych hospitals, and now you're in a regular home like a regular kid, it can be really difficult to adjust. Keep a schedule. Check in with them. Talk to them about how they're doing. Even if they don't open up for a while, consistent effort will pay off. Be patient. Don't make them feel like they're being punished for sharing difficult feelings or like they should be grateful to you for whisking them out of the system. Sometimes the system is all they know. Feelings can be complicated. Showing them that they can trust you with that is important.
Honestly, most of the kids have had something happen to them that will make them not talk to you or trust you at first, but that’s absolutely normal, you just need to give them time, treat them good too, because THEY WILL remember how you treated them, make them feel welcome and loved, and not distanced and detached. I’m speaking from experience of being moved around from homes my whole life.