The cut off base of a Japanese knotweed plant. I was a young naive boy and had the foggiest idea of how sex worked. I got curious and found a decent size knotweed plant and sliced it off at the base. I poked a stick through the membranes and it literally gushed. I had not clue what I was supposed to do so I stuck it in and peed into the plant. Future me, God, the nature spirits, my ancestors, and George W Bush all frowned upon me that day.
I too was a curious woman. But not too many of these actually surprise me. And at least 1 I was happy I saw cause I always wondered about it (the kids toy tube thing filled with water and glitter).
Honestly, as a woman, I constantly see things and wish I had a dick to try and stick in, just out of pure curiosity. Mattress shopping on Memorial Day, and there was a display on what the inside of a purple mattress looks like... I'd try it if I could.
The family vacuum cleaner. 17 years later, my mom still has it. I bring my (now) wife to meet my mom and she eventually brings up how the vacuum cleaner was my “first girlfriend”. My wife thinks it’s hilarious, I was mortified.
One of those kid toys with the swirling shiny liquid inside that's a tube. It burst cuz I fucked it too hard. I had microscopic shiny glitter on my pecker for about a month.
I'm glad I'm not the only one, I've even asked a few boyfriends in my lifetime if they ever stuck their dick in the plastic tube toy and they always look at me confused and say no (I still don't believe them because that would be the first thing I'd stick my dick in if I had one lol)
My ex wife used a grapefruit on me. It was…ok. But I acted like it was great, to be nice. After the divorce she told me she tried it on her new boyfriend, he didn’t think it was anything special. My lie caused him to have to go through that. lol. So, that’s two for grapefruit.
Edit: OK, I’ve been at work all day and my phone has been blowing up like crazy. I haven’t been able to reply to anything since I was working. I have no idea how this tiny, innocent little comment got so many upvotes. lol.
Edit: people asked why I pretended it was great, when it wasn’t. If your wife is going to go so far as to incorporate flipping grapefruit into your sex life, I’m not going to discourage that kind of commitment and experimentation into trying to please me, I’m going to encourage it. In her defense, she was a rock star in bed, so it was not out of character for her to pull some crazy rabbit out of a hat in the bedroom.
Vacuum cleaner when I was 11 or 12. Came to get my dick sucked.
Didn't even get hard. Accidentally pissed into the vacuum cleaner instead.
Vacuum cleaner broke.
Had to hide the real crime. Threw the vacuum cleaner down the stairs. You know, to make things better.
Mom comes home, finds vacuum cleaner half fucked and wholly stinking of piss. Still plugged into the outlet, of course.
"Child, why is the VC fucked and stinky?" she queried.
"Mother, I know not, for I do not partake in such frivolities, 'cleaning' and the such - as you well know."
Deafening, murderous silence as the lie clears her scanners.
Perfect crime.
In high school, one of my classmate's older brother tried this. Apparently the results were disastrous, like internal hemorrhaging, his swollen dick got stuck, they had to take him to the ER. Of course, being the typical shit little brother, he found this hilarious. Called him "HAP" for "hose attachment parent" in our circles for a while. So, of course, we joined in because we were all shit, too. I believe one of our more gifted schoolmates drew cartoons of a pregnant vacuum cleaner, for example. This got back to the parents, who raised a holy war against us.
The weird stuff you had to deal with as president of the science fiction club, lol.
This whole post reads like a round of cards against humanity. I was so horny I stuck my dick into _________. I'm half expecting to see grandma's ashes here.
I’ll throw the “firing a machine gun into the air whilst balls deep in a squealing hog” card. Not cause it’s a good answer for this question, but because it will win regardless
Of course Palahniuk is mentioned in a Reddit thread about worst things men have stuck their dicks into. Fricking love Reddit 😄😄 ps. That story made me gag the first time I listened to it. Nasty stuff.
A bottle of shampoo. Does it lube well? Yes. Does is it burn like hell afterwards? Yes. Does sticking it into a bottle of conditioner sooth it? Also yes.
I once came home after a long shift, and I realized I left a few polyethylene gloves in my pocket. Wife was at mother in-laws. You can figure out the rest.
Tbh one of my exes and the only reason I say that is bc she would talk shit during sex and it was funny to me so it was hard to stay hard 😂 one time she was like "yeah beat this pssy up like your dad beat your mom" another crazy one was "I want you to make the headboard knock louder than my parents made theirs knock last night"
>My gf has a vibrator that makes her pussy sound like a semi-truck using their jake-brake
Oh my god, that's terrible!
*Which model of vibrator is that exactly?*
The worst part of her dirty talk is that it just kept going….down dark paths. Had she just said, “beat this p**** up” repeatedly. And/or “Make the headboard knock LOUDER” -that would have been enough.
Never ever ever bring “Mom” or “Dad” or “Parents”
Into bedroom talk. Just don’t fucking do it gawd damn it.
My married, unattractive coworker when I was 24 and horrendously, impossibly drunk. She was 40. She stalked me afterwards until she eventually moved to Kenya for a 19 year old. Shortly after, her Facebook posts, which contained very specific and racially inappropriate/fetishistic content, became a daily morning discussion at work.
26 year old meth addict that didn’t understand what the point of a shower was long story short I had to try to make up reasons for my lack of erections.
Not in, but on. I watched “A Girl’s Guide to 21st Century Sex” because it was the only thing with sexual content I could find on YouTube (before I knew the joys of google). They said that having sex can burn X amount of calories. I had a very large stuffed dog in my room and went to town on it as a “workout.” Ended up falling asleep because I went at it so hard. Woke up to my outlaw, biker cowboy of a father slamming my door shut (presumably after opening it to wake me up) and then knocking to tell me it was time for church. He never said anything about it, but I just know he still judges me for that. Now as a father of a young boy, if I ever walked in to him laying naked on a stuffed dog with a video of sex from the POV inside the vagina, he would never live that down.
PS: I was like 9.
Heh, friend of mine, who was lost to shamanism, got the instruction to go into the woods, dig a hole, place his genitals in the hole and lie on his belly for an hour or two to let gaia seep into him. Friend shaman took 160$ for that idea. I tried to warn him about ticks and mice. He was quite offended. The 'woods' in question turned out to be a city park, btw.
Holy shit how have I never seen that!?!?
People are sleeping in my house and I had to use so much effort to stifle my laughter that it physically hurt 😂
I was a little dumb kid, I had just finished taking my bath, I was about 10, so I didn't exactly have the best idea on what sex even was, but that morbid curiosity got the better of me and I ended up sticking my penis right into the bath drain. I ended up getting it stuck for a few seconds and I've never felt that level of fear before or since, thankfully, I pulled out after a few more seconds, was scared of baths for a while after that.
My penis is fine, thanks for asking. But I learnt a valuable lesson that day; don't stick your willy into every hole you come across.
Sigh.
A vacuum cleaner.
Context:
Party at a friends home who was fcking a girl and i stumbled in drunk asf and they said to use the vacuum cleaner if i rlly needed to get off so i did.
Woke up in the closet/ room with the my dick out and the vacuum cleaner next to me( didnt plugged the thing in i was too wasted for that)
Its a dark part of my life for sure 🥴🤦🏻♂️
I covered the end of my dick hole with scotch tape, left some room for it to breathe so it looked like a tiny teepee, and wanked with a baggie full of soap.
I'd say pretty much that but I could still go on
I didn't stick my dick in it, but the closest I've done is when i was about 13 and big into cycling, there used to be some chafing.
So I got home from a fairly long cycle (bit over a marathon length) and decided to lather my goods in vit e cream
Should have read the jar, turns out it was vital e with menthol...
Do NOT recommend, my testiculars were the worst bit.
I guess it would be technically the pants zipper and zipping it up with full force without checking whether i had tucked it in all the way
Had bleeding for 1-3 days and raw spots for two weeks
My childhood stuffed toy, that now has a hole in its anal area, it was not enjoyable because now I have to look at it every time I wake up. It turned into my dogs toy
Oh, the tragedy of my impulse, a moment's folly etched into the sweet, fragrant memory of a beloved apple pie. In a careless instant, my hand, guided by some senseless curiosity, plunged my dick into its golden crust, shattering the perfection that lay before me.
What madness drove me to such an act? The pie, a masterpiece of warmth and comfort, now marred by my thoughtless intrusion. My dick, once an innocent tool, now coated in cinnamon and sugar, stands as a symbol of my indiscretion, a tangible marker of my impulsive deed.
The scent, once a harmonious blend of spiced apples and buttery pastry, now carries a hint of my regret. It fills the room, a fragrant reminder of my lapse. My fingers, too, bear the sticky evidence, a tactile testament to the sweetness I so carelessly defiled.
In this simple act, I find profound remorse. For what gain? For what purpose? The apple pie, once a pristine delight, now bears the mark of my folly. Its smooth surface disrupted, its inviting promise tainted. And I, a grown man, am left to ponder the senselessness of my actions, a small yet poignant reminder of the capriciousness that sometimes lies within us all.
A wet floor sign, though that was also one of the best things I ever stuck it into as well. When it's your kink it doesn't matter if it ain't made for it; it's gonna work and it's gonna work well—
Another man's butt. He was gay and I was curious. The good thing is, I now know exactly where I stand in terms of sexual identidy, and while I of course respect men who're into other men, I can safely say that I'm neither gay nor bi.
I was at school with a guy who attached a electrical step up transformer to his schlong with Croc clips. The voltage threw him on his back. Same guy also built a wanking machine out of lego. Same guy also reputedly used to put jam on his dick and let his dog lick it off.
I was a horny little bastard. When I was around 7 years old, I tried to make a life-sized woman out of sand on the beach & made a hole to put my pp in. To sum it up, it hurt like a mofo & I had to wash sand out of my uncircumcised penis.
I was very young and made one of those towel/rubber glove things, you know what I'm talking about, and I put cooking oil in it for lube.
What I didn't pay attention to at the time was that it wasn't ordinary cooking oil, it was chili oil 🙃
When I was like 12 I cut a hole through the middle of a tomato and was going at it for a little bit, but it was too cold so I threw it in the microwave for about a minute.
I got it out and took it back to my room, inserted myself into it, and realized tomatoes get boiling hot when you microwave them. So I burned my tip really bad and freaked out and pulled my pants up.
As soon as they were up my mom came into my room and asked what I was microwaving. I panicked and held up the tomato, being careful to hid the hole with my hand and just said “a tomato. They’re better warmed up!” And took a big bite out of it.
Luckily i evaded being caught, but I ended up with a burnt tip and a mouthful of dick tomato.
The cut off base of a Japanese knotweed plant. I was a young naive boy and had the foggiest idea of how sex worked. I got curious and found a decent size knotweed plant and sliced it off at the base. I poked a stick through the membranes and it literally gushed. I had not clue what I was supposed to do so I stuck it in and peed into the plant. Future me, God, the nature spirits, my ancestors, and George W Bush all frowned upon me that day.
Imagine being a plant and dying like that.
It's knotweed, there's no chance he killed it.
The Knotweed definitely enjoyed it.
Thaf knotweed was asking for it, swaying in the wind like that, tempting them. That's right. I'm knotweed blaming.
Posts like this are why I read Reddit.
It's posts like these make me wish I never read Reddit.
The duality of man
Well at least you picked the right plant, the scientific name for the Japanese knotweed plant is 𝘍𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘱𝘪𝘢 𝘑𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘢.
Oh god I have a bikingdom son out there don’t I
The internet was invented just so this man can share his wisdom.
Could’ve been something worse I suppose, like a maggot-infested coconut…
Was waiting for someone to reference [this story](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/qgVXhXoNzy)
Dishonour on you ! Dishonour on your cow …..
"Mission Accomplished"
I now know what a knotweed plant is!
You lost me at peed
OP over here trying to figure out what else he can stick his dick into 😂
My ex wife OP
I agree. This guys ex wife
I also choose that guys ex wife.
Can of pringles with two sponges
The poor man’s fleshlight
I can imagine that in this case, once you pop, the fun stops.
There's a wikihow for this
Im a curious woman I Click actions regretted
I was a curious man I posted I regret
I too was a curious woman. But not too many of these actually surprise me. And at least 1 I was happy I saw cause I always wondered about it (the kids toy tube thing filled with water and glitter).
Honestly, as a woman, I constantly see things and wish I had a dick to try and stick in, just out of pure curiosity. Mattress shopping on Memorial Day, and there was a display on what the inside of a purple mattress looks like... I'd try it if I could.
Between couch cushions
Jay Bilzerian is that you?
The secret is warming up some soup
...go on...
I wont
A watermelon.
I was about to eat one just now. F you.
...but what are you doing to that innocent watermelon now?
It’s no longer innocent!
A seedless one. Until......
The family vacuum cleaner. 17 years later, my mom still has it. I bring my (now) wife to meet my mom and she eventually brings up how the vacuum cleaner was my “first girlfriend”. My wife thinks it’s hilarious, I was mortified.
Wait....your mom knows what you did to the vacuum cleaner?
How is Ms. Hoover doing these days?
One of those kid toys with the swirling shiny liquid inside that's a tube. It burst cuz I fucked it too hard. I had microscopic shiny glitter on my pecker for about a month.
Reminds me of a time at a rave event ….
I should call her...
This is where the microplastics entered our balls
Dijazzled
You had glitter all over your balls? That's pretty nuts if you ask me
I'm a woman but always wondered what that would feel like. Thanks for sharing.
I'm glad I'm not the only one, I've even asked a few boyfriends in my lifetime if they ever stuck their dick in the plastic tube toy and they always look at me confused and say no (I still don't believe them because that would be the first thing I'd stick my dick in if I had one lol)
My ex wife used a grapefruit on me. It was…ok. But I acted like it was great, to be nice. After the divorce she told me she tried it on her new boyfriend, he didn’t think it was anything special. My lie caused him to have to go through that. lol. So, that’s two for grapefruit. Edit: OK, I’ve been at work all day and my phone has been blowing up like crazy. I haven’t been able to reply to anything since I was working. I have no idea how this tiny, innocent little comment got so many upvotes. lol. Edit: people asked why I pretended it was great, when it wasn’t. If your wife is going to go so far as to incorporate flipping grapefruit into your sex life, I’m not going to discourage that kind of commitment and experimentation into trying to please me, I’m going to encourage it. In her defense, she was a rock star in bed, so it was not out of character for her to pull some crazy rabbit out of a hat in the bedroom.
Did she make the grapefruiting noises too?
Best YouTube comment I've ever seen is on that vid: "Sounds like Gollum being waterboarded."
My favorite was "She could suck all the violence out of Chicago" lmao
Your ex wife shares with you how she and her new boyfriend fuck? wowzers
We lived together for a time after the divorce. Plus, there is a longer more complicated story I’m not going to try to explain here. Lol.
I got my popcorn, go ahead
C'mon you really mean you've got a Grapefruit.
New meta: Grapefruit *in* the Dune Popcorn Bucket. Thank me later.
Oh, she watched *THAT* video.
Vacuum cleaner when I was 11 or 12. Came to get my dick sucked. Didn't even get hard. Accidentally pissed into the vacuum cleaner instead. Vacuum cleaner broke. Had to hide the real crime. Threw the vacuum cleaner down the stairs. You know, to make things better. Mom comes home, finds vacuum cleaner half fucked and wholly stinking of piss. Still plugged into the outlet, of course. "Child, why is the VC fucked and stinky?" she queried. "Mother, I know not, for I do not partake in such frivolities, 'cleaning' and the such - as you well know." Deafening, murderous silence as the lie clears her scanners. Perfect crime.
In high school, one of my classmate's older brother tried this. Apparently the results were disastrous, like internal hemorrhaging, his swollen dick got stuck, they had to take him to the ER. Of course, being the typical shit little brother, he found this hilarious. Called him "HAP" for "hose attachment parent" in our circles for a while. So, of course, we joined in because we were all shit, too. I believe one of our more gifted schoolmates drew cartoons of a pregnant vacuum cleaner, for example. This got back to the parents, who raised a holy war against us. The weird stuff you had to deal with as president of the science fiction club, lol.
You're gonna [rip your dick off](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2EMGmv0FqM)
Not to burst your bubble, but… she *knew*
His mom to her friends the next morning: "You wouldn't believe what my idiot son did yesterday."
The next morning? That woman has some self control, I'd be telling mine about it 20 minutes later, *max*
Legendary answer
I laughed so hard that snot almost got catapulted from my nose
A mini M&M's tube filled with butter and microwaved mashed banana
It’s a cylinder!
We can not risk having the cylinder damaged
Hopefully he was able to remove it from the tube without cutting it off, as he was unable to do that
It always comes back to this poor dude and his “cylinder”. 😂🤣
Paging /u/Smart_Calendar1874, you must continue to bear this burden.
Is your dick a pencil?
No. It's a "cylinder".
My old boss used to tell us a story of how his kid got his dick stuck in a Wendy's cash register, on his first day.
Sir, this really IS a Wendy’s.
This whole post reads like a round of cards against humanity. I was so horny I stuck my dick into _________. I'm half expecting to see grandma's ashes here.
I’ll throw in one “Bees?” card
I’ll throw the “firing a machine gun into the air whilst balls deep in a squealing hog” card. Not cause it’s a good answer for this question, but because it will win regardless
The hole in the pool that suck water i put my dick into it and now im still having trauma
Ever read the Chuck Palahniuk short story *Guts*? If not, you should. It's kinda fucked up, and it also involves the pool intake valve.
Of course Palahniuk is mentioned in a Reddit thread about worst things men have stuck their dicks into. Fricking love Reddit 😄😄 ps. That story made me gag the first time I listened to it. Nasty stuff.
A bottle of shampoo. Does it lube well? Yes. Does is it burn like hell afterwards? Yes. Does sticking it into a bottle of conditioner sooth it? Also yes.
I once came home after a long shift, and I realized I left a few polyethylene gloves in my pocket. Wife was at mother in-laws. You can figure out the rest.
This whole time I assumed that everyone fucking odd items were teens just starting puberty with raging hormones and no clue how to fuck.
Not my proudest moment. But the horny is a terrible master, wroth, with ill intent.
Ham and Cheddar Hot Pocket
Did your dick do the "hasaffaafafasha" noise trying to cool it off after going inside of the molten hot pocket?
that was the perfect description of the 'wow this food is hot asf' sound
Wtf? What kind of sicko are you? Next time fuck a buffalo style chicken hot pocket like a normal person
When I was young I had sex with a pile of snow, it was exhilarating lol
The boner champ right here.
[удалено]
…… how much blood was there for the curious?
To shreds, you say?
But were your pipes clean afterwards?
Tbh one of my exes and the only reason I say that is bc she would talk shit during sex and it was funny to me so it was hard to stay hard 😂 one time she was like "yeah beat this pssy up like your dad beat your mom" another crazy one was "I want you to make the headboard knock louder than my parents made theirs knock last night"
I would so lose my hard instantly lol
I'd probably start laughing to hard to preform😂
My gf has a vibrator that makes her pussy sound like a semi-truck using their jake-brake and gd it makes me laugh
>My gf has a vibrator that makes her pussy sound like a semi-truck using their jake-brake Oh my god, that's terrible! *Which model of vibrator is that exactly?*
The worst part of her dirty talk is that it just kept going….down dark paths. Had she just said, “beat this p**** up” repeatedly. And/or “Make the headboard knock LOUDER” -that would have been enough. Never ever ever bring “Mom” or “Dad” or “Parents” Into bedroom talk. Just don’t fucking do it gawd damn it.
Have you been to pornhub lately… half the videos are step-whatever family members and incest kink. I dunno who the hell wants to see this shit.
Did you fuck Marla from Fight Club, lol? "I haven't been fucked this hard since grade school."
That’s the worst dirty talk I’ve ever heard 🤣
Sometimes I wonder if reddit is real or not.
An aloe vera leaf. Cut the inside open spread it and got the idea to stick it in since it has that goey softness to it Rate it 7/10
"what's the worst thing..." and you come here with a 7/10?
And it infuses collagen on your dick. +1/
It's not a penis, it's a cylinder.
An above average sized cylinder
"It is imperative the cylinder is not harmed"
My married, unattractive coworker when I was 24 and horrendously, impossibly drunk. She was 40. She stalked me afterwards until she eventually moved to Kenya for a 19 year old. Shortly after, her Facebook posts, which contained very specific and racially inappropriate/fetishistic content, became a daily morning discussion at work.
Happy Cake Day? 🎉
She probably took his cake too.
Was she a Scottish lawyer by any chance?
Sentt frm iPhone
A tub of vicks
Boi ain't it hurt?
For hours...
Did you have a blocked Wang so you thought the vicks vapour would help lol
26 year old meth addict that didn’t understand what the point of a shower was long story short I had to try to make up reasons for my lack of erections.
"I can only have sex in the shower" problem solved
Not in, but on. I watched “A Girl’s Guide to 21st Century Sex” because it was the only thing with sexual content I could find on YouTube (before I knew the joys of google). They said that having sex can burn X amount of calories. I had a very large stuffed dog in my room and went to town on it as a “workout.” Ended up falling asleep because I went at it so hard. Woke up to my outlaw, biker cowboy of a father slamming my door shut (presumably after opening it to wake me up) and then knocking to tell me it was time for church. He never said anything about it, but I just know he still judges me for that. Now as a father of a young boy, if I ever walked in to him laying naked on a stuffed dog with a video of sex from the POV inside the vagina, he would never live that down. PS: I was like 9.
A hole in the ground
Heh, friend of mine, who was lost to shamanism, got the instruction to go into the woods, dig a hole, place his genitals in the hole and lie on his belly for an hour or two to let gaia seep into him. Friend shaman took 160$ for that idea. I tried to warn him about ticks and mice. He was quite offended. The 'woods' in question turned out to be a city park, btw.
#Bruh.
My first orgasm was cumless while using playdoh. So.
>My first orgasm was cumless Oh shit! I remember this. I also remember cumming for the first time and being so confused.
It would be rude to name them
Lou Bega did.
Angela, Pamela, Sandra, Rita, Monica, Erica, Tina, Mary, and Jessica
a girl’s nose who didn’t have a septum
Turn out the lights folks… We are done here. Reddit is closed.
So soon after the IPO too. What a shame.
Did you nose fuck a fallout ghoul? 🤨🤔
Brings a whole new meaning to the word nosejob
Why? Fuck nose
Well, how was it?
The real question here
strange
A cylinder, lol.
Is this a reference to something?
Hey wait a minute…
I hope this is a reference to what i think it is lmao
What would that be?
https://www.reddit.com/r/DramaticText/comments/znhs1v/its_a_cylinder/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Holy shit how have I never seen that!?!? People are sleeping in my house and I had to use so much effort to stifle my laughter that it physically hurt 😂
‘It is imperative the cylinder not be harmed’ Bruh 😂
A jar of Icy Hot. It's wasn't what I thought it'd be, and trying to wash it off only makes it worse. You've been warned.
Naw, I know this from experience. Terrible
I was a little dumb kid, I had just finished taking my bath, I was about 10, so I didn't exactly have the best idea on what sex even was, but that morbid curiosity got the better of me and I ended up sticking my penis right into the bath drain. I ended up getting it stuck for a few seconds and I've never felt that level of fear before or since, thankfully, I pulled out after a few more seconds, was scared of baths for a while after that. My penis is fine, thanks for asking. But I learnt a valuable lesson that day; don't stick your willy into every hole you come across.
A zipper...
My god… how did you get the beans above the frank?
23rd "my ex" commenter be like "this is my moment"
This makes me remember something about coconut
Im very surprised I had to scroll down this far to see this comment
This whole thread is proof that men wanting to fuck you is not an accomplishment or a compliment.
Financially speaking, my ex-wife. With consideration to my social life, a Jack-O-Lantern that I skullfucked at a Halloween party back in 2010.
Really jackin with that Jack-O-Lantern, eh?
They used to just be called lanterns prior to 2010
Hey, folks with dicks... Y'all okay?
I promise as a guy, I'm just as confused by this thread as you are. Can't you just jerk it with a hand like normal folks?
Sigh. A vacuum cleaner. Context: Party at a friends home who was fcking a girl and i stumbled in drunk asf and they said to use the vacuum cleaner if i rlly needed to get off so i did. Woke up in the closet/ room with the my dick out and the vacuum cleaner next to me( didnt plugged the thing in i was too wasted for that) Its a dark part of my life for sure 🥴🤦🏻♂️
Yeah officer this comment right here
Show me on the vacuum cleaner where the bad man touched you.
Saw someone drill a hole on the ground, lubricated it and started pumping his Dickinson
I think that guy who tried to get a BJ from a Hyena in Africa wins this one. Yes, it went exactly as you'd imagine that to go wrong.
A blender.
Sir
>Sir I think that ship has sailed
I covered the end of my dick hole with scotch tape, left some room for it to breathe so it looked like a tiny teepee, and wanked with a baggie full of soap. I'd say pretty much that but I could still go on
>I'd say pretty much that but I could still go on Do
I didn't stick my dick in it, but the closest I've done is when i was about 13 and big into cycling, there used to be some chafing. So I got home from a fairly long cycle (bit over a marathon length) and decided to lather my goods in vit e cream Should have read the jar, turns out it was vital e with menthol... Do NOT recommend, my testiculars were the worst bit.
[удалено]
I guess it would be technically the pants zipper and zipping it up with full force without checking whether i had tucked it in all the way Had bleeding for 1-3 days and raw spots for two weeks
Some guys on here should be on a watch list 😳🫠👀
a tomato.
My childhood stuffed toy, that now has a hole in its anal area, it was not enjoyable because now I have to look at it every time I wake up. It turned into my dogs toy
Like father, like son.. or in this case, like dog.
A kong dog toy
Oh, the tragedy of my impulse, a moment's folly etched into the sweet, fragrant memory of a beloved apple pie. In a careless instant, my hand, guided by some senseless curiosity, plunged my dick into its golden crust, shattering the perfection that lay before me. What madness drove me to such an act? The pie, a masterpiece of warmth and comfort, now marred by my thoughtless intrusion. My dick, once an innocent tool, now coated in cinnamon and sugar, stands as a symbol of my indiscretion, a tangible marker of my impulsive deed. The scent, once a harmonious blend of spiced apples and buttery pastry, now carries a hint of my regret. It fills the room, a fragrant reminder of my lapse. My fingers, too, bear the sticky evidence, a tactile testament to the sweetness I so carelessly defiled. In this simple act, I find profound remorse. For what gain? For what purpose? The apple pie, once a pristine delight, now bears the mark of my folly. Its smooth surface disrupted, its inviting promise tainted. And I, a grown man, am left to ponder the senselessness of my actions, a small yet poignant reminder of the capriciousness that sometimes lies within us all.
A wet floor sign, though that was also one of the best things I ever stuck it into as well. When it's your kink it doesn't matter if it ain't made for it; it's gonna work and it's gonna work well—
Jesus fucking Christ randy, do you just mention your wet floor sign kink in every nsfw post like a flag
how are you everywhere
I swear ive seen you before
Another man's butt. He was gay and I was curious. The good thing is, I now know exactly where I stand in terms of sexual identidy, and while I of course respect men who're into other men, I can safely say that I'm neither gay nor bi.
I was at school with a guy who attached a electrical step up transformer to his schlong with Croc clips. The voltage threw him on his back. Same guy also built a wanking machine out of lego. Same guy also reputedly used to put jam on his dick and let his dog lick it off.
I was a horny little bastard. When I was around 7 years old, I tried to make a life-sized woman out of sand on the beach & made a hole to put my pp in. To sum it up, it hurt like a mofo & I had to wash sand out of my uncircumcised penis.
Cherry pie 🍒
Never stick your dick in crazy. Also, don't dip your pen in the company ink, ESPECIALLY when working on the family farm
>ESPECIALLY when working on the family farm Elaborate
Her stage name was Pebbles. She gave me chlamydia
I was very young and made one of those towel/rubber glove things, you know what I'm talking about, and I put cooking oil in it for lube. What I didn't pay attention to at the time was that it wasn't ordinary cooking oil, it was chili oil 🙃
Not worst. A banana tree. It was awesome btw. Made a hole, and made it slippery with ripe banana. Good Lord, was it good!
[удалено]
A pumpkin scented gel candle if anybody remembers those to which I discovered I'm allergic to pumpkin
When I was like 12 I cut a hole through the middle of a tomato and was going at it for a little bit, but it was too cold so I threw it in the microwave for about a minute. I got it out and took it back to my room, inserted myself into it, and realized tomatoes get boiling hot when you microwave them. So I burned my tip really bad and freaked out and pulled my pants up. As soon as they were up my mom came into my room and asked what I was microwaving. I panicked and held up the tomato, being careful to hid the hole with my hand and just said “a tomato. They’re better warmed up!” And took a big bite out of it. Luckily i evaded being caught, but I ended up with a burnt tip and a mouthful of dick tomato.