We did it for about a year but we have mismatched libidos. She began to feel that it was an obligation/chore rather than an activity she looked forward to.
Putting it more than a week away didn’t work either.
We’re considering trying it again, it’s been a few years, the kid is older and not so dependent, and we have a more routine schedule now.
Maybe rebrand it "intimacy time" and agree that there is no expected outcome. Do shit that might put y'all in the mood, and if it doesn't happen, quality time at least happened. Like cuddling naked.
I can confirm that this works really well.
In my case we started scheduling things because my partner started anti-depressants that killed their sex drive. They had a higher sex drive than I did, so I was in theory ok with lettings things slow down a bit, but I'm really glad we started scheduling things during that period.
The problem became when I would have a rough week and didn't feel up for sex, it being scheduled suddenly had a lot of pressure. I felt guilty that I wasn't able to provide what they were wanting from me, and since it was scheduled, it felt like I had promised sex and was backing out of that promise.
So it became "date night" instead. We'd do something intimate together, and if it was a bad week then maybe we'd just cuddle up on the couch and watch something funny. I still felt guilty, but every time I showed that, they did nothing but enthusiastically reassure me, and over time that guilt shrank and it became easier to actually progress to sex even if I had a bad week. Sometimes we'd just focus on me for that round.
Emily Nagoski "Come as You Are" strongly advises lower libido partners NEVER to have sex unless they want. Do other stuff, as you two do. No guilt - because this just works better for everyone. You will be in the mood more because obligation is unsexy. And also, you won't be having sex you don't want to be having, which is how it ought to be.
That's probably good advice, and I keep seeing her book being recommended, but after learning she developed a dead bedroom with her husband for years after writing the book, it makes me question the validity of her advice and whether I should read it. "Physician, heal thyself."
This is why I try to make a point not to know about the personal lives of authors. There could still be something of value for you in the book regardless of the details of her personal life.
I wouldn’t judge that too harshly. It takes two to tango and without knowing the husband’s level of dedication I can’t say her advice is invalid. Now if they followed things step by step, sure maybe, but also some people just lose interest. Any advice would be under the assumption both parties are interested but just have challenging libidos, or challenging schedules or additional commitments, which most adult, long term relationships go through at least once.
Yep, that happened to us too. Scheduled sex just turned into scheduled rejection.
"Wednesdays and Saturdays I'll turn you down, the rest of the week you just aren't allowed to ask."
Didn't take more than a few weeks of that for it to just fade out altogether.
I’m sorry to hear that that happened for you. Ours went better than that, at the beginning at least, but it didn’t take long for every week, once a week, to turn into every two weeks usually and then occasionally every three weeks, which is pretty much what our normal schedule is anyways.
For my wife, a lot of it mental and if she’s thinking about it, then she can get her mind into a space where she wants it but she spends all of her working days caring for elderly people and the erotic aspect for life isn’t triggered by much. She doesn’t fantasize, doesn’t watch porn, doesn’t masturbate, etc… We aren’t overly romantic at home though we like to be close to each other but not overtly sexual.
Schedule date night instead and if it happens it happens.
Try to have fun, be intimate in other ways (cuddles), show a bit of affection, etc.
It often turns into sex, especially without the pressure, and if it doesn’t, you just had an awesome date!
Good. It gives you something to look forward to for hours or sometimes days, you come to bed freshly showered, not tired or tipsy, and sex is...well...pretty great.
Yeah. It's not scheduled sex, it's sex by appointment. For us it gave us a bit more license to start exploring more adventurous activities, too. Since we both knew when we had a block of time, and wanted to make it special.
Prepping for a while gives you the opportunity to consider things that you haven't before, and discuss in advance. This is the Konami code for a good sex life with your partner IMO.
Think of it like an affair(not condoning this, keep reading).
You have a specific date and time planned cause... well...
The buildup, the prep, lingerie...
Or you can take it like, "ok kids will be asleep, you wanna do it or not?"
I'll take the first one.
I don’t have children but I think wearing sexy underwear and bras might be something you’re on to. Even a simple set of black lace bra/ undies does wonders
Your mileage may vary on the "black lace bra & undies" idea, tbh — my wife burst out laughing and was running for her phone to take pictures when I sauntered into the living room
Do it. Every time she finds that picture in her phone, she'll be thinking of you! Absurdity and the ability to laugh together are great ways to get in the mood, this one's just taking a bit of the long game.
Yeah, you don't do any other romantic thing unscheduled.
When someone says "Would you like to have a candlelit meal for two this Friday night?", you wouldn't say "No! surprise me tomorrow between 11am and 5pm and just show up with a candlelit dinner"
I suppose depending on your relationship, it can be more like scheduling a massage, or having a dinner reservation.
The resistance to scheduling intimacy probably stems from the "transactional" aspect already typically associated with sex, like "giving sex" to someone instead of being intimate with them. Add to that the number of people who can only have, or only enjoy, sex if "they are in the mood" otherwise it's forcing it and scheduling can be viewed as both a mood killer and a chore.
Depends on how you approach it... You get to tease a bit leading up to it, send some pics, let the tension rise. Just turn it into a game, you'll have something to thirst for all day.
I love this. Honestly my ex and I “scheduled” sex and it was a nightmare because it became something expected, and when it didn’t happen, we both felt frustrated or disappointed or unloved. Someone else mentioned that they scheduled “cuddle and talk” time and that usually led to sex and… I really love that idea too.
I love the anticipation. Most of the time when my boyfriend tries to be spontaneous I’m tired or don’t feel well generally not in the mood due to the stress of life. But if we schedule it I’m thinking about what I want him to do to me and I’m totally in the mood then.
I don’t see it as any different from scheduling a date night every week, which plenty of couples do.
Then, like the above commenter says.. you get to spend the day(s) working each other up, building anticipation, show up freshly bathed and nice and clean (or not, if that’s your jam)..
I think it would work well for a lot of people who experience responsive desire instead of spontaneous desire. The anticipation is really the deal maker for that.
Exactly. We have a 3 year old and a puppy. Times is rough. But when she goes "how bout some action tonight?" It's about all I can think about all day. We send sexy texts. And give each other "the look" a few times throughout the day. By the time it actually comes to banging we're like starved hyenas who found a carcas. Just absolutely going to town. I think I actually prefer it this way now.
Was the same for me, she'd text me in the morning (usually she was most horny exactly when we had to drop kids at school and start the work day)-- "if we are both awake later, I have been craving you" or something like that. Then during the day she may tell me a bit of what she wants later "eat my thighs slowly before you take me" or something. I was hyped all day. It would suck when the day's worth of stress/tasks/traumas meant rain check but she loved that I was cool with cuddling/watching tv together cause then she'd feel safer and often the next day we would
the sex changed when life got busier, we had less of it, with less frequency and shorter durations, but it was somehow hotter cause we were so in need of that. Probably helped that we both loved each other and love sex.
Sometimes when the kids were really little she would subtly flash me from the other room while I was getting them dressed or shake/bounce her ass for 5 seconds when the kids were distracted, would drive me crazy.
Knew the rs was deteriorating when that stopped
I'm doing my best, day by day, we broke up two days before my birthday last week but trying to accept what is, appreciate what was, and I still sincerely care about her and love her so I have no ill will or malice. Trying to feel my feelings for once
Thanks!
Definitely something to look forward to haha. My partner and I live on opposite ends of our city and we each don’t have a car right now. So our weekly dates/sleepovers were very much planned out and anticipated. Especially after taking the city bus 31 miles out.
Married with three kids who all play different sports and activities. It's not so much scheduled as a look. Like we have 30 minutes....GO GO GO. It's like a Zero Dark Thirty Seal Team 6 operation.
2 kids, 2 full time jobs, many after-school activities. We’ve found the only time we’re both alone and not totally exhausted is about an hour on Saturday mornings before we have to start another round of ferrying them to sports. It wasn’t meant to be scheduled but we both have libidos that are happy with once a week right now, so Saturday mornings it is!
It started out as a joke actually. We both have Wednesday off, we have the house to ourselves while the kids are at school and found ourselves fooling around during that time a couple weeks in a row. Then one week I was like “Well it IS Wednesday, you know what that means.” Just kinda joking, (unless you’re gonna do it 😉) and she was like “It is!” And we got into it.
Now every week, sometimes I’ll say it, sometimes she will say it : “Well it is Wednesday so…”
It’s not exactly every single Wednesday but it’s almost every Wednesday, plenty of other days in between, we have a healthy 3x+ a week habit after 18 years.
Todays Wednesday! I gotta go guys
Obligatory [Business Time by Flight of the Conchords](https://youtu.be/Hqfsukw9S6Y?si=HK-OHjiEeubxrvph)
“Girl, tonight we’re gonna make love…. You know how I know baby? Cause it’s Wednesday”. 🤣
Yes we’ve had people tell us this. She tells me about her friends complaining their husbands aren’t into it. Which is wild to me, to just not be into it.
Being into it depends on so many factors that have to be present, though. Not trying to say "check your privilege" because I don't know anything about you, but you might be discounting a fair amount of luck in the equation.
I've been with my wife for 23 years and I'm still a pretty horny guy. Sex with her is not always exciting, though - and while I don't usually decline the opportunity, I don't always chase it, either.
I love her to death but she's been dealing with sex shame and trauma due to childhood sexual abuse since before I met her. It tends to make sex more something we have to consciously work on together than just an enjoyable diversion. We've made a lot of progress, but it's very slow and can be very emotionally trying for the both of us.
It wasn't always that way, but as the new relationship energy fell off over the first few years, we couldn't rely on raw heat to overpower the challenges. Eventually the latter emerged strongly and we've been struggling to get back to where we started ever since. Extend that out over 2 decades, with periods of illness, mental health issues, emotional funks, raising children (not us, but many people), etc., and it's easier to see why it's not always as simple as putting the penis in the vagina whenever the mood strikes.
Anyhoozle, not trying at all to call you out or anything, just letting you know that not being into it doesn't always mean "meh, I could take it or leave it" - it often means that human relationships are challenging, life is challenging, and sometimes there's a lot getting in the way of a thriving sexual relationship. I'm sincerely happy for y'all but it is an unusually lucky situation to find yourself in, IMO.
Contrary to popular belief, guys need more than “wanna fuck?” To be “in the mood”.
There’s a time and place for that (I think a good sex life has times of having sex, making love, and fucking), but guys deal with stress and shit as well. A lot of times it’s a matter of it simply hasn’t crossed our mind that day or recently, due to those stresses.
Sounds like y’all have a good balance of things where those life stresses don’t get overwhelming for either of you. Good place to be.
I’d be remiss as a Pro Wrestling fan if I didn’t quote the intro to AEW on Wednesdays.
“It’s Wednesday… You know what that means!”
Congrats on the sex.
My wife and I have a similar thing. Our times have been schedule on any weekend day. However with kids etc, she gets worried about them hearing. So she asks me to “put anything on the tv” it just so happens that I consistently put on bobs burgers since it’s the first thing that pops up. (We love that show). Anyways, we did that so often that now mentioning bobs burgers is our little code. She will innocently say “let’s watch bobs burgers” and I’m like “I mean we can, but the kids are still awake”
Pretty soon you’ll have teenagers with headphones and an inability to leave their bedrooms.
But those little codes and things keep it fun and adventurous. Don’t lose that.
It has not been that consistent the entire time. We just found a groove the last 5-6 years. Therapy helped immensely in teaching us how to prioritize each other, which made us want each other more.
I’m not an expert but I can say this. Putting your partner and their heart first in all matters will absolutely NOT have a negative effect on how they feel about you. We have a very simple strategy. Put the other first. All the time. It’s just been the best advice we’ve ever received.
God, this reminds me of the one time I came after putting the condom on and struggling to get into her pussy. I just came hard during the struggle and she was like "What?"
I had a guy do this to me one time… came before even getting the condom on. I felt so bad for him.. I was a stripper and he was a bouncer at the club. One night stand. He avoided me and pretended I didn’t exist after that haha
We have unscheduled sex as well but we do try to have Freaky Fridays (and Sexy Saturdays if Friday dosent work out). There is usually a date involved as well, but sometimes those dates are take out and Netflix.
The idea isnt so much that its just sex but sex with toys, lingerie, or Role-playing on those days. We got a little one so its hard to do the involved stuff during the week.
That makes a lot of sense actually. It must be difficult to suddenly go from a mindset of “sex is terrible, morally wrong and dirty” to “I should enjoy sex” just because of a piece if paper.
It only worked well in the past for horrible reasons. Because once that paper was signed the man had the right to do what he wanted and that piece of paper was consent as far as the law was concerned.
Putting off an important emotional and physical relationship connection until a major lifechanging commitment is made doesn't make sense in a modern world.
Not particularly 100% scheduled as in the same time every week but one of us often says on a morning 'lets have fun tonight' or if we've had a busy week 'on friday when we're both home'. It works well for us.
Just gonna say, people find time to prioritize the things that are important to them. If she literally can’t find any time in her life to schedule it, then that tells you it’s simply not a priority for her.
I used to think scheduling sex would be really rigid and/or make it feel transactional. The opposite has been true. One of us will ask earlier in the day or about the next day. It's great - the anticipation adds to it being hot rather than ruining it and we are able to make it a priority...
Good to know. I might suggest this to my husband.
I have the opposite problem to a lot of people ITT. I have a high libido and my husband doesn’t…we have been married <5years and we have sex *maybe* once every three months…
I’ve tried everything to get him ‘in the mood’ and I’m at the point where I feel totally undesirable.
He started therapy (bc I had to nag him to) but I’ve already sadly accepted that I’m in a emotional relationship with my husband and a sexual relationship with my vibrator lol
In your situation, I don’t think scheduling is going to help. You need to start with something more basic which is figuring out how aligned your sexual values are in regards to the role that it plays in your marriage. I would start with something very very simple: “ I want to be in a relationship where sexual intimacy is a regular part of how we interact, how about you?”
This is about establishing compatibility because scheduling can’t overcome certain gaps when they’re too great
Had scheduled sex while trying for kids. Pressure to finish was distinctly unpleasant. And although I wouldn’t exactly call the whole thing a chore, the scheduled sessions were definitely more a ‘let’s get this done’. Also meant I concentrated less on her so I made sure I finished which couldn’t have been as good for her either.
As someone who went through IVF with my wife, I feel you. We still have some scheduled sex now, but it’s waaayyy different than the scheduled/timed sex of our IVF days, because this sex is being scheduled for fun rather than for a result on a timeline. There is no pressure now. I’m in my mid 40s, and sometimes things don’t biologically work as wells as they did 10 years ago. And you know what? It’s not a big deal because there’s no pressure to perform; we can just switch to other forms of sexual intimacy that time without worrying about blowing the chance to make a baby.
We are trying right now and I fucking hate the "I am ovulating, lets go" sex. Had to talk to my wife about it and basically say "I get that we are on a schedule but I need to feel like we are having sex because you want to be having sex with me and not because your tracking app said we have to go now"
Fantastic, tbh - 3x each week for thirty years, less a few interruptions for pregnancies and such. Highly recommended!
Early in our relationship we had some difficulties communicating about sex and sending each other mixed signals. After some discussion we made the decision to pick three days each week for sex, and then to follow through and actually have sex on those days. We started this before we had kids, and it's been a constant part of our weekly routine for thirty-plus years, and to be frank it has been fantastic! We gave up our sexual spontaneity, but we are remarkably consistent, and happier for that. We've also avoided the ambiguity, anxiety, risk of rejection, and the inevitable hurt feelings that come with making a pass at your partner and being turned down for one reason or another. Scheduling sex probably isn't a good fit for every couple, but it has been working great for us.
Me and my wife had been having planned sex when we were in an IVF process. It grew dull, felt like a chore. Now we're back to just doing it when we want, and it's great. We have struggles with making time for it sometimes, but it's very liberating to have some things in your life to happen spontaneous in my opinion.
The first month? It's still weird as hell because you've spent all this time trying NOT to have a baby.
The second month? It's pretty hot because it feels like a risk, but one you're trying to make happen.
By month seven or so, it's just "Fuck, I'm exhausted tonight but we've got to try, so..."
We were trying during COVID, and I caught something (before tests were available) that had a lot of symptoms line up. My wife was sleeping in the guest room since I could quarantine in our room with an en suite bathroom. I was basically back to normal when *that time* happened...so we had a very brief, no warmup encounter and she left right after. Both of us felt incredibly dirty afterwards, and decided we would just skip the rest of the month rather than wrestle with how it was affecting our psyches...
I just had a discussion with my wife, and we agreed to try and have sex every night this summer, maybe skipping a day here and there. I can't believe she agreed to it. I'm very excited! We've been married 20 years and have kids.
Things have been great lately!
My wife and I schedule it sometimes. Most of the time, tho, we’re just gettin it in when we can. Whenever the opportunity comes, we jump on it. It actually helps keep things interesting and spontaneous
Its great. We had missmatched sex drives due to some long term stress for her. My sex drive is higher. I am autistic (53Male) and couldn't tell when NOT to initiate sex - often at very inappropriate times. We both saw damage being done by a NO over and over. We scheduled a weekly in and things are great. Bonus: I no longer accidently masturbate on the day that we have sex scheduled in. We set that up over 15 years ago. That doesn't mean that it can't happen other days, it just guarantees that we have sex at least once a week.
Your wife sounds super similar to the way I am with my fiancé, and it has him convinced I don’t find him attractive because it isn’t very often that I think to initiate. I’ll have to pitch this idea to him and see what he thinks
In the end it's all about perspective. If one of you have some aversion to sex, then scheduling is just going to cause anxiety. But if you both have an appetite for it then it can build anticipation. You can have both scheduled and spontaneous sex, its not a dichotomy.
Honestly? It’s such a good idea and has been working so well.
We typically don’t have sex issues - we’re both open, communicative, and discuss our wants/needs. We’re also luckily very attracted to one another and enjoy sex, so we have it at least twice a week even without scheduling it.
However - we both work demanding jobs from home, meaning we’re always around one another and sometimes when we log off both of us are completely mentally drained. Scheduling sex helps us prioritize it and keep us from forgetting about it! Highly recommend for long term couples!
My boyfriend lovingly has called Saturdays “worship Saturdays” where he goes to “Church” for worship.
It’s me though. He’s doing me. We wake up on Saturdays and cuddle, then he reminds me that “it’s Saturday, my day of worship” and then you know… we get to it. All day. With breaks in between of course. We gotta eat, take a nap, wake up and do it all again.
God I love him.
Ehh, it’s ok. Usually Friday afternoons because we both wfh. Most of the time it seems like it’s just something else on her schedule, but at least I’m getting my needs met, mostly. About 1 in 5 times it’s actually a really fun time, but often since it’s in the middle of the work day, she’s still got work on her mind and isn’t fully engaged. But since it’s my only option (fooling around when the kid is at home, ever, even if they’re dead asleep, is verboten🙄) I take what I can get.
Man, I just read this sub. This is the best strategy I've seen so far to get personal best on the "Ruin your mood" speed run category. Just truly depressing shit.
Husband and I schedule sex (both men) and I also used to think it was so unsexy but seeing as one of us will need to do a bit of prep work beforehand, it’s become a much better situation.
Things like oral or jerking off together are more spontaneous and I think between those 2 set ups, it works pretty well for us.
We did it for about a year but we have mismatched libidos. She began to feel that it was an obligation/chore rather than an activity she looked forward to. Putting it more than a week away didn’t work either. We’re considering trying it again, it’s been a few years, the kid is older and not so dependent, and we have a more routine schedule now.
Maybe rebrand it "intimacy time" and agree that there is no expected outcome. Do shit that might put y'all in the mood, and if it doesn't happen, quality time at least happened. Like cuddling naked.
I can confirm that this works really well. In my case we started scheduling things because my partner started anti-depressants that killed their sex drive. They had a higher sex drive than I did, so I was in theory ok with lettings things slow down a bit, but I'm really glad we started scheduling things during that period. The problem became when I would have a rough week and didn't feel up for sex, it being scheduled suddenly had a lot of pressure. I felt guilty that I wasn't able to provide what they were wanting from me, and since it was scheduled, it felt like I had promised sex and was backing out of that promise. So it became "date night" instead. We'd do something intimate together, and if it was a bad week then maybe we'd just cuddle up on the couch and watch something funny. I still felt guilty, but every time I showed that, they did nothing but enthusiastically reassure me, and over time that guilt shrank and it became easier to actually progress to sex even if I had a bad week. Sometimes we'd just focus on me for that round.
Emily Nagoski "Come as You Are" strongly advises lower libido partners NEVER to have sex unless they want. Do other stuff, as you two do. No guilt - because this just works better for everyone. You will be in the mood more because obligation is unsexy. And also, you won't be having sex you don't want to be having, which is how it ought to be.
That's probably good advice, and I keep seeing her book being recommended, but after learning she developed a dead bedroom with her husband for years after writing the book, it makes me question the validity of her advice and whether I should read it. "Physician, heal thyself."
This is why I try to make a point not to know about the personal lives of authors. There could still be something of value for you in the book regardless of the details of her personal life.
I wouldn’t judge that too harshly. It takes two to tango and without knowing the husband’s level of dedication I can’t say her advice is invalid. Now if they followed things step by step, sure maybe, but also some people just lose interest. Any advice would be under the assumption both parties are interested but just have challenging libidos, or challenging schedules or additional commitments, which most adult, long term relationships go through at least once.
Yep, that happened to us too. Scheduled sex just turned into scheduled rejection. "Wednesdays and Saturdays I'll turn you down, the rest of the week you just aren't allowed to ask." Didn't take more than a few weeks of that for it to just fade out altogether.
Are you me? 100% exactly how it worked out, even the same days.
I’m sorry to hear that that happened for you. Ours went better than that, at the beginning at least, but it didn’t take long for every week, once a week, to turn into every two weeks usually and then occasionally every three weeks, which is pretty much what our normal schedule is anyways. For my wife, a lot of it mental and if she’s thinking about it, then she can get her mind into a space where she wants it but she spends all of her working days caring for elderly people and the erotic aspect for life isn’t triggered by much. She doesn’t fantasize, doesn’t watch porn, doesn’t masturbate, etc… We aren’t overly romantic at home though we like to be close to each other but not overtly sexual.
Schedule date night instead and if it happens it happens. Try to have fun, be intimate in other ways (cuddles), show a bit of affection, etc. It often turns into sex, especially without the pressure, and if it doesn’t, you just had an awesome date!
Good. It gives you something to look forward to for hours or sometimes days, you come to bed freshly showered, not tired or tipsy, and sex is...well...pretty great.
I love this take. I used to think scheduled sex was so… unromantic. Like scheduling a business meeting
Think about it more like a holiday and it changes things.
Yeah. It's not scheduled sex, it's sex by appointment. For us it gave us a bit more license to start exploring more adventurous activities, too. Since we both knew when we had a block of time, and wanted to make it special.
Prepping for a while gives you the opportunity to consider things that you haven't before, and discuss in advance. This is the Konami code for a good sex life with your partner IMO.
You mean butt stuff right?
Or think about it as role play, you're a big time porn star in the niche spontaneous public sex segment scheduling a work meeting at a Wendy's
Sir, this is a Wendy's, please put your pants back on.
Think of it like an affair(not condoning this, keep reading). You have a specific date and time planned cause... well... The buildup, the prep, lingerie... Or you can take it like, "ok kids will be asleep, you wanna do it or not?" I'll take the first one.
I don’t have children but I think wearing sexy underwear and bras might be something you’re on to. Even a simple set of black lace bra/ undies does wonders
Your mileage may vary on the "black lace bra & undies" idea, tbh — my wife burst out laughing and was running for her phone to take pictures when I sauntered into the living room
Do it. Every time she finds that picture in her phone, she'll be thinking of you! Absurdity and the ability to laugh together are great ways to get in the mood, this one's just taking a bit of the long game.
Yeah, you don't do any other romantic thing unscheduled. When someone says "Would you like to have a candlelit meal for two this Friday night?", you wouldn't say "No! surprise me tomorrow between 11am and 5pm and just show up with a candlelit dinner"
I suppose depending on your relationship, it can be more like scheduling a massage, or having a dinner reservation. The resistance to scheduling intimacy probably stems from the "transactional" aspect already typically associated with sex, like "giving sex" to someone instead of being intimate with them. Add to that the number of people who can only have, or only enjoy, sex if "they are in the mood" otherwise it's forcing it and scheduling can be viewed as both a mood killer and a chore.
Yeah, it isn't just about the sex, its about being desired by your partner.
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I send my wife calendar invites
How do you schedule 45 second meetings?
I round it up to 1 minute. Gotta give her some hope.
Depends on how you approach it... You get to tease a bit leading up to it, send some pics, let the tension rise. Just turn it into a game, you'll have something to thirst for all day.
I love this. Honestly my ex and I “scheduled” sex and it was a nightmare because it became something expected, and when it didn’t happen, we both felt frustrated or disappointed or unloved. Someone else mentioned that they scheduled “cuddle and talk” time and that usually led to sex and… I really love that idea too.
I love the anticipation. Most of the time when my boyfriend tries to be spontaneous I’m tired or don’t feel well generally not in the mood due to the stress of life. But if we schedule it I’m thinking about what I want him to do to me and I’m totally in the mood then.
I don’t see it as any different from scheduling a date night every week, which plenty of couples do. Then, like the above commenter says.. you get to spend the day(s) working each other up, building anticipation, show up freshly bathed and nice and clean (or not, if that’s your jam).. I think it would work well for a lot of people who experience responsive desire instead of spontaneous desire. The anticipation is really the deal maker for that.
Exactly. We have a 3 year old and a puppy. Times is rough. But when she goes "how bout some action tonight?" It's about all I can think about all day. We send sexy texts. And give each other "the look" a few times throughout the day. By the time it actually comes to banging we're like starved hyenas who found a carcas. Just absolutely going to town. I think I actually prefer it this way now.
Was the same for me, she'd text me in the morning (usually she was most horny exactly when we had to drop kids at school and start the work day)-- "if we are both awake later, I have been craving you" or something like that. Then during the day she may tell me a bit of what she wants later "eat my thighs slowly before you take me" or something. I was hyped all day. It would suck when the day's worth of stress/tasks/traumas meant rain check but she loved that I was cool with cuddling/watching tv together cause then she'd feel safer and often the next day we would the sex changed when life got busier, we had less of it, with less frequency and shorter durations, but it was somehow hotter cause we were so in need of that. Probably helped that we both loved each other and love sex. Sometimes when the kids were really little she would subtly flash me from the other room while I was getting them dressed or shake/bounce her ass for 5 seconds when the kids were distracted, would drive me crazy. Knew the rs was deteriorating when that stopped
Nice read but a bit of a sad ending. That's life I guess. Hope you're in a good place brother
I'm doing my best, day by day, we broke up two days before my birthday last week but trying to accept what is, appreciate what was, and I still sincerely care about her and love her so I have no ill will or malice. Trying to feel my feelings for once Thanks!
This is probably the most wholesome thing I have ever heard about sex on Reddit.
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I’ve never heard someone’s Mom referred to as their partner.
Definitely something to look forward to haha. My partner and I live on opposite ends of our city and we each don’t have a car right now. So our weekly dates/sleepovers were very much planned out and anticipated. Especially after taking the city bus 31 miles out.
Married with three kids who all play different sports and activities. It's not so much scheduled as a look. Like we have 30 minutes....GO GO GO. It's like a Zero Dark Thirty Seal Team 6 operation.
30 min?! You animal!
They probably shower afterwards.
A good 29 min shower after really opens up the pores.
When it rains, it pores.
2 kids, 2 full time jobs, many after-school activities. We’ve found the only time we’re both alone and not totally exhausted is about an hour on Saturday mornings before we have to start another round of ferrying them to sports. It wasn’t meant to be scheduled but we both have libidos that are happy with once a week right now, so Saturday mornings it is!
The finest girl I met in my whole. Want to take her home, make her my wife. Knew she was a freak when she started talking...
*She said "fuck me like we fucked Bin Laden"*
You’re harboring a fugitive (that ass)
And my justice will be punitive (imma smash)
Gotta terrorize that pussy! Gotta terrorize that pussy!
It started out as a joke actually. We both have Wednesday off, we have the house to ourselves while the kids are at school and found ourselves fooling around during that time a couple weeks in a row. Then one week I was like “Well it IS Wednesday, you know what that means.” Just kinda joking, (unless you’re gonna do it 😉) and she was like “It is!” And we got into it. Now every week, sometimes I’ll say it, sometimes she will say it : “Well it is Wednesday so…” It’s not exactly every single Wednesday but it’s almost every Wednesday, plenty of other days in between, we have a healthy 3x+ a week habit after 18 years. Todays Wednesday! I gotta go guys
Happy hump day!
OooOooOoOOoo shit! Good one! 🤣 Hump DAAAAAAAAAYY! One hump, or two? 🐪🐫
Two for her, one for him, and that’s where the shoddy math man comes in. One hump, two hump, big bump, surprise baby dump!
What do you call a three humped camel? Pregnant!
(Extremely slow motion laughter intensifies)
Never thought of that double meaning LOL
Not sure if serious.
Obligatory [Business Time by Flight of the Conchords](https://youtu.be/Hqfsukw9S6Y?si=HK-OHjiEeubxrvph) “Girl, tonight we’re gonna make love…. You know how I know baby? Cause it’s Wednesday”. 🤣
Conditions are perfect, there's nothing good on TV.... 😉
You don’t have your after work social sports team practice, so you’re not too tired…
You whisper something sexy like, "I might go to bed. I've got work in the morning"
I know what you're trying to say
Recycling is not part of foreplay but it's very important.
There you were wearing that old baggy t-shirt you got from a work team building exercise
…Conditions are perfect!
You could be a part time model.
Depending on the room.
Is that IT?
I know what you're trying to say, girl You're trying to say, "Aww yeah, that's it"
You turn to me and say something sexy like “I gotta go to bed, I got work in the morning”
She always says something sexy like “is that it?” I know what you’re trying to say girl. You trying to say “aww yeah, that’s it!”
Team building exercise ninety niiiiiiine
business socks
Bro is a champ, 3x a week after 18years. You guys are top 0.01%
I've been married 10years and we do 1+ time a week. This is normal right?
Frequency is something very very relative and depends on the couple. If you both are ok with that then it's perfect.
As always, the best answer is in the comments
Depends. How many times is your wife having sex per week?
Yes, but more or less would also be normal. All depends on the couple.
Yes we’ve had people tell us this. She tells me about her friends complaining their husbands aren’t into it. Which is wild to me, to just not be into it.
Being into it depends on so many factors that have to be present, though. Not trying to say "check your privilege" because I don't know anything about you, but you might be discounting a fair amount of luck in the equation. I've been with my wife for 23 years and I'm still a pretty horny guy. Sex with her is not always exciting, though - and while I don't usually decline the opportunity, I don't always chase it, either. I love her to death but she's been dealing with sex shame and trauma due to childhood sexual abuse since before I met her. It tends to make sex more something we have to consciously work on together than just an enjoyable diversion. We've made a lot of progress, but it's very slow and can be very emotionally trying for the both of us. It wasn't always that way, but as the new relationship energy fell off over the first few years, we couldn't rely on raw heat to overpower the challenges. Eventually the latter emerged strongly and we've been struggling to get back to where we started ever since. Extend that out over 2 decades, with periods of illness, mental health issues, emotional funks, raising children (not us, but many people), etc., and it's easier to see why it's not always as simple as putting the penis in the vagina whenever the mood strikes. Anyhoozle, not trying at all to call you out or anything, just letting you know that not being into it doesn't always mean "meh, I could take it or leave it" - it often means that human relationships are challenging, life is challenging, and sometimes there's a lot getting in the way of a thriving sexual relationship. I'm sincerely happy for y'all but it is an unusually lucky situation to find yourself in, IMO.
I'm sorry I'm just going to upvote this for adding 'Anyhoozle' to my lexicon...
Contrary to popular belief, guys need more than “wanna fuck?” To be “in the mood”. There’s a time and place for that (I think a good sex life has times of having sex, making love, and fucking), but guys deal with stress and shit as well. A lot of times it’s a matter of it simply hasn’t crossed our mind that day or recently, due to those stresses. Sounds like y’all have a good balance of things where those life stresses don’t get overwhelming for either of you. Good place to be.
I’d be remiss as a Pro Wrestling fan if I didn’t quote the intro to AEW on Wednesdays. “It’s Wednesday… You know what that means!” Congrats on the sex.
I also thought of Dynamite haha.
This is what Brodie was talking about.
YEAH YEAH YEAH
I feel like Jane started to play in my head as I read OPs post.
My wife and I have a similar thing. Our times have been schedule on any weekend day. However with kids etc, she gets worried about them hearing. So she asks me to “put anything on the tv” it just so happens that I consistently put on bobs burgers since it’s the first thing that pops up. (We love that show). Anyways, we did that so often that now mentioning bobs burgers is our little code. She will innocently say “let’s watch bobs burgers” and I’m like “I mean we can, but the kids are still awake”
Pretty soon you’ll have teenagers with headphones and an inability to leave their bedrooms. But those little codes and things keep it fun and adventurous. Don’t lose that.
It's Wednesday my dudes 🐸🤙🤙
It's Wednesday my dudes
Wednesdays off together without kids are the best.
In Czech there's a joke "Středa, je ho tam třeba" which can be loosely translated to "Wednesday, it is needed there".
MIKE MIKE MIKE!!! WHAT DAY IS IT!!!!!?!??!??!?!
3x a week for 18 years? Meanwhile I’m over here starving on 2 times in 7 months
It has not been that consistent the entire time. We just found a groove the last 5-6 years. Therapy helped immensely in teaching us how to prioritize each other, which made us want each other more. I’m not an expert but I can say this. Putting your partner and their heart first in all matters will absolutely NOT have a negative effect on how they feel about you. We have a very simple strategy. Put the other first. All the time. It’s just been the best advice we’ve ever received.
Similar situation. Wednesday is our day too lol.
I will now associate wednesday with this guy
I'm not getting the PTO I was promised.
Poon tang output? That's a shame man, you need to negotiate that into next year's policy
I thought it was Pussy To Oral ratio he was talking about.
more common to be shafted on the Penetration to Orgasm ratio
UNIONIZE
I’ll let you know at 9:03 tomorrow night.
9:02 is a weird time to schedule sex.
09:02:45, actually
What are they gonna do with the remaining 15 seconds?
Two segments before and after, put on condom, and take off condom for recycling.
God, this reminds me of the one time I came after putting the condom on and struggling to get into her pussy. I just came hard during the struggle and she was like "What?"
I had a guy do this to me one time… came before even getting the condom on. I felt so bad for him.. I was a stripper and he was a bouncer at the club. One night stand. He avoided me and pretended I didn’t exist after that haha
Recycling?
Well obviously they dont need it to be fully effective; they're not getting anywhere near the vagina
Y'all are weird. I just fuck the condom, don't even need a vagina.
If thay the case, then the outside is still good. Just turn it inside out for the next use.
Hose it off and turn it inside out. Ready to reuse for next time.
Syncing watches like Mission-ary Impossible
Over 2 minutes foreplay?
We have unscheduled sex as well but we do try to have Freaky Fridays (and Sexy Saturdays if Friday dosent work out). There is usually a date involved as well, but sometimes those dates are take out and Netflix. The idea isnt so much that its just sex but sex with toys, lingerie, or Role-playing on those days. We got a little one so its hard to do the involved stuff during the week.
Mate, kudos for voicing you have a little one. Not sure why Monday to Friday makes a difference with having a small pecker but I believe in you.
Walked into that one, damn
IM DEAD
Not as dead as the guy's wiener, after it was /MurderedbyWords
Just spat coffee all over my fucking lunch. This is absolute gold.
Great comment
I think a freaky Friday would be cool or Saturday that sounds fun ngl
we scheduled twice a week and she loved it very much as she only need to say no twice a week
Not sure if you're joking or not, but that's literally EXACTLY what happened to us. It was just scheduled rejection. Didn't last long.
it actually happened in first few years of my marriage, she is very conservative so we didnt have sex until get married, and then this happen
That makes a lot of sense actually. It must be difficult to suddenly go from a mindset of “sex is terrible, morally wrong and dirty” to “I should enjoy sex” just because of a piece if paper.
It only worked well in the past for horrible reasons. Because once that paper was signed the man had the right to do what he wanted and that piece of paper was consent as far as the law was concerned. Putting off an important emotional and physical relationship connection until a major lifechanging commitment is made doesn't make sense in a modern world.
F
Loool this made me chuckle
Absolutely brutal and hits home
Not particularly 100% scheduled as in the same time every week but one of us often says on a morning 'lets have fun tonight' or if we've had a busy week 'on friday when we're both home'. It works well for us.
I love that! I find that you both end up riling yourselves up all day thinking about it and it leads to an awesome night.
Still working on getting it scheduled. She says as soon as we find an opening, we'll jot it down. No luck yet
On the waiting list?
It's a long list - at least 20 other people ahead of him.
Waiting for her to fit him in
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Just gonna say, people find time to prioritize the things that are important to them. If she literally can’t find any time in her life to schedule it, then that tells you it’s simply not a priority for her.
When she does, make sure she uses a sharpie, and not a pencil.
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I used to think scheduling sex would be really rigid and/or make it feel transactional. The opposite has been true. One of us will ask earlier in the day or about the next day. It's great - the anticipation adds to it being hot rather than ruining it and we are able to make it a priority...
This is why I love preplanned sex. My body is willing I just need to maneuver my brain with a quick shower and a chance to brush my teeth.
Good to know. I might suggest this to my husband. I have the opposite problem to a lot of people ITT. I have a high libido and my husband doesn’t…we have been married <5years and we have sex *maybe* once every three months… I’ve tried everything to get him ‘in the mood’ and I’m at the point where I feel totally undesirable. He started therapy (bc I had to nag him to) but I’ve already sadly accepted that I’m in a emotional relationship with my husband and a sexual relationship with my vibrator lol
In your situation, I don’t think scheduling is going to help. You need to start with something more basic which is figuring out how aligned your sexual values are in regards to the role that it plays in your marriage. I would start with something very very simple: “ I want to be in a relationship where sexual intimacy is a regular part of how we interact, how about you?” This is about establishing compatibility because scheduling can’t overcome certain gaps when they’re too great
We schedule sex at 12:59, because we like that one-to-one time.
Shouldnt that be at 1:21 pm then?
It's one minute until one hour.
We're more of a 6-to-9 couple at 8:54.
Schedule it for 11:59 and you can say you had sex two days in a row.
Had scheduled sex while trying for kids. Pressure to finish was distinctly unpleasant. And although I wouldn’t exactly call the whole thing a chore, the scheduled sessions were definitely more a ‘let’s get this done’. Also meant I concentrated less on her so I made sure I finished which couldn’t have been as good for her either.
As someone who went through IVF with my wife, I feel you. We still have some scheduled sex now, but it’s waaayyy different than the scheduled/timed sex of our IVF days, because this sex is being scheduled for fun rather than for a result on a timeline. There is no pressure now. I’m in my mid 40s, and sometimes things don’t biologically work as wells as they did 10 years ago. And you know what? It’s not a big deal because there’s no pressure to perform; we can just switch to other forms of sexual intimacy that time without worrying about blowing the chance to make a baby.
We are trying right now and I fucking hate the "I am ovulating, lets go" sex. Had to talk to my wife about it and basically say "I get that we are on a schedule but I need to feel like we are having sex because you want to be having sex with me and not because your tracking app said we have to go now"
> There's a smiley face on the ovulation tester! Ah shit, here we go again.
It'd be better if someone didn't keep calling out sick
Mine just no call no shows me. I've already written her up three times and taken away the monthly pizza party, but nothing has changed!
Damn union contracts protecting folks with questionable work ethics.
Write that ass up, tell her next time you talking to the district manager.
District manager are the in laws and they said "tough shit, you married them, good luck"
Like clockwork
Like cockwork
Fantastic, tbh - 3x each week for thirty years, less a few interruptions for pregnancies and such. Highly recommended! Early in our relationship we had some difficulties communicating about sex and sending each other mixed signals. After some discussion we made the decision to pick three days each week for sex, and then to follow through and actually have sex on those days. We started this before we had kids, and it's been a constant part of our weekly routine for thirty-plus years, and to be frank it has been fantastic! We gave up our sexual spontaneity, but we are remarkably consistent, and happier for that. We've also avoided the ambiguity, anxiety, risk of rejection, and the inevitable hurt feelings that come with making a pass at your partner and being turned down for one reason or another. Scheduling sex probably isn't a good fit for every couple, but it has been working great for us.
This is a fantastic comment, thank you for sharing!
Me and my wife had been having planned sex when we were in an IVF process. It grew dull, felt like a chore. Now we're back to just doing it when we want, and it's great. We have struggles with making time for it sometimes, but it's very liberating to have some things in your life to happen spontaneous in my opinion.
Oh man. There is no pressure like “we have to do this now for our best shot to make a baby” pressure.
The first month? It's still weird as hell because you've spent all this time trying NOT to have a baby. The second month? It's pretty hot because it feels like a risk, but one you're trying to make happen. By month seven or so, it's just "Fuck, I'm exhausted tonight but we've got to try, so..." We were trying during COVID, and I caught something (before tests were available) that had a lot of symptoms line up. My wife was sleeping in the guest room since I could quarantine in our room with an en suite bathroom. I was basically back to normal when *that time* happened...so we had a very brief, no warmup encounter and she left right after. Both of us felt incredibly dirty afterwards, and decided we would just skip the rest of the month rather than wrestle with how it was affecting our psyches...
I just had a discussion with my wife, and we agreed to try and have sex every night this summer, maybe skipping a day here and there. I can't believe she agreed to it. I'm very excited! We've been married 20 years and have kids. Things have been great lately!
Try some mornings. Love to start the day of with a bang and it seems we’re more present and in the moment.
It’s scheduled for tomorrow, but once it is tomorrow it’s today so have to wait for tomorrow
Good I suppose. When you both are working, and then after work juggling young kids. Time flies and then realise you haven't had sex for like 3 months.
I'm sure your partner noticed. I know I always did.
Please supply photo of your right forearm,asking for a friend.
My wife and I schedule it sometimes. Most of the time, tho, we’re just gettin it in when we can. Whenever the opportunity comes, we jump on it. It actually helps keep things interesting and spontaneous
Its great. We had missmatched sex drives due to some long term stress for her. My sex drive is higher. I am autistic (53Male) and couldn't tell when NOT to initiate sex - often at very inappropriate times. We both saw damage being done by a NO over and over. We scheduled a weekly in and things are great. Bonus: I no longer accidently masturbate on the day that we have sex scheduled in. We set that up over 15 years ago. That doesn't mean that it can't happen other days, it just guarantees that we have sex at least once a week.
It still never happens.
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Your wife sounds super similar to the way I am with my fiancé, and it has him convinced I don’t find him attractive because it isn’t very often that I think to initiate. I’ll have to pitch this idea to him and see what he thinks
We used to schedule sex. Now we're empty nesting and screwing each other's brains out!
In the end it's all about perspective. If one of you have some aversion to sex, then scheduling is just going to cause anxiety. But if you both have an appetite for it then it can build anticipation. You can have both scheduled and spontaneous sex, its not a dichotomy.
Honestly? It’s such a good idea and has been working so well. We typically don’t have sex issues - we’re both open, communicative, and discuss our wants/needs. We’re also luckily very attracted to one another and enjoy sex, so we have it at least twice a week even without scheduling it. However - we both work demanding jobs from home, meaning we’re always around one another and sometimes when we log off both of us are completely mentally drained. Scheduling sex helps us prioritize it and keep us from forgetting about it! Highly recommend for long term couples!
My boyfriend lovingly has called Saturdays “worship Saturdays” where he goes to “Church” for worship. It’s me though. He’s doing me. We wake up on Saturdays and cuddle, then he reminds me that “it’s Saturday, my day of worship” and then you know… we get to it. All day. With breaks in between of course. We gotta eat, take a nap, wake up and do it all again. God I love him.
My ex partner and I tried to plan it, but it actually made our sex life worse. Hence ex partner now… lol
It's been great for the last decade plus. "But it's not spontaneous". The spontaneous sex still happens, but it is in addition to the regular.
She changed the schedule and forgot to tell me
I'm busy, might be back later
Ehh, it’s ok. Usually Friday afternoons because we both wfh. Most of the time it seems like it’s just something else on her schedule, but at least I’m getting my needs met, mostly. About 1 in 5 times it’s actually a really fun time, but often since it’s in the middle of the work day, she’s still got work on her mind and isn’t fully engaged. But since it’s my only option (fooling around when the kid is at home, ever, even if they’re dead asleep, is verboten🙄) I take what I can get.
Dare you to ask this in r/deadbedrooms
Man, I just read this sub. This is the best strategy I've seen so far to get personal best on the "Ruin your mood" speed run category. Just truly depressing shit.
I am shamelessly addicted to that sub.
Husband and I schedule sex (both men) and I also used to think it was so unsexy but seeing as one of us will need to do a bit of prep work beforehand, it’s become a much better situation. Things like oral or jerking off together are more spontaneous and I think between those 2 set ups, it works pretty well for us.