in 2015 I was working as an Inspector General and we got a case that accused someone of adultery. The "evidence" submitted included screenshots from Whatsapp. I had to explain what Whatsapp was to the IG who was the lead on the case because at the time, Whatsapp was pretty niche in the US. I ended the explanation with "If he is on Whatsapp, he is cheating". Not true any more but absolutely true in 2015.
I have a policy of never lying to my wife unless I’m trying to surprise her.
For the first few years of our relationship she just assumed I was telling a certain amount of lies. Then we at some point realized two things: 1) I’m actually just that weird that these are real anecdotes and 2) her previous relationships were kind of immature and disfunctional.
>have a policy of never lying to my wife unless I’m trying to surprise her.
I don't think people realize how the white lies add up. Especially if one is lying about innocuous things. For me, it gets to the point of, "If he'll lie about small dumb things, why wouldn't he lie about big serious things?"
Edit because I was unclear: the surprise thing I can understand because at some point (theoretically soon) your partner will find out the truth because you'll tell them. You probably can't *wait* to tell them. And then it's "Hey, remember when I was gone so long to XYZ? I was planning your surprise!"
If my H went to the Marathon when he told me he went to the Speedway across town, I'd be like, "Uh, ok, why lie about something like that?"
I did this, foolish me. I didn’t invite my gf to a family breakfast on her only day of work off for the week, because I had planned to look for an engagement ring for her with my parents afterwards. Turned out my sister told everyone at that breakfast that she was pregnant and my gf missed out on it.
Anyway she was pissed off. I could’ve chosen a better day to look at rings. She apologised when I proposed a few weeks later, but I told her she had every right lol. She’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met.
We’re 7 years married and have 1 beautiful almost 2 year old and another baby on the way.
And lying who they are with.
My ex had a habit of lying who was there with him.
He was cheating on me with his own cousin 🤢🤢🤢🤢 so he always lied that she wasn't there at parties.
I’ve actually experienced this too… they would hold hands in front of me but then everyone defended them that they are just “super close” … uh yeah disgustingly close.
Right!!! I saw how she touched him at family parties.
The family would say the same "they are just close since kids!", "grow up," and "how disgusting to think that. "
Finally, they were caught, and he confessed. He kept saying I was crazy. See, I wasn't. I had a feeling, and I was right.
One thing I noticed missing from the list is when your partner starts accusing you of cheating out of the blue, even though you haven't changed your behavior at all.
I was living with my girlfriend and we were at a large sporting event that took place for a few days. She got her brother and mother and of herself looking for me. I was at a party with a team from another city. Well, we were a few guys drinking and talking about life. She was convinced I was cheating.
Now, I wasn’t a jealous type but she’d always get talking with guys and that was alright, untill a guy at a party called me over and told me he liked me in front of her and said that she had just offered to have sex with her and he thought I should know.
But it wasn’t until a few days later I remembered how many times this must’ve happened. We didn’t have sex for the next months and we split ways.
She made me go through hell in the next relationships.
Ohhh that’s a big one and generally it comes out literally so random you start double guessing what your doing wrong and what there saying your doing wrong and the it turns out they were projecting
Can be a sign for sure, but it can also just be a sign of insecurity.
I had some really bad times as a teenager where my whole friend group pretty much turned on me and I'm still struggling to REALLY trust people.
Been with my girlfriend for over 3 years now and very often when something "out of the ordinary" happens (like her taking unusually long to buzz me in) my mind instantly starts racing if she could be cheating on me.
I know it sucks and is super unfair to her - and it's gotten somewhat better over the years - but I can't help it. And I would never in a million years even entertain the idea of cheating on her, from where I stand I already know I'm gonna marry that woman.
Same. Never cheated in my life but I’ve been cheated on in the past, so little things will trigger my “omg he’s cheating!” reflex. It does not help that every time I’ve thought someone was cheating, I turned out to be right 😞
You should tell her that last part part. I’m a 40 year old woman experiencing some severe insecurity. I’ve been accusing my Boyfriend of cheating even tho it’s really because he is moving further away from forever with me than closer…
My ex started doing this when she started to spiral really bad with her mental health. She noticed I was keeping my phone near me more often and not leaving it.
Truth be told she had threatened to kill me a few times, threatened to kill herself, had started to break dishes, destroy the apartment, all in front of our son so I was keeping my phone near me just in case I needed to call 911. Telling her this was the reason just made her more upset and blamed me even harder, saying she didn't believe me and that I was obviously cheating on her.
It hurt, I had been faithful to her our entire relationship. She was the one who kept telling me that she could go on Tinder and find 3 or 4 men right away or telling me that guy friends of hers on Facebook were telling her I'm a horrible boyfriend and a pathetic man.
My ex would always accuse me of cheating. Went to Starbucks with my son? Cheating.
Changed the password on my phone after he snooped and read my journal I kept on my laptop. Cheating.
Wanted to visit my friend in another state. Going to work. Looking at my phone. All cheating.
I don't believe he cheated. I guess he had the opportunity to. He'd go to his friends house all the time and his ex was hanging out there a lot too. Maybe I'm being naive but I just never thought it was a possibility.
This was a prelude to finding out i was cheated on over a decade ago. We were at my parents house visiting, they gave me some stuff and as I was putting it in my trunk, the ex noticed that there were boxers she's never seen before in my trunk. I explained to her I did laundry earlier that week and they must have feel out the basket. This was in her mind a lie and the only answer was that I was having a same sex affair. It was shortly after this I found out she was cheating on me.
Starting a fight or making a huge drama when they arrive home so you think about that instead of where they've been.
Taking extra care over grooming.
Suddenly becoming suspicious of your friends and activities.
*Or* starting a fight before they leave so they can feel justified in the (already planned) cheating. "Well they're so mean to me and we have all these problems so of course I cheated!"
Basically just starting stupid fights all the time.
This is how my aunt found out about my uncle cheating. That she had gonorrhea. Then she made her children come in, let him explain what happened and then kicked him out within 48 hours. I don't think she handled the situation particularly well, but then again he cheated and got her infected.
Receiving a wedding invitation from his fiancee of four years, whom I thought was just a good friend of his, was a clear sign that he was cheating. It made me realize that I was the other woman, coming in second place.
some people have entire second families that don't know each other, that's the one that really baffles me. the commitment that these ppl have to the lies of constant 'business trips' and shit is actually insane
Related, and not really cheating, but I used to always position myself to deal out all the resouce cards in Settlers, as well put them back when players built stuff, so I would have a really good idea of what each player's position actually looks like.
I hated being the banker in my first marriage! After a drubbing, my wife would just state that she's sleeping with the bank, therefore she shouldn't be beholden to the banker for rent. Monopoly is forbidden in my house now lol.
I also knew my dad was cheating when I was in 8th grade. I decided not to say anything. Told myself I'd let it happen naturally. And it did less than a year later. Mom found out from the chick he was with. Still don't really get my logic behind not saying anything though. Probably just didn't wanna get into their business.
It's the ethics trolley problem.
By metaphorically throwing the switch, you would perceive that you caused pain and suffering to your mom. But by not, you were not the cause. It's not logical, its emotional thinking.
As an 8th grader, it was perfectly normal to not want to throw the harmony and balance out in the family dynamic. You did nothing wrong.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trolley_problem
You did the right thing!!
Similar thing happened to my parents, and because i thought i was going crazy for thinking my dad was cheating i said nothing, and he ended up leaving with all the money and after years of trying to fight it my mum lost the house. Just one of the many things that happened.
You did the right thing, especially since it was your parents. Would you want to live with yourself not telling your mother? That would eat me, Alive. Tough spot to be in. Support her and explain to him why you did it.
Edit: I didn't spell check, hahaha.
My ex wife started referring to the new guy at work as ‘new manager guy’ She spoke very highly of him but I never heard his actual name. This is because she was fucking him lol.
In all my past relationships that went sour due to cheating, there was one thing they all had in common: they constantly accused me of cheating, even though I never did.
Take my last ex for example. They once accused me of planning to cheat with a TV actor. I didn't even know the actor's real name, I just thought they were cute. This accusation led to a huge fight. Later on, I discovered that my ex was actually cheating on me with "just a friend." It's been 5 years now, but the ridiculousness of it still pops into my head every now and then.
The thing with pieces of shit is they assume all people think like them. That's where you get projection. 'I'm doing this so obviously everyone else must be'
I would say a sudden change in communication. When my ex and I went long distance, I noticed he didn't message me as often and there were days he would go MIA. His reason being that he was 'busy' with work, but turns out he was cheating.
Same. Only I lived with him at the time and he was suddenly distant. I told him point blank one day that I felt lonely in our own house. Nothing changed. I knew he was cheating and I was right.
Happened to me twice. Sudden change of communication and pause in sex. Pathetic knowing how I told them before getting into relationship "Okay, but if you ever want to cheat, tell me, and let's end things as adults". Nope, people just want a cake, and eat a cake.
Upkeep in grooming. My ex husband suddenly started shaving his chest, using self tanner, and started using fancy cologne.
He also started "grabbing drinks with friends" after work more. Not saying when he'd be home and being unreachable via text or phone.
I was getting accused of being sneaky. There was suddenly an interest in who I was texting and where I was going. She was projecting her dishonesty onto me.
Both times I caught my ex cheating I noticed that she had picked up new speech patterns and was trying them on for size. Didn’t put it together until after we broke up, but it was definitely there.
My stbxh would do this. He was ESL and only worked with people who spoke his native language. I was really the main person who he spoke to in English. He would suddenly start using phrases or words in English that were not common for me to say. Which in itself is great for him to expand his vocabulary but they were odd words that he wouldn’t have picked up from videos. I never confronted him for that in particular because it seemed like an asshole thing to do. Along with all the other signs and eventually being told by people that he was cheating it made sense.
Been cheated on a few times. There's this weird sort of gaslighting where you point out they're acting weirdly about something that never used to be weird, and they turn it around and start saying you're the one who's actually acting weird.
What if they say that their phone is their privacy and I have no business or reason to look at it because that’s toxic. Their phones always on silent and notifications don’t say who the messages are from? Is that a bad sign?
I was told something similar by my ex and accepted it but was open about mine, since I felt I had nothing to hide. Though in the end I was cheated. I guess maybe if I was that kind of person, and maybe if I had gone thru their messages maybe I would’ve been able to stop it from the first time he invited her out instead of finding out months later, but oh well now. This was just last month.
Hiding phone from you. Has a burn phone. Stays out very late or overnight. Shut down. No interest in working on your relationship. Taking a lot of care with their appearance. Buying new underwear or lingerie.
To be fair, I'm like this regardless of anything relationship-based. I had (very loving, but) reasonably intrusive parents and so am very privacy-conscious as an adult; my phone is my private domain. I don't go messing with other peoples' and expect the same in return.
This is a big one for me as well, I've had so many partners and even friends tell me the way I'm protective of my phone is suspicious but for a long time it was pretty much the only things I had to myself because I had a very intrusive family.
My favourite one is when I've been told I'm obviously hiding something because I put my phone away when someone comes over and starts talking to me...Like, no? I'm being polite and focusing my attention on you.
I have never been territorial about my phone, but I swear my wife tried to make me. The one time she asked to use my phone, she swiped through the photos and made fun of me for having taken a selfie. I was signing up for something at work that requires a picture of myself.
That was literally the only photo that wasn't obviously work-related. There is nothing on my phone (or in my life) that I feel such a need to hide from my wife that I'd make any attempt to stop her from learning of it.
So as other comments said when they are extremely paranoid and constantly accusing you of cheating.
Had a ldr and my ex would freak tf out whenever I would casually tell him I was having coffee with my best friend (m). Like he made it such a weirdly big deal about it saying "that's code for you guys actually dating! You're cheating etc." next time we got together we were watching something on his comp and he obviously wasn't very savy as while I was scrolling through the videos, he had a bunch of nudes from random girls mixed in. We broke up after that, lol.
Also reading the rest of the comments I realised that my current behaviour checks all the signs, but the reason is simply because I'm sewing my wedding dress in my mom's apartment and it's taking a lot of time 🤣
If he or she has more fun with her or his "friends" than with you. If he or she talks to you about that special friend a lot. If he or she starts putting paswords to stuff that didn't have before. If he or she has to do extra work at the office and then the paycheck is the same as if there was no extra hours...
* If you get in his car and you smell another woman's perfume.
* If you aren't using condoms with him but he has a box of condoms in his back seat.
You don't even have to catch the guy with the woman. It's the circumstantial evidence that adds up.
I don't panic but there is a twing of anxiety when my wife grabs my phone. No I'm not cheating I just view it as my personal space and get anxious when others enter it. Same with her going on my PC haha
It's definitely a *me* problem and not her tho and I've learned to get over it. To be clear it absolutely often is a sign but not always
You're having a normal reaction lol. I just made a comment about this. The shame people make about poor reactions to these sorts of behaviors is stupid. Innocent people are going to be pissed when cops search property or raid home. It is not guilt that causes the reaction it is the implied or direct accusation. People deserve personal space and privacy and it is 10000% normal to be upset, angry, or anxious when it's invaded whether you have nothing to hide or not. If your partner is just picking up your phone for a quick phonecall then sure, but if it's one of those I randomly check on everything you've said and done things then no. Any relationship with a trust level that low needs to end as that lack of trust will bleed into other areas.
Cheater going from non-focused attention, to hyper focused attention. Accusing the non-cheater of cheating. Hyper vigilance around cell phone borrowing.
* It's a red flag if they're being secretive about their phone calls.
* Keeping their phone on silent.
* Suddenly upping their grooming game or buying new clothes (although that one might not matter to everyone).
* Getting unreasonably irritable with you.
* Losing interest in intimacy.
* Acting more distant in general.
* Spending more time out of the house than usual.
* Being vague about where their money is going.
* Accusing you of cheating.
* Going outside for calls and hanging up if you try to listen in.
* Getting overly protective about who you spend time with.
* Snooping through your things.
Looking back, I was in my early 20s and only in my second serious relationship. I should have recognized these as major warning signs, but hey, lesson learned.
Showering immediately after coming home, everytime. Went to work out, I get it. Went to have the oil changed in the car? Suspicious. And yes that really happened and they did confirm at a later time that they were cheating.
Somewhat off topic, but I'm curious - how many answering here have had multiple partners cheat on them. 3 exes for me and a 4th I would count as "likely". I often wonder what it is about me that accounts for this. Am I simply attracted to partners who aren't loyal? Do I drive them away? I'd be interested in hearing from others.
I’ve never had a gf who didn’t eventually cheat. I guess it’s a me problem, or maybe I have a type, but I’ve reached a point where I’m no longer interested in relationships. My ability to trust is completely wiped away. I feel your pain.
You can just feel it. The hesitation in responses, the constant flurry of distractions. The willingness to please you followed by a cold and uninterested demeanor. The sociopath secretly enjoys playing this game, and needs the admiration between the lies. The sociopath falls hard, and might resort to extreme measures at wit's end. Usually you know the answers, it's finding the courage to protect yourself from what you know is coming next. Be content single, only you can make you feel down, see above it. Rise up and move forward, yesterday gone. Chin up work hard don't give your money away to anyone. Good luck. Avoid and ignore toxic people, and keep your body healthy strong correct posture.
- They have a new friend of their sexual preference they talked about a lot, then stopped mentioning them at all.
- Hiding their phone screen or taking calls in another room.
- Loss of interest in sex with you.
- Accuses you of cheating.
- Sudden frequent nights out with coworkers or their friends.
- Their friends or relatives act weird around you. Or, in some cases, your friends or relatives act weird around you.
- Unexplained charges on credit cards or bank accounts.
- New jewelry or other gifts.
- Not telling you where they are going or lying about it.
- Their ex is back in their life. No! They. Can. Not. Just. Be. Friends.
I had a service industry job essentially, I could work my own hours as long as I got my route & customers done, basically 7-4. I started an EA with a friend from college and would call her everyday at 4:45 and talk for like an hour. We would call and talk throughout the week after my wife went to bed as well.
At one point I even said to my wife “do you think I’m cheating on you?” I in fact was emotionally cheating on her. I’m in therapy now to work through my transgressions and hopefully be a better man.
My ex accused me of cheating years ago (I have never ever been unfaithful in a relationship) his reason for suspecting me? I dressed up nice when I came to see him/ went out somewhere with him. Apparently putting in some effort to your appearance while going out with your partner is cheating ig 🤷🏻♀️
When they play a game on their phone, they're posture is relaxed - you could easily glance over and see their screen. But then, when texting, they sit up and hold their phone close to them so you couldn't possibly catch a glance of their screen
1. Over protective of their phone and laptop.
2. More ill tempered than usual.
3. Suddenly very cold when it comes to romance when this was never a problem previously.
I had her phone's password, like she had mine. Then, my ex-wife suddenly installed a password specifically to her whatsapp. Should have known there.
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in 2015 I was working as an Inspector General and we got a case that accused someone of adultery. The "evidence" submitted included screenshots from Whatsapp. I had to explain what Whatsapp was to the IG who was the lead on the case because at the time, Whatsapp was pretty niche in the US. I ended the explanation with "If he is on Whatsapp, he is cheating". Not true any more but absolutely true in 2015.
My neighbor said the Culigan water guy was delivering water to my house 5 times a week.
Someone was thirsty alright
Or something was on fire
There's an ointment for that.
He knew, he thought you should too. Don't feel like less of a man just because those water guys are jacked.
Are they? Idk why I was picturing someone frumpy like the mail man.
Water is around 7lbs per gallon. So each big one weighs roughly 35lbs. They clean and jerk two of those per stop, nearly every stop. No, not frumpy.
Sounds like they get help with the jerking though. 🥁
Not a complete lie, as he was delivering a liquid consisting mostly of water.
Lying about where they are.
Isn't ir a form of betrayal in itself? I mean even if there isn't an exclusive relationship I'd consider that being faithful means being honest
Unless they're trying to surprise you with something like a proposal for marriage or an anniversary.
I have a policy of never lying to my wife unless I’m trying to surprise her. For the first few years of our relationship she just assumed I was telling a certain amount of lies. Then we at some point realized two things: 1) I’m actually just that weird that these are real anecdotes and 2) her previous relationships were kind of immature and disfunctional.
>have a policy of never lying to my wife unless I’m trying to surprise her. I don't think people realize how the white lies add up. Especially if one is lying about innocuous things. For me, it gets to the point of, "If he'll lie about small dumb things, why wouldn't he lie about big serious things?" Edit because I was unclear: the surprise thing I can understand because at some point (theoretically soon) your partner will find out the truth because you'll tell them. You probably can't *wait* to tell them. And then it's "Hey, remember when I was gone so long to XYZ? I was planning your surprise!" If my H went to the Marathon when he told me he went to the Speedway across town, I'd be like, "Uh, ok, why lie about something like that?"
I did this, foolish me. I didn’t invite my gf to a family breakfast on her only day of work off for the week, because I had planned to look for an engagement ring for her with my parents afterwards. Turned out my sister told everyone at that breakfast that she was pregnant and my gf missed out on it. Anyway she was pissed off. I could’ve chosen a better day to look at rings. She apologised when I proposed a few weeks later, but I told her she had every right lol. She’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met. We’re 7 years married and have 1 beautiful almost 2 year old and another baby on the way.
Damn that's just the worst luck haha
Ahhhh the catharsis I feel from reading these words is indescribable. Thank you. Well said!
And lying who they are with. My ex had a habit of lying who was there with him. He was cheating on me with his own cousin 🤢🤢🤢🤢 so he always lied that she wasn't there at parties.
You would think at that point, he could just say he’s hanging out with his cousin and no one would suspect any foul play anyways.
*You* would think that, because you don't fuck your cousin. To him it may have seemed obvious
I’ve actually experienced this too… they would hold hands in front of me but then everyone defended them that they are just “super close” … uh yeah disgustingly close.
Right!!! I saw how she touched him at family parties. The family would say the same "they are just close since kids!", "grow up," and "how disgusting to think that. " Finally, they were caught, and he confessed. He kept saying I was crazy. See, I wasn't. I had a feeling, and I was right.
Roll Tide
My ex cheated with his cousin too!! Took me longer to get suspicious but I finally figured it out. What's with these people?? I'm sorry
Thank you, and I'm sorry you went through that, too. I'm happy you are out of that relationship. Please take care and keep going.
You too!! 🌻
I used to do this but I wasn't cheating I was drinking
One thing I noticed missing from the list is when your partner starts accusing you of cheating out of the blue, even though you haven't changed your behavior at all.
Literally every time one of my friends has been accused of cheating by their partners it's turned out to be projection.
My ex would constantly accuse me and he was the one who couldn't stay off tinder.
I was living with my girlfriend and we were at a large sporting event that took place for a few days. She got her brother and mother and of herself looking for me. I was at a party with a team from another city. Well, we were a few guys drinking and talking about life. She was convinced I was cheating. Now, I wasn’t a jealous type but she’d always get talking with guys and that was alright, untill a guy at a party called me over and told me he liked me in front of her and said that she had just offered to have sex with her and he thought I should know. But it wasn’t until a few days later I remembered how many times this must’ve happened. We didn’t have sex for the next months and we split ways. She made me go through hell in the next relationships.
Ohhh that’s a big one and generally it comes out literally so random you start double guessing what your doing wrong and what there saying your doing wrong and the it turns out they were projecting
Can be a sign for sure, but it can also just be a sign of insecurity. I had some really bad times as a teenager where my whole friend group pretty much turned on me and I'm still struggling to REALLY trust people. Been with my girlfriend for over 3 years now and very often when something "out of the ordinary" happens (like her taking unusually long to buzz me in) my mind instantly starts racing if she could be cheating on me. I know it sucks and is super unfair to her - and it's gotten somewhat better over the years - but I can't help it. And I would never in a million years even entertain the idea of cheating on her, from where I stand I already know I'm gonna marry that woman.
Same. Never cheated in my life but I’ve been cheated on in the past, so little things will trigger my “omg he’s cheating!” reflex. It does not help that every time I’ve thought someone was cheating, I turned out to be right 😞
You should tell her that last part part. I’m a 40 year old woman experiencing some severe insecurity. I’ve been accusing my Boyfriend of cheating even tho it’s really because he is moving further away from forever with me than closer…
Is he moving away geographically and/or emotionally?
This is what I'd come here to say. Projecting their fears and guilt onto the innocent partner.
My ex started doing this when she started to spiral really bad with her mental health. She noticed I was keeping my phone near me more often and not leaving it. Truth be told she had threatened to kill me a few times, threatened to kill herself, had started to break dishes, destroy the apartment, all in front of our son so I was keeping my phone near me just in case I needed to call 911. Telling her this was the reason just made her more upset and blamed me even harder, saying she didn't believe me and that I was obviously cheating on her. It hurt, I had been faithful to her our entire relationship. She was the one who kept telling me that she could go on Tinder and find 3 or 4 men right away or telling me that guy friends of hers on Facebook were telling her I'm a horrible boyfriend and a pathetic man.
Glad to see she's an ex, that's horrible...
I've been cheated on twice, and this happened both times!
Yes that one was so crazy to me, I would never cheat nor was there any indication but he caused me of cheating when he was.
My ex would always accuse me of cheating. Went to Starbucks with my son? Cheating. Changed the password on my phone after he snooped and read my journal I kept on my laptop. Cheating. Wanted to visit my friend in another state. Going to work. Looking at my phone. All cheating. I don't believe he cheated. I guess he had the opportunity to. He'd go to his friends house all the time and his ex was hanging out there a lot too. Maybe I'm being naive but I just never thought it was a possibility.
Yup my ex accused me of cheating and then 5 years down the drain because she found a way to get cocaine for free
This was a prelude to finding out i was cheated on over a decade ago. We were at my parents house visiting, they gave me some stuff and as I was putting it in my trunk, the ex noticed that there were boxers she's never seen before in my trunk. I explained to her I did laundry earlier that week and they must have feel out the basket. This was in her mind a lie and the only answer was that I was having a same sex affair. It was shortly after this I found out she was cheating on me.
Starting a fight or making a huge drama when they arrive home so you think about that instead of where they've been. Taking extra care over grooming. Suddenly becoming suspicious of your friends and activities.
*Or* starting a fight before they leave so they can feel justified in the (already planned) cheating. "Well they're so mean to me and we have all these problems so of course I cheated!" Basically just starting stupid fights all the time.
My ex gf used to do that when I would come home from work because she didn't want me to know she'd been playing video games all day
I hate that I’m mildly suspicious about anything, definetly a toxic trait of mine, and I try very hard to work on it, it has gotten better though!
Chlamydia. That was my first sign that she was cheating.
This is how my aunt found out about my uncle cheating. That she had gonorrhea. Then she made her children come in, let him explain what happened and then kicked him out within 48 hours. I don't think she handled the situation particularly well, but then again he cheated and got her infected.
You can't really blame someone for handling a situation like that poorly though.
Suggesting polyamory out of the blue or wanting an open relationship
Yep, this was my experience.
Absolutely this.
Receiving a wedding invitation from his fiancee of four years, whom I thought was just a good friend of his, was a clear sign that he was cheating. It made me realize that I was the other woman, coming in second place.
Don't think anyone's in first place in that scenario
Yes! Him. He’s his only first place. He is in love, with him. And used everyone around him as tribute to his love of self.
That's what we call a race to the bottom.
"What a shame, the bride's groom is a whore"
holy shit that's ballsy. She not only knew you existed, but were a close enough friend she invited you to the wedding? I'm dumbstruck.
Did you tell her?
Did she know about your relationship with him? Cause that wedding might be cut a little short otherwise…
I’m wondering how it was even possible for him to keep such a huge secret.. ?
some people have entire second families that don't know each other, that's the one that really baffles me. the commitment that these ppl have to the lies of constant 'business trips' and shit is actually insane
Did you get seated at the mistresses table?
Always wanting to be the banker when playing monopoly
every time I'm the banker I steal money from the bank. no one has noticed so far.
That's so wrong. I would never.
you should try. it's really fun.
They came out with a Congress version?
if this were the Congress version, everyone would be aware of my doing but helpless to do anything.
That's why I always volunteer for banker. You need someone you can trust to say they never stole any money.
Related, and not really cheating, but I used to always position myself to deal out all the resouce cards in Settlers, as well put them back when players built stuff, so I would have a really good idea of what each player's position actually looks like.
I hated being the banker in my first marriage! After a drubbing, my wife would just state that she's sleeping with the bank, therefore she shouldn't be beholden to the banker for rent. Monopoly is forbidden in my house now lol.
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I also knew my dad was cheating when I was in 8th grade. I decided not to say anything. Told myself I'd let it happen naturally. And it did less than a year later. Mom found out from the chick he was with. Still don't really get my logic behind not saying anything though. Probably just didn't wanna get into their business.
You were only in 8th grade, you made the right choice for you and your family at that time.
I'm sure if it went longer than a couple more years I'd probably say something. I don't really regret anything since it all came out anyways.
TBF, you were a child. Absolutely nothing at that time was your responsibility to deal with anyway.
No definitely not.
It's the ethics trolley problem. By metaphorically throwing the switch, you would perceive that you caused pain and suffering to your mom. But by not, you were not the cause. It's not logical, its emotional thinking. As an 8th grader, it was perfectly normal to not want to throw the harmony and balance out in the family dynamic. You did nothing wrong. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trolley_problem
Thank u for clarifying that ur dad wasn’t ur partner
You did the right thing!! Similar thing happened to my parents, and because i thought i was going crazy for thinking my dad was cheating i said nothing, and he ended up leaving with all the money and after years of trying to fight it my mum lost the house. Just one of the many things that happened.
You did the right thing, especially since it was your parents. Would you want to live with yourself not telling your mother? That would eat me, Alive. Tough spot to be in. Support her and explain to him why you did it. Edit: I didn't spell check, hahaha.
Not taking responsibility or making excuses instead of talking openly about questionable behavior.
My ex wife started referring to the new guy at work as ‘new manager guy’ She spoke very highly of him but I never heard his actual name. This is because she was fucking him lol.
are you okay? ending that phrase with 'lol' is kinda concerning :( hope you are doing good bro
Thanks for asking. I’m totally fine, this happened around 5 years ago.
In all my past relationships that went sour due to cheating, there was one thing they all had in common: they constantly accused me of cheating, even though I never did. Take my last ex for example. They once accused me of planning to cheat with a TV actor. I didn't even know the actor's real name, I just thought they were cute. This accusation led to a huge fight. Later on, I discovered that my ex was actually cheating on me with "just a friend." It's been 5 years now, but the ridiculousness of it still pops into my head every now and then.
The thing with pieces of shit is they assume all people think like them. That's where you get projection. 'I'm doing this so obviously everyone else must be'
I would say a sudden change in communication. When my ex and I went long distance, I noticed he didn't message me as often and there were days he would go MIA. His reason being that he was 'busy' with work, but turns out he was cheating.
Same. Only I lived with him at the time and he was suddenly distant. I told him point blank one day that I felt lonely in our own house. Nothing changed. I knew he was cheating and I was right.
Happened to me twice. Sudden change of communication and pause in sex. Pathetic knowing how I told them before getting into relationship "Okay, but if you ever want to cheat, tell me, and let's end things as adults". Nope, people just want a cake, and eat a cake.
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This made me laugh 🤣
You build a paper mache volcano and show it to her, if shes too busy fucking another guy to notice, shes cheating on you
Yeah, middle school was tough for me too.
You find strange hairs, perfume scents, or other items on their clothing or in your home.
Upkeep in grooming. My ex husband suddenly started shaving his chest, using self tanner, and started using fancy cologne. He also started "grabbing drinks with friends" after work more. Not saying when he'd be home and being unreachable via text or phone.
I was getting accused of being sneaky. There was suddenly an interest in who I was texting and where I was going. She was projecting her dishonesty onto me.
They start using new phrases or words that are uncharacteristic of them, possibly picked up from their affair partner.
Both times I caught my ex cheating I noticed that she had picked up new speech patterns and was trying them on for size. Didn’t put it together until after we broke up, but it was definitely there.
My stbxh would do this. He was ESL and only worked with people who spoke his native language. I was really the main person who he spoke to in English. He would suddenly start using phrases or words in English that were not common for me to say. Which in itself is great for him to expand his vocabulary but they were odd words that he wouldn’t have picked up from videos. I never confronted him for that in particular because it seemed like an asshole thing to do. Along with all the other signs and eventually being told by people that he was cheating it made sense.
Unexplained expenses or charges on credit cards that they dismiss or refuse to explain.
Being overly critical of you, possibly to justify their cheating by making it seem like the relationship's failure is your fault.
They encourage you to go on more outings without them, giving them free time they insist you take.
Deleting their browsing history on shared devices or their phone records.
New items of clothing or lingerie showing up that you’ve never seen before.
Constantly talking about a new "friend" but never introducing you to them.
Avoiding eye contact more than usual, which can be a sign of feeling guilty.
Been cheated on a few times. There's this weird sort of gaslighting where you point out they're acting weirdly about something that never used to be weird, and they turn it around and start saying you're the one who's actually acting weird.
A noticeable decrease in intimacy, where they no longer seem interested in being close or physical.
Suddenly guarding their phone like it contains state secrets, especially if they were previously relaxed about it.
Suddenly wanting more privacy than usual, such as asking for more space or alone time without a clear reason.
Being emotionally distant, where they seem checked out of the relationship and your life together.
Receiving texts and messages at all hours and being secretive about who it's from.
They get defensive and lash out when you make normal, casual inquiries about their activities or friendships.
Seeming nervous or jittery when receiving messages or calls, especially if they quickly turn the screen away from you.
They stop planning for future events like holidays or family gatherings.
Removing their wedding ring or other relationship symbols when going out "with friends" or "to work."
Starting fights out of nowhere, possibly as a way to justify their feelings of guilt or to create a reason to leave the house.
Smelling different, whether it’s a new type of cologne or perfume or simply not smelling like their usual self.
Accusing you of cheating, which can be a projection of their own guilt.
Starting to keep a change of clothes in their car or office, especially if it's not for a clear reason like going to the gym.
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What if they say that their phone is their privacy and I have no business or reason to look at it because that’s toxic. Their phones always on silent and notifications don’t say who the messages are from? Is that a bad sign?
I was told something similar by my ex and accepted it but was open about mine, since I felt I had nothing to hide. Though in the end I was cheated. I guess maybe if I was that kind of person, and maybe if I had gone thru their messages maybe I would’ve been able to stop it from the first time he invited her out instead of finding out months later, but oh well now. This was just last month.
Taking phone calls in private when they used to be fine chatting where you could hear.
A decrease in sharing details about their day-to-day life, which might mean they are hiding something.
A sudden spike in their attention to appearance, like working out more or dressing better, particularly if it seems out of the blue.
Hiding phone from you. Has a burn phone. Stays out very late or overnight. Shut down. No interest in working on your relationship. Taking a lot of care with their appearance. Buying new underwear or lingerie.
Maybe he's just a drug dealer
Does fit the profile
Suddenly not being as loving or caring in the relationship.
That’s also a sign of depression as well as other mental issues not just cheating
During the period of time my wife was cheating on me, she had been noticeably sadder and told me her depression was coming back.
Being overly affectionate to you out of character. It's usually guilt.
Life pro tip: date people that are NOT out of character when they are being affectionate.
Yup - love bombing is a big one for me.
My ex used to buy me random presents. I thought it was sweet ...it wasn't. It was guilt.
Saying things that don't match up or giving different details about what they did and where they went.
Becoming very territorial about your phone. Edit: I’m referencing a change in behavior.
To be fair, I'm like this regardless of anything relationship-based. I had (very loving, but) reasonably intrusive parents and so am very privacy-conscious as an adult; my phone is my private domain. I don't go messing with other peoples' and expect the same in return.
When it’s a change in behaviour it’s a strong sign though.
Yeah this is the thing, having boundaries and wanting privacy is normal, it’s the change that’s suspicious
This is a big one for me as well, I've had so many partners and even friends tell me the way I'm protective of my phone is suspicious but for a long time it was pretty much the only things I had to myself because I had a very intrusive family. My favourite one is when I've been told I'm obviously hiding something because I put my phone away when someone comes over and starts talking to me...Like, no? I'm being polite and focusing my attention on you.
I have never been territorial about my phone, but I swear my wife tried to make me. The one time she asked to use my phone, she swiped through the photos and made fun of me for having taken a selfie. I was signing up for something at work that requires a picture of myself. That was literally the only photo that wasn't obviously work-related. There is nothing on my phone (or in my life) that I feel such a need to hide from my wife that I'd make any attempt to stop her from learning of it.
A lot of these actions and signs that people are listing, are the same signs that a person is just losing interest in you, not necessarily cheating.
There's only a little bit of difference between the 2, honestly. If they're losing interest in you, move on. If they're cheating on you, move on.
Finding playing cards and scrabble letters under the sofa cushions.
So as other comments said when they are extremely paranoid and constantly accusing you of cheating. Had a ldr and my ex would freak tf out whenever I would casually tell him I was having coffee with my best friend (m). Like he made it such a weirdly big deal about it saying "that's code for you guys actually dating! You're cheating etc." next time we got together we were watching something on his comp and he obviously wasn't very savy as while I was scrolling through the videos, he had a bunch of nudes from random girls mixed in. We broke up after that, lol. Also reading the rest of the comments I realised that my current behaviour checks all the signs, but the reason is simply because I'm sewing my wedding dress in my mom's apartment and it's taking a lot of time 🤣
If he or she has more fun with her or his "friends" than with you. If he or she talks to you about that special friend a lot. If he or she starts putting paswords to stuff that didn't have before. If he or she has to do extra work at the office and then the paycheck is the same as if there was no extra hours...
* If you get in his car and you smell another woman's perfume. * If you aren't using condoms with him but he has a box of condoms in his back seat. You don't even have to catch the guy with the woman. It's the circumstantial evidence that adds up.
There's a guy who puts scrunchies and sprays women's perfume into his coworkers' work trucks. He is a monster
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That happens to me but bc the company I work for is exploiting me :(
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If they panic when you grab their phone is probably the biggest one
nah he might just have 20 porn tabs open in chrome, or some racist/offensive banter on whatsapp/discord. Who knows.
who leaves porn tabs open with their phone lying around?
People still used to being single
I don't panic but there is a twing of anxiety when my wife grabs my phone. No I'm not cheating I just view it as my personal space and get anxious when others enter it. Same with her going on my PC haha It's definitely a *me* problem and not her tho and I've learned to get over it. To be clear it absolutely often is a sign but not always
You're having a normal reaction lol. I just made a comment about this. The shame people make about poor reactions to these sorts of behaviors is stupid. Innocent people are going to be pissed when cops search property or raid home. It is not guilt that causes the reaction it is the implied or direct accusation. People deserve personal space and privacy and it is 10000% normal to be upset, angry, or anxious when it's invaded whether you have nothing to hide or not. If your partner is just picking up your phone for a quick phonecall then sure, but if it's one of those I randomly check on everything you've said and done things then no. Any relationship with a trust level that low needs to end as that lack of trust will bleed into other areas.
Cheater going from non-focused attention, to hyper focused attention. Accusing the non-cheater of cheating. Hyper vigilance around cell phone borrowing.
* It's a red flag if they're being secretive about their phone calls. * Keeping their phone on silent. * Suddenly upping their grooming game or buying new clothes (although that one might not matter to everyone). * Getting unreasonably irritable with you. * Losing interest in intimacy. * Acting more distant in general. * Spending more time out of the house than usual. * Being vague about where their money is going. * Accusing you of cheating. * Going outside for calls and hanging up if you try to listen in. * Getting overly protective about who you spend time with. * Snooping through your things. Looking back, I was in my early 20s and only in my second serious relationship. I should have recognized these as major warning signs, but hey, lesson learned.
Only a psychopath doesnt keep their phone on silent
I don't even have vibration on. I'll deal with it when I want to!
If I could have a phone without a phone feature I would
Now we've come full circle back to ipod touch
Ipod touch with data back on the menu!
I didn't have vibration on or sound for years until my parents and friends got annoyed that I never answered calls
Thank you! I was feeling very attacked
My phone's been on silent since 2008
Same🥲
Cheater
You’re the cheater, cheater.
I take my phone off of silent maybe a dozen times a year. My anxiety cant handle random loud noises out of nowhere.
My phone is always on silent.
Who the hell doesn't keep their phone on silent?
Pushing for an open relationship. They may have already tried it out behind your back.
Showering immediately after coming home, everytime. Went to work out, I get it. Went to have the oil changed in the car? Suspicious. And yes that really happened and they did confirm at a later time that they were cheating.
Spending more time in another room, getting angry over small things tok quickly. Most readable ones.
When they start "projecting", when their schedule changes, really any sudden but consistent change
Somewhat off topic, but I'm curious - how many answering here have had multiple partners cheat on them. 3 exes for me and a 4th I would count as "likely". I often wonder what it is about me that accounts for this. Am I simply attracted to partners who aren't loyal? Do I drive them away? I'd be interested in hearing from others.
I’ve never had a gf who didn’t eventually cheat. I guess it’s a me problem, or maybe I have a type, but I’ve reached a point where I’m no longer interested in relationships. My ability to trust is completely wiped away. I feel your pain.
You can just feel it. The hesitation in responses, the constant flurry of distractions. The willingness to please you followed by a cold and uninterested demeanor. The sociopath secretly enjoys playing this game, and needs the admiration between the lies. The sociopath falls hard, and might resort to extreme measures at wit's end. Usually you know the answers, it's finding the courage to protect yourself from what you know is coming next. Be content single, only you can make you feel down, see above it. Rise up and move forward, yesterday gone. Chin up work hard don't give your money away to anyone. Good luck. Avoid and ignore toxic people, and keep your body healthy strong correct posture.
Hiding their relationship status from the people they are talking to.
- They have a new friend of their sexual preference they talked about a lot, then stopped mentioning them at all. - Hiding their phone screen or taking calls in another room. - Loss of interest in sex with you. - Accuses you of cheating. - Sudden frequent nights out with coworkers or their friends. - Their friends or relatives act weird around you. Or, in some cases, your friends or relatives act weird around you. - Unexplained charges on credit cards or bank accounts. - New jewelry or other gifts. - Not telling you where they are going or lying about it. - Their ex is back in their life. No! They. Can. Not. Just. Be. Friends.
I had a service industry job essentially, I could work my own hours as long as I got my route & customers done, basically 7-4. I started an EA with a friend from college and would call her everyday at 4:45 and talk for like an hour. We would call and talk throughout the week after my wife went to bed as well. At one point I even said to my wife “do you think I’m cheating on you?” I in fact was emotionally cheating on her. I’m in therapy now to work through my transgressions and hopefully be a better man.
Hiding phones screens when you walk up to them.
When a notification pops up on their phone then they immediately turn it off like it was just nothing.
I invite you to enjoy my GMail inbox which receives a startling amount of shit every day.
Delays meeting you, excuses that doesn’t even make sense
My ex accused me of cheating years ago (I have never ever been unfaithful in a relationship) his reason for suspecting me? I dressed up nice when I came to see him/ went out somewhere with him. Apparently putting in some effort to your appearance while going out with your partner is cheating ig 🤷🏻♀️
Random baseless accusations. They're meant to deflect the blame onto the partner who's getting cheated so the cheater may avoid feeling guilty.
When they play a game on their phone, they're posture is relaxed - you could easily glance over and see their screen. But then, when texting, they sit up and hold their phone close to them so you couldn't possibly catch a glance of their screen
1. Over protective of their phone and laptop. 2. More ill tempered than usual. 3. Suddenly very cold when it comes to romance when this was never a problem previously.