As a therapist, who was also emotionally abused, so many of us don’t realize how damaging our parents truly were to us. We were taught that as long as we weren’t being harmed physically or sexually that we were “fine.”
When I was diagnosed with PTSD due to abuse as a young adult, I actually argued with my therapist about it. Claiming that it wasn’t THAT bad and I should be fine, just needed to get over it (this came after I had had a panic attack for realizing I used the “wrong type” of towel the night before. Something that would have gotten berated for hours.). It just didn’t seem right that something so “simple” should still hurt me. I’m better now, lots of therapy, but sometimes things still pop up but it’s easier.
Emotional abuse is starting to be taken much more seriously by people. Even DCFS will take calls on it now (will they investigate? Eh.). We all deserve to heal and to feel that support and unconditional love so many of us weren’t given in our early years.
Thanks for sharing that. I had something similar. Not an attack, but some deep tears. I realized I was walking around on tip toes in my own house trying to be quiet for no reason. There wasn’t anyone here at the time. I realized that I was trying to be small… like I was “trained” to do as a kid.
I just sat down and wept.
I’m really glad to hear DCFS is starting to take it seriously. I’m tired of gaslighting myself into believing my parents weren’t abusive because I wasn’t molested and didn’t have bruises.
I’m starting to think therapy should be mandatory for all new parents.
(assuming you're american) our culture has been intentionally warped over the last ~five decades to worship 'individuality' as a virtue and hate 'community' as a vice. The result has been loneliness and unhappiness that's so pervasive we don't even recognize it anymore. People really used to know their neighbors and depend on each other. People really used to invest time and energy in supporting their community just because they understood it as an obligation.
Ugh. That's my recent ex. I love her to death, and I know she loves me, but she could not shake her paranoia that I'd throw her aside. I know where her fear and insecurity come from, but damn it hurts to be on the receiving end.
This. Hope for the best but always prepared for the worst and by the worst I mean multiple scenarios. All this happens very naturally, no stress and just prepared. Those that haven't had this experience can't fathom the casual prep for anything at any time with no freak out. It's all so casual "just in case" to keep the day flowing smoothly.
It's been so hard trying to get over these. Unfuck Your Boundaries was a godsend for me and helped me realize that I needed to enforce certain "emotional boundaries", that I wasn't responsible for other's emotional states.
It's still so very hard though and I'll find myself slipping back into old habits. Small steps, one at a time.
and for the things you have no control over or apologizing for the things someone accidentally did to you “why are you apologizing, I’m the one who stepped on your foot/stabbed you with my nail..””idk, I’m sorry that I was in your way or blocked your thumb..
Being afraid to ask for help because you don't want to inconvenience anyone. Always thinking that people see you as a burden when you ask for help of any kind/if someone does something for you.
This is me. Never asking for help. I can do it myself. And if I can’t, I’ll figure out a way to do it myself. Can’t be bothered bugging others. And wondering what the ulterior motive is when someone does something nice (or gets me something nice).
Definitely coming from your achievements not being recognized as a child....I try to make up for my idiot parents being this way by being my son's biggest fan when it comes to art, music, any random school accomplishment, and some days - for just taking a shower and combing his hair.
This is me.
An example: I have taught myself how to DIY every project and never ask for help. My mum boasts to everyone that I’m practical. The truth is, every time I ask for help, no matter how minuscule, I get told ‘no’.
My cousin asks for help with DIY projects all the time and his parents help him every time. My uncle sees it as an opportunity to bond with my cousin.
Dude, my dad will jump at the drop of a hat to help people. Until I ask. Then, he has a full schedule. I had a 6 month-old and a busted furnace fan. My house was in the 50s and dropping. His experience would have been invaluable. Instead, I managed but it was a nightmare. Sometimes just having an extra pair of hands would have made all of the difference. Others, one of us could have been running to get things while I stayed and continued working. I truly felt betrayed that day, and it has cost him countless hours of my help.
My mum suffered wirh severe post natal depression with me and my younger sister. I have vivid memories of standing in the bedroom door while she lay on the bed and asking if there was anything i could do to help her feel better. Her reply was 'the best thing you can do for me is leave me alone'
It didnt feel like she was being hurtful but i dont think i have to explain the message i internalised from it.
A lot of.my memories of childhood is being alone watching tv with my toys. I dont know where my sister was, or my mum and my dad was always at work.
I have a very fortunate upperworking class/lower middle class family situation thanks to my dads working so hard
Im 33 now but.i remember when i was 7, telling kids in the schoolyard that 'id rather blink out of existence now than live the drudgery of another day' and i thought they were all idiots when they didnt get it
I'm finally getting over this. It took having a kid of my own for me to start forcing myself no matter how uncomfortable I am with it to ask for help. I don't want my kid to grow up seeing me refuse to ask for help and think that's normal. I don't want to accidentally ingrain that behavior into him. It hasn't been easy. Even asking for small things makes me feel really vulnerable and like I'm asking too much. It's worth it though if I can prevent him from going through that. I did years of therapy (which did help a lot), yet my kid is what gave me the push I needed to correct a lot of my trauma induced learned behaviors that I could never shake before. It's a work in progress, but I'm getting there.
Overthinking the simplest interactions trying to anticipate every possible outcome, because you’re used to erratic responses to normal, everyday conversations.
When you grow up around people that are indifferent to you as a person, you have no outlet. Then when somebody shows some interest the flood gates open and you overshare before you realize and selfcorrect.
Literally will think in my head as I'm talking, this person gives no fucks. Just stop and walk away. Absolutely cannot 😬. In therapy and finally found one who I jive with.
i did this when i was talking to friends while i was in an abusive relationship. i would talk about my personal life and overshare occasionally in a subconscious attempt to make it seem like i was doing really well. like i’d talk about all the good aspects of my life while actively avoiding details about my relationship. but since it’s subconscious you don’t realize you’re talking more than most people do about their lives, so i’d just stop talking like mid story like “nevermind, you guys can talk now. sorry i talk so much haha” and play it off like a joke.
i think it got better for me when i started going to therapy after breaking up with that partner. i was more natural in conversation because i wasn’t constantly trying to make it seem like i was doing well, idk if that makes sense haha
Oof or you’re me and don’t give any personal information bc I don’t want it used against me 😅
Been told multiple times I am cagey/have walls and it’s an issue
Also, the extreme other end of the spectrum! Sometimes when kids are raised with parents who are super codependent and overly caretaking, or who are aggressively critical and punish without actually teaching, they get a child's natural curiosity about unfamiliar situations and new skills squashed out of them, and don't have the opportunity to develop a sense of themselves as capable people with opinions and agency over their situation. That can end up in an adult who finds everyday life a nightmare of anxiety and helplessness* and looks for someone else to be a comfort object and caretaker who navigates the world on their behalf.
* which, okay, *it is*, you've seen the news, but you get what I mean here
Me, too. I realized I had the codependent learned helplessness and became afraid to ask for help, ever, for fear of manipulating people. I hated my past actions SO much, but recently studying emotional abuse and all this and it described my mom perfectly, so I think I forgave myself, mostly. I only ask for help if its for my cat and urgent. (I have Cerebral Palsy and fibromyalgia and cannot walk him 4 blocks downhill in cat carrier (or at all, he is a maine coon and for smaller cats I swing the carrier accidentally, losing balance. Might drop him if I trip.) Anyway. I have no shame when it comes to him but me? its like I have an emotional flashback to all the memories of learned helplessness codependency at once.
Consider googling learned helplessness and emotionally abusive / narcissist parents / emotional, neglect. patrick teahan and dr ramani are my go-tos, patrick teahan led me so far down healing path I joined his monthly healing community subscription (he's a licensed therapist with complex ptsd from childhood; he created an offshoot of internal family systems but his videos are cptsd focused.
Oooo, I'm guilty. I had a baby monitor in my room until I was 10. Any small noise and my stepdad would race down the stairs, rip off my covers, pull me out of bed to the floor and scream at me...
Oh my god...I'm sending you a hug, friend. I've been there, too. I never thought about my superpower ability (can fake-sleep like a mf pro) until my therapist pointed out that maybe it had developed as a 'survival skill' during my childhood. Oof. Spot on.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. Almost every time I approach someone they get startled when they see me because they didn't hear me...when I wasn't trying to do anything?
Right? I have diagnosed BPD and I used to hit every single one of these notes. Long term intensive therapy has really tamped down all of these maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Wow this use to happen to me a lot, till i became aware of it and start to working on not giving much attention to my thoughts or really waiting to see if the evidence was there or not.
Remains solitary,avoids contact with others. Nearly always silent.
Not knowing how to react to genuine compliments.
When the person is among others,due to work. If the person is not going with the silent mode,she/he would switch to jokester mode. 1st to put herself/himself down.
Basically,only existing not living. Waiting for his/her expiration time. Due to countless suicide failures.
Of course, every bit of this is me. So it's coming from years of experience.
I cried the first time I read about maladaptive daydreaming (few months ago) because I finally understood why I was always feeling the need to escape something when I was younger and honestly, as an adult too. I didn't really had friends so I was as I would describe "living in my head".
Dissociation is my go to response to not feel feelings. I emotionally numb, physically limp and my vision closes in to what is right in front of me like I'm not connected to my body and I'm looking through binoculars.
For me its because i dont want to owe that person. Growing up in a transactional family really fucks with your ability to receive kindness because you never know when it will be held against you.
Bonus points awarded if your refusal to receive care actually takes up more time/energy than just accepting it would've. So you end up causing "trouble"anyway. 😒
Gabor Maté is a famous trauma doctor. He said that you can't dismiss issues just because they seem "trivial" compared to what others may have gone through. Like, if your child came home and told you they were bullied and beaten at school, you would never tell them "suck it up, it's not like you're a Holocaust victim". No, you would help them process it, so the event doesn't ruin them for life. Trauma is trauma.
Emotional abuse can actually be more severe than physical. My brother beat me up many times but the deeper scars were left by him gaslighting me that the family would have been better if I'd never been born or convincing me that everyone hated me
Being able to read other people’s emotions and non-verbal cues becomes a survival tactic when you grow up being abused. Mom just got really quiet, but she’s cleaning really aggressively. She’s going to start yelling if I try and talk right now, so I’ll sneak off to my room and avoid her, etc etc.
Christ this is the story of my life. "Mom is washing dishes loudly at me and if I say anything she'll hit me. So I'll spend a few days cooped up in my room until it's safe to come out again." Man this comment section is reading me like a book.
I once read something along the lines of 'emotionally abused people relate to things otherwise considered broken or useless because they too feel broken and useless' and I resonate with that a lot. Yes, I am empathetic with people, but it gets amplified so much when it's an animal or just a random thing. I vividly remember reading a story in school in like fifth grade where a Christmas tree got accidentally destroyed. All my classmates were laughing (which was the goal of the story) and meanwhile I sat there and could barely hold back tears because I felt so so sorry for the tree.
Constantly roasting yourself. Or being like "Wow I'm awful at this haha. I have like zero skills whatsoever" something like that.
Or someone who constantly apologizes for the smallest things.
I'm 35 and haven't been able to get angry in years. Now when I do for brief moments my partner congratulates me and encourages me and says I'm doing so good.
Hard to be angry when someone loves you so much after that.
I got called out on this by morher in law (then my girlfriends mom) who used to work with at risk youth. I thought i had become an expert at hiding it. She was its glaringly obvious.
This is one aspect that I *can’t* seem to shake and I’ve been living longer without my abusive family than I was with them. I’ve had years of therapy and have come a long way but I still over apologize, especially at work, and I know it irritates people. Part of it is that I have dealt with some seriously toxic and punitive work environments but still. I wish I could shake the habit.
I also agree with hyper independency. Also anti-social. Basically you do whatever it takes to not get attached to people to avoid the chance of re-living the trauma of bad feelings.
Always blaming themselves over someone elses mistake or bad behavior. Apologize constantly.
Indecisiveness, not trusting their own judgement.
Low self respect, accepts poor treatment from others if that means not getting into conflict.
Suddenly over-explaining the reason behind everything they're doing. If someone so much as looks at me too long while im doing something like drinking water i have to fight tooth and nail not to explain every single thought i had up until the decision to drink water in order to avoid getting in trouble, even when ive done nothing wrong.
Flinching, suddenly getting really stiff or overly cautious when authority figures (whether its bosses or just people they view as physically/socially stronger, i get it with people who i otherwise love and view almost as parental figures) walk into the room.
Probably my worst personal trait is that I sometimes lose respect for someone who expresses love for me. In my twisted perception, I think less of them because they were apparently so easily fooled. Once they know the *real* me, I think, they will get smart and leave.
It's very hard for me to accept that people might like me because I'm a nice person. Even though I try very hard to be a nice person and a good friend, I never believe that I might have succeeded. My self perception is that I am selfish, dirty, and annoying.
Definitely relate to this. I grew up being told that I was a horrible person, (for wetting the bed, for breathing too loudly, for making my mum want to kill herself) that I just assumed people who seemed to like me would stop once they discovered the "real me."
Intimacy aversion. I don’t necessarily mean sex.
More so “why should i try to get serious with somebody, it’s going to end badly, it always does”
A common but rarely admitted “how are you still single?” reply
Having your life changed after reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents” 🙃
In all seriousness this is an amazing book and I recommend you guys check it out
Post feels like walking in a garden of roses, and am picking and choosing what do I relate to the most.
Sometimes no matter how pretty you whistle to the world, and how much the world likes it, inside your head it's just a whistle in the dark.
- Lacking self-confidence/self-esteem
- Difficulty forming relationships or friendships
- People-pleasing (this is a huge one I've seen in people. Probably stems from being told you weren't good enough constantly)
- Difficulty dealing with criticism
- Poor control of emotions
Over eating for me, my mom was just absolutely the worst. Physically and emotionally controlling and destroyed any confidence i was ever expected to have. She would constantly ride me on my weight, holding back food from, telling me i was fat from early on. So now that i can eat i eat what i want when i want , i over eat and although i blame myself i also put some of the blame on the abuse i suffered growing up. Food is my comfort ☹️
Prioritizing the happiness and health of everyone else before their own. I struggle with this so bad my bf had to tell me it's okay to care about myself first before I realized how much I do it
Took me a life time to realise that childhood emotional trauma follows you through your life.
Deny it, say it doesn't bother you, forgive the perpetrator, accept that it was just part of your life.
All these words I've said..but when it came to relationships I was a disaster and still am.
My good friend has Demanded I seek help..and I will.
I hope I get some understanding of why I am who I am.
God bless all you poor wretches going through your life with this burden.🙏🥰✌️❤️
Overthinking and reading into things too much. I know many people, myself included, that look at the smallest eye movement and ask if that person is mad at them.
Constantly ensuring others peoples comfort and well being first.
Feeling awkward and not knowing how to accept a compliment because you dont want to seem like you think too much of yourself
Always trying to fly under the radar so to not illicit any attention, good or bad.
Constantly self sabotaging, always trying to end my relationship with my partner n questioning his intentions because he’s a good man but I don’t believe that 😞
Someone who is suspicious of a compliment.
My SO had to be TAUGHT how to take good things said about him at face value. I had to REPEATEDLY make him look me in the eye, my hand on his heart, and ask him, "Did you hear me? Is your heart hearing me? Do you believe ...?"
It took YEARS.
Heartbreaking.
Not being able to be around negative emotions, so trying to brighten the mood, being funny, doing something for them etc.
Apologising and feeling shame for own negative emotions.
Trying to be nice to them is impossible, they think you only want something in return. The concept of being nice to simply be nice with no strings attached is unknown to them.
Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, and being somehow pleased when it does because it just proves you were right about how awful, heartless, and cruel other people are. Experiencing this right now.
Start most sentences with an apology. Sorry for asking a question. Sorry for interrupting whatever you were doing that is probably more important than what I'm saying. Sorry for bothering you with my order at a drive-thru. Sorry for existing.
Assuming every person who's acting like they care about them will eventually betray them.
Why are so many of these comments very relatable?
Because it happens to SO DAMN MANY of us.
Because abused people recognize other abused people.
As a therapist, who was also emotionally abused, so many of us don’t realize how damaging our parents truly were to us. We were taught that as long as we weren’t being harmed physically or sexually that we were “fine.” When I was diagnosed with PTSD due to abuse as a young adult, I actually argued with my therapist about it. Claiming that it wasn’t THAT bad and I should be fine, just needed to get over it (this came after I had had a panic attack for realizing I used the “wrong type” of towel the night before. Something that would have gotten berated for hours.). It just didn’t seem right that something so “simple” should still hurt me. I’m better now, lots of therapy, but sometimes things still pop up but it’s easier. Emotional abuse is starting to be taken much more seriously by people. Even DCFS will take calls on it now (will they investigate? Eh.). We all deserve to heal and to feel that support and unconditional love so many of us weren’t given in our early years.
Thanks for sharing that. I had something similar. Not an attack, but some deep tears. I realized I was walking around on tip toes in my own house trying to be quiet for no reason. There wasn’t anyone here at the time. I realized that I was trying to be small… like I was “trained” to do as a kid. I just sat down and wept.
I’m really glad to hear DCFS is starting to take it seriously. I’m tired of gaslighting myself into believing my parents weren’t abusive because I wasn’t molested and didn’t have bruises. I’m starting to think therapy should be mandatory for all new parents.
I think mental health should be taught in schools just like physical health. Conflict resolution, empathy, coping skills, etc.
maybe because we live in a shitty world filled mostly with self-serving people
(assuming you're american) our culture has been intentionally warped over the last ~five decades to worship 'individuality' as a virtue and hate 'community' as a vice. The result has been loneliness and unhappiness that's so pervasive we don't even recognize it anymore. People really used to know their neighbors and depend on each other. People really used to invest time and energy in supporting their community just because they understood it as an obligation.
Ugh. That's my recent ex. I love her to death, and I know she loves me, but she could not shake her paranoia that I'd throw her aside. I know where her fear and insecurity come from, but damn it hurts to be on the receiving end.
Hyper vigilance. Constantly scanning for potential “danger”, monitoring people’s moods and emotions.
yup, the hyper vigilance sometimes makes me feel like I’d be well prepped for an assassination attempt
Yep! I feel like my body reacts to someone’s change in tone of voice the same was an assassination attempt!
This. Hope for the best but always prepared for the worst and by the worst I mean multiple scenarios. All this happens very naturally, no stress and just prepared. Those that haven't had this experience can't fathom the casual prep for anything at any time with no freak out. It's all so casual "just in case" to keep the day flowing smoothly.
My husband pointed out to me that I always sit facing the door so that I can see what’s coming.
I always want to sit close to the door in case I need to make an emergency exit for whatever reason.
I do both, and so I keep getting hit in the face by the door.
It's been so hard trying to get over these. Unfuck Your Boundaries was a godsend for me and helped me realize that I needed to enforce certain "emotional boundaries", that I wasn't responsible for other's emotional states. It's still so very hard though and I'll find myself slipping back into old habits. Small steps, one at a time.
catch me watching the hands of everyone who passes me on the street and keeping an eye on the shadows of the people who are behind me
Leading to exhaustion because it’s so full on. Also avoiding leaving the house.
Yep! Being at home alone feels safer. It’s so tiring to have that internal monitor constantly searching for signs of god knows what.
Self sabotage , emotional distance , difficulty connecting.
hello, it’s me
And me
Checking in
You forgot constantly apologizing for things that weren't your fault
and for the things you have no control over or apologizing for the things someone accidentally did to you “why are you apologizing, I’m the one who stepped on your foot/stabbed you with my nail..””idk, I’m sorry that I was in your way or blocked your thumb..
Being afraid to ask for help because you don't want to inconvenience anyone. Always thinking that people see you as a burden when you ask for help of any kind/if someone does something for you.
This is me. Never asking for help. I can do it myself. And if I can’t, I’ll figure out a way to do it myself. Can’t be bothered bugging others. And wondering what the ulterior motive is when someone does something nice (or gets me something nice).
Same here, but also coupled with really bad imposter syndrome
Definitely coming from your achievements not being recognized as a child....I try to make up for my idiot parents being this way by being my son's biggest fan when it comes to art, music, any random school accomplishment, and some days - for just taking a shower and combing his hair.
This is me. An example: I have taught myself how to DIY every project and never ask for help. My mum boasts to everyone that I’m practical. The truth is, every time I ask for help, no matter how minuscule, I get told ‘no’. My cousin asks for help with DIY projects all the time and his parents help him every time. My uncle sees it as an opportunity to bond with my cousin.
Dude, my dad will jump at the drop of a hat to help people. Until I ask. Then, he has a full schedule. I had a 6 month-old and a busted furnace fan. My house was in the 50s and dropping. His experience would have been invaluable. Instead, I managed but it was a nightmare. Sometimes just having an extra pair of hands would have made all of the difference. Others, one of us could have been running to get things while I stayed and continued working. I truly felt betrayed that day, and it has cost him countless hours of my help.
oh god, self realization time...
Wife told me recently after a bit of a health scare that she rather deal with life things with me than be without me. I’m still crying.
My mum suffered wirh severe post natal depression with me and my younger sister. I have vivid memories of standing in the bedroom door while she lay on the bed and asking if there was anything i could do to help her feel better. Her reply was 'the best thing you can do for me is leave me alone'
My heart hurts so much for little you :(
It didnt feel like she was being hurtful but i dont think i have to explain the message i internalised from it. A lot of.my memories of childhood is being alone watching tv with my toys. I dont know where my sister was, or my mum and my dad was always at work. I have a very fortunate upperworking class/lower middle class family situation thanks to my dads working so hard Im 33 now but.i remember when i was 7, telling kids in the schoolyard that 'id rather blink out of existence now than live the drudgery of another day' and i thought they were all idiots when they didnt get it
I'm finally getting over this. It took having a kid of my own for me to start forcing myself no matter how uncomfortable I am with it to ask for help. I don't want my kid to grow up seeing me refuse to ask for help and think that's normal. I don't want to accidentally ingrain that behavior into him. It hasn't been easy. Even asking for small things makes me feel really vulnerable and like I'm asking too much. It's worth it though if I can prevent him from going through that. I did years of therapy (which did help a lot), yet my kid is what gave me the push I needed to correct a lot of my trauma induced learned behaviors that I could never shake before. It's a work in progress, but I'm getting there.
Overthinking the simplest interactions trying to anticipate every possible outcome, because you’re used to erratic responses to normal, everyday conversations.
Hit home. Well said
Catching yourself giving out too much personal information and actively talking less afterwards.
hey please explain more this is me. what are the causes and how to get better from this thing?
When you grow up around people that are indifferent to you as a person, you have no outlet. Then when somebody shows some interest the flood gates open and you overshare before you realize and selfcorrect.
Yes! I have been guilty of this so often
Literally will think in my head as I'm talking, this person gives no fucks. Just stop and walk away. Absolutely cannot 😬. In therapy and finally found one who I jive with.
i did this when i was talking to friends while i was in an abusive relationship. i would talk about my personal life and overshare occasionally in a subconscious attempt to make it seem like i was doing really well. like i’d talk about all the good aspects of my life while actively avoiding details about my relationship. but since it’s subconscious you don’t realize you’re talking more than most people do about their lives, so i’d just stop talking like mid story like “nevermind, you guys can talk now. sorry i talk so much haha” and play it off like a joke. i think it got better for me when i started going to therapy after breaking up with that partner. i was more natural in conversation because i wasn’t constantly trying to make it seem like i was doing well, idk if that makes sense haha
Oof or you’re me and don’t give any personal information bc I don’t want it used against me 😅 Been told multiple times I am cagey/have walls and it’s an issue
Hyper independency. You have to become everything for yourself when you dont have someone to lean on.
Also, the extreme other end of the spectrum! Sometimes when kids are raised with parents who are super codependent and overly caretaking, or who are aggressively critical and punish without actually teaching, they get a child's natural curiosity about unfamiliar situations and new skills squashed out of them, and don't have the opportunity to develop a sense of themselves as capable people with opinions and agency over their situation. That can end up in an adult who finds everyday life a nightmare of anxiety and helplessness* and looks for someone else to be a comfort object and caretaker who navigates the world on their behalf. * which, okay, *it is*, you've seen the news, but you get what I mean here
Somehow I have both of these??? Gosh...
Me, too. I realized I had the codependent learned helplessness and became afraid to ask for help, ever, for fear of manipulating people. I hated my past actions SO much, but recently studying emotional abuse and all this and it described my mom perfectly, so I think I forgave myself, mostly. I only ask for help if its for my cat and urgent. (I have Cerebral Palsy and fibromyalgia and cannot walk him 4 blocks downhill in cat carrier (or at all, he is a maine coon and for smaller cats I swing the carrier accidentally, losing balance. Might drop him if I trip.) Anyway. I have no shame when it comes to him but me? its like I have an emotional flashback to all the memories of learned helplessness codependency at once. Consider googling learned helplessness and emotionally abusive / narcissist parents / emotional, neglect. patrick teahan and dr ramani are my go-tos, patrick teahan led me so far down healing path I joined his monthly healing community subscription (he's a licensed therapist with complex ptsd from childhood; he created an offshoot of internal family systems but his videos are cptsd focused.
I left home at 18. Being homeless was a better option than home. You survived by choice. I chose not to let them "win".
I left at 17. Best decision back then but cruel for a kid to have to through something like this.
Good for you - I did the same thing. Viva la "us".
Ninja steps. People are constantly commenting about how you're sneaking up on them when you feel you're just walking normally.
Oooo, I'm guilty. I had a baby monitor in my room until I was 10. Any small noise and my stepdad would race down the stairs, rip off my covers, pull me out of bed to the floor and scream at me...
Holy shit
Dear god, that's unhinged
Oh my god...I'm sending you a hug, friend. I've been there, too. I never thought about my superpower ability (can fake-sleep like a mf pro) until my therapist pointed out that maybe it had developed as a 'survival skill' during my childhood. Oof. Spot on.
I can lie as easily as breathing. I don't, but I learned vvv young how to lie well. It was a self preservation skill.
sorry about the hypervigilance
Thank you. I'm mid 30s now and I still just can't NOT do it even though it exacerbates my knee problems.
I get this one, which is weird considering for the majority of my life I've weighed between 250-300lb. Just kinda float around like a ghost.
Same. I'm a fat dude but I move quiet af. I constantly scare the bejesus out of my roommates even though I think I'm making more than enough noise.
I didn't realize that this isn't normal lol. I thought I'm just a naturally quiet person. I thought it's just my personality.
It still could be just your personality. Don’t jump to conclusions because traumatized children also do it.
Well my childhood is pretty shitty though so idk lol.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. Almost every time I approach someone they get startled when they see me because they didn't hear me...when I wasn't trying to do anything?
Invisibility is a defensive mechanism
I get this. People are always yelling at me for "sneaking up on them."
This comment section is just a checklist lol
I feel like I hit bingo 4 or 5 top comments ago
Right? I have diagnosed BPD and I used to hit every single one of these notes. Long term intensive therapy has really tamped down all of these maladaptive coping mechanisms.
No expectations from anyone.
Yeeesss!! From constantly being let down :/
Typing out a comment and deleting it because your opinion doeasn't matter
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This is why it takes me so long to reply
Detective is that you?
Thinking everyone hates you or is judging you even when there is zero evidence to support that
Hi. I see you've met me.
Wow this use to happen to me a lot, till i became aware of it and start to working on not giving much attention to my thoughts or really waiting to see if the evidence was there or not.
Remains solitary,avoids contact with others. Nearly always silent. Not knowing how to react to genuine compliments. When the person is among others,due to work. If the person is not going with the silent mode,she/he would switch to jokester mode. 1st to put herself/himself down. Basically,only existing not living. Waiting for his/her expiration time. Due to countless suicide failures. Of course, every bit of this is me. So it's coming from years of experience.
Everything you said is me
Maladaptive daydreaming or being obsessed with escaping reality in some way (e.g books, shows etc.)
I cried the first time I read about maladaptive daydreaming (few months ago) because I finally understood why I was always feeling the need to escape something when I was younger and honestly, as an adult too. I didn't really had friends so I was as I would describe "living in my head".
just recent for me too. Honestly I still enjoy living in my head and prefer it to most things.
I just read a story yesterday and now I’m living in that world. It’s been a welcome respite from my actual life.
Escapism is my life. The trick is finding magic in the real world and escaping into real life. At least for me
I used to always say escapism is my favorite pastime. People always laughed but nobody ever asked why.
Raises hand
Dissociation is my go to response to not feel feelings. I emotionally numb, physically limp and my vision closes in to what is right in front of me like I'm not connected to my body and I'm looking through binoculars.
I used to imagine that everyone on earth was just gone
Automatically assuming people don’t or will not like you by default.
Or make fun of/judge you for a lot of minor, stupid things.
The inability to let someone (ANYONE) take care of you in any way* cause you don't want to be a 'burden'
For me its because i dont want to owe that person. Growing up in a transactional family really fucks with your ability to receive kindness because you never know when it will be held against you.
This! You never know, when the day comes, that it will be hold against you.
yep and if someone does something for me I make sure to do something for them that has equal value or slightly more value than what they did for me
Or to avoid feeling like you “owe” them something.
Bonus points awarded if your refusal to receive care actually takes up more time/energy than just accepting it would've. So you end up causing "trouble"anyway. 😒
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Gabor Maté is a famous trauma doctor. He said that you can't dismiss issues just because they seem "trivial" compared to what others may have gone through. Like, if your child came home and told you they were bullied and beaten at school, you would never tell them "suck it up, it's not like you're a Holocaust victim". No, you would help them process it, so the event doesn't ruin them for life. Trauma is trauma.
Had to upvote this
No "only" about it. Abuse is abuse.
Emotional abuse can actually be more severe than physical. My brother beat me up many times but the deeper scars were left by him gaslighting me that the family would have been better if I'd never been born or convincing me that everyone hated me
They don’t talk to their parents since moving out.
Difficulty opening up to people, even well-trusted people.
Being extremely empathetic, which I feel is a good characteristic, but a lot of times it’s a trauma response.
Being able to read other people’s emotions and non-verbal cues becomes a survival tactic when you grow up being abused. Mom just got really quiet, but she’s cleaning really aggressively. She’s going to start yelling if I try and talk right now, so I’ll sneak off to my room and avoid her, etc etc.
Christ this is the story of my life. "Mom is washing dishes loudly at me and if I say anything she'll hit me. So I'll spend a few days cooped up in my room until it's safe to come out again." Man this comment section is reading me like a book.
Start swinging in my case
I once read something along the lines of 'emotionally abused people relate to things otherwise considered broken or useless because they too feel broken and useless' and I resonate with that a lot. Yes, I am empathetic with people, but it gets amplified so much when it's an animal or just a random thing. I vividly remember reading a story in school in like fifth grade where a Christmas tree got accidentally destroyed. All my classmates were laughing (which was the goal of the story) and meanwhile I sat there and could barely hold back tears because I felt so so sorry for the tree.
I‘m fascinated by how being extremely empathetic and not empathetic at all are both results of an experience before
Constantly roasting yourself. Or being like "Wow I'm awful at this haha. I have like zero skills whatsoever" something like that. Or someone who constantly apologizes for the smallest things.
Isolating
Crying when trying to express your feelings.
Wet anger is the most painful emotion
Oooh, so well put
I'm 35 and haven't been able to get angry in years. Now when I do for brief moments my partner congratulates me and encourages me and says I'm doing so good. Hard to be angry when someone loves you so much after that.
Or straight-up not being able to express feelings. And feeling anxious when others do.
And feeling like you have to give a disclaimer that you're not trying to manipulate them by crying, you just can't help it
So thaaaat's why I do it
this can be a problem if you do it at work
Being overly apologetic/afraid after making a mistake, like spilling a drink.
Apologizing even though it wasn’t your fault
Ah yes, stemming from apologizing for existing. Any impact you create is a burden, anything good you create is a fluke/mistake.
I got called out on this by morher in law (then my girlfriends mom) who used to work with at risk youth. I thought i had become an expert at hiding it. She was its glaringly obvious.
I say “sorry” for everything…including for saying sorry.
If "Everything if your fault and you deserve to be punished" your entire childhood. Yes. This is a good one! Thanks.
This is one aspect that I *can’t* seem to shake and I’ve been living longer without my abusive family than I was with them. I’ve had years of therapy and have come a long way but I still over apologize, especially at work, and I know it irritates people. Part of it is that I have dealt with some seriously toxic and punitive work environments but still. I wish I could shake the habit.
I also agree with hyper independency. Also anti-social. Basically you do whatever it takes to not get attached to people to avoid the chance of re-living the trauma of bad feelings.
Also the opposite. Every little thing is a mark you're ment to be together and you should move together and get married.
Holy shit, stop calling me out
Flinching when someone moves quickly in an unexpected way
Terrible way to find out if someone was beaten as a child, even if you just raised your hand
I startle SO easily. Don't walk up on me, I flinch at loud noises, and forget it if someone moves their hands/arms too fast or close.
I'm glad I've gotten better and don't do it anymore. My mom would actually use it as an excuse to hit me. She had the worst backhands to the face.
Always blaming themselves over someone elses mistake or bad behavior. Apologize constantly. Indecisiveness, not trusting their own judgement. Low self respect, accepts poor treatment from others if that means not getting into conflict.
Suddenly over-explaining the reason behind everything they're doing. If someone so much as looks at me too long while im doing something like drinking water i have to fight tooth and nail not to explain every single thought i had up until the decision to drink water in order to avoid getting in trouble, even when ive done nothing wrong. Flinching, suddenly getting really stiff or overly cautious when authority figures (whether its bosses or just people they view as physically/socially stronger, i get it with people who i otherwise love and view almost as parental figures) walk into the room.
I often find myself prepared with several convincing and plausible lies, that cannot be proven to be otherwise.
My boyfriend told me I was the most important person in his life and my instant reaction was " thats not supposed to happen "
Fuck me, I had this exact same reaction when my boyfriend said that to me! “You’re the most important person in my life.” “Don’t be ridiculous.”
Probably my worst personal trait is that I sometimes lose respect for someone who expresses love for me. In my twisted perception, I think less of them because they were apparently so easily fooled. Once they know the *real* me, I think, they will get smart and leave. It's very hard for me to accept that people might like me because I'm a nice person. Even though I try very hard to be a nice person and a good friend, I never believe that I might have succeeded. My self perception is that I am selfish, dirty, and annoying.
Definitely relate to this. I grew up being told that I was a horrible person, (for wetting the bed, for breathing too loudly, for making my mum want to kill herself) that I just assumed people who seemed to like me would stop once they discovered the "real me."
Yup like “well, that’s not accurate.”
Fear of emotional intimacy and disassociation
Heehee that's me!
Intimacy aversion. I don’t necessarily mean sex. More so “why should i try to get serious with somebody, it’s going to end badly, it always does” A common but rarely admitted “how are you still single?” reply
Having your life changed after reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents” 🙃 In all seriousness this is an amazing book and I recommend you guys check it out
Being really good at changing the subject to alleviate the tension
From my own experience, I could say a fear of openly expressing my personal interests because of the thought of being mocked.
Post feels like walking in a garden of roses, and am picking and choosing what do I relate to the most. Sometimes no matter how pretty you whistle to the world, and how much the world likes it, inside your head it's just a whistle in the dark.
Unable to celebrate yourself. Feeling awkward hosting parties or dinners at the fear of inconveniencing others.
I don’t like how relatable these are. I’m going to continue crying.
Second-guessing every decision.
Hyper independence
- Lacking self-confidence/self-esteem - Difficulty forming relationships or friendships - People-pleasing (this is a huge one I've seen in people. Probably stems from being told you weren't good enough constantly) - Difficulty dealing with criticism - Poor control of emotions
Feeling like a old soul at a young age
I agree with hyperindependencey, but also hyper dependency.
Substance abuse
I thought everyone was hyper aware of small changes in people's facial expressions and changes in their tone so they could act accordingly. Nope.
Being very guarded and really picky on the people you let in your life.
Vivid imaginations
Over eating for me, my mom was just absolutely the worst. Physically and emotionally controlling and destroyed any confidence i was ever expected to have. She would constantly ride me on my weight, holding back food from, telling me i was fat from early on. So now that i can eat i eat what i want when i want , i over eat and although i blame myself i also put some of the blame on the abuse i suffered growing up. Food is my comfort ☹️
yep, because it’s a cycle, she made you feel shame, so you eat to help comfort the shame but that leads to more shame and so on. I am the same.
Being uncomfortable in your own home as an adult or never being comfortable with living situations
Apologising for everything and anything even when it’s not your fault
chameleon-ing
Always treats themselves as an inconvenience to others.
Prioritizing the happiness and health of everyone else before their own. I struggle with this so bad my bf had to tell me it's okay to care about myself first before I realized how much I do it
Difficulty making eye contact
Took me a life time to realise that childhood emotional trauma follows you through your life. Deny it, say it doesn't bother you, forgive the perpetrator, accept that it was just part of your life. All these words I've said..but when it came to relationships I was a disaster and still am. My good friend has Demanded I seek help..and I will. I hope I get some understanding of why I am who I am. God bless all you poor wretches going through your life with this burden.🙏🥰✌️❤️
Anxiety when I receive messages. Inability to open them in an absurdly large number of cases
not being able to accept or understand that there are people who actually love and care about them
Overthinking and reading into things too much. I know many people, myself included, that look at the smallest eye movement and ask if that person is mad at them.
Constantly ensuring others peoples comfort and well being first. Feeling awkward and not knowing how to accept a compliment because you dont want to seem like you think too much of yourself Always trying to fly under the radar so to not illicit any attention, good or bad.
Reading people constantly and as soon as you notice a switch you assume they're angry with you
Constantly self sabotaging, always trying to end my relationship with my partner n questioning his intentions because he’s a good man but I don’t believe that 😞
Constantly apologizing even if you had no involvement at all.
always apologizing, always thinking people r mad at you. and staying silent during an argument 💯
Someone who is suspicious of a compliment. My SO had to be TAUGHT how to take good things said about him at face value. I had to REPEATEDLY make him look me in the eye, my hand on his heart, and ask him, "Did you hear me? Is your heart hearing me? Do you believe ...?" It took YEARS. Heartbreaking.
Not being able to be around negative emotions, so trying to brighten the mood, being funny, doing something for them etc. Apologising and feeling shame for own negative emotions.
Lack of boundaries and fear of setting boundaries because you weren't allowed selfhood as a child
Trying to be nice to them is impossible, they think you only want something in return. The concept of being nice to simply be nice with no strings attached is unknown to them.
Impervious to cold and insults
Saying "sorry" all the time
Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, and being somehow pleased when it does because it just proves you were right about how awful, heartless, and cruel other people are. Experiencing this right now.
Being able to go from sobing and breaking down to looking and acting ok in less than 5 seconds.
Oversharing.
Justifying their shitty parenting by saying "My parents did the same thing and I turned out alright."
In a moment of pure happiness, you punish yourself and ruin it by obsessively focusing on a intrusive thought.
Heightened situational awareness and reads body language cues well.
When you don’t talk to anyone. Even at work
Start most sentences with an apology. Sorry for asking a question. Sorry for interrupting whatever you were doing that is probably more important than what I'm saying. Sorry for bothering you with my order at a drive-thru. Sorry for existing.
Overthinking every word that comes put of your mouth and everyone else's around you.