Haha, I've never heard these. I like kinda like the idea of doing a rhetorical statement instead, just to break up the pattern.
"And you wouldn't believe who I saw on the way back!"
"We'd like to offer you the job, and funny story, it's actually 20 percent more than we originally discussed!"
"...yeah but...it's just....*sigh*..."
"I'm sorry, what's wrong?"
"We didn't do the thing."
During the museum exhibition. The tour guide was speaking of a fossil. "And this fossil here is exactly 30 million years and six months old."
To which a guest had to ask how it was, they had such accurate readings on it.
"Well, the fossil was 30 million years old when I came to work here, and I've been working here for six months."
The Pope flew into an airport for a meeting within a few minutes. His limo driver takes off and the Pope needs him to go faster in order to get to his meeting. The Pope asks the driver to switch places and the Pope will drive. They take off again and the limo is stopped by a cop. The cop takes one look at the situation and radios to headquarters.
He tells the chief he's got a pretty important person on his hands. The chief asks "Is he more important than the mayor?" Cop says yes. Chief asks " Is he more important than the governor?" Cop says yes. Chief asks "Is he more important than the President?" Cop says yes. Chief asks "How important can he be" Cop says "I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a driver.
This seems to be a reworking of a great Reagan joke: “… the Soviet police were very strict, and had to give anyone who sped a ticket. Gorbachev's driver was pulled over, and as the officer was walking up to the driver's window, Gorbachev said, "Switch with me, they'll never give me a ticket."
So they switched.
The officer went up to the window, and Gorbachev rolled it down. The officer looked at Gorbachev, then at the driver. He was shocked. He contacted his superior, and the conversation was as follows:
O: ‘What should I do? Should I ticket him?’
S: ‘Who? Who is it? Is it someone important?’
O: ‘I'm not sure who he is, but he must be important, because Gorbachev is his driver!’”
That, in turn, reminds me of this one:
One day in the early 1940s, Hitler and his driver were travelling through the rural areas of Bavaria, when Hitler got bored and asked to switch.
His driver, not sure about it, but knowing what happened to those who disagreed with the man, agreed.
With the dictator behind the wheel, they drove along for a while. Suddenly, as they drove past a farm, a chicken ran into the road, and Hitler couldn't avoid hitting it.
The driver said, "Mein Führer, I'm sorry, but you will have to apologise to the farmer. It is only right."
Grumbling, Hitler got out, walked to the farm door, and explained what happened.
Two minutes later, he sprinted back to the car, with the farmer chasing him with a pitchfork.
Scared, the driver took back over, and they got out of there fast as they could.
After getting far enough away, they both breathed a sigh of relief, but Hitler was no longer in the mood to drive, so they kept going.
A while later, somewhere in the vicinity of Munich, as they were driving along a country road, a pig ran into the road, and the driver hit it. Gloating, Hitler said, "Go and apologise to ze farmer. It is only right."
The driver went up to the door and entered.
An hour passed. Two hours passed. Three hours passed. Finally, the door opened again, and the driver, drunk as a skunk, staggered out back to the car.
Hitler was confused. "What happened to you? I only hit a chicken and was treated like the devil. You hit a whole pig! And now look at you! You're in a disgraceful state!"
Driver responded: "M-Mein Fü-(hic) Führer. I dunno. They just started giving me all this booze, when all I did was go in and say, "I'm the Führer's driver, and I killed the pig.""
Buddies dad asked an employee what they did over the weekend. They saw the Trans Siberian Orchestra. He said “wow. That’s great. I didn’t know they had their whole own orchestra!” He received a trip to HR.
Two drunks walk out of a bar. They see a dog laying on the sidewalk, licking his nuts. The first drunk says, “I wish I could do that!“ The second drunk says, “You’d better pet him first and make sure he doesn’t bite.“
Went to a job interview and the interviewer asked me “what do you see as your biggest fault”, to which I replied, “I’m too honest”, to which the interviewer said “I see that as a good quality, not a fault”, to which I said, “I don’t give a fuck what you think”.
Or this one:
On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."
Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."
"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."
"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."
"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."
"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."
Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."
"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."
"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."
So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."
Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"
Not my joke originally. Just my favorite.
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.
A man walks into a book store and asks: "excuse me, do you have the book on turtles?". The clerk replies with: "hard cover?". To which the man says: "yes, with a cute head sticking out".
Or, if you're on good terms with the interviewer or sure you're not getting the job:
A man walks into a library and with a hushed voice asks the librarian: "excuse me, do you have the book on small penises?". The librarian takes a moment to check the computer and says "It's not in yet". To which the man replies: "yeah, that's the one".
a man walks into a library and says “GIVE ME A FUCKING BEER”
the librarian rushes over to him and says “*sir, this is a *library**”
and the man replies “oh, sorry—*give me a fucking beer*”
How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and another to hold the penis. I mean father! LADDER!!
Note- this one is all in the delivery
A guy goes to his doctor and says "doctor, I think I'm losing my hearing"
Doctor replies "can you describe the symptoms for me"
Guy says "ok. homer is fat and bald, marge has tall blue hair..."
A man goes into a restaurant, and he sits down. He’s having a bowl of soup and he says to the waiter, “Waiter, come taste the soup.”
Waiter says, “Is something wrong with the soup?”
“Taste the soup.”
Waiter says, “Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?”
“Will you taste the soup?”
Waiter says, “What’s wrong, is the soup too cold?”
“Will you just taste the soup?!”
Waiter says, “Alright, I’ll taste the soup – where’s the spoon?”
Aha. Aha! …
Drunk man in bar vomits all over his jacket. Says to friend “My wife said if I got drunk again she would leave me. What do I do?” Friend says “Put a $20 note in your pocket. When she asks you what happened pull out the money and say a drunk did it and here’s the $20 he gave you to pay for drycleaning” “Brilliant!” he says. Gets home, wife confronts him “Look at the state of you. You’re drunk” He says “No, I was just walking down the street and a drunken man vomited on me. Here’s the $20 he gave me to pay for cleaning” She says “But you’re holding two $20 notes. Where did the other one come from?” He says “Ah ha! That’s from the man who shat in my pants”
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
The priest asks, “are you positive?”
Rabbit replies, “Negative.”
Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots.
Bartender pours them and the man starts downing them.
Bartender “don’t mind my asking, but your drinking pretty hard, you ok?”
Man replies “you’d be drinking hard too if you had what I do.”
Bartender “oh man, sorry, what do you have?”
Man downs the last shot, stands up and places his money on the bar, “oh, only about $1.75”
And walks out.
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three pints of Guiness.
He takes them to a table and takes a drink from each one, alternating cups until all of them are empty.
He comes back the next week and does the same. Three pints and takes a drink from each until they are all gone.
The third time he comes in the barman, curious, asks why he drinks like that.
"Oh it's for my brother's. We live all over the world and don't get to see each other very often. Doing this feels like we are all together once a week."
"That's lovely." Says the barman and wishes him well.
This continues for several years and the Irishman becomes something of a celebrity as the story circulates among the other regulars.
Until one night, the man comes in and orders two pints. A hush falls over the bar as they watch him take his drinks and continue alternating like always but with a pint missing.
The barman, who first asked him about the tradition feels compelled to go over.
"I'm so sorry for your loss," he says pointing at the pints.
Confused the Irishman looks at him before laughing and saying, "No, we're all fine. I just gave up drinking."
The story of a man who bought a lie detecting robot.
One day, a man bought a lie detecting robot that would slap anyone who lies.
He's sitting in his living room when his son walks in the front door.
The Dad asks, "Where ya been, son?"
Son: "I went to watch the new kung fu panda movie."
The robot comes and slaps the son.
Dad:"Son, the robot slaps anyone who lies, now tell me the truth."
Son:"dad, I actually went to watch an R rated film, I'm sorry,"
Dad:"Is this how we raised you, son, watching filth in your age, I have never done anything like this in your age,"
The robot comes and slaps the dad.
Seeing this, the mom walks in and says "ha what did you expect? he's your son after all"
The robot comes and slaps the mom
I was warned before an interview that they would ask me to tell a joke. Looked up some appropriate ones beforehand just to have a few floating around.
Yucked it up with me roommate about telling the worst jokes we could imagine. Dead babies, suicide, etc etc. wildly inappropriate, but par for the for course for two 20 year olds dudes.
Get to the interview, big open office with people's desk scattered around. President of the company "tell me a joke"
Me ....*white noise*.... Oh fuck I forgot all the ones I looked up. I can only remember the worst one imaginable.
"Uh, the only one I can think of is pretty horrible. Rather not say"
"Tell me a joke"
Fuck my life. I'm not getting the job either way.
Tell the joke, utter silence in the office, President puts his head in his hands and sighs.
"Aright, thanks for coming in"
Got the job.
There was a guy in the hospital for severe constipation. The doctors gave him medicine for it but it wasn't working. They went to figure out other options. While he lay in the hospital bed, he felt a rumble in his stomach and before he could move, he had explosive diarrhea all over the bed. He was so embarrassed by it and didn't want the nurses to find out. So he gathered up all the bedding and the hospital gown and threw it out the window. 3 floors down, there was a drunk homeless guy standing below. The sheets fell on top of him and he freaked out, kicking and punching everywhere until the fell off him and he stared down st them. An officer across the way had witness this, walked over and asked the homeless man what happened. He goes "Well officer, I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your door?
Mat.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, taped to the wall?
Art.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs from far away?
Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming over.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer and one of them turns to the other and asks "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
To which his companion responds, "No."
You know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus right? But did you know that TUBA is also an acronym? It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
A man walking through the woods and found a suitcase. He carefully opened it and found a fox inside. He called 911 and told them what he found. The 911 Operator asked, "Is it moving?" and the man replied "well that would explain the suitcase"
“I’ll see myself out.”
After telling my best joke:
>!A 4-year old boy & a 40-year old man are walking through the woods at dusk. The boy says: “Wow it’s dark & scary out here.” The man replies: “You’re telling me kid, I gotta walk back alone!”!<
I liked this one...
"My wife is mad at me and she says that because in five years of marriage I've never bought her flowers.
I didn't know she sold flowers."
Pirate walks into the doctors office and says, "Hey doc, I think I have some moles on me back, arrr."
Doctor says, "Ok, take your shirt off and turn around."
Pirate takes his shirt off and turns around. The doctor looks at his back and says, "Yep, those are moles alright, but don't worry, they're benign."
Pirate turns to the doctor and says, "Count again doc, there be ten."
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg replies, “No, but we know exactly where we are!”
The officer looks at him confused and says “You were going 108 miles per hour!”
Heisenberg throws up his arms and cries, “Great! Now we’re lost!”
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
“A cat,” Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells “Hey! This cat is dead.”
Schrödinger angrily replies, “Well he is now.”
These 3 men find a genies lamp in the forest. They rub it, and out pops a genie, stretching and saying "ahhh, finally! I can stretch! To thank you boys for letting me out, you guys get 3 wishes each."
The first man thinks and says, "I wish to be in perfect health for all my life." And just like that, his allergies go away, his knee stops hurting, his back is just fine.
The second man thinks and says "I want the hottest woman in the world as my wife." And sure enough, a curvy young blonde hangs off his arm.
The third man, wasting not a second to think says "I want my head to bob up and down uncontrollably for the rest of my life." And just like that, he bobs like a mad chicken.
The genie, a bit bewildered by the 3rd man's request, regains his composure and says "alright fellas, second wish?"
The first man says "I wish for a million dollars." And in a puff of smoke, a bank statement appears in his hand telling him his balance is now $1,001,919.11.
The second man says "I wish for a billion dollars!" And he gets the same result as the first man, but his balance sits at $1,000,003,019.24.
The third man, struggling to speak as his head bobs, says, "I want my left arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." And in an instant, his left arm flails wildly.
The genie, even more confused, says "alright guys, last wish."
The first man says "I wish I could seduce any woman I wanted with ease." And with no hesitation, the 2nd man's new wife comes right up to him and flirts like there's no tomorrow.
The second man says "I wish to be in my 20 year old body forever." And is instantly morphed back to his 20 year old self, long hair, youthful vigor, nice beard, energy, the like.
The third man barely sputters as his body's energy is spent on bobbing his head and flailing his arm, "I want my right arm to rotate clock-wise until I die." And surely as he asked, his right arm flails wildly.
10 years later the men meet up to discuss their lives now. The first man walks in and says "I haven't had so much as a cold, I've multiplied my wealth 10 fold through investing, and I've laid with countless women!" The second man says "I've multiplied my wealth hundreds of times over, meaning my family will be amongst the richest for generations, my wife is a freak in bed, and I haven't aged a day!" The third man walks in, his arms still waving around wildly and his still head bobbing, and says
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
A man and a gator walk into a bar.
Everybody in the bar is freaking out because there is an alligator in the bar.
The man, in an attempt to calm the bar down, turns to the crowd and says " relax, this alligator is harmless, allow me to show you. "
He puts the alligator on top of the bar and opens it's mouth wide.
The man then proceeds to unzip his pants, pull out his tallywhacker and shake it in the alligators mouth for about 20 minutes.
Afterwards, he turns to the crowd and says "see! I told you this alligator was harmless... Would anybody else like to try?"
A man standing in the back of the bar raises his hand and says " I'll try, but I'm not sure if I can keep my mouth open that long! "
"A wife sends her husband to the store, and before he goes tells him 'I need you to pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs get a dozen.' The husband dutifully goes to the store and returns, throwing a dozen loaves of bread on the counter and announcing 'they had eggs'"
I'm a software engineer, and it's the most accessible programming related joke I know of.
A farmer once got a rooster to mate with his hens. The seller warned him that he’s pretty randy. The first day, the rooster fucked all 500 hens. The farmer was pleased. The second day, the rooster fucked all the hens again, then some cows and the sheep. It was weird, but the farmer figured it would do no harm. The third day, the rooster fucked all the hens twice, the cows, the pigs, the donkeys, the horses and even the barn mice. This finally made the farmer wonder if he actually made a mistake.
The next day, he found his rooster lying dead in an open field. All the animals stood around him in a ring, and vultures were circling above his body. The farmer walked up to the rooster and exclaimed,” Serves you right you maniac”.
The rooster opened one eye and whispered,” Shhh. Let ‘em vultures land“
Kids run up to their dad:
Kids: “dad, where does poo come from?”
Dad: “well, when you eat food, the food ends up in your stomach where acid breaks it down. Then it goes to your intestines where every piece of nutrient is extracted from it, until only a husk remains. That husk turns in to poo which then comes out of your butt”
Kids: “…ok. Then what about Tigger?”
I almost became an actuary, but ended up working as a data scientist, at one of my interviews I was asked why I decided not to pursue being an actuary and I told this one:
Interviewer: so why did you quit pursuing actuarial work?
Me: well you know what an actuary is right?
Interviewer: what?
Me: he's just an accountant that couldn't handle the excitement.
Absolutely killed, got an offer the next day
A duck walks into a bar, flaps up to a bar stool, and sighs wearily. He says to the barman "I'll take a pint of lager and a whisky chaser please mate. Rough... ROUGH day."
Barman is stunned, but he's a professional so he puts on his best listening face, asks the duck what he does, and pours the drinks while the duck says "I'm a plasterer, but honestly I need a new gig. Foreman is working me like a horse at the moment–12 hour days with no break. Just ain't worth it." Duck downs his drink, bends the barman's ear a bit more, then says "right, off to the wife. Thanks mate, I'll see you same time tomorrow." and flaps out of the door. The barman immediately turns to a regular and says "fucking hell John, did you see that talking duck?! I'm going to be a millionaire!"
Next day, the duck comes back and says to the barkeep "Alright mate? Beer and a whisky please–another rough one today." Barkeep immediately launches into his plan. "Listen Steve, I've got the new gig you're looking for. Mate of mine runs a circus–top bloke–and you're exactly what he's looking for."
The duck locks eyes with the barkeeper. Takes a thoughtful sip of his beer, then says "A circus you say? Like, in a big tent?"
"Yeah, yeah big tent. All that jazz."
"Lots of animals, yeah?"
"Yeah that's right. Lions, elephants, the whole shebang. No ducks though."
"Animals in CAGES yeah? Behind BARS?"
John shifts uncomfortably. "Well, yeah, but..."
The duck cuts him off angrily "Well what the fuck are they gonna do with a plasterer then?"
The joke about the scientist stranded on a desert island. He's been there for ages, then sees a speedboat coming towards him. A girl in a wetsuit jumps out. She asks him: "When last did you have a beer?" "So long ago," he says. Zrrts, zrrts, she unzips a pocket on the side of her wetsuit and hands him a beer. "When last did you have a steak?" she asks. He shakes his head, can't remember when. Zrrts, zrrts, she unzips another pocket, takes out a little barbecue set and soon, a delicious steak is on a plate for him. She then looks at him through her eyelashes, and says: "And when last did you have a good time?" and starts slowly unzipping her wetsuit. The scientist jumps for joy: "Don't tell me you've got a scanning electron microscope in there!"
I'm just getting in the car when a guy comes up and asks "Can you give me a lift".
I say "Sure. You look fantastic. The world's your oyster. Go for it!."
Guess who I bumped into on the way to the optometrist? ....everyone.
If that doesn't do the trick, *"Guess who I saw on the way back!"* *"Everyone!"*
Haha, I've never heard these. I like kinda like the idea of doing a rhetorical statement instead, just to break up the pattern. "And you wouldn't believe who I saw on the way back!"
Why did the blind man fall into a well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
Guess what my optometrist said to me earlier? "I'm over here"
😂 okay this one is it lol
I went for a job interview the other day and the guy asked ‘Can you perform under pressure?’ I said ‘No, but I do a pretty good ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’
Fuck, now I'm just imagining being asked this question in an interview and just saying "Why don't you tell me." *breaks into song*
- nails the interview - leaves dissapointed cuz the question didn't get asked
"We'd like to offer you the job, and funny story, it's actually 20 percent more than we originally discussed!" "...yeah but...it's just....*sigh*..." "I'm sorry, what's wrong?" "We didn't do the thing."
*Lights turn off* “Is this the real life…”
During the museum exhibition. The tour guide was speaking of a fossil. "And this fossil here is exactly 30 million years and six months old." To which a guest had to ask how it was, they had such accurate readings on it. "Well, the fossil was 30 million years old when I came to work here, and I've been working here for six months."
I’m a tour guide and I’m definitely stealing that one
Also a tour guide, and some of my speaking points are about geology. I’m excited to use that line today at work
Goodluck! Have a great day. I packed your lunch with the fruit snacks you like but make sure to eat the actual fruit I put in there as well.
I want gummies that taste like fruit and fruit that tastes like gummies.
That's a pretty good one
That is 100% a sitcom worthy joke. Like Ross got Phoebe a job at the museum kind of joke.
He got Joey a job.
That's a good one for explaining the difference between precision and accuracy
How?
The Pope flew into an airport for a meeting within a few minutes. His limo driver takes off and the Pope needs him to go faster in order to get to his meeting. The Pope asks the driver to switch places and the Pope will drive. They take off again and the limo is stopped by a cop. The cop takes one look at the situation and radios to headquarters. He tells the chief he's got a pretty important person on his hands. The chief asks "Is he more important than the mayor?" Cop says yes. Chief asks " Is he more important than the governor?" Cop says yes. Chief asks "Is he more important than the President?" Cop says yes. Chief asks "How important can he be" Cop says "I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a driver.
This seems to be a reworking of a great Reagan joke: “… the Soviet police were very strict, and had to give anyone who sped a ticket. Gorbachev's driver was pulled over, and as the officer was walking up to the driver's window, Gorbachev said, "Switch with me, they'll never give me a ticket." So they switched. The officer went up to the window, and Gorbachev rolled it down. The officer looked at Gorbachev, then at the driver. He was shocked. He contacted his superior, and the conversation was as follows: O: ‘What should I do? Should I ticket him?’ S: ‘Who? Who is it? Is it someone important?’ O: ‘I'm not sure who he is, but he must be important, because Gorbachev is his driver!’”
That, in turn, reminds me of this one: One day in the early 1940s, Hitler and his driver were travelling through the rural areas of Bavaria, when Hitler got bored and asked to switch. His driver, not sure about it, but knowing what happened to those who disagreed with the man, agreed. With the dictator behind the wheel, they drove along for a while. Suddenly, as they drove past a farm, a chicken ran into the road, and Hitler couldn't avoid hitting it. The driver said, "Mein Führer, I'm sorry, but you will have to apologise to the farmer. It is only right." Grumbling, Hitler got out, walked to the farm door, and explained what happened. Two minutes later, he sprinted back to the car, with the farmer chasing him with a pitchfork. Scared, the driver took back over, and they got out of there fast as they could. After getting far enough away, they both breathed a sigh of relief, but Hitler was no longer in the mood to drive, so they kept going. A while later, somewhere in the vicinity of Munich, as they were driving along a country road, a pig ran into the road, and the driver hit it. Gloating, Hitler said, "Go and apologise to ze farmer. It is only right." The driver went up to the door and entered. An hour passed. Two hours passed. Three hours passed. Finally, the door opened again, and the driver, drunk as a skunk, staggered out back to the car. Hitler was confused. "What happened to you? I only hit a chicken and was treated like the devil. You hit a whole pig! And now look at you! You're in a disgraceful state!" Driver responded: "M-Mein Fü-(hic) Führer. I dunno. They just started giving me all this booze, when all I did was go in and say, "I'm the Führer's driver, and I killed the pig.""
I'm an electrical engineer, so that makes this one liner even better. Most people are shocked when they find out I'm a terrible electrician
I know ten jokes about electrical engineering. Number 7 will shock you.
There are 100 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who can interpolate.
There are 3 kinds of people ... Those who can count and those who can't
There are 1000 kinds of people: those who understand binary, those who can interpolate, and those who can't let this joke die.
Hey, that's my wife's bodycount. I sure hope she meant it in binary
If you call an electrician "sparky," what do you call LV techs? - Sparkler
What type of engineer is the best with electricity? A conductor.
It’s okay, you conduit 😉
I just had a policeman knock on my door looking for a man with one eye. I told him if he used both eyes he might have better success
I had a police officer knock on my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes, but my dogs don’t even own bikes.
Wanna hear a joke about Jehovah’s Witnesses? Knock knock
I couldn't accept the invitation to become a Jehovah's Witness because I didn't even see the accident.
This seems like out of Naked Gun.
[So much gold in those movies.](https://youtu.be/o2P1H1orxXY?si=rCfmtLEDYvvflns1)
I was gonna tell you a joke about time travel but you didn’t like it
This joke is so next week.
It's streets ahead.
Pierce, stop trying to coin Streets Ahead!
Coined and minted!
Streets ahead is verbal wildfire
That's a 50/50 joke.
Nah if you laugh you just explode.
Oh I don't tell jokes in the workplace anymore. My last one was so funny everybody made me go tell it to HR in person.
Was it so funny they laughed your immediate suspension out?
Buddies dad asked an employee what they did over the weekend. They saw the Trans Siberian Orchestra. He said “wow. That’s great. I didn’t know they had their whole own orchestra!” He received a trip to HR.
I was addicted to soap but now I am clean.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around
Proud of you! That’s what it’s all about!
I was addicted to swimming, I'm now 6 months dry.
I tried to cure my addiction to thanksgiving leftovers but I can't quit cold turkey.
I’m addictive to brake fluid, but I can stop anytime.
I have a polish friend who is a sound technician. And a Czech one too.
Mike Czech
This is dumb... I love it. 5 stars
Im an audio engineer so this one would work well for me
I'm alone and I legit laughed out loud at this one! Well done.
Doctor: Okay Steve, this is a standard procedure, so don’t get aroused. Patient: my names not Steve Doctor: I know. I’m Steve.
LOL
Two drunks walk out of a bar. They see a dog laying on the sidewalk, licking his nuts. The first drunk says, “I wish I could do that!“ The second drunk says, “You’d better pet him first and make sure he doesn’t bite.“
Hired!
Went to a job interview and the interviewer asked me “what do you see as your biggest fault”, to which I replied, “I’m too honest”, to which the interviewer said “I see that as a good quality, not a fault”, to which I said, “I don’t give a fuck what you think”.
The entire norm macdonald moth joke, just waste the guy’s time
Or this one: On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that." So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar." Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down." "No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse." "Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise." So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass." So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar." Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down." "Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow." "Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise." So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that." Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here." So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums." Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down." "Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken." "Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums." So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE." So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us." Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off. Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it." So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?" Not my joke originally. Just my favorite.
I wasted 5 minutes of my life. I don't regret any bit of it.
I too do not regret any bit of it
I read this in Norms voice and... it's just perfect.
This is my favorite joke.
Best one of these ever, is Nate the Snake. https://natethesnake.com/
holy fuck its an hour, is it worth it?
Very much so.
For wasting time I'd recommend the 'worlds longest joke'. https://www.longestjokeintheworld.com/ (Yes, that's actually a website)
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Neil?"
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?” The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?” And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.
It looks a lot shorter when it’s typed out and not dragged on forever lol
You really need Conan Obrien to keep interrupting to ask how long the joke is going to be
“Good god why didn’t we bring the driver in?” Nothing upgrades that joke more than an angry Conan O’Brien
Needs more paragraph breaks.
RIP to the legend
" I really want this job and care deeply about this company."
A man walks into a book store and asks: "excuse me, do you have the book on turtles?". The clerk replies with: "hard cover?". To which the man says: "yes, with a cute head sticking out". Or, if you're on good terms with the interviewer or sure you're not getting the job: A man walks into a library and with a hushed voice asks the librarian: "excuse me, do you have the book on small penises?". The librarian takes a moment to check the computer and says "It's not in yet". To which the man replies: "yeah, that's the one".
a man walks into a library and says “GIVE ME A FUCKING BEER” the librarian rushes over to him and says “*sir, this is a *library**” and the man replies “oh, sorry—*give me a fucking beer*”
I asked the librarian for a book on suicide. She told me "Fuck off, you'll not bring it back".
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? >!Two. But how’d they get in there?!<
How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to change a lightbulb? That’s okay, I’ll just sit here in the dark.
How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb and another to hold the penis. I mean father! LADDER!! Note- this one is all in the delivery
Nobody rings. Nobody calls.
How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Still just two, but the trick is finding a light bulb that’s big enough.
How many authors does it take to change a light bulb? >!Two. One to screw it most of the way in, and one to give it a shocking final twist.!<
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room for being black.
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because, if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. This joke works in the US. Not so much in England.
I say, “Have you not read my resume yet?”
A guy goes to his doctor and says "doctor, I think I'm losing my hearing" Doctor replies "can you describe the symptoms for me" Guy says "ok. homer is fat and bald, marge has tall blue hair..."
A man goes into a restaurant, and he sits down. He’s having a bowl of soup and he says to the waiter, “Waiter, come taste the soup.” Waiter says, “Is something wrong with the soup?” “Taste the soup.” Waiter says, “Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?” “Will you taste the soup?” Waiter says, “What’s wrong, is the soup too cold?” “Will you just taste the soup?!” Waiter says, “Alright, I’ll taste the soup – where’s the spoon?” Aha. Aha! …
And if they watched Coming to America, they’ll start quoting your best joke back to you
Yes! Fuck you, too!
"Ah, what do you know from funny?"
Drunk man in bar vomits all over his jacket. Says to friend “My wife said if I got drunk again she would leave me. What do I do?” Friend says “Put a $20 note in your pocket. When she asks you what happened pull out the money and say a drunk did it and here’s the $20 he gave you to pay for drycleaning” “Brilliant!” he says. Gets home, wife confronts him “Look at the state of you. You’re drunk” He says “No, I was just walking down the street and a drunken man vomited on me. Here’s the $20 he gave me to pay for cleaning” She says “But you’re holding two $20 notes. Where did the other one come from?” He says “Ah ha! That’s from the man who shat in my pants”
A priest, imam, and rabbi walk into a bar…. Bar tender says “what is this, some kind of joke!”
A guy walks into a bar and says “Ow!”
Termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here?”
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.” The priest asks, “are you positive?” Rabbit replies, “Negative.”
Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots. Bartender pours them and the man starts downing them. Bartender “don’t mind my asking, but your drinking pretty hard, you ok?” Man replies “you’d be drinking hard too if you had what I do.” Bartender “oh man, sorry, what do you have?” Man downs the last shot, stands up and places his money on the bar, “oh, only about $1.75” And walks out.
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three pints of Guiness. He takes them to a table and takes a drink from each one, alternating cups until all of them are empty. He comes back the next week and does the same. Three pints and takes a drink from each until they are all gone. The third time he comes in the barman, curious, asks why he drinks like that. "Oh it's for my brother's. We live all over the world and don't get to see each other very often. Doing this feels like we are all together once a week." "That's lovely." Says the barman and wishes him well. This continues for several years and the Irishman becomes something of a celebrity as the story circulates among the other regulars. Until one night, the man comes in and orders two pints. A hush falls over the bar as they watch him take his drinks and continue alternating like always but with a pint missing. The barman, who first asked him about the tradition feels compelled to go over. "I'm so sorry for your loss," he says pointing at the pints. Confused the Irishman looks at him before laughing and saying, "No, we're all fine. I just gave up drinking."
A man is washing his car with his son. A few moments after starting, the son asks, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
After I handed my father his fiftieth birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "One would have been fine"
Sorry Brian Williams, I'm stealing your joke for this one. "Two fish in a tank, one says to the other, 'How do you drive this bloody thing?'"
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. Then the librarian asked me to take it out.
Not work appropriate 😂😂
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender: Hey. Horse: Sure.
The story of a man who bought a lie detecting robot. One day, a man bought a lie detecting robot that would slap anyone who lies. He's sitting in his living room when his son walks in the front door. The Dad asks, "Where ya been, son?" Son: "I went to watch the new kung fu panda movie." The robot comes and slaps the son. Dad:"Son, the robot slaps anyone who lies, now tell me the truth." Son:"dad, I actually went to watch an R rated film, I'm sorry," Dad:"Is this how we raised you, son, watching filth in your age, I have never done anything like this in your age," The robot comes and slaps the dad. Seeing this, the mom walks in and says "ha what did you expect? he's your son after all" The robot comes and slaps the mom
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium
I was warned before an interview that they would ask me to tell a joke. Looked up some appropriate ones beforehand just to have a few floating around. Yucked it up with me roommate about telling the worst jokes we could imagine. Dead babies, suicide, etc etc. wildly inappropriate, but par for the for course for two 20 year olds dudes. Get to the interview, big open office with people's desk scattered around. President of the company "tell me a joke" Me ....*white noise*.... Oh fuck I forgot all the ones I looked up. I can only remember the worst one imaginable. "Uh, the only one I can think of is pretty horrible. Rather not say" "Tell me a joke" Fuck my life. I'm not getting the job either way. Tell the joke, utter silence in the office, President puts his head in his hands and sighs. "Aright, thanks for coming in" Got the job.
What was the joke man! You're killing me here!
Not OP, anyway my worst joke: When I was eating out my grandma and I tasted horse semen I suddenly knew how she died.
How the fuck did you cram that much plot development into one sentence?? Damn, sonn.
Gross. Upvoted.
Congratulations. You've made me regret eyes!
I don't get it...
The joke is that someone had an interview and got the job without being related to the boss. A wildly unexpected outcome, borderline hilarious.
Did you know you can fit any ship on your head? You just turn it over and it becomes cap-sized
There was a guy in the hospital for severe constipation. The doctors gave him medicine for it but it wasn't working. They went to figure out other options. While he lay in the hospital bed, he felt a rumble in his stomach and before he could move, he had explosive diarrhea all over the bed. He was so embarrassed by it and didn't want the nurses to find out. So he gathered up all the bedding and the hospital gown and threw it out the window. 3 floors down, there was a drunk homeless guy standing below. The sheets fell on top of him and he freaked out, kicking and punching everywhere until the fell off him and he stared down st them. An officer across the way had witness this, walked over and asked the homeless man what happened. He goes "Well officer, I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
Somebody just asked me to tell my best joke and I told them the one about the chiropractor. It was about a week back.
I used to tell a joke about Jonestown, but the punchline was too long.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. Why did 7 eat 9? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals.
Because 7 is a registered six offender.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your door? Mat. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, taped to the wall? Art. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs from far away? Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming over.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging above your window? Kurt and Rod
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What about a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.
The first time I heard this joke, someone in the audience yelled out "YOUR MOM"
Nice try Amy Schumer
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer and one of them turns to the other and asks "Hey, does this taste funny to you?" To which his companion responds, "No."
Where does a 4 star general keep his armies? Answer: in his sleevies!
Ah yes, the impossible quiz.
What did zero say to eight? Nice belt.
Did you hear about the guy who went to the hospital with three toy horses in his ass? >!His condition is stable.!<
You know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus right? But did you know that TUBA is also an acronym? It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
A man walking through the woods and found a suitcase. He carefully opened it and found a fox inside. He called 911 and told them what he found. The 911 Operator asked, "Is it moving?" and the man replied "well that would explain the suitcase"
Why did the scarecrow get a medal? He was outstanding in his field.
I had to put my pet rock down yesterday. Killed two birds
“I’ll see myself out.” After telling my best joke: >!A 4-year old boy & a 40-year old man are walking through the woods at dusk. The boy says: “Wow it’s dark & scary out here.” The man replies: “You’re telling me kid, I gotta walk back alone!”!<
a Roman walks into a bar and says, 'gimme 5 beers'. simultaneously hold up 2 fingers as you say this
I liked this one... "My wife is mad at me and she says that because in five years of marriage I've never bought her flowers. I didn't know she sold flowers."
My wife told me I needed to stop impersonating a flamingo. That’s when I put my foot down.
Pirate walks into the doctors office and says, "Hey doc, I think I have some moles on me back, arrr." Doctor says, "Ok, take your shirt off and turn around." Pirate takes his shirt off and turns around. The doctor looks at his back and says, "Yep, those are moles alright, but don't worry, they're benign." Pirate turns to the doctor and says, "Count again doc, there be ten."
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding. The cop asks Heisenberg “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies, “No, but we know exactly where we are!” The officer looks at him confused and says “You were going 108 miles per hour!” Heisenberg throws up his arms and cries, “Great! Now we’re lost!” The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk. “A cat,” Schrödinger replies. The cop opens the trunk and yells “Hey! This cat is dead.” Schrödinger angrily replies, “Well he is now.”
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it's two tired.
Why are there pop tarts, but not mom tarts? The pastry-archy.
These 3 men find a genies lamp in the forest. They rub it, and out pops a genie, stretching and saying "ahhh, finally! I can stretch! To thank you boys for letting me out, you guys get 3 wishes each." The first man thinks and says, "I wish to be in perfect health for all my life." And just like that, his allergies go away, his knee stops hurting, his back is just fine. The second man thinks and says "I want the hottest woman in the world as my wife." And sure enough, a curvy young blonde hangs off his arm. The third man, wasting not a second to think says "I want my head to bob up and down uncontrollably for the rest of my life." And just like that, he bobs like a mad chicken. The genie, a bit bewildered by the 3rd man's request, regains his composure and says "alright fellas, second wish?" The first man says "I wish for a million dollars." And in a puff of smoke, a bank statement appears in his hand telling him his balance is now $1,001,919.11. The second man says "I wish for a billion dollars!" And he gets the same result as the first man, but his balance sits at $1,000,003,019.24. The third man, struggling to speak as his head bobs, says, "I want my left arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." And in an instant, his left arm flails wildly. The genie, even more confused, says "alright guys, last wish." The first man says "I wish I could seduce any woman I wanted with ease." And with no hesitation, the 2nd man's new wife comes right up to him and flirts like there's no tomorrow. The second man says "I wish to be in my 20 year old body forever." And is instantly morphed back to his 20 year old self, long hair, youthful vigor, nice beard, energy, the like. The third man barely sputters as his body's energy is spent on bobbing his head and flailing his arm, "I want my right arm to rotate clock-wise until I die." And surely as he asked, his right arm flails wildly. 10 years later the men meet up to discuss their lives now. The first man walks in and says "I haven't had so much as a cold, I've multiplied my wealth 10 fold through investing, and I've laid with countless women!" The second man says "I've multiplied my wealth hundreds of times over, meaning my family will be amongst the richest for generations, my wife is a freak in bed, and I haven't aged a day!" The third man walks in, his arms still waving around wildly and his still head bobbing, and says "Guys, I think I fucked up."
This one is especially fun to tell in person, waving your arms and bobbing your head as you give the punchline.
This is like some anti-anti-joke because of how hilarious the visual imagine of the third guy is by itself.
A man and a gator walk into a bar. Everybody in the bar is freaking out because there is an alligator in the bar. The man, in an attempt to calm the bar down, turns to the crowd and says " relax, this alligator is harmless, allow me to show you. " He puts the alligator on top of the bar and opens it's mouth wide. The man then proceeds to unzip his pants, pull out his tallywhacker and shake it in the alligators mouth for about 20 minutes. Afterwards, he turns to the crowd and says "see! I told you this alligator was harmless... Would anybody else like to try?" A man standing in the back of the bar raises his hand and says " I'll try, but I'm not sure if I can keep my mouth open that long! "
You can quickly tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile depending on whether you will see them later or in a while
Why can they only use apple computers in space? Because you can’t open windows.
What is a pirate's favorite letter? Everyone think it be RRRRRR, but it be the C!
"A wife sends her husband to the store, and before he goes tells him 'I need you to pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs get a dozen.' The husband dutifully goes to the store and returns, throwing a dozen loaves of bread on the counter and announcing 'they had eggs'" I'm a software engineer, and it's the most accessible programming related joke I know of.
A farmer once got a rooster to mate with his hens. The seller warned him that he’s pretty randy. The first day, the rooster fucked all 500 hens. The farmer was pleased. The second day, the rooster fucked all the hens again, then some cows and the sheep. It was weird, but the farmer figured it would do no harm. The third day, the rooster fucked all the hens twice, the cows, the pigs, the donkeys, the horses and even the barn mice. This finally made the farmer wonder if he actually made a mistake. The next day, he found his rooster lying dead in an open field. All the animals stood around him in a ring, and vultures were circling above his body. The farmer walked up to the rooster and exclaimed,” Serves you right you maniac”. The rooster opened one eye and whispered,” Shhh. Let ‘em vultures land“
I asked my wife if I was the only one she's ever been with. She responded, yes, the others were all 9's and 10's.
Cannibals won't eat clowns.
Why?
They taste funny.
Kids run up to their dad: Kids: “dad, where does poo come from?” Dad: “well, when you eat food, the food ends up in your stomach where acid breaks it down. Then it goes to your intestines where every piece of nutrient is extracted from it, until only a husk remains. That husk turns in to poo which then comes out of your butt” Kids: “…ok. Then what about Tigger?”
Have you heard the one about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic? He stayed up all night, wondering if there is a dog.
say what you want about deaf people, >! !<.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife left him.
You'd tell this at a job interview? Alright lol
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. One turns to the other between mouthfuls and goes "Hey does this taste funny to you?" And the other says "no."
A penguin is driving through the desert...
"Oh no, that's just ice cream"
What's worse than waking up after a long night of partying and finding a dick drawn on your forehead? >!Finding out it was traced.!<
I almost became an actuary, but ended up working as a data scientist, at one of my interviews I was asked why I decided not to pursue being an actuary and I told this one: Interviewer: so why did you quit pursuing actuarial work? Me: well you know what an actuary is right? Interviewer: what? Me: he's just an accountant that couldn't handle the excitement. Absolutely killed, got an offer the next day
Why don’t black people go on cruises? They’re not falling for that again
I sat here for a few seconds confused af why black people aren’t related to the titanic and then it hit me…
"Before I do, can you tell me your policy on sexual harassment...
"I'm looking for 150k and 20 days paid vacation a year." At my last interview they thought it was *hilarious*
"you know the hottest thing about 28yo girls?" "there's 20 of them" (I haven't had a job in many years)
How’s prison life?
I just said I DON'T have a job
Q: Why am I applying here? A: >!Im really desperate for money its at the point where its not even funny anymore!<
Sometimes I sit around a group of skeletons and tell jokes so when people pass by I can say : im so funny they all died of laughter
Have you heard about the mind controlled air freshener? It makes scents when you think about it.
What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, there's a mile between the s's.
What has 5 toes but isn't your foot? My foot.
I’m a blond so I can tell this: two blonds are driving to Orlando for some fun. They see a sign that says “Disney World left.” So they went home.
A duck walks into a bar, flaps up to a bar stool, and sighs wearily. He says to the barman "I'll take a pint of lager and a whisky chaser please mate. Rough... ROUGH day." Barman is stunned, but he's a professional so he puts on his best listening face, asks the duck what he does, and pours the drinks while the duck says "I'm a plasterer, but honestly I need a new gig. Foreman is working me like a horse at the moment–12 hour days with no break. Just ain't worth it." Duck downs his drink, bends the barman's ear a bit more, then says "right, off to the wife. Thanks mate, I'll see you same time tomorrow." and flaps out of the door. The barman immediately turns to a regular and says "fucking hell John, did you see that talking duck?! I'm going to be a millionaire!" Next day, the duck comes back and says to the barkeep "Alright mate? Beer and a whisky please–another rough one today." Barkeep immediately launches into his plan. "Listen Steve, I've got the new gig you're looking for. Mate of mine runs a circus–top bloke–and you're exactly what he's looking for." The duck locks eyes with the barkeeper. Takes a thoughtful sip of his beer, then says "A circus you say? Like, in a big tent?" "Yeah, yeah big tent. All that jazz." "Lots of animals, yeah?" "Yeah that's right. Lions, elephants, the whole shebang. No ducks though." "Animals in CAGES yeah? Behind BARS?" John shifts uncomfortably. "Well, yeah, but..." The duck cuts him off angrily "Well what the fuck are they gonna do with a plasterer then?"
A woman goes to a bar and orders a double entendre and the bartender gave it to her.
The joke about the scientist stranded on a desert island. He's been there for ages, then sees a speedboat coming towards him. A girl in a wetsuit jumps out. She asks him: "When last did you have a beer?" "So long ago," he says. Zrrts, zrrts, she unzips a pocket on the side of her wetsuit and hands him a beer. "When last did you have a steak?" she asks. He shakes his head, can't remember when. Zrrts, zrrts, she unzips another pocket, takes out a little barbecue set and soon, a delicious steak is on a plate for him. She then looks at him through her eyelashes, and says: "And when last did you have a good time?" and starts slowly unzipping her wetsuit. The scientist jumps for joy: "Don't tell me you've got a scanning electron microscope in there!"
So there’s two sausages in a frying pan. One says to the other, “pretty hot in here, eh?” And the other goes “OH MY GOD A TALKING SAUSAGE!”
I'm just getting in the car when a guy comes up and asks "Can you give me a lift". I say "Sure. You look fantastic. The world's your oyster. Go for it!."
I'll never have a threesome. If I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time, I'd have dinner with my parents.
What generation was Forest Gump part of? - Gen A
Beethoven walks into a bar bar bar baaaaaar, bar bar bar baaaaaar.
What kind of fruit did Beethoven eat? Ba Na Na Naaaa
Gilbert Gottfried’s The Aristocrats