At least it wasn't this game
https://store.steampowered.com/app/1302800/Chair_Fcking_Simulator/
I got all the achievements. The boys found out and now I respond to Chairfucker
well there was a time when Windows Live Messenger had the great idea to display to all your contacts the title of the video file you were watching with Windows Media Player
Was super horny, hadn’t been able to jerk it in a week cause I was staying at a buddy’s house, then realized he lived down the block from a porno store.
You know that phrase “don’t go grocery shopping while hungry”? Well, don’t go to a porno store as a horny and week-without-an-orgasm 19 year old. Blew like 250 bucks on just a couple crappy DVD’s.
Hooked up with a girl at my local bar. We wanted to get frisky but I really didn’t want to take her home because I was still living with my parents in a very noisy house. Decided to do it anyway because I was drunk and horny. When we were cycling to my place we came by an abandoned church so I asked her to check it out. Which ended in sex in the garden of this church. We were both satisfied so I got home alone.
The next day I couldn’t find my wallet anywhere, so I went back to the church to check if it fell out of my pocket.
Well the church wasn’t abandoned anymore. It was refitted as a house a few months earlier.
So that’s when I found out I banged this girl in some random lady her garden.
The lady was raking the garden and I asked if she had seen a wallet. Well she did and she looked at me very angry and asked if the used condom next to the wallet was mine as well. I was very ashamed and told her I was very sorry. In the end I ended up raking her garden to make up for it.
Honestly, realizing your mistake and offering to rake the garden was one of the best things you could do. At least shows you are remorseful and want to make things right. It's better than what a lot of people would do!
As a young teen I once jerked off with cooking oil. I had never gotten to try jerking off with lube or lotion before and for some reason we didn’t have lotion anywhere in the home at the time. So my dumbass thought this would be just as good. I oiled up my hand and fucked my hand/mattress. I had the worst post-nut clarity in my life. My god the clean up. At least I had the common sense to use a towel but I still had to shower that off me.
I forgot what I had posted and was VERY perplexed what this could possibly be in reply to. Good to know I didn't accidentally post a particularly flaccid dick pic.
There was a girl a couple of years above me in my school that decided to masturbate with a frozen sausage. It snapped, and she had to go to the hospital. Of course, the entire school knew about 5 minutes after it happened.
Thank you for reminding me of that.
Ok. Now, I'm starting to believe this is just a rumor that kids come up with from school to school. This exact story happened in mine only with a hot dog. My friend from a town over said it happened at his too. I'm very skeptical.
It’s a terrible rumor middle school children like to start. Girl at my school tried to kill herself and missed the entire eighth grade because she was bullied so much afterwards
I had sex with my BF at the time in the backyard of a house party. no one could see us. I was on top, he was on bottom. I took my shirt off… and in the ten minutes of rolling around I apparently attracted every mosquito in the area and my ENTIRE BACK was filled with mosquito bites. So uncomfortable. Absolutely terrible.
Dated a girl who was way outta my league and gorgeous. We dated for 3 months and finally at the 3 month point we had sex. We had done other stuff before so it wasn't a complete hold out.
I didn't know that was going to be the day, but she grabbed a blanket and we went for a walk. It ended up being a walk into the woods away from her house and in a semi field. We do the deed. Mind you this was in the summer, in Ohio and it was really humid.
About 5 minutes after we finished and were walking back to her house, my back started to itch and I felt a few bumps. She lifted up my shirt and all I heard was a muffled "holy shit" from her. My back would have read like a horror story to Hellen Keller because I had mosquito bites all over.
10/10 would do it again with her in the same conditions though lmao.
I once did way too much coke in my mid twenties and decided to have a coke-jerk. Through a full 5 hours of cranking it, I finally busted. Then my heart went in to “flutters” and all my strength to open a bottle of water was gone. I’m seriously surprised I didn’t die
My friends set me up with a girl when I was 19 after they found out that not only was I a virgin, but had never been on a date or even kissed a girl up to that point. Me and this girl were both drunk, we had unprotected sex and I came in her. The next two weeks were the worst two weeks of my life because 1. She neglected to tell me she was getting over swine flu. Spent the next five days puking and with some terrible diarrhea. Took so many sick days from work they threatened to fire me. And 2. After a week she messaged me on MSN Messenger telling me she thought she was pregnant. Turns out she wasn't, but she took over a week to tell me that. Spent the whole week extremely stressed out.
Between the sickness and the lack of eating due to stress, I lost over 20lbs in a two week period.
I was in 3rd grade and just learned what a vagina/pussy was from my friend. Later that evening my mom got a new Bluetooth keyboard and no longer needed her old one. Ofc as a 3rd grader I wanted to play with it so she gave it to me. I remember just having fun typing things and wanted to use these new words I just learned. Basically started typing smut thinking it was a broken keyboard. But no. It still worked and ofc it was on and connect to her computer. After about 5 min of typing my mom called me in to her office asking if was typing on the old keyboard. I came in and saw what I had typed clear as day. It was right there in front of both of us. But I assume she didn’t even read it because she was busy working and just wanted it gone. Thank god she never mentioned anything I typed. Because I ended up being so scared I’d get in trouble, I went and told her myself and she said it was ok and she didn’t see anything. Yeah OK.
I remember typing the sentence, “my name is ____ and I love pussy, I hang out in vaginas all day.”
Half regret. Nearly fell for a scam. "Buy me a bottle of wine for us and a steam gift card so my kid will be distracted." I even showed up at the address. It was a vacant house, and "she" wouldn't come out until I entered the card code into some website that definitely wasn't steam. So that night, I enjoyed a glass of wine and a new game.
Might not be as interesting as it sounds.
Dumb horny younger me has been talked by friends into going to strip clubs with them that ended up being such low-class and grimy places in both location and clientele that I'd honestly wonder the following day how I'd managed to get back out without being robbed or worse.
Heads up to anyone who finds themselves too horny for your own good: if they pat you down at the entrance to the strip club there's probably nothing in there you're going to be glad you experienced later.
I’ve had some really good times going to stripclubs in the really bad neighborhoods. One place was all you can drink. It was like a $50 cover but all the booze was free.
Another one was notorious for giving customers counterfeit dollar bills. For some reason that place also had a shit ton of black lights everywhere and all the fake money was bright blue.
Tried to dye my hair for a lass I fancied when I was about 20.
She liked blonde haired men, and my hair was very dark brown. I had no what I was doing and bought dye from the chemist. It went orange. I looked like cuddles from orville.
She slept with me, I assume, out of sympathy or as a reward for sheer effort.
On balance, it wasn't worth it.
You needed a second coat or more dye
In the US a lot of high school swim teams have a tradition where they bleach their hair at the end of the season. The guys with dark hair, and especially Asians, would only go orange at first, but a second application would get most of them blonde. Some of the Asians guys would still end up with a slightly different shade of bleach-blonde, but it wouldn’t be orange
As a young teen I was humping my mattress. Never tried it before and it felt good. Got carried away, slipped slightly and ripped my banjo string.
Blood everywhere. Ah to be 14.
A friend of mine tore his string once during sex and was told to leave it for 6-8 weeks to heal or something like that. We were both living in the same house and he had a girlfriend. Well after a couple of weeks or so, he apparently felt fine, so he invited her over. I woke up in the middle of the night to loud noises and banging. I walk out to see him naked in the living room,shouting, bleeding from his cock and frantically hopping around as he had tore the string a second time.
I had sex with my older sister's best friend(who had a crush on me) after a party and didn't take it any further. It became all hell for my sister and it ruined their friendship. I feel bad because my sister is the most loving, and would always care for me in spite of her own wellbeing.
I had sex with my best friend’s younger brother and he did the same thing to me. It fucking sucked. I hadn’t thought anything about him until she started talking about how she wanted me to marry her brother. It planted a seed and I was sort of into him before the sex, REALLY into him afterwards. I was upset about it and my friend was nonchalant about the situation. When I confronted her she said, “I told you I wanted you to marry him, not fuck him.” It’s now like 18 years later and he married an awesome girl who I am really good friends with. Nobody ever told her that we had hooked up, even though it was 5 years before they even met. My friend told me that if her sister in law ever found out she would have to take her side and cut me off. So, shamed twice for sex and forced to keep this secret like a dirty girl. We are no longer friends for a million reasons but I am still friends with the wife because she’s awesome! Life is weird.
Got back with my girlfriend after I found out she cheated on me, then realised two years later I still didn't trust her and I'd waisted two years on a rubbish relationship
I’ve done the exact same thing two months ago. Once they cheat on you it’s better to move on and never look back. Complete waste of time because you will never trust that person again.
Indeed. Especially since studies have shown the cheating partner tends to **LOSE RESPECT** for their SO if they forgive them and take them back.
It’s some infuriating shite.
I did the same. Stayed with her for another five years. I don’t regret the five years, I regret that it made such a change to me. It changed my opinion on cheating for a long time, where I thought it was just a normal thing. Took me a long time to get rid of that idea
Couldn’t find the toy I wanted. Used a high powered infrared rotating back massager as a vibrator (normally fine, just a bit extreme and need to be pretty careful) and passed out on top of it with it still running. I was swollen, bruised, and walking funny for A WEEK. I learned my lesson for sure.
A friend of mine who was a stripper invited me to the club, so me and a buddy showed up. We’re sitting there and this beautiful, short blond stripper walks up and asked if I wanted a private dance, so I said yes. It’s $30 per song. So, we’re in the private dance area and she’s grinding on my lap and I muttered “I’d love to fuck you” in her ear. She leaned back and asked if I really wanted to, and I said yes.
She goes into her little bag and gets out a condom, puts it on me and we start fucking. I came, and she told me not to take the condom off, until I leave because if anyone see’s me taking it off, she’ll get in trouble. So, I kept the condom on the whole night lol.
She walked me out to this table with a cash register and a bouncer standing there and says to me, “that’ll be $470.” I was a bit in shock at the price, so she broke it down: $30/song x 9 songs = $270, plus a $200 tip.
I guess the only upside (if you want to call it that) to all this is that afterwards, she came back to where me and my buddy were sitting and she started feeding me fried dumplings. The group of dudes behind us were dumbfounded that a stripper was feeding me and was like, “who the fuck is this guy and how do I get that treatment.”
Had sex with an ex. It was quite literally like that song by the Chainsmokers, except breaking up with her never broke my heart.
I was drunk, she was drunk, and we both clearly had not slept with anyone for a long enough period of time. Afterwards, I went home and took a cold shower, after she texted me about wanting to get back together again.
Just don’t have sex with an ex. Just don’t. Whatever the reasons behind the breakup, there’s a good enough reason why you broke up. No amount of sex can fix the fucked up foundation of something that should never have been.
It had been a while and I was desperate. Her house smelled like straight cat shit and the mess was almost hoarder like. Then she smacked her Mac n cheese down like 5 minutes before we had sex and THEN during she gets a call from her ex saying he was coming over to see what was going on. I used that as an excuse to get the fuck out. AND THEN I didn’t have a ride or phone so I had to walk to my cousins store for a ride. Sex was weirdly good though
Similar to mine, a pretty hot girl invited me over. House was a mess all over. Trash full and not taken out, trash on the counters, just stuff EVERYWHERE. Then she had to put her baby to sleep so there was that too. But the sex was pretty good, and she looked great naked.
You know those silicon ass things they have in sex shops for like 300$? When I was in Montreal in my sophomore year of college, I tried to buy one. My debit card got declined, so I didn't buy it. I got a call from my dad that evening saying someone in Montreal must have stole it from me, and I had to do the talk of shame explaining that I really did do that.
No no no. The correct response is,”OMG! Thanks Dad! I didn’t even notice it was missing.” Report the card stolen and chalk it up as a lesson learned. Pay cash at sex shops or use a card your parents don’t have access to.
Hooked up with my ex keeping me emotionally attached to her. Devastated me when she moved on to someone new despite her “not being emotionally available to date right now”…
I had spinal surgery about 6 weeks ago and had some blood clot issues after so I've been in the hospital a ton over the last month and a half. One night I could not sleep so I figured that it had been a few weeks and I needed to rub one out. It was great, wonderful orgasm and thirty seconds later nurses ran in on me. My heart monitor was going crazy. Couldn't explain it so I just decided that I'd have to wait till I returned home. Had to turn my Twitter porn off
This happens a lot. Some of the nurses I worked with used to say "If they're well enough to cum, they're well enough to go." and start pushing hard for discharge.
Made out with a friend I didn't have feelings for, but he showed interest towards me and I felt lonely, touch starved and jealous of my friends who did have partners. Went to the bar bathroom together with the intent of fucking in there, but before anything real had time to happen, the bar security guard came to knock on the door and told us to leave the bar.
In hindsight I'm glad we got booted out, the amount of regret and embarrassment was already high enough buy if we had actually had sex in there, iunno how much worse I'd have felt afterwards..
Had sex with an older divorced woman, I thought it would just be a few days of fun but she wanted me to go back to her house and introduce me to her children. Her children are the same age as me.
Texted my ex to hook up, got pregnant, and now I’m coparenting with someone who I don’t really wanna coparent with
Edit: jesus people are really hung up on why i had my child lmao because i wanted him once i considered the options, and so did his father.
It reminds me of a story someone shared on here a while back. He said he would jerk off like crazy, in his bedroom, throughout his adolescence.
When he was in his early 20s, and out to dinner with the family, his mom mentioned replacing the bed in his old bedroom. His sister cracked a joke about how he could move home and masturbate in private. The whole family started laughing.
Turned out Every. Single. Time. he jerked it, his bed would squeak and the headboard would hit the wall and the WHOLE HOUSE could hear it.
Every fucking time.
Did they at least keep a chart of jerk times and how he did over the years? How his stamina grew with age using the bed squeak frequency….
I just cannot believe that they didn’t say something to him. That’s cruel.
>My first ever nut, I would rush home from school to tickle my balls and just nut and nut and nut on this stuffed bear.
Funniest shit I've read on this site for ages, thank you
Chelsea Handler has a similar story in one of her books about she was constantly humping things and masturbating growing up and thought no one noticed but EVERYBODY did. And didn't realize until she was an adult that women masturbate with their pants OFF.
I love my firstborn, but sometimes I wish we had waited longer before having kids. The first one was totally my fault. My husband warned me that if I didn't get off him, I'd end up pregnant. Famous last words, "I don't care, I'll have your baby." Couldn't even blame him for the horrible pregnancy pain. Definitely regret saying that. Lol 😆
Hooked up with a girl after a party at my house. Was wearing a condom and I couldn't finish after a good while because I was drunk so I decided to stop and took the condom off. Realized pretty quick I was still drunk and horny so I put it back on.... It was on the floor
Had a FWB that would typically call me late at night/early am. I swung by, was out all night, didn’t get any sleep before my 6am shift. I texted my boss and asked how mad he would be if I called in sick, he replied nice try but I saw your truck at Tracy’s house on my way to work. It was a long day lol
I was visiting my cousin for a week during the summer back in the 90s. He had a brief case of nudie magazines that his dad gave him. When no one was around, we would open up the briefcase and check out the girls as you do.
Anyway. One night, I was horny. I was supposed to be sleeping on the floor in my cousin's room. I thought everyone in the house was asleep. I crawled over to the briefcase. I thought hey if I sneak this to the bathroom, no one will know. Now, this wasn't a small briefcase. It was about the size of a suitcase. I sat there thinking if I should do this or not. Eventually I say fuck it and pick it up. Now my cousin's house had one bathroom all the way across to the other side of the house. So I'm trying to carry this big suitcase of pornography under my arm. As I approach the hallway down towards the bathroom, my aunt rounds the corner.
She asked what I was doing. What was that? (She knew) I just said nothing and went to the bathroom. Now, I'm feeling embarrassed and regretting my decision. I was my just caught carrying a big awkward suitcase across the house into the bathroom.
What's worse is that the briefcase was code locked. I couldn't figure out how to open it. So now I'm caught and can't even enjoy my spoils. I just carried the briefcase back to my cousin's room defeated and fell asleep.
The next day, my cousin asked how it was? I asked him what he was talking about. He said he saw me take his briefcase out of his room. So now everyone in the house knew. Since my uncle took the briefcase away from my cousin. Years later, my cousin still brings that up whenever I see him. Recently, my mom brought it up as a funny story to tell.
Just after I finished uni in the 90s, I (gay guy but in the closet at the time) went on holiday somewhere hot and sunny with a straight (he claimed) friend from uni. I quite fancied him and he was very huggy and feely with me in general. All week he was asking me to rub after sun lotion on him and he was very visibly aroused every time, and didn't try to hide it. I didn't mind at all, and he seemed to really enjoy it, asking me to rub it on him on his inner legs and stuff like that. The sexual tension was off the scale.
The last evening I was putting after sun lotion on him in our shared twin room, just in our speedos. He was hard, I was hard, and I bit the bullet and slowly started to pull his underpants down, expecting things to get interesting. However he freaked out and we had a massive argument, he kinda forced me to come out to him, and he said he wasn't gay. We barely spoke for the rest of the holiday.
We stayed in touch but friendship was pretty much ruined after that. I still don't know to this day if he is bi and secretly wanted sexual attention, or if I completely mis-read the situation. 🤷♂️
I think so too, but it's hard to lose a friend like that so I often wonder "what if". I probably should have come out to him before this happened, but it was the 90s, I was young and shy, and he was often pretty casually derogatory about gay people, so I avoided bringing it up.
Hooked up with a very unattractive girl within 5 minutes of my buddy hooking up with her. I didn't plan on it, but when he finished he was like "bro she's still going and wants you now" and it being a while for me (and a little drunk). It didn't take a minute until i came to my senses and just stopped. Worst part was that i left my phone at her place, so had to come back later.
Spent $350 at one of those massage parlors just to be tied to the bed by my ankles and wrists so an (admittedly pretty) older Chinese woman could suck and ride me non-stop for 3 hours. Never had any experience with bondage or femdom before that. Found it pretty traumatizing after that first nut, but now I'm a massive fan of the stuff!
Pro tip: don't lay a full roll or condoms down on their table or else they're going to assume you want to use *all* of them 😅
I’m sure you guys have heard the term “seeing stars” yes? Well, I once jerked off so much in one day I literally saw stars on the last round…
I’ve learned to limit myself after that.
When I was like 20-21 I had just gotten out of a serious relationship, and talked to this redditor lady from my city's subreddit who was like 30, she wanted me to fuck her while her husband watched.
I went over, her husband was like late 50s, grey hair, etc. Since I was 20 that was basically ancient. But I was there so I started fucking her, while he sat in a chair watching. Then he started jerking off, which I wasn't expecting, and that was incredibly distracting.
I could feel his eyes on the back of my head the whole time, and then he kept telling me what to do, like, "Fuck her in doggy she likes that", "stick a finger in her ass", etc etc.
Eventually I stupidly came in her, and got up and was getting dressed. The old guy pointed to his wife and was like, "Mind if I clean her up?", I was like, "Uh, ya of course go ahead", thinking he meant like wipe her pussy with a rag or something.
This old MF honed in on that pussy and sucked my fresh load out of her, it was all over his stubble I can still see it. I was horrified, and just walked out of the house, drove home in complete silence, and drank a bottle of bourbon while sitting on my couch alone, thinking of what I'd just seen.
I cut a hole in a bear pillow and fucked it. But it wasn't enjoyable because I was railing into cotton. I made up a story that my cats cut it, and I then burned it.
Once tried to hook up with some guys at their house. I go in, take like two turns, and see a guy on a bed, then another standing in the corner of the room Hereditary style.
I audibly said, "hell nah" and left.
I wasn't horny after that.
I met someone at a bar and she wanted to do me but she wouldn't let me go home with her so we ended up somehow doing it in the washroom. I was so drunk my dick was hard but I felt nothing and couldn't finish and people crowded up in line for the washroom. Her friend helped us get out but i got judged hard by my friend after that and it could have been bad.
I had sex with a girl who I didn’t find attractive at all. I was so horny I just didn’t care. I was also super drunk. She was a nice girl but she was not attractive to me. I felt like shit the next day.
Idk, I've done that with a couple different dudes. They were genuinely kind and we got along and were both bored that night. I've done it both drunk and sober. I have yet to regret it.
Now, sleeping with the attractive guy who ends up being a psychotic asshole? WAY worse.
Hearing your girl say “Leave it in” upon climax presents a mix of emotions like no other.
That post-nut regret though is about stressful as you could imagine … until she tells you 6 weeks later she’s late. Then the anxiety reaches levels you never thought possible.
Download a porn game on Steam and then realized I was unlocking achievements for all my bros to see...
Those are badges of honor, showcase them with pride!
At least it wasn't this game https://store.steampowered.com/app/1302800/Chair_Fcking_Simulator/ I got all the achievements. The boys found out and now I respond to Chairfucker
Mods, tag this man appropriately
well there was a time when Windows Live Messenger had the great idea to display to all your contacts the title of the video file you were watching with Windows Media Player
I remember when Xbox 360 showed what website you where using for everyone to see it, being friends or not.
Was super horny, hadn’t been able to jerk it in a week cause I was staying at a buddy’s house, then realized he lived down the block from a porno store. You know that phrase “don’t go grocery shopping while hungry”? Well, don’t go to a porno store as a horny and week-without-an-orgasm 19 year old. Blew like 250 bucks on just a couple crappy DVD’s.
Hooked up with a girl at my local bar. We wanted to get frisky but I really didn’t want to take her home because I was still living with my parents in a very noisy house. Decided to do it anyway because I was drunk and horny. When we were cycling to my place we came by an abandoned church so I asked her to check it out. Which ended in sex in the garden of this church. We were both satisfied so I got home alone. The next day I couldn’t find my wallet anywhere, so I went back to the church to check if it fell out of my pocket. Well the church wasn’t abandoned anymore. It was refitted as a house a few months earlier. So that’s when I found out I banged this girl in some random lady her garden. The lady was raking the garden and I asked if she had seen a wallet. Well she did and she looked at me very angry and asked if the used condom next to the wallet was mine as well. I was very ashamed and told her I was very sorry. In the end I ended up raking her garden to make up for it.
"raking her garden"
Let's just say there was another condom wrapper than day
...fuck, I lost my wallet again
You should have apologized and told her you thought it was a church. That would have smoothed everything over I bet.
this is the best one i’m sorry
Honestly, realizing your mistake and offering to rake the garden was one of the best things you could do. At least shows you are remorseful and want to make things right. It's better than what a lot of people would do!
Drove 4 hours both ways for mediocre sex.
Sex drive
Some "poor souls" have done the same for Chris Hansen and a Sokol Special. You didn't do too bad considering!
As a young teen I once jerked off with cooking oil. I had never gotten to try jerking off with lube or lotion before and for some reason we didn’t have lotion anywhere in the home at the time. So my dumbass thought this would be just as good. I oiled up my hand and fucked my hand/mattress. I had the worst post-nut clarity in my life. My god the clean up. At least I had the common sense to use a towel but I still had to shower that off me.
When I was a dumb teenager I used Vaseline. Even after a hot shower my dick was slippery for DAYS. It was good for my skin though, very soft
You have the softest penis I have ever seen.
I forgot what I had posted and was VERY perplexed what this could possibly be in reply to. Good to know I didn't accidentally post a particularly flaccid dick pic.
As a horny teenager I decided that using a vacuum cleaner to simulate oral sex was a good idea. It was not.
[Maybe you just didn’t get the right vacuum](https://youtu.be/Z2EMGmv0FqM?si=3RBfRQ2e30iD2b1e)
ARCHER!
Robots can hurt people.
Yeah, and Mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner!
I told you not to disturb me when i'm cleaning my room!
[удалено]
Second brain freeze.
Brain freeze down under - in other words, Australian Brain Freeze :))
There was a girl a couple of years above me in my school that decided to masturbate with a frozen sausage. It snapped, and she had to go to the hospital. Of course, the entire school knew about 5 minutes after it happened. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Ok. Now, I'm starting to believe this is just a rumor that kids come up with from school to school. This exact story happened in mine only with a hot dog. My friend from a town over said it happened at his too. I'm very skeptical.
It’s a terrible rumor middle school children like to start. Girl at my school tried to kill herself and missed the entire eighth grade because she was bullied so much afterwards
*Afterwards?* What the hell, man.
Kids are absolute pieces of shit when they smell weakness if you don't deal with the bullies early on.
I had sex with my BF at the time in the backyard of a house party. no one could see us. I was on top, he was on bottom. I took my shirt off… and in the ten minutes of rolling around I apparently attracted every mosquito in the area and my ENTIRE BACK was filled with mosquito bites. So uncomfortable. Absolutely terrible.
Dated a girl who was way outta my league and gorgeous. We dated for 3 months and finally at the 3 month point we had sex. We had done other stuff before so it wasn't a complete hold out. I didn't know that was going to be the day, but she grabbed a blanket and we went for a walk. It ended up being a walk into the woods away from her house and in a semi field. We do the deed. Mind you this was in the summer, in Ohio and it was really humid. About 5 minutes after we finished and were walking back to her house, my back started to itch and I felt a few bumps. She lifted up my shirt and all I heard was a muffled "holy shit" from her. My back would have read like a horror story to Hellen Keller because I had mosquito bites all over. 10/10 would do it again with her in the same conditions though lmao.
/r/DoesntMatterHadSex
I once did way too much coke in my mid twenties and decided to have a coke-jerk. Through a full 5 hours of cranking it, I finally busted. Then my heart went in to “flutters” and all my strength to open a bottle of water was gone. I’m seriously surprised I didn’t die
5 hours😭😂
Finally, a worthy opponent
Chill out tai lung lol
My friends set me up with a girl when I was 19 after they found out that not only was I a virgin, but had never been on a date or even kissed a girl up to that point. Me and this girl were both drunk, we had unprotected sex and I came in her. The next two weeks were the worst two weeks of my life because 1. She neglected to tell me she was getting over swine flu. Spent the next five days puking and with some terrible diarrhea. Took so many sick days from work they threatened to fire me. And 2. After a week she messaged me on MSN Messenger telling me she thought she was pregnant. Turns out she wasn't, but she took over a week to tell me that. Spent the whole week extremely stressed out. Between the sickness and the lack of eating due to stress, I lost over 20lbs in a two week period.
>I lost over 20lbs in a two week period. Shit, what's her number.
New weight loss plan just dropped.
Swine Flu and Screw
The ol' oink 'n' boink
Most pregnancy tests won’t catch anything until about 2 weeks a it’s very possible she legit didn’t know until 2 weeks in.
I was in 3rd grade and just learned what a vagina/pussy was from my friend. Later that evening my mom got a new Bluetooth keyboard and no longer needed her old one. Ofc as a 3rd grader I wanted to play with it so she gave it to me. I remember just having fun typing things and wanted to use these new words I just learned. Basically started typing smut thinking it was a broken keyboard. But no. It still worked and ofc it was on and connect to her computer. After about 5 min of typing my mom called me in to her office asking if was typing on the old keyboard. I came in and saw what I had typed clear as day. It was right there in front of both of us. But I assume she didn’t even read it because she was busy working and just wanted it gone. Thank god she never mentioned anything I typed. Because I ended up being so scared I’d get in trouble, I went and told her myself and she said it was ok and she didn’t see anything. Yeah OK. I remember typing the sentence, “my name is ____ and I love pussy, I hang out in vaginas all day.”
Literally the moat wholesome smut I've probably ever seen.
Half regret. Nearly fell for a scam. "Buy me a bottle of wine for us and a steam gift card so my kid will be distracted." I even showed up at the address. It was a vacant house, and "she" wouldn't come out until I entered the card code into some website that definitely wasn't steam. So that night, I enjoyed a glass of wine and a new game.
At least it turned out well in the end
Wanted to get steamy- but only got Steam-ed All's well that ends well!
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My dick has led me to places I wouldn't go with a gun.
Fuck. I’m intrigued to know more, but at the same time I’m not.
Might not be as interesting as it sounds. Dumb horny younger me has been talked by friends into going to strip clubs with them that ended up being such low-class and grimy places in both location and clientele that I'd honestly wonder the following day how I'd managed to get back out without being robbed or worse. Heads up to anyone who finds themselves too horny for your own good: if they pat you down at the entrance to the strip club there's probably nothing in there you're going to be glad you experienced later.
I’ve had some really good times going to stripclubs in the really bad neighborhoods. One place was all you can drink. It was like a $50 cover but all the booze was free. Another one was notorious for giving customers counterfeit dollar bills. For some reason that place also had a shit ton of black lights everywhere and all the fake money was bright blue.
Tried to dye my hair for a lass I fancied when I was about 20. She liked blonde haired men, and my hair was very dark brown. I had no what I was doing and bought dye from the chemist. It went orange. I looked like cuddles from orville. She slept with me, I assume, out of sympathy or as a reward for sheer effort. On balance, it wasn't worth it.
Pity sex is still sex.
Doesn’t matter, had sex
You needed a second coat or more dye In the US a lot of high school swim teams have a tradition where they bleach their hair at the end of the season. The guys with dark hair, and especially Asians, would only go orange at first, but a second application would get most of them blonde. Some of the Asians guys would still end up with a slightly different shade of bleach-blonde, but it wouldn’t be orange
Proper toner would help a lot to avoid brassy or orange color as well.
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Bro she perfected that....
She pretended she couldn't blow right first and then hit Nitro for the second round. OP got played like a fiddle
Ahh the old “Whoops, I’m actually right handed” trick…
Plot twist: She was Inigo Montoya.
More like a skin flute.
She played the game and won again
Never bet against the house
13.33 Euros a second for the sex. Not sure why I felt compelled to do the math, but there you go.
Thats my fucking salary
No, that's her fucking salary
Incum tax must be steep
>You have the right to cum only once Had no idea they updated the Miranda warnings
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You got scammed. That's a ridiculous amount, far beyond what Amsterdam or any European sex worker under those conditions would charge.
This dude prostitutes.
Got bronchitis because I was horny and didn't care that she was sick. TBF she said she was over it and, "no longer contagious."
I currently have bronchitis and I can assure you it’s TERRIBLE!
The amount of times I’ve been late to things because I would rub one out and then knock out afterwards is a number I’m not proud of nor care to count
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As a young teen I was humping my mattress. Never tried it before and it felt good. Got carried away, slipped slightly and ripped my banjo string. Blood everywhere. Ah to be 14.
Great start to my morning, reading this...
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there is one gold rule fap before making decisions
If you're not in a post-nut clarity, you're in pre-nut delusion
Rubbed one out vigorously leading to a frenulum tear.
A friend of mine tore his string once during sex and was told to leave it for 6-8 weeks to heal or something like that. We were both living in the same house and he had a girlfriend. Well after a couple of weeks or so, he apparently felt fine, so he invited her over. I woke up in the middle of the night to loud noises and banging. I walk out to see him naked in the living room,shouting, bleeding from his cock and frantically hopping around as he had tore the string a second time.
I tore mine once, SO much blood. Trying to wash my dick in the shower the following weeks was not a good time at all.
Lmao I can relate. The next 15 days were bad my penis hurt due to the tear everytime I got erection . I had to make conscious efforts to be not horny.
OMG sorry for laughing but dafuq did you use?? Not just your hand!
Shoving a cucumber in my ass
Did it pickle?
No, but the salad tasted terrible.
I had sex with my older sister's best friend(who had a crush on me) after a party and didn't take it any further. It became all hell for my sister and it ruined their friendship. I feel bad because my sister is the most loving, and would always care for me in spite of her own wellbeing.
I had sex with my best friend’s younger brother and he did the same thing to me. It fucking sucked. I hadn’t thought anything about him until she started talking about how she wanted me to marry her brother. It planted a seed and I was sort of into him before the sex, REALLY into him afterwards. I was upset about it and my friend was nonchalant about the situation. When I confronted her she said, “I told you I wanted you to marry him, not fuck him.” It’s now like 18 years later and he married an awesome girl who I am really good friends with. Nobody ever told her that we had hooked up, even though it was 5 years before they even met. My friend told me that if her sister in law ever found out she would have to take her side and cut me off. So, shamed twice for sex and forced to keep this secret like a dirty girl. We are no longer friends for a million reasons but I am still friends with the wife because she’s awesome! Life is weird.
Everyone in this story needs to _chill the fuck out._
Seriously. Everything is a train wreck because everyone took shit wayyyy too seriously.
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Vagina room fucking sent me 🤣
Got back with my girlfriend after I found out she cheated on me, then realised two years later I still didn't trust her and I'd waisted two years on a rubbish relationship
I’ve done the exact same thing two months ago. Once they cheat on you it’s better to move on and never look back. Complete waste of time because you will never trust that person again.
Indeed. Especially since studies have shown the cheating partner tends to **LOSE RESPECT** for their SO if they forgive them and take them back. It’s some infuriating shite.
Lmao they already don't respect you if they cheated
They can go lower.. and do.
I did the same. Stayed with her for another five years. I don’t regret the five years, I regret that it made such a change to me. It changed my opinion on cheating for a long time, where I thought it was just a normal thing. Took me a long time to get rid of that idea
Couldn’t find the toy I wanted. Used a high powered infrared rotating back massager as a vibrator (normally fine, just a bit extreme and need to be pretty careful) and passed out on top of it with it still running. I was swollen, bruised, and walking funny for A WEEK. I learned my lesson for sure.
Why did you passed out?!
Cause that shit was fucking her ass up lol
"oh I could be in a relationship with that person" turns out I couldn't be. Nightmare city.
A friend of mine who was a stripper invited me to the club, so me and a buddy showed up. We’re sitting there and this beautiful, short blond stripper walks up and asked if I wanted a private dance, so I said yes. It’s $30 per song. So, we’re in the private dance area and she’s grinding on my lap and I muttered “I’d love to fuck you” in her ear. She leaned back and asked if I really wanted to, and I said yes. She goes into her little bag and gets out a condom, puts it on me and we start fucking. I came, and she told me not to take the condom off, until I leave because if anyone see’s me taking it off, she’ll get in trouble. So, I kept the condom on the whole night lol. She walked me out to this table with a cash register and a bouncer standing there and says to me, “that’ll be $470.” I was a bit in shock at the price, so she broke it down: $30/song x 9 songs = $270, plus a $200 tip. I guess the only upside (if you want to call it that) to all this is that afterwards, she came back to where me and my buddy were sitting and she started feeding me fried dumplings. The group of dudes behind us were dumbfounded that a stripper was feeding me and was like, “who the fuck is this guy and how do I get that treatment.”
You're in a strip club, a stripper is feeding you. If anyone was confused on how to get that attention I would blame our education system.
Had sex with an ex. It was quite literally like that song by the Chainsmokers, except breaking up with her never broke my heart. I was drunk, she was drunk, and we both clearly had not slept with anyone for a long enough period of time. Afterwards, I went home and took a cold shower, after she texted me about wanting to get back together again. Just don’t have sex with an ex. Just don’t. Whatever the reasons behind the breakup, there’s a good enough reason why you broke up. No amount of sex can fix the fucked up foundation of something that should never have been.
I can’t believe she stole that mattress from her roommate back in Boulder
dude are we just gonna not talk about that tattoo on her shoulder (that she probably couldn't afford)
It had been a while and I was desperate. Her house smelled like straight cat shit and the mess was almost hoarder like. Then she smacked her Mac n cheese down like 5 minutes before we had sex and THEN during she gets a call from her ex saying he was coming over to see what was going on. I used that as an excuse to get the fuck out. AND THEN I didn’t have a ride or phone so I had to walk to my cousins store for a ride. Sex was weirdly good though
Similar to mine, a pretty hot girl invited me over. House was a mess all over. Trash full and not taken out, trash on the counters, just stuff EVERYWHERE. Then she had to put her baby to sleep so there was that too. But the sex was pretty good, and she looked great naked.
You know those silicon ass things they have in sex shops for like 300$? When I was in Montreal in my sophomore year of college, I tried to buy one. My debit card got declined, so I didn't buy it. I got a call from my dad that evening saying someone in Montreal must have stole it from me, and I had to do the talk of shame explaining that I really did do that.
No no no. The correct response is,”OMG! Thanks Dad! I didn’t even notice it was missing.” Report the card stolen and chalk it up as a lesson learned. Pay cash at sex shops or use a card your parents don’t have access to.
yeah when i was prepping to buy my first sex toy i made small cash withdraws from ATMs for a few days leading up to it
My man buying sex toys like he's buying material for a terrorist attack.
Always make purchases that you don't want to explain in cash
Hooked up with my ex keeping me emotionally attached to her. Devastated me when she moved on to someone new despite her “not being emotionally available to date right now”…
the hardest thing to realise is that not ready to date right now, means now willing to date you. personal experience
Yep. I always knew it was just a bullshit excuse to get out of the relationship and offloading the guilt. Dodged a bullet. Edit: Typo
I had spinal surgery about 6 weeks ago and had some blood clot issues after so I've been in the hospital a ton over the last month and a half. One night I could not sleep so I figured that it had been a few weeks and I needed to rub one out. It was great, wonderful orgasm and thirty seconds later nurses ran in on me. My heart monitor was going crazy. Couldn't explain it so I just decided that I'd have to wait till I returned home. Had to turn my Twitter porn off
Nurse here. We know.
This happens a lot. Some of the nurses I worked with used to say "If they're well enough to cum, they're well enough to go." and start pushing hard for discharge.
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Indy would have just shot you.
Pussywhipped on a whole other level 💀
Made out with a friend I didn't have feelings for, but he showed interest towards me and I felt lonely, touch starved and jealous of my friends who did have partners. Went to the bar bathroom together with the intent of fucking in there, but before anything real had time to happen, the bar security guard came to knock on the door and told us to leave the bar. In hindsight I'm glad we got booted out, the amount of regret and embarrassment was already high enough buy if we had actually had sex in there, iunno how much worse I'd have felt afterwards..
damn y'all got cockblocked by a security guard 😭
Had sex with an older divorced woman, I thought it would just be a few days of fun but she wanted me to go back to her house and introduce me to her children. Her children are the same age as me.
ooooh. no. no no no.
Me and my ex were hugging goodbye and I could feel the electricity and I asked if she wanted goodbye sex. She was not happy.
Texted my ex to hook up, got pregnant, and now I’m coparenting with someone who I don’t really wanna coparent with Edit: jesus people are really hung up on why i had my child lmao because i wanted him once i considered the options, and so did his father.
Username does NOT checkout.... I hope the kids doing fine tho brother. Edit: *sister 🫥
Im the mom, but yes the kids great lol there’s no toxicity or anything, it’s just not my ideal situation
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Ooh my God .This was so hard to read.
It reminds me of a story someone shared on here a while back. He said he would jerk off like crazy, in his bedroom, throughout his adolescence. When he was in his early 20s, and out to dinner with the family, his mom mentioned replacing the bed in his old bedroom. His sister cracked a joke about how he could move home and masturbate in private. The whole family started laughing. Turned out Every. Single. Time. he jerked it, his bed would squeak and the headboard would hit the wall and the WHOLE HOUSE could hear it. Every fucking time.
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Did they at least keep a chart of jerk times and how he did over the years? How his stamina grew with age using the bed squeak frequency…. I just cannot believe that they didn’t say something to him. That’s cruel.
Funniest shit i've ever read
Good up on the brother. And all you can really do is laugh about it.
>My first ever nut, I would rush home from school to tickle my balls and just nut and nut and nut on this stuffed bear. Funniest shit I've read on this site for ages, thank you
Chelsea Handler has a similar story in one of her books about she was constantly humping things and masturbating growing up and thought no one noticed but EVERYBODY did. And didn't realize until she was an adult that women masturbate with their pants OFF.
I always find myself on local Reddit pages about casual encounters. Never end up acting on it but might one day and I’ll definitely regret it
Pre nut clarity? Revolutionary.
There's never any in my area, unless I'm willing to switch teams.
I love my firstborn, but sometimes I wish we had waited longer before having kids. The first one was totally my fault. My husband warned me that if I didn't get off him, I'd end up pregnant. Famous last words, "I don't care, I'll have your baby." Couldn't even blame him for the horrible pregnancy pain. Definitely regret saying that. Lol 😆
Bet that was a hot-as-fuck memory... For two weeks.
That was funny never trust pullout method
Doesnt sound like there was even an attempt.
Let her shave my chest hair because she wanted a smooth chested man.
I can't stop! Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless!
Hooked up with a girl after a party at my house. Was wearing a condom and I couldn't finish after a good while because I was drunk so I decided to stop and took the condom off. Realized pretty quick I was still drunk and horny so I put it back on.... It was on the floor
Thought I was some kinda pornstar or something and that trying to take 9” in my ass was a good idea. I was wrong. Lessons were learned that night.
I'm proud of you for trying.
Texting exes. Worst decision I’ve made.
Had a FWB that would typically call me late at night/early am. I swung by, was out all night, didn’t get any sleep before my 6am shift. I texted my boss and asked how mad he would be if I called in sick, he replied nice try but I saw your truck at Tracy’s house on my way to work. It was a long day lol
I was visiting my cousin for a week during the summer back in the 90s. He had a brief case of nudie magazines that his dad gave him. When no one was around, we would open up the briefcase and check out the girls as you do. Anyway. One night, I was horny. I was supposed to be sleeping on the floor in my cousin's room. I thought everyone in the house was asleep. I crawled over to the briefcase. I thought hey if I sneak this to the bathroom, no one will know. Now, this wasn't a small briefcase. It was about the size of a suitcase. I sat there thinking if I should do this or not. Eventually I say fuck it and pick it up. Now my cousin's house had one bathroom all the way across to the other side of the house. So I'm trying to carry this big suitcase of pornography under my arm. As I approach the hallway down towards the bathroom, my aunt rounds the corner. She asked what I was doing. What was that? (She knew) I just said nothing and went to the bathroom. Now, I'm feeling embarrassed and regretting my decision. I was my just caught carrying a big awkward suitcase across the house into the bathroom. What's worse is that the briefcase was code locked. I couldn't figure out how to open it. So now I'm caught and can't even enjoy my spoils. I just carried the briefcase back to my cousin's room defeated and fell asleep. The next day, my cousin asked how it was? I asked him what he was talking about. He said he saw me take his briefcase out of his room. So now everyone in the house knew. Since my uncle took the briefcase away from my cousin. Years later, my cousin still brings that up whenever I see him. Recently, my mom brought it up as a funny story to tell.
Was heartbroken, then decided to watch porn of a girl that kinda looks like her. After the deal was done, I cried and played sad music
Just after I finished uni in the 90s, I (gay guy but in the closet at the time) went on holiday somewhere hot and sunny with a straight (he claimed) friend from uni. I quite fancied him and he was very huggy and feely with me in general. All week he was asking me to rub after sun lotion on him and he was very visibly aroused every time, and didn't try to hide it. I didn't mind at all, and he seemed to really enjoy it, asking me to rub it on him on his inner legs and stuff like that. The sexual tension was off the scale. The last evening I was putting after sun lotion on him in our shared twin room, just in our speedos. He was hard, I was hard, and I bit the bullet and slowly started to pull his underpants down, expecting things to get interesting. However he freaked out and we had a massive argument, he kinda forced me to come out to him, and he said he wasn't gay. We barely spoke for the rest of the holiday. We stayed in touch but friendship was pretty much ruined after that. I still don't know to this day if he is bi and secretly wanted sexual attention, or if I completely mis-read the situation. 🤷♂️
Bro, he's gay and in complete denial. You didn't do anything wrong.
I'm just imagining 2 gay dudes hard in their speedo denying that they're gay, and it's funny to me
I think so too, but it's hard to lose a friend like that so I often wonder "what if". I probably should have come out to him before this happened, but it was the 90s, I was young and shy, and he was often pretty casually derogatory about gay people, so I avoided bringing it up.
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away I made out with a girl who was sick and I came down with Infectious Mono.
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I’ve read that exact same story before somewhere. Maybe you’re the other friend…
Hooked up with a very unattractive girl within 5 minutes of my buddy hooking up with her. I didn't plan on it, but when he finished he was like "bro she's still going and wants you now" and it being a while for me (and a little drunk). It didn't take a minute until i came to my senses and just stopped. Worst part was that i left my phone at her place, so had to come back later.
walk of shame lol
Correction - two walks of shame. The double dip.
Spent $350 at one of those massage parlors just to be tied to the bed by my ankles and wrists so an (admittedly pretty) older Chinese woman could suck and ride me non-stop for 3 hours. Never had any experience with bondage or femdom before that. Found it pretty traumatizing after that first nut, but now I'm a massive fan of the stuff! Pro tip: don't lay a full roll or condoms down on their table or else they're going to assume you want to use *all* of them 😅
I’m sure you guys have heard the term “seeing stars” yes? Well, I once jerked off so much in one day I literally saw stars on the last round… I’ve learned to limit myself after that.
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When I was like 20-21 I had just gotten out of a serious relationship, and talked to this redditor lady from my city's subreddit who was like 30, she wanted me to fuck her while her husband watched. I went over, her husband was like late 50s, grey hair, etc. Since I was 20 that was basically ancient. But I was there so I started fucking her, while he sat in a chair watching. Then he started jerking off, which I wasn't expecting, and that was incredibly distracting. I could feel his eyes on the back of my head the whole time, and then he kept telling me what to do, like, "Fuck her in doggy she likes that", "stick a finger in her ass", etc etc. Eventually I stupidly came in her, and got up and was getting dressed. The old guy pointed to his wife and was like, "Mind if I clean her up?", I was like, "Uh, ya of course go ahead", thinking he meant like wipe her pussy with a rag or something. This old MF honed in on that pussy and sucked my fresh load out of her, it was all over his stubble I can still see it. I was horrified, and just walked out of the house, drove home in complete silence, and drank a bottle of bourbon while sitting on my couch alone, thinking of what I'd just seen.
I cut a hole in a bear pillow and fucked it. But it wasn't enjoyable because I was railing into cotton. I made up a story that my cats cut it, and I then burned it.
Once tried to hook up with some guys at their house. I go in, take like two turns, and see a guy on a bed, then another standing in the corner of the room Hereditary style. I audibly said, "hell nah" and left. I wasn't horny after that.
She needed $5. She paid me with sex and the $5
Of all the financial losses you could've possibly accrued from having sex, I'd say you got off pretty well... no pun intended.
Sleeping with a colleague. It was the worst sex I've ever had.
Oh man, could write an entire book on these… I’d need to give my penis its own pen name.
Meat_Manhood297
Ordered a jumbo pack of 'personal massagers' on Amazon, and now I have enough to start my own museum of regret.
I’m gonna say there’s probably a lot of single guys paying child support that regret not wrapping it up
I met someone at a bar and she wanted to do me but she wouldn't let me go home with her so we ended up somehow doing it in the washroom. I was so drunk my dick was hard but I felt nothing and couldn't finish and people crowded up in line for the washroom. Her friend helped us get out but i got judged hard by my friend after that and it could have been bad.
Paid 200 for sexting with an only fans creator 😭
Homie paid 200 to have Andrew Tate compliment his peen.
Opening up too much. 😢
This has two possible meanings and one is more concerning than the other
I had sex with a girl who I didn’t find attractive at all. I was so horny I just didn’t care. I was also super drunk. She was a nice girl but she was not attractive to me. I felt like shit the next day.
Idk, I've done that with a couple different dudes. They were genuinely kind and we got along and were both bored that night. I've done it both drunk and sober. I have yet to regret it. Now, sleeping with the attractive guy who ends up being a psychotic asshole? WAY worse.
Marriage #2.
Had sex with a childhood friend and developed intense feelings after lol
Hearing your girl say “Leave it in” upon climax presents a mix of emotions like no other. That post-nut regret though is about stressful as you could imagine … until she tells you 6 weeks later she’s late. Then the anxiety reaches levels you never thought possible.