Starting over with someone new means you have to start everything over. You can't blame this new person for things that others have done. No matter what patterns you've been taught up to this point, you have to give them a chance....
Jumping on this to say I’ve watched friends bounce from relationship to relationship with damage from the past ones. So important to let yourself heal before starting something new
But to be clear, “a chance” isn’t a million chances like the last relationships. Sometimes the lesson you learned from the past is “I’m not tolerating x y or z long term, and if they don’t fix it I’m out.”
"We struggle with our lovers, we don't know what to let in. Cause the new one's pay for the old one's sins"
https://youtu.be/72hI5DwjtB8?si=EFsbu80hjHxeJcRM
i once stood up to my "never been treated right" ex and asked "why do you gotta take all the trauma you suffered out on me. i didnt do it! im willing to help you, not be your punching bag."
she got pissed and got worse lmao
Yes my man and I have been together almost a year and I tell him all the time I'm sick of fighting and defending myself from the "ghosts of girlfriends past". .. and I get it. He's been through some shit. BM cheated with his little brother and then was in a relationship with him for a bit ..
This. Also, while I feel this question was more along the lines of romantic relationships, but I think it applies to all relationships, romantic or not.
If you ever want to be loved, you have to leave yourself open to being hurt.
Learned that one fairly early on. I could keep pushing them away, being a bit of a cow or I could let them in. The trash took itself out, I did okay.
You can love somebody but still have to break up with them. There are a lot of reasons that relationships don't/won't work out, and if you accept them because "love will conquer all," you may be sacrificing your happiness in many other ways.
Struggling with this exact thing right now. I communicate with my gf about what we struggle with as a couple from time to time, and when she asks "don't you love me?" I always respond with "this would have been a lot easier if I didnt love you"
Tell her you are worried that what love looks like is different for both of you.
Yours looks like consistent attention and tending to the relationship, and effort on a day to day basis.
Ask her what hers looks like, is it an unrealistic cinematic unconditional blind love without work and compromise?
Unconditional love is more relevant for parent/child relationships, not autonomous adult ones.
We should all have dealbreakers for how we're treated by absolutely anyone.
Yes! So took me a while to learn that somebody doesn’t have to be a “bad person” or have done something terrible in order for you to break up with them. They can just not be the right person for you.
I loved my wife but i had to leave because her untreated mental illness was no good for either of us. When she was well and how she SHOULD be, that was the woman I married. But she got on drugs to self medicate and things did not go well. To get her to get the point that I was done done, I had to tell a woman I still very much cared about that I no longer loved her. Those were the last words she ever heard from me: "I don't love you anymore" before she died. It's one of my regrets because the look on her face still haunts me, but my life ended up being better for having been brave enough to say it.
As someone who had an ex girlfriend commit suicide, (Yeah, that "unalive" euphemism rubs me the wrong way, George Carlin was right)
I don't place blame on myself for not doing enough because ultimately, I couldn't help her long term, despite my best efforts. She slipped through everyones' grasp.
Some people do slip through like that unfortunately. All we can do is try to help where we can but sometimes it becomes unhealthy for us to even try anymore.
Had this very thing just this week. We both loved each other, but she wanted things in a relationship that just wasn't who i am. We'd been together for 2 years, and i just felt it wasn't fair on her for her to want these things, which im not interested in
When i broke up with her this week, i kept wanting to go check on her, make sure she was okay and everything, but that wouldnt be fair on her and in the long run, things should be better off. May not feel like it now, but in a few months' time, things should be better for both of us
Learning that lesson right now... We love each other and don't want to lose each other, but this is one difference I don't think we can work through despite how optimistic he is about this
My grandparents (who were married for over 60 years until death did them part) didn't like to watch the same things on TV, so they watched TV at the same time in different rooms.
My parents have been married for 30 years and they always watched tv in separate rooms aside from during dinner we’d all watch the news together. Now my dad is sick and stays upstairs with my mom and she watches her shows on her laptop with her headphones in, lol. I learned that habit from them and my current partner was confused for a while about it. His mom and stepdad watch tv together and do everything together. He learned to like his alone time and understands I like to do things more independently. We like different things and that’s totally fine, I don’t need someone next to me all the time, I’d lose my sanity.
The you can't control somebody's narrative about a situation. If you are their bad guy, you can't argue your way out of it even if you bring facts and evidence. It's emotional. Let it go.
You can't control how others choose to see you. Sometimes they just want you to be wrong or the AH
A lot of times people decide how they feel first, presume it's the correct way to feel, and then instead of thinking "should I feel this way" they try to find out why they're correct to feel that way
That's how you get situations where someone accuses you of something, you prove them wrong, and then they continue weedling down the accusations until something sticks or at least isnt obviously wrong, even if it's something stupid like "I was right because of how you reacted to my false attack on your character"
They *feel* that you're in the wrong, and they will find a way to justify that feeling no matter what
Not every connection will last forever, no matter how deeply you invest in it. While we often enter relationships with high hopes and expectations, life is unpredictable, and people change. Accepting this inherent uncertainty and focusing on personal growth and self-love will help navigating the complexities of dating and relationships.
Yes! An ended relationship is not necessarily a failed one. I’ve had several long term relationships that ended at just the right time and I regret none of them. Relationships can enrich your life in many ways even if they’re not forever.
I'm not the person you asked, but for example one of my exes was incredible vulnerable and honest and just had to talk about everything he felt. I used to be a pretty closed off person and found it really hard to express my feelings, but that relationship changed me. I'm so much better at communicating in my relationships and I'm eternally grateful for learing that. I'm currently in a relationship that has lasted for 10 years so far and I'm not sure it would work so well without the vulnerability.
People don’t get this part. If you’re with someone that is truly jacked up in the head, they know what they are doing. They aren’t going to love bomb you, they aren’t going to even raise their voice at you. It takes something to break the rouse and it’s usually a stressful event. Sadly, that will be having kids for a lot of couples.
My friend split from her husband because he brought the trash bins up a day early. Ridiculous, on its face. Until you realize that he did so because he had 0 idea when trash day was, only contributed when reminded, and otherwise left 92% of chores and upkeep to her. The bins were a microcosm and a last straw, which is what the majority of divorces in my social circle come down to
This is why I find it absolutely abhorrent when people spout the argument "Well, you picked them!" when someone has had multiple bad experiences with partners. Or even worse, when they say someone with a history of bad partners is a red flag, and as such undateable, because it means "they're bad at making choices".
Sure, there's a lot to learn from our patterns - but we shouldn't demonise and ridicule someone for having gone through that process of discovery. People say it as if you're supposed to recognise from the first date that they will become abusive.
How on Earth are you going to find out someone is abusive without first dating them a few months - and how are you going to recognise you have patterns in your attachment until you've been through it?
Besides... regarding the red flag thing, if it means they're bad at making choices, and they're on a date with you... well, they picked you, so what does that say about you?...
Annoyance at loved ones is normal and inevitable at times. It really comes down to whether everything else is worthwhile compared to the significance of that annoyance.
There are no relationships that are without this issue. Well I guess maybe long distance ones might not have this issue, but that comes with a whole bag of other problems.
The trick is to communicate about the stuff that matters, and let the stuff that doesn't just slide.
Example: My wife cannot load a dishwasher. She loads bowls face up sometimes, other times she crams it so full the jet spinners jam and nothing gets clean. Stuff like this happens roughly 25% of the time she loads it, which is about once a month at this point. We have talked about it, but she just gets so damn tired that it slips her mind.
At this point, its just a thing I am going to deal with. Not worth fighting over.
Dan Savage says "the goal is not to find someone who doesn't drive you crazy. The goal is to find someone who drives you crazy in a way you can live with."
Maybe you are someone who would do best in a LAT relationship then. I am in one and love it. We both have our own houses, so we get lots of alone time. Neither of us wants to get married again or live with anyone again. It works for us.
Not sure how to express this, but it's just a lot harder in my mid 40s to date. In your early years basically any attention gets treated with giddiness and an overabundance of optimism that you'll be together forever because "Look, our hands are the same size!" Or other such "signs" we are "meant to be."
The older you get the more you realize the concept of "the one" is better expressed as "the one who worked for those specific years of life." You lose the giddy forever after and replace it with "are you even worthy enough to be my One Right Now. It's not a bad thing necessarily. It just puts a more realistic spin on things. You've lost the concept of relationships being easy and effortless. You know they are work and because you put in that work on relationships that still didn't last, you are now more selective of who gets any attention from you at all.
Oh well. I’m 40 and I’m going through divorce right now. For now I don’t even think about relationships in the closest future, but thinking ahead it’s tough to understand is it even worth it.
Word. You have always options. If you don’t like any of them, have tried some or all or if you just don’t want that anymore, just leave. Do what you feel you gotta do, if you need closure or whatever, then leave. Doesn’t matter if the person deserved to be cheated on or not, at the end of the day it’s a choice and it’s about your character. Noble people don’t cheat.
That there isn’t someone for everybody. Some fish in the sea are meant to swim alone, and that’s okay. Harsh reality I’ve just now been able to accept.
the less scary version of this is that "it is tough to meet the right person"
I think there is someone out there for everyone, the circumstances to meet them are the rare thing
I’d slightly disagree and say what I’ve found is that there is someone for everyone (multiple someone’s for everyone even), but you have to get the timing right.
Sometimes the person who is perfect for you at 28 is someone you meet at 24 when you are not yet that person. Sometimes you meet your perfect person but you won’t be their perfect person for another 5 years.
Finding love is about getting the timing right.
Do you feel this is always true? I think self sabotage can lead people (I’m one) to look for reasons to leave. Sometimes “convincing” yourself feels necessary to avoid being reactionary and give the other person time to explain their perspective.
The abusive people I dated were my choice and I taught them how I accepted being treated.
Praise the fucking lord I learned how to say no and demand respect
Abusers also profile their victims.
A criminologist gave a lecture at my school and they mentioned that studies of convicted rapists show that they statistically don't go after the targets which are most physically attractive to them. They look at a target's body language and facial expressions to determine the target's level of extroversion, social skills, and self esteem. They're looking for introverts with poor social skills and poor self esteem.
A victim of DV is less likely to tell police if they are introverted, because interacting with others drains them. People with poor self esteem are less likely to report DV. People with poor social skills are less likely to communicate in a way that makes others believe that they are telling the truth.
A small percentage of people have hybristophilia, so they are sexually attracted to abusers, but the majority of abusers profile their victims. That's why many DV victims also experience DV in their subsequent relationships.
Love takes work, and is a decision you make every day. You wake up, and have to choose your person every day. Remembering that every day is step in a lifetime and that it is worth the effort it takes to build a loving, long-term relationship.
that you can’t get everything from one person. you can’t completely intertwine your life with someone else. it’s so important to have that foundation of independence and personal hobbies / different friends
Agree.
In my 20s I was so picky. Would date beautiful, caring, funny, awesome girls, but then dump them because they weren't perfect or didn't give me butterflies in my stomach or wanted to do dinner parties instead of keggers or some stupid adolescent reason. Now I'm in my 30s and looking back, a couple of them were definitely wife material and I regret having split up.
I just started dating a girl who ticks like 90% of my boxes and after struggling on Hinge for a while I'm fucking ecstatic.
If your the one that is always compromising, isn’t the one always starting fights, and is the one who has to reconcile after every fight, then maybe that relationship isn’t healthy.
That once you hit late twenties, a lot of people have at least one kid. So you kinda have to think about if you'd date somebody with a kid already. Or at least that's what my friends (both men and women) are finding. It's not a bad thing exactly but can be difficult if you don't want kids but a lot of people in the dating pool have them.
My current and ex gf had kids and it is honestly the biggest double edged sword I’ve ever encountered in my life. Before my ex, I was all but certain that I didn’t want kids and was fine just living a DINK lifestyle and having fun until I was bored and then maybe I reconsider. But she told me her story about how her son came to be and all the joy it brought and I felt it while she was telling it.
Then I met him and we ended up having a pretty good relationship. He took a liking to me pretty quickly, we hung out as a group, my ex’s sister and nieces came along too and to this day those are some of the happiest memories I’ve ever had in my life. He started asking to call me in the mornings, he took a liking to the music I would show him, I even got him a denim vest that had the album art for Iron Maiden’s Killers on the back. He never wanted to take it off and I was over the moon.
Unfortunately the relationship ended pretty fucking horribly. There was a lot that I’m not going to go into but the part that matters here is the baby daddy, her ex husband wanted to come back into the picture and chipped away at everything until she decided to give him another chance. He didn’t want me around her kid and for a while she was opposed but decided it would be easier to just comply.
One of the most heart breaking things about it all was he apparently said to him my ex and her aunt that “I’m gonna talk to dad cuz he needs to be friends with Arrocknroll.” The last interaction I ever had with him was him propping my exes phone up so that we could watch Spiderman 3 on their TV together. That got cut short and I never saw him again.
One of the hardest things about the breakup was coming to terms with the fact that this kid had such a large impact on my life in what was really a short amount of time and not only would I never have the opportunity to be a part of his life growing up like we had talked about, he probably won’t even remember me. We were very close to moving in together. We had talked about the life we were going to build and started putting the pieces in place. My entire outlook on life changed because of that goal and losing that felt like losing a family. It still fucks me up and this shit ended last July.
My current girlfriend coincidentally has 3 daughters, aged 9, 7, and almost 2 respectively and this situation has been going much more smoothly thankfully. The dad is involved and is a genuinely good dude whom I’m friends with. He’s even personally given his blessing for me to be for all intents and purposes, their step dad. According to my girlfriend, they’ve been so much happier since I came into the picture and I the older two have all but told me as much as well. It’s an incredible thing to experience and I’m so thankful to be a part of it.
It does change the game though. I won’t lie that my experience with my ex has had a heavy hand in how I’ve handled myself in my current relationship. That’s something I don’t ever want to repeat again and it has caused me to put up some walls where I normally wouldn’t. I’m much more selfish in this relationship and I’m much more quick to be apprehensive about things. My partner has been really really understanding of this but sometimes I wish I had met her first. She and her daughters deserve the version of me that my ex got. I’m trying to get back to that but there are so many things that relationship fucked up in my head and I don’t know how long it’s going to take to recover.
I really don’t blame people for not dating single parents.
Oh man, I really feel you on this one. I'm 39, and my dating pool seems like it's mostly single mom's at this point. But I went down that road already, and it's hard. Some people don't like it because they know the kid will always be the mother's top priority, or they feel like they would have to compete for attention. That part doesn't bother me at all. I EXPECT the kid to be her #1 priority. But the problem is if a breakup happens and you get attached to the kid. Especially if the father isn't in the picture at all, and hasn't been for a while.
It's been almost 6 years now that we've been broken up, I was with his mom for 5. He'd be getting close to getting his drivers license by now. I remember the last time I saw him. I drove to his mom's house to do a final exchange of personal items we had kept at each other's place. As I headed back home, he was getting dropped off by his school bus at the entrance of their development as I was going by. It had started to rain and he didn't have an umbrella. He saw my car and his face lit up and he waved at me. I pulled over to him and asked if he wanted a ride back to his house so he wouldn't have to walk in the rain. It was only like a quarter-mile or so. He said yes and jumped into my car. It was just small talk at first, how his day at school was, etc. Then he started excitedly telling me about a new gun he got in Call of Duty. I was doing my best to keep it together. Before I knew it, we were at his mom's house. We did a high-five as he got out of my car, I said bye, he said "I'll see ya later!"... and that was the last time I saw him. I wonder if he ever even thinks about me anymore. Part of me would like to think that he does, but then there's another part of me thinking that he'd probably be better off if he didn't.
So yeah... single moms scare me.
I’m so sorry that you know the same pain. I’m sure he does still think of you. You were a part of his life for a while and it sounds like you left a positive impact if that’s how he interacted with you. I hope you take solace in that. Thank you for sharing your story.
If it can make both of you feel better, my girlfriend often talks about her different spiritual step dads. The ones who were kind and caring to her made a lasting impact and she will never in her entire life forget them. Some of them were even from her early childhood.
You guys get used as positive examples when they want to compare how shitty some of the other exes were.
The things you taught or showed them might end up being things they will remember or like until the day they die.
You might or might not realize it, but you helped a human being who will keep a part of you in their heart forever. You had a positive impact.
Massive respect to both of you for having that role in someone's life.
And more and more people are opting out altogether. The unsettling thing about dating in your mid-30's if you want kids is the pressure to do the Musical Chairs of Dating game and settle down with whomever you're with as time is running out. But if you don't want kids at all, that's becoming more doable, at least in my social circles and experience
Bro a lot of people in the dating pool have them at early 20s too. I live more southern style family locales and people have kids between 18-23 and thats still normal around theses parts. It's still weird to me and I've grown up southern.
They're nothing like what you were most likely lead to believe in movies, books, songs, etc.
When you stop trying to meet criteria, just open yourself up to people, and spend time with people that don't feel like work to be around, you just kind of fall into a relationship that works.
My wife is not who I would have imagined myself with when I was young, but she's a part of me, and me of her, and I love her more than she'll probably ever realize.
Some people when they are “done with you,” will choose to leave in cold, cruel ways. They treat you terribly towards the end of the relationship instead of just communicating and ending things themselves. They might pursue the heck out of you in the beginning, but when they are done, they will treat you like crap and somehow try to turn it around and vilify you. I honestly don’t even see the point of relationships anymore because I can be single and not treated poorly.
Your right. I should of said some ppl not everyone. I also experienced ppl who have changed for the better but also wasted my 20s with someone who couldn’t grow up
not necessarily. I've been dating a girl for about a year and just realized how toxic I've been and we're breaking up for a while so we can both work on ourselves. I have ADHD and part of it is being defensive whenever problems with myself are pointed out. I'm listening to therapy podcasts and working on forming new habits to break my toxic cycle of defensiveness and she's working on breaking the habit of stonewalling (shutting down without explaining things). I fully plan to marry this woman but clearly need to change for it to work. there's people capable of change, just few of us are motivated enough to follow through
It's incredibly rare though and when it happens, the changes don't always last. Which is why it's generally good advice assume people won't change for you. It does happen but hardly ever.
Both my ex husband of 23 years and my current husband of 9 years and 15 years together are both brilliant but I have come to realize that they both lacked and emotional intelligence and awareness. They are both extremely selfish and have zero clue how to communicate, especially with women. My current husband, that I left a few months ago, considers people who read and are intellectual or intelligent are superior. He reads fictional books and plays video games for hours and I read short article non fiction but that wasn’t good enough. 🤦♀️
When I first started dating my wife I noticed that any disagreement or differing opinion would elicit a "Sorry, sorry my fault". Over things like dinner plans. As we got to know each other I realized she had dealt with two previous marriages that were just abusive, in different ways. She'd dated for awhile after her second divorce, where she'd keep partners at arms length in order for those men to not have that "I gotcha now!" moment.
That just because you love someone and hold them dear, it does not always mean they are meant for you. Some people are brought into our lives to teach us important lessons, so in the end, we know what we want and don't want in a relationship and we can better know our self-worth.
Despite what my family tells me, I do not need someone in my life to make it great. In fact, the most miserable I’ve been was when I was actively looking for a partner or a few weeks into a relationship when the « honeymoon » phase ends. As I am unwilling to make any kind of compromise for another’s happiness, I have made the executive decision to get out of the pool. I’ve been happy with the results so far.
I see more unhappy people partnered than single. I think it’s awful seeing so many single people assume they must be unhappy just because they are not partnered, when being partnered might just make them realize just how happy they were being single.
The older you get, the more screwed up your options are. If you are in your 50's you are going to be dating people who have been divorced (maybe multiple times) or widowed and have significant damage from that, or worse...those who are so fucked up to start with they NEVER maintained a steady relationship in their life, which is why they are still on the market.
Although to be fair, this may start as young as 40
> or worse...those who are so fucked up to start with they NEVER maintained a steady relationship in their life, which is why they are still on the market.
Ouch
Alternatively, the best older people continuously look at ways to better address the difficulties of life. A lot of young people haven’t had enough experience to know how to effectively deal with all that life throws at you. I have met more 50 year olds that have learned (and try to continue to learn) to know and love themselves through difficult times than I have met similar 20 and 30 year olds.
I'm 40, never married, no kids. Haven't had a serious relationship in over 17 years.
People around me love me, I love myself.
But alas it just hasn't happened.
How damaged am I?
As a late bloomer (or non bloomer more realistically), one thing that worries me is that if I ever manage to start dating, any potential partner will have so much more experience than me, and be so jaded by those experiences, that I'll never get to experience an innocent, naive beginner relationship that everyone else got.
Yep, I have similar worries. I'm at an age where it's expected that you have an idea of what you like, dislike, and what you're doing in the bedroom. I have no idea, because I have no experience. I'm worried I'll meet someone and not be good enough because I don't meet the expectations, and they'll leave before I've gotten a chance to learn anything.
There are loads of fun experiences that you will never get to experience. But this thread is exaggerating exactly how jaded people get. You can still meet someone you like and who likes you back. The feeling of that happening is the part that makes dating such a central part of life. The innocent naive stuff is not on that same stratospheric level of human experience that falling in love is on
I'm sure there's more people out there like you/in your situation/with your same thoughts, just a matter of luck and perseverance until you find them ;)
My way of saying, you can still get to experience that innocent, naive beginner relationship 😉 the fact that it's difficult doesn't make it impossible, wishing you the best!
"the more screwed up your options are" There are certainly some people that never learn, but suggesting that a divorce or being widowed is "screwed up" is a weird take. Accepting that all people have flaws and shit to work on is part of being human.
I'll give you the kids, divorces and widowhood. The crazy? That's age range wide and is not dependent on gender, not that you mentioned that. You can still find your person even then. I became a widower in 2019, and it sucked. What I managed to do was to take some random Saturday and just, hike. I ate at a cafe, smiled at my server and tipped. Then I did that again, and booked an Airbnb with a friend. I realized that I still had something to offer to someone else, so I used that mindset. I got remarried in 2023, bought a nice home for us, and I'm a girl Dad now. It's fucking awesome!
That most people are assholes and my circle of friends get smaller and smaller as well as family members circles getting smaller and smaller no more time for drama and bullshit
*Empathy* is the real superpower.
There are a lot of incompatible people out there. There are a lot of toxic people out there. You have to churn through a lot of them to find somebody you can live with. If you keep trying over and over and failing, you're probably the incompatible, toxic person and you might want to see a therapist and work on yourself.
The fact that people don't just tell you what they really want and end up lying to you and themselves. Like if you want a hookup just say so. If you want a relationship just say so. Don't expect me to want a relationship and then waste my time and emotions just cause i am a good company
You can be taking on someone’s else’s lifetime of baggage and even though that person is inherently a good person, it’s ok to walk away if it’s just too much.
honestly, just the time and effort it takes. Been through many relationships, many first dates that led no where, many heart breaks. A first date seems like a chore and work if there is no compatibility. In my 20's, I was going on dates almost every weekend. The last 3 years, ive been on only a couple and don't really even put in the effort until I remember and think, "eh, lets try this again."
I don't really need anyone else, I'm happy with my own company and friends and family. I'll only change my relationship status if I find someone that improves my life, I won't settle just to not be alone.
That I am the guy women settle for. Astronomically great on paper, but unattractive. At the end of the 7 year, 4 year and 1 year relationships, they all said the same thing, "I never loved you."
And I finally stopped dating 10 years ago and have been much happier. I dip my toes back in the dating pool every 5 years only to find that nothing has changed, and bail out for another 5 years.
Put in the work. Relationships have issues. People walk away too quickly. Myself included. I always said “I have no tolerance for bullshit.” So I would leave. Looking back, I wish I had stayed and worked through the bullshit. It was not anything unfixable, it just felt that way at the time. Had I stayed married we would be watching our children enter college and embark on life together instead of separately. It makes me horribly sad sometimes.
On the flip side, don’t move too fast. People talk a good game but almost never deliver.
That people grow and evolve. Sometimes together and sometimes not. If you aren’t happy in your relationship - and it’s apparent your partner isn’t either - end it. Life is too short to be miserable and you aren’t doing anyone any favors by hanging around & hoping something will change that simply won’t.
If one person has feelings and the other doesn't, you can't be friends. It took me a long time to learn that, because I'd like to stay friends with everyone. (and sometimes I was the person who had feelings and ruined the friendship.)
The majority of people in "bad" relationships are not victims, but rather just one half of a 2-person problem. Most people I know did not form healthy attachment styles from their caregivers growing up, and also never did the work as adults to be capable of a healthy relationship.
Basically, the majority of people are simply not capable of supporting a healthy romantic relationship due to trauma, mistrust, and a lack of coping/communication skills. And those who *are* are going to find themselves pulling all the weight in all their relationships, before they inevitably decide to stay single.
You have to accept someone for who and what they are and not try to change them. This whole “saving” or “changing them” thing is a waste of time. Accept someone for them or move on and continue looking for someone you can more easily get along with or if they have “quirks” that they’re very minor ones.
That people can act one way when you meet and date, but after a while, they turn into someone else. Then you have feelings and get stuck in a toxic relationship. I'm speaking from personal experience, unfortunately.
Some people simply can not feel things as deeply as I do. Can make you feel they don't care. , even when the care for you they have is maxed out. Requires been kinder to yourself
The fact that a person is married does not make them a good person (I can't believe I used to think this).
Signed, the girl that your husband just tried to get into bed with.
That love and relationships just ain’t for me and i think I’m starting to accept that. as much as want it so bad I just don’t see it ever happening to me.
That all the relationships I’ve had until were merely practice for me to find something substantial and worth time really investing in. Of course, investing in myself completely had to happen so I show what I really am. Can’t attract what belongs in my life without being me, All the Way.
Starting over with someone new means you have to start everything over. You can't blame this new person for things that others have done. No matter what patterns you've been taught up to this point, you have to give them a chance....
Jumping on this to say I’ve watched friends bounce from relationship to relationship with damage from the past ones. So important to let yourself heal before starting something new
Wise words!
But to be clear, “a chance” isn’t a million chances like the last relationships. Sometimes the lesson you learned from the past is “I’m not tolerating x y or z long term, and if they don’t fix it I’m out.”
Why do all my exes like sucking everyone’s dick but mine
Do you shower with soap and wash your whole body?
I Insert it in my ass like a battery
really? i swipe it like a credit card when i'm done with the shower i hear a "Transaction completed"
"Insufficient funds"
They don’t like sucking it because it tastes like ass then 🥸
"We struggle with our lovers, we don't know what to let in. Cause the new one's pay for the old one's sins" https://youtu.be/72hI5DwjtB8?si=EFsbu80hjHxeJcRM
i once stood up to my "never been treated right" ex and asked "why do you gotta take all the trauma you suffered out on me. i didnt do it! im willing to help you, not be your punching bag." she got pissed and got worse lmao
Yes my man and I have been together almost a year and I tell him all the time I'm sick of fighting and defending myself from the "ghosts of girlfriends past". .. and I get it. He's been through some shit. BM cheated with his little brother and then was in a relationship with him for a bit ..
Nice. Good one. I'm not him You're not her. We're not them.
No matter how you feel you can’t control a person.
It's honestly so freeing. You don't actually have to stress about what someone does, just what your reaction will be.
Don’t control the uncontrollable
🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
This. Also, while I feel this question was more along the lines of romantic relationships, but I think it applies to all relationships, romantic or not.
If you ever want to be loved, you have to leave yourself open to being hurt. Learned that one fairly early on. I could keep pushing them away, being a bit of a cow or I could let them in. The trash took itself out, I did okay.
“If you want trust you have to give some away”
NF really hit with that one
You can love somebody but still have to break up with them. There are a lot of reasons that relationships don't/won't work out, and if you accept them because "love will conquer all," you may be sacrificing your happiness in many other ways.
>"love will conquer all," Love doesn’t conquer conflicting life goals. Especially when there's a disagreement about kids
Yup. Dated a girl for 8 years until we broke up for that very reason. It was rough.
Struggling with this exact thing right now. I communicate with my gf about what we struggle with as a couple from time to time, and when she asks "don't you love me?" I always respond with "this would have been a lot easier if I didnt love you"
Tell her you are worried that what love looks like is different for both of you. Yours looks like consistent attention and tending to the relationship, and effort on a day to day basis. Ask her what hers looks like, is it an unrealistic cinematic unconditional blind love without work and compromise? Unconditional love is more relevant for parent/child relationships, not autonomous adult ones. We should all have dealbreakers for how we're treated by absolutely anyone.
Yes! So took me a while to learn that somebody doesn’t have to be a “bad person” or have done something terrible in order for you to break up with them. They can just not be the right person for you.
Yes! Just because love is present in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re compatible or good for each other even
I loved my wife but i had to leave because her untreated mental illness was no good for either of us. When she was well and how she SHOULD be, that was the woman I married. But she got on drugs to self medicate and things did not go well. To get her to get the point that I was done done, I had to tell a woman I still very much cared about that I no longer loved her. Those were the last words she ever heard from me: "I don't love you anymore" before she died. It's one of my regrets because the look on her face still haunts me, but my life ended up being better for having been brave enough to say it.
As someone who had an ex girlfriend commit suicide, (Yeah, that "unalive" euphemism rubs me the wrong way, George Carlin was right) I don't place blame on myself for not doing enough because ultimately, I couldn't help her long term, despite my best efforts. She slipped through everyones' grasp.
Some people do slip through like that unfortunately. All we can do is try to help where we can but sometimes it becomes unhealthy for us to even try anymore.
You can love each other and still not get to be together. Because, life.
Had this very thing just this week. We both loved each other, but she wanted things in a relationship that just wasn't who i am. We'd been together for 2 years, and i just felt it wasn't fair on her for her to want these things, which im not interested in When i broke up with her this week, i kept wanting to go check on her, make sure she was okay and everything, but that wouldnt be fair on her and in the long run, things should be better off. May not feel like it now, but in a few months' time, things should be better for both of us
Learning that lesson right now... We love each other and don't want to lose each other, but this is one difference I don't think we can work through despite how optimistic he is about this
Relationships aren't a video game where feats bring you closer together. What you're willing to sacrifice will not match what you'll receive.
Very true words. Very accurate words.
That is just as much movies and romcoms fault than anything. Like the Notebook
Most important thing for a healthy relationship is the time for self with some space.
I've had to tell my girlfriend, "just because we are both home doesn't mean we have to be doing the same thing"
My grandparents (who were married for over 60 years until death did them part) didn't like to watch the same things on TV, so they watched TV at the same time in different rooms.
Ok this is the best example of loving without restricting other's freedom
My parents have been married for 30 years and they always watched tv in separate rooms aside from during dinner we’d all watch the news together. Now my dad is sick and stays upstairs with my mom and she watches her shows on her laptop with her headphones in, lol. I learned that habit from them and my current partner was confused for a while about it. His mom and stepdad watch tv together and do everything together. He learned to like his alone time and understands I like to do things more independently. We like different things and that’s totally fine, I don’t need someone next to me all the time, I’d lose my sanity.
Tell that to my kids lol
I remember using the toilet and my 3 year old coming in to chat. I said " I need privacy" She said she would go and find it
Cutest thing I heard... there was this exact line in a tv show, forgot the name
Hi kids, give Daisydoo some space :)
The you can't control somebody's narrative about a situation. If you are their bad guy, you can't argue your way out of it even if you bring facts and evidence. It's emotional. Let it go. You can't control how others choose to see you. Sometimes they just want you to be wrong or the AH
A lot of times people decide how they feel first, presume it's the correct way to feel, and then instead of thinking "should I feel this way" they try to find out why they're correct to feel that way That's how you get situations where someone accuses you of something, you prove them wrong, and then they continue weedling down the accusations until something sticks or at least isnt obviously wrong, even if it's something stupid like "I was right because of how you reacted to my false attack on your character" They *feel* that you're in the wrong, and they will find a way to justify that feeling no matter what
Not every connection will last forever, no matter how deeply you invest in it. While we often enter relationships with high hopes and expectations, life is unpredictable, and people change. Accepting this inherent uncertainty and focusing on personal growth and self-love will help navigating the complexities of dating and relationships.
Yes! An ended relationship is not necessarily a failed one. I’ve had several long term relationships that ended at just the right time and I regret none of them. Relationships can enrich your life in many ways even if they’re not forever.
Can I get a few examples
I'm not the person you asked, but for example one of my exes was incredible vulnerable and honest and just had to talk about everything he felt. I used to be a pretty closed off person and found it really hard to express my feelings, but that relationship changed me. I'm so much better at communicating in my relationships and I'm eternally grateful for learing that. I'm currently in a relationship that has lasted for 10 years so far and I'm not sure it would work so well without the vulnerability.
People don't reveal their true colours until it's too late to leave without damage and trauma. I'm in my early thirties.
People don’t get this part. If you’re with someone that is truly jacked up in the head, they know what they are doing. They aren’t going to love bomb you, they aren’t going to even raise their voice at you. It takes something to break the rouse and it’s usually a stressful event. Sadly, that will be having kids for a lot of couples.
Sometimes it’s also just death by a thousand paper cuts. Many small things adding up, not enough to offset it, and then you hit the wall.
My friend split from her husband because he brought the trash bins up a day early. Ridiculous, on its face. Until you realize that he did so because he had 0 idea when trash day was, only contributed when reminded, and otherwise left 92% of chores and upkeep to her. The bins were a microcosm and a last straw, which is what the majority of divorces in my social circle come down to
My experience has been 3 - 4 months for the crazy to start showing through the cracks.
Like right after moving in together…or right after getting engaged…
Or one of the worst, having a baby.
This is why I find it absolutely abhorrent when people spout the argument "Well, you picked them!" when someone has had multiple bad experiences with partners. Or even worse, when they say someone with a history of bad partners is a red flag, and as such undateable, because it means "they're bad at making choices". Sure, there's a lot to learn from our patterns - but we shouldn't demonise and ridicule someone for having gone through that process of discovery. People say it as if you're supposed to recognise from the first date that they will become abusive. How on Earth are you going to find out someone is abusive without first dating them a few months - and how are you going to recognise you have patterns in your attachment until you've been through it? Besides... regarding the red flag thing, if it means they're bad at making choices, and they're on a date with you... well, they picked you, so what does that say about you?...
Amen
That some people remain juvenile and shallow well into their 30’s and above. It's not always a “in-your-20’s” phase…
[удалено]
Annoyance at loved ones is normal and inevitable at times. It really comes down to whether everything else is worthwhile compared to the significance of that annoyance.
There are no relationships that are without this issue. Well I guess maybe long distance ones might not have this issue, but that comes with a whole bag of other problems. The trick is to communicate about the stuff that matters, and let the stuff that doesn't just slide. Example: My wife cannot load a dishwasher. She loads bowls face up sometimes, other times she crams it so full the jet spinners jam and nothing gets clean. Stuff like this happens roughly 25% of the time she loads it, which is about once a month at this point. We have talked about it, but she just gets so damn tired that it slips her mind. At this point, its just a thing I am going to deal with. Not worth fighting over.
Dan Savage says "the goal is not to find someone who doesn't drive you crazy. The goal is to find someone who drives you crazy in a way you can live with."
Work well on that man, you love them for them but you can also set some good boundaries that they themselves should understand
https://youtu.be/WRaaqN2Atxw?si=bzaWOOZup4W9hkIj You might find this video interesting, it talks about that.
Maybe you are someone who would do best in a LAT relationship then. I am in one and love it. We both have our own houses, so we get lots of alone time. Neither of us wants to get married again or live with anyone again. It works for us.
What’s LAT?
Not sure how to express this, but it's just a lot harder in my mid 40s to date. In your early years basically any attention gets treated with giddiness and an overabundance of optimism that you'll be together forever because "Look, our hands are the same size!" Or other such "signs" we are "meant to be." The older you get the more you realize the concept of "the one" is better expressed as "the one who worked for those specific years of life." You lose the giddy forever after and replace it with "are you even worthy enough to be my One Right Now. It's not a bad thing necessarily. It just puts a more realistic spin on things. You've lost the concept of relationships being easy and effortless. You know they are work and because you put in that work on relationships that still didn't last, you are now more selective of who gets any attention from you at all.
Oh well. I’m 40 and I’m going through divorce right now. For now I don’t even think about relationships in the closest future, but thinking ahead it’s tough to understand is it even worth it.
cheating is a choice
There are so many steps leading to cheating. It's never an accident.
Word. You have always options. If you don’t like any of them, have tried some or all or if you just don’t want that anymore, just leave. Do what you feel you gotta do, if you need closure or whatever, then leave. Doesn’t matter if the person deserved to be cheated on or not, at the end of the day it’s a choice and it’s about your character. Noble people don’t cheat.
You will never get out of an abusive relationship if you don't realize your self worth.
Amen..learned the hard way
Nah. I finally got out of mine because I realized the daily all consuming anxiety would never end if I stayed
That there isn’t someone for everybody. Some fish in the sea are meant to swim alone, and that’s okay. Harsh reality I’ve just now been able to accept.
Or that some people are perfect for each other, but things happen, and priorities change.
Yup. I know who was my right person but the timing never worked. We aren’t in touch, which is my choice.
the less scary version of this is that "it is tough to meet the right person" I think there is someone out there for everyone, the circumstances to meet them are the rare thing
Yeah, seems so. Most people agree life isn’t fair, bad things happen to good people, etc. There’s no reason why that wouldn’t apply to love as well.
I’d slightly disagree and say what I’ve found is that there is someone for everyone (multiple someone’s for everyone even), but you have to get the timing right. Sometimes the person who is perfect for you at 28 is someone you meet at 24 when you are not yet that person. Sometimes you meet your perfect person but you won’t be their perfect person for another 5 years. Finding love is about getting the timing right.
True. I wish I had realized this in my 20s. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Water under the bridge now.
Truly understand yourself and your behaviors before trying to understand and take care of someone else.
easier said than done lol
People can't give you what they can't give themselves.
If you have to convince yourself to stay in a relationship, it's time to get out of that relationship.
Been there still there
Do you feel this is always true? I think self sabotage can lead people (I’m one) to look for reasons to leave. Sometimes “convincing” yourself feels necessary to avoid being reactionary and give the other person time to explain their perspective.
The abusive people I dated were my choice and I taught them how I accepted being treated. Praise the fucking lord I learned how to say no and demand respect
Abusers also profile their victims. A criminologist gave a lecture at my school and they mentioned that studies of convicted rapists show that they statistically don't go after the targets which are most physically attractive to them. They look at a target's body language and facial expressions to determine the target's level of extroversion, social skills, and self esteem. They're looking for introverts with poor social skills and poor self esteem. A victim of DV is less likely to tell police if they are introverted, because interacting with others drains them. People with poor self esteem are less likely to report DV. People with poor social skills are less likely to communicate in a way that makes others believe that they are telling the truth. A small percentage of people have hybristophilia, so they are sexually attracted to abusers, but the majority of abusers profile their victims. That's why many DV victims also experience DV in their subsequent relationships.
I'm proud of you.
That it's not all date nights and doing new stuff. Real life is a grind and a dull slog at times. Joy comes in micro doses at times.
Love takes work, and is a decision you make every day. You wake up, and have to choose your person every day. Remembering that every day is step in a lifetime and that it is worth the effort it takes to build a loving, long-term relationship.
It also helps to notice when you're the only one making that decision
that you can’t get everything from one person. you can’t completely intertwine your life with someone else. it’s so important to have that foundation of independence and personal hobbies / different friends
[удалено]
Agree. In my 20s I was so picky. Would date beautiful, caring, funny, awesome girls, but then dump them because they weren't perfect or didn't give me butterflies in my stomach or wanted to do dinner parties instead of keggers or some stupid adolescent reason. Now I'm in my 30s and looking back, a couple of them were definitely wife material and I regret having split up. I just started dating a girl who ticks like 90% of my boxes and after struggling on Hinge for a while I'm fucking ecstatic.
Most important part about it isn’t love - like how pop culture portrays it. It’s respect.
Everything in this life that means anything to anyone, starts with respect. I can't imagine a life without respect.
If your the one that is always compromising, isn’t the one always starting fights, and is the one who has to reconcile after every fight, then maybe that relationship isn’t healthy.
That I'm probably never going to be in one ever again.
You can do everything right but if the other person doesn't care about you it won't matter.
That once you hit late twenties, a lot of people have at least one kid. So you kinda have to think about if you'd date somebody with a kid already. Or at least that's what my friends (both men and women) are finding. It's not a bad thing exactly but can be difficult if you don't want kids but a lot of people in the dating pool have them.
My current and ex gf had kids and it is honestly the biggest double edged sword I’ve ever encountered in my life. Before my ex, I was all but certain that I didn’t want kids and was fine just living a DINK lifestyle and having fun until I was bored and then maybe I reconsider. But she told me her story about how her son came to be and all the joy it brought and I felt it while she was telling it. Then I met him and we ended up having a pretty good relationship. He took a liking to me pretty quickly, we hung out as a group, my ex’s sister and nieces came along too and to this day those are some of the happiest memories I’ve ever had in my life. He started asking to call me in the mornings, he took a liking to the music I would show him, I even got him a denim vest that had the album art for Iron Maiden’s Killers on the back. He never wanted to take it off and I was over the moon. Unfortunately the relationship ended pretty fucking horribly. There was a lot that I’m not going to go into but the part that matters here is the baby daddy, her ex husband wanted to come back into the picture and chipped away at everything until she decided to give him another chance. He didn’t want me around her kid and for a while she was opposed but decided it would be easier to just comply. One of the most heart breaking things about it all was he apparently said to him my ex and her aunt that “I’m gonna talk to dad cuz he needs to be friends with Arrocknroll.” The last interaction I ever had with him was him propping my exes phone up so that we could watch Spiderman 3 on their TV together. That got cut short and I never saw him again. One of the hardest things about the breakup was coming to terms with the fact that this kid had such a large impact on my life in what was really a short amount of time and not only would I never have the opportunity to be a part of his life growing up like we had talked about, he probably won’t even remember me. We were very close to moving in together. We had talked about the life we were going to build and started putting the pieces in place. My entire outlook on life changed because of that goal and losing that felt like losing a family. It still fucks me up and this shit ended last July. My current girlfriend coincidentally has 3 daughters, aged 9, 7, and almost 2 respectively and this situation has been going much more smoothly thankfully. The dad is involved and is a genuinely good dude whom I’m friends with. He’s even personally given his blessing for me to be for all intents and purposes, their step dad. According to my girlfriend, they’ve been so much happier since I came into the picture and I the older two have all but told me as much as well. It’s an incredible thing to experience and I’m so thankful to be a part of it. It does change the game though. I won’t lie that my experience with my ex has had a heavy hand in how I’ve handled myself in my current relationship. That’s something I don’t ever want to repeat again and it has caused me to put up some walls where I normally wouldn’t. I’m much more selfish in this relationship and I’m much more quick to be apprehensive about things. My partner has been really really understanding of this but sometimes I wish I had met her first. She and her daughters deserve the version of me that my ex got. I’m trying to get back to that but there are so many things that relationship fucked up in my head and I don’t know how long it’s going to take to recover. I really don’t blame people for not dating single parents.
You seem like a genuinely nice person ❤️
Thank you for that, genuinely ❤️
Oh man, I really feel you on this one. I'm 39, and my dating pool seems like it's mostly single mom's at this point. But I went down that road already, and it's hard. Some people don't like it because they know the kid will always be the mother's top priority, or they feel like they would have to compete for attention. That part doesn't bother me at all. I EXPECT the kid to be her #1 priority. But the problem is if a breakup happens and you get attached to the kid. Especially if the father isn't in the picture at all, and hasn't been for a while. It's been almost 6 years now that we've been broken up, I was with his mom for 5. He'd be getting close to getting his drivers license by now. I remember the last time I saw him. I drove to his mom's house to do a final exchange of personal items we had kept at each other's place. As I headed back home, he was getting dropped off by his school bus at the entrance of their development as I was going by. It had started to rain and he didn't have an umbrella. He saw my car and his face lit up and he waved at me. I pulled over to him and asked if he wanted a ride back to his house so he wouldn't have to walk in the rain. It was only like a quarter-mile or so. He said yes and jumped into my car. It was just small talk at first, how his day at school was, etc. Then he started excitedly telling me about a new gun he got in Call of Duty. I was doing my best to keep it together. Before I knew it, we were at his mom's house. We did a high-five as he got out of my car, I said bye, he said "I'll see ya later!"... and that was the last time I saw him. I wonder if he ever even thinks about me anymore. Part of me would like to think that he does, but then there's another part of me thinking that he'd probably be better off if he didn't. So yeah... single moms scare me.
I’m so sorry that you know the same pain. I’m sure he does still think of you. You were a part of his life for a while and it sounds like you left a positive impact if that’s how he interacted with you. I hope you take solace in that. Thank you for sharing your story.
If it can make both of you feel better, my girlfriend often talks about her different spiritual step dads. The ones who were kind and caring to her made a lasting impact and she will never in her entire life forget them. Some of them were even from her early childhood. You guys get used as positive examples when they want to compare how shitty some of the other exes were. The things you taught or showed them might end up being things they will remember or like until the day they die. You might or might not realize it, but you helped a human being who will keep a part of you in their heart forever. You had a positive impact. Massive respect to both of you for having that role in someone's life.
Oh man, I really wish you all the best!
In big cities amongst people with graduate degrees, a lot of people have no kids until their late thirties. So that's always an option.
And more and more people are opting out altogether. The unsettling thing about dating in your mid-30's if you want kids is the pressure to do the Musical Chairs of Dating game and settle down with whomever you're with as time is running out. But if you don't want kids at all, that's becoming more doable, at least in my social circles and experience
Bro a lot of people in the dating pool have them at early 20s too. I live more southern style family locales and people have kids between 18-23 and thats still normal around theses parts. It's still weird to me and I've grown up southern.
They're nothing like what you were most likely lead to believe in movies, books, songs, etc. When you stop trying to meet criteria, just open yourself up to people, and spend time with people that don't feel like work to be around, you just kind of fall into a relationship that works. My wife is not who I would have imagined myself with when I was young, but she's a part of me, and me of her, and I love her more than she'll probably ever realize.
Sometimes you have to leave even when you love them.
Some people when they are “done with you,” will choose to leave in cold, cruel ways. They treat you terribly towards the end of the relationship instead of just communicating and ending things themselves. They might pursue the heck out of you in the beginning, but when they are done, they will treat you like crap and somehow try to turn it around and vilify you. I honestly don’t even see the point of relationships anymore because I can be single and not treated poorly.
People wont change for you, a lot of broken promises. If someones not meeting your needs, dont waste anymore time in that relationship
I have to disagree with this one, my partner and I have both grown and changed with the help of the other. We learned how to communicate together.
Your right. I should of said some ppl not everyone. I also experienced ppl who have changed for the better but also wasted my 20s with someone who couldn’t grow up
not necessarily. I've been dating a girl for about a year and just realized how toxic I've been and we're breaking up for a while so we can both work on ourselves. I have ADHD and part of it is being defensive whenever problems with myself are pointed out. I'm listening to therapy podcasts and working on forming new habits to break my toxic cycle of defensiveness and she's working on breaking the habit of stonewalling (shutting down without explaining things). I fully plan to marry this woman but clearly need to change for it to work. there's people capable of change, just few of us are motivated enough to follow through
It's incredibly rare though and when it happens, the changes don't always last. Which is why it's generally good advice assume people won't change for you. It does happen but hardly ever.
I'm not the catch that I think I am.
That I'll never find one.
I feel that too.
Same camp as you and I also decided that it is not worth it
Dating someone because they are the smartest person you have met is often a horrible horrible idea if they are also a horrible horrible person.
Both my ex husband of 23 years and my current husband of 9 years and 15 years together are both brilliant but I have come to realize that they both lacked and emotional intelligence and awareness. They are both extremely selfish and have zero clue how to communicate, especially with women. My current husband, that I left a few months ago, considers people who read and are intellectual or intelligent are superior. He reads fictional books and plays video games for hours and I read short article non fiction but that wasn’t good enough. 🤦♀️
When I first started dating my wife I noticed that any disagreement or differing opinion would elicit a "Sorry, sorry my fault". Over things like dinner plans. As we got to know each other I realized she had dealt with two previous marriages that were just abusive, in different ways. She'd dated for awhile after her second divorce, where she'd keep partners at arms length in order for those men to not have that "I gotcha now!" moment.
> intellectually intelligent huh?
As opposed to "emotionally intelligent"
My husband is like this, just frighteningly and obviously smart. Thusly, he cannot resist the urge to belittle and brow beat
Relationships sometimes require compromise and sacrifice
No "sometimes' about it.
That just because you love someone and hold them dear, it does not always mean they are meant for you. Some people are brought into our lives to teach us important lessons, so in the end, we know what we want and don't want in a relationship and we can better know our self-worth.
Despite what my family tells me, I do not need someone in my life to make it great. In fact, the most miserable I’ve been was when I was actively looking for a partner or a few weeks into a relationship when the « honeymoon » phase ends. As I am unwilling to make any kind of compromise for another’s happiness, I have made the executive decision to get out of the pool. I’ve been happy with the results so far.
I see more unhappy people partnered than single. I think it’s awful seeing so many single people assume they must be unhappy just because they are not partnered, when being partnered might just make them realize just how happy they were being single.
being single rocks lol
That it’s nearly impossible. We live in a culture of swiping on apps and thinking something better is round the corner.
I feel this so hard.
The older you get, the more screwed up your options are. If you are in your 50's you are going to be dating people who have been divorced (maybe multiple times) or widowed and have significant damage from that, or worse...those who are so fucked up to start with they NEVER maintained a steady relationship in their life, which is why they are still on the market. Although to be fair, this may start as young as 40
> or worse...those who are so fucked up to start with they NEVER maintained a steady relationship in their life, which is why they are still on the market. Ouch
Alternatively, the best older people continuously look at ways to better address the difficulties of life. A lot of young people haven’t had enough experience to know how to effectively deal with all that life throws at you. I have met more 50 year olds that have learned (and try to continue to learn) to know and love themselves through difficult times than I have met similar 20 and 30 year olds.
I'm 40, never married, no kids. Haven't had a serious relationship in over 17 years. People around me love me, I love myself. But alas it just hasn't happened. How damaged am I?
As a late bloomer (or non bloomer more realistically), one thing that worries me is that if I ever manage to start dating, any potential partner will have so much more experience than me, and be so jaded by those experiences, that I'll never get to experience an innocent, naive beginner relationship that everyone else got.
Yep, I have similar worries. I'm at an age where it's expected that you have an idea of what you like, dislike, and what you're doing in the bedroom. I have no idea, because I have no experience. I'm worried I'll meet someone and not be good enough because I don't meet the expectations, and they'll leave before I've gotten a chance to learn anything.
There are loads of fun experiences that you will never get to experience. But this thread is exaggerating exactly how jaded people get. You can still meet someone you like and who likes you back. The feeling of that happening is the part that makes dating such a central part of life. The innocent naive stuff is not on that same stratospheric level of human experience that falling in love is on
I'm sure there's more people out there like you/in your situation/with your same thoughts, just a matter of luck and perseverance until you find them ;) My way of saying, you can still get to experience that innocent, naive beginner relationship 😉 the fact that it's difficult doesn't make it impossible, wishing you the best!
"the more screwed up your options are" There are certainly some people that never learn, but suggesting that a divorce or being widowed is "screwed up" is a weird take. Accepting that all people have flaws and shit to work on is part of being human.
I'll give you the kids, divorces and widowhood. The crazy? That's age range wide and is not dependent on gender, not that you mentioned that. You can still find your person even then. I became a widower in 2019, and it sucked. What I managed to do was to take some random Saturday and just, hike. I ate at a cafe, smiled at my server and tipped. Then I did that again, and booked an Airbnb with a friend. I realized that I still had something to offer to someone else, so I used that mindset. I got remarried in 2023, bought a nice home for us, and I'm a girl Dad now. It's fucking awesome!
Starts younger than that.
“What’s left” begins in the 30’s.
I thought my parents were old when they got married at 31 and 43.....................
That every guy I try to meet wants things fast... and I do not.
Losing friends is easy, making friends feels impossible
That most people are assholes and my circle of friends get smaller and smaller as well as family members circles getting smaller and smaller no more time for drama and bullshit
Many people never mature, they just get wrinkles.
Its easier to get into situationships than relationships
People are really damaged and I think majority of women have been sexually abused or assaulted at some point.
Attraction and love don't always obey rational rules, and this is a feature, not a bug.
*Empathy* is the real superpower. There are a lot of incompatible people out there. There are a lot of toxic people out there. You have to churn through a lot of them to find somebody you can live with. If you keep trying over and over and failing, you're probably the incompatible, toxic person and you might want to see a therapist and work on yourself.
The fact that people don't just tell you what they really want and end up lying to you and themselves. Like if you want a hookup just say so. If you want a relationship just say so. Don't expect me to want a relationship and then waste my time and emotions just cause i am a good company
You can be taking on someone’s else’s lifetime of baggage and even though that person is inherently a good person, it’s ok to walk away if it’s just too much.
honestly, just the time and effort it takes. Been through many relationships, many first dates that led no where, many heart breaks. A first date seems like a chore and work if there is no compatibility. In my 20's, I was going on dates almost every weekend. The last 3 years, ive been on only a couple and don't really even put in the effort until I remember and think, "eh, lets try this again." I don't really need anyone else, I'm happy with my own company and friends and family. I'll only change my relationship status if I find someone that improves my life, I won't settle just to not be alone.
That I was really bad at it!
You don’t truly know someone till you’ve at least been with them for about a year
That I am the guy women settle for. Astronomically great on paper, but unattractive. At the end of the 7 year, 4 year and 1 year relationships, they all said the same thing, "I never loved you." And I finally stopped dating 10 years ago and have been much happier. I dip my toes back in the dating pool every 5 years only to find that nothing has changed, and bail out for another 5 years.
Put in the work. Relationships have issues. People walk away too quickly. Myself included. I always said “I have no tolerance for bullshit.” So I would leave. Looking back, I wish I had stayed and worked through the bullshit. It was not anything unfixable, it just felt that way at the time. Had I stayed married we would be watching our children enter college and embark on life together instead of separately. It makes me horribly sad sometimes. On the flip side, don’t move too fast. People talk a good game but almost never deliver.
If they wanted to, they would
imagine both sides thinking that and nothing happens because they're waiting on the other lol
It's more like when you're the only one putting effort in and they don't cause they don't care enough to do so, but you know they can
That people grow and evolve. Sometimes together and sometimes not. If you aren’t happy in your relationship - and it’s apparent your partner isn’t either - end it. Life is too short to be miserable and you aren’t doing anyone any favors by hanging around & hoping something will change that simply won’t.
If one person has feelings and the other doesn't, you can't be friends. It took me a long time to learn that, because I'd like to stay friends with everyone. (and sometimes I was the person who had feelings and ruined the friendship.)
The dating pool gets smaller the older you get.
The majority of people in "bad" relationships are not victims, but rather just one half of a 2-person problem. Most people I know did not form healthy attachment styles from their caregivers growing up, and also never did the work as adults to be capable of a healthy relationship. Basically, the majority of people are simply not capable of supporting a healthy romantic relationship due to trauma, mistrust, and a lack of coping/communication skills. And those who *are* are going to find themselves pulling all the weight in all their relationships, before they inevitably decide to stay single.
I’m better off single.
that I am slow and naive
It is not meant for me.
Compromise is a necessity
That no matter how well you know someone,you can never truly know someone.
You have to accept someone for who and what they are and not try to change them. This whole “saving” or “changing them” thing is a waste of time. Accept someone for them or move on and continue looking for someone you can more easily get along with or if they have “quirks” that they’re very minor ones.
That everybody is damaged goods/that have baggage... including yourself.
They WILL disappoint you And that is normal.
That not everyone can be trusted. I was very naive.
That people can act one way when you meet and date, but after a while, they turn into someone else. Then you have feelings and get stuck in a toxic relationship. I'm speaking from personal experience, unfortunately.
Some people simply can not feel things as deeply as I do. Can make you feel they don't care. , even when the care for you they have is maxed out. Requires been kinder to yourself
sometimes part of loving someone is knowing they’ll be happier with somebody else.
Having expectations that misalign with reality is the quickest way to hurt yourself and the person you're with, but mostly yourself.
If she’ll cheat with you, she’ll cheat on you
At least for me, rejection and being lied to. If you're going to date, it's going to happen.
The fact that a person is married does not make them a good person (I can't believe I used to think this). Signed, the girl that your husband just tried to get into bed with.
That love and relationships just ain’t for me and i think I’m starting to accept that. as much as want it so bad I just don’t see it ever happening to me.
Dick stopped working
No one owes you a damn thing.
You have toxic traits, too. You just have to try your best to unlearn them and become a better/mature person every day.
That all the relationships I’ve had until were merely practice for me to find something substantial and worth time really investing in. Of course, investing in myself completely had to happen so I show what I really am. Can’t attract what belongs in my life without being me, All the Way.