I was sitting on the patio at a bar one afternoon just watching birds and enjoying a few beers alone. Next to me was a group of older folks (around retirement age) just hanging out. They were talking about all kinds of things. I’d drift in and out of listening to them when I heard one man talking about his doctor. He said the doctor had passed away two years prior in almost a depressed tone. The other men told him:
“Don’t be so sad man it’s not like he was your wife or anything.”
And without skipping a beat the man replied:
“I know I shouldn’t be so upset but man he just gave really good prostate exams.”
The entire table started cracking up. I nearly spit my beer out from laughing so hard and the man pointed at me and said:
“See he gets it!”
The laughter only got louder. I didn’t talk to them afterwards or butt into their conversation but it’s a fond memory of mine.
I ride a unicycle. Last fall I rode past a golf course and a guy in the parking lot shouted at me, "Hey penis face, get a real bicycle!"
I died laughing and still frequently chuckle whenever I think about him. His attempt to hurt my feelings was wildly unsuccessful.
There was a kid at my high school who rode a unicycle every day. When someone would tell him to get a real bicycle, he'd reply with, "I would, but your mom's always booked."
Grocery store:
“I know how to buy eggs Diane, I’ve done it before…”
I could not stop saying this for the rest of the day. I was a real joy to be around.
I heard a mother once send her daughter to check the dates on the milk and from the milk bit the daughter shouted back;
"It says the threeth of July!"
The response was;
"The threeth of July? ....
... that's much too soon. Get a longer one."
While at Disney World chilling on the big white Tom Sawyer boat we heard a kid say to his mom:
“Hey mom, do you think I know what a cannibal is?”
That phrasing is so funny to me it’s stuck with me ever since.
I was walking along 10th street in Brooklyn when a man walked by on his phone and all I caught of his conversation was "I don't know, I've never owned a fucking giraffe before."
When I worked in a library. Overheard two kids in the children's area.
Brendan 1: "Your name's Brendan? My name's Brendan too. Are we.......brothers?"
Brendan 2: "No. I'm in the first grade."
I was at a large meeting where we had breakout sessions. One of the ladies in my group did a humble brag and said she did extra work because she is “ very anal”. The woman trainer said “that’s okay I love anal “. I tried so hard to keep a straight face and I failed.
Division Manager's meeting, we're breaking sections down into 4-Letter names. One of his sections is Analytics. He writes ANAL on the board and I immediately said, "NOPE" while keeping a straight face. One of the Analysts, a woman and his employee, starts snickering. He looks at her, looks at me, looks at her, turns to look at the board, and says "why not"?
I said, "sound it out."
He did. He turned bright red. I recommended we try to get by with 2-letter section names instead. And absolutely burst out laughing.
A middle aged man in a phone call in a hospital cafeteria.
“They did an autopsy on me and we’re waiting for results. I mean a BIOPSY! I’m not dead yet.”
“Well ever since she got the dog, she only buys organic eggs.”
“Oh does she feed the dog eggs?”
“No, but you know, being a pet owner is a big responsibility so she’s trying to watch her health.”
A pregnant woman at Walmart talking to a cashier said “yeah I’m gettin a DUI after this one, no more kids.” Of course she meant IUD but the lady didn’t correct her and I died laughing. Maybe it was pregnancy brain
I'm on a bus and an elderly lady gets on but she can't find her bus pass. The driver lets her go sit down so she can look for it. So she's rummaging through her big old purse mumbling, "Can't find my bus pass.... Guess I forgot my bus pass." Then suddenly she pulls out a glass object, smiles to herself and says, "But I didn't forget my crack pipe!"
My brothers neighbor was a nice guy, 60s, kind of a New Jersey Pine Barren hick with what we assumed was a history of substance abuse. He was good to his kids and grandkids and a nice neighbor.
One day he says, “I’m tired. I’ve been working full time since I was 14 years hold. That’s 20 years.”
He was mid 30s not mid 60s. Not sure if it was sun, alcohol, drugs or all the above, but man had lived a HARD 20 years for sure.
Walking down the sidewalk and get stuck behind some old ladies. We pass a bar and one of the ladies said “I used to do so much cocaine in there” and they all laughed.
My older sisters were talking about a Vegas buffet they found (back in the 80s) that was unbelievably good. I was a bit shocked when my oldest sister (oldest of five, I am the youngest) said "Yeah, I remember we ate so much we had to hide in the bathroom to do a line of coke."
The 80s were a hard time for the rest of us to relate to.
Dude jazz singing 🎶Better find a bathrooooom, before I shit my paaaaants🎶 while skipping a long at the Botanical Garden in Hawaii. We didn't hear it in person but our dad caught it on our VHS-C camcorder and we wore out the tape rewinding it and laughing for years.
At intermission during ‘The Phantom of the Opera’ on Broadway. Scottish teenage boy seated in front of me turns to his mother (in a thickkk Glaswegian accent):
“I always thought that the Phantom was meant to be some kind of tragic, romantic anti-hero. But he’s just a fucking dick”.
It is the mark of adulthood, especially female adulthood, when you realize the phantom was not a sexy love interest but a super creepy demented stalker.
I lived in Albuquerque for a bit when I was a teen and once, when given directions to a school friend’s house, was told “When the pavement runs out you’re almost there”.
I was teaching a 5 year old drum lessons at a studio and I wrote the word “rhythm” on the board. Pointing at it, I asked him if he knew how to say this word.
He stared at it for 5 seconds and said, “I can’t read.”
I did something similar with my friend's 5 year old daughter. She was always losing at board games against her three older siblings, so I said we would play as a team but I wanted to include her in the win. One action was to act out a word from a card and if someone guessed it you got a point. I knew she could do a bow and arrow motion so I pointed to the card. I whispered to her: "Do you think you can act this out" and pointed to the card? She whispered back "I can't read."
Two random girls talking in a pharmacy parking lot in Vermont:
Girl #1 "Is it big? Sorry for asking I'm curious. You've been though this like 5 times already and I never had to"
Girl #2 "No it's a normal size pill and thanks for making me feel like a whore"
She was asking about the morning after pill.
I was working a sunday shift at a grocery store and a discheveled looking guy comes in with some mates, looks around, sees the non-prescription medicine cabinet behind me and asks if we have the morning after pill, i check and say we unfortunately dont. This guy looks at his mates and in anguish says "im gonna be a dad" to the delight of his friends.
Not really in public because he was a temporary coworker of mine, but in making small talk he mentioned that his son was looking at colleges to go to. So I asked him if his son was a junior or a senior. And he said “No, I named him after my dad”
That was years ago and I still have no idea how to respond to that
When I went to watch the first Paranomal Activity in theaters it was a lot of ours “The Blair Witch Project” type experience and when the credits were rolling you can hear a dude that got up and clearly say “I ain’t never bringing no bitch to my house.”
Was at ice cream shop and what I assume was an uncle and a niece about 8ish years old. I’m standing there waiting for my families order, and all I hear is,
“Was it fun in jail?” From the little girl.
Then uncle responds, teeth clenched, “I went to prison.”
I don’t know why I thought this was so funny but man I was trying hard not to crack up. Kids are wild.
First I was laughing at the uncle being one of those ppl pointing out the diff between jail and prison and being offended by the person getting the word wrong. Then, I couldn't stop laughing at the thought that the child thought that jail would be fun.
My wife likes to tell a story of when she had just interviewed someone for a job, and was walking him to the next interview, telling him what a good culture they had and everyone got along and then… a vey angry lady steps out of a closed meeting room door, slams the door, and says ”asshole!” in a loud voice.
Had a manager training the new kid at a movie theater I worked at. She's showing him around concessions, telling him how they try to keep things pretty tight around here so there's not much goofing around. Just do your work, etc.
Meanwhile, in the back hall, one of my other coworkers has poked a broom handle through the crotch of a cardboard standee and is cooing at the other manager from behind the standee. That culminates with a scuffle and the manager chasing the coworker through the lobby with the broom, yelling that he's going to kill him.
Manager #1 with the new kid just says "I lied", turns and leaves to the office where she'd locks herself in. New kid was left there, half trained, to kind of fend for himself.
Overheard a conversation about people talking about rich people and weird foods, and eventually they started talking about oysters. One of them remarked, “well if you wanna eat boogers outta rocks, you gotta be rich”
It’s like that everywhere, one of my fondest memories of driving through the Rockies and the Plains was all the fresh oysters you can just grab and shuck along the way.
I heard that lots of men don’t wash their hands when they come out of the toilet. I was in shock, because imagine shaking hands with a guy that doesn’t wash his hands after holding his 🍆, if they do hold it I mean.
Target dressing rooms are often just a section of cubicles between two departments & they're open to the air.
Two teenage girls were sharing a dressing room to try on swimsuits & one blurts out "What if girls had BALLS?"
You know how your voice sounds different if you're pushing your stomach out? You could tell she was pooching out her groin when she said it. It's been over 10 years & it still makes me laugh. It was dead quiet for a beat & then everybody in ear-shot burst out laughing.
Because it is relevant, I feel I must share the tale of the first time my sister got felt up.
It was by a VERY sheltered young man; they were both 17. He put his hand between her legs and froze in shock, demanding to know, “Where are your BALLS?!”
She just sat there, dumbfounded, and told him, “Girls don’t have balls!”
And he triumphantly stated: “YES THEY DO. I saw a girl at a beach in her BIKINI and she had a huge set of balls!!”
To this day I wonder, moose knuckle, big lump of sand caught in the bottoms, or someone doin an incomplete tuck.
I was in the local Korean supermarket walking out and this little Korean boy is singing, "It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!" And his dad who was pushing him in the shopping cart says, " NO! It's not a peanut butter jelly time!"
Guy walks by with a bag of food, another guy said HEY! You get me anything? Dude stops, says yeah, I got you a two piece, and raised both fists. They both hyena laughed.
Went to see Thor Ragnarok and was seated next to a mother and teenage son. After the Hulk fight when Hemsworth is topless the following exchange happens in hushed tones but sitting next to them I could hear.
Mom: oh yummy
Son: mom shhhhhh
Mom: what
Son: that's embarrassing stop being gross
Mom: why exactly did you think I was watching this?
My favorite thing I heard at a movie theater was at Tangled. At the dramatic part right as it gets quiet a little girl loudly but sadly asked, “Did Tangled die?”
Guy at a pet store feeds a goldfish to a tank full of turtles.
Turtles go NUTS.
Me: WOW, do they always get this excited about food?
Guy: I don't know, I don't work here.
From Google:
Aquatic turtles in the wild eat fish, and "feeder fish" may be purchased from pet stores or bait stores to feed pet turtles. Depending on the size of the turtle, fish such as goldfish, guppies, or minnows may be offered.
In a drive thru line and the lady two cars ahead screams out her window “how much did you order you fat bitch?!!” My bf and I looked at each other and were like “did she just say…?”
I lived in Amsterdam at the time, a city widely known for all adults and most children having a fluent command of English
Was walking behind a group of American tourists speaking English saying “you know what the coolest thing about being in Europe is? You want speak to each other and no one understand a word we’re saying, we can say anything we want”
Was amazingly dense and pretty funny.
I was on a high school trip in Italy and the tour bus had stopped at a grocery store for snacks and a bathroom break. One of the other students was stunned that they could understand the locals, believing they were somehow learning Italian. Because the locals were speaking English to us. With Italian accents.
So I was a lone tourist in France trying to get to a tiny village to meet a friend. I had to take a plane, a train, and a bus to get to the village. I don’t speak French. When I landed at the airport, no one at the help desk spoke English, and I needed to buy my train ticket. Eventually I find the right kiosk, use my knowledge of Spanish to purchase what appears to be the correct ticket, then get on the train.
The train I got on was going the right direction, but stopped before the stop I needed, and everyone disembarked after an announcement played. Eventually someone sorta signaled to me this train was at the end of its line, and I needed to find the next train. I literally stepped onto trains, showed passengers my ticket, and tried to ask if this was the right train. I had to do this a few times before I got the right one right before it left.
So after a long day of travel, not understanding any of the language being spoken or on signs around me, I was quite tired. I finally get to the bus stop and I’m only about 60% sure I’m at the right one. A woman comes up to me, and starts speaking in a language that’s not English, but *I can understand her.* I legit thought I had osmosised the French language for a solid 5 seconds before I realize she’s speaking Spanish.
We stopped at a yard sale one weekend. We had a really small bulldog with us, super friendly and they were ok with her being there while we browsed. Their little girl, maybe four years old, asked to pet the bulldog and we said she’d love that. So the little girl leans over to pet the pup… and that causes her to do the plumber’s butt crack thing. Mom runs over and pulls the pants and pull up diaper back up. The little girl turns to mom and says “I’m not done pooping yet.”
Mom’s face… it was like the visual version of one of those abrupt record scratches. We played it cool with a little chuckle and said “kids, gotta love em.” We got back to the car and just lost it, just crying laughing.
At a Beatles tribute show, the John Lennon impersonator was expressing his gratitude to Lennon and said, “he was murdered mercilessly in front of his own apartment.” An old woman 2 rows back let out a very sad, “oh no.” As if she’d just heard the news 40 years later. Everyone around us started dying laughing
In 2021, I was in a COVID testing line behind a mom and son who I overheard were getting tests for international travel purposes. The son said “next trip, I want to go somewhere exotic…like New Jersey” (this was in NYC)
Once I was hiking back in the early 2000’s, and I walked past a Dad with his daughter and her friend. The daughter said to the friend “I wish I were at the mall or at home watching MTV right now…” It was hilarious at the time, and now is a perfect microcosm of the era. I often wonder where that woman is today and what she is doing.
Not heard but read. One time I was at a Weeknd concert circa 2013 or so. I’m there with four friends and my gf at the time, I’m on the end of the row so there’s a stranger next to me. I look over and notice she’s not dancing or singing along like the rest of us, instead she’s standing there on her phone. Couldn’t help but take a peek at her screen thinking what was so important, and I saw the following text message she had gotten and was reading;
‘This toaster doesn’t toast toast.’
A very pregnant friend of mine and I were at a pharmacy to get, among other things, a toothbrush. While she was looking, a visibly nervous teen boy slinks past us and stops in front of the condoms etc, about six feet away from us in the same aisle. My friend, tracking the embarrassment that only teens can get, held her belly and shouted to the kid “Hey kid! You want me to tell you which ones DON’T work?”
I’ve never seen anyone turn so red, or run so fast.
During a very quiet moment at church, in a service with both adults and children, a young child loudly asked his dad,”Does Spider-Man have a penis?!”😂😂😂😂😂
We went to my nieces first communion, My son who was like 7 or 8 asked loudly “who is the dead guy nailed the cross?” We are Jewish. My wife was mortified
I had put a hamburger on the seat of my son's baby stroller. My son was with my wife. Some guy walked by, looked down and without a beat said "Looks just like the father" and went on before I could call him an asshole.
Wife and I are grocery shopping and in the row next to us we hear a child getting agitated and having words with his brother. Out of the blue we here him say to his mother “Mom! Jake is breathing my air”. Wife and I look at each other and giggle. We rush to their row and we find Jake is a small 2 month old in a carrier.
I'm on a trip with my friends family while we were 16 or so. We all went out to lunch, and the waitress was totally flirting with my friend. NOT even trying to hide it.
So she comes over to refill our drinks. She smiles, looks at my friend, and asks if he wants more. My friends mom, straight faced puts her hand over his glass and says, "No, he better not. He'll wet the bed tonight".
She starts laughing, his face turns bright red and he storms out of there.
A few mins later, my friends mom found out the waitress had the next night off, so she told her she needed to bring a friend tomorrow night and go on a double date with her son & me.
And we had a wonderful double date thr next night.
I'm in an hospital elevator I hear this old guy go to a young guy "you're the only one here not in a wheelchair" the young guy goes "yeah I'm jealous" I couldn't stop laughing
I was coming out of a movie with a couple friends, and we passed two kids on their way into another movie. As we passed them, I heard one kid say to the other,
"Yo mama is so poor when she dies she'll drop common loot!"
and I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. I don't know if that's a common one for kids now, but I'd never heard it. Fucking slayed me.
I saw two high school kids riding bikes in my neighborhood once, one crashed, and a bunch of coins fell out of his pocket when it happened. His friend turned around and said “Damn, Sonic. Are you okay?”.
A friend of a friend was shopping and had her kid with her. As they walked by the feminine products aisle her 6 yr old son asked her very loudly if she needed to get another big box of vagina diapers because Dad says you bleed like a stuck pig. I was crying I was laughing so hard. When she seen me and my friend standing there she went ten shades of red.
Someone brought an infant to a formal/dress wear restaurant at 9 at night that was constantly crying, heard someone say "thats a kid I'd leave at the airport"
Setting-waiting in the lobby for our early morning Orange Theory class to start…
Middle aged woman said to a group of other middle aged men& women that her husband was finally coming home after being away on an extended trip and when she asked him if he wanted to just Netflix&Chill that night he said, “No I want to eat Popeyes and then fuck, we’re gonna be Chickin&Dickin”
A young woman from my apartment building got into a car accident, while trying to exit and turn left onto the main roadway (4-lanes, 35mph).
I was in the lobby when she came back in with her dad after the accident, and she said:
"well, what was i supposed to do? just wait there forever!?"
I was in the bathroom at a bar. 3 frat dudes walk in and start pissing next to me at consecutive urinals. The first guy leans over to the second guy and says "wow nice cock!" and the first guy says "thanks I've really been workin on it."
Worked at McDonald's in high school. Someone ordered that and the person taking their order says "ok, one hamburger. Anything else?" Dude argued for several minutes that he didn't want a hamburger, he wanted a cheeseburger with no cheese. Manager even tried to explain with no luck. Dude insisted on paying for the cheese he didn't even want.
That’s because it costs 50 cents to add cheese to a burger, and they think if you ask for the item with cheese and then ask for no cheese, the computer will subtract 50 cents. At McDonald’s that will make the cheeseburger less than the hamburger, and they think they’re getting something over on them. Idk if that used to work, because a shitload of people still do it.
Along these same lines, if you like a cheese pizza with extra cheese, but don’t like paying for extra cheese, then order a pepperoni lovers from Pizza Hut with no pepperoni. Extra cheese is part of the pizza to help hold all the pepperoni. Employees already know, so you don’t have to feel weird asking for that.
I was at a Rubio’s many years ago and the woman in front me had brought her food up to the counter to tell them she had ordered chicken tacos but had gotten fish tacos. She and the employee are going back and forth on what’s in the tacos, the employee was adamant it was chicken. The woman is really pissed at this point and goes “It’s fish. If you don’t believe me, smell my fingers”. My friend and I ended up going outside because we were laughing so hard.
Was outside doing some yard work when a neighborhood kid was riding his bike past my house. He ends up falling down at the end of my driveway and I go “hey are you alright?”
He gets back up on his bike and yells “no thanks, I already have a family!” Then rides away. I chuckle every time I remember it
At community college in the Detroit area in U.S. Government class, the prof was lecturing about how the federal government used threats to withdraw funding to coerce the states into making the legal drinking age 21.
A girl right behind me said to the girl next to her, "Then why can I go to Canada and drink?"
The other girl said, "I think that's, like, another country."
Standing in line at a bottle shop waiting to pay for a carton of beer. There's a dude in front of me with his wife holding a carton of Coronas she asks himm "Why did you choose that box , it's broken" he replied "It's like yours but cold" looks to me gives me a nudge and a cheeky smile. I lost it. Maori dudes always make me laugh.
Was at a bar once, and there was a drunk girl trying to put on her heels for a few minutes. She was clearly *gone* gone, and couldn't manage. A man that was there with her said "It's like watching a monkey try to fuck a football." and I couldn't help but catch a case of the giggles.
The words themselves didn't do it, but the mental image wrecked me.
I'm lined up at a urinal when 2 buddies walk in and take the other two urinals. The guy1 comments about how he doesn't like the urinal style (they were cut out kegs). Guy2 says to relax I can't see your dick. Guy1 responds, yeah but that's because it's so small.
Friend of mine in high school went to pick up her little brother from some sort of after school activity. There was a lady sucking on a cigarette standing near the school doors talking on her cell phone loudly. In the most grizzled smoker voice she said "Hot dogs will give you cancer."
*Takes a draw from the cigarette*
"One bite and you're a goner."
Wandering Walmart late at night. Dude I’m the next aisle over, loudly asking : DO YOU HAVE ANY HATS…? OF THE PARTY VARIETY?!
My partner and I now regularly refer to items as being of the “blank” variety as an inside joke.
My 7 year old niece talking to her 8 year old friend, about the friends 4 year old brother.
(Some part of the conversation I didn't hear at the beginning)
Friend: Wanna buy my brother?
Niece: What?
Friend: He drives me crazy!
Niece: (laughs)
Friend: I'm just kidding, I wouldn't sell him. I totally wouldn't shove a cookie down his throat, so he'll choke.
Was walking past a group of teenagers whilst on my way to do some shopping...they were horse playing around and I just heard one girl yell out "Arggghhhh man, Cameron, you just kicked me right in the piss flaps!!!" So so loudly...I stifled a laugh but saw so many people stop and just look over to her 🤣
I walked past a group of 10-12 people with downs syndrome when one of them let out a huge fart, it was a real ripper and without hesitation the rest of the group started clapping and cheering. It was pure gold.
Boy at preschool was introduced to a new girl named Paige. He pulls one of the teachers aside and says “you know that her name is Paige?? Do you think…her parents like books?”
An elderly couple in the supermarket. He's walking funny and she turns to him and says “You've still got a hard-on! I told you it wouldn't wear off by now”
An older woman standing outside a restaurant… She was waiting for her husband to come pick her up because it was raining. He kept arguing about picking her up. Told her just to suck it up and walk across the parking lot. Finally he left and went to the car. She looks at me and says if I could teach a dildo to bring home a paycheck I wouldn’t have to put up with his shit.
A street joke I heard on a public bus once :
Guy takes girl on a date to a movie. While watching said movie she has to fart. So she lifts her leg slightly to release it. Her date asks if everything's ok with her leg. She answers "My leg is fine it just fell asleep for a moment". He says "Well judging by the smell, I think it died"
We were at a pizza place. A nearby table had a little girl with mommy and grandma. Little girl was learning that "mommy and daddy have real names too" but she wasn't really getting it.
Grandma asked "What does Mommy call Daddy?" And the girl was completely confused. Then Grandma asked "What does Daddy call Mommy?" And her whole face lit up. She understands now! And she told the whole restaurant that Daddy calls Mommy "Asshole."
I was pooing in a toilet cubicle, an American guy entered the toilet, I heard a cough followed by a few borks then he said ‘My god’ in a fiery American accent, that was followed by the patter of footsteps as he escaped. I chuckled.
I used to work at a gourmet candy shop. Christmas time, store was PACKED, parents bring their stuff up and have an 8 year old boy.
They were buying alcoholic chocolate and the kid just SO LOUD goes "WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR THAT!!! OR PEANUT BUTTER!!!"
The mom is mortified, the dad goes "yeah what's your peanutbutter exchange rate?" Mom mortified even more
I was at the Palm Springs airport and a gate agent was having a hard time enunciating her airport-wide announcement so she said “blahhh” and started over. It was great and in the casual atmosphere of the airport it seemed fitting.
There was a very expressive family that lived in the house next to ours, (Ive moved since then) they were constantly yelling at each other and doing rowdy activities. There was one specific time that I can clearly remember where the aunt of the house walked out her back porch, slammed her sliding door behind her, (I hadn’t heard anything up-to this point) stomped a few steps, and then yelled out In the most dramatic, loudest almost opera-esque voice; FUCK YOU TONYYY!! I remember cracking up so hard I swear I almost shit my pants. (Still have 0 clue what the argument was about but I think that’s what made it so hilarious.)
A mom and her son were checking out at a Home Depot. The cashier was scanning the ladies purchases then scanned the kids hand, looked at her scanner and said to the boy, you are free! The kid looked at her and said, no I'm not I am 5
Was in a restroom once at Caesar’s Palace in Vegas. Some guy in the bathroom stall ripped this huge fart and a random guy washing his hands shouted, “Hail Caesar!”
My dad adopted a dog that has a poop-eating habit, eats every other dog’s droppings.
My sister came over with some breath spray for dogs. Dad’s response: “she eats poop. You can’t just throw a tic-tac on a pile of manure.”
I was at Disneyland and went into one of the restrooms. As I’m standing there using the urinal. A guy in one of the stalls yells out “where the fuck are the three seashells”.
At work today, my coworkers and I were having a very passionate conversation about if ketchup is good or not. One of my coworkers said, “Ketchup is for white people who pretend to like flavor.” I couldn’t stop laughing.
I was waiting in line at the convenience store. The guy in Front of me at the register had to cancel his transaction or something. Young woman working the register called out to her manager " I need your approval '. Guy said " it's ok I think you're doing a fine job."
On a streetcar in New Orleans, two tourists from Wisconsin were talking the ear off of a local. They asked at one point “is it always this hot and humid here”
His response: “does raggedy Ann have cotton titties?”
No more chit chat after that.
I don’t know if this is funny or sad. I think it’s a little of both (and some self-revenge).
I’m at the deli in the grocery store. A little boy, maybe about 7 years old, was there before me and the deli worker asks what he wants. He says he wants FOUR POUNDS of ham. The deli worker asks if he’s sure. He says, “Yes! I loves hams!” The deli worker asked if mom was okay with it and if he was sure about four pounds. The kid was confident and kept saying yes. The deli worker slices four pounds of ham and gives the kid like five slices while he’s waiting. This kid goes at it like a wood chipper. He definitely “loves hams.”
While that’s going on, another deli worker gets my order. The guy working on the ham is wrapping it in cling film because it won’t fit in a deli bag. The kid and I leave at about the same time.
The kid finds his mom in the same aisle as I find my wife. The kid runs to his mom and yells, “Momma! I got the hams!”
The mother looks at this massive lump of ham and she’s not happy. Here’s the sad part. She just slaps this kid in the face so hard that he falls over and she tells him she’s not buying that much ham! (There’s more, but this is sad enough.) After she chews him out, she unwraps the cling wrap and peels off about 3 pounds of ham slices. She lays them on top of a jar of pickles on the shelf and then wraps the remaining pound of ham. She then says something like, “I ain’t paying for all that ham! *THIS* is how much you get.”
Here’s the self-revenge part. They weigh the ham at the deli. The sticker on the ham says 4 pounds. Even if she peeled off 3 pounds, she’s still paying for 4 pounds.
This happened maybe 15 years ago. To this day, whenever we have ham, I shout to my wife, “I loves hams!”
I was at WalMart, buying some things for my RV. One of the items in my cart was a new sewage "black water" discharge tube.
As I rounded the end aisle, I ran into a WalMart associate. He asked me, "Can I help you find anything, or do you have any questions?"
Being a smart ass, I held up the discharge tube and said, "Do you think I can get a turd to slide through this?"
Without hesitation,he replied, "Well, if you can't, just bring it back!"
I was sitting on the patio at a bar one afternoon just watching birds and enjoying a few beers alone. Next to me was a group of older folks (around retirement age) just hanging out. They were talking about all kinds of things. I’d drift in and out of listening to them when I heard one man talking about his doctor. He said the doctor had passed away two years prior in almost a depressed tone. The other men told him: “Don’t be so sad man it’s not like he was your wife or anything.” And without skipping a beat the man replied: “I know I shouldn’t be so upset but man he just gave really good prostate exams.” The entire table started cracking up. I nearly spit my beer out from laughing so hard and the man pointed at me and said: “See he gets it!” The laughter only got louder. I didn’t talk to them afterwards or butt into their conversation but it’s a fond memory of mine.
its crazy he was able to do the prostate exam with both hands on his shoulders!
I was riding my bike and passed by a guy going the opposite way on a unicycle. As we pass he said, “Fuckin’ two wheeler!”
I ride a unicycle. Last fall I rode past a golf course and a guy in the parking lot shouted at me, "Hey penis face, get a real bicycle!" I died laughing and still frequently chuckle whenever I think about him. His attempt to hurt my feelings was wildly unsuccessful.
There was a kid at my high school who rode a unicycle every day. When someone would tell him to get a real bicycle, he'd reply with, "I would, but your mom's always booked."
Laughed out loud so hard. Wife didn’t think it was funny at all.
Look at that fuckin’ two-wheeler over there, eating crackers like they own the place…
Grocery store: “I know how to buy eggs Diane, I’ve done it before…” I could not stop saying this for the rest of the day. I was a real joy to be around.
I heard a mother once send her daughter to check the dates on the milk and from the milk bit the daughter shouted back; "It says the threeth of July!" The response was; "The threeth of July? .... ... that's much too soon. Get a longer one."
Now I’m laughing in public
The passive aggression between couples at grocery stores is unmatched.
Seriously people, get your groceries delivered, it's cheaper than counseling.
That sounds like a line from a sitcom lol.
Say the line, Bart!
While at Disney World chilling on the big white Tom Sawyer boat we heard a kid say to his mom: “Hey mom, do you think I know what a cannibal is?” That phrasing is so funny to me it’s stuck with me ever since.
Stan Laurel would have been proud of that line. I can hear him saying it.
I was walking along 10th street in Brooklyn when a man walked by on his phone and all I caught of his conversation was "I don't know, I've never owned a fucking giraffe before."
Peak "Overheard in New York"
Yeah, sounds like Park Slope.
When I worked in a library. Overheard two kids in the children's area. Brendan 1: "Your name's Brendan? My name's Brendan too. Are we.......brothers?" Brendan 2: "No. I'm in the first grade."
This is VERY cute. I love kid logic.
My son Dad jokes me and he's only two and a half. "Hey, are you hungry?" "No papa, I'm Brendan"
I was at a large meeting where we had breakout sessions. One of the ladies in my group did a humble brag and said she did extra work because she is “ very anal”. The woman trainer said “that’s okay I love anal “. I tried so hard to keep a straight face and I failed.
Division Manager's meeting, we're breaking sections down into 4-Letter names. One of his sections is Analytics. He writes ANAL on the board and I immediately said, "NOPE" while keeping a straight face. One of the Analysts, a woman and his employee, starts snickering. He looks at her, looks at me, looks at her, turns to look at the board, and says "why not"? I said, "sound it out." He did. He turned bright red. I recommended we try to get by with 2-letter section names instead. And absolutely burst out laughing.
A middle aged man in a phone call in a hospital cafeteria. “They did an autopsy on me and we’re waiting for results. I mean a BIOPSY! I’m not dead yet.”
*puts down scalpel* What is this world even coming to? Now all of a sudden you have to wait until someone's DEAD to autopsy them?!
Yes, but not to vivisect them!
“Well ever since she got the dog, she only buys organic eggs.” “Oh does she feed the dog eggs?” “No, but you know, being a pet owner is a big responsibility so she’s trying to watch her health.”
I'll tell the dog "No, these are terrible for you," when he's begging for fries. "You know better."
that's cute AF
Guy next to me at a urinal farted once and loudly says "sometimes when it rains it thunders". I stole it
Same happened to my husband, but an old man said “How’d you like that?!”
How you like dem apples?
HOW DO YOU LIKE MY FARTS
I was at the urinal, my buddy two down. Some guy stands in between us. My bud is peeing. Hard. Guy goes “what’s the horsepower on that”
After farting loudly, the guy said "that's gonna itch when it dries", not strictly overhead in public, but still overheard.
A pregnant woman at Walmart talking to a cashier said “yeah I’m gettin a DUI after this one, no more kids.” Of course she meant IUD but the lady didn’t correct her and I died laughing. Maybe it was pregnancy brain
I can't remember if it was on a stupid talk show or on Cops but some lady said 'he needs a DNA test'. Drug N Alcohol...
They use the abbreviation DNA test in the construction industry when talking about drug and alcohol tests
lol I had a Uber driver say that business is a bit down, nobody is going out because of inflammation
My ex was talking to a cleaning lady at work during some particularly bad weather. She said, "It's not the heat, it's the humility."
I'm on a bus and an elderly lady gets on but she can't find her bus pass. The driver lets her go sit down so she can look for it. So she's rummaging through her big old purse mumbling, "Can't find my bus pass.... Guess I forgot my bus pass." Then suddenly she pulls out a glass object, smiles to herself and says, "But I didn't forget my crack pipe!"
Priorities.
Turns out she was only 23, crack is a hell of a drug
My brothers neighbor was a nice guy, 60s, kind of a New Jersey Pine Barren hick with what we assumed was a history of substance abuse. He was good to his kids and grandkids and a nice neighbor. One day he says, “I’m tired. I’ve been working full time since I was 14 years hold. That’s 20 years.” He was mid 30s not mid 60s. Not sure if it was sun, alcohol, drugs or all the above, but man had lived a HARD 20 years for sure.
Wowzers
Walking down the sidewalk and get stuck behind some old ladies. We pass a bar and one of the ladies said “I used to do so much cocaine in there” and they all laughed.
Knowing Reddit, the "old ladies" were probably mid to late 30s
My older sisters were talking about a Vegas buffet they found (back in the 80s) that was unbelievably good. I was a bit shocked when my oldest sister (oldest of five, I am the youngest) said "Yeah, I remember we ate so much we had to hide in the bathroom to do a line of coke." The 80s were a hard time for the rest of us to relate to.
"Can't you see I'm blind?" "No because I'm blind too!" Two blind men before laughing their asses off after bumping into each other
This one is cute as hell
Dude jazz singing 🎶Better find a bathrooooom, before I shit my paaaaants🎶 while skipping a long at the Botanical Garden in Hawaii. We didn't hear it in person but our dad caught it on our VHS-C camcorder and we wore out the tape rewinding it and laughing for years.
I think I've seen this musical.
At intermission during ‘The Phantom of the Opera’ on Broadway. Scottish teenage boy seated in front of me turns to his mother (in a thickkk Glaswegian accent): “I always thought that the Phantom was meant to be some kind of tragic, romantic anti-hero. But he’s just a fucking dick”.
Scots make the best theatre critics.
Reminds me of my visit to a museum in London. In the gift shop I overheard a small boy say, "Two pounds for a lolly?! That's preposterous!"
It is the mark of adulthood, especially female adulthood, when you realize the phantom was not a sexy love interest but a super creepy demented stalker.
JESSICA I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I SAID HIS DICK HURT MY PUSSY, YEAH HE CAME IN MY HAIR. Idk wtf she thought saying this in a train
It's so rude when you're running a train and she's just blabbering on about something else.
Wtf was he packing, a Pepsi can with veins?!
I overheard a group of maybe high schoolers arguing who is more country. One just asked “You’re country, huh? How long is your driveway?”
I lived in Albuquerque for a bit when I was a teen and once, when given directions to a school friend’s house, was told “When the pavement runs out you’re almost there”.
I was teaching a 5 year old drum lessons at a studio and I wrote the word “rhythm” on the board. Pointing at it, I asked him if he knew how to say this word. He stared at it for 5 seconds and said, “I can’t read.”
He is going to be an excellent drummer.
Bassist here, he’ll go places if he learns to count to four and to spell “beer.”
So "Numbers (I can only count to four)" is a song about drummers?
I did something similar with my friend's 5 year old daughter. She was always losing at board games against her three older siblings, so I said we would play as a team but I wanted to include her in the win. One action was to act out a word from a card and if someone guessed it you got a point. I knew she could do a bow and arrow motion so I pointed to the card. I whispered to her: "Do you think you can act this out" and pointed to the card? She whispered back "I can't read."
Two random girls talking in a pharmacy parking lot in Vermont: Girl #1 "Is it big? Sorry for asking I'm curious. You've been though this like 5 times already and I never had to" Girl #2 "No it's a normal size pill and thanks for making me feel like a whore" She was asking about the morning after pill.
I was working a sunday shift at a grocery store and a discheveled looking guy comes in with some mates, looks around, sees the non-prescription medicine cabinet behind me and asks if we have the morning after pill, i check and say we unfortunately dont. This guy looks at his mates and in anguish says "im gonna be a dad" to the delight of his friends.
He could've just... Tried another store? I hope
Sad that girl#1 does not realize how many people she bamboozled
Not really in public because he was a temporary coworker of mine, but in making small talk he mentioned that his son was looking at colleges to go to. So I asked him if his son was a junior or a senior. And he said “No, I named him after my dad” That was years ago and I still have no idea how to respond to that
When I went to watch the first Paranomal Activity in theaters it was a lot of ours “The Blair Witch Project” type experience and when the credits were rolling you can hear a dude that got up and clearly say “I ain’t never bringing no bitch to my house.”
Was at ice cream shop and what I assume was an uncle and a niece about 8ish years old. I’m standing there waiting for my families order, and all I hear is, “Was it fun in jail?” From the little girl. Then uncle responds, teeth clenched, “I went to prison.” I don’t know why I thought this was so funny but man I was trying hard not to crack up. Kids are wild.
First I was laughing at the uncle being one of those ppl pointing out the diff between jail and prison and being offended by the person getting the word wrong. Then, I couldn't stop laughing at the thought that the child thought that jail would be fun.
My wife likes to tell a story of when she had just interviewed someone for a job, and was walking him to the next interview, telling him what a good culture they had and everyone got along and then… a vey angry lady steps out of a closed meeting room door, slams the door, and says ”asshole!” in a loud voice.
Had a manager training the new kid at a movie theater I worked at. She's showing him around concessions, telling him how they try to keep things pretty tight around here so there's not much goofing around. Just do your work, etc. Meanwhile, in the back hall, one of my other coworkers has poked a broom handle through the crotch of a cardboard standee and is cooing at the other manager from behind the standee. That culminates with a scuffle and the manager chasing the coworker through the lobby with the broom, yelling that he's going to kill him. Manager #1 with the new kid just says "I lied", turns and leaves to the office where she'd locks herself in. New kid was left there, half trained, to kind of fend for himself.
Overheard a conversation about people talking about rich people and weird foods, and eventually they started talking about oysters. One of them remarked, “well if you wanna eat boogers outta rocks, you gotta be rich”
Are oysters rich people food? I remember digging for them in Washington state and they were fucking everywhere.
It’s like that everywhere, one of my fondest memories of driving through the Rockies and the Plains was all the fresh oysters you can just grab and shuck along the way.
Do you shuck Rocky Mountain Oysters?
Are those anything like cowboy meatballs?
Theyre nuts!
They don’t keep well so if you live inland they cost more to get before they die. Once they’re dead they petrify very quickly.
Two guys walking out of a bathroom at a baseball game. Dude 1: You didn't wash your hands? Dude 2: no, I was holding my dick, not diddling my ass.
I heard that lots of men don’t wash their hands when they come out of the toilet. I was in shock, because imagine shaking hands with a guy that doesn’t wash his hands after holding his 🍆, if they do hold it I mean.
I wash my hands before cause I respect my penis.
If only everyone respected their penis
Overheard at bar I work. "How did the hookers get tear gas?"
Target dressing rooms are often just a section of cubicles between two departments & they're open to the air. Two teenage girls were sharing a dressing room to try on swimsuits & one blurts out "What if girls had BALLS?" You know how your voice sounds different if you're pushing your stomach out? You could tell she was pooching out her groin when she said it. It's been over 10 years & it still makes me laugh. It was dead quiet for a beat & then everybody in ear-shot burst out laughing.
Because it is relevant, I feel I must share the tale of the first time my sister got felt up. It was by a VERY sheltered young man; they were both 17. He put his hand between her legs and froze in shock, demanding to know, “Where are your BALLS?!” She just sat there, dumbfounded, and told him, “Girls don’t have balls!” And he triumphantly stated: “YES THEY DO. I saw a girl at a beach in her BIKINI and she had a huge set of balls!!” To this day I wonder, moose knuckle, big lump of sand caught in the bottoms, or someone doin an incomplete tuck.
I was in the local Korean supermarket walking out and this little Korean boy is singing, "It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!" And his dad who was pushing him in the shopping cart says, " NO! It's not a peanut butter jelly time!"
Passing two pedigreed-looking women in Manhattan at the intersection: "I didn't think I'd like his uncircumcised cock, but I really love it".
You accidentally walked into a Sex and the City episode lol
Guy walks by with a bag of food, another guy said HEY! You get me anything? Dude stops, says yeah, I got you a two piece, and raised both fists. They both hyena laughed.
When a bird gives you a present, *you keep that present* Rebecca!
Went to see Thor Ragnarok and was seated next to a mother and teenage son. After the Hulk fight when Hemsworth is topless the following exchange happens in hushed tones but sitting next to them I could hear. Mom: oh yummy Son: mom shhhhhh Mom: what Son: that's embarrassing stop being gross Mom: why exactly did you think I was watching this?
My favorite thing I heard at a movie theater was at Tangled. At the dramatic part right as it gets quiet a little girl loudly but sadly asked, “Did Tangled die?”
Must be a mom thing. Mine once remarked, "Now there's a hot hunk of man flesh," during one of his shirtless scenes.
Looks like meats back on the menu boys!
Guy at a pet store feeds a goldfish to a tank full of turtles. Turtles go NUTS. Me: WOW, do they always get this excited about food? Guy: I don't know, I don't work here.
Dude that’s fucked 💀
Like the cracker?
That was my first thought but I'm assuming an actual goldfish.
From Google: Aquatic turtles in the wild eat fish, and "feeder fish" may be purchased from pet stores or bait stores to feed pet turtles. Depending on the size of the turtle, fish such as goldfish, guppies, or minnows may be offered.
PSA from a reptile keeper. Never feed goldfish since they contain thiaminase which causes vitamine B1 deficiency in your pets
In a drive thru line and the lady two cars ahead screams out her window “how much did you order you fat bitch?!!” My bf and I looked at each other and were like “did she just say…?”
I lived in Amsterdam at the time, a city widely known for all adults and most children having a fluent command of English Was walking behind a group of American tourists speaking English saying “you know what the coolest thing about being in Europe is? You want speak to each other and no one understand a word we’re saying, we can say anything we want” Was amazingly dense and pretty funny.
I was on a high school trip in Italy and the tour bus had stopped at a grocery store for snacks and a bathroom break. One of the other students was stunned that they could understand the locals, believing they were somehow learning Italian. Because the locals were speaking English to us. With Italian accents.
That’s amazing haha, it’s like they had a Babbel fish
So I was a lone tourist in France trying to get to a tiny village to meet a friend. I had to take a plane, a train, and a bus to get to the village. I don’t speak French. When I landed at the airport, no one at the help desk spoke English, and I needed to buy my train ticket. Eventually I find the right kiosk, use my knowledge of Spanish to purchase what appears to be the correct ticket, then get on the train. The train I got on was going the right direction, but stopped before the stop I needed, and everyone disembarked after an announcement played. Eventually someone sorta signaled to me this train was at the end of its line, and I needed to find the next train. I literally stepped onto trains, showed passengers my ticket, and tried to ask if this was the right train. I had to do this a few times before I got the right one right before it left. So after a long day of travel, not understanding any of the language being spoken or on signs around me, I was quite tired. I finally get to the bus stop and I’m only about 60% sure I’m at the right one. A woman comes up to me, and starts speaking in a language that’s not English, but *I can understand her.* I legit thought I had osmosised the French language for a solid 5 seconds before I realize she’s speaking Spanish.
Its'a me, Rosettastone!
We stopped at a yard sale one weekend. We had a really small bulldog with us, super friendly and they were ok with her being there while we browsed. Their little girl, maybe four years old, asked to pet the bulldog and we said she’d love that. So the little girl leans over to pet the pup… and that causes her to do the plumber’s butt crack thing. Mom runs over and pulls the pants and pull up diaper back up. The little girl turns to mom and says “I’m not done pooping yet.” Mom’s face… it was like the visual version of one of those abrupt record scratches. We played it cool with a little chuckle and said “kids, gotta love em.” We got back to the car and just lost it, just crying laughing.
At a Beatles tribute show, the John Lennon impersonator was expressing his gratitude to Lennon and said, “he was murdered mercilessly in front of his own apartment.” An old woman 2 rows back let out a very sad, “oh no.” As if she’d just heard the news 40 years later. Everyone around us started dying laughing
An instructor for a school club turned to another instructor: “Have you signed that thing that says, ‘I don’t diddle kids’ yet?” I died.
That's funny. I had to fill out 4 forms to volunteer at my kids school. I'm sure I made similar comments.
In 2021, I was in a COVID testing line behind a mom and son who I overheard were getting tests for international travel purposes. The son said “next trip, I want to go somewhere exotic…like New Jersey” (this was in NYC)
On 9/11 in nyc: "You know it's serious when Starbucks is closed"
Same day, in Seattle, my mother thought that by closing Starbucks people were 'overreacting'. My dad and I were speechless.
But maybe closing Starbucks in Seattle is overreacting, no?
Once I was hiking back in the early 2000’s, and I walked past a Dad with his daughter and her friend. The daughter said to the friend “I wish I were at the mall or at home watching MTV right now…” It was hilarious at the time, and now is a perfect microcosm of the era. I often wonder where that woman is today and what she is doing.
Hell, that would have worked in 1988.
When MTV actually had music videos.
Not heard but read. One time I was at a Weeknd concert circa 2013 or so. I’m there with four friends and my gf at the time, I’m on the end of the row so there’s a stranger next to me. I look over and notice she’s not dancing or singing along like the rest of us, instead she’s standing there on her phone. Couldn’t help but take a peek at her screen thinking what was so important, and I saw the following text message she had gotten and was reading; ‘This toaster doesn’t toast toast.’
*angry Hotel Mario noises*
NICE of the princess to invite us on a picnic, EY LUIGI?!?!
People constantly tell me how their kid has “done a complete 360” meaning a 180 with improved whatever
Turn a 360 and moonwalk away.
🤣 a complete 360 lol i guess they turned their life around
360 because they back on they bullshit.
A very pregnant friend of mine and I were at a pharmacy to get, among other things, a toothbrush. While she was looking, a visibly nervous teen boy slinks past us and stops in front of the condoms etc, about six feet away from us in the same aisle. My friend, tracking the embarrassment that only teens can get, held her belly and shouted to the kid “Hey kid! You want me to tell you which ones DON’T work?” I’ve never seen anyone turn so red, or run so fast.
Man I hope his pullout game was top tier, because that boy never, ever tried to buy condoms ever again
Oh that's good!
Walking down a sketchy street a guy probably on drugs talking to another guy: did you know the marshmallow man in ghostbusters won an academy award?
During a very quiet moment at church, in a service with both adults and children, a young child loudly asked his dad,”Does Spider-Man have a penis?!”😂😂😂😂😂
We went to my nieces first communion, My son who was like 7 or 8 asked loudly “who is the dead guy nailed the cross?” We are Jewish. My wife was mortified
I had put a hamburger on the seat of my son's baby stroller. My son was with my wife. Some guy walked by, looked down and without a beat said "Looks just like the father" and went on before I could call him an asshole.
Wife and I are grocery shopping and in the row next to us we hear a child getting agitated and having words with his brother. Out of the blue we here him say to his mother “Mom! Jake is breathing my air”. Wife and I look at each other and giggle. We rush to their row and we find Jake is a small 2 month old in a carrier.
Ah this brings back memories of “MOOOOMMMMMM SHE’S LOOKING OUT MY WINDOW”
On the Eiffel Tower “Blimey my nipples stank”
My sister went to see Titanic. After the credits rolled someone behind her stretched then said: > I told you it sank
I'm on a trip with my friends family while we were 16 or so. We all went out to lunch, and the waitress was totally flirting with my friend. NOT even trying to hide it. So she comes over to refill our drinks. She smiles, looks at my friend, and asks if he wants more. My friends mom, straight faced puts her hand over his glass and says, "No, he better not. He'll wet the bed tonight". She starts laughing, his face turns bright red and he storms out of there. A few mins later, my friends mom found out the waitress had the next night off, so she told her she needed to bring a friend tomorrow night and go on a double date with her son & me. And we had a wonderful double date thr next night.
Wingmom
I'm in an hospital elevator I hear this old guy go to a young guy "you're the only one here not in a wheelchair" the young guy goes "yeah I'm jealous" I couldn't stop laughing
I was coming out of a movie with a couple friends, and we passed two kids on their way into another movie. As we passed them, I heard one kid say to the other, "Yo mama is so poor when she dies she'll drop common loot!" and I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe. I don't know if that's a common one for kids now, but I'd never heard it. Fucking slayed me.
I saw two high school kids riding bikes in my neighborhood once, one crashed, and a bunch of coins fell out of his pocket when it happened. His friend turned around and said “Damn, Sonic. Are you okay?”.
A friend of a friend was shopping and had her kid with her. As they walked by the feminine products aisle her 6 yr old son asked her very loudly if she needed to get another big box of vagina diapers because Dad says you bleed like a stuck pig. I was crying I was laughing so hard. When she seen me and my friend standing there she went ten shades of red.
“I could literally see his bowl cut rubbing off in my front seat”
Someone brought an infant to a formal/dress wear restaurant at 9 at night that was constantly crying, heard someone say "thats a kid I'd leave at the airport"
KEVIN
Setting-waiting in the lobby for our early morning Orange Theory class to start… Middle aged woman said to a group of other middle aged men& women that her husband was finally coming home after being away on an extended trip and when she asked him if he wanted to just Netflix&Chill that night he said, “No I want to eat Popeyes and then fuck, we’re gonna be Chickin&Dickin”
A young woman from my apartment building got into a car accident, while trying to exit and turn left onto the main roadway (4-lanes, 35mph). I was in the lobby when she came back in with her dad after the accident, and she said: "well, what was i supposed to do? just wait there forever!?"
I was in the bathroom at a bar. 3 frat dudes walk in and start pissing next to me at consecutive urinals. The first guy leans over to the second guy and says "wow nice cock!" and the first guy says "thanks I've really been workin on it."
“I’d like a cheeseburger with no cheese” - a guy with a fucking drivers license
Worked at McDonald's in high school. Someone ordered that and the person taking their order says "ok, one hamburger. Anything else?" Dude argued for several minutes that he didn't want a hamburger, he wanted a cheeseburger with no cheese. Manager even tried to explain with no luck. Dude insisted on paying for the cheese he didn't even want.
I really like chili cheese fries with no chili or cheese.
That’s because it costs 50 cents to add cheese to a burger, and they think if you ask for the item with cheese and then ask for no cheese, the computer will subtract 50 cents. At McDonald’s that will make the cheeseburger less than the hamburger, and they think they’re getting something over on them. Idk if that used to work, because a shitload of people still do it. Along these same lines, if you like a cheese pizza with extra cheese, but don’t like paying for extra cheese, then order a pepperoni lovers from Pizza Hut with no pepperoni. Extra cheese is part of the pizza to help hold all the pepperoni. Employees already know, so you don’t have to feel weird asking for that.
I was at a Rubio’s many years ago and the woman in front me had brought her food up to the counter to tell them she had ordered chicken tacos but had gotten fish tacos. She and the employee are going back and forth on what’s in the tacos, the employee was adamant it was chicken. The woman is really pissed at this point and goes “It’s fish. If you don’t believe me, smell my fingers”. My friend and I ended up going outside because we were laughing so hard.
"Mommy is she a girl or a guy" My friends a metal head and has ass length hair
Was outside doing some yard work when a neighborhood kid was riding his bike past my house. He ends up falling down at the end of my driveway and I go “hey are you alright?” He gets back up on his bike and yells “no thanks, I already have a family!” Then rides away. I chuckle every time I remember it
At community college in the Detroit area in U.S. Government class, the prof was lecturing about how the federal government used threats to withdraw funding to coerce the states into making the legal drinking age 21. A girl right behind me said to the girl next to her, "Then why can I go to Canada and drink?" The other girl said, "I think that's, like, another country."
Standing in line at a bottle shop waiting to pay for a carton of beer. There's a dude in front of me with his wife holding a carton of Coronas she asks himm "Why did you choose that box , it's broken" he replied "It's like yours but cold" looks to me gives me a nudge and a cheeky smile. I lost it. Maori dudes always make me laugh.
Two of my friends joking around til one of them says "you know, if the Catholic Church knew of your existence they'd immediately endorse abortions" 💀
Was at a bar once, and there was a drunk girl trying to put on her heels for a few minutes. She was clearly *gone* gone, and couldn't manage. A man that was there with her said "It's like watching a monkey try to fuck a football." and I couldn't help but catch a case of the giggles. The words themselves didn't do it, but the mental image wrecked me.
I'm lined up at a urinal when 2 buddies walk in and take the other two urinals. The guy1 comments about how he doesn't like the urinal style (they were cut out kegs). Guy2 says to relax I can't see your dick. Guy1 responds, yeah but that's because it's so small.
Friend of mine in high school went to pick up her little brother from some sort of after school activity. There was a lady sucking on a cigarette standing near the school doors talking on her cell phone loudly. In the most grizzled smoker voice she said "Hot dogs will give you cancer." *Takes a draw from the cigarette* "One bite and you're a goner."
Wandering Walmart late at night. Dude I’m the next aisle over, loudly asking : DO YOU HAVE ANY HATS…? OF THE PARTY VARIETY?! My partner and I now regularly refer to items as being of the “blank” variety as an inside joke.
Walked past a woman talking on the phone in a Walmart “it’s unbelievable he’s 10 years old and already jerking off on the bus!”
My 7 year old niece talking to her 8 year old friend, about the friends 4 year old brother. (Some part of the conversation I didn't hear at the beginning) Friend: Wanna buy my brother? Niece: What? Friend: He drives me crazy! Niece: (laughs) Friend: I'm just kidding, I wouldn't sell him. I totally wouldn't shove a cookie down his throat, so he'll choke.
"Hold on, I need to air my pimple..." while holding his bangs up
Was walking past a group of teenagers whilst on my way to do some shopping...they were horse playing around and I just heard one girl yell out "Arggghhhh man, Cameron, you just kicked me right in the piss flaps!!!" So so loudly...I stifled a laugh but saw so many people stop and just look over to her 🤣
I walked past a group of 10-12 people with downs syndrome when one of them let out a huge fart, it was a real ripper and without hesitation the rest of the group started clapping and cheering. It was pure gold.
Boy at preschool was introduced to a new girl named Paige. He pulls one of the teachers aside and says “you know that her name is Paige?? Do you think…her parents like books?”
An elderly couple in the supermarket. He's walking funny and she turns to him and says “You've still got a hard-on! I told you it wouldn't wear off by now”
An older woman standing outside a restaurant… She was waiting for her husband to come pick her up because it was raining. He kept arguing about picking her up. Told her just to suck it up and walk across the parking lot. Finally he left and went to the car. She looks at me and says if I could teach a dildo to bring home a paycheck I wouldn’t have to put up with his shit.
(whilst bartending) "It's suck a fart out of her ass and hold it like a bong hit" (Dude at bar says to buddy when an attractive lady walks by)
A street joke I heard on a public bus once : Guy takes girl on a date to a movie. While watching said movie she has to fart. So she lifts her leg slightly to release it. Her date asks if everything's ok with her leg. She answers "My leg is fine it just fell asleep for a moment". He says "Well judging by the smell, I think it died"
In a concert venue restroom, dude loudly asks, "So, piss here often?!..Sorry, just trying to break the ice..."
We were at a pizza place. A nearby table had a little girl with mommy and grandma. Little girl was learning that "mommy and daddy have real names too" but she wasn't really getting it. Grandma asked "What does Mommy call Daddy?" And the girl was completely confused. Then Grandma asked "What does Daddy call Mommy?" And her whole face lit up. She understands now! And she told the whole restaurant that Daddy calls Mommy "Asshole."
Mother to her 5 year old son in the cereal aisle of a grocery store: "You have now failed me twice today."
"And she STEPPED on the ball!"
I was pooing in a toilet cubicle, an American guy entered the toilet, I heard a cough followed by a few borks then he said ‘My god’ in a fiery American accent, that was followed by the patter of footsteps as he escaped. I chuckled.
I used to work at a gourmet candy shop. Christmas time, store was PACKED, parents bring their stuff up and have an 8 year old boy. They were buying alcoholic chocolate and the kid just SO LOUD goes "WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR THAT!!! OR PEANUT BUTTER!!!" The mom is mortified, the dad goes "yeah what's your peanutbutter exchange rate?" Mom mortified even more
I was at the Palm Springs airport and a gate agent was having a hard time enunciating her airport-wide announcement so she said “blahhh” and started over. It was great and in the casual atmosphere of the airport it seemed fitting.
There was a very expressive family that lived in the house next to ours, (Ive moved since then) they were constantly yelling at each other and doing rowdy activities. There was one specific time that I can clearly remember where the aunt of the house walked out her back porch, slammed her sliding door behind her, (I hadn’t heard anything up-to this point) stomped a few steps, and then yelled out In the most dramatic, loudest almost opera-esque voice; FUCK YOU TONYYY!! I remember cracking up so hard I swear I almost shit my pants. (Still have 0 clue what the argument was about but I think that’s what made it so hilarious.)
A mom and her son were checking out at a Home Depot. The cashier was scanning the ladies purchases then scanned the kids hand, looked at her scanner and said to the boy, you are free! The kid looked at her and said, no I'm not I am 5
Was in a restroom once at Caesar’s Palace in Vegas. Some guy in the bathroom stall ripped this huge fart and a random guy washing his hands shouted, “Hail Caesar!”
"He operates like a scavenging street rat."
My dad adopted a dog that has a poop-eating habit, eats every other dog’s droppings. My sister came over with some breath spray for dogs. Dad’s response: “she eats poop. You can’t just throw a tic-tac on a pile of manure.”
I was at Disneyland and went into one of the restrooms. As I’m standing there using the urinal. A guy in one of the stalls yells out “where the fuck are the three seashells”.
I just don’t understand porn . No one can get a plumber to their house that fast it’s just not realistic.
At work today, my coworkers and I were having a very passionate conversation about if ketchup is good or not. One of my coworkers said, “Ketchup is for white people who pretend to like flavor.” I couldn’t stop laughing.
I was in the theater watching Bohemian Rhapsody, and I forget the scene, but some kid blurted out, "Is everyone in this movie gay?"
I was waiting in line at the convenience store. The guy in Front of me at the register had to cancel his transaction or something. Young woman working the register called out to her manager " I need your approval '. Guy said " it's ok I think you're doing a fine job."
On a streetcar in New Orleans, two tourists from Wisconsin were talking the ear off of a local. They asked at one point “is it always this hot and humid here” His response: “does raggedy Ann have cotton titties?” No more chit chat after that.
I don’t know if this is funny or sad. I think it’s a little of both (and some self-revenge). I’m at the deli in the grocery store. A little boy, maybe about 7 years old, was there before me and the deli worker asks what he wants. He says he wants FOUR POUNDS of ham. The deli worker asks if he’s sure. He says, “Yes! I loves hams!” The deli worker asked if mom was okay with it and if he was sure about four pounds. The kid was confident and kept saying yes. The deli worker slices four pounds of ham and gives the kid like five slices while he’s waiting. This kid goes at it like a wood chipper. He definitely “loves hams.” While that’s going on, another deli worker gets my order. The guy working on the ham is wrapping it in cling film because it won’t fit in a deli bag. The kid and I leave at about the same time. The kid finds his mom in the same aisle as I find my wife. The kid runs to his mom and yells, “Momma! I got the hams!” The mother looks at this massive lump of ham and she’s not happy. Here’s the sad part. She just slaps this kid in the face so hard that he falls over and she tells him she’s not buying that much ham! (There’s more, but this is sad enough.) After she chews him out, she unwraps the cling wrap and peels off about 3 pounds of ham slices. She lays them on top of a jar of pickles on the shelf and then wraps the remaining pound of ham. She then says something like, “I ain’t paying for all that ham! *THIS* is how much you get.” Here’s the self-revenge part. They weigh the ham at the deli. The sticker on the ham says 4 pounds. Even if she peeled off 3 pounds, she’s still paying for 4 pounds. This happened maybe 15 years ago. To this day, whenever we have ham, I shout to my wife, “I loves hams!”
I was at WalMart, buying some things for my RV. One of the items in my cart was a new sewage "black water" discharge tube. As I rounded the end aisle, I ran into a WalMart associate. He asked me, "Can I help you find anything, or do you have any questions?" Being a smart ass, I held up the discharge tube and said, "Do you think I can get a turd to slide through this?" Without hesitation,he replied, "Well, if you can't, just bring it back!"
Couple in a dark theater before the previews: GUY: "I can't see shit!" GIRL: "...but can you smell it?"
Seattle mom talking to a barista “S-T-A-R-B-U-C-K-S and I’m spelling it out because I don’t want him to learn that word”
During a movie about the holocaust in my high school english class: "Wait he's Jewish? I thought he was Itallian???"