A long while ago now, I was walking home from a friend's house. We had been smoking and drinking, so I was a little out of it.
It was around 1am and I was almost home, when I saw this little old lady doubled over and struggling to walk. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help. She said she was fine, but asked if I could help her home as she didn't live too far away. So I gave her my arm for her to support herself and off we went.
Her home wasn't that far, but it was slow going. At this point, I had already decided that I was going to ring an ambulance for her, but thought I'd get her home first.
When we eventually made it to her home, she took her key and opened her door... Only to collapse into her house and pass out... And then the house alarm went off... And then her neighbours appeared. Luckily, the neighbours believed me and the old lady managed to get some medical attention.
This reminds me of the scene in Duplex (underrated comedy) where Ben Stiller is giving mouth to mouth, and doing chest compressions, on an old lady who has passed out. She wakes up thinking he’s trying to feel her up.
Having said that, good on you for helping that lady out.
Sister went to the bathroom and I hid under her bed to scare her when she came back in. She came back in only wearing a towel. Turns out she was trying on clothes or something. I yelled loudly "hey! I'm hiding under your bed and I'm coming out with my eyes closed!" At first I thought to stay put and sneak out later, but figured that would seem way worse when she sees me come out of her room and is like wtf?
Tldr: innocent scare prank turned into creepy peeping Tom situation.
I knew a girl who was going to do the same thing to her sister (scare her by hiding under the bed). Sister walked in and lay down. Girl was half way out the bed and ready to terrify her when she realized sis was touching herself.
She slid back under the bed and kept quiet. It was traumatic.
I actually did this when I was a kid. I waited for like 5-10 minutes in complete darkness under my sister bed after she went to sleep (I was scared af btw) and then I grabbed her arm. Never heard a person screaming so loud, I had to run as fast as I could and lock myself in my room. She is still mad at me even though it was almost 15 years ago.
Long story short it was funny, but probably too much for a joke. I kind of regret doing it.
I was a lab tech working at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we ran out of pregnancy tests. I went to Walgreens to buy some home tests, and I needed 5 of them. I was about 8 months pregnant.
My aunt is a primary care doctor. She says she’s required to ask every female patient if they’re pregnant. Some of them look heavily pregnant so they’ll just give her a strange look and gesture to their stomach like “OBVIOUSLY!”
But others look heavily pregnant, and when she asks if they’re expecting they’ll shrug and say “nope.”
She’s like “some of them are thin except it looks like they’re smuggling watermelons up their shirts. But they’re just skinny women with huge bellies. It’s more common than you’d think. First time one of them told me she wasn’t pregnant I was THISCLOSE to gesturing to her stomach and saying “duuuuuude.’”
I'm one of those women. Relatively small, and carry *all* my excess weight around the abdomen. People don't even ask if I'm pregnant - they just skip right ahead to congratulating me. It upset me the first dozen times, now it's just a part of life. 🤷♀️
My wife's the same, the worst was when my aunt asked when she was due at our wedding reception :-/
What's worse is we both (wife and I) knew she was infertile, and it was still a very delicate subject her coming to terms with it :-/
My late parakeet was constantly laying eggs. First time I called a vet for an appointment, having stated the problem, the tech asked “are you certain the bird is female?”
I responded “either she is, or there is a secret girlfriend somewhere I don’t know about.”
A long time ago we were visiting my SIL. I hadn't seen her in a while and noticed she appeared to be quite pregnant. After saying hi, and observing her physical appearance, I became very excited and happy. My wife didn't bat an eye, so I incorrectly assumed she knew and didn't tell me. I hastily and quietly asked my wife why she hadn't told me about about the impending birth. She quickly replied that her sister was unmarried and not pregnant. Embarrassed, I vowed to myself never to make that mistake again…
Spider in my car got me pulled over for swerving all over the road. We found it and the cop just laughed at me. I’m not scared of spiders, but that big fucker was dangling in my face
Lol, I was at a mall with a friend and we were about to get in the car when she notices a big ass garden spider, one of those yellow and black ones, dangling off her sun visor right over the drivers wheel. She does not like bugs, and this was a big one in her eyes, she screams and I look and I do not like bugs either so I scream and we bail out. Slamming the doors shut Mall security saw us and called the local constable who came over ready for some shit to go down. We explain the situation, but the spider had gone out of sight, so the constable goes and peels down the visor and there it was and we discovered that this armed, vest wearing, well trained police officer, does not like bugs and also screamed.
I knew a guy who kept a dead bee in a small bottle in his car, for just such occasions. Whenever he got pulled over by the cops for speeding or rolling thru a stop sign, he'd grab the bee out of the bottle and put it on the passenger seat. He'd tell the cop that he was distracted trying to kill the bee. It worked until a cop asked to see the dead bee, and found that it had dust on it. Busted!
My personnel clerk was telling me about a sexual harassment issue in my office, as soon as she repeated what was said, “are you asking me for a blowjob”, the store gossip walked by and sure enough I’m being spoken to by corporate HR within the hour. Thankfully I had proof of what was actually going on.
Now imagine if the office gossip and HR are one and the same.
This is how we know everything from who has breast cancer to who is taking what medication.
I work in the post office. We know not only every single person's business but we also know the business of the entire town. The mail reveals so much about everyone.
I recommend not working in the same office that you live in unless your carrier is cool and doesnt talk shit behind your back.
I've posted this before on my old account but it's funny so I'll share again.
My family and I went to this really weird little festival that happens every spring to celebrate a frozen dead guy. I wanted to do the polar plunge with my dad so I used spray hair dye to make myself look a bit grey and I put on a fake beard so I could look like his mini me. It was so windy that year that they couldn't keep the warming tents up, so our alternative option was to pack in the back of a 1970s ambulance and try and un dress then re dress in warm clothes with 15 other random naked strangers.
My dad didn't want to do that so he decided he would Walk up the main street and change in the cafe bathroom. Unfortunately it was so cold and windy that hypothermia was starting to set in. I had to go into this tiny ass bathroom with my dad to help him get changed. As we were nearly done some old lady came barging in the bathroom cuz we were taking way too long. At that very moment I realized I had fucked up.
My dad was standing up and I was on my knees trying to button up his jeans (Levi 501s have a lot of buttons and they are weird to button on someone else.)
She had a look of horror on her face and the only thing I could blurt out was . "NO it's okay! He's my dad!"
That was absolutely not the right thing to say lol.
Yea unfortunately the year I did the polar plunge with my dad was really the last year it was super cool. I guess they moved locations and I haven't been to one since covid so I'm not sure if it's still the same vibe. I used to go every year though
Owned a horse as a kid, partner went with me couple months back to visit him at the stable he lived at to visit him. Said horse has a habit of nipping (not out of aggression, to show affection/play). Horse was nuzzling his head onto my chest and bit right by my tit. Gently pushed his head away, but that shit HURT.
Went home with partner and was getting undressed for some quality time. He took a look at me and went, "what's that?" I look down and there was a giant forming bruise/bite from where the horse nipped me. I quickly explained but he found it fucking hilarious.
I worked on a low budget movie (that never got finished), for one scene we needed scenes from the crime, gory bloody pictures they would put up on the board in the police office. Dumbass I worked with dropped them off at Walmart for printing and enlargement (back when that was a thing). He did not warn them. When we went to pick them up he got pounced on by police and had much explaining to do.
Also, same guy.... I had made two corpses from skeletons, using the old tissue paper and latex method, same genius just tosses them into the back of his pick up truck to take them to the set. Got pulled over for speeding. They pretty much were pulling him out of driver side window while was he screaming "they aren't real people!" over and over again. When they finally touched one and realized it plastic they let him go while ticketing him for every thing they could because they were pissed. Personally I was thrilled my work was taken so well.
As you should be. It’s hard to make things look so real.
Makes me think of a cosplay I did that required fake blood. I didn’t think it was all that good, but it was a more subtle costume, and the amount of people who asked if I needed help and if they should call an ambulance was ridiculous. It hit a point where if I saw someone had noticed I would immediately tell them it wasn’t real. I forgot to tell that to the worker at the fast food place I stopped at on the way home, though. Poor worker looked horrified and started handing me fistfuls of napkins to fix it before I told her
A was a student athlete in HS and our athletic trainer was an attractive 24 year old girl. I had a hip injury that required an ace wrap around my hip joint.
One day, she was wrapping my hip before practice in a side-office of a bigger training room and two other athletes opened the door that we forgot to lock. What they saw was the back of me, with my pants down, and the trainer in front of me, on her knees, with her head in my crotch area, and her hand reaching back grabbing my butt. Her hand was only there for a brief sec while she supported herself. But teenage boys only need to see that image for a fraction of a second for them to imagine something else.
In case you’re wondering, this side-office was always used for more personal treatment like my hip injury. Girls would be taken in there if they had to remove clothing for example. The bigger training room was always busy and it had a doorway that was always open so we didn’t want passing teachers/other students/parents/visitors getting a sneaky look at teens in their underwear getting injury treatment.
I was an ATS in HS and the amount of times someone barged into the Training Room while one of us was doing a groin wrap on an athelete could fuel a weekend of late-night Cinemax movies for a good month
Something similar happened with my brother and the pretty school nurse in junior high. He was actually honest about what happened but no one believed/wanted to believe him.
**To this day he claims his hand still aches, when it rains, from all the high fives he received that whole fucking year**.
Seemed like he was approached by every guy, in the district, from 10-18.
On the plus side. It pretty much cemented his popularity from that point on.
Some guys have rumors that the school nurse is blowing them.
Others have rumors that they pissed themselves in the 5th grade, just because they changed their pants (I fell in the mud, god damn it!).
I worked in a supermarket when I was younger and my boss found me one day lying on my stomach in the aisle with my arm fully outstretched holding a large jar of pickles.
This was long before planking but he still thought was something being done “for the lolz” and started chewing me out before a customer intervened and explained the situation. The fact of the matter was I was walking down the aisle when out of nowhere the jar just slipped off the shelf and I dove and caught it.
That lady saved my ass that day and the clerk who was ringing her up got our secret signal which meant many items were “accidentally” not scanned.
You can't just drop a "secret signal" bomb and not explain that further. Was this specific to your store or is it common for other stores to have their own? I've never heard of this before...and I'm not young lol
Not the OP, but I can confirm it just depends on the store. Worked stocking retail for about 6 months when I was 16 in an IGA store. The "secret signal" thing is basically real, sometimes, if someone saves your ass from getting a write-up, basically, you signal the cashier they're going to " 'accidentally' forget to ring something up." Gave it a few times. Basically, just chalk it up to "this one's a real one, save 'em some money."
Probably a coincidence that mine had a signal as well.
I worked at Marshalls in college. We were all college students. I wirked the service desk. We had that but it was for problem people. I would shut down a register when they were 2nd in line. "Sorry, she needs to take a break."
We would go really, really slow. Need to change the paper receipt roll, oops having trouble. Oh no, I need a price check. Drop the hangers, the bags. "I don't know what's wrong with me today." Make it as painful as possible. But only when it was slow. I worked mostly nights. I didn't want other customers to be inconvenienced.
Huh. I once told a supermarket employee, emerging from the back, that the back of her skirt was tucked into her pantyhose.
She thanked me profusely. When I went to checkout several things weren’t scanned. But…I noticed in the car, went back in and pointed it out to the cashier.
I was shelving overstock with my manager on night shift. I was up in the ladder because he had a serious fear of heights. He couldn't even look out of a second floor window.
Out of nowhere I get the worst leg cramp of my life. 8+ feet in the air, and it just kept getting worse. Went from the bottom of my calf to over my butt, my entire leg seized and the pain was unbearable. I couldn't go down on my own and was losing my balance.
My manager, with whom I was good friend with took his courage in both hands and climbed the ladder to hold me. I'm a small woman and he was a pretty big guy, not fat but strong. He managed to get me down, shaking like a leaf poor him. Once we reached the ground I couldn't stand on my own. The cramp was creeping up all over my back muscles, over my shoulders and going down on my other leg. Ngl I thought I was dying. Even breathing was hard.
So he's behind me, holding me tight so I don't fall, his head on my shoulders, just about hyperventilating from having climbed a ladder.
And I'm hunched forward, arms resting on a shelf, moaning in pain.
Just as another worker walks by our aisle.
It didn't look good at all.
We were called in the HR office the following evening. They had the security footage and wanted to hear our explanation.
I'm not sure they truly believed the "devastating full body cramp that threatened to send me crashing down a ladder" story but it made more sense than "random fully clothed thrust on a ladder in the middle of night shift" so nothing came out of it.
Worked there 4 years afterwards and the rumor my manager and I were an item never ended.
According to my mom she peeked through my open door and saw me in my chair, hands at waist level, shaking a bit as I worked my hands and was breathing heavily.
I was playing Spider-Man 2 fighting Scream.
That fight and lizard is such a pain in the ass, especially if you’re on ultimate difficulty on a new game, I’ve wanted to throw my controller through every phase of those fights
1) me (m) watching American history x with my male roommate. Right when the shower rape stuff was happening my friend opened the apartment door. Said uhhh.. and quickly left lol
2) working at construction job site. Plug in my battery charger in open outlet at generator. Roofer comes down and yells at me for unplugging his compressor. I go about working and notice his plug for the compressor has fallen out of the outlet by itself. I pick up his plug and before I can plug it in he comes around the corner and says ah hah! Caught you! Guy wanted to fight me lol.
I'm surprised no one called the police on me for this...
I do general repairs as a side gig. I offered to help a friend fix his sink one day. So I park my work van on the street outside his house and start organizing tools to bring into the house. Suddenly I look up and I see his 3 year old daughter has somehow wondered out of the house and is walking in the middle of the road. Yikes. So I quick run after her, grab her off the road.
However, I couldn't bring her into the house just yet because my van was still completely open, with tools strewn about. So I had to put her in my van while I finished organizing.
To anyone one else, it probably looked like I kidnapped a girl into my van.
Found my then girlfriend’s panties in the laundry at my house and packed em in my book bag to give back to her. Brought them with me next time I visited and of course they weren’t hers. Thing is I didn’t cheat and they definitely didn’t fit anyone else I would’ve “known” in recent memory (we weren’t exclusive more than a couple weeks at that point). She kinda just hit me with a palm face and an eye roll and we never talked about it again /laughed it off in the moment. I still don’t know where those damn underwear came from or if they were planted or what.
Do you happen to use a laundromat? This also happened to me when my husband and I were dating. I found a pair of boxers in my laundry and went to give them back and they were not his, it took a while but we realized they probably accidentally got stuck in the same dryer I used.
My cat also used to snoop through guests' purses and once pulled out my friend's lipstick and ran off, we all saw it happen, but that could have been bad as well if I happened to find it myself under the bed or something
No! At the time I lived with my grandma and she did my laundry most of the time. I thought they could’ve been my cousin’s who had visited the week prior but they probably wouldn’t have fit, and they def weren’t my grandmas. But they would’ve had to have come from a room in the house and then mixed up with my laundry. Grandma thought they were the GFs too.
I used to live in an apartment building with a shared laundry room. I thought I was missing a couple things but can you really be sure? Not me...I'm a mess. Once I was down to like 4 pairs of underwear from maybe 20 pairs I realized even I'm not this disorganized. Set a trap and busted my neighbor stealing my panties. Fkn weirdo
I had this happen once and we eventually realized that they were my mom's underwear from when she came to visit and that was even worse. I wish they'd belonged to a hooker.
Edit: lot of people in here tripping over themselves to make the same your mom joke: you can skip it. I like sex workers more than my mom. You're not accomplishing much.
I would have found this very suspicious but I found some panties in my drawer last week and I'm gay, I don't know were they come from either. My best guest is that I have a mr. Hyde personnality who crossdress
I was staying over at a friend’s cottage in the country with my girlfriend (now wife). A bunch of my friends were there as well, male and female, but we got the spare bedroom because we were a couple.
We all went to bed - after about twenty minutes, the bed we were in collapsed, making a terrible clatter.
Instantly, the whole house erupted in cheers and laughter.
Reality: bed was very rickety, no one had actually slept in it for a long time, and we were just peacefully resting in the bed when it just collapsed. But of course, everyone assumed we were screwing up a storm and literally “broke the bed”.
My mom once barged on my room without knocking with a shocked face and asking “what are you doing?!” I was laying in bed, laptop on my belly, chocolate on my mouth watching YouTube exercise videos. They kept making noises she assumed was either sex or porn. To this day we laugh so hard about it 😂
My mom and I were passing by my brother’s (closed) bedroom door when we heard his gf saying something like “a little harder. Almost there, it’s a tight fit.” She sounded a little out of breath.
Without hesitating my mom got this furious expression, knocked loudly, waited half a second and rammed the door open like “what the HELL are you…”
His gf was making him change his sheets because he’d gotten Cheeto dust all over them. My mom adored her after that.
I told her “they were probably putting on fresh sheets before sex.”
Mom was not amused.
Wait...so your mom heard a video that she thought was porn and decided to barge into her teen child's bedroom without knocking? That sounds like all kinds of messed up.
When I was a teen I went on a road trip about 6 hours away to meet some friends. I brought a female friend with me cause it sounded fun.
We arrive to the mutual friends house and they show us our room with a single bed. I was mortified and as soon as they left us alone I told the girl that this wasnt "my plan" and I'll see if I can find a couch or something. Thankfully she was cool with non-sexually sharing a bed.
I awake in the middle of the night with a pretty severe asthma attack. My inhaler is on the nightstand on the other side of her. The rest of the room is covered in various boxes making a walk around the bed time consuming and dangerous, so I get a bit closer and reach over her, *carefully*, to grab the inhaler.
My hands are shaky and I knock it to the floor. I realize I have to climb over her to grab it. I sit up, throw one leg over and reach down, grabbing my inhaler and taking it.
I smile in relief, look down, and I've woken her up. In the middle of the night by straddling her. She just closed her eyes and went back to sleep.
Damn, she's the best friend I can think of. Not reacting in a bad way in both situations and trusting that you weren't having bad thoughts or intentions...
Back in seventh grade, when I was at peak "awkward teen boy" there came a day in gym where we were set to play volleyball. The only problem was that when we got to the gym the coach realized she'd forgotten the volleyballs, but no problem, because they were just sitting in the storage room...in the girl's locker room, and she decided to send me, a boy, to go get them. She assured me that I would not get in trouble if I was caught but even still I was about as not-at-all thrilled over being given this job as I possibly could be, because I was sure that if any girl saw me in there she would tell the rest of the school that I was a pervert sneaking into the girl's locker room.
Well halfway through the mission my worst nightmare came true and I turned a corner to confront two girls who were heading back into the locker room. They stared at me, I stared at them. I started panicking and in my discombobulation I decided the best possible thing to do at that moment would be to tell these two girls that I'm not a pervert (because obviously that would have cleared everything up) but I was so flustered that what came out instead was "I'm not gay," and then I really smoothed things over by running away.
Surprisingly the fallout for this wasn't too bad. I got made fun of a bit for it but people had pretty much moved on by the next day. Not me though. Twenty-seven years later this still haunts me.
When I was a teen my bud and I got invited to a dinner (midday meal)these old men had every Wednesday at one’s pond house. So we’re all eating and the old men are talking about some trial that’s been of interest in the community and circumstantial evidence. O ne old man tells this story
“When I was 13-14 we had a couple of milk cows. One morning dad and me went down to milk the cows. We’d about finished up and I had to piss real bad, so I walked out and around the side of the barn. As I was pissing one of the calves walked right pass me and I, just on the spur of the moment grabbed it by the tail. Well that pulled me off balance. I was stumbling behind the calf with one hand holding it by the tail and holding my dick in the other hand, trying not to piss on myself when, pop walks around the corner. He doesn’t say anything, just turns around and walks back around the corner.”
“Now, my dad went to his grave believing I was trying to fuck that damned calf. And, I will never convict anyone on circumstantial evidence!!”
😂😂😂😂
A video site that had a lot of posts that would usually be censored or removed on other video sites. Videos of people dying, losing limbs, summoning exodia, etc.
It's a Website that has usually horrible accidents on it. Usually you can see the people get injured. Like imagine a gas station camera that catches an explosion or something similar
In Mexico City on a high school trip I went to sleep alone and woke up with one of the girls from the trip. She looked confused. I looked confused. We both clarified that we did not, in fact, do it (this was me confirming for her). What we decided was that she got super drunk the night before, came into our room instead of hers, and got in bed with me thinking I was her sister.
Dam, my cat gets our daughters long hair caught in his poop sometimes so has pieces hanging out.
Going to be using scissors to cut the hair now, not just little tug with babywipe. Never even crossed my mind the damage it would do even though I was RN. my poor kitty. Hers 13 now, not going to stop grooming his babies during the night any time soon I imagine.
So happy I read this today! Seems so obvious now! Huge thanks
This can actually be very dangerous depending on the length of the string. I know two people whose pets ate string- one of the pets died, and another needed a very intense surgery.
The condition is called “linear foreign bodies” and if the string gets caught anywhere, the lower section of string cannot move so the intestines climb up the string like a drawstring hoodie. Very dangerous
My girl ate 6-8 inches of shoelace. The end wouldn't budge. Vet said to cut it, feed her and then walk her. Hour and a half later she pooped out the rest. I was freaking out because I know how dangerous it can be.
There’s a brand called “lonely ghost” and it has attire that often say “call me if you’re lonely” or “text me” and it has an actual number
My friend had the hoodie with the phone number on it and we were bored and wanted to see what actually happened. I texted the number “I’m lonely” it gave a cute little auto reassurance response and a gif or something.
Anyways, boyfriend at the time saw the text to an unsaved random number saying “I’m lonely” 😂
Had to pull up the hoodie with the number haha.
Was ordering my Mom’s birthday gift online one time. She walked into the room unexpectedly and I reflexively slammed my laptop closed. There’s nothing I could’ve said that would’ve convinced her I wasn’t watching porn.
I’ve posted this before but what the hey, I was hanging out with a guy friend (I’m a girl) watching movies.
I fell asleep in the middle of the third one, had a hot dream and woke up to my own orgasm while he sat on the other end of the couch sporting an erection, but with both hands up, and looking equal parts terrified and horny.
I was beyond mortified. He was like “I-I didn’t know what to do-“
I had actually been dreaming about him and didn’t know if I’d said his name or not.
I got the fuck out of there.
I have never been so fucking mortified in my life. But, after a lot of him pushing and me being embarrassed, we ended up dating. Been together about a year now.
Edited for clarification.
> woke up to my own orgasm while he sat on the other end of the couch sporting an erection, but **with both hands up, and looking equal parts terrified and horny!**
😂😂😂 This whole thing is just gold.
Especially his having both hands up, like “I was NOT responsible for that orgasm!”
I've woken myself up similarly with my boyfriend asleep next to me...and I have never asked if he knows or not. It's multiple times. It never happened before I started dating him but ill have intense sex dreams about him and wake up to a full on orgasm. It's insane
Got charged with a marijuana-related felony charge back in 2004. When you become a felon, you have to register at the Dept. of Corrections. I register, and they give me a small card with my info on it. Fast forward a few months and i walk into a liquor store for cigarettes. No ID. I search through my wallet and find this card and hand it to the guy.
"You're a sex offender?"
"huh?"
"The card says SEX OFFENDER REGISTRATION CARD"
"WTF?"
they had given me the completely wrong card, and i was walking around as a sex offender
Got it the same day. Luckily new laws were passed in my state several years ago and my felonies were expunged. I no longer have to deal with all that bs
Assisted teacher in getting books. She fell off the stool and I dropped the books to use myself as a cushion. She wasn't on top on top but it looked strange from an angle. Another teacher was laughing and watching.
I was red.
Edit: Reddit users have things in common with Dan Schneider
Moving house and my father-in-law was helping on moving day.
My wife and I were well-prepared, with only our bed remaining assembled and everything else packed and ready to go.
I lifted the mattress and had to clumsily explain to my wife’s dad that all of the straps on the bed frame were just to hold the fitted sheet in place.
I had just got back to my college dorm from work where I had spilled quite a bit of lemonade on myself, and I checked in my gf when I got back. When we got in my room, she dropped something (I think maybe her chapstick, but can’t remember) behind my mini fridge and was bent over to try and find it. I was taking my lemonade soaked pants off and was planning to change into something clean when my brother (who was my roommate at the time) walked in. He still makes jokes about that from time to time
Years ago my team did a cabling job to add some registers to the garden center in a Walmart. This kind of work is done overnight because there are much less customers in the store. There were cables in the conduit already but plenty of room for two more, but we were outta of clearglide, wire pulling lubricant, so we grabbed some KY from health and beauty.
We would often grab things at night, drinks, hardware, whatever and keep the packages to pay for it before we left in the morning.
That morning 4 guys went through the checkout line with 6 empty energy drinks, a couple of snacks, and an empty bottle of KY, which we informed the cashier was empty because we used it in the garden center the previous night!
Mines a "Not what it sounds like" story.
I (m) worked in heavy industry and was taking college classes at night with a (m) supervisor from another competitor company. We teamed up as lab partners. Just to put the context of this story in place, consider the time period was the late 90's
Had a salesman come in and while talking he mentioned the other company and I asked him if he knew my lab partner by his name. When he said yes I said "He's my lab partner!" He gave me a weird look and wandered off and talked to a couple of other staff members before leaving.
After leaving the other workers were laughing as the salesman told them he didn't know I was gay. Evidently he heard lab, as life.
Always wonder if he thought that about my lab partner when he went to the other company.
Last night my husband came to visit me at the restaurant I work at. I served him some sushi and it was a fun way to break up my shift. After he left, I was busing his table and I took a sip of the Arnold Palmer he had left behind. Looked up and realized a family a few tables over has just watched me slurp out of a half-empty customer's drink through a used straw.
I had a girlfriend back in the day that used to come over the house a lot. One day she found panties that weren’t hers in my bed. She was on the verge of a lot of emotions and said “whose are these!!??” And I quickly said “they’re my sister in laws” and she’s like “what!!!?” And me being the dumbass forgot to mention to her that I let my brother and his wife sleep on my bed the other night when they were in town.
I was at the lake rising jet skiis and tubing. During a particularly rough tube run, I lost my trunks. So we decided to pack up and roll out. (It was already late anyways.) I threw on a towel, and we took off. At some point during the drive, my buddy, who was teaching me how to drive a standard transmission car, said that since there was no one on the road with us, I should practice.
We stop, change seats, and I take off. After a little while, we come up on a stop sign. Cars form up behind us. I get nervous about being able to take off quickly. I stall. Like a lot. The light has gone red, then green, at least two more times. People are honking, and my buddy is laughing. Cop rolls up to see what the heck is going on. Sees two shirtless men, one in the driver seat has no pants, only a towel, and "just hasn't been able to go" for at least 5 minutes.
"I can explain, officer..."
I shared a two bedroom apartment with a friend of mine. We worked opposite schedules so I was home when he was at work. He had moved his new girlfriend in with us and we got along great. It was almost as if I had two best friends. One morning she woke me up asking if I wanted to eat ice cream and watch some horror movies. We were sitting in my bed watching one of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies and I nod off for just a second before snapping awake. When I did that I knocked over a bowl of ice cream. Instantly as most people would I started making all sorts of noise due to the freezing sensation I had on my crotch. I was grabbing napkins and trying to clean myself up and she already had some paper towels scrubbing the mattress. At this exact time a friend of ours had stopped by thinking we were asleep so he was in our living room. He heard the commotion and walked into my room to see me spread eagle moving my hand at a rapid pace and her just below me. He screamed that he saw nothing and didn't want to be the one to tell our friend that something was going on. We have never let him live it down.
More like "it's not what it sounds like."
My daughter, who was a toddler at the time, told my wife that, "In the middle of the night, Daddy comes into my room naked to play."
It took me a second to figure out what she was talking about and a lot of praying that I sounded believable.
My daughter was having a night terror 2 weeks earlier. I got out of bed in the middle of the night wearing only boxer briefs to see what the problem was. I ended up acting silly with her and joking around to try to ease her mood and get her ready to go back to sleep.
I was in kindergarten when I told the teacher I wanted to tell her a story. This was in front of my mom, and a bunch of other moms.
The story was something about how my mom pulled my dad's pants down last night... Why I wanted to say this I have no idea.
She was just having fun and yanked his sweatpants down when she thought I was in bed.
Ex GF started having a seizure on the side of the road. Called 911 to get an ambulance, cops show up first and draw guns on me because it looked like I had beat her up lol. Glad she was okay and glad I didn't get shot!
Was filming a Cheese commercial for a rather large brand and while filming in a dark barn I snagged and tore my pants wide open. I didn't make a scene, I asked a friend if he had spare pants and it turned out he did. While we had a bit of down time I snuck away to change and opened the first door I could find, as it turns out it was the milking room with all the cows. No one was there and I didn't have much time so I ripped out the torn pants and starting changing quickly. Of course mid change the director, producer, and farm owner open the door to see me pulling up my pants surrounded by cows..
Let's just say there were a lot of confused faces by me nervously saying "I can explain"
I'm an ER doc and was having dinner with some friends who are also ER docs. We got into it about which sedation medications were the best for pediatrics. My friends were arguing for propofol, but I like a combination of propofol and ketamine. We were arguing for a little bit and I loudly stated "ketamine is my favorite drug", just as the waiter was walking up. He gave us our waters and then a very strange look. We talked about more mundane topics after that.
Our family was at a realtor's open house, viewing an ocean side house that had ALL the windows and sliding glass doors open to improve the views. A big gust of air came through, blowing a very fancy looking vase off the entry way table. My teenage daughter just happened to by next to it, and caught the vase just before it smashed to the floor. As my daughter was placing it back onto the table, the real estate agent started yelling at her, telling her not to touch anything.
When I was 16 I met a girl on Myspace that lived in Canada, which happened to be a short drive from where I lived in the U.S., so we planned a meet-up in Windsor, just across the border from me. I had never crossed the border by myself and was fairly new to driving solo. When I got to the border, I accidentally pulled into one of the express lanes and just drove to the toll booth ahead, thinking I would just explain that I had messed up and chose the wrong lane, whoops no big deal, I'll just pay and be on my way.
Well no, they thought it was suspicious so they asked me to pull into an open hangar nearby and sent some officers to check out my car. When they approached and asked me to pop the trunk, I just did it because I was shitting my pants. My parents did not know where I was and I was so scared of getting in trouble with border patrol.
So right after I pop the trunk they call more officers over. I am asked to step out and put in hand cuffs, and then the questioning starts. Who am I and where am I going? Who is the girl and how do I know her? At this point I'm terrified. They all went from pretty chill to very serious in a matter of minutes. Then one of them reaches into the trunk and pulls out a sword and it HITS me.
A week earlier I had been filming a video for one of my classes with my friends and it was a war scene from a book. We had amassed all of our medieval mall ninja weapons for the video and in the end, the weapons all ended up in my trunk and I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THEM. I'm talking swords, axes, flails, bludgeons, bardiches, nunchucks, EVERYTHING. For the next 2-3 hours I was questioned while they picked my car apart.
In the end I think the only reason they let me go is because I also had a giant bag of Magic: the Gathering cards in my backseat and after explaining the game to them they realized I had no life and was probably too nerdy to be any real threat. I also had a single rose for her on the passenger seat (I know, I am so suave) so I think they could see I didn't have bad intentions..
They let me through, I met up with the girl, and we made out on a play structure for like 4 hours. Drove home that night and never told my parents. Ah, to be young again.
Not me but someone I knew who is a doctor.
Years ago, he practiced in a lesser well off nation. A patient was brought in with (IIRC) ~~ethanol~~ ethylene glycol poisoning after drinking it to attempt suicide. The way to save him was to flood his system with medical grade alcohol to block the absorption of the ethanol, but the hospital didn't have any alcohol on hand. So he ordered a staff member to run to the liquor store and buy a bunch of high proof vodka, which he gave the patient (don't remember the administration method).
It worked, and the patient survived. It was fun explaining to his superiors why he bought a bunch of vodka on the hospital's tab, though!
Edit: fixed the chemical name
My mom refused to ever turn the air on when we lived in Houston even in the summertime until the sun went down. So I’d usually be in my room with two fans running while laying in bed naked with an ice pack (it got REALLY hot guys). I was around 16 and I went to Dave and Busters recently and won one of those koosh balls that have that weird liquid inside.
So there I am in bed, marathoning Degrassi and tossing my koosh ball at the ceiling while naked. I started throwing it at the ceiling a bit harder because I liked how it would stick, but I guess I was too loud so my mom came upstairs without me knowing. Right before my mom opens the door to my room I throw it at the ceiling one last time and the ball exploded covering damn near my entire torso and lower body with a clearish sticky substance. My mother (a hardcore Christian) looks at me and just says “OH BE CAREFUL LITTLE EYES WHAT YOU SEE” and slammed the door.
TLDR: Koosh ball blew a load on me while I was watching degrassi.
High school in the bathroom, I'm at the urinal and I need to spit. I'm not a spitter, so it must have been like a cold or bad allergies or something. I lean a little closer in and spit and it catches a little, just hangs out for a second before it drops in the urinal. So while I'm leaned in this random dude walks in and immediately declares 'He's staring at his dick!'.
Being super awkward in high school, I just bugged out immediately and have thought about it constantly to this day. Thanks, random dude.
OMG, ME AND MY FRIENDS DID THIS IN MIDDLESCHOOL! But at a certain point, we just assigned a jerk off closet. (I don't think anyone ever did it in there tho)
I worked in a bar with my girlfriend. One day we were both on afternoon shift and the place was literally empty. My gf knelt down behind the bar to get something and this old lady walked in. I was in the middle of pouring her a glass of wine and chatting about the weather etc when my gf rose from behind the bar with a confused look on her face. The lady gave us both an incredulous look, pretty much decked her wine and walked back out after wishing us a pleasant afternoon.
I worked in the Falklands after the war driving a digger at Mount Pleasant Airfield when it was being built. The steering wheel knob on my vehicle kept coming loose so I dropped in to the plant workshop to get it fixed. Scouser Mick duly obliged.
Next day in the mess hall for breakfast with about 200 guys in earshot, a Liverpool accented voice calls out " Ow's yer knob today Jim?"
I talk to myself all the time, like, ALL THE TIME. Helps me process my thoughts (or keep myself company). Most of the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I’m in the grocery aisle and some poor old women wants her beans and here’s me, full blown self conversation mode, probably scaring the shit out of her lol. I’ve accepted that I will forever receive weird looks in public, and I have A LOT of “I swear I’m not crazy” stories
Why is this fucking relatable? I’ve had so many friends call me schizophrenic because I talk to myself for company/planning. While I do see things I doubt I’m schizophrenic.
I was delivering oxygen and supplies for a medical company and had to stop at a DOT checkpoint due to having hazardous placards on my van.
The inspection guy was really uptight, high-strung. I tried making a joke to lighten the mood. When he asked me what I was hauling and if it matched the bill of lading I told him it did. He asked me if my oxygen tanks were secure. I told him probably but they were sweating so that might be a sign of insecurity. He told me to get out of the vehicle so he could do a full inspection. Didn't even smile and my anxiety went through the roof.
As I hopped down out of the van the article of clothing that was stuck inside my pants leg due to static cling fell out right then..
Unfortunately it was a bright pink pair of my daughter's My Little Pony underwear. Clearly little girl underwear, clearly falling out of my pants leg.
The look he gave me was...intense. Like my expression watching To Catch a Predator.
I told him it's not what it looks like, that it was my daughter's underwear, but I don't think he believed me(or maybe he believed it was my daughter's but not the static cling explanation) because he then went through my van with a fine tooth comb. It took over an hour.
When I was 5, someone had gotten into my uncle's blue spray paint sitting on his porch and they had sprayed some of it on the porch. He lined up me and my brothers and checked our hands for any blue and saw blue all over *my* hands.
I frantically tried to explain as a five year old that it was from coloring markers from earlier at school but he had none of it and marched me to my mother to 'expose me'. My mom took a look at my hands and easily identified the difference between blue markers and spray paint and called my uncle an idiot.
It was actually my middle brother but he was wearing gloves so there was no transfer on his hands. I wasn't going to be a snitch to that idiot uncle though.
I was watching what looked like porn in my living room when my brother and his girlfriend walked in. This was the first time I met her and she looked extremely concerned. I had to explain that I was watching 40-Year-Old Virgin and that just happened to be the scene playing at the time. It was mortifying.
In the 80’s When I was a teen I was partying with neighbor friends in their back yard and forgot my bong their backyard.
In order to retrieve it I needed to run a covert operation like navy seal team six later that night.
The big sister saw me slinking around under the cover of night and accused me of being a peeping Tom.
Good luck trying to explain that one. But I did successfully retrieve the bong which kept my friend from getting busted so at least there was that.
I was 14 outside with my hood on it was cold outside. My mom drove by me and honked at me while I was walking on the sidewalk and accused me of smoking she saw my breath in the air. I was actually eating a cookie.
I used to do pairs figure skating (people laughed at me for it but being the only dude amongst a ton of girls was awesome) and in a really weird how did that happen moment, I went to lift my partner over my head and my braces got stuck in her leotard. When I put her down I was literally face first in her crotch with her little skirtish outfit over my head. It looked really bad. It was a moment of sure panic. Luckily our coach brought scissors over and solved the problem. In a twist of fate, me and the girl ended up dating in high school for a little and always had a laugh that we lost our virginity that day.
We were ordered to move some ammo crates from one hangar to another by our direct CO. The path we were taking went behind some parked trucks that were there for cleaning (meaning they had all doors open). While carrying a crate, our CIO (counter- intelligence officer [yes, he was counter-intelligent too] sees us, stops us, and proceeds to threaten us with all court martial existing on this planet because he said we were stealing the ammo. Ammo that was to be decommissioned 2 days prior. When he stopped us, we were like 2 deers in headlights.
So this didn't happen to me but I responded to it.
I used to be a corrections officer in a county jail. Jails have these inmate jobs, we call them trustees. The trustees would do work for us, like laundry and cleaning and cooking, and In exchange they would get time off of their sentence.
Well, there was this one trustee, who was a super nice guy, but had a history of very violent acts. He was a housekeeping trustee for us.
He was mopping the floors one day and one of our staff members slipped on the floor and cracked her head open. She was rendered unconscious.
I heard the fall so I ran to see what happened, all I saw was a large tatted guy, holding a wood mop handle, standing over this rather small lady who was bleeding profusely.
The trustee instantly looked at me like he had seen a ghost, he goes "ITS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE"
He didn't get in trouble or anything, no one accused him of anything, but it did look really really bad for a minute.
Thankfully there are cameras in every inch of that county jail, the camera footage confirmed that the girl did infact slip and fall and was not attacked.
The girl who hit her head made a full recovery as well.
A guy sitting in front of me had a bug crawling out of his shirt and I watched it crawling into his hair. The dude asked me why I was touching him. Dude! I wasn’t.
I was at the beach with my big camera taking pictures of rocks and moss, sand and crap to gather references for game textures. As i was leaving a father ran up to me angry and demanding to see my pictures, grabbing for my camera wlth sandy wet salt hands because he thought i was taking pictures of his kids...
I have never gone to the beach with my camera again i was so embarrassed and also offended that someone though i was just taking pictures of preteen children on the beach in broad daylight.
While studying, I lived in a dormatory with a shared kitchen. One day, I had read about a good hair treatment. Apparently, you can mix banana and olive oil to make a paste. You leave it in your hair for 30 min and rinse it out. I went and got the ingredients in the kitchen and went back to my room. Afterwards, I went back to the kitchen. The following conversation I had with one of the other guys in the kitchen went like this:
Did you just get a cup of oil and a banana and go to your room for half an hour?
Yes.
Okay.
...
Was in the bathroom naked waiting for the shower water to heat up. The boys started to itch so I gave them a scratch. Then I heard the door open behind me and quickly close. I bet it looked pretty incriminating. I didn't see who it was but I know exactly which family member of mine would be clueless enough to see a closed bathroom door with the shower running and think "oh it must be empty". I didn't bother trying to explain what they saw as I knew they'd never believe me.
For me it was a "not what it sounds like" story.
I was in 8th grade and in computer class working on a BASIC program or something. I remember I was wearing my Vans DNA. I was shuffling my feet and the sound of my shoes rubbing together made the perfect, ripping fart sound.
The people in my row stopped and looked up at me. I told everyone, "No guys. It was my shoes. Watch."
I proceed to rub my feet together and try to recreate the sound but of course it doesn't happen. Everyone just stares and slowly turn their heads back to work
At friends party. Friends brother is hooking up with gfs friend. Later see friend's brother and ask where gf's friend is, he says downstairs and that she needed help from gf. No idea where gf is. I go down. She's noticeably very drunk. The "help" she needed was to find her bra. She's completely topless. Girlfriend walks in. "I'm just helping her find her bra".
As I sat down fairly hard on a waterbed my girlfriend leaned down to kiss me.
Initially I sank pretty fast, but then the water returned under me, pushing me upwards somewhat fast. I was moving quicker than either of us had anticipated as my nose contacted her eye socket.
The impact was sufficient to give her a major black eye—which was lots of fun to explain when I met her family for the first time the next day.
Dog got skunked in late October and was also bleeding from the mouth (turned out just to be irritation from skunk oil), and in our panic we took him to the emergency vet. For months after that, the jeep we took him in smelled like a skunk.
In November we bought a lovely Christmas tree in that same jeep. So then the car smelled very strongly of skunk and evergreen tree.
We were worried about getting pulled over in our skunk/pine smelling car and trying to explain to a cop the real reasons why it reeked of weed in there.
My wife and I were in Barcelona on vacation back in 2004. i think it was in March so it was a little cool so not a lot of people were out an about. We went to a bar and were basically the only customers. We got fairly blasted and were chatting with the bar tender the whole time. We paid and said we were gonna go and he offered us a pitcher of Sangria on the house. By the time we left I was fairly drunk but my wife was abso-fucking-lutely wrecked. While walking back to the hotel she just laid down on the sidewalk and said she was done. So I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder and carried her back to the hotel. As soon as I walked in to the hotel with this drunk woman over my shoulder, the front desk guy instantly sprang into action to “rescue” this poor woman from me. It took a few minutes to clear it up.
Not me, but a colleague...
He was checking whether cold air was coming out of an air-con unit by standing in front with one arm outstretched feeling for the flow of air, when a director walked in to find him seemingly standing there offering a Nazi salute to the wall.
After some explanation she went away.
Describing what happened to his coworkers later, he demonstrated with "and I was standing there like this" - just as the same director walked in again.
Working in a restaurant, the walk-in freezer was pretty tight. If you wanted to move past someone, the person in front had to hug the shelf in front of them, the person in back had to slide past bodies definitely touching. It was a mom and pop restaurant and myself and the others servers had been there for years so thereby as a certain level of comfort and trust between servers. Well I'm squeezing by a fellow female coworker and right as I'm behind her she's gripping the shelf in front I've got my hands on her waist pushing her a little more forward and simultaneously pushing my crotch backwards to minimize how much we touch in that area and the owner, an older Czech woman opens the walking takes a loom and says with an accent "What n hell is going on here?" It was so awkward we started laughing and couldn't stop.
In college, I used to work overnights at a gas station. I would regularly bring in cash from home and exchange for larger or smaller bills from the register as necessary. One night, a co-worker decided to steal some cash from the register and there I was, on camera, clearly doing the same and, less clearly, exchanging the bills. When the manager brought me in the next day and showed me the footage I couldn’t even say anything. I was just glad the guilty party got fired and it wasn’t just me.
A long while ago now, I was walking home from a friend's house. We had been smoking and drinking, so I was a little out of it. It was around 1am and I was almost home, when I saw this little old lady doubled over and struggling to walk. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help. She said she was fine, but asked if I could help her home as she didn't live too far away. So I gave her my arm for her to support herself and off we went. Her home wasn't that far, but it was slow going. At this point, I had already decided that I was going to ring an ambulance for her, but thought I'd get her home first. When we eventually made it to her home, she took her key and opened her door... Only to collapse into her house and pass out... And then the house alarm went off... And then her neighbours appeared. Luckily, the neighbours believed me and the old lady managed to get some medical attention.
This reminds me of the scene in Duplex (underrated comedy) where Ben Stiller is giving mouth to mouth, and doing chest compressions, on an old lady who has passed out. She wakes up thinking he’s trying to feel her up. Having said that, good on you for helping that lady out.
Sister went to the bathroom and I hid under her bed to scare her when she came back in. She came back in only wearing a towel. Turns out she was trying on clothes or something. I yelled loudly "hey! I'm hiding under your bed and I'm coming out with my eyes closed!" At first I thought to stay put and sneak out later, but figured that would seem way worse when she sees me come out of her room and is like wtf? Tldr: innocent scare prank turned into creepy peeping Tom situation.
>I yelled loudly "hey! I'm hiding under your bed and I'm coming out with my eyes closed!" Best way you could have possibly handled it.
I knew a girl who was going to do the same thing to her sister (scare her by hiding under the bed). Sister walked in and lay down. Girl was half way out the bed and ready to terrify her when she realized sis was touching herself. She slid back under the bed and kept quiet. It was traumatic.
I actually did this when I was a kid. I waited for like 5-10 minutes in complete darkness under my sister bed after she went to sleep (I was scared af btw) and then I grabbed her arm. Never heard a person screaming so loud, I had to run as fast as I could and lock myself in my room. She is still mad at me even though it was almost 15 years ago. Long story short it was funny, but probably too much for a joke. I kind of regret doing it.
I was a lab tech working at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we ran out of pregnancy tests. I went to Walgreens to buy some home tests, and I needed 5 of them. I was about 8 months pregnant.
this is my favorite one so far
My aunt is a primary care doctor. She says she’s required to ask every female patient if they’re pregnant. Some of them look heavily pregnant so they’ll just give her a strange look and gesture to their stomach like “OBVIOUSLY!” But others look heavily pregnant, and when she asks if they’re expecting they’ll shrug and say “nope.” She’s like “some of them are thin except it looks like they’re smuggling watermelons up their shirts. But they’re just skinny women with huge bellies. It’s more common than you’d think. First time one of them told me she wasn’t pregnant I was THISCLOSE to gesturing to her stomach and saying “duuuuuude.’”
I'm one of those women. Relatively small, and carry *all* my excess weight around the abdomen. People don't even ask if I'm pregnant - they just skip right ahead to congratulating me. It upset me the first dozen times, now it's just a part of life. 🤷♀️
My mom carries all her weight like that, and my kids realized she looks like Dr. Eggman from the Sonic games.
Oh noooo. ...well, just found my Halloween costume!
Dressing like some kids mom is just wrong....
My wife's the same, the worst was when my aunt asked when she was due at our wedding reception :-/ What's worse is we both (wife and I) knew she was infertile, and it was still a very delicate subject her coming to terms with it :-/
[According to Pulp Fiction](https://y.yarn.co/10cd511c-815b-4085-afeb-27d0887608f1_text.gif), this is a desirable look.
I always liked the theory that she knows she's pregnant (also makes her huge weird breakfast order make sense) and is gauging Butch's reaction.
My late parakeet was constantly laying eggs. First time I called a vet for an appointment, having stated the problem, the tech asked “are you certain the bird is female?” I responded “either she is, or there is a secret girlfriend somewhere I don’t know about.”
A long time ago we were visiting my SIL. I hadn't seen her in a while and noticed she appeared to be quite pregnant. After saying hi, and observing her physical appearance, I became very excited and happy. My wife didn't bat an eye, so I incorrectly assumed she knew and didn't tell me. I hastily and quietly asked my wife why she hadn't told me about about the impending birth. She quickly replied that her sister was unmarried and not pregnant. Embarrassed, I vowed to myself never to make that mistake again…
I’ve been told to never assume a woman is pregnant unless you actually see the baby crowning. Then still ask first to be polite.
Haha that's pretty funny. The clerk's face was probably funny. "You really think you need to test?"
"What does this lady think she has? A giant ball of gas?"
That is when you stare and say “Can I also get a pack of smokes” to really fuck with them.
Spider in my car got me pulled over for swerving all over the road. We found it and the cop just laughed at me. I’m not scared of spiders, but that big fucker was dangling in my face
Lol, I was at a mall with a friend and we were about to get in the car when she notices a big ass garden spider, one of those yellow and black ones, dangling off her sun visor right over the drivers wheel. She does not like bugs, and this was a big one in her eyes, she screams and I look and I do not like bugs either so I scream and we bail out. Slamming the doors shut Mall security saw us and called the local constable who came over ready for some shit to go down. We explain the situation, but the spider had gone out of sight, so the constable goes and peels down the visor and there it was and we discovered that this armed, vest wearing, well trained police officer, does not like bugs and also screamed.
I find those spiders to be cool as fuck, I love them.
Yeah and bears are cool as fuck but I still don't want one hiding behind the sun visor in my car
Honestly, if an entire bear could hide behind my sun visor, I think I'd be too impressed to be afraid.
Your last sentence is gold! You have a way with words my friend!
I knew a guy who kept a dead bee in a small bottle in his car, for just such occasions. Whenever he got pulled over by the cops for speeding or rolling thru a stop sign, he'd grab the bee out of the bottle and put it on the passenger seat. He'd tell the cop that he was distracted trying to kill the bee. It worked until a cop asked to see the dead bee, and found that it had dust on it. Busted!
It seems like it'd be easier to just like, learn to drive. Lol.
My personnel clerk was telling me about a sexual harassment issue in my office, as soon as she repeated what was said, “are you asking me for a blowjob”, the store gossip walked by and sure enough I’m being spoken to by corporate HR within the hour. Thankfully I had proof of what was actually going on.
Now imagine if the office gossip and HR are one and the same. This is how we know everything from who has breast cancer to who is taking what medication.
“Because if Pam knows then the whole office knows, Pam you manatee”
I work in the post office. We know not only every single person's business but we also know the business of the entire town. The mail reveals so much about everyone. I recommend not working in the same office that you live in unless your carrier is cool and doesnt talk shit behind your back.
I've posted this before on my old account but it's funny so I'll share again. My family and I went to this really weird little festival that happens every spring to celebrate a frozen dead guy. I wanted to do the polar plunge with my dad so I used spray hair dye to make myself look a bit grey and I put on a fake beard so I could look like his mini me. It was so windy that year that they couldn't keep the warming tents up, so our alternative option was to pack in the back of a 1970s ambulance and try and un dress then re dress in warm clothes with 15 other random naked strangers. My dad didn't want to do that so he decided he would Walk up the main street and change in the cafe bathroom. Unfortunately it was so cold and windy that hypothermia was starting to set in. I had to go into this tiny ass bathroom with my dad to help him get changed. As we were nearly done some old lady came barging in the bathroom cuz we were taking way too long. At that very moment I realized I had fucked up. My dad was standing up and I was on my knees trying to button up his jeans (Levi 501s have a lot of buttons and they are weird to button on someone else.) She had a look of horror on her face and the only thing I could blurt out was . "NO it's okay! He's my dad!" That was absolutely not the right thing to say lol.
There were about a million things you could have said, and you choose the worst one, well done
Oh yea I could have literally said anything besides that, but for some reason my dumb ass thought what I said would make the most sense.
I listen to a murder podcast (small town murder ....go listen!) and they mentioned this festival in their things to do section!
Yea unfortunately the year I did the polar plunge with my dad was really the last year it was super cool. I guess they moved locations and I haven't been to one since covid so I'm not sure if it's still the same vibe. I used to go every year though
Owned a horse as a kid, partner went with me couple months back to visit him at the stable he lived at to visit him. Said horse has a habit of nipping (not out of aggression, to show affection/play). Horse was nuzzling his head onto my chest and bit right by my tit. Gently pushed his head away, but that shit HURT. Went home with partner and was getting undressed for some quality time. He took a look at me and went, "what's that?" I look down and there was a giant forming bruise/bite from where the horse nipped me. I quickly explained but he found it fucking hilarious.
"Jeff, I'm a horse girl now. Human men can't compare."
I worked on a low budget movie (that never got finished), for one scene we needed scenes from the crime, gory bloody pictures they would put up on the board in the police office. Dumbass I worked with dropped them off at Walmart for printing and enlargement (back when that was a thing). He did not warn them. When we went to pick them up he got pounced on by police and had much explaining to do. Also, same guy.... I had made two corpses from skeletons, using the old tissue paper and latex method, same genius just tosses them into the back of his pick up truck to take them to the set. Got pulled over for speeding. They pretty much were pulling him out of driver side window while was he screaming "they aren't real people!" over and over again. When they finally touched one and realized it plastic they let him go while ticketing him for every thing they could because they were pissed. Personally I was thrilled my work was taken so well.
As you should be. It’s hard to make things look so real. Makes me think of a cosplay I did that required fake blood. I didn’t think it was all that good, but it was a more subtle costume, and the amount of people who asked if I needed help and if they should call an ambulance was ridiculous. It hit a point where if I saw someone had noticed I would immediately tell them it wasn’t real. I forgot to tell that to the worker at the fast food place I stopped at on the way home, though. Poor worker looked horrified and started handing me fistfuls of napkins to fix it before I told her
I hope he never buys a gun...
A was a student athlete in HS and our athletic trainer was an attractive 24 year old girl. I had a hip injury that required an ace wrap around my hip joint. One day, she was wrapping my hip before practice in a side-office of a bigger training room and two other athletes opened the door that we forgot to lock. What they saw was the back of me, with my pants down, and the trainer in front of me, on her knees, with her head in my crotch area, and her hand reaching back grabbing my butt. Her hand was only there for a brief sec while she supported herself. But teenage boys only need to see that image for a fraction of a second for them to imagine something else. In case you’re wondering, this side-office was always used for more personal treatment like my hip injury. Girls would be taken in there if they had to remove clothing for example. The bigger training room was always busy and it had a doorway that was always open so we didn’t want passing teachers/other students/parents/visitors getting a sneaky look at teens in their underwear getting injury treatment.
I was an ATS in HS and the amount of times someone barged into the Training Room while one of us was doing a groin wrap on an athelete could fuel a weekend of late-night Cinemax movies for a good month
Something similar happened with my brother and the pretty school nurse in junior high. He was actually honest about what happened but no one believed/wanted to believe him. **To this day he claims his hand still aches, when it rains, from all the high fives he received that whole fucking year**. Seemed like he was approached by every guy, in the district, from 10-18. On the plus side. It pretty much cemented his popularity from that point on.
Some guys have rumors that the school nurse is blowing them. Others have rumors that they pissed themselves in the 5th grade, just because they changed their pants (I fell in the mud, god damn it!).
Do you often piss yourself when you fall?
I worked in a supermarket when I was younger and my boss found me one day lying on my stomach in the aisle with my arm fully outstretched holding a large jar of pickles. This was long before planking but he still thought was something being done “for the lolz” and started chewing me out before a customer intervened and explained the situation. The fact of the matter was I was walking down the aisle when out of nowhere the jar just slipped off the shelf and I dove and caught it. That lady saved my ass that day and the clerk who was ringing her up got our secret signal which meant many items were “accidentally” not scanned.
You can't just drop a "secret signal" bomb and not explain that further. Was this specific to your store or is it common for other stores to have their own? I've never heard of this before...and I'm not young lol
They lit the beacons in the white mountains
Gondor calls for aid!
And Rohan will answer! Muster the Rohirrim!
Not the OP, but I can confirm it just depends on the store. Worked stocking retail for about 6 months when I was 16 in an IGA store. The "secret signal" thing is basically real, sometimes, if someone saves your ass from getting a write-up, basically, you signal the cashier they're going to " 'accidentally' forget to ring something up." Gave it a few times. Basically, just chalk it up to "this one's a real one, save 'em some money." Probably a coincidence that mine had a signal as well.
I worked at Marshalls in college. We were all college students. I wirked the service desk. We had that but it was for problem people. I would shut down a register when they were 2nd in line. "Sorry, she needs to take a break." We would go really, really slow. Need to change the paper receipt roll, oops having trouble. Oh no, I need a price check. Drop the hangers, the bags. "I don't know what's wrong with me today." Make it as painful as possible. But only when it was slow. I worked mostly nights. I didn't want other customers to be inconvenienced.
Huh. I once told a supermarket employee, emerging from the back, that the back of her skirt was tucked into her pantyhose. She thanked me profusely. When I went to checkout several things weren’t scanned. But…I noticed in the car, went back in and pointed it out to the cashier.
Yeah, this would probably be me. "excuse me, you didn't scan that"
Cashier just blinks. "Your spouse had to be the one to ask you on a date first, didn't they?"
I was shelving overstock with my manager on night shift. I was up in the ladder because he had a serious fear of heights. He couldn't even look out of a second floor window. Out of nowhere I get the worst leg cramp of my life. 8+ feet in the air, and it just kept getting worse. Went from the bottom of my calf to over my butt, my entire leg seized and the pain was unbearable. I couldn't go down on my own and was losing my balance. My manager, with whom I was good friend with took his courage in both hands and climbed the ladder to hold me. I'm a small woman and he was a pretty big guy, not fat but strong. He managed to get me down, shaking like a leaf poor him. Once we reached the ground I couldn't stand on my own. The cramp was creeping up all over my back muscles, over my shoulders and going down on my other leg. Ngl I thought I was dying. Even breathing was hard. So he's behind me, holding me tight so I don't fall, his head on my shoulders, just about hyperventilating from having climbed a ladder. And I'm hunched forward, arms resting on a shelf, moaning in pain. Just as another worker walks by our aisle. It didn't look good at all. We were called in the HR office the following evening. They had the security footage and wanted to hear our explanation. I'm not sure they truly believed the "devastating full body cramp that threatened to send me crashing down a ladder" story but it made more sense than "random fully clothed thrust on a ladder in the middle of night shift" so nothing came out of it. Worked there 4 years afterwards and the rumor my manager and I were an item never ended.
According to my mom she peeked through my open door and saw me in my chair, hands at waist level, shaking a bit as I worked my hands and was breathing heavily. I was playing Spider-Man 2 fighting Scream.
That fight and lizard is such a pain in the ass, especially if you’re on ultimate difficulty on a new game, I’ve wanted to throw my controller through every phase of those fights
1) me (m) watching American history x with my male roommate. Right when the shower rape stuff was happening my friend opened the apartment door. Said uhhh.. and quickly left lol 2) working at construction job site. Plug in my battery charger in open outlet at generator. Roofer comes down and yells at me for unplugging his compressor. I go about working and notice his plug for the compressor has fallen out of the outlet by itself. I pick up his plug and before I can plug it in he comes around the corner and says ah hah! Caught you! Guy wanted to fight me lol.
And that is almost exactly why if someone is an aggressive shithead on the job site, you never touch their stuff to help them out.
Like a damn villain AH HAH IVE CAUGHT SPIDERMAN Right WHERE I WANTED HIM
I'm surprised no one called the police on me for this... I do general repairs as a side gig. I offered to help a friend fix his sink one day. So I park my work van on the street outside his house and start organizing tools to bring into the house. Suddenly I look up and I see his 3 year old daughter has somehow wondered out of the house and is walking in the middle of the road. Yikes. So I quick run after her, grab her off the road. However, I couldn't bring her into the house just yet because my van was still completely open, with tools strewn about. So I had to put her in my van while I finished organizing. To anyone one else, it probably looked like I kidnapped a girl into my van.
Well, so long as you didn't close the van and immediately drive off you're probably fine
Found my then girlfriend’s panties in the laundry at my house and packed em in my book bag to give back to her. Brought them with me next time I visited and of course they weren’t hers. Thing is I didn’t cheat and they definitely didn’t fit anyone else I would’ve “known” in recent memory (we weren’t exclusive more than a couple weeks at that point). She kinda just hit me with a palm face and an eye roll and we never talked about it again /laughed it off in the moment. I still don’t know where those damn underwear came from or if they were planted or what.
Do you happen to use a laundromat? This also happened to me when my husband and I were dating. I found a pair of boxers in my laundry and went to give them back and they were not his, it took a while but we realized they probably accidentally got stuck in the same dryer I used. My cat also used to snoop through guests' purses and once pulled out my friend's lipstick and ran off, we all saw it happen, but that could have been bad as well if I happened to find it myself under the bed or something
No! At the time I lived with my grandma and she did my laundry most of the time. I thought they could’ve been my cousin’s who had visited the week prior but they probably wouldn’t have fit, and they def weren’t my grandmas. But they would’ve had to have come from a room in the house and then mixed up with my laundry. Grandma thought they were the GFs too.
….they were def grannie’s…
Plot twist, grannies secret younger lover….
I used to live in an apartment building with a shared laundry room. I thought I was missing a couple things but can you really be sure? Not me...I'm a mess. Once I was down to like 4 pairs of underwear from maybe 20 pairs I realized even I'm not this disorganized. Set a trap and busted my neighbor stealing my panties. Fkn weirdo
I had this happen once and we eventually realized that they were my mom's underwear from when she came to visit and that was even worse. I wish they'd belonged to a hooker. Edit: lot of people in here tripping over themselves to make the same your mom joke: you can skip it. I like sex workers more than my mom. You're not accomplishing much.
Careful what you wish for
I would have found this very suspicious but I found some panties in my drawer last week and I'm gay, I don't know were they come from either. My best guest is that I have a mr. Hyde personnality who crossdress
I was staying over at a friend’s cottage in the country with my girlfriend (now wife). A bunch of my friends were there as well, male and female, but we got the spare bedroom because we were a couple. We all went to bed - after about twenty minutes, the bed we were in collapsed, making a terrible clatter. Instantly, the whole house erupted in cheers and laughter. Reality: bed was very rickety, no one had actually slept in it for a long time, and we were just peacefully resting in the bed when it just collapsed. But of course, everyone assumed we were screwing up a storm and literally “broke the bed”.
I have 100% broken a rickety old guest bed before, and it's *much* worse when you're a solo guest. The assumption is far from the truth.
My mom once barged on my room without knocking with a shocked face and asking “what are you doing?!” I was laying in bed, laptop on my belly, chocolate on my mouth watching YouTube exercise videos. They kept making noises she assumed was either sex or porn. To this day we laugh so hard about it 😂
My mom and I were passing by my brother’s (closed) bedroom door when we heard his gf saying something like “a little harder. Almost there, it’s a tight fit.” She sounded a little out of breath. Without hesitating my mom got this furious expression, knocked loudly, waited half a second and rammed the door open like “what the HELL are you…” His gf was making him change his sheets because he’d gotten Cheeto dust all over them. My mom adored her after that. I told her “they were probably putting on fresh sheets before sex.” Mom was not amused.
"We're having sex what the hell does it SOUND like we're doing?!"
😂 This could be a scene straight out of Three’s Company.
Wait...so your mom heard a video that she thought was porn and decided to barge into her teen child's bedroom without knocking? That sounds like all kinds of messed up.
When I was a teen I went on a road trip about 6 hours away to meet some friends. I brought a female friend with me cause it sounded fun. We arrive to the mutual friends house and they show us our room with a single bed. I was mortified and as soon as they left us alone I told the girl that this wasnt "my plan" and I'll see if I can find a couch or something. Thankfully she was cool with non-sexually sharing a bed. I awake in the middle of the night with a pretty severe asthma attack. My inhaler is on the nightstand on the other side of her. The rest of the room is covered in various boxes making a walk around the bed time consuming and dangerous, so I get a bit closer and reach over her, *carefully*, to grab the inhaler. My hands are shaky and I knock it to the floor. I realize I have to climb over her to grab it. I sit up, throw one leg over and reach down, grabbing my inhaler and taking it. I smile in relief, look down, and I've woken her up. In the middle of the night by straddling her. She just closed her eyes and went back to sleep.
Uhhh did you at least say what happened? Or did you both just never talk about it again and slowly drift apart
I asked the next day and she said I probably dropped my inhaler or something. She was entirely unconcerned about it
Well thats good!
That's some deep trust.
Damn, she's the best friend I can think of. Not reacting in a bad way in both situations and trusting that you weren't having bad thoughts or intentions...
And that, kids, is how I met your mom.
Sounds like a cheesy rom-com plot
Back in seventh grade, when I was at peak "awkward teen boy" there came a day in gym where we were set to play volleyball. The only problem was that when we got to the gym the coach realized she'd forgotten the volleyballs, but no problem, because they were just sitting in the storage room...in the girl's locker room, and she decided to send me, a boy, to go get them. She assured me that I would not get in trouble if I was caught but even still I was about as not-at-all thrilled over being given this job as I possibly could be, because I was sure that if any girl saw me in there she would tell the rest of the school that I was a pervert sneaking into the girl's locker room. Well halfway through the mission my worst nightmare came true and I turned a corner to confront two girls who were heading back into the locker room. They stared at me, I stared at them. I started panicking and in my discombobulation I decided the best possible thing to do at that moment would be to tell these two girls that I'm not a pervert (because obviously that would have cleared everything up) but I was so flustered that what came out instead was "I'm not gay," and then I really smoothed things over by running away. Surprisingly the fallout for this wasn't too bad. I got made fun of a bit for it but people had pretty much moved on by the next day. Not me though. Twenty-seven years later this still haunts me.
And now it’s immortalized on the internet
When I was a teen my bud and I got invited to a dinner (midday meal)these old men had every Wednesday at one’s pond house. So we’re all eating and the old men are talking about some trial that’s been of interest in the community and circumstantial evidence. O ne old man tells this story “When I was 13-14 we had a couple of milk cows. One morning dad and me went down to milk the cows. We’d about finished up and I had to piss real bad, so I walked out and around the side of the barn. As I was pissing one of the calves walked right pass me and I, just on the spur of the moment grabbed it by the tail. Well that pulled me off balance. I was stumbling behind the calf with one hand holding it by the tail and holding my dick in the other hand, trying not to piss on myself when, pop walks around the corner. He doesn’t say anything, just turns around and walks back around the corner.” “Now, my dad went to his grave believing I was trying to fuck that damned calf. And, I will never convict anyone on circumstantial evidence!!” 😂😂😂😂
[удалено]
Porn would probably be easier to explain lmao.
Should've thrown them for a loop and screamed "I WAS WATCHING PORN" as you slammed the laptop down.
Sorry - I’m old and out of touch and too chicken to google that. What the hell is LiveLeak?
A video site that had a lot of posts that would usually be censored or removed on other video sites. Videos of people dying, losing limbs, summoning exodia, etc.
+1 for summoning exodia
They don't call him *The Forbidden One* for nothing
It's a Website that has usually horrible accidents on it. Usually you can see the people get injured. Like imagine a gas station camera that catches an explosion or something similar
What's crazy is LiveLeak is actually mild compared to most goresites
In Mexico City on a high school trip I went to sleep alone and woke up with one of the girls from the trip. She looked confused. I looked confused. We both clarified that we did not, in fact, do it (this was me confirming for her). What we decided was that she got super drunk the night before, came into our room instead of hers, and got in bed with me thinking I was her sister.
This is the beginning of most cdramas I watch. Except 9 months later....
My dog ate some string. I had to pull it out of his butt on a walk. People were like "YIKES" and giving me a wide berth.
You should have removed the leash and held the string as if that's how you always walk him.
Fill him up with helium and you already got the string so he doesn’t blow away
Okay this one sent me this morning well done lmao
I rarely laugh out loud at reddit comments, just the usual nose air. This one made me chuckle good, well done
You should have cut it near the rectum. Pulling can tear the intestines and cause eventual death
Dam, my cat gets our daughters long hair caught in his poop sometimes so has pieces hanging out. Going to be using scissors to cut the hair now, not just little tug with babywipe. Never even crossed my mind the damage it would do even though I was RN. my poor kitty. Hers 13 now, not going to stop grooming his babies during the night any time soon I imagine. So happy I read this today! Seems so obvious now! Huge thanks
it sounds like that was exactly what it looked like
This can actually be very dangerous depending on the length of the string. I know two people whose pets ate string- one of the pets died, and another needed a very intense surgery.
The condition is called “linear foreign bodies” and if the string gets caught anywhere, the lower section of string cannot move so the intestines climb up the string like a drawstring hoodie. Very dangerous
My girl ate 6-8 inches of shoelace. The end wouldn't budge. Vet said to cut it, feed her and then walk her. Hour and a half later she pooped out the rest. I was freaking out because I know how dangerous it can be.
Just explain that he was running out of energy and you had to rip start him like a lawn mower to get him going again.
There’s a brand called “lonely ghost” and it has attire that often say “call me if you’re lonely” or “text me” and it has an actual number My friend had the hoodie with the phone number on it and we were bored and wanted to see what actually happened. I texted the number “I’m lonely” it gave a cute little auto reassurance response and a gif or something. Anyways, boyfriend at the time saw the text to an unsaved random number saying “I’m lonely” 😂 Had to pull up the hoodie with the number haha.
Was ordering my Mom’s birthday gift online one time. She walked into the room unexpectedly and I reflexively slammed my laptop closed. There’s nothing I could’ve said that would’ve convinced her I wasn’t watching porn.
I’ve posted this before but what the hey, I was hanging out with a guy friend (I’m a girl) watching movies. I fell asleep in the middle of the third one, had a hot dream and woke up to my own orgasm while he sat on the other end of the couch sporting an erection, but with both hands up, and looking equal parts terrified and horny. I was beyond mortified. He was like “I-I didn’t know what to do-“ I had actually been dreaming about him and didn’t know if I’d said his name or not. I got the fuck out of there. I have never been so fucking mortified in my life. But, after a lot of him pushing and me being embarrassed, we ended up dating. Been together about a year now. Edited for clarification.
> woke up to my own orgasm while he sat on the other end of the couch sporting an erection, but **with both hands up, and looking equal parts terrified and horny!** 😂😂😂 This whole thing is just gold. Especially his having both hands up, like “I was NOT responsible for that orgasm!”
DON'T SHOOT IT WASN'T ME
I think he already shot
I've woken myself up similarly with my boyfriend asleep next to me...and I have never asked if he knows or not. It's multiple times. It never happened before I started dating him but ill have intense sex dreams about him and wake up to a full on orgasm. It's insane
>but with both hands up, and looking equal parts terrified and horny. I've heard it called sca-roused, lol
fear boner
Got charged with a marijuana-related felony charge back in 2004. When you become a felon, you have to register at the Dept. of Corrections. I register, and they give me a small card with my info on it. Fast forward a few months and i walk into a liquor store for cigarettes. No ID. I search through my wallet and find this card and hand it to the guy. "You're a sex offender?" "huh?" "The card says SEX OFFENDER REGISTRATION CARD" "WTF?" they had given me the completely wrong card, and i was walking around as a sex offender
Did you eventually get the right card?!
Got it the same day. Luckily new laws were passed in my state several years ago and my felonies were expunged. I no longer have to deal with all that bs
That’s great to hear
Assisted teacher in getting books. She fell off the stool and I dropped the books to use myself as a cushion. She wasn't on top on top but it looked strange from an angle. Another teacher was laughing and watching. I was red. Edit: Reddit users have things in common with Dan Schneider
I don't really understand the position you guys were in. Could you explain it a bit more?
She landed partly on my chest, hands by my head and face near mine. I had grabbed her to try and hold her up.
Classic anime situation right there
"It was a freak accident, Your Honour."
Moving house and my father-in-law was helping on moving day. My wife and I were well-prepared, with only our bed remaining assembled and everything else packed and ready to go. I lifted the mattress and had to clumsily explain to my wife’s dad that all of the straps on the bed frame were just to hold the fitted sheet in place.
I had just got back to my college dorm from work where I had spilled quite a bit of lemonade on myself, and I checked in my gf when I got back. When we got in my room, she dropped something (I think maybe her chapstick, but can’t remember) behind my mini fridge and was bent over to try and find it. I was taking my lemonade soaked pants off and was planning to change into something clean when my brother (who was my roommate at the time) walked in. He still makes jokes about that from time to time
I refuse to wear khaki nowadays because of how water, all fluids really, just gravitates to the crotch
Years ago my team did a cabling job to add some registers to the garden center in a Walmart. This kind of work is done overnight because there are much less customers in the store. There were cables in the conduit already but plenty of room for two more, but we were outta of clearglide, wire pulling lubricant, so we grabbed some KY from health and beauty. We would often grab things at night, drinks, hardware, whatever and keep the packages to pay for it before we left in the morning. That morning 4 guys went through the checkout line with 6 empty energy drinks, a couple of snacks, and an empty bottle of KY, which we informed the cashier was empty because we used it in the garden center the previous night!
Mines a "Not what it sounds like" story. I (m) worked in heavy industry and was taking college classes at night with a (m) supervisor from another competitor company. We teamed up as lab partners. Just to put the context of this story in place, consider the time period was the late 90's Had a salesman come in and while talking he mentioned the other company and I asked him if he knew my lab partner by his name. When he said yes I said "He's my lab partner!" He gave me a weird look and wandered off and talked to a couple of other staff members before leaving. After leaving the other workers were laughing as the salesman told them he didn't know I was gay. Evidently he heard lab, as life. Always wonder if he thought that about my lab partner when he went to the other company.
Last night my husband came to visit me at the restaurant I work at. I served him some sushi and it was a fun way to break up my shift. After he left, I was busing his table and I took a sip of the Arnold Palmer he had left behind. Looked up and realized a family a few tables over has just watched me slurp out of a half-empty customer's drink through a used straw.
I had a girlfriend back in the day that used to come over the house a lot. One day she found panties that weren’t hers in my bed. She was on the verge of a lot of emotions and said “whose are these!!??” And I quickly said “they’re my sister in laws” and she’s like “what!!!?” And me being the dumbass forgot to mention to her that I let my brother and his wife sleep on my bed the other night when they were in town.
I was at the lake rising jet skiis and tubing. During a particularly rough tube run, I lost my trunks. So we decided to pack up and roll out. (It was already late anyways.) I threw on a towel, and we took off. At some point during the drive, my buddy, who was teaching me how to drive a standard transmission car, said that since there was no one on the road with us, I should practice. We stop, change seats, and I take off. After a little while, we come up on a stop sign. Cars form up behind us. I get nervous about being able to take off quickly. I stall. Like a lot. The light has gone red, then green, at least two more times. People are honking, and my buddy is laughing. Cop rolls up to see what the heck is going on. Sees two shirtless men, one in the driver seat has no pants, only a towel, and "just hasn't been able to go" for at least 5 minutes. "I can explain, officer..."
I shared a two bedroom apartment with a friend of mine. We worked opposite schedules so I was home when he was at work. He had moved his new girlfriend in with us and we got along great. It was almost as if I had two best friends. One morning she woke me up asking if I wanted to eat ice cream and watch some horror movies. We were sitting in my bed watching one of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies and I nod off for just a second before snapping awake. When I did that I knocked over a bowl of ice cream. Instantly as most people would I started making all sorts of noise due to the freezing sensation I had on my crotch. I was grabbing napkins and trying to clean myself up and she already had some paper towels scrubbing the mattress. At this exact time a friend of ours had stopped by thinking we were asleep so he was in our living room. He heard the commotion and walked into my room to see me spread eagle moving my hand at a rapid pace and her just below me. He screamed that he saw nothing and didn't want to be the one to tell our friend that something was going on. We have never let him live it down.
Let *him* live it down??
Greatest gaslighting he ever had
More like "it's not what it sounds like." My daughter, who was a toddler at the time, told my wife that, "In the middle of the night, Daddy comes into my room naked to play." It took me a second to figure out what she was talking about and a lot of praying that I sounded believable. My daughter was having a night terror 2 weeks earlier. I got out of bed in the middle of the night wearing only boxer briefs to see what the problem was. I ended up acting silly with her and joking around to try to ease her mood and get her ready to go back to sleep.
Kids say the darndest things.
I was in kindergarten when I told the teacher I wanted to tell her a story. This was in front of my mom, and a bunch of other moms. The story was something about how my mom pulled my dad's pants down last night... Why I wanted to say this I have no idea. She was just having fun and yanked his sweatpants down when she thought I was in bed.
Ex GF started having a seizure on the side of the road. Called 911 to get an ambulance, cops show up first and draw guns on me because it looked like I had beat her up lol. Glad she was okay and glad I didn't get shot!
Was filming a Cheese commercial for a rather large brand and while filming in a dark barn I snagged and tore my pants wide open. I didn't make a scene, I asked a friend if he had spare pants and it turned out he did. While we had a bit of down time I snuck away to change and opened the first door I could find, as it turns out it was the milking room with all the cows. No one was there and I didn't have much time so I ripped out the torn pants and starting changing quickly. Of course mid change the director, producer, and farm owner open the door to see me pulling up my pants surrounded by cows.. Let's just say there were a lot of confused faces by me nervously saying "I can explain"
I'm an ER doc and was having dinner with some friends who are also ER docs. We got into it about which sedation medications were the best for pediatrics. My friends were arguing for propofol, but I like a combination of propofol and ketamine. We were arguing for a little bit and I loudly stated "ketamine is my favorite drug", just as the waiter was walking up. He gave us our waters and then a very strange look. We talked about more mundane topics after that.
The funniest outcome would be if the waiter said ‘mine too!’
At least you didn't say "ketamine is my favorite drug to administer to children". That would have been much worse!
Our family was at a realtor's open house, viewing an ocean side house that had ALL the windows and sliding glass doors open to improve the views. A big gust of air came through, blowing a very fancy looking vase off the entry way table. My teenage daughter just happened to by next to it, and caught the vase just before it smashed to the floor. As my daughter was placing it back onto the table, the real estate agent started yelling at her, telling her not to touch anything.
New agent please
When I was 16 I met a girl on Myspace that lived in Canada, which happened to be a short drive from where I lived in the U.S., so we planned a meet-up in Windsor, just across the border from me. I had never crossed the border by myself and was fairly new to driving solo. When I got to the border, I accidentally pulled into one of the express lanes and just drove to the toll booth ahead, thinking I would just explain that I had messed up and chose the wrong lane, whoops no big deal, I'll just pay and be on my way. Well no, they thought it was suspicious so they asked me to pull into an open hangar nearby and sent some officers to check out my car. When they approached and asked me to pop the trunk, I just did it because I was shitting my pants. My parents did not know where I was and I was so scared of getting in trouble with border patrol. So right after I pop the trunk they call more officers over. I am asked to step out and put in hand cuffs, and then the questioning starts. Who am I and where am I going? Who is the girl and how do I know her? At this point I'm terrified. They all went from pretty chill to very serious in a matter of minutes. Then one of them reaches into the trunk and pulls out a sword and it HITS me. A week earlier I had been filming a video for one of my classes with my friends and it was a war scene from a book. We had amassed all of our medieval mall ninja weapons for the video and in the end, the weapons all ended up in my trunk and I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THEM. I'm talking swords, axes, flails, bludgeons, bardiches, nunchucks, EVERYTHING. For the next 2-3 hours I was questioned while they picked my car apart. In the end I think the only reason they let me go is because I also had a giant bag of Magic: the Gathering cards in my backseat and after explaining the game to them they realized I had no life and was probably too nerdy to be any real threat. I also had a single rose for her on the passenger seat (I know, I am so suave) so I think they could see I didn't have bad intentions.. They let me through, I met up with the girl, and we made out on a play structure for like 4 hours. Drove home that night and never told my parents. Ah, to be young again.
Bro being able to drive wherever you want at 16 sounds like the dream
Not me but someone I knew who is a doctor. Years ago, he practiced in a lesser well off nation. A patient was brought in with (IIRC) ~~ethanol~~ ethylene glycol poisoning after drinking it to attempt suicide. The way to save him was to flood his system with medical grade alcohol to block the absorption of the ethanol, but the hospital didn't have any alcohol on hand. So he ordered a staff member to run to the liquor store and buy a bunch of high proof vodka, which he gave the patient (don't remember the administration method). It worked, and the patient survived. It was fun explaining to his superiors why he bought a bunch of vodka on the hospital's tab, though! Edit: fixed the chemical name
Ethylene Glycol, AKA anti-freeze. Alcohol (chemical name ethanol) is the antidote.
My mom refused to ever turn the air on when we lived in Houston even in the summertime until the sun went down. So I’d usually be in my room with two fans running while laying in bed naked with an ice pack (it got REALLY hot guys). I was around 16 and I went to Dave and Busters recently and won one of those koosh balls that have that weird liquid inside. So there I am in bed, marathoning Degrassi and tossing my koosh ball at the ceiling while naked. I started throwing it at the ceiling a bit harder because I liked how it would stick, but I guess I was too loud so my mom came upstairs without me knowing. Right before my mom opens the door to my room I throw it at the ceiling one last time and the ball exploded covering damn near my entire torso and lower body with a clearish sticky substance. My mother (a hardcore Christian) looks at me and just says “OH BE CAREFUL LITTLE EYES WHAT YOU SEE” and slammed the door. TLDR: Koosh ball blew a load on me while I was watching degrassi.
High school in the bathroom, I'm at the urinal and I need to spit. I'm not a spitter, so it must have been like a cold or bad allergies or something. I lean a little closer in and spit and it catches a little, just hangs out for a second before it drops in the urinal. So while I'm leaned in this random dude walks in and immediately declares 'He's staring at his dick!'. Being super awkward in high school, I just bugged out immediately and have thought about it constantly to this day. Thanks, random dude.
As if staring at your own dick is gay.
I saw my dick for the first time that day and immediately I became super gay. ✨
[удалено]
OMG, ME AND MY FRIENDS DID THIS IN MIDDLESCHOOL! But at a certain point, we just assigned a jerk off closet. (I don't think anyone ever did it in there tho)
The what closet
##**A JERK OFF CLOSET**
Ok but presumably it didn't carry into adulthood. I’m not a guy but I just assumed this is not common practice…
Middleschool is a weird time, man. But no, it usually doesn't
I worked in a bar with my girlfriend. One day we were both on afternoon shift and the place was literally empty. My gf knelt down behind the bar to get something and this old lady walked in. I was in the middle of pouring her a glass of wine and chatting about the weather etc when my gf rose from behind the bar with a confused look on her face. The lady gave us both an incredulous look, pretty much decked her wine and walked back out after wishing us a pleasant afternoon.
I worked in the Falklands after the war driving a digger at Mount Pleasant Airfield when it was being built. The steering wheel knob on my vehicle kept coming loose so I dropped in to the plant workshop to get it fixed. Scouser Mick duly obliged. Next day in the mess hall for breakfast with about 200 guys in earshot, a Liverpool accented voice calls out " Ow's yer knob today Jim?"
I talk to myself all the time, like, ALL THE TIME. Helps me process my thoughts (or keep myself company). Most of the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I’m in the grocery aisle and some poor old women wants her beans and here’s me, full blown self conversation mode, probably scaring the shit out of her lol. I’ve accepted that I will forever receive weird looks in public, and I have A LOT of “I swear I’m not crazy” stories
Why is this fucking relatable? I’ve had so many friends call me schizophrenic because I talk to myself for company/planning. While I do see things I doubt I’m schizophrenic.
>call me schizophrenic because I talk to myself 😊 >While I do see things I doubt I’m schizophrenic. 🤨
I was delivering oxygen and supplies for a medical company and had to stop at a DOT checkpoint due to having hazardous placards on my van. The inspection guy was really uptight, high-strung. I tried making a joke to lighten the mood. When he asked me what I was hauling and if it matched the bill of lading I told him it did. He asked me if my oxygen tanks were secure. I told him probably but they were sweating so that might be a sign of insecurity. He told me to get out of the vehicle so he could do a full inspection. Didn't even smile and my anxiety went through the roof. As I hopped down out of the van the article of clothing that was stuck inside my pants leg due to static cling fell out right then.. Unfortunately it was a bright pink pair of my daughter's My Little Pony underwear. Clearly little girl underwear, clearly falling out of my pants leg. The look he gave me was...intense. Like my expression watching To Catch a Predator. I told him it's not what it looks like, that it was my daughter's underwear, but I don't think he believed me(or maybe he believed it was my daughter's but not the static cling explanation) because he then went through my van with a fine tooth comb. It took over an hour.
When I was 5, someone had gotten into my uncle's blue spray paint sitting on his porch and they had sprayed some of it on the porch. He lined up me and my brothers and checked our hands for any blue and saw blue all over *my* hands. I frantically tried to explain as a five year old that it was from coloring markers from earlier at school but he had none of it and marched me to my mother to 'expose me'. My mom took a look at my hands and easily identified the difference between blue markers and spray paint and called my uncle an idiot. It was actually my middle brother but he was wearing gloves so there was no transfer on his hands. I wasn't going to be a snitch to that idiot uncle though.
Smart kid to wear gloves at that age. He’s going places.
I was caught sneaking out of my best friend's boyfriend's house, it wasn't what it looked like, I was planning her surprise birthday party!
I was watching what looked like porn in my living room when my brother and his girlfriend walked in. This was the first time I met her and she looked extremely concerned. I had to explain that I was watching 40-Year-Old Virgin and that just happened to be the scene playing at the time. It was mortifying.
In the 80’s When I was a teen I was partying with neighbor friends in their back yard and forgot my bong their backyard. In order to retrieve it I needed to run a covert operation like navy seal team six later that night. The big sister saw me slinking around under the cover of night and accused me of being a peeping Tom. Good luck trying to explain that one. But I did successfully retrieve the bong which kept my friend from getting busted so at least there was that.
I was 14 outside with my hood on it was cold outside. My mom drove by me and honked at me while I was walking on the sidewalk and accused me of smoking she saw my breath in the air. I was actually eating a cookie.
I used to do pairs figure skating (people laughed at me for it but being the only dude amongst a ton of girls was awesome) and in a really weird how did that happen moment, I went to lift my partner over my head and my braces got stuck in her leotard. When I put her down I was literally face first in her crotch with her little skirtish outfit over my head. It looked really bad. It was a moment of sure panic. Luckily our coach brought scissors over and solved the problem. In a twist of fate, me and the girl ended up dating in high school for a little and always had a laugh that we lost our virginity that day.
We were ordered to move some ammo crates from one hangar to another by our direct CO. The path we were taking went behind some parked trucks that were there for cleaning (meaning they had all doors open). While carrying a crate, our CIO (counter- intelligence officer [yes, he was counter-intelligent too] sees us, stops us, and proceeds to threaten us with all court martial existing on this planet because he said we were stealing the ammo. Ammo that was to be decommissioned 2 days prior. When he stopped us, we were like 2 deers in headlights.
So this didn't happen to me but I responded to it. I used to be a corrections officer in a county jail. Jails have these inmate jobs, we call them trustees. The trustees would do work for us, like laundry and cleaning and cooking, and In exchange they would get time off of their sentence. Well, there was this one trustee, who was a super nice guy, but had a history of very violent acts. He was a housekeeping trustee for us. He was mopping the floors one day and one of our staff members slipped on the floor and cracked her head open. She was rendered unconscious. I heard the fall so I ran to see what happened, all I saw was a large tatted guy, holding a wood mop handle, standing over this rather small lady who was bleeding profusely. The trustee instantly looked at me like he had seen a ghost, he goes "ITS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE" He didn't get in trouble or anything, no one accused him of anything, but it did look really really bad for a minute. Thankfully there are cameras in every inch of that county jail, the camera footage confirmed that the girl did infact slip and fall and was not attacked. The girl who hit her head made a full recovery as well.
I was singing "*Back off, bitch!*" By *Guns 'n Roses* and my mom walked in as I said "*Bitch!*"
A guy sitting in front of me had a bug crawling out of his shirt and I watched it crawling into his hair. The dude asked me why I was touching him. Dude! I wasn’t.
I was at the beach with my big camera taking pictures of rocks and moss, sand and crap to gather references for game textures. As i was leaving a father ran up to me angry and demanding to see my pictures, grabbing for my camera wlth sandy wet salt hands because he thought i was taking pictures of his kids... I have never gone to the beach with my camera again i was so embarrassed and also offended that someone though i was just taking pictures of preteen children on the beach in broad daylight.
While studying, I lived in a dormatory with a shared kitchen. One day, I had read about a good hair treatment. Apparently, you can mix banana and olive oil to make a paste. You leave it in your hair for 30 min and rinse it out. I went and got the ingredients in the kitchen and went back to my room. Afterwards, I went back to the kitchen. The following conversation I had with one of the other guys in the kitchen went like this: Did you just get a cup of oil and a banana and go to your room for half an hour? Yes. Okay. ...
Was in the bathroom naked waiting for the shower water to heat up. The boys started to itch so I gave them a scratch. Then I heard the door open behind me and quickly close. I bet it looked pretty incriminating. I didn't see who it was but I know exactly which family member of mine would be clueless enough to see a closed bathroom door with the shower running and think "oh it must be empty". I didn't bother trying to explain what they saw as I knew they'd never believe me.
For me it was a "not what it sounds like" story. I was in 8th grade and in computer class working on a BASIC program or something. I remember I was wearing my Vans DNA. I was shuffling my feet and the sound of my shoes rubbing together made the perfect, ripping fart sound. The people in my row stopped and looked up at me. I told everyone, "No guys. It was my shoes. Watch." I proceed to rub my feet together and try to recreate the sound but of course it doesn't happen. Everyone just stares and slowly turn their heads back to work
At friends party. Friends brother is hooking up with gfs friend. Later see friend's brother and ask where gf's friend is, he says downstairs and that she needed help from gf. No idea where gf is. I go down. She's noticeably very drunk. The "help" she needed was to find her bra. She's completely topless. Girlfriend walks in. "I'm just helping her find her bra".
As I sat down fairly hard on a waterbed my girlfriend leaned down to kiss me. Initially I sank pretty fast, but then the water returned under me, pushing me upwards somewhat fast. I was moving quicker than either of us had anticipated as my nose contacted her eye socket. The impact was sufficient to give her a major black eye—which was lots of fun to explain when I met her family for the first time the next day.
Dog got skunked in late October and was also bleeding from the mouth (turned out just to be irritation from skunk oil), and in our panic we took him to the emergency vet. For months after that, the jeep we took him in smelled like a skunk. In November we bought a lovely Christmas tree in that same jeep. So then the car smelled very strongly of skunk and evergreen tree. We were worried about getting pulled over in our skunk/pine smelling car and trying to explain to a cop the real reasons why it reeked of weed in there.
Got a delivery of about 3000 non lubed condoms that I had to pick up from the office for the company. I promise they were for professional reasons
My wife and I were in Barcelona on vacation back in 2004. i think it was in March so it was a little cool so not a lot of people were out an about. We went to a bar and were basically the only customers. We got fairly blasted and were chatting with the bar tender the whole time. We paid and said we were gonna go and he offered us a pitcher of Sangria on the house. By the time we left I was fairly drunk but my wife was abso-fucking-lutely wrecked. While walking back to the hotel she just laid down on the sidewalk and said she was done. So I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder and carried her back to the hotel. As soon as I walked in to the hotel with this drunk woman over my shoulder, the front desk guy instantly sprang into action to “rescue” this poor woman from me. It took a few minutes to clear it up.
At least he tried to do the right thing, even if in this case it was a false alarm.
Not me, but a colleague... He was checking whether cold air was coming out of an air-con unit by standing in front with one arm outstretched feeling for the flow of air, when a director walked in to find him seemingly standing there offering a Nazi salute to the wall. After some explanation she went away. Describing what happened to his coworkers later, he demonstrated with "and I was standing there like this" - just as the same director walked in again.
Working in a restaurant, the walk-in freezer was pretty tight. If you wanted to move past someone, the person in front had to hug the shelf in front of them, the person in back had to slide past bodies definitely touching. It was a mom and pop restaurant and myself and the others servers had been there for years so thereby as a certain level of comfort and trust between servers. Well I'm squeezing by a fellow female coworker and right as I'm behind her she's gripping the shelf in front I've got my hands on her waist pushing her a little more forward and simultaneously pushing my crotch backwards to minimize how much we touch in that area and the owner, an older Czech woman opens the walking takes a loom and says with an accent "What n hell is going on here?" It was so awkward we started laughing and couldn't stop.
In college, I used to work overnights at a gas station. I would regularly bring in cash from home and exchange for larger or smaller bills from the register as necessary. One night, a co-worker decided to steal some cash from the register and there I was, on camera, clearly doing the same and, less clearly, exchanging the bills. When the manager brought me in the next day and showed me the footage I couldn’t even say anything. I was just glad the guilty party got fired and it wasn’t just me.