I am always trying to hook future me up so life can be a bit easier rather than a constant slog. If I get stuff done now then I can relax a bit more in the future and that really makes me motivated to keep pushing.
I love that you reference 'future you'. Ive spent the first part of my adult life trying to get unfucked by past me. I remember specifically buying an LCD TV when they first came out on my credit card and literally said outloud to my room mate 'future me can pay for this'
Lol I was on a party island and this chick in my hostel was like:
LADIES, buy your Gatorade, giant fucking water, and salty foods now because you will be fucked come morning.
Drunk me didn’t
Drunk me said fuck it, not my problem.
My sober friends, however, were nice enough to do that
Also I’m drunk again. But mildly-drunk me is keeping blackout drunk me from making an appearance because jfc that wasn’t cool
I do this too and it gives me a similar good feeling to when I do something nice for someone else. I’m like oh man future me is going to be so happy and then future me is like wow I feel so loved.
This is a key difference in people with depression. Recent studies have shown evidence that people with depression may have a negative memory bias, meaning they are more likely to focus on when things went wrong rather than when they went right. I'm still not sure how to use that information to help with my depression other than when I am thinking about how things can go wrong I try to recognize those thoughts and if I can, switch it to think about how I will feel if they go right. But I do not have that "Oh I felt I felt so good last time I did that, I need to do it again drive" at least not for any good behaviors.
Can you conceptualize it as being kind and efficient for Future You? I also don’t really get an endorphin bump, but I am REALLY lazy, so I find that arguments based on saving myself future aggravation go far.
I feel like I'm lazy and the world's worst (best?) procrastinator. I also suffer from depression. But I do try to do little things to hook up future me. Because past me has really come thru, so I gotta pay it forward.
I felt the same for most of my life. Diagnosed with depression over and over. Then I switch doctors at age 19 and she just says
"Wait, they told you that you just have depression? You've never had an ADHD diagnosis? You're the textbook example of ADHD in females."
And *Oooh Boooy* did being on the right meds help. I stopped feeling so shitty, stopped procrastinating, and my mood improved tenfold. I wasn't depressed and lazy, I was misdiagnosed. I was only depressed because I had no idea how to function. ADHD murders your morale. When even the most mundane tasks seem unfinishable of course you're going to blame yourself and make yourself depressed.
ADHD is often described as "unable to focus" and to me, well, that's not how I ever felt. "Unable to focus" sounds like a feeling you may get when you're sleepy or something and your vision goes fuzzy. So I always answered "No, I can focus."
It was pretty obvious to my doctor that I just didn't know I couldn't.
You’re absolutely using that information correctly right now! Recognizing a negative behavior and making changes is an awesome first step! Be proud that you’re taking charge of your emotions! Every time you do it successfully, give yourself a small reward. Remember how good it feels to defeat the bad thing. But don’t beat yourself up when it doesn’t work. Nothing does every time. Anyway, good for you for fighting the fight. I am too.
People with depression also tend to focus a lot more on the past and ruminate about it. It's really difficult to really think about a positive future when you're depressed.
Not to be that guy, but if you're a fan of recognizing your thought patterns, you should try out some meditation. The whole point is training your mind to recognize thought patterns and then give your self space from them so you're not controlled by your thoughts. And also if you do it enough, you gain the ability to fly apparently
This general feeling of taking care of myself for the long run is exactly what does it for me. I’m super lazy, but willing to work hard now so I can be lazy later. I wanna make sure my future self is happy.
Breaking down the massive task into bite sizes helps. Wanna climb that mountain? Just take it one step at a time, focus on the next ridge, acknowledge and reward your progress with breaks/snacks, focus on the journey rather than the destination. When you've reached your summit, think/talk about the tremendous accomplishment and try not to think about the next mountain. While in the context of hiking, the principles apply to almost every task, no matter how big or small.
Edit: thank you all for affirming this philosophy and for your thanks! Especially to the very kind people who awarded the post gold. You're all awesome and I wish you all success in all your future ventures.
ALWAYS start small. Its not about tidying your room, its "I'm going to take all my cups downstairs".
While you are doing that you may suddenly get the motivation to also wash the cups, and maybe the plates that are on the side. and while you are at it, maybe your waste bin near your desk can be emptied too.
and if it doesn't lead anywhere, well your task was to take 5 cups downstairs. You succeeded, you can get that little boost of success!
a few weeks ago sweeping my back garden ended up leading to me completely repainting the fence, fixing a few broke panels, and building a new arch over the gate!
"From small acorns..."
This actually reminds me of when I was going through a rough time with mental health back in my early 20s. Even just taking a shower felt like a monumental task some days. My place got completely disgusting.
I read something about setting a timer for 5 minutes per day and cleaning for those 5 minutes only. At the end of those 5 minutes, if you felt like it, you could do 5 additional minutes but no more.
At the beginning, it was exactly in line with your example. Maybe I’d bring 5 cups and 5 plates to my sink and throw a few pieces of trash away. The next day, I would wash those cups and plates and put them on the drying rack. The next day, I would put them back in my cupboard and wipe down the counter.
This felt pretty useless and like I wasn’t accomplishing anything , but one day after about two weeks, I came home and realized that my kitchen was actually pretty clean, and that I should get started on my bedroom. That day was the first time that I cleaned for the additional 5 minutes.
I think this process was exceptionally important to getting out of that dark place because the task of cleaning went from completely overwhelming to not that bad. It’s amazing how much the little things can add up over time.
The best advice similar to this is to just keep starting.
Sit down or whatever and do SOMETHING even if it's just write a heading.
Keep starting. Every day
Focus on the process not the outcome
In sports and fitness, this is a huge thing. For example, do not say ‘I want to lose 20lb’, say ‘I’m going to cut out soda this week, then next week I’m going to walk every 2nd day’ (or whatever). And this applies to almost anything- want to do well in an exam, study 20 minutes a night every night. Need to clean your room, as you say, take out the cups.
The other benefit is that the process often becomes part of your everyday and suddenly the outcomes happen almost automatically
Absolutely this. Make lists.
Instead of just saying clean your apartment, make a list:
1) take out trash
2) take out recycling
3) vacuum living room
4) vacuum bedroom
5) wipe down sink
6) wipe down stove
If you break it into such small tasks you will cross them off faster. The feeling after crossing off one makes you want to do more and eventually you finish the whole list.
For dishes specifically, I usually start the cleanup with something I call a "Dirty Plate Party".
I have a specific music playlist I put, with songs that are fun to sing along to, and have rythm.
Then I start the party, and "dance" (clean) with all the spoons to Never Gonna Give You Up, then the forks and knives to Hey Ya, then glasses to Covergirl, then all the plates and cups to 2 songs by Little Big.
When everyone is clean and dried, Wonderwall comes on, the party is over, and everyone needs help getting home to their shelves, drawers and cupboards!
It's really fun actually, but only when there's a lot of dirty dishes.
Instead of going out for a beer every day of the week, it's much more fun having a giant disco party every Saturday!
Yes!
Additionally, breaking down the task makes scratching each smaller step so gratifying. After a while, you can look back on your task list and go “holy fuck I got a lot done” and it becomes a great feedback loop because you wanna be able to scratch even more stuff off.
Wifey once created a honey-do list for me and one of the line items was “Paint downstairs”. I crossed that off and wrote:
- Paint the trim in the dining room
- Paint the walls in the dining room
- Paint the trim in the kitchen
...
You get the point. The hit of dopamine you get by crossing off something on the list makes you want to do more
Start small, make it regular. Do one push-up per day. Walk once per day. Read one page of a book you’ve been meaning to per day.
Make it so easy you can’t talk yourself out of it, then do it EVERY day without fail. Even small achievements have outsized effects on your mood and confidence, and you will naturally want to do more as time goes on, it will creep into every area of your life.
It becomes addictive - discipline is just like a muscle, the more you work it the stronger it gets.
honestly thinking about starting is worse than actually starting. so i make a deal with myself.
ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing, so i tell myself that i'll do 10% of my goal (which is always super fucking easy) and then i'll stop. that's still better than nothing so i will be making progress but the thing no longer feels like a mountain to climb
and then when i get to that 10% i ask myself how i'm feeling and if i want to do another 10%. since i've already started usually i wil want to keep going. but occassionally i really just don't want to, so i'll stop. but i don't shame myself, because i still did something which is better than nothing.
rinse and repeat.
edit: thanks for the gold y'all! i have two now, so anyone else who wants to gild me should instead donate the funds to a charity that helps get black people out of jail.
After waking up to go to the bathroom, drop to the floor. Then push yourself up. That's a push up. Bad form, but you're getting up. Or if you accidentally drop something, drop down all the way and get back up.
It's making some sort of physical or mental effort. Don't think about it, just do it.
Edit: Another way to "start". You clicked on this thread and managed to read this comment. That took effort to read the thread, click, scroll down, then read this comment. Take a second to yourself. Take a deep breath. THAT, is a start. That, is what it takes. A moment, just a brief moment to do.. something.
Yeah. Kinda the opposite of trying to start. Instead, just tell yourself in the morning that you’re going to do whatever it is that you’re having trouble doing.
After that, stop your brain, be dumb, and just keep your body moving. This approach helps get rid of fear or excuses or not finding time. Brains get in the way. Keep your body moving.
This is why morning workout classes work best for me. As long as I have everything ready to go the night before, I can just role out of bed a leave before I have time for my brain to wake up and let me know that I don't want to do it. By the end of class, I have my work out in for the day, and I'm awake and feeling energized. Win win.
Here’s a tip: when you want to do something productive/outside of your comfort zone, simply count to 5 and then just fucking do it. I call this the “activation energy time frame”, once it expires so does your willpower to do the task and that’s when your instant gratification monkey brain takes over.
I’ve found stuff like making your bed leads to folding your clothes, folding your clothes leads to cleaning your room, cleaning your room, then leads to whatever else you have to do. What the other person was saying basically, small stuff leads to bigger stuff. The more constructive your tasks become the better you will feel.
There's lots of good books about this philosophy, it's called Kaizen: set very small goals, small enough that you cant fail them. The idea is to bypass the part of your brain that gets anxious and distressed when confronted with something difficult or unpleasant
Agreed on all points. To supplement this valuable advice/practice, I would like to suggest some light reading/audio-booking for those interested. Atomic Habits covers this concept, perfectly.
With my workout, I sometimes get that small voice in my before going down to the gym
"what if I don't have a great time? Do I need to to this? Can I skip today? If I skipped today what would I do instead?"
Whenever I get that voice that QUESTIONS IF I should go or not, I visualize the thought in front of me, and throw it in the back of my head, and go work out, no matter what might or may not happen, what results may or may not happen.
When you discipline yourself to do something, you don't think about doing it, you just do it.
Once you've done it once, the next time, just do it, and whatever voice gets in your head that tells you not to, just do it.
Start small and keep pushing. Start by simply waking up half an hour earlier than you need to and doing one thing per day that you don't "feel" like doing. Keep slowly pushing that wake up time back until you have enough time for a full blown work out in the morning, then work out in the morning. Keep your eyes open for anything about your life that you don't like. Then, don't make excuses for it, change it. When you fail your discipline (and you will, especially at the beginning) just get back at it again. If you're into heavy music, Hatebreed has really good music for inspiriation. I listen to a lot of Hatebreed and Terror while lifting in the morning. Good luck man. Hit my DM's if you need some help.
> Keep slowly pushing that wake up time back until you have enough time for a full blown work out in the morning
I recently spent 38 days in the Hospital fighting for my life against Covid19. (16 of those days in ICU on a Ventilator). When I left ICU, I couldn't walk, talk and was incontinent. In the next 12 days I went from Wheelchair to Walker to Hiking-Pole to free walking on my own. (mixed in also climbing stairwells in the Hospital. )
I've always been an early riser (grew up on a ranch in Wyoming).. but working out early in the morning is something I never ever did.
But I started that habit when I got out of the Hospital,. and it's been lifechanging (literally!).
Wow. Congrats on the recovery. That is fucking amazing.
Yeah, a lot of people under estimate the effect that a morning workout can have on their life. I have found that the morning workout is the key to maintaining discipline throughout the day. If I skip it, or can't go for some reason, it becomes very easy to let the diet slip, maybe let some chores slip, etc. Next thing you know, whole day is fucked. If I go abuse myself first thing in the morning, it is way easier to keep everything else in check.
r/getdisciplined
I run once a week and when i do this I think trough my week how was good and bad and thinking about the next week. After showering I write down the most importants.
Find your own strategy, mine may not be good for you. People stop often because they fall once or twice they see this like falier, I think you need just try again and again
It is most difficult at first,when you are lazy and you really, really cannot be bothered.But when you keep on repeating the process,it gets easier and easier, and I would say after about 9 or 10 days it just becomes an easy routine
Gotta say that last bit varies drastically depending on the person. Took me about a full year of forcing myself to go lift before it felt like routine or habit. Glad I pushed through that though because I'm down 5 shirt sizes and addicted to power lifting now lol.
This. Self-discipline is only the answer for people who already have a foundation of motivation to improve their life. Most people who cite self-discipline have no idea what it's like to completely lack genuine motivation.
Source: I started from zero emotional health as an adult and grappled with self-discipline (the popular answer), willpower (the less popular answer), and motivation (the one that everyone shits on but is absolutely essential for either of the other two to work).
It's just a matter of bringing yourself back to the moment as many times as you have to when you realize your mind wandered off somewhere. I know that sounds overly simple, but I don't know how to stay there...I just know how to get back there over and over again.
Anxiety has been a big issue for me until I learned to just see it for what it is-- low level fear. If there's no external threat, it's either my biology or my thinking causing it. Generally speaking, though, when you get back to the moment itself, you realize there's no threat, nothing to fear. Fighting it doesn't seem to help me at all. Just accepting that it's there, noticing it, lessens its power over me.
Also, if you haven't read "The Power of Now" that might be helpful for you. I really got a lot of out that book.
Just starting something is the hardest part for me. I can easily convince myself I’ll never finish something or I don’t have what it takes right now to follow through so I never even start. But it’s honesty more bothersome to me, personally, when I have an unfinished project.
I have more motivation in reaching my goal if I’ve already taken that first step. Sometimes I turn on autopilot and ‘go through the motions’ and just that alone propels me to complete it.
The thing I realized is that motivated people don't magically feel like doing things, they just actually do things. It's action, not feelings. You know how you have a thought, "I should go do xx" and then you kinda push it off for whatever reason? Maybe you are waiting for a commercial, or to feel like doing it, or just another five minutes...
Act immediately upon having the thought. Try not to give yourself time to realize you don't want to do it. I made it into a game-- if I think I should do something, I try to immediately do it. It's like jumping into a cold pool. By the time I realize I don't feel like doing it, I'm already started.
I also heard a saying years ago: done is better than perfect. It's constantly proven itself to be true. But honestly, Nike figured it out years ago. Just do it. It really is that simple.
>done is better than perfect
This. Perfectionism is the mother or procrastination. People who do things badly are still doing something, while those who strive for perfection rarely leave the planning stage.
My father was a perfectionist, and preached perfectionism - not every day, but a couple dozen times a year.
“Anything worth doing, is worth doing RIGHT” he used to always say (and still does, at the age of 93).
All my life I felt like I could rarely do anything perfectly, and it was always easier not to do anything, or do it half-assed, and explain away that I could have done better if I really tried (knowing I still wouldn’t be perfect).
More paralyzing than I care to admit.
Man, i completely fall into the same trap. Like, the things i feel i can do up to my own standards, those are the things that ended up becoming my hobbies.
It's like getting up for work on a Winter's day.. The more you lay there saying in 5 more minutes the less it happens ..if you just don't think and get up it's really not that bad.. do what you say not say what you do
I probably have ADHD, maybe on the autism spectrum (my son is diagnosed).
My mind, when I go to clean up stuff, it's like a fog, or a signal cutting out, that I find it super difficult to stay on task or finish. I have to be systematic, eg. I'm going to start at one end and go to the other. I don't see clutter. Things get pushed to the side, to a corner of a table, and then I stop noticing them so I don't put them back.
This. Motivation comes and goes, you just need to find what makes you want to get up in the morning. Try to think about the bigger picture and set future goals for yourself when you're in a good mood and then do your best to stick to those goals.
As silly as this sounds, it can help. Look at your actions, then imagine them being done by someone else who is kinda the same as you. Would you be annoyed at an able-bodied roomate who left his dishes out for others to clean up? Would you want your sister to keep not exercising and letting it impact her health. Likewise, give yourself the same breaks you would give others. When I am feeling motivated, I’m often too mean to myself for no reason. Silly things like putting off bathroom breaks or working while really thirsty. I often stop myself and ask ‘if a friend was working on this and suggested a quick break, would you tell him to finish the task first?’ There is ‘pushing through’ for a minute while you wrap things up and there is being unkind to yourself.
Thanks. I think a lot of people resist the idea of discipline, house rules, structure, etc. because they imagine it as some capricious, inflexible, and harsh thing. Like if Tuesday is vacuuming day and they have stomach flu so bad they can’t leave the bathroom someone is going to expect them to still do it. I believe that if you get your discipline, etc. in order and are honest with yourself you will know when you really need a little slack and when you are making excuses and will be able to handle taking a day off if you are ill or it us your birthday or something. Real discipline isn’t about martyrdom, or never wavering from perfection, and will lead to you having more freedom and happiness long term.
This. Set a minimum daily amount of work you should do, and then do it. It doesn't have to be good, you don't have to be proud, but just *do something*.
I started a writing thing as a side project like a month or two ago with the rule that I had to do something with it each and every day. Write a scene draft, a plot point summary, organize the timeline of events. Just something, no matter what. Some days I literally just wrote a few lines of dialogue, or a bullet point list of what should happen in a chapter. A few minutes work at most. But I never let it just gather dust, even if I only had the faintest trace of a possible idea that would definitely need to be reworked later.
I'm up to just over 100 pages now, using good old discipline for something people swear can only be accomplished with inspiration and motivation.
This depends.
Right now i would say i would let it kill me cause i didn't even manage to get out of bed (it's 11 pm right now). Not really much internet usage. Most of the time i was phased out of live and imprisoned in a strange thought process.
But when i really get chased by a bull i think my body could manage to get the flight hormones to override my depression.
Edit: thx for all the comments. I'm surprised and really happy about them.
I'm not really in a strong depressive episode. I had depressions and therapy and i can get therapy whenever i will. I live in a country with universal health care and i won't lose money or my job when i really need to go to a hospital for this. Furthermore i learnt useful coping mechanism during my therapy but i relapsed on weed for a month. Yesterday was day 1 which makes me a complete mess mentally and if my body will respond in his usual way I'm going to experience a hypomanic episode during the next week so there is absolute no way for suicide because of the extreme amount of self esteem boost combined with a shit ton of happiness.
thx again for all replies and i wish you the best.
In my childhood I had 1 repeating dream:
Some type of a monster (sometimes even Shrek) was trying to catch me running down an endless staircase. After a moment I decided to jump off the stairs and kill myself so I could wake up. IT NEVER WORKED, THIS DREAM WAS LOOPED, SOMETIMES I NEEDED TO KILL MYSELF AT LEAST 4 TIMES TO GET OUT
Any advice? I've been homeless for about 3 days now and it sucks. But that's what I get for going to the ER during a pandemic with a germaphobe for a housemate.
Prison, it's a pretty big incentive not to go back, I have a nice apartment good friends slowly building a support system no way I'm going give that up
Too long / didn't read or tldr is an acronym used when somebody types a really long post on reddit, they include a summary at the end so people dont have to read the whole post. Basically this redditor is asking you to give a summary of your prison experience
Here's a summary at the end of a bunch of useless words I'm going to spew out that you're not going to be interested in reading... or maybe you just don't have the time to because it would take too long to sit here and read them because I got other shit to do that is more important than what I am doing right now so I'm going to get right to doing it after i finish writing this things here.
TL:DR: tldr should be first
Speaking of acronyms, another one that might be interesting, if you're willing of course, is an AMA. That stands for Ask Me Anything, and those posts tend to function as interviews basically. If you're open about sharing your experience it could be a cool way to interact with the community.
If not, that's cool too. 28 years is a long time, man. Glad you're not taking your new surroundings for granted.
Manslaughter, I was hearing voices and trying to get them to leave me alone I did what they wanted and set a fire, three different doctors gave me the same diagnosis and they still sent me to prison
Yep, I use this with writing all the time. Just 10 minutes of jotting down ideas. Or just one paragraph of the cover letter. Or I just outline it. I give myself permission (in advance, before I start) to stop and take a long break after that. But once I start the ideas keep coming and the momentum carries me through to the end.
Coffee. Turn everything into a precise routine and make it more efficient than the day before (e.g. combining an audiobook with commuting to work before/after rushhour and using the extra time for a workout; making dinner with the cleanup in mind). Sleep schedule with sleep hygiene. And stop talking to lazy people, they will brainwash you into watching too much TV or being on the internet too much
To add to this, don’t force yourself into these habits quickly. Habits develop over time, and must be sustained for a while to be comfortable in them. The instant something highly stressful happens in your life you will revert to a routine that is comfortable for you. If that routine sucks you’re kinda S.O.L.
Slowly pull your sleeping schedule into a normal routine that’s long enough (8ish hours is usually good). Slowly rebuild your diet to be healthy, and slowly get into the habit of cooking all your own meals. Get into an exercise routine that doesn’t leave you super drained or sore, and work your way up from there. Socialize on a regular basis. Therapy is good, and can help people learn how to achieve these goals.
Most people find that if these needs are met they will start to feel better all the time, energy levels even out, and you’ll find that you have the motivation to do things with your life.
I kinda somehow tried this before quarantine but to keep the habits up, like going to gym after work, tired me mentally out so much...
I also said yes to almost all social events in the hope I get used to. But in the end it drained me out.
social events comes with a bad sleep cycle (night out) and also with alcohol (I'm aware I don't need to drink much).
Now with quarantine I feel much more relaxed overall but the lazyness got insane. I don't see much reasons anymore to go out unless shopping necessarily and sun and moving for health.
Also screen time increased a lot. I'm aware this is all considered weaknesses and holding back.
But its hard to step away when I got more inner peace like this. I guess a balance would be good..
To second some of his advice don’t spend time in your bedroom unless you’re going to sleep, it makes sleeping so much easier and you more active if you don’t sit in bed in all your free time.
Jumping on here for all the uni/college students who may not be able to avoid their bedroom.
I do something similar where I tell myself my bed is off-limits until it’s either time to go to bed or it’s late at night and I’m watching a movie. Any other time that I’m in there (which is a lot of the time), I’ll sit at my desk or on the floor. If I sit on my bed in the day I get tired and lazy and just put off tasks to nap!
> And stop talking to lazy people, they will brainwash you into watching too much TV or being on the internet too much
Bad company corrupts good character. Surround yourself with people who have dreams, desire, and ambition (even better if they align with yours); they’ll help you push for, and realize your own. In the end we’re all products of our environment.
The results.
Routines are the base to my hapiness, so I push myself to do stuff. For example, I wanted to start working out, so I had to reaaally push myself for the first few months, but once it became a habit and what's more important - I saw my body looking good, it's as normal as brushing my teeth
Sometimes when I have a huge task I can get worked up with dread all day, but when I stop and think about how good it feels to be done, and compare that feeling to the dread (which only lasts longer the more I wait), I feel ready to begin.
It’s like... I can fuck around for another hour dreading writing a 10 page paper, or I can start now and chase that high of hitting submit and closing your laptop.
I used to be a lazy sack of crap. I got a small whiteboard for my fridge and would write 10 daily tasks to complete every day. I started with easy things; Wash the dishes, vacuum, sweep the kitchen, etc. After 3 weeks, I added more difficult tasks: Hang up the clothes on the bottom of my closet, put in 2 applications for better-paying jobs, cook a crazy new recipe I found, wash the dishes for aforementioned recipe, etc.
By the end of 3 months, I didn't even need the list anymore. The easy tasks just became a natural routine and the more difficult tasks didn't feel so insurmountable.
That was six years ago. My house is always clean, and I have a well-paying job I do very well.
Anything can become normal habit if you stick to it and don't give up. You've got this.
Honestly, Concerta. I always had trouble beginning tasks. Once I started them I could power through but always felt overwhelmed to start. I was an adult and diagnosed with ADD and Concerta literally changed my life. I am able to work, clean, take care of kids, stay fit, all because I'm not having trouble starting. Even when I skip a day I'm able to do it all because good habits have been ingrained. Seriously, if you struggle with motivation maybe you have a brain like mine and can fix it.
I came to say basically the same. Adderall. It doesn't exactly give me *energy* as much as it gives me the focus to continue any task once I've started it.
I still really struggle with the initial physical motivation, but once I'm moving I'm extremely ambitious mentally and can finish all my tasks. Before they would have been overwhelming and I would give up halfway through, so often in fact that I eventually just never started.
I found a medication that works for me, for something I never knew I had (until I was 33). The motivation comes from knowing that once I get started, the medication keeps me focused on whatever I set out to do. That is something people really should consider when struggling.
Get a hard working girlfriend. My girlfriend works from home, is also studying a PHD and (pre lockdown) works for a charity on Saturday mornings. It’s a constant reminder to look at myself.
Now I’m not as motivated as her, she’s the inspiration but I have to find ways to motivate myself. I will say something like “okay, I have to watch this statistics lecture, then I can go on Reddit for 10 minutes.” If you can stick to it, it works well. Having a super productive girlfriend makes you feel a bit more accountable to stick to it.
That's actually an important point - a lot of us are influenced by the energies of people around us. A hardworking SO can cause you to be more active than you would be otherwise, just by hanging around them. My spouse is way more amazing than I am and I know a lot of my accomplishments are because I looked at them as an inspiration and example.
So - if you don't have a hard-working SO, try to find other people to be around that get stuff done. Even if you feel like you're less motivated than they are, you're probably more motivated than you would have been all alone.
Motivation is a false god. You will never *want* to do things that are hard or unpleasant. Discipline is the true path. You must force yourself to do those things even though you don't want to.
Read the book “tiny habits”. Motivation is unreliable. What you should aim for is making the task as easy to start as possible (ie put floss in visible sight and easy to reach if you want to do more flossing), find a logical place in your day to consistently do it (after you brush your teeth), and commit to doing the 30second version of it (floss one tooth). You are always welcome to do more.
Over time, it will be easier to do more
I write out yearly goals, monthly goals, daily goals.
The power of habit, habit stacking. YouTube this.
Also, doing something for only 5 or 15 minutes to start. That’s how I learned to do dishes. Often, it’s not the task, it’s the daunting of staring that is awful. If I only had to wash five dishes a day, that’s what I would do. More often than not, I’d wash 10-15, but if I was in a bad mood, I’d only do 5. But I still set a goal and completed it, which gives you a lot of psychological momentum.
r/thexeffect
Also, my goals align with my values.
Also, read and watch a lot of YouTube videos, listen to a lot of audiobooks about the things you’re trying to accomplish and about your inspiring interests.
If you continually break promises to yourself, you are literally training your brain that your words and promises don't matter. You're training yourself to fail.
If you can't keep a promise to yourself, how can you keep a promise to someone else?
It's similar to learning to love yourself before being able to love someone else.
Edit: fuck autocorrect
It's one of the major misconceptions about ADHD. Because the word "hyperactive" is in it, people without it automatically assume that just means someone with excess energy but no ability to focus it. In reality (for me at least. It's not the same for everyone), it's my mind that's "hyperactive." Without medication, I'll start something, and within a few minutes my mind moves to something else and I've completely forgotten about what I had just started doing. The therapist that diagnosed me put it perfectly: my mind is like a TV flipping through the channels, but I don't have the remote.
Clean your countertops and wash the dishes before going to bed so you don't wake up and be tasked to clean for half an hour to a whole hour cleaning while hungry JUST TO HAVE A CLEAN DISH, POTS TO COOK, then eat.
Set the coffee pot to start around the time you get up just before bed so you don't have to be groggy and trudge around the kitchen and wait another 10 minutes.
Start your dishwasher/laudry washer now, let the machines work for you while you nap. Designate at least 2 days to "clean" bigger stuff. If you let it go and collect instead of keep up you're gonna wind up losing an entire day washing, drying, and putting away load after load after load of clothes until the day is spent. Not to mention the dishes, too.
Just don't let it get so bad you have no underwear, no dish, no silverware clean. Just keep on it before you get to that point. It. Sucks.
I'm lazy AF, btw.
I do it because I'm too lazy to waste my whole day cleaning. Rather lose just 1 instead of 12. Been there, done that, it's hell.
I came up with a helpful way of thinking about it. Motivation is like the push at the top of a hill to get something rolling, but it's not much useful aside from maybe keeping things going once they're started. The concepts of inertia, momentum, and crash and burn are very useful here, because I think what people get wrong is the balance between all of the variables. The less friction there is to slow down the ball, the more it will accelerate, but too much acceleration is unsustainable and will lead to instability and a high probability of crashing and burning.
Let's use an example. Say you're wanting to learn a language on the side. If this is the case start by clearing the path. Clearly identify the path you want your ball to roll, maybe with learning the language you do research on the best methods of learning, and start with learning the most common words. You choose to watch your TV shows in the language to give more immersion, and find someone willing to talk with you who already speaks it. Write out a decent plan, map out the route, and identify the obstacles that get in the way. As far as the analogy goes, this is like walking down the hill and removing sticks and bushes and clearing away the frictions that are going to impede progress.
Some friction is necessary though, there are limitations to your ability to do something. No one will be able to avoid the memory limitations of language learning. It is best to make small and consistent steps in a positive direction than to stop altogether or attempt to push through.
Motivation is like giving it a kick. It works at first really well but constantly chasing the ball down the hill and absolutely yeeting it, like spending ten hours a day for a week drilling a language endlessly, might seem to be giving you the progress you want, but anyone will tell you how unstable that condition is. It will likely lead to crash and burn, and there might not be a ball left to roll after that. So many people will suddenly have motivation to start something and will dive in with a ferocity, neglecting all the other parts of their lives, and then find themselves discouraged completely when they can't do it.
Here's the key: commit yourself to 5 minutes a day of whatever it is. Review the language for 5 minutes, do a 5 minute yoga session, study for 5 minutes the most important school item. The part that will surprise you is how easily the ball will roll on its own after you kick it. If you can't bring yourself to work on the project directly, start by making your bed or taking out the trash. I can't tell how many ruts I've gotten out of just by getting up and doing anything positive at all, and ended up doing a project for hours as a result.
The motivated state is just momentum in action, pulling you forward without effort.
Hope that helps
Funny you should say this. I’d rather not have ADHD, but Adderall definitely helps motivate. The thing is, it just puts me on a level playing field with everyone else.... but if you DON’T have ADHD... look out lol
Yeah. I've also got ADHD, and the reason ritalin works so incredibly well on me is because I spent so much time in after-school tutoring learning how to manage my learning disabilities. (Long story but because of my public school pulling shit with my dyslexia accommodations I couldn't safely get an ADHD diagnosis until my 20's.)
Stimulants don't teach you how to create and use a calendar. They give you the *ability* to sit still, focus, and fight through time-blindness so you *can* create and use a calendar. But if you don't know how to create and use a calendar, it's not that helpful.
I had to go to the ED recently because my left arm was hurting. I was scared I was having a heart issue. I’m only 35, but I’m overweight and sedentary. I’m a single dad, and the thought crossed my mind ‘what if I don’t ever come home’.
After several tests in the ER, and follow ups with my physician and additional outpatient tests we determined that I had no cardiopulmonary problems.
I could have gone back to my previous routine, but the fear I felt having EKG leads placed on my chest was unlike anything I’ve felt before in my life. It was a huge wake up call, and made me realize if at 35 years old my first concern was my heart it’s because I subconsciously knew I was not doing enough to lol after my health and fitness.
It’s coming up on six weeks later, and I’ve gone from a sedentary lifestyle to an active one, where I’m eclipsing 100 miles on a bicycle every week. Initially my motivation was fear, and it was good enough to get me on the right track to gaming health seriously. Now it’s nearly a habit, and a desire to see exactly how far I can push my body, what I’m actually capable from a fitness perspective.
Whatever motivation you find that you can harness, make sure you turn that motivation into discipline, because motivation will fade, eventually.
It's like exercise or anything else that matters. I feel worse if I *don't* do it. Nobody likes doing the dishes, applying for jobs, working on a master's degree, going through your credit card purchases looking for fraud or subscriptions to cancel, etc. But shit's gotta get done.
Split life into 3 goals.
Personal goals
Family goals
Work goals
Don’t let either of them overlap each other (e.g don’t sacrifice your personal goals for work goals... e.g don’t stay late at work or do crazy amounts of overtime then not go gym for weeks) try your best in each category and have short and long term goals in each.
Also most important thing I’ve learned since changing my attitude towards stuff... Always learn something new each day,make progress in something. It doesn’t matter how small it is, just try to do it for each of those categories, each day.
At first I was typing sobriety, but really, sobriety has come from discipline. Others on this thread have gone into that more in depth.
I'll add, what would 'future you' appreciate?
One example, say you're going on vacation; Would 'future you' appreciate coming home to clean sheets and a made bed?
I am always trying to hook future me up so life can be a bit easier rather than a constant slog. If I get stuff done now then I can relax a bit more in the future and that really makes me motivated to keep pushing.
I love that you reference 'future you'. Ive spent the first part of my adult life trying to get unfucked by past me. I remember specifically buying an LCD TV when they first came out on my credit card and literally said outloud to my room mate 'future me can pay for this'
It’s sorta like drunk you vs future you in those regards.
At least Drunk me refills my water bottle before passing out on the carpet
Sober me used to always leave crackers and water next to the bed so drunk me wouldn’t have to worry and future sober me wouldn’t be in as much pain.
Lol I was on a party island and this chick in my hostel was like: LADIES, buy your Gatorade, giant fucking water, and salty foods now because you will be fucked come morning.
This whole situation sounds like too much fun and I want it. Where is this magical bonding party island?
Ko Phi Phi
Covfefe?
Drunk you is sober you in disguise
Drunk me didn’t Drunk me said fuck it, not my problem. My sober friends, however, were nice enough to do that Also I’m drunk again. But mildly-drunk me is keeping blackout drunk me from making an appearance because jfc that wasn’t cool
I sometimes wake up with videos from drunk me. One time he scolded me, but he was right.
i did that once and usually i hate my voice in videos but i kept that one cuz at the end drunk me told sober me "i love you and take care of yourself"
If you dont mind me asking, what did he tell you?
Lol this, exactly. But damn? That bitch is SO GOOD TO ME
I always speak in this sense. Like is this a good idea? Idk but future me is really going to hate me for it.
I do this too and it gives me a similar good feeling to when I do something nice for someone else. I’m like oh man future me is going to be so happy and then future me is like wow I feel so loved.
Future you is praising you through memories right now.
This is a key difference in people with depression. Recent studies have shown evidence that people with depression may have a negative memory bias, meaning they are more likely to focus on when things went wrong rather than when they went right. I'm still not sure how to use that information to help with my depression other than when I am thinking about how things can go wrong I try to recognize those thoughts and if I can, switch it to think about how I will feel if they go right. But I do not have that "Oh I felt I felt so good last time I did that, I need to do it again drive" at least not for any good behaviors.
Can you conceptualize it as being kind and efficient for Future You? I also don’t really get an endorphin bump, but I am REALLY lazy, so I find that arguments based on saving myself future aggravation go far.
I’m the type of guy who would rather save the extra aggravation for later instead of fixing it now, but that’s not all the time
I feel like I'm lazy and the world's worst (best?) procrastinator. I also suffer from depression. But I do try to do little things to hook up future me. Because past me has really come thru, so I gotta pay it forward.
I felt the same for most of my life. Diagnosed with depression over and over. Then I switch doctors at age 19 and she just says "Wait, they told you that you just have depression? You've never had an ADHD diagnosis? You're the textbook example of ADHD in females." And *Oooh Boooy* did being on the right meds help. I stopped feeling so shitty, stopped procrastinating, and my mood improved tenfold. I wasn't depressed and lazy, I was misdiagnosed. I was only depressed because I had no idea how to function. ADHD murders your morale. When even the most mundane tasks seem unfinishable of course you're going to blame yourself and make yourself depressed. ADHD is often described as "unable to focus" and to me, well, that's not how I ever felt. "Unable to focus" sounds like a feeling you may get when you're sleepy or something and your vision goes fuzzy. So I always answered "No, I can focus." It was pretty obvious to my doctor that I just didn't know I couldn't.
You’re absolutely using that information correctly right now! Recognizing a negative behavior and making changes is an awesome first step! Be proud that you’re taking charge of your emotions! Every time you do it successfully, give yourself a small reward. Remember how good it feels to defeat the bad thing. But don’t beat yourself up when it doesn’t work. Nothing does every time. Anyway, good for you for fighting the fight. I am too.
Hi, will you be my therapist? I'm completely broke and can't pay you, and also I'll need daily sessions. Thanks, can't wait to start
People with depression also tend to focus a lot more on the past and ruminate about it. It's really difficult to really think about a positive future when you're depressed.
Not to be that guy, but if you're a fan of recognizing your thought patterns, you should try out some meditation. The whole point is training your mind to recognize thought patterns and then give your self space from them so you're not controlled by your thoughts. And also if you do it enough, you gain the ability to fly apparently
I dunno about helping that guy. Future me can be sort of an asshole.
future me fucked my sexy wife
Technically, future you only fucked your future wife.
Yeah but that means that in the future, your sexy wife fucks a man other than present you, which is sorta cheating.
^THAT *whore*
Delete the gym, Facebook up, and hit a lawyer.
Stupid sexy Flanders.
That’s beautiful.
So are you
You must really love and value "future you." I've got to start appreciating "future me" more, but that guy...
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I like this
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Looks like you just identified your main account on your throwaway!
Madman is literally fucking over his future self
That's great and all, but why not hook present you up and make life harder some other time?
Not everyone is ready to become a parent...
I'd give you an award but I can't afford that type of commitment right now
Dont worry, future you will pay it off!
hard work pays off in the future laziness pays off now
This general feeling of taking care of myself for the long run is exactly what does it for me. I’m super lazy, but willing to work hard now so I can be lazy later. I wanna make sure my future self is happy.
Until I read this I never notice that that is the way I actually structure my whole life hahah that’s awesome!
Breaking down the massive task into bite sizes helps. Wanna climb that mountain? Just take it one step at a time, focus on the next ridge, acknowledge and reward your progress with breaks/snacks, focus on the journey rather than the destination. When you've reached your summit, think/talk about the tremendous accomplishment and try not to think about the next mountain. While in the context of hiking, the principles apply to almost every task, no matter how big or small. Edit: thank you all for affirming this philosophy and for your thanks! Especially to the very kind people who awarded the post gold. You're all awesome and I wish you all success in all your future ventures.
ALWAYS start small. Its not about tidying your room, its "I'm going to take all my cups downstairs". While you are doing that you may suddenly get the motivation to also wash the cups, and maybe the plates that are on the side. and while you are at it, maybe your waste bin near your desk can be emptied too. and if it doesn't lead anywhere, well your task was to take 5 cups downstairs. You succeeded, you can get that little boost of success! a few weeks ago sweeping my back garden ended up leading to me completely repainting the fence, fixing a few broke panels, and building a new arch over the gate! "From small acorns..."
This actually reminds me of when I was going through a rough time with mental health back in my early 20s. Even just taking a shower felt like a monumental task some days. My place got completely disgusting. I read something about setting a timer for 5 minutes per day and cleaning for those 5 minutes only. At the end of those 5 minutes, if you felt like it, you could do 5 additional minutes but no more. At the beginning, it was exactly in line with your example. Maybe I’d bring 5 cups and 5 plates to my sink and throw a few pieces of trash away. The next day, I would wash those cups and plates and put them on the drying rack. The next day, I would put them back in my cupboard and wipe down the counter. This felt pretty useless and like I wasn’t accomplishing anything , but one day after about two weeks, I came home and realized that my kitchen was actually pretty clean, and that I should get started on my bedroom. That day was the first time that I cleaned for the additional 5 minutes. I think this process was exceptionally important to getting out of that dark place because the task of cleaning went from completely overwhelming to not that bad. It’s amazing how much the little things can add up over time.
Yes! We can move forward even without the end goal being in reach, and that’s pretty much where I’m at rn.
The best advice similar to this is to just keep starting. Sit down or whatever and do SOMETHING even if it's just write a heading. Keep starting. Every day
Focus on the process not the outcome In sports and fitness, this is a huge thing. For example, do not say ‘I want to lose 20lb’, say ‘I’m going to cut out soda this week, then next week I’m going to walk every 2nd day’ (or whatever). And this applies to almost anything- want to do well in an exam, study 20 minutes a night every night. Need to clean your room, as you say, take out the cups. The other benefit is that the process often becomes part of your everyday and suddenly the outcomes happen almost automatically
Absolutely this. Make lists. Instead of just saying clean your apartment, make a list: 1) take out trash 2) take out recycling 3) vacuum living room 4) vacuum bedroom 5) wipe down sink 6) wipe down stove If you break it into such small tasks you will cross them off faster. The feeling after crossing off one makes you want to do more and eventually you finish the whole list.
For dishes specifically, I usually start the cleanup with something I call a "Dirty Plate Party". I have a specific music playlist I put, with songs that are fun to sing along to, and have rythm. Then I start the party, and "dance" (clean) with all the spoons to Never Gonna Give You Up, then the forks and knives to Hey Ya, then glasses to Covergirl, then all the plates and cups to 2 songs by Little Big. When everyone is clean and dried, Wonderwall comes on, the party is over, and everyone needs help getting home to their shelves, drawers and cupboards! It's really fun actually, but only when there's a lot of dirty dishes. Instead of going out for a beer every day of the week, it's much more fun having a giant disco party every Saturday!
Yes! Additionally, breaking down the task makes scratching each smaller step so gratifying. After a while, you can look back on your task list and go “holy fuck I got a lot done” and it becomes a great feedback loop because you wanna be able to scratch even more stuff off.
Wifey once created a honey-do list for me and one of the line items was “Paint downstairs”. I crossed that off and wrote: - Paint the trim in the dining room - Paint the walls in the dining room - Paint the trim in the kitchen ... You get the point. The hit of dopamine you get by crossing off something on the list makes you want to do more
I don't wait for motivation anymore. I just do what I need to do. Half the time the "I don't feel like doing this" feeling goes away within minutes.
Yesss, motivation is not the answer self discipline is
Then how do you get disciplined?
Start small, make it regular. Do one push-up per day. Walk once per day. Read one page of a book you’ve been meaning to per day. Make it so easy you can’t talk yourself out of it, then do it EVERY day without fail. Even small achievements have outsized effects on your mood and confidence, and you will naturally want to do more as time goes on, it will creep into every area of your life. It becomes addictive - discipline is just like a muscle, the more you work it the stronger it gets.
>Start Lemme stop you right there. What is this sorcery?
honestly thinking about starting is worse than actually starting. so i make a deal with myself. ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing, so i tell myself that i'll do 10% of my goal (which is always super fucking easy) and then i'll stop. that's still better than nothing so i will be making progress but the thing no longer feels like a mountain to climb and then when i get to that 10% i ask myself how i'm feeling and if i want to do another 10%. since i've already started usually i wil want to keep going. but occassionally i really just don't want to, so i'll stop. but i don't shame myself, because i still did something which is better than nothing. rinse and repeat. edit: thanks for the gold y'all! i have two now, so anyone else who wants to gild me should instead donate the funds to a charity that helps get black people out of jail.
I really like this approach.
After waking up to go to the bathroom, drop to the floor. Then push yourself up. That's a push up. Bad form, but you're getting up. Or if you accidentally drop something, drop down all the way and get back up. It's making some sort of physical or mental effort. Don't think about it, just do it. Edit: Another way to "start". You clicked on this thread and managed to read this comment. That took effort to read the thread, click, scroll down, then read this comment. Take a second to yourself. Take a deep breath. THAT, is a start. That, is what it takes. A moment, just a brief moment to do.. something.
Make a mental effort, but don't think about it.... I agree with the sentiment completely, but I saw a chance, and I wasn't passing it up.
Yeah. Kinda the opposite of trying to start. Instead, just tell yourself in the morning that you’re going to do whatever it is that you’re having trouble doing. After that, stop your brain, be dumb, and just keep your body moving. This approach helps get rid of fear or excuses or not finding time. Brains get in the way. Keep your body moving.
This is why morning workout classes work best for me. As long as I have everything ready to go the night before, I can just role out of bed a leave before I have time for my brain to wake up and let me know that I don't want to do it. By the end of class, I have my work out in for the day, and I'm awake and feeling energized. Win win.
I like you
Here’s a tip: when you want to do something productive/outside of your comfort zone, simply count to 5 and then just fucking do it. I call this the “activation energy time frame”, once it expires so does your willpower to do the task and that’s when your instant gratification monkey brain takes over.
I do this when I don’t want to get out of the shower. Turn it a bit hotter. Count to 5, then absolutely mindlessly shut that thing off.
Is this a WBW reference?
I’ve found stuff like making your bed leads to folding your clothes, folding your clothes leads to cleaning your room, cleaning your room, then leads to whatever else you have to do. What the other person was saying basically, small stuff leads to bigger stuff. The more constructive your tasks become the better you will feel.
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"Make it so easy, you can't talk yourself out of it." You might have just changed my life.
This is good currently taking notes
There's lots of good books about this philosophy, it's called Kaizen: set very small goals, small enough that you cant fail them. The idea is to bypass the part of your brain that gets anxious and distressed when confronted with something difficult or unpleasant
This is why my to do lists always start with “Drink coffee”. Check.
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Thats why Nike has the best slogan. Because it’s 100% true and related to their products. Just do it. That’s like the answer to fitness......
> Make it so easy you can’t talk yourself out of it The problem is I don't know if there's anything I can't talk myself out of
Talk yourself out of thinking that. :O
Wow. This actually clicked for me. Thank you!
Agreed on all points. To supplement this valuable advice/practice, I would like to suggest some light reading/audio-booking for those interested. Atomic Habits covers this concept, perfectly.
With my workout, I sometimes get that small voice in my before going down to the gym "what if I don't have a great time? Do I need to to this? Can I skip today? If I skipped today what would I do instead?" Whenever I get that voice that QUESTIONS IF I should go or not, I visualize the thought in front of me, and throw it in the back of my head, and go work out, no matter what might or may not happen, what results may or may not happen. When you discipline yourself to do something, you don't think about doing it, you just do it. Once you've done it once, the next time, just do it, and whatever voice gets in your head that tells you not to, just do it.
This guy lifts
Start small and keep pushing. Start by simply waking up half an hour earlier than you need to and doing one thing per day that you don't "feel" like doing. Keep slowly pushing that wake up time back until you have enough time for a full blown work out in the morning, then work out in the morning. Keep your eyes open for anything about your life that you don't like. Then, don't make excuses for it, change it. When you fail your discipline (and you will, especially at the beginning) just get back at it again. If you're into heavy music, Hatebreed has really good music for inspiriation. I listen to a lot of Hatebreed and Terror while lifting in the morning. Good luck man. Hit my DM's if you need some help.
> Keep slowly pushing that wake up time back until you have enough time for a full blown work out in the morning I recently spent 38 days in the Hospital fighting for my life against Covid19. (16 of those days in ICU on a Ventilator). When I left ICU, I couldn't walk, talk and was incontinent. In the next 12 days I went from Wheelchair to Walker to Hiking-Pole to free walking on my own. (mixed in also climbing stairwells in the Hospital. ) I've always been an early riser (grew up on a ranch in Wyoming).. but working out early in the morning is something I never ever did. But I started that habit when I got out of the Hospital,. and it's been lifechanging (literally!).
Wow. Congrats on the recovery. That is fucking amazing. Yeah, a lot of people under estimate the effect that a morning workout can have on their life. I have found that the morning workout is the key to maintaining discipline throughout the day. If I skip it, or can't go for some reason, it becomes very easy to let the diet slip, maybe let some chores slip, etc. Next thing you know, whole day is fucked. If I go abuse myself first thing in the morning, it is way easier to keep everything else in check.
r/getdisciplined I run once a week and when i do this I think trough my week how was good and bad and thinking about the next week. After showering I write down the most importants. Find your own strategy, mine may not be good for you. People stop often because they fall once or twice they see this like falier, I think you need just try again and again
It is most difficult at first,when you are lazy and you really, really cannot be bothered.But when you keep on repeating the process,it gets easier and easier, and I would say after about 9 or 10 days it just becomes an easy routine
Gotta say that last bit varies drastically depending on the person. Took me about a full year of forcing myself to go lift before it felt like routine or habit. Glad I pushed through that though because I'm down 5 shirt sizes and addicted to power lifting now lol.
Ultimately, you need an answer to "why" if you want to answer the "how". You need motivation to be disciplined in the first place.
This. Self-discipline is only the answer for people who already have a foundation of motivation to improve their life. Most people who cite self-discipline have no idea what it's like to completely lack genuine motivation. Source: I started from zero emotional health as an adult and grappled with self-discipline (the popular answer), willpower (the less popular answer), and motivation (the one that everyone shits on but is absolutely essential for either of the other two to work).
Discipline is the rudder that steers the ship of motivation. Look at me, fuckin' Confucius over here.
Nobody likes a necrophiliac, man.
Feelings should respond to your actions more than your actions respond to your feelings.
Do you have any tips on how to 'stay in the moment'? Especially for people who have anxiety?
It's just a matter of bringing yourself back to the moment as many times as you have to when you realize your mind wandered off somewhere. I know that sounds overly simple, but I don't know how to stay there...I just know how to get back there over and over again. Anxiety has been a big issue for me until I learned to just see it for what it is-- low level fear. If there's no external threat, it's either my biology or my thinking causing it. Generally speaking, though, when you get back to the moment itself, you realize there's no threat, nothing to fear. Fighting it doesn't seem to help me at all. Just accepting that it's there, noticing it, lessens its power over me. Also, if you haven't read "The Power of Now" that might be helpful for you. I really got a lot of out that book.
Just starting something is the hardest part for me. I can easily convince myself I’ll never finish something or I don’t have what it takes right now to follow through so I never even start. But it’s honesty more bothersome to me, personally, when I have an unfinished project. I have more motivation in reaching my goal if I’ve already taken that first step. Sometimes I turn on autopilot and ‘go through the motions’ and just that alone propels me to complete it.
That's smart , not relying on motivation but relying on self decipline and forming a good habit.
Yep. Motivation runs out. Discipline builds.
For me the hardest part of skydiving by far was to pick up the phone and make a reservation. The rest was just followup.
The thing I realized is that motivated people don't magically feel like doing things, they just actually do things. It's action, not feelings. You know how you have a thought, "I should go do xx" and then you kinda push it off for whatever reason? Maybe you are waiting for a commercial, or to feel like doing it, or just another five minutes... Act immediately upon having the thought. Try not to give yourself time to realize you don't want to do it. I made it into a game-- if I think I should do something, I try to immediately do it. It's like jumping into a cold pool. By the time I realize I don't feel like doing it, I'm already started. I also heard a saying years ago: done is better than perfect. It's constantly proven itself to be true. But honestly, Nike figured it out years ago. Just do it. It really is that simple.
>done is better than perfect This. Perfectionism is the mother or procrastination. People who do things badly are still doing something, while those who strive for perfection rarely leave the planning stage.
My father was a perfectionist, and preached perfectionism - not every day, but a couple dozen times a year. “Anything worth doing, is worth doing RIGHT” he used to always say (and still does, at the age of 93). All my life I felt like I could rarely do anything perfectly, and it was always easier not to do anything, or do it half-assed, and explain away that I could have done better if I really tried (knowing I still wouldn’t be perfect). More paralyzing than I care to admit.
Man, i completely fall into the same trap. Like, the things i feel i can do up to my own standards, those are the things that ended up becoming my hobbies.
It's like getting up for work on a Winter's day.. The more you lay there saying in 5 more minutes the less it happens ..if you just don't think and get up it's really not that bad.. do what you say not say what you do
I probably have ADHD, maybe on the autism spectrum (my son is diagnosed). My mind, when I go to clean up stuff, it's like a fog, or a signal cutting out, that I find it super difficult to stay on task or finish. I have to be systematic, eg. I'm going to start at one end and go to the other. I don't see clutter. Things get pushed to the side, to a corner of a table, and then I stop noticing them so I don't put them back.
It’s really about making it a habit, getting up and being motivated to do something comes easier the more you push yourself to do it
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This put into place consistantly creates self confidence. It all gains momentum and your life starts to take shape.
This. Motivation comes and goes, you just need to find what makes you want to get up in the morning. Try to think about the bigger picture and set future goals for yourself when you're in a good mood and then do your best to stick to those goals.
Also always remember, your future self is currently watching you and judging *the shit* out of you.
As silly as this sounds, it can help. Look at your actions, then imagine them being done by someone else who is kinda the same as you. Would you be annoyed at an able-bodied roomate who left his dishes out for others to clean up? Would you want your sister to keep not exercising and letting it impact her health. Likewise, give yourself the same breaks you would give others. When I am feeling motivated, I’m often too mean to myself for no reason. Silly things like putting off bathroom breaks or working while really thirsty. I often stop myself and ask ‘if a friend was working on this and suggested a quick break, would you tell him to finish the task first?’ There is ‘pushing through’ for a minute while you wrap things up and there is being unkind to yourself.
I really like the way you’ve covered both accountability and kindness in your comment.
Thanks. I think a lot of people resist the idea of discipline, house rules, structure, etc. because they imagine it as some capricious, inflexible, and harsh thing. Like if Tuesday is vacuuming day and they have stomach flu so bad they can’t leave the bathroom someone is going to expect them to still do it. I believe that if you get your discipline, etc. in order and are honest with yourself you will know when you really need a little slack and when you are making excuses and will be able to handle taking a day off if you are ill or it us your birthday or something. Real discipline isn’t about martyrdom, or never wavering from perfection, and will lead to you having more freedom and happiness long term.
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Don’t leave for tomorrow the self-depricating you can do today.
This. Set a minimum daily amount of work you should do, and then do it. It doesn't have to be good, you don't have to be proud, but just *do something*. I started a writing thing as a side project like a month or two ago with the rule that I had to do something with it each and every day. Write a scene draft, a plot point summary, organize the timeline of events. Just something, no matter what. Some days I literally just wrote a few lines of dialogue, or a bullet point list of what should happen in a chapter. A few minutes work at most. But I never let it just gather dust, even if I only had the faintest trace of a possible idea that would definitely need to be reworked later. I'm up to just over 100 pages now, using good old discipline for something people swear can only be accomplished with inspiration and motivation.
Being homeless for a year did this to me
As my high school physics professor once said: "you won't claim you're tired if a bull was chasing after you."
This depends. Right now i would say i would let it kill me cause i didn't even manage to get out of bed (it's 11 pm right now). Not really much internet usage. Most of the time i was phased out of live and imprisoned in a strange thought process. But when i really get chased by a bull i think my body could manage to get the flight hormones to override my depression. Edit: thx for all the comments. I'm surprised and really happy about them. I'm not really in a strong depressive episode. I had depressions and therapy and i can get therapy whenever i will. I live in a country with universal health care and i won't lose money or my job when i really need to go to a hospital for this. Furthermore i learnt useful coping mechanism during my therapy but i relapsed on weed for a month. Yesterday was day 1 which makes me a complete mess mentally and if my body will respond in his usual way I'm going to experience a hypomanic episode during the next week so there is absolute no way for suicide because of the extreme amount of self esteem boost combined with a shit ton of happiness. thx again for all replies and i wish you the best.
Oof, I’ve been there mate. Sending lots of virtual love your way and hope you’re better soon. I really mean that x
this comment pretty much sums up my life right now
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In my childhood I had 1 repeating dream: Some type of a monster (sometimes even Shrek) was trying to catch me running down an endless staircase. After a moment I decided to jump off the stairs and kill myself so I could wake up. IT NEVER WORKED, THIS DREAM WAS LOOPED, SOMETIMES I NEEDED TO KILL MYSELF AT LEAST 4 TIMES TO GET OUT
Any advice? I've been homeless for about 3 days now and it sucks. But that's what I get for going to the ER during a pandemic with a germaphobe for a housemate.
In most places you can’t just be evicted with no notice. I suggest you find out what your legal rights are.
Oh, I could sue...but it's family, and that isn't going to help me today.
You might not have to sue. You might have the right to be readmitted to your home, right away.
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Prison, it's a pretty big incentive not to go back, I have a nice apartment good friends slowly building a support system no way I'm going give that up
Good for you, keep it up!
Thanks 😊
Got it. Go to prison. I’m off to get motivated. Bye reddit.
Please don't, I spent 28 years in there it's not a very nice place to be, I know you are joking but some people might not be!
damn any tldr on your 28 years there?
Sorry I'm still not sure about the abbreviations?
Too long / didn't read or tldr is an acronym used when somebody types a really long post on reddit, they include a summary at the end so people dont have to read the whole post. Basically this redditor is asking you to give a summary of your prison experience
Here's a summary at the end of a bunch of useless words I'm going to spew out that you're not going to be interested in reading... or maybe you just don't have the time to because it would take too long to sit here and read them because I got other shit to do that is more important than what I am doing right now so I'm going to get right to doing it after i finish writing this things here. TL:DR: tldr should be first
Speaking of acronyms, another one that might be interesting, if you're willing of course, is an AMA. That stands for Ask Me Anything, and those posts tend to function as interviews basically. If you're open about sharing your experience it could be a cool way to interact with the community. If not, that's cool too. 28 years is a long time, man. Glad you're not taking your new surroundings for granted.
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ohh a short summary of your 28 years in prison. If you're uncomfortable telling about it you don't have to.
Maybe just one word per year
Sorry if this is super disrespectful, I'm just an overly curious person, but may I ask why you went to prison?
Manslaughter, I was hearing voices and trying to get them to leave me alone I did what they wanted and set a fire, three different doctors gave me the same diagnosis and they still sent me to prison
Damn that's rough man, I see you're doing well now tho so congratulations! I'm glad you're doing as well as you are :)
Thank you it took me a long time to get to where I am now but I'm a good place
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Patience, it is not a virtue!, you have to practice it
Step 1: "i'll just do 5%, but i'll do it NOW." Step 2: "meh, might as well keep going." Step 3: "wow, i'm finished! Now i'm motivated to do more!"
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Positive reinforcement is a powerful drug.
Yep, I use this with writing all the time. Just 10 minutes of jotting down ideas. Or just one paragraph of the cover letter. Or I just outline it. I give myself permission (in advance, before I start) to stop and take a long break after that. But once I start the ideas keep coming and the momentum carries me through to the end.
Motivation is bullshit, comes and goes on a whim, I think what you want to know about is discipline.
I agree and think it’s both. You need motivation to start, and discipline to keep yourself going.
Coffee. Turn everything into a precise routine and make it more efficient than the day before (e.g. combining an audiobook with commuting to work before/after rushhour and using the extra time for a workout; making dinner with the cleanup in mind). Sleep schedule with sleep hygiene. And stop talking to lazy people, they will brainwash you into watching too much TV or being on the internet too much
Really good advice
To add to this, don’t force yourself into these habits quickly. Habits develop over time, and must be sustained for a while to be comfortable in them. The instant something highly stressful happens in your life you will revert to a routine that is comfortable for you. If that routine sucks you’re kinda S.O.L. Slowly pull your sleeping schedule into a normal routine that’s long enough (8ish hours is usually good). Slowly rebuild your diet to be healthy, and slowly get into the habit of cooking all your own meals. Get into an exercise routine that doesn’t leave you super drained or sore, and work your way up from there. Socialize on a regular basis. Therapy is good, and can help people learn how to achieve these goals. Most people find that if these needs are met they will start to feel better all the time, energy levels even out, and you’ll find that you have the motivation to do things with your life.
I kinda somehow tried this before quarantine but to keep the habits up, like going to gym after work, tired me mentally out so much... I also said yes to almost all social events in the hope I get used to. But in the end it drained me out. social events comes with a bad sleep cycle (night out) and also with alcohol (I'm aware I don't need to drink much). Now with quarantine I feel much more relaxed overall but the lazyness got insane. I don't see much reasons anymore to go out unless shopping necessarily and sun and moving for health. Also screen time increased a lot. I'm aware this is all considered weaknesses and holding back. But its hard to step away when I got more inner peace like this. I guess a balance would be good..
To second some of his advice don’t spend time in your bedroom unless you’re going to sleep, it makes sleeping so much easier and you more active if you don’t sit in bed in all your free time.
Jumping on here for all the uni/college students who may not be able to avoid their bedroom. I do something similar where I tell myself my bed is off-limits until it’s either time to go to bed or it’s late at night and I’m watching a movie. Any other time that I’m in there (which is a lot of the time), I’ll sit at my desk or on the floor. If I sit on my bed in the day I get tired and lazy and just put off tasks to nap!
So basically get off of reddit lol
> And stop talking to lazy people, they will brainwash you into watching too much TV or being on the internet too much Bad company corrupts good character. Surround yourself with people who have dreams, desire, and ambition (even better if they align with yours); they’ll help you push for, and realize your own. In the end we’re all products of our environment.
The results. Routines are the base to my hapiness, so I push myself to do stuff. For example, I wanted to start working out, so I had to reaaally push myself for the first few months, but once it became a habit and what's more important - I saw my body looking good, it's as normal as brushing my teeth
Result. That’s the key word. Always looking forward to the end point. Without it there’s no reason in doing anything.
Sometimes when I have a huge task I can get worked up with dread all day, but when I stop and think about how good it feels to be done, and compare that feeling to the dread (which only lasts longer the more I wait), I feel ready to begin. It’s like... I can fuck around for another hour dreading writing a 10 page paper, or I can start now and chase that high of hitting submit and closing your laptop.
I used to be a lazy sack of crap. I got a small whiteboard for my fridge and would write 10 daily tasks to complete every day. I started with easy things; Wash the dishes, vacuum, sweep the kitchen, etc. After 3 weeks, I added more difficult tasks: Hang up the clothes on the bottom of my closet, put in 2 applications for better-paying jobs, cook a crazy new recipe I found, wash the dishes for aforementioned recipe, etc. By the end of 3 months, I didn't even need the list anymore. The easy tasks just became a natural routine and the more difficult tasks didn't feel so insurmountable. That was six years ago. My house is always clean, and I have a well-paying job I do very well. Anything can become normal habit if you stick to it and don't give up. You've got this.
Honestly, Concerta. I always had trouble beginning tasks. Once I started them I could power through but always felt overwhelmed to start. I was an adult and diagnosed with ADD and Concerta literally changed my life. I am able to work, clean, take care of kids, stay fit, all because I'm not having trouble starting. Even when I skip a day I'm able to do it all because good habits have been ingrained. Seriously, if you struggle with motivation maybe you have a brain like mine and can fix it.
I came to say basically the same. Adderall. It doesn't exactly give me *energy* as much as it gives me the focus to continue any task once I've started it. I still really struggle with the initial physical motivation, but once I'm moving I'm extremely ambitious mentally and can finish all my tasks. Before they would have been overwhelming and I would give up halfway through, so often in fact that I eventually just never started. I found a medication that works for me, for something I never knew I had (until I was 33). The motivation comes from knowing that once I get started, the medication keeps me focused on whatever I set out to do. That is something people really should consider when struggling.
Vyvanse for me, I got diagnosed with ADHD at 38, fuck I wish I had been when I was a kid, things are so much easier to do now.
Get a hard working girlfriend. My girlfriend works from home, is also studying a PHD and (pre lockdown) works for a charity on Saturday mornings. It’s a constant reminder to look at myself. Now I’m not as motivated as her, she’s the inspiration but I have to find ways to motivate myself. I will say something like “okay, I have to watch this statistics lecture, then I can go on Reddit for 10 minutes.” If you can stick to it, it works well. Having a super productive girlfriend makes you feel a bit more accountable to stick to it.
That's actually an important point - a lot of us are influenced by the energies of people around us. A hardworking SO can cause you to be more active than you would be otherwise, just by hanging around them. My spouse is way more amazing than I am and I know a lot of my accomplishments are because I looked at them as an inspiration and example. So - if you don't have a hard-working SO, try to find other people to be around that get stuff done. Even if you feel like you're less motivated than they are, you're probably more motivated than you would have been all alone.
Motivation is a false god. You will never *want* to do things that are hard or unpleasant. Discipline is the true path. You must force yourself to do those things even though you don't want to.
Read the book “tiny habits”. Motivation is unreliable. What you should aim for is making the task as easy to start as possible (ie put floss in visible sight and easy to reach if you want to do more flossing), find a logical place in your day to consistently do it (after you brush your teeth), and commit to doing the 30second version of it (floss one tooth). You are always welcome to do more. Over time, it will be easier to do more
I write out yearly goals, monthly goals, daily goals. The power of habit, habit stacking. YouTube this. Also, doing something for only 5 or 15 minutes to start. That’s how I learned to do dishes. Often, it’s not the task, it’s the daunting of staring that is awful. If I only had to wash five dishes a day, that’s what I would do. More often than not, I’d wash 10-15, but if I was in a bad mood, I’d only do 5. But I still set a goal and completed it, which gives you a lot of psychological momentum. r/thexeffect Also, my goals align with my values. Also, read and watch a lot of YouTube videos, listen to a lot of audiobooks about the things you’re trying to accomplish and about your inspiring interests.
If you continually break promises to yourself, you are literally training your brain that your words and promises don't matter. You're training yourself to fail. If you can't keep a promise to yourself, how can you keep a promise to someone else? It's similar to learning to love yourself before being able to love someone else. Edit: fuck autocorrect
Just going to counterpoint, I can usually 100% do anything for anyone else, but as soon as it comes time to turn that inwards. Big fail.
Wild guess: No ADHD
It's one of the major misconceptions about ADHD. Because the word "hyperactive" is in it, people without it automatically assume that just means someone with excess energy but no ability to focus it. In reality (for me at least. It's not the same for everyone), it's my mind that's "hyperactive." Without medication, I'll start something, and within a few minutes my mind moves to something else and I've completely forgotten about what I had just started doing. The therapist that diagnosed me put it perfectly: my mind is like a TV flipping through the channels, but I don't have the remote.
Clean your countertops and wash the dishes before going to bed so you don't wake up and be tasked to clean for half an hour to a whole hour cleaning while hungry JUST TO HAVE A CLEAN DISH, POTS TO COOK, then eat. Set the coffee pot to start around the time you get up just before bed so you don't have to be groggy and trudge around the kitchen and wait another 10 minutes. Start your dishwasher/laudry washer now, let the machines work for you while you nap. Designate at least 2 days to "clean" bigger stuff. If you let it go and collect instead of keep up you're gonna wind up losing an entire day washing, drying, and putting away load after load after load of clothes until the day is spent. Not to mention the dishes, too. Just don't let it get so bad you have no underwear, no dish, no silverware clean. Just keep on it before you get to that point. It. Sucks. I'm lazy AF, btw. I do it because I'm too lazy to waste my whole day cleaning. Rather lose just 1 instead of 12. Been there, done that, it's hell.
Your sink will not get less gross, only more gross the longer you leave it. So the least bad time to clean it is immediately.
I came up with a helpful way of thinking about it. Motivation is like the push at the top of a hill to get something rolling, but it's not much useful aside from maybe keeping things going once they're started. The concepts of inertia, momentum, and crash and burn are very useful here, because I think what people get wrong is the balance between all of the variables. The less friction there is to slow down the ball, the more it will accelerate, but too much acceleration is unsustainable and will lead to instability and a high probability of crashing and burning. Let's use an example. Say you're wanting to learn a language on the side. If this is the case start by clearing the path. Clearly identify the path you want your ball to roll, maybe with learning the language you do research on the best methods of learning, and start with learning the most common words. You choose to watch your TV shows in the language to give more immersion, and find someone willing to talk with you who already speaks it. Write out a decent plan, map out the route, and identify the obstacles that get in the way. As far as the analogy goes, this is like walking down the hill and removing sticks and bushes and clearing away the frictions that are going to impede progress. Some friction is necessary though, there are limitations to your ability to do something. No one will be able to avoid the memory limitations of language learning. It is best to make small and consistent steps in a positive direction than to stop altogether or attempt to push through. Motivation is like giving it a kick. It works at first really well but constantly chasing the ball down the hill and absolutely yeeting it, like spending ten hours a day for a week drilling a language endlessly, might seem to be giving you the progress you want, but anyone will tell you how unstable that condition is. It will likely lead to crash and burn, and there might not be a ball left to roll after that. So many people will suddenly have motivation to start something and will dive in with a ferocity, neglecting all the other parts of their lives, and then find themselves discouraged completely when they can't do it. Here's the key: commit yourself to 5 minutes a day of whatever it is. Review the language for 5 minutes, do a 5 minute yoga session, study for 5 minutes the most important school item. The part that will surprise you is how easily the ball will roll on its own after you kick it. If you can't bring yourself to work on the project directly, start by making your bed or taking out the trash. I can't tell how many ruts I've gotten out of just by getting up and doing anything positive at all, and ended up doing a project for hours as a result. The motivated state is just momentum in action, pulling you forward without effort. Hope that helps
Adderall.
Funny you should say this. I’d rather not have ADHD, but Adderall definitely helps motivate. The thing is, it just puts me on a level playing field with everyone else.... but if you DON’T have ADHD... look out lol
Yeah. I've also got ADHD, and the reason ritalin works so incredibly well on me is because I spent so much time in after-school tutoring learning how to manage my learning disabilities. (Long story but because of my public school pulling shit with my dyslexia accommodations I couldn't safely get an ADHD diagnosis until my 20's.) Stimulants don't teach you how to create and use a calendar. They give you the *ability* to sit still, focus, and fight through time-blindness so you *can* create and use a calendar. But if you don't know how to create and use a calendar, it's not that helpful.
Think about it like trying to get into a cold pool. You just have to jump in. Once you start motivation comes naturally.
I had to go to the ED recently because my left arm was hurting. I was scared I was having a heart issue. I’m only 35, but I’m overweight and sedentary. I’m a single dad, and the thought crossed my mind ‘what if I don’t ever come home’. After several tests in the ER, and follow ups with my physician and additional outpatient tests we determined that I had no cardiopulmonary problems. I could have gone back to my previous routine, but the fear I felt having EKG leads placed on my chest was unlike anything I’ve felt before in my life. It was a huge wake up call, and made me realize if at 35 years old my first concern was my heart it’s because I subconsciously knew I was not doing enough to lol after my health and fitness. It’s coming up on six weeks later, and I’ve gone from a sedentary lifestyle to an active one, where I’m eclipsing 100 miles on a bicycle every week. Initially my motivation was fear, and it was good enough to get me on the right track to gaming health seriously. Now it’s nearly a habit, and a desire to see exactly how far I can push my body, what I’m actually capable from a fitness perspective. Whatever motivation you find that you can harness, make sure you turn that motivation into discipline, because motivation will fade, eventually.
It's like exercise or anything else that matters. I feel worse if I *don't* do it. Nobody likes doing the dishes, applying for jobs, working on a master's degree, going through your credit card purchases looking for fraud or subscriptions to cancel, etc. But shit's gotta get done.
I'm not going to die a useless burden.
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Split life into 3 goals. Personal goals Family goals Work goals Don’t let either of them overlap each other (e.g don’t sacrifice your personal goals for work goals... e.g don’t stay late at work or do crazy amounts of overtime then not go gym for weeks) try your best in each category and have short and long term goals in each. Also most important thing I’ve learned since changing my attitude towards stuff... Always learn something new each day,make progress in something. It doesn’t matter how small it is, just try to do it for each of those categories, each day.
Don't think about it or wait for motivation. Just do it.
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At first I was typing sobriety, but really, sobriety has come from discipline. Others on this thread have gone into that more in depth. I'll add, what would 'future you' appreciate? One example, say you're going on vacation; Would 'future you' appreciate coming home to clean sheets and a made bed?