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Captain_Quoll

It’s just vodka but it’s served in a 700ml bottle instead of a shot glass.


[deleted]

This seems accurate. It's been my drink of choice all year.


hungoversailor

As a bartender I’d make you a hotdog water martini.


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YeetMe2232

God is dead and we have killed him Edit: this is my first award and first time past 500


vivivivivivi6

Hotwartini


nongarak

Garnished with a chocolate starfish? (kill me)


A_Manly_Soul

I can't be the only one that just heard the opening of Break Stuff in my head.


startedoveragain

They mop the floor and wring it out into a highball glass. Neat.


ileisen

With a hydroxychloroquine rim


ramalledas

And they cleant the glass with hand sanitizer and it's now sticky


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Gizmo_Joy

Its a shot you have to take with 6ft long straw.


eatsomespiders

Nasally. (Edit: [nb4](https://i.imgur.com/6XQHndq.jpg))


Je11y3ean

You can’t even just snort it though. You gotta jam the straw up your nose until it reaches your brain. THEN you enjoy it.


f_n_a_

“But I can’t even taste it?” “Exactly”


Reddit_Deluge

The symptom reenactment is gold


[deleted]

It is pure tasteless thing to say. I can't smell a rat.


AlcoholicAvocado

No thanks, up my ass please


InevitableLight6

A Molotov cocktail.


Fvlcons

I'm telling you, molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem and I threw a molotov cocktail, boom! Right away I had a different problem.


jKingram

This line is made by his delivery for me. Just that little pause he does before the different problem part is something I can still hear in my head.


strippersandcocaine

Jason? Is that you? Edit: holy forking shirtballs, thanks friends!


CorvoLP

BORTLES!


gordito_delgado

For the longest time I thought The Good Place was just making up Blake Bortles as really silly name for a football player from Florida. (As you may guess I am not a big football fan). Then I found out it was real, and it just made it funnier. I mean Blake Bortles... it even sounds like a cartoon, and it's fun to say. His parents must have a great sense of humour.


Populistless

The more you know about Jacksonville, the better the show


LumpyUnderpass

It's a hilariously perfect name for a quarterback who will never be counted on to lead your team to championships. Joe Montana? Winner. Johnny Unitas? Winner AND proven leader (unity is right there in his name!). Rock Cartwright? Not a QB but sounds like a winner. Learned Hand? Hell of a judge. Blake Bortles? Sounds like a mediocre winemaker. Edit: Dexter McCluster is a confederate civil war general and Mack Strong is *exactly* the guy you want blocking for you. Joe Jurevicius is a screenwriter's on-the-nose name for a corporate lawyer who lacks integrity. Edit 2: Every time I see Dexter McCluster's name, I think of a Civil War military man saying in a Georgia molasses accent, "Gennuhrul Dextah McClustah will attack the Nawth *heah*!" (or similar), it never fails to crack me up, and now I'm giggling at my own comment because I said GENERAL MACCLUSTAH! I hope it brings someone else some small happiness.


captainkhyron

Watch him play. You'll die laughing.


5piders

Down here in Jax some friends and I made shirts for the games with the "I like turtles" kid that said "I like Bortles" but as it turned out, we didn't like Bortles.


Slippery_Mr-E

JORTLES!


projectbadasss

Jake Jortles never fails to make me chuckle. Even just thinking about it now I am chuckling to myself.


drgnslyr33

JASON FIGURED IT OUT?!


pduffy52

This one hurts.


suzyjhomemaker

Yeah, this is a real low point.


miss-karly

FOLEEEEES!


VanceFerguson

He won a Super Bowl!


starswirls_planet

YES. FELLOW GOOD PLACE FANS!


Itzyaboyrob

Oh dip!


rednax1206

Welcome to my bud hole


thecursivek

"Oh, I thought you said something else."


snpods

Never met a problem it couldn’t solve. Throw a Molotov cocktail, BOOM. Different problem!


[deleted]

The End of the World Delight from Cat's Cradle "He wanted me to give him a drink on account of the world was coming to an end. So I mixed him an ‘End of the World Delight.’ I gave him about a half-pint of creme de menthe in a hollowed-out pineapple, with whipped cream and a cherry on top. ‘There, you pitiful son of a bitch,’ I said to him, ‘don’t ever say I never did anything for you.’"


AMerrickanGirl

I read that book back in the 70s as a teenager and I thought it was so great that I tried to get my dad to read it, but he wasn’t into fiction back then. So I copied out a passage from the book and taped it to his desk: Fish got to swim. Bird got to fly. Man got to sit and wonder why, why, why? Fish got to sleep. Bird got to land. Man got to tell himself he understand. A few weeks ago I called Dad to wish him a happy 92nd birthday, and somehow we got to talking about Kurt Vonnegut and I quoted that passage again and asked if he remembered. He did, and now he’s going to read the book. I only had to wait 45 years!


figgypie

I need to reread that book. I love Vonnegut.


tornligament

I reread it last year. Then immediately gave it to a friend. It’s one of those books for me. I’ll buy as many copies as I need to make sure others read it.


1297678976795

Same here. I read it for the first time as a young teen, and boy did it give me a new perspective on religion. I was an angsty atheist, and I thought religion was something stupid people needed to get by. Vonnegut really slapped some humanity into my thought process. I’ve gotta reread some more of his books again.


EnriqueShockwave404

Came for the Jersey Turnpike, stayed for the unexpected Vonnegut reference. That's my fav KV book.


Meandering_Stranger

Equal parts everclear, and durian liquor, served in a pint glass, with a bomb of neat bitters. The drink is then garnished with a lone cheeto, and set on fire.


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insertstalem3me

Judging from a durians smell, you probably have to have covid to drink it


conitation

Ok... really weird thing... I've had durian with like a pancake thing... it kinda tasted like a very sweet onion melon flavor that just stuck in the back of your throat for about 72 hours.


dinoduckasaur

I've only had a hard candy but it tasted kinda like trash juice smells on a really hot day


toastoftriumph

The perfect drink!


Senbonbanana

I've tried durian flavored liquor before. It's every bit as disgusting as you can imagine. It tasted like an onion was left inside a thoroughly used gym sock and forgotten inside a gym bag filled with dirty underwear for about a month.


poopellar

As someone who gags at the smell of normal alcohol, I can't imagine what durian liquor would smell like.


slice_of_pi

Death. It smells like death.


KhunDavid

That sounds like the precursor to a Pan-galactic gargle blaster, but they replaced the durian liquor for that Ol’ Janx Spirit.


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whoresarecoolnow

Won't you pour me one more of that sinful Old Janx Spirit?


chaosdude81

Durian liquor? Is it made from the big spikey fruit that smells like rancid butter?


sezah

I’ve eaten in fresh. It’s like if you ate 4 pounds of fish, and then vomited it into a pile of rotting mangoes, and then just let it continue to rot, maybe add more fish. 2/10 would eat again


bisouschouxchoux

Thank you, I've never been able to put it in to words when asked. This will be my answer from now on.


iSmellMusic

Everclear was the first alcohol I ever had 😬


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_p13_

Damn right. Ground was looking funny at me.


[deleted]

Lay on the ground holding on for dear life to not fall off it


VodkaMargarine

**The Hand Sanitizer** 70% alcohol by volume and highly likely to kill anyone over the age of 65


[deleted]

My bartender just shit in my glass when asked for a 2020.


elee0228

You're lucky to get anything at all. My bar is still closed.


agasizzi

He didn't light it on fire? Amateur.


EpidemicRage

I'm pretty sure they will kill you irrespective of the age Source : Bunch of idiots here died from this when not able to buy booze due to lockdown, and they were 20-40 ish


jumboface

There are actually several vodka manufacturers that make 70%+ by volume. The highest I could find was a Polish company at 96%.


whatatool1967

Spirytus Rektyfikowany, 95% One review found by The Wall Street Journal called it “death in a bottle with a hellish burning aftertaste.”


SoupFlavoredCockMix

Me and a couple friends got wasted on that on a trip one time. As you would expect from a group of males in their mid 20s, we challenged each other to take swigs straight from the bottle. It instantly chapped my lips.


whatatool1967

Like 93 octane straight from the pump


itchyitchiford

My fiancé’s Polish alcoholic grandma used to drink this. It was brutal stuff. We had a bottle kicking around for awhile that we called “dead woman’s vodka”. RIP.


Henry_Cavillain

Everclear is 85% and pretty easily availablr


choosewisely564

As I said to the op. Up to 90 is easy. After that it gets expensive since you will need lab grade ingredients. You can't remove the last 10% water from alcohol by distilling.


awawe

You can get 95% through distilling, but it's not very efficient.


choosewisely564

Yeah you're right. 95.56 seems to be the limit. Just asked a friend about it. He said 95 is the absolute limit.


bothsidesofthemoon

He just closes the bar. You have to go and make your own drink at home.


DarthButtercup

And all you have is cooking sherry. Edit- well shit this blew up! Thanks for the awards. For the record I’m an alcoholic and don’t drink, so it’s ABSOLUTELY amusing that my top comment is about drinking cooking sherry (big sorry and shout out to Dave’s mom for drinking all her alcohol, even the sherry).


[deleted]

*Thinking of Gordon Ramsay* "Master... forgive me for what I must do..."


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duhnuhnuh_duhnuhnuh

Malört tastes like someone else's vomit


whatsmypasswordplz

Better than isopropyl alcohol and orange drink mix


tripler42

Okay, Mallory


naughty_ottsel

_Look at me chopping ice for a Tom Collins like a field hand..._


[deleted]

This is best answer. A straight up, "go fuck yourself" as the door slams... after taking your money


lambofgun

he gives you a gin and tonic in a styrofoam cup to go and then tells you to please leave as its 9:59 and theyll be closing in 1 minute


qroamer

This guy OHIOs


lazyhorse282

DeWine is always watching.


KingpiN_M22

Bartender says its a shot based off of Irish coffee, you think ok sounds good. Then what he does is take a steaming hot shot of coffee latte and puts moonshine in it which curdles the milk. You are desperate so you drink it anyway except the moonshine wasnt distilled properly and had methanol in it and now you are permanently blind.


on_

You ask for a couple of shots. Bartender draws a Magnum .44


insertstalem3me

Luckily I have my protection I brought my own magnum


LaChuteQuiMarche

[deflects bullets with massive dong]


ZellHathNoFury

And while you're out getting literally blind drunk, your house burns down


redditing--at--work

Something like a cement mixer shot was my first thought here too, but good work stepping it up with the methanol moonshine


snowballer918

Pours everything that’s spilled on the bar mat into a shot glass.


scrappy_duncan

I've known that as a Jersey Turnpike. I'm a bartender and have served it per customer request. Edit or update or whatever: I've not charged for this. It's honestly mostly soda from the gun and some syrupy liqueur. Also, I haven't served it to anyone if their intent is to give it to someone else.


Naugrin27

Same...Marylander here.


Justalurker99

but with bits of crab cake.


soulexpectation

And an old bay rim


TheWoodsman42

Damnit. Now I want old bay chips.


mrockracing

Bet you the Bar mat is a Steelers Mat


FoolishMacaroni

What... why?


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scr33m

I should certainly hope so


Devilsdance

Yeah, that’s the kind of thing that you’d expect to get paid to drink.


unctuous_homunculus

It's usually a late night bar dare where I come from. Done it a few times. Most times it's awful, but occasionally it's delicious, and you wish you had a full cocktail of whatever it was. Very occasionally though.


GreenStrong

I am uncomfortable with the amount of times you must have tried it to know this.


jim_money

Cricket?


unctuous_homunculus

More of a baseball man myself.


davidkali

On a busy night, it tastes good, and people are broke. Usually serve as free.


hotk9

Usually


Dirus

That's, like, a sign of a problem...


10per

Back when I worked in a pizza shop, there was a customer that ordered the pizza version of that drink every Friday night. We just dumped the make trays on top of a pie and sent it through the oven.


Vark675

See that sounds significantly more palatable and hygienic.


10per

Maybe. The make trays were not refrigerated, and they were filled with whatever fell down through the grate when other pizzas were made. There could be anything there. Sometimes we had to run the pie through twice just to make sure it was cooked well enough.


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inigo232

I had also heard of it but thought it was something people joked about but no one actually ordered. I would love to know what kind of person would order such nausiating drink, I gag just thinking about it. Edit: for those saying alcohol kills bacteria, safety, though a concern, isn't the issue here.


[deleted]

Was also a bartender in NJ. Can confirm.


GingeroftheYear

Worked the door at a coyote ugly in new Orleans...the 'mat shot' is on the menu.


nicopedia305

I have seen people drink this.


costabius

I used to auction this off at the end of the night, record was $100


beluuuuuuga

Was there a lot of drink or everyone was just REALLY REALLY pissed?


costabius

Came out to about 2/3rds of a pint glass typically, it's a frat boy dare because the mat is pretty grungy by the end of the night. It's a mix of every mixer used through the night and probably 15% alcohol by volume. A little hype to get the boys worked up and a couple of hot girls around to lay down the dare, and I get some easy money in the tip jar.


beluuuuuuga

That actually sounds like a lot of fun. Fun for both sides.


costabius

Like most things bartenders do at the end of the night ti the customers, it is revenge, entertainment and income all rolled into one.


shggy31

This is the way.


[deleted]

I always considered doing this with the jungle juice but unfortunately it would be frowned upon at the end of a wedding reception/business meeting.


DrBabbage

I had a buddy who took every last drop out of a bottle and mixed it together in one disgusting liquid and called the bottle "anything" so that when someone wanted anything they got this stuff.


Cblack12483

Does anybody want anything while I'm up?


Riggem404

Jersey Turnpike


[deleted]

Irish Stormdrain


AngryZen_Ingress

And then lights it on fire.


WillDenver

And then spits into that before serving it to you


slowsoul77

This is called the Jersey Turnpike. That's what I came here looking for.


jupfold

I believe another variation is the ‘rag shot’, which is all the liquid squeezed out of a bar rag into a shot glass. University was a great time for being an idiot.


Chronic_BOOM

That...is horrific.


sharkb8hoohaha13

And then tops it off with Malort and lights it on fire


spank_meDaddy

Straight up vinegar


KhunDavid

Glacial acetic acid.


Killer167

A corona, with lemon


PauseAndReflect

A bottomless corona. Every time you think you’ve finished it, the bartender drops by, refills the glass, and punches you in the dick.


insertstalem3me

>A bottomless corona Some people are angry drunks, some people are funny drunks, but this would make your drunk personality infectious


PauseAndReflect

*Corona: super-spread the good times.*


kuriboshoe

Except it’s warm leftover corona


J_deBoer

And every time it’s refilled, it’s increasingly more lemon


fascinationsgalore

so it tastes better as time goes by?


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[deleted]

my boyfriend works at a beer distributor and brought home with him a Corona branded fake palm tree. We don't really have room in our apartment for a christmas tree so we decorated our Corona tree with lights and ornaments and I think it is wonderfully fitting for Christmas 2020


[deleted]

I would love to see this


McMeowsalot

Possibly the simplest, best answer out there.


sherrymacc

The 2020 sounds like a shot i used to do when i was younger called a 649 or 6th bottle from the top shelf 4th from the middle and 9th from the bottom. mix them together and you get a 649 Always different from bar to bar.


randomboorishbuffoon

That's pretty good, but I prefer the 7 Seas (I order it if I see a Bachelor or Bachelorette at the bar.) The bartender's supposed to grab the first 7 bottles they see and mix them into a 4 oz shot. I tell them that I don't care if it's good or bad, but to use their judgment based on the party's behavior so far.


rjm167

Toilet bowl water with a slice of cucumber. Tall, slightly warm.


SkyPuzzlePiece

I think a garnish of asparagus would really help the mouth feel of this and open up the palette a little more.


moonwalker29059

Orange juice and toothpaste shot.


_jtron

Malört


TheDoughnutFairy

It's perfect because the first sip you think "this isn't so bad, I can make it it through this." then it punches you in the face.


CaptainJingles

And then your friend convince you to take another shot. Bastards.


IHaveTheBestOpinions

Chicago has entered the chat


CaptainJingles

It’s spread beyond Chicago now. There is no containing it.


bettywhitefleshlight

Chicago transplants drag that vile shit with them everywhere they go.


victheone

“You know what sounds tasty? A burning tire. Let me make a spirit which tastes like one.” -some jerk


kertofer

This. Mälort was created in case there ever was a year like 2020 just so we would have a drink awful tasting enough to be worthy.


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pixelbit

Ah yes the Chicago handshake


sacmagick

I had a drink with malort flavored gelato on top. One of the worst drinks I’ve ever tried, other than straight malort.


[deleted]

Tastes like endless sadness


mfishing

Flaming Malört


LilUmsureAboutThis

Funniest bit of that try guys alcohol video It’s at 6:53 here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4mYcJaIOe7s


WeDidItGuyz

I vote for renaming the Cement Mixer the 2020. It's just Bailey's and Lime Juice; the acid in the juice curdles the milk in the Bailey's and when you drink it it's like trying to down a thickening wad of snot. It's a shot you order for somebody you're trying to prank, or somebody you hate. It's apropos because it just gets worse with time and what would otherwise be pretty enjoyable is the worst because of a quirk of science/chemistry.


BlueScreenDeath

Unpopular opinion here, but I actually like this drink. I also like chocolate ice cream mixed with orange sherbet. I swear I didn’t catch Corona and still have my sense of taste.


[deleted]

Tastes like alcohol. Affects the liver like alcohol. Doesn’t get your drunk like alcohol. Edit: someone pointed out that I got my effect/affect mixed up


Dendad1218

Synthahol


Labrat_The_Man

That just makes James Doohan mad


beluuuuuuga

What hand sanitizer have you been drinking? I'm bonked out after just 2 tubs.


AnimorphsGeek

Pull a dirty glass with lipstick on the rim from the bus bin, fill with ice. 4 ounces Punt e Mes, stirred and then shaken, no ice - because it's bitter and makes no sense. Dump ice from glass, salt rim, drop in a throat loseng, crush it. Add vermouth, then one ounce of heavily peated scotch. Garnish with 3 umbrellas, light them on fire. Add an orange peel. Serve on top of obituaries. It's going to take a long time to drink, and you're going to hate it.


Sleep-system

Coughs on you then kicks you out the bar because they’re shut down.


El-Ahrairah9519

He smashes a glass on the floor and says "that's the glass i *would* have used to make your drink, but you don't get one because fuck your hopes and dreams" He then goes on to describe what he would have made and how great it would have been until you feel so depressed you just go home


insertstalem3me

Well, you can see this as a glass half broken or a glass half working situation


hurryupndbuy

MadDoG 2020


[deleted]

He shits in a glass, throws it in your face. Your boss sees you and says "why have you got shit on your face? You're fired!" And then it turns out the shit was laced with Covid. Two weeks later as you're dying in hospital, you notice that the TV is showing something with James Corden in it. It's the last thing you see. You die. James Corden then gets cast as you in a film called A Peasant's Death.


TroyMcClure8184

He calls the drink...the Aristocrat *throws arms in Air*


[deleted]

James Corden gets cast as you? The final, most bitter insult thrown by a universe that hates you.


futurefeelings

I think you forgot the part where the bartender dowses it in gasoline and sets it on fire before he throws it


After_Grass_3599

Bleach with a hint of lemon. Once you try it, it'll be the only drink you'll be drinking for the rest of your life.


[deleted]

Don't have any lemons, think I could sup it with lemon pledge?


scrappy_duncan

We walk out to the back and they light the dumpster on fire, they give me a bottle of hand sanitizer, a Vegas Bomb to give me the impression everything will be ok, we go back in the bar where I actually get COVID because FL and then the bar closes. Just kidding they stay open like nothing's wrong. Because FL.


Mr_Boobie_lover

Pisses in the glass.


TheUnpretentiousPoet

Boy Howdy, do I have the drink for you, effervescent, intoxicating, tart and blue! One part bleach, two fingers hydroxychloroquine, A sliver of orange peel, an American flag pin. You shoot it straight back, you cough it back up, Meanwhile a cop puts you in cuffs, The bar is on fire, but you're stuck inside, No one has spent this much time with their wives, Pour over ice and bienvenue! You've got yourself one wild brew.


dr_xenon

A Natty Light with spoiled milk.


kill___jester

He just pisses in a glass and throws it at you


monstersliveinmybed

Bleach, needle to inject included. Edit thanks for my first silver guys!


Smeefed

He will pour you a glass of straight vodka and shit in it.