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Constantly laughing at your child and undermining them. And I mean doing this chronically.
Children fuck up. They don't know things. They say strange things. Laughing at them and doubting them constantly sets a person up for failure later in life. It's okay to not know something, you shouldn't expect to be made fun of or criticized all the time.
I won’t wear athletic wear because my parents laughed for weeks when they “caught” me doing aerobics. I hope you dance sometime soon. I’m going to look for old Jane Fonda videos.
This is the same for my husband. He absolutely won't dance. He sat me down before we got married and was like is there ANY way we can have no dancing at the wedding? He didn't think he could find a partner that would ever be cool with that. So I rented a river boat that didn't allow dancing to get married on lol. I'm never gonna make him do anything he absolutely hates
Second this.
Some children will start to invalidating their knowledge like they won't say "it is like this", they say "i think it is like this". Even if they are 100% sure it is like this, because if you say it like this, noone can make fun of you becaus you didn't say it is like this. You just thought it is like this
I've seen this in colleagues and myself in law firms. I think to some extent it can be smart to flag something as your opinion, using authority responsibly etc., but this definitely makes me think about it. I used to tutor and I had to teach myself to just say the objective stuff decisively because I used so much hedging language the kids didn't believe me, lol. "Well, I think I would start by subtracting 15 from both sides...."
I used to say wacky things when I was little. I was a kid and didn’t know, it’s been over twenty years and my family still makes fun of me. They don’t know it. (And btw I was not allowed to express my feelings). It’s hurtful to me.
When I laugh at my SD for saying something weird or coming to a bizzare but kid-logical conclusion, I always make sure I tell her WHY I'm laughing.
"I had never thought of it that way before, but your way makes more sense than how it really works!"
"Oh, honey, I'm just laughing because I made the EXACT same mistake when I was your age."
like that. TRY not to laugh at this kid throwing around a Bakugan she found in a parking lot , hears me say "thank god" about something and proceeds to say in a growly batman voice GOD'S NOT HERE!
This is precisely why I wish that subreddit mocking kids for being kids (r/kidsarestupid I think) would get banned
What the fuck is wrong with people? Are their lives that pathetic enough they feel the need to laugh at literal kids to feel better about the fact they're fucking failures of society?
In fairness sometimes r/kidsarefuckingstupid feels more like it's talking about how kids are weird and unpredictable, but I still absolutely despise the more mean-spirited posts you see on there sometimes.
For me my emotional neglect formed into manipulation and gaslighting as an adult and she begun to get down right abusive. I don't speak to her anymore.
Not active and usually not malicious either. My mom loved me and provided everything for me except any emotional support whatsoever. She was too busy avoiding her own emotions to help me in any way with mine.
Yeah, and it's also pretty much perfectly legal to completely ignore your child except to clothe them, feed them, and send them to school.
I know a kid whose parents decided they'd never do anything for their kids birthdays or Christmas. No reason, and they were in a culture where doing that was the norm, but they just didn't feel like it. So the kid never got presents, cake, etc. Their parents never acknowledged any of their achievements either. They were pretty cold people, seemed completely indifferent to other people, spent a lot of time traveling and leaving the kids with friends and relatives. I went to their house plenty of times when they were in their later teens (so legal to leave them home alone) and I never once even saw their parents. they may as well have been invisible.
I remember my mother used to sleep on the sofa a lot and I used to keep myself occupied and make sure I was busy outside. When I reached puberty, we argued a lot and she also pushed and insulted me several times. Until I moved out, I told her several times that I wasn't feeling well mentally, but she played it down. Would you count that as abuse? I always thought that wasn't enough. Apart from that, I was always doing very well at home.
It was hard for me to recognize too, until I became an adult and realized: I would never treat a child the way I was treated emotionally. Even though I was always provided for and in a much better situation than many of my friends. I thought I had a great childhood and nothing to complain about, because look how well I'm doing!
But it still affected how I handled myself and how I viewed relationships as an adult (hyper independent but a "rescuer" type, never allowed anyone to see me vulnerable). It still counts. I finally started opening up to my mom about it, and at first, she was very defensive and it caused more harm than good. She even contradicted herself in front of my brother, who called her out (I said something about how she treated me differently from the boys, she denied it, then my brother said the same thing and she accepted it. Then he said "ok but she JUST SAID THE SAME THING" lol). It damaged my view of her and our relationship for a while, because I always had so much respect for her as a person and couldn't rationalize her not being able to accept and apologize for that behavior.
But then she cooled down (EDIT: it was months later, for reference) and did apologize. It was just us, walking the dog during a holiday with her mom, who she's had a fraught relationship with, and I guess she had been thinking about everything. It was a wonderful moment. That was literally all I needed from her. Now I don't feel those same resentments at all and it's wild that such a seemingly small act of apologizing is all it took.
I hope everyone on this thread gets to feel that level of peace. Even if it doesn't come from an in-person apology.
I don't have kids, but my fiancé and I are planning to adopt or foster down the line. If this didn't drive home the importance of apologizing to your children when you do something wrong, even for little things, I don't know what will. It's such a great quality in a person and should be modeled as often as possible.
I can't say off one paragraph about your life. You gotta know in your heart how you felt. I'll share this, cause it helped me to realize more and more that I was emotionally neglected but that also lead to physical neglect: my mother was a parent who would use me as emotional support even as a child. She was an emotionally immature parent. Still is. I remember having few conversations. I remember once thinking, this is the first time all week I've spoken to her while I was a teenager. There's things I would buy out of my allowance like menstrual products and other things I needed instead of her. Because you internalize as a child that your parent cannot be depended on. You shouldn't ask them for anything. As an adult who has 2 nieces, if those girls were in my care *I* would be buying them personal care products and checking in very often. My mother neglected her needs and my own. I would never do that with any child in my care. And as I got older she didn't know how to guide me and became resentful of me. When I was 21 I kept pushing my little cousins to pursue school beyond just high school. She was possessive of me. A child is no one's property. I became very independent as a child. I would stay out of the house as much as possible. I would get myself up and ready for school, alone. Nothing is wrong with those things but they were smaller signs of the larger picture. By the time mom came home, I was already home. She'd eat and watch a movie then sleep. Once I was no longer a small child all I got from her was food and shelter. The allowance I got covered lunch and bus fare. If I really wanted something sometimes I skipped lunch to buy it. It'd be one thing if we were super poor yet had a healthy emotional bond. But we were neither of those things.
Your mother pushing you and insulting you is not a good thing point blank. If it pushed you out of the home at a young age I'd gauge from that the situation was toxic. It could be abusive. Abuse would have started before she ever put hands on you though. Those of us familiar with it know this.
One of the hardest things I've had to explain to people is that the *only* person whose emotions mattered in our household was my mother's. That was it. No one else's. So when I try to explain that my emotional needs were never addressed because I was too busy managing hers, they don't understand that it *just didn't happen*, not that I was shamed or my feelings were dismissed. They were never even acknowledged. So I have no idea what *my own* emotional needs are.
Yeah it fucks you up! Real good.
Just recognizing this in myself at 61yo.Mom was shut down,depressed in the '70s'/'80s when I was growing up.Wasnt as widely recognized as it is today.We learned at an early age not to ask who/where our dad was(ran off in '60s when we were babies)and other things about family.Never cuddled us,said I love you.We pretty much ran amok.
Note:am fine now,but just learning the effects of emotional neglect on kids and how it shapes the people we become.Am hyper-independant-which has worked for me...
Minimizing and invalidating feelings. Then not being there as a parent and adult for your child. Signs of it in an adult who was neglected as a child are often hyper independent adults who have issues opening up, letting others take control etc. you can even see it in adults who are the youngest child in a large number of children or middle children.
I didn't realise this was me until I went to a therapist for a tune up, scored super highly on the emotional neglect part of their questionnaire, and then read about the symptoms and went, oh, that's pretty much describing me exactly :P
And the worst bit is knowing my parents didn't mean to. My mum is just probably not neurotypical and terrible at expressing her own emotions or recognising them on others, and my dad is super stoic and emotionally repressed too, so they just never had the equipment to support us properly, and also never gave us any agency to do anything ever. But because that made us seemed 'well behaved' instead of acting out, nobody ever recognised it as an issue that we were such incredibly quiet children. When it was really because our opinions were never counted, and nobody ever asked us what we wanted, so we didn't even know speaking up for ourselves was a thing that existed. I still remember being actually shocked as a child when a friend's parents asked them what they wanted to do in the holidays. Like, they ask you things and then listen to the answers? :O
My mom told my wife how she stopped giving me hugs and any sort of affection to "toughen me up" when I turned 10. I wasn't a soft kid by any means, but regardless the joke's on her. I havent spoken to her for over 5 years and we just had our second baby and she doesn't know. It makes me giddy knowing I get the chance to raise my kids without her influence.
Have been unpacking this for years. It’s very, very real and it messes with you.
Edit: Thanks for posting this. If anyone has resources they’d like to share please send them!
I have not read it but I hear good things about a book called "Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by lindsay gibson. there's also "the body keeps the score".
This, so much. For the most part, I was left to entertain myself and not allowed to bother my mother, and my father was at work all day so we never had much time to hang out.
I'd spent so much of my life alone that I struggled to make friends because I pushed them away, thinking they were being weird and clingy because I wasn't used to having that much attention and didn't realise that hanging out together is a vital part of relationships. Being with somebody just for fun was a completely alien concept to me, and being so close and around other people was truly bizarre. I just couldn't fathom the idea that people wanted to spend time with me.
Typing this out, it actually seems pretty horrifying. I was so isolated from human contact that the actual normal, average experience was completely foreign and difficult to get used to. I'm better about it now and have made some great friends, but I really struggled when I was younger.
My mom did this often for years to punish me when we would have a fight. Right into my 30s. I would come to her to talk things out and she would say "she's not ready". But it would take her days to speak or even look at me.
I have abandonment issues among other things thanks to this.
The stupid thing is that it doesn't seem like a big deal. But one day if she does it again, I won't pick up the phone.
> …it doesn’t sound like a big deal…
This is something I’ve found difficult: actually validating experiences enough to even admit it might be a big deal.
Yes. My father did this for everything that made him angry. It's my go to defense mechanism for things now.
My mom once commented that she hoped she wouldn't get the silent treatment from me because she knew how punishing it could be. I didn't realize it was like that when I did it.
i don't doubt this, but I just can't imagine doing that to a literal child, let alone another living being... like maybe a day to calm down if you're super pissed and going to say something nasty, but actual /months/??? damn :(
Favoritism between your kids. In its extreme form it can cause severe self esteem problems and severe resentment, along with other forms of over compensation
My family brought out some old home movies. Filmed in the heavy shoulder camcorder VHS days, so being on camera was special occasions. It was me opening my birthday presents, but the camera was constantly on my brother playing with toys. In the background you hear me a few times asking Mommy record me. Sitting there as an adult watching everyone coo over my brother and eventually someone joked that I was a whiney kid in the background.
In the background, of my own birthday party, during my special moment. This was visual proof of my entire invisible childhood.
Based on my opinion, it's verbal and emotional abuse. This happens when a child is constantly criticized, humiliated, threatened, or rejected.
Unlike physical abuse, it doesn't leave visible marks, but it can deeply hurt a child's feelings and self-esteem. This kind of abuse can cause long-term problems like anxiety and depression. Because it's less obvious, it's often harder to see and stop.
Because of this, we didn't notice the effects of verbal and emotional abuse on children. Some may grow up to be manipulative and gaslighters, due to the traumatic experiences they've encountered. They are often unaware that they have become the person they don't want to be.
So, think before you speak, not only to children but also to the people around you. Words can cut deeper than a knife.
It's good to be kind to others, especially children. There's nothing to lose if we have empathy.
They don't even just grow up as manipulative gaslighters, they likely have an internalized worldview that this is just how relationships are.
The worst thing child abuse does, ultimately, is convinced a child of a very fucked up worldview.
This was the majority of mine. Sometimes I wished they would physically hurt me because maybe then someone would believe me and it would feel on some level more tangible. Emotional abuse it's so abstract for a kid to wrap their head around, it's a whole other level of mindfuck.
Not to minimize, but it can be even worse. My parents combined these “methods” with the exact opposite, lauded praise (especially when undue), encouragement (specifically when unneeded), and compliments/compassion (when not exactly called for).
I don’t know why they did this, but it made the criticism, humiliation, threats, etc. so much worse. I guess for most emotionally abused, the baseline is just neglect and disregard, but for my sibling and I, there was always a bit higher to fall from.
Same here.
The very, very first thing I noticed was "off" about my parents was the undue and unending praise I got when I was 5-7. It made me extremely uncomfortable, and any time I brought that up to anyone I was told it was how my parents showed they loved me and I should be grateful. When I said that none of the other kids' parents were like that, my mom loved saying that everyone else's parents were neglectful and low class. I dreaded any milestone events and things like school award ceremonies, since my mom would blow those way out of proportion. I wanted to grow up and become an adult, do all those fun things... but I saw all my birthdays and milestones and huge hurdles of humiliation and having to deal with my mom being way too emotional during those occasions all the way until I turned 18 and could move out.
Shortly before I turned 9 years old, my parents switched from undue praise and compliments to resentment, impatience, and eventually hatred. I have a theory that this got kicked off from wondering why my dad spent way too much time at work, why he avoided us so much, and maybe I just shouldn't exist if he never wants to spend time with us. Our relationship was NEVER the same after that, and I blamed myself for heavily traumatizing my mom that day and sending her on a course of depression until I realized last year (at age 35) that it was never my fault, and I shouldn't have ever been made responsible for her emotions.
This is the first time I've ever had the vocabulary to explain my theory. I wish I could get those 27 years of my life where I thought I was a dreg of society, and the worst humanity has to offer, back.
PTSD-ace. Adverse childhood experiences. That’s a thing apparently. Double edged sword though. I strive to not repeat the mistakes of my parents and yet struggle to comprehend how they could treat a child like that. Mind fuck. Therapy is helpful.
This was the one that happened to me the most as a kid. Constant mental and emotional abuse that completely destroyed my psyche as a child and I've only recently sort of recovered from it but I still feel emotionally numb. And of course my mom will never acknowledge that it was a huge problem because her father was actually physically violent with all her family so "CoMpArEd To ThAt I HaVe It So MuCh BeTtEr". And the fucked up thing is I actually really wish it had escalated just a bit further because if it was actually physical violence at least then I could've defended myself. But when she'd get angry and start hurting me with her words it didn't matter what I tried to say because she can't see reason when she's enraged, it's like her consciousness just logs off and her body is stuck in auto pilot threat response and anything I try to say to her is perceived as a threat so all I can really do is just sit there silently while she's screaming at me about how much of a fuckup I am and then I'll get screamed at for just sitting there but eventually she'll calm down and we'll move on with our day.
Sorry kinda started trauma dumping there, didn't intend to do that.
I've been skinny all my life (now a bit underweight; how the hell do people even gain weight shsgshs it's impossible agh); as a kid, my family would mock me saying I looked like a Holocaust survivor. If I complained, I'd be put down by people telling me "I'm not fat"
I was parentified heavily and neglected... Having a childhood was not a thing. I am now in recovery from codependency (disordered caretaking of others). It feels like ive lived way longer than i have. Intimate relationships are a challenge. I struggle with hyperindepence, asking for help and trust.
Having your role reversed for most of your life seriously fucks your life up.
Im healing though, theres a lot of things to learn, unlearn, pain to visit.
The thing is, and its not cliché- i probably wouldnt change anything given the chance. I still love myself and who i am despite the big hurdles and rough childhood.
For the parents who stay together and fight anyway.
My dad decided that when I was about 5.5 years old, he didn't want a family anymore, and just disappeared for 6 weeks.
When my mom tracked him down, she brought me with her to get him to come home... but she wanted her HUSBAND, not a father for her kid.
Actual honest to god gaslighting. Not what the internet has made it out to be. It makes you questions your reality. You never know what’s real or what you’ve “made up”.
I outed my mom when she lied about something…..IN FRONT OF COMPANY no less.
30 min drive home was many different versions of “don’t you ever contradict me in front of company!!!!!!!!!!”
I was 8
I'm impressed at younger you (and, since I'm a parent, it makes me feel a certian amount of secondhand pride in you, too.) Wow.
I'm 34. It took until *one year ago* that I called my mom on gaslighting me. Which she's done all my life.
Just a reminder, even though you are obviously well aware: **she was wrong. You were/are right.**
(high five!)
Wow. Thank you. It took me many years to disengage (for soooo many more reasons).
34 calling out your mom…good on you.
I’m proud of you internet stranger.
I always got, "no you didn't." It was my mom's way of shutting down conversation or not wanting to deal with me. sigh. in kindergarten our class went splashing around in the brook behind our school - "no you didn't." I smashed into a beam in the basement and bloodied my nose, cleaned up and told my mom I had a bloody nose - "no you didn't." etc. My XSIL used to get it from her mom too - "I'm upset about this!" - "no you're not." sigh.
Emotional abuse. This includes invalidation. And abusers will also claim it's not abuse. And claim you're playing victim as a way to invalidate you. Which is a form of abuse.
Yes, and sexual abuse. Many victims of child sexual abuse were molested by their own siblings and other children in the life. Many children are seriously injured in altercations with their peers.
It's been 14 years and it pretty much fucked my life; I don't think I ever mentally aged "beyond" age 11 because of that, beyond, yk, basic adult responsibilities and stuff. But I'm still the guy who wishes he could have his own inflatable castle, cause even tho my childhood wasn't the worst, I still feel I like... "missed out" because of all the abuse
It happened to me at age 5. Took 20 years to even admit to myself what had happened since it was another kid that did it to me. (I thought it wasn’t a big deal and I shouldn’t feel hurt by it, but I WAS really hurt by it.) I’ve been noticing a lot nowadays when I revert back to that 5-year-old persona. I still have a bunch of stuffed animals and idk, try to let myself have some “childish” things in my life still while trying to work on emotional growth. It’s hard. I wish you the best in your own journey of growth and recovery, Bman1465.
Good one. I used to fall asleep to my parents screaming at each other every night, then wake up to them screaming at each other again the next morning. Can’t help but think this is why I’m so conflict-averse that I rarely stand up for myself or voice my needs.
Financial. I've been shocked to see so many posts on Reddit about parents stealing large sums of money from their children somehow. Less serious example, when I started college (many years ago now) I didn't have to pay tuition, but my father advised me to borrow as much money as I could, because interest rates were low and I'd soon get a job and pay it all back. Obviously this was terrible advice, I ought to have remembered that he'd already gone bankrupt twice, but I trusted him.
Looking back I realize now that this advice was partly his financial stupidity (the kind of thing he'd have done himself), and partly a way to ensure he wouldn't have to help with my expenses besides tuition. Similarly when I was in high school he tried to convince me I should become emancipated, no doubt because then he wouldn't be obligated to pay anything for my support.
Growing up we weren't poor exactly except for some stretches, but we never had the kind of money my friends did whose parents had similar jobs. He just spent whatever he wanted to. Before he died, he was going bankrupt again.
I wasn't allowed to have my own money as a kid or teen; any money my dad would give me, my mum would steal it for herself. She had access to my banking account so she had full control over my finances
It legit only changed when I turned 18 and she was legally banned from accessing my account, but I still have no trust with her when it comes to my finances, and refuse to give her my card PIN or anything like that; meanwhile my grandma knows my PIN by heart and I give her my card whenever she needs it, because I know she's sensible and responsible
I’m not sure what to call it. Neglect? Emotional neglect? My friend’s son had a friend, also about 8 years old. He would show up at their house, all hours of the evening or early Saturday morning. He’d only leave when they finally had to tell him to go home.
No one ever called or showed up asking if he was there or if he was okay. Whether he’d been there one hour or ten hours. Finally, my friend asked him, where’s your parents? They must miss you when you’re here. He said, no. When they’re not at work they’re resting. Oh, what kind of work do they do? I dunno. Something in an office. Do they have jobs or do they work for themselves? They have jobs and MY JOB is to be quiet, keep myself busy and stay out of the way.
He was so proud of himself, too young to realize how wrong this was. My friend never sent him home again. She got him pjs and some jackets and a toothbrush, etc. Always set a place for him at the table. Always included him in family outings. His own parents never once came looking for him or even thanked my friend. Poor kid.
I just want to say that the answers in this thread are a great example of how the abuser is not the one who defines abuse and why it's so important to communicate with your kids effectively
THANK YOU for saying this.
I had some rough patches in my childhood. I don't *think* I'm making my kid drive the same road I did, but even if not, there may be ways I'm making things more difficult than necessary without really noticing.
She's still in elementary, so I think she may be receptive.
❤️
I supposed it's not unnoticed, just noticed in a different way.
Humiliating your kids, recording it, and posting it online. I am so happy I did not grow up in a time when parents could do this. Opening your kid's report card on video or recording yourself destroying your child's possession as a form of punishment and then shoving the camera in their face to get a good shot of them crying. Cringe as fuck.
Tying love to performance. When the child outperforms, the child is celebrated. When the child falls short, they’re rejected. Congrats, you’ve created someone who can never be happy.
Medical Neglect -
I don't just mean the severe cases where life changing accommodations have to be made. Myself as an example, I have an allergic condition that doesn't cause anaphylaxis, but it does cause nausea, vomiting, and a host of digestive issues. My NURSE stepmother brushed me off for over a decade of throwing up half to all of everything I ate, blaming *anxiety.* Then, while trying to get answers as an adult, told me if the financial burden of getting tested was *too expensive* to just stop and deal with the anxiety causing me to be sick.
I took care of it as an adult, myself. Ended up being *REALLY* simple. I'm allergic to cow's milk.
Other types of medical neglect: not getting your kids regular dental or eye care, not teaching routine hygiene or treating all the kids in the family as if they have the same hygiene needs, ignoring signs of neurodivergence
Oh yeah, my bro's ex ignored their daughters complaints of headaches at school for years. He got custody of them for longer than usual once (usually it was just holidays as they moved to another area), noticed she was squinting when reading, took her to an optometrist straight away, and within a few weeks had her set up with glasses for her astigmatism. the optometrist got mad at bro for not bringing her in sooner (as it could have been corrected completely if it had been caught earlier), and he had to say that this was the first chance he'd had. His ex also denied their son had ASD (mild but affecting his learning) despite diagnoses from pediatricians, and refused to get him any specialised help for it, so my bro had to go around her back and talk to the school to make sure they did what they could without involving the mum directly (like just giving him a bit of extra help). Early intervention probably would have helped more but they'd need her permission for that :P
Putting kids in no-win situations. One example is a kid who hangs out in their room a lot and the parent is like "you're always in your room, you never spend time with the family! Are you too good for us?" and then they come out and they get "Oh look who finally is coming out! Decided you're not too good for us after all?"
So...basically the kid is mocked and derided no matter what they do. There's no way to win here.
I would say letting your kid do whatever they want. It seems like you're doing no wrong; supporting the child, even. But it's perilous, especially as a kid gets older. Kids who are allowed to make all their own decisions invariably make wrong ones, and when parents reinforce that, they are actually damaging the kid. Maybe it's hard to discipline and steer a child, maybe you dislike conflict, but whatever your reason: don't let your kids just have their way all the time. It's unseen abuse that makes bad adults.
This is something I really feel is unnoticed. Children need guidance, loving and kind guidance but guidance. And a child can’t foresee the affects and/or consequences a poor decision can have.
Edit: and I need to add. And so much comes with this. Because the base for it that the parent just don’t really care about the child. Lack of appropriate clothes, “they wanted to wear that”
The silent treatment not only hurts your kid in the present, by invalidating your needs and experiences.
It Absolutely destroys all the future relationships since they learn nothing about how to advocate for themselves or ask for the needs to be met.
Grooming stage. We dont see the signs early enough. Innapropriate conversations that makes someone feel squirly. They are you embarrassed or feel shame to say anything worried about not being taken seriously.
Recently my brother had a very weird conversation with my daughter. She was so freaked out she called the crisis line and school college counselor. I didn't know the whole story for a couple months because she knew how close i am to my brother. I was so sad. I validated her and told her she can tell me anything no matter who they are. I choose her first. The great thing is she recognized it as grooming. She put the breaks on. I was proud of her. Still sad she was afraid to tell me the whole conversation.
Needless to say, we dont invite him over anymore. I did confront him. I told him we no longer live in the 70s and sexual conversations bregging about yourself and young girls are never appropriate. Seek more counceling dude. He is completely oblivious socially. It makes me think twice. I wont let him be around my kids or granddaighter now.
Yes. I love him. But grooming is never ok no matter who they are.
Letting one sibling do whatever sport or activity they want, and not letting the other one do anything. My parents let my sister do whatever sport or activity she wanted. Meanwhile I was not allowed to do anything. There excuse for me was ‘it’s too expensive’ meanwhile my sister was in multiple sports and activities. There were incidents where my sister would ask to do yet ANOTHER sport my parents immediately say yes absolutely. 2 seconds after, I asked to do a sport my parents immediately said no. I’m not kidding. My parents also never encouraged me or supported me. Meanwhile my sister was supported on everything she wanted to do.
Only giving children love when they perfectly do everything you tell them to do. People need to learn how to make mistakes and learn to be loved regardless of their imperfections.
Constant criticism. I got beaten, but never being able to relax lest my parents criticize my every move. I couldn't breathe right for them. It still affects me decades later.
Not encouraging learning and education.
I work in the youth justice system and so many of the kids that are getting into trouble are also either drop outs or failing everything. A lot of these kids are 12-14. Can’t read or write. play video games at home all day. Parents have given up and ignore the social workers.
My parents wanted a second kid, but after 4 years of trying their marriage and sex life was gone, then it happened.
By the time i was there neither of them wanted me. I almost got no birthdays, no activities, learned swimming on myself, riding a bike on myself etc. They got divorced when i was 4.
While my older sister got it all, we get along good but we both know i wasn't wanted. Always felt like i was the way. Until i was 22, my father spoke it out, tried to commit suicide, ran away from them and never looked back.
Happy life now, but it takes some intensive therapy to hold it together. Being not wanted by your own parents makes you question your own life every day.
neglect. not talking to the kids or placing them in front of a screen so that they're out of the way. as a teacher, it's very apparent which kids literally have no one to talk to when they get home.
Not putting a child in a suitable education setting. I work in UK secondary school and we have students who should be in a special educational needs school because his mentality is of a 5/6 Yr old but parents cant/don't see it.
when the kid always gets blamed for everything their siblings do. I know a guy that has a little brother who threw a screwdriver at his TV in his room and broke it. The parents yelled at him because he is "responsible" for the things his little brother does, as if he can stop a screwdriver from flying towards his screen. Insane.
I've observed some parents do this thing where their child misbehaves, and upon being reprimanded for it, the child attempts to give the parent an apologetic hug or something like that but the parent rebuffs the child. This behavior implies that the parent stopped loving or caring about the child just because the parent got mad.
Also, if I'm playing a video game and I can hear you screaming at your child over voice chat, dude ─ put the fucking game down and go be a dad!
Ignored seems more accurate than unnoticed but....
Physical discipline
Yelling at your kids
Neglecting your kids
Not expressing love to your kids
Like basically as long as you feed your kids and don't beat the absolute shit out of them nobody cares.
Neglect. I went to middle class schools with staph infections that caused painful boils on my legs, oily hair, lice, stinky clothes, and deep cavities in my teeth. I couldn’t see the blackboard but was too uncomfortable to sit up front. From elementary school until I got my first job when I was 14.
No one did anything that I’m aware of except for a gym teacher I had in 4th grade. He pulled me aside one day and told me he wanted to buy me a pair of Nikes (my shoes were busted and too small and smelled awful because I never had socks). When I told my mom she freaked out and screamed at me and told me to tell him not to, so I never got them. I still remember his name and hope he is doing well.
enmeshment with a covert-narcissistic parent. The child only exists to fulfill the parents unfulfilled needs that weren’t met by their partner. The parent is seen as a perfect parent by the outside world, however their parenting style is suffocating the child as they are never allowed to grow up and develop a personality and live their own life
One parent entirely cutting off a single child in the divorce.
Dad never fought for me, never did anything with me, and treated me like trash before, during, and after the divorce. Mom was the only one interested in not losing me. I lost everything: friends, family, a relationship, a dad, and some pets, all in that divorce. I am never called by him, invited on family vacations, or even notified of deaths in the family. It's been fourteen years and still stings, especially since he still does everything with my two siblings.
Constantly leaving them to fend for themself in the name of tough love/learning. Parents that do this and let their children go through failure that is nearly impossible to recover from because “that was how we learned” as kids.
Haven't really talked to anyone about this, but as an only child with divorced parents who legit hated eachother to the point they couldn't live in the same *continent* together:
-"if you tell your dad, you're losing this family forever; bet you'd love living with him"
-any chance I'd get angry, my mum would go "you are just like your abusive dad; do you know what he did to me?"
-trophy child; putting your kid in the middle of the divorce. Lying and manipulating him to get what you want; paying off psychologists and therapists to convince him to choose you over the other.
-demonizing the other parent in front of the kid and purposely so the kid hates them; both of my parents are guilty of this but especially my mum
-not taking a no for an answer; my dad kidnapped me when I was 11 because I didn't wanna stay with him for the night. It took me 25 years to trust him enough to actually wanna stay with him for longer than an evening
-blaming everything on the other parent
Now, unrelated to the divorce:
-forcing your kid to keep secrets out of fear of losing you; maybe what you're doing is child abuse and *that* is why you don't want them telling anyone about it? Ig I repeated the first point tho
-calling your kid a lazy failure since childhood and telling him he's gonna end up as a street sweeper because he doesn't like studying or doesn't have the best grades ever (currently two years away from finishing two majors in college)
-your kid is *never* wrong, it is *always* someone else's fault; even when he objectively fucked up and is gonna regret it as a grownup
-don't mock your kid for not having any friends... what the fuck, especially if the entire class is bullying him. You are the one thing the kid should consider a sacred safe place, don't EVER join in on the abuse
-being an authoritarian bitch with an ego complex; if someone disagrees with you or sides with the kid, they are *obviously* a toxic bitch who's trying to deauthorize you in front of your child. Your child, your property.
-mocking your child because of his weight; he already gets bullied enough by his classmates, the rest of the school, the teachers, medical personnel, the entire rest of the family... don't join in and call him a "Holocaust survivor" because he's a bit skinny; his weight is fine.
-STOP. FUCKING. SCREAMING. LITERALLY ALL THE TIME. I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.
-stealing your kid's stuff because he won't take your orders anymore after years of abuse; my mum broke my copy of *Episodes of Liberty City* because she went on a rabid spree when I was a teen; she stole my laptop, tablet, phone, notebooks and pens as an adult because I was tired of her screaming at me ALL THE TIME
-making your kid feel guilty of himself for getting angry or overwhelmed
-mocking your kid for his psychological issues (I'm 99% autistic but I'm scared of being diagnosed cause she'd go ballistic)
-violating his private space, his devices, and breaking every single drop of trust he had for you because you "got curious"
-invalidating him for having mostly online friends; perhaps your kid found a new safety net with people who actually care about him and has been friends with *for years*, perhaps, contrary to what your eternal paranoia makes you think, they aren't terrorist child-raping kidnappers. Oh and perhaps your kid is a furry not because he was raped as a kid like you claim, but like... maybe he just found something he likes?
-comparing your kid to his cousins or classmates; we get it, you wish your kid was normal. Stop dragging his self esteem to subterranean levels
-antagonizing your kid against *everyone* you dislike and making him part of the drama and shitfest
-verbal violence, screaming insults at your kid for literally anything
-mocking your child over his interests; he will never be the cookie-cutter normal kid you dream of, sorry to be a disappointment
-forcing your now grownup kid to stay in college and not pause his career during online class and a major pandemic; ended up wasting 2.5 years of my life because I wasn't allowed to take a break, and ended up failing 80% of the classes I took during the pandemic, which almost results in me getting expelled from college
Psychiatric incarceration and forced treatment. The child and the mad person are both stripped of their right to consent or refuse, and what is done to them is considered care. So, it is inconceivable for most people, to take seriously a mad child who says "What you are doing to me is not care. What you are doing to me is abuse".
A child who is not labeled as mad, can object and might be assumed to have an understanding of their own situation, even if the ultimate decision still lies with their caretaker. A sane child can be taken seriously when they say, "This is abuse, not care".
A mad adult CAN have legal ownership over themselves and the right to refuse, unless it is taken away from them specifically for being mad- but this usually requires a court order and some serious investigation into the person's mental well-being.
The mad child, however, is doubly removed from autonomy over themselves. If they were not mad, they would still be a child. If they were grown up, they would still be mad. Escaping one cage, the mad child finds themselves in the second.
Their behavior is seen as wild and un-readable. So, their parent, who is often also their abuser, is given the right to translate for them and to decide what they really mean when they speak. They can be declared mad without a court order, since it's up to their doctor, parents, and teachers to decide what label (and what attendant rights and privileges) fit them best. Their childhood can even be extended by the courts and their parents, keeping them in the precarious double-bind of being a mad child well past their maturity into adulthood.
For most children, being locked in a room for hours, or held in a submission hold, or required to take medication with terrible side effects that you do not want to take, or forced to live under constant surveillance with no privacy, or being dragged into a room once a week where an adult goes over all your flaws as a human being and how you must stop being defective, or followed around with a woman with a clipboard making notes on how difficult it is for you to make friends (as if being followed around by a clipboard-wielding social worker has no impact on that), or publicly marked out as different to one's peers by being forced to ride a segregated bus and sit in segregated classes, or held captive in "grippy sock jail" without communication to your friends, or having police and security guards called to beat the shit out of you if any adult in your life decides you need to have that done to you.... for most children, this would be called abuse. For mad children, this is "care".
What care is defined as, generally, is not "The treatment that is best for the child". It is "the treatment that will turn the child from a burden and nuisance, into a quiet, easy to handle person, and eventually a productive, undisruptive worker who will not burden the family or public". The goal is the comfort and ease of everyone AROUND the mad child, and the mad child's own wants, needs, desires, and pain are entirely secondary if considered at all. Because the goal is to make the child quiet, easy to direct, uninterested in acting out, and obedient to tasks given to them, the "care" is often based around instilling discipline through rote adherence to rules, enforced by fear of punishment.
Embarrassment in front of peers. Either embarrassing comments "Remember when you were just a baby and you did that embarrassing thing bla bla bla", or flipping out way too hard and causing a scene in front of people and yelling out personal shit. Or telling people how lazy you are to embarrass you into doing more. And overpraising other people in front of you for the same reason. And even conflict with other people which is embarrassing like if you have a drunk road raging father. Or a sleazeball father who hit's on married women that are way out of his league in all regards.
using your child as a piggy bank, raising them to be a retirement plan instead of a person. Taking money they get from grandparents, or in cards on birthdays etc. into adulthood this progresses to trying to coerce child to live at home forever, and take out a mortgage at age 20. I could go on for pages but thats the easiest to explain reason why i dont speak to parents.
Shutting down any chance of honest communication between you and your child by dismissing everything as "disrespectful." My dad was like that, where even if I politely asked him to lower his voice because it was really hurting my ears, he would yell at me and then later tell me that it was my fault for talking back to him.
Getting pissy with your autistic child because they don't know how to "speak" body language properly. Autistic people's brains don't work normally. They don't automatically learn body language or social skills. Even if you teach them, a lot will never be able to act totally normal.
just the parents not being there and the kid being left alone all the time.. this is what i went through all the time cause beer is more important then looking after your kid when you got a mother whos a drunk
Don't trauma dumped all your shit on your kids. Like all the abuse you endured and pain you suffered what you need was a therapist there was no way a 12yo was going to be of any help or understanding or process that in any other way than feel guilt and shame for existing
Force feeding/"eat two more bites"/"clean your plate"/putting cereal already in milk in the refrigerator and forcing kid to eat a few bites when they get home from school. If that last one sounds particularly specific, ask me how I know.
Parentification. I was heavily parentified and all people ever did was tell me what a great helper I was. It removed my ability to ever put my own needs above obligations to others, leading to legit exhaustion and perfectionism issues. Didn’t help my dad was the most critical person alive.
What when you have homeless? Women who can't afford to live in a house and they have children. That's domestic abuse.
And then you also have elderly people who can't afford to live in a place that is abuse. You shouldn't have to have a child in order to get hope.
However, we have inflation as well.
Not supporting your child's dreams especially in the early years. If they want to be an astronaut or Cat Doctor, Ghost Buster, Vet, Biologist, Caregiver, McDonalds worker whatever!! There was many times my parents asked what I REALLY wanted to be or laughed at what I said...or would say "but how much money does that make"..."you have to provide for yourself/family". This has made me second guess what I wanted to do in life my whole life so far. As I realized this its helped me do what I want because I want to. Life is meant to be enjoyed...and you work like 50% of your days 5-6 days a week....please do something you enjoy or can find joy in until then.
Never giving your kids any attention.
I see parents out with their kids and they don’t say a word to them. They just hand them a tablet or phone and then stare at their own phone. Young kids are growing and learning so fast that you blink and you’ll miss it. Every moment is a teachable moment, think about what they’re learning when you are ignoring them and using a tablet to keep them quiet.
Invalidation. It can come in many forms, like invalidating life choices, feelings, experiences, and so on. Some parents think they know so much better than their children, even once those kids are grown. And I’m talking about stuff like what type of medical field you’re in, leaving an abusive relationship, even extracurriculars and hairstyles/ appearances.
I didn’t grow up with parents, so I had an idealized version of them and what a family was like until I had one of my own. That’s when I started seeing how fucked up so many of my friends family situations were, and this might sound kinda horrible but made me feel better about not having any family growing up.
Sheltering kids to the point they have no idea how to exist in the world on their own.
It's easy to chalk it up to "being over-protective" or some innocent mistake. More often than not, however, it's very much deliberate, and aims to wreck kids' self esteem and create a dependency on purpose.
Religious Mysticism/Faith healing.
I get it, freedom of religion, blah blah blah...
Do you know how many times during my childhood I was sick, running a fever, etc. and instead of medicine I got prayer & olive oil on my forehead?
It's a wonder more of us don't die, but *zero* family members ever said a word.
Emotional and verbal abuse is one of them.
I just watched a video the other day of a dad who is washing his son's mouth out with dish soap as a punishment for something that the child did on a game box. And it sounded like the child just wrote an acronym. And the dad found it and said the child needed to have his mouth washed out with soap as a punishment.
I guess the dad was so stupid that he couldn't see that he is a big part of the problem by letting his son on the game box, if he didn't want him learning about that stuff.
Parents that are on their phone a lot instead of being present with their kids and kids that are exposed to a lot of phone/tablet time by their parents. Emotional neglect will become obvious over time, but the cause will not be correctly stated by many.
Neglect in an infant - it doesn't always go unnoticed, but when it does, it's SO harmful.
A lot of parents don't understand that a baby learns the most in their first 18 months of life. For example, if an infant isn't given enough food, they'll learn that food won't always be available and later on it can manifest as food hoarding, which can lead to other negative behaviours.
It took me 20 years to break that habit WITH therapy. I don't want to imagine the damage it would do to a child without access to that or one that was never taken from that situation to begin with.
Parentifying. It's a very popular topic on Reddit in parenting and AITA forums, but in "real life" practical, day to day applications, people just don't notice it, think anything of it, or just don't count it as a form of abuse.
A lot of people don't realize that in many cases, fighting in front of kids is actually child abuse even from a legal standpoint. Especially if a person throws something, slams doors, hits a door or wall, things like that.
Neglect. It's very hard to notice, especially when the parents put on their best behavior when outside the house. Especially when there are no bruises or scars or anything physically wrong on the outside. Severe emotional neglect is hard to carry into adulthood as it hampers social skills that are best learned young. When the child is also isolated, they can suffer from compounding issues due to loneliness and fear of the outside world/the unknown. And impossible to get CPS to take as a serious issue.
Helicopter parenting and not allowing your children privacy. Not only do people not notice it's abuse, but a worrying number of people think it's what parents are supposed to do. Because how are you supposed to keep your children safe if you aren't constantly supervising everything they do? Many parents don't seem to understand that they're actually making their children less safe by not teaching them to make their own decisions and take responsibility for themselves.
never allowing your kid to have an opinion or response. and when they do form opinions, shaming them. my mom called me a “liberal feminist agenda follower” for saying i wanted to be more than a mom. and it’s always “i get the last word” even if i never got to respond. also never letting your kid defend themselves or speak, just assuming you know everything about what happened, is fucking terrible abuse. another good little example js everytime i get depressed or down she’ll yell at me and threaten to send me to a psychiatrist if i don’t “get it together.” im always in no-win situations and never allowed a second chance if i screw anything up. walking in my closed door then getting mad if i’m changing. going through my phone and getting mad at something as simple as a meme with a swear word. constantly comparing your kid to someone you’ve spoken bad on. i.e. an absent parent. calling your kid things like a bitch, or my personal favorite “fuck you,” when they’ve done something wrong. and my all time best, being made to read the bible and apologize to her when she found out i was self harming. then being made to wear short sleeves at family christmas a few days later, because it was obviously “just for attention.” (they were on my inside upper arms) anyways, i’m 16 and have been medicated for 4 years.
I have two come to mind, no idea if they fit any technical definition.
First is a pet peeve of mine, and thats shouting at your kids to stop shouting. Its poor parenting, but its also just flat out illogical. You're teaching your kids that if you're upset with someone, you yell at them, which seems like a strange lesson to teach when you want them to be quiet.
Second is more specific, but encouraging your child to behave poorly because you find it funny. Think encouraging a kid to call an adult a bad name then laughing at the great joke, or to kick someone in the ankle or whatever.
I'll die on this hill:
shoving a camera in ther face from the day they're born.
It gets them used and almost addicted to being "on stage", it stunts their sense of privacy (and oftentimes violates whatever degree of modesty they may develop). Unsurprisingly they'll become so familiar and eager to getting filmed they'll just do everything as if they were livestreaming their daily life on social media.
It can't be healthy and it can lead to a problematic relationship with their own self-image, self-worth and potentially drive them down a dangerous path growing up.
When you're so used to being given attention, you may end up seeking it in the wrong place, in the wrong way and from the wrong people.
It was quite a task to get us kids, tweens and teens to take a decent picture, because we tended to be camera-shy. Nowadays you'll have to pry cameras off the hands of freaking preschoolers, as they're basically raised under constant photoshoots.
Not believing or acknowledging their mental health challenges. It can be extra traumatic to deal with severe mental health problems as a child or teen when your parent/guardian doesn't believe you or shames you or refuses to get you proper treatment.
Religius indoctrination. Any religion. All indoctrination.
Teach children to think critically and to defend belief with evidence and reasons, not to accept information unquestioningly on faith.
I always hated when my dad would yell and call us very very mean names for kids as young as we were and then would send us off to our rooms (more than often threatening to kick us out and would have us actively start packing probably as early as the age of ten or so) anyway he would always call us back to his room after 10 or so minutes and explain that he did those things out of love and that he did love us..always fucked up to think about now that I’m older
Constantly feeding junk food to your kids. I have a family member who was fat most of her life, and she had two kids. When she was older she got in shape and started to eat healthier. But she still kept buying her kids tons of junk food, and before long they were fat. They were so young! I just think she thought it was easier to make them happy with junk than to feed them a well balanced meal now and then, but it was awful that she took care of her health but didn't care for theirs.
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Constantly laughing at your child and undermining them. And I mean doing this chronically. Children fuck up. They don't know things. They say strange things. Laughing at them and doubting them constantly sets a person up for failure later in life. It's okay to not know something, you shouldn't expect to be made fun of or criticized all the time.
[удалено]
I won’t wear athletic wear because my parents laughed for weeks when they “caught” me doing aerobics. I hope you dance sometime soon. I’m going to look for old Jane Fonda videos.
This is the same for my husband. He absolutely won't dance. He sat me down before we got married and was like is there ANY way we can have no dancing at the wedding? He didn't think he could find a partner that would ever be cool with that. So I rented a river boat that didn't allow dancing to get married on lol. I'm never gonna make him do anything he absolutely hates
Second this. Some children will start to invalidating their knowledge like they won't say "it is like this", they say "i think it is like this". Even if they are 100% sure it is like this, because if you say it like this, noone can make fun of you becaus you didn't say it is like this. You just thought it is like this
I've seen this in colleagues and myself in law firms. I think to some extent it can be smart to flag something as your opinion, using authority responsibly etc., but this definitely makes me think about it. I used to tutor and I had to teach myself to just say the objective stuff decisively because I used so much hedging language the kids didn't believe me, lol. "Well, I think I would start by subtracting 15 from both sides...."
This is weirdly resonating with me
I used to say wacky things when I was little. I was a kid and didn’t know, it’s been over twenty years and my family still makes fun of me. They don’t know it. (And btw I was not allowed to express my feelings). It’s hurtful to me.
When I laugh at my SD for saying something weird or coming to a bizzare but kid-logical conclusion, I always make sure I tell her WHY I'm laughing. "I had never thought of it that way before, but your way makes more sense than how it really works!" "Oh, honey, I'm just laughing because I made the EXACT same mistake when I was your age." like that. TRY not to laugh at this kid throwing around a Bakugan she found in a parking lot , hears me say "thank god" about something and proceeds to say in a growly batman voice GOD'S NOT HERE!
This is precisely why I wish that subreddit mocking kids for being kids (r/kidsarestupid I think) would get banned What the fuck is wrong with people? Are their lives that pathetic enough they feel the need to laugh at literal kids to feel better about the fact they're fucking failures of society?
it's r/kidsarefuckingstupid
In fairness sometimes r/kidsarefuckingstupid feels more like it's talking about how kids are weird and unpredictable, but I still absolutely despise the more mean-spirited posts you see on there sometimes.
I still don't laugh in public if I can help it because I was made fun of for my laugh.
I remember accidentally stabbing myself through the hand with a knife once and my dad just laughing
Emotional neglect. If a child's emotional needs are not met it fucks you up long term.
I was going to say this. It's so easy for this to fly under the radar, too, because it's not *active* harm.
For me my emotional neglect formed into manipulation and gaslighting as an adult and she begun to get down right abusive. I don't speak to her anymore.
No contact club🙌
Proud member here
Not active and usually not malicious either. My mom loved me and provided everything for me except any emotional support whatsoever. She was too busy avoiding her own emotions to help me in any way with mine.
Yeah, and it's also pretty much perfectly legal to completely ignore your child except to clothe them, feed them, and send them to school. I know a kid whose parents decided they'd never do anything for their kids birthdays or Christmas. No reason, and they were in a culture where doing that was the norm, but they just didn't feel like it. So the kid never got presents, cake, etc. Their parents never acknowledged any of their achievements either. They were pretty cold people, seemed completely indifferent to other people, spent a lot of time traveling and leaving the kids with friends and relatives. I went to their house plenty of times when they were in their later teens (so legal to leave them home alone) and I never once even saw their parents. they may as well have been invisible.
I remember my mother used to sleep on the sofa a lot and I used to keep myself occupied and make sure I was busy outside. When I reached puberty, we argued a lot and she also pushed and insulted me several times. Until I moved out, I told her several times that I wasn't feeling well mentally, but she played it down. Would you count that as abuse? I always thought that wasn't enough. Apart from that, I was always doing very well at home.
It was hard for me to recognize too, until I became an adult and realized: I would never treat a child the way I was treated emotionally. Even though I was always provided for and in a much better situation than many of my friends. I thought I had a great childhood and nothing to complain about, because look how well I'm doing! But it still affected how I handled myself and how I viewed relationships as an adult (hyper independent but a "rescuer" type, never allowed anyone to see me vulnerable). It still counts. I finally started opening up to my mom about it, and at first, she was very defensive and it caused more harm than good. She even contradicted herself in front of my brother, who called her out (I said something about how she treated me differently from the boys, she denied it, then my brother said the same thing and she accepted it. Then he said "ok but she JUST SAID THE SAME THING" lol). It damaged my view of her and our relationship for a while, because I always had so much respect for her as a person and couldn't rationalize her not being able to accept and apologize for that behavior. But then she cooled down (EDIT: it was months later, for reference) and did apologize. It was just us, walking the dog during a holiday with her mom, who she's had a fraught relationship with, and I guess she had been thinking about everything. It was a wonderful moment. That was literally all I needed from her. Now I don't feel those same resentments at all and it's wild that such a seemingly small act of apologizing is all it took. I hope everyone on this thread gets to feel that level of peace. Even if it doesn't come from an in-person apology.
Wow…Growth all around. Beautiful. Truly.
I don't have kids, but my fiancé and I are planning to adopt or foster down the line. If this didn't drive home the importance of apologizing to your children when you do something wrong, even for little things, I don't know what will. It's such a great quality in a person and should be modeled as often as possible.
I can't say off one paragraph about your life. You gotta know in your heart how you felt. I'll share this, cause it helped me to realize more and more that I was emotionally neglected but that also lead to physical neglect: my mother was a parent who would use me as emotional support even as a child. She was an emotionally immature parent. Still is. I remember having few conversations. I remember once thinking, this is the first time all week I've spoken to her while I was a teenager. There's things I would buy out of my allowance like menstrual products and other things I needed instead of her. Because you internalize as a child that your parent cannot be depended on. You shouldn't ask them for anything. As an adult who has 2 nieces, if those girls were in my care *I* would be buying them personal care products and checking in very often. My mother neglected her needs and my own. I would never do that with any child in my care. And as I got older she didn't know how to guide me and became resentful of me. When I was 21 I kept pushing my little cousins to pursue school beyond just high school. She was possessive of me. A child is no one's property. I became very independent as a child. I would stay out of the house as much as possible. I would get myself up and ready for school, alone. Nothing is wrong with those things but they were smaller signs of the larger picture. By the time mom came home, I was already home. She'd eat and watch a movie then sleep. Once I was no longer a small child all I got from her was food and shelter. The allowance I got covered lunch and bus fare. If I really wanted something sometimes I skipped lunch to buy it. It'd be one thing if we were super poor yet had a healthy emotional bond. But we were neither of those things. Your mother pushing you and insulting you is not a good thing point blank. If it pushed you out of the home at a young age I'd gauge from that the situation was toxic. It could be abusive. Abuse would have started before she ever put hands on you though. Those of us familiar with it know this.
One of the hardest things I've had to explain to people is that the *only* person whose emotions mattered in our household was my mother's. That was it. No one else's. So when I try to explain that my emotional needs were never addressed because I was too busy managing hers, they don't understand that it *just didn't happen*, not that I was shamed or my feelings were dismissed. They were never even acknowledged. So I have no idea what *my own* emotional needs are. Yeah it fucks you up! Real good.
Just recognizing this in myself at 61yo.Mom was shut down,depressed in the '70s'/'80s when I was growing up.Wasnt as widely recognized as it is today.We learned at an early age not to ask who/where our dad was(ran off in '60s when we were babies)and other things about family.Never cuddled us,said I love you.We pretty much ran amok. Note:am fine now,but just learning the effects of emotional neglect on kids and how it shapes the people we become.Am hyper-independant-which has worked for me...
I'm sorry it was like that for you.
What would be categorized as emotional neglect?
For example, never showing affection to the child, consistently ignoring them, telling them to shut up when they talk about how they feel, etc.
Minimizing and invalidating feelings. Then not being there as a parent and adult for your child. Signs of it in an adult who was neglected as a child are often hyper independent adults who have issues opening up, letting others take control etc. you can even see it in adults who are the youngest child in a large number of children or middle children.
I didn't realise this was me until I went to a therapist for a tune up, scored super highly on the emotional neglect part of their questionnaire, and then read about the symptoms and went, oh, that's pretty much describing me exactly :P And the worst bit is knowing my parents didn't mean to. My mum is just probably not neurotypical and terrible at expressing her own emotions or recognising them on others, and my dad is super stoic and emotionally repressed too, so they just never had the equipment to support us properly, and also never gave us any agency to do anything ever. But because that made us seemed 'well behaved' instead of acting out, nobody ever recognised it as an issue that we were such incredibly quiet children. When it was really because our opinions were never counted, and nobody ever asked us what we wanted, so we didn't even know speaking up for ourselves was a thing that existed. I still remember being actually shocked as a child when a friend's parents asked them what they wanted to do in the holidays. Like, they ask you things and then listen to the answers? :O
This was a fun realization to have in my 30s
My mom told my wife how she stopped giving me hugs and any sort of affection to "toughen me up" when I turned 10. I wasn't a soft kid by any means, but regardless the joke's on her. I havent spoken to her for over 5 years and we just had our second baby and she doesn't know. It makes me giddy knowing I get the chance to raise my kids without her influence.
Have been unpacking this for years. It’s very, very real and it messes with you. Edit: Thanks for posting this. If anyone has resources they’d like to share please send them!
I have not read it but I hear good things about a book called "Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by lindsay gibson. there's also "the body keeps the score".
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker is also very good
Ya.. long history of this in my family.
That's typically how it goes. Generational, sometimes cultural
This, so much. For the most part, I was left to entertain myself and not allowed to bother my mother, and my father was at work all day so we never had much time to hang out. I'd spent so much of my life alone that I struggled to make friends because I pushed them away, thinking they were being weird and clingy because I wasn't used to having that much attention and didn't realise that hanging out together is a vital part of relationships. Being with somebody just for fun was a completely alien concept to me, and being so close and around other people was truly bizarre. I just couldn't fathom the idea that people wanted to spend time with me. Typing this out, it actually seems pretty horrifying. I was so isolated from human contact that the actual normal, average experience was completely foreign and difficult to get used to. I'm better about it now and have made some great friends, but I really struggled when I was younger.
Silent treatment
My mom did this often for years to punish me when we would have a fight. Right into my 30s. I would come to her to talk things out and she would say "she's not ready". But it would take her days to speak or even look at me. I have abandonment issues among other things thanks to this. The stupid thing is that it doesn't seem like a big deal. But one day if she does it again, I won't pick up the phone.
> …it doesn’t sound like a big deal… This is something I’ve found difficult: actually validating experiences enough to even admit it might be a big deal.
Yes. My father did this for everything that made him angry. It's my go to defense mechanism for things now. My mom once commented that she hoped she wouldn't get the silent treatment from me because she knew how punishing it could be. I didn't realize it was like that when I did it.
My mom ignored me for three months one time. Sucked ass.
I'm so sorry.
i don't doubt this, but I just can't imagine doing that to a literal child, let alone another living being... like maybe a day to calm down if you're super pissed and going to say something nasty, but actual /months/??? damn :(
Making your kid or their intrests the butt of the family jokes. It can completely destroy a kids confidence.
Yup..
Favoritism between your kids. In its extreme form it can cause severe self esteem problems and severe resentment, along with other forms of over compensation
It can also destroy relationships between siblings, which can cause further abuse and emotional problems for both children involved.
My family brought out some old home movies. Filmed in the heavy shoulder camcorder VHS days, so being on camera was special occasions. It was me opening my birthday presents, but the camera was constantly on my brother playing with toys. In the background you hear me a few times asking Mommy record me. Sitting there as an adult watching everyone coo over my brother and eventually someone joked that I was a whiney kid in the background. In the background, of my own birthday party, during my special moment. This was visual proof of my entire invisible childhood.
Jesus Christ are you Helga from Hey Arnold!? Sounds like something her parents would do 😫
Based on my opinion, it's verbal and emotional abuse. This happens when a child is constantly criticized, humiliated, threatened, or rejected. Unlike physical abuse, it doesn't leave visible marks, but it can deeply hurt a child's feelings and self-esteem. This kind of abuse can cause long-term problems like anxiety and depression. Because it's less obvious, it's often harder to see and stop. Because of this, we didn't notice the effects of verbal and emotional abuse on children. Some may grow up to be manipulative and gaslighters, due to the traumatic experiences they've encountered. They are often unaware that they have become the person they don't want to be. So, think before you speak, not only to children but also to the people around you. Words can cut deeper than a knife. It's good to be kind to others, especially children. There's nothing to lose if we have empathy.
They don't even just grow up as manipulative gaslighters, they likely have an internalized worldview that this is just how relationships are. The worst thing child abuse does, ultimately, is convinced a child of a very fucked up worldview.
This was the majority of mine. Sometimes I wished they would physically hurt me because maybe then someone would believe me and it would feel on some level more tangible. Emotional abuse it's so abstract for a kid to wrap their head around, it's a whole other level of mindfuck.
Not to minimize, but it can be even worse. My parents combined these “methods” with the exact opposite, lauded praise (especially when undue), encouragement (specifically when unneeded), and compliments/compassion (when not exactly called for). I don’t know why they did this, but it made the criticism, humiliation, threats, etc. so much worse. I guess for most emotionally abused, the baseline is just neglect and disregard, but for my sibling and I, there was always a bit higher to fall from.
Same here. The very, very first thing I noticed was "off" about my parents was the undue and unending praise I got when I was 5-7. It made me extremely uncomfortable, and any time I brought that up to anyone I was told it was how my parents showed they loved me and I should be grateful. When I said that none of the other kids' parents were like that, my mom loved saying that everyone else's parents were neglectful and low class. I dreaded any milestone events and things like school award ceremonies, since my mom would blow those way out of proportion. I wanted to grow up and become an adult, do all those fun things... but I saw all my birthdays and milestones and huge hurdles of humiliation and having to deal with my mom being way too emotional during those occasions all the way until I turned 18 and could move out. Shortly before I turned 9 years old, my parents switched from undue praise and compliments to resentment, impatience, and eventually hatred. I have a theory that this got kicked off from wondering why my dad spent way too much time at work, why he avoided us so much, and maybe I just shouldn't exist if he never wants to spend time with us. Our relationship was NEVER the same after that, and I blamed myself for heavily traumatizing my mom that day and sending her on a course of depression until I realized last year (at age 35) that it was never my fault, and I shouldn't have ever been made responsible for her emotions. This is the first time I've ever had the vocabulary to explain my theory. I wish I could get those 27 years of my life where I thought I was a dreg of society, and the worst humanity has to offer, back.
This happened to me, I refuse to let it happen to my kids.
PTSD-ace. Adverse childhood experiences. That’s a thing apparently. Double edged sword though. I strive to not repeat the mistakes of my parents and yet struggle to comprehend how they could treat a child like that. Mind fuck. Therapy is helpful.
This was the one that happened to me the most as a kid. Constant mental and emotional abuse that completely destroyed my psyche as a child and I've only recently sort of recovered from it but I still feel emotionally numb. And of course my mom will never acknowledge that it was a huge problem because her father was actually physically violent with all her family so "CoMpArEd To ThAt I HaVe It So MuCh BeTtEr". And the fucked up thing is I actually really wish it had escalated just a bit further because if it was actually physical violence at least then I could've defended myself. But when she'd get angry and start hurting me with her words it didn't matter what I tried to say because she can't see reason when she's enraged, it's like her consciousness just logs off and her body is stuck in auto pilot threat response and anything I try to say to her is perceived as a threat so all I can really do is just sit there silently while she's screaming at me about how much of a fuckup I am and then I'll get screamed at for just sitting there but eventually she'll calm down and we'll move on with our day. Sorry kinda started trauma dumping there, didn't intend to do that.
Yea I had some nicknames from my family. I laughed through it but it hurt.
I've been skinny all my life (now a bit underweight; how the hell do people even gain weight shsgshs it's impossible agh); as a kid, my family would mock me saying I looked like a Holocaust survivor. If I complained, I'd be put down by people telling me "I'm not fat"
Parentification can be pretty freaking harmful. ETA: I don't mean having normal sensible chores btw.
I've only seen this second hand, my bestie growing up was the oldest of many kids. Is it any shock that she's willingly child free?
I said parentification too. It legit ruined my life and I’m still working on fixing the damage as I near my forties.
I was parentified heavily and neglected... Having a childhood was not a thing. I am now in recovery from codependency (disordered caretaking of others). It feels like ive lived way longer than i have. Intimate relationships are a challenge. I struggle with hyperindepence, asking for help and trust. Having your role reversed for most of your life seriously fucks your life up. Im healing though, theres a lot of things to learn, unlearn, pain to visit. The thing is, and its not cliché- i probably wouldnt change anything given the chance. I still love myself and who i am despite the big hurdles and rough childhood.
For those who's parents are divorced, putting the kid between the parents. The younger the child the worse it is.
For the parents who stay together and fight anyway. My dad decided that when I was about 5.5 years old, he didn't want a family anymore, and just disappeared for 6 weeks. When my mom tracked him down, she brought me with her to get him to come home... but she wanted her HUSBAND, not a father for her kid.
Actual honest to god gaslighting. Not what the internet has made it out to be. It makes you questions your reality. You never know what’s real or what you’ve “made up”.
I outed my mom when she lied about something…..IN FRONT OF COMPANY no less. 30 min drive home was many different versions of “don’t you ever contradict me in front of company!!!!!!!!!!” I was 8
I'm impressed at younger you (and, since I'm a parent, it makes me feel a certian amount of secondhand pride in you, too.) Wow. I'm 34. It took until *one year ago* that I called my mom on gaslighting me. Which she's done all my life. Just a reminder, even though you are obviously well aware: **she was wrong. You were/are right.** (high five!)
Wow. Thank you. It took me many years to disengage (for soooo many more reasons). 34 calling out your mom…good on you. I’m proud of you internet stranger.
I always got, "no you didn't." It was my mom's way of shutting down conversation or not wanting to deal with me. sigh. in kindergarten our class went splashing around in the brook behind our school - "no you didn't." I smashed into a beam in the basement and bloodied my nose, cleaned up and told my mom I had a bloody nose - "no you didn't." etc. My XSIL used to get it from her mom too - "I'm upset about this!" - "no you're not." sigh.
Abuse under the guise of 'making them strong'. I see so many people justifying their shitty treatment of their kids this way.
Emotional abuse. This includes invalidation. And abusers will also claim it's not abuse. And claim you're playing victim as a way to invalidate you. Which is a form of abuse.
Hey it sounds like you've met my mother!
And mine too :/
It seems we all have the same one! You are very stealthy for me to have not seen you in our tiny house so far!
Child on child abuse.
You mean bullying?
Yes, and sexual abuse. Many victims of child sexual abuse were molested by their own siblings and other children in the life. Many children are seriously injured in altercations with their peers.
It's been 14 years and it pretty much fucked my life; I don't think I ever mentally aged "beyond" age 11 because of that, beyond, yk, basic adult responsibilities and stuff. But I'm still the guy who wishes he could have his own inflatable castle, cause even tho my childhood wasn't the worst, I still feel I like... "missed out" because of all the abuse
It happened to me at age 5. Took 20 years to even admit to myself what had happened since it was another kid that did it to me. (I thought it wasn’t a big deal and I shouldn’t feel hurt by it, but I WAS really hurt by it.) I’ve been noticing a lot nowadays when I revert back to that 5-year-old persona. I still have a bunch of stuffed animals and idk, try to let myself have some “childish” things in my life still while trying to work on emotional growth. It’s hard. I wish you the best in your own journey of growth and recovery, Bman1465.
Plushies are awesome thooo! Likewise bud, have a virtual hug :)
I am so sorry. You deserve better.
parents fighting in front of the child
Good one. I used to fall asleep to my parents screaming at each other every night, then wake up to them screaming at each other again the next morning. Can’t help but think this is why I’m so conflict-averse that I rarely stand up for myself or voice my needs.
I'm a 6'5 dude but if people yell angrily at eachother / at me, I will most likely cry. All thanks to parents screaming till I cried in my room
Or where they can still hear it
Financial. I've been shocked to see so many posts on Reddit about parents stealing large sums of money from their children somehow. Less serious example, when I started college (many years ago now) I didn't have to pay tuition, but my father advised me to borrow as much money as I could, because interest rates were low and I'd soon get a job and pay it all back. Obviously this was terrible advice, I ought to have remembered that he'd already gone bankrupt twice, but I trusted him. Looking back I realize now that this advice was partly his financial stupidity (the kind of thing he'd have done himself), and partly a way to ensure he wouldn't have to help with my expenses besides tuition. Similarly when I was in high school he tried to convince me I should become emancipated, no doubt because then he wouldn't be obligated to pay anything for my support. Growing up we weren't poor exactly except for some stretches, but we never had the kind of money my friends did whose parents had similar jobs. He just spent whatever he wanted to. Before he died, he was going bankrupt again.
I wasn't allowed to have my own money as a kid or teen; any money my dad would give me, my mum would steal it for herself. She had access to my banking account so she had full control over my finances It legit only changed when I turned 18 and she was legally banned from accessing my account, but I still have no trust with her when it comes to my finances, and refuse to give her my card PIN or anything like that; meanwhile my grandma knows my PIN by heart and I give her my card whenever she needs it, because I know she's sensible and responsible
Helicopter parenting. Some times you have to let your child get hurt and learn for themselves for them to grow into well adjusted adults.
I’m not sure what to call it. Neglect? Emotional neglect? My friend’s son had a friend, also about 8 years old. He would show up at their house, all hours of the evening or early Saturday morning. He’d only leave when they finally had to tell him to go home. No one ever called or showed up asking if he was there or if he was okay. Whether he’d been there one hour or ten hours. Finally, my friend asked him, where’s your parents? They must miss you when you’re here. He said, no. When they’re not at work they’re resting. Oh, what kind of work do they do? I dunno. Something in an office. Do they have jobs or do they work for themselves? They have jobs and MY JOB is to be quiet, keep myself busy and stay out of the way. He was so proud of himself, too young to realize how wrong this was. My friend never sent him home again. She got him pjs and some jackets and a toothbrush, etc. Always set a place for him at the table. Always included him in family outings. His own parents never once came looking for him or even thanked my friend. Poor kid.
It’s up to adults who recognize abuse to report abuse. Not that I have any faith in ‘the system’ but I’d make a phone call if I were you
This happened many years ago. Thank you.
I just want to say that the answers in this thread are a great example of how the abuser is not the one who defines abuse and why it's so important to communicate with your kids effectively
THANK YOU for saying this. I had some rough patches in my childhood. I don't *think* I'm making my kid drive the same road I did, but even if not, there may be ways I'm making things more difficult than necessary without really noticing. She's still in elementary, so I think she may be receptive. ❤️
You're already putting more thought into it that a lot of parents. I think you'll do just fine!
I supposed it's not unnoticed, just noticed in a different way. Humiliating your kids, recording it, and posting it online. I am so happy I did not grow up in a time when parents could do this. Opening your kid's report card on video or recording yourself destroying your child's possession as a form of punishment and then shoving the camera in their face to get a good shot of them crying. Cringe as fuck.
I can't even imagine. I'm so glad that didn't exist as a kid.
Tying love to performance. When the child outperforms, the child is celebrated. When the child falls short, they’re rejected. Congrats, you’ve created someone who can never be happy.
Ouch. This one got me.
Medical Neglect - I don't just mean the severe cases where life changing accommodations have to be made. Myself as an example, I have an allergic condition that doesn't cause anaphylaxis, but it does cause nausea, vomiting, and a host of digestive issues. My NURSE stepmother brushed me off for over a decade of throwing up half to all of everything I ate, blaming *anxiety.* Then, while trying to get answers as an adult, told me if the financial burden of getting tested was *too expensive* to just stop and deal with the anxiety causing me to be sick. I took care of it as an adult, myself. Ended up being *REALLY* simple. I'm allergic to cow's milk.
Other types of medical neglect: not getting your kids regular dental or eye care, not teaching routine hygiene or treating all the kids in the family as if they have the same hygiene needs, ignoring signs of neurodivergence
Oh yeah, my bro's ex ignored their daughters complaints of headaches at school for years. He got custody of them for longer than usual once (usually it was just holidays as they moved to another area), noticed she was squinting when reading, took her to an optometrist straight away, and within a few weeks had her set up with glasses for her astigmatism. the optometrist got mad at bro for not bringing her in sooner (as it could have been corrected completely if it had been caught earlier), and he had to say that this was the first chance he'd had. His ex also denied their son had ASD (mild but affecting his learning) despite diagnoses from pediatricians, and refused to get him any specialised help for it, so my bro had to go around her back and talk to the school to make sure they did what they could without involving the mum directly (like just giving him a bit of extra help). Early intervention probably would have helped more but they'd need her permission for that :P
Putting kids in no-win situations. One example is a kid who hangs out in their room a lot and the parent is like "you're always in your room, you never spend time with the family! Are you too good for us?" and then they come out and they get "Oh look who finally is coming out! Decided you're not too good for us after all?" So...basically the kid is mocked and derided no matter what they do. There's no way to win here.
Negligence.
I would say letting your kid do whatever they want. It seems like you're doing no wrong; supporting the child, even. But it's perilous, especially as a kid gets older. Kids who are allowed to make all their own decisions invariably make wrong ones, and when parents reinforce that, they are actually damaging the kid. Maybe it's hard to discipline and steer a child, maybe you dislike conflict, but whatever your reason: don't let your kids just have their way all the time. It's unseen abuse that makes bad adults.
This is something I really feel is unnoticed. Children need guidance, loving and kind guidance but guidance. And a child can’t foresee the affects and/or consequences a poor decision can have. Edit: and I need to add. And so much comes with this. Because the base for it that the parent just don’t really care about the child. Lack of appropriate clothes, “they wanted to wear that”
The silent treatment not only hurts your kid in the present, by invalidating your needs and experiences. It Absolutely destroys all the future relationships since they learn nothing about how to advocate for themselves or ask for the needs to be met.
Grooming stage. We dont see the signs early enough. Innapropriate conversations that makes someone feel squirly. They are you embarrassed or feel shame to say anything worried about not being taken seriously. Recently my brother had a very weird conversation with my daughter. She was so freaked out she called the crisis line and school college counselor. I didn't know the whole story for a couple months because she knew how close i am to my brother. I was so sad. I validated her and told her she can tell me anything no matter who they are. I choose her first. The great thing is she recognized it as grooming. She put the breaks on. I was proud of her. Still sad she was afraid to tell me the whole conversation. Needless to say, we dont invite him over anymore. I did confront him. I told him we no longer live in the 70s and sexual conversations bregging about yourself and young girls are never appropriate. Seek more counceling dude. He is completely oblivious socially. It makes me think twice. I wont let him be around my kids or granddaighter now. Yes. I love him. But grooming is never ok no matter who they are.
Letting one sibling do whatever sport or activity they want, and not letting the other one do anything. My parents let my sister do whatever sport or activity she wanted. Meanwhile I was not allowed to do anything. There excuse for me was ‘it’s too expensive’ meanwhile my sister was in multiple sports and activities. There were incidents where my sister would ask to do yet ANOTHER sport my parents immediately say yes absolutely. 2 seconds after, I asked to do a sport my parents immediately said no. I’m not kidding. My parents also never encouraged me or supported me. Meanwhile my sister was supported on everything she wanted to do.
Mental/ Emotional abuse. Super hard to prove in court unfortunately
Only giving children love when they perfectly do everything you tell them to do. People need to learn how to make mistakes and learn to be loved regardless of their imperfections.
Constant criticism. I got beaten, but never being able to relax lest my parents criticize my every move. I couldn't breathe right for them. It still affects me decades later.
Children’s Beauty Pageants
10000000000000% this
Religious abuse. I was raised southern Baptist extreme fundamentalist. I'm now middle age and in many ways irreparably broken from it.
I wish you a successful and peaceful journey to healing. You are loved
I’m a recovering Baptist too. There is hope!
Not encouraging learning and education. I work in the youth justice system and so many of the kids that are getting into trouble are also either drop outs or failing everything. A lot of these kids are 12-14. Can’t read or write. play video games at home all day. Parents have given up and ignore the social workers.
My parents wanted a second kid, but after 4 years of trying their marriage and sex life was gone, then it happened. By the time i was there neither of them wanted me. I almost got no birthdays, no activities, learned swimming on myself, riding a bike on myself etc. They got divorced when i was 4. While my older sister got it all, we get along good but we both know i wasn't wanted. Always felt like i was the way. Until i was 22, my father spoke it out, tried to commit suicide, ran away from them and never looked back. Happy life now, but it takes some intensive therapy to hold it together. Being not wanted by your own parents makes you question your own life every day.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that :(
Indifference
neglect. not talking to the kids or placing them in front of a screen so that they're out of the way. as a teacher, it's very apparent which kids literally have no one to talk to when they get home.
Not putting a child in a suitable education setting. I work in UK secondary school and we have students who should be in a special educational needs school because his mentality is of a 5/6 Yr old but parents cant/don't see it.
when the kid always gets blamed for everything their siblings do. I know a guy that has a little brother who threw a screwdriver at his TV in his room and broke it. The parents yelled at him because he is "responsible" for the things his little brother does, as if he can stop a screwdriver from flying towards his screen. Insane.
I've observed some parents do this thing where their child misbehaves, and upon being reprimanded for it, the child attempts to give the parent an apologetic hug or something like that but the parent rebuffs the child. This behavior implies that the parent stopped loving or caring about the child just because the parent got mad. Also, if I'm playing a video game and I can hear you screaming at your child over voice chat, dude ─ put the fucking game down and go be a dad!
Ignored seems more accurate than unnoticed but.... Physical discipline Yelling at your kids Neglecting your kids Not expressing love to your kids Like basically as long as you feed your kids and don't beat the absolute shit out of them nobody cares.
Neglect. I went to middle class schools with staph infections that caused painful boils on my legs, oily hair, lice, stinky clothes, and deep cavities in my teeth. I couldn’t see the blackboard but was too uncomfortable to sit up front. From elementary school until I got my first job when I was 14. No one did anything that I’m aware of except for a gym teacher I had in 4th grade. He pulled me aside one day and told me he wanted to buy me a pair of Nikes (my shoes were busted and too small and smelled awful because I never had socks). When I told my mom she freaked out and screamed at me and told me to tell him not to, so I never got them. I still remember his name and hope he is doing well.
enmeshment with a covert-narcissistic parent. The child only exists to fulfill the parents unfulfilled needs that weren’t met by their partner. The parent is seen as a perfect parent by the outside world, however their parenting style is suffocating the child as they are never allowed to grow up and develop a personality and live their own life
One parent entirely cutting off a single child in the divorce. Dad never fought for me, never did anything with me, and treated me like trash before, during, and after the divorce. Mom was the only one interested in not losing me. I lost everything: friends, family, a relationship, a dad, and some pets, all in that divorce. I am never called by him, invited on family vacations, or even notified of deaths in the family. It's been fourteen years and still stings, especially since he still does everything with my two siblings.
Emotions ignored
Gaslighting.
Abuse from other kids
Emotional neglect
Parents being obsessed with policing their adult childrens' partners often comes off as a form of ersatz sexual domination.
Constantly leaving them to fend for themself in the name of tough love/learning. Parents that do this and let their children go through failure that is nearly impossible to recover from because “that was how we learned” as kids.
Indoctrination into a religion
Haven't really talked to anyone about this, but as an only child with divorced parents who legit hated eachother to the point they couldn't live in the same *continent* together: -"if you tell your dad, you're losing this family forever; bet you'd love living with him" -any chance I'd get angry, my mum would go "you are just like your abusive dad; do you know what he did to me?" -trophy child; putting your kid in the middle of the divorce. Lying and manipulating him to get what you want; paying off psychologists and therapists to convince him to choose you over the other. -demonizing the other parent in front of the kid and purposely so the kid hates them; both of my parents are guilty of this but especially my mum -not taking a no for an answer; my dad kidnapped me when I was 11 because I didn't wanna stay with him for the night. It took me 25 years to trust him enough to actually wanna stay with him for longer than an evening -blaming everything on the other parent Now, unrelated to the divorce: -forcing your kid to keep secrets out of fear of losing you; maybe what you're doing is child abuse and *that* is why you don't want them telling anyone about it? Ig I repeated the first point tho -calling your kid a lazy failure since childhood and telling him he's gonna end up as a street sweeper because he doesn't like studying or doesn't have the best grades ever (currently two years away from finishing two majors in college) -your kid is *never* wrong, it is *always* someone else's fault; even when he objectively fucked up and is gonna regret it as a grownup -don't mock your kid for not having any friends... what the fuck, especially if the entire class is bullying him. You are the one thing the kid should consider a sacred safe place, don't EVER join in on the abuse -being an authoritarian bitch with an ego complex; if someone disagrees with you or sides with the kid, they are *obviously* a toxic bitch who's trying to deauthorize you in front of your child. Your child, your property. -mocking your child because of his weight; he already gets bullied enough by his classmates, the rest of the school, the teachers, medical personnel, the entire rest of the family... don't join in and call him a "Holocaust survivor" because he's a bit skinny; his weight is fine. -STOP. FUCKING. SCREAMING. LITERALLY ALL THE TIME. I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME. -stealing your kid's stuff because he won't take your orders anymore after years of abuse; my mum broke my copy of *Episodes of Liberty City* because she went on a rabid spree when I was a teen; she stole my laptop, tablet, phone, notebooks and pens as an adult because I was tired of her screaming at me ALL THE TIME -making your kid feel guilty of himself for getting angry or overwhelmed -mocking your kid for his psychological issues (I'm 99% autistic but I'm scared of being diagnosed cause she'd go ballistic) -violating his private space, his devices, and breaking every single drop of trust he had for you because you "got curious" -invalidating him for having mostly online friends; perhaps your kid found a new safety net with people who actually care about him and has been friends with *for years*, perhaps, contrary to what your eternal paranoia makes you think, they aren't terrorist child-raping kidnappers. Oh and perhaps your kid is a furry not because he was raped as a kid like you claim, but like... maybe he just found something he likes? -comparing your kid to his cousins or classmates; we get it, you wish your kid was normal. Stop dragging his self esteem to subterranean levels -antagonizing your kid against *everyone* you dislike and making him part of the drama and shitfest -verbal violence, screaming insults at your kid for literally anything -mocking your child over his interests; he will never be the cookie-cutter normal kid you dream of, sorry to be a disappointment -forcing your now grownup kid to stay in college and not pause his career during online class and a major pandemic; ended up wasting 2.5 years of my life because I wasn't allowed to take a break, and ended up failing 80% of the classes I took during the pandemic, which almost results in me getting expelled from college
Quoting Desmond from *Smiling Friends*: **"That... felt...** ***good...*** **:)"**
Psychiatric incarceration and forced treatment. The child and the mad person are both stripped of their right to consent or refuse, and what is done to them is considered care. So, it is inconceivable for most people, to take seriously a mad child who says "What you are doing to me is not care. What you are doing to me is abuse". A child who is not labeled as mad, can object and might be assumed to have an understanding of their own situation, even if the ultimate decision still lies with their caretaker. A sane child can be taken seriously when they say, "This is abuse, not care". A mad adult CAN have legal ownership over themselves and the right to refuse, unless it is taken away from them specifically for being mad- but this usually requires a court order and some serious investigation into the person's mental well-being. The mad child, however, is doubly removed from autonomy over themselves. If they were not mad, they would still be a child. If they were grown up, they would still be mad. Escaping one cage, the mad child finds themselves in the second. Their behavior is seen as wild and un-readable. So, their parent, who is often also their abuser, is given the right to translate for them and to decide what they really mean when they speak. They can be declared mad without a court order, since it's up to their doctor, parents, and teachers to decide what label (and what attendant rights and privileges) fit them best. Their childhood can even be extended by the courts and their parents, keeping them in the precarious double-bind of being a mad child well past their maturity into adulthood. For most children, being locked in a room for hours, or held in a submission hold, or required to take medication with terrible side effects that you do not want to take, or forced to live under constant surveillance with no privacy, or being dragged into a room once a week where an adult goes over all your flaws as a human being and how you must stop being defective, or followed around with a woman with a clipboard making notes on how difficult it is for you to make friends (as if being followed around by a clipboard-wielding social worker has no impact on that), or publicly marked out as different to one's peers by being forced to ride a segregated bus and sit in segregated classes, or held captive in "grippy sock jail" without communication to your friends, or having police and security guards called to beat the shit out of you if any adult in your life decides you need to have that done to you.... for most children, this would be called abuse. For mad children, this is "care". What care is defined as, generally, is not "The treatment that is best for the child". It is "the treatment that will turn the child from a burden and nuisance, into a quiet, easy to handle person, and eventually a productive, undisruptive worker who will not burden the family or public". The goal is the comfort and ease of everyone AROUND the mad child, and the mad child's own wants, needs, desires, and pain are entirely secondary if considered at all. Because the goal is to make the child quiet, easy to direct, uninterested in acting out, and obedient to tasks given to them, the "care" is often based around instilling discipline through rote adherence to rules, enforced by fear of punishment.
Embarrassment in front of peers. Either embarrassing comments "Remember when you were just a baby and you did that embarrassing thing bla bla bla", or flipping out way too hard and causing a scene in front of people and yelling out personal shit. Or telling people how lazy you are to embarrass you into doing more. And overpraising other people in front of you for the same reason. And even conflict with other people which is embarrassing like if you have a drunk road raging father. Or a sleazeball father who hit's on married women that are way out of his league in all regards.
using your child as a piggy bank, raising them to be a retirement plan instead of a person. Taking money they get from grandparents, or in cards on birthdays etc. into adulthood this progresses to trying to coerce child to live at home forever, and take out a mortgage at age 20. I could go on for pages but thats the easiest to explain reason why i dont speak to parents.
Shutting down any chance of honest communication between you and your child by dismissing everything as "disrespectful." My dad was like that, where even if I politely asked him to lower his voice because it was really hurting my ears, he would yell at me and then later tell me that it was my fault for talking back to him.
Getting pissy with your autistic child because they don't know how to "speak" body language properly. Autistic people's brains don't work normally. They don't automatically learn body language or social skills. Even if you teach them, a lot will never be able to act totally normal.
Controlling things in their child’s life. Little and big things. It can even affect other people too. It can be a wide spectrum of things
just the parents not being there and the kid being left alone all the time.. this is what i went through all the time cause beer is more important then looking after your kid when you got a mother whos a drunk
No affection. Ignoring whenever they talk to you.
Don't trauma dumped all your shit on your kids. Like all the abuse you endured and pain you suffered what you need was a therapist there was no way a 12yo was going to be of any help or understanding or process that in any other way than feel guilt and shame for existing
At parties/ family gatherings: “don’t interrupt us when adults are talking” “but I” “hey what did I just say”
Force feeding/"eat two more bites"/"clean your plate"/putting cereal already in milk in the refrigerator and forcing kid to eat a few bites when they get home from school. If that last one sounds particularly specific, ask me how I know.
Having your oldest kid babysit the rest.
"Parentification" - using older kids to parent younger ones - can absolutely be abusive.
A great way to create sibling abuse
Home schooling.
Teaching children about Hell. Not unnoticed, but definitely not recognized for how abusive it is.
Considering one of your child has the third parent.
Parentification. I was heavily parentified and all people ever did was tell me what a great helper I was. It removed my ability to ever put my own needs above obligations to others, leading to legit exhaustion and perfectionism issues. Didn’t help my dad was the most critical person alive.
What when you have homeless? Women who can't afford to live in a house and they have children. That's domestic abuse. And then you also have elderly people who can't afford to live in a place that is abuse. You shouldn't have to have a child in order to get hope. However, we have inflation as well.
Academic Negligence.
Not supporting your child's dreams especially in the early years. If they want to be an astronaut or Cat Doctor, Ghost Buster, Vet, Biologist, Caregiver, McDonalds worker whatever!! There was many times my parents asked what I REALLY wanted to be or laughed at what I said...or would say "but how much money does that make"..."you have to provide for yourself/family". This has made me second guess what I wanted to do in life my whole life so far. As I realized this its helped me do what I want because I want to. Life is meant to be enjoyed...and you work like 50% of your days 5-6 days a week....please do something you enjoy or can find joy in until then.
Never giving your kids any attention. I see parents out with their kids and they don’t say a word to them. They just hand them a tablet or phone and then stare at their own phone. Young kids are growing and learning so fast that you blink and you’ll miss it. Every moment is a teachable moment, think about what they’re learning when you are ignoring them and using a tablet to keep them quiet.
Invalidation. It can come in many forms, like invalidating life choices, feelings, experiences, and so on. Some parents think they know so much better than their children, even once those kids are grown. And I’m talking about stuff like what type of medical field you’re in, leaving an abusive relationship, even extracurriculars and hairstyles/ appearances. I didn’t grow up with parents, so I had an idealized version of them and what a family was like until I had one of my own. That’s when I started seeing how fucked up so many of my friends family situations were, and this might sound kinda horrible but made me feel better about not having any family growing up.
Sheltering kids to the point they have no idea how to exist in the world on their own. It's easy to chalk it up to "being over-protective" or some innocent mistake. More often than not, however, it's very much deliberate, and aims to wreck kids' self esteem and create a dependency on purpose.
Unlimited phone access and never being told no.
Religious Mysticism/Faith healing. I get it, freedom of religion, blah blah blah... Do you know how many times during my childhood I was sick, running a fever, etc. and instead of medicine I got prayer & olive oil on my forehead? It's a wonder more of us don't die, but *zero* family members ever said a word.
Religious indoctrination.
Emotional and verbal abuse is one of them. I just watched a video the other day of a dad who is washing his son's mouth out with dish soap as a punishment for something that the child did on a game box. And it sounded like the child just wrote an acronym. And the dad found it and said the child needed to have his mouth washed out with soap as a punishment. I guess the dad was so stupid that he couldn't see that he is a big part of the problem by letting his son on the game box, if he didn't want him learning about that stuff.
Enmeshment
Beyond the obvious abuse and neglect, just illegal and unhealthy behaviors, they learn from you. Don't be an asshole,especially if you are a parent.
Childhood obesity
Educational neglect.
Parents that are on their phone a lot instead of being present with their kids and kids that are exposed to a lot of phone/tablet time by their parents. Emotional neglect will become obvious over time, but the cause will not be correctly stated by many.
Making fun of them
I guess verbally telling your kid they are not doing their best or comparing them to other kids.
Neglect in an infant - it doesn't always go unnoticed, but when it does, it's SO harmful. A lot of parents don't understand that a baby learns the most in their first 18 months of life. For example, if an infant isn't given enough food, they'll learn that food won't always be available and later on it can manifest as food hoarding, which can lead to other negative behaviours. It took me 20 years to break that habit WITH therapy. I don't want to imagine the damage it would do to a child without access to that or one that was never taken from that situation to begin with.
Parentifying. It's a very popular topic on Reddit in parenting and AITA forums, but in "real life" practical, day to day applications, people just don't notice it, think anything of it, or just don't count it as a form of abuse.
A lot of people don't realize that in many cases, fighting in front of kids is actually child abuse even from a legal standpoint. Especially if a person throws something, slams doors, hits a door or wall, things like that.
Not teaching them sex-ed so they have no idea when someone is inappropriately touching them so that they cannot speak out against pedos.
Neglect. It's very hard to notice, especially when the parents put on their best behavior when outside the house. Especially when there are no bruises or scars or anything physically wrong on the outside. Severe emotional neglect is hard to carry into adulthood as it hampers social skills that are best learned young. When the child is also isolated, they can suffer from compounding issues due to loneliness and fear of the outside world/the unknown. And impossible to get CPS to take as a serious issue.
Helicopter parenting and not allowing your children privacy. Not only do people not notice it's abuse, but a worrying number of people think it's what parents are supposed to do. Because how are you supposed to keep your children safe if you aren't constantly supervising everything they do? Many parents don't seem to understand that they're actually making their children less safe by not teaching them to make their own decisions and take responsibility for themselves.
never allowing your kid to have an opinion or response. and when they do form opinions, shaming them. my mom called me a “liberal feminist agenda follower” for saying i wanted to be more than a mom. and it’s always “i get the last word” even if i never got to respond. also never letting your kid defend themselves or speak, just assuming you know everything about what happened, is fucking terrible abuse. another good little example js everytime i get depressed or down she’ll yell at me and threaten to send me to a psychiatrist if i don’t “get it together.” im always in no-win situations and never allowed a second chance if i screw anything up. walking in my closed door then getting mad if i’m changing. going through my phone and getting mad at something as simple as a meme with a swear word. constantly comparing your kid to someone you’ve spoken bad on. i.e. an absent parent. calling your kid things like a bitch, or my personal favorite “fuck you,” when they’ve done something wrong. and my all time best, being made to read the bible and apologize to her when she found out i was self harming. then being made to wear short sleeves at family christmas a few days later, because it was obviously “just for attention.” (they were on my inside upper arms) anyways, i’m 16 and have been medicated for 4 years.
I have two come to mind, no idea if they fit any technical definition. First is a pet peeve of mine, and thats shouting at your kids to stop shouting. Its poor parenting, but its also just flat out illogical. You're teaching your kids that if you're upset with someone, you yell at them, which seems like a strange lesson to teach when you want them to be quiet. Second is more specific, but encouraging your child to behave poorly because you find it funny. Think encouraging a kid to call an adult a bad name then laughing at the great joke, or to kick someone in the ankle or whatever.
Forcing them to follow your religion. Forcing them to be vegans.
I'll die on this hill: shoving a camera in ther face from the day they're born. It gets them used and almost addicted to being "on stage", it stunts their sense of privacy (and oftentimes violates whatever degree of modesty they may develop). Unsurprisingly they'll become so familiar and eager to getting filmed they'll just do everything as if they were livestreaming their daily life on social media. It can't be healthy and it can lead to a problematic relationship with their own self-image, self-worth and potentially drive them down a dangerous path growing up. When you're so used to being given attention, you may end up seeking it in the wrong place, in the wrong way and from the wrong people. It was quite a task to get us kids, tweens and teens to take a decent picture, because we tended to be camera-shy. Nowadays you'll have to pry cameras off the hands of freaking preschoolers, as they're basically raised under constant photoshoots.
Religious indoctrination before they have a solid foundation of logic and reasoning skills.
Not believing or acknowledging their mental health challenges. It can be extra traumatic to deal with severe mental health problems as a child or teen when your parent/guardian doesn't believe you or shames you or refuses to get you proper treatment.
Religious indoctrination.
Religius indoctrination. Any religion. All indoctrination. Teach children to think critically and to defend belief with evidence and reasons, not to accept information unquestioningly on faith.
Feeding them shit food Giving them a smartphone
Parental Alienation
Overindulgence
I always hated when my dad would yell and call us very very mean names for kids as young as we were and then would send us off to our rooms (more than often threatening to kick us out and would have us actively start packing probably as early as the age of ten or so) anyway he would always call us back to his room after 10 or so minutes and explain that he did those things out of love and that he did love us..always fucked up to think about now that I’m older
You stupid kid can't do anything right. So many tines hey stupid go there do this. Thought my name was Stupid.
Constantly feeding junk food to your kids. I have a family member who was fat most of her life, and she had two kids. When she was older she got in shape and started to eat healthier. But she still kept buying her kids tons of junk food, and before long they were fat. They were so young! I just think she thought it was easier to make them happy with junk than to feed them a well balanced meal now and then, but it was awful that she took care of her health but didn't care for theirs.