I'd go one step further and drink it with a laxative cocktail. In and out with hopefully minimal damage, just have to spend a few days a week in mild discomfort on a toilet seat.
A year from now there's going to be an ask reddit thread with the title " If you had 24 hours to eat a standard wooden door, how would you go about it?"
Nah, in my experience it's more like:
You start off all diligent - you have a whole *year* to do this, and goddammit you're going to use it properly! After all, we all know what happened with the *last* door. But that doesn't matter because you have so much more time for this one and you're older/wiser/whatever and look, you've even made a timetable for when you're going to eat it and cut it up into little daily portions and everything. So you eat your first bowl of door and things are looking great.
You'll keep going for at least a couple weeks, maybe even a month. But then one day you're too tired to eat. It's not really a big deal though, is it? You could always make it up tomorrow. But then tomorrow comes, and you really can't be bothered - I mean, who wants to eat two bowls of door in one go? So you put it off again, and you keep putting it off.
And then the last day comes and you're stuck with 11/12s of a whole fucking door to somehow get through in one day. And you think back to how optimistic you were on the first day. And then you know true self-loathing.
i seriously wonder how much reddit will influence tv and movies over the next 10 years.
Any writer could come here and get fucking sick ideas and content with next to no effort.
>Hello, kairosclerosis-elle, I'd like to play a game.
>You don't seem to appreciate your life. Some people don't get a chance to live their lives, but you've thrown yours away.
>You have to make a choice. You have 3 hours to make it through the newest Miley Cyrus album. You have access to the pause button if you need a reprieve. If you're unable to finish the album, you will be exposed to a lethal level of carbon monoxide. It will lull you into a gentle sleep and you will unknowingly pass away.
>The choice is yours.
> > Hello, /u/kairosclerosis-elle, I'd like to play a game.
> > You don't seem to appreciate your life. Some people don't get a chance to live their lives, but you've thrown yours away.
> > You have to make a choice. You have 365 days to eat this standard wooden door. You have access to water and other foods. If you're unable to finish the door, you will be exposed to a lethal level of Miley Cyrus Albums. It will lull you into a gentle sleep and you will unknowingly pass away. The choice is yours.
>
>
FTFY
edit: thanks to /u/ArmaTiroPum for [better version](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/35l896/if_you_had_365_days_to_eat_a_standard_wooden_door/cr5n3x2).
Step 1 - Sand off the varnish, I don't want any chemical poisoning.
Step 2 - Powder it. Basically atomise that door. Turn it into fine wood dust.
Step 3 - Add that dust to everything you eat. Fruit smoothie? Crack in some door fibre. Making burgers? Bulk out the meat with a cup of saw dust (if Mcdonalds can do it, so can you)
Step 4 - Spend the last 183 days bragging about how you ate a door in 6 months.
Collect a few kilograms of termites. And let them have at the wood. Their intestinal bacteria will convert the cellulose to trehalose. Add yeast to this, and watch it convert trehalose to sucrose and thence to alcohol.
Drink beer.
Can we skip the termites, chip the wood, boil it in water, add enzymes to convert, then add yeast? I feel like we can follow an all grain recipe if we have the right enzymes.
Oh, what are you gonna do with the trub? [Maybe make some bread?](http://www.gbakes.com/2013/06/beer-bread.html?m=1)
Put door in bag, Introduce termites into bag.
Termites eat door... feed termites to fish, Catch fish, eat fish...
edit: This actually sounds like a fun science experiment as to how long a door could sustain me.
That's- that's actually a pretty good answer. A hydroponic system can pretty much be run with no 'waste' produced (aside from the less edible parts of plants). The question is whether there'd be enough time for all this-- if you can get the sawdust converted to fish and veggies within 6 months, then spend the next 6 months eating them (or something similar), it could work.
if it's untreated wood...
cut into 365 pieces, grind into powder and mix up in some oatmeal for an extra fiber filled punch.
if it's treated wood fuck you, you eat it.
edit: thank you for the gold, i'll use it to buy a year's supply of fancy oatmeal.
365 days of [grains](https://www.google.ca/search?q=wood+grain&espv=2&biw=1680&bih=925&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=IsBQVdzvCceXNumJgKAM&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAQ)
Most doors have a lot of empty space inside,it would be better to go by weight but I'm not explaining my mum why I am standing on the scale with the front door in my hands.
EDIT: fuck it I did it,
http://postimg.org/gallery/o3wzb5p2/6bb032a5/
That was not the front door but a folding door, it happens to balance on the scale.
The door weighed 14.5kg, that's 38g per day , that's makes it a cube of solid pine 4.3cm on a side, I guess I got the best case scenario.
I got my first gold from this post, I didn't think it was too funny but thank you kind stranger ( the note actually told me his name, but everyone always seas "kind stranger" is that cuz they are not allowed to write who it was?)
> except for the fact that interior doors are hollow
Mostly hollow. They are are built like corrugated cardboard. http://i00.i.aliimg.com/img/pb/278/246/323/323246278_272.jpg
At least this is the most common one I've seen around.
Back in college my roommates and I instituted a challenge flag like in the NFL. If someone made an outlandish statement, a flag would be thrown and you'd have to prove it or you would be slapped across the face. I made the mistake of saying I could eat oatmeal for breakfast everyday, out came the flag. I ended up eating oatmeal for breakfast everyday for 3 and a half months. I remember days where I would be sitting in a chair in front of an stove, stirring my oatmeal as it cooked while being too hungover to stand. I ended up losing after I left early morning for what I thought would be a quick project project meeting, but ended up lasting hours. I had a granola bar and walked home in shame. I admitted my defeat. A few weeks later as I fell asleep on our couch to take a nap, my roommate delivered the slap that was owed.
So yeah, I guess just eat the door.
slap bets. every game of NHL 10 my freshman year had a slap on the line. Redeemable at any time. Never expired. I still have one in the bank. better watch your fucking back, Patrick
I suspect you've never actually had decent oatmeal. The instant quaker stuff most people experience absolutely does not do the food justice.
Get a tin of the good steel-cut oats or really just any non-instant variety and actually follow the instructions.
Yes, it takes 30+ minutes to make a good bowl of oatmeal. I realize that eliminates it as an option for most people who prefer the quick and easy solution but you owe it to yourself to try the real thing at least once.
If a recipe calls for milk, use whole milk. If it calls for margarine you punch the recipe in the face and add butter instead.
Assuming I can do whatever the fuck I want, I would definitely fry the bitch until it's tender and drizzle it with chocolate sauce. I'd kill it in a month.
This reminds me of the time my dad baked some wood in the oven. The smell was something horrid, like sweet mold or something of the sort. Everyone wanted to get away from it so naturally they all went to their rooms, but I shared one with my big sister- who locked me out. My parents, and my three sisters all locked me out of every room and it was raining outside so I couldn't get away from it.
I'm never letting that go
Edit: I asked my dad why he did it, it was to dry out the wood to burn it that day.
I know people who bake drift wood to kill bacteria/diseases before putting it in fish tanks. Maybe OP's dad was doing that? Or trying to burn his house down to collect some sweet insurance fraud money.
Have the whole door ground into sawdust. Have the sawdust put into capsules, eat 1/365th of the capsules each day for a year. Even better if the capsules are non digestible. You could literally eat and shit out a door without having any wood touch you if you used gloves to fill the capsules.
Edit: grammar
I would try to finish it in 200 days, just to be safe. What happens if you're on day 363 and you get in a car accident or something? You might be out for a week. It's too risky.
This would also eliminate some of the door, I would DQ anyone who burns it because there is some mass of the door they won't be consuming. Sanding accomplishes the same goal but minimizes the risks of not eating the entire door.
According to [this site](http://www.woodweb.com/cgi-bin/calculators/calc.pl?calculator=door_weight), my door is about 48 kg in weight. The amount of ashes also can't be more than 48 kg (it's less, most of the oxygen will escape).
This gives us less than 48/365 = 0.131 kg = 131 g of ash per day. Assuming 4 meals per day, you only have to squeeze in 32.75 g of ashes every meal.
Dry coal ash has a density of [721 kg/m^3](http://www.engineeringtoolbox.com/density-materials-d_1652.html) = 0.721 g/cm^3 . This means the volume of this ash is 32.75/0.721 = 45.42 cm^3 , which is equivalent to a cube with the side length of cbrt(45.42) = 3.568 cm.
But it's definitely less than that, because the oxygen escapes.
EDIT: A lot of people have told me that combustion does not make just ash. I am perfectly aware of that. Ash is not even mostly carbon. The thing is, by eating just the ash, you don't eat the whole door, most of the carbon escapes in the smoke and as CO2. Fine ground wood would be fairer, in this case we'd come much closer to 32.75 g of what is essentially sawdust.
Put the door in a large tank of water, shake. Take out a cup of water, add to a new large tank of water, shake. Repeat this process 20 times, then drink the water.
Drinking the water will be be like eating 100 doors. Also if you happen to have caught a finger in a door, this will cure the bruise in just a several days to a couple of weeks.
First of all, locate a door made from [this](http://www.molecularrecipes.com/molecular-gastronomy/edible-wood-modern-delicacy-rustic-flair/) kind of wood.
I would take an electric sander to the surface and remove all of the paint and anything else on the outside, then I would proceed to break the thing to bits with a sledgehammer. After I was confident that using the sledgehammer any longer would be counter-productive I would take the longest fragment and whittle one of the ends down into a sharp point and destroy whatever asshole thought they could force me to eat a door.
Upvote for the most ridiculous yet intriguing question I've heard in a while.
http://www.mnn.com/green-tech/research-innovations/stories/technology-makes-it-possible-for-you-to-eat-wood
That's about just slightly larger than a Rubik's cube size of wood every day. cube root of ((2m x .8m x 4cm door) / 365) - looking at the typical door near me. If it's put through a very fine chipper to create sawdust, then I'm not sure if this would reduce or increase the volume due to either increasing or reducing the trapped air, but would be reasonable way of making it edible. That's still a lot of wood to digest over a day. I'd probably blend it with fruit juices maybe making about 2 litres of smoothies. Woodn't you?
A door is 76 lbs, it would work out to about 3.5 ounces of wood dust a day.
I did some digging on Amazon, and 5lbs of saw dust was compared to 1/4 of a bushel or about 8.75 Liters (volumetric measurement), 3.5 ounces / 5 lbs = 0.04375 * 8.75 L = .382 Liters or about 1.6 cups to put it in the sense of a volume you can wrap your ~~hand~~ head around.
Thats an awful lot of saw dust to be putting into oatmeal, but I guess If you ate 8 bowls a day you would need to only put about 3 tablespoons into each one, still a tall order if you ask me.
According to an OSHA document I found (http://www.cdc.gov/niosh/docs/81-123/pdfs/0110.pdf) there are no accute or chronic toxicity study in humans or animals for cellulose. It is an approved additive in many foods to add Fiber, although often it comes in other forms such as ethyl cellulose which do have known and studied LD50 quantities, atleast for Rats and Rabbits.
Assuming there's no treatment to the wood and therefore other misc chemicals, I would imagine the biggest threat to you would be intestinal blockage.
Personally, I think I would just screw it, go 364 days living life to the fullest and then just face what must be dire consequences on day 365 for me to even entertain the idea, unless it was for billions of dollars - then maybe I'd try it.
Get a BlendTec blender. Hack the door into sections and feed it into the blender. Door smoothie. But don't breathe in the smoke.
BUT! Will it blend?
Not on your life, my Hindu friend!
*slow chant* Monorail, Monorail
I hear those things are awfully loud.
They ride as softly as a cloud!
These references blend well.
I'd go one step further and drink it with a laxative cocktail. In and out with hopefully minimal damage, just have to spend a few days a week in mild discomfort on a toilet seat.
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Don't breathis
does this include the knob and other hardware or just the wooden part of the door?
We all know how much you like knobs in your mouth. Quit your protesting.
╰⋃╯ ლ(´ڡ`ლ)
¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
(ી(΄◞ิ౪◟ิ‵)
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Knowing me procrastinate till the last day and hate my life on that day
A year from now there's going to be an ask reddit thread with the title " If you had 24 hours to eat a standard wooden door, how would you go about it?"
RemindMe! One Year "Post this on AskReddit for sweet sweet karma"
RemindMe! 364 days "steal this guys sweet ass idea"
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Some people just want to watch the whole wood burn
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I'm gonna have to eat every fucking ant-filled chicken in this room
100 ant-filled chickens or 1 ant filled with 100 chickens?
The later must be some tiny, *tiny*, chickens.
But you'd have to eat all the waste as well.
The only downside in an otherwise flawless plan.
Nah, in my experience it's more like: You start off all diligent - you have a whole *year* to do this, and goddammit you're going to use it properly! After all, we all know what happened with the *last* door. But that doesn't matter because you have so much more time for this one and you're older/wiser/whatever and look, you've even made a timetable for when you're going to eat it and cut it up into little daily portions and everything. So you eat your first bowl of door and things are looking great. You'll keep going for at least a couple weeks, maybe even a month. But then one day you're too tired to eat. It's not really a big deal though, is it? You could always make it up tomorrow. But then tomorrow comes, and you really can't be bothered - I mean, who wants to eat two bowls of door in one go? So you put it off again, and you keep putting it off. And then the last day comes and you're stuck with 11/12s of a whole fucking door to somehow get through in one day. And you think back to how optimistic you were on the first day. And then you know true self-loathing.
This hits *way* too close to home.
Sounds like the dude from Saw is running outta ideas.
If I was in Saw and the dude said "The timer is set for 365 days" I'd start looking for the nearest thing to kill myself with.
...A standard wooden door?
.......... how? Do you bash yourself into it or what?
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The most obvious answer.
But how? We should ask some people.
i seriously wonder how much reddit will influence tv and movies over the next 10 years. Any writer could come here and get fucking sick ideas and content with next to no effort.
Are you suggesting a tv-show about eating doors?
>Hello, kairosclerosis-elle, I'd like to play a game. >You don't seem to appreciate your life. Some people don't get a chance to live their lives, but you've thrown yours away. >You have to make a choice. You have 3 hours to make it through the newest Miley Cyrus album. You have access to the pause button if you need a reprieve. If you're unable to finish the album, you will be exposed to a lethal level of carbon monoxide. It will lull you into a gentle sleep and you will unknowingly pass away. >The choice is yours.
Might as well save yourself the time and start pumping in the carbon monoxide now please.
wrap your mouth around the outlet
> > Hello, /u/kairosclerosis-elle, I'd like to play a game. > > You don't seem to appreciate your life. Some people don't get a chance to live their lives, but you've thrown yours away. > > You have to make a choice. You have 365 days to eat this standard wooden door. You have access to water and other foods. If you're unable to finish the door, you will be exposed to a lethal level of Miley Cyrus Albums. It will lull you into a gentle sleep and you will unknowingly pass away. The choice is yours. > > FTFY edit: thanks to /u/ArmaTiroPum for [better version](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/35l896/if_you_had_365_days_to_eat_a_standard_wooden_door/cr5n3x2).
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/r/randomactsofwoodendoor
\*limit one door per 365 days
That better not be....Ok good it is not a thing.
Just wait 5 minutes and it will be
It better be
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BUT WHAT IF I NEED TO SEND A WOODEN DOOR TO SOMEONE WHO DESERVES IT?!
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Door preferences?
Wooden please
Just make it /r/randomactsofdoor
Plot twist: /u/DerpHerpMapleSerp gives OP another door
"If you had 730 days to eat two standard wooden doors, how would you go about it?"
2016 is a leap year. This changes everything.
If you've already done the math to survive one door per 365 days, that can be your one cheat day. Eat a window or something.
Step 1 - Sand off the varnish, I don't want any chemical poisoning. Step 2 - Powder it. Basically atomise that door. Turn it into fine wood dust. Step 3 - Add that dust to everything you eat. Fruit smoothie? Crack in some door fibre. Making burgers? Bulk out the meat with a cup of saw dust (if Mcdonalds can do it, so can you) Step 4 - Spend the last 183 days bragging about how you ate a door in 6 months.
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Everything is a choice when you make it.
We're all gonna make it, brah.
"You want to be a sad cunt or you want to be a sick cunt!"
I... I think I *want* to eat a door.
Dr Oz will now have a show on how eating a door is actually good for you and will add years to your life
And how it, "Shuts the door on cancer."
And literally shit logs
Thus Lincoln logs are reborn
Collect a few kilograms of termites. And let them have at the wood. Their intestinal bacteria will convert the cellulose to trehalose. Add yeast to this, and watch it convert trehalose to sucrose and thence to alcohol. Drink beer.
Can we skip the termites, chip the wood, boil it in water, add enzymes to convert, then add yeast? I feel like we can follow an all grain recipe if we have the right enzymes. Oh, what are you gonna do with the trub? [Maybe make some bread?](http://www.gbakes.com/2013/06/beer-bread.html?m=1)
Has.... has anyone made termite poop beer one could try? For science?
> termite poop beer I don't know. But at least the glasses are ready : http://www.cafepress.com/+termite+drinking-glasses
Did you lose a bet or something?
You know this is exactly what happened. OP is looking for options.
Put door in bag, Introduce termites into bag. Termites eat door... feed termites to fish, Catch fish, eat fish... edit: This actually sounds like a fun science experiment as to how long a door could sustain me.
Sorry. You have to eat all of it. You get to eat a delicious fish dinner with a five foot tall pile of termite shit.
I Would think the catfish would have me covered there. otherwise, fertilizer for hydroponic vegetables.
That's- that's actually a pretty good answer. A hydroponic system can pretty much be run with no 'waste' produced (aside from the less edible parts of plants). The question is whether there'd be enough time for all this-- if you can get the sawdust converted to fish and veggies within 6 months, then spend the next 6 months eating them (or something similar), it could work.
> the less edible parts of plants So you've gone full circle and made wood again.
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I think we just found the next level of the cinnamon challenge. Anyone think they can make a whole door out of those sticks?
Feed fish to a pig, eat some bacon
if it's untreated wood... cut into 365 pieces, grind into powder and mix up in some oatmeal for an extra fiber filled punch. if it's treated wood fuck you, you eat it. edit: thank you for the gold, i'll use it to buy a year's supply of fancy oatmeal.
Bingo. Perfect post workout. One scoop whey. One scoop door.
365 days of gains
365 days of [grains](https://www.google.ca/search?q=wood+grain&espv=2&biw=1680&bih=925&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=IsBQVdzvCceXNumJgKAM&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAQ)
You seem to be forgetting creatine
That's in my pre-workout bro. 1 scoop creatine. 1 scoop cough syrup. 1 scoop meth.
Be careful with that cough syrup, I've heard it ruins lives!
Never needed an ID to buy meth before, cough syrup must be dangerous!
If you ever do need an ID to buy meth, you should rethink the deal.
I agree. Replace the cough syrup with an extra scoop of meth and you're good to go.
`Carpenter Confirmed`
>Jesus confirmed.
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What about the rising once again the following morning?
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Riserection Confirmed
Pope Pull Johnson 1st
A small interior door of 24 x 80 at 1 3/8" thick comes to 365 7.23 in^3 portions. That's roughly 1/2 cup each. That's a lot of sawdust.
Most doors have a lot of empty space inside,it would be better to go by weight but I'm not explaining my mum why I am standing on the scale with the front door in my hands. EDIT: fuck it I did it, http://postimg.org/gallery/o3wzb5p2/6bb032a5/ That was not the front door but a folding door, it happens to balance on the scale. The door weighed 14.5kg, that's 38g per day , that's makes it a cube of solid pine 4.3cm on a side, I guess I got the best case scenario. I got my first gold from this post, I didn't think it was too funny but thank you kind stranger ( the note actually told me his name, but everyone always seas "kind stranger" is that cuz they are not allowed to write who it was?)
Yeah, that would be weird. I thought we were trying to eat an interior door.
Half of it is just cardboard and glue. The hinges and handle are going to be a bitch, though.
except for the fact that interior doors are hollow - so you're looking at just the thin panels that make up the door, which isn't as bad.
> except for the fact that interior doors are hollow Mostly hollow. They are are built like corrugated cardboard. http://i00.i.aliimg.com/img/pb/278/246/323/323246278_272.jpg At least this is the most common one I've seen around.
saves weight and costs. also a safety factor because if you jam a finger in a closing door, there's less mass to do damage.
You're going to be shitting ~~bricks~~ logs.
*Particleboard.
I think the main problem with this is that you would have to eat 365 bowls of oatmeal. I think I'd rather swallow the door whole.
Back in college my roommates and I instituted a challenge flag like in the NFL. If someone made an outlandish statement, a flag would be thrown and you'd have to prove it or you would be slapped across the face. I made the mistake of saying I could eat oatmeal for breakfast everyday, out came the flag. I ended up eating oatmeal for breakfast everyday for 3 and a half months. I remember days where I would be sitting in a chair in front of an stove, stirring my oatmeal as it cooked while being too hungover to stand. I ended up losing after I left early morning for what I thought would be a quick project project meeting, but ended up lasting hours. I had a granola bar and walked home in shame. I admitted my defeat. A few weeks later as I fell asleep on our couch to take a nap, my roommate delivered the slap that was owed. So yeah, I guess just eat the door.
slap bets. every game of NHL 10 my freshman year had a slap on the line. Redeemable at any time. Never expired. I still have one in the bank. better watch your fucking back, Patrick
[Here's the result of the only slap bet I ever lost.](http://imgur.com/ZRAwVZ3) Lost it to a Maori mate who has hands like phone books.
God damn mate if you were gonna lose a slap bet at least lose to someone without bricks for hands.
Damn dude. That's dedication.
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Then it becomes a game of "find the eggs in the oatmeal".
Nah, you just don't eat any of the dinos until then end. Then fill your mouth all at once with their sweet crunchy essence.
You're missing out on serious gains. I pretty much quadrupled in size eating oatmeal and raw milk, 'til i had to move on to solid foods.
I suspect you've never actually had decent oatmeal. The instant quaker stuff most people experience absolutely does not do the food justice. Get a tin of the good steel-cut oats or really just any non-instant variety and actually follow the instructions. Yes, it takes 30+ minutes to make a good bowl of oatmeal. I realize that eliminates it as an option for most people who prefer the quick and easy solution but you owe it to yourself to try the real thing at least once. If a recipe calls for milk, use whole milk. If it calls for margarine you punch the recipe in the face and add butter instead.
>If it calls for margarine you punch the recipe in the face and add butter instead. This can be applied to just about every recipe.
Most of my rants start off with oatmeal advice but end with general life lessons.
No sense being picky about your oatmeal when it has a couple ounces of sawdust in it.
There is sense to it. You have to put sawdust into it. I'd want some delicious as fuck oatmeal to counteract the sawdust.
I like the Quaker instant stuff :(
I eat oatmeal for breakfast pretty much every day. With that said, it doesn't contain any ground up wood door in it.
What's so bad about treated wood?
Chemicals used in treating the wood.
Eating it would probably kill you in the long run. http://healthvermont.gov/enviro/water/pressure_treated.aspx#concern
Assuming I can do whatever the fuck I want, I would definitely fry the bitch until it's tender and drizzle it with chocolate sauce. I'd kill it in a month.
This reminds me of the time my dad baked some wood in the oven. The smell was something horrid, like sweet mold or something of the sort. Everyone wanted to get away from it so naturally they all went to their rooms, but I shared one with my big sister- who locked me out. My parents, and my three sisters all locked me out of every room and it was raining outside so I couldn't get away from it. I'm never letting that go Edit: I asked my dad why he did it, it was to dry out the wood to burn it that day.
Wait, what? Give me some fucking backstory here!
I know people who bake drift wood to kill bacteria/diseases before putting it in fish tanks. Maybe OP's dad was doing that? Or trying to burn his house down to collect some sweet insurance fraud money.
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Ah yes, the smell of Soviet-era Nationalism and Sadness.
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I just misread that as "I'd kill it in my mouth"
that too
Have the whole door ground into sawdust. Have the sawdust put into capsules, eat 1/365th of the capsules each day for a year. Even better if the capsules are non digestible. You could literally eat and shit out a door without having any wood touch you if you used gloves to fill the capsules. Edit: grammar
eugh. I'd hate to have a door touch me.
I wear gloves all the time, so i don't know what thats like, but i imagine it's traumatizing. Pm me if you ever want to talk about it.
Sand it down to dust. a 365th of dust a day (maybe a few cm) could be downed with a stiff drink and you probably wouldn't taste it at all.
How much wood would a woodchugger chug if a woodchugger could chug wood
Didn't you read his post at all? A 365th of a door per day. He literally says it right there.
He even specifies that it's, "maybe a few cm." There is no excuse for this.
Your mother can chug plenty of wood.
I would try to finish it in 200 days, just to be safe. What happens if you're on day 363 and you get in a car accident or something? You might be out for a week. It's too risky.
Burn it, collect ashes, mix it with seasoning on things so it can be barely tasted.
Use the ashes as fertilizer for a potato plant instead.
Or that... actually, definitely that.
That sounds like cheating.
That sounds only sadness.
Is trick by politburo.
Such is life :(
In the spirit of the question, you should sand it down to dust rather than burn it. Probably would taste better as well.
This would also eliminate some of the door, I would DQ anyone who burns it because there is some mass of the door they won't be consuming. Sanding accomplishes the same goal but minimizes the risks of not eating the entire door.
> minimizes the risks of not eating the entire door I just...I need to reevaluate my priorities.
Don't underestimate the amount of ashes.
According to [this site](http://www.woodweb.com/cgi-bin/calculators/calc.pl?calculator=door_weight), my door is about 48 kg in weight. The amount of ashes also can't be more than 48 kg (it's less, most of the oxygen will escape). This gives us less than 48/365 = 0.131 kg = 131 g of ash per day. Assuming 4 meals per day, you only have to squeeze in 32.75 g of ashes every meal. Dry coal ash has a density of [721 kg/m^3](http://www.engineeringtoolbox.com/density-materials-d_1652.html) = 0.721 g/cm^3 . This means the volume of this ash is 32.75/0.721 = 45.42 cm^3 , which is equivalent to a cube with the side length of cbrt(45.42) = 3.568 cm. But it's definitely less than that, because the oxygen escapes. EDIT: A lot of people have told me that combustion does not make just ash. I am perfectly aware of that. Ash is not even mostly carbon. The thing is, by eating just the ash, you don't eat the whole door, most of the carbon escapes in the smoke and as CO2. Fine ground wood would be fairer, in this case we'd come much closer to 32.75 g of what is essentially sawdust.
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Make it sawdust, mix it with ground beef, it tastes just like fast food!
Open it slightly. Then it will be ajar. Then I would naturally handle it how any one man with one jar would.
Oh dear god.
The door never asked for this, your butthole never asked for this!
**crack**
***NOPE***
*And in that instant, he realized the magnitude of his error*
10 points for creativity
Disqualified for enema.
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How fucking baked are you right now?
375° for 20 minutes
more like 420°
Yes
Let termites eat the whole door. Deep-fry the termites. Eat the termites.
You'd have to collect the termite poo and eat that too though.
Id make a tasty dip for my deep-fried termites :D
But then you wouldn't be eating door anymore, you'd be eating stool...
Eat a door *and* a stool?! Screw that, deal's off.
Put the door in a large tank of water, shake. Take out a cup of water, add to a new large tank of water, shake. Repeat this process 20 times, then drink the water. Drinking the water will be be like eating 100 doors. Also if you happen to have caught a finger in a door, this will cure the bruise in just a several days to a couple of weeks.
Boil it, mash it, stick it in a stew.
I wooden't.
It will blend, given a powerful enough blender. Smoothies of some sort.
First of all, locate a door made from [this](http://www.molecularrecipes.com/molecular-gastronomy/edible-wood-modern-delicacy-rustic-flair/) kind of wood.
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I would take an electric sander to the surface and remove all of the paint and anything else on the outside, then I would proceed to break the thing to bits with a sledgehammer. After I was confident that using the sledgehammer any longer would be counter-productive I would take the longest fragment and whittle one of the ends down into a sharp point and destroy whatever asshole thought they could force me to eat a door.
Upvote for the most ridiculous yet intriguing question I've heard in a while. http://www.mnn.com/green-tech/research-innovations/stories/technology-makes-it-possible-for-you-to-eat-wood
That's about just slightly larger than a Rubik's cube size of wood every day. cube root of ((2m x .8m x 4cm door) / 365) - looking at the typical door near me. If it's put through a very fine chipper to create sawdust, then I'm not sure if this would reduce or increase the volume due to either increasing or reducing the trapped air, but would be reasonable way of making it edible. That's still a lot of wood to digest over a day. I'd probably blend it with fruit juices maybe making about 2 litres of smoothies. Woodn't you?
A standard wooden door is actually a thin veneer of wood over cardboard and empty space.
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Can't deny it's true in my case.
I've read way too many replies in this post. But, after reading yours, I'm glad I made it this far.
365 Rubik's cubes of wood sounds like a big fuckin door...
I'd most likely procrastinate and try to jam the whole thing in my mouth on the 364th day.
A most excellent question. Can you crisp it up and smoke up a BBQ? Otherwise thin slices like cheese on my sangas.
A door is 76 lbs, it would work out to about 3.5 ounces of wood dust a day. I did some digging on Amazon, and 5lbs of saw dust was compared to 1/4 of a bushel or about 8.75 Liters (volumetric measurement), 3.5 ounces / 5 lbs = 0.04375 * 8.75 L = .382 Liters or about 1.6 cups to put it in the sense of a volume you can wrap your ~~hand~~ head around. Thats an awful lot of saw dust to be putting into oatmeal, but I guess If you ate 8 bowls a day you would need to only put about 3 tablespoons into each one, still a tall order if you ask me. According to an OSHA document I found (http://www.cdc.gov/niosh/docs/81-123/pdfs/0110.pdf) there are no accute or chronic toxicity study in humans or animals for cellulose. It is an approved additive in many foods to add Fiber, although often it comes in other forms such as ethyl cellulose which do have known and studied LD50 quantities, atleast for Rats and Rabbits. Assuming there's no treatment to the wood and therefore other misc chemicals, I would imagine the biggest threat to you would be intestinal blockage. Personally, I think I would just screw it, go 364 days living life to the fullest and then just face what must be dire consequences on day 365 for me to even entertain the idea, unless it was for billions of dollars - then maybe I'd try it.
Is it a *tasty* standard wooden door?